The Nostalgia Critic/Season 1
The Nostalgia Critic: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Quotes from the 1st season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2008.
Transformers
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: This is the SHIT!
- Nostalgia Critic: So for weeks, we'd been waiting in anticipation, and finally the big day came. It was Saturday morning; all the kids are up, and we're hyped as hell! And who do they get to start off this ground breaking event? None other than the goddamn President of the United States himself! Oh, my God! George Bush is starting this thing off! ...Oh, my God. George Bush is starting this thing off; that can't be good. He goes on and on about how listening to your parents is important and about how to maintain the American family, but when you're a kid hyped up as hell, all you can hear is, [in child's voice] "Bla bla bla! I'm an old person! Bla bla bla! I'm keeping you from your cartoons! Bla bla bla!"
- Nostalgia Critic: So after he's done blabbing, the show finally begins. And it's just like the commercials say, everybody's there. The Smurfs, Ghostbusters, Garfield, Alf... For some reason... I dunno maybe he snuck in the back, I dunno. But bottom line, everybody's there, it's unbelievable, it's a dream come true. So, now that all of our favorite cartoon characters are together in one spot, what are they gonna talk about?
- Simon: Marijuana.
- Nostalgia Critic: [long pause, then puts hand to ear] 'Scusi?
- Simon: Marijuana.
- Nostalgia Critic: [startled off] Di... [scratches his head] Did Simon of the Chipmunks just say "marijuana"? What... What would possess Simon of the Chipmunks to say "marijuana"? No, no no no, this... this has gotta be some kind of a mistake. I-it can't be the same marijuana we're thinkin' of—
- Simon: An unlawful substance used to experience artificial highs.
- Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Oh my God... Wh... Why is Simon of the Chipmunks talking about marijuana? Wh-what kind of a slap in the face is that?! I mean... Simon shouldn't know what marijuana is! Simon is one of the embodiments of childhood! He's from Alvin and the Chipmunks for cryin' out loud! Jesus, I feel so dirty! Simon of the Chipmunks just said "marijuana"! Is there any other American icon that can smash the foundations of my childhood any quicker?!
- Bugs Bunny: What's this? A joint?
- Nostalgia Critic: [headslap!] Why does Bugs Bunny know what a joint is!?! Bugs Bunny shouldn't know what a joint is! If Bugs Bunny knows what a joint is, it means he knows what drugs are! If Bugs Bunny knows what drugs are, it means the rest of the Looney Tunes know what drugs are! AND IF THE REST OF THE LOONEY TUNES KNOW WHAT DRUGS ARE—WELL, THAT JUST EXPLAINS TOO GODDAMN MUCH!
- Nostalgia Critic: Maybe I'm being too harsh on this special. After all, they are trying to get across a very moral lesson.
- ALF: Drugs aren't your pal, pal, they're your enemy!
- Nostalgia Critic: A very sound point; any objections?
- Smoke: I make 'em feel good.
- Nostalgia Critic: Got me there! [leaves to light up a bong]
- Nostalgia Critic: I have to admit, growing up, I wasn't really a Power Rangers kid. I was more in the Ninja Turtles/X-Men kind of crowd. In fact, when the show first premiered, I remember saying to myself, "There's no way this is gonna catch on. People can't possibly be this stupid!" And this is why I'm not in the stock market. The show, about six bland teenagers, who saved the world from Japanese stock footage was such a huge hit that they eventually made a movie about them in 1995. And does it suck balls...? [mouths, "Oh yeah"] ...Major balls. In fact, the only difference between the movie version and the show was that the movie version actually has a budget. But instead of using it on mind-blowing special effects and high-tech wizardry... they use it to go skydiving. In fact, that's how the movie begins: with skydiving. Like someone threw a whole bunch of money at the producers, and they said, [in a Southern accent] "YEE-HA! We're goin' skydivin'! Bring the camera along! I'm sure we'll fit it in the movie somehow!"
- Dulcea: [to Aisha] You are the bear, fierce and unstoppable. [to Billy] You are the wolf, cunning and swift. [to Adam] Adam, what's wrong?
- Adam: I'm a frog.
- Dulcea: Yes, a frog! Like the one you kiss [smooch] ...to get a handsome prince.
- Nostalgia Critic: What the hell is that? Kissing is my superpower? You shittin' me? They get the strength and the swift and I get kissing!? What kinda bullshit is that!? Ohp—don't let her get away with that! Stand up for yourself, maggot! "Hey! Hey bitch, get back here! Where's my real superpower!? HEY! HEY! HEY! Fuck this man, I'm gonna go into anime."
- Nostalgia Critic: Upon hitting an asteroid, Ivan Ooze is destroyed and the Power Rangers fly off to save Zordon. But unfortunately, they're too late — Zordon is gone. If only they had gone to save him first instead of showing off their brand new fighting moves and special effects. If only... If only...
- Tommy: Remember what we learned? [NC looks up] To those who possess the great power, all things are possible.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, Tommy, no! That's crazy talk!
- Tommy: Come on.
- [the Rangers then pose all together around Zordon and transferring the powers to him]
- Nostalgia Critic: Can it be?
- [...]
- Nostalgia Critic: Is it possible?
- Nostalgia Critic: Wait a minute. [record scratch] If the great power has the ability to do anything, couldn't they just use it to destroy Ivan Ooze in the first place?
- [...]
- Nostalgia Critic: THIS MOVIE MAKES NO SENSE! Nothing about the Power Rangers does! How come the monsters always land at the exact same city? How come the city turns into a canyon whenever a fight scene's about to happen? How come nobody recognizes the Rangers even though they wear the exact same colors every day? How come they always move like they have Tourette's syndrome? How come Rita's voice never sounds right? How come they dress up like NASCAR mannequins? How come it's sunny in space? How come Alpha's so gay? How come Kimberly's so hot? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Teenage Mutant Fuckin' Ninja Turtles. This is the shit. When we were growin' up, Ninja Turtles were everywhere. Comic books, TV shows, breakfast cereals. They even had a pie named after 'em! It tasted like splooge, but we didn't care; as long as it had the Ninja Turtles on it, we were happy. So when we heard they were actually making a live action movie based on this phenomenon, we proudly pissed our pants with joy. We shit ourselves with excitement. We vomited up vast amounts of excrement, shit on it, rolled around in it, put it back in our mouths and proceeded to vomit it up again in roaring anticipation. Okay, maybe only I did that. But still, bottom line, we were hyped as hell.
Top 11 Scariest Nostalgic Moments
[edit]- NC: Number 11: The wicked Witch from the Wizard of Oz. For many kids, The Wizard of Oz was the first movie they ever saw. So naturally, the wicked Witch was the first villain they ever came across. And man, did she freak us out, with her green skin, big nose and black attire, This wicked Bitch of the north made us all cry out "There's no place like home!" If you can believe this, this actress actually used to be a kindergarten teacher. Jesus Christ, imagine her greeting you on your first day of school!
- Wicked Witch: Wanna play ball? [throws fireball]
- NC: Number 5: The Child Catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Good GOD was this guy creepy. When your parents said stay away from strangers with candy, this guy was probably the person they were talking about.
- Child Catcher: Lollipops!
- NC: He embodied everything about what children envisioned bad men looked like. In fact, to be honest, he's a little creepier now than he was back then. He looks like one of those guys you catch on Myspace trying to pick up 10 year old boys. Whatever reason he creeps you out, he's one bad customer. And my guess is he'll be ringing your doorbell reading a court-required notice sometime soon.
- [The Child catcher attacks some children]
- NC: AAH!
- NC: Number 4: Large Marge from Pee Wee's Big Adventure. This is a funny movie whether you're a kid or an adult. However there's one scene that just comes out of nowhere. It involves a truck driver named Large Marge who starts telling a ghost story about the worst accident she's ever seen.
- Large Marge: And when they finally pulled the driver's body from the twisted... Burning... wreck... it looked like... THIS! [turns to Pee-Wee and makes a grotesque face]
- Pee-wee: AAH!
- NC: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?! She was just telling a story, all of a sudden [imitates Large Marge] I mean it just comes out of nowhere and catches everyone off guard, even the adults. We find out later that the Large Marge that Pee-Wee was riding with was actually...
- People at Restaurant: her ghost.
- NC: [Sighs] At least I don't have to see that sequence agai-
- Large Marge: [Makes her grotesque face again]
- NC: AAH! Can't we cut to a less frightening part of the movie?
- [Cut to the scene with the doctor]
- NC: [Sighs] That's better.
- Doctor: [pulls down his mask to reveal a freaky mouth and laughs]
- NC: AAH!
The Super Mario Bros. Movie
[edit]- Police Man: Name?
- Mario: Mario!
- Police Man: Last name?
- Nostalgia Critic: Whoa, whoa, we're gonna hear Mario's last name? Dude, we've never heard Mario's last name before! This ought to be interesting! Cool, alright, so what's Mario's last name?
- Mario: Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, now what's your last name?
- Mario: Mario.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, what's your last name?
- Mario: Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: No, OK... What's your first name?
- Mario: Mario.
- Nostalgia Critic: Alright, now what's your last name?
- Mario: Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: Fuck you. [turns to Luigi] What's your first name?
- Luigi: Luigi!
- Nostalgia Critic: And what's your last name?
- Mario: Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: Shut up! What's your last name?
- Luigi: Luigi Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: Those are both first names! What's your last name?
- Mario: Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: SHUT IT! What's your full name?
- Luigi: Luigi Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: Those are both first- OK, what's your first name?
- Luigi: Luigi!
- Nostalgia Critic: And what's your last name?
- Mario: Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: SHUT THE FUCK-! What's your full name?
- Luigi: Luigi Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: What is this, an Abbott and Costello routine?
- Luigi: It's Mario Mario, and Luigi Mario!
- Nostalgia Critic: Are you fucking kidding me?! They couldn't come up with last names so they just used their first names again? That's like something a kid writes down when he doesn't know the answer on a test!
- Nostalgia Critic: Not funny plus not funny EQUALS NOT FUCKING FUNNY!
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, let me tell you something: THIS. FILM. WAS. OKAY! Just... okay. I mean, not good, not bad, it's just... okay. How was the monster? It's okay. How was the acting? It's okay. How are the special effects? It's all okay! It's like a giant, flaming nuclear ball of ADEQUACY!
Street Fighter
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: These three obviously have a very difficult task ahead of them — not taking out M. Bison's fearsome army, but trying to figure out what the hell their fearless leader is saying.
- Guile: Call it a wake-up-call.
- Nostalgia Critic: A "wakekakauh"? What's a "wakekakauh"?
- Guile: If I'm not dubsite in 15 minutes!
- Nostalgia Critic: What?
- Guile: And the struckis the fences.
- Nostalgia Critic: Huh?
- Guile: Is ragaran's ah gainsta Bison.
- Nostalgia Critic: Who!? Seriously, even the actors in the movie look at him like they have no idea what he's saying.
- Guile: Some moron just ganned me.
- [BWOING?!]
- Nostalgia Critic: Then Guile delivers a speech that even George W. would find especially ridiculous.
- Guile: Our superiors say the war is cancelled. We can all go home.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh good, I don't know how much more of this movie I could take!
- Guile: Bison is getting paid off for his crimes, and our friends will have died here. But... we can all go home.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes yes yes, very tragic. I got things to do, so I'm just—
- Guile: Meanwhile, ideals like peace, freedom, and justice, they get packed up. But... we can all go home.
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, we would, if you would stop yapping your trap.
- Guile: Well, I'm not going home.
- Nostalgia Critic: No no no, don't do this to me, Van Damme! You said I could go home!
- Guile: I'm going to get on my boat, and I'm going to kick that son of a bitch Bison's ass...
- Nostalgia Critic: Heart of a poet.
- Guile: Now, who wants to go home? [NC raises hand meekly] And who wants to go with me?! [soldiers cheer]
- Nostalgia Critic: [Falls forward and hits the desk in frustration] No, NO, NAAOOHHH...!
Mortal Kombat
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Looking for guidance, our two heroes turn to Raiden for some helpful advice.
- Raiden: I have nothing further to teach you.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, now you shut the fuck up! The one time we actually need your advice, and you have none to give! What kind of highlander are you, anyway?
- Raiden: Sorry.
- Nostalgia Critic: The least you could do is tell us where he's taking her!
- Raiden: The emperor's castle.
- Nostalgia Critic: The emperor's asshole?!
- Johnny Cage: NO!
- Nostalgia Critic: Actually, he was referring to the mystical realms of Outworld. And no, that is not another name for San Francisco. This horrifying dimension has the incredible terror of knocked-over statues, um... knocked-over statues, and... uh... some more knocked-over statues. Oh, and a creature known as Reptile, who's kind of like a mix between Finding Nemo and Satan's ass.
- Nostalgia Critic: Y'know, I love the Looney Tunes. Who doesn't? They're funny, they're clever, they're unique, they're absolutely wonderful. And you wanna know what else? I love basketball. Again, who doesn't? It's fun, it's intense, it gives you a rush of energy; it's also absolutely wonderful. However, you want to be sure to keep these two elements as far away from each other as humanly possible, because if you don't, YOU GET FUCKIN' SPACE JAM! THE WORSE PIECE OF COMMERCIALIZED, HALF-BAKED HORSESHIT THAT EVER HIT THE—OK. All right, I apologize. I just really hate it when Hollywood takes not one, but two of the things that I hold so dear to me and poisons it with an undiluted urine-filled backwash that I hate so much. So with that said, let's take a look how these two wonderful pastimes got transformed into the cinematic gang-rape that lies before us.
- Nostalgia Critic: So all your favorites are there for the line-up, including Bugs, Daffy, Porky, Taz, Elmer, Lola, Tweety, Marvin th—wait a minute! [record scratch] Who the fuck is Lola? Oh, wait, wait, I remember, from the classic Lola cartoons — y'know, with the... and the... Who the fuck's Lola!? [voiceover] Lola, turns out, is a girl bunny they created to bring in more of the female demographic. Unfortunately, they didn't really make her fun, silly, goofy or zany — in fact, they didn't give her any personality at all. They just tried to pose her off as some sort of strange sex symbol. Which is kinda weird because she is, in fact, a rabbit. She's not a person, she's a rabbit. If it was a person, maybe it would make a little more sense to make her a sex symbol but she is, in fact, a rabbit.
- [beat]
- Nostalgia Critic: Why would anyone wanna fuck a rabbit!? What sense does that make!? Rabbits aren't sexy, rabbits are.. food! I mean, look at her — they dress her in skimpy clothes, they make her wear short-shorts — oh! And here's the biggest insult of all: they actually gave her bunny boobies. Bunny boobies! I mean, what kind of sick, twisted pervert actually gives a cartoon character bunny boobies!? I mean, if that hassenpfeffer hussy actually has female genitalia, what does that mean the other Looney Tunes characters have?
- Sylvester: [about to open locker] We've got balls!
- Nostalgia Critic: STOP! STOP! Okay, alright — let me make one thing perfectly clear to all you Warner Brothers representatives out there! ..We don't want to fuck bunnies! ...I can't believe I have to say this, we don't want to fuck bunnies! I mean, we're people! Therefore we like to fuck other people! I'm sure there's some small percentage of people out there that like to fuck bunnies, but that hardly seems like a very profitable demographic! I mean, I put it to you: Have you ever seen a bunny that you ACTUALLY had the hots for? [file photo of two Playboy Bunnies shown] THAT DOESN'T COUNT!
- Elmer: Erhahahahahahahaha...
- Nostalgia Critic: [skipping his usual opening line] There is no curse in Elvish, Entish, or the tongues of Men for this treachery! Last week, I officially launched my new website ThatGuyWithTheGlasses.com. To advertise it, I created a trailer filled with zooming text, bright flashes and some fast-speed editing. Not a few days later, I posted a detailed list of what movies I was gonna review next. First, a short tribute to Animaniacs, and then The Wizard—a 1980's film that was sponsored by Nintendo. Right now, I'm about half-way through editing and so far, no complaints. But then, less than 24 hours later, take a look at what the Angry Video Game Nerd posted on his site! [shows the trailer] Gee! It's a trailer! Filled with zooming text, bright flashes and some fast-speed editing! Oh! And it also turns out that the guy who reviews nothing but video games is also reviewing a movie! Which movie, you may ask? Well, how about The fucking Wizard? [beat] You, dirty, stuck-up, sadistic, shit-eating, cock-sucking, butt-fucking, penis-smelling, crotch-grabbing, ball-licking, semen-drinking, dog-raping, Nazi-loving, child-touching, cow-humping, perverted, spineless, heartless, mindless, dickless, testicle-choking, urine-gargling, jerk-offing, horse-faced, sheep-fondling, toilet-kissing, self-centered, feces-puking, dildo-shoving, snot-spitting, crap-gathering, big-nosed, monkey-slapping, bastard-screwing, bean-shitting, fart-knocking, sack-busting, splooge-tasting, bear-blowing, head-swallowing, bitch-snatching, handjobbing, donkey-caressing, mucus-spewing, anal-plugging, ho-grabbing, uncircumcised, sewer-sipping, whore mongering, piss-swimming, midget-munching, douche bag, ho-biting, carnivorous, mail-order prostituting ASSHOLE! You just couldn't let me get to it first, could ya?! You just had to steal my thunder! So, it seems that the Angry Video Game Nerd has officially become the Irate Gamer to my incredible genius! [crowd boos] OK, OK, all right... that was too far. But still, the evidence stands. I posted my list of reviews on April 21, and the Angry Video Game Nerd posted his review on April 22. That means he had to write the material, set up the shots, shoot the video, transfer it, edit it, and post it on his website, all in less than 24 hours. [beat] What kind of sick, jealous rage pushes a man to such limits?
- Nostalgia Critic: I DON'T wanna review this movie. I really don't. There are just some things in this world you don't wanna watch, and you don't think you ever have to... but SO many people have requested that I review it that I simply have no choice.
- Nostalgia Critic: I have to tell you, I had a hard time finding this damn film, not because it's rare or anything, but because there's like a million of them! How am I supposed to know where to start? There's one called Pokemon Heroes—is THAT the first movie? There's another called Mewtwo Strikes Back—is THAT the first movie? There's another one called Pokemon 2000; well, what the hell does that mean? Is it the date it came out or is it the 2,000th film? There's so damn many of them, I'd believe either one! Finally, I found it: a VHS copy of the first movie that is literally titled Pokemon: The First Movie. I mean, how cocky do you have to be to literally call your first movie "The First Movie"?! It's like they knew they were gonna have a bajillion sequels, so they decided to call it "The First Movie" just to make it easy for us! That's like naming the first Lord of the Rings film "Lord of the Rings: Don't Worry, We're Gonna Have a Shitload of Sequels". [Pikachu blinks in confusion.]
- Nostalgia Critic: So the Pokemon stop fighting and have a good cry at the loss of their fallen hero. But wait a minute. Oh, they CAN'T be. I mean I knew this movie was bad but, nah, it's not possible, this movie can't possibly be that stupid. OH MY GOD, THEY ARE. They're using their tears of unfathomable sadness to bring their hero back to life. Suck my balls. I mean how much more cliched can you get? And on top of that, what kind of lesson is that to teach your kids? If you cry hard enough dead people will come back from the grave? BULLSHIT. At least in a Disney film when someone is dead, they stay dead. How would you like it if in The Lion King you heard somebody say "Don't worry, Simba, if you cry hard enough, your father will come back from the grave. I don't see his eyes opening. I guess you're not crying hard enough. Go on Simba, cry! CRY! Don't you want your father to come back to life? Do you want him to stay dead forever? Cry harder, Simba. Harder. Harder! HARDER! I guess you don't love your father enough. Oh well, thats the circle of life kid, tough break".
- Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, Jimmy and Corey stop off at a bus station, where they discover that Jimmy has a talent for getting high points on Double Dragon.
- Corey: You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?
- Nostalgia Critic: There, they come across Haley, a girl who also happens to be running away.
- Haley: What's his problem?
- Corey: He's just shy.
- Haley: Shy a few bricks, I'd say.
- Corey: Just kicked ass on Double Dragon.
- Haley: Get outta here. Him?
- Corey: Yeah, he could wax your tail.
- Haley: No way.
- Corey: Wanna bet?
- Haley: How much?
- Corey: Got a bus ticket? Could cash it in.
- Nostalgia Critic: What kids talk like this?! I mean, seriously! They all talk like 1980's businessmen! I mean, who raised them, Donald Trump?
- Trump: You're fired.
- Nostalgia Critic: While that's going on, Mr. Putman finally locates the kids, outside the swimming pool at a local- WAIT A MINUTE! [zooms in on an old man wearing a speedo] What the hell?! Who greenlighted the old man in a speedo?
- Mr. Putnam: I've been followin' you across two states-
- Nostalgia Critic: No no no no no no, I'm sorry, I can't focus with an old man's BUTT cheeks hanging out in the background! I mean what were they thinking? Did somebody actually look at this scene and say, "You know what's missing here? An old man's package. That would really add some much needed drama."
- Nick: That's disgusting.
- Nostalgia Critic: And if you think this movie can't possibly get anymore uncomfortable, just listen to this.
- Haley: [screams and points at Mr. Putnam] He touched my breast!
- [shows NC with a shocked look]
- Mr. Putnam: I touched her breast...she doesn't have any breasts.
- [shows NC with an even more shocked look]
- Mr. Putnam: [being carried out by police] Put me down!
- Nostalgia Critic: Nintendo. It makes you wanna touch children.
- Fake Nintendo Announcer: Now you're playing with pedophilia... and that's just wrong.
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, alright, Jimmy—the little child prodigy in the movie! Surely spending your entire life just playing video games can't get you any kind of fame. [chuckles slightly]
- [NC noticed something strange at this photo of Jimmy's. He mouths and spits out the marker lid. He draws two circles on Jimmy's eyes, then...]
- Nostalgia Critic: OH MY GOD!
- [the glasses he had drawn on the photo became clear—that it foretold of someone quite similar to his work!]
- Nostalgia Critic: [roars into the reaches of space] NERD...!
Top 11 Naughtiest Animaniacs Moments
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: [starting in low spirits] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. [sighs] Well guys, this is it. The Big One. The shit stopper. The constipation of American cinema. A bowl of black edge from which nothing of any value can possibly be removed. What is said to be one of the worst films of all time. I'm, of course, talking about the indescribable terror that is Joel Schumacher's Batman & Robin. [the films' title and scenes play] We're talking about a movie that's so bad, that lawyers are making reasonable arguments that their client's crime may be horrible, but at least they didn't make Batman & Robin. And in the remotest parts of Southeast Asia, it is still considered the number one preferred form of execution.
- [clip from Kentucky Fried Movie]
- Dr. Klahn: [dubbed in Chinese by the Critic while the subtitles below show] Show him Batman and Robin!
- CIA Agent: NO! NO, PLEASE! ANYTHING BUT THAT!
- Nostalgia Critic: So, as you can tell, I am not looking forward to reviewing this stinker.
- [after detailing the history of the previous Batman movies]
- Nostalgia Critic: ...And seeing how this is one of the worst films of all time, special precautions have been made today to prevent me from killing myself. For example, uh, all sharp objects have been removed from the building, they took away my tie, so I don't hang myself and, oh, they also padded the edge of my glasses so I won't jab them in the sides of my throat. BUT... [removes his hat, taking a pill from inside it] they didn't count on my cyanide pills! So, let's look at just how bad Batman & Robin really is. [movie starts with Batman and Robin suiting up] Well, this doesn't seem so bad, they're just suiting up, there's the Batmobile, the music's nice... Maybe this won't be so horrible, after all.
- Robin: I want a car! [Batman stares at him] Chicks dig the car!
- Batman: This is why Superman works alone...
- [Critic puts the pill in his mouth and tries reaching for the water, but someone intervenes, forcing the pill out and restraining him.]
- Nostalgia Critic: No, no, I can't do it! [cries out]
- Nostalgia Critic: So Batman comes busting in along with his sidekick Robin on his motorcycle. As a fight rages, we get an onslaught of lame one-liners and over-the-top stunts.
- Robin: [as Batman saves a vase] Nice catch!
- Batman: You break it, you buy it.
- Nostalgia Critic: In fact, you may notice a similarity to another familiar style. Can't quite put your finger on it? Maybe this will help...
- [the museum fight/hockey game scene is replayed with the 1969 series' theme playing over it, as well as the punch sounds and images from that mentioned show.]
- Nostalgia Critic: That's right. This Batman movie has stopped moving forward with it's dark storyline and complex character development has instead gone back to the campy, bright and colorful style of the Adam West TV show. [Critic stares at the camera as he slowly leans in, in an uncomfortable way, and makes a desperate face when he's close.] HELP!
- Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, the Batman who used to hide from the limelight and steal any hidden photographs taken of him is now making public appearances at a sexist auction where men bid on good-looking women to take out on a date. While there, they come across the seductive Poison Ivy, who blows a hypnotizing perfume that makes men bow to her every will. And as you sadly might have guessed, Batman and Robin actually start bidding on her.
- Batman: One million dollars.
- Robin: Two million.
- Batman: Three million.
- Robin: Four million.
- Batman: Five million.
- Robin: That's a utility belt, not a money belt. Six million.
- Batman: Seven million. [flashes his Bat Credit Card, while a cash register sound effect plays] Never leave the cave without it.
- Nostalgia Critic: A Bat Credit Card? They gave him a Bat Credit Card? They had the BALLS to give one of the greatest superheroes of all time a Bat... CREDIT CARD?!?! NO! NO! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE! IT'S INSANE! [he begins to shout angry gibberish as he is restrained by an unidentified man wearing a blood-stained lab coat. The next screen says "20 Minutes Later..." before cutting back to a much calmer Critic] I apologize for that outrage. It was childish and immature. I just get a little peeved when I see one of my childhood icons carrying... A BAT CREDIT CARD?! YOU BASTARDS! I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU! ALL OF YOU WILL DIE AND YOU'LL GET THE GAS! [he is restrained by the doctor again, a new screen says "One Hour Later..." and we see him afterwords with a noticeably more disheveled appearance as he clears his throat, inhales and continues...] RAPE MY CHILDHOOD WILL YOU?!?!?! YOU'LL ALL DIE! YOU WILL ALL DIE! [One more time he is restrained, the next screen says "Seven Hours Later..." and he finally resumes the review with a sharp intake of breath] OK... I'm fine, I'm cool, I'm fine, I'm fine. So after Batman uses the... you know what...
- Nostalgia Critic: You know what, the only thing that's missing from this is for Poison Ivy to yell "Curses!" Go ahead, say it. Say it! I dare you! I double-dare you, motherfucker! You know you want to! You know you want to do every cliché in the book! Go ahead! Say it! Say it! SAY IT!
- Poison Ivy: Curses!
- Nostalgia Critic: [waving his hat in the air, flipping out] GODDAMN THIS MOVIE! [sets his hat back on his head] IT DID IT! IT FINALLY DID IT! BATMAN HAS DRIVEN ME BATSHIT CRAZY! [goes completely insane, imitating Woody Woodpecker, but then takes a pill that seems to relax him.] Tranquilizers. Always come prepared when Schumacher's involved.
- Nostalgia Critic: [to Mary Poppins' "Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious"] It's supercrapafuckerificexpialibullshit. A film so bad the censors really oughta go and pull it, sadly there's not many words that only rhyme with bullshit. super-crap-a-fuck-ariffic-expiala-bullshit! Fuck-alily-fuck-alie, fuck-alily-fuck-alie. Here's a film that's so awful I'd rather have a guy...come circumcise me with an ax and poke me in the eye. I'd rather drink a giant bowl of ape and monkey splooge, and there's another MILLION things that I would rather do! Super-crap-a-fuck-ariffic-expiala-bullshit! A film so bad the censors really oughta go and pull it, sadly there's not many words that only rhyme with bullshit, super-crap-a-fuck-ariffic-expiala-BULLSHIT! ...No, really, though, it's awful.
Top 11 Catchiest Theme Songs
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Stone's team didn't just do theme songs though, they did ALL the music for the shows. Every little melody, every musical segue, and the only song in the world that actually made you wanna learn geography.
- Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!
- Nostalgia Critic: Goddamn this song. From the minute you hear it, it is never gonna leave your head. This song tormented so many children, I can't even explain it. You think you're trying to answer the questions on your math test, but nope, all you're thinking about is...
- Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!
- Nostalgia Critic: You think you're playing basketball with your teammates, but nope, all you're thinking about is...
- Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!
- Nostalgia Critic: You think you're about to achieve enlightenment, the pearly gates of knowledge are opening up, and all of the secrets of the universe are about to be revealed. [beat] BUT NO! ALL YOU'RE THINKING ABOUT IS...
- Singers: [singing] DuckTales, whoo-oo!
- Nostalgia Critic: It will never leave, it will never leave! It's like an addiction! You think you're over it. You think, I only know a few lyrics of the song. Uh, what is, um, [speaking the lyrics; gradually getting more fast-paced] "Life is like a hurricane here in Duckburg, race cars, lasers, airplanes, it's a duck blur, might solve a mystery, or rewrite history, DuckTales, whoo-hoo, ev'ry day they're out there making DuckTales, whoo-hoo, tales of derring-do, bad and good luck tales, whoo-hoo, d-d-d-danger lurks behind you, there's a stranger out to find you, what to do, just grab onto some DuckTales! Whoo-hoo!" I mean, once you hear it once, it will never ever go away. And you wanna know what the creepy thing is? I think this show stayed on the air strictly because of the theme song! I mean, think about it: What do you actually remember about this show? I remember Scrooge, his nephews, a pilot who crashed a lot... and that's it! I don't remember a goddamn other thing about this show! This show literally kept bringing us back simply because of the song. It is that powerful. So now that you've heard the catchiest nostalgia song of all time, tell the people. Warn them. Don't let them hear the song, because once it gets into your head, it buries its way into your brain, festering, festering, until it balloons into a gigantic ball of human waste that will eat you alive! Warn the people! Warn the people... [breaks down and cries; after a beat, he's suddenly normal again] I'm The Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to.
90's Sports Montage
[edit]- Referee: He's right! Ain't no rule that says that dogs can't play basketball!
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, of course! It doesn't say in the rule book that I can't bring a dog in to play basketball. What was I thinking? And you want to know what else? I'm pretty sure it doesn't say anywhere that I can't bring rollerskating black bears in, either. Or how about professionally-trained, tap dancing orangutans? Or how about a giant, urinating elephant with one testicle who can sing the entire classical works of Andrew Lloyd Webber? Is that in the rule book? Is it? IS IT? It is? Holy shit, how amazingly specific.
Top 11 Drug PSAs
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Pee-Wee Herman talking to me about crack is absolutely HILARIOUS. If it were Paul Reubens, the actor who plays Pee-Wee, talking to me about crack, maybe that might have some merit. But, when Pee-Wee Herman, not Paul Reubens, says "This... is crack", I die a little inside. I die of laughter. And I know I look all calm and put together, but when I first watched this, I had to go through HOURS and HOURS of laughter to get to this point. That's laughter probably off the end of my life that I'll never get back. It is THAT hilarious.
- Nostalgia Critic: You may also notice that anytime there's trouble, it's Kwame that initiates calling Captain Planet.
- Kwame: [in various scenes] Let our powers combine!
- Nostalgia Critic: Why does he get to call the shots? I mean that's a lot of power. Can you imagine if he didn't want to say those words?
- [cut to a scene where the Planeteers are facing a huge danger.]
- Wheeler: [voiced by Critic] Oh man, we're in a tight jam! [long pause] Uh, Kwame, don't you have something to say?
- Kwame: [also voiced by Critic] I'm not going to say it. Not until you apologize for stiffing me on the bill at Olive Garden.
- Wheeler: Aw c'mon man, I was short on cash!
- Kwame: And I look like Don fuckin' King to you?!
- Wheeler: [sighs] Alright, I'm sorry.
- Kwame: Then let our powers combine!
- Wheeler: [under his voice] Douche.
- Kwame: What?
- Wheeler: Nothing!
- Nostalgia Critic: [rolls his eyes] Weird.
- Doctor: There are only a few ways to contract the virus — using drugs with needles, unprotected sex or.. he could've gotten it from that blood transfusion he had a few years back.
- Nostalgia Critic: These kids are just learning how to spell "blue"! Don't tell them about drugs or unprotected sex! What the hell's wrong with you!?
- Todd Andrews: Who cares how I got it!? It stinks! [storms out]
- Nostalgia Critic: There you have it folks, the understatement of the century — AIDS stinks. And here's another thing I just found out: Hitler was a dork.
- Nostalgia Critic: Now, the host of this show is probably the greatest game show host that ever walked the planet: Marc Summers. Why is he so great? Well, a couple of reasons. First of all, he has to talk about total nonsense throughout the entire show and make it sound like it's intense TV. I mean, how much can you talk about half of this stuff?
- Marc Summers: Shake that banana tree!/Can they get the milk on them?/Yes, they've caught one!/Now you need some sausage!/You rolled out of your taco! You gotta get back in your taco!
- Nostalgia Critic: How many game show hosts are there that can say, with all seriousness, "get back in your taco"? Second, he gets just as much into this show as the rest of the audience, screaming and yelling and even getting messy sometimes. Third and definitely not least, this guy was obsessive-compulsive! [record scratches] You heard right: OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE! That means he likes everything clean, neat, and symmetrical. Oh... my... God! That is total devotion to your work! I mean, look at all this. They went through his house and moved around a few things, and there he is, down on the floor, straightening the rug, moving the chairs, fixing the curtains— I mean, this is how bad he was.
- Marc Summers: OCD is all about compulsive rituals, and mine were about cleanliness and making things symmetrical.
- Nostalgia Critic: And this guy had to do Double Dare?! The sloppiest and messiest game show that ever aired on TV?! Give this man a fucking medal! I'm serious, dude, if you can't find a medal to fit the situation, make one up. In fact, I'll make one up! Marc Summers, on behalf of children everywhere, I present you the honorary "Dude, You Got Balls" Award. You deserved it, man. You deserved it.
3 Ninjas
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Now I know what you're thinkin': I'm not giving studio moguls enough credit. I mean, nobody could be so financially desperate or creatively shallow to attempt such an act. I mean, are they really so stupid enough to combine movies like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone? [beat] THEY ARE WHEN THEY FRIGGIN' ADVERTISE IT LIKE THAT! Take a look. [holds up DVD cover] "Crosses Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with Home Alone", right on the front cover! Abandon all originality, ye who enter here! [throws DVD cover aside with a loud crash] Now, with that said, I'm sure a lot of you are thinking, "How bad can a film crossover between Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Home Alone possibly be?" [beat] Pretty bad.
- Nostalgia Critic: So, all right, we see where the Ninja Turtles references come from, but what about the Home Alone stuff? Well, Snyder decides he wants to kidnap the three boys and hold them ransom so he can keep their father off his case. So he hires three surfer criminals to abduct the kids and bring them to his lair.
- Jeffrey: The good news is, the delivery guy... just came in the babysitter with the pizza. The bad news is, they're carrying guns.
- Nostalgia Critic: At first, the kids wanna do the smart thing and notify the authorities.
- Samuel: We'll call the police.
- Jeffrey: Hold it! If we can take these three robbers ourselves...
- Samuel: Then maybe dad will see that our ninja training's worth it!
- Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Summer training or probable death? [pretends to weigh options] I guess I'd go with summer training, too.
- Nostalgia Critic: After fighting like a zillion ninjas and an oversized bodyguard, Grampa shows up to take on the evil Snyder in a one-on-one battle. And this is the portion I like to call "Spot the real Grampa!" [as the battle goes on] Let's see here. Stuntman, stuntman, stuntman, GRAMPA! Stuntman, stuntman, stuntman, GRAMPA! After a while, Grampa starts to tire and eventually starts to get his ass kicked. But just when it looks like he's down for the count, Grampa still has one ace up his sleeve. [Grampa jams jellybeans into Snyder's mouth]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Snyder] JELLYBEANS! MY ONE WEAKNESS!
Top 11 Hottest Animated Women
[edit]Bébé's Kids (video game)
[edit]- Kyle Justin: [parodying the Angry Video Game Nerd's theme song]
- He's gonna take you back to the past
- To ball these reviews outta his ass
- He'd rather have...
- a crocodile...
- pin 'em down and suck on his cock!
- He'd rather eat...
- some rotten dog shit...
- then drown it down with Rolling Rock!
- (Critic spits out the Rolling Rock)
- He's the world's biggest and greatest cynic
- He's the Angry Video Game Critic
- He's the Angry Video Game...
- Critic.
- Nostalgia Critic: [when talking about the movie] The film was so bad that even the trailer couldn't make it sound good, I mean, listen to this tagline:
- [ Bébé's Kids: It's animation?]
- Nostalgia Critic: And that's about all they can say about it.
- Nostalgia Critic: [while fighting enemies] Ha ha! I beat him! I actually beat him! There is a go-
- [Time out!]
- Nostalgia Critic: A time limit? There's a time limit? I can eat my way through a WALL faster than I can defeat these assholes and there's a time... limit?!
- [in the haunted house maze stage]
- Nostalgia Critic: Wait, it's going blue! Yes! It means I'm getting somewhere! Yes, I'm out! I KNEW I COULD DO IT! THERE IS A GO-
- [Time out!]
- Nostalgia Critic: [furious, speechless face; then lets out a mighty, dinosaur-like ROAR]
- [Critic yanks the game cartridge out of the SNES and repeatedly smashes it with a hammer]
- Nostalgia Critic: DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE! DIE!
- [He then beats the cartridge with his fist, jumps up and down on it, gnaws on it with his teeth, repeatedly beats it with his fists, shoots it with a gun, beats it with a hammer so more, spits on it and finally stamps his foot on the smashed cartridge and rubs it into the carpet.]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, apparently going to the left side of the book case drops you off in one room. And going to right side of the book case drops you off in another. THAT'S... JUST... IM... POSSIBLE! I MEAN, THINK ABOUT IT! [shows us a bookcase sample] If a bookcase opens up, it spins around in a circle so that means there could only be one room. Because if there was a wall separating the two rooms, the bookcase wouldn't open. So how can it lead to two separate rooms? It can't, Bébé's Kids! IT JUST CAN'T!
- [completes the glass level] Alright, so I finally beat the glass level, what's next? [dissolves out and dissolves back in to show a leven similar to the level before the glass level] HOLY HELL! IT'S THE EXACT SAME LEVEL AGAIN? [cuts to Nostalgia Critic. He pulls the game out and puts it on the shelf, aiming his gun at it. After a minute of contemplation, he fires at the roof] NERD!
- Nostalgia Critic: THIS IS THE WORST GAME I'VE EVER PLAYED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! IT SUCKS ASS, IT SUCKS BALLS, IT JUST... SUCKS! [points at screen] Well, if you think this is gonna get rid of me, Angry Video Game Nerd, you are much mistaken. Sure, I will need years of psychological therapy to recover from this, but that doesn't mean you've heard the last of me! All I can say, Angry Video Game Nerd, is fuck this game and fuck you for making me play it!
- Kyle Justin: [singing] He's the Angry Video Game...
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, shut up! [leaves]
- Kyle Justin: ...Critic.
The Search For The Nostalgia Chick
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: I could tell you what the story is about, but why not let He-Man tell you himself?
- Prince Adam: I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull.
- Nostalgia Critic: A prince, really. I, uh... never would've guessed.
- Prince Adam: Fabulous secret powers were revealed to me, the day I held aloft my sword and said, "By the power of Grayskull!"
- Nostalgia Critic: I... guess he was just going through that holding aloft his magic sword and saying "By the power of Grayskull" phase. But luckily they happen to contain super powers.
- He-Man: And I became... He-Man, the most powerful man in the universe!
- [He-Man punches the sceen, then there is a flash and we see the credit "Lou Scheimer - Executive Producer"]
- Nostalgia Critic: Except for Lou Scheimer, who apparently always gets top billing.
- Nostalgia Critic: And speaking of gay, just look at this first action sequence and tell me there's no homoerotic themes going on here.
- [The action scene plays focusing more on He-Man's rather porn-ish expressions and his muscles and abs rather than any fighting sequences]
- Singers: It's okay to be gay, let's rejoice with the voice
- In the gay way
- Hooray for the kind of man that you will find
- In the gay way
- Nostalgia Critic: It's like Star Wars — only gayer.
- [suddenly, a Skeletor soldier is shot in his balls]
- Nostalgia Critic: Dude, did he just zap that guy in the crotch!? Actually, there's a lot of shots to the crotch in this movie, talk about great balls of fire! But, hey, no gay overtones...
- Nostalgia Critic: So it turns out Skeletor has also captured an enchanted sorceress known as... well, the Sorceress. He-Man tries to negotiate for her freedom.
- He-Man: Let her go.
- Skeletor: I don't think so.
- Nostalgia Critic: Negotiation's over!
- [all hell breaks loose with a shootout]
- Nostalgia Critic: He-Man tries to save the Sorceress but appears outnumbered. So Gwildor opens up the key and sends them to another dimension. It's like Back to the Future! Only... gayer. So He-Man and his team use the cosmic key to end up in which parallel dimension? Ours, of course — right dab in the middle of New Jersey. So let me get this straight. He-Man, the Master of the Universe, is going to use all his intergalactic weaponry and medieval-style fighting moves... in the suburbs of New Jersey!? [looks around, crying] This is gonna suck, isn't it?
- Lubic: Holy shit!
- Nostalgia Critic: Everyone eventually meets up at a record store, where I swear to God the weirdest combination of lines and images come together. I mean, just try watching this whole scene with a straight face.
- Lubic: Freeze, all of you! Let's start with you, blondie.
- [Gwildor shows up looking like a 80's pimp]
- Gwildor: He-Man, He-Man!
- Lubic: What the hell is that?
- Gwildor: Neutrino Drive, IT'S HIM!
- He-Man: Gwildor, how long to calculate the coordinates and take us home?
- Teela: [to Lubic] If you'd rather stay here and face Evil-Lyn's commandos, that's fine with me.
- Kevin: Look, believe me, sir, you wouldn't.
- Nostalgia Critic: Alright — someone has gone batshit crazy! It's either me, or the movie makers. Either way, I am very concerned.
- Lubic: I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone or something!
- Nostalgia Critic: I can't do it! I can't make fun of Sesame Street! It's the first show I ever saw! I'm sorry about the gay joke, Bert and Ernie! Whatever your sexual preferences are is none of my business. I'm sorry, Grover, I'm sorry, Big Bird, I'm sorry, everybody! [cries] I love you all! You're all so beautiful and innocent to me! You are childhood! I can't do it! I'm finished! I'm done! Get someone else to review the movie. I can't do it! [walks off-screen to talk with someone] Hey, you! You want 20 bucks? Go review this movie!
- Chester A. Bum: Hooray! [sits in the Critic's chair] Oh, I am here to review... what's the name of this movie again?
- Nostalgia Critic: [off-screen] Follow That Bird!
- Chester A. Bum: OH MY GOD! This is the greatest movie I've ever seen in my life!
- Nostalgia Critic: But, for those few years of misled optimism, we had the Saturday morning hit Saved By the Bell. Before Hannah Montana, Lizzie McGuire, or any of those other high school sitcoms, Saved By the Bell was the first to fork out beautiful teenagers with hideous clothes saying horrible lines to an entire crowd...of canned laughter.
- Nostalgia Critic: All right, now, I have to warn you: This next scene, where Zack shows himself in his brand new look is... [sighs] is one of the funniest things ever put on television. It will cause laughter beyond your control. Just remember to breathe: Inhale, and exhale. This HAS been known to kill people. People have actually died from laughter. Just want you to keep that in mind before you watch this. Take a deep breath... [inhales and exhales] All right, let's watch the scene. [Zack comes in and the Critic bursts out laughing for a really long time] He looks like Vanilla Ice's bitch! [he continues laughing and eventually stops] I think I just orgasmed.
- Nostalgia Critic: In the opening credits, we see Tom and Jerry doing what they do best, which is chase each other. [credit reading "Featuring the voices of" comes up] And... here's our first problem: voice actors. Tom and Jerry had little to no voice actors in their cartoons. But hey, maybe the slapstick will be funny. [upon seeing the imitation of the teeth breaking gag from Tee for Two; he sighs] Even the slapstick is wrong! I mean this is Tom's yell. [shows clip of Tom getting his tail caught in a giant mousetrap, he screams loudly.] And here's the movie's. [shows Tom (here voiced by Richard Kind) screaming as seen in the credits, he seems to just shout "YOW!"] God, that's nowhere near as funny. [a clip shows Tom peeling in half after being cut] And look at this, when Tom gets cut in half in the cartoon, it's humorous. [back to the credits] When he gets cut in the movie... [Jerry slices Tom with a sword, when Tom peels apart his insides appear to be red] Oh my god! That's blood! They have to show blood in this, what are they fucking psychos? [A credit mentions Joseph Barbera Yeah, here's a real joke. "Creative Consultant: Joseph Barbera". That just means they went up to him everyday and asked, "Is this destroying your creation? Is this nothing like your original vision?" "Yes." "Good!"
- Nostalgia Critic: [spits out some water after Tom and Jerry talk] What the hell!? Did they just talk!? Did Tom and Jerry, one of the most famous silent duos of all time, just speak to each other? No. No, no, no, no, it's gotta be a mistake. I gotta be hearing things. I'm just gonna go ahead and eat my customary 3 pound watermelon and drink my traditional pitcher of sangria both at the same time while I confirm how wrong I was about this ridiculous misunderstanding. [begins to do just that]
- Tom: Whaddya you think I am, a dummy?
- Jerry: You said it!
- Nostalgia Critic: [does a more extreme spit take] HOLY CRAP! They talked! they actually talked! The Apocalypse has finally begun, pigs are learning how to fly, Satan is skating his way to work, and I'm pretty sure I just became a monkey's uncle! Unbelievable, I mean just unbelievable. The one rule that you never break, and they broke it in the first 10 minutes. I mean, isn't that like one of the 10 Commandments or something? Thou shalt not lie, thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife, Tom and Jerry... don't... talk! But wait, it gets worse! Not only can they talk, but they can also sing!
- Nostalgia Critic: ..my God. Tom and Jerry are...dead. [he lifts up his DVD of the original Tom and Jerry cartoons] Alas, poor Tom and Jerry, I knew them, viewing audience. [scenes of old Tom and Jerry cartoons play over the cover to the DVD while the Critic speaks in a voiceover] Two fellows of infinite jest and of most excellent fancy. They had borne me on many hilarious antics a thousand times; and now, how abhorred in my imagination it is! My gorge rims at it, whatever the hell that means. Here hung those lips that have been mangled I know not how oft. Where be your screams now? Your torn limbs? Your shattered teeth? Your set of bowling pins that were wont to set children and adults at a roar?! Not one now, to mock your antics. Your skirt has fallen. Now, get you to Hollywood's chamber, and tell them, let them stop this douchebaggery that shocks and terrorizes those with most excellent humor. And show them what made such great laughter so great. Make them laugh at that...shit fuckers.
- Nostalgia Critic: So while in the pet prison, guess who they bump into. [Droopy is shown] No. Not him. [Pugsy is seen and Critic gasps] YOU! YOU KILLED TOM AND JERRY! YOU TURNED THEM INTO FRIENDS AND RUINED THE FRANCHISE!
- Pugsy: What!? [his head is blown off]
- Nostalgia Critic: So Tom and Jerry find Robyn, but unfortunately, Captain Pedophile is holding her ransom for a million dollar reward her aunt promised. On top of that, Dr. Applecheeks hears about the reward and wants to get her, too. But unfortunately, he was tossed out of the car he was in, so he has to find another form of transportation. [The doctor sneaks up creepily on an empty ice cream cart, and the shot fades to black] What the hell was that about? Was he gonna... sexually assault it? I mean, what the hell?
Top 11 Saddest Nostalgic Moments
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, for crying out loud, how can a movie make me feel bad for something that died eons ago?
- Nostalgia Critic: JESUS! And on top of that, every other second, he walks right past his family as they just barely miss each other. Just turn your head to the left, dammit!
- Fievel: Papa!
- Papa: Fievel?
- Nostalgia Critic: No, no, no, go back, go back, go back!
- Papa: Fievel!
- Fievel: I'm coming, Papa!
- Nostalgia Critic: No, no, the other way, the other way, the other way!
- Papa: Fievel!
- Nostalgia Critic: God damn it, Just get together! Oh, thank God!
- Nostalgia Critic: Number 4: The death of Charlotte, from Charlotte's Web. Ok, so maybe all spiders don't look quite as cute and lovable as Charlotte did[shows a close-up of a real spider's face], but that doesn't mean we weren't all affected when she spent the last days of her life helping out a damn pig. It wouldn't be so bad, except she talks about her death like she's going out to the store.
- Charlotte: I'm done for, Wilbur. In a while, I'll be dead.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Wilbur] Oh, well, I guess that's cool — WHA?! [normal voice] And as if that wasn't bad enough, she actually sings a song before she dies.
- Charlotte: [singing] The autumn days grow short and cold.
- Nostalgia Critic: Now that's the sign of a true hard working entertainer: working behind the scenes, never taking the credit, and leaving on a song. What a showman — or show spider.
- Wilbur: Charlotte? Charlotte! [Wilbur starts crying]
- Nostalgia Critic: I'll never use a can of Raid again! [starts crying]
- Nostalgia Critic: But watch what comes immediately after. ["Let's Sing a Gay Little Spring Song"] What the hell? It's like we can't let reality set in too deep, so here's some pretty birdies! Ooh, look at the birdies, look at the birdies, nobody's dead, nobody's dead, it's just birdies, birdies... You still sad? You still sad? Oh, look at the keys! Look at the keys, the pretty little keys! [More of the song scene, with the words "Death isn't a big deal" over it] Can you imagine if they did that with OTHER Disney films?
Nostalgia Chick Winner
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: [commenting on a soldier rising from the water] This scene right here is obviously referencing Francis Ford Coppola's Apocalypse Now, because as we all know, they are both on the exact same emotional wavelength.
- Colonel Kurtz: Horror... has a face. And you must make a friend of horror.
- Johnny: What's tall, dark, wears a patch, and always seem to be on my butt?
- Nostalgia Critic: It's almost as if Ford Coppola directed BOTH movies!
- Nostalgia Critic: So that's Surf Ninjas, one of the greatest movies—no, no—greatest things of all time. How can a movie be so great, so wonderful and so unbelievably groundbreaking? Because there's no movie like "Surf Ninjas"! There's no movie like "Surf Ninjas"! There's no movie like "Surf Ninjas"... There's no movie like "Surf Ninjas"... There's no movie like...
- [...]
- Nostalgia Critic: ..Surf Ninjas...
- Man: Nostalgia Critic...
- Nostalgia Critic: There's no film like Surf Ninjas...
- Man: Nostalgia Critic...
- Nostalgia Critic: There's no film like Surf— [slapped] ow!
- Man: Wake up! [NC see three men by his side]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh... Bhargo! Rob! Mike! What happened to me?
- Bhargo: You got shot in the head pretty good there, Nostalgia Critic.
- Nostalgia Critic: But... how? How did it happen?
- Rob: Oh, that was me. I shot you in the head. Sorry.
- [flashback]
- Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't— [BLAM!]
- Rob: [offscreen] Sorry! My bad!
- [back to present]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, I had the most horrible dream! And you were there — and you, and you!
- Rob: Really?
- Nostalgia Critic: ..No..! I... I dreamt I was watching a horrible, horrible movie... and I liked it!
- Rob: What was it?
- Nostalgia Critic: Surf Ninjas...
- Rob: And how was it?
- Nostalgia Critic: IT WAS THE MOST GODAWFUL PIECE OF RETRO-SHIT THAT I EVER HAD TO SIT THROUGH IN MY ENTIRE—!
- Rob: Okay, okay, okay, calm down, calm down!
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, but... I'm me again! This is my room, and you're all here in glorious brown and white! And I'm never, ever gonna like anything ever, ever again!
- [singing] Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
- There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby...
- [The End]
- Nostalgia Critic: But wait a minute! [record scratch!] If I got shot in the head, then how did I survive?
- [cue chorus from Life of Brian; everyone looks beside them...]
- Nostalgia Critic: [gasp!] Optimus Prime?!
- Optimus Prime: Remember... I died for your sins.
- [...]
- Nostalgia Critic: Y'know, I really should've put him in the Top 11 Saddest Nostalgic Moments.
- All: Yeah... / Yeah. / Yeah...
- Nostalgia Critic: That was stupid.
Top 11 Animated Shows
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: And, of course, need we forget the catchiest theme song of all time? [The DuckTales theme plays] It will never leave, it will never leave! Plus, how DOES Scrooge McDuck dive into all that money without breaking his skull. Hasn't he converted to dollar bills yet?
- Nostalgia Critic: And the heroes don't always shout good catchphrases, sometimes they just shout...
- Tick: SPOON!
- Nostalgia Critic: ...spoon?
- Tick: Spoon!
- Nostalgia Critic: Number 4. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Looking back, I’ve noticed this is the stupidest idea in the entire world. I mean, just listen to the title. [theme song plays] What lobotomized monkey came up with that? I mean, it doesn’t even seem real. It sounds like a satire of another idea. But hey, it took the world by storm, me included. Why? Because it had action, big animals, and of course, a great sense of humor. I mean, they had Uncle Phil as The Shredder for crying out loud!
- The Shredder: I want this city to grovel at my feet, NOW!
- Philip Banks: I WANT ALL THESE FREELOADIN' PARASITES OUTTA HERE!
- [The Shredder laughs evilly, then Philip laughs evilly, and a caption reads "He's scarier as Uncle Phil!"]
- Nostalgia Critic: I think what made this show so popular is that is was combining two things that kids love: animals and action sequences. Throw in some outdated catchphrases like:
- Michelangelo: Reaallly righteous!
- Nostalgia Critic: ...and you have a show that's destined to be a hit! I think what really shocks me about this show is that it's actually worked twice! I mean, they released the show again recently, and it actually became a hit! So much so, that they actually made ANOTHER MOVIE based on it. I don't know who came up with this idea or how, [shows a guy smoking a bong] okay, maybe I do know how, but it doesn't matter! This show was a ton of fun, combining everything that kids loved at the time. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: an idea so stupid, it HAS to be good.
- Nostalgia Critic: It not only did a good job of making us laugh, but also educated us every once in a while. And actually made it fun. That's really hard to do! ["Wakko's America" from Animaniacs is shown] I know now forever that Baton Rouge is the capital of Louisiana. The rest I don't know, but it is one of those kids shows I can still watch as an adult and still totally enjoy.
- Nostalgia Critic: We took the show seriously because it took us seriously. It never played down to us or lightened the tone because we were kids, it gave us the straight Gothic stories that we all know and love. Proof that the legacy of the Dark Knight will always live on. All of this and more is why Batman is the GREATEST Animated Nostalgic TV Show.
- Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. To err is human, TO MAKE THE WORST PIECE OF HALF-ASS COW SHIT TO EVER STAR A BAD ACTING SEVEN FOOT BASKETBALL SUPERSTAR IS UNFORGIVABLE! [calms down] Sorry, sorry, it's just- Wow, is this one bad! I mean, you have no idea. If this movie was a dog, I'd have it put down. If this movie was a car, I'd have it impounded. If this movie was a starving young woman who pleaded to me for a bite of my hammy salami sandwich, I would kill her! Alright, that's a little dark, but, you get what I'm getting at, this is the kind of hatred this movie has driven me to. [takes a breath] If you haven't guess yet, I'm of course talking about the whimsical and magical journey that is Kazaam. It's un-inventive, unimaginative and unbelievably retarded. But, hey, don't take my word for it. Let's take a look! The movie stars Shaquille O'Neal. [the camera moves in a manner which imitates standing up] Sit back down! Apparently, back in the 90's, people thought if you could stare into a camera and say, "Drink Pepsi", you were considered a good actor.
- Kazaam: That's an insult!
- Nostalgia Critic: So Touchstone made a deal with Shaquille O'Neal to star in their latest family-friendly romp. In the movie, Shaquille plays, and I am quoting here, "A Rappin' Genie With Attitude, Who is Ready for Slam-Dunk Fun". [spits on the video and throws it] What they mean to say is that it's a corporate write-off designed to make a quick buck while entertaining mindless, port-a-dummy kids who think that just because a man can make a decent free-throw means he can make a decent crapped-out movie like this one. ["Shaq's free-throws actually blow chunks"]
- Kazaam: You know the rules, now comply. KAZAAM, HE GOT UNLIMITED SUPPLY!
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Kazaam gets closer to the camera] Oh my God, SHAQ'S GONNA EAT ME!
- Nostalgia Critic: [after he finishes his review, he starts to snicker] A job? He can't get a job. He's a genie! [laughing] That's pretty out there. [continues laughing then he stops] OUT OF MY HAIRY ASS! THIS MOVIE IS WRETCHED! A FESTERING SHAQ OF SHIT! If I had just one wish, one wish, it would be that this movie never existed! [unknown to Nostalgia Critic, his wish is granted; the screen fades to white to a magical chime, then fades back in] And that's why I have no doubt that Citizen Kane is one of the worst films of all time- [he looks at the DVD in shock while the audience boos] No, no, no, there's another movie. It was called Kazaam. No, no, no, it had Shaquille O'Neal. He was a genie; I swear to God, he was a rapping genie, he was in love with a kid- [a gunshot is heard then he is frightened] I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. [he leaves] I swear to God, it was a Genie. He was rapping to Dr. Seuss.
Dru Struzan Tribute
[edit]Halloween 08 Special
[edit]- [while the Critic is sleeping, Teddy Ruxpin, who is sitting on a desk across the room, opens his eyes and he begins to move. The Critic wakes up and sees that Teddy Ruxpin is on the floor. This confuses the Critic, but he decides it doesn't matter and lies back down. Before going to sleep, however, he turns his head to look again and sees that Teddy Ruxpin has moved across the floor. This perplexes the Critic, but he decides to ignore it again and settle back in. A disturbance makes him open his eyes again and he sees Teddy Ruxpin at the foot of his bed, staring at him]
- Nostalgia Critic: [putting his glasses on] Oh, it's you. How'd you get up here?
- Teddy Ruxpin: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I really, really like you.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, well, I don't like you, you little Berenstain bastard.
- Teddy Ruxpin: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I want to do horrible things to you.
- Nostalgia Critic: That's an... odd thing to say.
- Teddy Ruxpin: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I wanna Kill you!
- Nostalgia Critic: [nervously] OK, I think I'm just gonna take that little demented tape out of you right now and... [reaches around Teddy Ruxpin to the cassette port and as he pulls away the shirt that covers it, he finds that it's empty]
- Teddy Ruxpin: I'm Teddy Ruxpin and I didn't care very much for that review you did [long pause] Nostalgia Critic...!
- Nostalgia Critic: AH! [throws Teddy Ruxpin across the room and runs to the bathroom]
- [after his run-in with Teddy Ruxpin, the Critic runs into the bathroom where he washes his face and looks himself in the mirror]
- Nostalgia Critic: That wasn't real. That was just a figment of your imagination. [laughs nervously] You gotta lay off the wacky tobacky.
- Teddy Ruxpin: Oh, Mr. Critic! [comes into the bathroom where the Critic is] Why did you say all those mean things about me?
- Nostalgia Critic: [refusing to believe it] You're not real! You're just a... thing that's not very real!
- Teddy Ruxpin: Oh, dear. Then I guess I wouldn't be able to do this...
- [Ruxpin runs up and bites the Critic in the groin; the Critic lets out a yell of pain and tries to shake Ruxpin off of him, but Ruxpin clings to him, laughing maniacally]
- [at the end of the review, the Critic is sleeping and then suddenly Ruxpin creeps up to him and wakes him up by shoving a gun in his mouth]
- Teddy Ruxpin: Now, are you going to write another review? Or am I gonna have to get nasty?
- Nostalgia Critic: [nods] Yes, but first, tell me one thing... what the Hell are you?
- Teddy Ruxpin: You sure you want to know? [the Critic nods]
- Teddy Ruxpin: I'm the DEVIL! [His eyes glow red and the Nostalgia Critic screams endlessly as it cuts to black]
- [the Critic is back in his desk]
- Nostalgia Critic: [looking disheveled, eyes twitching] ...So as you can see, I've been entirely wrong about my Teddy Ruxpin. He's nice, charming, friendly, and not in the least bit evil, and I'd totally recommend him to anyone who has an over-active imagination. I'm the Nostalgia Critic and - HELP, HELP, THE DOLL'S ALIVE, HE'S GOING TO KILL ME! [Teddy Ruxpin notices him yelling and turns off the lights] HELP! WHAT? WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS? WHO TURNED OFF THE LIGHTS? [gunshot]
- Teddy Ruxpin: [With his glowing red eyes illuminating the darkness] Come dream with me tonight.
- Nostalgia Critic: Folks, why is it that movies based on video games always seem to suck monkey tits? I mean, think about it: Street Fighter, Mortal Kombat, Super Mario Bros., even films like The Wizard that just talked about video games always seem to suck. For whatever reason, they're certainly not getting any better. Don't believe me? Then check out the festering pile of elephant puke that Hollywood seems to have entitled Double Dragon, a movie so bad that I can't even come up with a clever analogy to sum how bad it is. Well, I'll try: IT'S THE MOST SHIT-SMACKING, WHORE-EATING, DISGUSTING PIECE OF RETRO-ASS I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY ENTIRE LIFE! No, THAT STILL DOESN'T SUM UP HOW BAD IT IS!
Top 11 Underrated Nostalgic Classics
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: On top of that, the eagle scenes are just phenomenal, one of the few on-screen moments that really simulates the illusion of flight. True it doesn't make sense how it takes place in Australia and only two of the characters have Australian accents, but then again, how come in Beauty and the Beast, only the candlestick has a French accent and no one else does?
- Nostalgia Critic: Some people are thrown off by the songs and the use of celebrities like Steve Martin and Martin Short. Does that make a Steve Martin Short?
- Nostalgia Critic: Of course, the Giant himself is pretty damn cool, too. He's made of metal, eats junkyards, and is voiced by Vin Diesel. BUY ME THAT!
- Nostalgia Critic: Dude, just plug in your Xbox and you'll forget about all your problems like everyone else your age!
- Nostalgia Critic: Its settings are harsh and uninviting, but it's Mrs. Brisby who pulls us through with her warmth and courage. Its ideas are complex, but not so much that kids can't follow it and understand it. The Secret of NIMH is powerful and intense, creating a world of nature, technology and magic. And it's, in my opinion, director Don Bluth's strongest work.
- Nostalgia Critic: A long time ago, a young filmmaker named George Lucas helped create a parallel dimension in a galaxy far, far away. It's a strange world with bizarre aliens and unbelievable creatures. A world that the sci-fi community will never, ever forge- okay the punchline is Howard the Duck.
- [a naked duck lady has just been shown in a bathtub with bare breasts]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God. It can't be... That cannot be real! That can NOT be REAL! [clip replays, beat] Is there any point in reviewing the rest of the movie?! I mean, you know I'm not gonna be able to top that! I don't care if he runs into Jar Jar Binks, the Care Bears, and Fonzie from Happy Days! There is no way in hell that I am going to beat... [switches to still picture of duck breasts with "DuckTits" written in DuckTales-style font, and the DuckTales theme song playing]
- Chorus: DuckTits, woo-hoo!
- Nostalgia Critic: I mean, what is the point? You're making a kids film starring a cute little duckie, and you start out with DuckTits?! Are you mad?! What creepy pervert thought that up?! [picture of George Lucas flashes on the screen] I mean, this movie is rated PG, right? This is considered PG material? Are you seriously telling me that showing female breasts is wrong, but showing Daisy's knockers isn't gonna cause any psychological damage? I think the people who rated this movie had psychological damage! I mean... EWW!
- [Beverley is watching over Howard as she sleeps]
- Beverley: What am I going to do with you?
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, roasted or extra crispy spring to mind.
- Nostalgia Critic: So it starts out with a mortal rekap of the first film: Liu Kang won the championship, Raiden never shut up, Johnny Cage and Sonya got together, I guess, and they even got out with some evil emperor's daughter called Kitana or something, I don't know, she's in the movie for like a minute, and they all live happily ever after. OR DO THEY? [ninjas come falling out of the sky, surrounding the Earth Realm warriors] It turns out that evil is approaching, as it starts raining Cirque du Soleil on our heroes, who find themselves surrounded by some nasty henchmen! But our fearless fighters are confident! As Liu Kang gets on his guard, Kitana readies for battle, Sonya prepares for... [sees that Sonya Blade is now played by a different actress] Who the hell's that? That's not Sonya, that's like a totally different actress. Raiden, what the hell's going on here? [sees that Raiden has got a new actor] DAGH! You're not Raiden! Johnny Cage, who are all these people?! [sees that Johnny Cage is also played by a new actor] AGH! You're not Johnny Cage! So wait a minute — if you're not Sonya, you're not Raiden, and you're not Johnny Cage... then what does that make me?!? [clips of the Cocoa Puffs commercial play, the Critic screams and lays his head on the table] Actually, it turns out that they got all new actors for these characters, which is kind of strange because the first film indicates that there will definitely be a sequel! So don't you think that they would have had the actors sign on for that? [pretends to be one of the original cast members talking to his agent on his cell phone] Frank, you're my agent, you gotta get me out of this movie sequel! I know I did the first one, but they don't even have enough money for a new opening sequence! ...Uh-huh... uh-huh... oh... Alright, I'll just have to fake my own death. [hangs up his cell phone, then sighs; whispering] I can't go back.
- Nostalgia Critic: [after the military sets up a huge pile of fish as bait for Godzilla] So our brilliant and obviously un-lizard-prone hero looks over this amazing sight.
- Niko: That's a lotta fish. [long pause]
- Nostalgia Critic: ...What?
- Niko: That's a lotta fish. [long pause]
- Nostalgia Critic: "That's a lotta fish." [mutters it again, thinking to himself] I don't get it. "That's a lotta fish." So? I mean, is that meant to be funny? It left a pause at the end for the audience to laugh, I mean, but... what's the joke? I could've just as easily said "That's a hat. That's a wall. That's a lotta fish." I mean, how is that funny? You could've said a lot of things there like "I got a fishy feeling about this" or "It's like shooting fish in a barrel out here!" I mean, it wouldn't have been funny, but at least they would've been actual jokes. "That's a lotta fish." You could spend years trying to figure out why the hell that's supposed to be funny and not get anywhere! "That's a lotta fish." Look, you could literally just put in gibberish, and that at least would've been a little bit funnier. He looks over this amazing sight, turns to the other guy and says "Poppity pop pop pop!" and that actually would've gotten a little bit of a laugh. Just nonsense off the top of my head is funnier than these guys trying to willingly produce written humor. THINK!
Top 11 Disney Villains
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: [on Scar] He is one of the few Disney villains that is actually able to kill off one of the main characters. What about that one, Jafar? Huh? HUH?
- Jafar: You'll get what's coming to you.
- Nostalgia Critic: What's coming to me? What do you mean, what's coming to me? I don't- [Jafar's staff turns his head into a dinosaur's head] Alright, that's NOT COOL.
- Nostalgia Critic: The number 1 greatest Disney animated film villain is: the Devil from Fantasia. Now, I know what you're thinking: "He didn't do anything! He didn't hatch any diabolical plans or ruin anybody's life!" But here's the thing—IT'S THE DEVIL! HE IS EVIL INCARNATE! You look at this guy and tell me that not one of these characters [we see several villains that were on the list] is not working for, with, or was inspired by this guy. He doesn't talk, doesn't sing, and doesn't even mess around with any of the good guys. But that's how the Devil works. He doesn't strike people down like Maleficent or scheme evil plots like Frollo—he's working through them, motivating them and encouraging every ounce of evil that they do. He doesn't even need an introduction—you just see him, and you can feel the evil. How can you not be intimidated when those evil eyes pop up and the music builds? The Devil is often perceived as something you can't see. Well, if you could, this is what he would look like, and this is what he would do: playing God with the dead, bringing spirits back to life just so he can destroy them again. He turns beauty into filth, moonlight into fire, and cries for help into consumption and greed. Ultimately, though, the Devil can't compete with the heavenly light that comes in at the end, and leads to what is probably Disney's most powerful and beautiful moment ever put on screen. This portion of Fantasia was daring and controversial, even spawning one of the first Disney nipples ever to be seen. [sarcastically] OH MY GOD, WOMEN HAVE NIPPLES?! MY CHILDHOOD IS RUINED! [normal] There's no doubt about it—the Devil encompassed everything. He was everything dark, everything hateful, everything cruel, and everything lusting for power. He was the master of all darkness, and portrayed just as that, seeing absolutely no element of good in him—an all around perfect portrayal of evil. The Devil: the number one greatest Disney animated villain.
- Nostalgia Critic: Ah yes, I almost forgot. Every Friday, the Super Show would replace the Mario cartoon with a Legend of Zelda cartoon. And even though it wasn't as bad as the Mario stuff, it was still pretty damn wretched. I mean, you watch the opening, it looks cool, it looks big and epic until...
- Zelda: [after jumping off a bridge into a river with Link] Nice job, hero.
- Link: Hey! Excuse me, Princess!
- Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Really? "Excuse me, Princess"? That's the best 80's sitcom catchphrase that you can come up with? Well, if we're gonna go this route, why not exploit the shit out of it? I mean, there's plenty of other phrases you could've used, like "Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Zelda?" or maybe a more obscure "To the moon, Your Highness!" or how about the always classic, always endearing "Dy-no-mite, Princess Hottie Pants!" I mean, just if you want to make it more subtle...
- Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk about the setting. In the game, everything takes place in the Mushroom Kingdom. Here, good God, I can't even tell you how ridiculous these settings are. They live in idiotic worlds like "Spy Land", or "Jungle Land", or "Robo Land", or even stinking "Car Land". They have a "Car Land"! You can't just add the word "Land" to something and expect it to be a fully developed three dimensional world! Like, "Hey, I got an idea! Let's all go to 'Pot Land'. And after that, maybe we can spend time in 'Table Tennis Land'. Or how about we drop by 'That British Guy Who Always Seems To Be In Everything But You Never Really Take The Time To Figure Out What His Name Is Land'!" It doesn't work!
Top 12 Greatest Christmas Specials
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember i-CHRISTMAS! [gets out of his chair and quickly begins putting up his Christmas decorations while continuously yelling "Christmas!" and eventually returns to his seat] CHRISTMAS! I LOVE CHRISTMAS! Season of Joy, best time of the year! If I could somehow make love to Christmas, I would, and then I would eat it, to consume all its wholesome Holiday juices. I love it that much.
- Nostalgia Critic: [depressed] Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. Well, Christmas is over, Santa has come and, well, I guess I got a little of the post-Christmas blues. I mean, 12 months waiting, weeks upon weeks of hoping for the world's greatest Christmas gifts, and what did I get? [takes each gift out] A Nintendo Wii entertainment system, two fully functional controllers, the latest edition of Super Smash Bros. Brawl...and NO Mario Kart? Suck my candy cane, Santa! That was the cream of the Yuletide crop and you knew it! Instead, what did I get in my stocking? A holly jolly dose of bullshit known as Jingle All the Way!
- Nostalgia Critic: So it starts out with this show called TurboMan. I'd like to say it's like Power Rangers for younger kids, but it's more like Power Rangers for retarded kids. I mean, I think this is the film's first big hole: No normal-functioning kid would ever watch this intergalactic space crap. I mean, what kid would seriously watch a show with a flying hunchback saber-toothed Care Bear in it? Well, apparently, this kid would. A little boy named Jamie, played by Jake Lloyd. [thinking] Jake Lloyd... hmmm, where do I know that name? [dramatic music shows Anakin Skywalker in the poster for Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace, he screams, jumps out a window and falls to the ground, as his scream fades away] My God, what a tall building!
- Howard Langston: [as he enters the empty school gym, with a janitor cleaning it and missing his son's karate graduation] I didn't make it.
- Nostalgia Critic: [dumbstruck] Thanks, Arnold, I'd never figured it out if you didn't say something... What's this, is this movie for the blind? [The scene repeats with Critic imitating Arnold's accent] I'm walking down the hallway, I stopped to catch my breath, I'm looking at an empty room with a janitor to emphasize what a douchebag I am.
- Nostalgia Critic: There's only one problem though, Arnold doesn't have the doll.
- Liz Langston: Which reminds me, you got the doll, right? [ducks as the camera zooms in on Howard]
- Howard: The doll!
- Nostalgia Critic: I like how his wife isn't even really acting here, she's just preparing for the world's most unconvincing head duck for the camera. She does it so fast I wonder if she hits her head on the sink.
- Liz: You got the doll, right? [she ducks again and a loud slam is heard]
- Nostalgia Critic: Ooh, that's gotta hurt. I also love this over the top expression that Arnold gives, that looks like the cliffhanger of a horrible 80s sitcom.
- Liz: 'Cause at this point, they'd probably be impossible to find. [The Odd Couple theme plays over Arnold's expression]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as sitcom announcer] Uh-oh! How's Arnold gonna get out of this one? Will he have time to get the gift, or will the most implausible and impractical of hijinks ensue? Tune in next time when Masterpiece-of-shit Theater continues.
- [after Howard flies into the sky with a jetpack]
- Nostalgia Critic: So let me get this straight. A parade which can barely afford what looks like 2 balloons and only a few copyrighted characters, can afford a fully functional rocket pack that even NASA couldn't perfect yet? IS THERE A NAME FOR WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE WRITERS?!
- [clip of Howard with jetpack flying as TurboMan]
- Nostalgia Critic: So he's flying through the city and... [various clips of Howard flying] uh... and... uh... I... Uh... [clips stop; cut to Critic] A-alright, okay. Ladies and gentlemen... the film just gave up. It clearly doesn't care about the story narrative or making any simplance of logical sense, so they just said... fuck it, and started showing amusing images that will hopefully entertain your kids. Well, you know what they say. [takes off hat and puts on pirate hat] If you can't beat them, join them. [various clips of Howard flying and the Nostalgia Critic making funny faces and moving at superfast speed around the room. The song, "Say, say, Oh Playmate" from the 1991 Addams Family movie plays throughout as a subtitle reading "WE DON'T CARE" flashes at the bottom of the screen]
- Nostalgia Critic: So Santa, for giving me such a good gift this year, I have just one thing to say to you: You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm tellin' you why. [he pulls out and cocks his gun] THE NOSTALGIA CRITIC IS COMIN' TO YOUR HOME, BITCH! I'M RIP ROARIN' PISSED, I REMEMBER IT SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO! [walks off-camera]
- [cut to the credits, with bells ringing]
- Santa Claus: Ho-ho-ho! [knock on door] Ho-ho... HO! [gunshot]
- Nostalgia Critic: AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!