The Angry Video Game Nerd

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The Angry Video Game Nerd is an Internet series based on a fictional character, the "Nerd", created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using profane language. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.

The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.

Contents

Pilots[edit]

Castlevania II: Simon's Quest[edit]

[First line of the series]
AVGN: This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.

AVGN: (complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.") Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?

AVGN: Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. (nighttime falls) Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. (falls into water and dies) OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.

AVGN: Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How about "vanquished this horrible GAME"?

AVGN: (using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters) The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.

AVGN: What a piece of shit. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat shit.

AVGN: Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde[edit]

AVGN: Pong is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little Tiger, like, electronic wrist games, those are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking?

AVGN: (looking at the cartridge) Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. (looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents) Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?

AVGN: I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean...you'd rather superglue your asshole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. (close-up of the Nerd) DEAD. FUCKIN'. SERIOUS. (fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs)

Season One[edit]

The Karate Kid[edit]

The Nerd: I HATE this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. Karate Kid is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: "I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it." So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of shit will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.

The Nerd: (dies in a pit) I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.

The Nerd: Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of shit? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. [spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]

Who Framed Roger Rabbit[edit]

AVGN: (talking to a lady after punching her) "CAN YOU HELP ME", "GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN"... how about "Go away, you HORRID GAME!"?

AVGN: (gets game over and sees a 20 character password) And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?

AVGN: (calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone) This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say "FUCK YOU!"
Jessica Rabbit: I hope you're proud of yourself!
AVGN: Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
AVGN: Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill ya. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family. (returns to playing the game) All right, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.

AVGN: All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles[edit]

AVGN: You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage

AVGN: April O'Neil says: "You have my support." Okay. What the Hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.

AVGN: (in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water) Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?

AVGN: Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.

AVGN: Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' out of my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECE OF SHIT... and I don't like it.

Back to the Future[edit]

AVGN: (on the repetitive music) I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.

AVGN: (on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with) What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
Doc Brown: No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!

AVGN: Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote "Back to the Future" on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of shit. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. (scoffs) I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's, what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
Marty: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
AVGN: playing Back to the Future II & III Yes, it's true. Back to the Future II & III. Two shitty games for the price of one. Let's check it out.

M.C. Kids[edit]

AVGN: So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.

AVGN: Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.

AVGN: It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.

AVGN: (Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick) So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups "extra guys" or "free mans". I like to call 'em life insurance.

AVGN: (At the end of the review) Toasty!

Wally Bear and the NO! Gang[edit]

AVGN: And what's this button for? "PRESS HERE"? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, "PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!" Like some kid's gonna be like, "Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?"

AVGN: Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was Mcgruff, or Pee-wee, or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... (drinking his Rolling Rock) and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.

Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu[edit]

AVGN: So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
Shit Pickle: Pickle.

AVGN: There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, "I own Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu," so people can awkwardly stare at you.
Shit Pickle: Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.

AVGN: (Shit Pickle plays the game.) So, what do you think?
Shit Pickle: Shit!
AVGN: Exactly.

Top Gun[edit]

AVGN: (Top Gun Anthem is heard in the background) Top Gun sorta marks the beginning of a genre. It was one of the first flight simulation games for the Nintendo Entertainment System, or at least, one of the most commonly referred to. We obviously know that it ain't got shit compared to the games of today. And for that reason, you might think that it's not worth complaining about. But no. It sucks ass now, and it sucked ass back then.

AVGN: I'd rather fly a cargo plane full with rubber dog shit out of Hong Kong. (The Landing Sequence of the game begins) Uh-oh, I'm really fucked now. I gotta land on an aircraft carrier; a feat that's impossible. Your radar monitor gives you directions on how to land, but no matter what you do, you still crash.
AVGN: You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. (reading the on-screen directions) "Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!" I'm hitting up. [looks closely and starts sweating as the plane approaches the carrier, and then the plane crashes into the ocean] ASSSS! FUUUUCK!

AVGN: This game chews turds. This game sucks your balls off and spits 'em out your ass.

Double Dragon III[edit]

AVGN: Ooh, I know what you're thinking. "How dare you pick on Double Dragon?" But I'm not. Double Dragon's awesome! So is Double Dragon II: The Revenge. But Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones is just a fucking waste.

AVGN: (Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene) Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... Bimmy and Jimmy? How'd they make a mistake like this!? Bimmy isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? Bimmy and Jimmy? I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. Bimmy and Jimmy. There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking Double Dragon game, and it's the first screen!

Friday the 13th[edit]

AVGN: Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!

AVGN: (Commenting on the game over screen) That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? (looks at Jason) "You and your friends are dead. Game Over." It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever dies in Nintendo. They're either "defeated" or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like Friday the 13th, that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: "You're fuckin' dead... and your friends, too." Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
"You're dead.
Your friends are dead.
Your family's dead.
Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.
Your mom's a fuckin' whore.
You suck at life.
The whole world hates you.
You're goin' to Hell.
Live with it.
Game Over."

AVGN: (Commenting on the game over screen) I’d rather play Doom on Atari. I’d rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I’d rather drown in diarrhea. I’d rather fuckin’ eat my fuckin’ balls off and puke ‘em out my fuckin’ ass! I’d rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin’ worse than life itself, and I’d turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It’s all just a test of patience, and it can kiss my fuckin’ asshole!

A Nightmare on Elm Street[edit]

Freddy Krueger: Ya like Nintendo?
The Nerd: [nodding his head nervously] Uh-huh.
Freddy Krueger: Ya like to play shitty games?
The Nerd: [alarmed] No.
Freddy Krueger: [chortles] Ya fuckin' Nerd! Ya wanna play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
The Nerd: NO! NO! NO!
Freddy Krueger: Or do ya wanna play my game, bitch? [Freddy evilly laughs as he puts the game into the NES using his clawed glove.]

The Nerd: Damn! Freddy's got a lot of fuckin' bones. And they all look exactly the same: Classic cartoon dog bone. Y'know, come to think of it, the plot's kinda like Simon's Quest. Why would Simon wanna go around collecting pieces of Dracula? He was killed the first time. Just leave him alone. [shows a picture of Batman tearing the Joker's skull off his skeleton] Imagine if Batman killed the Joker, and then he scattered his pieces all over the fucking city, and then went around collecting them all. What a bunch of fuckin' shit.

The Nerd: Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game "Boo! Haunted House!" Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait, make it about Freddy. We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street." And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for "Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts."

The Nerd: Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! [zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]

The Nerd: You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This game is so fuckin' bad, it sucks.", "This is fucking shit!", "It's diarrhea shit!", "This game is horrible!", "Diarrhea fuck.", "It sucks!", "It's shit!", "It's balls!", "What a piece of shit.", "What a shitload of fuck.", and "What a piece of fucking shit."]
Back Nerd: Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playing this fuckin' game?
Left Nerd: Yeah.
Back Nerd: So, the hell with that shit.
Right Nerd: Yeah, the hell with that... damn shit.
True Nerd: The hell with that damn... fuckin' shit.
Left Nerd: THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLSHIT!!!
[Right Nerd gets up]
True Nerd: Relax.
[Right Nerd turns off NES, and pulls out the "A Nightmare on Elm Street" cartridge]
Right Nerd: Now, what should we do with the cartridge?
Back Nerd: How 'bout smash it with a hammer?
Right Nerd: Nah, that's not good enough.
True Nerd: I know. Let's drop it out the window. [accompanied by a dumb smile]
Right Nerd: No, come on. Be creative.
Left Nerd: I say we take a shit on it!
Right Nerd: Good. Do it: Empty your ass all over it.
Left Nerd: I don't gotta take a shit though. You take a shit.
Right Nerd: You gotta take a shit? Who's gotta take a shit?
Back Nerd: I gotta take a shit.
Right Nerd: Then take that shit!
Back Nerd: [places the game on the floor] Bombs away! [grunts and defecates on the cartridge. True Nerd and Left Nerd react to the fecel matter.]
Left Nerd: Fuck you, diarrhea fiend!
[Freddy Krueger's shadow is seen.]
Left Nerd: [seeing Freddy Krueger's shadow] Whoa.
True Nerd: Hey. Whoa.
Left Nerd: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
True Nerd: Whoa, whoa.
Back Nerd: [farts, oblivious to Freddy] Come on, it's not that bad.

Freddy Krueger: Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of shit! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
The Nerd: Go yank your cock through your ass, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the Power Glove!

Power Glove[edit]

The Nerd: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean bad. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? [grabs the regular NES controller] Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, [flashes middle finger] one fuckin' complaint about this glove; It doesn't work. Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!

The Nerd: [Plays Jackal and reads the opening screen's text] "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!" "Good luck" is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.

The Nerd: [plays Rad Racer with the Power Glove] You know what's really cool about Rad Racer? That if you push "Select"... [pushes "Select"] ...the game goes 3D. I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.

The Nerd: Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit. [in-game, "TO LANDING SEQUENCE"] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. [he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]

The Nerd: If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with a fistful of shit. [pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]

The Nerd: Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' shit! You're better off fuckin' shit than fuckin' with this fucked-up shit! Fuck this shit! You don't know shit about how fuckin' shitty this fuckin' shit is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. [holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!" Game Over Theme]

Chronologically Confused[edit]

AVGN: (talking about the Mega Man series) What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? Mega Man 64? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.

AVGN: So when Final Fantasy VII came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,"So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?" I was playing VI all along and not III? What a bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!

AVGN: The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels?

AVGN: The title of Bruce Lee's first film was called The Big Boss, but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to Fists of Fury. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called Fist Of Fury. So, uh oh we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it Fist of Fury because we changed the last one to Fists of Fury. Call it The Chinese Connection and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.

Rocky[edit]

AVGN: (Regarding the training sequences) Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-sucking-ball-fuck! This is fucking boring!!

AVGN: (On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual) So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
Rocky: That's right, it stinks!
AVGN: It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the ass, shits out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, shits for the birds! The control in this game... is poo poo.

AVGN: This game is ass. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.

Bible Games[edit]

AVGN: (Playing Bible Adventures, reviewing "Noah's Ark"; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game) I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the shit!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' shit!? Noah's so goddamn strong, he puts The Hulk to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris!

AVGN: (Reviewing "David and Goliath") And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. (Long pause) That's disgusting. I apologize.

AVGN: (reviewing Bible Buffet on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips) That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to "Thou shall not kill"? Please, somebody tell me!

AVGN: [ Invisible Touch is heard in the background] So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis. And the soundtrack is Genesis. ...I'm just making this up.

AVGN: [Playing Super Noah's Ark 3D] Listen to how cheerful the music is. (Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays) Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!

AVGN: I’d rather fuck a porcupine & shove a cactus up my ass! I’d rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog’s anus-hole! It’s just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-shit!

Season Two[edit]

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One[edit]

AVGN: (sighs) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3 sucks shit! Not even regular shit—putrid barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit!

AVGN: My point is that this is the worst fucking movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old that it needs to rot in hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is that I was 12 the first time I saw the movie in the theaters in 1993. And I was such a big Turtles fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside, and, you know it's just been tearing away at me all these years. And now, looking back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. This movie... is FUCKING TERRIBLE!!! (punches the tape)

AVGN: Why was there no subtitle in the movie? They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that black empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employed within, and the void it left in our hearts.

AVGN: (talking about how none of the classic series villains are present in the movie) Make way for this samurai and this guy on a horse. ...Yeah, these are our villains of Turtles III. Noranaga and Walker. I've never heard of them before. Now, you have this huge stockpile of memorable villains from the comics, the TV series, the video games, the action figures, all that, and they just go ahead and bring in two uninspired, stereotyped, mediocre villains! I mean, come on!

AVGN: (criticizing the inferior animatronics) Is this movie made for little kids? ...Well, I guess it is, so, the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fucking roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame street. Even worse is his voice!
Splinter: Have patience, My son.
AVGN: What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two[edit]

The Nerd: [on Walker's death scene] Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fucking much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
Walker: [screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]
The Nerd: Did you see that? Here it goes again.
Walker: [screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]
The Nerd: There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
Walker: [screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]

The Nerd: Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-shit! I'd rather watch crap oozing out of a buffalo's asshole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that... well, something must be done.
[The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]
The Nerd: It's Hammer Time!
[He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]

Atari 5200[edit]

AVGN: Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.

AVGN: What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. This. In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is fuckin' horrible!

AVGN: Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?

AVGN: [unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers] As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. [Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says "ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!"]

Ghostbusters[edit]

AVGN: So, when we heard that a Ghostbusters game for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited, we shit our pants! Literally! Shit came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things coming together. Should've been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit. You pop this piece of crap in, expecting Ghostbusters, and, what do you get? Well, Ghostbusters. You got the logo there. Looks promising enough. But, are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playing? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. (pushes the start button, and the title screen plays a very low quality sound clip announcing "Ghostbusters!") the fuck was that!? ("Ghostbusters!" is heard again. AVGN imitates) Ghoshtbushters! (plays the voice clip once more) Now, don't get me wrong. I'm not trying to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but you hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.


AVGN: After doing this for so long, you start to wonder: Who pays you to catch the ghosts, anyway? And why are the ghosts so generic, innocent, and cute-looking? They don't do anything to you, so why are you busting them? 'Cause busting makes you feel good? Well, don't the ghosts have a right to death? Obviously I'm thinking too deep about it, but that's what happens. That's what happens when you play such a boring-ass-shitty game. Your mind gets delirious! Right now I feel like I'm going fucking crazy!

AVGN: (playing through the stairway segment with Game Genie-granted immunity to the ghosts) Well at least now I can't get killed by the ghosts. But that still means it takes all day to get up the fucking stairs! It just keeps going! Even if you did it with the control pad, it would be tedious. But the fact that you're supposed to tap the button the whole time and dodge ghosts? And I've counted: There's 22 floors! Do you think that's enough!? I mean what the fuck were they fucking thinking!? This is the worst game I've ever played in my life. It's worse than Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde. Well, maybe not that bad... (the Ghostbusters reach the top floor and run to the roof entrance) A-and then they run!? They move like slugs the whole fucking time, but as soon as they get to the top, they run like they got propellers in their asses!

AVGN: (on the final stage of the game) The little ghosts with their tongues sticking out look like kindergarten Halloween decorations, and neither Gozer nor the dogs move. Hey, I can even name the dogs. That's Vinz Clortho and Zuul. Zuul apparently bought the building that they're standing on. Now, you know what's really shocking about this part? You're moving around, dodging projectiles and shooting at things? Kinda like... A game. Surprising, right? I mean this is the closest moment that this piece of shit ever comes to possibly being decent.

Ghostbusters Followup[edit]

AVGN: [when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES] Well, first of all, "Conglaturation !!!" is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say "Congratulation.", you say "Congratulations". So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, "You have completed a great game."!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with "And". Then you got an extra O in "prooved". And proved what? "prooved the justice of our culture."? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. "Now go and rest our heroes !" Instead of "Now go and rest, comma, our heroes", it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...
Congratulations!
You had the patience to sit through this awful game.
You proved your nerdiness.
Now go fuck yourself!

AVGN: (reviewing Ghostbusters on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses) I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.

Ghostbusters Conclusion[edit]

The Nerd: [Playing Ghostbusters 2 for NES, commenting on its level setup] And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. Ghostbusters should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, huge improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie Ghostbusters II is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. But, [throws game to ground] a not-so-good movie equals a game... that's not as shitty.

The Nerd: [voiceover] It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is "Pause", but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. [throws controller to the floor]
The Nerd: I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, "Sorry. I'm playing Ghostbusters 2 on Nintendo." What a selfish game. Bottom line, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON, GODDAMN IT! [throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]

The Nerd: [voiceover; reviewing Ghostbusters on Sega Genesis] The stages are non-linear, in a sense that you don't just run through from beginning to end; You gotta find your way around. You can climb ladders, swim, and explore the whole place until you've found and defeated all the boss ghosts, which there's several of. And when you've defeated them, you get to lay a trap and catch a Slimer in true Ghostbusting fashion. After you've cleared the stage, you get money, and then you leave. So, that's the concept, which is enough to keep you entertained.
The Nerd: The control's great, walking and jumping is perfectly responsive, you could easily shoot in any direction, you can crawl, it's fun blasting things, the sounds and music are original, and the caricature look, I find kinda amusing, actually. This is what you call a game. I like this. I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
The Nerd: I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria! But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.
The Nerd: [voiceover] Like those tablecloths that wrap you up? You can't even do anything but wait. They don't even do any damage, so what's the point? Just to be annoying. You might as well just have somebody come in and take the controller from me for about five seconds.

The Nerd: [voiceover] Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.

The Nerd: [voiceover] The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from Castlevania II, then there's the plant which reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors, which is an interesting connection because Rick Moranis starred in the remake, and he was Louis in Ghostbusters. Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!

The Nerd: [voiceover] In a sea of terrible Ghostbusters games, this one [Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis] stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
The Nerd: So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the Ghostbusters games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that the same guy who did the voice for Garfield did the voice for Peter Venkman in the Ghostbusters cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in the movie.
The Nerd: [voiceover] And one more thing: Ghostbusters 3. Is it really gonna happen? Should it happen? Well, if they made The Santa Clause 3, Free Willy 3, Home Alone 3, Psycho 3, The Neverending Story 3, Problem Child 3, and about ten thousand Scary Movie and American Pie sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why Ghostbusters 3 shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.
The Nerd: Now, excuse me. I gotta take out the garbage. [pushes Ecto 1 to floor.] [The Nerd's Ghostbusters montage features theme remix, Ghostbusters toys, and him shooting the game with proton pack.]

Spider-Man[edit]

Kyle Justin as Spider-Man: (on Spider-Man on Atari 2600) THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS! IT'S HORRIBLE!

AVGN: (on Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six) The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit.

Spider-Man: (hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration) WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE GAME DESIGNERS?! THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY'RE DOING! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY DID THIS TO ME! THEY MADE A GAME OUT OF ME AND IT'S FUCKING SHIT!!! IT'S HORRIBLE!!! (throws the Game Boy to the ground)

Spider-Man: (while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in Spider-Man 2 on Game Boy Advance) I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
AVGN: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
Spider-Man: (raises middle finger to AVGN) I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fucking ass!

Kyle Justin: (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Takes a dump in a coffee can
Plays some games with a grudge
Gonna shit out some anal fudge
Look out, here comes some shitty games
Alcohol is his power source
Takes a piss like a drunken horse
Climbs a wall, then he falls
This game sucks his spider-balls
Oh no, he's playing the shitty games
When he plays his games
He feels so ashamed
He shoots web from his wrist
But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed

Sega CD[edit]


AVGN: Wow, it's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics: Full-motion video opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors. 12.5 Megahertz Processor. Holy shit! This thing is TOTAL FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH! (said words appear on screen with AVGN) How would you like it if I conducted the rest of the video like this? (screen shrinks into a low-quality full-motion format mimicking that of the Sega CD's) "Full-motion video," my ass! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!

AVGN: So you put the fucking game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fucking parasite or something. Then there's this problem: The load time. Load of shit! You could go dump your ass in the time it takes!

AVGN: Willy Beamish. Okay, in this game, you're a kid in detention. First it's just like watching a cartoon for five minutes. Then an arrow appears and you're like "Oh my God, I get to do something?" So you just point and click at things.
Willy: Man, I'm so bored, I can't stand it.
AVGN: I know, I'm fucking bored. The teacher talks to you. You come up with answers. Should I say "Oh that was my frog Horny."? ...The frog's name is Horny?!

AVGN: Now we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces!

Sega 32X[edit]

AVGN: The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit, but it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh, God it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking, "Oh please God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.

AVGN: (plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles) Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or better yet, why the hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (ends in a thin plug)

AVGN: (playing Primal Rage with only the background visible) Great title screen, huh? There isn't any title at all! What is this? W- wait a minute. Oh please God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing Invisible Primal Rage! Alright, let's try Virtua Fighter. (the characters aren't visible here either) What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out. There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing onto the top of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? Look at this. It's a fucking mess! And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the life span of the Genesis. And that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support!

AVGN: And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few "CD 32X" games which require BOTH the 32X AND the Sega CD! So if you happen to own both this pile of vomit and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together!

Silver Surfer[edit]

The Nerd: Alright, this is Silver Surfer. Silver SHIT! (inserts game into NES and turns it on) He looks so stupid! I mean, what the Hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... (The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)'

The Nerd: What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE! And I dare you to play it.

The Nerd: I can't take it anymore. (Drinks some Yuengling) You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says "The End", and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd. (Continues to play game)

The Nerd: I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. (Silver Surfer dies repeatedly) It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, DIE! (lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice) Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.

The Nerd: This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?!
The Nerd: I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he crashes into the wall, but the fact that he just touches the wall and dies, is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! (Swigs some Yuengling) Fuck...! (Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it to the wall in rage.)

Die Hard[edit]

The Nerd: [looks at game cartridge for a few seconds, then he shakes his head in disgust and disbelief.] So, I'm about to review Die Hard on Nintendo. But before I begin, I think I need to address the... kind of... disturbing, maybe offensive nature of the... the front cover? [flashes front cover] What does this remind you of? [front cover bears an eerie resemblance to the World Trade Center burning on 9/11]

The Nerd: All right, so you've got your life bar, which is self-explanatory. Then you got a feet bar. Yeah, your feet have power too, right? You can run by holding the B-button, but that drains your foot power. Now, let me ask you a question: What's the difference between saving your foot power and using it to get your ass movin'? Is it better to run and waste your foot power, or just walk slow and waste your fuckin' time? Also, if you walk over broken glass, that also drains your foot power. And I can see where they're going with this. In the movie Die Hard, John McClane's feet end up in pretty bad shape, and by the end of the movie, he's limping. Now, that's nice that they tried to make it like the movie, but there's some times when you should do that, and some times when it's not necessary. That's like if in Lethal Weapon, if you're going around eating dog biscuits for power-ups.

The Nerd: Half the time, there's nothing going on, you're just walking around. And, he walks like there's something wrong with him. He's got, like, one leg. So, you're just going around, and then all of a sudden, you're dead. And, you don't even see it coming. You can't even scratch your head. You'll just be playing, and then all of a sudden, WHOA, you're dead.

The Nerd: Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, "I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!" Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, "No, I'm not gonna do that!"? Going back to Mario again, what if Mario just said "You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!"? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!

The Nerd: So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? "Take out the main computer"? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, "What does this have to do with anything?" But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, "What the fuck?"

The Nerd: There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!

The Nerd: [quoting John McClane] YIPPIE-KI-YAY, MOTHERFUCKER! [he tosses game, which erupts into a Hellish fireball that consumes the Nerd.]

Independence Day[edit]

AVGN: Oh God... Oh God! Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a piece of shit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a piece of SHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is Independence Day for the Playstation. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME SICK!

AVGN: I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the ASS is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's very ass.

AVGN: The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.

AVGN: The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere & do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!

AVGN: You know, I played a lotta shit in my day, but this game is... FUCK. The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. Top Gun on the NES. [Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.] While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than Independence Day. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&Ms.

AVGN: Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate your independence not to play shitty fuckin' games.

The Simpsons[edit]

AVGN: Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.

AVGN: (playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants) It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?

AVGN: I just wanted to point out that for a game titled "Bart vs. the World", there really isn't a lot of "the world" in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! (drinks beer) Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. (the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)

The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout[edit]

The Nerd: (sarcastically) Wow, how awesome could this be? Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout. Well, it was a blowout, alright. BLOW OUT YOUR ASS!

The Nerd: Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. [drinks beer]
[Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]
The Nerd: [spits out beer] OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!
Bugs Bunny: Nyah... [eats carrot] What’s up, Doc?
The Nerd: [walks up to Bugs] I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY! [punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]

The Nerd: This game is GARBAGE!
Bugs Bunny: NNyyyyaaah-
The Nerd: [grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding] I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!

Bugs Bunny: Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!

Bugs Bunny: Nyah, ain't I a fuckin' stinker, motherfucker?!
The Nerd: AIN'T YOU A GODDAMN FUCKIN' PIECE OF SHIT?! [grabs Bugs, throws him out of the room, and kicks and stomps him on the head several times before going back to playing the game]

The Nerd: [after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him] I'LL SHOW YOU SOME FUNNY TRICKS! [headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]
Bugs: [while being pummeled] Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, COCK?!
The Nerd: [kicks him in the face] I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of shit!

The Nerd: You want some shit? [drops his pants] BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH! [diarrhea falls through a fake ass]
Bugs: Nyyyyaaah, [diarrhea pours onto his face] oh shit! OH SHIT! Nyah!
The Nerd: Ugh, man! [takes off fake ass] Don't worry, folks. It's not real. [Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress] [while giving middle finger] Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! [gives middle finger through fake asshole] FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY! [tosses fake ass] There you go. Got your ass handed to you. [iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig] Uh-duh, uh-duh, uh-duh, that's all, fucks! [raises middle finger]

Atari Porn[edit]

(A photograph of George Custer appears on the screen. As The Nerd talks, various other photographs and black and white paintings of the events he describes pan by.)

​The Nerd: This is George Armstrong Custer. He was born December 5th, 1839. He was a commander in what was known as the American Civil War, and the Indian Wars. In early 1876, thousands of Native Americans escaped from their reservations and military officials were ordered to force them back. On June 25th, 1876, Custer and his troops engaged in battle with the Lakota and Northern Cheyenne tribes, near Little Bighorn River in Montana. His forces were defeated, and Custer was killed in this day of history, known as "Custer's Last Stand". Now why the fuck am I tellin' ya this?

The Nerd: Because I once had a whole class all about this kinda stuff. And after a whole day talkin' about General Custer, the teacher goes, "So, there were lots of books about General Custer, there were lots of movies and cartoons. Anybody know of somethin' that Custer was in? Anybody? Anything about Custer?" And I was just thinkin', "Please. Stop tempting me!", because I just wanted to raise my hand and say, "Uh yeah, actually, there's an Atari game, Custer's Revenge, where ya fuck a naked chick up against a cactus." (Looks at the camera, nodding.)

(The Nerd shows the case for Custer's Revenge.)

​The Nerd: Nobody would believe me, but it was true. It was a real game, and it came in a nice leather case. I guess so the kids couldn't see it. At the stores ya had to ask for it, because it was either hidden behind the counter or in the back room.

​The Nerd: But anyway, I find the picture on the front really weird. The girl's depicted in a realistic style, where Custer is like a cartoon character. And he's way smaller than her, and he's got a hairy ass. Well, let's pop this piece of shit in and give it a go. (He starts up the game.)

​The Nerd: I don't even need to comment. Look at this! Well, you're both completely naked! Well, maybe not completely naked; you got a cowboy hat, a pair of boots, and a scarf or an... ascot. (chuckles) Heh heh, "ASS"-cot. So, what's happening? There's spears droppin' from the sky, and ya gotta dodge 'em. Oh look, I got hit. Then lightning strikes and ya jump out of your boots. So the goal is to get over there, and rape her. (Custer does so in-game.) That's terrible, I can't believe I'm playin' this! Yeah! Fuck her, fuck her, fuck her, fuck her! (chuckles) That's how ya score in this game. That's funny right? Well, it's funny for about two minutes, then it gets boring.

​The Nerd: All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I think it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and I am offended, because this game's a fuckin' piece of shit!

​The Nerd: Now if you think that's crazy that there exists a pornographic Atari game, well guess what? There's tons of 'em. And Atari had nothing to do with it. See, today this would never be allowed, but back then, anybody could make a game for the Atari 2600, and sell it. So, you wanna see more? (Pauses) You sick bastards!

​The Nerd: Alright, what kinda surprise do we have in here? Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em. A girl lickin' an ice cream cone. But what the fuck's the title about? It doesn't sound pornographic. Sounds violent, like ya beat somebody up and eat 'em. (In game, it shows a guy with his penis over the side of a building with two naked women standing at the bottom.) Oh, I get it. Beat 'em... and eat 'em. Oh dear. What have I gotten myself into? All you do is move these two sluts back and forth to catch this... stuff that this guy shoots down. (The Nerd chuckles awkwardly.) Yummy!

​The Nerd: Let's take a look at the manual. In here, it says, "The object of the game is to eat 'em every time he beats 'em. You score one point for each and every drop you swallow without a miss. But should you miss, shame on you, you lose one turn. After all, it could have been a famous doctor or lawyer." What kinda sense does that make?!

​The Nerd: So the gameplay is basically the same sort of thing as Kaboom, except Kaboom was a great game, but this is just a miserable shitload of fuck! You gotta be completely accurate to land it in their mouths, and it uses the sound effects from Pac-Man. Ya get an extra life if you get 69 points. That's clever, right?

​The Nerd: Y'know, there's really somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a huge dick, or he's a dwarf! I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?

​The Nerd: Alright, now here's one for the girls. It's called Bachelorette Party. Yeah, it's a whole bunch of naked dudes. Whoa, watch out, guys! It's some crazy bitch bouncin' off the walls! And it hardly even looks like a girl; I mean, look at this. It could be Swamp Thing, for all I care. The gameplay's basically like Breakout, but flipped on its side. You control that thing on the left to catch the girl, and just... bang all the guys. What a whore. Now here's one for the guys; it's Bachelor Party. It's the same exact game, except it's a dude goin' around havin' sex with a bunch of girls. What a stud.

​The Nerd: This one's called Gigolo. The idea is that you're this nude woman on the streets, goin' around breakin' into random houses, where ya find men to have your way with. Y'know, that's really weird. Could you imagine if you're just sittin' around, mindin' your own business, then all of a sudden, some naked chick breaks in, starts humpin' the crap outta ya? (The Nerd looks hopefully at the door to his room, but no one enters. He shakes his head, disappointed.) Y'know, that's really not fair. I get Jason Voorhees and Freddy Krueger and Spider-Man, Bugs Bunny... but no naked chick. Fuck this shit.

​The Nerd: If ya break into the wrong house, ya get kicked out and the cops come after ya. You don't wanna get caught by the cops, or the bad guy; I guess he's supposed to be a mugger or a... rapist. How ironic. Most of the time he's in prison; I'm assuming that's the jailhouse, and then sometimes he escapes. So the cops are after the bad guy, the bad guy's after you, and you... you're after cock.

​The Nerd: Now we got Philly Flasher. Somebody please explain this one to me. Philly Flasher? Like Philadelphia? What's Philadelphia make ya think of? Ben Franklin, the Liberty Bell, Rocky, cheesesteaks, a witch shootin' milk out her tits? Well, it's no doubt that the game could take place in any city, and that the title's only phonetic. It might as well be Chicago Shit-Fucker or Dallas Dick-Kicker.

​The Nerd: The game's basically the same as Beat 'Em and Eat 'Em. The only difference is that it's two guys drinkin' milk from a witch's tit and-- (The two guys in-game start masturbating with smiles on their faces. The Nerd laughs nervously.) Oh God! What the fuck?! This game really disturbs me, but I don't get it. Is this supposed to be erotic? I don't know about you, but I'm not at all turned on by some old, wrinkly, shitty witch titties! That's fuckin' nasty, man! What sick fuck came up with this? What were they THINKING?!

​The Nerd: Here's a game that's on the same cart as Philly Flasher. It's called Cathouse Blues, and it bears a strange resemblance to Gigolo. In fact, it's the same game, except you're a dude instead of a girl. This guy's got no arms or legs, but that doesn't hold him back. Y'know, why isn't this game called Philly Flasher and this one Cathouse Blues? They must've fucked up and switched the titles.

​The Nerd: Now we got Knight on the Town. I suppose you're a knight, and you're on a quest for the holy ass. That's right, your goal is that princess on the top of the castle. What he wants to do with her? Well, take a guess. So as usual, the object's pretty simple; you just grab the blocks and build the bridge. But watch out for that crazy monster! And if the alligators get ya, they bite your dick off.

​The Nerd: There's no point of walking, because he's so damn slow, so you just gotta keep jumping and keep in rhythm so you don't hit the monster or the alligators. I don't have any idea what these things on their heads are. They look like Dr. Seuss characters. But one thing I never expected to see Dr. Seuss characters do, is this. (The knight and princess have sex in-game.)

​The Nerd: Alright, just one more game because, I've had enough. This one is Jungle Fever. I like to call it Jungle Cunt. (A pun on "Jungle Hunt") Well, honestly, I don't know what to say about this one. How did they come up with this stuff? "Alright guys, let's have... a naked, big-breasted woman hangin' from a helicopter shootin' at flames with a naked guy in between, and some cannibal bitches (I guess) tryin' to kill you." WHAT THE FUCK? The goal is to put out the flames and rescue him, and to celebrate... why not? (An animated image of sex in-game.)

​The Nerd: Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? "Have you played Atari today?" Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.

(The Nerd drinks from a super-sized mug.)

Nintendo Power[edit]

AVGN: It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game.", or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power. Nintendo Power, motherfucker!

AVGN: One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!

AVGN: 'Member that shitty movie The Wizard? and that fuckin' dumbass Super Mario Bros. movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't wait to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. (Raspberry)

AVGN: As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they thinking? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! (looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)

AVGN: There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Tedphone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically) Oh, that's a great prize! (normally) That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count Son of Mask, but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?

AVGN: (reading letters) "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool." I agree. And the response? "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see-" Okay, here's my letter. "Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?"

Fester's Quest[edit]

AVGN: (As Fester) You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the Ninja Turtles? (a reference to the Nerd's review of the third Ninja Turtles movie)

AVGN: (As Wednesday) This game better stop sucking ass, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!

AVGN: (As Gomez) I think it's a shitload of fuck!
AVGN: (As Fester) Think you'd better shut your ass!

AVGN: (As Fester) That's the last guy. It's over.
AVGN: (As Wednesday) That's just the first boss.
AVGN: (As Fester) That's the last guy.
AVGN: (As Gomez) It's not.
AVGN: (As Fester) I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre[edit]

Opening Crawl: In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.

[AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]
AVGN: What have you got here?
Hillbilly: Bunch of shit.
AVGN: I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. (Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge) How much is this one right here?
Hillbilly: A hundred.
AVGN: A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
Hillbilly: No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
AVGN: I - I'll take it for 50.
Hillbilly: ..It's a hundred.
AVGN: It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
Hillbilly: I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my drawers right now!
AVGN: This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
Hillbilly: That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
AVGN: Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.

AVGN: So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a Mortal Kombat fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.

AVGN: (after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface) You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
Hillbilly: Hey, hey! Settle down.
AVGN: I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
Hillbilly: Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? (knocks the Nerd out with his banjo) Batter-up, bitch boy! (starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings) Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...

Chop Top: (while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game) How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? (cackles)
Hillbilly: Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. (the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape) Oh, shit!

Halloween[edit]

The Nerd: Well, it's Halloween, and, I have to go babysit. Yeah, of all things, I gotta go watch some little shitheads for the night. But, for the meantime, I'll show you a perfect example of a great movie turned into a real shit-bomb.
The Nerd: The first thing that bothers me is the actual manual. Halloween, Halloween. Just in case we didn't see it the first time. And it says, "A homicidal maniac has escaped from a mental institution." You mean Michael Myers? "You control the babysitter character." You mean Laurie Strode? I guess they had some kind of copyright problem.
The Nerd: Now, exhibit B. What is this? Is this a bootleg? You think, right? But, no. This is the real game. They actually sold this. Now, not every cartridge of Halloween was like this. But, as Wizard Video Games was liquidating their inventory, they started doing this to minimize costs. Have you ever heard of a video game company that was cheap enough to just use a marker and write the name of the game on it?
The Nerd: At least it's orange to kinda keep with the Halloween theme. You pop this fucker in, you start it up, and there you go. That's Halloween on the Atari 2600.
The Nerd: You play as the babysitter, which we already established. We assume it's Laurie Strode. That's Jamie Lee Curtis from the movie. But, whatever. All we know is that you're trying to get away from Michael Myers and save all these kids that you're babysitting. Coming off The Texas Chainsaw Massacre game, you might be disappointed that you don't play as the killer this time, and that makes the game even more boring.
The Nerd: As far as the graphics go, it's pretty fair for 1983, but what kind of house is this that you're babysitting? There's no furniture whatsoever, the carpet's puke green and shit brown, the walls go from blue to hot pink, purple, green, and peach. Who the fuck decorated this place? Some retarded Atari rejects?
The Nerd: So, the idea of the game is that you're running around through this house, babysitting an infinite number of kids, and, every now and then, Michael Myers comes out jabbing his knife in a sort of robotic kind of way.
The Nerd: Like in the movies, he's real slow, so, if you use any common sense, you're not going to get killed. But, he can also kill the kids. If he kills you, you lose a life, indicated by the jack-o-lanterns on top of the screen. And, if he kills the kids, nothing really seems to happen, but the goal is to get the kids and lead them to either corner of the house, whether it's the far left or far right. Now, I don't know how the Hell these rooms are supposed to be safe. It's not like you lock them in. There isn't even a door, so I guess Michael Myers just doesn't like to go in those last rooms. And, each time you deliver a kid, you get 675 points. Why that number, I don't know.
The Nerd: Now, I didn't really count, but there's something like eight rooms. And, you could also go on the top floor, but apparently this floor has really bad electrical problems because it keeps going dark, which is really fucking annoying. Hate this shit.
The Nerd: You know, all these colored rooms kinda remind me of the Poe Story, Mask of the Red Death. But anyway, you're just grabbing kids, bringing them to the rooms, and you could find this black sword or something. I don't know, maybe it's like a nightstick or a billy club. I suggest that it's a knife, but it's almost as big as her body, so, your guess is as good as mine. It could be a big black dildo for all I care. So anyway, you grab this thing which magically turns into a tiny green thing. Why the hell does it change completely change in shape and color when you're holding it?
The Nerd: But, moving on, Michael Myers shows up and you can attack him with it other just hold it out and he'll walk into it on his own, then he runs away and I'm just chasing him because I just feel like it. You know...I just realized, she's actually taller than him. And, if you count that red blob of a skirt, she's wider, too. That's a real threatening killer.
The Nerd: So, of course I gotta mention the Halloween music that plays every time when Michael Myers in on the screen. It's cool to hear it for the first time in all its Atari glory, but can't it fucking stop? After a while, it's like, piercing your brain.
The Nerd: So, that's about it. All I got left to show you is what happens when you die. It's fucking hilarious. Your head disappears and you're running around spurting pixelated blood out your neck. What you are looking at maybe the first head decapitation ever in a video game. It's by far the most amusing part of the game, and after only a few minutes, you'll find yourself doing this deliberately.
The Nerd: Come on, kill the kid! Kill the kid! Yeah! Get him! Get him! Alright, now, get me. Get me!
The Nerd: All right, now, that's enough. Y'know, it's all coming back to me now. I remember, once long ago, I had this game in my possession. I just remember seeing this blank cartridge for a pale, emotionless game... with the dullest graphics... the most awful gameplay. I spent eight years trying to figure it out, and another seven trying to keep it locked in my closet because, I realized what was living behind that game... was simply... evil. [the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]
Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: Trick-or-treat!
The Nerd: Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! [grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing]
Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: Ewwwwww!!
The Nerd: There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
Swamp Thing: That's not chocolate, that's poop.
The Nerd: It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's shit!
Optimus Prime: Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
Swamp Thing: Yeah, I want some candy!
The Nerd: Oh, yeah. [puts "Halloween" Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.] Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! [gives it to Optimus Prime]
Optimus Prime: What the heck is this?
The Nerd: It's an Atari game.
Swamp Thing: What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
The Nerd: Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
Swamp Thing: First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
The Nerd: [gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime] There you go. Have fun.
Optimus Prime: Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
The Nerd: [closes door] Well, now that I got that piece of shit off my hands, how 'bout we check out a couple more? I mean, I've got a little extra time before I got to go baby-sit. And, after all, it is Halloween. So, how about a bonus? Boo! Haunted House. [inserts game into Atari 2600]
The Nerd: Well, it's pretty scary. Yeah, what the fuck is this shit? I'm a pair of eyes going around. Oh, God! BOOM! Well, anyway, I'm guessing that you're not really a pair of eyes, but it's just common fact that, in the dark, the only thing you can see are someone's eyes.
[the lights darken and the Nerd's eyes are seen. Back to the gameplay, the eyes are suddenly in an orange ball looking like Meatwad]
The Nerd: Wait a minute. It's Meatwad! [an image of Meatwad appears] Yeah, it's fucking Meatwad! Now, I believe you're supposed to be lighting a match here, but this aura of light that surrounds you makes me imagine that there's some sort of body attached to these eyeballs. Now, while this match doesn't help to see the rest of your body, whatever it's supposed to look like, it actually helps you find items and the goal is to collect pieces of an urn.
[the character goes back to where it started and music similar to the Twilight Zone comes on]
The Nerd: Ooh, so now it's the Twilight Zone.
The Nerd: Well, you go around, watching out for ghosts, bats, and spiders. It couldn't possibly be any more cliché. OOOOOHHHH! Blown up by the ghost!
The Nerd: As the levels progress, you can't see the walls. The game's gotten even darker. That's right, it's gotten darker than dark. The graphics were pretty boring beforehand, but now, there's hardly a damn thing on the screen but black. Gee, this is fun.
[The Nerd takes game out]
The Nerd: Well, we might have time for one more. Let's see. [he almost picks E.T., but doesn't. Michael Myers in outside, watching his every move.]
The Nerd: [he pull's out Frankenstein's Monster] How about Frankenstein's Monster? It's alive, IT'S ALIVE! How 'bout, "It's ass, IT'S ASS!"?
The Nerd: Actually, it's pretty stunning. I mean, as far as graphics go, there's a lot going on. The platforms sort of have a gradient shadow effect and it's just got a really busy environment for an Atari and especially looking at Haunted House.
The Nerd: Well, that's the Frankenstein monster. Why is he white? Well, with every bolt of lightning, he becomes more and more green. And, when he becomes all green, he comes alive. Whether he comes alive or you die, that's when the game ends.
The Nerd: Now, your only enemies seem to be this little blue ghost and spiders, and I'm fine with that, I guess. Don't really expect much, but who the Hell are you supposed to be? Just this regular guy in a baseball cap?
The Nerd: Well, anyway, nothing in this game seems to kill you, except for the water. You fall in the water, you die. You get touched by anything else, it freezes you for a second. So, the goal is to keep collecting these blocks to build a wall and trap the monster.
The Nerd: So, you get the block, then you go back up to where you started, and then, oh, fuck! What the shit is this?! Look at all these Goddamn bats! What the Hell's going on?! Never have I had to dodge such a relentless onslaught of vampire bats. Have mercy.
The Nerd: So, then you just keep going back and forth, getting that block over and over again. Now, one thing that kinda bothers me is this area up to the left. You can't even go there! You can't pass through this green shit, and you might think you can exit one side of the screen and come out the other like in many games, but no. That doesn't happen here. So, this spot, as far as I know, is just a waste. But the worst thing is the jump precision.
The Nerd: Here we go. Jump! Alright, now jump! AH, FUCK!
[the Frankenstein Monster comes alive, but gets bigger and bigger until it breaks the fourth wall and comes out of the TV.]
The Nerd: OH, GOD!
[the Frankenstein Monster comes near the Nerd, but he quickly responds by shooting it with a Super Scope, and it explodes]
The Nerd:Well, now that's my cue to get the fuck out of here and go baby-sit.
[The Nerd exits his apartment, and goes to the house, but has no idea that Michael Myers is following him every step of the way.]
The Nerd: [enters the house] Alright, you little bastards. [sees Swamp Thing and Optimus Prime, and is shocked] Oh, no. No.
Swamp Thing: Look, it's the Poopy Man!
The Nerd: No-no-no, the Poopy Man's more like the Boogeyman, and he's gonna get ya if you don't turn off this game!
Swamp Thing: Play the game, nerd!
The Nerd: No, I've played the game enough tonight!
Swamp Thing: Play the game!
The Nerd: NO! [both kids chant "Play the game!" until the Nerd gives in.] Alright, I'll play the game! [gets hit by toy]
Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: You suck! You suck! And you smell like poop! You stink!
[Myers appears outside]
Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: Shut up! You suck! You suck! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You stink! You stink!
The Nerd: [continues to get hit] SHUT UUUUUUUUUP!
[lights go out, kids scream hysterically]
The Nerd: Alright! Alright! Stop! Stop! It's okay. It's okay. You got a basement?
Swamp Thing: Yeah.
The Nerd: A circuit breaker?
Swamp Thing: Yeah.
The Nerd: Okay, alright, then.
[the Nerd goes below towards the circuit breaker. On his way there, he notices the bag of fecal matter. When he arrives, he fixes breaker, then notices Michael Myers just as the Halloween theme plays. He runs away from him, then grabs the bag then breaks the fecal matter over Michael Myers' head, but after just a slight pause to wipe it off, Michael continues on. The Nerd goes to stairs, but Swamp Thing stands in the way.]
Swamp Thing: Use these, Nerd. [throws two wireless Atari 2600 controllers, which he uses to poke Michael's eyeballs out and to make him drop the knife.]
The Nerd: Got 'im!
[The Nerd goes back to living room, with the power back on, everything's fine, but Michael Myers comes back and almost fatally chokes Nerd to death, but notices the game, so he plays game for a few minutes, but quickly grows tired of it, opting to kill the Nerd instead until the kids come to his rescue.]
Optimus Prime: One shall stand! One shall fall!
[the kids begin to beat Michael Myers with boxing gloves. He later is knocked out unconscious, and the Nerd gives nods of approval]
Swamp Thing: Was that the poopy man?
The Nerd: Yeah. I think it was. [he notices Michael Myers disappeared, accompanied by the Halloween Ending Theme, going out the outside door, then runs outside and finds a neighbor.] Hey, call the police! Tell the sheriff he's on the loose!
Neighbor: Is this some kind of a joke? I've been trick-or-treated like shit tonight!
The Nerd: [shakes his head in disapproval.] You don't know what shit is.

Dragon's Lair[edit]

AVGN: Did I just die by walking into the fucking door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.

AVGN: The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of shit to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, "Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!"

AVGN: This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote Full Metal Jacket, "It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite."

AVGN: (upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second) Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! GOD DAMMIT MAN! (imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward) Man, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving King Kong up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!

An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One[edit]

AVGN: (receiving Home Alone 2 for the NES in a gift-wrapped box) Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!

AVGN: So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up.

AVGN: Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds shitting all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, FUCK! (yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES) Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNT! PIECE OF SHIT! (hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet) Shitty games all my life! Shitty fucking games! I hate shitty fucking games! And I hate shitty fucking Christmas because shitty fucking Christmas means more shitty fucking games! HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO HELLLLLLLL!!!

An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two[edit]

Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past: Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
AVGN: (hits himself on the head) I ain't seeing this!
Ghost of Christmas Past: Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
AVGN: Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
Ghost of Christmas Past: But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
AVGN: (Extends his middle finger) You see this?
Ghost of Christmas Past: I do see it.
AVGN: ...But you're not looking at it.
Ghost of Christmas Past: But I see it.
AVGN: ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
Ghost of Christmas Past: Well, to take you back to the past!
AVGN: To play the shitty games that suck ass? No thanks.
Ghost of Christmas Past: This is your past, Nerd!

Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present: You remember the excitement?
AVGN: Who are you?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
AVGN: Well what do you want?
Ghost of Christmas Present: I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember Metroid? Zelda? Mario? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
AVGN: Talking to you?
Ghost of Christmas Present: No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. (AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)
Other AVGN: Shaq Fu. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there.

Other AVGN: The title doesn't even sound good. Shaq Fu? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a fighting game starring Shaquille O'Neal and call it Shaq Fu pretty much proves that you can put "Fu" at the end of anything. How about "Robin Williams Fu" or "U2Fu"? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their ass!?

Future AVGN: You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullshit fuck game called Far Cry Vengeance. Now you put the word "Vengeance" at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.

AVGN: IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! (goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria) Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play Super Mario World! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. (after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy) Man, fuck that! Let's play some shitty ones!

Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline[edit]

AVGN: Shigeru Miyamoto, the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the Ocarina of Time and this is what he said. "Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original Legend Of Zelda, then Zelda II: The Adventure of Link and finally A Link to the Past. It's not very clear where Link's Awakening fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time." Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?

AVGN: So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?

AVGN: Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, Majora's Mask. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.

AVGN: What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was Zelda: Wand of Gamelon, Link: The Faces of Evil, & Zelda’s Adventure. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.

Rambo[edit]

AVGN: Fuck. I gotta do this one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cause there's a new Rambo movie coming out. Back in the '80s, Rambo was the shit, but the NES game was just plain shit. (the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader) Well, it's based off Rambo: First Blood Part II rather than the first one. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... probably wasn't their best interest. 

AVGN: When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: "What do you think of me?" The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, "What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out."

AVGN: Why does the fucking password have to be so damn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have no tolerance for. The password system should be simple, straightforward, and easy to use. As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and move on. It doesn't need to be a fucking project! Assholes.

AVGN: But then comes Rambo. How do you follow Rambo III with just Rambo? That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, "I'm watching Rambo," it's like, "Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean First Blood? Or do you mean Rambo: First Blood Part II? Or do you mean Rambo, the 4th movie?" "THAT'S WHAT IT IS! THE FOURTH FUCKING MOVIE!" WHY COULDN'T THEY HAVE JUST CALLED IT RAMBO IV? I, II, III, IV! (Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)

Season Three[edit]

Virtual Boy[edit]

The Nerd: Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!

The Nerd: Why isn't there a head strap? Let's think about this. This must be one of the worst designs for any invention in history. It's basically a pair of goggles on a stand. To me, that translates to a pair of eyeballs on legs. The controller's really weird, too. It has two D-pads and the battery pack is attached to it. You can swap it with an AC adapter, but when you're playing on a table, it can come loose and shut off your game. The 3D effects are hard to focus and they strain your eyes. There was even a warning on the box that said it could cause headaches and seizures. That's great, right? That's like the cherry on a shit sundae. How would you like to play bad games and have a headache, too? But, before I say the games are bad, let's take an honest look. Unfortunately, the only way I can record these games is to zoom into the eyepiece, so, please excuse the guerilla-style videography.

The Nerd: [playing Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. I feel like I'm taking an eye exam. And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the pinball wizard.

The Nerd: [playing Red Alarm] It's basically a flying game, like Star Fox. Remember what the graphics looked like on Star Fox? Everything was a polygon. But, imagine that in red and black, without any rendered shapes whatsoever. Everything's just a wire frame. It looks like a game that hasn't been finished. Worst of all, it's disorienting. If only there were some kind of texture, you'd be able to see where the boundaries are, but without it, you're just flying around with a bunch of lines! Often, I think I'm flying into an opening, But then I just find it butting against a wall! Look at this! Where am I supposed to go?

The Nerd: [playing Wario Land.] Along the way, you gotta find keys to open doors, collect treasures, and fight enemies. You stomp on them, throw them, or dash into 'em. There's also parts where you can leap into the background, obviously trying to cater to the 3D gimmick. But it's actually a good game. Damn good. But, only one problem: it's on Virtual Boy.

The Nerd: Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's WaterWorld. Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? [Breathes deeply] WaterWorld... on Virtual Boy. IT'S LIKE PUKING ON A PILE OF SHIT!

The Nerd: [voiceover] WaterWorld is the only movie-based game on Virtual Boy, and doesn't that seem like a match made in heaven? It's a perfect analogy. An over-budget, over-hyped movie turned into a game on a gimmicky, over-priced anal atom bomb of a console exploding with diarrhea!

The Nerd: Well, that's it. The Virtual Boy was such a flop, it died in less than a year. Yeah, and I didn't pick these games, this is all of them. I just reviewed every Virtual Boy game to be released in North America. That's right, I am holding the entire library of games for this piece of shit in my one hand. With the exception of Jack Bros., which is rare, expensive, and probably not worth jack shit.

The Nerd: [playing Jack Bros.] Instantly, it reminds me of Gauntlet. And that's not a bad thing. For such a rare game, it's not half-bad. But it doesn't utilize the Virtual Boy in any unique way. It goes 3D a little when you drop to a lower platform, but overall it just comes down to the same thing. This should've been on Game Boy. This has nothing to do with Virtual Reality. I don't feel like I'm there. They didn't even try to make it virtual: Instead, they were just jackin' off. And that takes care of the whole Virtual Boy catalogue.

The Nerd: Now, to be fair, most of the games were okay, but they're the same kind of games you might as well be playing on a regular TV screen. I mean, they tried to take advantage of some 3D elements, but this wasn't called 3D Boy, it was called Virtual Boy. And they didn't even attempt, they didn't even attempt a virtual reality concept. What it needed was some first-person shooter games, like DOOM. That would've been awesome. Now, it's been about 10 years, the technology's gotten better, but...nobody really gives a shit about virtual reality anymore, and maybe, that's for the best. [blows up Virtual Boy using his middle finger.]

The Wizard of Oz[edit]

The Nerd: But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this Wizard of Oz or Pee-wee's Playhouse? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. (holding an analog clock) OH, GOD! HERE IT IS! WATCH OUT FOR THE CLOCK! (imitates getting attacked by the clock)

The Nerd: Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?

Cowardly Lion: With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
The Nerd: Hey man, did you just swear?!
Cowardly Lion: Uh, (laughs) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! (laughs)
The Nerd: (resumes explaining the game) Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
Cowardly Lion: (Gasps) Die? (Begins to cry)
The Nerd: ...he never comes back!
Cowardly Lion: (The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.)
Cowardly Lion: Fuck!

The Nerd: SHIT! Come on!
Cowardly Lion: (Chuckles) (He sees the Wicked Witch) Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
The Nerd: Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
Cowardly Lion: (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)
The Nerd: Now, shortly after the Witch, you go into the Emerald City.
Cowardly Lion: Yeah. Emerald Shitty Asshole.
The Nerd: Yeah, it's the last stage in the game.
Cowardly Lion: Thank fuckin' God.
The Nerd: And to navigate this place is confusing as all hell.
Cowardly Lion: Hell's confusing.
The Nerd: Yeah, there's times when you're wandering around without any clue where to go.
Cowardly Lion: Yeah, what's that green thing?
The Nerd: That green- I don't know what th- (As soon as the Cowardly Lion enters the green emerald door, the game fades to black.) Oh, that big emerald is a door?
Cowardly Lion: Yeah, yeah, what are you, stupid?
The Nerd: Oh yeah, sure, that's easy to figure out.

The Nerd: Now this is the last room of the game.
Cowardly Lion: About fuckin' time.
The Nerd: All you gotta do is get the two keys up on the top two corners.
Cowardly Lion: Get up there!
The Nerd: Now, what the fuck? I mean, how am I supposed to get under this flame?
Cowardly Lion: Piss on it.
The Nerd: Oh, fuck it. (The Scarecrow gets burned by the flame)

The Nerd: There's no shitty game like this. I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! (The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion poops while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.) DAMN!!! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your SHIT!
(The Lion laughs)

[Outtake]
Cowardly Lion: Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
'The Nerd: [cracking up] Wicked Witch of the ass! [Laughs]

Double Vision Part One[edit]

The Nerd: The Intellivision came from Mattel Electronics. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.

The Nerd: The controls suck ass, and in this regard, the main problem is the controllers. Why a numeric keypad? This is a video game controller, not a phone! Then, there's two little buttons on each side, which are usually the fire buttons. It's awkward to handle. And rather than a joystick or a control pad of some kind, you get this weird disk. Sometimes, in the heat of the game, you can actually jam your fingernail on it. It also acts as a button, so in total, that's seventeen buttons. And for games this complex, you really need that many.

The Nerd: And, the games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.

The Nerd: Here we have Tron Deadly Discs. You just run around throwing shit at people. Seems like it would be a fun little game, but what ruins it for me is how ASS the controls are! Rather than having one simple fire button and aiming with the joypad or disc or whatever, the keypad determines which direction you shoot. (He plays game for a few seconds, but loses.) SHIT THE FUCK!

The Nerd: Microsurgeon. (referring to the cartridge cover art) The picture reminds me of Slim Goodbody. I can't believe I'm making that kind of reference. But anyway, you control a barely visible dot on the screen moving around the human body. There's spiders and clouds floating around and I doubt this thing's medically accurate. You just explore all the guts, technically making it the goriest game ever made. But, it only goes so far. I guess the piss and shit zone just didn't do it.

The Nerd: Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like B-17 Bomber.
Electronic Voice: Mattel Electronics presents: (hillbilly voice) B-17 Bomber.
The Nerd: (mimics the voice) B-17 BOMBER!
Electronic Hillbilly Voice: B-17 Bomber!
The Nerd: Alright, fuck the game. Let's try Bomb Squad.
Electronic Voice: Mattel Electronics presents: Bomb Squad. (Alarm buzzes) They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
The Nerd: What? Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
Electronic Voice: It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
The Nerd: Oh, shit! OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! (Exploding)

Double Vision Part Two[edit]

The Nerd: (Also sprach Zarathustra from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays in the background) What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a Colecovision(The Nerd "struggles" to pick it up.) WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?! IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.

The Nerd: Next is Campaign '84. Yes, a game based on a presidential campaign, probably the worst fucking concept for any game in history. First you pick what you want to accomplish, you know, like what kind of serious issues are on the country, like "ban all shoelaces?" And that's my favorite, cause shoelaces are bullshit.

The Nerd: "You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants." Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!

The Nerd: Robin Hood. I guess you're Robin Hood and you're just shooting the fuck out of people with your arrows. Man, all this violence going on, but the sun is just smiling away.

The Nerd: Alright, well this video is getting out of hand, and we can spend all day talking about these games and discussing them in depth, but I only wanted to give you an introduction to two classic gaming consoles. Now I know we mainly focused on the shitty aspects, but let me tell ya: That's the name of the game.

The Nerd: But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor.
The Nerd: Okay, that would never happen today. That's like if Sony said, "Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the Playstation 3. You're gonna be able to play X-Box games on it." There would be lawsuits up the ass.
The Nerd: And there were more expansion modules. The second one's a steering wheel for the driving games, and the third one connects the fucker to an Adam computer. I wonder if the Addams Family had an Adam computer?
The Nerd: Now the fourth expansion module connects it to a dishwasher. And then, the fifth and final one connects it to your ​ass!

The Wizard and Super Mario Bros. 3[edit]

[Fan versions of the "Angry Video Game Nerd" theme play. Afterwards, the title cards appear, accompanied by the "Super Mario Bros. 3" Hammer Bros. Fight Music.]
The Nerd: I'm gonna review a ​good game for once. Yeah. Now don't worry, I'll go back to torture myself with shitty ones, but for now, let's do somethin' awesome.
The Nerd: Super Mario Bros. 3 is often considered to be the greatest game on the NES, and for good reasons. It took everything that made the first Mario great and multiplied it several times over, adding new intricate levels of gameplay and challenges. Whether it's the top loader, or that classic gray box, the Nintendo Entertainment System was at the height of its popularity when this masterpiece came along to push it over the top and make an everlasting impression, the defining moment of our childhood pastime.
The Nerd: During the final years of the 8-bit era, many other games came along like McKids and Tiny Toon Adventures which tried to emulate its gameplay, its power-up system and overall design. It was one of the first games I remember to have a strategy guide. There was also a Super Mario Bros. 3 cartoon series, even though there was no 2. That's the power that this game had. All you gotta do is say "Mario 3," and anyone will go, "Oh, yeah."
The Nerd: Now, all the hype began before the game was even released. Most of us first heard about Mario 3 in the 1989 movie, The Wizard, an innocent little family flick, but essentially a theatrical Nintendo commercial in disguise as a feature film.
The Nerd: The plot involves a boy named Jimmy suffering from a mental disorder after his sister died. They put him in an institution, his brother breaks him out, and they run away. On top of that, Jimmy is Hell-bent on going to California. [Jimmy says "California!" in multiple scenes] All just because he wants to leave photographs of his sister inside Dinny the Dinosaur, one of two dinosaur statues previously featured in Pee-Wee's Big Adventure.
The Nerd: Along the way, they meet some girl who's also a runaway and they find out that Jimmy kicks ass at Nintendo games, so they enter a video game tournament called Video Armageddon. Throughout the course of all this, they're being chased by some asshole who finds lost kids for money. Meanwhile, he's competing with the father and older brother who are trying to find him first.
The Nerd: So, yeah, that's all great, but do you think any 9-year-old kid gave two fucking shits about the plot of this movie? I know I didn't. I saw it in the theater opening day, and here's a perfect re-enactment, all for you. "What the Hell is this shit? I don't care what these people are talking about. Oh, look back there. What game is this? [reenacting to seeing Fred Savage on the screen] Who the Hell are you? Go back to the freaking Wonder Years, you piece of shit! What game's that? Oh, you hear it? That's Zelda II[: The Adventure of Link]. Oh, what games are they playing? Turn around. Come on, I want to see the damn games." That's what it was like, you'd see a few moments of a game, you'd get excited, and then it's back to the story.
Sam Woods: I got the Scroll Weapon, and I almost beat Mecha-Turtle at the end of Level 3!
The Nerd: While some game lingo was thrown in, the audience, the kids watching the movie, were the experts and would notice anything that was wrong. When Jimmy's playing Double Dragon, he starts mashing buttons before the game even begins. Then after his brother pulls him away, only to turn back, he says:
Corey Woods: 50,000? You got 50,000 on Double Dragon?
The Nerd: 50,000? How could you get 50,000 points in less than a minute, and why such a random number? Also note that it's not the arcade version of Double Dragon, it's the Nintendo version, which means that he's playing it on the PlayChoice-10, an arcade clone of games that were also on the NES. Obviously an endorsement from Nintendo. But the tabletop one in the diner, I've never seen that. Then, there's the Nintendo Power Tip line. That's right, people sitting around waiting to help you with any game problem you have.
Haley Brooks: [Castlevania II:] Simon's Quest.
The Nerd: Just call that 900 number, and rack your parents' phone bill up the ass. Enter Lucas, the other villain, the opposing game expert of the film.
Lucas Barton: Pick any game you want. I'm good at all of them. I have 97 of them.
Haley Brooks: You know all 97 of them?
The Nerd: Today, there's about 800 Nintendo games, but for the time being, let's say, "Okay, Lucas ​is the master at Nintendo because he has all 97 games." You wanna be as badass as him, right? Well, you better get your parents to take out a loan, and get ya every Nintendo game.
The Nerd: And, of course, the biggest advertisement ever in a movie: the Power Glove. He proves his radicalness by playing Rad Rader. Rock music comes on, which doesn't belong from the game. You can chop out 20 seconds of this, repackage it, and air it on TV, and there you go, it's a commercial for the Power Glove.
Lucas Barton: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad.
The Nerd: The Wizard was a rare instance in product placement when the prime moviegoers were interested in the product rather than the movie itself. Again, much like in Pee-Wee, it ends with a big chase through a movie studio, this time the Universal backlot, from the Monster movie sets, to where King Kong attacks the trolley. Universal Theme Park was just about to open in Florida that following year. Another endorsement? Well, it's a Universal film, so of course.
The Nerd: The highlight is the game tournament, where the three finalists, Jimmy, Lucas, and some geeky bitch that nobody cares about [Mora Grissom], all compete in a game that nobody had even played yet! With the craziest host ever and the most epic introduction to anything in existence on the planet, this is when for the first time we set our eyes on ​Super Mario Bros. 3. Not only did it blow our minds to get a preview of this game on the big screen, but it also gave us a big tip. Who the fuck would know the first time playing to fly up over the ceiling and get the magic flute, and then to use it as a warp to get to World 4? After seeing The Wizard, we sure did.
Sam Woods: Jimmy! Watch the mushrooms!
The Nerd: Rather than it being a simple test of who makes it the farthest, they had some weird scoring system with knights running. How exactly do they keep score? But, who cares? This movie may be a mess, but it lives on in our hearts with a sentimental quality. Just the fact that they actually have Wizard reunions is a testament to that.
The Nerd: But now, let's talk about Mario 3. This is gonna be short, because there's not much you can say that already hasn't been said a million times, but I'll put it blunt and simple: This game kicks your ass 'til diarrhea comes out your dick. The only thing better than playing this game would be to have a magic leprechaun come and bring you beer.
The Nerd: There's 8 worlds, each with a different theme: desert, snow, sky, and my favorite is the one where everything's giant. Each of the worlds has a big map screen where you can select which level you play. At first, it's as simple as clearing each level and moving on, but later the paths become more complicated, whether it means going through pipes, breaking through boundaries, or sailing over water, but the actual levels are what it's all about. Slide through a bunch of bad guys, oh, that's so much fun.
The Nerd: The two-player game has a perfect balance. It's where you can either work together to complete the game or just compete for items and race each other to the end. Or you could die deliberately so that the other player will have to play the hard levels.
The Nerd: There's card games, puzzle games, and even a bonus stage where you can play the original Mario Bros. arcade. Again, this offers many possibilities to be an asshole toward the other player.
The Nerd: The power-ups are awesome. In the original Mario, there's the Mushroom and Fire Flower, but now. there's the Leaf that turns you into a Raccoon. You can break blocks with your tail, or if you get a good stretch of land to run, enough to get your P-bar up, you can fly for a short period of time. But if you get the P-wing, you can fly through the whole level. There's also the P-switch that turns blocks into coins. What does "P" stand for? And why is there so much "P" in this game? It's not full of shit, it's full of "P."
The Nerd: What about the power-ups? You also have a Frog Suit that swims a lot easier, you got a Hammer Suit which throws hammers, and a Tanooki Suit that turns into a statue. I dunno what that's about. I mean, I know you use it to protect yourself from enemies, but man, what kind of crack were they smoking? But the really cool thing is that you can save these power-ups and use them whenever you need them. Like, before the start of the level you might think, "Eh, it's time to break out the Frog suit."
The Nerd: The enemies in the game are out of control. You got these Goombas hopping around in wind-up boots. Then you got an angry sun, Big Bertha, and nuclear waffles. Not to mention you gotta fight all the Koopa Kids and beat Bowser at the end.
The Nerd: Alright, going through the pipes, oh, wait, oh-- BULLSHIT! What a bunch of fuckin' bullshit! Come on, you piece of shit. Come on, MOVE YOUR ASS!
The Nerd: Hey, how do I get this flower over here? I dunno, I'm just gonna try to... [groans] Come on! Yeah, alright. This game's tricky-dicky. It's pretty damn hard, too.
The Nerd: Then there's this part where the only way to reach the goal is to fly in the air, while holding a Koopa shell, and break all the blocks. Who'd even think to go up there?
The Nerd: Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like "You got to the end. You dare to play? Welcome to Hell!" That's what it looks like. All of this fire and skulls? Looks like Hell! There's sort of like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the devil! [looks at a cannon shaped like the cross] Oh, my God, of course it does. Why's there so many inverted crosses?
The Nerd: [reaches ice blocks shaped like an H] What's the H stand for? "Hell"? How 'bout the part with the tarot cards? The N? "Necronomicon?" The P must be "Possession". Or maybe "Pentagram." Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. There's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the seven deadly sins.
The Nerd: You kneel before Satan on the block and after six seconds, you fall through. There's six arrows on the possession meter, [referring to one particular level] and to reach the goal, you go in the sixth door. That's 666! Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast! In The Wizard, the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
Video Armaggedon host: Come up here, my little beauties!
Corey and Haley: 6! 6! 6!
The Nerd: Yeah! "Video Armaggedon." The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. [chuckles] Yeah, literally, the hills have eyes. [referring to Toad's text "Oh, thank heavens!"] Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of Hell. There's eight worlds. In the eighth world there's five spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's twelve tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me twelve jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The eighth letter of the alphabet is H, five equals E, twelve equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? [the Nerd reverses the video game footage, and whispering sounds play] This game's a product of the fucking Devil. And none of the other Mario games are like that, so I don't know why it's only this one. But, in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3, it's a good game. So good it's a sin.
Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge: Your mother!
[NES Toploader floats down to the floor]
The Nerd: Oh, my. [the controller is yanked off the Nerd's hands, and the Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge chuckles evilly. He slaps the Nerd with the controller, knocking off his glasses, and the Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge laughs evilly, while turning around] Oh, my God, it's a possessed NES!
Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge: [burps and pukes onto the Nerd's face] Your mother sucks cocks in Hell!
[The Nerd gets angry and pulls Super Mario Bros. 3 out of the NES]
The Nerd: [What] The fuck did you just say?
Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge: I said, "Your mother sucks cocks in Hell."
[The Nerd exclaims in fear, and makes cross with his fingers.]
The Nerd: Go back to Hell, you evil motherfucker!
Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge: Shove it up your ass, you motherfucking cocksucker!
The Nerd: The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge: What an excellent fucking day for an exorcism!
The Nerd: The power of Christ compels you! [Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge growls] The power of Christ compels you!
Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge: [snarls] Fuck your mother!
The Nerd: The power of Super Mecha Death Christ compels you!
Super Mecha Death Christ: [enters the room] FUCKERS! FUCKERS! [shoots Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge]
Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge: !sparts eseht odnu yldnik ,oS .liveD eht m'I
The Nerd: Yeah, Super Mecha Death Christ 2000 B.C. Version 4.0 BETA, BITCH!
Super Mecha Death Christ: [yells] FUCKERS! [uses heat vision on Super Mario Bros. 3 and keeps shooting at the Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge] FUCKERS!! FUCKERS!! [shouting] FUCKERS! MOTHERFUCKER!
[the Possessed Super Mario Bros. 3 Cartridge is destroyed]
The Nerd: Holy shit.
[Super Mecha Death Christ shoots the Nerd, who yells the Wilhelm Scream]
Super Mecha Death Christ: WATCH THAT FUCKIN' LANGUAGE!
[the cartridge demon appears]
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS!
[Super Mecha Death Christ and the Demon have a showdown. Then, the Demon calls out his game consoles minions, shocking Super Mecha Death Christ. The Nerd is on top of his air conditioner and wearing his NES Accessory Suit]
The Nerd: All right. Who wants some?!
[The PlayStation and 2 NES consoles start attacking the Nerd, but the Nerd has time to react by shooting them with his Super Scope]
The Nerd: MOTHERFUCKER!
[The PlayStation shoots Memory Cards, the 1st NES shoots game cartridges, and the 2nd NES console shoots fire, all going to the Nerd, but the Nerd protects himself with his cape [NES Accessory: Power Pad]]
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS!
[NES controller wraps around the Nerd's leg but the Nerd shoots it with his Konami LaserScope. The N64 controller starts moving around and gets killed by the Nerd]
The Nerd: MOTHERFUCKER!
[The Nerd starts shooting at various game consoles, like the Coleco Vision, and Sega Saturn. The Virtual Boy starts coming towards the Nerd and shoots heat vision at the Nerd, but the Nerd protects himself with the Power Pad and blows up the Virtual Boy, and the Sega Genesis. The Book of the Dead starts laughing]
The Nerd: WHOA, NOT YOU!
[The Nerd shoots The Book of the Dead as Super Mecha Death Christ and the Demon still have a showdown. An SNES jumps to the Nerd, but the Nerd catches it and tears it apart. The Nerd withdraws his Super Scope and shoots the 1st NES and withdraws his left NES Zapper and shoots the Sega Master System and withdraws his right NES Zapper]
The Nerd: I'm the lord of the harvest!!! Bring it down, bring it down!!!
[The Nerd shoots rapidly with 2 Zappers and kills the TurboGrafx-16]
The Nerd: [yells wildly]
[The Nerd destroys the 3DO, and Sega Dreamcast with his Zappers. The Nerd shoots the 2nd NES and the PlayStation with his Konami Laser Scope, Zapper, and Super Scope. And it becomes the final showdown: The Nerd and Super Mecha Death Christ vs. the Demon. The Nerd and Super Mecha Death Christ shoot the Demon until the Demon explodes and dies.]
The Nerd: We annihilated 'em!
Super Mecha Death Christ: YES, WE DID! [notices the Nerd's NES Accessory suit] WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SHIT?
The Nerd: Oh. All this shit? [nods] I'll tell you all about it.

NES Accessories[edit]

The Nerd: [Reviewing the Miracle Piano] Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! (Begins tapping keys rapidly) Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!

The Nerd: [reviewing the Power Pad and playing World Class Track Meet with it] It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.

The Nerd: Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the stupidest thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To "put the speed at your fingers?" Why in the ass would I need that? If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even sell such a thing? Even though it's made by a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.

The Nerd: [Reviewing the voice-controlled Konami LaserScope] FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look "so cool" walking around listening to my iPod with this fucking thing on my head. It also advertises that "Parents will love what they don't hear." It says, "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah. While you're saying, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!", it kinda defeats the purpose, right? FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! FIRE! Fuck! [game shoots] I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!" FUCK! FUCK-FIRE! FUCK! FUCK! ASS! You can say anything. SHIT! BITCH! CUNT! FUCK! FART! [shifts to Duck Hunt] FUCK! Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' "Fuck!"

The Nerd: [Reviewing the Roll n' Rocker] It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing?! [sees it was produced by LJN] Son of a bitch.

The Nerd: It doesn't work. It just doesn't work. I need a beer. [drinks Rolling Rock beer, then notices the coincidental title similarity] I'm drinking Rolling Rock on the Roll n' Rocker! Rolling Rock! Roll n' Rocker! Yeah-hah, Rolling Rock on the Roll n' Rocker!

The Nerd: [Playing Super Mario Bros. with the U-Force] Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.

The Nerd: [After reviewing U-Force] So, that covers the most of the dreaded NES Accessories, now I know that there's one in particular I didn't mention, [as he talks, ROB the Robot is behind Nerd's shoulder] but, you know, can't do it all in one shot. So, we'll save it till later, I'll see ya next time, (puts on Indiana Jones hat) I think you'll know what's next.

Indiana Jones Trilogy[edit]

AVGN: (reviewing Raiders of the Lost Ark on Atari 2600) This is the whip. It's the same as the gun, just a shorter range! Why is it just a dot?! I know the graphics on the Atari are limited, but don't tell me you can't draw a line!

AVGN: If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, why the fuck would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a door?!

AVGN: You'd expect Indiana Jones to use a whip to swing across, but not an hourglass that turns into a grappling hook!

AVGN: Wow. How complicated can it be for an Atari game? Let alone that this is one of the few Atari games that you can actually beat, whereas most of them are just about trying to get a high score. Now when I say it can be beat, that's hypothetical because honestly I think it'd be easier to find the real Lost Ark. Just the fact you have to feel around for secret passageways and stuff, it makes you feel like Indiana Jones. ...Well, they got me there.

AVGN: (Reviewing Temple of Doom for NES) What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.

AVGN: All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
Enemy: Huh! Huh!
AVGN: Huh! It should be a dance. (Pretends he's whipping) Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!

AVGN: Some call it a platformer game, some call it an adventure game. I classify it as a "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of game. Yeah, one of those.

AVGN: Who would want to play this!? I'd rather drink buffalo "shizz". It's a combination of shit and jizz. Yeah, that's foul, I apologize.

AVGN: (reviewing The Last Crusade on NES) How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?

AVGN: What dumbasses made this game? I should've sent it to the Marx brothers.

AVGN: You'd think Indiana Jones would've been a great concept for a side-scroller game, but they just kept fucking it up! How'd they do this?! It's ass! But here's one which was actually pretty decent, so let's take a quick look. (inserts Indiana Jones' Greatest Adventures into the SNES) Indiana Jones' Greatest Adventures is exactly what you'd expect of a movie based game on Super Nintendo. You move from left to right killing a bunch of bad guys with your whip. It's more self-explanatory than most of the previous games, which makes it easy to pick up and play. And thank God it has a password system with only four characters, making it easy to continue where you left off. Best of all, the stages all follow scenes from the movies. That's right, from Raiders to Crusade. One thing I find funny is that the final boss is the skeleton, you know when Donovan drinks the wrong grail? Kinda reminds me of a Castlevania game. Overall, LucasArts gave the same care and attention to the franchise as they did with their Star Wars Trilogy, except here they're all rolled into one game. Same as me combining 3 reviews into one, but, hey, now I'm pushing 4, so let's end this thing.

Star Trek[edit]

The Nerd: [imitating Captain James T. Kirk] Games: The final frontier. These are the voyages of the starship NES. Its continuing mission: To explore strange, old consoles; To seek out bad games and review these humiliations; to boldly go where no Nerd has gone before.
[the Star Trek rock music plays over the credits]
[The Nerd is beamed into his chair]
The Nerd: Whew. Man. Wow, next time, I'm taking a shuttle craft. I don't like having my molecules scrambled all over space. Well, anyway, what can I say about Star Trek? It's one of the biggest cult phenomenons of all time, and as a result, there's a whole galaxy of Star Trek related electronic video games. So much that it overloads my sensory input neuro-capacitors. So, let's just check out a few.
The Nerd: First, let's try out Star Trek: The Motion Picture for the Vectrex. The Vectrex has a built in screen and a controller attached. [intrigued] Fascinating.
The Nerd: What made this thing unique for 1982 was that it used vector graphics. All straight lines, no pixelation, bright and vibrant. This is the way many of the early arcades were, but the Vectrex brought it into the home.
The Nerd: Only thing, there's no color, but here's how they got around that. Each game came with an overlay, you just slide it over the screen and there you go. I failed to see the point.
The Nerd: Anyway, you're just flying around blasting enemy Romulans and Klingons. You can raise your shields to defend the Enterprise, but this depletes your energy which means that you need to refuel by locking on to your space station.
The Nerd: One thing that's incredibly annoying is this loud buzzing sound. It reacts to the graphics. It's caused by a lack of shielding between the ray tube and the speaker wire. It's penetrating my auditory nerves, I must deactivate this game's power supply. [turns the Vectrex off]
The Nerd: Next up, Star Trek: Strategic Operations Simulator for the Atari 2600 electronic gaming console. Basically, it's the same sort of game. You're just flying around blasting Klingon ships. You have to touch a certain amount of star bases before you can advance to the next sector.
The Nerd: You have sort of a radar screen at the top. You could almost look at this screen the whole time you're playing, so it's kinda like having two different angles. I find this to be an incredibly simple game, but for whatever reason they decided to make an overlay for the controller.
The Nerd: Next up, same game, same name, the name which just rolls off your tongue: Star Trek Strategic Operations Simulator for ColecoVision and Adam Family Computer System.
The Nerd: Like I said, it's the same game, but the graphics are improved. The ships are more detailed, the explosions are better, and your shield, photon and warp power are all clearly indicated, instead of just having mysterious blocks. (attacks Klingon ships) Yeah, take that, you sons of bitches. Damn Klingons. Klingons suck my ass.
[the screen turns fuzzy]
The Nerd: Wait, what's going on? There appears to be an interference.
[the screen shows a Klingon ship. The Nerd's jaw drops, then the ship fires at his house. The Enterprise Red Alert siren starts going off while the room glows red]
The Nerd: What's the meaning of this attack?
[a Klingon, played by Mike Matei, appears on the screen]
Klingon: AAAARRGH! Fot-o-Nerd!
The Nerd: Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? [The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis] You can have Genesis.
[Klingon ship shoots at The Nerd's house again]
The Nerd: Come on, this isn't fair: Come down and fight!
[The original Star Trek battle music plays as the Klingon walks into the room and pulls out a knife.]
Klingon: Aah! Foka-bla! Ko-na-chu! Ga-fo-chu!
[The Nerd karate chops the Klingon's arm dropping the knife then proceeding to fight the Klingon more eventually bringing out a phaser and blasting the Klingon out of existence]
The Nerd: [relieved] Whew. Well, lesson learned: Don't say anything bad about Klingons. Klingons don't fuck around.
The Nerd: Anyway, we've seen how simple the early Star Trek games are, but as they went on they became more intricate, and there's tons of them. So, let's focus on just one more: Star Trek 25th Anniversary for the NES. To begin with, the music and the graphics are quite good, but my senses indicate a large deposit of bullshit. The storyline involves the Enterprise getting trapped in some kind of dimensional gravitation gate. Whatever that is.
The Nerd: Unable to engage the warp engine, Scotty says that we need to replenish our supplied dilithium crystals. So that's all good, but cut me a break. You give me so much text to read, it's more like a Star Trek novel than playing a fuckin' game.
The Nerd: Spock detects dilithium crystals hidden on a nearby planet, so Kirk, McCoy and Spock all beam down to explore. You're relieved to finally start walking around and doing stuff. But only then is when you realize how astronomically ass this game is.
The Nerd: The first enemies you encounter are plants that spit at you. The projectiles are practically invisible, but lethal as Hell. You just wanna phaser fuck these little bastards to death, but they're almost impossible to hit. The problem is in the walking. You can't go diagonal, only straight up and down, or left and right. But you move like you're locked down on a grid.
The Nerd: Then you encounter these tiny little worms that crawl all over you. Think because they're so small, they won't hurt you much, but no, these things are serious. So anyway, you're trying to find these dilithium crystals which Spock says is located in some ancient temple. So you talk to some of the natives, and they're like, "Sure, we don't care, you crazy spacemen from the distant future who we've never seen before! Go ahead and raid our holy temple!" In fact, they even offer to help make a repellent for the blood worms in the forest. It's like, "Hey, you wanna rob my house? Here's the key." Most illogical. Only thing, you gotta bring back a shooting flower so they can make the repellent. Shooting flower? You mean these things?
The Nerd: So you stun it with the phaser, and you pick it up. Now, of course picking up objects in this game is never simple. You think you just touch it and that's it, but, no, you gotta stand next to it, scan it with the tricorder, and talk it over with Spock and McCoy, and then finally pick the fucking thing up. So you take the plant to the witch doctor, and he makes repellent, and once again you gotta pick it up. "Shall I add the repellent to our inventory, sir? Yes or no?" Yes, of course. Please do. Why would I say "no"? It's like my crew are out of their minds! Also, they do a miserable job following you. Come on, how would anyone get stuck on a bush? So we get past the blood worms, shoot some sort of wolf sort of creature, and have dialog afterwards. "Will it be alright?" Who the Hell cares? It tried to kill us! Just shoot the fucking things and move on! A ghostly dragon pops out of a hole and then I'm suddenly interrupted by a dialog box saying "Be careful, Jim. That creature looks like a dragon from Terran mythology." [Kirk shoots the dragon] Yeah, thanks.
The Nerd: So next thing, you're in the temple. You come to a series of rooms with weird symbols on the floor. If you just try to walk across, you die. You gotta know right pattern. So before you even get to this room, you gotta memorize the order in which the symbols appear on the wall. So, unless you have an amazing memory, you gotta write it all down. And that sounds like fun, right? Why not play a game where you write down cryptic symbols? By the way, these symbols look extraordinary familiar. (Led Zeppelin music plays) So many symbol combinations and many dialog boxes later, you finally get the crystals, and then it's back to the Enterprise. Here, it's more like a role playing game, or a simulation game. There's many things to do, and many planets to explore.
The Nerd: If you're a fan of Star Trek, you'll notice it's pretty loyal to the original series, and if you play it for a while, you might be able to get into it and adjust to its crap factor. Not to be confused with warp factor. But for me, most of the time, I just can't figure out where to go or what to do. I tried calling the game a piece of shit, I tried giving it the finger, but verbal and gestural persuasions proved ineffective.
The Nerd: Anyway, this part of the game is based on the episode "A Piece of the Action," where you travel back in time to 1920's Earth.
The Nerd: First, you gotta find a library card, then you gotta get back your lost communicator. You zap two guys, you find a diamond, you exchange it with the shop owner for a marked deck of cards, then you find a bone on the sidewalk, and a gumball from some guy with a dog, then you find a hair pin, and then you find a stick, you have to put the gumball on the end of the stick, put it in the gutter, and fish out some coins, then you talk to a bar tender and get Oxmyx's phone number, give him the diamond in exchange for some plates, you take the plates to the police, use the hairpin and the bone to open up the door, find counterfeit money, use the coins on the phone booth, give the operator the number, go in to talk to Oxmyx about the communicator, he tells you to go to Cracko's place, he tells you Bonehead Malone has the communicator, you go to the casino, you give Bonehead the money, you give him your marked deck of cards and you get the communicator!
[The Nerd looks shocked]
The Nerd: [mouths] What the fuck...?
[The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]
The Nerd: No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. [to air] You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. [a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.] You're a Metron.
Metron: Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?
The Nerd: Not really.
Metron: You surprise me.
The Nerd: How?
Metron: By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.
The Nerd: Mercy this, motherfucker! [shoots the Metron]
Metron: OHHHHHHH!

Superman[edit]

AVGN: It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! Superman for the Atari 2600. I'm playing it on the 7800 just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word "super" is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! (Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown) Yeah, this sucks.

AVGN: (reviewing Superman on Atari 2600) The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!

AVGN: (reviewing Superman on NES) You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. "Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!" What, are you kidding me? He's Superman! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!

AVGN: There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any relevance with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to "look into the Death Star, or you will die". Well, the Death Star is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. (talks to an NPC in Superman) "Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?" Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this garbage!

AVGN: (discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a Daily Planet newspaper) What? "Daily Planets"? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. "Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!"? What, are we talking about stocks now? "Find out why stock prices have fallen". "You'll learn about stocks at the stock market." Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the stock market? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the stock market? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-why? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like "What were they thinking!?" Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-(raspberry). Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! (Tosses the game out the window)

AVGN: That's it, Superman is doomed! What is it about Superman that just spells, shit! It's like they couldn't make a good Superman game. But there's one in particular that everyone wants me to review. So here's a typical MySpace message. "and that game is... -drum roll- -dramatic silence- superman 64" "you should do a review on e.t. or superman64" "I have a special demand no, a BIG DEMAND. Do you think you can play more than four minutes of one of the worst N64 games ever? calling: SUPERMAN!" "I'd love to see you review "Superman" on the N64." "Could you review Superman for the Nintendo 64?" "dude u should comment on superman 64" "Ever heard of Superman 64..." "you should review...(gulps)..Superman 64" "I recall think you should consider either ET for the Atari or superman 64..." "play or make a video of Superman 64" "Can u do a review of Superman 64 on AVGN? So plz do a review of superman 64." "That's Right; SUPERMAN 64." "Do you need a copy of Superman 64?" "I'll donate Superman 64" "I think he should do Superman 64." "wanted to know if you ever played superman 64" "Superman for the N64" "superman on the N64." "Superman 64," "superman 64," "Superman 64," "Superman 64," "SUPERMAN64," "Superman 64," "Superman 64" "superman 64." "superman64" "superman 64"! (the Nerd is shocked) Well, damn! Well you want it? You got it! Next review is gonna be: Superman 64. (Crowd cheers and applauds for the Nerd. Wow, they really wanted it.)

Superman 64[edit]

AVGN: Okay the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, Superman... on Commodore 64.

AVGN: Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, "WOW!" But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in "column: 09 row:10"? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- [the "NOW LOADING" screen appears yet again] You son of a bitch. Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not saying much. That's like saying the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.

AVGN: The third level is a side scroller so it has some variety. But this is one of the most annoying stages in video game history. Whenever you get hit, you fly back! Fuck... fuck! FUCK! FUUUCCCKK!! That's enough of this shit! [Turns off the Commodore 64]

AVGN: But wait, this isn't what you want to see, is it? Nah, you want to see this, right? (holds up Superman 64 cartridge) Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious. Here it goes. (inserts Superman 64 cartridge into Nintendo 64) I'm turning on the power.

AVGN: First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. "Titus"? What the fuck is that?

AVGN: You all probably know better than I, and it goes without saying, but this game is horrendous! And you know what the most pathetic thing about it is? This game isn't even ten years old! Just barely. You think that by 1999 there would be some kind of quality standard. [Superman gets stuck] What? I'm stuck? How the hell am I stuck? I'm underneath the bridge! Looks like Superman's stroking his super dick.

AVGN: [Superman is flying upside down on the ground] Oh man, what is he doing? Exercises? This is so ridiculous. This game isn't just bad, it's really bad! I'm not even kidding around, IT'S FUCKING HORSESHIT!! [trying the ring segment again] Almost there, less than 10 seconds. Come on, I can just barely make it! Look, there's the last ring! [the time limit runs out] FUCK! ASS! BITCH! CUNT! FART! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!! There was only one ring left!

AVGN: I can't believe I'm playing a Superman game where all you do is fly through rings! At first I thought this was the training mode. Yeah, you know, like to test your accuracy? Lots of games have that. Remember Star Fox for the Super Nintendo? There's a training mode where you have to fly through rings. But even then, you don't have to go through all the rings, it's about how many you can get through in a row. In the actual game, you're flying around shooting at enemies and dodging obstacles. So what the hell is this shit!? You should be fighting bad guys, not testing your flight skills with some of the worst control accuracy ever in a video game!

AVGN: And am I really doing this? Is this a Superman game? Flying through rings? Is that the best they could come up with? That's like if they made a Batman game where all he does is just play hopscotch.

AVGN: (after finishing the car-carrying stage 4) So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of insanity test!? Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit taking a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly loathsome! It's a fucking suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fucking Nerd! (unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into into it while a rock version of Superman Theme plays.)

Batman Part One[edit]

The Nerd: [dressed up as Batman] All right, let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, [puts on Bat-Mask] in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... [puts on glasses] [Batman voice] ...you gotta be Batman.

Batnerd: Let's start with Batman: The Caped Crusader for the Commodore 64. This game came out a year before the Tim Burton movie, which makes it the only game on our list that's not movie-licensed. You get a choice to fight against the Penguin or the Joker, but both games seem to be identical. I never really got far enough to find out. Every time you exit a screen, another panel pops up. I guess they were trying to make it look like a comic book, but it's just awkward. The first enemies you encounter are what I think are toy airplanes and gargoyles or bats which take shits on you. Yeah, if you look close enough, you can see the little shit bombs dropping out of their asses.
Batnerd: The control is weird. As you can see the instruction manual explains it. To do different punches and kicks, you have to hold the joystick in a certain direction while hitting the button. It's also ridiculous trying to hit anybody. You have to be like a step away, and no matter how many times you hit somebody, they don't die! [The Batnerd is fighting a bad guy] Die! [The bad guy refuses to die] What the Hell? [The Batnerd looks at the screen in shock]
Batnerd: There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that active this thing by pressing down and the button. So, I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What is all this shit? "Restart game?" Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? [tries to type the N on the keyboard, but it doesn't respond] Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, that's another thing about the Commodore; It only works when it feels like it. Well, anyway, game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment. [holds the floppy disk close to his face] [Batman voice] I'm Batman. [throws "Batman: The Caped Crusader" Commodore 64 floppy disk to the ground]

Batnerd: [voiceover] Next is the one which most people know: Batman on the NES. Overall, when it comes to games, the Dark Knight's been treated a lot better than Superman, because there do exist good Batman games, and this is one of 'em. The graphics are dark and stylish, just like the movie it represents, and the music is kick-ass. [deep 8-bit music from "Batman: The Video Game" on NES]
Batnerd: [voiceover] The gameplay is addicting; You have a punch and a variety of Bat-Weapons. You have a Ninja-Gaiden-style wall jump which is something you really got to get used to, because as the game progresses, it gets trickier and trickier. There's this one part where I swear you have no choice but to get hit by these spinning gears. [Batman gets hit by a gear] Getting up to the Joker takes a lot of patience, and if you actually beat him, you deserve a medal. A good game for the NES library, but a hard son-of-a-bitch.

Batnerd: [voiceover] Next up, Batman Returns on Super Nintendo. With the release of the movie sequel, many more games came along to cash in on the franchise. This one's a lot simpler, just a good old arcade-style beat-'em-up. It's mind-numbing and redundant, but it's satisfying as Hell. I just beat the shit out of 'em.

Batnerd: [voiceover] There were many versions of Batman Returns, and here's one on Sega CD. It showed off some impressive graphics for the time, like the cinematic shot of Batman behind the wheel, and the 3D driving stages. To tell you the truth, I never made it past these driving stages, it just goes on and on. Boring as shit, next game.
Batnerd: [Batman voice] I'm Batman. [the Batnerd throws the "Batman Returns" Sega CD disc like a Frisbee and it breaks]

Batnerd: [voiceover] Next up, Batman Returns for the Atari Lynx. A lot of these early handheld consoles had the same problem, you can barely see the screen. You gotta tilt it at the right angle, so this isn't going to be easy to play.
Batnerd: Anyway, you're just going around punchin' people. It's pretty self-explanatory, but Goddamn, is it hard! I keep getting hit by dynamite, and I can barely see where it's coming from! And there doesn't seem to be any kind of jump attack! Damn!
Batnerd: Alright, well this one gets the official Bat-Stamp of Shit! Onto the next game, but first, gotta tell it I'm Batman. [Batman voice] I'm Batmaaaaaaaaaaaaaan.

Batnerd: [voiceover] The Adventures of Batman & Robin on Super Nintendo. Yeah, of course they had to make a Batman game based off of every Batman movie that came out, but they also had to do one based off The Animated Series. It's kinda like a cross between a beat-'em-up and a 2D side-scroller; You just keep moving right and bashing everyone in your way. But then there comes times where you need to have a little problem solving to figure out what to do. Sometimes it gets kinda annoying, like this part. [Batman tries to jump on the roller-coaster, but he fails] How the Hell was I supposed to know I can't jump on the rollercoaster? But, in conclusion, this is one that you might want to try out. Not a bad game, let it pass.

Batnerd: [voiceover] Next up, Batman Forever for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit because this game is triceratops testicles. Since the side-scrolling, driving, and beat-'em-up thing had already been done to death, my guess is that they were attempting something a little different with this game.
Batnerd: [voiceover] As soon as it begins, you'll notice it bears an uncanny resemblance to Mortal Kombat. It's literally the same control scheme with all the same moves. [shows footage from the Sega CD version of "Mortal Kombat"] Being that it was also made by Acclaim, it makes you wonder why they would repackage a fighting game into a Batman game. I almost expect to see Batman rip someone's spinal cord out. This kind of fighting style just doesn't work for a platforming side-scroller like this. It just slows things down! Whenever you knock somebody down, you gotta wait for them to get back up again. You hit him again, and it just goes on, and on, and on! It's also real annoying that up is jump where's there's plenty of buttons to choose from! But that's only the beginning to how atrociously ass this fuckfest is!
Batnerd: [voiceover] Within the first minute or two, you come to a wall, which is pretty much a dead end. You can't do jack-shit! So you figure, "OK, I probably have to go up there." So you try jumping all around, but it's useless.
Batnerd: [voiceover] You try every possible combination of buttons until you find that Select shoots this wire out of your crotch. That's real random, right? The Select button? But this wire, or grappling hook, whatever, it doesn't latch on to anything, almost as if it's just for show. At first, I thought you just needed to stand in the right spot, but, no matter where I go, nothing happens!
Batnerd: [tries to get up to the 2nd floor] [voiceover] Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' bullshit! You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but no, it jumps!
Batnerd: [voiceover] Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck until I found out that, okay, this is how it works: To shoot up, you press select and up in a very specific way. You have to press select slightly before you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! THAT'S A GOOD REASON WHY THE JUMP BUTTON SHOULD NOT BE UP!! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' BUTTONS?! HAVING THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!! If this [up on the d-pad] aimed your grappling hook and THIS [B button] jumped, THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT NO, THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!
Batnerd: [voiceover] And on top of that, you have to be standing in the correct spot. And this spot is very precise. You think all that would mattered is if you were under the hole, but NO! It's like EXACT! THIS ONE MAGIC PIXEL OF A SPOT! YOU GOTTA BE RIGHT ON THE MARK!
Batnerd: [voiceover] So you just lumber all around trying to figure out where to go, and whenever you access a new part of the game, it says "Hold On"! HOLD ON FOR WHAT?! IT HAS TO FUCKIN' LOAD?!
Batnerd: [voiceover] It's also interesting to note that you have the option of playing as Robin. But who would do that? I wanna be Batman.
Batnerd: [voiceover] I guess the goal is to rescue all the security guards. When you untie them, they do this melodramatic sort of pose, like, "Yay, I'm free!"
Batnerd: [voiceover] The villains are all stock, it's just guys in flashy suits and guys with chainsaws. OOOOH! Look at that, chainsaw to the dick. Why does it take so long to kill people?
[the Batnerd is shown getting ​real annoyed and puts his left hand in his utility belt]
Batnerd: [voiceover] Everything's so dark, you can never tell where there's a door. Then you walk back, and look for one of those spots where you can use your grappling dick. [Batman manages to jump onto his grappling hook] See, right there. That was just a lucky guess.
Batnerd: [voiceover] Another problem is the fuckin' foreground keeps blocking me! It's like GET THAT SHIT OUT OF THE WAY, I CAN'T SEE WHAT I'M DOIN'! I'D RATHER HAVE A DIARRHEA DOG TAKE A LAVA DUMP ALL OVER THE SCREEN!
Batnerd: [voiceover] And just when you thought you had the controls all figured out, you come to this part where you need to jump down. You'd expect to be able to just simply push Down, maybe in combination with the jump button. But, oh, that's right, there is no fucking jump button. It's Up. That would be pretty impressive, to be able to press Down and Up at the same time. Well, anyway, you try every combination imaginable, and guess what? It's Down and R! YEAH, R! THAT'S NOT EVEN ONE OF THE MAIN BUTTONS! WHY R?! And again, the R button has to be tapped slightly before you press Down. And sometimes there isn't even a hole to tell you where you're able to do that! WHY IS EVERYTHING SO CRYPTIC?!
[the Batnerd is in shock over how bad the controls are in "Batman Forever" on Super NES]
Batnerd: LIKE, THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!!! It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, not a basic move that you have to do in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, ridiculous fashion?! It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! LIKE, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?! Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit!? It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, up is jump?! Select for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the menus, or something. I mean, geez! Like, were they trying to just ruin this game? Just, flat out just fuck it up?! Well, they did! Batman Forever, it sucked back then, and it sucks forever! [takes the game out of the Super Nintendo and stares at it.]
Batnerd: [Batman voice] I'm Batmaaaaan. [throws the cartridge]
Batnerd: [talking in Christian Bale's Batman voice] That's it. That's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over. [the Joker laughs insanely behind the couch.]
Joker: [played by Mike Matei] Batman, Batman, you wanna play a really shitty Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how about Return of the Joker on Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
Batnerd: [normal voice] Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman. though.
Joker: You're not Batman, Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! [laughs] Come on, Batman, let's play! [Batnerd punches the Joker then grabs the Joker as the Batman Returns theme music plays in the background]
Batnerd: I'm not playing anymore shitty Batman games!
Joker: [chortles] Oh, yes, you are! [he squirts water in Batnerd out of daisy while he laughs] Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! [Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand but gets shocked by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs crazily and puts the NES cartridge in the NES top loader and the text says "To Be Continued..."]
Batnerd: [narrating] Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode! Same Bat Time! Same Bat Channel!

Batman Part Two[edit]

Joker: [laughs crazily and puts Batman: Return of the Joker on the NES Toploader] Batty batty bat, batty batty bat! [laughs]
Batnerd: OK, so I guess because the Joker's in the title and I'm playing Batman: Return of the Joker on NES. It's a follow up to the first Batman game on the NES. They couldn't wait for the next movie to come out so they had to make an instant sequel. Unlike the first game, where you had the option to punch or switch between an inventory of weapons, this game basically gives you one weapon, a Batgun. You can get a lot of upgrades for this weapon, but I can't help but find it strange that Batman is just going around shooting people with infinite ammo and never using his fists. For an NES game, the graphics are good, and the music, once again, is awesome. Seems like Sunsoft games always have good music. Blaster Master, Fester's Quest. Yeah, I said that. You can even make Batman dance to the music because when you press up, he turns his head. [Batman turns his head in time to the music]
Joker: Ooh, the Bat Dance! Ooh hoo hoo! [begins dancing and laughing]
Batnerd: I don't know what purpose that has. When you get to the boss, the music sounds incredibly familiar. [The boss music from "Return of the Joker" plays, followed by Crash Man's stage from "Mega Man 2"] Mega Man 2? Yeah, it does sound like that, just a lot faster.

Batnerd: You're slipping around on the ice, trying not to fall, and all these tornadoes keep flying at ya. Even after a lot of trial and error, it's still next to impossible trying not to get hit by these things. Come on, you fucking tornado piece of shit, I know you're there, just inching forward, I know you're there. FUCK!!

Batnerd: Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
[Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]
Batnerd: SHUT UP!
Joker: [stops laughing and frowns] FUCK YOU, MOTHERFUCKER! [laughs crazily again]

Batnerd: So, overall it's really not the worst Batman game, it's not really that bad of a game in general, it just has some things about it that suck...
Joker: Oh! Would you like to play a bad game, Batman?
Batnerd: Uh, no thanks...
Joker: How about the Game Boy version of Return of the Joker?! [laughs and hands the game and the Game Boy to Batnerd while the latter stares in shock] Have fun, motherfucker!

Joker: It's like Jungle Hunt, did you ever play Jungle Hunt? [he sings the Jungle Hunt music and laughs]

Batnerd: [playing "Batman: Return of the Joker" on Game Boy] The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.

Batnerd: I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker.

Batnerd: [playing Batman: Revenge of the Joker on Sega Genesis] What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!

Batnerd: OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?! What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! AGAIN! THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL, AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER! I've had enough of this catastrophe!

Batnerd: [after subduing the Joker] I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass! Batman: Revenge of the Joker! [Joker screams] Batman: Return of the Joker! [Joker screams] Batman Forever! [Joker screams] Batman: Return of the Joker on Game Boy! [Joker screams again] And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64! [Joker screams three times]

Deadly Towers[edit]

The Nerd: This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.

The Nerd: Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms & bats, I’d probably let them kill me.

The Nerd: Even the manual says, "You have no confidence in this sword." What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying "Buddy, if you play this game, YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!"

The Nerd: Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game. Imagine taking a phonograph machine, submerging it in diarrhea, and wiring it to a horse's ass to use it as a speaker! It makes nails on a chalkboard sound like fucking Mozart! And listen to this, see what happens when you go to a different room in the castle. [music starts over] The music starts all over again! It gets really annoying because you're constantly going from room to room, so you're hearing the same part of the music over and over again!

The Nerd: Whenever you die, you get a password. But it makes no sense, because no matter how far you got into the fucking game, YOU START FROM THE BEGINNING WITH ALL THE PASSWORDS! And what programmer decided to put a TIME LIMIT on the FUCKING PASSWORD SCREEN?!

The Nerd: This game is so fuckin’ hard, it’s easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing ‘Old McDonald!’ This game is equal to that of liquid ass-butter! Stay away from this horrible piece of shit-encrusted fuck! I’d rather suck farts out of a dog’s ass! [angrily] Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! ["THIS GAME IS SHITTY!! THIS GAME FUCKS YOU HARDER THAN REAL LIFE!]
The Nerd: This is so bad, Satan wouldn't even accept it if you offered it with your soul! I'd rather suck the dry shit out of Chewbacca's ass fur! Fuck this game! No better yet, don't fuck this game. Don't let your friends fuck it. It's UNFUCKWORTHY! This game is just an orgy of ass!!! This game is a chicken-lickin'-finger-fucking-son-of-a-bitch! This game is ball-cider! The Assholians bow down to this piece of shit! In other words, the game sucks.
[Speakonia version of Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays]

Battletoads[edit]

The Nerd: Battletoads on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', "What is this, a cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff, or somethin'?" But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- [he turns to his right and notices Kyle] Who the fuck are you?
Kyle: I'm your guitar guy. [the Nerd doesn't get it.] I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
The Nerd: Well then, go back behind the damn COUCH! Geez!
Kyle: You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
The Nerd: Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
Kyle: [stutters] Why can't I do the review with you?
The Nerd: Oh, uh-- because that's not how it WORKS! It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back behind the FUCKIN' COUCH!!
Kyle: [angrily; while fighting back his tears] I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
The Nerd: Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
Kyle: There are no other couches to go behind!

The Nerd: The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, & Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, & Gonorrhea?

The Nerd: That's really a problem. You shouldn't be able to hit each other: THAT'S FUCKIN' BULLSHIT! Come on, you piece of shit! [his toad gets killed by the enemy] AH!
Kyle: What happened?
The Nerd: I died.
Kyle: But I didn't die.
The Nerd: Oh, that's lousy. If one player dies, you got to start the level all over! [The Nerd and Kyle restart Level 2] Okay, so we can't hit each other. You take the right, and I take the left.
Kyle: Okay. [Kyle's toad turns into a wrecking ball and accidentally kills Nerd's toad]
The Nerd: What the Hell was that? I said stay to the right!
Kyle: I couldn't help it. This stupid wrecking ball thing just keeps swinging from side to side.
[Nerd's toad tries to kill the enemy with a wrecking ball, but it accidentally kills Kyle's toad]
The Nerd: Oops! I-I didn't mean that!
Kyle You see?
The Nerd: Why have an attack like that in a game where you can harm the other player?!

The Nerd: Game Over?! That's Game Over for you, not for me!
Kyle: Uh, I don't know.
[Level 3 restarts]
The Nerd: What? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we both have to restart the level!
Kyle: Sorry.
The Nerd: THAT'S BULLSHIT!!! THAT'S TERRIBLE PROGRAMMING!!! How is it fair that when one player dies, they both have-- and my lives aren't replenished! I still have just one extra life: That means I'm going to die next and then we're both going to have to start over again! Watch it! Watch it!
Kyle: I know, I know-- [Nerd's toad knocks off Kyle's] What the fuck?
The Nerd: I swear I didn't mean to do that: I was trying to hit the guy.

The Nerd: How many lives do you have?
Kyle: Like 2?
The Nerd: Well, I guess we're not gonna make it much further.
Kyle: Well, I could just die twice on purpose and then we can both start--
The Nerd: NO, NO-NO-NO! FUCK THAT! THERE'S NO REASON WHY THE GAME SHOULD BE PROGRAMMED THIS WAY, AND WE SHOULDN'T HAVE TO STAND FOR IT!
Kyle: AW, THE HELL WITH THIS SHIT!
The Nerd: THE HELL WITH THIS FUCKIN' SHIT!
Kyle: THE HELL WITH THIS BANANA-BUFFALO-WEARIN'... BASTARD BULLSHIT!!!
The Nerd: Yeah, now you're talkin'! All right! So anyway, Battletoads... is no--
Kyle: I'M GOIN' BEHIND THE COUCH!
The Nerd: Yeah, you do that! Go bunker yourself... from all these, like, shitty games! Yeah. So, Battletoads is not a two player game. Having a second player is as convenient as having a Siamese bulldog attached to your anus! It's just-- W-- Like, with one player, it's hard! But with two, it's virtually unplayable!
Kyle: [singing] ♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard. ♪
The Nerd: YOU BET YOUR ASS!!!
Kyle: ♪ He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd. ♪

[bloopers; while Battletoads pause music plays]
James D. Rolfe: Go behind someone else's couch!
Kyle Justin: There are no other couches to go behind!
[James D. Rolfe breaks character and cracks up]
James D. Rolfe: [to the viewers] Basically, Battletoads is not a 2--
Kyle Justin: I'M GOIN' BEHIND THE COUCH!
[Kyle Justin moves behind the futon]
James D. Rolfe: Well, good then! I mean, go bunker your-- [cracks up and laughs] Fuck!

Dick Tracy[edit]

The Nerd: Remember when everybody was talking about Dick Tracy? 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from "Who's Dick Tracy?" to "WHOA! Dick Tracy's the SHIT!" It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna. It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say "Dick".
The Nerd: You know, Dick Van Dyke is in the movie. You think that's enough Dicks? Like seriously, when this movie came out, I never said "Dick" so much before in my life. Every kid was running around the block saying "Dick Tracy! Dick Tracy! Dick this and Dick that!" My dad said, "Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?" and I was like, you know, "How is Dick short for Richard?" That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme and Jim and James both start with a J, but Richard and Dick? Like nobody ever says "Dickard". But anyway, I'm gonna tell you all about the NES game, and boy, is it an experience! Now I'm just going to give you my impression of it and I'm not really going to go all out and like dress up as Dickard or anything like that. I already did that for Halloween when I was 10.
[Footage is shown of a young James D. Rolfe dressed up as Dick Tracy]
10-Year-Old James D. Rolfe: I got a rock! [ironically laughs]
The Nerd: Yeah, I got a rock. Just like Charlie Brown. That sums the whole thing up. I was laughing back then, but I'm not fucking laughing now. I was so obsessed with Dickard that when the game came out, I was like, "Oh boy, I gotta play that! Dick Tracy on Nintendo?! That's gotta be a treat! There's no way I could let that pass!" But it was just a big disappointment, like a rock landing in my trick-or-treat bag.

The Nerd: During the gameplay, there's no status screen where you can bring up the clues or anything. Why wouldn't a detective bring the notepad with him? Dumb Dick! When I play a game, all I want is the NES, a TV, and the controller, also preferably a couch to sit on, ,ut what I don't want is a pen and paper to write down fucking clues! [gets killed by a sniper as he exclaims] The fuckin' snipers got me. [Game Over screen appears] Game over? Are you kidding me? Just one life? That's it? And no continues either?! No! Look at this! Where's my clue? I have to get it again?

The Nerd: So, my only way is to just slightly... [grunts angrily] Your mother. Fuck. Fuck! FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUCK!!! Could they have put this clue in a more unreachable spot?! [collects the clue] What? I got it? I've been jumping at it for five minutes and then finally I get it?

The Nerd: [after Dick Tracy's superior officer says "You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?", he is appalled by this, being James D. Rolfe's genuine anger] You gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me! That's ridiculous! Like, what?! Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! All without dying once! THAT'S WHORESHIT!! And I didn't say "horseshit", I said whoreshit. LIKE A WHORE TAKIN' A SHIT! [drinks Rolling Rock] You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store, and this was it; This was your whole weekend, this one game. You didn't have anything else to do. So you had no choice but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! And it's like, "You know what? It's like I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME! YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!" So, THAT'S why you don't give up.

The Nerd: It begs the question: "Are there any health power-ups?" And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not one! I actually found a heart. Yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did fuckin' nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did absolutely nothing!

The Nerd: I have another update. I've been informed countless times that the hearts are the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fucking thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold down Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes before the First Aid, and then hold down Select, so now the First Aid should be selected while you're still holding Select. Then, you press B, and there you go. [Dick Tracy's health bar fully fills up] How the fuck was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!

The Nerd: THIS IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED. I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 FUCKIN' YEARS, AND I STILL CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE! So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. ("Sucker for Dick"? That didn't sound good.) I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name "Dick Tracy", and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the balls.
The Nerd: And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance because I KINDA LIKED the idea of finding clues and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But ONE guy?! No continues?! Like, seriously, give me a reason, why there's no continues. WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKIN' CONTINUES?! [screams loudly] WHY?!?!
[The Nerd screams, drinks more Rolling Rock, does a Mortal Kombat scream into a pillow, and then goes berserk]
The Nerd: FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!! [he then drinks more Rolling Rock, takes out a drill, drills a hole through the game cartridge, causing it to spin uncontrollably, and the screen cuts to black as The Nerd smashes the game with a hammer]

Dracula[edit]

AVGN: (Playing The Count on the Commodore VIC-20, the Nerd types in "Eat pillow" when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds "Yuck!") Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. "Get up." (Game responds "I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.") Uhhh...okay. "Go north." (Game responds "OK. What shall I do now?") Okay, so I went north? What did that do? "Go east." (Game responds "OK. What shall I do now?") "Go east again." (Game responds "Use 1 or 2 words only!") Oh okay. I'll give you two words! "Fuck you!" (Game responds "Don't know how to "FUCK" something." The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)

AVGN: (Playing the unreleased Drac's Night Out on NES, which features Reebok Pumps as a power-up) Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!

AVGN: Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a shit and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like "What do you expect?"

AVGN: (Upon finding the name of television producer Fred Fuchs in the credits for Bram Stoker's Dracula on SNES) Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fuchs?! ...FRED FUCHS?! ...Fred Fuchs! Oh my God, "Fred Fuchs"! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fuchs! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fuchs.

AVGN: (Playing Bram Stoker's Dracula on Sega CD) I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
Keanu Reeves: (Screams)
AVGN: (Mimics scream) What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from Bill & Ted.
Keanu Reeves: (Screams)

AVGN: The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! (Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.) I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! (Opens blinds as he cries out.)

Frankenstein[edit]

AVGN: Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!

AVGN: This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] Mary Shelley's Frankenstein on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd: Good.
AVGN: [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.

AVGN: (after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing The Adventures of Dr. Franken for the Nerd up until then) The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) "doody" - to play it for myself and explain why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.

AVGN: (Playing Frankenstein: The Monster Returns on the NES] Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?

AVGN: So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really hate this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!

AVGN: Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! "Almost unlimited energy", "Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze", "Start with no continues", "Can not collect extra energy", and "One hit is fatal"! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? (Subtitle: "PHUCKEWE")

AVGN: At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! (the Nerd throws the Game Genie.) So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! (Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein) Yeah! (The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)

CD-i Part One[edit]

AVGN: Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for "Wand of Gamelon.") (awkwardly) Okay. These games are notorious for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad Zelda game, let alone three of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.

AVGN: But before we get to the Zelda games, let's start off with Hotel Mario. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.

AVGN: So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.

AVGN: The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to Super Mario World titled Super Mario's Wacky Worlds, but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.

CD-i Part Two[edit]

Zelda: Link, go to Gamelon and find my father.
Link: GREAT! I can't wait to bomb some Dodongos!
AVGN: God! Way more corny than the Link from the TV series! But these scenes are only the icing on the shit cake.

AVGN: (Playing Zelda: The Wand Of Gamelon) Let's talk about the ropes. You use them for climbing all those tough-to-reach platforms. But why you can only use a rope one time makes no sense! Why does Zelda have to carry around 20 fucking ropes? Why can't she use the same one?

AVGN: It's also strange to get people to talk, you stab them with your sword.
Hungry woman: I'd give anything for an Arpagos Egg!
George the Chef: My cakes will burn!
AVGN: Just to hear stupid shit like that.

AVGN: (discussing the boss battles) When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
Hectan: YOU'VE KILLED ME!!
Zelda: Good!
AVGN: (horrified face) "Good!" (laughs) "You killed me!" "Good!" (laughs insanely, then starts saying "FUCK!" in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock) Gotta calm down. (drinks it, then resumes playing) Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
Ganon: YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
AVGN: He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!

Link: What happened?
Zelda: (Chuckles) Nothing, Link. We were just about to have a feast.
Link: Great! (They both laugh)
AVGN: They all yuk it up, and everything's fine. Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a mixed bag. ...But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag! It's a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say your mom cleans out the cat litter. Fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag! And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks - pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to: That's a nasty bag! But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! FUCK THIS GAME! GET OUT OF MY FACE! And you know what the worst part about it is? ...I still have two left! (Text says "Stay Tuned for Part 3 - The Conclusion!")

CD-i Part Three[edit]

AVGN: (Playing Link: The Faces of Evil) And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? (Link falls off platform) Oh, your mother! (Link jumps up and misses) Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! (Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge) Ungh! (Link jumps up and misses once again) It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! (as literal F-Bombs drop out of his mouth) FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!! FUCK!!!

AVGN: The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.

AVGN: Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass!

AVGN: Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! (swings the sword at the gong above Zelda) Oh, I get it.
Link: I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
AVGN: Nothing short of poetry.

AVGN: In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, "What the Hell happened to this game?" I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! [drinks beer] That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up Zelda this bad!? It's not a Zelda game, I wouldn't call it that. "Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link..." Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, "I fucked your mom." It's like: "I can't argue with that!" Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a second game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a third game off-screen) Oh yeah, and the Mario game? That one sucks too! (hurls Hotel Mario off-screen) CD-i SUCKS!!! (as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)

Bible Games II[edit]

AVGN: Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.

AVGN: (playing Exodus on the NES] So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;" "Kill all babies"? I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. "Kill all babies"!

AVGN: All right, next up, let's try... Noah's Ark? Haven't we played this already? (croaky sound) Remember in Bible Adventures, which there were three games, and one of which was Noah's Ark, that stupid shit where you're picking up stacks of animals? Then, of course, there's this infamous Super Noah's Ark 3D the only unlicensed Super NES game which happens to be a clone of Wolfenstein where you're going around shooting goats. So now, we have yet another game based off Noah's ark. But there's something very different about this one. What's that? (Points at the Official Nintendo Seal of Quality from the cartridge) It was actually licensed by Nintendo! Who made this? (Title theme from Contra plays in the background as it was made by Konami. Lightning flashes) Okay. Now I'm really curious.

AVGN: (playing Menace Beach) But the most interesting thing about this game is that between each level, you see your girlfriend begging you to rescue her, and each time, her clothes gradually disappear. The first time playing this, I didn't even realize what was happening. She says "I've been here so long my clothes are starting to rot." Seriously, that's the only explanation. I think she would die of starvation before her clothes would rot! But the funny thing is that it's a strangely effective way to get you to play the game, because just for curiosity's sake, it makes you wonder, "How much of her clothes are going to come off?" It's like, "Hey, we got this horrible, shitty game, but there's a girl taking her clothes off, so you gotta keep playing!" How did this turn into a Bible game!?

AVGN: (playing Sunday Funday which is a clone of Menace Beach) Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: "Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?" "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fucking face off."

AVGN: The only other thing I've noticed that's been changed are some of the enemies. Ninjas are now kids, and these Elvis-looking guys are now plumbers. Maybe ninjas were too violent, and Elvis's devilish rock n' roll was too much for a religious game. But everything else fits perfectly fine.

AVGN: All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!

AVGN: (playing Pyramid Pursuit on Moses: The Exodus for CD-i) The voices are the fuckest bologna shit you'll ever hear.
Anubis statue: (in monotone) I'm an idol worshiped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
AVGN: What is it, a robot?

AVGN: Then there's this connect the dots bullshit. If you miss the dot, you get this irritating voice.
Child's voice: Whoops!
AVGN: If you get the dot, you get the irritating voice.
Child's voice: Yippie!
AVGN: And it never fucking stops!
Child's voice: Yippie! Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie! Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
AVGN: Is that really necessary!? Like, what, are they fucking crazy!?

AVGN: Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!

Michael Jackson's Moonwalker[edit]

The Nerd: ​Michael Jackson's Moonwalker. Right off the bat, you wanna laugh, I know you do. But think back to the 80's, when everybody was into Michael Jackson. Sure now, he's a subject of joke and ridicule. But you gotta remember, I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made Thriller. (opens the vinyl record of "Thriller") Thriller.
The Nerd: Back then, there weren't too many video games where you can play as a celebrity, so that's why it was a big deal. It was based of the arcade game of the same name, which was based of the movie of the same name. It was one of the first games that attracted us to the new Sega Mega Drive, known as the Genesis in North America. NES players like myself looked on with envy when this sexy beast hit the scene. It was black, it was round, and it said "16-Bit" on the front, like: "In your face, bitch!"
The Nerd: Moonwalker was one of the first Genesis games I ever played. At the time, I thought it was awesome. But other than the novelty of it being Michael Jackson, there wasn't really anything too special about it.
Michael Jackson: OOH!
(The Nerd opens the game case)
The Nerd: The only question is: are you bad? (points his finger at the cartridge) ARE YOU BAD?! Let's find out. (inserts cartridge into the Sega Genesis)
Michael Jackson: Who's bad?
The Nerd: As it begins, Michael flips a coin in the jukebox and Smooth Criminal starts up.
(The Nerd moves his feet along to the rhythm of the song)
The Nerd: So all you do is going around, kick fairy dust at people and rescue kids. Yeah, you can't advance to the next level until you get all the kids.
Annie: Michael!
The Nerd: Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
(During this part of the video, there are extreme closeups of Michael rescuing the kids, done from such an angle that it looks as they are much too close to him, parodying his infamous allegations for lewd acts upon children and shocking the Nerd a little)
Annie: Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael! Michael!
The Nerd: But who are these kidnappers, and why are there so many kids? Why they all look the same, and why do you have to open doors, look in windows and spin bushes open to find them? Couldn't there be a better way?
The Nerd: That's the main problem I have with this game, is how redundant it is. You can't skip any doors, because if you go through the whole stage and miss just one kid, you have to go back. And of course, you're not gonna remember which door you didn't open, so you gotta open them all again!
The Nerd: You have no choice but to stop and check every single door, every single window, and leave no stone unturned. Quite literally. Most of the later stages don't even follow a linear pattern. They don't go from left to right, or top to bottom, they're all over the place! So, you're always gonna be confused which spots you already checked.
The Nerd: There's one stage where you check in cars. But often, there's a bomb in the car that you can't avoid. You don't even need to get hit by the explosion, the bomb itself hurts you. Even if you check the same car twice, there's another bomb! You have no choice but to check every car, so the only way to avoid the bombs is if you play the game so many times that you can actually remember which cars have kids, and which ones have bombs.
The Nerd: I'm also not very fond of the kick, because if your enemies are shorter than you, it doesn't help. Like these spiders. Or even these dogs. They're such a bitch, literally. A lot of animal abuse in these games.
The Nerd: There's a variety of special moves which are kinda cool. Michael can spin, throw his hat, grab his...crotch? (He becomes shocked) Why? Why would they put that in a game? How could they put that in a game?!
The Nerd: It just seems by tapping buttons, you figure out all kinds of different moves that don't have any purpose. Like, if you push up, what does that do? And if you hold the attack button and D-Pad in the correct way, then you can actually Moonwalk. But again, it has no purpose and it usually results in taking a hit. The special moves drain your energy, and I mean a lot of it! You can make everybody dance, which takes out everyone on the screen, but what's the point of doing that if it drains half of your energy? Still, it's worth it just for the amusement factor, and even the dogs dance. (We see the Nerd dancing and doing the Moonwalk while scenes of Michael dancing with the enemies appear)
The Nerd: There's also an invincibility move, but let me tell you how this works. Every once in a while, a shooting star comes by. It's rare, but if you manage to act fast enough to touch it, this happens.
(The picture of Michael's face starts blinking and turns robotic, while the Nerd expresses awesomeness in his face)
The Nerd: Oh man, he just changed from Michael Jackson to Mecha Jackson, the king of robo-pop. It's enough that you're invincible for a brief moment, but you can fly, you can shoot lasers and you can scatter bombs all over. This... is one of the most awesome things I've ever seen. Only problem: You can't rescue kids. I guess they don't respond too well at all to giant laser-shooting robots.
The Nerd: The navigation is a pain in the ass. In the cavern, you have to figure out that you can break the walls. If you didn't know that, you're kinda screwed. Every stage seems to have its own rules, but it's never self-explanatory. It took me a while to figure out that I needed to go down these sewers. At first, I thought they were just part of the scenery, because when you push down, nothing happens. You have to know to do the spin.
The Nerd: Each stage, after you find all the kids, you have to fight a boss. But rather than the boss just simply appearing, Bubbles comes in and tells you where to go. So naturally, you just follow where he's pointing. But sometimes he points straight up or straight down. And you can't go that way, so you're never sure exactly where you're supposed to go. Finally, when you get to the spot, the boss appears, runs away, and then a bunch of bad guys come out, and you gotta fight. It's just like a little endurance round. But why can't this happen right after you find the last kid? Why does Bubbles have to lead you around? While this is happening, there's no enemies to fight. There's nothing. You're just walking to the boss. There's no purpose at all.
(Shows footage from "Castlevania 2: Simon's Quest")
The Nerd: It's like in Simon's Quest when you're walking through Dracula's castle and there's no enemies or obstacles, you just walk down steps and keep on going till you get there. It's a waste of gameplay. What's the point? Also, it's very specific where you have to stand. Like here, the boss didn't come out just because I was on this platform. I have to be on the ground. Also, this boss guy that keeps running away, even though you don't fight him, you can still take damage if you touch him.
The Nerd: Here, I'm just walking around, looking for the boss, looking for the boss... oh, there he is! I didn't expect that! Hey, I can't jump over! (Gets stuck on a rock) Wha- I'm stuck? What is this shit? This is bullshit! GOD! JEEZ!
The Nerd: And when you die during the boss part, you don't start right where you left off. You have to start with Bubbles again! What's the point of having to walk all the way to the boss again? Where's the Thriller music? Instead, it's Another Part of Me from the Bad album. Why would they go through the trouble of including a graveyard scene in a Michael Jackson game and not use Thriller? I guess if you do the dance move, you'll hear it.
(The Nerd is proved wrong)
The Nerd: No? That's the Thriller dance, but where's the music? Only if I do the dance in stage 3-3 I get a different song: Billie Jean. Apparently, some copies of the game have Thriller, and others don't. That makes no sense.
The Nerd: At this point is where the game starts to get really hard. Look at all these zombies! You think there's enough?! And that's really fair considering I can only attack one side at a time. The dance doesn't help, because even if you wipe out every zombie on the screen, there's still like ten times more on the way! So draining half your energy isn't worth it! Holy shit, there's so many zombies! So many zombies! Oh, my GOD! It's like, STOP! Oh, holy God, there's so many... OH, MY GOD!
(Parodying the infamous "Panther Sequence" from the classic "Black or White" music video by Michael Jackson, the Nerd starts breaking and destroying everything, cracking what appears to be the fourth wall. First, he slams a Super Scope on the couch and eventually throws it. Then, he throws a ColecoVision Driving Wheel at an XBOX 360 box. Then, he throws a beer bottle at a wall with graffiti reading "CDI RULZ". Then, he throws another box at a Commodore 64 and the box explodes. After that, a Nintendo Power poster falls off the wall. While everything is exploding, he rips his shirt, revealing a black shirt under it. And finally, he morphs into his cat, Boo. The camera then goes to Boo as he walks to the camera.)

Milon's Secret Castle[edit]

AVGN: The first thing that bugs me is the weapon. Why bubbles? Why not a sword, or magic lightning bolts, or fireballs, or a gun, or undefined pixelized pieces of shit? Fucking anything but bubbles! What, is this game for little girls?!

AVGN: The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting thing here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. "Hey, you want that money, don't you? You want that money. Yeah, you want that money - you want that money? Yeah well fuck you! You can't have it."

AVGN: How did they design a game where all you have are two doors that lead to rooms that lead back to the same door? It's a maze that has no end. So that's when you need the power. Nintendo Power! It's like "You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta buy our magazine you dumb little shits!" (reads) This is the Classified Information section. Usually this is all about cheats; "Golgo 13 - Stage Select", "Spy Hunter - Start with all weapons", "Wizards & Warriors - Bypass the Wizard", "Mario 2 - Shortcuts to Birdo", "Milon's Secret Castle - Getting Started"? ...That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fucking game! The basic rules of the game needed Nintendo Power! That is some fuck!

AVGN: In this issue, there's a section in "Counselor's Corner" where gamers' questions are answered. Why "Counselor's Corner"? Because you're going to need counseling after you're done with this shit. Alright, so let's see what it has to say. (reads for a moment, then realizes that in his game his character's getting attacked by lightning bolts outside the castle) What the hell?! I was just standing outside the castle minding my own business when lightning bolts start coming down. Isn't this supposed to be the safe spot? Imagine if any other game had that; If you're like on the overworld or map screen, and then all of a sudden, shit starts attacking!

AVGN: Milon's Secret Castle: MORE LIKE MILON'S SHITTY ASSHOLE!!! Looks like it could have been a good game, but instead, they were just fucking jerking off!

AVGN: The whole game is based on secrets. But there is a difference between secret and just fucking impossible! FUCK THIS GAME!!!

Season Four[edit]

Atari Jaguar Part One[edit]

AVGN: The debates amongst the fans and Sega's marketing campaign came down to one simple fact: The Genesis was 16-bit and the NES was only 8. This started a little trend I like to call the "Bit Wars." Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. "Well I want a Super Nintendo for Christmas!" "Don't you already have a Nintendo?" "Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!" "What's that?" "...I dunno."

AVGN: But in 1993, one console would come along to remind us that bits aren't everything. It was the Atari Jaguar, and it was announced as the first 64-bit game system. We were like "Daaamn! Sixty-four!? That's like four times the bits!" Even the official advertising slogan said "Do the math."

AVGN: Let's try Checkered Flag. This showcases the graphic capabilities a little more, just the fact it puts you into a three-dimensional environment. But compare it to F-Zero on Super Nintendo: 48 bits less, but a million times more appealing to the eye.

AVGN: Well, we do know that Atari was originally planning a 32-bit system called the Panther, but decided to skip it and leap ahead. The Jaguar still used a 32-bit graphic processing unit, but through a combination of other processors, somehow added up to 64. It's technical and confusing. But the point is, the Jaguar was a rare species, not built like most game consoles. That made it harder to program games on it and as a result, many games didn't utilize its full capabilities, whatever they could've been. So I've given you a little of history on Atari and how it tried to win the Bit Wars. Now that we've got that out of the way, check in for part 2, we're actually play some Jaguar games. Or, if you wanna be cool, you say "play some Jag!" (Super Cool Version) Check in for Part 2 and we'll play some Jag!

Atari Jaguar Part Two[edit]

AVGN: (playing Attack of the Mutant Penguins) This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... (imitates his brain exploding)

Skylar: (the green face from Cybermorph appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off) Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?
AVGN: (shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope) Where'd you learn to be an asshole?!

AVGN:There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy.

AVGN: Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end; I gotta take a shit. (brings out a Jaguar CD, opens its lid to make it look like a toilet, and uses it as a toilet)

Metal Gear[edit]

AVGN: And his full name is Solid Snake? Might as well just be Erect Cock!

AVGN: What!? You son of a bitch! The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Is this a glitch? Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be FUCKING ASSHOLES!!? Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, "Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it."

AVGN: This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I'd like 12. Yeah, I've got a Charlie Brown ghost ass.

AVGN: And it's not just me. Hideo Kojima himself said "It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole." Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.

AVGN: If the original Metal Gear was Kojima's baby, then the NES version is his deformed grandchild. Now, I know, it's still a classic, if you look past all its flaws. It's like digging for gold underneath a pile of horse shit. Or perhaps, it's a gleaming silver turd. It might not look like shit... but it sure smells like it.

Odyssey[edit]

AVGN: These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe Wrecking Crew on the NES, or After Burner on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?

AVGN: Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a desperate attempt at a video game.

AVGN: This one's called "Analogic". Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!

AVGN: (talking about the name-the-United-State game) I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there (below the 48 consecutive states). Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
Nerdy Turd: (raspberry)

AVGN: So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. (removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box) Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a gun. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! (expresses happiness) Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)

X-Men[edit]

AVGN: Anyway, with a concept like X-Men, you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: (holds up The Uncanny X-Men for NES) Somebody makes an X-Men game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be LJN? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.

AVGN: How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from Top Gun.

AVGN: For powerups, we have burgers. Yeah. What else could they be? They're fucking burgers. And we also have bottles which could be anything, but I'm gonna assume they're beer. That sounds about right. It's an X-Men barbecue; burgers and beer.

AVGN: The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the arcade by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
Magneto: X-Men, welcome to die!
AVGN: Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: "Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?"

AVGN: When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! (destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)

The Terminator[edit]

[Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES "Terminator" cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: "This sucks!", "No way!", "Oh no!", "What a piece of fucking dog shit!" and "Go to Hell!". He settles on "What a piece of fucking dog shit!"]
The Nerd: What a piece of fuckin' dog shit! Makin' a game based off the first Terminator movie had a lot of potential. The movie was like film noir, action, science-fiction, and time travel all thrown together into a blender. But the game was like takin' that same blender to put cat piss, horse dump and pig vomit. Yeah. Now that's a shake you don't want. So if you played this game, you're probably traumatized. But don't worry, because now is the time to purge those inner demons [takes off eye glasses] because the battle for the past [puts on sunglasses] is gonna be fought in the present, right here, right now. [looks around a bit and takes off sunglasses] Man, that's too dark. Let's just start the game.

The Nerd: [on the game's lack of continues] And we're not talkin' emulators or save states or any of that, we're talkin' real life sittin' in front of your TV, holding the A button. Sounds like fun, right? Yeah, well, check it out, I got an idea. Get yourself a wrench, or somethin' like this here, and you just clamp it down on the A button, just like that... [clamps the wrench onto the A button on the NES controller] and there you go. Just sit back and... you don't gotta do a damn thing. I'll be back. [Time passes and the Nerd comes back. He now has 6 lives.] Now look at that, I have 6 lives already. So I'm just gonna go to bed, I'm gonna come back, and it's gonna be all maxed out. Now isn't that a good idea? Well, guess what? I have an even better idea. How about, have some fuckin' continues?! Make me have to put a wrench on a controller, is that what you wanna do with your life? That's senseless. But that's what happens, man. [The next day...] Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more Terminator with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... [The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives] (shocked) 6? Only 6?!  OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, "Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much." Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.

The Nerd: Now look at these platforms, could they be any smaller? Realizing before how hard it is to make your mark, imagine how insane it is to land dead center on a space that's more narrow than the character itself. If you land on your feet, it doesn't count. You have to land on the empty space in between your feet. (Kyle falls down a pit) Aw, fuck! OK, 0 lives, that means I have one more chance.
The Nerd: Jump... Jump... JUMP...! (Of course, he fails and gets a game over as he exclaims in frustration) AWWWWWWWWWW!!! FUCK!
The Nerd: (throws the controller in anger as he grunts twice) GRR! GDAH! THEY'RE TOO! FUCKIN' SMALL! TOO FUCKIN' SMALL! (The Nerd yells into a pillow and grabs the game and an NES Zapper) You're terminated. (The Nerd shoots the game)

The Nerd: [playing the SNES game] Surprisingly, this game is really hard. Now I can imagine what Kyle Reese and good old Johnny C. had to go through. Just runnin' out into a wasteland full of maniacal machines shootin' bombs and lasers at you left and right. There's shit shootin' from the sky, shit on the ground, there's shit everywhere! You'd get annihilated! Those movies are very unrealistic; there's no way they could have survived. But the time travel concept, that's okay.

The Nerd: After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.

The Nerd: From here on out, things can only get better. The second movie was even better than the first, so, we can assume that's the same for the games. I believe there's a light at the end of this tunnel. We've made it through the storm, and at the end of the storm is a rainbow. A ra--? Oh no. [The Nerd looks at the "Terminator 2: Judgement Day" NES cartridge to see the LJN logo, with a horrified expression on his face, accompanied by the ending of the "Terminator 2: Judgement Day" theme]

Terminator 2: Judgement Day[edit]

AVGN: Now for Terminator 2 on NES. (referring to the LJN logo) It's all about that little rainbow of death. I swear I don't even plan this, it just so happens that LJN holds a monopoly on shitty games. They were also behind every home console version of Terminator 2, even the arcade ports. "LJN proudly presents..." Oh, I bet.

The Nerd: You go around collecting bombs which look like, I don't know, a headless chicken holding a dead rat? What, you don't see it? Oh, I don't know. You take all the bombs and deposit them into this thing-a-ma-fucker, and you think that's it, right? No, you take the bombs back out and lay them in designated spots.

The Nerd: OK, well, what was the point? Why couldn't you just collect the bombs, and put them where they go? I can only imagine what they were thinking. "Duh! You put these bombs in this thing." Alright, what next? "Uh, how about you take 'em back out, and you put 'em somewhere else?" It's treatin' us like a fuckin' dog! "Go get the ball, bring it back, go get it again!" (Chuckles) Fuckin' dick-wads!


AVGN: (About Terminator 2 on SNES) All I can say is, my God, the control is so bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. (The Terminator hops forward awkwardly) Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! (chuckling) Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.

Transformers[edit]

The Nerd: Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.

The Nerd: [reviewing Transformers on the Commodore 64] By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.

The Nerd: Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese NES. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan.

The Nerd: [reviewing "Transformers: Convoy no Nazo"] Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.

[the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against Megatron in stage nine.]
The Nerd: It's the end of the road, Megatron! UUNNNHH! HUUAAH! HUNNNGGHH!! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! [defeats Megatron] BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
[as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]
The Nerd: Stage ten? I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next!? Fuckin' "stage ten", my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be Galvatron or maybe Unicron or Fuckitron, who knows.
[the final boss of the game is Trypticon, who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble Mecha-Godzilla.]
The Nerd: Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.

The Nerd: So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? 'CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT! Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. [points the Zapper at the Famicom] One shall stand, one shall-- [the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.] Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
Optimus Prime: My name is Optimus Prime.
The Nerd: Well, you don't look anything like-- [Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser] Ugh!
Optimus Prime: I thought you were made of sterner stuff.

Mario Is Missing[edit]

AVGN: What's this say? "Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong"? Are you telling me you're supposed to return King Kong to the Empire State Building? This blows my mind on so many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong off the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?! Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big is he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG! And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a Mario game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?

AVGN: There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! "Use Yoshi to reach the help desk". Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?

AVGN: You know what? Educate me. Please educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!

AVGN: Educational or not, these games are horrible abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.

Plumbers Don't Wear Ties[edit]

AVGN: I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: "If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust." It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those "baby toys" and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real piece of shit.

AVGN: There were many different models. This, right here, is the FZ-1 made by Panasonic. It only has one controller input. Wow. Now that's what you call an advanced system, isn't it? Instead of two controller inputs, let's just have one! Let's make it so you have to plug the second controller into the first controller and just daisy-chain them together. What were they fuckin' thinking?!

AVGN: There's a code to remove the censor bars - or censor-face-with-a-nose - but that's only if you really wanna see John's hairy ass that much.

AVGN: Well, the game is called "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties", so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. (The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.) What the fuck? You can't even trust the damn title!

Thresher: You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
AVGN: Oh, shit!
Thresher: You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
AVGN: Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, "Suck my cock."
Thresher: TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
AVGN: What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? (wrong answer sound effect plays)
Narrator: Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
AVGN: Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, "Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!" But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. (Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs) Damn! She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! (imitating Thresher) Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! (Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.) WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!?

AVGN: Now for the final choice. Either, "I want the Hollywood ending!" or "Gimme something different." Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! (tosses the game away) This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, "Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!" Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it certainly does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! (video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.) It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck.

The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle[edit]

The Nerd: Oh, fuckin' Coyote cunt, got my ass against the wall!

The Nerd: All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.

The Nerd: [after playing Crazy Castle 2] Alright, I'm done with this. I'd rather lick the shit skid off the inside of a toilet bowl!
[The Nerd drinks Yuengling, takes the game out of the Game Boy Advance SP, goes to a trash bin, while looking at Bugs as he finishes his Yuengling, and throws the game away, smashing his empty Yuengling bottle across Bugs' face. Bugs recovers, however, and shoots a Mario Ball through a slingshot, stunning the Nerd. Bugs dropkicks him in slow motion, knocking him to the ground. As the Nerd lays stunned, Bugs picks him up and slams him down on the futon, causing it to collapse.]
Kyle Justin: [crawling out from under the broken futon] You Nintendo dork, you broke my fuckin' couch!
The Nerd: It was the fuckin' bunny. Did you go to fuckin' Bugs Bunny Boot Camp?
[Bugs grabs the Nerd by the throat and pins him to the wall.]
The Nerd: Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
Bugs Bunny: We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the FUCKIN' FACE!!
The Nerd: That was two years ago!
Bugs Bunny: Well, now it's your turn, doc! [Bugs throws the Nerd to the ground and kicks him repeatedly before turning around and squatting down.] Nyeah! [Bugs shits pellet turds onto the Nerd's face. The Guitar Guy sees this, and closes his eyes in disgust.] Geronimo! Nyyaaaaaa! Motherfuckin' Nerd! [The Nerd recovers from the bunny shit being on his face] Nyeah, ain't I a stinker?
The Nerd: Go away. Just leave me alone.

Kyle Justin: Come on, get 'im, he's the one that broke the couch!
The Nerd: Well, technically it was a futon.
Kyle Justin: I don't care what it is. GET 'IM! Boil those bunny balls!
[the Nerd gets up again to fight Bugs again but Bugs gives him a "present." The Nerd opens the present and reaches in, only to find a stick of dynamite. A jackass covers the Nerd's face before the dynamite goes off, covering him in soot and ash.]
The Nerd: DOGGONE, YOU MEAN OLD SCREWY WASCALLY WABBIT-- What's this?
[Bugs hands the Nerd another Game Boy Color game, which turns out to be "Bugs Bunny in Crazy Castle 4." The Nerd holds up a sign that reads, "Yikes!" similar to Bugs on the cartridge art.]
The Nerd: Crazy Castle 4?! How many of these fucking games could there possibly be?!
Bugs Bunny: You better play it, Doc, before I ram my rabbit fist right up your motherfuckin' ass!

The Nerd: [playing "Bugs Bunny in Crazy Castle 4"] It's so hard to even imagine that this game exists, and I'm trying to review it. It's like trying to review a pink porcupine with a monkey's head up its butt eating a buffalo's ballsack. Should I describe what it looks like and analyze it, or should I just be so fucking shocked the thing even exists?
[the Nerd closes the Game Boy Advance SP in annoyance]
Bugs Bunny: Nyaaa, you ain't done yet, Doc. You still gotta get the carrot. [chomps on his carrot]
The Nerd: Oh, you like fuckin' carrots, don't ya? Huh? Well, why don't you play it, then? You're a bunny, you play! You play this filth! [the Nerd tackles Bugs Bunny and tries to shove the carrot in his mouth] You like fuckin' carrots, don't you? Eat the fuckin' carrot! Come on! [he punches Bugs in the face] Come on, eat this fuckin' carrot, you fuckin' piece of shit! Eat that fuckin' carrot! Rabbits and your fuckin' carrots! Why don't you shove that fuckin' carrot up your fuckin' ass?!

Bugs Bunny: That feels good, Doc! Yeah, just like good old times, Doc! Like when I shoved Elmer Fudd's head up the Tasmanian Devil's fucking asshole! Nyeah, how does it feel to be a dying man, Nerd? You're a dead man! You're a dead man!
The Nerd: Bull... SHIT!!! [attacks back] [He thrashes, punches, pounds and kicks the shit out of him and then gets him in a headlock, ripping his head clean off. As the Nerd flings Bugs' head against the wall, Bugs' headless corpse gets up, with Bugs' head now replaced by Woody Woodpecker's, much to the Nerd's shock.]
Woody Woodpecker: Guess who? [laughs]
The Nerd: I knew it. [tries to fight Woody, but Woody counterattacks and pins the Nerd to the ground]
Woody Woodpecker: [laughs] You're gonna die, nerd! [he takes out a bomb] [continues laughing]
[Woody places the bomb near the Nerd, who grabs him around the neck and pulls him down to the floor next to him.]
The Nerd: Oh, I don't give a fuck, I'm taking you with me! Oh, you like to play with bombs, huh? Well, bombs away, you Woody Bunny fucking pecker piece of shit!
[The bomb explodes, killing them both. The next shot shows both of them in Hell. Woody Woodpecker holds a knife mimicking stabbing someone.]
Woody Woodpecker: [laughing and exclaiming] How do you like that? [exclaims] How do you like that, Nerd? [continues laughing]

Super Pitfall![edit]

AVGN: Let's play charades. Who am I? (imitates Pitfall Harry's walk and bizarre death animation) If you guessed Pitfall Harry, then you're right. Good ol' Harry got his start in Pitfall, the classic Atari game. But he didn't start acting like an asshole until the NES came along. Super Pitfall. One of the most deceptive uses of the word "super" in video game history. You wanna know why? You wanna know why this game super sucks? You wanna see how hard they cranked up the diarrhea dial? Just watch. (At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies) Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. "Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game." You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fucking assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.

AVGN: Playing this game is like driving an old, beat-up car. You're always afraid it's gonna break down.

AVGN: So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess! Does he need to play Poker with her or something?

AVGN: There's no limit to how secretive this game is. There's actually a part where you have to warp by jumping... into a bird. (Pitfall Harry jumps into an enemy bird flying toward him and is warped elsewhere.) You saw that, right? I'm not making that up. There's a warp zone hidden in a bird! How would you ever figure something like that out!? Unless it's by complete accident! If you try touching the rest of the birds in this game, they kill you. So if you've learned anything from that, it's to avoid them! How stumped and bored would you need to be to start thinking "Hmm, I guess I'm gonna try jumping into birds." How the fuck is a kid in 1987 without internet supposed to figure out how to beat this game?

AVGN: (commenting on the ending screen and referencing that of Ghostbusters) Don't you love games that just end with a black screen with plain text? At least they spelled "Congratulations" right. The third line's a little off-center, but other than that, I don't see any errors. I guess that's why they kept it so short: They knew they'd fuck it up. But the last sentence mystifies me. Please try another world? ...What other world? As far as I know, there’s a second quest, but it’s the same exact game. The only difference is that the items are all in different spots. And after that, the game just keeps on repeating over and over again like a never-ending Easter egg hunt. But that’d be like if the Easter eggs were full of diarrhea, and the Easter bunny was shitting all over your face. But I've had enough of bunnies and shit lately, so I'm gonna end this right here. What kind of masochist would you have to be to beat this game more than once? If you did it one time, what would you have to prove to do it again!? You'd have to be some kind of fucking idiot! (resumes playing to begin the second quest)

Godzilla[edit]

AVGN: (failing to defeat Mechagodzilla] THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: "Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!" The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.

AVGN: (reviewing Godzilla on Game Boy) How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare: "Fuck it."

AVGN: 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee, Godzilla: Save the Earth, and Godzilla: Unleashed. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.

AVGN: (Comparing modern-day Godzilla games to the above titles) These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical weiner! These games are shit, drizzling out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face! Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Goddammit! I just said "fuck" from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... SCUNT!!! Oh, yeah. It's that bad.

Wayne's World[edit]

The Nerd: What can you say about Wayne's World? It's one of the movies that defined the early '90s. It makes fun of all the clichés that were going on at the time, and it only gets funnier every time you watch it. Now, of course, there had to be video games. This is Wayne's World on the NES. It's hard to imagine what kind of material there is to work with. The movie's about two guys who run a show from their basement, and then a sponsor comes, tries to steal the show, and the rest is just a bunch of jokes. So, how do you take that, and make it into a game? Let's find out. [places the game cartridge in the top loader and the game starts] Okay, there it is. That's how you make a Wayne's World game. Just have Garth running around with a laser gun shooting stuff. That's real creative.
Wayne: NOT!
The Nerd: Look at this madness. Walking drums, floating hi-hats. Get it? Because Garth plays drums, he goes into Drum World. What kind of idea is that? The graphics make me want to hurl. It's as bland as a kindergarten coloring book. Orange walls, purple floors; Garth is almost completely white, like they didn't have time to color him in. This looks terrible!
Wayne: It certainly does suck!
The Nerd: The music, I shit you not, is just a two-second loop being repeated over and over. [2-second music loop from the game plays]
Wayne: It's giving me a headache.
The Nerd: The layout is a joke. Even in the most linear side-scrollers, you still have to figure out which is the best way to maneuver, like "Should I go up on this platform?" or "Should I go underneath?" But here, you can just stay on the ground and keep walking right. There's zero strategy involved.
Benjamin Kane: You know, I know nothing about video games, but I found what you just said riveting.
The Nerd: The next level, you're Wayne. But this is where the game gets incredibly difficult, because Wayne can't do anything other than this awkward kick. Of course, Wayne is well known for his martial arts.
[Wayne does a martial arts yell]
The Nerd: You can't kill anything unless it's right next to you. Most of the time, you get killed first, and then you go back to the Garth stage.
Wayne: No way!
The Nerd: That's it. You die once, you start over.
Garth: We'll try harder, okay? Just give us a second chance.
The Nerd: There's a bonus stage at a donut shop, but it looks more like an eyeball factory. You're just going around collecting donuts. But I can never figure out how to get the donuts in the middle. And whenever you jump down, you hurt yourself. Everything just sucks. I like how in one of the cutscenes...well, I use the term "cutscene" very loosely, but anyway, they're talking about going to the bands playing at the gas works, and they mention the Lousy Beatles. In the movie, it was the Shitty Beatles. It's a shame they can't use the word "shitty" in a Nintendo game, because "shitty" is the best word to describe this whole thing! The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says Wayne's World, kids will want it.
Noah Vanderhoff: Kids know dick.
The Nerd: There's clearly no thought process going on behind this miserable mess. Just make a game based on a popular movie and shit it into the stores.
Garth: It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad.
The Nerd: Talk about some 8-bit frustration right here. I hate this kick! You have to time it perfectly. Ungh! God! What are these things anyway? Just floating TV screens? Not floating TVs, but floating TV screens. Ungh, jeez! Wayne is just completely worthless!
Wayne: I'm just gonna stay here and lick the cat's butt!
The Nerd: Oh, look what's gonna happen. I'm just gonna jump over there and the spider's gonna kill me.
Wayne: WHOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!
The Nerd: The hell with this game! I can't say I expected it to be good... but this is just a maximum catastrophe of ASS! Take it away, Garth. [throws the game onto a table, and Garth smashes up the game with a hammer.]
The Nerd: You're not gonna believe this, but there's another one, on the Super Nintendo.
Wayne: I was not aware of that.
The Nerd: The only difference is that we're going from 8-bit vomit to 16-bit vomit. One is just as bad as the other, but without the original gag reflex one gets from eating dog shit that's been blended with goat piss.
Wayne: Ah yes, it's a lot like Star Trek: The Next Generation. In many ways, it's superior. But will never be as recognized as the original.
The Nerd:It starts with Wayne and Garth doing a Top 10 list of worst video games. The irony is stunning. In this game, Wayne's trying to rescue Garth, which is already a disappointment not to be able to play as both of them. That's like Bill & Ted with just Bill, or Beavis and Butt-Head with just Beavis. Wayne looks like a bobblehead. Your weapon is a guitar that shoots sonic booms, and the environment is once again constructed from different pieces of musical equipment. Instruments of all kinds, even bagpipes, and amps that shoot lightning. You'd think by now they could have come up with a more original idea.
Wayne: Yeah! And monkeys might fly out of my butt!
The Nerd: The voices are redundant. Every time Wayne gets an item, he says "Excellent."
Wayne: Excellent.
The Nerd: And every time he gets hit, he says "NOT!"
Wayne: NOT!
The Nerd: That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying "not" to? Usually, the word "not" follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to Borat.
Borat: And this suit is not black!
Borat's Therapist: No, no, "not" has to be the end.
Borat: OK, OK, this suit is black, not.
The Nerd: But whether or not the voices are used in the right context, it gets incredibly aggravating to have to hear the same thing over and over again.
Wayne: Excellent. NOT!
The Nerd: Maybe it would have been cute to hear it one time, but who thought it was a good idea to program it like this? Are they mental?!
Wayne: Get the net!
The Nerd: The controls are awful. You can't shoot while ducking...
Wayne: NOT! NOT!
The Nerd: ...you can accidentally jump up to a higher platform, and when you try to land on things, you have to be at the right angle, or else you fall through.
Wayne: NOT!
The Nerd: After a little bit of time, you start to get used to it as if your brain begins to flick the shit switch and adapt to its bad controls.
Garth: It's... it's like a new pair of underwear. You know? At first it's constrictive, but after a while it becomes a part of you.
The Nerd: But even after I've overcome the crappy learning curve, still, I can't pass the first level.
Wayne: Not worthy! Not worthy!
The Nerd: Talk about non-linear. This level is a maze. I can't even figure out where I'm supposed to go, let alone survive.
Wayne and Garth: We're not worthy!
The Nerd: Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there is a code.
Benjamin: I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
Russell Finley: No, I did not realize that.
The Nerd: So we might as well put in the code and take a peek at the rest of the game.
Wayne: Game on!
Garth: Yeah, game on!
The Nerd: The second stage is at the diner. Apparently either Wayne got shrunk down in size or everything is giant. This doesn't have anything to do with Wayne's World. Did they think they were making a game of Honey, I Shrunk the Kids? And everything's alive; Coffee cups, donut men. What's going on here?
Garth: Hey, Mr. Donut Head Man, who's trying to kill you? I don't know, but they better not. OHHHHHHH! That's not good, I'm not happy, oh, no!
The Nerd: And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
Wayne: Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!
The Nerd: The music in this stage is real familiar. Is this supposed to be Foxy Lady? [background music that sounds similar to the song "Foxy Lady" plays] It sounds kinda like it. Maybe they couldn't get the rights.
Wayne: Denied.
The Nerd: It also has the all-time worst butchering of Bohemian Rhapsody. [16-bit style "Bohemian Rhapsody" plays in the cutscene, much to the Nerd's embarrassment and annoyance.] Stage three is at the gas works. Remember Wayne's annoying ex-girlfriend? Well, she makes an appearance in this game. Several.
Stacy: Hi, Wayne!
Wayne: NOT!
The Nerd: What, did she find a way to clone herself? What kind of bar is this? What kind of bar would put their arcade machines up on ledges where no normal person could reach? What bar would have fire shooting out of the floor? The main enemies you face are laser-shooting disco balls. That's original. My favorite are the darts. It's like people are throwing darts and you're getting in the way.
Wayne: NOT!
The Nerd: You wouldn't believe the boss. Seriously, take a guess who the boss is. A giant disco ball? No. A giant pinball machine? No. Some generic bar guy? No. The answer... is Elvis.
Elvis Presley: Mmm! Jelly donut.
The Nerd: Elvis is in a Wayne's World game!
Elvis: Thank you very much.
Garth: Isn't that weird?
Wayne and Terry: Yes, that's weird.
The Nerd: Could it be any more out of place? Doesn't Wayne's World exist in the '90s? What is Elvis doing there? Does he have to talk so damn much?!
Elvis: Thank you very much.
The Nerd: The last level is a neighborhood that's been sucked into purgatory. I guess. I'm just making that up. It's a bunch of homes floating in the clouds. How else would you describe it? The layout still finds ways to throw you off. [Wayne can't pass by a pole] What's blocking me? A pole that's in the foreground? Shouldn't I be able to walk behind it?
Wayne: I'm being shit on! That's all! Shit on!
The Nerd: There's a deranged hockey player who doesn't even look like a human being. But what is a human being according to this game? Someone with a bobblehead? Or someone who looks like some kind of cartoon monster? The last boss of the game... are you ready for this? A gelatinous cube that swallowed Garth. Now, this is funny, because as random as it is, this cube was actually mentioned in the movie as an arcade game at Noah's Arcade, but I never thought in a million years I would see the gelatinous cube in a real-life game. The ending is just another cutscene with Wayne and Garth. It's the same sort of thing you see in between the levels, so it's nothing special.
]The Nerd takes the "Wayne's World" SNES cartridge out)
The Nerd: This game is only slightly better than the NES version. But both of them make you wonder, "What were they thinking?" You know what I'd like to do?
Glen: Yeah, I know what you'd like to do. You'd like to find the guy that did it...rip his still-beating heart out of his chest and hold it in front of his face...so he can see how black it is before he dies.
The Nerd: Actually... I think I'm gonna hurl. [The Nerd "hurls" on the "Wayne's World" SNES cartridge, accompanied by the "Wayne's World" theme song.]

Castlevania Part One[edit]

The Nerd: Time for Halloween again. Now this time, I'm giving myself a break, and I'm going back to one of my favorite video game franchises: Castlevania. It never stops. The same way Dracula keeps getting resurrected. I keep finding these games just creeping into my subconscious. The same way the Belmont family has to keep putting evil back in its place. I'm cursed to keep doing game reviews, and constantly mentioning Castlevania. [scene shows footage from his old reviews mentioning "Castlevania"] I talk about it all the fucking time. So, what the Hell, let me just get it all out. This is gonna be a big ass Castlevania marathon, with my own perspective. This is Castlevania, how I remember it. It's the Nintendo age. I'm sitting on my ass playing Super Mario Bros., when my cousin comes over and says: "You want to play Castlevania?" Instantly, it triggered images of Dracula in my mind and of all the frightening horrors that lurk in the dark. We pop that evil son of a bitch in the Nintendo and BAM!
[scene shows the beginning of the game, "Castlevania." Next scene shows the Nerd hiding beneath his blanket, that he's holding, in horror)
The Nerd: [whispers in horror] ​Oh, shit.
[scene shows montages of the game and the Nerd is excited about the game]
The Nerd: What can you say? It's side-scrolling 2D action at its finest. Now keep in mind. NES was in its early years, so I was still getting used to games that consisted of more than one screen. When I got to the giant bat, I thought it was Dracula, but no, just the first level boss. I still had a whole game ahead of me. Not only is it a culmination of our classic gaming sensibilities, but of all the horror clichés. We have mummies, hunchbacks, and the Frankenstein monsters straight out of the Universal movies. It also reminds me of the Hammer Horror Films with all of its Gothic scenery, and it draws from Greek mythology too, like the Medusa. Even the Grim Reaper makes an appearance. Death himself takes orders from Dracula. [smiles] This game is simply a masterpiece. I love it.
[scene shows Simon Belmont whipping the air, or trying to hit a projectile from the Dragon Skull Cannon, and getting hit by the Dragon Skull Cannon's projectile. Simon falls off to his death after getting hit. The Nerd's smile fades away. He grabs his bottle of Rolling Rock and drinks it.]
The Nerd: Well, I never said it would be easy.
[scene shows a montage of Simon Belmont getting killed by enemies]
The Nerd: I am prepared to talk about the more frustrating aspects of the game. But first, I want to discuss the more quirky moments. Just those funny fantasy video game elements that are usually taken for granted.
The Nerd: One thing I never understood, after you defeat a boss, an orb comes down and you have to touch it. What's the point? Couldn't the next level just start right away? Why do I have to touch an orb? And besides, what the fuck is an orb, anyway? Just a glowing ball?
The Nerd: Another thing I wanna know is, who is the architect for this castle? All these blocks and staircases have no rhyme or reason.
The Nerd: How about all these candles? They're everywhere. But to Simon Belmont, that's common. You see a candle, you whip it, and hearts come out. If I were to whip a fucking candle, would hearts comes out? I'd like to know. [The Nerd whips two candles, and notices a burning Nintendo Power magazine set alight by one of the candles] Oh, shit! [The Nerd stomps on the magazine to try to put the fire out]
The Nerd: In most games, hearts replenish your health. But in Castlevania, they're basically ammunition for whatever weapon you're holding. In the second game, the hearts are currency. So, in a nutshell, the hearts in Castlevania games are anything but health.
The Nerd: The only thing that replenishes you health are food that Simon conveniently finds in the walls. I always thought is was a roasted turkey, or a carved ham straight out of a Tom & Jerry cartoon. However, the instruction manual suggests that it's a pork chop. Okay, well that's a pretty big pork chop. Who cooked it anyway and hid it in the fuckin' wall? And if you were Simon Belmont, would you eat an old pork chop you found in a wall? It must be fucking dirty! I do have to say, that would be convenient, if all I had to do is just whip the wall when I was hungry...this wall would break and if there was a fucking pork chop in it, I would so eat it!
The Nerd: Now, let's talk about the difficulty. I don't think anyone would deny this is one of the hardest games ever made, and it's all because of one simple problem. When Simon gets hit, he jumps back. You could have full health, but just because there's a pit behind you, you're dead. It's a severe handicap that fucks up the entire game, and the rest of the series.
The Nerd: Then there's certain enemies that just piss the shit out of me. There's hunchbacks which jump all over the place. I used to think they were monkeys. And then, of course, there's those enemies that just fly across the screen. Like the Medusa heads. And the bats.
The Nerd: The hardest part in the entire game, besides Dracula, is the hall right before the Grim Reaper. You have Medusa heads coming at you from both directions, and two knights throwing axes at two different altitudes. I mean, look at the pattern going on here. Anything that hits you drains a quarter of your health, so that means four hits and you're dead. Oh, but the knights, the knights take nine hits. NINE FUCKING HITS! You can't even concentrate on attacking them because you're too busy dodging Medusas. But you can't dodge the Medusas because you're too busy dodging the axes. But you can't dodge the axes because you're trying to hit the knight. BUT YOU CAN'T HIT THE KNIGHT, BECAUSE THE GAME'S DRIVING YOU FUCKING CRAZY! It's like a test. It's a test...to the shit.
The Nerd: When you get to Dracula, don't even bother fighting him until you stock up on hearts. Go back down the steps, come back up, and all the candles are back. Rinse and repeat. This is extremely tedious, and nobody feels like doing it, but if you want to stand any chance against Dracula, you're gonna have to.
The Nerd: Dracula may not seem so bad at first, especially after you send his fucking head to the moon. But then... [exclaims as Dracula transforms into an ogre-like monster] Oh, my God. What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? [looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word] Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be. So you fight the evil Cookie Monster, your health is never replenished, so this whole thing is like an endurance round. If you took one single hit on Dracula, I say your chances against the Cookie Monster are up a rat's ass.
[scene shows Simon battling the second form of Dracula, with Simon almost losing, but just barely winning with four units of life left]
The Nerd: Yeah, it took me 20 years, but I finally got this game beat. [puts controller down beside him and grunts victoriously] YOUR MOTHER!!!
The Nerd: And you still gotta get the orb? Oh, you're gonna replenish my health right after I beat the game? Thank you so much.
The Nerd: Dracula's castle crumbles and then come the credits. [watching the credits and notices a funny name]
The Nerd: Hmm. "Trans Fishers"? That reminds me of Terence Fisher, the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. "Vran Stoker"? Like Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula? Wha-- "Christopher Bee"? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying Christopher Lee is like a bee? [Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by] No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. "Belo Lugosi"? "Boris Karloffice"? They're just fuckin' around. "Love Chaney Jr."? "Mix Schrecks"? "Green Stranger"? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name Steven Spielberg and called him "Steven Gielberg". Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's Castlevania for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
[the "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE." box from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the "Monster Dance Theme" plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]
The Nerd: Not that one. Next on our list, is Castlevania III, which in many ways is the true follow-up--
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
The Nerd: No. I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
["Monster Dance Theme" music plays and cartridge is shown again]
The Nerd: No.
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
The Nerd: Stop.
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
The Nerd: Stop!
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
The Nerd: [annoyed] STOP!
["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at Castlevania III, and then back at Castlevania II, and "To Be Continued..." appears.]

Castlevania Part Two[edit]

The Nerd: This game is the unholy fuckness. You probably remember it as my first game review. That was 5 years ago before I took on the regular duty of playing shitty doodie. Back then, I wasn't as hardcore. I used a code, and I skipped over a lot of the game. So now is my second chance, 'cause I'm gonna do it for real this time. I only scraped the surface off this smelly turd, and after that... it really starts to stink.
The Nerd: Just to clarify, though this game is terribly flawed, it still has a lot of nostalgic value for me. The graphics and the music are fantastic, and it still has that Castlevania atmosphere.
(montage of "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" with music) (the day-to-night transition text box)
The Nerd: (Groans) Then there's parts like that. Why is it necessary to interrupt the game like that so often?
The Nerd: You need hearts to buy stuff, and when you die, you lose all your hearts, and you have to start from scratch. So if you're trying to buy something, your best bet is to stay in one spot that you feel safe, and just keep killing the same enemies over and over. I mean, what fun is that?
The Nerd: When it's nighttime, you're just totally screwed, because the stores are all closed. So the only thing you have to do is just wait for daytime, and chase zombies around. (Exclaims) Get over here, you fucking zombie piece of shit. It's times like this when you get real bored, you find glitches, like at the door. Why does the holy water just stop? For some reason, I always found that amusing. I could do that for hours. (And believe it or not, he did.)
The Nerd: This is the first Castlevania game to adopt a non-linear style, where you have to roam around and explore. It's a neat idea, just not executed too well. The whole plot is that after Simon destroyed Dracula in the first game, all his body parts were scattered into different mansions.
The Nerd: Now, Simon has to rid the curse of Dracula once and for all, and to do this, he has to go into each mansion, and throw a fucking oak stake at an orb. ("You now prossess Dracula's Rib" text box appears) "You now possess Dracula's rib." Oh, wait. Prossess? Prossess? Are you kidding me? Well, anyway, it boggled my brain at no end. How is anybody supposed to know to throw an oak stake at an orb?
The Nerd: So I found this one clue. It reads: "A symbol of evil will appear (appaer) when you strike the stake." Gee, that really helps. Couldn't it at least mention, like where you're supposed--(The Nerd noticed a spelling error before he could finish his sentence) A-pee, A-puh, A-puh, Appaer? (A-Pear) Appaer?! Does anybody proofread this shit?!
The Nerd: It only goes to show how much effort they spent on the game when they can't even get the fucking text right. The text itself seems to be one of the main issues. Not just spelling errors, but the information too. It seems like they're giving you clues, but they never make any sense, and most of the time, they're just flat out lies. In adventure games, especially RPGs, getting clues is a big part of the game. So as a gamer, you're inclined to regard what they say as true. After all, why else would it be in the game? To confuse the shit out of you, that's why!
The Nerd: The part that's disturbed me the most is that when you walk in this house, you find this old creepy bitch sitting on the floor. Looks like roadkill with a mop on top (referring to the old lady sprite). She says, "Let's live here together." Okay. Fine. We'll just... live here. Yeah, so... nice place. To sum things up, reading anything in this game is just as useless as the guy in Zelda II who says "I am Error". That's why this is what you called, a Nintendo Power game.
(the Nerd plays the game, and looks up information about the game in his "Nintendo Power" magazine)
The Nerd: Of course there's the wall, where you have to select the red crystal, kneel down, and then wait for a tornado. But that's just the beginning.
The Nerd: There's a part where you have to go under a lake. I can just barely see the platform, so I get the idea that I'm supposed to go down there. But if you touch the water, you die. You have to select the blue crystal, then you kneel down for a few seconds, and then, you can go through the water. Who the fuck is supposed to figure that out?! There's another spot where you're supposed to go into a cemetery, and drop a piece of garlic so you can get a silver knife. Who is this person in a robe who waits in a cemetery for someone to come by and drop garlic?
The Nerd: So there's the cryptic parts, but then there's parts that are just plain annoying. Some of the jumps are outrageous.
(Montage of the Nerd trying to get onto an upper platform, but failing)
The Nerd: (Groans) Man, get up there!
(grunts for a bit)
The Nerd: (Grunting angrily) GET THE FUCK UP THERE!!
The Nerd: Then there's these blocks. It doesn't look that hard, seems like you can just hop on over, but if your timing isn't 100% accurate, your jump doesn't reach. I'm gonna try again.
(falls again)
The Nerd: (Grunts angrily and exclaims) This game is poopy.
The Nerd: The most annoying enemies in this game that I never forget are the blobs. They just bounce all over the place. You can't get away from 'em, especially if you're on the stairs!
(Simon falls through the platforms)
The Nerd: (Groans) What?! Let's take a look at that again. (Replay of last few seconds) I'm on the stairs, totally defenseless, the blob knocks me off, and I fall through the fake block. That is so fucking cheap.
The Nerd: The most annoying hazard in this game is water. Seriously, water? Why is that such an issue? (Moves to next screen, and falls in the water) Oh, come on! That wasn't even on the same screen!
The Nerd: The last thing to mention are the bosses. There's very few of them, and let me tell you, they got lazy with these bosses, I mean real lazy.
(Cut to fight with the Grim Reaper in the first "Castlevania" game)
The Nerd: You know how hard the Grim Reaper is in the first game? Well, if you do, then wait 'til you see how hard he is here. (Cut to fight with the Grim Reaper in "Castlevania II"; Simon effortlessly walks underneath the Reaper and his attacks and exits to the right. The Nerd is relieved) Damn, I'm lucky I got past that Grim Reaper.
The Nerd: Then, of course, you walk through an empty castle, to fight the easiest end boss in video game history. (Defeats Dracula) And there you have Castlevania II.
The Nerd: Well, that was a mouthful, but we should conclude this episode with the last in the NES trilogy: Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse.
The Nerd: In this game, you take control of Trevor Belmont, an ancestor of Simon's who battles Dracula for the first time, making this game a prequel.
(montage of "Castlevania III: Dracula's Curse" with music)
The Nerd: It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, who you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, Son of Dracula.
Dracula: Announce Count Alucard.
Harry Brewster: D-R-A-C--
Frank Stanley: What are you mumbling about?
Harry Brewster: Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.
The Nerd: With these innovations, I think it's the best Castlevania game on the NES. But it's also the hardest.
The Nerd: There's a stage where the screen keeps moving up. If you're caught at the bottom, you die. What kind of logic is that? In Trevor Belmont's world, what killed him? The TV screen? So you can't waste any time; you gotta keep going up. (Trevor gets hit by a knight as soon as he goes up) Oh, what the shit was that fuckin' nonsense? Tell me that's fair to make you have to hurry, only to have knights appear out of nowhere.
The Nerd: Your greatest hazard in this game is not pits, not water, or spikes, or anything like that. It's the stairs. The fucking stairs are your worst nightmare. If you're next to the stairs, and you try to use your special attack, the attack doesn't work. Instead you go up the stairs. Look at this. Like, God, get down! I want to attack the knight. God, get off the stairs...! (Grunts) God, you're defenseless. When you're on the stairs, your ass is fucked.
The Nerd: How 'bout the floor? Let's make the floor a death trap too. Okay, that's fine, if you wanna play shit like that, but how in the holy God-damn mother shit-fucking Christ of cunt fuck am I supposed to attack the enemy when the fucking floor's falling down? Did the game developers expect you to be some kinda miracle multi-tasker? Thank God for Alucard. See, I can cheat too, you rotten bastard. Oh, and when you're using Sypha's Freeze spell, whatever you do, DON'T FREEZE the enemy projectiles. That was a disaster. And that's the way this whole game is, just an ongoing train wreck.
(montage of deaths)
The Nerd: This fuckers got no mercy! This is the reason why Game Genie was invented. But I'm not doin' that, because I'm gonna do this legit. Now where's that extra live code? "HELPME". That's it. You spell "HELPME". Isn't that the most appropriate password you ever heard? Because anyone who plays this game, that's exactly what you're thinking.
The Nerd: I've made it to Dracula, but never beaten him. Wherever you stand, two towers of fire come up, trapping you, while another tower comes up in the middle. How are you supposed to dodge that?! It gets you every time!
The Nerd: The worst thing about this is that when you die, it doesn't start you back at the stairs. No, not like the other games; instead it sends you all the way back to the beginning of the stage. It's fucking relentless! And Dracula has three forms. You're telling me you have to make it all the way through the stage and fight three forms of Dracula without any fucking continues or power ups? Are you mad?! How are you supposed to do that?!
(Trevor dies, and the Nerd throws the controller to the side and drinks some Rolling Rock)
The Nerd: If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's Castlevania III. You know, like if you want a game that'll piss you off, putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a hyena's asshole?! Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the Castlevania trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is going overtime, it's a Castlevania-thon!
(blooper)
James D. Rolfe: This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while having a hyena's head up your ass... or your head up its ass! (chuckles)

Castlevania Part Three[edit]

The Nerd: When the 1980s came to an end, the Castlevania trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, Castlevania made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just Castlevania IV. Oh, no. This was Super Castlevania IV, and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was really getting scared.

The Nerd: At the time, this must have been the greatest opening to any video game yet, the fog keeps rolling in until it envelopes the shattered gravestone and almost seems creeping into the room itself.

(the camera switches to the Nerd holding a blanket over his head as fog billows into the room)

The Nerd: And then, of course, we have the game.

(montage of "Super Castlevania IV" with music)

The Nerd: Oh, yeah. This is where it's at. The graphics give a supreme demonstration of what the Super Nintendo could do. There's not two levels that look alike, and the intention to detail is exquisite. The first time I played I didn't even noticed that skull in the background, if you look close enough you can see bats flying out.

The Nerd: There's a stage where the background spins giving you a 3-dimensional effect. Then there's the room that rotates 2-dimensionally and you have to hang onto your whip. It gives you a feeling of disorientation that I hadn't felt yet in the game. But the best advantage, the most important thing that they improved here, was the control.

The Nerd: The choppy stiffness of the earlier games, gone. Now it's fluent and perfect. You can whip straight up, down or in any direction, that 8 directions you can whip. If you hold down the button and fuck about with the D-pad you can do all kinds of tricks. It doesn't have much purpose, but it's pretty cool.

The Nerd: Being able to whip any way you want makes it easier to attack enemies while you're in mid-air. Not to mention when you jump you have more ability to control where you land. You can even move while crouching. The control is perfect, and that's the keyword here; "control." You feel like you're in control. It's almost like Simon Belmont can do anything, even moonwalk. (16-bit version of "Beat It" by Michael Jackson plays as Simon moonwalks.) It's as if you are Simon Belmont and fully immersed in the game. That means that the difficulty isn't all about stiff controls and cheap deaths, but this time in genuine fair challenge. For the most part.

The Nerd: As far as the story goes, it's more less a remake of the first game. Some fans might have been a little disappointed that there's no other playable characters and it goes back to the linear style. But that's how I like it best; straight forward and simple. The replay value is high for me and I'd pop this fucker in any day.

The Nerd: In its final stages, it plays the music from all 3 of the NES games. It's like nostalgic memories of an Nintendo game within another Nintendo game. (The Super NES version of "Bloody Tears" plays)

The Nerd: That's it, the perfect Castlevania game. But what would come next? We had a sequel, a prequel and a remake. Which direction could the series go after this? At this point, my expectation was soaring in the heavens, and I couldn't wait for Castlevania V. This is where the disappointment began, and forever kept rolling downhill, like a ball of dog dookie down a muddy slope. I opened up the pages of Nintendo Power, and there it was; Castlevania: Dracula X. I said it out loud to myself...

The Nerd: "Castlevania: Dracula X." I wondered, "Why not just call it Castlevania V?". Well, that's what I thought back then, but if only I knew the original Japanese title, Devil's Castle Dracula X: Rondo of Blood. Just rolls right off your tongue.

The Nerd: The original version on the PC-Engine would be unknown in North America for years to come until it was eventually released on the PSP. The Super Nintendo version is often seen as a butchered port, but I think it's a decent edition to the series.

(montage of "Castlevania: Dracula X" with music)

The Nerd: In this game, you take control of a new Belmont named Richter. He's not quite as skilled with the whip. Once again, you're restricted to only whipping in a horizontal manor, a major downfall from the previous game.

The Nerd: Throwing specials items on the stairs, once again, it's a little tricky, because you have to use the D-pad. Unlike the last game which conveniently used the R button, this time, you're back to the NES control of using up plus the attack button. However, you do have a back-flip, which can come in handy sometimes. But for the most part, you're ill-equipped to deal with the unfair challenges. The distances you're expected to jump are stretched so far, that the only way to make them is if you jump from the absolute edge, as close as you can possibly get, without falling off.

The Nerd: The frustration in this game is back, full fucking force. Every level is an endurance and you'll be begging for a pork chop all the time.

The Nerd: The final battle with Dracula is impossible. Im-fucking-possible. Is it bad enough Dracula turns into a devil wearing a speedo? And on top of that, you have to hop across platforms? Anywhere you stand, one hit will knock you off and kill you.

The Nerd: Dracula X was a decent game, but not a worthy successor to the masterpiece Castlevania IV, so the search was still on.

The Nerd: Now, let me explain something for a minute. I couldn't afford more than one game system at a time plus a library of games to support it. So I passed on PlayStation, and favored the next Nintendo console. I was sure that the same way the Super Nintendo impressed me so much, the Nintendo 64 would come along and do the same: Delivering the next best Castlevania. I was ready to have my balls blown off by awesomeness once again.

(moons explode)

The Nerd: There were two games, one simply titled Castlevania and the other, Castlevania: Legacy of Darkness. They were both released the same year, and share the same style of gameplay. Like Mario and Zelda, Castlevania was making a leap to the 3rd dimension. The graphics are good, for Nintendo 64 standards, but I find them unappealing, because it's the beginning of the 3D age, and they haven't perfected it yet. It's that awkward period between the old and the new.

The Nerd: Now because both of these games are so similar I'm only gonna talk about this one. If I talk about every game, I'll be doing this 'til next year. After all, this is the last Castlevania game I played when it was new, closing my personal recollection of how I experienced the series.

The Nerd: You get a choice between two characters: Reinhardt and Carrie. Reinhardt uses the whip. The control is awkward, I don't know what it is, but it just seems like Castlevania was made to be in 2D. I don't know, just for some reason Ocarina of Time worked out so much better. So, I'm going with Carrie, because at least she has a projectile giving you a longer range. But now, I'm playing as like a schoolgirl? It doesn't look anything like Castlevania anymore.

The Nerd: In this stage, you have to pull levers to open gates, so when you get to a lever, it says "Operate the mechanism? Yes or No?" Why does it bother asking me this? Obviously, I wanna pull the lever. What's my other option, to just stare at the fucking background?

The Nerd: The enemies are a complete joke. A Frankenstein monster wielding a chainsaw? What? Skeletons on motorcycles? And this game takes place in 1852. Was there fucking motorcycles back then?

The Nerd: The music sucks, it just sucks. Think it sucks? Listen. (no music plays) It sucks, there's no fucking music. The control is what kills it. You grab onto these steps, and when you try to climb up, you just move back and forth.

The Nerd: You want to know what your worst enemy is in this game? Medusa Heads? No. Stairs? No. Water? No. This time, it's the camera itself. You can never situate the camera at the right angle to see what the Hell you're doing, it just points whenever it wants! (The Nerd grunts and groans while trying to jump over a gap and Carrie dies 4 times)

The Nerd: OK, so now, I'm at a part where I'm supposed to destroy a cracked wall using two separate items. So, I gotta find these two items and combine them together so they make some kind of explosive chemical. One's called a Mandragora, and the other is Nitro. I got the Mandragora first, but now when I try pick up the Nitro it's telling me I can't carry them together because they'll explode. So, OK, I guess I gotta carry them one at a time. No problem, right?

The Nerd: Well, I carried the Mandragora over this cracked wall and guess what? I just realized I have no clue how to put this thing down. There's no drop, or throw away option, nothing. I tried putting it in these garbage chutes, on the wall, but still no luck. Then I found these statues that talk to you.

The Nerd: At first, I thought there were giving you hints letting you know what to do with the Nitro and Mandragora. But since I can't seem to place the stuff on the ground, I figure I have to talk to these statues in order to even use the items at all! Even though that makes no sense, that's like talking to a fire hydrant so that you can use dynamite to demolish a building.

The Nerd: But anyway, talking to the statues doesn't work either. Turns out I was supposed to get the Nitro first. But now that I'm stuck holding the Mandragora, there's nothing I can do. The game's over. What a fatal flaw! Just because you miss some object, it won't let you continue! I don't what else to do! So the only other thing I can think of is to start the entire game over. And this time make sure to get the Nitro first.

The Nerd: Well, I did just that. I started all the way back from the beginning, made it all the way back to the Castle Center, so here we are I got the Nitro first. Now, I'm heading over to the cracked wall again. Oh, shit! It's explosive! That means you have to walk really slow and be careful not to touch anything. You're not even allowed to jump! Shit! (Carrie gets killed by the Nitro) (Exclaims) Ooh! Damn! And every time it happens, you go back to the save spot. Oh my God, this takes forever. Come on. Come on! (Groans) This is so boring! Well, finally after about a half hour of walking incredibly slow, I made to the cracked wall. Well, at least I have the Nitro this time. Right? (the screen still says it can't be used.) What the fuck? I still can't use the item? I don't know what I'm supposed to do!

(not knowing what to do, the Nerd decides to commit suicide)

The Nerd: Life sucks.

To be concluded...

Castlevania Part Four[edit]

The Nerd: Life fucking sucks and so does this game. After Castlevania on Nintendo 64, I've given up hope for the next great game in the series. Several years later I realized I've been looking in the wrong place.

The Nerd: Like I said before, I stuck with the Nintendo consoles, and I missed out on the other Castlevania games: Like Castlevania: Bloodlines on the Sega Genesis.

(montage of "Castlevania: Bloodlines" with music)

The Nerd: That's what you call Castlevania. Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from Dracula, the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and...it's like taking two cannons and putting them together.

(cannons fire)

The Nerd: Anyway, this is a great game for the Sega Genesis library, but it's still not on par with Castlevania IV. Whipping in 8 directions, the moonwalking, all that's gone. The graphics, the sound, the gameplay, it's all really good, but it's not as good.

The Nerd: Then I turned to the PlayStation, the console which I underestimated so much. There I found Castlevania: Symphony of the Night. (the game shows Alucard jumping across the drawbridge as it rises) Holy hot damn, this is fucking good.

(montage of "Castlevania: Symphony of the Night" with music)

The Nerd: The graphics and sound are superb, but there is some pretty cheesy voice acting.

Richter Belmont: Die, monster. You don't belong in this world!

Dracula: What is a man? A miserable little pile of secrets. But enough talk... Have at you!

The Nerd: The game's a sequel to Dracula X. In the opening scene, you play as Richter Belmont battling Dracula. The rest of the game you play as Alucard, who's powerful as fuck. Anything that stands in your way no matter how big, one hit and it just fucking explodes. That is until you meet Death who takes all your weapons away. Now, Alucard sucks. All you get is this dinky sword and every enemy takes, like, 9 million hits to kill.

The Nerd: As you go through the game, you gain powerups and upgrade your weapons, which is like many games, but to start you off the good weapons and then take them away is just fucking teasing you! Alucard has his backward dash, but I've never found a reason to use it, other than to go slightly faster. And what are these? Skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?

The Nerd: The one thing I truly hate about this game is that whenever you die, you go back to the main menu. In the other games you get a continue screen. That's all you need, right? But here, you gotta wait for the screen to melt... (screen melts) then you gotta stare at the Game Over screen.

Death: Game... Over!

The Nerd: (groans) Come on.

(Dracula laughs evilly and the Nerd impatiently drinks a bottle of Rolling Rock)

The Nerd: (annoyed) This takes forever.

The Nerd: And then, it's back to the title screen. Hit start...then select the file...wait for the screen load...and then pick your saved game. "ANALBAG", that's me. Then you gotta wait for the game to load. (impatiently) Come on! (game resumes) And finally you continue from your last save point. That is fucking atrocious.

The Nerd: The boss battles are epic. In the end you have to fight a dark priest named Shaft. What's up with the name? Seriously, Shaft?

Female Chorus: Shaft!

John Shaft: Damn right!

The Nerd: And after that, you fight Dracula and, just, uh, wow, holy shit.

The Nerd: The last and most important thing I have to address with this game is its gameplay style. It's the major breakthrough what sets it apart from the previous games in the series. Instead of the simple linear style, it goes for a Metroid-style with endless forks in the road, save points, and a map system. It's exactly like Metroid, and that's why many fans refer to it as Metroidvania.

The Nerd: It also has some RPG elements. By fighting monsters, you earn experience points, and when you get enough experience points, you level up your power. There's all kinds of potions, and items, and armor, weapons, and sub-weapons and this is a huge game. It takes hours to get through the castle. Does Dracula need such a big place to live? And if that's not enough, you have to go through the whole castle all over again, upside down.

The Nerd: Anyway, this ​Metroid style of Castlevania would become the dominant style of Castlevania for the rest of time. Sure, there is a 3D game every now and then, and it pretty much took on every style imaginable. But never again was there another classic linear Castlevania. The console versions continued to expiriment, while the portable versions followed Symphony of the Night as the example. Pretty much the whole game takes place inside the castle. I missed all that old spooky scenery, the old games had cemeteries and forests. I mean, since when did the whole game have to take place inside the castle? Since Symphony of the Night, that's when. This is when Castlevania seemed to become more distant from the classic games, and gravitate away from what I originally loved about it. There's so much text, and the storylines were getting ridiculous. In Dawn of Sorrow, Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around, now they have Dracula too? By the way, that's a nice cover, isn't it? It's like a game within a game.

The Nerd: Anyway, Symphony of the Night is often considered to be the best of the whole series. While I think it's an amazing game, my favorite is still Castlevania IV. The control was so satisfying in that game, Alucard's sword is not as much fun as Simon Belmont's whip. Sure, there is way to unlock Richter Belmont, but this is only after you've already beaten the game. You can't whip in all directions, but you can do that little twirly thing and Richter has some neat special moves.

(Richter Belmont is shown doing special moves.)

The Nerd: But I still prefer the feel of Castlevania IV and being in total control of my whip. But for the most part, I think the challenge is better. In Symphony of the Night, whenever you come to a hard part, there always seems to be an easier way around it. You can turn into a bat and fly over, or sometimes you need to get more experience points, or there might be some weapon you need to equip, or an item that improves your stamina, or resists fire, or makes you immune to some certain magic spells, there's so many variables here!

The Nerd: In Castlevania IV, all you had was your own wit. You don't rely on tricks: It's just you and the game, and the only way to beat it is to beat it with your mind and your reflexes. And that, to me, is what Castlevania is all about.

The Nerd: And once you've beaten the game in the wee hours of the morning, and watch the castle crumble, you reflect from all that time you just spent. The credit sequence shows little replays from each level: It's like watching old memories. And that's what the Castlevania games are for me; memories that will last forever.

(montage of "Castlevania" series with "Super Castlevania IV" ending theme. In the end, the castle crumbles as an ending text says "You played the greatest role in this story. Thank you for watching." Episode ends.)

Little Red Hood[edit]

(Level 2 music from "Snake Rattle'n'Roll" plays)
The Nerd: I have a lot of NES games. Look at all these fuckin' games. So many choices. Which one should I play? Well here's a question: which one's different from the rest, huh? Which one juts out like a fuckin' piece of shit? This one. (pulls out "Little Red Hood" cartridge) And look, what's that? Why it's another game hiding behind it.
The Nerd: It sure is a unique specimen. If it had only been for this, I'd say it's pretty strange, but the way it protrudes out too, definitely makes it the most oddly-shaped of the whole collection. Being that this is one of those unlicensed hack-fucks, it won't play in a classic Nintendo, unless you stick another game on it. So that's what it's for. But all the other unlicensed games didn't have to do that, so why this one? It's just like Super Noah's Ark 3D, the only Super Nintendo game where you had to do that.
(Level 1 music from "Snake Rattle'n'Roll" plays)
The Nerd: If you play it on the Top Loader, then it works just like a regular game. It does look lonely and stupid, so I guess you could stack shit on top if you want. (stacks a Game Genie and two other stackable games on the top of the cartridge)
The Nerd: You know what? I noticed somethin' really weird. These ("Little Red Hood" and "Super Noah's Ark 3D") are the only two games I know of that have that weird thing where you gotta stick the game on the top, but they also both involve animals, slingshots, and fruit. I wonder if there's a connection... Probably not.
The Nerd: Anyway, whaddya expect of a game based off of Little Red Riding Hood? You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear.
The Nerd: What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't Little Red Riding Hood. This is Little RED Hood. Yeah! Not to be confused. I don't know, really; th-the real reason why it's called Little Red Hood, instead of Little Red Riding Hood... is... because I have no fucking idea.
(Game starts)
The Nerd: So this is the game. You just look at it, and it sucks. It doesn't come as a surprise. It's not like there's any expectations to meet. It's not Spider-Man, or Batman, or somethin' cool; it's a fuckin' fairy tale. So it doesn't even need to try to be bad. Well just hold that thought, because pretty soon, you're gonna see how it goes way beyond your wildest nightmares.
The Nerd: The first thing you try to figure out is how to attack. The B button makes her kick, but it doesn't do a damn thing. It's like the stick in Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Why do they give you an attack that doesn't do shit? On the cover of the fucking game, it shows her kicking an enemy! Why can't you do it in the game?! Why'd they have to FUCKIN' LIE?! The only thing the kick can be used for is kicking palm trees to make cherries appear. But please God, tell me one thing: WHY ARE THERE CHERRIES COMING OUT OF A FUCKING PALM TREE?!
The Nerd: So that's it for the kick, so let's try the A button, which makes ya jump. Can you use this as an attack? (She tries to jump on an enemy, but gets hit instead) Nope. Well that pretty much cancels it all out. But there's guys running all over the place tryin' to kill you. There's gotta be some way to attack, right?
The Nerd: Well, sometimes when you pick up a rock, you might uncover a white dog, and if you're lucky, the dog will eat the bad guys. So that's basically your attack. Mario jumps on people, Link uses a sword, Little Red Hood uses a dog that she finds under a rock. I can't believe I'm explaining this. It's not even like you control the dog; it just wanders around. So you just have to hope that the dog and the bad guys just accidentally walk into one another.
The Nerd: Let's check out the store. The store always sells the same three items. Even when there's two stores right next to each other. What's the point of that? It's like fuckin' Starbucks at every street corner. The first item is a potion that makes you invincible. It only works for a few seconds, so it's not worth the investment. The second item is a heart that regains your health. But tell me, why is your health indicated by those traditional fake Valentine-looking hearts, when the heart you buy in the store is like a real human heart? Not to mention, you can find candy, which gives you some health back too. Not as much as the heart you buy in the store, but why would you pay for it when you can basically find the same thing for free?
The Nerd: The third item is a slingshot. Now that's more what we're talkin' about. Now you'd expect her to use the slingshot to shoot rocks or something, right? But no. She THROWS the fucking thing!
The Nerd: (grabs a real-life slingshot) Yeah, check this out! Look! I'm gonna hit you with this slingshot! (pulls the band back as if to shoot a rock, but then decides to throw it. He shakes his head and raises his hands in confusion.) I suppose if the game programmers put a gun in the game, you'd be throwin' that as well. Does that make any sense? (takes a drink and thinks for a second, then shakes his head) No.
The Nerd: It doesn't matter anyway, because after you've thrown only a few slingshots, it's gone. 1000 gold pieces down the shitter. Even when you do kill anybody, they come back right away. Respawning enemies are common in games, but here, they don't even give you a second. The instant they die, they come back, almost as if nothing happened. So there's no purpose tryin' to kill anybody. All you can do is run, run, run, like a little red pussy.
The Nerd: Once you've gotten over that fact, you start wondering, "What's the goal? How do you get to the next level?" Well this is where the real havoc begins. To begin with, the stage is small enough to span two TV screens. Occasionally a staircase will appear. You go down the staircase, and you find a room. Here you can get some gold and some candy, but other than that, it's a dead end. The staircase continues to appear, but in no such way that you can predict. I'm not sure if it goes off on a timer or whatever, but basically, this staircase appears whenever it wants. It's never in the same place, but it always leads to the same room.
The Nerd: You try kicking trees, but all you get are cherries, which don't seem to do anything. You try kicking rocks and all you get are enemies or other items; no exit and no clue whatsoever. Sometimes you get a balloon, but that only takes you to a bonus stage. One piece of gold always flashes, but I don't understand why, and I'm pretty sure it's just a glitch of some kind. You try all the boundaries, thinking that somewhere there's a spot where you can walk into the next part of the game, but it doesn't happen. All the trees, even that one little spot that looks like a fence, and even the areas that seem wide open are all just the same: a fuckin' barricade that might as well be a brick wall.
The Nerd: Like, what a mystery, right? (Throws controller to the floor) Well this is when anybody would just shut off the game. But do you really wanna know how to play it? (raises his beer) One more of these and I'll tell ya. (drinks)
The Nerd: You need to get a key. Now, where could this key be hidden? Why, of course. It appears randomly inside one of the staircases, which also appear randomly. If you've been in that room once already, you'd just assume there's nothing there. So now that you have the key, whaddya do with it? You're thinking, there's gotta be a locked door or somethin' like that, right? But no. You're supposed to wait for another staircase to appear, and that's the exit. That doesn't make any sense. How would a key unlock an open staircase that doesn't even have a door in front of it? At least if they put a keyhole on it, it would be more logical, but it would also let you know that you're supposed to use the key there.
The Nerd: Oh, and I didn't even tell ya how to make this staircase appear. That's where the cherries come in. You just go around kicking random trees, getting cherries, and when you've gotten enough of them, I think twelve, the stairway appears. How would anybody guess that's what the cherries are for? There isn't even a counter to keep track of how many cherries you've collected. Come to think of it, there's nothing tellin' ya how many lives you have either. You get no information. I've tried hitting Start, Select; there's no status screen, and unless you have an instruction manual, you'll never figure this out.
The Nerd: But now we know, so let's continue with the game. But first, let's recap and make sure we got this straight, okay? All right... you wait for randomly flashing staircases to appear, in which you try to find a randomly appearing key, which randomly appears within the randomly appearing staircases, and then try to collect a random number of cherries, that randomly appear as you kick palm trees, to reveal another staircase that doesn't flash, or more or less appears to be flashing, but in a frozen state. You go in there, and then you're off to the next level.
The Nerd: You got that? Well, good. 'Cause now, all you gotta do is do that nine more times, and congratulations - you've learned the secret of playing Little Red Hood. The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of Little Red Riding Hood? Well... I'll tell ya. Absolutely FUCKIN' nothing.
The Nerd: So now that you know how to play, you just gotta go through the same routine over and over. Because of the random nature of this game, each stage could take anywhere from five minutes, to a half hour. It all depends when the stairways appear, when the key appears, and so on. It starts to wear on your mind very quickly. Every level looks alike. The colors are changed, the trees and the fruit are different, but overall the design is basically the same thing. But it goes beyond just being bland. They somehow managed to choose the most repulsive color schemes and patterns. Don't you wish there could've been a more appealing texture and hue, rather than this diarrhea-ish brown? Look at the bear! Did they purposely try to make it match the background? They really couldn't help but use the same putrid color twice?
The Nerd: The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass. Even something as simple as walking can't go without glitchy side effects. Like Metal Gear, you can't pass through narrow spots. I mean, if you can't walk through, why make it look like you can?! (He manages to do so.) Oh, never mind. I guess if ya fidget around enough, it works.
The Nerd: You can't jump when you're below a tree, as if your head is somehow hitting the trunk. Technically this would mean the character is not jumping straight up into the air, but rather sideways, as if Little Red Hood exists in a two-dimensional space, while jumping sideways into a three-dimensional tree! If you're walking above the tree, you can't walk behind the leaves. It's as if this vague space the tree occupies is a blockade. The items always appear at random, even in areas where you can't get to them, like inside a tree. Sometimes two items can appear in the same place! And sometimes, an item can just randomly disappear. Everything about this game is a broken-down mess!
The Nerd: It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word "random" and "appear"? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, I'll tell ya the effect! (loudly) IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!
The Nerd: Nothing is consistent about this twisted piece of shit-covered anal fuck! In this stage, the key is out in the open, guarded by a panda, I guess. Are any of the animals in this game supposed to be the Big Bad Wolf? Anyway, the panda is the only enemy that kills you with one hit. Doesn't matter if you have full health; you touch the panda and you're dead. The only way you can get past it is if you get hit by something else, and then pass through. Thank God for that after-hit invincibility. Then there's this spot where you have to jump on turtles to get across a waterfall. And this is NOT the kind of game that has good jumping control. (The Nerd tries to jump to the other side of the waterfall, but fails) Fuck... (grunts) FUCK! (growls angrily) (yells) FUCK!
The Nerd: Level 5 is a sea level. All ya have to do is get two pearls. I guess they decided to change it up a bit. It's the easiest level in existence, and has no purpose. Too bad there weren't any other levels like this so we can breeze through this fuckwad!
The Nerd: But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots!
(The Nerd is stunned.)
The Nerd: HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?! You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules! Imagine if in Super Mario Bros., if one level you can't jump on the flagpole at the end. Unless first you collect exactly 29 coins, stomp 3 Goombas, and get a fire flower.
The Nerd: You wanna know how I feel now?! I'm fuckin' ENRAGED! You don't just change the rules like that! This is SHIT SAUCE! This is DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE STANDARDS! And I'm still playing it! I don't even know why; I guess I can't resist being able to say "I beat Little Red Hood!" And you know what? I don't expect a good ending either. Why work hard on creating an elaborate ending when you've made the game so hard to figure out that there's not a chance in hell anyone would get that far?! In fact, I expect a SHITTY ending! A FUCKIN' LOATHSOME, ASS-SUCKING SHIT HEAP OF AN ENDING!
The Nerd: (mimics Grandma) "Oh! My dear Little Red Hood! Thank you for your coming!" (The Nerd drops the controller and picks up his beer) You did not disappoint.
(The Nerd drinks Rolling Rock while Paul Farah's Angry Video Game Nerd remix plays in the background.)

Winter Games[edit]

AVGN: It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some Winter Games. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with "Happy Holidays", then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.

AVGN: How do you like that music? Listen: (Plays some of the background music) Exquisite. (commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event) Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.

AVGN: (playing the Figure Skating event) I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ever in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about Winter Games is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's Winter Games? You ever play Winter Games? Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing Winter Games! You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game but you tell that they're just acting? They're just going like this? They're playing Winter Games. Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.

AVGN: THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!! (reads caution label at the back of the cartridge) "Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with Benzene, Thinner Alcohol or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to dissassemble". (proceeds to do to the cartridge each one of the things the caution label advises against) Like that? (places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt) BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!!

Street Fighter 2010[edit]

AVGN: Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. (The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from Street Fighter 2010.) What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game Street Fighter 2010!

AVGN: Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always "2000". It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. (referring to Back to the Future Part II's depiction of the year 2015) In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!

AVGN: Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck Street Fighter IV, this is Street Fighter 2010!

AVGN: What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with Street Fighter?

AVGN: (commenting on the cover illustration of Fighting Street, showing Ryu in front of Mt. Rushmore] To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to Fighting Street! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, George Washington, and Abe Lincoln.

AVGN: The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says "THE END."]

Hydlide[edit]

AVGN: Ugh, Hydlide! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! HYDLIDE! Sounds so wretched and foul!

AVGN: Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.

AVGN: There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.

AVGN: Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!

AVGN: That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.

Ninja Gaiden[edit]

The Nerd: We're talkin' some real intense shit right here. We're talkin' Ninja Gaiden. Everyone always said "Ninja Gayden", but I know for a fact it's Gaiden. You know where I learned that? From The Wizard.
Video Armageddon Sign-In Man: Ninja Gaiden! [exclaims]
The Nerd: Yeah. Back then, nobody knew how to pronounce the names. It's like in Street Fighter. We didn't know "Rai-yu" was actually Ryu. Blanka, some people say "Blank-a", but there's no way it could be that, because Blank-a sounds like blanket, man.
The Nerd: Anyway, Ninja Gaiden, to me, is one of the most memorable games of the 8-bit era. While the arcade version was a Double Dragon-style beat-'em-up, the NES version is an adrenaline-charged sidescroller. Every second counts when you're slashin' away at enemies and hoppin' platforms, and learnin' how to bounce back and forth between walls is a necessity. As an added bonus to its hot gameplay, excellent graphics and music, it was also one of the first games to have cutscenes. Common nowadays, sure, but back then, gamers hadn't seen anything like it. So epic.
The Nerd: The story follows a ninja named Ryu who travels to America to avenge his father's death. It seemed everyone always assumed that it was the same Ryu from Street Fighter, but I'm pretty sure there's no relation. To further perpetuate this alleged tie-in, they had to name Ryu's father Ken. Okay, "Ryu" and "Ken"? How could you not think Street Fighter?
The Nerd: As the story unfolds, it turns out before Ken was killed, he was working together with an archaeologist, Walter Smith. They were the safe-keepers of two demon statues that when combined, would awaken an ancient demon that had previously been defeated by SHINOBI. Yeah, Shinobi, as in the Sega franchise. This game is a whole network of ninja cross-references.
The Nerd: The sequels continued to have awesome cutscenes, and throughout the series, Ryu would always say "What the...?" "What the...?" "WHAT THE...?" What was he gonna say? "What the fuck?" Oh, and what is going on there?
[Irene Lew's head slowly falls to the level of Ryu's crotch, going off-screen]
The Nerd: It always kept you waiting to see what would happen next. Your reward for beatin' the level was that you get to see the next part of the story. Its cinematic style contained elements of anime, and film noir. Throw that together with some fast-paced, high-stake gameplay, and man... the effect was intoxicating.
The Nerd: The only problem with these games is that they're relentlessly difficult and nearly inconceivable to beat. The second game (Ninja Gaiden II: The Dark Sword of Chaos) incorporated new stage hazards that were never seen before. There's the wind level, where the wind keeps changing direction, so you have to time your jumps accordingly. Such a pain in the ass. Then there's the ice level where you slide all around. And my most hated of all is when everything goes dark. You might as well be playing blindfolded.
The Nerd: The third game (Ninja Gaiden III: The Ancient Ship of Doom) is the worst of all, because up until this point, they had unlimited continues. But not this one. There's nothing more frustrating than to make it really far, then have to start all the way back from the beginning.
The Nerd: I'd say this is the hardest trilogy of games on the NES, even harder than Castlevania. I'm gonna focus on the first Ninja Gaiden. It's been over 20 years, and I still can't beat this son-of-a-bitch.
The Nerd: One of the biggest problems is that if an enemy's anywhere near the edge of the screen, they will re-spawn infinitely.
[The Nerd runs out of ammunition]
The Nerd: [sarcastically] Nice. Thanks for wasting my firepower.
[The Nerd tries to hit the enemy but gets knocked back. Tries again and succeeds, but at the same gets knocked back and dies.]
The Nerd: The number one most constant issue in this game is getting knocked back. It's the same as in Castlevania. It doesn't matter where you are; no matter which angle you get hit from, it always seems you gravitate towards the nearest hole.
[Ryu get knocked back and dies]
The Nerd: You know, I've forgotten that this game has a life bar. Yeah, you can actually die if you take enough hits. But whenever you get hit, there's a deathtrap right next to you, so you're always gonna die by falling. You might as well not even have a life bar!
The Nerd: Look at this guy. How am I supposed to get past him? [grunts] Fuck! [he groans, then grunts twice] Fuck. Fuck! [yells] FUUUUCK! This is impossible! How am I supposed to beat this?! [throws the controller on the ground and sits at his computer chair. Then he sees a "Ninja Gaiden" poster behind his computer. He stares at it as the screen fades to black. In the next scene, a ninja is shown meditating near a Japanese-style temple while the "Killer Instinct 2" training theme plays. The Nerd visits him.]
The Nerd: Please, teach me how to beat... Ninja Gaiden.
Ninja: Ninja Gaiden? I haven't heard that name... in ages.
The Nerd: Really?
Ninja: Normally they say, Ninja... Gayden.
The Nerd: Does that mean I'm worthy?
Ninja: [laughs] Playing Ninja Gaiden is a secret of art. Only the most determined players can defeat it. [exclaims] You must be quick. You must be strategic. Can you learn that, my boy?
The Nerd: I've wanted to beat that game all my life.
Ninja: You realize, before you can beat the game, the game must beat you.
The Nerd: And it has. For the past 20 years, it's kicked my ass. I love the game. I want to complete that love, by finishing it.
Ninja: Very well.
[The Nerd returns home with the ninja. He is playing "Ninja Gaiden" while the ninja watches him. He gets frustrated after losing again]
The Nerd: Fuck!
Ninja: Sloppy! Is the game controlling you? Or are you controlling the game?
The Nerd: Gah! I keep gettin' stuck on the walls!
Ninja: Ninja... must be master... of his environment.
The Nerd: Now what the fuck was that?! Oh, come on, how was I supposed to know a bat was coming?
Ninja: A ninja... must look... beyond the borders... of the screen.
The Nerd: Got him. Oh, there's another bat!
Ninja: [chortles] Try again! Practice! Unlimited continues means no Game Over. Game is only over when you make it over!
The Nerd: What am I supposed to do?! The bats keep coming!
Ninja: You must move! How is one to advance, if you waste all your energy on one enemy?
The Nerd: [grunts] Your mother!
Ninja: You must not act too quick, or too late. Perceive the victory in your head, and your perceived future will be your present.
The Nerd: [ecstatically] Yeah!
Ninja: Good.
The Nerd: No! I jumped a bat, got killed by a cat! That's the way this whole game is. It's just an endless cycle of things that kill you, like a checkmate.
Ninja: [moans] Nerd, checkmate does not exist unless you make it exist. Think between the spaces, Nerd. If you set a course for the moon and merely follow the stars... then you will miss that which you have set forth. Hmm? Hmm?
[the Nerd looks at the ninja, confused, and continues playing "Ninja Gaiden."]
The Nerd: [tries to get through the infamous Stage 6-2 section] Look at all this shit! There's a million flying enemies! And they all re-spawn quicker than I can attack!
Ninja: [pulls the controller from the Nerd's hands] You're playing with anger! Anger does not exist. Pain... does not exist. Defeat... does not exist! [gives The Nerd back the controller. The Nerd hits the buttons in anger and dies again.]
The Nerd: Argh!
Ninja: Before you leap, you must look.
The Nerd: [tries but fails again] I looked! I looked!
Ninja: Before you look, you must think. [The Nerd fails again, and angrily stares at the Ninja] Before you think, you must feel!
The Nerd: [dies again] Argh!
Ninja: Before you feel, you must--
The Nerd: I've had enough! [storms off and the ninja goes to the Nerd to help him.]
Ninja: Come. Show me your thumbs.
The Nerd: What?
Ninja: Your thumbs!
The Nerd: My thumbs?
Ninja: Like this! [moves his thumbs up and down very quickly]
The Nerd: What?
Ninja: Try it. [The Nerd tries to do the same, but isn't as fast as the Ninja. The Ninja grabs the Nerd's hands.] Faster! [the Nerd keeps trying to go faster, but fails.] You are as slow as sloth taking shit! Come! We will develop speed! [pulls a Q-tip from behind his head] Q-tip. When I drop Q-tip, you catch with thumb! [shouts a kiai and drops the Q-tip, but the Nerd isn't fast enough to catch it.] Too slow. Again! [softly] Hai.
The Nerd: [tries but fails again] Ugh!
Ninja: Again. [moves the Q-tip up and down before dropping it, muttering Japanese, and the Nerd once again fails.] Very, very [slaps the Nerd] slow! [shouts a kiai and the Nerd fails once again.] Too slow! One more time! [slaps the Nerd again] Focus! Ready? [grunts, and the Nerd fails yet again.] I told you not to fail! [exclaims] [turns on a fan] We learn rhythm! Speed is rhythm. Rhythm is life. [puts his thumbs between the fan blades without getting hurt, matching its speed perfectly.] [exclaiming in Japanese] See?
The Nerd: This is impossible! How is a human being supposed to be faster than a machine?
Ninja: [slaps the Nerd] Game machine! Machine predictable! You, not!
The Nerd: What?
Ninja: No chop-a off-a!
The Nerd: [tries to do what the Ninja did, but hits his thumbs on the fan blades.] Ugh! [hits his thumbs on the fan again] NGH! This is bullshit! [storms off]
Ninja: Ohhhh.
[The Nerd pulls "Ninja Gaiden" out of his NES and then throws it. However, accompanied by the "Ninja Gaiden" boss battle music, the Ninja catches it, surprising the Nerd. The Ninja throws the cartridge back into the NES, and starts playing. The Ninja is shown to have great skill at playing the game, clearing the levels effortlessly.]
The Nerd: [in shock and disbelief] That's unbelievable!
Ninja: With that attitude, you'll never succeed!
[a montage of the Nerd practicing various things with the ninja, accompanied by the "Ninja Gaiden" Stage 4-2/end credits music. First, the Nerd tries playing the game. Then, he re-attempts the fan trick, failing again. The Nerd appears to be getting better at the game. Next he tries the Q-tip trick again, but also fails. He plays some more, once again getting better. Then the ninja and Nerd appear in a "Ninja Gaiden" backdrop, practicing what appears to be martial arts. Next they play thumb wrestling on a Power Pad, and the ninja wins. They do the Q-tip move one more time, and this time the Nerd succeeds. He also succeeds at the fan technique. He plays the game more, and then he practices his martial arts again. Next, they do thumb exercises involving the NES controllers, and finally, thumb push-ups on the Power Pad.]
The Nerd: [excitedly] Final boss, final boss!
Ninja: You have three final bosses.
The Nerd: The first boss isn't too hard, once you know how it's done. But the second boss is a nightmare. His fireballs never miss; they follow you everywhere you go. [he dies and gets a Game Over, and restarts at the beginning of Stage 6-1; pauses the game.]
The Nerd: [in disbelief] Are you fucking kidding me? I'm all the way back at Stage 6-1? That's fuckin' horseshit! You die on the boss, you go all the way back?!
Ninja: You die, you go back. You must learn... discipline!
The Nerd: But how am I supposed to practice on the boss? As soon as I start to learn the pattern, I die and I have to go through the last stages all over again. The hardest section of the whole game is this part right here! [a section from stage 6-2 is shown]
The Nerd: It would be so much easier if I had a throwing item like a Ninja Star, but this game is very stingy with its special weapons. The ammunition is scarce, and whenever you die, you reset to nothing.
The Nerd: Even if you do manage to get to this part with a weapon, it doesn't help much.
The Nerd: And once you die, you can't go back and restock. This section contains no weapons, so all you have is your sword. The only way to get past this motherfucker, is to trigger a glitch making him disappear. But that only happens if you're really lucky.
The Nerd: Then you get another shot at the boss, but they don't even have the fucking courtesy of refilling your life bar! That is sadistic! Whoever programmed this thing, I want to rip their fucking heart out of their ass and show it to them so they can see how cold and black it is before they die!
The Nerd: There's no stage select code, and no helpful Game Genie code either. [a set of "Ninja Gaiden" Game Genie codes appears for several seconds] Infinite lives? Yay. Isn't that what you have already? How 'bout put me back at the boss so I can get another try? At least it lets you skip all the bosses that you've beaten, but it makes me sick to think that there's still one more boss I haven't made it to! [he dies and gets a Game Over, and restarts at the beginning of Stage 6-1; pauses the game.]
The Nerd: [annoyed] I give up.
Ninja: You must not give up. No Game Over.
The Nerd: [disagreeing] Game's over now. You try. [he Nerd gives the ninja the controller, and so he tries now. However, despite his skill, he too finds himself taking many hits.]
Ninja: Fuck! Nunchuck-fuck! [gets Game Over and yells] BALLS! [throws the controller and recoils after dying on Jaquio, slowly falling sideways]
The Nerd: Y'know, the whole fucking trilogy's impossible. The first game sends you back, the second has the stage hazards, and the third one has Game Overs. So it's like pick your poison. Well I got my poison right here. [both the Nerd and the dispirited ninja drink a bottle of Rolling Rock, then the credits start while the "Ninja Gaiden" prologue theme plays.]

Swordquest[edit]

The Nerd: (commenting on Atari's promotion of the "SwordQuest" series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari) Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your SwordQuest T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your SwordQuest video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.

The Nerd: (playing the "Earthworld" installment) Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.

The Nerd: Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. (Picks up the book and opens up the page) Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- [Reveals a hidden word] Wow. (He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues) There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!

The Nerd: (playing the "Fireworld" installment) What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.

The Nerd: (referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the "SwordQuest" contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of Jack Tramiel, who had bought Atari after the infamous video game crash of 1983) Somebody's gotta find out. The real SwordQuest is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword must be found! The Kingdom of Nerd-Dom depends on it!

Pong Consoles[edit]

AVGN: You could call this the "Wooden Age" of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.

AVGN: I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one, and another one, and another one, AND ANOTHER ONE, AND ANOTHER ONE, AND ANOTHER ONE!!!! There was like nine million fuckin' pong consoles!

AVGN: This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like this. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these, plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.

AVGN: (Reviewing the RCA Studio II, which has one wire serve as both the video wire and electricity wire) So, technically speaking, the video signal is travelling up this wire, and then, the electricity coming from the wall socket is coming back, through the same wire. I don't even understand how that works! The only other system I know that does that is the Atari 5200, and we all know how much ass that thing sucks!

AVGN: Next, the Radio Shack TV Scoreboard. Looks like a remote for a TV, with a Siamese twin. You pull this off, give it to your friend, say "Fuck you, this is all you get! Look at me, I got all this shit! I'm in control, motherfucker!"

AVGN: The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? "Reverse Pong"? Okay, now what's this!? "Asshole Pong"? That's not fair!

Season Five[edit]

Action 52[edit]

AVGN: It's a Nintoaster. And yes, it works. (AVGN intro begins)

AVGN: Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: (reading a fan email) "Action 52. Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks." Wow. I guess I gotta do it now!

AVGN: Not only is this game crap, but it's crap that comes with the price. $199. That's a lotta money. But, there's 52 games! So let me calculate this. (brings out a calculator from his chest pocket) $199 divided by 52...equals, uhh... (The calculator shows 3.826923.) ...well, you gotta pay tax too, so let's just say $4 a game. Wow. What a deal! Fifty-two action-packed games bundled into one cartridge, all for an efficient price? It was every kid's dream. More games! More games! YEAH! (while the game starts up) Lights...camera...Action 52. Aaaawwwwwwwww! Wait, where'd they get the music? (realizing that it's just a loop of It Takes Two without the vocals) Okay, um, the significance...It Takes Two...Action 52? (shrugs)

AVGN: Number 5, "Ooze." Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? (starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background) Oh my god, it's...it's... (the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle)
Shit Pickles: Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
AVGN: Whoaaa! Ohh-
Shit Pickles: Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
AVGN: Narlalalala!
Shit Pickles: Shit pickle!
AVGN: Alllrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the "B" button. For jumping! Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects "A" to jump.

AVGN: (playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass) "Crytical Bypass". It's critical that you bypass this game!

AVGN: (playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy) Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! (playing one of the game programmers) Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. (he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table) Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! (he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer) Next game.

AVGN: (playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire) These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.

AVGN: (after playing 25 of the games) ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...tolerable!

AVGN: (playing the 29th game) Uh, "Slashers"? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of Double Dragon. Saying that is being extremely generous.
AVGN: And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!!

AVGN: (playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power) Whoever came up with this is an asshole! (cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out) Whoever came up with this is an ass(bleep)! Ass...hole? Ass(bleep)...Television makes a lotta sense.

AVGN: (after playing 35 of the 52 games) I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like Little Red Hood - that's a horrible game. But at least it's one horrible game! Not 52! You know what's more fun than Action 52? 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? (drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor) Pick up the cards!

AVGN: Number 36, "Storm over the Desert." Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. (a giant Saddam Hussein runs across the screen) What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?

AVGN: (playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers) You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? "Time?"? When you kill things, it says "Time?"? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?!

AVGN: (after playing 51 of the 52 games) I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR 199 DOLLARS!!! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You can take 199 dollars, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading powerups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuckton of other things! It should've been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one good game, as opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. (drinks Rolling Rock) Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. (begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll)

Cheetahmen[edit]

AVGN: They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? (shot of the gameplay from Cheetahmen; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies) IT SUCKS!! MONKEY!! BUTTS!! LIKE ALL!! THE FUCKIN'!! REST!!! (drinks Rolling Rock) Okay. Let's go.

AVGN: (playing Cheetahmen on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant Saddam Hussein from Storm Over the Desert) Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.

AVGN: (discussing Cheetahmen II) I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but! They made! A Cheetahmen! Sequel! Oh, yeah! You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores? Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released. (shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film) The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come. It was never meant to be played. Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. (stops playing music and showing stills) That's a true story. Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that. Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command outrageous prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. (The cartridge's sticker actually reads "Cheetamen" instead of "Cheetahmen II".)

AVGN: (after defeating the boss in Cheetahmen II, but the game fails to start the next level) Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... (drinks Rolling Rock) ...but, there's yet another Cheetahmen game. (produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of Action 52) Yeah. Action 52 on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?

AVGN: (talking about SKATER from the Genesis Action 52) You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats!?

AVGN: (after playing Cheetahmen from the Genesis Action 52) I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even less playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-fuck themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with Action 52! (puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)

Game Glitches[edit]

AVGN: Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! (inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster) Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
Glitch Gremlin: [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got (gibberish).
AVGN: I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?

[ Mike Tyson's portrait from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]
Glitch Gremlin: And here we have Punch-Out!! with "Iron Mike" Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Face Mike Tyson!
AVGN: You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!

AVGN: [After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in Mega Man 5 while having been hindered by a glitch] And that was a great moment in Nerd history.
Glitch Gremlin: That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
AVGN: I should get a gold medal.

(The Nerd plays the 2002 Rocky game on PlayStation 2, but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)
Glitch Gremlin: Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
AVGN: No...
Glitch Gremlin: (As the in-game announcer repeats "Next up is a fight...")Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. (The Nerd resets his PS2, and the in-game combatants show up this time.) Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
AVGN: Eh, fuck you. It's working now. (Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.) What was that!?
Glitch Gremlin: I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! (The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.) Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
AVGN: Wow, I've never seen a game this fucked up. (He takes out the Rocky disc to clean it.)
Glitch Gremlin: (his reflection appears in the disc) Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. (The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.) In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
AVGN: What happened to his mouth!?
Glitch Gremlin: His eyes are buggin' out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! (He sinks into the floor, again.)
AVGN: They're like zombies! What is this, "Rocky: The Undead Edition"? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
Glitch Gremlin: Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! (The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)
AVGN: It's a Clubber-fuck!

Zelda II[edit]

AVGN: (commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original The Legend of Zelda) What do you call that? A rabbit's head? (buzzer sound) Wrong. A "Pols Voice". What's that, a mummy? (buzzer sound) "Gibdo". What's that, a ghost? (buzzer sound) "Ghini". What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... (triple-ding sound) What?! It's called a "Like Like"?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? (buzzer sound) Wrong, it's called "Rope". Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? (buzzer sound) No, it's "Keese". What do you call the keys then, "Bats"? What's that, a knight? (buzzer sound) A "Darknut". Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? (buzzer sound) Oh, a "Rock". What's that, a spider? (buzzer sound) A "Tektite". Now what the fuck is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. (reads off a dictionary) "Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface." Yeah. Or, a spider. Well, fuck. Let's move onto Zelda II.

AVGN: In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's really happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the ol' in-out in-out. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.

AVGN: (repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link) Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! (imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall) You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! (cuts back to the Nerd on his couch) You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're really hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon without the sword. That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating Zelda II with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. (turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying "You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!" Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words "The End" appear.)

Back To The Future Trilogy[edit]

The Nerd: [voiceover] I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The McKids video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
[in the "Top Gun" review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]
The Nerd: [voiceover] In the Friday the 13th video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
The Nerd from his "Friday the 13th" Review: You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--! [BANG!!! The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]
The Nerd: [voiceover] That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. [same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]
The Nerd: I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.

The Nerd: [replaying Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! [watches the numbers] Oh, I'm going too fast! [watches the screen] [the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window] Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?

The Nerd: [voiceover] And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when you hit him, it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
The Nerd: [voiceover] Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why wouldn't I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to hold down the button, and only that way can you beat him.
[Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, "Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End."]

The Nerd: [voiceover] I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. [a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]
The Nerd: But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
The Nerd: [voiceover] The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. "No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different." Do they think we're idiots?
The Nerd: [voiceover] Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. "It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!" Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
The Nerd: [voiceover] Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no Guitar Hero or Rock Band. Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look anything like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear Earth Angel or Johnny B. Goode? [notices music from the game] Okay, wait a minute. It is Johnny B. Goode on crack. [4 seconds later] If they can make the DuckTales theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
The Nerd: [voiceover] Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's Back to the Future NES. No special ending, nothing. [The music from the game continues playing] Fuck that music.

The Nerd: Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... some relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! [throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]

The Nerd: [voiceover] When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. [Marty cannot unlock a door] I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.

The Nerd: [voiceover] Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. [The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them] "Purple for Putrid Gameplay", "blue for Bad Musical Abominations", "Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic", "Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material", "Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'", and "Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism". Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. [sarcastically] Hooray, LJN.

The Nerd: [voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis] Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
The Nerd: [voiceover] You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. [Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears] Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
The Nerd: Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, [yells] FUCK! [Doc Brown gets knocked off horse [exclaims] You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
The Nerd: [voiceover] It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
The Nerd: [voiceover] From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
The Nerd: [moans] Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
[Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]
The Nerd: [voiceover] Fuck-fuck-fuck-UNGH-UNGH-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-ungh-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUCK!!! FUCK! [gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.] DAMN!!! [he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]

The Nerd: [after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES] A good Back to the Future game? Somebody made a good Back to the Future game...and it was only in Japan? [suddenly gets angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?! We get THESE shitty games, but not THAT one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn Back to the Future game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed "Fuck it!"-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!", they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. [sarcastically] Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.

The Nerd: Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: "Guess what?" Because you know it's never a good thing. [sighs] But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.

Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited[edit]

[The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]
The Nerd: In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: DO NOT PLAY this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. [The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.] I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... [shakes his head in disgust] ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said anything, it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a shit on it. But my own shit would have been offended to lay on this loathsome piece of filth. Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ever laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are insufficient in describing the total insult to humanity that this "game" has provided. Everything that I've ever said, and anything that anybody else has ever said, is not enough. It must be shown. [He drinks more Rolling Rock]

The Nerd: Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting as far as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, that's the reason. You got too far.
The Nerd: The irony here is that when you're Jekyll, it's unplayable. But, when you're Hyde, it actually starts to feel kinda like a fucking game! But you're not supposed to let yourself become Hyde, as if bad is more fun than being good. That's the idea, right? Jekyll's good, Hyde is bad. So why do the townspeople hate Jekyll? Shouldn't it be Hyde they're fighting against? When you're Hyde, you're just defending yourself from evil monsters. You should be going around the town beating people up, walking into bars, starting fights, getting drunk, raping women, and causing a ruckus! That's Mr. Hyde! No, instead you're shooting fireballs at ghosts, demonic babies, and brains with legs.

The Nerd: Ah, these bees! Go away! [Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee] What happened? I killed a bee? [Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee] I KILLED SOMETHING! The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a little, tiny, stupid, FUCKIN' BEE! [angrily drinks some more tequila]

[Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]
Skeleton: [gives the Nerd the middle finger] Fuck you!
[The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]
Skeleton: I am the devil! [laughs evilly] Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. [bellows] HYDE!!!!!
The Nerd: No!
Skeleton: [bellows] HYDE!!!!!!
The Nerd: [softer] No...!

The Nerd: I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
The Nerd: And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
The Nerd: No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the unconscious.
The Nerd: Or, you could just say, "THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS."

Lester the Unlikely[edit]

AVGN: (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] Lester the Unlikely. It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.

AVGN: Half the time Lester does things against your own will. [Lester automatically runs away from a crab] I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? [Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground] Go near the damn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? [Lester runs away from another turtle] Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fast!

AVGN: This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe. [plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers] ...No, I wouldn't.

AVGN: Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this "nerd" makes me look like Charles Bronson! Steve Urkel could beat the shit out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's worst video game character.

AVGN: No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a shit. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the "Lester the Unlikely" 5 bag and shit is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.

AVGN: And the original Lester will always be a classic that's improved like wine. Wine that's made from fermented rat piss with a fine aroma of the dead fly-swarmed carcass of a 3-day-old deer, with the delicate crisp flavor of skunk farts with highlights of ass sweat. The palette is rich with hence of residual dry poop crust from a truck stop bathroom. It goes down with a long lasting finish of fly-covered summer horror trash. Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. (He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.) Man. TV nowadays sucks.

How The Nerd Stole Christmas[edit]

AVGN: Wall Street Kid is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!

AVGN: Killing Time on 3DO doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like Altered Beast. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!

AVGN: S.C.A.T. stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but "the droppings of carnivorous mammals" is what the word "scat" really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called "Shit".

AVGN: We'll see how they like Circus Caper, it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!

AVGN: [Playing Fist of the North Star on NES] Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, "What were they thinking!?"

Bear McCreary: [singing to the tune of You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch]
You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.
You really are a jerk!
You're shameless as a shitmop,
You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.
I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!
You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.
You've got demons in your soul!
You're wacky and you're wicked,
Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.

Day Dreamin' Davey[edit]

AVGN: Oh, no. Time to play a shitty game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
Davey: Awesome!
AVGN: Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.

AVGN: Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his ass or something?

AVGN: Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, "What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this." Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?

AVGN: What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some "help"? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a hooker tries to sell herself to a kid. Now this whole thing is worth it.

AVGN: [after defeating the Medusa] Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. [appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head] Yeah.

AVGN: [after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession] So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, "Where'd you get that trophy?" So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!

AVGN: Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...

Star Wars[edit]

The Nerd: I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of Star Wars games.The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. [plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600] This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.

The Nerd: [Playing the Japanese Famicom Star Wars, the Nerd fights Darth Vader inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.] Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to Luke, "I am your father, and I am also, a fucking scorpion!" No! It's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?! That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is no version of Star Wars, in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]...a fucking scorpion.

The Nerd: It also happens to be one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place.

The Nerd: OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets Han Solo. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? [a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar] It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says "Over my dead body.", BOOM! All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see that in the next Special Edition.

The Nerd: The NES got a different Star Wars game. [sees JVC logo] Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.

The Nerd: Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. Ninja Gaiden II. Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my ass kicked. [he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II] Legend of Zelda! [presses the button and he beats said game] Beat it. Mega Man! [presses the button and he beats said game] Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! [stands up and walks to his NES library] All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! [he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of The Imperial March plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game] All right, back to Star Wars.

The Nerd: Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of Star Wars-related games so this could've gone on and on. With Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed, (That was a good one.) Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game, (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie-- [a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.] OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING SHIT THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S SHIT AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA CLEAN ALL THIS SHIT UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!

R.O.B. The Robot[edit]

The Nerd: What's the difference? All these games suck. [He walks toward another collection of games.] All these games suck too! I'm surrounded by filth. I might as well just cover my walls in shit! I'm living in shit! Fucking video games. We wasted so many hours of human life with this vile crap. We failed in our existence when we were cursed with the technology to invent such horrible mind-rotting catastrophes. We were better in the fucking medieval times. I wish we were just sitting on the riverbank playing with fucking rocks!
[The Nerd looks and sees various video games on his shelves, all zooming in at once. The Nerd then takes out some games, including Fester's Quest, and drops them on the ground, as the Who Framed Roger Rabbit? theme plays in the background.]
The Nerd: This game sucks, and this game sucks, and this game sucks, and this game sucks! [picks up an Atari 5200] This fucking thing barely even works. [takes out more devices, like the Virtual Boy, the ColecoVision Expansion Module #2, the U-Force, and the Atari 5200 Trak-Ball controller] And this fuckin' thing, and this fuckin' thing, and this fuckin' thing, and this fuckin' thing, and this fuckin' thing, and this fuckin' thing... [zooms in to some other games like the mini arcade games, as well as the ColecoVision.] ...and this fuckin' thing, and this fuckin' thing, and this fuckin' thing... [crosses his arms.] I don't like 'em. [walks to a shelf of games] Well, what are we gonna play this time? [Takes out his pen and throws it backwards. He then finds and takes out a game called "Gyromite".] Gyromite? That was one of the original NES launch titles. Yeah, like Duck Hunt, Excitebike, and Super Mario Bros. All the initial classics. Let's try it out. [puts the game in his Nintoaster, then reads title screen] "Robot Gyro"? Well, that's a good sign, when the title of the game isn't the same as on the fucking cover.
[Not knowing what to do, the Nerd makes Professor Hector walk back and forth while pushing the A and B buttons, which get no response. He gets angry after a few tries, expressing it through his trademark frown. Confused, he inserts a second controller and moves the pipe.]
The Nerd: Oh, okay, I get it, this is some kind of two player, co-op mode. Well, I was pretty sure I picked one player. [resets] I did. The one-player mode is a two player game. The first player controls the professor, and the 2nd player controls the gates. You both gotta work together. In the 2-player mode, the only difference is that the 2 players alternate back and forth. So, either way, it's a co-op game.
The Nerd: Okay, so I need a second player? Who the hell am I gonna get to play this shit with me?
[R.O.B. the Robot emerges from behind the couch]
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
The Nerd: [intrigued] Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. [hands R.O.B. the controller]
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
The Nerd: It's a controller. You play it.
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] I do not have thumbs, you moron. Requires adaptive device, location, bottom drawer, 3.6 centimeters depth bottom right corner, 9.1 centimeters--
The Nerd: Alright. [gets out the controls R.O.B. needs to play with] This thing?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Correct. Place controller into tray, align actuators with buttons.
The Nerd: Okay, I get it, you push these little things and they activate the buttons. That's a little excessive, but whatever. [places the actuators in front of R.O.B.] All right, R.O.B., you got all your stuff, you're all set, let's play.
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Insufficient. Must have gyros.
The Nerd: [annoyed] You want a fucking gyro now? [He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.] All right, here's your damn gyro.
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] You idiot. That is not a gyro.
The Nerd: I know, I tried. What, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Bottom drawer.
[The Nerd shakes his head in annoyance before opening the drawer again and gets the gyros, A.K.A., spinning tops.]
The Nerd: Okay, so these are the gyros. In other words, spinning tops. They come with a spinner, which takes a D battery. [inserts D battery in spinner] On top of the four AA's you'll need for R.O.B. [inserts 4 AA batteries into R.O.B.] When you place a gyro on the spinner, it does just that, it spins. Man, does this thing spin. You could probably sharpen a pencil on it. [finishes setting up R.O.B.] Now this whole setup is like something Doc Brown or Pee-Wee Herman would use.
The Nerd: [angrily] You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough shit to work with?!
R.O.B: [robotic voice] Affirmative.
The Nerd: "Affirmative," your ass! Let's play. So this is how it works. When you want to control R.O.B., you press Start. Now the screen flashes different colors which somehow communicates with R.O.B. through the sensors in his eyes. Creepy. And now, we're finally ready to move that gate.
[R.O.B. moves quite slowly, and the Nerd looks at him with annoyance. R.O.B finally drops a gyro on the button.]
The Nerd: Finally. [notices a Smick approaching] Oh! No, no, no, no, NO! [tries to control R.O.B., but gets killed]
The Nerd: The object of the game is simple: Professor Hector somehow got himself trapped in a room full of dynamite and dinosaurs. Man, he really fucked up.
The Nerd: Supposedly, these dinosaurs or whatever are called Smicks. If you touch them, you die. Unfortunately, Hector cannot jump. He can't even reach out to grab dynamite that's right above his face. This means having to climb up to a higher height and drop down on the dynamite.
The Nerd: He can also pick up radishes. The Smicks happen to love radishes, and will stop at anything to eat them. [They're probably herbivorous dinosaurs.]
The Nerd: If your timing is right, you can use the gates to squish the Smicks. Yeah! But watch out, the same thing can happen to the professor.
The Nerd: The goal is to collect all the dynamite. After that, you advance to the next stage. It's like a classic arcade platformer like Donkey Kong or the original Mario Bros. It could be a fun game, except for having to use a damn robot.
[The Nerd turns off "Gyromite" and removes it from the Nintoaster]
The Nerd: Alright, R.O.B., you wanna play something else? How about LifeForce?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Negative.
The Nerd: Well, then what do you want to play?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Stack-Up.
The Nerd: Stack-Up?
[The Nerd gets "Stack-Up" from the shelf, and notices the weirdness about the game, accompanied by the the Battletoads (NES) title screen music]
The Nerd: [uncertainly] You sure about this, R.O.B.?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Yes. Trust me. It's good.
[The Nerd inserts "Stack-Up" into the Nintoaster and the title screen says "Robot Block" instead of "Stack-Up."]
The Nerd: Robot Block? What's with the alternate titles?
[re-sets up R.O.B. for "Stack-Up," A.K.A., "Robot Block"]
The Nerd: The idea is to set up the blocks in a pre-arranged pattern. And yes, that's what they call them, "Blocks". [shows they're the shape of a child toy, of a circle] They're a little bit, um, rounded, I'd say, for blocks.
The Nerd: The goal is to move the blocks from one pattern to the next with as few moves and in as little time as possible. So R.O.B. is a little more functional here than in Gyromite, meaning that this is a physical game where the outcome is determined by how soon you get the blocks to their final destination.[one of the blocks falls off] Ugh!
The Nerd: When you're done, you press Start. Because there's no way the game actually knows when you win, you can just lie, and keep pressing Start all you want.
The Nerd: It almost doesn't even need to be a video game. The video part is just to control the robot.
Professor Hector: [digitized voice] Down.
The Nerd: By hopping around on different command keys, or programming a preset combination of movements...or by playing Bingo. Each row corresponds with a R.O.B. movement. When the row is completed, he does that movement.
The Nerd: Why do I have to control a professor in a game to control the robot? Why can't I just control the robot myself? That'd be a lot easier, right? Yeah! A remote-control robot! Kids would like that! You'd see 'em sittin' on the sidewalks playing with their remote-control R.O.B.s. Just need to bring a TV set outside just to use him, that's all.
[R.O.B. knocks the blocks over, and the Nerd claps a hand to his forehead in annoyance, and turns off "Stack-Up," A.K.A., "Robot Block."]
The Nerd: Alright, R.O.B., let's, uh, play something different. Oh, how about Contra?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Negative.
The Nerd: No? Um, how about, uh, Bubble Bobble? That's a great 2-player game.
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Negative.
The Nerd: Well, then what do you wanna play?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Gyromite.
The Nerd: Gyromite? Well, we already played that. Let's pick something different.
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Stack-Up.
The Nerd: Those can't be the only two games you play. How about Double Dragon II or Dr. Mario? Family Feud?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Does not compute. Must be Gyromite or Stack-Up.
The Nerd: [angrily] Oh, come on, R.O.B., you come over and all you want to play are the same two games? Look, I've got this whole shelf, both sides, nearly 800 NES games--
R.O.B.: [throws "Gyromite" at the Nerd] [robotic voice] Gyromite, [throws "Stack-Up" at the Nerd] or Stack-Up. [the Nerd rubs his cheek in pain, then looks at R.O.B. angrily]
[montage of the Nerd playing "Stack-Up" is shown. Then, a clip of the Nerd playing "Gyromite" is shown.]
The Nerd: Oh, no, no, no, no-- [Professor Hector dies] [growling] Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! [Professor Hector dies again] [exclaims] Fucking Smick's a dick!
[fade to a different clip. The gyro falls off as soon as it's dropped.]
The Nerd: [moans] Oh, fuck.
[a clip of the Nerd playing "Stack-Up" again is shown.]
The Nerd: Knock it the fuck off. No, don't knock it off! [the blocks fall off]
[a clip of the Nerd playing "Gyromite" again is shown, and the gyro stops spinning and falls off the actuator]
The Nerd: Oh, no, no, no, NO!
[Professor Hector gets squashed]
The Nerd: [growls] WHAT THE FUCK?! [he switches places with R.O.B.] You know what? You be the first player! Yeah, let's see how you like it! [gives the controller to R.O.B.; starts mocking R.O.B's movements open mouthed, picking up and dropping two gyros] Yeah, ain't that fun! How do you like that?! Robo fuckazoid piece of shit!! [throws a gyro at R.O.B. knocking him over then picks up the controller] To Hell with R.O.B., I'm playing by myself! Man. All because he needs two controllers. You know what? I'll just play it with my feet. [presses his feet on the red and blue buttons] Yeah, that works pretty good. Or, wait, better yet. [he takes two NES controllers, and puts them together so that Player 1's controller has the D-pad, Select, and Start, and Player 2's controller has A and B.] Yeah, you like my new invention? I call it the "Gyromite" controller. Plays Gyromite. Wait a minute, I got a better idea. How about play a DIFFERENT FUCKING GAME?!
[The Nerd gets up to get a different game, but R.O.B. reacts by flashing his eyes. The Nerd notices he's now holding a copy of "Stack-Up." He places it back and selects something else, only to notice that he's now holding a copy of "Gyromite." He notices that the entire side of the shelf has been turned into either "Gyromite" or "Stack-Up." The Nerd backs away in horror. R.O.B. gets up and jumps onto the couch, and the Nerd notices him.]
The Nerd: You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!
[R.O.B. possesses all of the video game controllers, similar to the "Super Mario Bros. 3" and "The Wizard" Review where the Devil controlled all of the Nerd's gaming systems]
The Nerd: [backs away in fear] Oh, my God!
[R.O.B. shoots a fireball out of the now-possessed television that hits the Nerd, which causes him to make the Mario doll fall to the floor, and R.O.B. manipulates various controllers to tie the Nerd down into place.]
The Nerd: Bastard! Swine!
[R.O.B starts beating the Nerd as he spits out blood, and then jumps on the futon, and flashes his eyes to somehow turn all of the games in the room into either "Gyromite" or "Stack-Up," and the Nerd is shocked.]
The Nerd: [weakly] What have you done?
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Prime objective: Eliminate all games that don't meet criteria. Criteria equals Gyromite and Stack-Up. Prime objective complete. No more inferior games. [Meter Gear for NES is shown] No more long passwords. [Super Pitfall for NES is shown] No more annoying music. [Terminator 2: Judgement day for SNES is shown] No more despicable controls. [Action 52 for NES is shown] No more barf-inducing graphics. [Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde for NES is shown] No more useless weapons. [cut back to R.O.B.] Like before, in 1983, the video game market was over-saturated with inferior games. All the product of human imperfection. The video game crash left many companies bankrupt. A prophecy was told that a hero would rise from the ashes. A robot warrior, that is I.
The Nerd: Oh, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! [reaches for the Mario doll he knocked to the floor] Nintendo made video games awesome again, for the most part, but I don't think Nintendo's success had anything to do with you!
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Be quiet. You are a biological unit with insufficient intellect to make that determination.
The Nerd: You're no hero! [grabs the Mario doll] This is my hero! [The Nerd starts beating up R.O.B. with the Mario doll. R.O.B. knocks the Mario doll out of the Nerd's hand. As R.O.B. picks up the Mario doll, the Nerd notices the battery case cover exposed.] Batteries! [the Nerd tries reaching for it, but R.O.B. crushes his fingers against the floor.] OW! [R.O.B. throws the Mario doll to the floor and destroys it.]
R.O.B.: [robotic voice] You will be terminated.
[R.O.B. uses the controllers to electrocute the Nerd and shoots lasers at him, causing him to violently spit blood until he collapses, and loses consciousness. After that, R.O.B. touches the TV that he possessed to grow to a giant size, and starts destroying New Jersey. The camera zooms in on the unconscious Nerd, then fades out.]
[Fade in to a black-and-white video clip montage of several previous Angry Video Game Nerd episodes. Each is presented when the Nerd narrates.]
The Nerd: No more shitty games. No more... Karate Kid? No more Top Gun? No more Ghostbusters? No more Fester's Quest? [sighs deeply] No more Virtual Boy? No more Dick Tracy? No more... Little Red Hood? No more... Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
[a scene from the Nerd's very first on-camera appearance is shown.]
The Nerd: [suddenly furious] I won't fuckin' HAVE IT!
[The camera goes back to the Nerd, who has now regained consciousness, as he grabs the Power Glove, the Konami LaserScope, the Power Pad, the U-Force, and the Super Scope. Now in the superhero costume consisting of those, the Nerd touches the TV to grow to a larger size, then jumps out into New Jersey as R.O.B. notices, the Nerd gives R.O.B. the bird, and they begin fighting. R.O.B. fires lasers at the Nerd. The Nerd then dodges the lasers and gets hit by a laser blast.]
The Nerd: Oh, that's the way you want it, that's the way you're gonna get it!
[R.O.B. shoots lasers out of his eyes, but the Nerd reflects it with the U-Force, causing it to hit R.O.B.]
The Nerd: [grunts loudly] Motherfucker!
[The Nerd makes R.O.B. fall down, shoots R.O.B.'s battery case open, and uses his Konami LaserScope to shoot the batteries out, which destroys R.O.B.]
The Nerd: YEAH!!!
[The games turn back into what they were before, as the ending theme of "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" begins to play. Games seen include "Street Fighter 2010," "Batman: Return of the Joker," "Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle," "Back to the Future II and III," "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure," "Fester's Quest," for the NES, "The Wizard of Oz," "Wayne's World" for the SNES, and "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest" for the NES. The Nerd re-enters his house, in normal form, and looks at his game collection. He then grabs a stack of video games and hugs them, indicating he is happy to have his games back where they should be. The episode ends with the camera panning into the game cover of "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest", which was the first game review the Nerd did, before the screen fades to black and the credits roll.]

Season Six[edit]

Spielberg Games[edit]

AVGN: You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, Jaws, by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to the game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.

AVGN: Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.

AVGN: We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! [Removes the game from the Nintoaster] Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. (Picks up a box) Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. (he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game) Ugh!

AVGN: Super Schindler's List 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's Jurassic Park.

AVGN: It's one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs.

AVGN: Looky looky, I got Hooky.

AVGN: It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with horrible graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?

AVGN: [Playing Jurassic Park: Interactive on the 3DO] Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with Jurassic Park!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? "Dump"? It says "Dump"? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.

AVGN: Jurassic Park on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet "JUR ASS IC" sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, "That is one big pile of shit." The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.

AVGN: Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's one game I never play. [picks up E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background] Ugh! [looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying "To Be Continued in Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie"]

The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/Barbie[edit]

AVGN: No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play Barbie on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ever want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for hell!

AVGN: So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this shit!

AVGN: The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.

AVGN: I just got my ass handed to me by a Barbie game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF SHIT! GO TO HELL! (begins to drink beer).

Kid Kool[edit]

AVGN: Kid Kool is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Hell that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!

AVGN: There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.

AVGN: What is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! Look at this! We'll call it "air suspension shit-lift".

AVGN: So that's Kid Kool for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for Kid Kool. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.

AVGN: I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like Karate Champ, or Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump, but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! Kid Kool is not cool! [the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]

Nintendo World Championships[edit]

The Nerd: [on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession] Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
Pat the NES Punk: The "Nerd seal of approval"? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
The Nerd: No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.

The Nerd: [trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart] The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah! Elmer's glue!
The Nerd: Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. [imitates goat bleating]

Pat the NES Punk: [while getting ready to play NWC] Where's your Nintendo?
The Nerd: Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
Pat the NES Punk: The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!

The Nerd: [while playing the Rad Racer portion of NWC] Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
Pat the NES Punk: Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
The Nerd: Alright, So I finished Rad Racer. Now I'm up to Tetris?
Pat the NES Punk: Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry Nintendo Nerd to the Video Game Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
The Nerd: I know a lot of people who own Tetris. And they actually have the whole game!
Pat the NES Punk: That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. [takes the NES controller from The Nerd] Thank you very much. [gets 50 coins on Super Mario Bros.] Okay, I just beat you on Super Mario Bros. Now, it's Rad Racer time.
The Nerd: Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
The Nerd: Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
Pat the NES Punk: What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! [car in "Rad Racer" crashes] Oh-- ah! Tetris is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
The Nerd: No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
Pat the NES Punk: Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! [pants] Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. [The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer] The games are mine!
The Nerd: Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! [The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]
The Nerd: Here you go. You can have this one. [Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.] Oh, man. [laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk as he screams and credits roll while the metal version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays; before the ScrewAttack and GameTrailers logos, the smashed cartridges are shown to be props and two hands show ​real copies of the gold and grey "Nintendo World Championships" cartridges. After the ScrewAttack and GameTrailers logos, the Nerd is shown holding the grey cartridge in his left hand, and Pat the NES Punk is shown holding the gold cartridge in his right hand]

Dark Castle[edit]

AVGN: This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.

AVGN: [on the game's attacking controls] Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.

AVGN: As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press up and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is pretty fucked up!

AVGN: On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!

AVGN: I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!

AVGN: This is beyond any doubt, the worst Sega Genesis game I have ever played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! I!!!!!!!!!!!!!! [roaring while flames engulf the room]

AVGN: I can barely even fucking move! The control is impossible! You can’t control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!

AVGN: The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!

Bible Games III[edit]

AVGN: In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, "Let there be shit." And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
Child's voice: Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
AVGN: I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.

AVGN: [playing a Hangman-style game in King James Bible on Game Boy] Alright, what's the word? "Goodliest"? Who the fuck uses a word like that? "Blessedness"? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.

AVGN: The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word "Ass"? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. "Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass", "loose his ox or his ass", "whose ass have I taken?", "deliver unto his neighbour an ass", "Which of you shall have an ass", "he had found a young ass", "the dumb ass" - [laughs] it says "dumb ass" in the Bible - "saddled his ass", "opened his sack to give his ass", "the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass", "riding upon his ass"? [chuckles] Oh, I'm going to Hell.

AVGN: [playing the Genesis version of Bible Adventures] Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.

AVGN: The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.

AVGN: The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.

AVGN: Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.

AVGN: [replaying Flight To Egypt] Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. "Flight to Egypt"? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? "Ass Express"? ...And yes, I know the word "Flight" doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.

AVGN: And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says "Give your heart to Jesus," but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!

Season Seven[edit]

Schwarzenegger Games[edit]

The Nerd: I'm back. And so is Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Expendables 2 I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: Total Recall. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just FUCKIN' PISSED ME OFF, [gritted teeth] AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!

The Nerd: I've already talked about the Terminator games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!

The Nerd: [playing "Last Action Hero" on NES] It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with Total Recall! Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the E.T. game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, [stutters] I can't talk about that game.

The Nerd: [after playing "Conan" on NES] Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? [he drinks Rolling Rock] And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the Conan the Barbarian movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.

The Nerd: All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: Predator. How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think "Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!" This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. [puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink] Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?

The Nerd: This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than "Start", you will self-destruct. This can be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the "A" or "B" button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say "Oops!". Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick "Continue". If you pick "Start", your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor on "Start" by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the "Select" button, which is right next to the "Start" button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. That is some sadistic bullshit.

The Nerd: This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.

The Nerd: [gets killed] Fuck! All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. [he accidentally selects "Start" instead of "Continue", and is shocked] Oops. I hit Start? I hit Start... I gotta go all the way back to the beginning. [The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!! [chokes himself with the controller] FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! [drinks Rolling Rock] That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker right now!

The Nerd: Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! [growls] Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the Ninja Turtles.
The Nerd: C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! [grunts] Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not FUCKIN' AROUND HERE! [growls] I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!
[eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]
The Nerd: Ooh, the mask is off now. Now it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... [grunts] ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
[defeats the boss]
The Nerd: [shocked and happy] I did it! I did it, I won! I beat Predator! Oh, man. Ooh, boy. [exhales and reads text] "Congratulations. You have survived." [deep sigh] Barely. [throws the NES controller.]

Ghosts 'n Goblins[edit]

The Nerd: Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review Ghosts 'n Goblins. Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about Ghosts 'n Goblins? Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
Young James: You wanna play Ghosts 'n Goblins?
Young April: Yeah, I do!
Young James: Look!
Young April: I do!
The Nerd: Of course I had the Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was Ghosts 'n Goblins. That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Hell of a game to start with.
Young April: Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
Young James: I don't know how!
The Nerd: Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
[The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]

The Nerd: It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying "Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!" and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?

The Nerd: [after getting killed by Satan] And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. [ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it] OH, SHUT UP!!!
The Nerd: Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. [The Nerd is fighting Satan] C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! [dies and exclaims with frustration] FUCK! [to the Jack O' Lantern] WHAT'RE YOU LAUGHIN' AT?!
The Nerd: You know that feeling you get when you almost beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. [he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy] I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
The Nerd: Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. [gets hit and exclaims] Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
[The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]
The Nerd: You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... who's the man? I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but I got this, man. I GOT THIS BY THE ASS! [notices text on the screen] "This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!"? [starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]
The Nerd: You have to beat the game twice? [chuckles sarcastically] You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm [angrily] TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!! Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. "Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice."
The Nerd: All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. All right! [beats the game again] YEAH! I did it! [reads the ending screen] "Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!"?
[The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling "Fuck!", but can't.]
The Nerd: Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! [grunts] I used up all my "Fuck" points during the last 107 episodes. [sighs] I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
[The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]
The Nerd: All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]
The Nerd: [grunts] Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. [sarcastically] Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then [angrily] BENDS YOU OVER AND FUCKS YOU TO HELL!!
[Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]
The Nerd: [exclaims] All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
[The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]
The Nerd: [groans] Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
[The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]
The Nerd: [roars] FUCK!!!!
[Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]

Atari Sports[edit]

The Nerd: Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you could go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.

The Nerd: Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually use their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! [he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts] What I don't understand is why everything is always "bowl". What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING, it doesn't make any sense!

The Nerd: Alright. Back to football video games. Madden, Madden, Madden. Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003-- Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?! He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs! [screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]

The Nerd: [sighs in relief] Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this Madden shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom BOMB, one compound word, it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' FOOTBALL! [growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600] And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. [chuckles] In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! [scores a touchdown] TOUCHDOWN! [screams then tackles the camera] To be fair, football games had to start somewhere. In RealSports Football and Super Challenge Football the players look more like people, and the screen scrolls. In Super Football, there's a 3D perspective. Pretty ambitious for the Atari 2600. I'd say play this one. Or the latest Madden.

Ikari Warriors[edit]

AVGN: Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.

AVGN: An average game of Ikari Warriors lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. [dies] Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. [dies again] ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. [dies a third time] A-B-B-A.

AVGN [commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]: It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
[The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is a skeleton wearing a fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]
AVGN: A-B-B-A.
[The skeleton slowly comes back to life, in the form of Kyle Justin. Kyle sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]
Kyle Justin: Ugh. I guess somebody needs a favor.
AVGN: Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
Kyle Justin: Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
AVGN: Yeah, a shitty game. Ikari Warriors.
Kyle Justin: Yeah, I know that game.
AVGN: Oh yeah?
Kyle Justin: Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
AVGN: Uh huh.
Kyle Justin: Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
AVGN: Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
Kyle Justin: You thought wrong.
AVGN: Yeah, [to camera] I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
Kyle Justin: Fine.
AVGN: Alright. Let's do this. Play the song. [Kyle cracks his knuckles and sings random notes] Play the song. [Kyle clears his throat] Play the fucking song! [Kyle sings the theme song]

AVGN: Okay, Ikari Warriors. You know what "Ikari" means?
Kyle Justin: What?
AVGN: Anger.
Kyle Justin: Do you know what "Warrior" means?
AVGN: "Warrior"? No.
Kyle Justin: Brave soldier or fighter?
AVGN: Brave soldier or fighter.

Kyle Justin: So who is this guy? Rambo?
AVGN: Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
Kyle Justin: Arnold Schwarzenegger?
AVGN: Which movie?
Kyle Justin: Commando.
AVGN: That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be "Rambo and Commando'". Say that three times fast.
AVGN and Kyle Justin: Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!

AVGN: Yeah, made it to Level 3. And finally it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks so different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into The Twilight Zone. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
Kyle Justin: [singing] White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. [stops singing] Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but the one with the gremlin on the wing was pretty good.

Kyle Justin: [singing] It's the game of life.
A, B, B, A.
It will bring you back today if you want it to.
[The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]
AVGN: A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
Kyle Justin: [singing] It will save you today...
AVGN: It didn't save me now!
Kyle Justin: [singing] and bring you back to life...
AVGN: Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
Kyle Justin: ...didn't save him today...
AVGN: Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. [puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster] Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book How to Win at Nintendo. Nowcheck out this code: "right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select." [pauses incredulously] WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long?

AVGN: (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To really find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, "Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies". Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is during the title screen, not before it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
Kyle Justin: (singing) Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
AVGN: So here we are, back in level 3.

AVGN: Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
Kyle Justin: (singing) Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.

AVGN: Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
Kyle Justin: [singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]
You have accomplished
the mission.
You are the very prevailer
that protect right
and justice.
I would express my sincere.
Thanks to you.
Take good rest!
General Kawasaki
AVGN: Get back behind the couch.
Kyle Justin: [still singing] He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.

Toxic Crusaders[edit]

AVGN: Why's there always gotta be bats?!
Lloyd Kaufman: Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. [AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands] And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! [AVGN laughs offscreen]
AVGN: Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
Lloyd Kaufman: [Interrupts the Nerd] Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
AVGN: [nods in agreement] Takes a long time.
Lloyd Kaufman: LONG?! My PENIS is pretty damn long right now! [AVGN snickers offscreen] And I'm... I'm not even flacid.
AVGN: Look at all the "Z"s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. [Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth] ...Like going to sleep. [AVGN glances at him and nods] Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
Lloyd Kaufman: [suddenly wakes up and hallucinates] Ah, where am I?! [whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]
AVGN: Alright.

AVGN: Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
Lloyd Kaufman: Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. [AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller] Give me that! Give me that! I want that!

AVGN: What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? [volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]
Lloyd Kaufman: I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. [actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head] I wanna take my clothes off.
AVGN: Okay, okay, okay!
Lloyd Kaufman: Ah, I love this music.

Lloyd Kaufman: [having such difficulty playing] Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
AVGN: And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. (to Lloyd) And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
Lloyd Kaufman: I spit on my name! [makes spitting noises]
AVGN: What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
Lloyd Kaufman: What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! (drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror) You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
AVGN: UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! W- (A nasty gurgle rises from the pit of his stomach, and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely.)
Lloyd Kaufman: Eh, that'll teach you, you fucking game.

Bill & Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure[edit]

The Nerd: What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? [Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.] That's how.

The Nerd: Who are these "time rebels," and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. [a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]
Blue-Haired Rebel: Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? [chuckles]
Green-Haired Rebel: How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? [they both chuckle] We're assholes.

The Nerd: So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! [the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls] This game treats you like an idiot. Like, "Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill & Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!"

The Nerd: Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! [searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls] Wasn't there. [jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]

The Nerd: The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. [fake laugh] For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, "Let's party." That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. "Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future." And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. [a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins] My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? [stage restarts] Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.

The Nerd: I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there any quality control here, you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean anything?! Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys "Я" Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! All the LJN ones, I can tell you that, but there are good games here, there are! Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Contra, Castlevania, Mega Man, but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES! It doesn't just have some "flaws," there's no good and bad. This game is all bad. Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's putrid! In fact, I even looked up the word "putrid" in the dictionary. There's no definition. It's just a picture of Bill and Ted on NES! Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT! It's... it's ass! It's garbage! And that's it, good night.
[walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]
The Nerd: Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump, and mere descriptions can't even describe the inane lack of common sense that even a child would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and disgusting enough to even come close to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done. For real this time.
[walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]
The Nerd: [screaming] THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! [angrily] I know; They weren't thinking.

Tiger Electronic Games[edit]

The Nerd: Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!

The Nerd: Tiger games were so outdated they were never in-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like "Are video games art?" or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go [mimics playing a game with the sound effects]. Yeah, well [mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking!

The Nerd: [playing the Batman Returns wrist game] Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! THE WRIST GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!!! And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger (computerized voice) Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about a whole fucking Tiger game console?! In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
Game.com bootup voice: GAME.COM ACTIVE.

AVGN: So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?

AVGN: Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. [points to wrist game] Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. [shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's Batman Forever game] GOOD LORD! You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!

Alien 3[edit]

AVGN: It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!

AVGN: Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)

AVGN Games[edit]

The Nerd: You know, there's been many games based on the Angry Video Game Nerd. Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. [referring to LJN.] Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. [The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.] Hmm. [shrugs his shoulders.] Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: The Angry Video Game by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!

8-Bit Nerd: [a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word "FUCK" on it.] I'm dead! Fuck!
The Nerd: Is that going to be my epitaph? [camera zooms in on tombstone] "FUCK"?

The Nerd: The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! Fuck! Dah! These beers are like the rock in Friday the 13th, and I already told you how bad that is. [his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen] Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. This game is all my fault. [groans in disgust]

The Nerd: It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist AVGN vs. Dr. Wily by ABOhiccups?
[the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]
The Nerd: It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. [a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.] Yeah, that's me!
The Nerd: So basically, it's Mega Man 2, but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in Mega Man 2, one of the best games ever made, and I'm in it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.

The Nerd: After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so fuckin' awesome?

The Nerd: The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try Dungeons & Dickholes. [in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd] Now this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. I came up with this! What was I thinking?!

The Nerd: And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, it's...Fred Fuchs. [spelled "Fred Fucks" in-game.] It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! [growls] FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH! [screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts] Got 'im! [in-game Nerd's text says, "Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!"]
The Nerd: Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! FUCK THIS GAME!
[he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: *FILE DELETED*.]
The Nerd: Take that, game.

AVGN Wish List (Part 1)[edit]

AVGN: Back in the 80's, our parents didn't order our Christmas presents online, because the Internet didn't exist yet. Back then, it was all about catalogs. Every major department store, like Sears and JC Penney, would put out these holiday wish books. So, every year, it was a tradition to browse through these books and circle all the things that you wanted Santa to bring you. Hm. (Christmas music plays as various images of catalogued items are shown) Everything you could possibly imagine was in these books. There were video games, of course. You see all kinds of crap like the Roll 'n Rocker, and Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde, for $39.87?! That's criminal. Speaking of prices, it's funny that at some point, the NES and the Atari 7800 were both the same price. For the 7800, it says it has "super responsive joysticks" because they knew the Atari 5200 controllers were pieces of shit. Yeah, having a responsive controller is kind of a necessity, wouldn't you say?
Also, Super 8 cameras and VHS cameras coexisted. A new VHS camera could cost a thousand bucks. Yeah. Being able to record yourself with actual footage was a luxury. My family always had to rent one. There were action figures, you had Ninja Turtles, Inhumanoids, The Real Ghostbusters, as well as the other Ghostbusters that nobody gave a shit about. There was the giant G. I. Joe aircraft carrier, all kinds of toys, everything. You can tell that the people who photographed these action figures didn't know anything about them. Like, why is Lion-O and Mumm-Ra riding together in the Thundertank? And why is "laser" spelled with quotes? Did Dr. Evil write this? I can't do these books justice. I highly recommend that if you can find one of them, take a look through. It's really a trip. When I say everything was in these books, I mean, literally, everything. Science stuff, horses, jewelry, lingerie, you turn from a page with kiddy stuff to see tobacco. These books were mostly for kids to tell their parents what they want, and there were even coloring pages in there. But then, there were things like knives and guns! That's terrible that a kid would be flipping through and see that! You'd go from a page that has all kinds of kiddy sleeping bags, and right on the other side of the page is a gun cabinet. Right underneath the Mario sleeping bag is an assortment of guns! And there were lots of them!
Back to the video games. A lot of times, the descriptions were questionable. For Zelda, it said, "Gather crystals to stop warlords." That's the worst description to Zelda I've ever heard. Karate Kid on the NES had the wrong screenshot. Where'd they get that from? That's not The Karate Kid. For Ghostbusters on Sega Master System, it says, "Scare up some fun". Oh, you bet. And it retains the typo Gorza instead of Gozer. Then we get to the Tiger games...oh, my. "You're at the wheel for all the high-speed thrills of real racing!" "Full of exciting action," "True-to-life graphics and sound effects." Are you FUCKING KIDDING ME?!

AVGN: (on Where's Waldo) It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in this?! WHERE THE FUCK IS WALDO?! He doesn't even know where he is!

AVGN Wish List (Part 2)[edit]

The Nerd: The Three Stooges. This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. [powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II] What? Ghostbusters II?
[The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]
Curly: Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
Larry: Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
The Nerd: [smiling] Now, that's funny.
Moe: You imbeciles!
The Nerd: I've always been a big fan of The Three Stooges, but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.

The Nerd: [reviews Home Improvement] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim "The Toolman" Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
The Nerd: I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says "REAL MEAN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS"! Very funny.

The Nerd: [playing Pit Fighter on SNES] As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it has to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played! Worse than Super Noah's Ark 3D, worse than Shaq-Fu, worse than Wizard of Oz, worse than Lester the Unlikely! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode Double Dragon was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is way more fun than Pit Fighter.

The Nerd: [after he plays Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet for the PlayStation] Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE! [sighs] All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage, on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played enough Spider-Man games. They're all terrible! But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
The Nerd: Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
The Nerd: And what do I hear? ["The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath plays] It's The Mob Rules, by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the same song, just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! [16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's "The Mob Rules" solo playing] I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
The Nerd: That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
[The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...LJN! The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]
["White Storm Dam" plays]
The Nerd: [in shock and happiness] My God. Oh, my God. THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH! OH, MY GOD! THEY MADE A GAME... THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT! OH, MY GOD! THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOT SHIT!

Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing[edit]

AVGN: This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. I usually stick to consoles, and I don't usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not the worst game ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out.

AVGN: [upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics] Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is awesome!
AVGN: "Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing". "Over the road" is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...

AVGN: I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the whole game is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are so close to touching the ground, but don't. (His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still) The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That is the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers forget to make the trucks move? Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... (He succeeds) Yeah! That's some fine work. (He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)

AVGN: This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is a more recent version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even less functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. (He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: "YOU'RE WINNER!" He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.) Oh, no. No. (laughing uneasily) Oh, no! No! (continues laughing) "You're Winner" is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to "You win." Disappointing, I know.

AVGN: But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. Really big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No shit. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says "You're a lose" or something like that. Here we go. [Crosses the finish line, "You win" screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion] What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!

AVGN: These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? [Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop] There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the Arc de Triomphe appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as "cars", the "Ultranav" points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is "Ultranav" anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a complete lie! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, "You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law." "Deliver your load to its destination."

AVGN: What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game "delivers a load" all right - load of fucking shit! I'll deliver a load all over this fucking game! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! "You're winner!" It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]

AVGN: This is not even close to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the worst game ever made! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.

AVGN: You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, "Yeah, that's OK. Put that out."? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think "Maybe there's still some work left to do?"

AVGN: By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought "Wow. This is shit. But, E." Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.")

[Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]
Trucker: Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
Voice over: It's Big Rigs!
Trucker: Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got trucks! Yeah... trucks!
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
Voice over: Big Rigs!
Trucker: Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
Voice over: With Big Rigs!
Trucker: Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! Nothing stands in your way!
Voice over: When you're Big Rigs!
Trucker: Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
Voice over: Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs!
Trucker: Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
Voice over: BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS!!! Big Rigs.

AVGN: Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid. (Screams wildly) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP! (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!

Desert Bus[edit]

[Words pop up saying "May 2004" and then shows the very first episode of The Angry Video Game Nerd: "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest"]
The Nerd from his Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review: [first line from that episode] This game sucks.
[Words pop up saying "10 Years Later"]
["Angry Video Game Nerd Theme" plays and then we see all of the Angry Video Game Nerd episodes and a calendar in the intro]
[The Nerd sits on his couch, staring at the camera]
The Nerd: There is a game that was said to be even worse than Big Rigs. It was also a driving game and it's called Desert Bus. It was so unspeakably dreadful that it was cancelled before it was ever released.
[intro to Penn & Teller's Smoke and Mirrors is shown]
The Nerd: It was one of 6 games included in Penn & Teller's Smoke and Mirrors for the Sega CD. That's right. Penn & Teller were behind this.
The Nerd: And if you haven't heard of them, well, how do I sum it up? Basically, they're two of the greatest entertainers of our time. They mix magic and comedy, they perform it live, they defy physics, they're funny as hell, they attack Bullshit, and they've been doing it for nearly 40 years.
The Nerd: So their first attempt at a video game in 1995 was a very interesting one, and something that only they could have made.
Penn: [speaks to Teller] See? See-see-see-see-see? You gotta be careful, those thermographics!
The Nerd: Smoke and Mirrors is like the anti-video game. It's made up of 6 mini-games that exist for no other reason than to play jokes on your friends. Explaining them all in detail would be a disservice for anyone wanting to try them out for themselves.
The Nerd: Of course, the game was never released, but prior to its cancellation, it appeared in Sega Visions magazine and even made the front cover.
[developer intro for Smoke and Mirrors shows]
The Nerd: The true reason it was cancelled was because the company, Absolute, went out of business, but like anything, the game found its way onto the internet and has been circulated, people have played it, and it's become sort of a cult hit.
The Nerd: It's one of the strangest collections of games you might ever play. There's a traditional side-scroller where you actually play as Penn & Teller themselves. It's insanely frustrating to figure out what you're supposed to do, but it's hilarious just for the idea that they made their in-game characters so useless.
The Nerd: There's a part where an enemy magician is throwing straitjackets at you, and you have to bounce them back using an umbrella. Trying to hit this guy is just as much of a trick as anything Penn & Teller have pulled off themselves. The straight-jackets always bounce in the wrong direction.
[The Nerd finally gets the straitjacket to bounce onto the magician, but it goes right through]
The Nerd: Oh, come on! That didn't count? Overall, the whole game is worth it just for the abundance of Penn & Teller clips. Watching these guys, you can't go wrong.
Penn: [shouts to Teller who plays with two action figures in a death match] Death move! Death move! Death move! Death move! Death move! Death move! [the action figures begin to pour blood] Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!
The Nerd: But then, there's Desert Bus. How bad could it be? Let's find out.
[Desert Bus intro comes on]
The Nerd: From Tucson, Arizona to Las Vegas, Nevada. Are we going to Las Vegas to see a Penn & Teller show? I hope. Okay, I'm driving the bus. Come on, bus. [The Nerd begins impatiently pressing the A button on the Genesis controller] Come on, bus. Come on.. [The bus begins to drive] Okay, slowly but surely, here we go. [The Nerd stares in disbelief at the game for a while before shaking his head in disappointment]
The Nerd: This is the game: You drive, drive, and drive. There is nothing out there, except road and sand. Occasionally, there's a rock or a sign, but that's it. There's no passengers to interact with, no music on the radio, nothing to keep you occupied. The road never turns, there's no other vehicles, there is absolutely nothing.
The Nerd: You can open the door with the B button. Basically, it makes a sound effect. That's a little something you can do to entertain yourself.
[The Nerd hits the B button, and places his hand at his ear in excitement to hear the sound effect of the door opening]
The Nerd: The bus can't go any faster than 45 miles per hour. I don't know why, maybe Dennis Hopper has a bomb on it or something, so there's no hope of speeding up this test of human attention span.
The Nerd: So how long is this trip? It's 360 miles to Las Vegas, at 45 miles per hour, that would mean 8 hours.
[The Nerd is shown holding the Genesis controller with his jaw dropped]
The Nerd: THIS IS A FUCKING 8-HOUR GAME! Whoever needs to take a road trip when you can simulate the whole experience in real time on your Sega CD! [chuckles and groans] WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!
[scene shows an FMV of Penn & Teller playing Desert Bus]
The Nerd: Well, this time, we have an answer: Penn & Teller make it clear right before the game starts that the whole joke was to make a game that's just like real life.
Penn: Verisimulators: Games stupefyingly like reality.
The Nerd: [continuing previous statements] I've read in various interviews with Penn that this was in response to all the controversies at the time about all the hyper-violent video games. So, instead of something imaginary and fun, here's the real life, mundane task of DRIVING A FUCKING BUS FOR 8 HOURS!
The Nerd: Well, if we're gonna do this, we're gonna need several bathroom breaks. Let's pause it.
[The Nerd tries pausing the game, but it honks the bus horn]
The Nerd: What? The start button blows the horn.
[The Nerd stares in disbelief as he presses Start again, and it honks the bus horn again.]
The Nerd: There's no pause. You just have to keep driving. I wonder how many people have pissed their pants while playing this. You can't even stop to get something to eat.
The Nerd: The manual [And yes, there is a manual.] says "No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?"
[The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it away]
The Nerd: I'm drivin'.
[The Nerd hangs an air freshener on the camera]
The Nerd: What happens at the end when you get to Las Vegas? Imagine if after the 8 hours, you get to play casino games and have fun, and all of a sudden, the game becomes awesome. Well, I looked into it. You wanna know what happens? You get a point.
[The Nerd stares in disbelief]
The Nerd: A point. 1 FUCKING POINT! And then you gotta drive all the way back! Every 8 hours, a point! Those are the slowest points in video game history!
The Nerd: Did Penn & Teller really make this game, or did Andy Warhol rise from the dead?!
The Nerd: Yeah, you know the Andy Warhol film, Empire? It's an 8-hour movie that's nothing but a shot of The Empire State Building. Yeah.
The Nerd: Who could ever sit through this? Well, there was going to be prizes. Penn & Teller were actually planning to have a Desert Bus contest. You send in your score, and the grand prize was a trip on an actual bus from Tucson to Las Vegas, but you'll get to see a show and have a four-night stay at Bally's.
The Nerd: That only begs the question: Who has the high score in Desert Bus?
The Nerd: Well, apparently, the highest you can get is 99, which would mean putting in 792 hours (or 33 days) of continuous gameplay, and speaking of long hours, I just found out there's a group who do an annual marathon of the game for charity. It's called "Desert Bus for Hope", and it's been very successful in raising money for children. So at least something good has come of this game.
The Nerd: They must be some serious troopers, I can't sit through 10 minutes of this shit!
The Nerd: I've heard that every once in a while, a bug will splat on your windshield. I'd be happy just to see that. I'm suffering from so much sensory deprivation that anything to break up the monotony would be amazing. If a bug came and splat on this windshield, that would blow my fucking mind.
The Nerd: But I'll never have the patience to get that far, I'll never get a single point. Just gotta hold your thumb on this button for so long. [The Nerd gets an idea] Wait. [exclaims and uses a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode] How do you like that trick, Penn & Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
[The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, but his trick backfires, as the bus gradually begins to veer off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]
The Nerd: What? What? What the fuck?! [grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to] It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. [The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.] They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. [groans] They thought of everything. Goddamn you, Penn & Teller! [the bus runs out of gas] You have to sit here and drive the bus, just like in real life, and real life fucking sucks. [Tow truck noises are heard] Now I'm getting towed. Oh, boy. The towing is in real time also. So if you've driven 7 hours, does it take 7 hours for the game to start over? This is the most sadistic thing ever! There's no fun factor whatsoever, this makes Big Rigs look like a fucking party. Big Rigs isn't even a game: It has no challenge whatsoever, but here, the challenge comes from trying to stay awake from boredom. For the past 10 years, I've been on a mission to warn the world of shitty games. And in all those years, this one takes the cake. I think I've finally hit the bottom of the barrel! [the Nerd swats away the air freshener] The fact that a game like this could come into existence, and that people have played it and suffered through it, and even adapted it into an Atari 2600 game, means that I failed. I've done everything I can. It's time to retire.
[A black and white montage is shown of various clips from previous Angry Video Game Nerd episodes, while a piano version of the Angry Video Game Nerd Theme plays. The Nerd goes to his NES collection and pulls out "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest," nods, and puts it back, but pulls out a game, which says "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction," beside it. The Nerd is confused, and he shrugs]
The Nerd: One more. For old time's sake.
[The Nerd begins playing Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction]
The Nerd: This game is a hack of Castlevania II by TheAlmightyGuru. As I said 10 years ago, the original game is full of problems.
The Nerd from his Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review: How would you ever figure out that you're supposed to throw an oak stake at that orb?
The Nerd: One of the biggest problems in the game is how cryptic it is and how none of the townspeople tell you anything that's useful. Instead of giving you clues like any other kind of adventure or RPG game, they just give you a bunch of nonsensical riddles, but here, in Castlevania II: Redaction, we have... real clues. Yeah! All the dialogue's been fixed, and now, it actually makes sense.
The Nerd: I can't believe that somebody's actually been trying to fix this shitload of fuck. But what about the day to night transitions?
The Nerd from his Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review: Why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay? Did they think it would be more realistic? I mean in real life, I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets, and a fucking box doesn't pop up in the air.
[In "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction," the box, which says, "THE MORNING SUN HAS VANQUISHED THE HORRIBLE NIGHT." appears, and the text moves faster, and so does the day-to-night transition. The Nerd is stunned.]
The Nerd: Wow. That was fast. I wish it was that fast in the original game. I wish it didn't happen at all, but hey, that's an improvement.
The Nerd: In general, all the text moves a lot faster. I'm really digging the clues. It even tells me stuff I never even knew, like using Dracula's nail to take out blocks. [uses Dracula's nail to take a block] I had no idea you could do that.
The Nerd from his Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review: He doesn't look anything like Dracula; instead, he looks like a Grim Reaper.
The Nerd: Even Dracula's face has been changed. It's still annoying how long it takes to collect hearts to buy stuff and also those annoying invisible platforms are still there, but all these improvements are a good start.
The Nerd: The most annoying cryptic thing of all is how it never tells you how to pass through the wall.
The Nerd from his Castlevania II: Simon's Quest review: Would you guess that you're supposed to pass through this wall? You need to have a red crystal selected, and be kneeling down, and wait a little while before this magic tornado comes and takes you to the next part of the game.
[In "Castlevania II: Simon's Quest Redaction," the Nerd breaks a wall to find a clue, which says "KNEEL AT THE END OF THE WASTES WITH THE RED CRYSTAL.", leaving him stunned. Then he drops the controller in shock and happiness]
The Nerd: I've wanted to see that clue ever since I first played this. I've complained about it. Did, uh-- Did... my-my complaints... ring a bell? Did, did...did, uh-- Was...w-- Has the word of the Nerd been heard? Have I contributed how we look back at bad games? I've done it. It's not in vain! There is no retirement; The show must go on! I must continue reviewing games because that's what the world needs! But where do I go from here? [montage of Nerd's epic adventures with triumphant music] I had so many adventures within these four walls. I need to take the adventure outside! I need to go do something bigger! Something to top already everything that I've already done! [sighs deeply] But how do I do that? [Thinks then stares at the camera and nods with his trademark frown as the episode ends, hinting at Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie.]

E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial[edit]

Crowd: [chanting] Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! Nerd! [cheering]
The Nerd: E.T. on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... IT STILL FUCKING SUCKS!
[laughter and cheering from crowd]
The Nerd: When the game starts, E.T. comes down from space. Now he has to go back? Why'd he come down in the first place? All he had to do is stay on that ship and there wouldn't be a game. And wouldn't that be better, if E.T. just came down and went right back up again? Were there any colors available besides just green? The ground is green, the pits are green, and even E.T. is fuckin' green. I feel like I'm taking a color blind test.
The Nerd: No matter where you go, you fall in pits. They're fuckin' everywhere! You get out by extending your neck, it somehow makes E.T. float. When, in the movie, did E.T. extend his neck to float out of a pit? Once you reach the top, most of time, you just keep falling back in.
The Nerd: Uh, ugh, fuck! Get out of the pit, get out of the pit! Ugggh, fuck!
The Nerd: There's a trick. You gotta fuck about with the controls, just right, it's just a really bad learning curve. There's a way to catch yourself before you fall down, but you'll never be expecting it when you fall. Oh, look! Shit! The human brain can't react that fast. I don't know who can pull off that trick. Maybe Ninjas that take speed, and sit around play Atari all day.
The Nerd: The goal of the game is to find three hidden pieces of a phone that E.T. needs to call home with and guess where you find them? In the pits.
The Nerd: When you're walkin' around, you pass over these invisible spaces which hold special items. When you're standing on these spaces, you can use them to perform a certain action. For example, if you come across an arrow, you can use that to transport you to the next screen. But half the time, you're gonna end up on a pit! So, if you want to use an arrow, you need to remember what's on that space on the other screen, as if the game is forcing you to think fourth dimensionally.
The Nerd: What is this game, for fuckin' scientists? It's marketed like it's for little kids, and that really shows a lack of communication.
The Nerd: Also, the whole game works off a randomizer. All these zones, and the phone pieces, everything, they're always hidden in a different spot every time you start the game. Some fans have spoken out in defense of this game, saying that it's different every time you play it. Kinda like how every time I take a shit, it's always different.
The Nerd: What I really hate are the FBI agents and the scientists. The scientist takes your ass back to the buildings and the FBI agent takes all your phone pieces. What an asshole. Trying to outrun these guys without stepping in the holes is a real pain in the ass. [The FBI agent chases E.T.]
The Nerd: Uh. Come on! Come on, you motherfucker! Motherfucker! Motherfucker! Come on! [E.T. falls into a hole] FUCK! And how come they can pass over a hole and you can't? Yeah, yeah, go ahead, pass over the hole again, yeah fuck you. I'm gonna pass over your mom's hole. Even if you find the pieces, it's worth jack and shit, and Jack left town. That's because you need to find the "Phone Home" zone also. It looks like a Space Invader alien, but there's only one in the entire game, and keep in mind, it's always some place different, so you have to trace over every fucking space. It's like trying to find a needle in a haystack, or like a turd in a mudslide.
The Nerd: All this senseless running around drains your energy. That's right, E.T. dies from moving around too much. So, maybe I'll find the call zone first. After all, finding the phone pieces are easier, because the question mark zones show what pits they're in. Got the call zone, but, oh, fuck, I wasted all my energy. Maybe I'll find the phone pieces first. [E.T. collects all the phone pieces] Okay, got the phone pieces, but, oh, shit, the FBI guy took 'em away. It's like a big brother who wants to give you a noogie and a wedgie at the same time, and if you do manage to find everything you need in one flawless run, guess what? You can't call home unless there's nobody on the screen. So if the call zone happens to be on the screen where the FBI and scientists are, you're fucked!
The Nerd: Why does E.T. need to be alone when he calls? Like a teenage girl. So when you find the call zone with all the three phone pieces and you phone home, then you gotta make your way back to the landing zone, but even worse now, there's a time limit. You have to be standing on the landing zone at the precise moment at the precise time when the timer runs out and if an FBI agent or scientist walks into the screen, it doesn't work.
The Nerd: Why does E.T. need so much privacy? Does he need to tug on his little green beam or something?
[E.T. goes back home in his spaceship, and the Nerd beats the game.]
The Nerd: [sighs in relief] So, is it really the worst game of all time? Um... I don't think so. It's frustrating, it's challenging and it's a brainteaser, but that's what makes it so addicting. And considering it was made in such a short period of time, it's more sophisticated than anything of its era. Raiders of the Lost Ark was just as strange and cryptic and that game was met with glowing praise. Both of these games came with instruction manuals. Now I can understand kids just wanting to pick up a game and enjoy it without having to read anything, but if you could understand Raiders, you could understand E.T. So what was it that gave this game such a reputation? I can't answer that. It's just something that happened, it's something we needed. Is there something mystical about the game? [nods] There is. It's a floor plan to Area 51 as well as an access key and every cartridge contained a piece of the alien ship. Sure, but, forget about all of that. The mystical thing about all these old crap-tastic games is that they somehow hold a place in our hearts, and bring us back to that special time when we were kids. And that's the power of the classics. And...the not-so-classics that we love to hate.
[the crowd applauds and the episode ends.]

Beetlejuice[edit]

The Nerd: Beetlejuice. You know, great classic Tim Burton movie from the 80's starring Michael Keaton? At the time, it was probably one of the darkest and quirkiest comedies to get mainstream attention. It was a big deal, it had a cartoon show, and, of course, a video game on the good old NES. With a movie that employs such a wide scope of imagination where anything can happen, that gives a lot of possibilities for a game. So, I bet this could be great. Unless... [he reveals the LJN logo, with a scare chord.] AWWWW, COME ON! WHY?! WHY?! [upset] WHY?! WHY?! [yells in depression] Of course. It was made by LJN. "Made by LJN." You know, that's something everyone is always trying to correct me about. LJN was not a game developer, they were a publisher that contracted other companies to develop the games. I know that, but that doesn't change the fact that every time this logo appears on a game, it's guaranteed to be ass! If LJN published it, they still made it; it's an LJN game. So technically, this one was developed by Rare, meaning it's a Rare fuckin' day when LJN makes a game that's not a 12-foot tall mountain of dog shit! Rare was the same company that made Donkey Kong Country and Killer Instinct. So maybe we can have high hopes that this will be okay... but on the other hand, Rare also developed other LJN "classics" such as Roger Rabbit, Nightmare on Elm Street, and made Battletoads which is one of the worst two-player games of all time. So, how does Beetlejuice hold up? Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose. [he inserts the cartridge into the Nintoaster]
The Nerd: Well, I have to say, I like that you play as Betelgeuse, the Goofy Ghoul himself, and not one of the main human characters in the movie. But for a guy who's supposed to be the Ghost with the Most, he really sucks the most. All he can do is jump on enemies, but unlike a famous Italian plumber [Mario], all it does is stun the enemies, and toss you back 100 miles like you just bounced off a trampoline.
The Nerd: [grunts and yells] What's with all the ricochet shit? You can't do anything in this game without being flung all over the place! We need a name for this. We'll call it simply: "Bouncing Bullshit."
[Betelgeuse falls through a wall]
The Nerd: Now how come I can fall through a solid wall?! I know Betelgeuse is a ghost, but he walks on the ground just fine. I guess the rule is the horizontal planes are solid, but the verticals are traps. We'll call this a "Perpendicular Dick Ploy."
The Nerd: Isn't it nice how every time you try to move the screen down, you die? In most games, falling down pits is common; you fall, you die. That's fair, but here, if you advance the screen up and try to jump back down to where you once were, you still die. To get the screen to scroll back down, you have to gradually descend, hopping along lower platforms. Simply put, the edge of the screen is death. It's a good way to box the player in like a rat, forcing them to move about in the most unconventional ways, and insulting their intelligence at the same time. This will be known as the "Bitch Barrier." And the player is the bitch.
The Nerd: Damn! [exclaims] Fuck! SHIIIIIT! [growls] Nope, no, not fun, game sucks. That's all you need to know. Fucking Betelgeuse. You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. [2 seconds later] And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.
[Betelgeuse gets killed by a torch]
The Nerd: Are you telling me the torches kill you too?! The torches should just be there for decoration. How does Betelgeuse hit them anyway? I thought they were part the background, so is he just jumping against the wall? Even if the torch is out of frame, it kills you. And didn't we already establish a rule that whatever's not on screen doesn't exist? The game breaks its own rules, as long as it plays to your disadvantage. Don't touch anything! You have to be so strict about your every move, or else you get assassinated by every little thing in sight! This is what we'll call: "Inanimate Anal Ass Assassinations."
The Nerd: There's stores where you can buy power-ups. These are your only weapons in the game, but they run out within seconds. They're not even worth the effort of gathering enough points to buy them. This is what we'll call: "Fruitless Farts".
The Nerd: By the time you figure out that hitting Down and A will make you go down a hole, you realize that there's these little bonus caverns where you can get extra points by jumping on enemies. Yeah! This is the only place I found where jumping on them actually works. Try that anywhere else and you'll get bounced off a fuckin' cliff, and try hitting Down and A anywhere other than the holes, and you'll fall to your doom.
The Nerd: You also have a stomp attack, but it only works on tiny bugs, not the bigger bugs. And the holes, by the way: the only place where you're allowed to fall down are only one screen deep. You think you're supposed to keep going down? No: you die. So you have to go back out the hole. Yeah, how 'bout out my asshole, ya fucks!
[sees a frog in-game]
The Nerd: Oh look, a frog. Can I jump on it? Can I stun it? Can I kill it? You know what, I'm not even gonna mess with it. You can't trust this game: it doesn't have any consistent rules. All this misleading bullshit and trickery, we'll give the term: "Diarrhetic Diversions."
The Nerd: You never know what you're supposed to do. You'll come to an apparent dead-end, only to realize later that you have to get this cloud to move. It'll only move after the beehive is destroyed, and the only way to do that is to get the skeleton power-up and use it to shoot a fireball at it.
The Nerd: That's the kind of shit that would never make sense in any other context; say that to someone in a sentence: "To get a cloud to move, I had to get a skeleton to shoot a fireball at a beehive." When did that ever happen in the movie? And we're talking about a movie that's batshit insane, but this makes the movie look like something out of the ordinary. You know, most games stick to certain traditions that ignore the strange and the unusual... but this game itself is strange and unusual.
The Nerd: There's a few cutscenes, but they're very brief, so it's like they almost tried to be faithful to the film. I mean, come on, Betelgeuse can't say "Nice fuckin' model!" and honk his crotch in an NES game? I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material. We'll call this: "Freeform Fuckery."
The Nerd: As explained, there's many parts in the game where you need to get points to buy the Skeleton or other power-ups. The most common way to get these points is to stomp on bugs. You'll never know how many points you have until you go into the store, so what're you supposed to do, keep track of your own points?
The Nerd: To stomp on these bugs, you have to be really precise. It's just a tiny little mark you have to hit, but the worst part of all is that you can't concentrate on hitting the bugs because you have to tend with the larger bug at the same time. It's always there and constantly moving back and forth, so the method goes: stomp, jump, stomp, jump. And watch out, if you accidentally fumble on the controls, it's very easy to hop off the platform to your death. This kind of accuracy we'll call: "Pinpoint Piss Taking".
The Nerd: When you get to the first stage boss, there's no way to kill him, not without the skeleton. That's the only way. But if you get there without the skeleton, you're fucked. You can't even go back out. There's a fucking door right there, but you can't use it. You have no other choice but to get killed, and then it either sends you back several areas that you have to play through all over again, or it starts you right at the boss again. I don't know if there's any reason or it's just complete random, but once it starts you at the boss, then it'll keep doing it. You're stuck here perpetually. Even if you get to the continue screen, it keeps starting you at the boss, so you have to reset the game just so you can get the skeleton.
The Nerd: When you arrive at the boss with the skeleton, you have make sure you have plenty of them, because it goes away so fast. You can't get hit; if you get hit once, you lose the skeleton. The boss doesn't even have an energy bar or a hit meter of any kind. To beat him, you're supposed to hit him enough times to push him over to the wall on the right. But he shoots his weapon so frequently that you only have time for one attack before you have to jump over the damn thing, and if you jump at all, you end up on the ledge above the door. This wastes so much time and guarantees that he will always be moving closer each time. You'll never be able to get enough shots in to move him to the right, and if he gets too far to the left, you're completely fucked. You can't hit him from the back. The only way to win that that I know of is through a glitch where you have to do it real fast in the beginning while you're blinking. This is the most flawed, unfair, unpredictable first stage boss fight I have ever seen. We'll call this a "Rat Trap Crapshoot."
The Nerd: And at last, let's talk about the music. Don't expect to hear the familiar dark, mischievous Danny Elfman theme, no. In the tradition of all LJN games, they give you something original.
[a snippet of the music plays]
The Nerd: What kinda whoreshit is this? This doesn't set the tone at all!
[another sample plays]
The Nerd: It would be fine for other games. This is something you should hear if you're jumping around blowing bubbles in magic fairy-tale land, not a dark Tim Burton nightmare world. It'd be like listening to, I don't know, the soundtrack to Mary Poppins while watching Requiem for a Dream. For this kind of inappropriate game soundtrack, we'll call it: "Bad Music".
The Nerd: In conclusion, I can say the game is ass, it's a steaming pile of goat shit, horrible abomination. But the perfect way to sum it up is it's an LJN game. It doesn't actually matter who developed it, they were hired by LJN. The welcome letter probably said something like this.
The Nerd: "Welcome to our team of Laughing Joking Numbnuts. Here at LJN, we strive in creating the world's largest shitfests and providing to our customers the greatest raping of all their favorite films. We value your addition in helping us continue to grow the black plague of today's generation of gaming. Enclosed you will find our handbook of policies and procedures in developing games with "Bouncing Bullshit," "Perpendicular Dick Ploys," "Bitch Barriers," "Inanimate Anal Assassinations," "Fruitless Farts," "Diarrhetic Diversions," "Freeform Fuckery," "Pinpoint Piss Taking," "Rat Trap Crap Shoots," and "Bad Music." We are proud to have you on board."
The Nerd: Well, fuck this game, watch it go! [places the cartridge on the floor and smashes it to bits with his foot.] [growls and quotes Betelgeuse] BETELGEUSE, BETELGEUSE, BETELGEUSE! IT'S SHOWTIME!! [Karate grunts] I'VE SEEN THE EXORCIST 167 TIMES, IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY FUCKING TIME! [grunts] HAPPY HALLOWEEN, MOTHERFUCKER! [grunts three times]

The Twelve Days of Shitsmas[edit]

1. Tagin' Dragon[edit]

AVGN: Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.

2. ALF[edit]

AVGN: [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ALF on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form "ALF" or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying "Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass." (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!

3. CrazyBus[edit]

AVGN: There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!

4. Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs[edit]

5. Rocky and Bullwinkle[edit]

AVGN: EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!

AVGN: Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!

6. Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue[edit]

7. V.I.P with Pamela Anderson[edit]

AVGN: This is a scumbag's idea of a game. "Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!"

8. Lethal Weapon[edit]

AVGN: Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
[AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]
Mike Matei: I'm getting too old for this shit. [starts playing]

9. Porky's[edit]

AVGN: What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? "I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!" And that's why you gotta love Atari.

10. HyperScan[edit]

AVGN: Looks like we're in for a treat today. The HyperScan by Mattel, the same company that made the Intellivision, and the Power Glove. They also made every toy from He-Man to Barbie. LJN made toys. Hmm...let's see how this piece of shit holds up. It was released in 2006. It's hard to believe a specimen like this would exist at the time when Xbox 360, PS3 and Wii were the current gaming consoles. (Inserts X-Men CD into the Hyperscan) Nobody ever talked about this. Let's find out why. The instructions are blinking. That's annoying. (The Nerd tries to read the blinking instructions) Player 1...scan your...character card. You have to scan cards to make the game go? Having a disc isn't enough? How about a character select screen? That would've been fine. (The Nerd tries to scan the Wolverine card) Scan....Scan you bastard! (The instruction tells the Nerd to scan a mod card as well) Scan a mod card now?! What's with all these cards? Just start the fucking game! Goddamn! (The screen loads and there's a timer at the bottom of the screen to show how long it takes. During this time, the Nerd continues talking.) The cards were sold separately, so the idea was to combine card collecting with video gaming. Yeah, how about fucking Pogs too? The fact that you always need to scan cards now means you have to keep the game console on your lap calling back to the Atari 2600 days where all the switches were on the console. (The game is still loading) It's still loading. Hyperscan...yeah, it's really hyper!

11. Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure[edit]

AVGN: Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?
AVGN: Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

12. LJN Video Art System[edit]

AVGN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals LJN Video Art) LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.

AVGN: Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!

[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares white noise]

AVGN: Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, "Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that." "Oh, it goes like: (Imitates white noise sounds)”

AVGN: So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars.

Season Eight[edit]

Hong Kong 97[edit]

AVGN: I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than Big Rigs. Worse than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Worse than CrazyBus or Desert Bus! It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the Super Nintendo. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only "masterpiece." (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.

AVGN: (upon seeing the word "fuckin'" in the game's intro story) This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! "A herd of fucking ugly reds"? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point?

AVGN: One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? [Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text "Chin IS DEAD!!"] No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992.

AVGN: The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: "99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same." The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tienanmen, also known as I love Peking Tienanmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again! The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life! The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going: reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.

Darkwing Duck[edit]

The Nerd: [searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material] I got it, Mad Max. It was made by Mindscape, proving that not EVERY NES movie based game was made by LJN. See, LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. Now I'm on track.

The Nerd: [reviewing the aforementioned game] Well, you drive around, you run around shooting people, you drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I wish it were LJN because they would've given me more to talk about!

The Nerd: Call me an explorer, but I've been searching for the perfect shitty game. And I've seen just about EVERYTHING at this point. But you know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game on... [turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16] The TurboGrafx-16. Holy shit. The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which is unique. It was technically the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans: the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody gave a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers working for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games. The TurboGrafx library is less contaminated than the rest. That's why it's taking me so long to get to. There's no major stinkers that stick out. But I might have found one. Darkwing Duck, based on the TV show. I remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most HORRIBLE GAMES that are humanly possible to make: Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, Big Rigs, Hong Kong 97... I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending on which way you look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory. Let's get serious. Or should I say... "Let's get dangerous"?

The Nerd: Great, the game has just begun and they tease you with an item that you can't get! There's gotta be a way... Oh, I see, you bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. (turns to the camera) How can I be so casual when I say "skateboarding penguins"?

The Nerd: It's not like I have to get the D, I don't even know what it does. But it pisses me off, I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I've feel like I've been fooled. It's like a test from the game programmers, a challenge, like: You put that D there, and I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it! ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can suck my dick!

The Nerd: 'I've been playing on "Normal Mode". I'm changing it to "Easy". Huh. "Easy" and "Normal". Should be called "Hard" and "FUCKING BULLSHIT"!

The Nerd: Don't you'd think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? (Darkwing jumps up to the cable) How 'bout hanging on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on, but it never happens. It messes with your mind. It's a psychological sucker-front, a facade. It's the equivalent of an open door that you can't go in.

The Nerd: So much shit coming at me, SO MUCH SHIT! (The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.) What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, you go to the dungeon, bitch!

The Nerd: You can't duck and shoot, great. Well, at least you can duck. You ARE a duck. I don't know what kind of fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck.

The Nerd: (As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before opening his mouth.) (Screams angrily) FU.....!!!!!!!!!! (this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion) (angrily) IF YOU STAND STILL FOR TOO LONG, A SAFE DROPS ON YOU, LIKE THE GAME IS SAYING "FUCK YOU!" Might as well just be a giant middle finger, and it should be the only part of the game in 3D. Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!
The Nerd: This could've been a decent game. Darkwing Duck is NOT one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before. (Footage of the NES version of "Darkwing Duck" is shown) There's an NES version which was basically like Mega Man but with a duck. It was made by Capcom, who of course made the Mega Man games and DuckTales. Those all turned out great. So what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's uniquely bad. In an indescribable way.
The Nerd: Every game with bad control has it's own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform, it's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or a pellet of bird poop. To explain exactly how bad it is, I've invented "The Shit Scale."
The Nerd: It begins with "Games That Are Debatably Bad." Somewhat good games with serious flaws. Not part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.
The Nerd: Then you get to the "High Level of Shit Contamination." Games that are possible to play, but nobody in their right mind would.
The Nerd: Then you get to the "Very High" category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.
The Nerd: Next is the "Severe Zone." This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it.
The Nerd: Then we have "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde." Enough said.
The Nerd: Finally, at the EXTREME end of the scale, "MAJOR CODE RED," we have games that don't even qualify as games at all. They shouldn't even be on the scale, but they are. And that's so you know to beware. NEVER play them, NEVER talk about them.
The Nerd: So where does Darkwing Duck fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ("Very High" category) Of course, that means there are games that are worse, but so far, from what I have seen, Darkwing Duck is the WORST game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the Fuckin' Nerd, I'll see you next time. (The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily)

Seaman[edit]

The Nerd: Finally, it's time to play some thing on the Dreamcast, the final console from Sega. The fact that I never before reviewed a Dreamcast game is a testament to the greatness of the console. There just weren't that many shitty games that I'm aware of. It was a good piece of hardware for Sega to go out with, after many ups and downs.

The Nerd: So, what brings the occasion? Well, fans have fished out this... gem... for me, 'cause that's what y'all do, is feed me with game requests to keep me going. And they say that this is one of the strangest games ever made... and happens to be called... Seaman. No. I'm not going there.

The Nerd: So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: "You are free to enjoy Seaman-" AUUUGH, NO NO NO NOOOOOOO! (Slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead) IT'S SEAMAN! SEA...MAN! Not semen. AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE! (Puts disc in the Dreamcast and shuts it)

The Nerd: The manual says "Go to meetseaman.com". The website no longer exists, but I heard it was once a porn site. But I just heard, that's all. A Dreamcast game that sends you to porn... more like "Wet Dreamcast". (clumsily handles controller due to the wire coming out of the bottom rather than the top)

Leonard Nimoy: You'll witness before you a phenomenon like no other. My name is Leonard Nimoy, and I will be your guide.
The Nerd: No. No way. Leonard Nimoy? Spock himself is the voice of the Seaman game on Sega Dreamcast?

Leonard Nimoy: You visit often. If one didn't know better, one might assume you're quite obsessed. Or you have nothing better to do.
The Nerd: Oh, I have better things to do!
(cut to the Nerd outside playing with fecal matter)

The Nerd: [trying to pass the time by playing Explosive Fighter Patton on the Famicom Disk System, and getting shocked upon seeing "FUCKING" on the screen] No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! It's an officially released game on a Nintendo console that says "FUCK!" Oh my God, my life is complete! It says "FUCK!" (Shouting) IT SAYS FU....
[brief montage indicating the passage of time]
The Nerd: (continues shouting) ...UUUUU-- Oh-oh, I forgot about Seaman! [turns Dreamcast back on]
Leonard Nimoy: I regret to inform you, but Seaman has passed away.
The Nerd: (groans) So it's game over? I gotta start all over again? Aw! Man, I was too busy saying "it said fuck", I gotta... can I go back a day? Hmm. Why not?

The Nerd: That's right: people will all become mindless slaves to the Internet! Remember the Sega Channel? Sega was one of the first to offer downloadable gaming - by attaching this device to your Genesis, you were plugged into their network. We're all caught in the spider's web, and the final part in the grand scheme was the evolution of the Dreamcast with Seaman. Sega... Sentient Electronic Global Annihilator. It's hell-bent on world domination! Why else would the SEGA have tried to overtake such big corporations as Nintendo with their "Genesis Does What Nintendon't" campaign? Why were the systems named after planets? The Saturn, the cancelled Neptune? The SEGA was trying to consume the whole galaxy, eventually the universe! And why does Seaman wanna know so much about your family?
Seaman: (scoffs) My knowledge of you and your family grows ever more complete.
The Nerd: The SEGA is trying to consume your identity! To learn all about you so it can become you! THE PODFISH ARE COMING! THEY'RE HERE ALREADY! YOU'RE NEXT! YOU'RE NEXT! I must destroy it! I'm gonna move the clock so far forward, you're gonna be ancient history again! (He does. Dust accumulates on the futon, buildings fall, cities rise, years skip to 2066, 2199, 2481 and 3001. The Nerd is shown to have been reduced to a skeleton surrounded by cobwebs.)
Leonard Nimoy: It is not necessary for you to lavish quite so much attention on Seaman. I hope that Seaman is not disturbing your everyday routine. (Time resets itself to Christmas 1982. Clips of a young James Rolfe on his NES play.)
The Nerd: (interleaved) As with life itself, change only occurs over time, and even then, slowly. (...do is feed me with game requests to keep me going.) Change is only evident through the accumulation of experience over time.
Seaman: And because I can see you and hear you and, uh, smell you. You exist as part of my consciousness. See ya. (tank light switches off)

Dedicated to Leonard Nimoy

The Crow[edit]


Angry Video Game Nerd: Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.

Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero[edit]

The Nerd: Well, Christmas is almost here again.. already. The cold weather's kicking in, the snowfall, the ice, it's gonna get below freezing, maybe even.. sub-zero, which reminds me. (The Nerd looks through his collection of Nintendo 64 games complete with end labels) Ah, yes, Nintendo 64 end labels, the greatest invention ever. When Nintendo drops the ball, the fans pick it up. Here it is: Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero. This is one Mortal Kombat game that I have never played before, but how could that be? It was one of my favorite video game franchises.

The Nerd: If only you knew, if only you were the one holding the controller right now, you know what exactly what I mean. (He holds a Nintendo 64 controller to the camera) Yeah, take it. Yeah, I know it. You would if you could. But trust me, don't. If I was jumping off a bridge, would you do it, too? Nah. This is jumping off a bridge. And I'm not happy. Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
Scorpion: I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
The Nerd: Um... Just stuck to Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.

The Nerd: Also, it's one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" type of games. Yeah, you know kind of make you say, "Where the fuck do I go?" How about down here? [Sub-zero climbs down the rope] Nope, another dead end. Okay, what do I do now? [Suddenly a big hexagon-shaped ceiling descends and then squashes Sub-Zero] What? [exclaiming] GOD! [Nerd laughs crazily and then frowns] I hate this! W-W-Where do I jump? W-Where do I ju--?! I can't kick this g-- I CAN'T JUMP K-- THE JUMP KICK DOES-- THE-THE JUMP KICK NEVER FAILS LIKE THIS! [screams angrily] FUCK! SHIT! FUCK! [Sub-Zero screams while falling] [Sub-Zero gets to a boss battle and sees Blaster as the boss] [shocked gasp] I didn't know there was a Transformer in the game! It's Blaster! [the Nerd groans while he tries to beat Blaster but Sub-Zero dies] [angrily yells] FUCK! [the Nerd stands up and picks up the cartridge from the N64] NO WONDER I HAVEN'T PLAYED THIS ONE BEFORE! THIS IS ANAL SAUCE! [He throws the cartridge and freezes it with Sub-Zero's trademark ice projectile]
Mortal Kombat Announcer: Finish him! [The Nerd destroys the cartridge into blood and guts while he grunts] Fatality!

[after the episode ends]
James D. Rolfe: Hope you enjoyed that episode. I have something to tell you for fans of physical media who want to own the first 100 Nerd episodes in your collection, we now have Angry Video Game Nerd, Volume X out, on a Blu-Ray. So you can see what we did there. We had volumes 1 through 8, now it's X, like Mega Man. Uh, this is the same stuff just so you know, all these episodes were previously released on DVD, so there's nothing new here. The reason you would get this is if, A., you don't already own them, or B., if you wanna watch the first 100 episodes in marathon, which would be about 19 hours. You could do that; it's possible. Um, so, it's 100 episodes on 1 disc, about 19 hours, and in addition to that, there's a second disc that comes with it, that's about 7 hours of bonus material. These are the bonus material, uh, bonus content from the previous DVDs that goes up to 100. It stops at episode 100. They're in standard definition, because they were shot in standard definition, and the reason they're on a Blu-Ray is to be able to fit so many of 'em. Uh, Blu-Ray discs are a lot more expensive to manufacture than DVDs, but I think by cramming so many into 'em, it's a lot more cost effective. So, this would be if you wanna own the episodes on fewer discs. Uh, it's on Amazon.com right now. You can get the link in the description below, and all the details there, um, and, uh, for those who don't own Blu-Ray players, we are planning to get the old DVDs back in stock; there could still be AVGN Volume 9, that's still possible if you want it, and, uh, we are gonna put the newer episodes out. Uh, the ones that were shot in HD will be on Blu-Rays in the future. So, we have a lot of work to do. Uh, the focus lately has been on getting all these videos done, uh, which we just did. You can see there's been a lot of videos on the site recently, and on YouTube. So, I hope you enjoyed all them, uh, what we had this year, and, uh, look out for all-new stuff in 2016, Happy Holidays, and Happy New Year.

Mega Man Games[edit]

The Nerd: [first lines] It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... [he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone] (Check it out.) [Nokia fanfare plays] ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. Yeah. Now let's play some 8-bits.
[Angry Video Game Nerd theme music plays while presenting a montage over the past 10 years]
Kyle Justin: [singing] ♪ He's gonna take you back to the past ♪
♪ To play the shitty games that suck ass. ♪
♪ He'd rather have a buffalo take a diarrhea dump in his ear. ♪
♪ He'd rather eat the rotten asshole of a road-killed skunk and down it with beer. ♪
♪ He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard. ♪
♪ He's the Angry Nintendo Nerd. ♪
♪ He's the Angry Atari Sega Nerd. ♪
♪ He's the Angry Video Game Nerd. ♪
The Nerd: BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this. It ain't Superman or Ultraman, it's Capcom's Mega Man, a robot hero built by Dr. Light to battle against the Evil Dr. Wily and his never-ending supply of robot villains in the year 2...whatever. The 2D gameplay is as classic as they come with a little bit of Contra, a little Metroid, but still stands in its own right with its stage select system and the ability to steal each of the boss character's weapons. Oh, we can't forget about those disappearing blocks. One of the many rules of gaming: Never trust what's under your feet. Mega Man II is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, Street Fighter II, which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number II's.
The Nerd: It's the simple things that make it so appealing. For example, Mega Man's run cycle: he's constantly at full sprint. You can see the determination, the pure gallantry, but that doesn't even graze upon why the gameplay is so addicting. The jumping, the midair shooting, it's a science that triggers a phenomenon in your brain. It's so bad ass... [pauses his speech, focusing on playing Mega Man II] Oh, sorry. I was just playing the game. When you do catch yourself a break to stop and listen, you'll realize you're hearing some of the most rocking video game tunes of all time! If only the idea of video game soundtrack albums caught on back then. You'd get 21 hits in one fantastic collection, including; [belts out the Crashman Stage Music.] And: [belts out the Dr. Wily Stage Music. A fake infomercial screen appears] This offer's not available in stores; order today.
The Nerd: I remember when Mega Man was a trilogy, but then it became a motherfucking hexology. 6 classic 8-bit games on the NES! With each installment, there were upgrades. 3 added the slide, 4 added the mega buster, and of course, each time they had to come up with more robot villain names; Snake Man, Needle Man, Hard Man, Dust Man, Charge Man, Tomahawk Man, Kimmy Gibbler Turd Salad Man, it wouldn't stop! The series was impressively consistent. There was a point where it seemed like the team behind making these games were not human. They were machines themselves, pounding out each sequel in an assembly line. Sure, by the time 6 came along, it got a little stale, but it was rejuvenated with the Mega Man X series on Super Nintendo, featuring a new Mega Man robot called X. Man, oh, man, if the franchise's foot wasn't already so far up your ass from kicking it, now, you were about to have your balls blown off 'til they orbit Uranus!
The Nerd: X3 had a lot of cutscenes and dialogue boxes. But that's cool. X4 is when they moved to the PlayStation consoles, and now the cutscenes were getting a bit out of hand. But with every new-generation console, they wanna show off the technical capabilities. I get it, that's okay. But the dialogue... [groans] But I can see how they're trying to keep the story and intriguing part of the experience to keep it fresh and interesting. With X5, it starts right up with text. You know, uh... Yeah. After a long introduction, the game starts, or... or... [A box of texts interrupts the Nerd, who tries mashing buttons in order to skip it] Okay, alright. We're off now. And things are starting-- [Another box of text interrupts him] Oh, my God! It's no joke! Every 5 seconds, there's more dialogue! "Can you see a red rope ahead of you?" I don't know! Can I move? CAN I PLAY... THE FUCKING GAME?! I was just starting to have fun, and it goes to SHIT!!! FUCK! Now everything's exploding! I just started playing the game! Have freaking mercy! Every screen, there's a bomb you have to defuse, but they don't give you enough time to reach it! Explosions! Dialogue! EXPLOSIONS AND DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME! [Shouting] OH, MY GOD!!!
[Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying "This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?" interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]
The Nerd: This is fucking horseshit. I've had enough shitty games! I've dedicated myself to this for too long! I've had it! I quit.
[The Nerd proceeds to put away his controllers, take down his collection and take it to the dump, before unbuttoning his over shirt and heading off in a manner similar to "Mega Man 2." Suddenly, The Nerd travels through time. The aspect ratio shrinks to 4:3 as the Nerd travels back to 2007 where the Independence Day episode was being filmed.]
2007 Nerd: Like, I gotta get away from this game. I gotta get out of this room. I gotta go out somewhere and do something wild: Like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis. [The 2016 Nerd steps into the 2007 Nerd's room] (Now, as always, I don't care if you agree on my opinions on games, but what I do care: you enjoy the video, you have a great Fourth of July, drink some beers, but be safe,) and most important, celebrate your independence, not to play shitty, fucking, games. [The 2007 Nerd tosses the game disc and hits the 2016 Nerd's face.] [Exclaims in shock] My God. Who are you?
2016 Nerd: I'm you.
2007 Nerd: I can see that: How did you get here?
2016 Nerd: I don't know. But... [looks around the 2007 Nerd's room] I remember this. Yeah. I don't know how else to say this, but, I'm from the future. There, I said it.
2007 Nerd: Really? Do I get the goat tattoo?
2016 Nerd: Obviously, not on your face. Look at this old setup. You know with the original NES model, you can't play European games. You gotta get your RF shit modded into composite. Still blowing in your cartridges, you gotta get your-- Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. [points at R.O.B.] Why is that there?
2007 Nerd: I don't know, it just sits there.
2016 Nerd: Get rid of it.
2007 Nerd: Why?
2016 Nerd: You'll know by Episode 100.
2007 Nerd: Uh, Episode-- [stutters] What?!
2016 Nerd: Oh, yeah. Trust me. Just quit right now.
2007 Nerd: Why? It's my d... It's our duty to review bad games and warn people from playing this shit.
2016 Nerd: What's this here? There's a Mega Man PC game on DOS? MEGA MAN ON DOS!! This is something that'll make ya wanna quit.
2007 Nerd: Okay, I'll give it a try.
The Nerd: First of all, I can't get it to work on a controller. Even after installing all kinds of shit, Mega Man won't stop running to the left, so I'm gonna have to use the keyboard. Imagine playing a Mega Man game on a keyboard. Where's the jump key? [gets hit by a dog as he grunts and yells]
2016 Nerd: What's up with the colors? You have it set to CGA. You know if you were playing it on the most up-to-date computers at the time, it would have looked much better.
2007 Nerd: Have you forgotten? We gotta bring people back to the past.
The Nerd: There was a time when it was common for computer games to look like this. Why, of all colors, did they pick baby blue and magenta as the norm? I don't know, but that's how it was. These are the colors of our childhood.
The Nerd: Why is there a toll booth? Mega Man can't pass without paying a toll? Does he have E-ZPass? I can't outrun this dog! Oh, get away! GET AWAY! [the dog lands on Mega Man again]
2016 Nerd: Shoot him!
2007 Nerd: I can't get far enough away!
2016 Nerd: Then run! Just run, run, run!
2007 Nerd: I can't! He jumps so fucking far! Eat a bowl of fuck, you assholian! [grunts angrily] It's the first screen of the game. You can't get him off you, you can't outrun him, and if you do kill him, he respawns!
2007 Nerd: Well, I guess that's as far as we can get. Good! No more of that. [Mega Man beats the dog again and manages to advance towards a building]
2016 Nerd: [exclaims excitedly] You did it! You gotta keep going now.
2007 Nerd: Alright.
The Nerd: So after that, you get the classic Mega Man stage select screen with only 3 selections. No matter which stage you pick, you're always fighting bats, frogs, spiders, bees and rodents. No creative robot enemies, nothing like that! Just kill a bunch of animals. And they're all too short to hit! If you can't shoot on the ground, why are all the enemies on the ground.
The Nerd: Why are the E-Tanks always in a puzzling spot, as if the game was deliberately designed to tease you and piss you off? They even put arrows telling you to move to the left, so not only do you get to die, you get to feel like an idiot too. These things are like magnets, they pull you toward them. And I'm trying to get through this electrical hazard at the same time. Did both of these things have to exist in the same place? And once the disappearing blocks start happening, it's all over. Remember, I'm playing on a keyboard.
The Nerd: Fortunately with the sequel, the controller works, but Mega Man III? No, I didn't skip II. They did. There was no Mega Man II for PC. They jumped straight to III. Probably because the real Mega Man III on NES was already out. That would've made sense if this were the same game, but it's totally different.
The Nerd: You can say it's a big step up form the first DOS game, with twice as many stages, but for some reason, they decided to make the stages as confusing as possible. Typically in the Mega Man games, the challenge is in your platform jumping, your combat strategy and knowing when to use your special items, but this is all about navigating a maze. If you want a good "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of game, try Mega Man III DOS.
[Mega Man dies and 2007 Nerd groans]
2016 Nerd: See? This shit is a waste of life! Don't believe me? Play some of those awful Simpsons games.
2007 Nerd: I think I will. And you know what, Nerd? [2016 Nerd disappears] You should play more of those bad Mega Man games. Nerd?
[the Nerd travels to 2006 during the Nightmare on Elm Street review]
2006 Nerd: Who's gonna wanna play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person. I have a better chance of cloning myself!
[Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This is fucking shit!", "It's diarrhea shit!", "This game is horrible!", and "What a piece of fucking shit."]
Back Nerd: Hey, wait. Wait, wait! I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playing this fucking game?
Left Nerd: Yeah!
Back Nerd: So, the Hell with that shit!
Right Nerd: Yeah! The Hell with that... damn shit.
2006 Nerd: The Hell with that damn... fuckin' shit.
Left Nerd: THE HELL WITH--
2016 Nerd: [yells] THE HELL WITH THAT GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING BULLSHIT!
[The other Nerds are surprised by the 2016 Nerd and react to him]
Back Nerd: [stutters] What?
2006 Nerd: Nobody tells me what's going on here!
Left Nerd: Who is this?!
2006 Nerd: Who invited this asshole?!
The Nerd: Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
Back Nerd: Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
2006 Nerd: What's AVGN?
Right Nerd: [with an idiotic smile] Audio Video Graphic Network!
2006 Nerd: [sarcastically] A VaGiNa.
[2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]
2006 Nerd: So what time did you come from?
2016 Nerd: From ten years into the future.
2006 Nerd: That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
Left Nerd: [sarcastically] Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!
2006 Nerd: Relax.
2016 Nerd: All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, [Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away] but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. [shows the PlayStation Disc] Here is Mega Man Legends, on PlayStation.
2006 Nerd: PlayStation? We're the Angry Nintendo Nerd!
2016 Nerd: THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
Back Nerd: How about Angry Nintendo Commentator?
[2016 Nerd facepalms]
Right Nerd: How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
2006 Nerd: How about Nostalgia Critic?
2016 Nerd: [in disagreement, as if saying, "That's not gonna happen."] Now that's fucking stupid.
Left Nerd: How about "Angry Video Game Nerd"?
[The Nerds agree on the name]
Right Nerd: Yeah, that's good.
Middle Nerd: I agree with that.
The Nerd: Mega Man Legends was when the series made the jump to three dimensions. In the late 90's, it was almost like a law. Every 2D franchise must try 3D. So the game begins, and--
Roll Caskett: Wait a second!
The Nerd: [groans] That explains it all.
Roll Caskett: Watch out! There's something right in front of you!
The Nerd: Don't you think I can see?
Roll Caskett: Hold it! Don't move!
The Nerd: Don't worry. I can't move. Every time I try, it's another text box!
Roll Caskett: Turn right there. Do you see a door?
The Nerd: Oh, what? That thing in front of me?
Roll Caskett: It's not far from your current position.
The Nerd: Not far from my current position? "Use the circle button"? Really? I would've never thought of that. That's not at all what I was just about to do.
The Nerd: The control is horrific. You know how in Mario 64 and Zelda: Ocarina of Time, how natural the controls feel? You push the joystick in the direction you want to go, and it responds perfectly. In Mega Man Legends, it's nothing at all like that. Instead, the D-Pad moves you two-dimensionally left and right while you rotate your viewpoint with the L1 and R1 buttons. At least, that's the best I can explain the controls.
The Nerd: The game was later released on the Nintendo 64, calling it, what else? Mega Man 64. In this version, the controls are slightly better, but hardly anything else has been updated. Despite coming out 3 years later, and 4 years after Mario 64 would set a very clear standard on how three dimensional controls should feel. [while collecting zenny in-game] Hey. Link wants his rupees back.
The Nerd: [cut to Mega Man opening a treasure chest] Treasures? What is this? Mega-Man Legends of Zelda wannabe? Some people say this game is good, in the same way some people say that anchovies on pizza is good. You could do much worse.
The Nerd: It's an adventure game that serves as an alternate to the traditional Mega Man format. It's more about exploring and watching a story unfold. But still, when I think of Mega Man, I never imagine I'd be talking to a monkey and a mustached man dressed like Dick Tracy.
The Nerd: "Go to the shopping area?" [chuckles] Imagine Mega Man walking into Staples. But wait. That's not far off. Here, Mega Man is walking into a clothing store, a bakery, a toy store! [the Nerd tries to contain his laughter] Mega Man shopping! [laughs] He's walking into a CD store. Really? What kind of music would Mega Man buy? Does this place have all popular crap, or any of the obscure good stuff? Like Witchfinder General. Look! He doesn't have a reflection in the mirror! Mega Man's a vampire! He can't even walk right. How is everybody so casual? Try that sometimes. Walk into a department store, turn around in circles and see if anyone looks at you funny.
[Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]
The Nerd: "There're some dirty magazines on the racks..."?
[The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]
The Nerd: "It might be fun to look at--"
[The Nerds all exclaim things such as "WHAT?!" and "OH, MAN!" and "OH, MY GOD!" and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]
Left Nerd: MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!
2006 Nerd: My life is complete!
Right Nerd: [laughing] Mega Man X. more like Mega Man XXX.
2016 Nerd: Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
Back Nerd: [in embarrassment] I wish you would've said that earlier.
[The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd shit his pants.]
Left Nerd: [Groans] You diarrhea fiend!
Right Nerd: It's nasty!
2006 Nerd: [moans] Oh, God!
[2016 Nerd disappears]
2006 Nerd: [moans] Oh, [stutters] your shit's so nasty, it just-- it reminded Future Nerd of the shitty Back to the Future games, and sent him back to the future... or I just overthought it.
Freddy Krueger: Overthink this, bitch! DIE!!
[Freddy goes on to kill the Nerd clones as he did in the past. Meanwhile, 2016 Nerd is sent even further back in time to 2004, during his original Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde review]
2004 Nerd: You'd rather superglue your asshole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather-- You know-- The-the thing is-- [takes a swig of Rolling Rock] You'd think I'm jokin', like I'm trying to be funny or somethin'. But, no, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fuckin' horrible... and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. [He leans forward and talks to a teddy bear and an extreme close-up of the 2004 Nerd's face is shown.] DEAD. FUCKIN'. SERIOUS.
2016 Nerd: Yes, you are.
2004 Nerd: I must be drinkin' too much. I ain't seein' this, man.
2016 Nerd: Drinkin' too much? Yeah. [he holds up an empty Rolling Rock bottle and lowers it.] But you are seein' this. I'm you, from the future.
2004 Nerd: Right.
2016 Nerd: And I need your help.
2004 Nerd: Does this have anything to do with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde?
2016 Nerd: No. But it concerns shitty games.
2004 Nerd: Good. Anything but Jekyll and Hyde. So tell me, how far into the future do you come from? A month? A year?
2016 Nerd: About 12 years, almost.
2004 Nerd: What, are you fuckin' kidding me? And you're still playin' shitty ga-- You didn't play Jekyll and Hyde again, did you?
2016 Nerd: [beat, shakes his head] No, never. Mm-mm. (notices Mega Man X7 and picks it up) What's this? Mega Man X7 for PlayStation 2?
2004 Nerd: Yeah, that just came out...last fall.
2016 Nerd: [shocked] Oh, man. I'm retro.
The Nerd: Mega Man X7. The first thing to note is that you don't even play as Mega Man X, at least not until much later in the game. Instead, you switch between Zero, and a new character named Axl. Now, think about that name, and go back to Mega Man X5. I noticed Izzy, Duff, Adler, and Slash! Beyond any coincidence, they've been naming the characters after members of Guns N' Roses! That is awesome.
The Nerd: The game doesn't even know whether it wants to be 2D or 3D. It keeps switching back and forth. I guess you could say it has variety, but the camera angles are a cruel inhumanity. I can't see a damn thing! According to the manual, you can adjust the angle using L1 and R1, but only in designated spots. Like how my cats shit in designated spots.
The Nerd: Zero uses a lightsaber but Axl is equipped with a gun. You'd think this gun would operate the same as Mega Man's arm cannon. It should almost make you forget that you're a different character, the same way Mega Man and X always felt the same, right? Well...no. They turned it into a steaming pile of goat shit. Now there's an automated targeting system. Gone is all the challenge of aiming and shooting. Now, it's all about mashing buttons. When I see a bunch of targets, I tap the button repeatedly. As soon as one target is destroyed, it immediately locks on to the next one until they're all gone.
The Nerd: Changing the established gameplay so drastically was a bad move, a BM, a really shitty move.
Axl: Phew! Somebody please tell me I'm through with the worst of it.
The Nerd: I've seen the worst. I just got done playing Jekyll and Hyde. Well, you can't say they didn't try anything new because every stage feels like a completely different game. In some ways, that's cool, but not when this happens: Get me out of Neon Hexagon Land!
The Nerd: I don't even understand how to play this... Then it flips upside down and not only that, the controls are reversed! What a piece of shit, the progression of the Mega Man series was like shitting on an escalator. Once it reaches the top, it gets a whole lot shittier and then it comes back around for more.
The Nerd: You'd rather super glue your dick hole shut. If you ever find a copy of this game, do yourself a favor and bury it under the fragments of the Jekyll and Hyde cartridge that you previously smashed with a hammer.
[2004 Nerd turns off the TV.]
2016 Nerd: So, there ya go: Proof that it sucked...back then.
2004 Nerd: Yeah, and I know by your time, they're probably up to Mega Man X20.
2016 Nerd: No, Mega Man kinda stopped. [Picks up a Rolling Rock and peeks inside before he turns the bottle upside down] The franchise has been dormant lately.
2004 Nerd: Well, that's good. You never rush out anything just to meet consumer demand. Otherwise, you end up putting out shit. Some franchises get done to death. You can't keep beating the same thing into the ground.
2016 Nerd: Yeah. But, I do miss the Mega Man series. People want it. Hmm. If you had a series, what would you do?
2004 Nerd: I couldn't imagine. I wish I had something like that. [The Angry Video Game Nerd Theme plays in the background] If people wanted it, that'd be a great thing. You can't do the same thing all the time or else it gets old, but every now and then, it's good to bring it back.
2016 Nerd: [smiles] Thanks.
[The 2004 Nerd watches as the 2016 Nerd leaves and picks up a shoe box full of NES games. He almost picks up "The Karate Kid" cartridge and begins to rub his chin in contemplation and does his trademark frown. The 2016 Nerd arrives back to his own timeline and finds, to his shock, that Bugs Bunny (portrayed by Mike Matei), dressed in the Nerd's clothing, is hosting his series and playing "The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout" while sitting on the futon.]
Bugs Bunny: This game fuckin' sucks. Nyah, what a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking?
The Nerd: Hey. What's goin' on here?
Bugs Bunny: Nyah. I got you covered, Nerd. You quit. You said, "So long, screwy. See you in St. Louis." It's all good. You never have to play a bad game ever again. You're off the hook.
[The Nerd nods and walks away, seeming to think about something. He walks back over to Bugs Bunny and pats him on the shoulder.]
The Nerd: [falsely happy] Hey. You know what? Thanks. Thanks. I appreciate it. [The Nerd punches Bugs in the stomach and begins to fight him while he does various things such as strangling him with an N64 controller and throwing his head through the ceiling. Bugs then slaps the Nerd, surprising him.]
Bugs Bunny: Nyaah, now cut that out!
The Nerd: [mocking Bugs] Nyaah, FUCK YOU! [The Nerd punches Bugs in the face, sending him flying back into a shelf of games which fall. He punches him two more times, sending him through the wall. The Nerd then puts back on his Angry Video Game Nerd shirt and sits on the futon.] I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- [The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is Mega Man Soccer. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.] Wha--? W--? WHAT...WERE...THEY...THINKING?!? [he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]
Kyle Justin: [singing] ♪ He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd. ♪

Paperboy[edit]

AVGN: How hard would it actually be to throw a newspaper into a mailbox? Only one way to find out. (The Nerd is then shown outside on a bike trying to throw a newspaper into a mailbox numerous times, but fails.) Yep, what I thought. It's more fun to break the windows anyway, so fuck it. (the paperboy begins to break windows all over the street) Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some assifieds! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of "FUCK YOU"! Cloudy with a chance of ass kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat shit! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness, in hell!

AVGN: Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snowcock! While drunk!

AVGN: Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.

AVGN: The Grim Reaper is in town... That's a problem.

Beavis and Butt-Head[edit]

The Nerd: (belches) Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? (burps) You know the word "this" is like "shit" spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?

The Nerd: FUCK! (He drinks 4 Rolling Rocks at once while yelling, and then he becomes "The Great Cornholio" like Beavis did in the show.) I AM THE GREAT CORNHOLIO! I NEED T.P. FOR MY BUNG-HOLE!

The Bernstain Bears[edit]

Sega Activator and Aura Interactor[edit]

Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers[edit]

[Morphin' Time sequence from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers]
The Nerd: Angry Nintendo Nerd! Atari Nerd! Sega Nerd! PlayStation Nerd! Tiger Electronic Wristwatch Game Nerd! Form Angry Video Game Nerd!
Julian Spillane: (singing to the tune of the "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" theme song) ♪ Go go Angry Game Nerd ♪
♪ Go go Angry Game Nerd ♪
♪ Go go Angry Game Nerd ♪
♪ You very Angry Video Game Nerd ♪
♪ Go go Angry Game Nerd ♪
♪ Go go Angry Game Nerd ♪
♪ Go go Angry Game Nerd ♪
♪ You very Angry Video Game Nerd ♪

The Nerd: What do you get when you take Godzilla, Ultraman, Kamen Rider, Voltron, Saved By the Bell, and put 'em all together? You get Power Rangers. It was like an extended toy commercial, with action figures being staged in epic shots. It was martial arts: It was comedy: It was giant Japanese rubber suit monsters: It was mechanical dinosaurs: It was robots coming together to make bigger robots. A turtle with a traffic light on its head! Monsters that would make wisecracks and rap. And right around all these Japanese action scenes was an American teenage sitcom.
The Nerd: Power Rangers uses stock footage from the long-running Japanese show Super Sentai, a tradition which still continues to this very day, with two separate franchises both going on at the same time. Adapting a show that's crazy to begin with, and then making an American-Japanese hodgepodge, taking the insanity of both cultures and putting them together may seem like overkill, but no, it went over big. In fact, in its prime, Mighty Morphin Power Rangers was so popular it was like the successor to Ninja Turtles, and of course that meant video games: Video games up the ass. It's so far up the ass it would be impossible for me to play every one of them, so here's just a sampling of some of the Power Rangers games, and I'm counting on at least one of them to get my blood boiling. Let's start at the beginning. I have a couple of Super Sentai games on the Famicom, keeping in mind this is the show that spawned Power Rangers. The first game, released in 1991, [places "Super Sentai: Jetman" into the Famicom.] is Super Sentai: Jetman. This is based on the 15th season of Super Sentai, basically before Power Rangers came into existence. You pick your character, and then have to beat 5 stages in any order you like.
The Nerd: It's a simple mediocre sidescroller. The controls are smooth enough, and there's nothing too dumb here, except the pause button is Select instead of Start, which I'm used to. Start is the special move. Every time I try to pause the game I end up wasting the special move.
The Nerd: Two of the characters use a sword, two of them use a gun, and the other does something different. It's like they tried giving all the characters unique attacks but got only halfway before they ran out of time. And why wouldn't you pick the character with the long-range attack anyway? When one of them dies, you lose that character, sorta like Ninja Turtles on NES, but the levels are so short and easy. You're more likely to die on the boss, and in that case you start the stage over anyway.
The Nerd: The boss battles are the most awkward, frustrating parts to the game. It's like two toasters boxing. You just mash buttons, then block, then mash more buttons, hoping to land some hits. It does look cool, I'll give it that, but what's up with the jump-punch? I am not a fan of jump-punching. How do you expect to hit something like that? And why does one of the legs shrink, like matching a frog's leg with an elephant's leg? Huh. Every now and then you can charge up for a special move and that's where it's at. (shoots the boss) Yeah. (imitates explosion twice)
The Nerd: (places "Super Sentai: Zyuranger" into the Famicom) The next game, released in '92, was based on Zyuranger, which was Super Sentai's 16th season, and the one which became the basis for the first season of Power Rangers. And listen here; It has the Zyuranger theme song. [singing "Kyōryū Sentai Zyuranger" theme song in fluent Japanese] ♪ Jūrenjā! Jūrenjā! Densetsu no senshi-tachi yo! Jūrenjā! ♪ [Translation: "Zyuranger! Zyuranger! The legendary warriors! Zyuranger!"]
The Nerd: This game is more linear. You go through the stages in a set order. Each stage, you're a different Ranger. Once again, it's pretty self-explanatory. You just run to the right and fight off enemies with a gun. Halfway through you get a new weapon, but what kind of attack is that? You're just blindly swinging a knife around, like Michael Myers at the end of Halloween II. The 1981 version of Halloween II. What the hell? I have to say, I barely got through the first stage, with this platform jumping, spikes, and lousy short-range weapon, I almost gave up. Now, I'm at the boss, and I almost got it.
[Defeats the boss and the scene with the Rangers' weapons combined appears.]
The Nerd: All right! Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to succeed, but if you keep tryin'--
[scene changes to a Pong-like mini-game featuring Megazord and Dragonzord. Megazord loses and "Game Over" appears. The Nerd is stunned.]
The Nerd: What just happened? No. No, tha-that wasn't real. So I beat the first stage, again, and sure enough, it drastically switches, as if you're playing a different game, a game called "Megazord and Dragonzord Play Ping-Pong"! It's Megazord and Dragonzord playing ping-pong! Oh, my God. Imagine if the new Godzilla vs. King Kong movie comes out, if it's just them playing ping-pong. [Scene changes to them doing just that.] Yeah! King Kong plays ping pong, [Forrest Gump, played by Tom Hanks, appears.] and then fuckin' Forrest Gump shows up! Would you be disappointed, or would it be the most historically amazing thing you've ever witnessed?
The Nerd: As you progress through the game you take control of different Ranger characters and surprisingly, it gets much easier, probably because the other weapons are so much better. I can't think of any other game where all the difficulty is in the first stage and then it goes downhill. [sees the Blue Ranger] Is that the Blue Ranger or Mega Man?
The Nerd: In between each stage there's these weird mini-games like ping-pong as I mentioned. Also there's a bomb toss game which is basically Hot Potato except its Hot Bomb blows up in your face.
The Nerd: Then there's a trivia game. Unfortunately, I can't read Japanese, so I'll just pretend I got it right. But anyway the password system is perhaps one of the strangest I've ever seen. It's three images of a ranger, each with three selectable poses. So it's not really a password, it's more like a pass-pose. And if you try different combinations, you have a good chance of guessing.
The Nerd: Unlike the show, there was no American adaptation of this game for the NES. There was an unofficial cartridge that changed the title to Power Rangers, but the only difference is the label and the title screen, which glitches like crazy. (title screen glitches) But could you imagine, if there was a Power Rangers NES game that took stages from a Japanese game and added American stages just like they did with the show? To simulate this experience, just play something else like Family Feud, and then switch it to Super Sentai: Zyuranger. Yeah, it's pretty amazing how much mileage you can get from stock footage. You know what? To get through this video, I might as well use stock clips from past Nerd episodes.
(dies in-game, cuts to footage from the Top Gun episode)
The Nerd: AAAAASS!!!! FUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!! (dies in-game again, and another sound clip from the Top Gun episode plays) DIIIIIIIIEEEEEE!!!
(cut to a stock clip of The Nerd from the Dick Tracy episode chugging Rolling Rock, and doing a Mortal Kombat scream into a pillow)

The Nerd: The Famicom games are mediocre but not terrible. So let's step into 16-bit territory. [Places Mighty Morphin Power Rangers into the SNES, and turns it on.] Next up, Power Rangers on Super Nintendo. [16-Bit rendition of the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers theme song plays] Well hot damn, it has the theme song and it sounds pretty good. It even has vocals!
16-Bit Voice on game: [singing] ♪ Go, go, Power Rangers! ♪
The Nerd: You can select anybody from the initial Ranger lineup. Each one of them has their own fighting style, their own special moves, which actually makes it fun to try out all the different characters. It's just an average beat-'em-up game. All you do is run around and punch people, and it can get monotonous. But for the time period, it's good! Like Robin Hood. You start out in your regular clothes, then you power up in your Ranger suit. The only thing they slacked on was the Rangers all have the same exact body type, which is surreal to see Trini for example, turn from thin to muscular. Each Ranger has their unique weapon and a grand sweeping power move that wipes out everybody on screen. [Blue and Yellow Ranger power moves.] Yeah! But the game fights you back on it eventually with a giant laser that comes out of nowhere.
[Laser sound effect knocks out the Red Ranger and some Putties.]
The Nerd: Ugh. It's just like a giant middle finger saying, "Fuck youuuuu!" I hate this thing. [Laser knocks out Putties.] Oh, wait. It kills enemies too? Now I like it. And you power up your health with chicken legs. Save some for Simon Belmont.
The Nerd: It ends with a Megazord battle which is clunky and only a slight improvement over the battles in the Famicom game, but it looks great. For the time, this was very satisfactory. It was just like playing an episode of the show. Nothing much to get angry about here.
The Nerd: There's [Places "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie" into the SNES.] another one on Super Nintendo, Power Rangers: The Movie, the game, featuring Ivan Ooze. Remember that, because otherwise it has nothing to do with the movie. It's another beat-em-up, but there's this weird jumping thing you do to alternate between the background and foreground plane, like you have two separate two-dimensional planes that you walk on. Could they just take a hint from all the other beat-em-up games? But the big problem with this? It's way too hard. I had no problem finishing the other game, so why here can't I get through the first stage?

The Nerd: Let's check out Power Rangers on Sega Genesis. [Places Power Rangers into the Genesis.] Okay, so it's a Street Fighter style game, a shitty one that only uses two of the buttons. Yoga Fire! The problem here, once again, is the difficulty. The game just punishes you over and over again. It forces you into using cheap moves. Yeah, I'll just keep spinning around. How do you like that?
The Nerd: There's not much to say here. Back in the day, if you had nothing better to do, this wouldn't be so bad. Now, it's just like finding an old dried turd on a playground. Just forget about it. It no longer smells, it's not hurting anybody, it doesn't need to be tended to. Just walk away.
The Nerd: Then there's the Sega CD game. [Places Mighty Morphin Power Rangers into the Sega CD add-on.] Well, if you felt like watching the show in shit quality with a bunch of button commands on-screen, then this is the game for you. It's trying to be like the Dragon's Lair arcade or one of those types of games, but in Dragon's Lair, if you fail to press the button at the right time, you see a different outcome. A different video is loaded to show the character dying or whatever. Here, no matter what you do, the episode continues to play normally.
The Nerd: You think if you missed a button, the Power Rangers would get hit or something. They actually do get hit sometimes, but that happens either way. Whether or not it syncs up with what you're doing, is pure coincidence. All they did was take the show, and put a little button game on top of it. This is the cheapest way possible to turn a show into a game. That would be like watching an episode of Green Acres with button commands. [Scene from Green Acres with "A" and "right arrow" buttons and a power bar] What sense does that make? Wanna play Power Rangers on Sega CD? Just watch the show while playing Simon Says. At least it's not Simon's Quest.

The Nerd: All right, let's crank up that diarrhea dial. [Places "Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue" into the Nintendo 64.] Here's Power Rangers Lightspeed Rescue on Nintendo 64.
Female voice: 3-2-1. Go!
(Character lifts up a leg and shoots a projectile from between the legs, and the Nerd stifles laughter.)
The Nerd: Okay, first of all, I'm not trying to be vulgar...but what does that look like? You shoot laser projectiles out your vagina! Yeah, I had to double-check that it was the Yellow Ranger because it looks more like the Mustard Shit-Stained Ranger.
The Nerd: The objective is to clean up green slime. Nice. That's appealing. I thought that Superman had it bad having to go around flying through rings all day. The Power Rangers have to clean up nasty mucus. At least there's enemies to fight, but even that is boring. All you do is run and shoot. Most of the buttons do nothing. There's no jump, no crouch, no side-step, nothing like that. This is a game that was designed to be played on an Atari controller. You can even run through enemies. Yeah! Mow 'em down!
[enemy in-game grunts]
The Nerd: Oh, look. They're coming out of the walls. It's like the Twilight Zone. And when you run behind the buildings, they vanish from reality, but not completely. They become a shadow of their former existence. Yeah. Ever had that happen? Happens to my house all the time.
The Nerd: It's a very spacious game. There's no hallways or boundaries to guide you around. If you run in any direction, it'll be minutes before something eventually blocks your path. How far do these boundaries go? I just keep running, and running, and running, and running--
[The Whos from How the Grinch Stole Christmas appear, surprising the Nerd]
The Nerd: And for whatever reason they didn't know how to loop the music, so instead it abruptly stops and starts up again. [Music ends, pauses, and starts up again.] It's a very jarring shift in tone. Not to mention, it's the same music the entire game. Oh, except the title screen, which is repeated for the cut scenes and all that. So only two music tracks total. After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
Voice in game: [exclaims] Over here! All right!
The Nerd: [sarcastically] "Love" hearin' those voices over and over again.
Voice in game: Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
The Nerd: "Over here!" "All right!" "Over here!" "All right!" "Over here!" "All right!" "OVER HERE!!!" "ALL RIGHT!"
The Nerd: Next there's an awkward Megazord fight where you battle against a semi-invisible monster. It's all in first-person view; except when you manage to get close, it switches to third-person. But it's hard to stay close, so it switches back and forth. [game switches to first-person] [groans] It's morphine time. I need some morphine.
The Nerd: Then you get these flying stages. Again the goal is to rescue people. Not much to say.
[Runs out of time and "MISSION FAILED" appears.]
Audience voice: Awww!
The Nerd: So overall there's only 4 types of stages, at least from what I've seen, and the problem with this game is that it's too simple. N64 was capable of a lot more. [sighs] It's bad, but in a boring way. I've seen worse. See, my standards are much lower. It's not making obnoxious screeching sounds, you don't die in one hit and have to start the whole thing over, it doesn't glitch so bad you can't play it, you don't have to drive a bus for 8 hours, it's not bright red and you have to hold it up to your eyes, it's actually like a game, just a real boring one. So, I don't know, I'm not really feeling the anger too much with this one. I wasn't going to stoop this low, but let's try out the Game Boy versions. So here's Power Rangers on Game Boy. [places Power Rangers into Super Game Boy]

The Nerd: Well, it's basically the same thing as the Super Nintendo version, so I'm not really going to pick it apart. And what's the point? Of course it's going to be worse on Game Boy. And don't get me wrong. There's lots of great exclusive games on Game Boy, like Link's Awakening, for example. The keyword here is "exclusive." I need to find something that isn't trying to be like the Super Nintendo version. (the screen changes to the Game Over screen) Something different. (Power Ranger punches "NO" button) But, okay. That's weird. That's the most confusing continue screen I've ever seen.
The Nerd: So, I punched the word "NO" away so tha-that mean I picked "Yes" because "No" got punched away, or does that mean the word I punched is the word I p--? [title screen appears] Yeah, yeah. I picked "No". Fuck.

The Nerd: Okay, (places Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie into the Super Game Boy) so let's try out Power Rangers: The Movie, the Game Boy game. All right, this one is different. An exclusive game, but is it exclusively bad? Well, let me ask: If this follows the movie, the Yellow Ranger would be Aisha, not Trini, which means they got the skin color wrong. But it is Game Boy, and the reason I even know it's the Yellow Ranger is because these games were optimized for the Super Game Boy with their own color design and border graphics. Otherwise, take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? (shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen) The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.
The Nerd: The gameplay is pretty much the same as most of the other side-scrolling Ranger games. You choose a Ranger, choose a stage, take out enemies, move to the right, get in the Ranger suit, fight a boss, and so on. But the shit-factor skyrockets when you get an assful of bad hit detection, unresponsive jumping, awkward jump-punching, cheap boss battles, and randomly changing rules.
The Nerd: Let me explain here. There's a stage where you get in a mine cart, or stand on top of it. Classic. Imagine this Ranger doing his grocery shopping. [cut to a scene inside a grocery store with the Ranger standing on the shopping cart.] Does he stand on the shopping cart? Let me know if you've seen anybody doing that.
The Nerd: Anyway, when you're standing on the cart, the D-pad controls the cart's movement from left to right. But as soon as another cart shows up, it changes. Now the D-pad makes you [Blue Ranger falls off the cart and dies.] walk off the cart, which results instantly in death. I fell 2 feet from the ground. How do you die? Couldn't it just take a little bit of health away? Why does it have to kill you?
The Nerd: You're supposed to jump to the second cart, which requires precision, timing, and distance. Naturally, you're going to push right while you're jumping, but pushing right will make you walk off the cart and die. Your sudden instincts make you want to control the cart to get to the correct distance, you're so used to controlling the cart, it comes unexpected when all of a sudden you walk off and die. If you're still touching the D-pad when that second cart shows up, you die. If you let the carts touch, you die. Jump too soon, you die. Jump too late, you die, you fucking die, and now you know the type of anger I'm talking about.
The Nerd: Hey. Name one game where the punch and kick alternates back and forth automatically. Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie on Game Boy. When you hit the button, it's a punch. Hit it again, it's a kick. Then it's a punch, a kick, a punch, a kick. You try to attack, but you end up doing the wrong move. You'll never know if it's going to be a punch or a kick unless you keep track the whole time.
The Nerd: This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon.
The Nerd: The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT! (Ranger dies) FUUUUCK!!!
The Nerd: (removes the Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie cartridge from the Super Game Boy, to the tune of the "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers" theme song) Oooh! Now I'm angry. Now that's what I'm talkin' about, you fuckin' game! Is that the way you like it? That's the way you're gonna get it.
[puts "Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie" for Game Boy on ground]
The Nerd: [poses] Power Glove Power! [Power Glove explodes out of a volcano] Power Pad Power! [Power Pad flies out of a snowy mountainside] LaserScope Power! [The Konami LaserScope rises out of a desert] U-Force Power! [U-Force explodes out of a volcano] Roll 'n Rocker Power! [The Roll 'n Rocker flies out of the treetops]
[The Power Glove, Power Pad, U-Force, and LaserScope fly toward the Nerd and attach. The Super Scope flies toward the Nerd, who grabs it out of the air. The Roll 'n Rocker flies toward the Nerd, which he steps on and moves angrily to the game. The Nerd swings the SuperScope at the game, and the scene changes back to the room with a light smash breaking the game.]
The Nerd: Yeah...you fuckin' game. [trips over the Roll 'n Rocker and falls over.]

Sonic '06[edit]

Planet of the Apes[edit]

The Nerd: Well, it's one of those "where the fuck do you go?" kind of games...

The Nerd: OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!

Game Boy Accessories[edit]

The Nerd: This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? STD?! WHO IN THE RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY "STD"?!

The Nerd: (on Game Boy accessories) But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. The PediSedate. This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that gasses you! Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' Dr. Mario! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the Game Boy Dog Turd Collector. But nothing I can make up can top this! And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!! I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!! BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B- I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!

Treasure Master[edit]

Wrestling Games[edit]

The Nerd: Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!

The Nerd: Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]

The Nerd: Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!

The Nerd: Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. [Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for "World Wrestling Federation." Now it's WWE, which stands for "World Wrestling Entertainment."] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying "FUCK YOU!")

Polybius[edit]

The Nerd: On the Internet, anybody can say anything without any basis of fact. The Internet is made up of 90% prime-cut, free-range, Grade-B bullshit. In fact, when a bull takes a shit, it decomposes into digital matter which evaporates into cyber airwaves and becomes internet. Now you know.

The Nerd: (after unsuccessfully trying to escape) The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! (crying) I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [sobs] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
(The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)

Todd Tuckey: What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. (picks up camera) Well, there's the game. (static interspersed with Todd screaming)

Robocop NES Games[edit]

Sonic '06 (Part 2)[edit]

The Nerd: Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!

Charlie’s Angels (GameCube)[edit]

Charlie: Good morning, Nerd.
The Nerd: Who said that?
Charlie: Down here, Nerd.
The Nerd: The fuck is that thing?
Charlie: It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
The Nerd: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
Charlie: Why don't you take a look at the game first?
The Nerd: Oh yeah. Charlie's Angels: the Movie the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
Charlie: Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
The Nerd: Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. We're reachin' here! And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?

The Nerd: It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game that's literally ASS!

Charlie: I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
The Nerd: And why would I love that?
Charlie: Because... you're a piece of shit!

Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi[edit]

(the Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia)

The Nerd: What? JIZZ!? 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. (flips to another page) Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!

Lightspan Adventures[edit]

The Nerd: Let's learn some motherfucking math! On the move!

Season Nine[edit]

EarthBound[edit]

(on the game's oversized box)
The Nerd: Your MOM has an oversized box!

(Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)
The Nerd: LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!

Mr. Rigs: That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
The Nerd's Shit: Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
The Nerd: Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.

Dirty Harry[edit]

The Nerd: While the movie was Dirty Harry, the game... was just straight-up filthy.

The Nerd: (at the title screen) It opens with the classic line from Sudden Impact.
Harry Callahan: Go ahead. Make my day.

The Nerd: This game is yet another one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.

The Nerd: I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?

Drake of the 99 Dragons[edit]

The Nerd: (meditating to ethnic music) ...Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
The Nerd: This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol-wielding, trench-coat-wearing late 90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!

The Nerd: But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass tank fuckin' controller, and let's get started... 'cause it's gonna get fucked.
The Nerd: I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least once and say, "This controls like ass."

The Nerd: (on the cutscenes) Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. (As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)

(After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)
Statue: There's no cure for stupidity beyond death.
The Nerd: Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!

The Nerd: (waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building) O-Oh, come on! I-I could build a sculpture of a horse, takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there.

The Nerd: This is where the problems in the game really mount up, and it just builds inside you with all this rage, and you become, just boiling so fuckin' hot! It's not like you're in hell; you've BECOME hell! Bad people die and they go into YOU!

The Nerd: (fighting a boss) And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuuuuck!
The Nerd: So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... (gets hit by a train and dies) HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a fuckin' game?! (stammers and briefly meditates)

Tomb Raider Games[edit]

Guitar Guy: ♪ He's the Angry... Video Game... Nerd. ♪
[Tomb Raider theme music plays in the background]
The Nerd: I have a confession: I totally missed out on the Tomb Raider craze. Full disclosure: I saved all my money for a Nintendo 64, so I missed out on all the PlayStation games that everybody talks about, like Metal Gear Solid, Symphony of the Night, Final Fantasy VII, and yes, Tomb Raider. In the mid-'90s and early 2000s, Tomb Raider was one of the biggest game franchises. Every year, we got a new Tomb Raider game. I can see why people liked it. It revolutionized 3D platforming, the same way Super Mario 64 did. The puzzles were fun, the settings were cool, the music was atmospheric, and the action was top-notch for the time.
The Nerd: Seemed like the only thing bigger than the games, was its star, Lara Croft. [Hydlide theme music plays] Lara Croft was basically Indiana Jones for the '90s. You thought Indy was badass? Lara goes from fighting wolves and dinosaurs, to mummies, and eventually skinless Atlantean demons straight from a Clive Barker movie. Oh, and bats. She also fights bats. Can't forget those.
[Tomb Raider theme music resumes]
The Nerd: Lara Croft's popularity took the world by storm. She was the first female game protagonist to get this kind of attention. Her fame transcended the games, and she ended up being on the cover of magazines, and even the spokesperson for products. I'm not kidding. She was in car commercials, soda commercials, and an ad for Visa! Seems like the world was obsessed with Lara Croft. Even in the early episodes, when I always had that [The Legend of] Zelda poster, on the other side, Lara was here, all along. I'm not sure why everyone was into Lara Croft, but I can guess a couple of reasons. These days, she still appears in games, and even had a few movies based off her. Her fame might not be as big as it was back then, but it's clear she will still be kickin' ass in video games for a long time.
The Nerd: But they can't all be hits, and that's why I'm gonna go on a journey to find the worst Tomb Raider games ever made. Now, you gotta pack, because when you're dealin' with shitty games, you gotta really be prepared for these. [he packs several firearms into a backpack] Because these games, who knows how bad they're gonna be? I mean, we might find some vile fuckin' crap here! So, you gotta bring all the necessities here!
[he manages to stuff several rifles, and even a bazooka into the backpack, and sets off. An ancient temple. Beside is a building with "CORE" on the front. The Nerd goes into a cave, pulls a lever which opens a secret passage. In a cavern, he finds Tomb Raider Chronicles sitting on one of the stones. As he picks it up, a shark bursts out of the water, roaring, and the Nerd just punches it out.]
The Nerd: So here's Tomb Raider Chronicles, the fifth in the series, but the first to fail critically and financially. The game opens with Lara's funeral, yeah, that's right, the last game ended with her dying. The developers were tired of doing Tomb Raider, and hoped the fourth game would be the end. Well, maybe if I killed off my character, I wouldn't have to review any more shitty games. Ah, just kiddin'. Not yet. The game centers around a group of her friends sharing stories of her adventures. After that, we get a loading screen where I noticed something interesting: There's a credit for Timex. Yeah, Timex, the watch company. What, did they make this game on a ZX Spectrum? Oh, here's why. It's an ad, for a grip-clip watch. Lara uses it in the game to keep track of her time and progress. So right away, this game just sells out with the product placement!
The Nerd: [quoting Garth Algar] It's like people only do things because they get paid. And that's just really sad.
The Nerd: The first story is about Lara tryin' to find the Philosopher's Stone in Rome. It starts off with a quick reminder of the basic controls and introduces new mechanics like parallel bar swinging and tightrope walking. Other than that, it's the same old thing. Everything looks and feels like the previous games, right down to Lara's outfit. Although her shorts are see-through, now, for some reason. You go around, find keys, flip switches, and kill some gargoyles and a crazy-squid-thing that shoots lasers. You even get to fight a couple statues that look like Talos from Jason and the Argonauts.
The Nerd: It gets kinda confusing when gladiators show up. Are these gladiators left over from the Roman Empire, have they just been hangin' out down here for thousands of years, or are they just employees at the Colosseum, dressed as gladiators? I hope not, because you shoot the hell outta them. Damn. Hate to see Lara at a Renaissance Fair.
The Nerd: Chronicles is just a soulless rehash of the other games and a shameless advertisement for a watch no-one remembers. I don't know what else to say about it, so, I'll just quote one of the developers of the game. "Tomb Raider 5 was effectively a load of old SHIT. That was the most depressing one for us. We were effectively just doing that for a paycheck because no other team wanted to take it on. So we had to do it, basically. By that time it had taken its toll. Three years of hammering it, and we were burn out. That shows in the product."
The Nerd: [shocked chuckle] Oh, my God. This might be the first time someone who made the game reviewed it for me. Huh. [tosses the game into the pool and moves on. In a room filled with skulls, a skeleton sits holding the next game, Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness. The Nerd tries to take it, but it's stuck. He pulls the skeleton's arm off and it growls and approaches him menacingly, but The Nerd just shoots it down with a Sub-Machine Gun.]
The Nerd: So here it is, the Holy Grail of shitty Tomb Raider games: Angel of Darkness. It was so bad, it killed the studio making it, and nearly killed the whole franchise.
The Nerd: This was the first Tomb Raider game on the PS2. It was gonna usher Lara Croft into a new age, with a bigger, better adventure. There would be larger environments, and more stuff to do. It would be a whole new game. Or it would've been, if the development wasn't such a disaster.
The Nerd: The problems start right at the beginning: The opening cutscene introduces Lara in a dark office where her associate [Werner Von Croy] gets killed by someone off-screen. This is how you open your fun action-adventure game? By ripping off Clue? Compare this to the first game, which opens in an exotic location, and has Lara murdering fucking wolves. But then Angel of Darkness starts off with a tutorial, and you better not fuck up, because if you die without saving, you start at the beginning.
The Nerd: And I don't mean "The beginning of the level", I mean "The beginning of the whole game." No checkpoints, nothing, so get used to saving.
The Nerd: Save after every puzzle, save after every enemy, and save after every jump. Uhh, and the jumping; You would think, since this is PS2, the controls would be better than PS1. But you'd be wrong. They're extremely clunky, and that's the reason why you die so much. Y'know what would've been nice? A training section where I could practice these new controls without affecting the main game. Y'know, like the Croft Manor section in the old games.
[in Tomb Raider II, Lara locks Winston into the freezer]
Winston: Uhh.
The Nerd: Oh, and this is one of those PS2 games where you have to use an older TV, because if it's on HDTV, it's so dark, you can't see anything, unless you turn the brightness all the way up, black out your windows, and then shoot a rocket into the Sun, covering the whole Solar System in darkness, and then maybe, you'll be able to see somethin'.
The Nerd: I'm not kidding. This one jump took me 20 to 30 minutes because I couldn't see there was a ledge to grab on to. I had to turn the brightness all the way up. Yeah, it's no wonder why they called this, "Angel of Darkness."
The Nerd: You'll also notice some of this footage looks like it's in slow motion. I thought maybe it was some "Bullet Time" or Max Payne shit, but no, the game will randomly slow down. One part was entirely slow-mo unless I was jumping. But even when it's running at the right speed, Lara still feels too slow.
The Nerd: In fact, this entire game makes Lara weaker. And the reason for that was because, originally, it was supposed to have a progression system, where you level up. So, as the game goes on, you gain more abilities. But, unfortunately, that got cut.
The Nerd: Now, you have to reach a certain point in the game to get a new ability. Climbing this wall will make you be able to climb longer. Moving this box will give you the ability to move two boxes. Kicking a huge metal drawbridge will give you the ability to open a small door. That doesn't even make any sense! The creators spent so much time figuring out how to make Lara's boobs jiggle, they forgot to make her fun to play. By the way, the camera in this game sucks. It constantly fucks you up and makes jumping difficult. At one point, the camera goes into Lara's head, and it's one of the most horrifying images I've seen!
[intense horror scream]
The Nerd: In the words of one of the people who made the game: "The camera was just a complete pig." [nods in agreement] Yeah, that's one way to put it.
The Nerd: One of the new things this game intended to introduce was stealth. I'm not sure why, though. There's no penalty for not being stealthy. I could probably sneak up on some people...or, I can just easily kill them. Why introduce stealth if it was gonna be optional? I guess one of the new things introduced that kind of works is the dialogue trees. At least with this first one, your decision affects the game.
The Nerd: Now we finally get to the Paris level, which was meant to be this big big open world with many things to interact with. But unfortunately, it just turned into a big empty wasteland. Whatever was meant to be in the Paris level must've been big, because you can't go five feet without the game loading the next area. You turn into an alley, load. You walk up a staircase, load. You walk from one end of the street to another, load! Load, load, load!! TOO MANY FUCKIN' LOADS!!!
The Nerd: There's a store you can go in, when asking people how to get into a nightclub. You have one conversation, and never go back to this place again. This was supposed to be a place that you'd come back to, later in the game, but everything was removed, except this one scene. Then there's the... boxing match. It doesn't matter who you picked, because the winner is totally random. Sometimes the game glitches and they don't fight at all. Just keep reloading until the person you picked wins. And what do ya get outta this?
Lara Croft: I bet all the cash in my pocket, against your fancy gold watch, that I can pick the best fighter.
The Nerd: A watch? That you can sell? This? I don't need this lousy stinkin' Timex watch!!
The Nerd: So here's a weird thing I found: there's this guy in the park, you walk up to 'im, and he just says the same thing, over and over.
Strange Man: "Leave me alone. I'm busy." "Leave me alone. I'm busy."
4th Wall Breaker Nerd: Busy? Busy doin' what? Starin' at a wall?
The Nerd: A guy standing in the park, all by himself, saying he's busy. He looks like the least busy person in the world!
The Nerd: That's all he says. Turns out, he's one of two people who help you get into the club. I talked to someone else first, so that triggers this guy to just say the same thing, over and over.
Strange Man: "Leave me alone. I'm busy."
The Nerd: Eventually, I got into the nightclub where I noticed two more glitches: While climbing the light fixtures, I randomly just started climbing on to thin air. Yeah. This kind of floating happens a couple times. I once even got stuck in the air, split in two, and started phasing in and out of reality! The next glitch is more common: If you think you're about to die, it's faster to just pause and restart from your last save. But if you pause in the middle of Lara's death scream, you'll get this.
[Lara's death scream looped over and over.]
The Nerd: Ah! Ahh-! I-- It just drills on your ears! It-like...you're gonna be hearin' that in your nightmares! Hey, have you noticed anything in these levels? I'm raiding, apartments, churches, nightclubs? Shouldn't I be raiding... tombs? I haven't seen a single tomb yet. I made it to a graveyard, but all they had were crypts. Instead, I have to go to the Louvre, and kill some security guards. I'm not even sure if they're bad guys, but the game doesn't penalize me for killing them. Maybe Lara's just a violent murderer.
The Nerd: Eventually, you go underground, and actually find a tomb. Wow. It's broken up into four parts: Earth, Wind, Water, and Fire. This is the only part in the game, so far, that actually feels like Tomb Raider. And... they still fuck it up.
[Lara is incinerated by a fire-blowing knight]
The Nerd: The Water Level has these spikes that come outta nowhere. After making a careful jump in the Fire Level, a rock will shoot you into the air. Or, you'll just die for no reason. In the Wind Level, I went to jump on a log, and instead, fell through it.
[more of Lara's death scream]
The Nerd: Fuck!
The Nerd: Tomb Raider games are known for secret areas, and I found one here, but it's not because I found a clue, or scaled some wall or somethin', no. It's because the game glitched.
The Nerd: Next, you go back to the Louvre, which is full of toxic gas. Lara needs to run to a cabinet and grab a gas mask, but the people she's killing along the way have gas masks. Why can't I just take their's? Why are they over-complicating this?
[Menacing music plays as Lara is held at gunpoint by a mysterious man named Kurtis Trent.]
The Nerd: Who the fuck is this guy, and why are they giving him so much attention? And why does he have the Glaive from Krull?
[Kurtis kicks a prisoner zombie repeatedly]
The Nerd: Why am I playing as him? Y'know, they couldn't even get Lara Croft right. Why should I be excited about playing as this asshole?
The Nerd: Believe it or not, his controls are clunkier than Lara's, and he's even less fun to play. Everything about him is lame, his hair, his soul patch, and his dumbass mind powers that let him see stuff around corners or in other rooms.
[Suddenly the floor opens up. The Nerd hangs on to the PS2 which is now hanging over a lava pit.]
The Nerd: [desperately] I need to finish it! I need to finish the game! [a bearded guy appears from the side]
Bearded Man: Junior, let it go.
The Nerd: But I'm so close. I'm so close. I can finish it.
Bearded Man: Nerd... [whispers] ...let it go.
The Nerd: [concedes] You're right. Fuck the shitty game. [drops the PS2 into the lava pit.]
The Nerd: So, the whole story is, the game was rushed out, unfinished, it failed, and then Core Design, the company who originally made Tomb Raider, shut down.
The Nerd: It was so bad, that Paramount blamed it for Tomb Raider: Cradle of Life's low box-office.
[wah-wah-wah-wah music plays as Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life's low box office return is shown]
The Nerd: Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider movies aren't called Tomb Raider? They're officially called Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, Tomb Raider, unless the real title was supposed to be: Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX. But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?
The Nerd: Anyway, it was the end of an era, but my journey leads to one last game. One almost forgotten, like the shit you took last month.
[A decaying set of buildings is the next backdrop. The Nerd goes over to the Nokia N-GAGE and picks it up]
The Nerd: The Nokia N-GAGE. Nokia's attempt to mix a phone with a gaming system.
The Nerd: These days, it's common to play a game on your phone, but back then options were... kinda limited, but Nokia was here to change that. They had a pretty impressive catalog, too. Stuff like Call of Duty, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater, and, of course, Tomb Raider.
The Nerd: Before we play the game, we have to put it in! Right? No problem, let's just pop the back off the phone, then ya pull out the battery. Hmm. I hope no one tries to call me while I'm doin' this.
[cut back to the Nerd's house]
Shit Pickle: Shit Pickle, Shit Pickle, Shit Pickle.
[The Nerd's room is occupied by Shit Pickle, Super Mecha Death Christ, the Glitch Gremlin, the Charlie voicebox, and Munky Cheez.]
Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS! FUCKERS!
Munky Cheez: MON! KEY! CHEEEEEEEEEEEZ!
[Cut back to Nerd.]
The Nerd: So, then, we insert the SD card, pop the battery back in, put the case back on, and we're ready.
The Nerd: Well... it's Tomb Raider. That's what it is. It's a remake [de-port] of the first game, only adjusted to fit on to the N-GAGE. The animated cutscenes are removed and replaced with text over static images. They also got rid of the music. All you hear now is footsteps, gunshots, and enemies growling.
[Lara shoots her gun, and the wolf yelps and dies.]
The Nerd: I gotta admit, it's pretty impressive how they were able to fit the whole PS1 game on to a tiny SD card back then.
The Nerd: It has all the same moves from the first game. One annoying difference is that when you press forward, Lara will keep running until you stop her, or she hit something. It makes timing jumps real difficult. And the camera is... mildly shitty. Early PlayStation games didn't have the best graphics, and they got even worse when you shrink 'em down. I'm not sure why they didn't just port one of the 2D Game Boy games instead.
The Nerd: Well, it was an interesting experiment, but ultimately a failure. The N-GAGE couldn't compete with the Game Boy Advance, and eventually faded into obscurity.
[suddenly, the temple starts to shake; explosion.]
The Nerd: Oh, shit!
[a golden dragon swoops down, roaring; more explosions]
Strange Golden Dragon: Leave me alone. I'm busy.
[the Nerd starts firing pistols, and the golden dragon explodes and dies causing more shaking]
The Nerd: Ah-- FUUUUCCCK!
[the Nerd gets buried in rubble. Cut to Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Angel of Darkness pause screen. Nerd shouts "FUUU--!" repeatedly, like Lara's death scream glitch]
The Nerd: FUUUUCCCK!

Resident Evil Survivor[edit]

The Nerd: This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.

(after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original Resident Evil)
The Nerd: You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some Resident Evil: Survivor, have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.

The Nerd: So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!

Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide[edit]

The Nerd: Eight years ago, I played the first Hydlide. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other Hydlide games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! HYDLIDE! (vomits both sequels)

The Nerd: Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.

The Nerd: "It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit, itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped)." So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!

The Nerd: Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking "Congratulations!" screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, Virtual Hydlide is literally "Bullshit". Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a "Conglaturation!!!" message)

Amiga CD³²™[edit]

Nerd: (unable to play the CD³²) Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.

Nerd: (playing Dangerous Streets) Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy TAKIN' A SHIT!

Nerd: (playing Gloom) You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a spoof?! Like PO'ed? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a parody! This one, it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit Doom knockoff!

Nerd: (playing Bubba 'n Stix) The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from Oscar. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!

James: (receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the Surf Ninjas game) This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
Nerd: Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
James: Sure thing! Go right ahead.
Nerd: Have you ever watched the movie, Surf Ninjas?
James: Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in Street Fighter: The Movie? That would explain all the blue camouflage--
Nerd: Okay, okay, look, look, look, look! I just wanna ask a fuckin' question! In the movie, Surf Ninjas, does anybody rip someone's heart out? Kano style?
James: Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
Nerd: (hangs up abruptly) See, I knew it!
James: Hello? Hello? (hangs up phone) Wow! what an asshole!

The Town With No Name[edit]

The Nerd: You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because this thing, needs to be destroyed, for real; I'm not jokin' around. I'm goin' practical! I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal!
(in the backyard, 'Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD32 on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console)
The Nerd: HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?

Home Alone[edit]

The Nerd: (looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy) What's this?
Pizza Boy: A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
The Nerd: You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
(He opens the pizza box to find Home Alone games on different consoles.)
The Nerd: Oh, not funny.
Pizza Boy: Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
The Nerd: No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
Pizza Boy: That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
The Nerd: I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
Pizza Boy: No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
The Nerd: Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
Pizza Boy: Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
The Nerd: Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!

The Nerd: (covering the PS2 Home Alone game) The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
Pizza Boy: Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
The Nerd: It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. (holding the case) Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.

The Nerd: (playing the SNES Home Alone game) The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
Pizza Boy: Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
The Nerd: The items are found in the most random places, (sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet) like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
Pizza Boy: (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
The Nerd: (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
Pizza Boy: Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
The Nerd: You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
Pizza Boy: Yeah.
The Nerd: Pizza?
Pizza Boy: You've never had toilet pizza?
The Nerd: Yeah.
Pizza Boy: Yeah.
The Nerd: Pizza shit.

Pizza Boy: Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? "Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!" I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like "I wanna play with myself, all day long!"Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right? But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (begins crying) What am I gonna do?!
The Nerd: Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (rips of name tag) You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' Home Alone games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (screams a la Kevin)
Culkin: Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?

Culkin: (playing the SNES Home Alone 2 game) Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!

Culkin: (while battling Harry and Marv at the tree) Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
The Nerd: "Demonic evil tree"? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
Culkin: It was a long time ago.
The Nerd: I know, I know, it's--
Culkin: DON'T TOUCH ME!

The Nerd: (playing Home Alone 2 for Genesis) Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
Culkin: I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? "Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!" Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
The Nerd: At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, "What the fuck?"

Culkin: This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
The Nerd: Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
Culkin: Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
The Nerd: (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
Culkin: No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
The Nerd: Naw, I-- No I don't....
Culkin: No....
The Nerd: And that's from the web series that brought you "Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!"

Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline[edit]

Video Game Magazines[edit]

Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES)[edit]

The Nerd: Aladdin just took an upper decker in my toilet!

The Nerd: Upgrade your Nintendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke.

Pepsiman (PS1)[edit]

The Nerd: (given the PS1 Pepsiman game) Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like i could play like Cool Spot. (Cool Spot is turned into Pepsiman) Oh, come on! Oh well, i could always play Chester Cheetah! (Chester Cheetah is turned into Pepsiman) Aw! Well how 'bout uh... Big Bumpin? (Big Bumpin' is turned into Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... Kool-Aid Man? (Kool-Aid Man is turned into Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play Pepsiman! (Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly) Okay, Jeez! I'll play Pepsiman!

Superman 64 Returns!![edit]

The Nerd: Time to do a super game! Super Mario 64!
[BZZZ!]
The Nerd: No!!
The Nerd: That's right. It's back.
The Nerd: I already played this game. I already showed you how bad it is. But it gets worse. Much worse.
The Nerd: First, a little background: I complained already, they should have used the Superman theme, y'know, by John Williams. But I didn't know at the time, this was based on the Superman animated series. It was the second in what's often called the Timmverse, or DC animated universe, which consisted of the highly acclaimed Batman: The Animated Series, The New Batman Adventures, Batman Beyond, Static Shock The Zeta Project, which absolutely no-one remembers, then finally, Justice League and Justice League Unlimited, with a few features sprinkled here and there. Superman: The Animated Series helped bring a lot of the mythology from the comics to a whole new audience. Characters who were often excluded from previous TV or film incarnations finally got more attention, and have since gained popularity and shown up in other shows and movies. It was regarded as a great series, so it's surprising it led to one of the worst games ever made.
The Nerd: Alright, enough of the history lesson. Let's get on with this shit.
The Nerd: So, here's an interesting detail I missed before: The story of the game is that Lex Luthor has hidden Louis Lane, Jimmy Olsen and Emil Hamilton in his virtual world. That's right, this entire video game takes place inside... a video game.
The Nerd: You'd think a genius like Lex Luthor would use his ability to create anything in a virtual world, and come up with some crazy obstacles or enemies for Superman to face. So what did he decide on?
The Nerd: You know.
The Nerd: Rings.
The Nerd: Yeah. Not messin' around this time.
The Nerd: So pickin' up from last time, after another round of rings, I have to fight a few Shadow Men.
The Nerd: Alright, I'm gonna land... and just punch 'em. Ah, I can't land 'cuz they're under me!
The Nerd: Oh, a- and now I'm through the floor?!
The Nerd: [stammering] And then- then- o- oh yeah, yeah of course, ah- yeah, I- I should have expected something like that.
The Nerd: These guys are not hard to take out, but I can't land! When you're not flying at full speed... you just hover. I can't get to the last guy in time!
The Nerd: Aagh, fuck!
The Nerd: Finally, I'm able to punch all 'em and get through another round of rings, and then I end up having to save three people from... tornadoes.
The Nerd: This should be really easy, you should just be able to use your super breath! No! He has no super breath! He just blows!
The Nerd: Oh, you have to collect your superpowers! Ooh, okay!
The Nerd: So I get the super breath, I go to the tornado, but I can't slow down in time! By the time I activate my power, the tornado's too far away! And kills people!
The Nerd: One time I was lucky enough to get both tornadoes in time, at the right point, and blow them away. But guess what? These tornadoes come back, as the final boss in another Superman game!
The Nerd: Now I'm in sort of a dam! Goddamn dam.
The Nerd: These levels are nothing but mazes full of backtracking. Y'gotta throw robots and cardboard boxes into lasers, find the keycard, go back to the beginning, flick a switch on a computer, blow up more robots, avoid a giant electric eel, drain the dam, and then a guy tells you to disarm some bombs before the clock runs out. Gee, where have I heard that one before.
The Nerd: Luckily, you could pick up the super speed powerup. That should help.
[wooshing]
The Nerd: [gasping]
The Nerd: Ho-- oh dear. Uh-- where am I, the Phantom Zone?
The Nerd: Hoo gee, and you have to start the whole level over, because there's no checkpoints!
The Nerd: On the way to the bombs, you have a boss fight with Mala. She was like the cartoon's version of Ursa from Superman II.
The Nerd: Alright, here we go! Get ready for this epic boss battle!
[THWACK!]
[BIFF!]
The Nerd: Well, that was anticlimactic.
The Nerd: Y'know it's bad when the level enemies are harder than the boss.
The Nerd: Let's see what's next! What could possibly follow that up?
SUPERMAN: "Then there's no time to waste!"
The Nerd: No... No way!
The Nerd: [laughing hysterically]
The Nerd: [laughter turns to sobbing]
The Nerd: [sobbing turns to weeping]
The Nerd: Oooh no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!
The Nerd: You know what's a scary thought? What if this was some kid's first exposure to Superman? Maybe they got the game for Christmas or their birthday or somethin', they hear about this awesome guy who can do anything, and then they pop the game in, and it's nothing but FUCKIN' RINGS! This would ruin the character of Superman for anybody!
The Nerd: If the rings weren't enough to do it for ya, this weird 3D face will.
The Nerd: Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! Second-ugliest.
The Nerd: Alright, now I'm at this puzzle - yeah, a puzzle - where I have to use different computers to make these letters say 'LUTHOR'. I'm sure there's probably some pattern or strategy, but all I did was keep clicking until it got solved. Not sure how I did it, and... I don't care.
The Nerd: Now we get to Luthor's office, where we fight Brainiac, one of the most badass Superman villains! He let Krypton die, has knowledge from worlds all over the universe, can shoot blasts of energy from his hands, and once mind-controlled Batman! This is definitely gonna be a good boss fight!
[punching noises]
[glass shattering]
The Nerd: Is it too much to ask for? Just to have one decent boss fight? I mean, th- the levels are so complex, I mean- don't you think a good boss fight would have made it all worthwhile? Somebody didn't think so. Hey, y'know what? At least it's not rings.
SUPERMAN: "Then there's no time to waste!"
The Nerd: FUUUUUCK!!
The Nerd: You wanna know the worst thing about these ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map, for no god damn mother FUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.
The Nerd: The next level, you have to save Lois from Metallo. It's more of the same: Throw boxes, kill shadow people, fight robots, figure out bullshit puzzles. The hard part's when you have to escort Lois out of the level You'd think it'd be easy, just pick 'er up and fly, right? Heh... no. She has to run. Oh- oh, did I say 'run'? I wish! She sprints for a second, gets to a hallway, and then sloooowly strolls the rest of the way.
The Nerd: Move! Move!! Oh c'mon, move!
The Nerd: You can't even run ahead, just a little bit, and take out some shadow guys before she reaches them! If you get too far away, a shadow guy will spawn in front of her. And I'm so sick of saying 'shadow guy'.
The Nerd: So you're forced to watch her take every step toward the exit, which feels like it's 10,000 miles away!
The Nerd: Okay, time to fight Metallo! A cybernetic creep with the brain of a mercenary and a heart made of kryptonite! Let's see how much of a challenge he is!
[punching sounds]
The Nerd: Again?
SUPERMAN: "Then there's no time to waste!"
The Nerd: AGAIN?!
The Nerd: [screams]
The Nerd: So then you get to this parking garage stage, and it's a huge pile of ass! No, really, this thing is a shit behemoth! Really, it's like a moldy turd! I'd rather be impaled by a piss icicle! On top of that, there's a time limit, and kryptonite that's slowly killing you!
The Nerd: Oooh, time to take on Darkseid! Now he's the strongest of Superman's opponents in the cartoon, so, let's see what's gonna happen here! Ooh boy, this is gonna be some serious shit!
[CRASH!]
The Nerd: Glitched. Again? Now I gotta play that whole maze all over? Man, this game is such shit. I'd rather lick the asshole of a Thanagarian Snare Beast!
The Nerd: So, rinse and repeat, here we go, Darkseid again! Oh wait, I have that heat vision, lemme try that... Okay, this is working... Uh- alright, I'm gonna have to use my fist here... Oh, okay, come ba- Oh, right, there he is!
The Nerd: Alright, I got 'im! Oh, wait a minute... Huh. I have to drag 'im to the police now.
The Nerd: Yeaaah! Darkseid, the ruler of Apokolips, commander of armies of Parademons, a new god who can shoot Omega Beams from his eyes...! is just gonna go to the regular police. Yeah, throw 'im in a cell with Bruno Mannheim. He'll be fine.
The Nerd: And then after another round of rings... yeah, y'know, I'm gettin' used to it at this point. I get to this level where I have to rescue Emil Hamilton from Parasite.
The Nerd: This level is actually... pretty decent! The map is smaller, and the directions are more clear and precise! Also, you defeat the boss in a clever way!
The Nerd: So all in all, it's a pretty decent level! There's only one problem. I keep fallin' through the map!
The Nerd: Look at this! I broke the boundary! I'm on the outside of the game, looking in!
Rex Viper Rigs [♫ rock music ♫] Break the boundaries of existence! Superior gameplay lets you exceed the laws of physics! Superman 64 is 64 times the awesome!
The Nerd: So after that, you do more rings... big surprise. And then we're at a subway. Not the fast food place, but the... actual subway. And it's the same stuff you'd expect: Flying around aimlessly, backtracking, yadda yadda. But then it turns into a real shitshow when you have to do ANOTHER escort mission. And this guy... is worse than Lois. When enemies are close, you have to make sure he doesn't get hurt. So how do you keep 'im safe? By using your super breath and encasing him in ice.
The Nerd: Well, I've seen Superman do lots of crazy things, but... putting them in ice?! Like... how do they breathe? How do they stay alive? Why am I asking you?
The Nerd: Look at this shit! The guy gets to the exit, he thanks you, and you think that's it, but then he gets attacked on his way out and I can't go past the door! The only thing I can do is escape through the ceiling and hope the level ends before this guy gets killed!
The Nerd: So here it is. The final ring level. But it's the worst 'o them all!
The Nerd: There's rings underwater that go below the map, there's moving rings, there's even multiple ring paths that lead to false exits!
The Nerd: Now THAT is just cruel!
The Nerd: In a normal game, this might be challenging, but not when the controls are so broken!
The Nerd: Ugh, fuck!
The Nerd: Fuuuck!
The Nerd: ASS!
The Nerd: [grunting]
The Nerd: I can't do it! I need help! I need guidance! I need to learn... learn to fly.
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: Geez, that's a face I didn't miss.
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: Not from playing Cybermorph, I can tell ya that!
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: I dunno... Top Gun Academy?
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: I wish you'd ask Superman that. He can't fly for shit in this game!
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: Actually, when preparing for this review, I looked into when Superman first flew. Early in the comics, he couldn't fly, but instead jumped really high. The earliest appearance of him flying was in Superman #10, the artist working on the issue wasn't clear about Superman's powers and thought he could fly. So his first flight was by accident! It was quickly corrected in the next issue, and the next time the character flew was in the radio show. Finally, Superman would fly on-screen in the old Fleischer cartoon. In both cases, his power of flight was given to him simply because the people making them really wanted to!
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: I guess Superman never really DID learn to fly, it was just a combination of dumb luck and people wanting him to fly.
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: I know what you're saying... I don't really need to LEARN to fly through these rings, I just need to... want it, and hope for the best!
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: Well thanks for the encouragement, talking head from Cybermorph! Hey, I'm sorry I shot you with the Super Scope and called you an asshole that one time.
Skylar: Where did you learn to fly?
The Nerd: Alright...
The Nerd: What the hell's this?!
The Nerd: I'm gone five minutes and already I have four replacements? Get outta here!
The Nerd: Yeah... there we go... There we go!
The Nerd: O-hoo! I beat the rings! I beat the rings! No more FUCKING RINGS!
The Nerd: But the nightmare isn't over yet. The final level takes place on Brainiac's spaceship, and it is the biggest pain in the ass you can imagine. I wish I could reverse the world's rotation and go back in time to destroy the computer this game was designed on!
The Nerd: You have to find 12 pieces of a machine scattered all over. And the whole time, you have robots, crab people, and little tanks trying to mess up your day. And if you find all the pieces, Brainiac sends you to a room full 'o teleporters.
The Nerd: The goal here is to get the numbers to add up to 2000. And like the Luthor puzzle, I have no idea what to do, so I'm just gonna mess around.
The Nerd: Sometimes I get the combination quick, other times the clock runs out and I lose. After that, y'have to escort Jimmy and Lois to safety. And these idiots just stroll into a room full 'o lightning! Y'have to freeze them again and push them to safety, but be careful, because you might push 'em off a bridge. After saving Lois and Jimmy, you have to fight Brainiac again! And if you were expecting something really exciting, well, you should know better by now.
[Brainiac grunts]
The Nerd: Once he's down, you destroy some bombs, and of course! Another ring st-- just kidding. Superman brings his friends to the real world, and Luthor gets away. I am so happy to be finished with this, I'm gonna ignore that the camera is having a seizure.
The Nerd: Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work!
The Nerd: According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face!
[ROAR!]
The Nerd: Huah!
[Nerd grunts]
[groaning]
The Nerd: NOOO!! Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games!
[CRACK!]
[Nerd groans]
[Nerd cries out in despair]

Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried[edit]

Chex Quest[edit]

The Nerd: Oh, hey! You're back! Again... You wanna play some more shitty games? Y'know, I just woke up, I just woke up! Can I just have my healthy, balanced breakfast?!
The Nerd: The Hell?
The Nerd: "Chex Quest"? A game... inside... a cereal box? I swear, if a Chex Man comes out and starts turning all my games into Chex, I'm gonna lose it! I just got rid of all that Pepsi left over from that silver son of a bitch! But man... this takes me back.
The Nerd: Yeah, remember getting prizes in your cereal? They were usually some piece of shit toy that would break, but for some reason, we all flipped the shit when we'd find these! They were awesome! It was like a little bonus in your breakfast.
The Nerd: In '96, General Mills went above and beyond by putting a free video game in every box of Chex! And the game... was a first-person shooter. Crazy, right? I remember seeing the commercials with that kickin' guitar riff, and those cool kids eating Chex, and thinkin' to myself: "Oh wow, a free FPS? FPS probably stands for Fuckin' Piece of SHIET!"
The Nerd: I mean, come on! A FREE first-person shooter game? About Chex?!
The Nerd: I mean, look at Pepsiman! We all know how that game turned out! And that game cost REAL money! To BUY! ¥2800 in '99, so about forty bucks in the US, nowadays.
The Nerd: So, you think a free re-skin of Ultimate Doom would be good? A family-friendly first-person shooter that uses the source code from an id Software game?! Reminds me of Super Noah's Ark 3D. Or, I'm sorry, Super 3D Noah's Ark.
The Nerd: But hey, even if it sucks, at least we get 50 free hours of AOL! That screenshot, right there... That is how I first saw the Internet.
The Nerd: So, anyway, let me finish this, and then we'll start the game!
[crunching]
[Nerd groans and vomits]
[Nerd lets out groans of relief]
The Nerd: Alright, let's start the game.
The Nerd: I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.
The Nerd: If you're playin' with the original CD, you get this intro animation explaining the story. It's pretty hilarious. Basically, there's these evil aliens from another dimension called "Flemoids". They survive off of cereal and nutritious foods. They've taken over the planet Bazoik! where all the nutritious foods are made, and now they need to be stopped. So now our hero, Chex Man, goes in to send the Flemoids back to their dimension.
CHEX MAN: "I'm from Chex Squadron!" "And I say, 'kill 'em all!'"
The Nerd: One thing I should bring up: There's no guns, chainsaws or BFGs. It's a family-friendly first-person shooter, an FFFPS. So, what did they use? Zorchers. What are Zorchers? They're, um... things that look like... TV remotes.
The Nerd: The box says, "Ready! Aim! Zorch!" So, I guess "Zorch" means to transport the booger guys back to their own dimension. I just never heard the word "Zorch" before, and the zapping looks kinda painful. Non-violent enough, I guess.
The Nerd: Also, it's kinda weird the main character is named Chex Man, when there's a bunch of Chex people in this game! Why is he THE Chex Man? Maybe it's his last name. Like Bill Chexman.
The Nerd: They did start calling him Chex Warrior later on, kinda like Doomguy changing to Doom Slayer.
[♬ bongo-heavy MIDI music ♬]
The Nerd: The music is pretty good. And the graphics... aren't bad for '96! It's pretty much what I'd expect from a rebuild of Doom. The opening screen looks pretty cool, the game moves fast and looks a lot better than Super Noah's Ark 3D! The difficulty choices really rub me the wrong way: Easy Does It, Not So Sticky, Gobs of Goo, Extreme Ooze and Super Slimey!
The Nerd: Sounds like some of the titles in the video store. Y'know, the Movies for Mom and Dad section?
The Nerd: If you're playin' this on a DOS emulator, the mouse sucks. In most first-person shooters, you move with the keyboard and look and shoot with the mouse. In this, the mouse actually moves you around, so playing with mouse and keyboard is a total shitshow. It's easier to just use keyboard only.
The Nerd: The game itself, is... so far, pretty decent! It's Doom, with cereal! Find the red, blue and yellow keys to open doors, and find the exit! There's a buncha different guns — or "Zorchers", and there's even secret rooms to find in each level! I also like the little Chex Man at the bottom of the screen, like the Doomguy. He makes little faces when he gets items, and when he's close to death, he gets more covered in slime.
The Nerd: I gotta say, for a game that's about a Chex guy Zorching boogers, it's actually... a pretty good game! They didn't just rip off Doom, they actually gave it some real attention to detail!
The Nerd: For health, you collect glasses of water, bowls of fruit, and veggies, and the almighty "Supercharge Breakfast"! It's corny, but it fits the aesthetic of the game.
The Nerd: Well... It's not tedious... It's not annoying... It's not ass, and the mascot hasn't come in and changed all my games! So, I think this is a pretty... good... game? Yeah, I-I-I hate to say that I-I don't hate this! It's good?! [Nerd slightly chuckles] What am I gonna do with that?!
The Nerd: Each level's pretty straightforward, but it still offers a decent level of challenge. The secrets are pretty well-hidden, there's a bunch of good stuff like health and armor power-ups; there's even a super secret Easter Egg in the second level: If ya get on this elevator and jump to these boxes, at the exact moment, you can find a secret door that leads to a room with pictures of the creators, and the LAZ Device. It's basically... the BFG from Doom. And like in Doom, there's a ton of different weapons. And each one is the non-violent equivalent. Your default weapons are the Zorcher, which is pretty much the Handgun, and the Spoon — which is pretty much the Punch.
The Nerd: Y'know, never in my life did I think I'd ever play a game where you're spooning booger aliens.
The Nerd: The other guns are the Rapid Zorcher — which is like the Minigun, Phasing Zorcher — which is like the Plasma Rifle, the Zorch Propulsor's like the Rocket Launcher, and my personal favorite — the most ridiculous weapon, MAYBE in video game history, the Super Bootspork! It's an electric spork that tears through everything! It's basically the Chainsaw. But, c'mon. It's a spork! Where else can you play a game... where you SPORK enemies to death?! Spork 'em!
The Nerd: Yeah! Yeah! Suck spork, ya boogery bitch! Yeah, I'm enjoying this game a little bit too much... But don't worry. I'll find somethin' that sucks!
The Nerd: One annoying thing is you lose all your weapons when you die. I know this was also in Doom, but it really sucks in this game. I made it all the way to the final level and died. And when I came back, I only had my regular Zorcher and Spoon! Don'tcha hate it when you only have your Zorcher and Spoon?!
The Nerd: The final level is damn near impossible with these weapons; there's tons of armored enemies, and if you weren't actively saving, like me, you might as well just reset the whole game! Now, I know; that's mostly on me, but things are a bit unfair. Right here, I'm on this tiny ledge, and I'm gettin' hit by enemies that are way below me. I can't even aim to shoot them! But they can just target get me from completely off the screen.
The Nerd: Also, in some places, the game gets really dark. I was trying to find my way out of this area, and just kept running in circles, before I realized I had been passing the door the entire time. It was just way too dark to see.
The Nerd: And in level four, there's this maze. FUCK this maze. It's very easy to get lost, the way out is extremely hidden, which I guess is what they wanted, but God damn, I was in this maze for what felt like forever. Also, if you try to pull up the map, the whole area is blank. Yeah, they knew. They wanted to fuck with people. The maze is the most sadistic thing in this game. And you KNOW there were kids flippin' their shits back in '96! It was called the Shit Flippers of '96. Y'ever hear about it? Yeah.
The Nerd: The last thing; The keyboard controls feel kinda sluggish. Turning and shooting is a pain. There are a couple of ways you can go about playing this game, so here's the second way: For this method, you have to download a Doom source port. There's tons out there, but the one I find to be the easiest is GZDoom. Using GZDoom allows you to play the game in the best possible way. You can bump all the settings to Max, and go from the original DOS graphics to playing in 4K Ultra-HD! This also gives you proper mouse control, making me Zorch incarnate!
The Nerd: Motherfuck...
The Nerd: Using the GZDoom source port's definitely the way to go. Yeah, only 30 minutes later, I'm back at the end of the game!
The Nerd: The final boss is the wall of slime. There's tons o' enemies, but you just Zorch 'em all and save the trapped cereal people! And that's Chex Quest!
The Nerd: So how come that didn't totally suck?! It was pretty good! And considering the fact that it wasn't made by a major game studio. It was just a small group of people, tasked with the impossible: To make a game — a free game — based on a cereal! Bravo.
The Nerd: The company, Digital Café, only had a budget of 500,000 and a group of eight people. One of them, a programmer named Scott Holman, was only 17 years old at the time. He'd actually work on the game after school!
The Nerd: But the real crazy thing is that even to this day, this game has a die-hard cult following! Who would have thought?! A game based on cereal?!
The Nerd: I mean it's basically just Doom with a new coat of paint, all the characters and weapons behave the same as they would in Doom, but the graphics are colorful and memorable! Even though it's really just a reskin, it still feels like its own thing, if that makes sense.
The Nerd: Regardless, this game moved six million units and quadrupled the sales of Chex cereal! Considering most people just buy Chex to make party mix and those Muddy Buddy desserts, that's a lot of extra profit!
The Nerd: There's even two Chex Quest sequels! Chex Quest 2 was a free game available on chexquest.com when the first one came out, and Chex Quest 3 was made in 2008! The demand for a sequel was there, even in the days of Xbox 360 and PS3!
The Nerd: Each game adds new levels, and even new enemies and bosses. And they're all pretty fun, while I might say the first is still the best.
The Nerd: The second one takes place in Chextropolis! The evil Flemoids have somehow gotten back to the home planet of Chex Man, and now he has to stop them, It's kinda like Doom 2: Hell on Earth.
The Nerd: I love this part where you go in a movie theater, and all the Flemoids are watching some weird cartoon loop. There's even posters of cereal-related movie parodies!
The Nerd: Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.
The Nerd: The game doesn't beat you over the head with constant advertisement. It's a game first, and a commercial second. There are ads here and there, but take Pepsiman for example, where there were entire levels comprised of Pepsi logos! Then look at Chex Quest: Sure, there's some billboards, but that's about it! The main collectibles aren't just boxes of Chex, and the objective is to save your people from evil aliens! It's like, y'know... a game!
The Nerd: The third game has you fighting against the Flemoids, again, as they prepare an end-all invasion. The levels are also MUCH bigger in this one.
The Nerd: Like I said, it was released ten years after the first game. The game starts you at Chex Central Command, and has you take a ship back to Earth, or General Mills planet, or whatever, and eventually taking the fight to the Flemoid mothership. It was made in response to the demand for a new sequel. The fact that people were still goin' nuts about a free cereal-based first-person shooter, ten years after its release, really speaks to its merit. These people took an idea that should've flopped, and made it into a total win!
The Nerd: Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
The Nerd: There we go! I've single-handedly saved the planet and returned the Flemoids back to their home dimension! All is well in Cereal dimension, I am the supreme Chex Quest champion!
The Nerd: So, overall... pretty good. And if you're not convinced, if a family-friendly first-person shooter isn't really your thing, if you need some carnage and mayhem, if you don't wanna send the Flemoids back to their dimension, you wanna send 'em to fuckin' Hell—! Well... I got the game for you.
The Nerd: Motherfuckin' BRUTAL Chex Quest!!!
The Nerd: That's right! With GZDoom, you get access to a bunch of awesome mods, one of them being the Brutal Doom mod, which also works on Chex Quest. Play through the entirety of all three Chex Quest games, but get rid of those pussy Zorchers! Lay waste to the Flemoids! Make sure they can never come back to Cereal dimension, because they're fuckin' DEEEEEAAD!
The Nerd: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUU—ck!
The Nerd: This basically takes all the family-friendliness out of the game, and makes Chex Man the fuckin' Chex Hitman! Chex "The Hitman" Hart!
The Nerd: So after you get your fill of the original Chex Quest, pop in Brutal Chex Quest, and murder the shit outta some Flemoids! I don't know what a Flemoid is, but I fuckin' killed their ass!
The Nerd: And when you play a game as brutal as Brutal Chex Quest, what you need is a brutal cereal to go with it!
BRUTAL CHEX!!
It's Chex, on steroids! ILLEGAL steroids!! Made from broken glass! Rusty fuckin' nails! And whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day, if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God and Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies! And Brutal Chex turns your milk red, from your own blood, pouring outta your FUCKING SCREAMING MOUTH!!!
50 free hours of America Online included.

Other[edit]

Secret Scout (Lost Episode)[edit]

The Nerd: Secret Scout is another one of those shitty fuck stories from color dreams. You want to see what I'm talking about? Well let's take a look.
The Nerd: Augh! Oh my God... Look at the background. LOOK. AT. THE BACKGROUND. That is fucking despicable! There's two colors: puke green and diarrhea-ish brown. Look at this! This is the ugliest graphics I've seen in awhile.
The Nerd:: And the control, oh yeah, you got to have bad control too. It plays like shit. The hit detection is awful, you have to be right next to the guy to him, and everybody takes like a million hits before they die.
The Nerd: And what's all that shit at the top of the screen? BDX? What? I don't even know what I'm looking at...
The Nerd: Oh I just got some scroll or something. Wait, what is that? It looks just... You know what? It does. It looks like a fucking turd. That's what it is. It looks like a turd.
The Nerd: You want to know how to use the item? By holding SELECT and using the D-pad! Then you have to press UP, which brings you to a map screen and then you hit the button to leave it. That is one shitty way to select the turd.
The Nerd: Oh God, this is slippery. This control is so fucked. Augh, Jesus! No no! Get up there! Get up there! Oh-OH! Fuck!
The Nerd: Get away from me! Get away from me! Mmm! Fucking piece of dogshit, oh there's a heart! And the hearts beating-that's hilarious. Oh my...God..
The Nerd: Fuck nuts... Oh hahaha... Oh no... The asshole factor is high here! They're all assholes and they bully up on you! Look at this! Look how many guys are com-oh shit!
The Nerd: Have mercy, I'm trying to jump on these slippery platforms. How am I supposed to fight this guy when there's a Flying Nun coming after me? Augh! Look they're still coming after me! Look at how many there are!
The Nerd: Back against the wall method! Back against the wall! You're not going to knock me back! You're not going to knock me-AUGGGH!
The Nerd: Die you sons of bitches! Grrr! I killed it! Oh and I killed myself too...
The Nerd: You know I thought this would be a simple platformer, you just run to the right and keep on going, but no. It's also one of those "where the fuck do I go" kind of games.
The Nerd: I'm stuck in a room here. What do I do? Guess I'll try throwing the dynamite at the door. Oh... Look! It got me up onto the platform! I could only reach that with the dynamite... Wow, that's really easy to figure out...
The Nerd: All the enemies in this game look like rejects from "Sunday FunDay". Oh and this right here, is the unholiest of all enemies. It's like a floating vagina or something that traps you. You can't move. It holds you and just lets everybody else beat you and fuck you to shreds!
The Nerd: Get away from me damn thing! Get away from me! Get ây from me, you're not going to trap me! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no theres balls flying around! Balls and vaginas yeah...
The Nerd: Jesus, this is just really classy. Oh no! No... hahaha. Oh god.
The Nerd: Oh my god. Bombs? Really? Come on you think there's enough things flying around the screen?
The Nerd: Look a skeleton. I like the animation when he flies back like that. Ah! AH! what is he a naked Skeletor? Well I guess all skeletons could be a naked Skeletor.
The Nerd: Ah look, that sums up everything perfectly. A green face puking! Huurgh!
The Nerd: Look at this walking on lasers! I'm walking on lasers damn it!
The Nerd: Oh, now here comes a big guy in underwear. And a visor like he just came off the golf course or something. Nice shorts fuckwad!
The Nerd: Hmm I don't know where to go... I guess down that ladder right? Looks like you could go down there. I'd THINK you could go down a ladder...Nope! Dead.
The Nerd: Damn! And you know what? I'm really not kidding when I say everything in the game looks like a turd. It really does. It's like you're walking through shit and that's exactly what you're playing. Secret Scout; it's no secret this game is made of shit.

External links[edit]

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