Beavis and Butt-head (season 9)

Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head. Season nine originally aired from 4 August 2022 to 13 October 2022.

Pilots • Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Specials • Music videos • MTV programming • Feature film • Sequel film • Album • Main

"Escape Room" [9.01]

[as Beavis and Butt-head look for clues in the restroom]

Beavis: Butt-head, I think I found a clue! [beckons to some bathroom graffiti reading "Jason Eats Balls"] There's words!

Butt-head: Hmm. Words. Let's see. Ja-son... eats... balls... Jason eats balls. Hmm...

Beavis: Huh. But what does it mean?

Butt-head: Who is Jason? Why does he eat balls? Whose balls does he eat?

Beavis: The mummy's balls?

Butt-head: Perhaps.

[in the bathroom stall]

Butt-head: This mummy forgot to like leave clues or something.

Beavis: Whoa, Butt-head look! I found a clue, look. A turd.

Butt-head: Hmmm. Now we're getting somewhere, Beavis. Finally. A real clue.

Beavis: Yeah.

Butt-head: Now why would someone put a turd in a toilet? Hmm...

Beavis: It just doesn't make sense. Wait a minute! Maybe someone took a du- [Butt-head smacks him] AHH!

Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, shut up, I'm thinking.

Beavis: Oh yeah yeah yeah... sorry.

Butt-head: Beavis, you mean well, but you're a dumbass. I have figured it out. That turd can mean only one thing. This mummy is disgusting.

[dramatic chord]

"The Special One" [9.02]

Beavis: Um, Fire, do you engender when I put an M-80 in Mr. Anderson's mailbox and it started a big fire?

Fire: Yes, that was me.

Beavis: Remember when I found my first lighter, and it was like, fire! Yeah.

Fire: I remember. I am Fire!

Beavis: Have you ever been in a volcano?

Fire: I am in all the volcanoes!

Beavis: And what about that forest fire?

Fire: That was a great day.

Beavis: Yeah, Smokey the Bear sucks. Yeah.

Fire: It's not his fault. I killed his parents. He's just trying to mend the hole in his heart that I put there.

Beavis: Yeah, you're cool.

Fire: Quite so. And you, Beavis, are my special one.

"Boxed In" [9.03]

Beavis: You know, um, maybe we should just like, get used to living in this box, you know? It's not that bad, really. It's kinda growing on me actually.

Butt-head: Beavis, I'm gonna kill you.

Beavis: Maybe life is better in the box, you know? Maybe we'll meet some chicks in here or something.

Butt-head: There's no chicks in the box, dumbass!

Beavis: Well not now, but you know, like maybe if we were more outgoing, you know?

"Beekeepers" [9.04]

Butt-head: Uh, what the hell is going on here?

Beavis: What did they do to this place, Butt-head? What's going on?

Van Driessen: Beavis and Butt-head! What a pleasant surprise to see you this here.

Beavis: What happened to the parking lot? What did you do?

Van Driessen: Well once a month, we have a farmers' market here, and it turns into a cornucopia of locally sourced farm-to-table cuisine.

Beavis: Does "cornucopia" mean butthole?

Butt-head: It sure does, Beavis.

Butt-head: Uh, so like, honey for sale.

Beavis: Fresh honey! It's really expensive.

Butt-head: That's right, it's like a thousand dollars.

Beavis: Buy it right now, for money!

Van Driessen: Beavis and Butt-head! [Noticing their multiple stings] Boys, are you feeling okay?

Beavis: Buy our honey. Our bees made it, yeah. Check it out.

Butt-head: [hands Van Driessen a cup] That's right. It's expensive. Fresh from the bug's butt.

Van Driessen: [samples the "honey"] This tastes like shampoo, m'kay?

Beavis: What? Our bees made shampoo?

Butt-head: These dumb bugs made the wrong stuff!

Van Driessen: Guys, these are not bees. They're wasps. Wasps don't make honey.

Butt-head: We know, dumbass. They made shampoo.

"Roof" [9.05]

Tom Anderson: I'm gonna head to the barber to get my ears lowered, so I need you boys to sign for a couple two packages I got coming from the Amazon.

Butt-head: Package. [cackles]

Tom Anderson: They're a birthday present for Marcie, and my new hearing aid. That one's real important now, because I can't hear nothing without it.

Butt-head: Uhhh, did you hear me when I called you a butthole?

Tom Anderson: Well you're welcome. I knew I could count on you.

[after falling off the roof]

Beavis: [dazed] Ow... it's okay, it's okay. I'm alright. I don't wanna be late for kindergarten. Circle time sucks. Whoa! That's a cool bowl. Never seen anything like that before. I'll be damned.

Butt-head: Get the ladder, Beavis!

Beavis: Oh hey! Who are you?

Butt-head: I'm Butt-head, ass face!

Beavis: Um... Which of those is your name, and which one is what you're calling me?

Butt-head: Just get the ladder, dumbass.

Beavis: What's a ladder?

Butt-head: It's that thing over there that's a ladder.

Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, thanks ass face.

"River" [9.06]

Butt-head: Uh, hello sir. We wanna like, swim and show off our guns.

Beavis: Yeah, let us in.

Pool Cashier: Sorry. You're banned.

Beavis: Can I just come in and take a whiz real quick?

Pool Cashier: No.

Butt-head: Uh, Beavis? Did you like, drowned or something? Are you dead? Hello? Oh well. Now where did those chicks go?

"The New Enemy" [9.07]

Butt-head: [they start climbing a tree to chase a raccoon] No one takes my nachos and gets away with it.

Beavis: Yup. Time to kick some ass.

Butt-head: You can run, but you can't hide, dumbass!

Beavis: ... This tree feels kind of funny on my schlong.

Butt-head: They call it wood for a reason, Beavis. [they reach the top with the raccoon] There's no escape now. Prepare to have your ass shoved up your- [the Raccoon easily hops down and away from them] Uh... oh. I see.

Beavis: Um, Butt-head, the bears are going into our house.

Butt-head: Dammit, we gotta climb down there now.

Beavis: Um, yeah maybe later. Remember that thing I said on the way up about the tree feeling funny on my schlong? Um, I might just wanna stay here a while, you know what I'm saying?

Butt-head: Beavis, you prevert, get out of the way now! Perv out with the tree on your own time, we gotta fight those bears! [begins kicking Beavis] Ah! Come on, Butt-head, come on! Just five more minutes, come on!

Butt-head: Damn you, Beavis!

Beavis: I'm almost-

[Butt-head kicks again, but falls from the tree, landing hard on the ground]

Beavis: [climbs down and kicks Butt-head] Damn it, Butt-head, you ruined it.

"The Doppelganger" [9.08]

[as they exit a car wash]

Keith: Thanks for doing that with me, man. You're a great hang. I'll take you to the Maxi Mart now.

Beavis: Yeah, that's good, because we've been driving around a long time, and-

Keith: I just gotta pop in here and get oak milk, and four or five more things. Marcy can't handle regular milk. Remind me to tell you about that later. Oh, and trash bags.

Beavis: Giving me a ride was cool and everything, but, uh... but I'm just gonna walk for a while here. [Exits car]

Keith: [following Beavis] Good idea, man! I wanna walk too. Gotta get my steps in.

Beavis: Oh boy...

Keith: Never gonna get to 10,000 without my buddy keeping me honest, yo.

Beavis: I- I just need to go a different direction than you, because-

Beavis: I just gotta go. Butt-head's waiting at the Maxi Mart, so...

Keith: ... Okay. I'll see you later, boss. No problem.

Beavis: Really?

Keith: Hey man, thanks for hanging out. Metallica's the best, right?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Metallica kicks ass!

Keith: [pulls out his guitar] Dude, you're gonna love this song I wrote. You just gotta listen to this one song, then you can go.

Beavis: Um, I just- uh... oh God...

"Nice Butt-Head" [9.09]

[as Butt-head slams Beavis' head into a wall]

School Therapist: Okay, this is our eighth session, to try to improve your behavior, and if anything, Butt-head's aggression is getting worse.

Butt-head: Uh, it's the same.

Therapist: I'm going to say therapy isn't working is time to try medication.

Butt-head: Yeah. Give him some pills.

Beavis: So like, do those pills like, make you feel different or something?

Butt-head: Uhh, no. But thank you for asking.

Beavis: Oh uh, yeah, okay yeah. God bless you, or... I don't know. This show sucks.

Butt-head: I guess it does, but other people probably enjoy it. Nothing wrong with that.

Beavis: Oh, uh... okay. I guess that's true. But it does kinda suck, Butt-head.

Butt-head: [handing Beavis the remote] We can watch what you want, Beavis. Anything you wanna do is fine.

Beavis: [changes the channel] This is pretty cool. Yeah. This is better.

Butt-head: Well, I'm glad you're enjoying it, Beavis. I like when you enjoy yourself.

Van Driessen: Okay, everyone please focus, m'kay? Class is almost over and I'm just trying to squeeze in Uranus.

Beavis: [chuckling hard, but notices Butt-head isn't laughing] Uh, Butt-head?

Butt-head: Hmm?

Beavis: Van Driessen, he kind of said, "I just wanna squeeze in-"

Butt-head: Beavis, Mr. Van Driessen is trying hard to squeeze in Uranus, okay?

Beavis: Yeah, yeah exactly-

Butt-head: Let's try to give him our attention.

Beavis: Yeah, but...

Butt-head: [writing notes] Ah, I'm glad I brought a nice, sharp pencil for Uranus.

Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, what's going on?

Butt-head: Nothing, Beavis. This is the perfect pencil for Uranus.

"Home Aide" [9.10]

Old Beavis: Um, Butt-head, we're out of beers, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head: Uh, well go get some more, dumbass.

Old Beavis: I'm out of money.

Old Butt-head: So go give some more blood.

Old Beavis: Um, I went twice already this morning. They won't take my blood anymore, because they said it's too watery. Then I passed out, and some guy stole my cookie. I guess we need to like, get jobs or something.

Old Butt-head: Being unemployed is our job, dumbass. They send us money.

Old Beavis: Okay, time to get your self-steam. Time to meet the dillhole who can't take care of himself. Wonder what he looks like. Here we go. [Knocks on door only to be greeted by Butt-head]

Old Butt-head: Uh, what are you knocking for, dumbass? I thought you were the butthole the government sent.

Old Beavis: What butthole?

Old Butt-head: The social worker called and asked if I needed help, 'cause the neighbors complained.

Old Beavis: Whoa, really?

Old Butt-head: I pretended I was a fat dumbass who never gets off his couch, and he believed me.

Old Butt-head: Now fix me lunch.

Old Beavis: Is that part of my job?

Old Butt-head: I was told it was.

Old Beavis: [sigh] Okay, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head: Mr. Butt-head.

Old Beavis: I'm not gonna call you Mr. Butt-head, Butt-head.

Old Butt-head: I don't wanna have to report you, Beavis. Want me to get you fired?

Old Beavis: Well, um, no, Mr. Butt-head.

Old Butt-head: If I get you fired, then we don't have any money. I'm doing this for us.

Old Beavis: Dammit... self-steam sucks.

"Virtual Stupidity" [9.11]

Kiosk Salesman: [to a passerby] This is our most advanced VR glasses yet with almost no latency. Try them on, and you truly feel like you're going inside the video game.

Butt-head: Whoa! Did you hear that, Beavis?

Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, he said "feel like you're going inside."

Butt-head: Uh, no, dumbass. He said those glasses make you feel like you're going inside a video game. Let's try 'em, Beavis.

Beavis: I've always wanted to like, go inside a video game and eat some coins, and kick Luigi in the nads. Yeah. That would be cool.

Beavis: Butt-head? What are we supposed to do in this game?

Butt-head: You dumbass, don't you know anything about video games? We're supposed to like, go find some weapons, and then at the end of the level, we kill a boss.

Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah.

Butt-head: I think we need to like, talk to some NPCs. [they approach a tea salesman]

Tea Salesman: Hi, would you like to try our blueberry mint tea?

Butt-head: No. Can you like, give us a mission?

Beavis: Yeah, because we just started this game, and we need like, a flamethrower or something.

Tea Salesman: What?

Butt-head: We need a mission, dumbass! Is there like, someone we can kill, and then you'll give us a sword, or something?

Tea Salesman: Can you guys go do this somewhere else? You can't just come up to people trying to-

Butt-head: Is there like, a button to press so we can skip him talking?

Tea Salesman: You can't just come up to people trying to do their job and just start saying weird-

Beavis: Hey, come on! Skip! Skip! It's not working, Butt-head.

Tea Salesman: I don't wanna have to call security, that's not what I'm about, you know, man?

Beavis: Skip! Come on, skip! This interaction sucks.

Butt-head: Let's go find a flamethrower so we can come back and blow him up.

Beavis: [mockingly] "I don't wanna have to call security, that's not what I'm about. Bleh bleh."

"Locked Out" [9.12]

Butt-head: [walking home] So like, uh, what should we do when we get home?

Beavis: Let me see, um, hey let's watch TV!

Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah! That's a good idea. This is gonna be cool. [approaches the door, only to find it locked]

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. TV!

Butt-head: Uh, it won't open.

Beavis: Why not?

Butt-head: Uh, I don't know.

Beavis: Uh, oh! Maybe it's because I locked it.

Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, why did you do that?

Beavis: Well I watched a movie about a ghost, and I got scared.

Butt-head: What movie?

Beavis: It's called Ghost. Yeah. Really scary.

Butt-head: Uh, do you have a key?

Beavis: No.

Butt-head: So how are we supposed to get in?

Beavis: I figured we could just knock. You know, one of us is usually there, you know?

Butt-head: Uhh, we're both out here, Beavis.

Beavis: Ohhh, yeah yeah. I'll be damned.

"Kidney" [9.13]

Old Butt-head: [dribbling beer slowly from a bottle] Look at the waterfall, Beavis. Gently pouring down, like pee coming out of a weiner. Ahhh... just let it go.

Old Butt-head: Beavis, it's been two days. I've peed 31 times.

Old Beavis: Yeah, well, I tricked you, butthole! Now I'll never have to pee, because when you were asleep, I put a chip clip on my wiener. I win! I finally beat you at something. Yeah! [both of his kidneys burst] AAAAAH!!! Ah, my kidneys!

Doctor: What's your pain level on a scale of one to ten?

Old Beavis: [weakly] Sixty... nine... [Beavis and Butt-head chortle]

Doctor: That's very high. If we can't find a kidney donor match for him soon, we're going to have to send him to hospice. [Beavis tries to get her attention] Yes?

Old Beavis: [weakly] Y- you said "piss." [more chortling]

Doctor: That's right buddy, I did. Hang in there.

Male Doctor: We found a match! There's only one in the entire state, and by God, we found him!

Female Doctor: Is he willing to donate?

Male Doctor: He drove himself two hours to get here, and he says he wants to help Mr. Beavis any way he can. In fact, he says he knows the both of you.

[Stewart appears]

Old Stewart: Hey guys! It's me, Stewart! Remember me?

Old Butt-head: Uhhh, no.

Old Stewart: Stewart, your best buddy from high school!

Old Butt-head: Oh yeah. That sucks.

Old Stewart: Ha, you guys. The three amigos are back.

Old Beavis: Jesus Christ, Stewart, not now. I'm waiting for some guy both of us know to give me a kidney.

Female Doctor: N-no, this is your donor.

Old Butt-head: A part of Stewart's going inside you.

Old Beavis: Oh no...

"The Good Deed" [9.14]

Tom Anderson: Yeah, the American pesticides don't work anymore, because of the goddamn hippie environmentalists, so I drove down to Mexico and got some good, old fashioned DDT. It's getting so Mexico is the only place you can be an American anymore. Yeah, just don't touch it now, it's real poisonous. [leaves]

Beavis: What is that stuff?

Butt-head: Uh, well let's see. That says something in Spanish, uh, and that's a fly. Whoa! Spanish, fly. This is Spanish fly!

Beavis: Ummm, what's that?

Butt-head: That's like, a after-disiac. It like, makes people who drink it wanna score.

Beavis: Yeah but, but I already wanna score.

Butt-head: So do I, Beavis, but wouldn't it be a better world if everyone was like us?

Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah. Then everyone would be scoring all the time! Yeah.

Butt-head: Beavis, we could make the world a better place.

Butt-head: Just look at all those people, Beavis. They have no idea that tonight, they shall score. This is the most nicest thing we have ever done.

Beavis: I don't even need anyone to thank us, yeah. Just feels good to do it, you know?

Butt-head: That's right, Beavis. Everyone having sex with each other right here in the gym will be its own reward.

Beavis: Yeah yeah, this is the true meaning of Christmas.

"Two Stupid Men" [9.15]

Lead Juror: Okay, the evidence is pretty overwhelming. It clearly shows the defendant robbed a Maxi Mart at gunpoint, threw a keg of beer through the front window, and got away with $600, and five cartons of cigarettes.

Old Butt-head: Whoa. That guy sounds pretty cool. I wanna meet him.

Old Beavis: Yeah, really. Yeah, they should have brought him to this trial. Wouldn't have been so boring.

Female Juror: He... was at the trial. He was sitting at the table the whole time.

Old Beavis: You mean that guy in the black dress?

Old Butt-head: That old wuss robbed a store?

Male Juror: No, that's the judge. The defendant robbed the store.

Old Butt-head: Oh. Well the defendant kicks ass.

[after Beavis and Butt-head vote "not guilty"]

Lead Juror: What do you mean he's not guilty?

Old Butt-head: Uh, I'm gonna like, vote for him, 'cause he's like, cool.

Old Beavis: Yeah, yeah, 'cause he did all those cool crimes. You guys saw it.

Lead Juror: So, you believe he did the crimes.

Old Beavis: Oh yeah yeah.

Old Butt-head: They were cool.

Lead Juror: So then, that means he's guilty.

Old Butt-head: That's your opinion, ma'am.

Lead Juror: Wh-what are you saying?

Old Butt-head: Uh, what I'm saying is this guy's cool. He did kick-ass crimes.

Old Beavis: Yeah, he was brave. I'd like to see any of you try those cool crimes.

Lead Juror: But that's what the word "guilty" means. He did the crimes. So both of you are voting "guilty," right?

Old Beavis: Boy, Butt-head, this lady just doesn't get it. Wow.

Old Butt-head: Yeah. I guess we're gonna be here a while.

"Freaky Friday" [9.16]

Beavis: Um, Butt-head? You're not gonna believe what my reflection looks like.

Butt-head: You're not gonna believe what my reflection looks like!

Beavis: Did we just like, switch bodies?

Butt-head: Whoa! Maybe we did. Uh, okay let me try something. Do you think nachos taste good?

Beavis: Yes! Yes I do.

Butt-head: Whoa! That's my thing!

Beavis: Okay, let me think of one. Um, do you wanna score all the time?

Butt-head: I sure do.

Beavis: Whoa!

Butt-head: Do you like cool things and you hate stuff that sucks?

Beavis: Whoa! Amazing!

Butt-head: It has happened. I'm Beavis, and you're Butt-head! I'm a dumbass!

"Weird Girl" [9.17]

[Glennis tosses a note to Beavis]

Beavis: Whoa, it's a note!

Butt-head: Let me see that, Beavis. Let's see her, hmm... [takes the note, which reads "I ❤️ U"]

Beavis: Yeah, what's it say?

Butt-head: Uh, it says I, and then she drew like, a butt, uh, and I think this is like, the bottom of a foot. Boy, she doesn't draw very good. So it says, "I kick you in the ass." She's gonna kick your ass, Beavis.

Beavis: Wait a minute, she's gonna kick my ass? Really?

Butt-head: She couldn't have said it any simpler, Beavis.

Beavis: Do you think she can kick my ass?

Butt-head: She sure can, Beavis. She's a weirdo, just like you. She's got weirdo strength.

"Time Travelers" [9.18]

Beavis: It's amazing no one else has thought of this.

Butt-head: Most people are stupid, Beavis. It's a fact.

"Spiritual Journey" [9.19]

Beavis: [grabbing a nacho chip which appears to have the face of Jesus] Whoa! Butt-head! Butt-head! Hey, check it out!

Butt-head: What?

Beavis: In my chip, look! It's that guy!

Butt-head: What guy?

Beavis: That guy, you know, the guy who's Jesus or... or like, Christ or something.

Butt-head: You dumbass, that's not Jesus. That's like, that hippie from the Beatles or something.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! It is a sign. A sign that Jesus has appeared in these nachos to help me score. Yeah.

Beavis: Butt-head, check it out! It's another sign, see? Maybe to score, we have to go into that church and like, um, like sing Christmas songs or something.

Butt-head: Dammit Beavis, you're never gonna score if you keep acting weird.

Beavis: No way, Butt-head, shut up! I'm tired of listening to you! From now on, I'm listening to Him.

Butt-head: Who?

Beavis: The Lord. [points to a statue]

Butt-head: That's not the Lord, dumbass. That's that chick who never scored.

Beavis: No way, that's him.

Butt-head: Quit being all weird. I'm gonna eat your magic chip, so you'll shut up.

Beavis: So um, Father? I was at one of your other branches and um, couldn't really understand what the guy was saying. And um, I just have some questions about Jesus.

Rabbi: Jews actually don't believe in Jesus as the Messiah. Our religion teaches that the Messiah has not yet come.

Beavis: Yeah, oh yeah. I see. So um, so what does Jesus want me to do? Like, how do I get him to use his magic powers?

Rabbi: Again, as a Jew, Jesus is not part of my faith.

Beavis: Oh. Oh yeah yeah. Hey, wow, um... so how tall was Jesus, you think?

Rabbi: That's a good question. But I think it's probably better posed to someone of the Christian faith. But I'd love to answer any questions you have about Judaism.

Beavis: Oh, okay, yeah yeah, I understand. So is it weird for Jesus that he has the same name as the Christmas baby?

Rabbi: That's not really a question about Judaism.

Beavis: Oh right right. So, Your Honor, um, it's cool if you say no, and don't get mad, but is it okay if I ask you a question that's not about Jesus?

Rabbi: Yes.

Beavis: Oh, okay. Yeah, it would have been nice to know that before, you know. But anyway, is there a guy inside Iron Man?

Rabbi: [takes a deep breath] Okay, Stark Industries was founded in 1939 by Howard Stark, Tony Stark's father...

Beavis: Uh-huh.

Rabbi: ...and it quickly grows to be the biggest high-tech arms manufacturer on the planet.

Beavis: Huh?

Rabbi: When Tony Stark takes over as CEO, he gets kidnapped in Afghanistan. Let me show you where that is on the map.

Beavis: Oh boy...

Rabbi: So, Tony's gonna have to invent an arc reactor...

Beavis: This sucks.

Travis: Welcome to our abstinence circle. Audrey, can you introduce us to your new friends?

Audrey: Pastor Travis, Bobby and Broderick are excited to hear about sexual abstinence.

Butt-head: Excited to hear it, excited to do it.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Sexual abbisonce! Boing-oing-oing-oing-oing!

Travis: Yeah, yeah, cool. See, the culture and the media can give you a lot of BS about sex, right? But in here, we keep it real.

Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Exactly! I want it real! Right now!

Butt-head: Yeah.

Travis: Right on, right on. Well, why don't we hear it from your peers? Who's ready to do a share?

Youth Member: I'll go. I was a little scared of abstinence at first. I wasn't sure I could do it.

Butt-head: We're here to support you.

Youth Member: Aw, thanks. But now, I feel filled up with joy.

Beavis: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, filled!

Butt-head: Yeah. Joy.

Audrey: Yeah. Thanks to abstinence, now I can really get to know people deep down.

Beavis: Yeah, deep down, yeah!

Audrey: And the best part is, you're not alone. We're doing it with you.

Butt-head: That's the point, dumbass.

"Refuse Service" [9.20]

Police Officer: Yeah, we'll have three regular hamburgers...

Beavis: Uh-huh.

Officer: No ketchup on one of them...

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, uh-huh, ketchup sucks.

Officer: And we'll take... two orders of fries...

Beavis: Would you like to try our new Macho Hot Fries for a dollar more?

Officer: Sounds good. You got all that?

Beavis: No.

Officer: What do you mean, "No?"

Beavis: I refuse. Yeah. I'm not gonna make it, 'cause you're like violating our policies.

Officer: How exactly am I violating your policies?

Beavis: Um, what's the policy again?

Officer: Would you just give us our food?!

Beavis: I think it's like, you're being a butthole or something. And like, you suck. Thank you, drive through.

Female Customer: What's this about you refusing to serve people?

Butt-head: Nothing could be further from the truth, ma'am. I'll have Beavis bring you everything from our entire menu.

Beavis: I am servicing the right to reserve you.

Butt-head: Uh, and allow me to provide you a little entertainment. Check this out. [pointing to a couple other people in line] Uh, you, and uh, you over there. We reserve the right to refuse you service, unless you fight.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, fight! Winner gets to eat, yeah.

Butt-head: And the loser shall be refused. That is our right, and we reserve it.

Bulky Customer: This is bullshit. I'm not gonna hurt this guy for a lousy cheeseburger.

Reserved Customer: Yeah, except, you know, you wouldn't hurt me.

Crowd: Ooooh!

Butt-head: Oooh! He just said he can kick your ass!

Bulky Customer: You'll be on the floor in about five seconds!

Reserved Customer: You wanna go?! YOU WANNA GO?!

Beavis: Yeah, fight! Fight!

[the two customers begin to fight each other]

Butt-head: Kick his ass.

Beavis: Worldstar!

"Downward Dumbasses" [9.21]

[as Beavis exits a fitting room with yoga pants]

Beavis: There we go, how do I look?

Butt-head: Uh, Beavis?

Beavis: Pretty sexy. Yeah.

Butt-head: Uh, Beavis?

Beavis: Yeah, I'd tap that. Yeah, oooh...

Butt-head: Uh, Beavis? It looks like you don't have any nads.

Beavis: What? What are you talking about?

Butt-head: Or a schlong.

Beavis: No way, Butt-head, my schlong is right- [notices that the incredibly tight yoga pants are concealing his genitals] AHHHHH!!! No, what happened to my nads?! I know they're in here, 'cause these pants are really making them hurt! [desperately trying to take the pants off]

Butt-head: Uh, you better take 'em off before any chicks see you, Beavis. That's embarrassing.

Beavis: They won't come off, Butt-head! [collapses] My weiner's going numb! Ahhhh!

Butt-head: Just get a hold of yourself, Beavis. ... hold of yourself.

"The Most Dangerous Game" [9.22]

Beavis: And then he told me that when you're on a camping trip, if someone's asleep and you put their hand in a bowl of warm water, they like, pee in their sleep.

Butt-head: Uh, really?

Beavis: Yeah yeah yeah, like, right in their pants. It really works. They pee their pants, yeah.

[both chuckle until Butt-head gets an idea]

Butt-head: Are you feeling sleepy, Beavis?

Beavis: Um, yeah yeah, a little.

Butt-head: Uh, wait here. [leaves, and is heard filling a bowl with water, which he returns with] Let me help you get comfortable, Beavis.

Beavis: Oh, thanks, yeah.

Butt-head: You can use this bag of potato chips as a pillow.

Beavis: Oh, thank you. It's pretty cozy, yeah. [eats a chip] There's still some stuff in there, too. Yeah. Wow, good stuff.

Butt-head: [helping Beavis get comfortable] There we go, Beavis. You just relax.

Beavis: You know, I think I will. Yeah. [lays down]

Butt-head: Nice deep breaths, Beavis.

Beavis: Ahhh, I might just rest my eyes for a little bit, if that's okay.

Butt-head: You go right ahead, Beavis. Relax, deeper and deeper, way down. Count backwards from... uhhh, never mind that, Beavis. Just relax.

Beavis: Okay... what a day. What a day... [relaxed sigh]

[Butt-head grabs the bowl, and Beavis's hand, and begins to drag it to the bowl]

Beavis: [waking up and jerking his hand away] Hey! Are you trying to make me pee my pants?!

Butt-head: ...perhaps.

Beavis: Um, wait here. [leaves and fills a bowl, returning with it]

Butt-head: ... Well played, Beavis.

Beavis: We'll see who falls asleep first, Butt-head.

Butt-head: Yes we will, Beavis. Yes we will. We are playing the most dangerous game, and the loser pees their pants.

"Bone Hunters" [9.23]

Van Driessen: Today, we're talking about fossils, mmmkay? And a fossil, class, is really just another name for an ancient bone. [Beavis and Butt-head snicker uncontrollably] But what you may not know is that these boney messengers from the past can be found in our own backyard. Recently, not far from here, a Tyrannosaurus Rex skeleton was found by amateur bone hunters.

Butt-head: Beavis' mom is an amateur bone hunter.

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! That's not funny.

Passerby: Did you make this?

Butt-head: Uh, yeah. This is Bonersaurus. Would you like to see it for two dollars?

Passerby: [pays $2] Yes, we'd love to see it. Here you go.

Butt-head: Welcome to our museum. Hundreds of years ago, Bonersaurus walked the land, killing everything in sight, and scoring with chick dinosaurs.

Beavis: Yeah, its name was Bonersaurus, which means "saurus that has a boner."

Butt-head: And this ends our tour. Please exit through the gift shop.

Beavis: And buy some stuff.

[after Beavis and Butt-head destroy Bonersaurus]

Beavis: I guess the museum's closed, Butt-head.

Butt-head: The age of the mighty Bonersaurus is over. Perhaps in a hundred years, people will find these bones and say, "Once long ago, there was a dinosaur that had a boner or something." I don't know. This is stupid. Why did we even do this?

Beavis: Makes you think. It really makes you think.

Cast

Mike Judge—Beavis
Mike Judge—Butt-head

External links

Official website
Beavis and Butt-Head quotes at the Internet Movie Database

Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Specials • Music video commentary • MTV programming commentary • Feature film • Main