Beavis and Butt-head (season 8)
Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011, 2022–present) is an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head. Season eight originally aired from October 27 to December 29, 2011.
Pilots • Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • Specials • Music videos • MTV programming • Feature film • Sequel film • Album • Main
"Werewolves of Highland" [8.01]
[edit]- [As girls in a movie theater are struck by a Twilight love scene]
- Butt-head: Well this isn't very good.
- Beavis So uh, is Bella a zombie? She's just standing there with her mouth open and she acts like she's dead.
- Girl: Shhh! Quiet!
- Beavis: Ehh, sorry, sorry.
- Movie Vampire: I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. And then I will still love you. And then I will keep loving you, until the end of time…
- [more reactions from the girls in the theater]
- Butt-head: How come everyone whispers in these movies?
- Beavis: They're probably embarrassed. What do you think?
- Girls: Shhh! Shut up!
- Beavis: Oh sorry. Sorry.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, check this out. [whispers to a woman] I will fight for you until your heart stops beating. Can I have some of your popcorn?
- Woman: [punches him] Oh my god, I said shut up!
- [the manager kicks them out of the movie theater]
- Butt-head: Hey, we want our money back, butthole!
- Manager: You snuck in!
- Butt-head: Uhh... oh, yeah. [he and Beavis leave]
- Henry: [as Beavis and Butt-head approach, thinking he is a werewolf] Women? Let me tell you something about women. They're all right. They're fiiiine when they don't know what's happening. I don't think you no listening to me! No listen to me! You no listen to me!!
- Butt-head: Uhh, thank you oh great master for sharing your wisdom. But, uh, we were like wondering if you could like, bite us?
- Beavis: Yeah me too.
- Henry: You got a dollar?
- Butt-head: Uhh, we have gum. [offers gum]
- Henry: Ah, like me gum! [ingests the gum and proceeds to ferociously bite Beavis and Butt-head repeatedly]
- Beavis: [amongst saying "ow"] Cool!
- Butt-head: [also saying "ow"] You don't have to go crazy!
- Beavis: Okay that's enough!
- Henry: [drops both boys] Ahhh, like me gum!
- Beavis: [getting up and limping away] Dammit, that hurt.
- Butt-head: Don't worry, Beavis. It'll be worth it.
- Butt-head: Being a werewolf hurts my bones.
- Beavis: Yeah. It makes my eyes hurt.
- [after Beavis has sniffed an onion]
- Butt-head: Whoa! You're crying!
- Beavis: What, no I'm not!
- Butt-head: You're crying like a girl!
- Beavis: No way! I am not! Dammit!
- Butt-head: You're moved.
- Beavis: I am not moved! Shut up! I don't know what it is.
- Butt-head: This is amazing!
- Butt-head: So, like, yesterday, you we're crying.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. I was not.
- [the scene cuts to school]
- Mr. Van Driessen: That's why so many readers find Atticus' speech so moving.
- Butt-head: Uh... I Mr. Van Driessen. I bet Beavis was really moved by it.
- Beavis: Cut it off, Butt-Head.
- Butt-head: Cuz yesterday, I saw him crying.
- Beavis: No, I wasn't!
- Mr. Van Driessen: It's okay to be touched, Beavis.
- Butt-head: Yeah, Beavis was touched.
- Beavis: SHUT UP! I WAS NOT CRYING BUTT-HEAD!
- [the scene cuts to the students eating at the cafeteria]
- Stewart: Hey guys, what's up?
- Butt-head: Hey Stewart, have you heard the news?
- Beavis: SHUT UP, BUTT-HEAD.
- Stewart: No, what?
- Butt-head: Beavis was crying.
- Beavis: SHUT UP! I WAS NOT! I WAS NOT CRYING! I wasn't. Something happened to my eyes. It was that onion.
- Butt-head: Uh... attention everyone. [everyone looks at him] Beavis was crying.
- Beavis: DAMMIT! I WAS NOT CRYING!
- Coach Buzzcut: You will climb the rope, touch the ceiling, and descend, all within 30 seconds. Are there any questions?
- Butt-head: Uh, I have a question. What happens if Beavis starts crying?
- Beavis: AAH! I WAS NOT CRYING! I WAS NOT CRYING! I'M GONNA KICK YOUR ASS!
- Coach Buzzcut [struggling to restrain Beavis]: You will beat the crap out of Butt-head on your own time!
- Butt-head: It's alright to cry; crying takes the sad out of you.
"Daughter's Hand" [8.03]
[edit]- Tom Anderson: [Notices Beavis and Butt-head just sitting on the sidewalk while working on his lawn] Now I know these tired old eyes ain't seeing two able bodied young men just lollygagging.
- Butt-head: Uh, can you like, shut up?
- Tom Anderson: Say what?!
- Butt-head: We're waiting for this dude to like, let us have his daughter's hand.
- Tom Anderson: Huh. And I thought your generation had given up on being proper gentlemen. So, which one of you is fixing to win the hand of this little lady?
- Butt-head: Uh, right here!
- Beavis: Me. Yeah, me!
- Tom Anderson: Hmm. A love triangle, huh? Well, I guess you two will have to tangle since you know she can't give her hand to both of you.
- Beavis: Yeah, but she's got two of 'em.
- Tom Anderson: Jumping Jesus, son! A gal gives her hand to just one fellow. Now, let me give you boys a little tip: no one ever got anywhere just waiting around. When it comes to women, there's nothing wrong with being a little persistent.
- Butt-head: Uh...
- Tom Anderson: Damn it, boys! If you want that girl's hand, get off your keisters and go get it!
- Butt-head: He's right, Beavis. We've waited long enough.
- Beavis: Yeah. Her hand must be rested enough by now. [As they walk back to the house] Boing!
- Tom Anderson: Ah, young love.
"Tech Support" [8.04]
[edit]- Man on Phone: Yeah, I tried that, and, it still didn't work. And, I tried it again, but, you know, I keep getting the same error, and-
- Butt-head: Uh, do people ever tell you you sound boring on the phone? Can you like, shut up, and tell me how to get this computer to show porn?
- Man on Phone: What?! You've got to be kidding me! Where's your supervisor?!
- Hamid: Yes, do you see what they are saying?
- Supervisor: Yes, I do, and if you want to get ahead here, you just listen to these guys. See Hamid, our goal is to help the customer, of course. But if we're on the phone for too long, we don't make any money. We go out of business, and then what will the customers do?
- Beavis: I am Hamid! I am Chinese! Do not hang up on me!
- Supervisor: You see that? Keep up the good work, fellas!
- Butt-head: Uh, ma'am? Could you like, say "trackball" again?
- Woman on Phone: Track... ball...
- Hamid: Hey guys, this guy, he say "Microsoft!" Heh-heh! It's funny, right? "Micro-soft?" Eh-heh-heh!
- Butt-head: Uh, not bad, Hamid.
- Beavis: Yeah, you're getting better! Keep up the good work.
- Hamid: He said "power drain." Heh-heh-heh...
- Butt-head: Uh, that's not funny. This really isn't working out, Hamid.
- Hamid: Yes, but I am trying.
- Beavis: Yeah, I understand your frustration.
- Van Driessen: Now, I know we all think of the army as a killing machine, but unlike the marauding forces that perpetrated war crimes in Vietnam, today's army focuses more on peace-keeping and winning hearts and minds. M'kay?
- Lieutenant Decker: No, it's about killing the enemy. We actually focus on that quite a bit.
- Van Driessen: Right, well killing them with kindness.
- Lieutenant Decker: Not so much, really. Mostly with weapons. Everything from bayonets to stinger missiles.
- Van Driessen: Yes, which are fired only in self defense.
- Lieutenant Decker: Sometimes. Sometimes we just kill the bastards in their sleep. Gives us the element of surprise.
- Van Driessen: Um... how about we take a look at the barracks?
- Butt-head: [reading the "Drone Control" sign] Drain central? This must be the bathroom.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah. Heh. You know, see, that makes more sense than calling it a bathroom, because that's where you go to drain your lizard. You know what I'm saying? Drain central.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Are these video games?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, cool! Me first! I hope this game is unrated. That would be cool. [the sound beeps] Well, check it out. I think this is Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas, but with airplanes.
- Butt-head: Cool.
- Beavis: Where are the prostitutes?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think you need to find San Andreas first.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah. Here we go. I'm gonna shoot some prostitutes.
- Beavis: Hey, whoa! Check it out. Are those prostitutes? I think they have fur coats on. [flies the drone close to a herd of sheep, scaring them away]
- Butt-head: Damn it, butthole, you scared away all the prostitutes. Let me handle this. [plays with the joystick in a suggestive manner] Hey, Beavis, check it out. I'm fantasizing about your mom.
- [the duo fights with the remote]
- Beavis: Damn it, Butt-Hhead, cut it out!
- Butt-head: Wank...
- Beavis: I was here first. [pushes Butt-head to another seat]
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna kick your ass! [the sound beeps] Whoa. This one's cooler, anyway. This is gonna be cool.
"Holy Cornholio" [8.06]
[edit]- Beavis: [after accidentally forcing a screw through his hand, playing with an action figure and a screwdriver] Ahh! Butt-head!
- Butt-head: [referring to the screw] It's in his butt.
- Beavis: It hurts!
- Butt-head: Uh, I wouldn't know.
- Beavis: Uh, oh yeah! Well, I mean, the screw, went into my hand! Come on, get it out!
- Stewart: Oh my God! He's bleeding!
- Butt-head: Cool! Uh, don't worry, I'll fix it.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, do something! [Butt-head grabs a power drill] AHH! [holds hand away]
- Butt-head: Settle down, Beavis! [Beavis looks unsure] Uh, okay this is gonna like, hurt you a lot more than it's gonna hurt me. Now hold still, dumbass! [Beavis, shuts his eyes and holds both hands out to Butt-head, who accidentally forces the screw even deeper, through his other hand attaching his hands together]
- Beavis: Cut it out, bunghole!!
- Stewart: [panicking] OH MY GOD!
- Butt-head: Uhh, I think this screwdriver's like broken or something.
- Stewart: Oh my God! Butt-head, you gotta get Beavis to the hospital!
- Butt-head: Don't worry, Beavis. It's not the first time you've screwed your hand.
- Beavis: Oh yeah! Ow!
- Male Cult Member: Excuse me young brother, may we ask you a question?
- Beavis: Are you threatening me?! My bunghole will ask the questions! "Why do I not use T.P. for my pee-pee?"
- Female Cult Member: The beloved always did like riddles.
- Beavis: You will belove my bunghole! For I am the great Cornholio! I need T.P. for my bunghole!
- [See Beavis' screw wounds on his hands]
- Female Cult Member: Look! His hands! He has the stigmata!
- Beavis: Stigmata-tata from Lake Titicaca!
"Supersize Me" [8.07]
[edit]- [the boys continue eating at school until Mr. Van Driessen says food is not allowed in class]
- Van Driessen: Beavis, Butt-head, if it was up to me, you could eat in class, but the school board says you can't. M'kay?
- Butt-head: We have to. We're eating at Burger World for a month so we can get famous.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Like that Morgan Sherlock dude, you know what I'm saying?
- Van Driessen: Of course, you're taking on corporate America to expose a very important issue to your generation.
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah.
- Van Driessen: This is great. I'm so proud of you boys.
- Boy: So, does this mean that we can eat in class too?
- Van Driessen: No. Only Beavis and Butt-head can eat in class. They're engaged in an act of social protest, shining a light on the issue of teen obesity.
- Butt-head: We're eating in front of you.
- Beavis: Yeah, you can't have any.
- Van Driessen: Now, it's so important that you get your message out. Martin, maybe you can be part of this. [Martin reaches for a burger] No, I meant film Beavis and Butt-head, and then post it online.
- Butt-head: Yeah, make a movie about us.
- Van Driessen: The three of you can all use this as your semester service project. M'kay?
- Beavis: Yeah. Cool.
- Butt-head: We didn't bring enough for everybody.
- [as the Burger World headquarters watch Beavis and Butt-head's teen obesity video]
- Butt-head: We ate a lot of Burger World food, and now we're fat.
- Burger World CEO: No way. No one is gonna supersize us! These guys need to be stopped. Fire up the jet!
- Burger World CEO: Boys, here's some gift cards to Taco Yummo. They have unlimited funds. That means it's all you can eat, forever- eh, at Taco Yummo. Not Burger World.
- Butt-head: Cool. Now we'll score for sure.
- Beavis: Yeah!
- [they slowly walk away]
- Assistant: Are you sure about this, sir? Those two can eat a lot.
- Burger World CEO: Believe me, the cost is well worth it. Ugh, they're making me sick! Fire up the jet!
- [both are incredibly overweight and devouring tacos]
- Beavis: I don't even understand what the problem is with teen obesity. This is great!
- Butt-head: Yeah. Teen obesity kicks ass.
"Bathroom Break" [8.08]
[edit]- Manager: Beavis! Butt-head! Open this door right now!
- Beavis: We're taking a dump, sir. I'm sorry. You're gonna have to wait your turn.
- Butt-head: Yeah. We need some privacy. We're going to the bathroom, buttmunch.
- Manager: [opens door and realizes that the boys made a mess and drags them out] What are you two doing?
- Butt-head: Uh, we had to use the bathroom sir.
- Manager: They said you've been in there for a half hour!
- Beavis: Well, I think the food here gave us diarrhea, sir. [some customers are grossed out] It always does.
- Manager: Look, I don't care how bad you have to go to the bathroom, you get back to work right now, or you're fired!
- Lawyer: Wait just a minute. I'm a lawyer for the Labor Safety Organization.
- Manager: So what?
- Lawyer: These workers have a right to take as long of a bathroom break as they need.
- Manager: Oh, really?
- Lawyer: Yeah, it's the law.
- Beavis: Whoa!
- Butt-head: The law rules.
- Manager: Oh, I- uh... Well I'm sorry, I wasn't aware of that, then.
- Angry Woman: Can we get our order now?!
- Angry Man: We've been waiting for a long time here!
- Angry Woman: Ugh, come on already!
- Manager: Yes, yes, of course. I'm so sorry everybody. Okay, Beavis, take the register, Butt-head, you get in the kitchen.
- Butt-head: Uh, no. We're on our bathroom break.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's the law!
- [the manager runs outside to urinate]
- Police Officer: Excuse me, sir. How we doing today?
- Manager: Please go back inside. I'll be there in just a minute.
- Police Officer: Okay, sir, why don't you go ahead and put it away, zip it up, and put your hands against the wall.
- Manager: No, I... I'm the manager here, Okay? We've had a problem...
- Police Officer: Sir, hands against the wall, feet apart, now! You cannot do that here. That's public urination.
- Manager: Look, if you would just go... God!
- Police Officer: And that's indecent exposure. We got a 311 at Burger World. We're gonna need backup.
- [the boys are at Burger World with the rat]
- Beavis: [setting the rat near the ingredients] There you go. That's a good boy. Make yourself at home.
- [a lady comes in and orders]
- Lady: Uh yeah, I would like a double cheeseburger and large fries, please.
- Butt-head: Okay, how are you today?
- Beavis: [at the fry station] Alright boy, come on, step aside. [gets fries] Good boy, all yours.
- Lady: Is it going to be long?
- Butt-head: You said "long."
- [Beavis gives the lady her order]
- Beavis: Ah, here you go. [the rat appears] Aww... It looks like we have some company.
- Lady: [screams] A RAT!
- Butt-head: Yeah. He really likes fries.
- Beavis: And he seems to like the buns, too.
- Lady: I'm gonna report this. This is a health violation.
- Butt-head: Yeah, the food here sucks.
- Manager: [comes in] What the hell is going on? I just got a call saying that there was a rat in here.
- Butt-head: Yeah, check it out. It pooped everywhere.
- Manager: Oh, God. I'll have to call the exterminator.
- Beavis: We had to throw out all of those traps you had, you know. He almost died.
- Manager: Ok, where's the rat now?
- Butt-head: Uhh...
- Beavis: Well, I had him right here on the counter a minute ago, I don't know.
- Manager: It's not funny guys, okay? This is very serious and now we're gonna have to throw away all of the food. [leaves]
- [the boys try to look for the rat]
- Beavis: Here boy, come on.
- Butt-head: Here rat.
- Beavis: Here boy.
- Butt-head: Rat? Whoa! Well, I guess it's like, not like a dude after all.
- [the rat has given birth to rat pups]
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Butt-head: This is cool.
- Van Driessen: Class, this weekend, I'm organizing a trip down to the Gulf of Mexico. As you are all well aware, this oil spill is a crisis of unprecedented proportion. It's done great damage to the wetlands. [Beavis and Butt-head snicker in the back of the class] Giant tar balls are washing up all along the coast. And then there's the birds. It's too late for a lot of the older birds, but we can still rescue the chicks.
- Butt-head: Uh, chicks?
- Beavis: I'm listening.
- Van Driessen: Yes, Butt-head, so many of these poor chicks are dirty. They're just filthy.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Filthy chicks!
- Beavis: Yeah! Filthy chicks!
- Van Driessen: Yes, and we need people to go down there and wash them. Are there any volunteers?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. Count me in.
- Beavis: Yeah, this weekend's good for me.
- Van Driessen: Well great! Thank you, Beavis and Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Filthy chicks!
- News Anchor: The oil spill in the Gulf isn't just hurting people, it's hurting plants and animals, which are two other kinds of life. But it's not all bad news, which brings us to this week's local hero, Maya Kanigher. She's leading the efforts to clean the many baby birds damaged by this spill.
- Maya: When I saw what was happening to the birds here...
- News Anchor: Mmmm...
- Maya: I knew I had to act to save the chicks!
- News Anchor: Mmm... mmmm- wait, to save the uh...?
- Maya: The baby birds.
- News Anchor: Oh- oh right. Maya has organized an assembly line of young idealists who gather the birds, clean them, and dry them. These young volunteers are certainly doing their part.
- Beavis: So this is like, um, this is like, oil.
- Butt-head: Yeah. And we're covered in it, and we're gonna do it!
- Beavis: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
- News Anchor: That is an inspiring sentiment. We are all going to do it. We are all going to do it.
- Butt-head: Get in line, dude.
- News Anchor: Back to you, Geena.
- Officer: [knocking frantically on the door] Everyone out! This is an emergency evacuation!
- Butt-head: Dammit, what's going on out there?
- Beavis: Yeah. We're trying to watch TV!
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. It's probably that census dude again.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah. He's a real butthole.
- Butt-head: He said "head of household."
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, what does "apopalyptic" mean?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think it means like when it's the end of the world? Like in that movie?
- Beavis: Whoa! Does that mean like, it's like the apocaclypse now?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, maybe.
- Beavis: Let's go check it out.
- Butt-head: Uh, okay.
- Beavis: Maybe this will be cool.
- [as the two eat a bunch of food at Maxi Mart]
- Butt-head: Doesn't get any better than this, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yep, the end of the world kicks ass. [seeing an open register full of money] Hey, Butt-head, check it out! We're rich!
- Butt-head: We don't need money, dumbass. Everything is free from now on.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: We can just like, take whatever we want.
- Beavis: This is gonna be cool! You know what I'm gonna do, Butt-head? I'm gonna use every toilet in town.
- Butt-head: Uh, okay.
- Beavis: I may not even flush! Cuz I don't have to. I don't have to do anything.
- Butt-head: I'm like full.
- Beavis: Yeah, me too. So what do we do now? Like, go home?
- Butt-head: No, butt-monkey. The world is ours, remember? We can live anywhere we want to.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah.
- Butt-head: Let's go live at Stewart's house.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah! You know I've always wanted to live there.
- Butt-head: This is cool. Too bad all the chicks are dead.
- Beavis: The acapolypse is cool.
- Butt-head: Yeah, but like, if we're gonna live here, we can't have Stewart's stupid crap around.
- Beavis: Yeah, really. We need to make it cool.
- [the boys start throwing various items out and through the windows]
- Butt-head: Yeah. We won't be needing this. Or this. What kind of person buys one of these?
- Beavis: [picks up an urn] Yeah this vase sucks too. It's got a bunch of crap inside it.
- Butt-head: Uh, whoa! I think this is Stewart's grandma's ashes!
- Beavis: You mean she put her cigarettes out in a vase? [drops the urn, and it spills] That's disgusting! No reason for that.
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, you're making a mess. And you're getting on my nerves. Why don't you like live somewhere else?
- Beavis: Okay, I'll go live at Andersons! Or maybe Todd's! I bet that house is cooler than this house!
- [seeing a woman in a hazmat suit]
- Butt-head: Uh, hey baby.
- Beavis: How's it going?
- Woman: You two shouldn't be here! Both of you, come with me!
- Butt-head: Okay. I see your spacesuit saved you from the cocablypse. So like, do you wanna like, recopulate the Earth?
- Beavis: Yeah, we're the last two dudes left.
- Butt-head: You have no choice.
"Dumb Design" [8.12]
[edit]- Max: Hold on a sec' boys. Let me ask you a question. Do you really believe in evolution? Can you honestly say you understand it?
- Butt-head: Uhh, no.
- Beavis: I-I never could understand that crap.
- Max's Son: It's so complicated, no one can. My dad says the reason no one understands it is because it isn't true. He says learning it in biology class isn't worth going to hell for. [fist bumps his dad]
- Max: Bottom line is, Positive Acting Teens don't believe in evolution, and don't think they should have to learn it. Right guys?
- Positive Acting Teens: Yaaay!
- Butt-head: Uh, so like, if something's too complicated to understand, we shouldn't have to learn it?
- Positive Acting Teen: That's right.
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, really! I don't understand half the crap they talk about in there! Way too complicated.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Maybe these people are cool.
- Van Driessen: The Pythagorean Theorem can best be expressed with this equation: A squared, plus B squared, equals C squared.
- Butt-head: Uhh...
- Van Driessen: Yes, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uh, We shouldn't have to learn this.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah.
- Van Driessen: Uh, why not?
- Butt-head: 'Cause my uncle's not a monkey!
- Beavis: Yeah yeah! That's right!
- Van Driessen: This is geometry, not evolution. M'kay?
- Butt-head: Tell that to the Lord.
- Beavis: But it shall go unanswered as you roam the fiery pit of damnation! [they get up to leave]
- Butt-head: You're going to hell.
- Coach Buzzcut: Now, to start a wrestling match, one wrestler gets down on all fours, and the other wrestler mounts him from behind like so!
- Butt-head: Whoa! You're definitely going to hell.
- Beavis: Yeah! I don't understand that at all. I mean, if it's okay for you guys...
- Butt-head: To each his own.
- Biology Teacher: So, thanks to Beavis and Butt-head, you don't have to learn about evolution today if you don't want to.
- [the class cheers]
- Butt-head: We're popular.
- Beavis: That's us.
- Biology Teacher: Looks like no one wants to, very well. Then today, you have to study this. [pulls out a large textbook about Intelligent Design] I only have one copy, so please take detailed notes. The theory of Intelligent Design holds that certain features of the universe...
- Butt-head: Uhhh, wait a minute.
- Beavis: Oh boy...
- Butt-head: I knew that Max guy wasn't cool. Let's get out of here, Beavis. We're going to hell.
- Beavis: Yeah, maybe it won't be so bad. The charred walls of the damned...
"Copy Machine" [8.13]
[edit]- Coach Buzzcut: Due to a new school board edict, we will not be running ball-handling drills today. We will be building empathy. Do you know what empathy is, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: Uh, is that, like, something to do with ball-handling?
- Coach Buzzcut: SHUT UP! Empathy. Empathy is when you feel what someone else is feeling. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!
- Butt-head: Uh, feel someone else?
- Coach Buzzcut: SHUT UP! Now, you will take these self-esteem worksheets, and you will make copies.
- Butt-head: Uh, you mean, like, with the copy machine?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Cool!
- Coach Buzzcut: Yes, but let me be clear. You will only copy the worksheet. You will not copy your butts again. Do you understand, Beavis?!
- Beavis: So, do not copy my butt?
- Coach Buzzcut: SAY IT AGAIN.
- Beavis: Do not copy my butt!
- Beavis: [as he photocopies the worksheet; slowly getting entranced by the copy machine] Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. Do not copy my butt. [getting more entranced] Copy my butt. Copy my butt. Copy my butt- my butt- my butt- my butt-
- Butt-head: Hey, Beavis. You know what would be cool? You should, like, copy your butt.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah, yeah.
- [he gets up on the copy machine to copy his butt, but the glass breaks and screams]
- Butt-head: That was cool.
- Beavis: My butt!
- Sapphire: Come on Crystal, no one's here. Let's try the basketball courts. I know a couple of dealers who hang out there.
- Crystal: Hang on, I think I see just what we need. [notices Beavis, jittery from the energy drink] That guy is tweaking for sure! [approaches the boys] Are you holding, sugar?
- Beavis: Wow, yeah! Yeah I am holding! See? Yeah. I am holding.
- Crystal: That's great sugar, 'cause I really need to score.
- Beavis: Oh yeah?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, you do?
- Beavis: I am holding.
- Crystal: I need you to come with me though, is that alright?
- Butt-head: Yeah. We can do this wherever you want, baby.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
- Crystal: Great. [they approach the van] Just get in the van.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Is she gonna do it too?
- Crystal: Hell yeah, she just can't get enough!
- Crystal: Hey y'all, this here's Beavis and Butt-head.
- Gary: Yes! The stars of the party are here!
- Butt-head: Whoa! These guys already know we're porn stars.
- Beavis: Yeah! And we haven't even done it yet!
- Gary: Now we can start! Tim, Do you have everything fixed yet?
- Tim: I'm trying! I told you, we really needed a dual-bed HD streaming router.
- Gary: And I told you we don't have enough money. It was either go to the office supply store, or get drugs. I made an executive decision, and I stand by it.
- Gary's Mom: [knocking on the door] Gary? What are you and your friends doing in there?
- Gary: Nothing, Ma!
- Gary's Mom: Do you and your friends want some sandwhiches?
- Gary: SHUT UP!!! [locks the door] Man... [laughs jovially] I love crank! Especially chasing that white dragon. What exactly you guys holding? Break it out!
- Butt-head: Uhhh... you wanna see my crank?
- Beavis: Yeah, um, I don't show my "white dragon" to dudes. Sorry.
- Butt-head: Uh, you've never shown it to chicks either, dumbass.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, but I don't show it to dudes on purpose, know what I'm saying? Not even in the gym.
- Sapphire: Come on, guys, break out the stuff!
- Tim: Yeah. This better be good stuff, better than the dual-band router I was gonna get.
- Crystal: Break out the drugs!
- Butt-head: Uh, what are you talking about? We don't have any drugs.
- Gary: No drugs?
- Tim: And no router???
- Gary: I thought you said you found someone!
- Sapphire: She probably did it all behind our backs!
- Hamid: Uh, so what you think, guys? Can you see yourself driving this car?
- Butt-head: Uhh, yeah.
- Beavis: Yeah, I can see that. That would be cool! I bet we could score.
- Hamid: Yes, yes, definitely my friend. I must congratulate you both, you picked a very good day to buy a car.
- Butt-head: Yeah. We're smart.
- Hamid: So you can see the price is $3000, but let's talk, you know? Tell me, what will it take to get you into this car today?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, you said something about zero?
- Beavis: Yeah, that'll work. Zero point zero.
- Hamid: Heh heh heh, I don't think my manager would go for that, but maybe I could give you, you know, maybe $500 off this price. It's good.
- Butt-head: Uh, you're gonna give us $500 to take the car?
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Cool! We'll take it!
- Hamid: Uh, no! No! That's not what I meant. No, I cannot do that. No.
- Butt-head: Uhh, hmm...
- Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. Are we still okay at zero?
- Butt-head: Uhh, I don't know. A free car doesn't sound so great after he was gonna give us $500 to take it.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Hamid: Wait, wait, no. I did not ever say-
- Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head, I mean, you know zero dollars for a car, you know, I mean that's not bad.
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, gas is expensive. Uh, I'll take like, $250 from you to take this car, but that's like, my final offer.
- Hamid: [after returning the crashed car] Eh, I am very sorry. They crashed the car.
- Dealer: I'll deal with you later. Boys, looks like you've just bought yourselves a car.
- Butt-head: Uh, no way!
- Beavis: Yeah, this one's all broken, and stuff.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I can't see myself driving it anymore.
- Beavis: Yeah. We want a fresh one.
- Butt-head: Uh, but I'm gonna have to ask you to give us a thousand dollars to take the new one.
- Beavis: Yeah, Hamid already agreed to give us $500 for the old one. Look at it now, you know?
- Dealer: Whoa, hold on, here! That's not how it works. You gotta buy this car, or I'm gonna hold onto your licenses and contact your insurance company!
- Butt-head: Uh, we don't have licenses.
- Beavis: Yeah, OR insurance company.
- Dealer: [to Hamid; infuriated] You DIDN'T get their licenses and proof of insurance?! You're fired! And you two, get off my lot, and don't let me ever see you here again!
"Bounty Hunters" [8.16]
[edit]- [at a hardware store]]
- Butt-head: Uh, excuse me? Could you tell me where the hoes are?
- Store Associate: Same place they were last week. Aisle five.
- [both Beavis and Butt-head have equipment for bounty-hunting and arrive at a post office]
- Butt-head: Dog was cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. He's really down to Earth in person, you know?
- Butt-head: Well, there's the pictures of the criminals. We need to kick their asses and haul them downtown. [eyeing portraits of the governor, postmaster general, and president Barack Obama] Look at them.
- Beavis: Real scum of the earth.
- Butt-head: [grabs Obama's portrait and looks to a postal worker] Uh, excuse me, sir. Have you seen this man?
- Beavis: Any information can help, sir. You can like, remain anmonymous, too.
- Postal Worker: Yeah, he's in Europe right now for a summit. [leaves]
- Butt-head: Damn it, Europe's like way over in Russia or something.
- Butt-head: [approaching Clifton Karate School] This is the place, Beavis.
- Beavis: This is a pretty crappy school.
- Butt-head: Yeah, really. No wonder these kids joined a gang.
- Beavis: Yeah, so young. They had their whole lives ahead of them, you know? But we still have a job to do.
- Butt-head: Yeah. A job to kick their asses. You ready, brah?
- Beavis: Yeah, shouldn't we pray? Dog always prays before they chase a skip.
- Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah. Okay. [they bow their heads] Uh, God is great, God is good, and we thank him for our food. Okay, let's roll Beavis.
"Time Machine" [8.17]
[edit]- Town Actor: Welcome to Prairie Falls. You lucky students have traveled back in time to a typical 19th century homesteading community. Come and meet my fellow townsfolk. [lets Beavis and Butt-head enter]
- Butt-head: Uh, did that guy say something about like, traveling back in time? [they approach Van Driessen in 19th century attire]
- Van Driessen: Howdy, fair strangers. I am Tobias Van Driessen, a humble but hard working cobbler, who dwells in the cabin down by the old fork river.
- Butt-head: Uh, how come Van Driessen's talking like a foreigner?
- Beavis: I don't know. Maybe we're in Mexico or something. Let's go find a TV.
- Van Driessen: TV? I know not what you talk of, for the year is 1832. Now come and watch us thresh wheat.
- Butt-head: Uh, 1832? That's like, not now.
- Beavis: Aren't we more than that?
- Butt-head: Whoa! Hey Beavis, check it out! Look at all these people! Maybe that dork was right. Maybe we did travel back in time.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. How did that happen?
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe that bus broke the time-space cundominium?
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, like in that movie, Back to the Future.
- Butt-head: Oh yeah. Maybe we can score with your mom.
- Beavis: I wonder if we're gonna see dinosaurs. That would be cool.
- Butt-head: You dumbass, dinosaurs haven't been invented yet.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Beavis: Hey Butt-head, since we traveled back in time a thousand years, does that mean that old dude is like, Van Driessen's dad or something?
- Butt-head: Uh, oh yeah. He's old. [they approach a woman working a butter churn Whoa! Come to Butt-head.
- Beavis: Yeah, me too!
- Megan: I do declare, working this pole is hard.
- Beavis: Oh yeah!
- Van Driessen: [whispering to the woman] You look familiar, were you at the Renaissance fair this summer?
- Megan: Yes! I'm Lady Wentworth.
- Van Driessen: Ah, I knew it! I'm Squire Robin! [to the class] Um, class? Why don't you run along and enjoy our simple way of life, m'kay? And take notes! [returns his attention to Megan]
- Butt-head: This sucks. How come a wuss like that can score and we can't?
- Beavis: Um, how do you know he's gonna score?
- Butt-head: Because Van Driessen was born, dumbass. Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something cool we could do! If we could stop that old wuss from scoring, Van Driessen will never be born. We'll never have to go to that stupid class again.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah! This is gonna be cool! I mean, or it was cool. I mean, in the past, I mean like after we do it, it's gonna be cool to think back upon.
- Butt-head: Uh, hey, baby. Would you like to be touched?
- [Beavis and Butt-Head become massagers in order to massage chicks]
- Butt-head: [impersonating the massagers] Um, okay. Act Chinese, Beavis.
- Beavis: Um, "now you go! You go to hell! What hell you doing?" That's all the Chinese I know. Oh, wait a minute! "Me Chinese, me play joke, me put pee-pee in your Coke."
- Butt-head: That was pretty good, Beavis. [a lady comes] Whoa.
- Women: [sighs] I'm having some upper back pain and on my neck, so if you could just work on that, that would be great.
- [Butt-head gets ready to touch her, but the workers show up angrily and push him away]
- Massage Worker: [angrily] WHAT THE HELL YOU DOING? YOU TRY AND TAKE MY BUSINESS?!
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. We wanna be massagers.
- Massage Worker: [sees an obese man approaching] Okay, you two now massagers.
- Butt-head: Uh, really?
- Fat Man: Ugh. I'm ready. I need to get my circulation going. I got a real bad spell of the gout. Probably that shellfish I ate. [sits on the massage chair]
- [the lady leaves]
- Massage Worker: [points at the fat man] GET TO WORK!
- Butt-head: Uh, let's get out of here. [a security guard and a janitor suddenly show up]
- Security Guard: Hold on. Okay. Did you two have anything to do with taking this guy's tools?
- Massage Worker: They here with us whole time. New employees! Massage this guy now.
- Butt-head: Uh, no thanks.
- Security Guard: The police are on their way. Do you work here, yes or no?
- Massage Worker: Show him! Show him you not thief. You a massager! Massage!
- [the cops show up]
- Butt-Head: Uh, yeah. We're massagers.
- Fat Man: Uh, I'm gonna need you to massage the fluid back up into my torso. Uh, then rub the extremities till they aren't so blue anymore. Now don't mind that smell. That's just the muscle eating the bone. Doctor said he's only heard of it this bad in cattle before. Looks like a table leg got caught in a wood chipper, don't it?
- Butt-head: Uhhh...
- Beavis: ... Well, he does have boobs.
"School Test" [8.19]
[edit]- Principal McVicker: You two are the worst students this school has ever had. And now because of that No Child Left Behind law, we may lose our funding! Teachers will get laid off, I could lose my job!
- Butt-head: Uh... did you say something about a child's behind?
- Beavis: Yeah, he definitely said something about a child's left behind! I heard him!
- Butt-head: No wonder you're gonna lose your job.
- Principal McVicker: SHUT UP! How dare you!
- Van Driessen: Okay, let's all calm down for a moment. Now Beavis, Butt-head, because next week's standardized test is so important, we're going to use all of our best resources at Highland High School to help you prepare, m'kay?
- Principal McVicker: It's a waste of time, they'll never get it! They're morons! They have the worst grades I've ever seen!
- Van Driessen: Well that just means that these boys have the most room for improvement. Remember, it's all about helping the children.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Just keep them away from their behinds.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Principal McVicker: You see that?! Right there! That's what I'm talking about!
- Butt-head: Uh, hey, you know, whatever you're into.
- Guidance Counselor: Low grades reflect a lack of goals.
- Butt-head: Uh, I thought it was because we're stupid.
- Beavis: Yeah.
- Guidance Counselor: Not at all. So what do you want out of life?
- Butt-head: Uh, I wanna score.
- Beavis: Yeah, with two chicks! And I want money, too! Yeah!
- Butt-head: That would be cool.
- Guidance Counselor: What about your higher aspirations?
- Butt-head: "Ass."
- Beavis: Whoa, you're into behinds too? You and McVicker should hang out.
- Butt-head: [as teachers are giving their lectures] Whoa! I just got something!
- [The teachers, hopeful that Butt-head has actually learned something of what they taught, give him their full attention.]
- Butt-head: ... Number two pencil! Number two.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah!
- Butt-head: Number two.
- Beavis: It's a poop pencil!
- Angry Man: Hey Todd, where's my money?!
- Todd: I don't have it, bitch.
- Angry Man: What'd you call me?!
- Todd: Bitch!
- Angry Man: What'd you call me?! [is punched unconscious by Todd, who runs away]
- Butt-head: Whoa! Beavis! We like, saw that.
- Beavis: I know! I know! Someday, we'll be able to tell our grandparents about this.
- Butt-head: Hey Beavis, remember when Todd punched that guy out?
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, that's all I've been thinking about.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That was cool.
- Beavis: It's cool, yeah. That's exactly what I was gonna say. [Todd suddenly shows up]
- Todd: Listen up, guys.
- Butt-head: Whoa!
- Beavis: Speak of the devil.
- Butt-head: Yeah, this is weird, because like, we were just talking about-
- Todd: SHUT UP! Now look, the cops busted me for punching that guy, and now they're bringing me to trial for assault. It really sucks, because I was totally acting in self-defense. But I don't have to tell you, you were the only witnesses. So you know the truth, right?!
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. We know the truth.
- Beavis: Yeah. You kicked that guy's ass.
- Butt-head: It was the coolest thing we have ever seen.
- [Todd grabs Beavis and kicks Beavis]
- Todd: That's not what you saw, douchbags! Tomorrow, some pig's gonna serve you a subpoena!
- Butt-head: You said "sub-"
- Todd: It's not funny, man! You better tell him exactly what you saw. It was just me defending myself. Get it?!
- Butt-head: Uh, yup. Got it.
- Beavis: Got it.
- Butt-head: You can count on us.
- Beavis: Let go.
- [Todd leaves]
- Butt-head: That was cool.
- Beavis: So um, what are we supposed to say? Like, he was defending himself?
- Butt-head: Yeah. That guy had the nerve to ask Todd for the money he owed him, so Todd had no choice but to kick his ass.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. He kicked his ass. That reminds me, Butt-head. You have that two dollars that I loaned you?
- Butt-head: Uh, I don't have it, bitch. [begins repeatedly punching Beavis]
- Beavis: Ow! Ahh! Butt-hole! Ow!
- Butt-head: I'm defending myself. [continues punching Beavis]
- Prosecutor: Is the person who started the fight here in the court room today?
- Butt-head: Uh, yeah. He's right there.
- Prosecutor: Would you point to him, please?
- Butt-head: Uh, him. Todd. [both he and Beavis point to an infuriated Todd]
- Beavis: Yeah, we saw him kicking ass, your honor.
- Butt-head: You said "you're on her."
- Beavis: Oh yeah, you're on 'er. Boy, nothing gets by you, Butt-head. You should be a lawyer.
"Whorehouse" [8.21]
[edit]- [as Beavis and Butt-head walk by a women's health clinic being picketed]
- Picketer: [in a megaphone] Whores! Fornicators! Whores! Fornicators!
- Butt-head: Uh, what is this place?
- Picketer: [giving Butt-head a pamphlet] Here ya are, son. You can read all about it.
- Butt-head: Uh, no. [drops the pamphlet] Did you say there were whores in there?
- Picketer: Well boys, you tell me. Those women that are going in there have had sexual relations outside of a marriage, and that is the Bible definition of a whore. [returns to picketing] Whores! Fornicators!
- Butt-head: Cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Whores!
- Butt-head: Whores!
- Picketer: Hold on a second. [chuckles] Now I do appreciate your enthusiasm, boys. It's wonderful to see young boys interested in doing the Lord's work. But I think you might be a little bit off on the tone. Now you just watch me. [angrily into his megaphone] WHORES! FORNICATORS! THE LORD COMMANDS YOU TO REPENT! [to Beavis and Butt-head] See that? That's how it's done.
- Butt-head: Whoa! Hey Beavis, I just thought of something. If there's whores in there, this must be a whorehouse!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah! Yeah! A whorehouse!
- Butt-head: A whorehouse!
- Beavis: Yeah! You know, I always thought there should be a whorehouse here.
- Butt-head: So that dude must have started his own whorehouse.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, wow. Why didn't we think of that? Damn it.
- Picketer: Whores! Fornicators! [gives a couple protest signs to Beavis and Butt-head] Here you go. You boys are gonna need a sign.
- Butt-head: Yeah. We'll help you get the word out.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah. We really appreciate what you're doing here, you know? It's just great.
- Picketer: [chuckles] Well I'm just glad there are people your age as passionate as I am about putting fallen women on the righteous path, boys. That's what we're all about here. [into his megaphone] Whores! Fornicators!
- Butt-head: Yeah. On a path where they've fallen on my wiener.
- [as Beavis and Butt-head approach the clinic]
- Beavis: We're finally gonna do it! It's really gonna happen!
- [they are immediately blocked by a security guard]
- Security Guard: Stop right there.
- Butt-head: Uh, don't worry, dude, we're cool.
- Beavis: Yeah. You can just let us in.
- Security Guard: Please step back onto the sidewalk.
- Butt-head: Uh, we know the owner. So I'm gonna have to ask you to go ahead and step aside.
- Beavis: Yeah, just step aside. I don't have a lot of time. I'm busy.
- Security Guard: If you do not step back onto the sidewalk, I will have to escort you off the property.
- Butt-head: Escorts?
- Beavis: Have you done them already?
"Going Down" [8.22]
[edit]- Butt-head: [as they approach a hotel] It won't be long now, Beavis. Soon we will hear her voice. This is gonna be cool.
- Beavis: It's a long walk, but you know, it's worth it.
- Butt-head: Yeah.
- Beavis: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
- Butt-head: Okay. Get ready, Beavis.
- [they enter an elevator]
- Beavis: [pushing a button] Pee...
- Butt-head: Here she comes.
- Elevator Announcer: Going down. [the boys cackle]
- Butt-head: Going down.
- Beavis: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
- Elevator Announcer: P-1. Going down.
- Beavis: Going down.
- Butt-head: Going down.
- [a woman enters the the elevator]
- Woman: Number two, please.
- Butt-head: Number two.
- Woman: [as they try to get help in the trapped elevator] Listen, I think that roof panel comes off. And we can get out that way. I'll get on top of you...
- Butt-head: You'll what?
- Woman: And we can build a three-way boost...
- Beavis: [as they cackle endlessly] Okay!
- Woman: [annoyed] Hey!
- Beavis: Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing!
- Butt-head: Three way.
- Woman: HEY! Hey, shut up! [the boys immediately stop laughing] Okay, listen. Do you guys wanna have sex?
- Butt-head: Uh, okay.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! I mean, if it's not too much trouble.
- Woman: Okay, here's how we're gonna do it. One of you gets down on all fours, and the other gets on top of him in the same position.
- Butt-head: Whatever you say, baby.
- [Beavis gets down on all fours, with Butt-head getting atop of him]
- Woman: Yeah, just like that! [she begins to climb Beavis and Butt-head]
- Beavis: Ow!
- Butt-head: Alright, lady. Get on up there- ow. [the lady opens the roof panel and climbs out, leaving Beavis and Butt-head atop one another]
- Beavis: I can't believe our luck!
- Butt-head: This is gonna be cool!
- Butt-head: Hey, how's it going? Are you going down?
- Lady: [comes in] Uh, yeah. P2 please.
- Elevator Announcer: P2, going down.
- [after the elevator closes, Beavis presses buttons inside as it breaks down]
Cast
[edit]See also
[edit]External links
[edit]- Official website
- Beavis and Butt-Head quotes at the Internet Movie Database