The Nostalgia Critic/Season 12

Quotes from the 12th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2019.

The Black Cauldron

Taran: But without the help of my pig Hen Wen here, I- Hen Wen? [flatly] Oh, no!

Nostalgia Critic: That was really the best take you had?

Taran: Oh, no!

Nostalgia Critic: [mimics Taran, takes out cereal] I'm going to have my favorite cereal. Oh, no! This isn't my favorite cereal! Oh, well, I'll still put it in a bowl. Oh, no! We're out of bowls! Oh, well, I'll still get the toy that's inside. Oh-

---

Fflewddur: I shall sing of your...dastardly deed. I'm Fflewddur Fflam!

Nostalgia Critic: His name is...?

Fflewddur: Fflewddur Fflam!

Nostalgia Critic: What?

Fflewddur: Fflewddur Fflam!

Nostalgia Critic: ...What?

Fflewddur: Fflewddur Fflam!

Nostalgia Critic: Pickles. I'm calling him Pickles.

The Country Bears

Nostalgia Critic: The film opens, trying to convince us that the Bears were a legit country band. And I'm not gonna lie, they try so hard to make it look legit, it's kind of hilarious. [The band members are shown with captions introducing them] I'm just waiting for VH1's Behind the Music intro to play around it.

[The intro to "Behind the Music" is parodied]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Jim Forbes] The Bears sold out countless shows to millions of confused-looking fans. Sometimes, they'd even stare blankly at the stage like lifeless mannequins. But then, everything changed when the Teddy Grahams Bears began touring.

X-Men

Nostalgia Critic: [as the ring announcer] He can sing, he can dance, he can host the Oscars, yet somehow, he's still a credible badass!

[The fighter starts kicking Wolverine down on the ground]

Nostalgia Critic: [as the fighter] This is for Kate & Leopold! This is for Pan! This is for not getting Russell Crowe to drop out of Les Mis!

X2: X-Men United

Stryker: I was piloting black ops missions in the jungles of North Vietnam while you were sucking on your mama's tit at Woodstock, Kelly.

Nostalgia Critic: [The IMDb pages show Cox is only 27 days older than Davison] You are literally both the exact same age!

X-Men: The Last Stand

Juggernaut: Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah...if you want to know what every X-Men fan's reaction was to this internet meme suddenly making it into a big blockbuster movie... it went exactly like this.

Juggernaut: Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!

[Critic's reaction is shown via captions: "Excitement", "Confusion", "Awkwardness", "Sadness", "Betrayal", "Anger", "Disgust" and "Horror"]

X-Men Origins: Wolverine

[This version of Deadpool is suddenly shot in the head by the later, better Deadpool, revealing that was a mid credits scene of Deadpool 2]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey, I'm just keeping the canon!

Tom and Jerry and the Wizard of Oz

[A horse in the background smiles suggestively at Dorothy as she sings "Over the Rainbow"]

Nostalgia Critic: Even if the violence was taken out, I don't like the way this horse is looking at her. His eyes seem to be saying...

Nostalgia Critic: [as the horse with sensual music playing] Oh, yeah, Dorothy. I'll take you over the rainbow, show you what "way up high" really means.

---

Nostalgia Critic: Here's a fun game. See if you can spot any innuendo when Tuffy offers to come with them.

[Tom measures Tuffy with his fingers, looks at the fingers and silently laughs]

Tuffy: Don't laugh! I'm very insecure about my size!

Hop

[There is a montage of bunny artwork, including "The Birth of Venus"]

Nostalgia Critic: Not even a minute in, and we already have bunny boobies. I expected more from the director of Garfield 2, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas- OH, GOD, THIS IS GONNA SUCK! We get a brief glance of the Easter Bunnies of the past, and I already wanna know more about them than the Thumper equivalent of Quack Pack. [a mock poster for said idea, "Thump Bumps" is shown] Stop taking notes, Disney!

---

Nostalgia Critic: But no! He lets him stay, because...he can do this.

Fred: What are you doing?

E.B.: See? [He has pooped jellybeans]

Fred: Jelly beans?

Nostalgia Critic: Hop! The jelly beans you've been eating all these years are shit...SHIT! Hop.

Fred: So what? So you talk and you poop candy.

Nostalgia Critic: Trust me, you don't wanna know how he makes Reese's Feces!

Stuart Little

Nostalgia Critic: They introduce Stuart to the family, and they give him gifts that are way too big for him, because the parents never told anyone he was a mouse. The... thought occurs to me that these parents are really awful.

---

Stuart: [to the cats] Sure, you'll probably scratch him up pretty bad. You'll tear him to shreds, you may even kill him. But Snowbell will not run away. Right? Snow?

[A shot of a bush is shown in place of the actual scene, implying that Snowbell has run away]

Nostalgia Critic: That's what should have been there, but instead, we just get Snowbell looking afraid. Oh, what? Would that have been too much? Would it have warranted a PG-13?

Balto II: Wolf Quest

Nostalgia Critic: He tells her about her heritage and how wolf blood flew through both their veins. Aleu runs away, as Balto, being a good parent, chases after her...nah, just kidding, he sleeps again.

---

Nostalgia Critic: I don't like how sexy that fox's voice is. It makes me...you confused.

---

Nostalgia Critic: So Balto has flashbacks of all the moments of her growing up. That's right, both of them. He was asleep for the rest.

Mary Poppins Returns

Nostalgia Critic: [over countless shots of Disney movies with absent moms] And, apparently, there's a dead mother, which we have never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever...ever seen before.

Barney's Great Adventure

Nostalgia Critic: Downside to having an orchestra play "Old MacDonald"? It can make a C sound like an F sometimes.

Barney and the girls: [singing] With a cluck-cluck here / And a cluck-cluck there, / Here a cluck, there a cluck, / Everywhere a cluck-cluck...

Nostalgia Critic: Barney's Great Brothel was an unpopular working title, but they still managed to keep those lyrics in.

---

Nostalgia Critic: They go to ask the grandparents if they know what it is, and– [Baby Bop runs up to them] OH, GOD, HE PROCREATES!

Baby Bop: Oh, hello! [a green leaf, which is the same color as her skin, falls off] My name is Baby Bop!

Nostalgia Critic: [as Baby Bop] I'm shedding, as you can see from this green falling off me! Fools, this isn't even my final form!

Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief

Percy: He sleeps till noon every day, and he can't even hold a job. Why do you stay with him?

Nostalgia Critic: [as Sally] I told you, sex! What, do I have to spell it out for you? Oh, that's right, I can't. Sorry.

Kim Possible (2019)

[After a Wilhelm scream is used]

Nostalgia Critic: Oh no, henchman Wilhelm is down!

The Lion King

Nostalgia Critic: Mufasa saves Simba, and I blame bad parenting for what you're about to see here, because when you name one kid "Mufasa" meaning "king" and the other kid "Scar" meaning "Scar", aren't you just begging for something like this to happen?

That Darn Cat

Lloyd: [voiced by Brad Jones, regarding their human owners] They're doing nothing but sitting there! Imagine an animal doing such a thing. Let's watch something else.

Chaplin: [voiced by Nostalgia Critic] Lloyd! Are you suggesting we let an innocent creature die, just so you don't have to watch their review?

---

Nostalgia Critic: But at least we get this incredible twist I know you've all been waiting for.

Patti: We found the source of... of the bloody twig.

Boetticher: The bloody twig is a stem from a maraschino cherry!

The Jetsons Meet the Flintstones

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, now continue on your sidewalk that moves your perfectly able feet. Also, a time machine is just a school assignment? [creeped out as a skeletal corpse appears] Isn't that like bringing the dead back to life for your religious studies class?

---

Fred: Now, all you gotta do is stand around, looking sexy, to distract the other players.

Nostalgia Critic: [clutching his head] While I'm imagining Jennifer Tilly anteing up Fred's head I have to admit, hearing him say the word "sexy" might be the most disturbing thing I've ever heard. I don't want to associate anything about the Flintstones being sexy!

Mulan II

Nostalgia Critic: [sings "I'll Make a Man Out of You"] Let's get down to busi-

Emperor: No, General.

Nostalgia Critic: [confused] -ness?

Emperor: Instead, we will become united with the kingdom of Qui Gong through marriage.

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, we're doing Brave! Yeah, you remember that movie? You know, where they make it look like the main character's gonna kick ass, but it's actually about diplomacy and she rarely fights anyone? And when she does, she sucks? Congrats, Mulan fans! You got exactly what you were waiting for!

---

Nostalgia Critic: We just have to assume they're still outnumbered and everyone got slaughtered! In fact, the irony is in some countries, this movie is called "Mulan 2: The Final War"! Where's the final war?! Oh, I get it. It was after the movie ended. And it was so devastating, [An image of China with a fire edited onto it is shown] they just showed one second of China burning, and quickly cut to the end credits. But at least Mulan and the princesses follow their hearts! I wouldn't follow this if it was serving fresh Mushu! [A photo of a dead Mushu roll is shown] Which is very tempting at this point!

Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Road Chip

Nostalgia Critic: So they decide to chase after Dave to get him his ring back, but they, yet again, have a babysitter for the babysitter. Cause it worked awesome the first time.

Sitter: I like that he's hairy.

Simon: [stops with his brothers] Oh?

Sitter: Scruffy's, like, cute. It's like, "Hi, l am adorable, but I'm also an animal." [The Chipmunks look happy and interested]

Nostalgia Critic: [as sitter] The fact that he is a chipmunk just cements my bestiality.

Scooby-Doo on Zombie Island

[As Velma falls, she grabs Daphne by the ankle. Shaggy helps Velma up while Fred does the same with Daphne]

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, they cut the part where Velma climbed Daphne in order to reach Shaggy's hand. You know exactly why!

---

Fred: That's the fakest, cheesiest mask I've ever seen!

[Daphne tries to pry the zombie's mouth open]

Daphne: But it feels real!

Nostalgia Critic: [as Daphne] I know, from all the dead faces I've touched in the past! Don't Google me.

Fred: Maybe it's... [He pulls off the zombie's head] real!

[He screams and throws the zombie head at Daphne, who in turn throws it at Shaggy]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I never thought I'd say this in a Scooby-Doo movie, but HOLY SHIT!

Frozen

Bulda: [to Kristoff and Sven] Cuties. I'm gonna keep you.

Nostalgia Critic: The tone of the film has decided to find this... [Captions fly by saying "Alarming", "Disturbing", and "A Possible Kidnapping" before stopping on "cute"] ...cute.

---

Elsa: This is what a party looks like. What is that amazing smell?

Anna and Elsa: [both sniff and smile] Chocolate.

Nostalgia Critic: I've literally had six years to think of a joke, and I still don't know how to react to that.

---

[The opening notes of "Let It Go" start playing and Critic's ears explode]

Nostalgia Critic: Sorry! That's the reaction every adult has now when they hear those five notes! Yeah, it's no mystery this song has been overplayed and overheard to the point of madness, with countless covers on the Internet, tons of merchandise with the song's title, and, as of now, having over 1.8 billion hits on YouTube. At first, when people heard it on the radio, they were like... "Oh, that's the song from Frozen, right? Man, I sure hope that little kids' movie song gets the attention it deserves." And now, when you hear it, people are like...

Elsa: Let it go...

[A clip from The Great Gatsby (2013) is shown]

Gatsby: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!

Nostalgia Critic: But, okay, objectifiably, objectifiably...it is a good... [Suddenly dodges a gunshot] ...song. [Dodges another gunshot]

The Grinch

Nostalgia Critic: Cool Sherlock Smaug British accent or weird Chris O'Dowd House American accent?

Grinch: [American accent] Where's my personal reserve of moose juice? And goose juice? My emergency stash of Who-Hash?

Nostalgia Critic: House, it is.

---

Nostalgia Critic: As if that motivation wasn't weak enough, we finally get the Grinch's backstory, which...Why do we need? Every version says his hatred of Christmas is a mystery but only one version actually leaves it a mystery!

The Santa Clause 3: The Escape Clause

Nostalgia Critic: He goes to his ex-wife's house to find that he barely sees his son.

[Cut to an earlier scene in the film where Santa hugs Charlie with the caption "Screen Time Together: 1 minute 32 Seconds"]

Nostalgia Critic: [sarcastically] Because that was so different before!