The Nostalgia Critic/Season 12
The Nostalgia Critic: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Quotes from the 12th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2019.
- Taran: Is this to be my life? Pampering a pig? I'm a warrior!
- Nostalgia Critic: Taran, I'm 100% convinced, is the lost Disney princess. Now I know that doesn't sound right, seeing how there's technically a Disney princess in this later, but she doesn't have as many Disney Princess traits as he does. For example, he's very delicate and fey.
- Taran: [touches a boiling pot] But I'm not afraid. Ouch!
- Nostalgia Critic: He lives in a cottage, is unhappy with his life, has no mother, and yearns for more.
- Taran: Dallben doesn't understand. I'm not a little boy anymore. I should be doing heroic deeds for Prydain.
- Nostalgia Critic: Even his design is very Disney Princess-esque.
- Taran: But without the help of my pig Hen Wen here, I- Hen Wen? [flatly] Oh, no!
- Nostalgia Critic: That was really the best take you had?
- Taran: Oh, no!
- Nostalgia Critic: [mimics Taran, takes out cereal] I'm going to have my favorite cereal. Oh, no! This isn't my favorite cereal! Oh, well, I'll still put it in a bowl. Oh, no! We're out of bowls! Oh, well, I'll still get the toy that's inside. Oh-
- Fflewddur: I shall sing of your...dastardly deed. I'm Fflewddur Fflam!
- Nostalgia Critic: His name is...?
- Fflewddur: Fflewddur Fflam!
- Nostalgia Critic: What?
- Fflewddur: Fflewddur Fflam!
- Nostalgia Critic: ...What?
- Fflewddur: Fflewddur Fflam!
- Nostalgia Critic: Pickles. I'm calling him Pickles.
- Nostalgia Critic: The film opens, trying to convince us that the Bears were a legit country band. And I'm not gonna lie, they try so hard to make it look legit, it's kind of hilarious. [The band members are shown with captions introducing them] I'm just waiting for VH1's Behind the Music intro to play around it.
- [The intro to "Behind the Music" is parodied]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Jim Forbes] The Bears sold out countless shows to millions of confused-looking fans. Sometimes, they'd even stare blankly at the stage like lifeless mannequins. But then, everything changed when the Teddy Grahams Bears began touring.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as the ring announcer] He can sing, he can dance, he can host the Oscars, yet somehow, he's still a credible badass!
- [The fighter starts kicking Wolverine down on the ground]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as the fighter] This is for Kate & Leopold! This is for Pan! This is for not getting Russell Crowe to drop out of Les Mis!
- [Jean uses her power to shut the door]
- Nostalgia Critic: [shows image of Xenia Onatopp; as Jean] I also do amazing things with my thighs. But Logan dares her to read into his mind.
- Wolverine: So read my mind.
- Jean: I'd rather not.
- Nostalgia Critic: She refuses... and then immediately does it. What? Did he mentally convince her and we couldn't hear it?
- Stryker: I was piloting black ops missions in the jungles of North Vietnam while you were sucking on your mama's tit at Woodstock, Kelly.
- Nostalgia Critic: [The IMDb pages show Cox is only 27 days older than Davison] You are literally both the exact same age!
- [Wolverine is supposedly killed; a bored Nostalgia Critic looks at the numerous Wolverine-centered sequels]
- Nostalgia Critic: I think he'll be fine.
- Nostalgia Critic: This hits our X-Men pretty hard, especially... oh, which one was Juno again?
- Iceman: Kitty.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, yeah, Kitty Pryde. It has been over 40 minutes since we've given her or Iceman a scene, so... [Iceman and Shadowcat ice skate while Rogue watches] Yeah, there's nothing to help get over the death of your mentor like flirting with someone you barely know while your current girlfriend watches. What an X-hole!
- Juggernaut: Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah...if you want to know what every X-Men fan's reaction was to this internet meme suddenly making it into a big blockbuster movie... it went exactly like this.
- Juggernaut: Don't you know who I am? I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!
- [Critic's reaction is shown via captions: "Excitement", "Confusion", "Awkwardness", "Sadness", "Betrayal", "Anger", "Disgust" and "Horror"]
- [Wolverine and Sabretooth fight in the American Civil War, World Wars, and Vietnam War]
- Nostalgia Critic: Run away into a title sequence where they show every war they ever signed up for: Marvel Civil War, Saving Private Ryan Reynolds, X-Men: Apocalypse Now, and through all of it Wolverine grew up fast into Hugh Jackman and just kind of stayed that age for the next hundred years... [shows Days of Future Past and Logan] Until these two movies and then suddenly white hair, and Sabretooth grew up into Liev Schreiber, who finally perfected his dolphin jump.
- [This version of Deadpool is suddenly shot in the head by the later, better Deadpool, revealing that was a mid credits scene of Deadpool 2]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, I'm just keeping the canon!
- [A horse in the background smiles suggestively at Dorothy as she sings "Over the Rainbow"]
- Nostalgia Critic: Even if the violence was taken out, I don't like the way this horse is looking at her. His eyes seem to be saying...
- Nostalgia Critic: [as the horse with sensual music playing] Oh, yeah, Dorothy. I'll take you over the rainbow, show you what "way up high" really means.
- Nostalgia Critic: Here's a fun game. See if you can spot any innuendo when Tuffy offers to come with them.
- [Tom measures Tuffy with his fingers, looks at the fingers and silently laughs]
- Tuffy: Don't laugh! I'm very insecure about my size!
- [There is a montage of bunny artwork, including "The Birth of Venus"]
- Nostalgia Critic: Not even a minute in, and we already have bunny boobies. I expected more from the director of Garfield 2, Alvin and the Chipmunks and Grumpy Cat's Worst Christmas- OH, GOD, THIS IS GONNA SUCK! We get a brief glance of the Easter Bunnies of the past, and I already wanna know more about them than the Thumper equivalent of Quack Pack. [a mock poster for said idea, "Thump Bumps" is shown] Stop taking notes, Disney!
- Nostalgia Critic: But no! He lets him stay, because...he can do this.
- Fred: What are you doing?
- E.B.: See? [He has pooped jellybeans]
- Fred: Jelly beans?
- Nostalgia Critic: Hop! The jelly beans you've been eating all these years are shit...SHIT! Hop.
- Fred: So what? So you talk and you poop candy.
- Nostalgia Critic: Trust me, you don't wanna know how he makes Reese's Feces!
- Nostalgia Critic: They introduce Stuart to the family, and they give him gifts that are way too big for him, because the parents never told anyone he was a mouse. The... thought occurs to me that these parents are really awful.
- Stuart: [to the cats] Sure, you'll probably scratch him up pretty bad. You'll tear him to shreds, you may even kill him. But Snowbell will not run away. Right? Snow?
- [A shot of a bush is shown in place of the actual scene, implying that Snowbell has run away]
- Nostalgia Critic: That's what should have been there, but instead, we just get Snowbell looking afraid. Oh, what? Would that have been too much? Would it have warranted a PG-13?
- Nostalgia Critic: There's something so demeaning about using the back of your hand to push somebody off. Like... you're not even worth a palm! "You have the luxury of smelling my lotion as I push you off." "Ooh, is that cucumber mint?" "It is."
- Nostalgia Critic: [when Aleu growls poorly] What was that, Donald Duck snoring? What was that?
- Nostalgia Critic: So Balto has flashbacks of all the moments of her growing up. That's right, both of them. He was asleep for the rest.
- Nostalgia Critic: It's stupid that Disney wanted an imitation instead of something new, but with that said, they are good imitations. Clearly familiar, but still clever and hummable. Even if some of the singers go Michael Crawford on the last note.
- Jack: [singing slowly] London sky...
- Nostalgia Critic: Downside to having an orchestra play "Old MacDonald"? It can make a C sound like an F sometimes.
- Barney and the girls: [singing] With a cluck-cluck here / And a cluck-cluck there, / Here a cluck, there a cluck, / Everywhere a cluck-cluck...
- Nostalgia Critic: Barney's Great Brothel was an unpopular working title, but they still managed to keep those lyrics in.
- Nostalgia Critic: They go to ask the grandparents if they know what it is, and– [Baby Bop runs up to them] OH, GOD, HE PROCREATES!
- Baby Bop: Oh, hello! [a green leaf, which is the same color as her skin, falls off] My name is Baby Bop!
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Baby Bop] I'm shedding, as you can see from this green falling off me! Fools, this isn't even my final form!
- Percy: He sleeps till noon every day, and he can't even hold a job. Why do you stay with him?
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Sally] I told you, sex! What, do I have to spell it out for you? Oh, that's right, I can't. Sorry.
- Ron: I don't know if you know this about me, but when I grow up, I want to be a dog.
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, that's in the universe forever.
- Nostalgia Critic: Mufasa saves Simba, and I blame bad parenting for what you're about to see here, because when you name one kid "Mufasa" meaning "king" and the other kid "Scar" meaning "Scar", aren't you just begging for something like this to happen?
- Nostalgia Critic: But at least we get this incredible twist I know you've all been waiting for.
- Patti: We found the source of... of the bloody twig.
- Boetticher: The bloody twig is a stem from a maraschino cherry!
- Patti: [flatly] Oh, my God. It's you!
- Cinema Snob: Hmm. Not quite Troll 2 worthy.
- Nostalgia Critic: But a little worse than Last Airbender material.
- Cinema Snob: I still think she's worth the Hayden Christensen Award.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, now continue on your sidewalk that moves your perfectly able feet. Also, a time machine is just a school assignment? [creeped out as a skeletal corpse appears] Isn't that like bringing the dead back to life for your religious studies class?
- Fred: Now, all you gotta do is stand around, looking sexy, to distract the other players.
- Nostalgia Critic: [clutching his head] While I'm imagining Jennifer Tilly anteing up Fred's head I have to admit, hearing him say the word "sexy" might be the most disturbing thing I've ever heard. I don't want to associate anything about the Flintstones being sexy!
- Nostalgia Critic: [sings "I'll Make a Man Out of You"] Let's get down to busi-
- Emperor: No, General.
- Nostalgia Critic: [confused] -ness?
- Emperor: Instead, we will become united with the kingdom of Qui Gong through marriage.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, we're doing Brave! Yeah, you remember that movie? You know, where they make it look like the main character's gonna kick ass, but it's actually about diplomacy and she rarely fights anyone? And when she does, she sucks? Congrats, Mulan fans! You got exactly what you were waiting for!
- Mulan: But I have another duty, to my heart.
- Nostalgia Critic: [gets hit by a fist] Ow! That line was so bad, it physically assaulted me!
- Nostalgia Critic: And in the great tradition of awkwardly paused Disney frames, here's another one to add to your collection.
- Shang: [with scary cartoonish animation] And next time, don't leave your post! [scene is repeated in slow mo]
- Nostalgia Critic: My God! It's like what Damien saw in the dream sequence from The Exorcist! Except, somehow, this feels more evil!
- Suggs: I have a reason to believe there's a fugitive chipmunk in your beard.
- Nostalgia Critic: Wasn't that the last line in Titanic?
- [As Velma falls, she grabs Daphne by the ankle. Shaggy helps Velma up while Fred does the same with Daphne]
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, they cut the part where Velma climbed Daphne in order to reach Shaggy's hand. You know exactly why!
- Fred: That's the fakest, cheesiest mask I've ever seen!
- [Daphne tries to pry the zombie's mouth open]
- Daphne: But it feels real!
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Daphne] I know, from all the dead faces I've touched in the past! Don't Google me.
- Fred: Maybe it's... [He pulls off the zombie's head] real!
- [He screams and throws the zombie head at Daphne, who in turn throws it at Shaggy]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, I never thought I'd say this in a Scooby-Doo movie, but HOLY SHIT!
- Bulda: [to Kristoff and Sven] Cuties. I'm gonna keep you.
- Nostalgia Critic: The tone of the film has decided to find this... [Captions fly by saying "Alarming", "Disturbing", and "A Possible Kidnapping" before stopping on "cute"] ...cute.
- Elsa: This is what a party looks like. What is that amazing smell?
- Anna and Elsa: [both sniff and smile] Chocolate.
- Nostalgia Critic: I've literally had six years to think of a joke, and I still don't know how to react to that.
- [The opening notes of "Let It Go" start playing and Critic's ears explode]
- Nostalgia Critic: Sorry! That's the reaction every adult has now when they hear those five notes! Yeah, it's no mystery this song has been overplayed and overheard to the point of madness, with countless covers on the Internet, tons of merchandise with the song's title, and, as of now, having over 1.8 billion hits on YouTube. At first, when people heard it on the radio, they were like... "Oh, that's the song from Frozen, right? Man, I sure hope that little kids' movie song gets the attention it deserves." And now, when you hear it, people are like...
- Elsa: Let it go...
- [A clip from The Great Gatsby (2013) is shown]
- Gatsby: SHUT UP! SHUT UP! YOU SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP!
- Nostalgia Critic: But, okay, objectifiably, objectifiably...it is a good... [Suddenly dodges a gunshot] ...song. [Dodges another gunshot]
- Nostalgia Critic: Cool Sherlock Smaug British accent or weird Chris O'Dowd House American accent?
- Grinch: [American accent] Where's my personal reserve of moose juice? And goose juice? My emergency stash of Who-Hash?
- Nostalgia Critic: House, it is.
- Nostalgia Critic: As if that motivation wasn't weak enough, we finally get the Grinch's backstory, which...Why do we need? Every version says his hatred of Christmas is a mystery but only one version actually leaves it a mystery!
- Nostalgia Critic: [regarding Bud] Yeah, he's suddenly drunk Orson Welles on a wine commercial!