Beavis and Butt-head Do the Universe

Beavis and Butt-head Do the Universe is a 2022 animated adult science fiction comedy film, based on the TV series Beavis and Butt-head. It was directed by John Rice and Albert Calleros, and written by Mike Judge, Lew Morton, Guy Maxtone-Graham, and Ian Maxtone-Graham. It was released on Paramount+.

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Beavis

I just want to say, I've wanted to do this my whole life, but I never thought it would really happen, and I dreamed about it every night and then- and then I'd wake up and feel ashamed and I'd try to hide it from my mom. But today, my dream will come true. And um, I just want to say that makes me the luckiest man in the world.
I am Cornholio! I need TP for my bunghole! Do not make my bunghole angry! I demand TP! Give me all your TP! All your TP now!

Butt-head

It says "Johnson."
Beavis, the government is about to train our schlongs.
Step aside! We have white privilege!

Serena Ryan

I have some extremely distressing news to share. Specialist Beavis and Specialist Butt-head made the very brave and noble decision to sacrifice themselves. Believe me, I tried to talk them out of it, but they felt that it was the right thing to do, and they left the airlock before I could stop them. But while their tragically, brief lives may be over, they will live forever in our memories.
These boys aren't my enemies, and they're not aliens out to destroy our way of life. They're just two very, very stupid and horny teenagers.

Dialogue

Butt-head: Oh, hello. I'm Butt-head.

Beavis: And I'm Beavis. Welcome.

Butt-head: Some of you may be wondering where we've been since we saw you last. Well, it's quite a tale. A tale of two heroes on a quest to score across time and space. It's a story of sex, violence, power-

Beavis: Yeah, and fire! Yeah, fire! Yeah, don't forget about that.

Butt-head: It all began one ordinary day. A day just like any other...

Butt-head: Beavis! Beavis! What the hell are you doing?

Beavis: [in agonizing pain] Did we win the science fair?

Butt-head: Even better, Beavis. We kicked its ass.

Judge: Beavis and Butt-head, this court hereby finds you guilty.

Butt-head: Yes!

Beavis: Yes! Yeah, kick ass!

Judge: Please rise. Do you have anything to say before I pass sentence?

Butt-head: Uh, if it like, pleased the court or something, in my defense, I was trying to kick Beavis in the nads.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah. And I just wanna say, Your Majesty, um, that um, the explosions were really cool. Amen.

Judge: Many have said, when it comes to sentencing, I'm the toughest judge in the state. And they're right. But last night, I watched a show called Touched By an Angel, and it made me think. When I look at these two boys today, I don't see their failure, I see our failure.

Butt-head: He said "touched."

Judge: You boys like explosions, don't you?

Butt-head: Uh, yeah.

Beavis: And fire.

Judge: Well, you know who else liked explosions? Neil Armstrong. And the only difference between him and you is he had the benefit of supportive families and teachers.

Butt-head: Families. [cackles]

Judge: You know what Neil Armstrong did?

Beavis: Did he score?

Judge: He was the first man on the moon.

Beavis: [unimpressed] Yeah, yeah...

Judge: We never did find out who won that trip to space camp, because the records were lost when the gym burned down, but whoever it was is going to be fine. They're going to go on to good colleges and fine careers. So I say, why not give opportunity to those who really need it and unlock the potential of these two at-risk youths? I hereby sentence Beavis and Butt-head to eight weeks of space camp!

Serena: We're going to bring a new telescope to the Mir space station, and use it to observe a small black hole.

Butt-head: "Hole."

Serena: Albert Einstein and Nathan Rosen theorized black holes could contain rifts in the very fabric of the universe, or wormholes that could allow one to travel through time and space.

Butt-head: Wormhole?

Beavis: Yeah, I always wondered how worms score.

[as Beavis and Butt-head repeatedly amuse themselves with the docking maneuver]

Serena: Hey boys.

Beavis: Shut up, we're busy!

Serena: Let me ask you something. How would you guys like to do that, but do it for real?

Butt-head: Whoa! You want us to do that for real?

Serena Ryan: That's right. I want you to do that for real. In space, with me.

Beavis: W-w-with you?

Serena: That's right.

Butt-head: Whoa! Absolutely!

Beavis: Yes! YES! A thousand times yes!

Serena: I like your enthusiasm, but it's gonna be hard work. You're gonna have to practice doing this a lot. For hours, everyday.

Beavis: Yeah, I already do. Yeah! In the bathroom, yeah. And sometimes in the teacher's lounge!

Butt-head: Ma'am, we've been waiting our entire lives for this opportunity. We will not let you down.

[as the astronaut party approaches the space shuttle]

Serena: Do you know how few people have done what you're about to do?

Beavis: Um, no.

Serena:Only 256 men and 49 women.

Beavis: That's a little more than I was hoping, but you know, that's okay.

Serena: From 16 different countries ranging in age from 28 to 77.

Beavis: Jesus Christ, we get it!

Serena: And that's not even counting the Russian dog and the monkey.

Beavis: Enough!

Serena: Of course, there were some who didn't make it.

Butt-head: We're not gonna be one of those, ma'am. I can assure you.

Beavis: Yeah, we understand the risks.

[as Beavis and Butt-head drift towards a black hole]

Beavis: Whoa! Um, Butt-head, what is that thing? It feels like it's sucking us in or something.

Butt-head: Uh, it looks like some kind of gigantic hole. And it's black. Wait a minute, Beavis, I think I know what kind of hole this is.

Beavis: Really?

Butt-head: It's a butthole.

Beavis: What? No, no, no! No way! No thanks! No! I don't wanna die in a butthole! I have dreams about it all the time! No! No way!

Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis.

Smart Butt-head: Greetings, Beavis and Butt-head.

Smart Beavis: We bring you a grave warning.

Butt-head: Uh, who are you fart-knockers?

Smart Beavis: We are you from what your primitive planet would call an alternate universe.

Beavis: A what?

Smart Butt-head: An alternate universe.

Butt-head: Uhhh... a what?

Smart Beavis: Um, did you see the cartoon Spider-Man movie per chance?

Butt-head: Uhh, no.

Smart Beavis: Oh. That would have made explaining it a lot easier.

Smart Butt-head: Our names are unknowable to your puny brains, but you may call us Smart Beavis, and Smart Butt-head.

Smart Beavis: You see, in infinite universes, there are infinite iterations of every person. Every possible version of you exists, and we are the most intelligent versions.

Butt-head: Uh, did any of the other versions ever score?

Smart Butt-head: No. No version of Beavis and Butt-head has ever scored.

Smart Beavis: That is true in every reality.

Butt-head: Cool! We're gonna be the first ones!

Smart Butt-head: When you went through the black hole, you traveled through a five-dimensional portal in space and time.

Smart Beavis: But in so doing, you damaged the delicate structure of the cosmos.

Beavis: Yeah. Damage is cool.

Smart Beavis: And now both of our universes face total destruction.

Smart Butt-head: And so we come to you for help.

Smart Beavis: There is a space-time portal that will return you to your time.

Smart Butt-head: You must enter this portal before it closes in two days, or everything you have ever known will be gone forever.

Smart Beavis: The portal is located on the highest point on your planet, atop your "Mount Everest."

Smart Butt-head: This is your quest.

Smart Beavis: You have exactly two days. May science be with you.

Smart Butt-head: You said "mount," Smart Beavis.

Smart Beavis: Yes, their primitive language has two meaning for that word, yes.

Smart Butt-head: Humorous, quite jocular.

Smart Beavis: Very droll and whimsical, yes, yes.

Beavis: Hey Butt-head, this phone kicks ass and everything, but um, we need to find Serena.

Butt-head: Shut up, Beavis, I'm speaking with the nacho man. [in the phone] You see what I have to deal with?

Beavis: Hey, seriously-

Siri: How can I help you?

Beavis: Whoa, um, who is this?

Siri: I'm Siri. I'm here to help.

Beavis: It's Serena! Hey Butt-head! Butt-head-

Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, I told you to shut up.

Richard: Governor? Oh my gosh! I can't believe I finally get to meet you!

Jim Hartson: And I'm the lieuten-

Serena: I'm just so interested in all my young supporters, but particularly these two. [holds up a photo of Beavis and Butt-head]

Richard: Oh, them.

Serena: Did they say anything about me, or tell you why they were here?

Richard: No. Mostly, they just laughed a lot from the minute I introduced myself.

Serena: Introduced yourself? What's your name?

Richard: I'm Richard Whack.

Serena: ... Dick Whack.

Richard: Well, I've always gone by Richard for that very reason.

Jim Hartson: It really is them.

Serena: Damn it. Order a roadblock on all roads leading out of town. Say it's- do people still care about terrorism?

Richard: I do, Governor.

Serena: Let's go with that.

Richard: And so does the whole Whack family.

Butt-head: [outside a portable toilet] Damn it, Beavis, you better not be talking to Serena in there.

Beavis: [inside] No- no I'm just spanking my monkey!

Butt-head: You better be.

Siri: I don't understand "spanking my monkey."

Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, you lying son of a bitch!

Smart Butt-head: The portal is now over there behind the Classics building.

Smart Beavis: It is well hidden there because no one cares about the humanities anymore.

Smart Butt-head: They want jobs that will allow them to pay off their student debt.

Smart Beavis: Amusing, yes.

Smart Butt-head: Yes, humorous, yes.

Smart Beavis: Satirical comment on the times.

Smart Butt-head: Yes, amusing.

College Professor: While exaggerating gender norms sometimes winds up subverting existing paradigms-

[Beavis and Butt-head loudly enter the class]

Butt-head: Don't mind us.

Beavis: We just need to get through here so we can score.

Butt-head: Yeah. There's a slut at our house who's gonna like do it with us. Any of you ladies want to, uhh, join the party?

[the students express disgust]

College Professor: Hang on, everone. Hang on. This is teachable, okay? Now they use the word "slut" in a sex-positive way, which is a good thing. But other than that, these two are a reminder that we still have a long, hard road ahead of us.

Butt-head: [snickering] "Long, hard."

Beavis: Yeah, like a wiener, or a schlong. You know? Get it?

College Professor: Uh huh. Why don't we start by having you two tell us what you thought of the reading assignments for today?

Butt-head: Uh, we don't really read stuff.

College Professor: Of course not, because you don't need to. Because Daddy's connections got you into college, and will get you a job on Wall Street.

Butt-head: Uh, wait a minute. Do you know who my dad is?

College Professor: I'm sure he's very powerful and can have me fired, but I don't care.

Butt-head: Cool! My dad's powerful.

Beavis: Whoa, that's cool! Yeah! Because Butt-head's mom said he died of syphilis. Wow.

College Professor: This is a classic example of white privilege, and you both have it.

Butt-head: Uhh, what's that?

College Professor: Anyone wanna fill them in?

Female Student: Yeah, I'll do it. Okay, so white privilege is when white people, particularly men, automatically assume they can take whatever they want.

Black Female Student: And they never have to worry about getting stopped by the police.

Aisha: And they have the inside track for any job they-

Gage: I've got this one, Aisha. They have the inside track for any job they want.

College Professor: Exactly Gage, thank you for that. That's white privilege.

Butt-head: Whoa! And we have that?

College Professor: You sure do.

Butt-head: I see.

Beavis: Whoa. I never realized this stuff.

Butt-head: Uh, yeah. You've really opened up my eyes.

College Professor: Well, I'm glad we've been able to enlighten you. The real question is, do you think you'll be acting differently from now on?

Butt-head: Uh, I guarantee it.

Beavis: Yeah, me too.

Butt-head: We're in jail, Beavis. This kicks ass.

Beavis: Yeah, that youth pastor always said we'd be here someday. We finally made it.

Butt-head: The system works, Beavis.

[as Beavis and Butt-head return to their house to see it for sale]

Butt-head: Uh, what did you do to our house?

Anita Ross: Well, the current owner bought the property to flip. Complete renovation.

Beavis: Yeah, this sucks.

Anita Ross: The house was empty for a long time, because it belonged to the mother of one of these two teenagers who died in this accident on the space shuttle: Shirley Beavis.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah... Whoa, Butt-head, look! A garbage disposal. Yeah, kick ass!

Butt-head: Cool. [gives Beavis various things to put in the disposal]

Anita Ross: Yeah, it's all brand new. Anyway, you won't believe what happened to Shirley Beavis when her son died in space. She went totally... [drowned out by the garbage disposal] ...and then, after she blew through the settlement money, she did something you wouldn't believe. She took... [drowned out by the garbage disposal] ...bittersweet thing she said is, if she could just see her son one more time, she would tell him these words: "Son..." [drowned out by the garbage disposal]

Beavis: [cuts his fingers in the garbage disposal] AHHHHHH! Ow!

Butt-head: That kicks ass.

[when they don't find Serena at their home]

Beavis: What happened, Butt-head? SHe promised she was gonna be here. And now, she's not. I thought we had something. Where is she?

Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, how am I supposed to know? Uh, where's the remote?

Beavis: [digging through a bowl of fruit] What are these things? they notice a bookcase where their TV used to be and scream in horror]

Butt-head: What the hell is that?!

Beavis: Yeah, where's the TV?

Butt-head: [approaching the bookshelf] Uh, they're books.

Beavis: What? Books? Books?! NO! NO! We were supposed to score! It was gonna be the best thing in the world, and instead, all we get is books! The worst thing in the world! I'm tired of this crap! It's not fair!

Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, this is all your fault. I would have scored if you hadn't scared her off with all your wuss feelings talk. [mockingly] "Oh, Serena, oh I don't have a boner. Bleugh!"

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I don't sound like that! You're the one who scared her off! You're always calling her a slut.

Butt-head: That's because she is a slut, Beavis. [Beavis looks infuriated] She's an S-L- uh... O or something, slut. She told us herself, remember? 256 men, 49 women, a dog, a chimpanzee with the wiener the size of a- [beavis slaps him with a book] Beavis, you've just crossed a line. And I think we both know what needs to happen now.

Beavis Damn it, Butt-head, I finally found someone, and you're jealous!

Butt-head: "I have feelings, Serena, wuh-huh-huh, let's hold hands."

Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! You're the one who drove her away! SHe said she doesn't understand you, and we talked about spider webs, and you ruined everything!

Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, Serena never liked you, she was just talking to you to get to me. I'm tired of you weighing me down. I'm gonna get out of here, and don't follow me.

Beavis: Well don't follow me, butthole!

Jim Hartson: I have to go back in there before they get suspicious, but you've gotta get out of here, now. The people in there want you dead. What she tried to do to you in '98, she's done to me every day for 24 years.

Beavis: Christ.

Butt-head: Whoa.

Beavis: There's no need to brag about it.

Jim Hartson: I'm going to make sure she can't do it to you or anyone else ever again.

[as a van drives off]

Beavis: Hey, Serena's in there, and that butthole!

Butt-head: He's gonna go score with her.

Beavis: Why is it always a guy with a van?

Butt-head: We gotta save her before Hartson bones her again.

Beavis: Yeah, he's out of control! And um... I just want to say, um, you can score first if you want to, Butt-head.

Butt-head: Beavis, I'm not gonna score, and you're not gonna score. We're gonna score.

Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Yeah!

Butt-head: Now let's go score before I change my mind.

Serena: I can't believe I've been hanging onto this for 24 years.

Beavis: Yeah, I've been hanging onto it too.

Serena: And now, I know you mean you've been masturbating. It's all so simple.

Agent Phil: Well I'll be... masturbating.

Serena: Okay, boys, no one can know what happened here tonight. So, what will it take to keep you quiet?

Butt-head: Uh, we wanna score.

Serena: Oh God. I mean, I suppose it's not the most disgusting thing I've done for my career. So would it have to be both of you?

Butt-head: That's right, Serena. We're a team.

Beavis: Yep.

Serena: Oh God, this is, off... rough. I'm gonna need a minute to think about this.

Beavis: Um, Serena? Whatever you decide, you know, like, either way, there's something I need to tell you. Something I tried to say before, but I didn't have the courage.

Serena: Go ahead, Beavis.

Beavis: Now Serena, I've been on a long journey, and I've been to outer space, and I've been in a toilet, and I think I've been to some other places, that um, I don't remember, but...

Smart Butt-head: You went to college.

Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, I went to college...

Smart Butt-head: And you went to jail.

Beavis: No, I don't remember that. Anyway, along the way, I learned some things and stuff. Or something. And so now, I finally am ready to say to you what I've been wanting to say, which is that- that I- I um, I lo- I- I-... I lo-

Agent Phil: Come on, kid. You can do it.

Beavis: I lo-

Smart Beavis: [barges in] I love you Serena. For years, I have watched you from afar, through the portal, entranced by you beauty, your elegance, your grace, your intelligence, your knowledge of science.

Beavis: Wait a second.

Smart Beavis: And I have a better offer for you. Come with me to my universe, and I will show you the mysteries of the cosmos as we travel across the galaxies, beyond anything NASA will ever achieve, fulfilling all the dreams you ever had since you were a little girl staring up at the stars.

Serena: Wow, that is, surprisingly, everything I've ever dreamed of.

Beavis: Um, I have an offer too. Um, I found a coupon in the car for Taco Bell. I was thinking maybe we could, um, we could go have a taco...

Smart Beavis: Also, I was thinking we might score.

Serena: You know what? So was I.

Beavis: Yeah, sometimes the Taco Bell has a Pizza Hut, you know, if you don't like tacos, or nachos...

Smart Beavis: I have a gigantic schlong. I hope that's okay. [they disappear]

Beavis: Yeah, oh boy... I knew it. Here we go again.

Butt-head: Beavis, you're a dumbass.

Butt-head: And there you have it. The greatest story ever told.

Beavis: Pretty cool, yeah.

Butt-head: We promised those government buttholes that we wouldn't tell anyone what happened, and they gave us a brand new TV, and put our house back exactly the way it was.

Beavis: And it wasn't me, but somewhere out there, there's a Beavis who scored.

Queen Beavis: Smart Beavis and Smart Butt-head, we honor you.

King Butt-head: For you, Smart Beavis, are the first among us to score. [gives Smart Beavis a medal that reads "I Scored"]

Queen Beavis: And you, Smart Butt-head, were able to watch by hiding in a suitcase at the foot of the bed. [gives Smart Butt-head a medal that reads "I Watched"]

King Butt-head: Serena left immediately, and is not returning phone calls or texts.

Queen Beavis: But no matter. Tonight, we celebrate!