Beavis and Butt-head (MTV programming commentary)
Beavis and Butt-head (1993–1997, 2011) was an American animated television series that originally aired on the cable television channel MTV. It followed the misadventures of two teenagers, Beavis and Butt-head. In addition to viewing and commenting on music videos interspersed with the episodes, starting in the eighth season, the two title characters also began viewing and commenting on MTV programming, also interspersed with the episodes.
Pilots • Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9 • 10 • 11 • Specials • Music videos • MTV programming • Feature film • Sequel film • Album • Main
Beavis and Butt-head's Cinema Classics
[edit]- Butt-head: Good evening. Tonight, Beavis and I will be discussing a wonderful and inspiring film called The Human Centipede. In this movie, a German doctor surgically connects this chick's mouth to another chick's butt, then he connects that chick's mouth to a Chinese dude's butt, creating a Siamese triplet called the human centipede.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, you know it really is uplifting.
- Butt-head: Through this experience, they learn about cooperation, friendship, and love.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, and they also learn what human butt tastes like. At least two of them do.
- Butt-head: Yeah. That's uplifting.
- Josef Heiter: The Siamese triplet, connected via the gastric system. Ingestion by A, passed through B, extraction, through C.
- Butt-head: That's the butt.
MTV Programming
[edit]Cuff'd
[edit]- John: You know what? I got a beautiful girlfriend, oh my God, I hope she don't rag on me tonight after this shit, 'cause my dad's gonna whoop my ass, period.
- Roger: His dad knows that he's a dumbass!
- Beavis: I think they're being a little too hard on themselves. I mean, they're not that dumb.
- Butt-head: Yeah really. I mean, they figured out how to get booze, and that one dude said he has a girlfriend. Plus like, once you go to jail, you can get all the chicks you want.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, chicks are all like, "Oooh, you've been to jail! Check him out!"
- Roger: You're human, I'm human, I've learned, he's learned, we've both learned...
- Beavis: Oh okay, yeah yeah. He's learned, come on! We haven't learned! Come on! Teach us! Where did you get the booze, and how did you get the girlfriend?!
- Butt-head: These guys are just so cool!
- Beavis: Yeah, it's like, we're sitting here on the couch, and they're out there making it happen!
- Butt-head: Yeah it's like, they're doing things and getting girlfriends and booze.
- Beavis: Yeah, see, we need to get up off our butts, and figure things out, and do stuff like Roger and John here! Yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah. Finally MTV's putting on some like, inspirational shows. Officer Wickham's gonna give them both a cavity search.
- Butt-head: Boy, she must've done something really bad for him to ghost her.
- Beavis: Yeah, she probably, like, killed his dog and slapped his mom and stuff. Even then, though, I still don't think I'd ghost her, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: Yeah, this better be good.
- Beavis: We gotta pay attention.
- Dante: The real reason I ghosted you, Giovanna, is because you're a sex addict.
- Giovanna: What?
- Butt-head: Uh... what?
- Beavis: Wait, wait a second. Whoa, whoa. You know, it almost sounded like he said she wants to have sex too much, and that's why he broke up with her.
- Butt-head: Uh, that can't be right.
- Dante: Girl, you're like a fucking rabbit. I mean, you're just fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
- Beavis: Wait, he is! He is complaining! What?! He's complaining about that?!
- Butt-head: This is the dumbest dude I've ever seen in my life.
- Beavis: Oh, he's not just dumb, Butt-head! [With eyes bugging out] He's a lousy sonofabitch!
- Butt-head: He sure is.
- Beavis: How dare he! I mean, some of us, you know, like me, don't have any sex ever! And he's sitting there with his man bun, and complaining about having too much sex?!
- Butt-head: Jesus Christ.
- Dante: ...multiple times a day, every day.
- Beavis: I don't know what number multiple is, but it's better than zero!
- Butt-head: Exactly.
- Beavis: You know, there's starving kids in poor countries, and they probably get to score, but I don't! And look at this guy! Who does he think he is?!
- Butt-head: For once, I'm not gonna say, "settle down, Beavis." You're absolutely right.
- Beavis: I hate him! I hate him, Butt-head! [He picks a rock up from the coffee table and throws it at the TV, then flings the coffee table at it, and begins punching it in a rage] Shut up!
- Butt-head: That's right, Beavis.
- Beavis: [kicking the TV into oblivion] Shut up! Shut up, you butt-monkey!
- Butt-head: Kick his ass! Lousy son-of-a-bitch. Teach him a lesson.
- Beavis: [bashing the TV with the rock] You don't wanna score? Well, how about not scoring with some of this?! [Finished, he walks back to the couch] Yeah.
- Butt-head: That's how you take care of that.
- Beavis: That'll teach him a lesson.
- Butt-head: That was cool.
- Beavis: Sorry. I just really hated him, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: We don't have a TV anymore.
- Beavis: Um... why not? [realizing] Oh, yeah.
Help! I'm In a Secret Relationship!
[edit]- Rahne Jones: Carlos, secrecy...
- Beavis: What is this show? What are they doing here?
- Butt-head: It's that show where people have, like, a boyrfriend or a girlfriend, but they're afraid to tell anyone.
- Julie: I needed help, because... I've had enough of your lies.
- Butt-head: "Because, you told me you were tall and good looking."
- Julie: ... Spencer, who said...
- Butt-head: "And Spencer told me that's not true."
- Beavis: "'Cause he told me you were fat, and short, and had a bad beard, and were really sweaty. Is that true?"
- Julie: ... Who said that you actually had a vasectomy. It was on stage, but I know there's...
- Beavis: Oh, wait a minute, he had a vasectomy on stage?
- Butt-head: And then they threw tomatoes at him.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's tough in here, I tell ya.
- Carlos: Let's start with the vasectomy joke. It's a fucking joke. I made a pun on vasectomies. I thought that was hilarious.
- Butt-head: He made a pun on vasectomies? Uhh, how would you do that?
- Beavis: Yeah, I guess you could say, um, like- uh- Oh! Oh, I know! Maybe it's like,"Vasecto-me? More like vasecto-you!" Or- or something.
- Butt-head: He was probably like, "Knock, knock. Who's there? Vasecta. Vasecta who? Uhh, vasecto-big fat guy with sweaty arm pits and a bad beard."
- Carlos: I host sex parties.
- Julie: You have sex with other people on stage?
- Carlos: No, no...
- Butt-head: "No, no no, I'm not that cool."
- Carlos: I can show you. Basically, we host these parties where we sell sex toys. Nipple clamps, dildoes...
- Butt-head: He's like, "Okay, okay, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I'm the king of discount butt plugs."
- Beavis: Yeah. "Gotta make a living somehow. My comedy sucks."
- Butt-head: "And I'm unattractive."
- Carlos: ...and my parents know about this. Here's a video, right here.
- Beavis: I'm confused, Butt-head. So he's having sex parties and selling nipple clamps and butt plugs, and that's why he doesn't want her to meet his parents?
- Butt-head: His parents are proud of him. He comes from a long line of butt plug salesmen. "Including my great-great-great grandfather, Alexander Buttploog."
- Beavis: [in an accent] "He came over from the old country, Old Buttploogia. When he came here, he didn't have a dildo in his pocket. Just a butt plug, and a dream."
- Butt-head: "And it wasn't in his pocket."
- Julie: For four years, you've dodged me meeting your parents, meeting your friends, going to half your comedy shows.
- Carlos: Because they all know about this stuff!
- Beavis: Okay, okay, but, um, I still don't completely understand. So, like um, so he's like, "I don't want you to meet my parents until I tell you that I sell butt plugs. Then it'll be okay."
- Butt-head: His parents were probably like, "So you want us to meet your girlfriend? Well how many butt plugs did she buy?"
- Beavis: "Wait, none??? Well, then what's in her butt right now? Nothing?! I don't wanna meet her! Forget it! No!"
- Julie: ...gonna have to figure out a way to talk about this, but I can't imagine losing you.
- Butt-head: What?!
- Beavis: I sure can.
- Travis Mills: ...and I'm hopeful for you both.
- Beavis: "Will you make me the luckiest man in the world, and take my discount butt plug?"
- [Carlos leads Julie to his family]
- Butt-head: "You are one of us, now. We're not losing a son, you're gaining a butt plug. It belonged to Carlos's grandmother, until about ten minutes ago, but we want you to have it."
- Beavis: Yeah yeah. "You might wanna wash it first."
- Butt-head: "And don't worry, that dog won't poop in the house."
- Beavis: "Yeah, we've seen to that."
- Nico Tortella: ...Diana has in store for Denzel, but he did not come to play...
- Beavis: "But he did nooot come to play."
- Butt-head: Boy, he sucks.
- Beavis: What is this anyway?
- Butt-head: This is that show where they take a couple, and then like, they have 'em give each other tattoos, but they can't see it until they're all done, or something. Another fine offering from the good people at MTV.
- [as a tattoo of Diana's name is revealed in a ball and chain design tattoo on an ankle]
- Butt-head: Uhh... Diarrhea?
- Beavis: Whoa! It doesn't really look like diarrhea though, you know? It doesn't usually come in a ball like that, you know? I mean, I'm not a doctor or anything, you know? Just a fan, you know?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, wait a minute, I think that's her name.
- Beavis: You know, it's not a bad name, really, you know? Because diarrhea just kind of flows off the tongue, you know? Diarrhea Jones, yeah.
- Butt-head: Uhh, it doesn't flow off the tongue, Beavis. It flows out of your butt.
- Butt-head: Okay, let's see what he had tattooed on her.
- Beavis: I bet this is gonna be good, yeah.
- [the tattoo reads "Will you marry me?!"]
- Butt-head: Uh, I think this also says "diarrhea."
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah. Yeah, with a picture of some diarrhea too, yeah. See, now that looks like diarrhea, yeah.
- Butt-head: [as someone begins to propose] Uh, so I guess they're both named Diarrhea. Well, that makes it easier. He's like, "Diarrhea, will you make me the luckiest man in the world?"
- Beavis: "I wanna have you forever, Diarrhea."
- Butt-head: Then when they get married, the priest is gonna be like, "Diarrhea, do you take this man, who I think's name is also Diarrhea, to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, through sickness, and, uhh... I guess just through sickness?"
- Beavis: "Through diarrhea and health."
- Butt-head: Their honeymoon's gonna be in the toilet.
- Beavis: "I do-doo."
- Jenni Jwoww: When I'm 80 years old, and I'm teaching my kids how to make pizza, and they ask me, "Oh, where'd you make pizza?" Bitch, I made it in Florence! That's where I made pizza!
- Beavis: So she's gonna call her grandkids "bitch"?
- Butt-head: "You're the best grandma ever, Grandma Jwoww."
- Beavis: Yeah, "Please don't hit us again." Yeah, "Are Uncle Juice-Head and Grandpa Gorilla gonna help us make pizza?"
- Butt-head: "Grandma Jwoww, where did you get syphilis?"
- Beavis: "Yeah, tell us that story, bitch!"
- Vinny: She loves hot salami!
- Snooki: Vinny, shut up.
- Beavis: [annoyed] Yeah yeah, she loves hot salami, see he means schlong.
- Butt-head: [imitating the Italian cook] You are saying she a slut-a. That's good to know, now let's get to making a pizza.
- Deena: I come off like a hard exterior, and I can take, like when the boys pick on me...
- Butt-head: Yeah. She has a hard exterior, but deep inside, she has a soft, nasty, slutty center.
- Ronnie: Go!!
- Beavis: Yeah, Go! Get in there, and have sex with him, now!
- Butt-head: You're wasting all our time!
- Beavis: What TV show do you think you're on here?! Come on!
- Snooki: Space means, like Guidos, Juicehead Gorrilas, sexy tan sweaty boys.
- Butt-head: Guidos, juiceheads, and gorillas. Oh my.
- Beavis: So is Snooki a Gorilla?
- Butt-head: Dammit, Beavis, you've watched three seasons of this show, and you've learned nothing. What a waste of time.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Guess I need to watch them again.
- Snooki: ... I have to poop.
- Butt-head: Tune in next week! Will Snooki poop?
- Beavis: And if so, where?
- Snooki: What I would love to find is a Guido or Juicehead. Can I find that somewhere? 'Cause I'm not gonna go on Match.com again.
- Manager: Start to work faster!
- Butt-head: She met this dude on Match.com, and he put her to work.
- Beavis: He was like, "I have all these qualities."
- Butt-head: "I have match for you: you and this mop. Go on date with floor."
- Beavis: You know, I have a checklist too. She has to have at least one boob, and she has to be a girl, and um, and it can't be my mom.
- Butt-head: Uh, I have the same list, but it like, includes your mom.
- [as Snooki is arrested]
- Beavis: Whoa, they arrested Snooki?
- Snooki: [sobbing] Is this really happening right now?
- Beavis: [slurring mockingly] "This is really happenengh???"
- Butt-head: She sounds like that little kid that went to the dentist on YouTube.
- Pauly D: The airboat is serious, like the propeller is huge! I mean, that would work better than my hair dryer. Maybe instead of 25 minutes to do my hair, it would only take me ten.
- Beavis: Yeah. "Yeah, I came up with that myself, you know what I'm saying?"
- [as an alligator approaches their airboat]
- Butt-head: The crocodile's like, "Oh, they're Guidos. They all taste like spray tan."
- Beavis: Yeah. "Too much gristle."
- Snooki: [about Vinny] He's like my big brother, I love him, but you usually don't have sex with your big brother.
- Butt-head: Yeah. She usually doesn't have sex with her big brother.
- Beavis: But you know, sometimes you're "DTF" you know, no one else is around, it's dark...
- Butt-head: Mom and dad are at the movies...
- Snooki: I'm a whore, hello?
- Butt-head: That's how she answers the phone.
- Beavis: She should like um, she'd be a greeter.
- Butt-head: Yeah. "I'm a whore, welcome to Costco."
- The Situation: Now I can sit back and watch the master plan ensue. [the dogs begin pooping on the floor]
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Poop!
- The Situation: Aw, hell yeah!
- Beavis: Aw hell yeah!
- The Situation: The master plan is going down!
- Butt-head: So that was his master plan? To have the dogs like poop on the rug?
- Beavis: That's a good plan, but see, a better master plan would have been for the Situation to poop on the floor, and then blame it on the dogs, see?
- Butt-head: Uh, wow. That's pretty good, Beavis. That proves that you're even smarter than the Situation.
- Beavis: Well, I mean, you know, I don't know if I'd go that far. You know, it would be cool to meet him sometime. You know, and just talk about like, you know, poop and stuff, master plans, I don't know.
- JWoww: Something smells like poop.
- Butt-head: And that something is poop.
Megan
[edit]- Megan: Nathan used to spend all of his time partying with his friends, but now that I'm pregnant, he...
- Butt-head: [mockingly] "Nathan used to spend all his time partying with his friends. Now than I'm pregnant..."
- Megan: It's not gonna be easy to take care of the baby, with a controller in your hand.
- Butt-head: This chick is a horrible actor.
- Beavis: Yeah, really.
- Nathan: [playing Xbox] I got nothing better to do.
- Megan: That's what you said, like, two weeks ago.
- Butt-head: Uhh, wait a minute. I think this is real!
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah! So she's not a bad actor then! Just a bad person.
- Megan: I was hoping Nathan would step it up, but over the next few days, instead of looking for a job, Nathan chose to hang with his friends, and play video games. I don't even know where his head is at anymore.
- Butt-head: [shot of Nathan looking out a window] See? He's looking for a job!
- Beavis: Gotta be one out there somewhere…
- Butt-head: This would be a better show if they like, showed them actually getting pregnant.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah.
- Butt-head: Yeah, it would be called "I'm 16, and Tonight I'm Gonna Get Pregnant."
Aubrey
[edit]- Aubrey: I'm not going, you know, to be just like a typical housewife that just sits at home.
- Brandon: Well you're better at cooking, you're more efficient at cleaning...
- Butt-head: Uh, you're efficient at sex, and bad at birth control.
- [a shot of Brandon at a prospecting shop]
- Shopkeeper: [holding a prospecting kit] This is a complete kit with everything you need to get start prospecting. This will make you money.
- Butt-head: This guy's like, "Uhh, you mean the box?"
- Beavis: [southern accent] "You open the box, don't chew on it."
- Shopkeeper: It's a profitable venture.
- Butt-head: "Now that'll be $9154 please."
- Shopkeeper: Good luck to you.
- Brandon: Thank you!
- Butt-head: What a dumbass.
- Manager: How would you handle, like if a customer got upset? [forms a phone with her fingers] I'm calling you right now, ring ring...
- Butt-head: Uh, she's comedians always do with their hands when they're on the phone.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. Oh God...
- Butt-head: First of all, please put the phone by your ear so you can hear it.
- Manager: "Hi. I just got my pizza, it was supposed to be sausage, and it's pepperoni."
- Aubrey: Okay, um... [long pause]
- Butt-head: "Uhh, I can't talk right now. My stupid manager's right here."
- [as a group of teens show off their luxurious house]
- Butt-head: Uhhh, is this 16 and Pregnant?
- Beavis: Or maybe, 13 and Pregnant? I don't know.
- Butt-head: They're doing pretty good. Usually on that show, everyone's all poor, and they live with their grandmas, and their mouths are hanging open.
- Beavis: Yeah really. And they're like living off MY tax dollars! Know what I'm saying? It's not right.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, you don't have any tax dollars.
- Beavis: Oh yeah.
- Russ: One of the worries about building such a big house was that we'd lose our kids.
- Butt-head: When this guy talks, it's like his teeth never come apart. [imitating Russ] "One of our biggest fears in the house is losing our kids..."
- Russ: It's more an experiment...
- Beavis: [imitating Russ] It's really just an experiment, we had this crazy idea..."
- Butt-head: Maybe he's like one of those ventriloquists.
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, they need to show the doll then.
- Butt-head: He's got his hand up his wife's butt. [imitating Russ] "I had to buy a waterfall, and a wood slide, I worked my whole damn life to pay for all this crap..."
- Beavis: [imitating Russ] " And my wife makes me build all this stuff, and I'm miserable here..."
- [as Farrah meets with a plastic surgeon, who begins taking photos of her bare chest]
- Butt-head: Great. He has a mustache.
- Beavis: "Okay now, just go ahead and arch your back a little bit there, yeah!"
- Butt-head: "Let me just go ahead and take these home and load them into my computer."
- Beavis: "Yeah, and notify all the guys."
- Farrah: I just got my loan for the breast augmentation…
- Butt-head: I-just-got-my-loan-for-the-breast-augmentation-
- Beavis: [spits soda in surprise] You can get a loan for big boobs?!
- Butt-head: Uh…wow!
- Beavis: I'm gonna take out a loan, to get a bigger schlong!
- Sherry: [showing Farrah waivers] This is where you sign your life away.
- Butt-head: Okay-where-do-I-sign? Breast-augmentation!
- Michael (Farrah's father): [after her breast augmentation] Looking good.
- Butt-head: Did her dad just say "Looking good"?
- Beavis: "Nice boobs, honey!"
I'm Addicted to Porn
[edit]- Butt-head: Uh, Addicted to Porn? Cool!
- Beavis: Yeah!
- Brandon: Porn allows me to enjoy women without having to deal with their real life drama. [smokes a cigar] It's one of my favorite things to do is smoke cigars while I watch porno. Make- keep it luxurious.
- Butt-head: This guy kicks ass!
- Butt-head: What to do...
- Beavis: Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn, porn...
- Butt-head: Porn, porn, porn... [Brandon adjusts his glasses] Glasses, porn, porn, porn, porn...
- Butt-head: He's like, watched so much porn, he's starting to look like a schlong.
I Have a Paranormal Ability
[edit]- Butt-head: Toot's... Squatch...
- Butt-head: [as Sammie Jo and Squatch have a meal together] She's like, "I knew you were going to order chicken wings, and I predict I'm going to eat the rest of them."
- Beavis: "And I also predict that those curly fries are just going to get cold. I will have those now, too."
- Butt-head: Yeah. "The spirits want you to hand 'em over. And I also predict that you're broke, and that I'm gonna pay for this meal."
- Squatch: Well, when I was really, really quiet, I was praying last night. Do I need to get the hell away because she is the devil, or is she working for the Lord?
- Sammie Jo …and what did Jesus say?
- Butt-head: Jesus said she could do better.
I'm Living Off the Grid
[edit]- [an elderly bearded man is shown]
- Beavis: Is that Gandalf?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, I think so.
- Beavis: I didn't know they had homeless people in Middle-Earth.
- Tamarack: First of all, make sure we are gathering respectfully. [holding clam shells] This clam here is an elder. These are the clams that ought to be respected, because they've lived a long time. They have their genetic heritage to pass on to the young.
- Butt-head: Boy, this guy has more rules than the army. A dirty, stinky, itchy, smelly army.
- Beavis: And beardy. You know, it's a bunch of disgusting homeless people.
- [shot of Tamarack without his shirt on]
- Butt-head: Whoa! When did his shirt come off?
- Tamarack: [to a follower] Sit and connect?
- Butt-head: Gandalf is ready to connect.
- Tamarack: What are you feeling?
- Follower: Right now, a lot of shame. I just went for a walk. I took a can of pop.
- Tamarack: With the experience with the clams, I don't think any differently of you because of it.
- Follower: It was the clams that made it hurt.
- Tamarack: Can you pull up your inner resilience?
- Butt-head: Yeah. "And then you can pull my inner resilience."
- Beavis: "Is anyone looking?"
- Butt-head: Gandalf will show you some shame, now back to your tent and take off your clothes!
I Have a Fetish
[edit]- Andrew: My name is Andrew, I'm 27 years old, and I have a foot fetish.
- Beavis: Foot fetish? What is that?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think that's like where chick's feet give you a boner.
- Beavis: I mean, just from looking at them?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, yeah. And I think sometimes, they like, touch them, and like queer off with their feet?
- Beavis: Whoa really? What if kids see this?
- Butt-head: [as Andrew ends a video call] Oh good, she's gone. Now back to FootTube.
- [as Andrew meets Leslie at the airport]
- Butt-head: This guy's like, "Hey, what do you say we go over to airport security and watch people take their shoes off?"
- Beavis: Yeah, he should get a job there.
- Butt-head: Then he could get paid to have a boner all day long.
I Have Embarrassing Parents 2
[edit]- [as Niki's mom, Kinley, tries on a skanky outfit]
- Butt-head: Whoa! This chick's mom might be a bigger slut than your mom, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, maybe so, yeah.
- Butt-head: Uh, I think she might be a better slut, too. She has better fake boobs, and that's not saying much.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, that's enough.
- Kinley: God gave me this body, it's like...
- Beavis: God gave her that body?
- Butt-head: Yeah. God's like, "Don't drag me into this."
- Kinley: She's got my glitter. My glitter!
- Niki: I don't have anything!
- Kinley: My glitter, you- my little thing of glitter?
- Niki: No, I don't have anything.
- Kinley: Niki, you've had it before!
- Niki: Mom! I don't...
- Butt-head: "You better hand over that glitter! I had sex with a clown to get that glitter!"
- Beavis: Yeah yeah. "And the hat too!"
- [as Kinley dances in her living room with a bunch of teens]
- Butt-head: Uh, is this the Playboy party she was talking about?
- Beavis: Yeah, I thought um, I thought the Playboy Mansion was like, a little nicer, and had a pool and stuff.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I thought there'd be more chicks, though. This is like, just a bunch of kids and one old slut.
- Niki: Mom!
- Kinley: What?
- Niki: I'll flip you off right now.
- Niki's Grandmother: Don't you dare, not while I'm here. Not while I'm here...
- Butt-head: "Now you just stay in your room while your mom goes downstairs and does it with all your friends."
- Butt-head: This is the one girl that really deserves to be emo.
I Don't Like My Small Breasts
[edit]- Christina: I'm tired of being known as the Go-Go Dancer with no boobs.
- Butt-head: Uh, the go-go dancer with no boobs? That's not a very catchy nickname.
- Christina: ...and then you get home, it's like, you're not important anymore.
- Scott: That's bullshit!
- Christina: Well, to you I'm important...
- Butt-head: Yeah. "I'm not talking to you, dumbass, I'm talking to these cool people from MTV."
- Beavis: Yeah. "Get back to your computer under the stairs and shut up!"
- Christina: I know you do, that's why I'm with you!
- Butt-head: She's like, "I know you do, 'cause you're a loser."
- Beavis: "Yeah, I wanna get big boobs, then I'll be important to cool guys! With like, lots of money, and full beards, and cars, and they're not like, under the stairs..."
- Butt-head: He's like, "I don't mind the big boobs so much as all the other guys doing you while I pretend to sleep."
Youtube/TikTok Videos
[edit]- Alpha M: So before we get started, I would just like to give you an alpha m knuckle bump for being so damn incredible! No disputing the fact that you're incredible and can accomplish great, amazing things. But the only way you're gonna be able to truly...
- Old Beavis: Huh...
- Old Butt-head: Uhhh... uhhhhhh...
- Alpha M: Commit yourself for the next 30 days to the alpha m...
- Old Beavis: You think this guy knows what he's talking about, Butt-head?
- Old Butt-head: Uh, you can tell he's an expert 'cause he like, talks into a camera, and he's all loud, and he makes lists.
- Old Beavis: Yeah, yeah. Maybe he knows what he's talking about, yeah.
- Alpha M: ...six things that you need to pay attention...
- Old Butt-head: [leaves for the refrigerator] Uh, I know six things I'd like to pay attention to right about now. [gets a six pack of beer from the fridge]
- Alpha M: In my opinion, to truly reach alpha status, you need to be spiritual. Now, whatever that means to you, it means to you. Whether or not you believe in Jesus, Krishna, Buddha, it doesn't matter to me.
- Old Beavis: Are those all the chicks he's scored with?
- Old Butt-head: Uh, yeah, they all sound like strippers.
- Old Beavis: Yeah. I wanna get a lap dance from Krishna. Ooh.
- Alpha M: In 30 days, I want you to write down something you are grateful for...
- Old Beavis: How many years is 30 days?
- Old Butt-head: Uh, I don't know, but the landlord said to vacate in 30 days, and that was about two years ago, and we're still here.
- Old Beavis: Yeah, 30 days is a long time.
- Alpha M: Now if you're somebody who's already like exercising, I'd like to give you a knuckle bump...
- Old Butt-head: Oh yeah, gotta exercise. Time for my 12-ounce curls. [sips his beer] Ahh, feel the burn.
- Old Beavis: [holding two beers] Butt-head, spot me. [sips his beers] Mmm, yeah. Never skip arms day, you know what I'm saying?
- Alpha M: The sixth pillar of the alpha 30 day...
- Old Beavis: What's alpha again? Is it like, something with the alphabet or something?
- Old Butt-head: Uh, no. Alpha is like the gorilla that gets to score with all the other gorillas.
- Old Beavis: Whoa! So he scores with a lot of gorillas?
- Old Butt-head: Uh, I guess so.
- Old Beavis: He just like goes down to the zoo, and just like, does them all?
- Old Butt-head: Uh, yeah. He's an alpha. And then the other gorillas try to stop him, but he just beats them up.
- Old Beavis: Oh yeah yeah. Yeah, he spanks his monkey, see?
- Old Butt-head: Gorillas aren't monkeys, Beavis. They're apes. So that joke doesn't work. Try to be more careful next time.
- Alpha M: ...if this means you've got to make up with some people, or deal with some things that you've been, like, harboring and hanging onto, gentlemen it is worth it.
- Old Butt-head: Uh, Beavis, there's something I've been meaning to get off my chest for a long time, and I just didn't have the courage to say it, but here goes. Beavis, you're the biggest dumbass in the world. Ah. Felt good to get that out.
- Old Beavis: Yeah, okay. Up yours. Yeah. I'm glad we connected. [sips beer] Ahh.
- Old Butt-head: Me too. Now let's have another beer and watch this guy bone a gorilla.
- Old Beavis: Say it, sister! Yeah! [they sip their beers] Amen.
- Alyssa: [approaching a piglett] Good morning, Wilbur!
- Butt-head: That thing sounds like you, Beavis. [imitating the pig snorts]
- Beavis: No it doesn't. What is that thing, anyway? Is that like, a dog?
- Butt-head: No, he's the star of that movie where there's like a really annoying spider that has a web and it keeps making words to save a dog. It's stupid.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah.
- Butt-head: Remember when we had that substitute, and he was all like, drunk, and then he put that movie on and just fell asleep at his desk all day?
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah. He was like "Oh, this is educational. Blegh..."
- Butt-head: It was a tear-jerker.
- Beavis: Jerker...
- Beavis: Is this like a prison for animals or something?
- Butt-head: Yeah. Your sentence is having to listen to this lady for the rest of your life.
- Badlands: Epic chug alert folks, I'm about to chug all the Mountain Dews you see here. All that I can find...
- Butt-head: Whoa! Finally someone's gonna put all seven colors of Mountain Dew into one glass and drink it. I've been asking for this for years.
- Beavis: Finally, someone has the guts to do it, you know?
- Beavis: Is he really gonna drink all of them together? I mean Maui Birst, Live Wire, Spark, Code Red, original, Frost Bite, Voltage, and Violet, which they only have in Japan?
- Badlands: ...the super rare, Mountain Dew Violet...
- Beavis: Whoa!
- Butt-head: My favorite flavor is red.
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah, red kicks ass. You know, like red sno-cones, and Slurpees, and cherry blast. You know?
- Butt-head: I had a real cherry once, and they try to trick you because a cherry's red, so you'll think it tastes like red, but it doesn't. It's horrible. Cherries suck.
- Beavis: Yeah, cherries don't taste red at all. They taste all barfy.
- Butt-head: And then someone told me it was a fruit, and that pissed me off even more. The only cool thing George Washington ever did was kill a cherry tree. And then he lied about it. [cackles]
- Badlands: 3, 2, 1...
- Butt-head: At last, the moment has arrived. The dream has become reality.
- [Badlands begins chugging]
- Beavis: Okay, okay, yeah yeah Here he goes! Yeah, yeah, here we go!
- Butt-head: Ooh, yes! That's right!
- Beavis: Yeah, there you go! There you go, yeah, yeah!
- Both: Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [both begin headbanging] Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! Chug! [they begin getting tired and out of sync] Chug... chug... chug...
- Beavis: Yeah, chug... Chug that thing...
- Butt-head: Chug... Uhhh...
- [Badlands is still chugging]
- Beavis: Oh boy, okay yeah.
- Butt-head: I guess it takes a while.
- Beavis: Well, you know it is a lot of Mountain Dew. You know, I mean...
- Butt-head: Yeah... I mean, it's pretty cool, I just thought it would be a little faster, you know.
- Beavis: Well, you know, it was good for a while there, you know? My neck kind of hurts from headbanging. Eh, let's watch something else- oh wait, look! Wait, he's almost done! Yeah, yeah!
- Butt-head: Yes!
- Beavis: Yeah, there it is! Yeah, go!
- Butt-head: A little more, there you go! There it is! [Badlands finishes chugging] Ahh... That was amazing.
- Beavis: You know, Butt-head, you can't teach that, you know? That's just like, pure, raw talent right there. I mean this guys should be the president or something.
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe he is.
- Beavis: Yeah, I mean, how would we know? The only thing about this guy, if he's the president, he wouldn't just drain the swamp, he would chug it!
- Butt-head: The swamp kicks ass.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, the swamp!
- Jon: Hey guys, we're here, and today, we got some new items to the studio, and I'm super, super excited about it...
- Butt-head: Uhhh, oh this is that video where he unboxes real human skulls.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's messed up.
- Butt-head: If you're unboxing real human skulls, you shouldn't start out with, "Hey guys, I'm super excited."
- Beavis: Yeah really. You start out like, "Nyah-ha-ha-ha!" Like that Crypt Keeper dude, you know? Like how he's always making puns, you know? "Welcome, boils and ghouls!" [cackles]
- Butt-head: "If you are watching, you might just get a head." [evil cackling]
- Beavis: "Oh, what have we here? This is to remind you to stay in skull." Wait a minute... wait, where do they get these skulls?
- Butt-head: Uh, from dead people.
- Beavis: Wait a minute, so he's like a serial killer or something?
- Butt-head: Yeah. "Breaking news. Police have just arrested a man known as the dumbass-who-shows-off-his-skulls-on-Youtube killer. Neighbors said 'he seems like a serial killer, and he's got a bunch of skulls in his apartment.'"
- Beavis: "Neighbors said he would show off his skulls and say 'Meet my new tomb-mate. Nya-ha-ha-ha-ha!'"
- Butt-head: Yeah. "Would you like to come into my apartment and take a whiz in the bath-tomb?"
- Beavis: He's like, "Nya-ha-ha-ha! These skulls give me a bone-r." [cackles] You know, yeah, 'cause the bone is like, you know, skull is like a bone.
- Butt-head: Uh, yes. I get it, Beavis. Don't run it into the ground. [evil cackle]
- Beavis: But I'm getting grave reviews! Nya-ha-ha-ha!
- Butt-head: I'm going to kick your ass. Now shut up.
- Beavis: Oh yeah- wait a second. I don't get that one.
- Butt-head: That guy, who the skull belonged to is like, "You know, I lived a good life, I raised a family, and now this dumbass is playing with my skull on Youtube."
- Beavis: This is really messed up, Butt-head. Think maybe we should call the police?
- Butt-head: Uh, nah. It's not my problem.
- Beavis: Oh yeah. It's not my skull.
- Jon: ...hope you guys enjoy it. Ciao!
- Butt-head: "Ciao! I'm gonna go chow down on some human flesh!"
- Coyote Peterson: Today we are visiting the reptile discovery center located in DeLand, Florida. This location is also a medtoxin venom laboratory. [shakes hands with a handler] Good morning, Carl!
- Carl: Coyote, how are you doing? Thank you for coming!
- Beavis: Oh God, his name is Coyote?
- Butt-head: Coyote is like, Native American for "lives in his car."
- [as a handler puts a rattlesnake in a tub drawer]
- Butt-head: "We are returning these snakes to their natural habitat, a plastic box from the container store."
- Beavis: "No no no, the snakes really like it in there. They do, yeah."
- [as the handler brings out a large eastern diamondback rattlesnake]
- Coyote Peterson: Wow, that is a big eastern diamondback! I think I just went to the bathroom in my pants a little bit! Holy...
- Beavis: There's a bathroom in his pants?
- Butt-head: He went to the bathroom in his pants more than a little bit.
- Beavis: Whoa! Yeah, the whole top part of his pants is soaked! I guess it's good to have a bathroom in your pants if you live in your car, you know?
- Butt-head: This guy must score so hard.
- Beavis: I want this job, right here! Do you think you need like good grades to be a sword chopper?
- Butt-head: Uhhh, I don't think so. He looks pretty stupid.
- Beavis: Stupid people kick ass!
- [as a young martial artist slices bamboo with the sword]
- Butt-head: Who's this doofus?
- Beavis: Yeah, really. I think that's like, that guy's son or something.
- Butt-head: He's a disgrace to the family.
- Beavis: "Well son, if you get fired from Subway, there's always a place for you here, slicing cow heads. Don't worry about it."
- Butt-head: This is the coolest video I have ever seen in my entire life.
- Beavis: Yeah yeah! They should put a thing at the beginning that says "Definitely try this at home."
- Butt-head: "And do not ask your parents' permission."
- Beavis: 'Cause it kicks ass! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Well, somebody's homeschooled.
- Beavis: He keeps doing that thing that Culey Mckulkin does, you know? In Home Alome? You know, with his fist?
- Butt-head: But in Home Alone, his parents wanted him back.
- Butt-head: "If the ball goes in the net, I'm not lonely." [Cree makes the trickshot] "Yes!"
- Butt-head: You know what these frisbees don't go in? A girl. The other dudes in the neighborhood are like, "Hey trickshot guy, we got a bunch of girls that wanna come over and swim in your pool." And then he's like, "What? No way! I have to hit a soccer ball with a whiffle bat and bounce it off a basketball hoop into a ledge. I can't do that with a bunch of chicks running around here in bikinis! Get out of here."
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, and then he fist pumps, yeah. Yeah! Got rid of those chicks, yeah!
- Butt-head: I bet he does a lot of fist pumping, if you know what I mean.
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah, I got a little trickshot where I make it hit the ceiling.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, that's disgusting, Beavis.
- Beavis: Took me all summer to master it, too.
- Dee: How to make tattoo ink in prison: a soda can, some toilet tissue, some hair grease, and a saltine crackers box. Fold the tissue up...
- Beavis: Whoa, this guy is definitely a criminal. What accent is this?
- Butt-head: It's like, a prison accent.
- Beavis: I wanna talk like that. [imitating a southern accent] Got some toilet tissue, saltine cracker box. Tear off three sheets of toilet tissue.
- Dee: Twist it up very tight...
- Butt-head: [imitating a southern accent] Twist it up real tight.
- Dee: Light your candle and set your box over top of it to collect all the soot.
- Beavis: Set your box over top of it.
- Dee: Set the box on two pencils...
- Butt-head: Set it on two pencils so it can breathe.
- Dee: After about an hour, you can see all the soot...
- Beavis After about an hour, you can see all the soot that's caught inside the box. [talking normally] This like, makes me want to go to jail.
- Dee: Add a tiny bit of hand sanitizer or body wash.
- Beavis: What did this guy do to get in prison, I wonder?
- Butt-head: He didn't have to do anything. They just let him right in.
- Beavis: Yeah, they just looked at him and were like, "Sir, I can tell by looking at you that you're gonna be in jail eventually, so let's just get this over with."
- Beavis: This is like a pretty nice prison he's in here, you know?
- Butt-head: No, he's back at his mom's.
- Beavis: Yeah, his mom's gonna be like, "Damn it! Did you take my saltine cracker box and use it for your tattoo again?!"
- Butt-head: "Damn it, boy! You ain't never gonna eat chicken in this house again, you don't give me back my saltine cracker box!"
- Beavis: "What am I gonna do if I have to kill your daddy, and have to tattoo a teardrop next to my eye?! How am I gonna do that without soot?!"
Diving with Bull Sharks
[edit]- [as a video plays of free divers feeding bull sharks]
- Beavis: Oh, cool yeah! Shark Week kicks ass!
- Butt-head: It sure does.
- Beavis: You know what I always wondered? Where is the shark's butt, you know? You just don't see anything back there, you know?
- Butt-head: Well I'm glad you asked, Beavis. The bull shark doesn't have a butt, it has an anus which is located in the sub-schlongal region. Just near the testicular mesipheries.
- Beavis: Oh wow. Wow, that's intseresting, Butt-head. How do you know so much about sharks?
- Butt-head: Uh, sometimes when I'm watching Shark Week, I like, pay attention and stuff. Like did you know at one time, 75% of the Earth's surface was covered with sharks?
- Beavis: Whoa, really? Yeah, I don't know, that seems like a lot, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: It's true, Beavis. And if they ever stop swimming, they score.
- Beavis: Really? I mean, why do they swim at all?
- Butt-head: It is a mystery, Beavis. We don't know. Also, a shark can go like six months without water.
- Beavis: That's amazing! You know what I don't understand, is um, they always have like, those little fish that are like following them around, you know? Like right on their wings or whatever.
- Butt-head: Their scientific name is the Beavis Fish, also known as the wuss fish. Much like the land Beavis, it follows around someone much cooler than itself.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
- Butt-head: This fish has another thing in common with you, Beavis. The Beavis Fish's mom is known as the notorious Slut Fish.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head, come on.
- Butt-head: It has done it with whales, octopuses, penguins, drowning dudes, the bottom of a boat, you name it. If it swims, she'll do it.
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head. That's enough.
- Butt-head: Uhh, okay, just one more.
- Beavis: No, Butt-head, come on.
- Butt-head: You're gonna thank me, Beavis. It's a good one.
- Beavis: Okay okay okay, one more, and that's all.
- Butt-head: She turned the coral reef into the oral reef.
- [they both cackle]
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, I guess you were right, Butt-head. Oral Reef. [cackles]
- [as Greg Doucette stands in a kitchen wearing nothing but an apron]
- Butt-head: This guys applied for a chef job, but they said "Uh, I'm sorry, sir, you're gonna need to put on a shirt." And he was like, "No can do."
- Greg Doucette: ... Yeah, 'cause you're a frickin' moron!
- Beavis: "No can do! All I ever wear is this striped apron!"
- [as a shaved cat is seen in the background in a harness]
- Beavis: How come he has a cat with a jock strap running around?
- Butt-head: Uh, I think that cat's like, a stripper.
- Beavis: "I made the cats wear jock straps, because a cat's schlong is half the calories of a dog's schlong! Now which one would you rather eat, you frickin' morons?! Barely legal cat strippers all up in this kitchen! Oh Jesus Christ! It's like a cat Chippendales in here, look at all these stripper cats! Ohh! You know, it's not just the cats that wear jock straps in this kitchen, you frickin' moron!"
- Butt-head: Uh, okay, Beavis...
- Greg Doucette: ...right, Baby Dicky?
- Beavis: Wait a minute... he named his cat "Baby Dicky?"
- Butt-head: Uhhh.... yeah. You know, I was gonna make a joke about it, but when you name your cat Baby Dicky, it's just like too easy or something.
- Beavis: Yeah, that's what they call low hanging fruit, you know?
- Butt-head: Low hanging. [cackles]
- Butt-head: He like, "Bad news, Baby Dicky. You're also 200 calories."
- Beavis: You know, the cat's over there by the microwave. "Just gonna open it up and put him on in there." I'm actually kinda worried that he is gonna put the cat in the microwave, you know.
- Butt-head: Uh, why? You care about cats all of a sudden?
- Beavis: Well, no, it's just that- just because if he does, you know, he's gonna turn around, and then we'll have to see his naked butt.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, oh yeah.
- Beavis: "This buttcheek is 200 calories! And THIS buttcheek is 200 calories! You frickin' moron!!!"
- Butt-head: [as Drain Medic forces a camera down a pipe] That reminds me. I heard like, when you get older, the doctor has one of these, and he sticks the camera up your butt every five years. It's mandatory.
- Beavis: Whoa, really? Why do they do that?
- Butt-head: They say it's like, to check for scallops or something, but they really just do it 'cause it's funny. [they both cackle]
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, it is, yeah. You think this chick does that?
- Butt-head: Probably.
- Beavis: Yeah, it's pretty cool actually, you know, 'cause then afterwards you could say, "Hey baby, I see you put a camera inside my butt."
- Butt-head: Yeah. "Did you like what you see? The inside of my butt is just the beginning."
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, because people are more beautiful on the inside. That's what counts.
- Shane: What's going on guys? Shane here...
- Beavis: Oh yeah, I've seen these guys before, yeah yeah. It's Shane and Ant.
- Shane: ... but I first wanna remind you guys that violence is not cool. Fighting should only...
- Beavis: Wait a minute. Violence is not cool?! Who told them that? No, they got that wrong, Butt-head, violence is cool. Especially when it's unprovoked!
- Butt-head: I think there's a law where like, you have to say violence isn't cool, and then once you do, it's like totally okay to do violence.
- Beavis: Oh yeah yeah yeah. Yeah, that figures. Thanks again, fat cats.
- Butt-head: I think Ant's mom is like, going out with Shane's dad, and she was like, "You know, Ant, Jim's son also makes YouTube videos. Maybe you guys can go to the park and make one together."
- Beavis: And then Ant was like, "Ugh, do I really have to hang out with him?" And then she's like, "Now look, Ant. I love his father very much. I know you don't like him, but just give it a chance. Come on, I need this to work! This is my last chance!"
- Butt-head: "Ant, I know I told you it wasn't your fault I divorced, but it was. So don't screw this one up."
- Beavis: "You owe me, Ant! You were an accident anyway!"
- Butt-head: "Mom, do I have to call Shane's father, dad?"
- Beavis: "You call him whatever he wants! You call him your lord and master if he asks for it, 'cause I'll tell you what I call him. I call him all I've got left! Yeah, my mom always told me it's just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as a poor man! Except when you have a son like Ant screwing it up for you! Now come on!!! Now just go down to the park and let that twerp punch you in the throat! Just do it!!! I can take care of the rest!"
- Butt-head: Uh, settle down, Beavis.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah. Got a little carried away.
- Jerry Ghionis: It's important that, whoever you're photographing, to understand that posing is actually gonna bring out...
- Beavis: So who is this guy? What's he doing?
- Butt-head: Uh, well he says he's a photographer, but I don't see a camera.
- Jerry Ghionis: So you have the guy in front of you and you think, "Where on Earth do I start?"
- Butt-head: Yeah. "Where on Earth do I start? His whole body is a feast."
- Beavis: "I mean, do I have sex with him? Do I murder him? I mean- or how about both? I mean, why choose? You know?"
- Jerry Ghionis: Now, body language will suggest that he's feeling uncomfortable.
- Butt-head: "He's probably uncomfortable because he just saw me lock all the doors."
- Jerry Ghionis: ...actual posing, and getting people to mirror you is the easiest way for someone to understand posing...
- Butt-head: "For example, right now, I'm posing as a photographer."
- Jerry Ghionis: [to his model, Jacob] We've only met once before. We have...
- Beavis: "Now, we've only met once before. It was at a bus station, but I've met a lot of men like you."
- Butt-head: "Young, good looking, just ran away from home, didn't tell anyone his whereabouts..."
- Beavis: "Just ripening into manhood."
- Jerry Ghionis: Now, here's the before and after. By the way, this is Jacob, I call him a Disney prince.
- Butt-head: "See mom? He calls me his Disney prince. He wouldn't do that if he was a pervert."
- Jerry Ghionis: [undoes Jacob's coat] Maybe undo that...
- Beavis: "Maybe undo that, maybe undo your belt and drop your pants..."
- Butt-head: "Again, I'm not doing anything, you're doing this of your own free will."
- Beavis: "You know, just for kicks, let's have you take off your clothes. Yeah."
- Butt-head: "Yeah, let's get all crazy! Oh you know what would make a cool photo? If you were tied up in my trunk."
- Beavis: "You know, let's just try it. You know, if it doesn't work, it doesn't work. But I think it's gonna work, yeah."
- Beavis: "Yeah, my next video is gonna be how to pose a dead body. You start out by posing as a photographer, see."
- Butt-head: Uh, didn't you go to a photographer's house once to take pictures?
- Beavis: Yeah. Yeah, he didn't have a camera either.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, okay. Where'd you meet him?
- Beavis: It was just on the highway, you know. I was just, you know, walking along, and he pulled over.
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis...
- Beavis: I helped him bury this like, big roll of carpet he had wrapped in a blanket, and, uh, he said I deserved a reward, you know, so um, I went back to his place, you know. Then it gets a little blurry from there. But then when I left, he did ask me to forgive him. I do remember that, yeah. Yeah, good guy. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, cool.
- Gibi: [whispering] Hello everybody. It's... [clicks] Gibi. Welcome back to my channel. [Beavis and Butt-head look at each other in confusion] I'm gonna start with...
- Beavis: What is this, Butt-head?
- Butt-head: [whispering] It's called ASMR.
- Beavis: You know, this is- uh... this is actually kinda relaxing.
- Butt-head: [whispering] You need to speak more quietly, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah, sorry. [whispering] This is kind of relaxing, Butt-head. You know what I mean?
- Butt-head: [whispering] Yes, I do. It's putting me to sleep.
- Gibi: [still whispering] This is a baby pink...
- Beavis: [whispering] I kinda like talking like this, Butt-head.
- Butt-head: [whispering] I think I'm gonna talk like this for the rest of my life. Oh, yeah yeah... I bet chicks like it too.
- Gibi: [moving the lid of a marker box slowly; whispering] Not fully, like, color organized or anything...
- Beavis: [whispering] Butt-head, listen. Watching this video is kind of giving me wood.
- Butt-head: [whispering] Uh, I don't need to hear about that, Beavis.
- Beavis: [whispering] Butt-head, I think I might have to spank my monkey.
- Butt-head: [whispering] Beavis, I am going to kick the living bejesus out of you if you try to spank your monkey.
- Beavis: [whispering] I have to, Butt-head. It's the ASMR. I can't do anything about it.
- Butt-head: [whispering] Beavis, I don't want to hear about your boner, so shut up. I'm trying to watch this ASMR. Do not spank your monkey.
- [Gibi starts softly clicking magic markers]
- Beavis: [whispering] Butt-head, I think those magic markers are giving me a boner.
- Butt-head: [whispering] Damn it, Beavis, I'm gonna change the channel if you don't stop talking about your boners! [slowly slaps Beavis]
- Beavis: [whispering] Oh, um, Butt-head, that um... that smack kinda made my scalp tingle. Can you smack me again like that, just really gently?
- Butt-head: [whispering] Uh, no Beavis.
- Beavis: [talking normally] What'd you say, Butt-head? [gets slapped] Ahh!
- Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, you ruined everything.
- Beavis: Oh yeah, sorry.
- Butt-head: I think the cow like, donated its eyeballs to science.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah.
- Butt-head: You can do that. Like on your driver's license? You can be an organ donor.
- Beavis: You know, if someone like, donates thair schlong to science, I could like, become a scientist, and then like, get two schlongs! And then I could, like, be scoring with a chick, and spanking my monkey at the same time! Yeah! Yeah!
- Butt-head: Uh, Beavis? Why would you be spanking your monkey if you're already scoring with a chick?
- Beavis: 'Cause if I'm scoring with a chick, I think my other schlong would have a boner too, you know what I'm saying?
- Butt-head: Uh, why not just score with two chicks?
- Beavis: Ooh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that. Yeah, that would be good. I mean, I'd need a third schlong, you know, but then I could be scoring with two chicks and spanking my monkey. Yeah, that's a good idea!
- Butt-head: Uh, Beavis why do you always need an extra schlong to be spanking your monkey with?
- Beavis: To spank my monkey!
- Butt-head: So if you had two schlongs, and you were scoring with two chicks at the same time, that wouldn't be good enough? You still think you'd need an extra schlong?
- Beavis: Well I mean, you gotta have at least one to spank your monkey with, and that's exactly what I have.
- Butt-head: Uh, you're a weirdo, Beavis.
- Beavis: Yeah but anyway, you know, if somebody starts donating schlongs, somebody better be donating some more hands to science too, you know what I mean? 'Cause then I could have like, four schlongs, and like, eight hands. Yeah, that would be cool. I'd be Dr. Spankenstein, the Spanktopus.
- Butt-head: Uhh, don't you mean four schlongs and four hands?
- Beavis: No, no. I think we must like, spank our monkeys differently, Butt-head. Different paths up the same mountain. Different strokes for different strokes.
- Kent: You've seen it before, but not on this scale. I thought we all needed cheering up, myself included, so I know how you love a little bit of rock cooking. I thought I'd go OTT with it.
- Beavis: You know, Butt-head, sometimes I worry that I'll never score, you know, but um, but this guy will never score.
- Butt-head: Yeah. I don't see how he could.
- Beavis: Is this the outback or something?
- Butt-head: He's in the outback, 'cause his wife kicked him out, and now he's living out back behind his mom's house.
- Beavis: "Mom, can I play breakfast in the backyard again?" [they both cackle]
- Butt-head: This guy's survival skill is if, like, if he runs out of food, he just goes to his mom's house and gets a bunch of stuff out of the fridge.
- Beavis: And then he just goes into the backyard, and cooks it all. On one of those tiles from the roof, yeah.
- Butt-head: Why didn't he just, like, get some Froot Loops or something? This breakfast is a cry for help.
- Butt-head: [as Kent cooks a large breakfast] He's like, "I'm cooking for two in case Jennifer comes back. Has anyone seen her? No? Well, that means more for me."
- Beavis: "This is turning out to be a great day without Jennifer, and many more to come, yeah." [Kent starts making orange juice] "Yeah, my ex-wife likes oranges, so I guess I'll make her some orange juice."
- Butt-head: "And I'll make it here in her sawed-off leg bone."
- Kent: That was lovely...
- Butt-head: "Yup, all good things must come to an end, like this filthy breakfast, and my marriage of 14 months."
- Beavis: Come on, Butt-head. This is getting too sad.
- Butt-head: Yeah. [as Kent puts on his backpack] "And now I've filled this backpack with rocks and I'm just gonna go walk into the ocean."
- Beavis: Yeah. "In the next episode, you'll be seeing an outback funeral."
- Butt-head: "Let me know if she's there. She'll probably cry, and then she'll regret running off with her college roommate."
- Beavis: She'll be like "You know, if I hadn't left him, he'd still alive, and cooking me a filthy breakfast on a rock."
- Butt-head: "And don't forget, if you like this video, can you please go find my wife?"
- Beavis: "Just smash that find my wife button."
- Heidi: Okay, I'm gonna show you how to do this, barefoot. The secret is all in your meat...
- Butt-head: Uh, oh this is that video where they show you how to shake that ass.
- Beavis: Cool! Yeah! You know, I've always wanted to learn how to shake that ass. Yeah, it's like on my bucket list. I wanna shake my ass in a bucket.
- Heidi: I don't care how much meat you have. If you've got big meat...
- Butt-head: [cackling] She said "big meat."
- Beavis: [trying to pay attention to the video] Shut up, Butt-head! Okay...
- Heidi: ...if you've got little meat...
- Butt-head: She said "little meat."
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! Come on!
- Heidi: You can go all on the ball of your foot...
- Butt-head: "Ball of your foot." [cackling]
- Beavis: Damn it, Butt-head! Okay, come on. Come on, get it all out of your system. Come on, she said "meat," she said "big meat," "small meat," she said "balls," okay, are you done?
- Butt-head: Uh, maybe.
- Butt-head: [as Beavis tries to shake his butt] You have no ass.
- Beavis: Damn it, Butt-head!
- Butt-head: You look like two legs shoved into a back.
Lizard Dinner
[edit]- [as the video starts of a woman eating salad with a large monitor lizard]
- Butt-head: Ew, look at that! That's disgusting! Who would do that? Who would eat a salad?
- Beavis: Yeah, I would never do that.
My NYC Apartment Tour
[edit]- Woman: [very welcoming] Hello! And welcome to my apartment!
- Old Beavis: [mockingly] "Hello! Well, thank you for letting me in! Ah-ah-ah!"
- Old Butt-head: [mockingly] "Oh, you want me to take my shoes off? Oooh!"
- Old Beavis: "Where do you keep the beer? Haah!"
- Old Butt-head: "This is so fun, oh!"
- Old Beavis: "Oh sorry I'm late, I was held up in traffic, ah!"
- Old Beavis: You know, I think our apartment's cooler than this.
- Old Butt-head: Yeah. I bet their previous owner didn't kill himself in it like ours did.
- Woman: We have a storage closet...
- Old Butt-head: She says everything like it's a question. "This is my apartment? And it sucks? And this tour sucks too?"
- Woman: ...the process of doing a baby makeover...
- Old Beavis: "Yeah, it does suck? But I'm gonna keep talking about it anyway?
- Old Butt-head: We should like, do a tour of our apartment.
- Old Beavis: Oh yeah, yeah, that's a good idea.
- Old Butt-head: "Now, this is the couch, and over there are some pizza boxes?"
- Old Beavis: "And over on the door, these are eviction notices?"
- Old Butt-head: "We got them from our landlord? He sucks?"
- Old Beavis: "Here's a conversation piece. A half-eaten bag of potato chips?"
- Old Butt-head: "On the floor are some beer bottles?"
- Old Beavis: "You can tell we really love beer?"
- Old Butt-head: "And over here is a rat in a glue trap?"
- Old Beavis: "And right behind that is a turd?"
- Old Butt-head: "The turd is from the rat? Before he died? Slowlyyy?"
- Curtis: We are going to be spending the entire night inside this haunted location...
- Butt-head: "We are going to be spending the entire night in this haunted location..." I guess no one told him there's no such thing as ghosts.
- Beavis: I don't know, Butt-head. I saw a ghost once in the middle of the night when I was a kid, and he told me that I didn't see him, and not to tell anyone, and then when I woke up, all my mom's pills were gone. They didn't just disappear on their own.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, okay Beavis.
- Woman: ...but what we do know is that Johnny Stutt died in here in a chair. We don't have the chair anymore, so he died in the living room here...
- Butt-head: [imitating Curtis] "So he died in the living room- was he spanking any type of an animal? Say a monkey perhaps?" This place is haunted with all the girls he'll never score with. She's like, "If you look in that mirror, and say 'I've never scored' three times, no chicks will appear."
- [as night falls and Curtis is filming the living area]
- Curtis: We're gonna leave the camera rolling here though, probably the camera I'm holding...
- Beavis: He's like, "Um, if there are any hot chicks in here, please make yourself known at this time. I left a kickball here for you in case you and your friends wanna have some fun."
- Butt-head: "It's my favorite sport!"
- Beavis: "The fridge is first base. You know, I've never made it to first base with a chick OR in kickball! Interesting fact, yeah."
- Butt-head: "I can catch the kickball pretty good if you kick it right to me."
- [as Curtis walks around with a spirit box, and they think they hear his name]
- Cameraman: Curtis!
- Curtis: Yeah, I think it did say my name right there...
- Butt-head: He's like, "You're wrong, Curtis. No woman will ever say your name."
- Curtis: [sitting in a room with his camera equipment] Can you appear somewhere for us?
- Butt-head: The ghost is like, Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts. The ghost of 'you're never gonna score' past, the ghost of 'you're never gonna score' present, and the ghost of 'you're never gonna score' yet to come. Only then will you understand the true meaning of 'you're never gonna score.'"
- [as their equipment picks up a crude figure near Curtis]
- Curtis: Whoa whoa whoa whoa! There is like a figure, and it's jumping on you!
- Butt-head: Whoa! The ghost is spanking his monkey!
- Beavis: I think he's just like pointing to his schlong. He's like, "Yeah, here it is. See that? I got your spirit swinging! Come on! Come on, you dorks! You don't have to have bones to have a boner! Look at this!"
- [text onscreen indicates that they are about to sleep alone]
- Butt-head: The time to sleep alone is every time for this dude.
- [the onscreen text tells them about an unexplained bang in the night]
- Butt-head: Uhhh... unexplained bang?
- Beavis: Yeah, I tell ya, if this guy bangs anything, it's definitely gonna be unexplained, you know what I'm saying? He's a dork, this guy.
- Jason: ... he just yelled that he got something cool, and... [Doug shows an old rusted dump truck toy] Ohh!
- Beavis: Wait a minute. The word "cool" means something good, right? Like um, like it's cool?
- Butt-head: Yeah. There's nothing cool about that.
- Beavis: I mean, I used to eat my toy Hot Wheels and Tonka trucks and poop 'em out all the time, but I didn't go show it off, and like make videos and stuff, you know? Come back when you have half a Lego pirate ship floating in the toilet, you know? Now that, I showed people. I did do that.
- Butt-head: Yeah. The teacher said you ruined third grade. [they cackle] And then he retired.
- Rafe: Before we set off on our journey, let's relax and get comfortable. You may notice your breath...
- Butt-head: [imitating Rafe] "You may notice your breath." Boy, this guy's a creepy perv.
- Rafe: You may notice your head and neck relaxing onto your pillow...
- Butt-head: [imitating Rafe] "You may notice yourself watching a horrible boring video that sucks." This reminds me of that pervy guy at the model train store that always takes you camping.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. He's not pervy.
- Butt-head: [imitating Rafe] "And you may not notice my hands even getting lower."
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head. He's just a little handsy. You know, he just likes to sniff hair, and rub shoulders and stuff like that, you know?
- Stargirl the Practical Witch: ...I'm not saying that you're poor, guys, okay? I'm not picking that up at all. But I'm hearing you, like, spend a lot of time in an RV camper...
- Old Butt-head: Uhhh, I have more psychic abilities than she does. Check this out, Beavis. Uh, okay. I'm sensing great pain.
- Old Beavis: No no, you're just gonna say you see a smack in my future and then you're gonna smack me. You've been doing this for 25 years. Come on.
- Old Butt-head: Uh, I knew you were gonna say that, Beavis, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
- Old Beavis: Yeah, yeah...
- Old Butt-head: Do not underestimate my powers. Now check this out. I'm sensing a... uh... do you have an uncle?
- Old Beavis: No.
- Old Butt-head: Or, I mean an aunt maybe?
- Old Beavis: No, no.
- Old Butt-head: Uhhhhh, a cousin?
- Old Beavis: No, I don't think so. I mean, my Uncle Bob had a kid, but I don't think that's-
- Old Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, you said you don't have an uncle.
- Old Beavis: I don't- I mean, except for Uncle Bob.
- Old Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis. Okay, very well. I'm sensing a couch. Is there a couch in your life?
- Old Beavis: No, no, I don't think I know of a couch.
- Old Butt-head: Damn it, Beavis, you're sitting on a couch.
- Old Beavis: No, no- [suddenly slapped by Butt-head] Ahhhhhh! Wait a minute, Butt-head, wait did you say you were gonna smack me?
- Old Butt-head: Yes, Beavis. I knew I was going to do that. It is as I have foreseen, for I am the great Butt-Headini.
- Old Beavis: I guess you are pretty good then.
- Man: Welcome to my micro-cabin...
- Old Butt-head: [imitating the man] "Welcome to my micro-cabin! It's where I keep my micro-penis!"
- [as the video features a trailer that is converted into a tiny home]
- Old Beavis: Wait a minute, that's his house? Oh boy...
- Old Butt-head: He's like, "I wanna feel like I'm living in my car, but not be able to actually go anywhere."
- Man: This mailbox is actually a kid's lunchbox from the 1960's. I was out cruising around looking for a mailbox...
- Old Butt-head: "I was out cruising around looking for a mailbox for it, and I saw a little kid going to school and I said, 'Uh, that lunchbox is mine now. Run along. You can find another lunchbox. I need this for the shipping crate I live in.'"
- Old Beavis: "Yeah, it'll double the size of my home." In all seriousness though, Butt-head, I don't think he's ever gonna score.
- Old Butt-head: Nope.
- Old Butt-head: When he meets girls, he's like, [immitating the man] "Come on back to my house, baby! You can stand all the way up!" Chicks are probably like, "Uh, glasses-on-hat-guy, I wanna score with you back at your house."
- Old Beavis: And he's like, "Hmm... well, I'm gonna have to measure you first."
- Old Butt-head: "You can bang your head on the ceiling, and then you can bang me."
- Old Beavis: "Yeah, but hurry up because we only have 15 minutes of air. There's probably not enough room for you, me, and my boner, so one of us is gonna have to wait outside, and I'm thinking me. [as the man shows some stored canned food] Yeah, maybe I can set the mood by heating up some canned food for you. Maybe a little Chef Boyardee? I put the D in Chef Boyardee. And magnets? Oh I got 'em."
- [as Mark plays a couple piano notes and hums the notes while onscreen text displays instructions]
- Beavis: Is he trying to teach singing, or reading?
- Butt-head: I don't know, but I don't wanna learn either one.
- [as Mark plays and sings a simple melody, and Beavis starts singing along]
- Beavis: You know, this is kinda catchy. [singing] Mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum mum...
- Butt-head: Yeah, that is kinda catchy. It's like a song about your mom. [singing slightly off-key] Beavis's mom mom mom is a slut.
- Beavis: No, you're off, Butt-head. [singing in key] Beavis's mom mom mom mom is a slut- wait a minute! Shut up, Butt-head!
- Mark: [singing] One two three, one two three, one two three, one...
- Butt-head: Damn it, is he teaching counting now?
- Beavis: Yeah yeah, he's not even doing it right.
- Butt-head: Yeah. One two three one?
- Beavis: Yeah, it goes, One two three four, beat your meat upon the floor! Beat, your meat!
- Beavis and Butt-head: Beat, your meat! Five six seven eight, beat your meat with a roller skate! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
- Beavis: Thirteen fourteen fifteen sixteen...
- Beavis and Butt-head: Beat your meat without resisting! Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
- Beavis: Seventeen eighteen nineteen twenty, beat your meat you still got plenty!
- Beavis and Butt-head: Beat, your meat! Beat, your meat!
- Butt-head: Uhhh, wait, what's nine ten eleven twelve?
- Beavis: It's nine ten eleven twelve, beat your meat until it swells. Beat your meat. Beat your meat.
- Butt-head: Now that's a good song. You know who would sing that song really good? Adele.
- Beavis: Yeah, she'd be great, you know? Give it a woman's perspective. Beat, your meat. Beat, your meat.
- Beavis: Whoa. She's really gonna eat ten Big Macs in a row?
- Butt-head: Uh, no, she's probably just gonna like, lecture us on how fast food is bad for you.
- Beavis: Oh, yeah yeah. She's probably just gonna like, yell at us about meat and America, and "meat is murder."
- [Nela begins to hastily eat the big macs]
- Butt-head: Uhh, wait a second. I think she's really gonna do it.
- Beavis: Whoa! Yes! Yes, she's not spitting it out or complaining or anything!
- Butt-head: Whoa! Yes! Oooh, that's good!
- Beavis: Yeah, yeah! Get it! Yeah, yeah! Go, go, go, yeah yeah yeah!
- Beavis and Butt-head: [enthusiastically head-banging] Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!
- Beavis: This is great!
- Butt-head: This is the coolest chick I have ever seen in my life. [as she drinks from a 2 liter bottle of Coca-Cola] Whoa! I think she's gonna drink that whole thing of Co-
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! I just wanna sit here and watch this girl eat hamburgers. This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. Yeah.
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis. It is amazing.
- Beavis: You know, um, normally, you know, when I see a girl like this, you now, and I just think I wanna score with her, but, um, now I want to just, like, settle down with her, you know? And like, and get married, and um and have a couple kids, and hopefully she doesn't eat the kids, you know, but- yeah and if big macs are more important, then, you know, she can have all the big macs she wants and I'll understand, you know, that that comes first, you know?
- Butt-head: Okay, Beavis.
- Beavis: Maybe I could score with her after she's really full, you know? You know, the 11th big mac is Beavis. Yeah. Me.
- Butt-head: Uhhh, I think I'm in love, Beavis, and I'm gonna have to kick your ass for her.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head, come on.
- Butt-head: I would drive all the way to New Zealand to get her.
- Beavis: Okay, she's in the home stretch now. It's down to the last three. C'mon!
- Butt-head: At this point, it's all mental.
- Beavis: You don't eat those last three big macs with your mouth, you eat them with your heart. She has the heart of a champion.
- Butt-head: And it is completely clogged with beef fat.
- Beavis: Shut up, Butt-head! That's my wife you're talking about.
Cast
[edit]External links
[edit]Pilots • Seasons 1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • Specials • Music videos • MTV programming • Feature film • Album • Main