The Angry Video Game Nerd
The Angry Video Game Nerd is an Internet series based on a main character, the "Nerd", created and portrayed by James D. Rolfe. In each episode, the Nerd reviews a terrible video game and rants about it using profane language. Mike Matei helps Rolfe by playing guest characters in certain episodes (Bugs Bunny, The Joker, etc.). Kyle Justin sings and plays the theme song written by Rolfe.
The first two episodes were made in 2004 by Rolfe as a joke to his friends but in 2006, Matei suggested to Rolfe that it should become a regular series.
Castlevania II: Simon's Quest
- [First line of the series]
- AVGN: This game sucks. Castlevania I and III are great classic Nintendo games, but for Castlevania II: Simon's Quest, the game designers obviously were not thinking straight.
- AVGN: (complaining about how the game regularly interrupts itself with long, unskippable day-to-night transitions with a text box saying "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE.") Why does this need to happen so often? Like, every five minutes? Why does it take so long? Nobody feels like sitting through this every time. How would you like it if you were playin' a game and then every five minutes I came over, and paused it, then counted ten tedious seconds, and then let you continue play the game? Now, I mean, why did they think that that would be a good idea and interrupt the gameplay, did they think it would be more realistic? I mean, in real life I don't have to stop in my tracks when the sun sets and a fuckin' box doesn't pop up in the air. I mean, this is one of the most annoying features in any game ever. What's the point? Yeah, the, I mean, the monsters are stronger at night and the stores are closed, but why's that necessary and why does the game have to stop? It's fuckin' retarded. And why do you have to die when you fall in the water? That's the stupidest thing I've ever seen. This guy can go all over fightin' hordes of evil monsters, but he can't even fuckin' swim?
- AVGN: Oh, look, I finally got enough hearts to go and buy a plant that I need to cross the swamp, now let me get to the store. (nighttime falls) Oh shit, it's fuckin' night time, now the stores are all closed and I have to wait for it to turn day again. Oh well, I might as well kill some zombies in the meantime and stock up on some more hearts. (falls into water and dies) OH SHIT! Now I gotta start all over again.
- AVGN: Here, in the dungeons, there's books that you may find which actually give you clues about things in the game that you may need to know about. But, when I find these books, half the time it's by accident, so I may hit the button and cancel it out which means I don't even get to read it and I don't have a second chance. Why can't I do that when it changes from day to night? That would actually be helpful. So, what the game designers figured is this: it isn't absolutely necessary for me to read about how to find Dracula's castle or what I'm supposed to do with an Oak Stake, but what I do need to read, again and again constantly, is: "The morning sun has vanquished the horrible night". How about "vanquished this horrible GAME"?
- AVGN: (using the password feature to skip to the end of the game and having to input 16 characters) The only sure way to get through this awful game is to enter a code, but even that is way more tedious than it should be. While most of the Castlevania games have symbols you enter for a code, this one just has a whole bunch of numbers. I mean, like, one of those [four-character]little parts would be enough for a password. But why four? Like why so many? In general, I hate games that have passwords like this, because sometimes they have uppercase and lowercase letters. Like the l's, you know, look like I's, the 0's look like O's, the 8's look like 5's so, why does there have to be so many digits? Y'know, like why can't it just be numbers or somethin'? Like, y' know, just numbers and not letters? I mean, it takes me, like, five minutes to enter this code when it should only take, like, five seconds. It's friggin' stupid. Okay, so, say we enter the code, and we go to Dracula's castle. You'll be pretty disappointed how anticlimactic this game is. It isn't even worth putting in a code, let alone playing the whole game all the way through, which, if you did, I feel bad for you.
- AVGN: What a piece of fuck. I mean, I feel horrible that I had to play this game in order to make this video, but I did it to demonstrate its dreadfulness and I forced myself to play it just so that you don't have to. So, you should thank me for telling you to stay away from this horrible steaming pile of goat fuck.
- AVGN: Thank you for listening, good night. The ending sucks too.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
- AVGN: Pong is better. Pong is only, like, three lines and a ball. Those little Tiger, like, electronic wrist games, those are better than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. It makes no fucking sense! It's like, what were they thinking?
- AVGN: [looking at the cartridge] Here it is, here's the piece of shit game. [looks at the price tag, which reads 89 cents] Who the hell spent this much fuckin' money on this game?
- AVGN: I mean, if you ever find the game, if you ever see it, smash it. Smash it with a hammer. Smash it 'til every tiny fragment is, like, is so small it's invisible. I mean... you'd rather superglue your fuckhole shut than play that game. You'd rather drown in gasoline. You'd rather... you know, th-the thing is... you think I'm joking, like I'm trying to be funny or something. No, the fact that that game exists is a horrible abomination of mankind. That game is so fucking horrible, and I am not kidding. I am dead fuckin' serious. [close-up of the Nerd] DEAD... FUCKIN'... SERIOUS. [fade-out as the Nerd nervously laughs]
The Karate Kid
- The Nerd: I hate this game. I mean, it makes me wanna kill myself. Now, the only comforting thing to know is that everybody seems to share my frustration. Karate Kid is a game, that has haunted many of our childhoods. I mean, everybody has the same story: "I loved the movie, so I got the Nintendo game, and I couldn't stand it, yet I had to keep on playing it, because I had to beat it." So, what is it about this game, that's drawn so many unfortunate kids to turn into bitter adults, reminiscing on their angry childhood; screamin' at the TV, throwin' the controllers? I mean, anybody who has beaten this incredibly hard piece of fuck will not have any sense of satisfaction but, rather regrets, because it is a complete waste of fuckin' time. I mean, it's like coming out of a brutal fight, being the winner, but achieving nothing for all your troubles but some bloody bruises and broken bones. It's just not worth it.
- The Nerd: (dies in a pit) I hate this game, but why am I playing it? Well, that's the question everyone has asked themselves. And they all have the same reason: because you're angry and you wanna win. You wanna beat the Nintendo, but the cold fact is that nobody cares but you.
- The Nerd: Man, I guess they decided because the game's only four levels long, it better be the hardest four levels ever. Well, how 'bout this, how about if I made a game where there's just this one cliff you have to jump over and it's like nearly impossible, but if you do it, you win the game and that's it. I mean, what the hell were they thinkin' with this piece of fuck? What the hell? Now, if you're a serious Nintendo collector, do yourself a favor, don't get this game, because it's not worth it. I mean, it's made many lives miserable and, y'know, if you see it on sale for a dollar, just stay away. Don't even touch it. [spits on cartridge and flushes it down the toilet.]
Who Framed Roger Rabbit
- AVGN: (talking to a lady after punching her) "CAN YOU HELP ME", "GO AWAY, YOU HORRID MAN"... how about "Go away, you HORRID GAME!"?
- AVGN: (gets game over and sees a 20 character password) And look at this! Th-this is the longest password ever! Would it have killed them to make this any shorter? It takes forever! Like, why should any game, take like ten minutes to type in the fuckin' password?
- AVGN: (calling Jessica Rabbit on the phone) This is Jessica Rabbit? Well, I got your number and I'm callin' just to say "FUCK YOU!"
- Jessica Rabbit: I hope you're proud of yourself!
- AVGN: Yeah, well, I hope you're proud of yourself, and you know what I mean, ya fuckin' whore.
- Jessica Rabbit: I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way.
- AVGN: Yeah, well, wait 'til I draw your suicide note in your own blood, you bunny fuckin' bitch. I'm comin' over and I'm gonna kill you. I'm gonna kill your whole motherfuckin' family! (returns to playing the game) Alright, well now I got that out of my system, let's continue with the game.
- AVGN: All right, the game sucks, end of story; I wanna nail Roger Rabbit to the fuckin' cross.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
- AVGN: You may even think I'm tryin' to compare it to the sequels, which are far superior. Two-player, arcade action, beat up a bunch of Foot Soldiers. Good stuff. But, this first one is garbage
- AVGN: April O'Neil says: "You have my support." Okay. What the hell did she ever do for you? Stupid banana raincoat wearin' bitch.
- AVGN: (in the sewers level, as an enemy causes the on-screen turtle to fall in rushing water) Ughhh, you son of a fuck! And you know what pisses me off? They're turtles, for fuck's sakes! They can't even swim?
- AVGN: Aw, you fuckrat! This is just a bunch of cockadookie, this is bullfuck.
- AVGN: Cowabunga... Cow-a-FUCKIN' PIECE OF DOGSHIT! This game is diarrhea comin' outta my dick! This game is as appealing as a fuckin' ooze-infested dirty fuckin' sewer rat shit! I've had more fun playing with dog turds! Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls! This game is an inside-out asshole regurgitating putrid anal fecal matter! I'd rather fuckin' yank all the hairs out of my scrotum! I'd rather drink diarrhea vomited out of a buffalo's anus! It suckin' fucks, it fuckin' sucks, IT FUCKIN' BLOWS, IT'S A PIECEASHIT... and I don't like it.
Back to the Future
- AVGN: (on the repetitive music) I'd rather have a fucking buffalo take a diarrhea dump in my ear than subject them to this horrendous garbage.
- AVGN: (on the nonsensical in-game representation of Hill Valley and all the obstacles Marty McFly must deal with) What happened here? Is this Hill Valley or is it Hell?
- Doc Brown: No, it's Hill Valley, although I can't imagine Hell being much worse!
- AVGN: Like, if I just shat into a bag, and wrote "Back to the Future" on it, that would be the same as this awful piece of fuck. It brings my piss to a boil. What a piece of shit! I'll never play it again, either. It's my last time. (scoffs) I'd rather eat out the rotten asshole of a roadkill skunk than play this game, ever again. And I'm dead serious, too. And do you know what's worse? You know what's - what's really worse? Guess what? There's a sequel!
- Marty: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
- AVGN: playing Back to the Future II & III Yes, it's true. Back to the Future II & III. Two fucky games for the price of one. Let's check it out.
- AVGN: So there's Ronald with his magic bag... bag of hallucinogenic drugs. I always thought that clown was one scary motherfucker.
- AVGN: Then you go to Grimace's board. Here's Grimace, the big purple fuck. Look at his house! It looks like Barney the Dinosaur's testicle.
- AVGN: It never ends with this game; it’s just like an infinite turd coming out of my ass.
- AVGN: (Explaining a 1-Up gathering trick) So if you have an hour to waste, then, there you go. Have fun. You're completely wasting your time, anyway, if playing this game, as I am. Let alone make a fucking video about it. Some people like to call 1-ups "extra guys" or "free mans". I like to call 'em life insurance.
- AVGN: (At the end of the review) Toasty!
Wally Bear and the NO! Gang
- AVGN: And what's this button for? "PRESS HERE"? Seriously, press here? What for? I mean is it supposed to be telling you how to push the game down? Like, how to put the game into the system? Well, I-I can't really push on it when it's inside the Nintendo. You know, did they really think kids are that stupid? I mean, it should just say, "PRESS HERE, YOU DUMB FUCK!" Like some kid's gonna be like, "Uhhh, duhh, how do I put the game in?"
- AVGN: Back in the '80s, it seemed like there were all these characters tryin' to keep kids off of drugs. Whether it was Mcgruff, or Pee-wee, or the combined efforts of Alf, Michaelangelo, Bugs Bunny and Miss Piggy And... this game, I'm sure it didn't help kids stay off drugs at all. In fact, I'm sure the people who made it were on something. So, avoid it at all costs, unless... you are fucked up on drugs. So in that case, let's say NO to drugs... (drinking his Rolling Rock) and let's say NO to this fuckin' game.
Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu
- AVGN: So, yeah, it's a weird game, and you can just tell just by the cartridge. It's one of those weird baby blue cartridges, so you can tell right of the bat that it's a big piece of fucking shit.
- Shit Pickle: Pickle.
- AVGN: There's only one reason to buy this game. And that's to be able to say, "I own Master Chu and the Drunkard Hu," so people can awkwardly stare at you.
- Shit Pickle: Shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle-shit-pickle.
- AVGN: (Shit Pickle plays the game.) So, what do you think?
- Shit Pickle: Shit!
- AVGN: Exactly.
- The Nerd: (on the landing sequence) You know, it's like every time I get to this part, I think I might have a chance. This is gonna be it. I'm finally going to land the plane. (reading the on-screen directions) "Speed down. Left, left. Speed up. Right, right! Speed up! Speed down! Left, left! Speed up! Speed down. Up, up! Up, up!" I'm hitting up.
[The Nerd sweats profusely getting closer to the TV. The plane misses the aircraft carrier and crashes into the ocean.]
- The Nerd: ASSSS! FUUUUCK!
Double Dragon III
- AVGN: Ooh, I know what you're thinking. "How dare you pick on Double Dragon?" But I'm not. Double Dragon's awesome! So is Double Dragon II: The Revenge. But Double Dragon III: The Sacred Stones is just a fucking waste.
- AVGN: (Playing the two-player game, on the introductory cutscene) Now, just like the one-player game, it starts off with the story sequence, but this time it shows both the Double Dragons, Billy and Jimmy Lee. Oh, wait... Bimmy and Jimmy? How'd they make a mistake like this!? Bimmy isn't even a real name! How did this happen!? They didn't even proofread this shitty game before they released it? Bimmy and Jimmy? I'm sorry, I just can't get over that. Bimmy and Jimmy. There's a typo in a Nintendo game, let alone a fucking Double Dragon game, and it's the first screen!
Friday the 13th
- AVGN: Oh, fffuck! Look at the map. I've just been walkin' in the wrong fuckin' direction. What a wonderful game! The bare basics of left and right do not apply. And that's why this game is so great, because it's free from all logic. Logic is for pussies!
- AVGN: (commenting on the game over screen) That's ingenious. That's... the best Game Over screen I ever saw. For real, I'm actually being dead serious! DEAD FUCKIN' SERIOUS. That's brilliant, right? (looks at Jason) "You and your friends are dead. Game Over." It's priceless. Like, I can't believe it! Isn't that a mean thing to say to kids? Nobody ever dies in Nintendo. They're either "defeated" or they... turn into an item and like, float away. But here comes a game, like Friday the 13th, that just cuts the bullshit, shows some balls, comes flat out and says: "You're fuckin' dead... and your friends, too." Beautiful. And what if there was a sequel? It would have to say somethin' even worse. Like, I got it. I got a good idea of what it should say. It should say:
- "You're dead.
- Your friends are dead.
- Your family's dead.
- Your fuckin' pets are bein' skinned alive.
- Your mom's a fuckin' whore.
- You suck at life.
- The whole world hates you.
- You're goin' to hell.
- Live with it.
- Game Over."
- AVGN: I'd rather play Doom on Atari. I'd rather play Halo on a Tiger Electronics wrist game. I'd rather drown in diarrhea. I'd rather fuckin' eat my fuckin' balls off and puke 'em out my fuckin' ass! I'd rather piss a cactus out of my dick! The music is fuckin' worse than life itself, and I'd turn the volume down except for the fact that I have to hear the Jason Alarm! It's all just a test of patience, and it can kiss my fuckin’ asshole!
A Nightmare on Elm Street
- The Nerd: Could the villains be any more stock? Like, we have this creepy game about Freddy. What kind of creepy characters can we add? Well, how about bats, ghosts, spiders, skeletons, Frankensteins for the kiddies? Could it be any more un-creative than that? Like, why don't they just add some witches, black cats, and flying jack-o'-lanterns? They should've just called the game "Boo! Haunted House!" Which is probably what they originally had in mind, until they thought, "No, wait, make it about Freddy. We already ruined Friday the 13th, now let's do the same thing to Nightmare on Elm Street." And that's right. It's by the same company. We're not gonna say who it is, but it stands for "Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts."
- The Nerd: Oh, God! Is Freddy comin'? He sure is! Of all the shitty things in this game, this screen is so cheesy that it's just awesome. But it's ruined by the fuckin' trademark symbol! [zooms in on the trademark symbol next to Freddy's name]
- The Nerd: You know what's really weird? That this game was actually capable of a 4-player mode using an accessory that allows four controllers to be connected to your Nintendo Entertainment System? Now, I can't imagine having four people playing this game. Who's gonna want to play this piece of shit? I'm lucky if I can get one other person! I have a better chance of cloning myself.
- [Four Nerds play the game together, yelling things such as "This is fuckin' fuck!", "It's diarrhea fuck!", "This game is horrible!", "Diarrhea fuck.", "It sucks!", "It's fuck!", "It's balls!", "What a piece of fuck.", "What a fuckload of fuck.", and "What a piece of fuckin' fuck."]
- Back Nerd: Hey, wait. Wait, wait, wait. I just cloned myself. I'm in a dream, I can do whatever I want, so why don't we all just stop playin' this fuckin' game?
- Left Nerd: Yeah.
- Back Nerd: So, the fuck with that fuck.
- Right Nerd: Yeah, the fuck with that... godfuckingdamn fuck.
- True Nerd: The fuck with that godfuckingdamn... fuckin' fuck.
- Left Nerd: THE FUCK WITH THAT GODFUCKINGDAMN MOTHERFUCKIN' BULLFUCK!!!
- True Nerd: Relax.
- Freddy Krueger: Whoa! Look at me! I'm the fuckin' Nerd! What a piece of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea fuckfarts! You see, Nerd? Nobody makes you play these games but yourself. So, you're your own damn nightmare. Now, you're gonna die.
- The Nerd: Go yank your cock through your fuck, you fuckin' butt mongrel: I got the Power Glove!
- The Nerd: I love the Power Glove. It's so bad. And I mean bad. This thing is bad. Why need a glove to play a game? What's wrong with this? [grabs the regular NES controller] Huh? I don't know. I thought this was okay, playing it, you know, with a controller. So if anything, the Power Glove, it's an interesting experiment in gaming technology. But too bad they were just fuckin' jerkin' off! Like, why does it suck so bad? Well, I have one complaint, [flashes middle finger] one fuckin' complaint about this glove; It doesn't work. Now, what's the most important aspect about any game? Well, being able to fuckin' play it!
- The Nerd: [Plays Jackal and reads the opening screen's text] "This battle will make your blood boil. Good luck!" "Good luck" is right. I'm using the fuckin' Power Glove.
- The Nerd: [plays Rad Racer with the Power Glove] You know what's really cool about Rad Racer? That if you push "Select"... [pushes "Select"] ...the game goes 3D. I'm playing Rad Racer with the Power Glove and 3D glasses. Ya can't get any more rad than that.
- The Nerd: Wow. Playing Top Gun with the Power Glove. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit. [in-game, "TO LANDING SEQUENCE"] Oh, my God. What the fuck am I doing? I'm tryin' to land the plane in Top Gun with the Power Glove? I can't even land it with the regular controller. [he manages to successfully land the plane; surprised, he takes a quick glance at the Power Glove, and looks back at the screen]
- The Nerd: If you want to bring a totally new element of challenge to your Nintendo games, try the Power Glove, 'cause it sure makes everything a lot harder. It's just a barely functional contraption designed to rip off little kids. It's the biggest scam since the Atari 5200 controller. The only kids who owned this were usually the richer ones who thought they were cool. Well, they're not cool. I'm not cool, either. Look at me. You think I'm cool? I've got a fuckin' glove on my hand. I'm tryin' to play a fuckin' game with it. I look like an idiot with a fistful of fuck. [pretends to shoot his fingers off with the grey 1985 NES Zapper, leaving only his middle finger, which he flashes.]
- The Nerd: Now you're playing with power. Now you're playing with fuckin' fuck! You're better off fuckin' fuck than fuckin' with this fucked-up fuck! Fuck this fuck! You don't know fuck about how fuckin' fucky this fuckin' fuck is! It's so bad it sucks. It's so fuckin' suck it fucks! And I...can't take it anymore. [holds bottle of Rolling Rock which he drinks while wearing the Power Glove, accompanied by the "Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!!!" Game Over Theme]
- AVGN: (talking about the Mega Man series) What's this? Mega Man Battle network series? Mega Man 64? Did they really make it that far? No, that was just the Nintendo 64's stupid gimmick of putting 64 at the end of every fucking title.
- AVGN: So when Final Fantasy VII came out, they just called it Final Fantasy VII and that's when the confusion began. I wondered what the fuck happened to IV V and VI?! But what I really should've been wondering, little did I know, what the fuck happened to II III and V? And once I figured that out, I was like,"So there were other Final Fantasy games we didn't know about?" I was playing VI all along and not III? What a fuckin' bunch of fuckin' bullfuck!
- AVGN: The Star Trek series did the same thing. Right now, there's ten of them. Star Trek I-VI were all numbered. But when they stopped using the original cast from the show and started using the cast from Star Trek: The Next Generation, they dropped the numbers from the films and called them: Star Trek Generations, Star Trek First Contact, Star Trek Insurrection and Star Trek Nemesis. Okay, well that's real fine. But where did the fucking numbers go? If they couldn't call Star Trek Generations, Star Trek VII then why didn't they call it Star Trek The Next Generation off the show and then call the next one Star Trek The Next Generation II and just start a new line of sequels?
- AVGN: The title of Bruce Lee's first film was called The Big Boss, but when they released it in the U.S., the American distributors or whoever was responsible decided to change the title to Fists of Fury. Well okay, that's just fine, but the next one happened to be called Fist Of Fury. So, uh oh, we fucked up! What are we going to call it here in the U.S.? We can't call it Fist of Fury because we changed the last one to Fists of Fury. Call it The Chinese Connection and from now on, just call the movies whatever the fuck they're originally called.
- AVGN: (Regarding the training sequences) Cock-a-fuckin'-doodle-ass-shit-suckin'-bullfuck! This is fuckin' boring!
- AVGN: (On the convoluted controls as described in the game manual) So did you get that? Well, let me sum it up. It stinks!
- Rocky: That's right, it stinks!
- AVGN: It's a bunch of putrid anal shit coming out of a rhinoceros' asshole. It fucks up the fuck, fucks out the mouth, piss out the nose, dookie out the ear, diarrhea out the dick, fucks for the birds! The control in this game... is pooh-pooh.
- AVGN: This game is fuck. I'd rather take a bath in elephant feces. I'd rather eat raw eggs.
- AVGN: (Playing Bible Adventures, reviewing "Noah's Ark"; regarding the character Noah, who literally picks up animals and puts them in the ark in the game) I just can't get over that. He's an old man, and not only does he pick the animals up, he lifts them over his head! It doesn't even slow him down. How could such an old man be so strong? Have you ever tried to lift a horse? Not that easy. What the fuck!? Let alone a horse and an ox!? Or fuck! A horse, a cow, and two oxen!? What the fuckin' fuck!? Noah's so godfuckingdamn strong, he puts The Hulk to shame. And the poor creatures, they're so scared shitless, they don't even try to get away. Noah, man. Nobody fucks with him. Not even Chuck Norris!
- AVGN: (Reviewing "David and Goliath") And you know what? All three games use the same music. You'd rather listen to your own infant son puking to death. That is, choking on his own puke-chunks. (long pause) That's disgusting. I apologize.
- AVGN: (reviewing Bible Buffet on NES, responding to its in-game voice clips) That voice is just crazy! I-I dunno what it is, but it just sounds out of place. Not that anything is in place, but I dunno. It's so rare to hear such a clear voice in a Nintendo game. But I suppose it's also rare for Nintendo to have a Bible game with no references to the Bible, resembling Atari, that's all about food trying to kill you, yet it's also a board game rip-off with quizzes that you can't answer, and, if it's a Bible game, why do you blow a snowman's head off? Whatever happened to "Thou shall not kill"? Please, somebody tell me!
- AVGN: [ Invisible Touch is heard in the background] So let's play another bible game. It's the Book of Genesis on Sega Genesis. And the soundtrack is Genesis. ...I'm just making this up.
- AVGN: [Playing Super Noah's Ark 3D] Listen to how cheerful the music is. (Theme from Super 3D Noah's ark plays) Wow, that's great. It's just what you need is some really upbeat music to go along with Noah getting murdered by a bunch of fucking goats!
- AVGN: I’d rather fuck a porcupine and shove a cactus up my fuck! I'd rather slurp crap oozing out of a warthog's anus-hole! It's just a bunch of poopy diarrhea doodoo ass-fuck!
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part One
- The Nerd: (sighs) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (he slaps the tape back into its case as it starts to fall out) SUCKS SHIT! Not even regular shit. Putrid, barfed-out roadkill diarrhea shit. Now you might be sayin', "Well that's your opinion." Well yeah, it is. It's my opinion, that it's a motherfuckin' fact, that this pile of dog shit called Ninja Turtles III is the most god-awful disgrace in human existence! Now, I know you've seen a lot of bad movies. But, no, let me tell you, this movie is BAD. Like, how bad? Like, is it the worst of the Turtles trilogy? Oh, undeniably, but that's not the point. My point, is that this is the worst fuckin' movie I've ever seen in my life! Now, I can tell you from the perspective of a 12-year-old and a 26-year-old, that it needs to rot in Hell, in Satan's asshole. Now what I mean by that is I was 12 the first time I saw the movie, in the theaters in 1993, and I was such a big Turtle fan, I just accepted it. I just held the truth inside. And, you know it's just been tearin' away at me all these years. And now, lookin' back at it, I just gotta come clean and honest, man. I just gotta let it all out. THIS MOVIE... is FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! (punches the tape)
- The Nerd: "Why was there no subtitle in the movie?" They subtitled the last movie. Well, I have an answer. Look under that title. You see that blank, empty space? Let that be an indication of the blank, empty imagination employ within and the void it left in our hearts.
- AVGN: (criticizing the inferior animatronics) Is this movie made for little kids? Well, I guess it is, so the joke's on me. The worst of all is Splinter. He looks like fuckin' roadkill! And I guess they never finished him because you only see his upper body. He's like a puppet that should be used on Sesame Street. Even worse is his voice!
- Splinter: Have patience, my son.
- AVGN: What an assload of fuck! Well, everything sucks.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III Part Two
- The Nerd: [on Walker's death scene] Now, I gotta pause this because I gotta ask, how many times have you seen this shot in a movie? Way too fuckin' much. It was one of the biggest clichés of the time. What happened at the end of Batman? The Joker falls, same shot. What happens at the end of Dick Tracy? Big Boy falls, same thing. But Turtles III takes this cliché to a whole new level. I mean, a whole new level. Watch what happens when Walker hits the water.
- [Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the water splashes]
- The Nerd: Did you see that? Here it goes again.
- [The scene is repeated]
- The Nerd: There's no splash. Instead, he disappears. But he doesn't disappear. He like, implodes into himself. I'm really stunned, like why'd they do this? They couldn't do a special effect for a splash? But, what they could do is make him implode. Now, if you couldn't make a splash, why couldn't you just cut away, and then, just leave the sound of the splash? That would've actually been more effective. I can re-edit it right now. Watch.
- [Walker screams while he falls to his death, and the scene cuts to the Turtles with the sound of the splash intact]
- The Nerd: See? That's all they had to do, so why make the weird imploding effect? What were they thinking?
- The Nerd: Cowabunga. Cowa-fuckin'-piece-of-dog-fuck! I'd rather watch fuck oozing out of a buffalo's fuckhole. I'd rather fucking puke diarrhea up my dick. It fucking sucks so much fucking suck, it fucks. It fucking sucks so much cocksucker motherfucker bullfuck that...well, something must be done.
- [The Nerd takes the movie, looks at it, then sets on floor before taking out a katana. He braces it, aims it, then splits the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III VHS tape in two. Then he switches to a hammer.]
- The Nerd: IT'S HAMMER TIME!
- [He smashes the video until all of it is smashed to bits, and he sighs angrily. The camera pans to see the destruction of the VHS copy of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, accompanied by the level complete music from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for the NES, before the scene fades to black.]
- AVGN: Look at how huge this beast is, it's ginormous! And why is there a door on it? Is this a video game console, or a fucking closet? Even the AC Adapter weighs a million tons.
- AVGN: What's the most important aspect about any fucking game? Well, being able to fucking play it. And what do you need to fucking play it? A fucking controller! So what do you do when the controller doesn't work? You're fucked! This is the reason the system failed. This. In the name of God, Heaven and Hell; everything in between, every creature on Earth; by the far reaches of the Galaxy; by the inner rings on the Universe and... every Megaverse and the Ultraverse, let it be known. Let the word be known. This controller... is fuckin' horrible!
- AVGN: Then there's all these numeric buttons. Like, what the shit is this? Is this thing a phone? Like, what is all this for? Is it, like, talking to intergalactic space aliens, flying fuckernauts or astrobastards?
- AVGN: [unable to play the Atari 5200 due to defective controllers] As for the 5200, there's third party controllers made for replacing the shitty controller that the system came with. So let's take a trip into the cyber world known as the internet and take a look. [Goes to his computer and the Ebay website. Finds a listing that says "ATARI 5200 CONTROLLER - Works fucking better!"]
- The Nerd: So, I just wanted to take you back to the '80s, when Ghostbusters and Nintendo were the best things in the world. Now, the Nintendo Entertainment System, I believe needs no introduction. So, when we heard that a Ghostbusters game for Nintendo was coming out, we were so excited we shit our pants. Literally, shit came out our asses and we rocketed through the roof! It was two of our favorite things comin' together, should have been like bread and butter. But more like dead skunk and dog shit! (He inserts the cartridge into the NES.) You pop this piece of crap in, expecting Ghostbusters, and whaddya get? Well, Ghostbusters. Got the logo there, looks promising enough. But are you willing to bet that it's gonna get really bad once you start playin'? Yeah, well, guess what? It gets bad as soon as you press the Start button. (The Nerd presses the Start button) (an extremely low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" sound can be heard on the TV) The fuck was that?! (the low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" repeats) "Gowsht Bushterrrsh!" (the low-bit "GHOSTBUSTERS!" repeats again) Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not tryna to criticize the game for its lack of voice clarity, but ya hear how bad this sounds? Let this set the tone for the rest of the game.
- The Nerd: (Game starts) So, here's the main screen. This is it. This is Ghostbusters on Nintendo. This is my wasted childhood you're lookin' at. I don't even need to comment. Just look at it, it's shits for the birds! Okay, we gotta come up with a game about Ghostbusters, what can we do? How about just have the Ghostbusters logo floatin' around playin' tag with cute, little yellow ghosts? So if you like Ghostbusters, it's right up your alley. More like up your ASS!
- The Nerd: Does there exist any store that sells... a ghost vacuum? Let's find out. (The Nerd turns on his cellphone and punches in a phone number)
- The Nerd: "Hi, do you sell vacuums?"
- Manager: "Uh, yes."
- The Nerd: "Um, yeah, uh, I'm lookin' for a special kinda vacuum. It's like, shaped like a funnel, sorta."
- Manager: "Hmm, what kind of vacuum?"
- The Nerd: "It's like, shaped like a funnel, like you put it on the roof of your car."
- Manager: "You want a vacuum to clean your car?"
- The Nerd: "No, you put it on the top of your car... like while you're drivin'...?"
- Manager: "To, t-,t-, you want a vacuum to clean?"
- The Nerd: "No, y'know, these vacuums are for catchin' ghosts..." (The Nerd struggles to contain laughter)
- The Nerd: Oh please, Game Genie, grant me three wishes!
- The Nerd: [when he talks about the ending of Ghostbusters on NES] Well, first of all, "Conglaturation !!!" is spelled wrong, but it's not even a simple typo. Two letters in two different places are wrong which probably means they really didn't know how to spell it. So that's 20 points off for that just because it's such an atrocious misspelling. But then why isn't it plural? You don't usually say "Congratulation.", you say "Congratulations". So technically it's got nothing to do with the spelling, it's a different error altogether. So that's another ten points for that. Then, "You have completed a great game."!? Well that's just simply wrong, 20 points for that statement. Even if it was a great game, it shouldn't have to announce it. So then you have a punctuation error, because the next sentence begins with "And". Then you got an extra O in "prooved". And proved what? "prooved the justice of our culture."? So it's saying that you proved that our culture has justice? I don't know. "Now go and rest our heroes !" Instead of "Now go and rest, comma, our heroes", it's telling you to go rest our heroes. Okay, well, sorry to say but we had to take off 90 points. But hey, a score of 10% means that there's still hope. But wait, is there any reason that there's one exclamation mark here (at Heroes !) and then there's three up there (after Conglaturation !!!)? That's another 10 points off for lack of consistency with a total score of zero. F-minus. It should have said...
- You had the patience to sit through this awful game.
- You proved your nerdiness.
- Now go fuck yourself!
- The Nerd': (reviewing Ghostbusters on the Sega Master System, commenting on how the controllable logo leaves black dots on the streets it crosses) I don't exactly understand the idea of dropping poop everywhere you go. Thought the Ghostbusters are in a car, not a horse and buggy.
- The Nerd: [Playing Ghostbusters 2 for NES, commenting on its level setup] And that's what I'm fuckin' talking about. Ghostbusters should be nothing more complicated than just running around, zapping ghosts! So it's a huge, huge improvement over the first game. But that's not saying much. It still sucks monkey fuck and pukes diarrhea up your fucking asshole. And that's interesting, because the movie Ghostbusters II is definitely inferior to the first one. So, I guess the formula works like this: A good movie equals... a shitty, fuckin' game. But, [throws game to ground] a not-so-good movie equals a game... that's not as shitty.
- The Nerd: [voiceover] It's also stupid that A shoots slime, and B jumps. Usually, it's the other way around. As for Start and Select, they don't do donkey dick. Usually Start is "Pause", but here, there's no fuckin' way to pause the damn game. [throws controller to the floor]
- The Nerd: I mean, if you've gotta go answer the phone, or take a shit, it's like, tough shit if you gotta take a shit! You gotta take a quick shit! You gotta have turbo turds! I'm trying to play the game, I got shit stains in my pants, and an answering message on my phone that says, "Sorry. I'm playing Ghostbusters 2 on Nintendo." What a selfish game. BOTTOM LINE, HAVE A FUCKIN' PAUSE BUTTON! GODDAMMIT! [throws an Ecto-1 toy to the ground]
- The Nerd: [reviewing Ghostbusters on Sega Genesis] I like this? I can't believe what I'm saying.
- The Nerd: I think the world is coming to an end. Seriously, like fire and brimstone coming down from the skies. Rivers and seas boiling! 40 years of darkness! Earthquakes! Volcanoes! The dead rising from their graves! Human sacrifice, dogs and cats livin' together, mass hysteria! But don't worry, I'll find something about it that sucks.
- The Nerd: [voiceover] Guess what the toughest enemies in the game are? Coffee cups. You'd think they'd shatter after just one hit, but no. They take forever to break. I don't get it. Lots of the enemies are just annihilated after just one hit, but not those. Don't fuck with the coffee cups.
- The Nerd: [voiceover] The boss battles are cool, although sometimes really random, like this blue guy that comes apart. Come on, die! Alright-- Oh, he's still got a head! Yeah! You got the crystal monkey man, the evil snowman, the fire dragon, the flame guy, the face that emerges from the wall, the woman who multiplies into three; gotta shoot the real one. Then there's the Grim Reaper who looks like Dracula from Castlevania II, then there's the plant which reminds me of Little Shop of Horrors, which is an interesting connection because Rick Moranis starred in the remake, and he was Louis in Ghostbusters. Then you got Stay Puft who relentlessly attacks you during the stage, but then at the end, you finally get to punish him for all the shit he put you through. Die! Die! Get him, get him, get him, get him, get him, get him! Yeah! He's dead as shit!
- The Nerd: [voiceover] In a sea of terrible Ghostbusters games, this one [Ghostbusters for Sega Genesis] stands out, and it's still fun to play. If you can somehow get your hands on it, I'd check it out.
- The Nerd: So, this concludes my 3-part review of all the Ghostbusters games that I can get my hands on. Is it kinda ironic that I end on one that's actually kinda decent? I don't know. I mean, is it anymore ironic that the same guy who did the voice for Garfield did the voice for Peter Venkman in the Ghostbusters cartoon? Well, Bill Murray was a live-action Peter Venkman, and he also did the voice of Garfield in the movie.
- The Nerd: [voiceover] And one more thing: Ghostbusters 3. Is it really gonna happen? Should it happen? Well, if they made The Santa Clause 3, Free Willy 3, Home Alone 3, Psycho 3, The Neverending Story 3, Problem Child 3, and about ten thousand Scary Movie and American Pie sequels, all the crap that gets shat out of Hollywood's big fat fuckin' ass, I don't see why Ghostbusters 3 shouldn't get made. I grew up with those movies. I would love to see those guys put on the proton packs one more time. Even if the whole movie's just the Ghostbusters sittin' around takin' a shit, I'd go see it.
- Kyle Justin as Spider-Man: (on Spider-Man on Atari 2600) THIS GAME SUCKS MY SPIDER-BALLS! IT'S HORRIBLE!
- AVGN: (on Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Six) The game's Spider-Man: Return of the Sinister Shit.
- Spider-Man: (hitting himself with the Game Boy in frustration) What the fuck is wrong with these game designers?! They don't know what the fuck they're doing! I can't believe they did this to me! They made a game out of me and it's fuckin' shit!! IT'S HORRIBLE! (throws the Game Boy to the ground)
- Spider-Man: (while AVGN jokes about the pizza-delivering objectives early in Spider-Man 2 on Game Boy Advance) I'm a super hero. I shouldn't be known as a pizza delivery man.
- AVGN: I wish Spider-Man would deliver my pizzas every day.
- Spider-Man: (raises middle finger to AVGN) I'm gonna fucking shove a pizza up your fuckin' ass!
- Kyle Justin: (singing to the tune of the Spider-Man theme song)
- Spider-Man, Spider-Man
- Takes a dump in a coffee can
- Plays some games with a grudge
- Gonna shit out some anal fudge
- Look out, here comes some shitty games
- Alcohol is his power source
- Takes a piss like a drunken horse
- Climbs a wall, then he falls
- This game sucks his spider-balls
- Oh no, he's playing the shitty games
- When he plays his games
- He feels so ashamed
- He shoots web from his wrist
- But now Spider-Man's fucking pissed
- The Nerd: Wow. It's like you get to play the games on a CD! Check out the graphics! Full motion video, opposed to video that isn't full motion! 64 simultaneous colors! 12.5 MHz processor! Holy shit! This thing is total FUCKIN' GAR-BITCH! How would you like it if I conduct the rest of the video like this? (screen becomes smaller and the video choppier, like the Sega CD's "FMV.") "Full motion video", my fuck! I'd rather be full fuckin' screen!
- The Nerd: So you put the fuckin' game in, and oh, guess what? It runs off of its own power adapter. Yeah, that's two. One for the Genesis and one for the Sega CD. If it can't run off the same power, why couldn't it just be its own independent system? Instead it's like a fuckin' parasite or somethin'. Then there's this problem: the load time. Load of fuck! You could go dump your fuck in the fucking time it takes. So if you're gonna play the Sega CD, grab a fucking beer and be patient.
- The Nerd: Willy Beamish. The teacher talks to you, and you come up with answers. Should I say, "Oh, that was my frog, Horny."? The frog's name is "Horny"?
- The Nerd: Now we got Sol-Feace. More like Sol-Feces! Well, holy shit, I gotta be honest. It reminds me of R-Type or LifeForce, and that's pretty cool, so all I gotta say is, this one's not bad.
- The Nerd: The Sega CD had its place in history. I mean, don't get me wrong, it's a piece of shit. But it had a certain appeal. The 32X is the real deal. It sucks. Oh God, it sucks. You plop it on the top of the Genesis, like they're mating. God, I mean, do you think that's enough add-ons? It doesn't even look aesthetically presentable. I mean, it's just like an ugly tumor. I mean, did they really need all this bullshit leeching on the Genesis? That poor Genesis is just thinking: "Oh, please, God, take this shit off me." It's like getting gang-raped. Both of its slots are getting fucked at the same time.
- The Nerd: (plugging in the power adapters for the game consoles) Here goes the Genesis, the Sega CD, and... bullshit. What a load of fucking bullshit. How did they fuck this up so bad? I can't even turn it the other way because it doesn't fit. Why can I only plug in two power adapters? Why can't these go sideways? Or, better yet, why the Hell do they have these box things? Why can't it just be like this? (ends in a thin plug)
- The Nerd: (playing Primal Rage with only the background visible) Great title screen, huh? There isn't even any title at all. (cuts to the character select menu, where once again no characters are visible) What is this? Wh-wait a minute. Oh, please, God, tell me what's going on. Why can't I see the characters? I'm playing Invisible Primal Rage! Alright, let's try Virtua Fighter. (the characters aren't visible here either) What the FUCK?! Guess what, we left something out. There's another cable which connects the Genesis to the 32X. Isn't it enough that the damn thing is inserted on to the top of the Genesis? Why does it need another connector? 'Look at this. It's a fuckin' mess. And what a perfect visual analogy. Sega invented the 32X to increase the lifespan of the Genesis, and that's exactly what the friggin' thing looks like. It's on life support.
- The Nerd: And just to celebrate their failure, or just for shits and giggles, they released a few CD-32X games, which required both the 32X and the Sega CD. So, if you happened to own this pile of vomit and this piece of shit, you can mix the two together.
- The Nerd: Alright, this is Silver Surfer. Silver Shit! (inserts game into NES and turns it on) He looks so stupid! I mean, what the hell's wrong with him? He's just like... like... (The Nerd tries to imitate Silver Surfer's pose.)
- The Nerd: What'd I say before? This game's not bad? Well, no. It isn't bad. It's FUCKIN' HORRIBLE! And I dare you to play it.
- The Nerd: I can't take it anymore. (Drinks some Yuengling) You know... there's really no point of going on. It's not like there's a reward, like there's a pot of gold sittin' on top of the TV. You know if you beat the game, it probably just says "The End", and that's it. So to keep playing it, you gotta be a fuckin' nerd.
- The Nerd: I mean this game just pukes snot up my ass. It's like you touch the top of the building, you die, you touch the ceiling, you die, you touch the floor, you die, too far to the right, you die, too far to the left, you die, you die, you die, you die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, die, DIE! (lies on the floor, holds his eyes in anger, and mimics the game over screen) (upset voice) Oh, God, I can't fuckin' stand it.
- The Nerd: This game is so hard, it would actually be easier to go outside in a thunderstorm and try to dodge rain. It would be easier to walk barefoot, without your toes or heels touching the floor. It'd be easier to pick fly shit out of pepper... while wearing boxing gloves! The fact you can get hit only once, pretty much means that you're weaker than every other enemy in the game. HOW DO YOU DIE FROM JUST TOUCHING A WALL?! I can understand if he's flying at like 200 miles per hour and he crashes into the wall, but the fact that he just touches the wall and dies is just ridiculous. I never read any of the comics, so I don't know what Silver Surfer's powers are, but isn't he supposed to be pretty strong? So why'd they make him into a wimp?! Why is he fuckin' up rubber ducks and weepin' like a crybaby? It's like some sort of fuckin' joke! Like what if they had Bruce Lee tripping over his own shoelaces? It's a fuckin' insult! This game should've been classic! But instead, it's worthless! It's as worthless as this fuckin' LJN poster I have back here! Man, I would just piss and shit all over this fuckin' game! In fact, JUST THINKING ABOUT IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE HAVIN' AN ANAL EVACUATION! (Swigs some Yuengling) Fuck...! (Gets up, takes game out, and then throws it against the wall)
- The Nerd: Somewhere up here, there's a rope which, I don't know if it's important or not. You blow up this gym locker or whatever it is and he says, "I'd have to be desperate to tie that on and jump off! No, thanks!" Are you kidding me? Have you ever had a video game character talk back to you and say, "No, I'm not gonna do that!"? Going back to Mario again, what if Mario just said "You know, I'm really not feeling up to jumping over that platform. No, thanks!"? This is ridiculous. I mean, he won't climb down with a rope, but he'll jump out a window and fucking kill himself?!
- The Nerd: So, I'm taking the stairs down, now I found some blueprint of the 5th floor. Whoa! Now we're talking about the 5th floor? "Take out the main computer"? I'm getting confused. So, I'm going around, trying to kill people, and Officer Carl Winslow keeps talking to me. So, I'm just walking around, waiting for whatever random stuff to happen, then the police car blows up! I'm like, "What does this have to do with anything?" But then Steve Urkel comes on! I'm like, "What the fuck!?"
- The Nerd: There's guys around every corner, there's guys coming out of the elevator, there's guys coming out of your ass, it's crazy!
- AVGN: Oh God... Oh God! Let me ask a question: what do you get when you take a movie, that's ASS, and you make it into a game? You get a pieceashit! Now, if you get a piece of ass, that's... a good thing. But if you get a pieceaSHIT, you don't want that! And this of course, is Independence Day for the Playstation. I don't even wanna talk about this. It's makin' me sick. MAKIN' ME SICK!
- AVGN: I think it's a graphic flaw. Nothing appears until it's right up in your fuckin' face! What the ASS is that all about? To describe this game's assness, all I can say is, it's very ass.
- AVGN: The radar doesn't do diddly dick! It's too small, it makes no fuckin' sense, and...I don't like it.
- AVGN: The worst thing about this is that it makes me feel really guilty to be playing it! Like I should be doing something better with my time—like rolling dog turds in cement! Like, I gotta get away from this game! I gotta get out of this room! I gotta go out somewhere & do something wild—like get a tattoo on my face of a goat holding up a baby snorting cocaine off its penis!
- AVGN: You know, I played a lotta fuck in my day, but this game is... FUCK. The lack of music, the droning effect it has, it reminds me of somethin' very similar. Something from the past. Top Gun on the NES. [Top Gun music and screenshots from game accompany The Nerd's speech.] While I hated it and it drove me insane, I would rather play this than Independence Day. In fact, just thinkin' about it is like a breath of fresh air. Makes me feel like a shitty log comin' out of a buffalo's ass and landin' in a bowl of M&Ms.
- AVGN: Now, as always, I don't care if you agree with my opinions on games, but what I do care, you enjoy the video, you have a great 4th of July, drink some beers, but be safe, and most important - celebrate your independence not to play shitty fuckin' games.
- AVGN: Bringing back the horrible memories of these games can best be described like this: Imagine if you trapped a wet, smelly piece of dog shit inside an airtight container. Then, like twenty years later, you open that shit up, you take a good smell, and there you go. Welcome back.
- AVGN: (playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants) It's strangely satisfying to jump on those aliens' heads. After all, don't you wish you could just go around killing aliens? Not making purple things not purple? Why not just fucking shit all over 'em and make everything brown?
- AVGN: I just wanted to point out that for a game titled "Bart vs. the World", there really isn't a lot of "the world" in the game. No shit, right? Just Egypt, China, the North Pole, and Hollywood? Pretty fucking educational, right? When I was eleven years old, my whole world was video games, just locked in my room playing Bart vs. the Space Mutants and all this crap. And I wasted all my time on this shit! I want it back! It ruined my life! (drinks beer) Bart's my ass and Krusty's my balls! Fuck this shit. Now I'm gonna eat my own shorts. (the Nerd puts his beer down, rips out his boxers with his teeth, and devours it in a ravenous manner)
The Bugs Bunny Birthday Blowout
- The Nerd: (sarcastically) Wow, how awesome could this be? Bugs Bunny's Birthday Blowout. Well, it was a blowout, alright. Blowout your FUCK!
- The Nerd: Yeah, this game's really a no-brainer. [drinks beer]
- [Bugs Bunny appears in Nerd's room]
- The Nerd: [spits out beer] OH MY GOD! IT'S BUGS BUNNY!
- Bugs Bunny: Nyah... [eats carrot] What’s up, Doc?
- The Nerd: [walks up to Bugs] I can't believe it! In my own house! Bugs Bunny! BUGS FUCKIN' BUNNY! [punches Bugs in the stomach and in the face]
- The Nerd: This game is garbage!
- Bugs Bunny: Nyaaaah-
- The Nerd: [grabs Bugs by the ears and pounds his head on the floor; the commas that follow mark the head pounding] I'D RATHER PUT MY BALLS IN A CROCODILE'S MOUTH, WHILE SHOVING MY HEAD UP A UNICORN'S ASSHOLE!
- Bugs Bunny: Nyah, what's up, fuck-cock vagina fuck-fuck?!
- Bugs Bunny: Nyah, ain't I a fockin' stinker, motherfucker?!
- The Nerd: Ain't you a godfuckingdamn fockin' pieceashit!
- The Nerd: [after finding out Bugs' friends were pulling pranks on him] I'LL SHOW YOU SOME FUNNY TRICKS! [headbutts Bugs and starts punching him]
- Bugs: [while being pummeled] Nyyyyyyyyyaaaaaaaaaah, what's up, COCK?!
- The Nerd: [kicks him in the face] I'll show you what's up, you fuckin' bunny piece of fuck!
- The Nerd: [While punching Bugs Bunny] BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BLOWOUT? WELL HOW BOUT' BUGS BUNNY'S BIRTHDAY BEATING!
- The Nerd: [after pummeling Bugs to the ground] Ya wanna Shoruyken?!!
- The Nerd: You want some shit? [drops his pants] BOMBS AWAY, BUGS BITCH! [diarrhea falls through a fake fuck]
- Bugs: Nyyyyaaah, [diarrhea pours onto his face] oh shit! OH SHIT! Nyah!
- The Nerd: Ugh, man! [takes off fake ass] Don't worry, folks. It's not real. [Merrie Melodies spoof theme starts playing and Bugs is shown in distress] [while giving middle finger] Fuck you, Bugs Bunny! [gives middle finger through fake fuckhole] FUCK YOU, BUGS BUNNY! [tosses fake ass] There you go. Got your ass handed to you. [iris out, then cut to a drum, which the Nerd pops out of in a similar fashion to Porky Pig] Ah-duh, ah-duh, duh, that's all, fucks! [raises middle finger]
- The Nerd: (playing Custer's Revenge) All ya do, is bang the chick, dodge the spears. Bang the chick, dodge the spears. Y'know, ya gotta give this guy credit; he's under attack and he still has the nerve to go over and screw this woman against a cactus. I think it's a cactus; with Atari, ya really can't tell. You know what bothers me? The spears don't even come down all the way; they like disappear, so it doesn't even make sense when they hit you. But over-analyzin' this game isn't even worth it. It's nothing more than a joke, it stirred up a lot of outrage when it came out in 1982, Native Americans were offended, women activists were offended, parents were offended if their kids got a hold of this, and I am offended, because this game's a fuckin' pieceashit!
- The Nerd: (playing Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em) Y'know, there's really somethin' wrong with this whole scene. You gotta be a total fuckin' whore to stand naked at the bottom of a building with your mouth wide open to catch jizz from some guy jerkin' off on top of a roof! What kinda sick bitches are these?! And what's the deal with this guy? Either he has a huge dick, or he's a dwarf! I mean what the fuck kinda game is this?!
- The Nerd: Well, what can ya say? Atari and porn. Witches, door-to-door prostitutes, rooftop beaters, cowboy rapists... what more can ya ask for? Remember the commercials? "Have you played Atari today?" Well fuck yeah, I did! But you don't wanna know what I was playin'.
- AVGN: It's time to chill out. Nah, don't worry. I'm not goin' mellow on you or anything like that. And, next time, it's gonna be a game review again. But for now, I just want to take you back to one of the most important parts of my childhood: Nintendo Power. You know, today, there's Internet. Anything you want to know about any game, you just look it up. But, back then, your only source of information was magazines, like Nintendo Power. If you had a subscription, you were the man! One of your friends would be breakin' their balls to beat some game and you'll be like, "Oh, I know how to beat that game.", or, "I know a code." That's because you had the power. Nintendo Power, motherfucker!
- AVGN: One thing that used to piss me off was the NES Achievers section. It's just a buncha nerds showin' off their high scores. But, how do you prove it? You have to take a photo of your screen. And, nobody really knew how to do that. Remember, there were no digital cameras back then, so you take the picture of your screen, you have no fuckin' clue what it looks like. And, there could be, like, 20 other pictures on the roll, so, you either have to, like, waste them all or wait until it gets finished. You get your mom or dad to take it to the store to get the picture developed, it comes back, and what does it look like? It looks like fuckin' shit!
- AVGN: 'Member that shitty movie The Wizard? and that fuckin' dumbass Super Mario Bros. movie? Man, I remember readin' about that and being so excited, I couldn't wait to see that movie! But it was just like waitin' for a buffalo to take a shit all over your face. (Raspberry)
- AVGN: As Nintendo Power progressed, the ads went from being weird to just being fuckin' disgusting. Why the Hell is there a jar of toenail clippings in a video game magazine? What were they thinking!? Now, here's the worst one yet. It's some old creepy bitch holdin' a log of shit. Goddamn. One ad was so gross, I stapled the page shut. I'm actually not joking. Then, this one just shows a hurl bag. Yeah, that's great. That just sums up how I feel about the whole situation. Nintendo Power! Don't open unless you've got a barf bag! (looks into Nintendo Power, then pretends to vomit into a bag)
- AVGN: There's also a contest in every issue. Grand prizes would include a sneak showing of the Ninja Turtles movie, a chance to meet Arnold Schwarzenegger, to win Bill & Tedphone booth, to win a Street Fighter II arcade machine, to dig up dinosaurs, or to be an extra in The Mask II. The Mask II? (sarcastically) Oh, that's a great prize! (normally) That movie never got fuckin' made, unless you count Son of Mask, but that wasn't until about 10 years later! And, did they give the winner a rain check for that: to be in a movie with a computer-generated baby or any of the other sequels to Jim Carrey movies that don't have Jim Carrey?
- AVGN: (reading letters) "It is quite apparent what an active and important role marketing plays in the video game industry. I have to wonder what you are thinking when marketing the Nintendo 64 to elementary school gamers. You risk alienating gamers 15 and up. You should target older gamers, because you'll also target younger ones, since the younger audience's perception of coolness often depends on what the older, teenage audience thinks is cool." I agree. And the response? "Your suggestion inspired us to target more teens with our marketing, so tune in to a very special episode of Friends this week to see-" Okay, here's my letter. "Dear Nintendo Power editor, what the fuck is your problem?"
- AVGN: (As Fester) You were expecting, uh, maybe uh, the Ninja Turtles? (a reference to the Nerd's review of the third Ninja Turtles movie)
- AVGN: (As Wednesday) This game better stop sucking fuck, or else I'm gonna have to give it the finger. The middle finger!
- AVGN: (As Gomez) I think it's a fuckload of fuck!
- AVGN: (As Fester) Think you'd better shut your fuck!
- AVGN: (As Fester) That's the last guy. It's over.
- AVGN: (As Wednesday) That's just the first boss.
- AVGN: (As Fester) That's the last guy.
- AVGN: (As Gomez) It's not.
- AVGN: (As Fester) I know, but let's just say that it is, because that's all I can take.
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
- Opening Crawl: In 1983, a shitty game based on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre was released for the Atari 2600 by Wizard Video Games. It was a tragic failure and tried to aim for the adult market. Its pixelated violence was enough to get it banned from stores or hidden behind the counter, limiting its sales to obscurity. For them, an ideal hit movie-based game would become a nightmare. But had the game been well known, nobody would have expected nor they would wished to see as much of the mad and macabre doodoo diarrhea bullshit as they were to see in that sucky ass game. Close to 25 years later, it would be discovered by one of the most frustrated gaming geeks on the internet, The Angry Video Game Nerd.
- [AVGN comes to a barn where a hillbilly playing a banjo is selling old video games]
- AVGN: What have you got here?
- Hillbilly: Bunch of shit.
- AVGN: I see. Unfortunately this is kind of my thing. (Notices the Texas Chainsaw Massacre Atari 2600 cartridge) How much is this one right here?
- Hillbilly: A hundred.
- AVGN: A hundred? As in like a hundred dollars?
- Hillbilly: No, shit-for-brains, a hundred centavos. Of course a hundred dollars! We are living in the US of A, ain't we?
- AVGN: I - I'll take it for 50.
- Hillbilly: ..It's a hundred.
- AVGN: It's a piece of shit. Look at this! Look at this stock label! I mean, do you know what this is supposed to be? Can you tell me what this is?
- Hillbilly: I have no idea what that is. I can tell you what it looks like: It looks like the shit stain in the bottom of my drawers right now!
- AVGN: This is a shit stain on a shitty game! That perfectly just sums it all up.
- Hillbilly: That, there, is a rare video game, Boy.
- AVGN: Unfortunately I'm like - like flies on a piece of shit because I just can't stay away from this stuff.
- AVGN: So, when the game's over, the screen goes black, like a Mortal Kombat fatality. And the girl kicks you in the butt. How violent, she kicks you in the rear. Now I can take bodies getting slashed apart with the chainsaw, but a kick in the ass? That's fucking hardcore. Fuck this game. What a piece of shit.
- AVGN: (after being attacked by Chop Top and Leatherface) You've gotta believe me, there's this guy coming after me!
- Hillbilly: Hey, hey! Settle down.
- AVGN: I'm not kidding! I'm really not kidding. He's-
- Hillbilly: Calm down, little buddy. Be cool. Be calm. Be collected... hey, what's that over there? (knocks the Nerd out with his banjo) Batter-up, bitch boy! (starts dragging the Nerd away. As he does so, he sings) Hey there, motherfuckers... Don't tell me what I should do... 'Cause they be motherfuckers...
- Chop Top: (while the Nerd is being tortured by being forced to play the game) How do you like that, Nerd? How do ya like!? How do ya like!? (cackles)
- Hillbilly: Playing that game like he really don't like it? Ain't that a shame. Listen to him whimper like a little girl. HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH HEH hee hee hee! Yeah, boy. (the Nerd summons enough rage to free himself from his bindings and make an escape) Oh, shit!
[the Nerd hears a knock as his door, and sees two kids; one dressed as Optimus Prime and the other dressed as Swamp Thing at his door]
- Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: Trick-or-treat!
- The Nerd: Oh, oh, you want some trick-or-treat? Okay, here's some trick-or-treat for ya! [grabs one of the bag and defecates into it. then he hands it back to Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing]
- Optimus Prime & Swamp Thing: Ewwwwww!!
- The Nerd: There you go, you little fuckers! There's some chocolate for ya.
- Swamp Thing: That's not chocolate, that's poop.
- The Nerd: It's not chocolate, nor is it poop. It's fuck!
- Optimus Prime: Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
- Swamp Thing: Yeah, I want some candy!
- The Nerd: Oh, yeah. [puts "Halloween" Atari 2600 game back in the box then opens door again.] Hey, wait! I got something for you, too! A shitty game! [gives it to Optimus Prime]
- Optimus Prime: What the heck is this?
- The Nerd: It's an Atari game.
- Swamp Thing: What the heck is an Atari, you dope?
- The Nerd: Oh. Oh, you don't know what an Atari is? Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.
- Swamp Thing: First you poo in my bag, then you don't give me any candy. You're a dope.
- The Nerd: [gives Atari 2600 to Optimus Prime] There you go. Have fun.
- Optimus Prime: Hey, you dope! I want some candy!
- AVGN: Did I just die by walking into the fuckin' door!? Yeah. Everything kills you. Literally. Everything.
- AVGN: The decisions to make in this game are similar to if... say you're standing in a pool full of piss all the way up to your neck. Then somebody comes in with a bucket full of fuck to dump on your head. Do you duck down under the piss? Or do you just stay up and take on the shit? This game is like a cruel joke that you play on your friends. It's like, "Hey, you wanna play a game? Here you go, you fuckers!"
- AVGN: This game is notorious among gamers as being one of the most frustrating games in existence. At some time or another, it seems everyone takes a shot at it, and after this review, I'm sure many more people will suffer over it, which is unfortunate. But to quote Full Metal Jacket, "It's just one big shit sandwich and we all gotta take a bite."
- AVGN: (upon being returned to the first screen after getting a Game Over on the second) Man... Man, fuck that shit. Man, you think I'm gonna put myself through that again?! I - GODDAMMIT MAN - (imitates shooting off four of his fingers, leaving the middle one extended upward) MAN, FUCK this game, man! Man - Jesus Christ, I'd rather fucking 69 a grizzly bear while shoving King Kong up my ass! I'd rather fucking stand in the middle of a ring of monkeys as they pelt me to death with their own anal waste!
An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part One
- AVGN: (receiving Home Alone 2 for the NES in a gift-wrapped box) Oh gee. Thanks for sending me this crappy game! Coal would've been nice! Or even better, a bag of poop! So thanks!
- AVGN: So, you start the game trying to escape from this hotel because they found out that you used a stolen credit card. Now you don't wanna fuck with this hotel - they'll get everybody after ya. Not even just the people who work there, but bouncing old ladies with umbrellas, mops - yeah, crazy bloodthirsty mops will try to get ya. Vacuum cleaners? Yeah, those suck you up.
- AVGN: Here, get up the ladder! Get up the fucking ladder! There's birds fucking all over me! Get up the fucking ladder! Fuck, fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK! (yells in anger and takes the game out of his NES) Merry Christmas, you filthy animal! YOU MISERABLE FUCKING CUNTING PIECE OF FUCK! (hurls the game off-screen and walks up to his game cabinet) Fucky games! All my life! Fucky fucking games! I hate fucky fucking games! And I hate fucky fucking Christmas because fucky fucking Christmas means more fucky fucking games! HUMBUG! BAH! FUCKING HUMBUG IT TO FUCKKKKKKKKK!!!
An Angry Nerd Christmas Carol Part Two
- Stuttering Craig as the Ghost of Christmas Past: Greetings, Nerd! Forgive this intrusion, for it is I, the Ghost of Christmas Past!
- AVGN: (hits himself on the head) I ain't seeing this!
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Why do you doubt your senses, Nerd?
- AVGN: Because, I wasn't ready to go completely insane tonight.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: But you already have! Drowning in your own misery and torment!
- AVGN: (Extends his middle finger) You see this?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: I do see it.
- AVGN: ...But you're not looking at it.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: But I see it.
- AVGN: ...Look. Ghost. Why do you come to me?
- Ghost of Christmas Past: Well, to take you back to the past!
- AVGN: To play the fucky games that suck fuck? No thanks.
- Ghost of Christmas Past: This is your past, Nerd!
- Handsome Tom as the Ghost of Christmas Present: You remember the excitement?
- AVGN: Who are you?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: I'm the Ghost of Christmas Present, bitch.
- AVGN: Well what do you want?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: I just wanted to remind you the fond memories you had of Super Nintendo. You remember Metroid? Zelda? Mario? You only choose to dwell on crap. You know what you're doing right now?
- AVGN: Talking to you?
- Ghost of Christmas Present: No, this is all out of body. Don't you get it? Right now you're looking back at reviewing one of the worst games on the Super Nintendo. (AVGN looks through a nearby door to see himself reviewing a game.)
- Other AVGN: Shaq Fu. Just the name makes people cringe. Like, you don't even wanna go there. You are so full of fuck.
- Other AVGN: The title doesn't even sound good. Shaq Fu? It's like a joke. I mean just the fact that they can release a fighting game starring Shaquille O'Neal and call it Shaq Fu pretty much proves that you can put "Fu" at the end of anything. How about "Robin Williams Fu" or "U2Fu"? I mean, who came up with this shit!? What, were they smoking crack up their fuck!?
- Future AVGN: You remember the Nintendo Wii? Yeah, that's actually what they called it. But it was very revolutionary when it first came out. But looking at it now, it's like a baby's toy. Now, I got this bullfuck fuck game called Far Cry Vengeance. Now you put the word "Vengeance" at the end of anything, and it's sure to suck.
- AVGN: IT'S CHRISTMAS! WHAT A GLORIOUS CHRISTMAS DAY! (goes back to his games cabinet cackling with euphoria) Look at all these games! Look at all these games! I think I'm going to play Super Mario World! Fuck yeah! This game's awesome! In fact, I should just play good games from now on. (after a moment, the Nerd's expression turns sour, and he turns off the game and grabs the Virtual Boy) Man, fuck that! Let's play some fucky ones!
Chronologically Confused 2: The Legend of Zelda Timeline
- AVGN: Shigeru Miyamoto, the man responsible for all these great games did an interview with Nintendo Power sometime before the release of the Ocarina of Time and this is what he said. "Ocarina of Time is the first story, then the original Legend Of Zelda, then Zelda II: The Adventure of Link and finally A Link to the Past. It's not very clear where Link's Awakening fits in. It could be anytime after Ocarina of Time." Now whoa, I'm nobody to argue. Don't get me wrong about the man himself, but how is Link to the Past the last? I had a hard time accepting that any game would take place before it, but now it's the last? Then why is it called Link to the Past? If it was meant to be the end, why wouldn't it be called Link to the Future?
- AVGN: So what right do I have to argue with Miyamoto? I don't. However, I can offer three explanations to why he says Link to the Past goes at the end. 1, He was being interviewed and he was caught on the spot, so it could've been a simple mistake. 2, Link to the Past was once a prequel, but its place in the timeline changed so his quote is somehow correct. 3, it's just a game so who gives a shit?
- AVGN: Now a second Zelda game was for the Nintendo 64 was released, Majora's Mask. This one was a sequel to Ocarina of Time. But wait, not a sequel to the end where adult Link defeats Ganon, No! It's a sequel to young Link after he got sent back. So now any speculation of Nintendo ever making a sequel to Zelda II is deader than shit. They can't even make a sequel that follows in consecutive order. Instead, they just keep going back and then maybe taking a small step up again and then back again. We have a sequel to the original, a prequel to the original, a sequel to the prequel, a prequel to the prequel, and a sequel of the young Link of the prequel's prequel. WHAT THE FUCK?! At this point, if you want to try to make any sense out of this whole thing then go right ahead, but not me. At this point, I really didn't give a shit.
- AVGN: What about the games on the Philips CD-I? There was Zelda: Wand of Gamelon, Link: The Faces of Evil, & Zelda’s Adventure. And hey, Princess Zelda actually plays a bigger role in those games. So why don’t you count those? Maybe because they suck diarrhea shit from an asshole fountain.
- AVGN: Fuck. I gotta do this one now? Well, guess I might as well, 'cuz there's a new Rambo movie comin' out. Back in the '80s, Rambo was the shit, but the NES game was just plain fuck. (the Nerd puts the game in the NES toploader) Well, it's based off Rambo: First Blood Part II rather than the first one. I guess making a game where you're going around killing cops... probably wasn't their best interest.
- AVGN: When Rambo meets the girl for the second time in the game, you're given an option. Rather than conducting business, you can say: "What do you think of me?" The game doesn't advance until you stop asking it, so what's the point? And how cocky can Rambo be to expect a compliment? She could have said, "What do I think of you? You look like a hairless gorilla and when your mouth is open, you really freak me out."
- AVGN: Why does the fuckin' password have to be so godfuckingdamn long?! Is it really necessary to have both capital and lowercase letters, as well as numbers, question marks and exclamation marks too?! If you're writing this down, you're gonna get confused. S's look like 5's, 0's look like O's, capital and lowercase letters can look identical, and lowercase L's look like 1's and uppercase I's. That's something I have no tolerance for. The password system should be simple, straightforward, and easy to use. As long as you know the password, you should be able to enter it, and move on. It doesn't need to be a fucking project! Fuckholes!
- AVGN: But then comes Rambo. How do you follow Rambo III with just Rambo? That doesn't even make any sense. It's like you're going backwards. So, now if someone says, "I'm watching Rambo," it's like, "Oh. Oh, what do you mean? Do you mean First Blood? Or do you mean Rambo: First Blood Part II? Or do you mean Rambo, the 4th movie?" That's what it is, the fourth fuckin' movie! Why couldn't they have just called it Rambo IV? One, two, three, four!! (Pretends to have head explosion, then goes nuts and collapses on the floor while he rips a poster off the wall.)
- The Nerd: Virtual reality seemed like the way of the future. Just the idea feeling like you were in the game was an awesome concept. But instead, it turned out to be the grand mother-load of shit. The first problem was it was marketed as a portable system. Yeah, portable. My ass is portable! You could barely find a comfortable way to play this big, red, ugly piece of shit at home, let alone bring it somewhere. Like, you couldn't play it in a car or something like that. And, come to think of it, you wouldn't want to play this thing in public anyway. You'd look like an asshole!
- The Nerd: [playing Galactic Pinball] So, in the long run, it just makes you wish you were playing a real pinball machine instead or anything other than this. I feel like I'm taking an eye exam. And speaking of that, my eyes are starting to hurt already. If you play this long enough and go blind, you can really become the Pinball Wizard.
- The Nerd: Well now, we saved the worst for last: It's Waterworld. Now, let's just stop for a moment and take this in, okay? [Breathes deeply] Waterworld... on Virtual Boy. It's like pukin' on a pile of shit!
The Wizard of Oz
- The Nerd: But now, on with the game. Let's start off with the enemy run-down. We got bloodthirsty bluebirds, frogs, chattering teeth, pink soldiers, some weird-looking dude, flying elephants which are supposed to be monkeys, a blobby blue guy, and killer chairs. Is this Wizard of Oz or Pee-wee's Playhouse? Then, there's all these buzz saws. Kinda violent, don't you think? Everything imaginable wants you dead. Even water faucets coming out of trees. Even the hands of a clock can kill you. (holding an analog clock) Oh God, there it is! Watch out for the clock! (imitates getting attacked by the clock)
- The Nerd: Remember the scene from the movie where Dorothy kicks the shit out of a giant crow wearing a vest?
- Cowardly Lion: With a knuck! And a ruck! And a fuck! And a f-fuck!
- The Nerd: Hey man, did you just swear?!
- Cowardly Lion: Uh, (laughs) yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, fuck you, fuck you, dick, dick, dick! (laughs)
- The Nerd: (resumes explaining the game) Now, the only problem with the Lion is that after he dies only once...
- Cowardly Lion: (Gasps) Die?
- The Nerd: ...he never comes back!
- Cowardly Lion: (The Cowardly Lion runs out, but dies in an explosion.) Fuck!
- The Nerd: SHIT! Come on!
- Cowardly Lion: (Chuckles) (He sees the Wicked Witch) Oh, is that the Witch? Is that the Witch? She's a bitch, not a witch! (Chortles)
- The Nerd: Come on, you fuckin' green bitch! Melt like diarrhea in the hot sun!
- Cowardly Lion: (Chortles) Yeah! Now, Shove her broom right up her ass! Fuck that bitch! Fuck that bitch! Fuck! Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my ass! (Chortles and barks)
- The Nerd: There's no shitty game like this, I'm serious. Like, it shouldn't have been made. Like, it's almost half as bad as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. And I know it's been like 40-something reviews and I'm still talking about Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. But I'm serious, it's really almost that bad! FUCK THIS GAME, WATCH IT GO! (The Nerd throws the game, the same time the Cowardly Lion shits while doing a handstand making the game glued to the ceiling.) Daaaaaamn! You just plastered the game on my ceiling with your shit!
- (The Lion laughs)
- Cowardly Lion: Wicked Witch of the East, Wicked Witch of the West, Wicked Witch of my balls, Wicked Witch of the fuck, Wicked Witch of my dick, Wi-- Wicked Witch of the ass. Wi-- Wicked Witch...
- 'The Nerd: [cracking up] Wicked Witch of the ass! [Laughs]
Double Vision Part One
- The Nerd: The Intellivision came from Mattel Electronics. Now, you know what else they made? The Power Glove. Now, that's a bad sign right there. But, it was a great game system for its time.
- The Nerd: The games barely fit in the cartridge slot. It's like trying to stick your dick in a Cheerio.
- The Nerd: Okay, we gotta move on, but let me introduce the Intellivoice Voice Synthesis Module. What the fuck is that? Well, it makes your games talk. Yeah. Now, at the time, the idea having voices in video games was a new thing. But unfortunately, only a few games were compatible, like B-17 Bomber.
- Electronic Voice: Mattel Electronics presents: (hillbilly voice) B-17 Bomber.
- The Nerd: (mimics the voice) B-17 BOMBER!
- Electronic Hillbilly Voice: B-17 Bomber!
- The Nerd: Alright, fuck the game. Let's try Bomb Squad.
- Electronic Voice: Mattel Electronics presents: Bomb Squad. (Alarm buzzes) They'll never do it in time! The code! The code! Figure out the code!
- The Nerd: What? Guess I gotta defuse the bomb.
- Electronic Voice: It won't be easy! Replace this third, this fourth, this second, this first!
- The Nerd: Oh, shit! OH, SHIT! OH, GOD! (Exploding)
Double Vision Part Two
- The Nerd: (Also sprach Zarathustra from 2001: A Space Odyssey plays in the background) What's that? A metamorphic stone rising from the blackness and negative Earth, a towering behemoth of monstrosity brought down by extraterrestrial powers, or a giant monolith of death, Hell-bent on the annihilation of humankind, time, and all matter? No. It's the AC adapter for a Colecovision(The Nerd "struggles" to pick it up.) WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY THINKING?! IS THIS NECESSARY?! Look! I can't fit this Godforsaken piece of shit in the electrical outlet, unless there's nothing next to it! What a fucking hog! That's what it is; a self-indulgent glutton of a power hog.
- The Nerd: [Campaign '84] "You were seen putting your shoes on before you put on your pants." Okay, well who the hell was watching me get dressed!? If I wanna put my shoes on first, that's my own goddamn business!
- The Nerd: But before I end it, let's take a look at the ColecoVision Expansion Module. Yeah, what gaming system is complete without some kind of peripheral? You plug it in, and now you can play Atari 2600 games. That's right, I'm playing Atari on ColecoVision, its competitor. Okay, that would never happen today. That's like if Sony said, "Okay, we're gonna come out with this new expansion module for the Playstation 3. You're gonna be able to play X-Box games on it." There would be lawsuits up the ass!
The Wizard and Super Mario Bros. 3
- The Nerd: Especially when you get to the last world, it can get real challenging. This part doesn't fuck around. It's like, "you got to the end, you dare to play, welcome to Hell." That's what it looks like, all this fire and skulls, it looks like Hell! There's sorta like a heart shape around it. Yeah, a heart around Hell. Does that mean that this game loves Hell? This game worships the Devil! Oh, my God, of course it does! Why is there so many inverted crosses? What's the H stand for? Hell?? How about the part with the Tarot cards? The "N"? Necronomicon?? The "P" must be Possession. Or maybe Pentagram. Well, of course, the pentagram makes an appearance everywhere. It's no doubt that the seven sons of Bowser represent the Seven Deadly Sins. You kneel before Satan on the block, and after 6 seconds, you fall through. There's 6 arrows on the possession meter, and to reach the goal, you go to the 6th door. That's 666. Everywhere you look, it's the Number of the Beast. In The Wizard, the game's introduction is basically the gates of Hell opening.
Video Armageddon Host: Come up here, my little beauties!! Crowd: 6! 6! 6!
- The Nerd: Yeah, "Video Armageddon!" The Devil watches you through the whole game. The clouds have eyes, the hills have eyes. Heh, literally, "the hills have eyes." Thanks Heaven, and we know that there's no need to thank Heaven unless there's the presence of Hell. There's 8 worlds. In the eighth world, there's 5 spaces you can stand on where giant hands drag you down to your doom. There's 12 tanks you gotta jump on before the goal, and it takes me 12 jumps to get Bowser to fall down the hole. The 8th letter of the alphabet is H, 5 equals E, 12 equals L, what's that spell? HELL! And what's it sound like when you play the game backwards? (footage is reversed; profanity-laced subliminal message plays) This game's a product of the fucking devil. And none of the other Mario games were like this, so I don't know why it's only this one. But in conclusion, all I can say is that, other than being the total epitome of evil, Super Mario Bros. 3, it's a good game. So good, it's a sin.
- The Nerd: [Reviewing the Miracle Piano] Other than having standard lessons, you also get a robot game. Play the song right or the robot dies! Then there's a duck game You gotta shoot the ducks. Oh, come on! [begins tapping keys rapidly] Yeah, I'm shooting ducks with a piano!
- The Nerd: [reviewing the Power Pad and playing World Class Track Meet with it] It was meant to be a family game, but most kids I knew played it alone in their room. And that meant that if your room was upstairs, your parents would hear like all this thumping and shit. They hated it. Cats and dogs would piss and shit on it. In fact, just thinking about it... makes me feel like having an anal evacuation.
- The Nerd: Yeah. It all comes down to tapping buttons, which brings us to our next accessory. Probably the stupidest thing ever invented: The SpeedBoard. What is it? It's a piece of fucking plastic. You attach your controller, you get it? In case you don't wanna hold the controller with your hands, in case you enjoy playing on the floor, or behind a table, then this is for you. It's embarrassing. What's the point? To put the speed at your fingers? Why in the ass would I need that? If I'm playing a game that involves having to tap the buttons like crazy, I'm probably gonna get a turbo controller, like the NES Max, or NES Advantage. How could they even sell such a thing? Even though it's made by [Pressman Toys,] a third party company, it was actually licensed by Nintendo. It's like covering a turd in ice cream sprinkles.
- The Nerd: Next up, oh boy: the Konami LaserScope. Now, I just wanna go on record by saying I fuckin' love Konami, but this thing reeks of ass! It's essentially yet another form of the Zapper, but it's voice-controlled. To shoot, you say "Fire!"
- The Nerd: Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! It also has headphones, and it advertises on the box that you can use it for your Game Boy or Walkman. Just detach the scope module, yeah. Wow. Yeah, I would look "so cool" walking around listening to my iPod with this fuckin' thing on my head.
- The Nerd: It also advertises that "Parents will love what they don't hear." It says, "While the LaserScope surrounds the player with the sounds of exciting gameplay action, non players can listen to music, read a book, talk on the phone or have a conversation in the same room." Yeah. While you're saying, "Fire! Fire! Fire!", it kinda defeats the purpose, right? Fire! Fire! Fire! Fire! Fuck! [game shoots] I didn't say "Fire!", I said "Fuck!" Fuck! Fuck-Fire! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Ass! You can say anything. Shit! Bitch! Cunt! Fuck! Fart! [shifts to Duck Hunt.] Fuck! Heh. Wow, I just shot down a duck by sayin' "Fuck!"
- The Nerd: [of the Roll & Rock] I'm drinkin' Rolling Rock... on the Roll & Rocker! Rolling Rock, Roll & Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock on the Roll & Rocker! [drinks more Rolling Rock]
- The Nerd: [Playing Super Mario Bros. with the U-Force] Get the mushroom, oh-- Aw, now that's assy. Yeah, I know I use the word "ass" a lot. I guess you can say I'm an ass-oholic.
Indiana Jones Trilogy
- AVGN: If even a single pixel of your body comes in contact with any of these walls, it sends you back into the trap. But still, where do you go? You're supposed to touch this one spot on the wall which leads you to the next room. Well, after knowing that you can't touch anything else in the room, why the fuck would you even consider trying to go through the wall?! Is there ever such a thing as a door?!
- AVGN: (Reviewing Temple of Doom for NES) What's up with Indiana Jones? He looks like a park ranger, and he walks like he just dumped ass.
- AVGN: All through the game you keep finding swords and guns and stuff but the big question is What do you do with them? The start button brings up this screen which shows your supplies. But how do you select your weapons? You try every button and nothing works. So what's the point of this screen? Nothing. It's just for shits and giggles. Oh well, we're having fun with our whip in the meantime. Then you find that your whip is pretty useless. You can use it to swing around and kill small insects but any of the regular bad guys, it only make them jitter around and grunt.
- Enemy: Huh! Huh!
- AVGN: Huh! It should be a dance. (Pretends he's whipping) Huh! Huh! Whip it! Huh! Huh!
- AVGN: (reviewing The Last Crusade on NES) How is Indiana Jones such a wimp that he can't set foot in water more shallow than a kiddie pool?
- AVGN: What dumbasses made this game? Should've sent it to the Marx brothers.
- [A Klingon ship is attacking The Nerd's house]
- The Nerd: Wha-what is it, you want Genesis? [The Nerd picks up a Sega Genesis] You can have Genesis!
- [The Nerd turns off the NES Toploader, takes out the game, puts a phaser to it and is about to blast it out of existence, but he hesitates, eases off, and shakes his head.]
- The Nerd: No. I won't destroy it. Maybe the game designers did the best they could under the given circumstances. [to air] You hear? You'll have to get your entertainment someplace else. [a floating Metron appears in the Nerd's room.] You're a Metron.
- Metron: Does my appearance surprise you, Nerd?
- The Nerd: Not really.
- Metron: You surprise me.
- The Nerd: How?
- Metron: By sparing the shitty game, you have demonstrated the advanced trait of mercy.
- The Nerd: Mercy this, motherfucker! [shoots the Metron]
- AVGN: It's a bird! It's a plane! No, it's a shitty game! Superman for the Atari 2600. I'm playing it on the 7800 just for variety. But anyway, what could be said about Superman? He's one of the most famous superheros of all time. Even the word "super" is in his name. A word that implies excellence, outstanding quality and brilliant divine maginificence! (Gameplay of the Atari 2600 game is shown) Yeah, this sucks.
- AVGN: (reviewing Superman on Atari 2600) The whole game is based around the clock - it's all about getting the fastest time, but the only thing that'll eventually happenis you'll throw the game out the window faster than a speeding bullet!
- AVGN: (reviewing Superman on NES) You have a map screen which seems like it should be self-explanatory enough, but there's times when you have to use a subway train. "Oops! You can't ride the subway with no pass!" What, are you kidding me? He's Superman! He needs to buy a fuckin' ticket?!
- AVGN: There's no reason to talk to anybody in this game. It's like in Castlevania II: Simon's Quest. The whole game is full of people who tell you things that don't make any sense or have any relevance with the game. For example, this old woman tells you not to "look into the Death Star, or you will die". Well, the Death Star is nowhere in the game. Both of these games were released in 1988. Now that must have been the year of people talking and not making sense in video games. (talks to an NPC in Superman) "Haven't you seen the movie, Superman?" Yeah, I did, actually! It's nothing like this garbage!
- AVGN: (discussing the stage intermission screen resembling a Daily Planet newspaper) What? "Daily Planets"? Isn't it just the Daily Planet? I don't know, I've had enough of this. Wait a minute. "Stock Market Panic! Stock prices fall!"? What, are we talking about stocks now? "Find out why stock prices have fallen". "You'll learn about stocks at the stock market." Okay, that's the goal here? To go to the stock market? Oh my god. Do you remember being a kid? Do you remember playing Nintendo? What kind of things were you interested in? Comic books? Video games? Uhhm... the stock market? Yeah, do you think any kid playing this game gives a shit about the fucking stock market?! Just, just, w-wh-why? W-wh-why make a game that has anything to do with stocks or taxes or politics? You just don't do that! It's like "What were they thinking!?" Stocks?! I just can't... I just... puh-(raspberry). Augh, God. I just... what a shitload of fuck. That's enough for me. This game is just so awful that it can't be explained. I can review it for another hour and it won't make a difference. It's an unreviewable game. Can not be done justice! If you want to play it and see for yourself, I dare you. But just one warning: You will not be happy. Oh wait, this guy here just gave me a password? What's that for? Like if I want to continue here where I left off? Well, that's completely useless. There's no way I would ever need this password and you wanna know why? Because I'm never fucking playing this game again in my life! (Tosses the game out the window)
- AVGN: Okay, the wait is finally over. This is the review that everybody wants to see. Here it is, Superman... on Commodore 64.
- AVGN: Remember those early CD based consoles like the PlayStation and you'd always have to wait for everything to load? Well, it's nothing like that; this thing actually takes 2 minutes and 7 seconds. Yeah, I timed it. Then the title screen starts up with the music, and you're like, "WOW!" But wait, what the hell's this? Type in the character that appears in "column: 09 row:10"? Oh, come on! I gotta get the code card. Yeah, the code card. Match up the damn numbers and there you go, it's 5. 'WHY DO I GOTTA DO THAT!? So you pick your difficulty, and guess what? It's gotta load again! Fifty-four seconds this time. Not long, but seems like an eternity. So anyway, you get this comic book storyline thing, and then- [the "NOW LOADING" screen appears yet again] You son-of-a-bitch! Probably two weeks later when you finally start playing the game, you'll be surprised that the graphics are quite decent and the gameplay is self-explanatory. You just fly around and shoot stuff. You don't have to be Clark Kent and find subway passes or any bullshit like that, so it's actually better than the Nintendo version. But that's not sayin' much. That's like sayin' the shit that I took last night was better than the shit I took the day before.
- AVGN: [holds up Superman 64 cartridge] Aw, come on, you really wanna make me play this? Well, I'm gonna do it just for you, 'cause I like ya a lot. Now don't take that too serious.
- AVGN: First, you're greeted by a smiling cartoon fox. "Tittus"? What the fuck is that?
- AVGN: Looks like Superman's strokin' his super dick.
- AVGN: (after finishing the car-carrying stage 4) So I get to the goal, and guess what's next? Seriously, I want you to just take a guess what comes after this. More rings. Yeah. What kind of game is this!? Is this some sort of insanity test?! Well, I'm done. I'm sorry, but that's all I can do. This game doesn't even qualify as shit! It's like the equivalent of shit takin' a shit! This is unspeakably, shockingly bad. It's sickeningly loathsome! It's a fuckin' suffering to the mind! It's a bunch of fuck and it doesn't belong on this planet! Somebody's gotta take care of it! This is a job for the fuckin' Nerd! [a rock version of Superman Theme plays as the Nerd unbuttons his shirt to reveal a blue Superman shirt. Flies up to the sun and tosses the game into it.]
Batman Part One
- The Nerd: [dressed up as Batman] All right, [takes off his glasses] let's dig in to a big pile of bat shit. As you can see, I'm all ready, because, [puts on Bat-Mask] in order to play bad Batman games, and do 'em justice... [puts glasses back on] [Batman voice] ...you gotta be Batman.
- Batnerd: [Batman: The Caped Crusader] There's also this annoying menu screen that keeps popping up. It took me a while to figure out that I activate this thing by pressing Down and the button.
- Batnerd: So I get to this menu by total accident, and I don't know what to do here. What is all this shit? "Restart game"? Who the fuck's talkin' about restarting? [tries to type "N", but the keyboard doesn't respond] Oh, the keypad's busted. Oh, that's great. Yeah, and that's another thing about the Commodore: It only works when it feels like it.
- Batnerd: Well, anyway, the game sucks, gotta give it the Batman punishment! [Batman voice] I'm Batman. [throws the "Batman: The Caped Crusader" Commodore 64 disk to the ground]
- Batnerd: Next up, Batman Forever for the Super Nintendo. Now we're in deep shit, because this game is triceratops testicles.
- Batnerd: Fuck! Shit! Get up there! This is fuckin' BULLSHIT! You'd think to shoot up you just press up, but no, it jumps! Sometimes I get it to work by pure luck until I found out that, okay, this is how it works: To shoot up, you press select and up in a very specific way. You have to press select slightly before you press jump. If you do it correctly, it shoots the grappling hook straight up in the air. But if you press them both at the same time, you just jump! THAT'S A GOOD REASON WHY THE JUMP BUTTON SHOULD NOT BE UP!! WHY CAN'T IT BE ONE OF THE FUCKIN' BUTTONS?! HAVIN' THE FUCKIN' UP BUTTON JUMP IS FUCKIN' FUCKED UP!!! If this [up on the d-pad] aimed your grappling hook and THIS [B button] jumped, THEN IT WOULD BE FINE! BUT, NO! THEY GOTTA BE THE SAME BUTTON!
- Batnerd: I'd rather have a diarrhea dog take LAVA DUMP all over the screen!
- [the Batnerd is in shock over the bad controls of the game]
- Batnerd: WH- THIS IS FUCKED BEYOND BELIEF!!! It's like, the controls in this game are like something you do for a cheat code, not a basic move that you HAVE TO DO in order to play the game! Why'd they program it in such an asinine, ball-brained, cockamamie, RIDICULOUS FASHION?! It's like, geez, there's four buttons right in the front of the controller! LIKE, THAT'S NOT ENOUGH TO WORK WITH?! Instead, they have to, like, program it, like, all into, like, weird, kinda, crazy button combinations and shit?! It's like, what were they thinking?! It's like, up is jump?! Select for the grappling hook?! Select shouldn't even be part of the game, select should be like for the menus, or something. I mean, jeez, like, were they tryin' to just ruin this game? Just flat out, just fuck it up?! Well, they did! Batman Forever, it sucked back then, and it sucks forever!
- Batnerd: [Batman voice] I'm Batmaaaaan. [throws "Batman Forever" to the floor]
- Batnerd: [Batman voice] That's it, that's all the shitty Batman games I can take. The review's over.
- [Joker laughs insanely in the background and appears from behind the couch]
- Joker: Batman! Batman, you wanna play a really shitty Nintendo game, Batman? Well, how 'bout, Return of the Joker on the Nintendo Entertainment System, Batman?
- Batnerd: [normal voice] Yeah, but, I'm not really Batman, though.
- Joker: You're not Batman?! Batman, you're Batman, I'm Batman! [laughs insanely] Come on, Batman, let's play! Come o- [Batnerd punches him in the face and picks him up]
- Batnerd: I'm not playin' anymore shitty Batman games!
- Joker: [chortles] Yes, you are! [water squirts out of the Joker's flower into the Batnerd's face] [laughs insanely] Ooh, Batman, let me give you a hand! [The Batnerd grabs the Joker's hand, and gets electrocuted by a joy buzzer while the Joker laughs and puts "Return of the Joker" into the NES Top Loader and the caption "TO BE CONTINUED..." appears on the screen]
- Batnerd: [narrating] Will the Batnerd escape the Joker? What bad games does he have up his sleeve? Tune in next episode, same bat time, same bat channel!
Batman Part Two
- Batnerd: Look at this pandemonium! There's a fucking ceiling waiting to come down and kill me, there's a guy throwing an oil drum, if I try to get out of the way I get hit by these rotating blades and shit. I take the guy down, and then I try to set off the ceiling trap, and... I'm dead.
- [Joker laughs crazily at Batnerd's misfortune]
- Batnerd: Shut up!
- Joker: [briefly angry] Fuck you, motherfucker! [laughs resumes laughing]
- Batnerd: [playing "Batman: Return of the Joker" on Game Boy] The controls are like trying to get a horse to wipe its ass on an eagle.
- Batnerd: I swear that these games were programmed by the Joker.
- Batnerd: [playing Batman: Revenge of the Joker on Sega Genesis] What's with the gargoyle statues? You shoot them and get nothing. What's the point? And why does it hurt you to touch them? BATMAN CAN'T EVEN TOUCH A FUCKING STATUE?!
- Batnerd: OKAY, SO WHAT'S WITH THIS FUCKING BULLSHIT?! What, do they just die whenever they feel like it? Like is it a glitch, or is it some obscure trick that I don't know about? It's just the first level of the game! AGAIN! THE FIRST FUCKING LEVEL, AND I CAN'T GO ANY FURTHER! I've had enough of this catastrophe!
- Batnerd: [after subduing the Joker] I'm gonna shove these fucking games up your ass! Batman: Revenge of the Joker! [Joker screams] Batman: Return of the Joker! [Joker screams] Batman Forever! [Joker screams] Batman: Return of the Joker on Game Boy! [Joker screams again] And last but not least, Batman on Commodore 64! [Joker screams]
- The Nerd: This is a very special episode because I'm not gonna review the game, the fans are. Yeah. For the first time I asked the fans to recount their experiences with the game and send them to a specified email address. And as a result, this one inbox got over 6,000 messages. So, if you're one of the lucky ones, then I hope you enjoy hearing your words coming out of my mouth. But regardless, thanks for the submissions, thanks for supporting the show, this one's my little reward, to you. Enjoy.
- The Nerd: Oh, this must be why the attack is so slow: Our hero must pass the blades out of his cock! Hell, if broadswords shooting out of my cock was my only defense against purple inchworms & bats, I’d probably let them kill me.
- The Nerd: Even the manual says, "You have no confidence in this sword." What the fuck kind of advice is that? That's like saying "Buddy, if you play this game, YOU'RE GONNA GET FUCKED UP THE ASSHOLE WITH A PORCUPINE!! GOOD FUCKIN' LUCK, DOUCHEBAG!"
- The Nerd: You get an inventory screen. It's empty right now, but it seems pretty standard. It tells you your life and everything. It also has this thing called 'ludder'. Yeah, it says you have 50 ludder. I can only assume that that's currency, so I Googled it to check what it meant and according to an Urban Dictionary, 'ludder' means 'cheap-ass hoe'! So, therefore we're already starting out with 50 cheap-ass hoes, so we're doing alright for ourselves. I wonder what the exchange rate is for the expensive whores?
- The Nerd: Oh, and the music. The bubbly sound of ripping ass isn't even an adequate way to describe the music in this game!
- The Nerd: When they named this game Deadly Towers, they weren't kidding. The last time I saw towers this deadly was when they decided the horses need more fiber in their diets! This game is so fucking hard, it's easier to lift an elephant with my ass while singing Old MacDonald!
- The Nerd: Das Spiel ist Scheiße! Dieses Spiel fickt dich härter als das Leben! (Translation: The game is shit! This game fucks you harder than life!) Well, I gave that a try.
- The Nerd: This game is like a never-ending turd that bends around and goes into your mouth, thus creating an endless cycle of eating your own shit whilst taking a crap and occasionally puking up the same for all eternity!
- The Nerd: Fuck this game! No, better yet, don't fuck this game! Don't let your friends fuck it! It's unfuckworthy!
- The Nerd: Battletoads on Nintendo. Now, don't worry, it's a good game. It's actually one of the most memorable games in the NES library. But when it first came out, a lot of people were thinkin', "What is this, a cheap Ninja Turtles knockoff, or somethin'?" But, uh, it was actually pretty good-- [he turns to his right and notices Kyle] Who the fuck are you?
- Kyle: I'm your guitar guy. [the Nerd doesn't get it.] I sing your theme song... from... behind the couch.
- The Nerd: Well then, go back behind the damn COUCH! Geez!
- Kyle: You know, that's not the welcome I really expected.
- The Nerd: Well, look, you can't just sit here while I do the review.
- Kyle: [stutters] Why can't I do the review with you?
- The Nerd: Oh, uh-- because that's not how it WORKS! It's, like, I play the game, and you-- Get your ass back behind the FUCKIN' COUCH!!
- Kyle: [angrily; while fighting back his tears] I don't ever get to do anything; you don't even use my song that much anymore.
- The Nerd: Why are you always behind my damn couch anyway?!
- Kyle: There are no other couches to go behind!
- The Nerd: The intro shows 3 toads: Rash, Pimple, & Zitz. Why such disgusting names? How about Herpes, Genital Warts, & Gonorrhea?
- [Level 3 restarts]
- The Nerd: What? You gotta be fuckin' kidding me. YOU died, but we both have to restart the level!
- Kyle: Sorry.
- Kyle: [singing] He's the angriest gamer you've ever heard...
- The Nerd: YOU BET YOUR ASS!!!
- The Nerd: Remember when everybody was talkin' about Dick Tracy? 1990, the Warren Beatty film comes out. Everybody went from "Who's Dick Tracy?" to "WHOA, Dick Tracy's the SHIT!" It was like a contemporary film noir; stylish with colorful comic book-style visuals and an all-star cast: Al Pacino, Dustin Hoffman, fuckin' Madonna, but it was kinda over-the-top and silly.
- Big Boy: You dumb Dick.
- The Nerd: It was all right, but its popularity was short-lived. I think it was just an excuse for the kids to say "Dick".
- Flattop: I guess that's the end of Dick.
- Itchy: Yeah. 30 seconds, no more Dick! 30 seconds, no more Dick!
- Big Boy: Dumb Dick.
- The Nerd: You know, Dick Van Dyke is in the movie. [turns to the camera] You think that's enough Dicks? [holds up the "Dick Tracy" VHS to the camera] Like, seriously, when this movie came out, I never said "Dick" so much before in my life. Every kid on the block was runnin' around sayin' "Dick Tracy", "Dick Tracy", "Dick this" and "Dick that"! My dad said, "Can't you just call him Richard Tracy?" And I was like, "You know... how is 'Dick' short for 'Richard'?" That doesn't even make any sense. It's like Bill and William, or Jim and James. But at least Bill and Will rhyme, and Jim and James both start with a J. But Richard and Dick? Like, nobody ever says "Dickard".
- The Nerd: So you get to 5th & B, you go inside, and then the game goes to a side-scroller mode. [Zooms in on Dick Tracy's in-game sprite] What the hell's wrong with Dickard? He looks like he's got a bad suntan.
- The Nerd: So I go straight over to 8th & J, and it's swarming with bad guys. Even going into this place with full health, it's hard to survive to the end. It's hard as Dick.
- The Nerd: So, I get to Numbers, I arrest him, and then...I need more evidence?
- [footage of the game with Dick Tracy's superior officer scolding him by saying, "You need more evidence before you can arrest someone, Tracy! What's wrong with you?" Apparently, the Nerd is just appalled by this, and this is apparently James D. Rolfe's true anger.]
- The Nerd: [voice cracks] You gotta be fuckin' kidding me! That's ridiculous! Like, what?! Like, you have to travel all around and go to five different buildings, four to get the clues, and then the last one to arrest Numbers! All without dying once! THAT'S WHORESHIT! And I didn't say "horseshit," I said "whoreshit". LIKE A WHORE TAKIN' A SHIT! [drinks some Rolling Rock] You know, remember when you were a little kid, it was fuckin' Friday, you did all your homework, and you rented a game from the local video store. And this was it, this was your whole weekend; this one game. You didn't have anything else to do, so you had no choice, but to keep playing THAT FIRST PART OF THE GAME OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN! AND IT'S LIKE, "YOU KNOW WHAT?" IT'S LIKE, "I WANNA SEE THE REST OF THE GAME, YOU CAN'T JUST LET THE GAME FUCKIN' WIN LIKE THAT!" So, THAT'S why you don't give up.
- The Nerd: It begs the question: "Are there any health power-ups?" And to tell you the truth, I've heard that there is. But I haven't found any, not one. I actually found a heart, yeah, a fuckin' heart, but it did absolutely nothing at all. Yeah, a fuckin' heart that did fuckin' nothing! So, where the power-ups are, I have no idea, but they're probably not in any of the main buildings. They're probably in some obscure building that you wouldn't think to go in anyway, and the roof is probably covered with snipers, which defeats the whole purpose of going there.
- The Nerd: I have another update: I've been informed countless times that the hearts are the power-ups. So, if the hearts are the power-ups, why don't they do anything? Well, here's how it works. You have to select the fuckin' thing. It's called a First Aid Kit. And then you use it by pressing B, right? No, it still doesn't do jack-shit. You have to hold down Select and press B at the same time. But that doesn't work either, because as soon as you press Select, it goes to the next item. The trick is that you have to select the item that comes before the First Aid, and then hold down Select, so now the First Aid should be selected, while you're still holding Select. Then you press B, and there you go! How the fuck was I supposed to know that?! Why couldn't you just push B like all the other items? 'What kind of stupid fuckin' dick-brained idiot programmed it like that?!
- The Nerd: THIS IS THE REASON WHY GAME GENIE WAS INVENTED! I'VE BEEN PLAYING THIS GAME FOR ALMOST 20 FUCKIN' YEARS, AND I STILL CAN'T GET PAST THE FIRST STAGE! So why am I still trying? I don't know, I'm just a sucker for Dick Tracy. "Sucker for Dick", that didn't sound good. I'm gonna tell you right now that anybody would have given up on this game had it not been for the name. They made one of the most frustrating games of all time, they took the name "Dick Tracy", and slapped it on the cover just like slapping their own greedy dick! Well, if this game is dick, then we were the balls.
- The Nerd: And you know, I really wanted to give it a chance, because I KINDA LIKED the idea of finding clues, and figuring out where to go, like it made you think like a detective. But, ONE guy?! No continues?! Like, seriously, give me a reason why there's no continues. WHY ARE THERE NO CONTINUES?! WHY ARE THERE NO FUCKING CONTINUES?!? WHYYYYYYY?!?! AAAAGH!
- [The Nerd guzzles down some more Rolling Rock, does a Mortal Kombat scream into his pillow, and then has a meltdown.]
- The Nerd: [bellowing] FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCKING-FUCKING-FUCK! FUCKING-FUCK! FUUUUUCK! [The Nerd finishes his Rolling Rock, grabs a drill and drills through the game as the cartridge spins uncontrollably, then the screen quickly cuts black as the Nerd smashes the game with a hammer.]
- AVGN: (Playing The Count on the Commodore VIC-20, the Nerd types in "Eat pillow" when the game text asks him what he wants to do. The game responds "Yuck!") Okay, so I ate the pillow? I didn't expect that. "Get up." (Game responds "I'm in a bedroom. Closed window. Brass Bed. North.") Uhhh...okay. "Go north." (Game responds "OK. What shall I do now?") Okay, so I went north? What did that do? "Go east." (Game responds "OK. What shall I do now?") "Go east again." (Game responds "Use 1 or 2 words only!") Oh okay. I'll give you two words! "Fuck you!" (Game responds "Don't know how to "FUCK" something." The Nerd looks on in shock, and does a facepalm)
- AVGN: (Playing the unreleased Drac's Night Out on NES, which features Reebok Pumps as a power-up) Your only real power-ups are the Reebok Pumps. They let you run faster and jump higher. You really need to get these shoes, because without them, you get your ass handed to you. That's what I call a powerup, and that's what I call a promotion. Reebok Pumps! You ain't shit without it! Pump it up and air it out!
- AVGN: Even though it pisses me off, I can't really complain because this game was never released. It's like somebody took a fuck and buried it and then someone else decided to dig it up. It's like "What do you expect?"
- AVGN: (Upon finding the name of television producer Fred Fuchs in the credits for Bram Stoker's Dracula on SNES) Wait, who's this? Fred Fudge - Fred Fucks?! FRED FUCKS?! Fred Fucks! Oh my God, "Fred Fucks"! Ohh, my God, it's Fred Fucks! (Laughs awkwardly) Fred Fucks.
- AVGN: (Playing Bram Stoker's Dracula on Sega CD) I actually did manage to get to Dracula, at least in his first form, and he looks just as laughable as he did in the movie. But the most ridiculous part is when you die.
- Keanu Reeves: (Screams)
- AVGN: (Mimics scream) What the hell, is that clip even from the movie? I don't know, maybe it's from Bill & Ted.
- Keanu Reeves: (Screams)
- AVGN: The game looks amazing for its time, but the control is what kills it. It's so awkward trying to jump. You fall through shit, and the attacks are so delayed. It's impossible to turn around and hit your enemies before they hit you, you just wish you had a whip or a sword or something, not your bare hands. All you get is this stupid little kick to kick the fuckin' rats. Yeah, that's all it is is just rats and bats. How many fucking games need to have bats? Like seriously, I know it's Dracula, but why does every game have every fucking bats?! Seriously. I! Fucking! Hate! Bats! (Bites and fights a bat as he throws a bat to the wall then he groans.) I'm sick of it all! Morning sun, VANQUISH ME!!! (Opens blinds as he cries out.)
- AVGN: Alright, so tonight we'll do something a little different. Cause I haven't tortured myself enough with all these shitty games! So I created a monster to conduct the review for me. Behold, Franken-Nerd! I could really use another bolt of lightning! (lightning strikes and the Nerd pulls the switch) Yeah! It's alive! It's alive!
- AVGN: This is the game. [Franken-Nerd growls] Mary Shelley's Frankenstein on Super Nintendo. Game, good.
- Mike Matei as Franken-Nerd: Good.
- AVGN: [chuckles] You bet your ass it's good. (The Nerd puts in the game) Here's the controller for you, hit start and knock yourself out. Have fun.
- AVGN: (after shutting off Franken-Nerd, who was playing The Adventures of Dr. Franken for the Nerd up until then) The biggest mistake Dr. Frankenstein made. If you're gonna make a monster, you better be able to shut it down. ...But unfortunately, I can't shut off the game, for the monsters in my soul. It's my duty - (Chuckles) "doody" - to play it for myself and explain why this game sucks! 'Cause I created a monster, and there's no turning back.
- AVGN: (Playing Frankenstein: The Monster Returns on the NES] Stage four is the final stage. Yeah they chose to keep the game as short as possible, yet as annoying as possible. This place is all fucked up. There's all these weird faces in the background. Like where are you supposed to be? Beside Satan's asshole?
- AVGN: So now, just to try again I gotta type in the fucking password! It's so tedious! I mean it's not the longest password I've ever seen but it's still longer than necessary. But unlike most passwords if you move the d-pads to the sides, it doesn't move your cursor to the other side! So say your cursor's on the letter K and you need to move to J, in most games all you need to do is move your cursor left and it will show up on J. But here, you can't do that! You have to move the cursor all the way to the fucking J! A lot of effort considering J comes right before K. It's so fucked up. And, also, if you enter the password and it turns out that it's wrong, like if you messed up on one letter it erases the whole thing and you gotta type it in all over again! Why can't I just go back and fix the one letter? I really hate this password thing in general because, what's the point? You should have unlimited continues. Yeah, because the only reason you should have to put in a password is if you turn the game off and want to come back to it later. As long as you're still playing, you're gonna keep playing the same stages over and over and over again, so what's the point of sending you all the way back to the beginning? The earlier stages are the easiest, and those are the stages you end up playing the most. It's the later stages where you need the most practice! It's all about trial and error. Like imagine if in high school, you fail out of senior year. What happens? You do senior year again, right? You don't have to go back and do freshman year again! So, BOTTOM LINE, HAVE UNLIMITED CONTINUES! Goddammit!
- AVGN: Anyway, I can't get past the vines so I'm going to cheat with Game Genie, the last resort. But check out these codes! "Almost unlimited energy", "Invincibility after losing first life - May cause the game to freeze", "Start with no continues", "Can not collect extra energy", and "One hit is fatal"! What kinds of codes are these!? Is there like some sick fuck who thinks the game isn't hard enough? Like somebody who wants to be tortured some more? Well, how about this? I got a code for you. How about a code that just starts you off dead? (Subtitle: "PHUCKEWE")
- AVGN: At first the code works fine but then I found out if you collect energy it takes life away. Not that you would need to collect energy, but it's kinda silly, isn't it? And, guess what, once you get to the vines, you still die! Well, that would have been nice! Why couldn't the code say Invincibility Except For The Vines? Even if you pass the vines the invinciblity goes away so you're left with your own wits to fight Frankenstein. So, fuck the Game Genie, and let me tell you when Game Genie doesn't help, you know you're fucked! (the Nerd throws the Game Genie.) So, you fight Frankenstein. His first form's pretty easy, but, then, he grows into a giant Super Frankenstein. Come on! Come on! Come on, you fucking Fuckinstein! (Lightning strikes the Franken-Nerd and he starts attacking the Nerd while he's fighting Super Frankenstein and a rock version of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays then the Nerd eventually beats Super Frankenstein) Yeah! (The NES Toploader electrocutes the TV as the TV explodes, an explosion kills the Franken-Nerd)
CD-i Part One
- AVGN: Ohhhhh, boy, let’s talk about the Philips CD-i. Now, if you’re not familiar with the backstory, I’ll give you a quick little run-down. Nintendo was working in conjunction with Philips to produce a CD-based add-on for the Super NES, which never came through. Now Nintendo was also working with Sony on the same concept, and we all know what came of that: the PlayStation. (The Nerd holds up the PlayStation with both hands.) But as for Philips, they too made their own game console, however they had permission to utilize some of the Nintendo franchises. Now what came to that was a shitty Mario game, (Hotel Mario) and three shitty Zelda games: Link: The Faces of Evil, Zelda’s Adventure, and Zelda: The Wand of Gamelon. (The Nerd tries to open the awkward looking case for "Wand of Gamelon.") (awkwardly) Okay. These games are notorious for their legendary ass suckage, which is hard to believe! How can there exist a bad Zelda game, let alone three of them? And on a console that's not Nintendo? Well if you haven't heard of 'em, you might think you're living under a rock, but let me tell you, it's a rock worth living under.
- AVGN: But before we get to the Zelda games, let's start off with Hotel Mario. The price on this one, I got to be honest, was zero because this one was a donation. Thanks, Casey! You might as well have sent me a turd wrapped in tinfoil.
- AVGN: So, often, you find yourself having to hit up on the down arrow, and when you go down to the up arrow you press down. That's fucking confusing.
- AVGN: The game is actually more reminiscent of arcade games from the early ‘80s like Donkey Kong and Mario Bros. And for something like that, Hotel Mario actually isn’t too bad. It is challenging, I’ll give it that, but the fact is, this was not the early ‘80s; this was 1994, and it was a next-generation console. Originally, they planned to release a sequel to Super Mario World titled Super Mario's Wacky Worlds, but it was cancelled, and what we got was this. (Hotel Mario) End of story. Well, all the CD-i stuff is a shit sandwich that’s too big for one mouthful. So check in for Part 2, we’re gonna look at the Zelda games.
CD-i Part Two
- AVGN: (discussing the boss battles) When you kill them, you get these amusing cutscenes.
- Hectan: You've killed me!
- Zelda: Good!
- AVGN: (horrified face) "Good!" (laughs) "You killed me!" "Good!" (laughs insanely, then starts saying "FUCK!" in a very chicken-like voice while giving both middle fingers. Then he stops and picks up Rolling Rock) Gotta calm down. (drinks it, then resumes playing) Oh, man, I'm going completely insane. But I can't quit because I'm up to Ganon.
- Ganon: YOU DARE BRING LIGHT TO MY LAIR!? YOU MUST DIE!
- AVGN: He looks like a joke! He makes the Ganon from the cartoon series look badass!
- AVGN: Well, in conclusion, some might say that there are redeeming factors to this game. The music's pretty cool, and the graphics are nice and colorful. Some might call it a "mixed bag." But let me tell you what kind of mixed bag. It’s a trash bag that's had a bad day. Like, say, your mom cleans out the cat litter; fresh and stale doody pebbles go right in the bottom of the bag. And then your sister throws out her used tampons, and where do they go? In the same bag. And then your brother comes home, piss-ass drunk, just upchucks, pukes right into the bag! Now, I'm not trying to be disgusting, but that is a realistic situation, and what it all comes down to, that's a nasty bag. But I'd rather take that shit out to the garbage than deal with this piece of fuck! Fuck this game, get out of my face!
CD-i Part Three
- AVGN: (Playing Link: The Faces of Evil) And the jumping is still a big problem. Come on, why can't I get up there? (Link falls off platform) Oh, your mother! (Link jumps up and misses) Oh, you son of a bitch. Get up there! (Link jumps up and misses again, later falls off ledge) Ungh! (Link jumps up and misses once again) It's time to start droppin' some F-Bombs! (as literal F-Bombs fly from his mouth) FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!! FUCK!!
- AVGN: The darkness is still a huge issue. Look, my lantern oil ran out, so I can't find my way back. So I'm really up Shit Creek without a paddle! And that means I'm paddling through the shit with my hands.
- AVGN: Talking to people is still a strange ordeal. Why do you have to shove a sword up their ass? Right up their ass.
- AVGN: Then you gotta wake Zelda. Come on! I'm here to rescue your royal ass. Get the hell up! Wake the fuck up! (swings the sword at the gong above Zelda) Oh, I get it.
- Link: I just saved you from Ganon! I won!
- AVGN: Nothing short of poetry.
- AVGN: In other Zelda games, there’s secret passageways that transport you all around the dungeon. That makes sense. But here, when you’re just walking to the next screen, and suddenly appear some place different on the map, it’s like, "What the Hell happened to this game?" I don't believe this! Like, [Stammers] I seriously don't believe this! [drinks beer] That's it, that's all I can take. How could they fuck up Zelda this bad!? It's not a Zelda game, I wouldn't call it that. "Oh, but it is. It has Zelda in it, it has Link..." Yeah, you know what, that's a pointless argument right there. That's like if your dad said, "I fucked your mom." It's like: "I can't argue with that!" Playing these games is as worthwhile as melting a dog turd in a frying pan. Yeah, put some buffalo puke and some cat piss all over it, and you have a shit sandwich that is Zelda CD-i! This game FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a second game off-screen) FUCKING SUCKS! (hurls a third game off-screen) Oh yeah, and the Mario game? That one sucks too! (hurls Hotel Mario off-screen) CD-i SUCKS!!! (as the screen fade to black, AVGN is heard seemingly hurling the CD-i console itself as well)
Bible Games II
- AVGN: Welcome to another sacrilegious Christmas fuck-fest! Now, two years ago, I played a bunch of Bible games. Yeah, now would you believe there's actually more of them? (He holds more Bible games) Like, who makes video games based off the Bible? Why would you do that? These games suck ass! If I was God, I'd be pissed.
- AVGN: (playing Exodus on the NES) So the exit appears, you take it and then you get a bunch of Bible questions such as "The king of Egypt told the Hebrew midwives to: Kill male babies; Kill all babies;" "Kill all babies"? I'm playing an NES game that says "Kill all babies"? And you know what? That's the wrong answer, so that obviously means that's something they made up. "Kill all babies"!
- AVGN: (playing Sunday Funday which is a clone of Menace Beach) Instead of trying to rescue your girl, you're not even going to believe this when I tell you, you're trying to get to Sunday school. Yeah. Now, as much as that's the dumbest idea I've ever heard for a game, what I don't understand is why that's so difficult! Who are these raging atheists that don't want you to go to church!? It's bad enough that the entire town is trying to stop you, but what's with the flying clowns, the old ladies coming out of boxes, and animals coming out of sewer holes? What's this guy's problem? Like why does everyone want him dead? I'd say he's having quite a day. And the funny thing is, he probably gets to church and doesn't even mention it, like: "Oh what did you do on this Sunday morning before church?" "Oh, well I flew on a balloon that I got from some clown, and then I went through the sewers and beat up a bunch of plumbers. I hopped on some frog and bounced around on a bunch of springs and shit, then I threw a bomb and blew some guy's fuckin' face off."
- AVGN: All right, well that's enough with that one. It's time to wrap things up. I've got something to blow the lid off the crap barrel. Time to flick the shit switch, turn up the diarrhea dial! IT'S BIBLE GAMES ON CD-I!! Yeah! We're living on the edge! More like living on a prayer!
- AVGN: (playing Pyramid Pursuit on Moses: The Exodus for CD-i) The voices are the fuckest baloney shit you'll ever hear.
- Anubis statue: (in monotone) I'm an idol worshipped by many. There's someone downstairs who worships me.
- AVGN: What is it, a robot?
- AVGN: Alright, well I'm done. There's not really any more Bible games, or at least ones that actually qualify as games. There's one on Game Boy called The King James Bible. It's extremely rare, but all it is is literally the whole Bible on a Game Boy cartridge. So I'm gonna draw the line right there. So have a Happy Holidays and all that good shit. Merry Christmas to all, and all a good fucking night!
Michael Jackson's Moonwalker
- The Nerd: I think Dave Chappelle said it best, he made Thriller. [opens the vinyl record of "Thriller"] Thriller.
- The Nerd: Now, I know what we're all thinking here, but really, that's all it is. You're just rescuing the kids.
- [He is shocked to learn that you can make Michael Jackson grab his crotch.]
- The Nerd: Why...? Why would they put that in the game?! How could they put that in the game?!
Milon's Secret Castle
- [Milon runs out a door, and gets hit by lightning in-game.]
- The Nerd: Fuck.
- The Nerd: I'm gonna give you a little tour. Here's the first part of the game. You could explore the whole outside of the castle, but you can't go up to the second level yet. For now, all you have is three doors and a window. The first door leads to a room that has nothing interesting. The only thing interesting here is an area with a bunch of money. But how the Hell do you get over there? It's like the game is deliberately taunting you. "Hey, you want that money, don't ya? You want that money, yeah, you want that money, you want that money? Yeah, well fuck you, you can't have it!"
- The Nerd: So, that's when you need... the power. [The Nerd puts down the controller and gets out his Nintendo Power magazine.] Nintendo Power! It's like: "You wanna know how to beat the game? Well, you gotta buy our magazine, you dumb little shits!"
- The Nerd: This is the Classified Information section. Usually, this is all about cheats. "Golgo 13: Stage Select. Spy Hunter: Start with all weapons. Wizards and Warriors: Bypass the Wizard! Mario 2: Short Cuts to Birdo. Milon's Secret Castle: Getting Started?" That's not a cheat! That's just how to play the fuckin' game! The basic rules of the game needed Nintendo Power. That... is some fuck!
- The Nerd:Milon's Secret Castle. More like Milon's SHITTY ASSHOLE!
Atari Jaguar Part One
- AVGN: This started a little trend I like to call the "Bit Wars." Nobody ever talked about bits before that and nobody ever talked about bits since. And what are bits, anyway? Nobody knew, they're just bits! Try explaining that to your parents. "Well I want a Super Nintendo for Christmas!" "Don't you already have a Nintendo?" "Yeah, but this one's 16 bit!" "What's that?" "...I dunno!"
Atari Jaguar Part Two
- AVGN: (playing Attack of the Mutant Penguins) This is the weirdest game I've ever played. I mean, it's not bad if you're drunk or high or something, but how did they come up with this shit? I got it. I could come up with a game like this. How about, you're a shark? And you gotta shake palm trees 'til trains fall down. And you put the trains in an apple and then turkeys come and eat the apples, and then the turkeys go up waterfalls and to get them down, you have to collect monkey butts. So you drop the monkey butts on power lines and... (trails off and mimes his brain exploding)
- Skylar: (the green face from Cybermorph appears from behind AVGN's futon and chases him off) Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly? Where did you learn to fly?
- AVGN: (shoots Skylar's image with the Super Scope) Where'd you learn to be an asshole?!
- AVGN:There's something about this that perplexes me. You have a game console, that not many people owned, so you make an add-on that requires owning the game console. What were they thinking?! It should've just been its own individual game system. Besides, the fucking thing has its own AC adapter. So, that's two. One for the Jaguar, and one for the Jaguar CD. And that's some cool looking design. It looks just like a toilet. Yeah! It's a fucking toilet! What a perfect analogy.
- AVGN: Well, thanks for trying. And thanks for the Pong console. Would you believe that a 30-year-old Pong console attached to a cell phone adapter would work, but a cutting-edge, snarling Jaguar doesn't? There's something wrong here. And you know what? I blew 250 bucks on this thing. So, you know what I did? Bought another one. Yeah, and guess what? It doesn't work, either! So, that's about $450 total I blew on two dead Jaguars. And these things are rare! So when the only two that I can manage to get my hands on just don't work, that leads me to believe that these things most definitely are self-aware. They don't wanna work! You can't make 'em! They just REFUSE to be reviewed! And I've never had that happen. So, the end... I gotta take a shit.
- AVGN: And his full name is Solid Snake? Might as well just be Erect Cock!
- AVGN: What!? You son-of-a-bitch! The enemies respawn if you use the binoculars! You can't do anything! Was this a glitch?! Or were the game designers deliberately trying to be FUCKIN' ASSHOLES!!? Seriously! And this whole jungle scene wasn't even in the original version. Like, "Hmm, let's see, what kind of stupid shit can we add? Let's take a great game and just dump an assload of diarrhea all over it."
- AVGN: This game is the fucking crust between your balls. It's terrible! And yeah, I know it's a classic game, but when something's fucked up, it's fucked up. So if you wanna rip me a new asshole, that's fine. I have like 12. Yeah, I've got a Charlie Brown ghost ass.
- AVGN: And it's not just me. Hideo Kojima himself said "It slurped anal grease through a warthog's dickhole." Well, he didn't say it like that, he said it wasn't faithful to his original game.
- AVGN: These are the games. Pretty elaborate, right? The titles are the best part. Like what are some of the games you grew up with? Maybe Wrecking Crew on the NES, or After Burner on the Sega Master System, or, how about, game number 1 on the Odyssey?
- AVGN: Now let's try the skiing game. All you do is move the light through the slopes, and with these controllers, it's harder than it looks. The only goal is to stay in the line and see how fast you can get to the end. It's up to the other player to keep time. Now THAT is what you would call a desperate attempt at a video game.
- AVGN: This one's called "Analogic". Yeah, that sounds fun: It's like the logic in your ass. It's supposed to take place in outer space. You each start on your own planet. I guess maybe Uranus and My-anus!
- AVGN: (talking about the name-the-United-State game) I also love how the instructions tell you that Alaska and Hawaii aren't really down there (below the 48 consecutive states). Hey, Nerdy Turd, did you know that Hawaii isn't really south of Texas?
- Nerdy Turd: (raspberry)
- AVGN: So now, let's see what the Odyssey Gun looks like. (removes the peripheral, resembling an authentic rifle, out of its box) Well, the Odyssey doesn't fuck around. I mean, this is what you'd call a gun. I mean look at it! It's a gun! It's a fucking rifle! I mean, they could never get away with this nowadays! You could never, ever... it ju- it just blows my mind that there could exist a video game console that has a gun like this! (expresses happiness) Let's try it out! (hooks up the Odyssey gun and fires it, accidentally shooting a hole in his TV screen)
- AVGN: Anyway, with a concept like X-Men, you'd expect a great game. Or at least, a fairly decent game. All the characters and powers and shit... How hard could it be? Well, we are doomed from the very start. Take a look: (holds up The Uncanny X-Men for NES) Somebody makes an X-Men game for Nintendo, why in the love of fuck does it have to be LJN? You take one look at that logo, and you just know: There is no gold at the end of that rainbow, because this, my friends, is the unholy stamp of death.
- AVGN: How I can be frozen with a character that's called Iceman? I'd be better off with Iceman from Top Gun.
- AVGN: The X-Men game I remember most fondly is the arcade by Konami. Some versions have six players and a double panoramic screen. It was extremely monotonous, but satisfying as all Hell.
- Magneto: X-Men, welcome to die!
- AVGN: Welcome to die? Okay. It was a classic style beat 'em up, and one of the best in that category. Only problem: it was never released on a home console. It suffered the same fate as Konami's Simpsons game. Some might say these games would have been butchered on their home counterparts, but if you look at how well Turtles in Time fared on the Super NES, it only raises the question: "Why the fuck not do the same to X-Men and Simpsons?"
- AVGN: When it comes to X-Men games, that's how I recommended. But the two NES versions? Stay away. Stay away as far as possible. They suck. They suck balls! This one sucks my left ball, this one sucks my right ball! WELCOME TO DIE! (destroys the NES games with laser beams from his eyes)
- [Terminator-styled AVGN intro, followed by the Nerd picking up the NES "Terminator" cartridge. He uses Terminator vision to choose from a selection of responses: "This sucks!", "No way!", "Oh no!", "What a piece of fucking dog shit!" and "Go to Hell!". He settles on "What a piece of fucking dog shit!"]
- The Nerd: What a piece of fuckin dog shit!
- The Nerd: [He returns to NES Terminator after mining lives by attaching a wrench to the controller] Alright, I'm back. I'm all refreshed, ready to play some more Terminator with all new extra lives. All 6 of 'em... [The Nerd stops after he finds out that he still only has 6 lives] (shocked) 6? Only 6?! OK, I gotta be honest. It's only one digit, I didn't expect more than nine. But why a random number like 6?! That means that some fucked up masochist actually programmed it that way, and made a decision, "Hmm, let's see. Well, anything more than 6, that's too much." Fuckin' asshole! The only thing I can think of now, is to wait 'til you die 5 times and do it again.
- The Nerd: [playing the SNES game] After such a long sprint, you'd think that thing was maybe the boss, but no, how naïve. So you keep running this everlasting shitty marathon, shooting shit and getting shit shot at you. Eventually you come to the boss, right? It's certainly big enough to be the boss, and it certainly took long enough to get this far. I'm gonna say it's the boss. Come on, die! Die! Yeah, alright, that's it. What now? What? Are you fucking kidding me? Holy mother in fucking God shit holy mackerel gosh damn, how is it not over yet?! How long could this first level possibly go?! Unless maybe the whole game is like this! I just can't fuckin' believe it! So I died, like anybody would. Game Over. First level goes on forever. Can't beat it. End of story. The game's impossible.
Terminator 2: Judgement Day
- AVGN: [on Terminator 2 on SNES] All I can say is, my God, the control is so bad. It's so stiff, and you can't punch anyone when they're too close. But check out the jump. What is that good for? It's like he's a marionette, or he's being hanged by an invisible rope. (The Terminator hops forward awkwardly) Like, holy Lord, that is some fuck right there. Look at him go! Wooo, wooo, wooo! (chuckling) Oh, God. I can't see the reasoning behind it. You can't make something that funny by accident. They took somebody as badass as the Terminator, and made him into a mockery. It's a fuckin' joke! And I'm not just doin' this to be funny, it's because of how slow he walks. The only way to go any faster is to hop around like a fuckin' idiot.
- The Nerd: Let me ask a question. What kind of format do you usually play video games on? Cartridges, CDs, cards, floppy disks... how about an audio cassette? Isn't that just a weird thought to play a game on a friggin' cassette tape? This is Transformers for the Commodore 64, the computer that is most definitely more than meets the eye.
- The Nerd: [reviewing Transformers on the Commodore 64] By the way, I'm at a farm with a dinosaur stepping on a space shuttle. I have no comment.
- The Nerd: Wouldn't you think that a game based on the Transformers would have more emphasis on action rather than this strategic simulation thing? Well, guess what? There was a Transformers game that was a side-scroller. But only in Japan. Let me introduce the Nintendo Famicom. Simply put, this is the Japanese NES. Very different from that gray box, isn't it? This one's smaller and it's a top-loader. It has a nice dust tray. And the controller's attached to the console, which is efficient. But the wires are too short, and they're hardwired into the console, so you can never change them. The controllers are the same; Select, Start, B, A. But the second controller, instead of Select and Start, it has a microphone. Very few games utilized this. From what I understand, in The Legend of Zelda, you kill Pols Voice by making a loud noise into the mic. Of course that's only in the Japanese version, but the manual still says that Pols Voice hates loud noises, which only mystified players outside of Japan.
- The Nerd: [reviewing "Transformers: Convoy no Nazo"] Everything's so small, so fast, and moves at such irregular patterns, hitting your mark is like trying to piss into a shot glass that's spinning on a record player that's strapped to a running cheetah's back while you're riding a unicycle on a tightrope blindfolded.
- [the Nerd is fighting the boss battle against Megatron in stage nine.]
- The Nerd: It's the end of the road, Megatron! UUNNNHH! HUUAAH! HUNNNGGHH!! Come on, come on, die! Hugh! [defeats Megatron] BOOM! Yeeeaaaah!!! Now that's some intense shit right there. In conclusion, all I can say about this game--
- [as the Nerd is talking, the level startup music plays and the stage theme begins playing again, this time for the tenth and final stage. The Nerd pauses the game in disbelief.]
- The Nerd: Stage ten? I fuckin' beat Megatron, who the hell could be next? Fuckin' "stage ten", my ass! I'm guessing if Megatron's not the final boss, it's gotta be Galvatron or maybe Unicron or Fuckitron, who knows.
- [the final boss of the game is Trypticon, who is in his form that makes him strongly resemble Mecha-Godzilla.]
- The Nerd: Oh. It's Mecha-Godzilla. Of course. I should've known.
- The Nerd: So now, is it any wonder why this game was never released outside of Japan? 'CAUSE NOBODY ELSE WANTS TO PLAY THIS FUCKIN' SHIT! Well, I gotta do what I gotta do. [points the Zapper at the Famicom] One shall stand, one shall-- [the Famicom transforms into Optimus Prime.] Whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa-whoa. Who are you?
- Optimus Prime: My name is Optimus Prime.
- The Nerd: Well, you don't look anything like-- [Optimus blasts the Nerd with a laser] Ugh!
- Optimus Prime: [using audio from The Transformers: The Movie] (You, who are without mercy, now plead for it?) I thought you were made of sterner stuff.
Mario Is Missing
- AVGN: What's this say? "Koopas seem to have gotten clean away with King Kong"? Are you telling me you're supposed to return King Kong to the Empire State Building? This blows my mind on so many levels. First of all, how did the Koopas capture King Kong? Second, why is New York City concerned that King Kong was stolen from the Empire State Building? Remember when the planes were tryin' to shoot him down? Isn't it pretty clear they want Kong off the building? Third, if this is supposed to be an educational game teaching us things that belong to New York City, WHY IN THE HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK DID THEY CHOOSE A GIANT APE THAT DOESN'T EVEN EXIST?! Fourth, the bag. Okay, King Kong is like, 50 feet tall or somethin'? But in this game, they made him out to be, like, 1,500 feet. How big is he exactly? Well, if bigger than the Empire State Building isn't a good enough analogy, then let's just say, A LOT BIGGER THAN THAT FUCKIN' BAG! And fifth, I can't grasp the concept that King Kong is in a Mario game, the same character that was a direct inspiration for Donkey Kong, who also appeared in games with the Mario character. Are we running into some kinda paradox here or what?
- AVGN: There's sort of like a help desk where you're supposed to return the object or the landmark or whatever, but the lady at the window won't talk to you unless you call Yoshi to come and give ya an extra boost. Okay, so are you telling me that the reason that stupid bitch won't talk to you at first is because Luigi is too short to reach the window? For fuck's sake, he can jump higher than the shittin' thing! How stupid do they think we are?! "Use Yoshi to reach the help desk". Well, how about use my greasy Italian plumber cock to whack you across the fuckin' face!?
- AVGN: You know what? Educate me. Please educate me. Because, I'm goin' through sensory deprivation! I'm so fuckin' bored I'd rather go back to school than play this shit!
- AVGN: Educational or not, these games are horrible abominations of space and time that give insult to the very fabric of nature itself! In other words... they suck.
Plumbers Don't Wear Ties
- AVGN: I remember in the early '90s seeing commercials for the 3DO. It was advertised as the most advanced game system and it forced itself right into your face, like: "If you don't get this thing, you're gonna get left in the dust." It even went out of its way to insult Super Nintendo and Sega Genesis, saying that those are just baby toys. Well, everybody I knew had those "baby toys" and nobody--I repeat, NOBODY, I have ever met owned a 3DO. Probably because its price in the US was $700. I mean, FUCK. But you better buy it, because this is the real gaming console. That was its slogan, REAL, because it's a real pieceashit!
- AVGN: Well, the game is called "Plumbers Don't Wear Ties", so I guess it makes sense. He's a plumber, and I don't see him wearing a tie. (The moment he says tie, John is shown wearing a tie.) What the fuck? You can't even trust the fuckingdamn title!
- Thresher: You know, perhaps something can be worked out after all. ... Take your clothes off, Jane.
- AVGN: Oh shit.
- Thresher: You know, we get at least 200 qualified applicants for every position here. It's those people who do that little extra thing. They're the ones who get head-I mean get ahead.
- AVGN: Oh, what a bad joke. It doesn't even have any relevance now. He just told her to take off her clothes. He might as well say straight out, "Suck my cock."
- Thresher: TAKE YOUR DAMN CLOTHES OFF!
- AVGN: What a pervert! And what's with all the filters? (wrong answer sound effect plays)
- Narrator: Now see how your sick curiosity led Jane into this mess?
- AVGN: Time for another decision. Either she refuses to take off her clothes, or she accepts. Now, wait a minute. The first decision says, "Our heroine declines the disgusting proposal!" But in the image, she seems to be taking off her clothes. While running away, but still. It doesn't make any sense. Did they swap the images by accident? So let's go with the more interesting choice. (Jane is now shown undressed, holding a whip and handcuffs) Damn! She just happened to have a whip and handcuffs?! (imitating Thresher) Wow, I'd no idea she'd actually do it! (Jane now has Thresher, in his underwear, on his knees in an S&M position. The Nerd is utterly shocked by this scene.) WHAT KIND OF FUCKED-UP GAME IS THIS!!?
- AVGN: Now for the final choice. Either, "I want the Hollywood ending!" or "Gimme something different." Yeah, you know what? Give me something different. Give me a different fuckin' game! (tosses the game away) This is one of the worst things I have ever seen in my life. On the box, it says, "Plays like a game...but feels like a MOVIE!!!" Well that's horse shit. It does not play like a game, and it certainly does not feel like a movie. It's a slideshow that verges on being softcore porn. But it isn't that either! (video goes into different still photos of the Nerd with filters and crazy objects inserted.) It's like some kind of experimental art project. If I just made a bunch of shit and put all kinds of filters on it, that would be the same as this miserable pile of fuck. It would also be the same to go take a shit on a piece of toast on top of a roof while wearing a fish mask singing I’m Too Sexy.
The Bugs Bunny Crazy Castle
- The Nerd: All right. That's it. I'm done with this game. I'd rather press my face against a hippopotamus' butt while it muck-spreads! That's when a hippo takes a shit; rather than allowing the shit to drop from its anus, it presses its tail against its ass crack, waving it back and forth, shredding the shit all over the place! That's as much fun as this game is, like putting a turd in a fan or a band saw. You just don't do it.
- The Nerd: Come on, I thought toons like to get beat up!
- Bugs Bunny: We do, doc. But you know what we don't like? Getting shit on the FUCKIN' FACE!!
- AVGN: [At the beginning of the game, Pitfall Harry climbs down the first ladder and dies] Nice. Fucking beautiful. The first ladder you see drops you into a pit where you get killed by a bird or a bat, whatever it is. And even if it wasn't there, I'd fall on the spikes. So it's basically death insurance. "Let's put every kind of obstacle we can possibly think of in the very beginning of the game." You know, I'm disappointed. Couldn't there have been lava on top of the spikes, with fire sharks swimming in it? Couldn't there be more spikes coming from the sides ready to close in and squash me while stabbing at the same time? How 'bout some laser cannons and upside down volcanoes? You want to be even more efficient? Why even have the ladder? Why not just start the game falling down the pit? Fuckin' assholes! [sighs] Talk about a beginner's trap. They sure nailed it.
- AVGN: So we're jumping around in thin air, trying to find different suits, like spades, hearts and diamonds. What purpose does this have? I found the princess... does he need to play Poker with her or something?
- AVGN: (failing to defeat Mechagodzilla] THAT FUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! THAT MOTHERFUCKIN'-SHIT-SUCKIN' TIME LIMIT! It's not even like there's a counter! It's like the game just pulls the plug! Like: "Oh, you're gonna win? Well not anymore, ya ass-backed fecal-fucker shit-faced anus brain!" The game cheats. That's it. That's all there is to it. The game fuckin' cheats.
- AVGN: (reviewing Godzilla on Game Boy) How could they do this to the king of the monsters!? They might as well have Godzilla in a clown suit jumping on a pogo stick. I'm not even gonna waste my time with this shit. The best way to sum this up is to recite a very famous quote from William Shakespeare: "Fuck it!"
- AVGN: 15 years later, I'm still pissed. All I wanted was a good Godzilla game, but my childhood passed me by, and I never got it. [He drinks beer] But nowadays, there's plenty of Godzilla games: Godzilla Destroy All Monsters Melee, Godzilla: Save the Earth, and Godzilla: Unleashed. This is after my time. I don't know anything about this here PlayStation 2 and Xbox shit. But I'm gonna give it a try.
- AVGN: (Comparing modern-day Godzilla games to the above titles) These games suck Baragon's sweaty ballsack! I'd rather get an electric shock from suckin' Mecha-Godzilla's mechanical wiener! These games are shit, drizzling out of the Smog Monster's rancid putrid a-hole! And then, being swallowed and barfed up by Anguirus while I lay on his spikes getting Gigan's buzzsaw up my ass, while Destoroyah dumps his diabolical diarrhea all over my face! Man, it's just a bunch of fuck, it's a pile of cunt, fuck, shit, fuck...cunt...fuck..Godfuckingdammit! I just said "fuck" from the bottom of my heart and I said every curse that there is. There's nothing left. So, you know what? Somebody's gotta invent a new curse word. I think I got it. This game, these fuckin' games are... SCUNT!!! Oh, yeah. It's that bad.
- The Nerd: The enemies are the most cliché you could possibly think of. When would Wayne and Garth ever be fighting spiders and ninjas? Who cares, right? As long as the game says Wayne's World, kids will want it.
- Noah Vanderhoff: Kids know dick.
- The Nerd: Every time he gets hit, he says "NOT!"
- Wayne: NOT!
- The Nerd: That doesn't make any sense. What is he saying "not" to? Usually, the word "not" follows a sarcastic statement. It's like explaining it to Borat.
- Borat: And this suit is not black!
- Borat's Therapist: No, no, "not" has to be the end.
- Borat: OK, OK, this suit is black not.
- The Nerd: Well, I can't beat the first level, so I'm done with this game!... Well, there is a code.
- Benjamin: I did not realize that. Russell, did you realize that?
- Russell Finley: No, I did not realize that.
- The Nerd: And could you guess the boss in this level? Would you expect anything different than... a giant donut?
- Wayne: Aaaahahahahaha! Yeah! Hahaha!
Castlevania Part One
- The Nerd: What in the unholy name of ass is this fuckness? [looks at the script and fuckness is displayed as an invalid word] Oh, wait, that's not a word? Well, it should be.
- The Nerd: Hmm. "Trans Fishers"? That reminds me of Terence Fisher, the director of many of the hammer horror films. That's a funny coincidence. Oh, wait. "Vran Stoker"? Like Bram Stoker, the author of Dracula? Wha-- "Christopher Bee"? Is it a joke? I don't get it! Are they saying Christopher Lee is like a bee? [Bee with a face like Christopher Lee's comes buzzing by] No, they can't mean that. This is probably just a series of strangely coincidental typos. "Belo Lugosi"? "Boris Karloffice"? They're just fuckin' around. "Love Chaney Jr."? "Mix Schrecks"? "Green Stranger"? Is this supposed to be funny? Like, just to take a celebrity's name and change it around? That's like if I took the name Steven Spielberg and called him "Steven Gielberg". Like, that's not funny, that's kindergarten level! No, kindergarten students don't find that funny! Aliens don't find that funny! Well, anyway, that's Castlevania for you. Good game, but holy fuck, is it hard. Now, as promised, we're gonna plow through the rest of 'em, all the old-school Castlevania games. The ones that I grew up w--
- [the "WHAT A HORRIBLE NIGHT TO HAVE A CURSE." box from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest appears in front of the Nerd, interrupting him. The box disappears a few seconds later, and a day-to-night transition in the style of the said game is shown. Then the "Monster Dance Theme" plays and the Nerd's room looks darker than before. The Nerd notices the cartridge of said game]
- The Nerd: Not that one. Next on our list, is Castlevania III, which in many ways is the true follow-up--
- ["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
- The Nerd: No. I already reviewed that game. So, anyway--
- ["Monster Dance Theme" music plays and cartridge is shown again]
- The Nerd: No.
- ["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
- The Nerd: Stop.
- ["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
- The Nerd: Stop!
- ["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown again]
- The Nerd: [annoyed] STOP!
- ["Monster Dance Theme" plays and cartridge is shown yet again, and the Nerd looks at Castlevania III, and then back at Castlevania II, and "To Be Continued..." appears.]
CastleVania Part Two
- The Nerd: It goes back to the basic style of the first game, but has two main innovations. The first thing, you often come to a fork in the road where you get to choose which path to take. The other thing is that you get to play as other characters, whom you meet along the way. There's Grant, who climbs on walls, Sypha, who has magic spells, and Alucard, who can turn into a bat, but you need enough hearts to do it. Alucard happens to be Dracula's son. The name Alucard's Dracula spelled backwards, and it came from the 1943 movie, Son of Dracula.
- Dracula: Announce Count Alucard.
- Harry Brewster: D-R-A-C--
- Frank Stanley: What are you mumbling about?
- Harry Brewster: Nothing, nothing. Just a silly idea hit me.
- The Nerd: If there's any game which puts you in a bad mood, it's CastleVania III. You know, like if you want a game that'll piss you off, putting this game in your Nintendo is like running open-armed out into a rainstorm of piss. You wanna go balls to the wall? Well, there's one way to put your balls to the wall, and that's to stick your dick into an electric outlet. You wanna play shit tennis with an orangutan while having your head up a hyena's asshole?! Well, good luck. Well, that finishes off the CastleVania trilogy, but there's more memories to be shared. 'Cause Dracula never dies, Halloween is goin' overtime, it's a CastleVania-thon! [howls like a wolf]
- James D. Rolfe: This game is like playing shit tennis, with an orangutan, while havin' a hyena's head up your ass! [cracks a smile] Or your head up it's ass! And-- [breaks character and laughs]
Castlevania Part Three
- The Nerd: When the 1980s came to an end, the Castlevania trilogy was already edged into my mind as classic. It was the arcitype of both the action and horror genres and a masterpiece in side-scrolling gaming. Roughly at the turn of the decade came the 16-bit era. I had no idea that it could actually get better. In 1991, Castlevania made its transition to the new Super Nintendo. But this wasn't just Castlevania IV. Oh, no. This was Super Castlevania IV, and well worthy of that title. The graphics and sound just blew my fucking balls off. The haunting and chilling atmosphere of the old games was now like a walk through the park with the Care Bears. This time, I was really getting scared.
Castlevania Part Four
- The Nerd: That's what you call Castlevania. Traditional side-scrolling action. Familiar, yet fresh. It takes place all over Europe rather than just strictly in Transylvania. You get a choice of two characters; John Morris and Eric Lecarde. I wonder what happened to the Belmonts? Who are these people? Well, supposedly, John Morris is the son of Quincy Morris from Dracula, the Bram Stoker novel. (cut to him IRL) That just blew my mind! It's like now we're bringing the novel into it? So the whole canon of the games is now with the canon of the book, and... it's like taking two cannons and putting them together!
- The Nerd: What are these, skeletons shooting lasers out their cocks?
- The Nerd: "ANALBAG", that's me.
- The Nerd In Dawn of Sorrow, Dracula's castle emerges from a solar eclipse in Japan. I thought that Japan had enough trouble with Godzilla stomping around. Now they have Dracula, too?
Little Red Hood
- The Nerd: You're familiar with the story, right? It goes somethin' like this. Once upon a time, there was a girl named Little Red Riding Hood. She liked to jump in the air and whistle out her vagina. She kicked at trees until Big Bird's ballsack would appear. What, that's not the story? Oh, well excuse me, 'cause this isn't Little Red Riding Hood. This is Little RED Hood.
- The Nerd: The only thing you might be wondering now, is what on Earth does this have to do with the story of Little Red Riding Hood? Well... I'll tell ya. Absolutely fuckin' nothing.
- The Nerd: The music never changes. Every level is the same frothy sound of crackling ass!
- The Nerd: It's just, so random... Y'know, how many times have I used the word "random" and "appear"? But that's exactly what's happening. Stuff appears, or doesn't appear, or randomly does something else. I feel like a guinea pig in an experiment where they're testing the effects of negative reinforcement. Let's see what happens if we take the key away... It's 20 years late, but whoever you are, and if you wanna know what the effect is, I'll tell ya the effect: IT'S FUCKIN' PISSING ME OFF!
- The Nerd: But the most fucked-up level of all, is Level 8. Here, the key never appears. Just, never. It never appears. I played this stage for about an hour, before I eventually looked up an online walkthrough from someone who probably had more time to spare than me, and guess what? In this stage, the key doesn't appear, until you buy an invincibility potion and three slingshots! HOW WOULD ANYBODY KNOW TO DO THAT?! You go through the whole game, all of a sudden they throw you a curve ball and change the fuckin' rules!
- ["Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies" plays in the background]
- The Nerd: It's winter. It's fucking cold. We're playing some Winter Games. But anyway, let me get the greeting outta the way. Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, happy... everybody! Happy holidays. And if you have a problem with "Happy Holidays", then happy shut-the-fuck-up. But there ain't nothing happy about this shit.
- The Nerd: [horrible 8-bit background music] How do you like that music? Listen. [commenting on the music at the end of the Speed Skating event] Exquisite. [sarcastically] Isn't that the most beautiful, radiant sound that has ever been blessed upon your soul? Its exuberant tonality harmoniously blends the dying squeals of electronic goats with the melodic rapture of diarrhea bubbling from a coyote's crap-hole.
- The Nerd: [playing the Figure Skating event] I'm not even kidding, but if I were to give out an award, a big shit-dripping trophy for the worst controls ever in a video game, I think it would go to this! I mean look at it! I've never seen anything this unresponsive! I'm hitting every button combination possible! You know, all it needs to be said about Winter Games is that you push buttons. That's all it is. How's Winter Games? You ever play Winter Games? Yeah, you push buttons. That's it. Go like this! You're playing Winter Games! [footage of The Wizard is shown] You ever watch a movie where someone's pretending to play a video game, but you tell they're just acting; they're just going like this? They're playing Winter Games. Yeah. Who programmed this thing? Maybe it was Fred Fucks.
- The Nerd: THIS IS A BLIZZARD OF BALLS!!! I can't believe humanity was capable of degrading itself so low as to produce such insulting catastrophe of ass!! [reads caution label on the back of the cartridge (said caution label is only on some unlicensed NES games)] "Do not store in extreme temperatures. Do not immerse in water. Do not clean with benzene, thinner, alcohol, or other such solvents. Do not hit or drop cartridge. Do not attempt to disassemble." [proceeds to do to the cartridge each of the things the caution label advises against] Like that? [places the remains of the cartridge into the crackling fireplace, where it catches fire and starts to melt] BURN, MOTHERFUCKER, BURRRN!!! YEAAAAH!
Street Fighter 2010
- AVGN: Wanna play some games? Wanna play some shitty games? ...Well hang on just a second, I gotta go get my mail. (The Nerd steps out of his house to find it and the rest of the scenery in the scene is swarming with graphics from Street Fighter 2010.) What the hell is all this shit!? There's metallic sea sponges everywhere! There's titanium rocket jockstraps! Headless parrots with bottle caps! Floating eyeballs entrapped in glass lids! How is this all happening? OH, ah-of course! It's the year 2010! Holy shit! This was all foreseen in the game Street Fighter 2010!
- AVGN: Remember how futuristic the year 2000 seemed? My whole childhood, it seemed like every movie, every video game - it was always "2000". It sounded so high-tech and so far away. But now, fuck that! It's the ten-year anniversary of the year 2000. (referring to Back to the Future Part II's depiction of the year 2015) In five years, we're gonna have flying cars and hoverboards and self-lacing shoes... It better happen. Otherwise they should have made it the year 3000. Even if they made it 2100, we'd all be dead; it wouldn't make a difference anyway! Better to be a mystery than to be wrong!
- AVGN: Who would've thought that Street Fighter's past lied in the future, which is now the present? Let's take a look at this. I can only imagine, we're gonna be Tiger Uppercutting through space and time, we're gonna be throwing Sonic Booms on the moon, Hadoukens up Uranus! Fuck Street Fighter IV, this is Street Fighter 2010!
- AVGN: What the hell is this poop-plastered, shit-smothered piece of fuck? And what does it have to do with Street Fighter?
- AVGN: (commenting on the cover illustration of Fighting Street, showing Ryu in front of Mt. Rushmore) To be even more elusive, they changed the fucking title to Fighting Street! That doesn't make any sense! But at least you get to play as classic characters such as Ryu, George Washington, and Abe Lincoln.
- AVGN: The final boss looks like a big, blistering ball sack that swallowed Grimace. His only weak spot is the face. The ideal strategy is to climb on the wall and keep shooting, but your beam doesn't reach. Not without full powerups. You can try jumping off and shooting, but that takes too long. You don't have time. When you're plowing through the stage, you gotta stop and get all the powerups. But that wastes time too! But you gotta do it! You gotta somehow make it all happen! You can't beat one boss flawlessly but then fuck up a little on the next one. You gotta: 1) Beat all the bosses without getting hurt too much, 2) Get all the power-ups, and 3) Do it fast as shit. All in one perfect run. But once you do it, man, you're on the fucking top of the world. Yeah, boom, BOOM! [Imitates explosions as he beats the game] And that, my friends, is Street Fighter 2010. That's all I have to say. So happy new year, happy new decade... am I forgetting anything? ... Yeah. Forgot my fucking mail. [He walks then the screen zooms that says "THE END."]
- AVGN: Ugh, Hydlide! Just saying the name gives you a gag reflex like you're about to puke! HYDLIDE! Sounds so wretched and foul!
- AVGN: Picking up a game like this, in itself, is like embarking on an adventure. You can stick to the familiar NES classics, or you can be a brave explorer and search the unknown. You might uncover a gem, or a turd covered in vomit. And this is a turd covered in vomit.
- AVGN: There's no skill involved. You'll never know whether or not you're hitting the monster or the monster's hitting you. It's just as random as rolling the dice or playing the lottery; sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But I guess it's better than using drugs or alcohol because with drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.
- AVGN: Anyway, I got the Lantern. Now I'm going back to that dark cave to figure out what the fuck was killing me...I don't see anything! So that only concludes there was nothing. That's a cheat if I ever saw one. The game kills you with NOTHING!!
- AVGN: That's what you get for reaching into the dark depths of the NES library. You might as well be reaching into a dog's asshole, 'cause all you're going to find is shit.
- Ninja: You are as slow as sloth taking shit!
- The Nerd: Nunchaku-fuck!
- The Nerd: (commenting on Atari's promotion of the "SwordQuest" series via $150,000 worth of ornately crafted and decorated fantasy items, which players back in the day could win by playing the games, finding and deciphering in-game clues, and sending them to Atari) Not since the medieval times have I heard of a treasure quest of this magnitude! It gets you really excited to play the games, so that's what I call a promotion: You'd be wearing your SwordQuest T-shirt, with your comic books and posters, drinking out of your gold chalice with your crown, philosopher's stone, and sword, and not to mention your SwordQuest video gaming cartridges exclusive from Atari.
- The Nerd: (playing the "Earthworld" installment) Every time you go to the next room, it sounds like an explosion. That's what's so great about Atari: Something as simple as going through a door is an event.
- The Nerd: Now, what can that mean? Hmm... 16-4... The comic book. (Picks up the book and opens up the page) Page 16, Panel 4. I don't see anything... What-- [Reveals a hidden word] Wow. (He writes down the word and continues playing and finding more clues) There's 10 hidden words, and they're supposed to make a sentence. But five of them are bogus. The only way to figure out which are the right words is to find a subliminal hint on the first page. The words prime and number are a different color than the rest, so this means you only use the clues that are prime numbers. Lemme tell you, in 1982, people had a lot of time on their hands and a lot of creativity to figure this out. Out of 5,000 entries, only 8 gamers got the right sentence. The winner was 20-year old Steven Bell. Good work, man!
- The Nerd: (playing the "Fireworld" installment) What are we doing here, hitting birds with a pole? Throwing knives? Now you're actually steering the knives into a, uh, turkey club sandwich. This part, you're like a black eagle shooting bullets at snakes! All with glorious Atari sound effects.
- The Nerd: (referring to general suspicions that the remaining three un-awarded treasures of the "SwordQuest" contest, including the planned grand prize, a gold-and-jewel-encrusted sword, is in possession of Jack Tramiel, who had bought Atari after the infamous video game crash of 1983) Somebody's gotta find out. The real SwordQuest is the quest for that sword and the other treasures. They belong in the hands of gamers who earn them. You know, everybody who put those games in their Ataris had a chance of winning. It was something to dream about. But that dream's been thrown about the toilet. It's 30 years later, but I say the contest must go on. Finish the last game! You can't have earth, fire, and water without air! The balance of the cosmos must be restored, the true bearer of that sword must be found! The Kingdom of Nerddom depends on it!
- AVGN: Pong. A simple word. A simple idea. It's just Pong. It was one of the first video arcades, from 1972. A simple screen mounted inside what looked like a carved tree stump. You could call this the "Wooden Age" of video games, when everything was made of wood, and two people playing tennis looked like two glow sticks batting a square ball back and forth. Yeah, this is before circles were invented.
- AVGN: I thought it was fun. Apparently, people thought so too back then. So that's why they made a home pong console so you can play it at home, and then, there was another one... and another one... and another one! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! AND ANOTHER ONE! There was like nine million fucking pong consoles!
- AVGN: This might be a good time to bring up that most of these old consoles have a connector that looks like this. You have to plug them into a box, and screw the box into your TV. But I say get yourself one of these [an adapter], plug it into the coaxial unit on your TV, plug the game in, and tell that box to go fuck itself.
- AVGN: The Sears Super Pong Telegame. Simple enough, two little knobs for controllers, works alright, basic Pong, you got four different kinds of Pong, like... what the hell is this? "Reverse Pong"? Okay, now what's this, "Asshole Pong"? That's not fair.
- AVGN: Well, that's Pong for ya. All these different consoles goes to show how such a simple game could become such a hot-selling franchise. I could see people thinking 30 years ago "Wow. Pong. This is where it's at! It ain't gonna get any better than this!" Now what's this here, this "Xbox 360?" Some modern game system? I don't know, maybe it has advanced graphics? Might even be in color. Let's check it out. [starts playing "Grand Theft Auto IV" as a rock remix of the Angry Video Game Nerd theme plays. Cut to the Nerd with an absolutely amazed expression on his face]
- The Nerd: Are you ready for some action? Some Action 52? I suppose so, because I get requests for this game all the time. Like this one right here: [reading a fan email] "Action 52. Fuck this game, please do a review on it. You asshole. Thanks." Wow. I guess I gotta do it now.
- The Nerd: Number 5, "Ooze." Oh, wow, a title screen? Really? [starts the game, then sees several green pickle-shaped objects in the background] Oh my god, it's...it's... [the objects each turn into a Shit Pickle]
- Shit Pickles: Shitpickleshitpickleshitpickleshit...
- The Nerd: Whoa! Ohh-
- Shit Pickles: Pickle! Shi-i-i-i-i-
- The Nerd: Narlalalala!
- Shit Pickles: Shit pickle!
- The Nerd: Alrighty, then. Well, this is the first game that uses the "B" button. For jumping! Any gamer who grew up with Super Mario Bros. expects "A" to jump.
- The Nerd: (playing the 7th game, Crytical Bypass) "Crytical Bypass". It's critical that you bypass this game!
- The Nerd: (playing the 20th game, Space Dreams, then learning that safety pins are the enemy) Oh, my, what's this gonna be? Why of course! Another space shooter! This time, you're a pacifier shooting at weird dolls, rabbits, and safety pins. Safety pins as enemies in a video game...Where'd they come up with this stuff?! [playing one of the game programmers] Gee, what kind of enemy could I have for this game? I have 32 games left I have to program, so I have to hurry up. [he picks up a safety pin where it lays on a table] Ahhh, safety pin! That'll be perfect! [he puts the safety pin down and types in his computer] Next game.
- The Nerd: [playing the 22nd game, Spread Fire] These kind of games must have been the easiest to design. Take a black background, cover it in dots, and call it space. You know what? It's getting old.
- The Nerd: [after playing 25 of the games] ...Wow. Twenty-five shitty games, and still going. This is an endurance, man. I've never played such a huge compilation of crap in my life. Was the whole idea to make so many shitty games that there'd be no more shitty games left to make!? Out of all of these, there's gotta be at least one that's...tolerable!
- The Nerd: [playing the 29th game] Uh, "Slashers"? I thought it'd be like a horror game. Instead it's a poor man's version of Double Dragon. Saying that is being extremely generous.
- The Nerd: And what are these, hookers?! I guess this guy doesn't understand the concept of a hooker. You're supposed to fuck her, not fuck her up!
- The Nerd: [playing the 31st game, Fuzz Power] Whoever came up with this is an asshole! [cuts to a fictionalized version of the episode that would be shown on public TV with profanity bleeped out] Whoever came up with this is an assh***! Ass! [pause] Hole? Assh***! [sarcastically] Television makes a lot of "sense".
- The Nerd: [after playing 35 of the 52 games] I've lost all hope. 52 games, they all probably suck. I can think of some pretty bad games. Like Little Red Hood. That's a horrible game. But at least it's one horrible game! Not 52! You know what's more fun than Action 52? 52 Card Pickup. You know how you play that? [drops a deck of 52 playing cards on the floor] Pick up the cards!
- The Nerd: Number 36, "Storm over the Desert." Ooh, another title screen! So, you're an army tank, shooting at other army tanks... which happen to be pink. Also, there's no way to die. Anything you touch will explode. Those pink tanks are fuckin' pussies. [a giant Saddam Hussein runs across the screen] What the hell?! A giant Saddam Hussein? How'd they fuck up the scale this bad? The soldiers aren't giant, so why's Saddam?
- The Nerd: [playing the 48th game, Time Warp Tickers] You're a pair of fingers in checkerboard-land with upside-down doors. What kind of drugs were they on? Was this game even made by a human being? "Time?"? When you kill things, it says "Time?"? What does that mean? Time to play another fuckin' game?
- The Nerd: [after playing 51 of the 52 games] I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY SOLD THIS SHITFEST FOR $199! That's about how much it costs for a video game console, pretty much. You can take $199, stand on a bridge and just throw it all away! You'd rather do anything than spend it on a broken-down dysfunctional disaster of video game programming! With games that crash, hideous jumping control, random characters, microscopic sprites, a marathon of mediocre space shooters, dying in midair, problems with proportion, misleading titles, misleading power-ups, embarrassing weapons, seizure-inducing backgrounds, lack of enemies, games you can't win, games you can't lose, games that make no sense whatsoever, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty menus, and a fuck-ton of other things! It should've been illegal for them to sell this rotten shitload of putrid fuck for any price! I feel humiliated to live on the same planet as someone who designed an electronic abomination of this magnitude! Couldn't they have tried making one good game, as opposed to 52 horrible games? Quality over quantity. That's our lesson here. [drinks Rolling Rock] Well, there's only one game left so it has one last chance to redeem itself. Could this all be the effort went into? Could there be a cherry on top of the shit sundae? We can only hope. [begins playing the 52nd game as the credits roll]
- AVGN: They must have put all their focus into this one game, so this one's gotta be good...right? (shot of the gameplay from Cheetahmen; the player sprite touches the edge of a pool of water with the top of his head, and instantly dies) IT SUCKS - MONKEY - BUTTS - LIKE ALL - THE FUCKIN' - REST!!! (drinks Rolling Rock) Okay. Let's go.
- AVGN: (playing Cheetahmen on the Action 52 cartridge, jumping over the giant Saddam Hussein from Storm Over the Desert) Dude, think about it: A giant cheetah jumping over Saddam Hussein, whoa! I never thought I'd see that.
- AVGN: (discussing Cheetahmen II) I suppose this is the end of Action 52, but! They made... a Cheetahmen... sequel. Oh, yeah! You know how with a bad game, sometimes you wonder how it even made it into stores? Well, this is a case in which the horror was so unspeakable, the game was never released. (shows stills from the ending of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark and plays ominous music from the film) The cartridges were stored in a warehouse where they remained for years to come. It was never meant to be played. Then, in the late 90's, the cartridges were discovered, and became valuable collector's items. (stops playing music and showing stills) That's a true story. Except that the real story was probably a little less dramatic than that. Only 1500 of these games are known to exist and they command outrageous prices on eBay. I don't know if I should consider myself lucky or...not, but...here it is. (the Nerd reveals the game cartridge in his hand) The unholy grail of gaming. Would you believe that this game is so bad it doesn't even get its own cartridge? They recycled the same plastic casing from Action 52, and put a Cheetahmen II sticker on the back. (The cartridge's sticker actually reads "Cheetamen" instead of "Cheetahmen II".)
- AVGN: (after defeating the boss in Cheetahmen II, but the game fails to start the next level) Well, I beat the game. At least I got as far as I can possibly go before it fucks out! Well, this is where I'd end things... (drinks Rolling Rock) ...but, there's yet another Cheetahmen game. (produces a copy of the Sega Genesis port of Action 52) Yeah. Action 52 on the Genesis. They just couldn't leave it alone, could they?
- AVGN: (talking about SKATER from the Genesis Action 52) You're some kid on roller skates jumping fifty feet in the air, of course. And most of the obstacles are dead cats! At least, I'm pretty sure they're dead. Why else would a cat be laying in the road? Tell me. If you're programming a video game and you have a choice of all the things that could be on the road like mufflers, puddles of oil, traffic cones, hubcaps, fallen trash cans, open manholes, of all the things you can put there, why does your imagination go straight to dead cats!?
- AVGN: (after playing Cheetahmen from the Genesis Action 52) I don't believe it. I just can't believe it that - this is even less playable than the NES version! You think by now, they'd come back down to Earth and un-fuck themselves! But you know what the really good news is? I'm done with Action 52! (puts on a party hat and blows on a party horn while fireworks go off)
- AVGN: Don't you just hate it when that happens? You'll be playin' a game, and then all of a sudden, it starts glitching up! (inserts Metal Gear into his Nintoaster) Oh, come on. Metal Gear's fuckin' up now? You blow the game, jiggle it around, use different consoles, but it still doesn't work. You know, when this happens, that means that there's something inside your game. Something that wants to reduce the graphics into a pixelated mishmash of garbage. You're dealing with...a Game Graphic Glitch Gremlin.
- Glitch Gremlin: [Cackling] Good day to you, Nerd, how are you? Good day, sir! As you know, I am the Glitch Gremlin! And, I've got glitches in me britches for ya, Nerd! I've got (gibberish).
- AVGN: I'm gonna lay the fuck smack on you! You think I can't still play?
- [ Mike Tyson's portrait from Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! is displayed, but the entire graphical display glitches up, eliciting a shocked reaction from the Nerd]
- Glitch Gremlin: And here we have Punch-Out!! with "Iron Mike" Tyson. I just ironed out his face! How do you like that? We'll call him Shit-Fuck-Face Mike Tyson!
- AVGN: You little fuck-nugget, get out of my game!
- AVGN: [After describing his victory over the boss Big Pets in Mega Man 5 while having been hindered by a glitch] And that was a great moment in Nerd history.
- Glitch Gremlin: That's not possible! I've never seen anything like it!
- AVGN: I should get a gold medal.
- (The Nerd plays the 2002 Rocky game on PlayStation 2, but the audience is severely glitching around, and the two boxers supposed to be in the ring are nowhere to be seen.)
- Glitch Gremlin: Well, you sure packed quite a crowd tonight, Nerd! You sure did, standing room only...a full house of glitches! Ding ding ding! In this corner, we have weighing in at zero pounds and zero ounces, nothing! In this corner, we've got much of the same! Nothing!
- AVGN: No...
- Glitch Gremlin: (As the in-game announcer repeats "Next up is a fight...")Do you hear that? What's that sound? Huh? Hm? Sounds of glitch. Your glitch. Enjoy it. (The Nerd resets his PS2, and the in-game combatants show up this time.) Nope. No use resetting. Not gonna do a thing.
- AVGN: Eh, fuck you. It's working now. (Spider Rico suddenly sinks into the floor.) What was that!?
- Glitch Gremlin: I pulled him through the floor! That's a good one! Good one, Glitch Gremlin! (The Nerd looks on in shock as the fighters continuously sink to the floor. The Glitch Gremlin dances.) Oh yeah! I'm glitching! Get down, you bad self! Get down! Get down! Get down! Wooo!
- AVGN: Wow, I've never seen a game this fucked up. (He takes out the Rocky disc to clean it.)
- Glitch Gremlin: (his reflection appears in the disc) Not gonna work, not gonna work. What time is it? Not-gonna-work o'clock. (The Nerd plays the game again, but now the in-game boxers have warped facial features.) In this corner, we have Bug-Eyed Balboa!
- AVGN: What happened to his mouth!?
- Glitch Gremlin: His eyes are popping out! And in that corner, we've got Spider Rico, with no jaw! (He sinks into the floor, again.)
- AVGN: They're like zombies! What is this, "Rocky: The Undead Edition"? You are really one sick fuck, you know that? I'm gonna try Clubber Lang.
- Glitch Gremlin: Oh, Clubber Lang, that could be a good one. Let's see what else I've got up my sleeves - oh, I'm not wearing any, but for my final show-stopper, FEAST YER EYES ON THIS! (The in-game model of Clubber Lang appears horrifically deformed and mis-assembled, heavily resembling a straight log of solid fecal matter. His left leg flashes between being visible and invisible, while his right leg does not appear at all. A baffled Nerd drops his controller while the Gremlin laughs gleefully.)
- AVGN: It's a Clubber-fuck!
- AVGN: (commenting on the odd names for enemies in the original The Legend of Zelda) What do you call that? A rabbit's head? (buzzer sound) Wrong. A "Pols Voice". What's that, a mummy? (buzzer sound) "Gibdo". What's that, a ghost? (buzzer sound) "Ghini". What's that? Well, it's kinda like...like... (triple-ding sound) What?! It's called a "Like Like"?! Yeah, I'm not makin' this up, this is all comin' straight from the manual. What do you call that? A snake? (buzzer sound) Wrong, it's called "Rope". Yeah, really! If you can't tell the difference between a snake and a rope, you're in trouble. What's that, a bat? (buzzer sound) No, it's "Keese". What do you call the keys then, "Bats"? What's that, a knight? (buzzer sound) A "Darknut". Well then, what's that? Uh, a, uh, Geiger counselman? (buzzer sound) Oh, a "Rock". What's that, a spider? (buzzer sound) A "Tektite". Now what the fuck is a Tektite!? Is that even a real word? I'll look it up...yeah, it is. (reads off a dictionary) "Tektite. Any of several kinds of small glassy bodies, in various forms, occurring in Australia and elsewhere, now believed to have been produced by the impact of meteorites on the earth's surface." Yeah. Or, a spider. Well, fuck. Let's move onto Zelda II.
- AVGN: In each town, there's a woman that restores your health. She invites Link inside, and you never see what's happening in there. Is she giving him a potion? Is she performing a magic spell? No. We all know what's really happening. Link is like, you know, getting a little of the ol' in-out in-out. I mean, this isn't little boy Link anymore, he's grown up now. He learns all these special moves like the down-thrust and the up-thrust, and there, he learns the cunt-thrust. Yeah, that should be the name of a band. But really, Link deserves to get some because of all this hell he goes through. He's not gonna get any from Zelda... Well, then again, she's in a sleeping spell. What was Link doing there in the first place? Oh, no, Link's a poon hound.
- AVGN: (repeatedly failing to defeat the final boss, Dark Link) Well, it's impossible. I have better luck trying to fight my own shadow! (imitates trying to punch his own shadow on the wall and hurting his hand against the wall) You motherfucker! C'mon! God damn! (cuts back to the Nerd on his couch) You can't beat your own shadow, and that's what this game is. It's your dark alter ego that knows more about you than you know about yourself. I don't know how you could win, unless you're really hardcore. Some gamers are so hardcore with the first game, they've actually made it to Ganon without the sword. That's insane! But, people like a good challenge. You want a good challenge? Try beating Zelda II with the Power Glove, yeah. That's a laugh. In conclusion, it's still a great game. But many consider it the black sheep of the Zelda franchise. And understandably, it's very different from the first game but obviously Nintendo didn't want to just rehash the same game over again so they tried something new. Some people were confused and admittedly it had some mixed results. But it had a legacy of its own. It was the first Zelda game that had towns to visit and to have a magic meter and many games copied its style such as Battle of the Olympus and even Rambo. Bottom line, it's a good game, but a very frustrating one. I'll never beat it as long as I live. Nope. (turns off TV, walks away, but then runs back to the TV to turn it back on. The ending message appears on the TV saying "You saved Hyrule and you are a real hero!" Then, he looks at the Power Glove in shock and disbelief. Then the curtain lowers and then Zelda and Link supposedly kiss with the curtain covering it up and the words "The End" appear.)
Back To The Future Trilogy
- The Nerd: [voiceover] I've always wanted to go back and complete them the way I originally intended. The McKids video, for example. I felt like there should have been a dancing scene with Ronald McDonald, Grimace, and the Hamburglar. And Dracula. And Skeletor. I'd also like to go back to the original negatives, clean them up, make them look good as shit, and give them some new enhancements.
- [in the "Top Gun" review, the Nerd fires a Sonic Boom at the TV, destroying it. After that, the same thing happens, but Praxis effect rings come from the explosion.]
- The Nerd: [voiceover] In the Friday the 13th video, I shot Jason Voorhees in the head.
- The Nerd from his "Friday the 13th" Review: You're easier to beat in real life than you are in that fuckin' game, you no-good piece of--! [BANG!!! The Nerd shoots Jason in the head in the original review]
- The Nerd: [voiceover] That made me look like a cold-blooded killer. I always felt Jason should have shot first. [same thing, but Jason fires a laser gun at the Nerd, but he dodges and shoots Jason in the head]
- The Nerd: I'm just kidding. I have no intentions of changing my older videos like that. But with all seriousness, some of the games I've done, I could have covered them a little better.
- The Nerd: [replaying Top Gun] I'm gonna land this thing. Oh, yeah. I'm finally gonna land the plane. This time, I'm gonna land it for real. Oh, I got it. I got it. I got the speed right, but the altitude's off! [watches the numbers] Oh, I'm going too fast! [watches the screen] [the plane somehow flies out of the TV with the Nerd looking surprised and breaks through a window] Hey, if, uh...anybody sees that plane, can you let me know?
- The Nerd: [voiceover] And what about Judge Doom? He's one of the most difficult bosses in video game history, and I barely said a damn thing about him. Anytime Doom hits you, he takes a great deal of damage, but when you hit him, it doesn't do much. With such a huge assortment of weapons, you'd think that there'd be one that inflicts more damage on him, but nope, he has no weakness. All you can do is punch, punch, punch. It may seem easier than it looks, but Doom has no clear pattern. You gotta get lucky and just get him in the right rhythm so you can keep hitting him.
- The Nerd: [voiceover] Once you knock him down, you think it's all over, but no. You gotta pick up the Dip Cannon. But before you can use it, you have to select it. Like, no shit. Why wouldn't I want it selected? The worst part is that now Judge Doom kills you with one hit. It doesn't matter how full your health is. Anyone's natural reaction is to tap the button, but that won't get you far. You have to know to hold down the button, and only that way can you beat him.
- [Judge Doom is defeated, and the end screen with the text saying, "Toontown is saved and remains in the hands of its rightful owners, the Toons. The End."]
- The Nerd: [voiceover] I already mentioned how the game has nothing to do with the movie. You're collecting clocks, throwing bowling balls, and dodging bees, and other bizarre things. One thing I didn't elaborate on before is how Marty has some serious problem with his legs where he can't stop walking. You'd think this is a Goddamn flying game because you can't stop. Imagine all the problems Marty must go through on a daily basis, being cursed to walk for all eternity! Imagine trying to order at a fast food restaurant, or any restaurant. Imagine going to work or trying to use a bathroom or fly on a plane. He can only stand still when he's behind a counter at a Café throwing milkshakes. Anybody who's played this Café stage knows how unforgiving it is, and I've talked about it already. [a Café customer stops to talk to Marty, then he throws him against the wall.]
- The Nerd: But wouldn't you like to know what the rest of the game is like? Do we ever see Doc Brown, or does the DeLorean ever make an appearance? Or any of the other things from the movie? Let's find out.
- The Nerd: [voiceover] The rest of the street stages are all the same, except they change the color. "No effort. Time is money, don't design another stage. Just change the color, and kids will think it's different." Do they think we're idiots?
- The Nerd: Then we come to an empty classroom where Lorraine, I guess, is shooting hearts at Marty. What, is he the teacher all of a sudden? And what's he catching hearts for? I suppose it's like in the movie where Lorraine has a crush on Marty, but that's his mom so he's trying not to let that happen. Why isn't he avoiding the hearts then? Oh, I see, I guess he's catching them in a book or something. It's the most literal interpretation of a movie. "It's about time, so let's have clocks! It's about romance, let's have hearts!" Was this game designed by a human being? Or did they just feed the movie into a computer to process and then shit out this nonsensical fuck-poop?
- The Nerd: Once again, like the Café stage, you have to score at least 50 points. Then it's on to more walking stages, and after that, it's the Enchantment Under The Sea dance where Marty plays guitar. What do you do? You have to catch musical notes. What more did you expect? I'll tell you one thing, it's certainly no Guitar Hero or Rock Band. Why does Marty play the guitar like a stand-up bass the whole time? Why is he wearing a boiler suit? I guess the same reason he's wearing a black muscle shirt. Where's the red jacket or the suit? Couldn't they have gotten Marty to look anything like he did in the films? And what about the music? Wouldn't this have been an opportune time to hear Earth Angel or Johnny B. Goode? [notices music from the game] Okay, wait a minute. It is Johnny B. Goode on crack. [4 seconds later] If they can make the DuckTales theme sound awesome in 8-bit, why not this? At least you get some different music for once.
- The Nerd: Next, more walking. And finally, the DeLorean. Yes, the DeLorean makes an appearance, after all. This is supposed to be the scene where Marty is trying to get back to the future. The streets of Hill Valley are getting slammed with repeated lightning strikes! All you have to do here is dodge the lightning. That's all. Why are you dodging lightning anyway? Isn't Marty trying to get the lightning to hit the DeLorean to generate the 1.21 gigawatts and send him back to 1985? Isn't that the whole fucking idea of the movie? Anyway, that's Back to the Future NES. No special ending, nothing. [The music from the game continues playing] Fuck that music.
- The Nerd: Well, now that we've seen the whole game, we can conclude that it has... uh... some relation to the movie. But it doesn't have any of the familiar music cues. And don't tell me it was some kind of licensing issue, like they were able to license the movie, but not the music that belongs with that movie that we all recognize. No Back to the Future theme, no Power of Love, no Back in Time, no Johnny B. Goode! (SORT OF) Well, fuck this! [throws the game cartridge behind the futon and drinks some Rolling Rock, accompanied by Johnny B. Goode on crack]
- The Nerd: [voiceover] When I first reviewed this game, I was being a shithead. I never explained how it's played. And that's where things get really interesting. You're supposed to collect 30 items, and bring them all back to their rightful places and times. You find the items behind locked doors. To unlock the doors, you need to find the keys which are found by killing random enemies. But the keys don't sit still. They fly off the screen the second they appear. Usually, you're not expecting the key, so you might not catch it. Once the key's gone, it doesn't return. Not unless you exit the level and come back. Even when you get a key, most of the doors don't let you in. [Marty cannot unlock a door] I don't know the reason for this, but when you do find the right door, you'll get an item. But you don't get it right away, you have to do some sort of mini-game. They're all different, but the goal is the same: To collect all the clocks. How original.
- The Nerd: [voiceover] Why did LJN have to make every NES movie adaptation? Couldn't they have given somebody else a try? No, they wanted to incorporate the entire spectrum of awfulness. [The LJN rainbow logo appears on the screen, and each color lights up as the Nerd mentions them] "Purple for Putrid Gameplay", "blue for Bad Musical Abominations", "Green for Graphical Farts and Garlic", "Yellow for Piss Poor Lack of Loyalty to Source Material", "Orange for 'Aren't You a Fuckin' Idiot?'", and "Red for High-Stress Anger-Inducing Masochism". Put that all together, you got all the colors of the Shit Rainbow. [sarcastically] Hooray, LJN.
- The Nerd: [voiceover, playing Back to the Future Part III on Genesis] Naturally, the graphics are a big step up, going over to a 16-bit console, and it represents the film far better than the Nintendo games. But there's one fatal flaw: the difficulty. You're Doc Brown on a horse trying to save Clara from going into the ravine. Unfortunately, the ground is littered with crates and other random obstacles, and the air is filled with birds, tomahawks, and all kinds of projectiles.
- The Nerd: You get hit once, it knocks you off your horse, costing you precious time. If you fall only a few times, you have to start over. [Game Over screen with Clara falling into the ravine and her gravestone appears] Hazards come without any warning. The human brain cannot react as fast as this game demands! It's like a memory test; the only way to get by is to remember the whole level.
- The Nerd: Uh, Jump! Uh, uh, jump again! Duck, uh... shoot, uh... what, [yells] FUCK! [Doc Brown gets knocked off horse] [exclaims] You fucking processing, stop being so blast!
- The Nerd: [voiceover] It's really hard to distinguish which objects are hazards and which are just there for decoration, like this underwear. This is a perfect example of a game that starts out way too hard. It's only the first level and I can't beat it!
- The Nerd: From what I understand, there's only four levels. For a Sega Genesis game, that's pathetic. I guess they were too lazy to design a longer game so they just made it more difficult so it'd take longer to beat, that's all!
- The Nerd: [moans] Oh, and that fucking song, I am so sick of hearing it! Next time I hear Ghost Riders in the Sky, I'm gonna think about going 100 miles per hour on a horse jumping crates and getting shot at and shit!
- [Doc gets knocked off horse repeatedly]
- The Nerd: [voiceover] Fuck-fuck-fuck-UNGH-UNGH-fuck-fuck-ungh-UNGH-UNGH-FUCK-fuck-ungh-fuck-fuck-fuck-fuck-FUCK!!! FUCK! [gets furious, throws a pillow at the TV, takes out the game, throws it to the floor and screams.] Daaamn!! [he yells while he strangles the controller and throws the pillow to the floor.]
- The Nerd: [after playing Super Back to the Future Part II on SNES] A good Back to the Future game? Somebody made a good Back to the Future game...and it was only in Japan? [suddenly gets angry] WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THIS FUCKIN' WORLD?! We get THESE shitty games, but not THAT one? Like, what the Hell? Why would you do that? It's good! I mean, it's not great, but, it's the best goddamn Back to the Future game I've ever played. It's actually a game! Why bury the gem and dig up the turd? Innocent people have suffered through these fucking fuck heaps! People developed "Fuck it!"-itis from this shit! People have gone on to live horrible lives, kicking babies in the balls! If you would've went back in time and said to people, "Hey, hey, there's a good Back to the Future game. Put this shit down and go to Japan!", they would've looked at you like you're telling them to go...teabag a goat on the surface of Mars. [sarcastically] Well, thank you for taking a fuckin' shit on us all.
- The Nerd: Well, hope you enjoyed my Nintendo Days Re-Revisited. Oh, and guess what? Yeah, I hate sentences that begin with that: "Guess what?" Because you know it's never a good thing. [sighs] But the fact is... I have one more game to revisit. I don't wanna say what it is, let alone even play it, but I'm thinking about it.
Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Re-Revisited
- [The episode begins with a black-and-white clip; the first few seconds from the original "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" review from 2004. The Nerd's voice can be heard over this.]
- The Nerd: In May of 2004, I gave a warning about a game called Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. I made it perfectly clear: DO NOT PLAY this game. But, from what I understand... people have played it. They didn't listen...but, it wasn't their fault. I only showed about one minute of footage from the game, and even though I talked about it at great length, it didn't do any good. [The Nerd drinks some Rolling Rock.] I called it a piece of shit. I called it an awful pile of steaming goat shit... [shakes his head in disgust] ...but, that was honoring it. I could have said anything, it wouldn't have mattered. I could have taken a fuck on it. But my own fuck would have been offended to lay on this loathsome piece of filth. Just the thought of covering this thing in doo-doo is like encasing it in gold. I curse the day I ever laid eyes on it. I curse the plastic that holds this abomination. My words are insufficient in describing the total insult to humanity that this "game" has provided. Everything that I've ever said, and anything that anybody else has ever said, is not enough. It must be shown. [He drinks more Rolling Rock]
- The Nerd: Here's the deal. If you die as Jekyll, you turn into Hyde. Die as Hyde, the game's over. There's two ways to die as Hyde. Number 1: The traditional way: Getting hit too many times. Number 2: Getting as far as Jekyll. Yeah, you know whenever lightning strikes and you drop dead in your tracks for no apparent reason? Well, that's the reason. You got too far.
- The Nerd: Ah, these bees! Go away! [Jekyll's cane attack kills a bee] What happened? I killed a bee? [Jekyll's cane attack kills another bee] I KILLED SOMETHING! The only thing you can kill in the whole game, and it's a little, tiny, stupid, FUCKIN' BEE!
- The Nerd: When Robert Louis Stevenson wrote his story about a doctor who makes a potion that exposes his inner evil, he didn't realize that the potion would become a reality. Not in the form of chemistry, but through a late 20th century interactive electronic apparatus. Awful music, dreadful graphics, unspeakable gameplay, deceptive enemies, unavoidable hazards, useless weaponry, all mixed together and calculated just right. That is a horrible concoction!
- [Cut to a graveyard, the Nerd digs up a skeleton from Robert Louis Stevenson's grave. The Nerd chokes the skeleton, but the skeleton laughs in a monstrous voice, and begins to choke the Nerd in response. Intimidated, the Nerd throws the skeleton away.]
- Skeleton: [gives the Nerd the middle finger] Fuck you.
- [The Nerd tries to hit the skeleton with the cane, but misses, and the skeleton chortles, completely unharmed]
- Skeleton: I am the devil! [laughs evilly] Now go play some Dr. Jekyll and Mr. HYDE!!!!!
- The Nerd: No!
- Skeleton: [bellows] HYDE!!!!!!
- The Nerd: [softer] No...!
- The Nerd: I think I get it. Why, it's the best game ever made. It's more than a game! It exposes the dual nature of the human spirit. The only way to win the game is to be Jekyll, but you wanna be Hyde so you can shoot shit! You see, it's a constant battle between good and evil, and Jekyll must stay farther along his path than Hyde. If Hyde gains the lead, then evil will triumph over good, and that's the true conflict of the human soul.
- The Nerd: And to deny the evil completely would only force it into the subconscious mind, like a city broken into different social classes: people don't wanna step outside their own boundaries, like Jekyll wandering into the wrong section of town, he's unwelcome. Nevertheless, he must abide by his own good nature.
- The Nerd: No wonder the cane doesn't work. The game does not reward you for acting upon your malevolent intentions. It's a proposed guideline for a set of morality rules to be programmed into real life. It uses the Victorian Era as a fundamental depiction of outward respectability and inward lust, it's a metaphor for social and geographical fragmentation. It alludes the Freud theory of repression in which unacceptable desires or impulses are excluded from the conscious mind and left to operate on their own in the unconscious.
- The Nerd: Or, you could just say, "THE GAME FUCKIN' SUCKS."
Lester the Unlikely
- AVGN: (sighs) What's the point? It's all gonna be dust one day. [He decides to play Lester the Unlikely] Lester the Unlikely. It's unlikely that this is gonna be a good game. (Inserts the game in and turns the Super Nintendo on as Lester yells like Tarzan.) Okay, title screen. Guy swinging on a vine. Like every other jungle adventure game. Then comes the story. You're Lester, a comic book geek who wanders onto a dock, and then... (Groans) OK, I have no faith in this character already if he's gonna go to sleep on a piece of cargo that's being loaded onto a ship. He becomes an involuntary stowaway, the ship's raided by pirates, and Lester swims to a nearby tropical island. That's where the game begins.
- AVGN: Half the time Lester does things against your own will. [Lester automatically runs away from a crab] I didn't do that! The game did! Have you ever had a game character disobey? [Lester runs away from a large turtle on the ground] Go near the godfuckingdamn turtle! Why does he keep running!? What's so threatening about a fucking turtle!? [Lester runs away from another turtle] Run, Lester, run! Get away from that turtle! That turtle might charge really fucking fast!
- AVGN: This is a penis-shaped piss stain on the face of gaming. I'd rather fuck the Wicked Witch of the West! I'd rather play a CD-i game! Yeah! Like The Flowers of Robert Mapplethorpe. [plays it, but after a while of just looking at still images of flowers] ...No, I wouldn't.
- AVGN: Just let him die. Who wants to play as a weak, pathetic character like this? Wouldn't you rather be a tough guy? Isn't that the whole point of playing a game? To feel empowered? To be someone you're not? I mean, I get it - he's supposed to be a nerd. Well, this "nerd" makes me look like Charles Bronson! Steve Urkel could beat the fuck out of this guy! I think this whole thing was an experiment: To create the world's worst video game character.
- AVGN: No wonder why he didn't get his own sequels. I can imagine what Lester the Unlikely 2 would've been like. The game would start... and you couldn't even move! All that happens, Lester pulls down his pants, sucks his thumb, and takes a fuck. The third game, you couldn't even get past the title screen. All that happens, you push Start, and Lester falls down and farts. (he shrugs) The fourth game doesn't even work at all. You just put it in your Super Nintendo... (the Nerd puts the game into the SNES, turns it on, and the game explodes)... and it explodes. (disgusted) The fifth game isn't even a game at all: it's just a bag of shit that says Lester the Unlikely 5 on it. (the Nerd holds up the "Lester the Unlikely" 5 bag and fuck is dripping down to the floor. The Nerd holds his nose in revolt.) And there's a new one coming up on the PS4 using the latest state-of-the-art technology (the Nerd holds up the CD) of constructing the disc out of orangutan diarrhea. It just turned out that was the only way, and it really gives Blu-Ray a run for its money.
- AVGN: Fuck this game. (throws down the controller) And you know what? Fuck all games. I'm gonna watch some TV. (He turns on the TV and tries to change channels, but the TV is all static.) Man. TV nowadays sucks.
How The Nerd Stole Christmas
- AVGN: Wall Street Kid is a game about cash and stocks. Might as well fill my Christmas socks with trash and severed cat cocks!
- AVGN: Killing Time on 3DO doesn't give you enough ammo! Your parents paying fifty bucks for a game where you shoot the fuck out of ducks really sucks! I'd rather eat deceased skunk yeast than play inferior arcade ports like Altered Beast. Altered Beast is a nut-kicking feast I can't stand in the least!
- AVGN: S.C.A.T. stands for Special Cybernetic Attack Team, but "the droppings of carnivorous mammals" is what the word "scat" really means. It's as close as you can get to a Nintendo game called "Shit".
- AVGN: We'll see how they like Circus Caper, it's as fun as inhaling Chewbacca's anal vapor!
- AVGN: [Playing Fist of the North Star on NES] Finding the right door is such a chore. C'mon, where do I go!? What a bore! Finally, when you do find the right door, how you go in? Wanna know the way? Not up, not down: By pressing Right, B, and A!!! How much were they drinking!? Why is it so stinking!? I'm staring unblinking, "What were they thinking!?"
- Bear McCreary: [singing to the tune of You're A Mean One, Mr. Grinch].
- You're a mean one, Mr. Nerd.
- You really are a jerk!
- You're shameless as a shitmop,
- You got mischief in your smirk, Mr. Nerd.
- I wouldn't blame you when you're playing Atari Berzerk!
- You're a vile one, Mr. Nerd.
- You've got demons in your soul!
- You're wacky and you're wicked,
- Your crap is full of coal, Mr. Nerd.
Day Dreamin' Davey
- AVGN: Oh, no. Time to play a fucky game for the 98th fucking time. Day Dreamin' Davey. Should I even care who the hell Davey is? Oh no, it's HAL. Don't trust anything called HAL. Actually, the same company created Kirby, and developed Super Smash Bros. Maybe this won't be so bad then.
- Davey: Awesome!
- AVGN: Oh, no. I just jinxed the whole thing. Well, as you probably guessed from the title, this is all about a kid who daydreams. Starts out, Davey's in school, and a bully steals his pencil. ...So he's gotta get the pencil back? Man, that's some epic storyline right there. So, Davey falls asleep in class and dreams he's in the Middle Ages. It's like your typical Zelda-esque adventure, but instead of trying to save a princess and save the lives of everyone in the land from evil forces, it's all about getting... a pencil.
- AVGN: Why does he care so much about a fucking pencil? Was he planning to take it home after school and shove it up his fuck or something?
- AVGN: Then you get a sword, but it's a dream, so when he wakes up it's a ruler he's holding. Why is he so excited about a ruler? Does he wanna measure his turds? Then the teacher says, "What are you doing? You are going to see the principal for this." Um, for what? For measuring his turds in class?
- AVGN: What's this? A hooker? She asks if I need some "help"? Really! There's a Nintendo game where a hooker tries to sell herself to a kid. Now this whole thing is worth it.
- AVGN: [after defeating the Medusa] Finally when you kill her, you grab her head off the ground. You know what would be really awesome? If Davey woke up here, and had the teacher's decapitated head in his hands. [appears an image of Davey happily holding the teacher's blood dripping head] Yeah.
- AVGN: [after Davey got a trophy in his dream, and he wakes up in front of the principal with the trophy actually in his possession] So Davey wakes up and the Principal's like, "Where'd you get that trophy?" So, now Davey's actually bringing back objects from his dreams? Does this make any sense? You know what would be cool? If Freddy Krueger came out and clawed his fucking face off!
- AVGN: Well, that's it! Basically, that's Day Dreamin' Davey. That's the whole game. Mediocre... That's what it is. So, until next time... Gotta dream... something... better...
- The Nerd: I have a bad feeling about this. We're gonna play a bunch of Star Wars games.The movies were a prime target for video game adaptations. They were full of all kinds of action setpieces with battles taking place in space and on land, lightsaber duels, speederbike chases. They had lovable characters, great storylines, and a classic mythology that was bright for expanding upon in the world of gaming. So, how could they fuck that up? Let's find out. Our journey begins, innocently enough, with the Atari 2600. [plays Star Wars for the Atari 2600] This is the first Star Wars game, or at least the first Atari version based on the first movie. It follows the same format as the arcade version which came out before. It focuses on only one scene from the movie: the climactic rebel attack on the Death Star. It's unimpressive to say the least, but for the time, it was ambitious to try and create a 3D perspective. And besides, the Atari 2600 is well known for not being able to live up to the arcade standards of quality.
- The Nerd: [Playing the Japanese Famicom Star Wars, the Nerd fights Darth Vader inside the sandcrawler level, and is shocked when Vader transforms into a scorpion.] Did that happen in the movie? Did that happen in... any of the movies?! Did Darth Vader say to Luke, "I am your father, and I am also, a fucking scorpion!" No! It's not true! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!! WHY DOES DARTH VADER TURN INTO A FUCKING SCORPION?! That doesn't even happen in the Special Editions! There is no version of Star Wars, in this universe or timeline, or any other (I'm...sure of it.) where Darth Vader turns into...[Takes his glasses off, cleans them, rubs his eyes, and puts them back on]...a fucking scorpion.
- The Nerd: It also happens to be one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. If you haven't played the game before, you can spend hours searching for the right place.
- The Nerd: OK, so I guess he's going into the Mos Eisley bar. That's the famous scene in the movie where Luke meets Han Solo. But one thing I didn't know was that they allow Landspeeders in the bar. What, does Luke just crash his way in? [a car-crashing sound effect and a Chewbacca roar are imposed on Luke riding the landspeeder straight into the bar] It's quite interesting, actually. In this version, Luke gets to the bar so fast, I bet Han and Greedo were still talking at, at the table, and you know, who shot first, Han or Greedo, whatever. But actually, neither one of them did! Luke kills Greedo with his Landspeeder. Right after Han says "Over my dead body.", BOOM! All of a sudden, Luke comes through, crashing with the fucking Landspeeder!!! I wanna see that in the next Special Edition.
- The Nerd: The NES got a different Star Wars game. [sees JVC logo] Hold on. No LJN? It's a movie based game, it's on Nintendo, and it wasn't made by LJN? Then it might have a chance.
- The Nerd: Man, the only way to beat an outrageously difficult game like this is to cheat! Like, I hear a lot of people use emulators or save-states. You know, that would be pretty handy, I guess, but you know what'd be better? How about just a button you press that makes the game beat? And that's why I invented the Beat-A-Game Button! Yeah! All you do, if you're playing a really hard game, you just push the button, and the game's beat! Let's try it out. Ninja Gaiden II. Ooh, that's a hard game. Oh, man. Oh, shit. I'm getting my fuck kicked. [he gets an idea as he presses the Beat-A-Game Button then beats Ninja Gaiden II] Legend of Zelda! [presses the button and he beats said game] Beat it. Mega Man! [presses the button and he beats said game] Beat it. You'd never thought you could beat the game. Not without the Beat-A-Game Button! [stands up and walks to his NES library] All right, all you games. Consider your ass beat! [he holds the button in triumph while an 8-bit version of The Imperial March plays as he wouldn't use the button to beat every single game] All right, back to Star Wars.
- The Nerd: Of course we had to stop somewhere because there's a whole galaxy of Star Wars-related games so this could've gone on and on. With Star Wars Rebel Assault, Dark Forces, Jedi Academy, Rogue Squadron, Battlefront, Star Wars Chess, Lego Star Wars, Star Wars Puzzle Blaster, Star Wars Pod Racer, [he then starts making them up as he goes along] Jar Jar Binks Bingo, Death Star Builder 3.0, Chewie Wookie Cookie Cooking, Stormtrooper Tennis, Jabba's Farts Unleashed, (That was a good one.) Wedge's Wedgie Attack, Fishing For Ackbars, Super Sith Shit-Toss Tournament Edition, Boba Fett's Name Game, (Find his name in the fuckin' movies.) Govenor Tarkin vs. Count Dookie-- [a cutout buffalo walks past and defecates through the Nerd's window, breaking it and startling the Nerd.] OH, MY GOD!!! OH, MY GOD! WHAT THE--?! THAT FUCKING BUFFALO JUST TOOK A FUCKING FUCK THROUGH MY FUCKING WINDOW!!! OH, MY FUCKING GOD, THERE'S FUCK AND FUCKING GLASS ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE! WHERE IN THE FUCK DID THAT FUCKING COME FROM?! OH, MY GOD!! NOW I GOTTA FUCKING CLEAN ALL THIS FUCK UP! WHAT THE FUCK, MAN?!
R.O.B. The Robot
- R.O.B.: [robotic voice] I will play, I am R.O.B., Robotic Operating Buddy.
- The Nerd: [intrigued] Okay, cool, a robot. Here ya go. [hands R.O.B. the controller]
- R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Error, does not compute, requires adaptive device.
- The Nerd: It's a controller. You play it.
- R.O.B.: [robotic voice] I do not have thumbs, you moron.
- R.O.B.: [robotic voice] Must have gyros.
- The Nerd: [annoyed] You want a fucking gyro now? [He goes into the kitchen, makes a gyro sandwich, and returns to R.O.B.] All right, here's your damn gyro.
- R.O.B.: [robotic voice] You idiot. That is not a gyro.
- The Nerd: I know, I tried - what, do you want me to go to fuckin' Greece?
- The Nerd: [angrily] You ready now, R.O.B.? You happy? You got enough shit to work with?!
- R.O.B: [robotic voice] Affirmative.
- The Nerd: "Affirmative," your ass! Let's play.
- The Nerd: Oh, no, no, no, no-- [Professor Hector dies] [growling] Fuck! Oh, here comes a Smick! [Professor Hector dies again] [exclaims] Fucking Smick's a dick!
- The Nerd: You're doing this, you cybernetic shit-sucker!
- AVGN: You wanna know a recipe for shit? Take a movie, put it on NES, n' you got yourself some shit. But let's go even more extreme. Let's take one of the best movies ever made, Jaws, by one of the best directors, Steven Spielberg! And then, let's give it to the game company that has made more fucking shitty games than anybody else! You see that little rainbow, right there? LJN. ...Now we're talking shit. Ahh, LJN. What we're dealing with here is a shitty-game-making-machine. It's really a miracle of electronic evolution. All this machine does is joke, and cheat, and make shitty games, and that's all.
- AVGN: Jaws’ Power Meter goes down slower than the hairs grow on a moose’s scrotum.
- AVGN: We're gonna need a bigger ass... to shit out this fucking turd! [Removes the game from the Nintoaster] Never playing this game again. I would just throw it into the sea, but I hear that in 2015, there's an antique store opening up, in Hill Valley. They might take it. (Picks up a box) Well, right here, I got a box of games, based on movies by Steven Spielberg. Let's see what we got. (he pulls out E.T. the Extra Terrestrial for the Atari 2600. The Nerd gasps in horror, throws the box away, and the camera zooms in on the E.T. game) Ugh!
- AVGN: Super Schindler's List 3D!? Nah, I'm just kiddin'. It's Jurassic Park.
- AVGN: It's one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. You run around like an idiot collecting eggs. So, yes, it's like a big Easter egg hunt with Smokey Bear and dinosaurs.
- AVGN: Looky looky, I got Hooky.
- AVGN: It's amazing how many games in the NES library tried to be side-scrollers and failed. The weapon is puny, the controls suck, and it's nothing like the movie. It's a miserable experience that assaults your eyes and ears with horrible graphics and music. What about your nose? If it was possible, I'm sure the game cartridge would come with an air duct that pervades the room with the rancid odor of a skunk that's died up a horse's ass! Ugh! You know what kind of games I like? Good ones?
- AVGN: [Playing Jurassic Park: Interactive on the 3DO] Oh, look at this! You're a tiny microscopic speck flying around in circuit-chip land shooting three-and-a-half-inch floppy disks. What does this have to do with Jurassic Park!? WHAT WERE THEY THINKING!? Wait a minute. What does it say on the floppy disks? "Dump"? It says "Dump"? How appropriate. This game is a bunch of anal dump.
- AVGN: Jurassic Park on 3DO is a complete mockery, man. Does it suck? You bet "JUR ASS IC" sucks! In the words of Ian Malcom, "That is one big pile of shit." The problem with all these games is that the power to make them doesn't require any discipline. They took the movie, without any responsibility, they stood on the shoulders of Steven Spielberg and Michael Crichton to accomplish something as fast as they could, and before they even knew what they had, they patented it, they packaged it, they slapped it on a plastic game cartridge or CD, and (slaps) they sold it.
- AVGN: Now even though this says E.T. Go Come on the cover it is not the E.T. game. Oh no. Now I gotta make something perfectly clear. I play shitty games so that innocent gamers don't have to. But there's one game I never play. [picks up E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial for the Atari, opens the box, shows a cartridge then throws it in disgust while the choir sings in background] Ugh! [looks away, then looks back just as the camera slowly zooms in on the game with texts appear saying "To Be Continued in Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie"]
The Making of an Angry Video Game Nerd episode/Barbie
- AVGN: No degeneracy is low enough to satisfy the shit-seeking gamer who decides to play Barbie on NES. Whoo. We know that most games on NES are targeted towards young boys. So, here's one for the girls. As an adult male, why would I ever want to play this? Because I'm pathetic, and I'm asking for fuck!
- AVGN: So the game is actually her dream, in case you ever wanted to know what Barbie dreams about. She dreams about a nursery that's been overtaken by a poltergeist! Tennis rackets are hitting balls all over the place, there's clothing flying around, she has to fight the invisible woman, there's a puppy dog that's helping her attack evil stockings or something, Toucan Sam gives her a lift... I wonder if there's any psychological meaning behind these dreams. Barbie's really fucked up in the head. Even the craziest psychopaths on Earth don't dream this fuck!
- AVGN: The wallpaper's covered in roses, teddy bears, and baseballs. I guess you can say this game is balls to the wall. I can't help but notice how many balls are in the game. They're everywhere! Perhaps the meaning behind this is because she's obsessed with Ken's balls.
- AVGN: I just got my ass handed to me by a Barbie game. This game was made for little girls and I can't even get past the first few stages. Fuck this game! Fucking Barbie! Plastic pink mall-shopping, bimbo, ball-craving, bird-riding, ghost-fighting, fish-flopping, psycho-dreaming, HAIR BRAIN PIECE OF FUCK! Go to fuck!
- AVGN: Kid Kool is a game that's so bad, you wouldn't want to go wipe your ass on it. Your worst fucking enemies don't deserve to play this accursed, foul piece of garbage! Satan doesn't even have any games in Fuck that are as wretched as this putrid shitload of fuck!
- AVGN: There's parts where you have to get over water and the only way to do this is to master the fragile art of skipping across on your butt. Think it looks easy? It's not.
- AVGN: What is the deal with this? Did the programmers have any clue how to make a video game? You're not supposed to have the game stop in mid-jump to reorient the screen! That is so irritating! How are you supposed to make a jump when the screen keeps jolting up and down!? How are you supposed to stomp on enemies!? Look at this! Look at this! We'll call it "air suspension fuck-lift".
- AVGN: So that's Kid Kool for you. It seems to deliberately follow the guidelines for making an unholy disaster of a game. It has one-way bullshit, two-gear diarrhea, it's heavy on the jump-fuckness, with loads of topside aquatic ass, it has frequent air suspension shit-lifts, a ton of inviso-bitches, and some free-falling fuckballs for good measure. How did they make the game this bad!? It's clearly untested and rushed beyond belief. There couldn't have been that big a demand for Kid Kool. What was the hurry? In order to do something good, it takes time.
- AVGN: I went through all that torture just to be given the middle-finger salute!? This is a perfect example of a game that's been ruined by control. Control! And that's the hardest part to explain because unless you've played the game, you don't really understand. I mean, maybe you've played other games with horrible control like Karate Champ, or Dr. Claw's Dump n' Pump, but those don't compare. Playing this is like trying to thread a needle while it's spinning on a record player. It's like trying to drive a car blindfolded. You would NOT want to try that, nor would you want to try this game! Kid Kool is not cool! [the Nerd blindly throws the game over his shoulder, and by chance it lands into a garbage bin, to his astonishment.]
Nintendo World Championships
- The Nerd: [he excitedly holds the box of NES games] If this box contains what I think it does, then this will be the greatest moment in my career as a game collector. I bought this from an eBay auction. The seller gave a list of games included; mostly NES games that I own already. But there's one that caught my attention: Nintendo World Championships. Under normal circumstances, this particular game would cost a fortune. The seller probably had no idea what they had, and that happens sometimes. They're trying to get rid of some old games at a flea market or a yard sale or something, and they don't realize that what they're selling happens to be one of the most rare NES games in existence. Nintendo World Championships was never sold in stores. It was a specially-made game cartridge used as part of a gaming competition. Remember the 1989 movie, The Wizard with the big game tournament? Well, this was a real-life version inspired by the movie. The competition was part of a big festival called Powerfest in 1990. It was divided into age groups. Each winner got a cash prize of $10,000, and took home other goodies. The finalists each got to keep their own copy of the game. But there was another version made in gold. The gold cartridges are even more rare. Only 26 were made, and given out as part of a random prize giveaway in Nintendo Power magazine. Also, the red label only existed in the promo pics. The actual games were all gold with a cheap logo glued on that's been cut out with scissors. The whereabouts of these games remain largely unknown. But, in recent years, many of them have show up in auctions, commanding huge prices. But there's still more out there. Um, there were other Nintendo contests like Campus Challenge, two of them, and the Super Nintendo Powerfest '94 competition. But Nintendo World Championships seems to be the most famous, and is considered the Holy Grail among NES collectors. Could I have one of these in my possession right now? Let's find out! [starts opening up box with excitedly] Oh, boy, I can't wait! It's, I wonder, it's probably the grey one. But who knows? It might even be the gold one! [anxiously opens box and digs through cartridges, and unveils game labeled "NWC1990"; Nerd is excited until the camera zooms in on the game's text "Reproduction Cartridge", and the Nerd's joy slowly fades] This is a reproduction cart. Anybody can get these. Worth about $50. [he sighs, stands up, and walks to game shelves] Well, at least I can still say, "I own Nintendo World Championships". [he places the reproduction cartridge into his game shelf] It's not the real thing. I'll never own a complete NES collection. Wait a minute. I know somebody who might own a real NWC. Yeah, somebody who's as obsessed with game collecting as I am, and when it comes to NES, he's even more crazy.
- The Nerd: [on the phone with Pat the NES Punk, discussing the authentic copy of the game in Pat's possession] Tell you what, uh, if you come on over? I'll help, um, authenticate it for you. I'll give it the Nerd seal of approval.
- Pat the NES Punk: The "Nerd seal of approval"? What is that? Like, you'll take a dump on it?
- The Nerd: No, that would be the Nerd seal of disapproval. Come over, I'll take a look at it.
- The Nerd: [trying to convince Pat to give him the rarer gold NWC cart] The gold one's a piece of crap! I mean, you don't want that. I mean, you know how they made those! They just cut out the logo with cheap paper, and they glued it on! With glue!
- Pat the NES Punk: Yeah! Elmer's glue!
- The Nerd: Yeah-yeah, I bet Mr. Elmer himself glued it on from his own goat. [imitates goat bleating]
- Pat the NES Punk: [while getting ready to play NWC] Where's your Nintendo?
- The Nerd: Oh, the Nintendo? Right there, the Nintoaster.
- Pat the NES Punk: The what? Are you playing video games or making breakfast? I'm not turning these expensive games into a goddamn English muffin!
- The Nerd: [while playing the Rad Racer portion of NWC] Just think, the NWC cartridges are so expensive, you could actually use that money and buy a real car!
- Pat the NES Punk: Sure, you can buy a car, but it wouldn't be a racer as rad as this.
- The Nerd: Alright, So I finished Rad Racer. Now I'm up to Tetris?
- Pat the NES Punk: Final game, Nerd. All right, you're on a time limit, and to maximize your score, you gotta get the four-line Tetrises. W-Wait. Why am I helping you? You think you deserve these games? You changed your name from the Angry Nintendo Nerd to the Video Game Nerd! I'm the NES Punk, I deserve these games!
- The Nerd: I know a lot of people who own Tetris. And they actually have the whole game!
- Pat the NES Punk: That's it, that's your score. I'm going to annihilate it. [takes the NES controller from The Nerd] Thank you very much. [gets 50 coins on Super Mario Bros.] Okay, I just beat you on Super Mario Bros. Now, it's Rad Racer time.
- The Nerd: Look at that. Well, you got two more games!
- Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, I know I do. I can count!
- The Nerd: Well, just think. We're playing on a reproduction cart, but if we were playing one of those other ones, it would be the same thing. So, what's the point? Just to play on an overly priced game cartridge?
- Pat the NES Punk: What's the point? The point is, those games are part of Nintendo and video game history! There are part of our culture! Those games represent the point where Nintendo dominated our, our society! [car in "Rad Racer" crashes] Oh-- ah! Tetris is next. I'm not gonna let you taunt me outta this one, I'm gonna win!
- The Nerd: No, I'm serious. This game is a piece of shit.
- Pat the NES Punk: Come on, Pat. Come on. Yeah! Triple-Line score! [pants] Double-Line score! I'm gonna win. [The Nerd gets the hammer from the drawer] The games are mine!
- The Nerd: Nintendo World Championships is poop on a pedestal. It's an over-glorified holy shit-grail! Fuck it to hell, fuck it to high heaven, purgatory, and all existence!
- Pat the NES Punk: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yes! Yes! I won! I won! [The Nerd whacks the two cartridges as he grunts angrily and smashes them into pieces as Pat looks at the broken pieces of NWC cartridges then The Nerd removes the reproduction cartridge.]
- The Nerd: Here you go. You can have this one. [Pat the NES Punk takes it for a moment, and then it slips out of his hands in his own disbelief. Pat the NES Punk then starts laughing, and The Nerd starts laughing as well.] Oh, man. [laughs then gets attacked by Pat the NES Punk]
- AVGN: This is gonna get scary. Okay, I play a lot of 8-bit shit; you know, NES. Why is there so many crappy games on NES? I mean - you know, they have lots of great, classic games as well. But its precious library was being used by all these half-ass game companies as a dumping ground for all their foul shit.
- AVGN: [Talking about the title screen in the Genesis version of Dark Castle] What the hell is this? A ghost giving a castle a blow job?
- AVGN: [Upon starting the game and noticing the first room] This one says "BK". What the hell does BK stand for? Burger King? I hope! If I go in there and I get served hamburgers, that would be the tits!
- AVGN: [In the game's dungeon] Oh, that's neat. Graffiti on the walls. "Gamers rule" and *what?* "Saddam was here"? As in Saddam Hussein? What was he doin' goin' around writing on castle walls? And "Gamers rule"? That's the same handwriting. Hmm, so Saddam was a really hardcore gamer? Wow.
- AVGN: [Talking about the music] After you listen to the music for a half hour, you get tired of it. Fortunately, you have the option to turn the music off, but you have to do it at the right time, or else, it sustains it. [The nerd turns off the music at the wrong time and a loud genesis sound is played] Isn't that the fuckest thing you've ever heard?!! Didn't anybody test this shit out?!!
- AVGN: [on the game's attacking controls] Why couldn’t this just operate like any normal game? Whoever came up with this idea is nuttier than squirrel poop.
- AVGN: As you notice, you can duck, it's done by pressing Down and B. But it only ducks for like a second. To stay ducking, you have to press up and B. Yup, pressing Up to duck is pretty fucked up!
- AVGN: On top of everything, it’s one of those maze-like, mindfuck games, where you never know where to go. Can I go here? Nope. Can I go there? Nope. What about here? Nope. Three spots on the same screen, all dead ends. Well, if it’s a dead end, WHY CAN'T THEY MAKE IT LOOK LIKE A DEAD END?! PUT A WALL THERE OR SOMETHING! WHY DOES IT HAVE TO LOOK LIKE A WIDE OPEN PASSAGEWAY?!
- AVGN: I happen to find a key, but I can’t figure out what it does. I tried every spot I can think of, but this key is as useless as boobs on a bull. Anything you do, you're fucked! Try this, you're fucked. Try that, you're fucked. You're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked, you're fucked!
- AVGN: This is beyond any doubt, the worst Sega Genesis game I have ever played. There’s gotta be something I’m doing wrong. Let me see; maybe it’s on a really high difficulty setting - yeah, let me see what I can do here. Umm… EASY!? It was on easy!? That’s their idea of fucking easy!? Are they out of their minds!? Alright, let’s flick that shit-switch and crank up that diarrhea-dial; I got Dark Castle on C! D! IIIIIIIIIII!!! [roaring while flames engulf the room]
- AVGN: I can barely even fucking move! The control is impossible! You can’t control it. You have more control over the weather than you do in the character in this game!
- AVGN: The Genesis version was bad, but this one fucks you harder than life itself! It’s like mixing shit with turds! It’s the most heinously anus thing ever conceived by humankind! It’s a curse to the soul, and it must suffer the tortures of the damned!
Bible Games III
- AVGN: In the beginning, the game company called Wisdom Tree began producing unlicensed games for the NES. Wisdom Tree said, "Let there be shit." And there was shit. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about: Bible games, like Bible Buffet, where you're blowing off a snowman's head (which has nothing to do with the Bible), Super Noah's Ark 3D, where you're slingshottin' pissed off animals, Sunday Funday, where you're killing random people on your way to church, and all those ridiculous CD-i games.
- Child's voice: Yippie! Yippie! Whoops! Yippie!
- AVGN: I've already talked about these games in my previous Bible Games episodes. So what's the point of going on? Because Part 3 is never as good. But, you know, there's a few more bible games left, so I might as well finish what I started.
- AVGN: [playing a Hangman-style game in King James Bible on Game Boy] Alright, what's the word? "Goodliest"? Who the fuck uses a word like that? "Blessedness"? Of course. They're all ancient words that nobody says anymore in common speech. Well, that's all there is to that. I marvel at this game's shitliness.
- AVGN: The other thing you can do is search for words in the Bible. For example, we can search, I dunno, how about the word "Ass"? [many results appear] Okay, I had no idea there'd be this many results. "Then they rent their clothes and laded every man his ass", "loose his ox or his ass", "whose ass have I taken?", "deliver unto his neighbour an ass", "Which of you shall have an ass", "he had found a young ass", "the dumb ass" - [laughs] it says "dumb ass" in the Bible - "saddled his ass", "opened his sack to give his ass", "the lion had not eaten the carcase, nor torn the ass", "riding upon his ass"? [chuckles] Oh, I'm going to Hell.
- AVGN: [playing the Genesis version of Bible Adventures] Man, Noah has some balls to be rescuing snakes. Indiana Jones wouldn't do that. No, he thinks Noah is a snake-saving shit-sucker. Pee-wee Herman once saved snakes, but he fainted. That's right, in order of manliness, Indiana Jones, then Pee-wee, and then fucking Noah.
- AVGN: The monkeys, I hate them. They're so fucking hard to catch! I'm gonna get ya, you stupid monkey. Yeah! Whatever it takes fuckface. You're slime... you're filth... I'm gonna rip you apart.
- AVGN: The graphics are dull. There's so much brown. The Ark is brown, the trees are brown. Why's everything gotta be the color of shit? It might as well be shit. Yeah! Those trees in the background are like logs of shit coming out of God's ass. It's HOLY shit.
- AVGN: Well, that's Bible Adventures, that takes care of all the Bible games on Genesis. I could end things now, but I really don't want there to ever be a Bible Games 4, so there's one little bit of unfinished business: an NES game called King of Kings. I already reviewed this as part of my first Bible Games episode. It has 3 games in it. Jesus and the Temple, which is that Mario 2 (Super Mario Bros. 2) ripoff where you're hopping across logs. Then there's The Wise Men, where you're travelling to Baby Jesus. That means it's the only Christmas game. Isn't that the whole reason I did this in December? Why did I do all these other Bible games? I guess when it comes to bad games, I go above and beyond.
- AVGN: [replaying Flight To Egypt] Every pixel in this game is a sin. First of all, I don't get the title. "Flight to Egypt"? You're not flying, you're riding on a donkey, or an ass, if you prefer. What airline is this? "Ass Express"? ...And yes, I know the word "Flight" doesn't necessarily mean aviation, but, hey, it's a fucking joke. Your only attack is this embarrassing, dinky little kick which can't harm anything, unless it's right up in your ass. Or I should say, your ass's ass, not your ass that's sitting upon the ass.
- AVGN: And... that's it? Did anything else happen? Did the angel say anything? Did the sight of the angel make Joseph sick in his stomach? Did the donkey stalk them in their sleep? What happened? I assumed that I pressed the button by mistake and actually cancelled out the rest of the ending, but no, I've actually beaten the game multiple times just to try and solve this mystery and the same thing happens! It just stays on this screen until you press something, and then it returns you to the main menu. But I'm aware that the last screen is supposed to be playing text that says "Give your heart to Jesus," but I'm not seeing it so I'm assuming that I'm supposed to beat all 3 games to see the true ending, and I'm not going through all that trouble, although I will give my heart to Jesus. (The Nerd physically rips out his heart and holds it out.) OH JESUS!
- The Nerd: I'm back. And so is Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Expendables 2 I can't wait to see that! In the 80's and 90's, nobody kicked as much ass and coined as many catchphrases as he did. And now that he's comin' back to do a little more acting, I think it's an appropriate time... to look at some NES games based on his movies. NES, a console so influential in the side-scrolling action genre. Now pair that with one of the biggest action movie stars, and... you have a match made in heaven. How could you go wrong? (nervously gives a dorky smile) Uh, I don't know. (Chuckles) Uh, Take this game for example: Total Recall. I remember my first time playing it as a kid. It was a Friday night, my homework was all done, my mom took me to the video store, I rented this game, I took it home, man, I played it, and it just FUCKIN' PISSED ME OFF, [gritted teeth] AND RUINED MY WHOLE GODDAMN WEEKEND!
- The Nerd: I've already talked about the Terminator games and they suffered the same fate. The first Terminator had some of the worst controls in existence. The only way to fire the gun is to crouch into this gun mode and jumping around requires extreme accuracy. The second game was a monotonous button masher where enemies take a thousand punches. And there were platforms you can't jump on, like some kind of prank!
- The Nerd: [playing "Last Action Hero" on NES] It uses cutscenes with images taken from the movie, but they look like garbage. The contrast is so intense you can't even tell what you're looking at. What is this? A dead fish? A porcupine's back? Oh, it's the top of some guy's head. Damn, it looks like the NES just vomited all over your TV screen. How does it look this bad? I know this is only 8-bit, but I've seen much better. Even with Total Recall! Arnold's face on the title screen actually looks like him. Hell, even the E.T. game on Atari 2600 actually looks like E.T. On the title screen at least, but, God, [stutters] I can't talk about that game.
- The Nerd: [after playing "Conan" on NES] Who'd wanna play it anyway? I'd rather have a Sasquatch sit its ass on my face and shoot diarrhea down my throat! I'm dead fucking serious. What a shitload of fuck. What were they thinking? [he drinks Rolling Rock] And you know what the worst part about it is? I don't think it's really supposed to be based off the Conan the Barbarian movie. Just the character. So it's not really a Schwarzenegger game, and I just wasted my fucking time.
- The Nerd: All right, one last game, one last chance for the Schwarzenegger NES library to redeem itself: Predator. How could this be bad? It's fucking Predator. You look at the cover and think "Yeah! This game's gonna be awesome!" This is a real man's game. This game will turn you into a sexual tyrannosaur. Like me. [puts the game in the Nintoaster as the screen shows the game that Arnold wears pink] Is he wearing pink? Why'd they put him in pink? Did they see the movie? He doesn't wear pink in the movie. That's not an appropriate army color. I don't know. Maybe he's in pink to stand out from the dull graphics. The graphics are as ugly and dirty as this game's mom. This game sucks so bad the enemy soldiers commit suicide. In addition to the enemy soldiers, you must also face scorpions which you can stand on and they take you for a ride. But only the green scorpions. What, you thought you could ride on a red scorpion? What are you, crazy?
- The Nerd: This is another one of those games where the music doesn't stop when you pause. Even worse, if you press any button while paused other than "Start", you will self-destruct. This can be handy, if you find yourself stuck somewhere, due to faulty game design. Like, here. I'm stuck in the damn rocks. So, rather than working out the bugs, they decided to include a suicide button. This is dangerous, because whenever the game's paused, you have to be careful not to hit the wrong button. Don't pause it, and then, pass it to your buddy whose thumb accidentally touches the "A" or "B" button, and kills off your last life fast than you can say "Oops!". Another major inconvenience is that every time you die, you have to make sure to pick "Continue". If you pick "Start", your game is forever lost, and you have to go all the way back to the beginning. And sooner or later, when you keep playing this long enough...you're gonna make a mistake. It doesn't help that they put the cursor on "Start" by default. And you can't select by pressing the D-Pad. You have to use the "Select" button, which is right next to the "Start" button, increasing your risk of fucking it up. That is some sadistic bullshit.
- The Nerd: This game blows ass, sucks duck cunt, fucking shit munchin' bunch of pile of... poop.
- The Nerd: [gets killed] Fuck! All right, c'mon. C'mon, c'mon c'mon. [he accidentally selects "Start" instead of "Continue", and is shocked] Oops. I hit Start? I hit Start... I gotta go all the way back to the beginning. [The Nerd shakes his controller and screams in rage] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-FUCK-- SHIIIIIIIIIIT!! [chokes himself with the controller] FUUUUUUCK!! DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!! AAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSS! YOUR MOTHER! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! [drinks Rolling Rock] That's it. I'm seein' red. I'm gonna beat this fucker right now!
- The Nerd: Oh, my God, I'm so fuckin' mad I could take a chainsaw to a fuckin' baby's neck right now! I could kick a baby pony! Out of my way, I'm gonna fuck you up. Fuckin' game, I'm gonna fuckin' kill it! [grunts] Your mother! Your father! Your uncle! Your uncle! [growls] Yeah! Yeah, I'm at the final boss! And-- And it's a... big Predator head that looks like Casey Jones from the Ninja Turtles.
- The Nerd: C'mon, fu-fu-fu-fu-fu-fuck-- shit! [grunts] Shoot the bastard, come on! You stop shootin' that shit at me, I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! I'm gonna fuckin' kill you! See, I'm not playin' around. I'm not FUCKIN' AROUND HERE! [growls] I'M NOT...FUCKIN' AROUND!
- [eventually defeats the first phase of the boss]
- The Nerd: Ooh, the mask is off now. Now it's serious. Now it's fuckin'... [grunts] ...fuckin' fuck time! Oh, my God, I gotta fuckin' win before I have a heart attack!
- [defeats the boss]
- The Nerd: [shocked and happy] I did it! I did it, I won! I beat Predator! Oh, man. Ooh, boy. [exhales and reads text] "Congratulations. You have survived." [deep sigh] Barely! [throws the NES controller.]
Ghosts 'n Goblins
- The Nerd: Happy Halloween. And guess what I have here? I was doing an autograph signing not too long ago, and one of my fans hands me this piece of paper. It's a petition to review Ghosts 'n Goblins. Yeah, he went through the line and got everybody to sign it. Now, what's there to say about Ghosts 'n Goblins? Well, it's not a bad game. It's made by Capcom so how could it? But, it's one of the most difficult games in the NES library. This game is harder than fossilized triceratops turds! I'm talking Mega Man combined with Castlevania, that kind of hard. Games this ruthless and unforgiving should be illegal. And I never got a petition to review any other game. That's a true testament to the game's legacy and the internal frustration that scarred us all since childhood. I remember my first time playing it: I got it for my birthday, the same day I got my NES.
- Young James: You wanna play Ghosts 'n Goblins?
- Young April: Yeah, I do!
- Young James: Look!
- Young April: I do!
- The Nerd: Of course I had the Super Mario Bros./Duck Hunt combo cartridge, but the first game I attempted was Ghosts 'n Goblins. That's right, this is the first NES game I ever played. And that's one Fuck of a game to start with.
- Young April: Go on, shoot 'em, shoot 'em!
- Young James: I don't know how!
- The Nerd: Naturally, I got my ass kicked. This is what it would've looked like my first time playin' the game. I sucked balls. This new console was way different than the Atari 2600 I was accustomed to. In the 80's, these were the kind of brutal-ass games that kicked us into shape and heightened our senses. Made us into fuckin' tigers. And now, 25 years later, I'm gonna put my gaming skills to the ultimate test, and see if I can finally beat this fucker. Because, it's Halloween. There's no excuse. I can feel in the air. The time is right to play some Ghosts 'n Goblins.
- [The Nerd inserts the game and thunder claps and lightning flashes]
- The Nerd: It begins with one of the most shocking intros in video game history: A couple just got done having sex in a cemetery. I'm not even kidding! What else does it look like? He's not even wearing clothes! Next thing, Satan shows up as if saying "Yeah, I want to get in on some of that!" and takes her away. That's the plot. Is that the greatest opening to an NES game or what?
- The Nerd: [after getting killed by Satan] And now you're stuck with that shitty shield. Don't even try. You can't kill the Unicorn with the shield. It doesn't work. If someone else wants to try it, go ahead. You need the knife. So now, you gotta go ghostbusting. Kill those fucking ghosts until one of them drops a knife. Again, it's at pure random. So, expect to run the timer out a few times. And by this point, those annoying squeals the ghosts make will nearly drive you to break the fucking TV screen. [ghosts make squealing noises and the Nerd mimics it] OH, SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!
- The Nerd: Finally, when you get the knife back, you can try the level again. [The Nerd is fighting Satan] C'mon, c'mon, c'mon! I'm gonna do it! [dies and exclaims with frustration] FUCK! [to the Jack O' Lantern] WHAT'RE YOU LAUGHIN' AT?!
- The Nerd: You know that feeling you get when you almost beat the level, and you want another shot right away? You have that adrenaline going, and you want to start again immediately? Well, you can't. You gotta go wait for the fucking knife to come back. So, you'll never get two tries in a row. You know what? I'm sick of it! I've been playing this fucking game since the 80's. I gotta beat it! I need closure on this. I need to end this chapter on my life. This chapter of...not beating Ghosts 'N Goblins. [he barely beats two Satans as he gasps in joy] I did it! I beat two Satans! In my underwear!
- The Nerd: Final boss: The Devil! Notice how I'm walking backwards. So, it's now in one-on-one fighting mode. Kinda like a certain other Capcom game. [gets hit and exclaims] Come on! My mother throws bigger fireballs than that.
- [The Nerd defeats the Devil and is shocked but relieved]
- The Nerd: You know what? I don't try to be cocky or anything but... who's the man? I just beat one of the hardest games of all time! I bet you didn't think I could really do it, but I got this, man. I GOT THIS BY THE ASS! [notices text on the screen] "This room is an illusion and is a trap devisut by Satan. Go ahead dauntlessly! Make rapid progres!"? [starts again from the beginning of the game and is horrified and speechless]
- The Nerd: You have to beat the game twice? [chuckles sarcastically] You have to beat the game twice in a row. That's just great because this time I'm [angrily] TWICE AS FUCKING PISSED OFF!! Beat the game twice. I'll show you twice. After all that hard work, who would want to do that shit again? It's like building a house and when you're finished, you tear it down just to build it one more time. "Oh, yeah, we could've made 12 stages, but instead, let's just make six and make people have to play the game twice."
- The Nerd: All right. I'm gonna get the good ending this time. It better be good, whatever it is. It better be something awesome for goin' through the game twice. All right. All right! [beats the game again] YEAH! I did it! [reads the ending screen] "Contraturation. This story is happy end. Thank you. Being the wise and courageour knight that you are you feel strongth welling in your body. Return to starting point. Challenge again!"?
- [The Nerd is angrily speechless, and rage builds up inside him, and tries yelling "Fuck!", but can't.]
- The Nerd: Curse! Curse, Goddamn it! [grunts] I used up all my "Fuck" points during the last 107 episodes. [sighs] I don't have anything new. I gotta rely on the old tricks.
- [The Nerd starts fighting the Ghosts 'N Goblins cartridge Final-Fantasy style]
- The Nerd: All right. Let's try the cluster F-Bombs. Fuck this fucking piece of shit fucking shit fucker game!
- [Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks the Nerd]
- The Nerd: [grunts] Uh, gotta go for the Precision F-Strike. [sarcastically] Oh, how this game lures you in with its appealing gameplay, and charming atmosphere, and then [angrily] BENDS YOU OVER AND FUCKS YOU TO FUCK!!
- [Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with diarrhea blast]
- The Nerd: [exclaims] All right, how about some Wordplay? Alliteration. Feast on some fried fuck-farts! Assonance. What's up, you dumb fuck-tuple mother-humpin' muppet-fucker's uncle?! Uh, Rhymes! Suck on this muck, you run amuck fucked-up, uh, mandarin duck.
- [The Nerd misses and Ghosts 'n Goblins attacks with blizzard of balls]
- The Nerd: [groans] Alright, when all else fails, it's time for the Atomic F-Bomb!
- [The Nerd roars and the 8-bit word flies toward the screen]
- The Nerd: [roars] FUCK!!!!
- [Loud explosion kills Ghosts 'n Goblins]
- The Nerd: Most of the video games I talk about are... action games, sidescrollers, games that are in the realms of fantasy. But, there's a huge, huge following for games based on sports. And I get a lot of requests for that, and I'm not really a big fan. Because, I don't know, I-I guess I like fantasy games more because it's something that you couldn't do in real life, whereas a sports game you could go outside and play sports. It's possible. Not for me, 'cause, I don't know anything about sports; I'm a fuckin' nerd.
- The Nerd: Football; Don't even get me started. And I'm not talking about the kind of football where they actually use their foot. I mean the kind where they slam into each other, like a bunch of barbarians! [he pounds his fist into his hand as he grunts] What I don't understand is why everything is always "bowl". What, like a toilet bowl? Okay, I know at least what the Super Bowl is. It's the most anticipated football game in the season. And with so much testosterone and high energy going around, why is the halftime show always some pussy pop group? GET METALLICA IN THERE OR SOMETHING, it doesn't make any sense!
- The Nerd: Alright. Back to football video games. Madden, Madden, Madden. Madden '91! Madden '92, Madden '93, Madden '94, Madden '95, Madden '96, Madden '97, Madden '98, Madden '99, Madden 2000, Madden 2001, Madden 2002, Madden 2003-- Who the fuck is John Madden anyway?! He doesn't even look like an athlete! What is it with football? Everywhere you go, football! Go there, football! Football, football, football. Like, what the fuck? Sunday Football, Monday Night Football, Thursday Night Football, Football on Thanksgiving, Football on Christmas, and out of all sports, it's the one everyone goes fuckin' ape-shit over! Makes them act like fuckin' maniacs! [screams and crushes Rolling Rock can with his head]
- The Nerd: [sighs in relief] Man. I gotta calm down. All right. If I'm gonna play some sports games, I gotta start with the Atari 2600. Yeah! This is when sports games were fucking sports games. Look at these titles; Baseball, Basketball, Football, not this Madden shit. Just plain-ass, normal, everyday, no question about it, no NFL, no year, not named after a player, not named after a coach, not named after the referee's pet goldfish, no quarterback, dime-back, Nickelback, simple, ordinary, un-embellished, unmistakable, crystal clear, as frank as Frankenstein, as blunt as an atom BOMB, one compound word, it's motherfuckin', goddamn, sons-of-bitchin', fuck, fuck, fuckin' FOOTBALL! [growls and slams the cartridge into Atari 2600] And it's one of the worst games I've ever played in my life. Are these football players, or are they stormtroopers? Are they wearing helmets, or are these microwaves on their heads? Is it Team White vs. Team Naked? Is that a crowd noise, or is it the sounds of the ocean? Is that the entire field? Yeah, it is. And it's surrounded by... water, it looks like. Yeah, it's like an island. It's Football Island. [chuckles] In other words, Hell. I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna make it... Yeah. yeah...! [scores a touchdown] TOUCHDOWN! [screams then tackles the camera]
- AVGN: Here's another game I've had a personal grudge with since I was a kid. Ikari Warriors on NES. Let's pop this fucker in and I'll show you how it goes. Two guys, tugging at their crotches, march up to the title, fire their guns around at nothing, and then you pick one or two players. Well, I'm not getting anybody to play this shit with me. So, I'm going solo like usual.
- AVGN: An average game of Ikari Warriors lasts about five minutes. But you're in luck, there's a code. A-B-B-A. It brings you back to life. [dies] Oop. I'm dead again. A-B-B-A. [dies again] ABBA. Get used to that, you're going to be doing that a lot. [dies a third time] A-B-B-A.
- AVGN [commenting on the slow nature of the gameplay]: It's not horrible, it's just tedious as fuck and with one player, this is gonna take all night. I need a second player.
- [The Nerd looks over to the end of the couch, behind which is the skeleton of Kyle Justin, complete with his fedora and a guitar. He nods to the camera, then gets up and walks over to the skeleton.]
- AVGN: A-B-B-A.
- [Kyle slowly comes back to his human life form. Once he does, he sees The Nerd and groans in disgust.]
- Kyle Justin: [groans] I guess somebody needs a favor.
- AVGN: Yeah. I need your help, to beat a game.
- Kyle Justin: Let me-- let me guess. A shitty game?
- AVGN: Yeah, a shitty game. Ikari Warriors.
- Kyle Justin: Yeah, I know that game.
- AVGN: Oh yeah?
- Kyle Justin: Yeah, I know what you could do with that game too.
- AVGN: Uh huh.
- Kyle Justin: Yeah, yeah. You take the game, and you take your ass cheeks as well, and you just open them up really wide, and you grease up the game and just shove it up your ass! I'm not helping you. Besides, you never play my theme song anymore.
- AVGN: Yeah, the theme song. And I thought people were getting tired of that.
- Kyle Justin: You thought wrong.
- AVGN: Yeah, [to camera] I know. Alright, so if we do the theme song, will you play the game with me?
- Kyle Justin: Fine.
- AVGN: Alright. Let's do this. Play the song.
- [Kyle cracks his knuckles.]
- Kyle Justin (playing scales on his guitar and singing): Do-mi-so-mi-do...
- AVGN: Play the song. [Kyle clears his throat] Play the fucking song! [Kyle moistens his lips while getting spittle on the Nerd, then sings the theme song as the Nerd pantomimes frustration]
- AVGN: Okay, Ikari Warriors. You know what "Ikari" means?
- Kyle Justin: What?
- AVGN: Anger.
- Kyle Justin: Do you know what "Warrior" means?
- AVGN: "Warrior"? No.
- Kyle Justin: Brave soldier or fighter?
- AVGN: Brave soldier or fighter.
- Kyle Justin: So who is this guy? Rambo?
- AVGN: Well, if that's Rambo, who's the other guy?
- Kyle Justin: Arnold Schwarzenegger?
- AVGN: Which movie?
- Kyle Justin: Commando.
- AVGN: That'd be a fucking awesome movie! John Matrix and John Rambo, together at last! Of course it'd be "Rambo and Commando'". Say that three times fast.
- AVGN and Kyle Justin: Rambo Commando Rambo Commando Rambo Commando!
- (Just after entering Level 2, The Nerd and Kyle come up to a point where Kyle's character has become stuck inside a rock.)
- AVGN: You're not stuck. Stop fooling around. Get outta there.
- Kyle Justin: I'm trying!
- AVGN:...you're really stuck. (Begins lobbing grenades toward the rock)
- Kyle Justin: Just kill me.
- AVGN: I'm...I'm trying!
- Kyle Justin: No, kill me for real.
- AVGN: Wait, wait, just wait for one of these missiles to come. (The enemy missile hits the rock and obliterates Kyle's character.) Alright. We're back in business now. (The Nerd then sees what happens next and gets a look of shock on his face; Kyle's character still cannot move) Oh, shit, you respawned inside another rock!
- Kyle Justin: I've had it with this fucking game! I'm gonna blow my fucking brains out!
- (He picks up a Zapper, puts it to his head, and pulls the trigger. He flashes on screen four times, then disappears.)
- AVGN: (turns to where Kyle was sitting) A-B-B-A!
- (This time, Kyle comes back to life with part of his body stuck behind the couch.)
- Kyle Justin: Aw fuck!
- AVGN: You're right. Having two players doesn't help much.
- Kyle Justin: Get me outta this couch, you damn Nintendo dork!
- AVGN: Yeah, made it to Level 3. And finally it looks different! But the music's still the same. Anyway, it looks so different it's like you stepped out of the jungle and into The Twilight Zone. Look at all the white chocolate bars and scrotum guns.
- Kyle Justin: [singing] White chocolate bars and scrotum guns. [stops singing] Wait, I don't remember the episode with the scrotum guns, but the one with the gremlin on the wing was pretty good.
- Kyle Justin: [singing] It's the game of life.
A, B, B, A.
It will bring you back today if you want it to.
- [The Nerd has died again and is frantically trying to punch the code in.]
- AVGN: A-B-B-A! A-B-B-A! Fuck!
- Kyle Justin: [singing] It will save you today...
- AVGN: It didn't save me now!
- Kyle Justin: [singing] and bring you back to life...
- AVGN: Apparently near the end of Level 3, A-B-B-A stops working.
- Kyle Justin: ...didn't save him today...
- AVGN: Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we're gonna use Game Genie to get infinite lives. [puts the NES Game Genie with the cartridge attached into the Nintoaster] Then we're gonna use a stage select code; that way we can go back to Level 3 and continue our fucking game. You can find the code in the classic book How to Win at Nintendo. Nowcheck out this code: "right before the title screen, press: up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A ,B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B, select." [pauses incredulously] WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?!?! Why's the code have to be so fucking long? And according to this you have to punch in the code before the titlescreen comes up!
- AVGN: (after he tries to enter the code) So, I'm faster than greased lightning now. I can pull off the whole code before the title screen comes up, but turns out the book was wrong. To really find how to do the code you check out the VHS tape, "Secret Video Game Tricks, Codes, and Strategies". Yeah, I used to rent this fucker from the video store all the time. But anyway, the real way to do the code is during the title screen, not before it. Let's try again. (enters the code during the title screen)
- Kyle Justin: (singing) Up, down, A, A, B, left, right, A, B, up, A, down, right, right, left, B, up, left, A, right, B, left, right, A, left, up, A, down, A, right, left, B and start.
- AVGN: So here we are, back in level 3.
- AVGN: Anyway, the last stage is as hard as fuck. I hate these guys that swim under water. You cant shoot them when they're submerged, and they're too fast to outrun. What are these, human beings or fucking torpedoes?
- Kyle Justin: (singing) Throw milk at them, just try it, might work.
- AVGN: Now let's see how bad this ending sucks.
- Kyle Justin: [singing to the tune of the AVGN theme song]
- You have accomplished
- the mission.
- You are the very prevailer
- that protect right
- and justice.
- I would express my sincere.
- Thanks to you.
- Take good rest!
- General Kawasaki
- AVGN: Get back behind the couch.
- Kyle Justin: [still singing] He's the Angry Video Game Nerd.
- Kyle Justin's "Scrotum Guns" song, version 1
- We might be past the scrotum guns
But I haven't forgot them
'Cause they are so hairless
Where did their hair go?
Ooh, where did their hair go?
Where did their hair gooo?
Where did their hair go?
- AVGN: Why's there always gotta be bats?!
- Lloyd Kaufman: Bats, th-these aren't bats, Nerd, these are cats with wings! When-when I was a teenager at Tijuana, I-I had some pussy with wings. [AVGN smiles and snickers before covering his face with his hands] And-and-and th-that's what it's all about, man! [AVGN laughs offscreen]
- AVGN: Yeah. How do you like this? World 2-4, World 2-5, and we're still going. And it's a portable console! You can beat Super Mario Land at a time--
- Lloyd Kaufman: [Interrupts the Nerd] Wh-What are you talking about?! You want something to, uh, take a long time to beat?! Would take me a long time to beat off to Justin Beiber, man! And uh...
- AVGN: [nods in agreement] Takes a long time.
- Lloyd Kaufman: Long! My penis is pretty damn long right now! [AVGN snickers offscreen] And I'm... I'm not even flaccid.
- AVGN: Look at all the "Z"s on the fence. That's exactly how I feel when I play this game. [Lloyd Kaufman yawns as he falls asleep with the controller in his mouth] ...Like going to sleep. [AVGN glances at him and nods] Alright, alright, okay, okay, okay, okay!
- Lloyd Kaufman: [suddenly wakes up and hallucinates] Ah, where am I?! [whimpers as he twiddles with the SNES controller]
- AVGN: Alright.
- AVGN: Well, as you can see, you can tell it's another beat 'em up game. So what do you think of that chopper? Why's it have so many colors?
- Lloyd Kaufman: Well, uh, the chopper is made out of a tie, man. And it's tie dye. That's why it is those many colors. [AVGN shakes his head before he and Lloyd Kaufman struggle over the controller] Give me that! Give me that! I want that!
- AVGN: What 'bout the music? Couldn't they have something more upbeat and action-packed? [volume of background music from Toxic Crusaders for Sega Gensis increases]
- Lloyd Kaufman: I love it. I love it. I...It makes me want to strip, Nerd. [actually removes his coat along the music while AVGN quickly glances and shakes his head] I wanna take my clothes off.
- AVGN: Okay, okay, okay!
- Lloyd Kaufman: Ah, I love this music.
- Lloyd Kaufman: [having such difficulty playing] Fuck! Jumpin' Jesus on a... fuckin' pogo stick! Fuck! Dick! Quack! Weewee! Doodle! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUuuuuuuuhh!
- AVGN: And that's what happens when we go from the movie, to the show, to the game - it's like putting a golden egg on a mountain of shit, and then you roll it down and it gets shittier and shittier and shittier. By the time it gets to the bottom, it ain't the same. (to Lloyd) And look; that's your name on it! That's your name on this game!
- Lloyd Kaufman: I spit on my name! [makes spitting noises]
- AVGN: What you created that's great got transformed into a mutated anomaly that'd make the Pope weep. They made a mockery of your shit, man! What're you gonna do about it?!
- Lloyd Kaufman: What am I gonna do about it, what am I gonna do about it?! I'm gonna shit on this, I'm gonna take a huge dump, here I go, and I had baked beans for dinner! (removes the cartridge from the Nintoaster, and puts it on the floor) You want shit, you shitty fuckin' game?! Well, here it comes, here it comes! (drops his pants and lets loose shit as the Nerd watches in horror) You shitty shit game, how'd ya like that?!
- AVGN: UGH, IT'S NASTY, OH, GOD, OH! [his stomach rumbles and he pukes on the pile of shit as Lloyd laughs insanely]
- Lloyd Kaufman: Ah. That'll teach you, you fuckin' game.
Bill & Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure
- The Nerd: What happens when you take an 80s comedy film like Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure, and turn it into an NES game? Two guys are struggling to pass their history course, so they go back in time in a phone booth to get the aid of famous historical figures. It's dumb, but it's great entertainment, and a video game adaptation seemed like a good idea. It had fun characters, time travel, and adventure. So how could you fuck it up? You wanna know? [Metal rock music plays as the Nerd reveals the LJN logo.] That's how.
- The Nerd: Who are these "time rebels," and why do they want to do this? Well, guess what. They're never referred to again. Yeah, they're just for your imagination. [a thought bubble with the time rebels appear]
- Blue-Haired Rebel: Man, wouldn't it be funny if we put Thomas Edison in Ancient Egypt? [chuckles]
- Green-Haired Rebel: How about Galileo in the Jurassic period? [they both chuckle] We're assholes.
- The Nerd: So where is Rembrandt? You can explore this whole land, but you won't find him anywhere. That's because you need to lure him out, with bait. What is he, a fucking fish? The bait can be any random object. There's four of them hidden on each stage; one of them will make Rembrandt appear in one of the random houses. How do you find this bait? You wanna know? Guess what? By jumping into things! [the Nerd jumps into a tree, and falls] This game treats you like an idiot. Like, "Hey kids, you wanna play a Bill & Ted game? Well, here you go! Go jumping around into fucking bushes and fences! That'll keep you busy! Have fun!"
- The Nerd: Fuck the townspeople, fuck not knowing where to go, I'm gonna get the power. Nintendo Power! [searches for a Nintendo Power magazine as he jumps and falls] Wasn't there. [jumps and falls again then finds a Nintendo Power magazine]
- The Nerd: The correct item is supposed to be something that would belong to this historical figure, and here is where the game could've been somewhat educational. But instead, it's a joke. For example, for Julius Caesar, you're supposed to give him salad dressing. [fake laugh] For Thomas Edison, you're supposed to give him a compact disc. Yeah. Let's not change history, by the way. For Cleopatra, a credit card. For Elvis, a gravestone. Here you go, Elvis! Here's your fucking gravestone! You're gonna die! For King Arthur, the Holy Grail. Yeah. Entire stories have been written about finding the Holy Grail; you're going to find it by casually slamming into a bush or fence. Just a little side quest. For Jesse James, an Uzi. You're going to give Jesse James a fucking Uzi? You're going to give a notorious outlaw a more contemporary weapon! Yeah, just help him out! Might as well give, I don't know, Vlad Tepes an atom bomb? Anyway, I give Rembrandt the Paint Roller, and he says, "Let's party." That's exactly what he'd say. He also mentions that he'll pay for the call. "Of course, here's some coins for your phone booth time machine from the future." And now, we have to go through the damn time circuits again. [a phone booth time machine runs into a pink skull, and The Nerd runs out of coins] My coins ran out. Didn't that motherfucker say he was gonna pay? [stage restarts] Aw, great! I have to roam around this fucking stage again, looking for coins? I've had enough.
- The Nerd: I'm losing my faith in the NES library. Was there any quality control here, you know, that-that, um, seal of quality, did that mean anything?! Did anyone look at these games before they dumped them in the back of every KB's and Toys "Я" Us?! How many of these games are worthless?! All the LJN ones, I can tell you that, but there are good games here, there are! Zelda, Mario, Metroid, Contra, Castlevania, Mega Man, but then, A BIG FUCKIN' SHITSTORM HIT IT! A SHITSTORM OF HORRIBLE GAMES! And at the middle of it all, a rainbow! A rainbow of shit! LJN! And Bill and Ted...might even be...THE WORST LJN GAME ON THE NES! It doesn't just have some "flaws," there's no good and bad. This game is all bad. Like, I'm impressed! How did they do it? How did they make it so bad? Bad doesn't even describe it! It's disgraceful! It's putrid! In fact, I even looked up the word "putrid" in the dictionary. There's no definition. It's just a picture of Bill and Ted on NES! Curse this fucking game! Curse the plastic that encases this dung heap! Literally, it's a plastic shell filled with shit! IT'S FUCKIN' SHIT! It's... it's ass, it's garbage... And that's it, good night.
- [walks off screen for 2 seconds, before coming back]
- The Nerd: Oh, wait, I forgot to mention as a matter of fact, it also sucks monkey fuck, and it's a worthless pitiful pile of snot-dripping, pus-bubbling, wet, steaming mountain of buffalo butt dump, and mere descriptions can't even describe the inane lack of common sense that even a child would possess when making a game with chalk on a sidewalk. I can't even come up with a description that's foul and disgusting enough to even come close to this rancid abomination. Can't describe it. I'm done; For real this time.
- [walks offscreen for 7 seconds, and returns]
- The Nerd: [yells] THIS GAME IS DIARRHEA COMING OUT OF AN OLD WOMAN'S BLEEDING VAGINA! IT'S FUCKIN' TERRIBLE! WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?! [angrily] I know; They weren't thinking.
Tiger Electronic Games
- The Nerd: Tiger, on the other hand, continued well into the 90s. In fact, I remember these things being more common in the 90s than ever. They kept pouring obsolete games into stores, and we were still buying them. They wouldn't die off! They were like cockroaches! By giving people a cheap alternative, they managed to coexist with the Game Boy. Yeah, this Tiger definitely rose up to the challenge of its rival, had the guts, got the glory, went the distance, now it's not going to stop! It's literally a Survivor!
- The Nerd: Tiger games were so outdated they were never in-dated! They were a fad, like Pogs! If they were an experiment in the 70's and they only made a few of them, then I could accept that. But no, they milked these things for all that they're worth! You thought LJN was the grand champion, the almighty shitty game factory? Tiger put LJN to shame! Sure, LJN laid down turd after turd after turd, but Tiger was like a machine gun ass shitting out turdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturdturd! These are the worst games I've had the honor of playing, if you can even count them as video games! People have discussions like "Are video games art?" or something like that. Well, I have a better one: are Tiger games video games? These are a caveman's version of video games! These were a step back in human evolution! These are the most desperate attempt at entertainment! You could save up for a Game Boy, or just go [mimics playing a game with the sound effects]. Yeah, well [mimics game sounds to motions of jerking off and flipping the bird]! Just what the hell? How did they waste so much plastic to make these things?! It brought the game industry down as low as it could go! It's proof that Jesus died in vain and legally changed his middle name to Fucking! The only thing I could think of to use these things for is to wipe your ass with it! You might as well save that toilet paper! It's worth a whole lot more! [he drinks Rolling Rock] But I'm not done, am I? Oh, no. I've actually gotten into this point. It's time to talk about the wrist games. [he holds up a Tiger wrist game and groans disgustedly]
- The Nerd: Now check this out: Batman Returns, the wrist game. Oh, boy... (The Nerd tries to open it) Wait, I can't get it open. Good. God, I hate this shit! You know... You know what's bullshit?
- [The Bullshit Man appears as "You Know What's Bullshit" theme song plays and the Nerd looks in shock]
- The Bullshit Man: YOU KNOW WHAT'S BUUUUUUUUULLSHIT?! [gives the Nerd a pair of scissors] Packaging that you need scissors to open! Even with the scissors, it's still a pain in the ass. Why's this plastic so fucking strong? This stuff is bulletproof. Nobody wants this shit, so why do they do it? They use it on everything! This kind of packaging should be outlawed! Why does it still exist? I especially "love" when you buy scissors and you need scissors to open the scissors. What fucking idiots think this is a good idea? They don't care. By the time you're having this problem, you already bought it. Packaging like this is bullshit. [leaves]
- The Nerd: Thanks, Bullshit Man. [looks at the Tiger wrist game and sighs]
- The Nerd: [playing the Batman Returns wrist game] Wow, look at how badass this game is. Yeah, this is the hot shit right here. You'd be so cool going around wearing this thing. Yeah, you'd be walking around school with this thing on, and everybody else is talking about what the new hot video game system is going to be. [scoffs] Nintendo 64? The Bit Wars? [chuckles] 64 bits. 32 bits. 16 bits. 8 bits. 4 bits! 2 bits! 1 BIT! HALF-BIT! QUARTER-BIT! [shouts hysterically] THE WRIST GAME!!! And you thought that was it for Tiger, huh? Handheld games, wrist games, Tiger (computerized voice) Pokémon Walkie Talkies?! Yeah! That's not enough? Well, how about a whole fucking Tiger game console?! In 1997, this was Tiger's belated answer to the Game Boy. You'd think it was called the Game-Dot-Com, but it's actually the Game.com.
- Game.com bootup voice: GAME.COM ACTIVE.
- AVGN: So, that's the Game.com. Needless to say, it flopped, especially with Nintendo dominating the portable gaming market. So, hey, why not just follow whatever Nintendo's doing? That mentality is what brought us what I think, so far, is the worst video game console I have ever played: the R-Zone. This is basically a shitty version of the Virtual Boy. Yes, I said that, as if the Virtual Boy wasn't shitty enough. Just look at it! What planet did this thing come from?
- AVGN: Just when you thought the most sorry, pathetic excuse for a video game was the Tiger wrist games, oh no. [points to wrist game] Imagine playing one of these, up close to your eye in red-and-black. [shot of the gameplay from the R-Zone's Batman Forever game] GOOD LORD! You thought I was kidding. But it's true. This actually happened. Unlike the Virtual Boy, which causes eyestrain and headaches within minutes, this thing does it immediately!
- AVGN: I love how the advertisements always show a kid playing it. Look at his expression. He's horrified, and in the commercial, the kid's screaming in agony!
- Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator): You better not blink.
- Kid: [screams]
- Rodger Parsons (Pokémon Narrator): Indy 500 roars into the R-Zone!
- AVGN: It's the Halloween season again, and I can't miss the occasion to celebrate by torturing myself with another assanine game! Alien³ on NES, based on the movie. The first movie, Alien, was like a slasher film set in outer space; the second movie, Aliens, brought the action genre into the mix and gave it a wider mass appeal. It made a huge impact on not only film, but video games. The concept of shooting down hostile aliens, fighting for survival, was perfect for video game adaptations. It's no wonder why so many games like Contra and Metroid were influenced by the Alien movies' art style and their feelings of solitude, confinement and claustrophobia. Can you even count how many games blatantly ripped these movies off? The first two Alien movies were masterpieces, but the one we got on NES was the bastard sequel, the unholy 3 that had mixed reactions: some people like it, some people don't. It's not a terrible movie, but it's not great either. But, you know, I'm not gonna get all into right now. Monster Madness. So let's take a look at the game. Is this good enough for Halloween? I mean Alien³ is a horror movie. Is this scary enough? (He notices the LJN logo on the cartridge. The lights dim to a flickering red as the film's signature Nostromo self-destruct sirens blare.) Okay, now it just got fuckin' scary!
- AVGN: Quality ass? QUALITY ASS? That sums up the whole thing. There is no quality assurance with this shitload of fuck. This game is as much fun as a witch's cunt. It's a shame that there was never a good Alien game on NES. Oh, wait. Actually, I take it back. There were some good Alien games on NES. They're called Contra and Metroid! Yeah. You know, it's not the worst LJN game, I have to say, nor is it even that bad of an NES game. It's playable, as much as the movie is watchable. Huh. Maybe that's what they were going for. In that sense, they got it right. It may not be a pile of goat puke-smothered buffalo diarrhea, it's just a pile of goat puke; hold the buffalo diarrhea. I don't even know if buffaloes get diarrhea. But it pains me to know that there's still more LJN games out there, and I just can't take it. I can't fuckin' take it anymore! (He leaves. Cut to the ending scene where he jumps off the platform and falls into the lava pits below. He cries out in agony as the Cinemassacre logo bursts through his chest.)
- The Nerd: You know, there's been many games based on the Angry Video Game Nerd. Which is me. Yeah. All these years, while I've been busy playing shitty games, people have been making games about myself. There's been so many games about me, I can't even keep up. Unlike the majority of games I've ripped apart, these ones were made by independent game developers, usually single-handedly, all by themselves, and hopefully they will have growing careers and aspire to make better games than a whole company of Laughin' Jokin' Numbnuts ever could. [referring to LJN.] Another thing that makes these games different from the games I usually play, is that I have to play them on a computer. [The Nerd looks at the Commodore 64.] Hmm. [shrugs his shoulders.] Well, anyway, the first AVGN game I'm gonna look at is: The Angry Video Game by Eric Ruth. This was the first AVGN game that ever came to my attention back in 2008. You might be wondering: what took me so long to get around to it? Well, the answer is simple: That's how long it took to load it on my Commodore 64!
- 8-Bit Nerd: [a tombstone appears where the 8-Bit Nerd died, with only the word "FUCK" on it.] I'm dead! Fuck!
- The Nerd: Is that going to be my epitaph? [camera zooms in on tombstone] "FUCK"?
- The Nerd: The weapon is the worst thing of all. The beers fly in an arc, so, you have to get in the right spot to calculate the trajectory, and everything blocks your aim. Fuck, fuck! I can't hit this fuckin' fish! Fuck! Dah! These beers are like the rock in Friday the 13th, and I already told you how bad that is. [his eyes widen in horror, as he looks at the screen] Oh, no. Is that why the game was designed this way? All the random enemies and all those things, it's because those are the kind of things I complained about. This game is all my fault. [groans in disgust]
- The Nerd: It takes a lot of extra effort to put a game on a real cartridge, so how could you resist AVGN vs. Dr. Wily by ABOhiccups?
- [the screen scrolls up along a skyscraper, exactly the same as in Mega Man 2's opening.]
- The Nerd: It's gonna be me, isn't it? It's gonna be me. [a sprite of The Nerd is on the top of the skyscraper, instead of Mega Man.] Yeah, that's me!
- The Nerd: So basically, it's Mega Man 2, but instead of Mega Man, it's me. I'm in Mega Man 2, one of the best games ever made, and I'm in it! If I could've foreseen that as a kid, I would have shit my pants. The other difference is that the levels are redesigned to be way harder than the original game.
- The Nerd: After the tutorial, you get a selection of stages. Clearly, it's the largest AVGN game yet. I'm using an Xbox controller, and the controls feel 100% fluent. There is no doubt about it: this is a legitimate sidescroller; proving that the genre is still alive and strong. We don't even need to go back to the past, we're still in the past. And why is the music so fuckin' awesome?
- The Nerd: The death screen always generates a random quote, saves me the work of trying to come up with something. Let's try Dungeons & Dickholes. [in-game Nerd descends a ladder, and the next screen scrolls down to reveal an impossible death trap, shocking The Nerd] Now this is going too far. When I came up with this idea during my Super Pitfall episode, I didn't know somebody would actually create this exaggerated death trap. I can't even blame anyone but myself. I came up with this! What was I thinking?!
- The Nerd: And at the heart of it all, the final boss, my arch-nemesis. It's, it's...Fred Fuchs. [spelled "Fred Fucks" in-game.] It's the programmer, motherfucking Fred Fuchs. Finally, I get to kick his ass! Yeah, fuck you, Fred Fuchs! [growls] FUCKS YOU, FRED FUCH! [screams, and beats Fred Fuchs as he grunts] Got 'im! [in-game Nerd's text says, "Oh shit, Game Land is falling apart!!"]
- The Nerd: Whew! I feel like I played every bad game I ever played, all at once. And now others are playing it, because of me! It's like I shared all my horrible experiences. It's all my fault! FUCK THIS GAME!
- [he Nerd imagines the many ways he's destroyed previous game cartridges. He moves in to strangle the Commodore 64, but stops once he realizes he can't destroy the game like that. Instead, the Nerd types a delete command and deletes the game once and for all, with a heavy, satisfying mash of the Enter key as the Commodore's screen reads: *FILE DELETED*.]
- The Nerd: Take that, game.
AVGN Wish List (Part 1)
- AVGN: (on Where's Waldo) It's as if the pages of the book have been chewed up, digested, and shat out an 8-bit ass! How can you find Waldo in this?! WHERE THE FUCK IS WALDO?! He doesn't even know where he is!
- AVGN: (after he plays the NES version of Where's Waldo) Imagine buying this piece of shit for 50 bucks. Nowadays, releasing a game this short would never be excusable. Well, anyway, we have a lot more games to get through, so stay tuned for Part 2. I'm gonna go get the games. [he walks around in different directions like Waldo in the cutscenes]
AVGN Wish List (Part 2)
- The Nerd: The Three Stooges. This has always been a huge request. I've dreaded this moment for a long time. [powers on the game, which displays the title screen for Ghostbusters II] What? Ghostbusters II?
- [The Three Stooges walk onto the title screen, and stop in front of the Ghostbusters logo]
- Curly: Hey, fellas. We're in the wrong game.
- Larry: Hey, this looks like a kid's game.
- The Nerd: [smiling] Now, that's funny.
- Moe: You imbeciles!
- The Nerd: I've always been a big fan of The Three Stooges, but the game's charm ends right after the title screen.
- The Nerd: [reviews Home Improvement] How do you take a family sitcom and turn it into a video game? Well, the plot starts out with Tim "The Toolman" Taylor on the set of his show, Tool Time. Remember the show within the show? So, his tools go missing, and he has to go onto the sets of other shows to find them.
- The Nerd: I'd give this game a better chance if I could read the instructions. The instructions might help, right? Yeah, guess what, there is none. Technically not. The manual opens up to a fake sticker printed over the pages that says "REAL MEN DON'T NEED INSTRUCTIONS"! Very funny.
- The Nerd: [playing Pit Fighter on SNES] As a kid, I never made it past the second guy. Even as a rental, it only made for about fifteen minutes of play-ability, if that, before ya turn it off and take it back to the video store. And I know it has to give you your health back at some point, but I've just made it to the fourth opponent, and still, they don't give you any health back. This is the worst Super NES game I've ever played! Worse than Super Noah's Ark 3D, worse than Shaq-Fu, worse than Wizard of Oz, worse than Lester the Unlikely! I am dead fucking serious! Even B-mode Double Dragon was better than this, and that was on NES. Sure, it gets monotonous, and awkward at times, and you can only play as the same characters fighting themselves, but, it has much more fluid control and is way more fun than Pit Fighter.
- The Nerd: [after he plays Bubsy 3D: Furbitten Planet for the PlayStation] Most of the games I own are junk. I'm hoarding junk! I SURROUNDED MYSELF WITH FUCKING GARBAGE! [sighs] All right, one more game, and then it's Happy Holidays and good fucking night. Let's end with Spider-Man: Maximum Carnage, on Super Nintendo. Everyone says I should play this one, as if I haven't already played enough Spider-Man games. They're all terrible! But, maybe this one's okay. After all, I'm not sure how I missed it, because it's one of the only Super NES games that's red. Anyway, let's give it a try.
- The Nerd: Well, the comic book cutscenes are, quite nice. The gameplay? Well, it's a beat-em-up game. Monotonous, but fun. The controls are responsive, and the hit detection works fine. The sound effects are good, the punches and grunts you hear all lend themselves to the fun, stress-relieving nature of these kind of games. It just feels good when you hit things. You can climb up on buildings, which offers some variety and breaks up the monotony. It can be a little frustrating, but not too bad. And the music is upbeat and energizing.
- The Nerd: And what do I hear? ["The Mob Rules" by Black Sabbath plays] It's The Mob Rules, by Black Sabbath! I don't mean it just sounds similar, it's the same song, just a 16-bit rendition. It even does the solo! [16-bit rendition of Black Sabbath's "The Mob Rules" solo playing] I think it was just a rip-off, and that they never got Black Sabbath's permission, but it's still welcome to hear and adds to this games' enjoy-ability.
- The Nerd: That's right. I found a good Spider-Man game. Better late than never. It's no masterpiece or anything like that, but it would have definitely been worth a rental at the very least. Who made this game?
- [The Nerd turns over the box, revealing that is was published by...LJN! The Nerd's eyes widen in shock, and he drops the box in happiness realizing that LJN pulled through and published a decent game for once!]
- ["White Storm Dam" plays]
- The Nerd: [in shock and happiness] My God. Oh, my God. THEY DID IT... THEY PULLED THROUGH! OH, MY GOD! THEY MADE A GAME... THAT'S NOT A STEAMING PILE OF FUCKIN' SHIT! OH, MY GOD! THEY DID IT! THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! I found a gold, at the end of the rainbow-- Oh, maybe it's not gold, maybe it's bronze or somethin', but... THEY MADE A GAME THAT'S NOT SHIT! IT'S NOOOT SHIIIIIT!
Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing
- AVGN: This time, we're not gonna go too far back into the past. Only to 2003 with a PC game called Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing. I usually stick to consoles, and I don't usually do games from the current millennium, but this is a huge request. I've been told countless times that it's one of the worst, if not the worst game ever made, but I'm sure that's an exaggeration. It just looks like a generic mediocre racing game with trucks. And it's from the new millennium, well after the pioneering days of gaming, after the ETs and Jekyll and Hydes, after the advent of quality control, so how bad could it be? Let's find out.
- AVGN: [upon first experiencing the games lack of collision detection and physics] Soooo...what are the complaints here? This is awesome!
- AVGN: "Big Rigs: Over The Road Racing". "Over the road" is right! It's my way or the highway, and the highway ain't got shit. Oh my god...
- AVGN: I'm not trying to find glitches! It just so happens that the whole game is a glitch! Look at this picture here; the hill turned into nothing, the tail lights are flying off the truck and this bridge is hovering over thin air! The support beams are so close to touching the ground, but don't. (His truck is pushed up through a bridge and he sees his opponent standing still) The fuck was that? Oh, by the way, that's the computer opponent who's still at the start line. Never moved. I'm literally running circles around him. Y'know, I kinda forgot I was in a race here. That is the purpose of the game. It doesn't matter which stage you're playing. The opponent always stalls at the start line and never moves an inch. You can spend the whole time driving through buildings, over mountains, and under bridges, and still win the race. What kind of challenge is that? Have you ever heard of a video game where you can't lose? How did the programmers forget to make the trucks move? Let's see if I can merge the trucks into one. (He tries to line his truck up with the opponent) Here we go. Eh, eh... (He succeeds) Yeah! That's some fine work. (He drives off and makes a whoosh sound)
- AVGN: This is the most unstable game I've ever played in my life. And would you believe, that the copy I own is a more recent version of the game? Yeah. The version that most people have played is commonly found on the internet, and is even less functional! In this version, one of the stages doesn't even work. If you try to pick this stage, it crashes the whole game. Not that it's any loss. It looks the same as any other stage. The truck you're racing against doesn't do anything different. It still sits there, waits for you to lap it and cross the finish line. Here we go. (He crosses the finish line, and the game text reads: "YOU'RE WINNER!" He looks at it in shock and snorts, and begins snickering.) Oh, no. No. (laughs humorously) Oh, no! No! (laughs even more humorously) "You're Winner" is the kind of stuff that turns horrible games into legend. It's the cherry on top the diarrhea shake. It's already been a popular internet meme for many years, but in the packaged version of the game that I own, it's been corrected to "You win." Disappointing, I know.
- AVGN: But there's at least one other version of this game, a newer one - version 3 as far as my knowledge goes - but anyway this one has a major advancement. Really big. Check this out; the other truck moves. Wow. No fuck. It's like we're actually having a race here. I'm gonna let him win just to see what happens. I hope it says "You're a lose" or something like that. Here we go. [Crosses the finish line, "You win" screen pops up. The Nerd looks in confusion] What happened?! How did I win?! Apparently, the other truck driver just decided to stop a little short. In other words; you can't lose! Why did they bother to release a new version if they didn't even fix the most basic thing?! But hey, the truck moves! So maybe this improvement pushes the game into the... pre-alpha stage. At best!
- AVGN: These monumental blunders distract from all the regular flaws which would already be enough to fill any shitty game; most of the stages look similar, there's little variety, there are no sound effects other than the engine of the truck, the tail lights are fixated on the back of the trailer doors and they look like someone made them in Photoshop with a basic brush tool! Want me to prove it? [Creates tail lights exactly like the ones in Big Rigs in Photoshop] There you go. The street is always breaking up like the Glitch Gremlin paved over it, certain light posts are given strange colours that stick out from the rest of the game, the Arc de Triomphe appears twice in a row in a geographically inaccurate area, the trucks are referred to as "cars", the "Ultranav" points you get from crossing checkpoints don't always go in order - what the fuck is "Ultranav" anyway? The timer goes outside the box and on top of all that the box that the game comes in is a complete lie! Never do the police chase after you. Maybe if that was just the front artwork, that would be excusable, but the back says, "You'll be hauling loads and trying to stay one step ahead of the law." "Deliver your load to its destination."
- AVGN: What are they talking about? That never happens! Oh, no, no, I stand corrected. This game "delivers a load" all right - load of fucking shit! I'll deliver a load all over this fucking game! It's not even a game. It doesn't count as a game. If it were a game, you could lose. But you can't! It's nothing but win! "You're winner!" It's like the game feels sorry for you! [He drinks Rolling Rock]
- AVGN: This is not even close to a finished game - if you can call it a game. It's the worst game ever made! And I've played a lot, what is this, episode 118? So that is a big statement, but I'm DEAD FUCKING SERIOUS. It isn't as frustrating as Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, no no, it's not as bad of an experience as that, but in terms of functionality, this is an all time low.
- AVGN: You can't release something that's not finished! Who looked at this? I mean, who looked at THIS and thought, "Yeah, that's OK. Put that out."? There's credits, which suggest that actual human beings were behind this. More than one. What were they thinking? Why would anyone want their name on this thing, and did any single one of them look at this and think "Maybe there's still some work left to do?"
- AVGN: By the year 2003, wouldn't there have been some kind of quality control? Even the worst games from the 70's had some playability. I would have assumed that Big Rigs was just some test game. Some kind of demo that a college student made, not an actual game that got sold in stores. It-it couldn't have been sold in stores. But, apparently, it did. This is the box. It came in a box! And it was rated by the ESRB! Someone from the ESRB looked at this game and gave it a rating! I know it's not their job to judge the quality of the game, but somebody looked at this and thought "Wow. This is shit. But, E." Imagine buying this game, thinking it's gonna be a cool racing game, then you bring it home and play it and you get this. It's like a cruel prank. They should've recalled this game and gave out refunds. Imagine advertising this sort of thing. Imagine putting a commercial on TV for this shitload of fuck. I wonder what it would've been like. Hmm. (He imagines a TV commercial for "Big Rigs: Over the Road Racing.")
- [Mock advertisement, featuring gameplay footage, over the top production and a heavily tattooed James Rolfe wearing sunglasses, acting as a trucker]
- Trucker: Hey, kids! Strap yourself in for some action packed racing!
- Voice over: It's Big Rigs!
- Trucker: Eighteen wheels of thunder, and we've got trucks! Yeah... trucks!
- Voice over: Big Rigs!
- Trucker: Off-road traction! More power for non-stop driving action!
- Voice over: Big Rigs!
- Trucker: Over the Road Racing! Under the road, over the road, who knows?
- Voice over: Big Rigs!
- Trucker: Never lose a race again, You're always winner!
- Voice over: With Big Rigs!
- Trucker: Engines equipped with quantum phasing molecular mechanics to pass through solid objects so as to not interrupt the racing experience! Nothing stands in your way!
- Voice over: When you're Big Rigs!
- Trucker: Rear spinning tires with warp-drive velocity for interdimensional exploring! Leave the game behind and exceed the boundaries of existence!
- Voice over: Big motherFUCKin' Riiiiiiggs!
- Trucker: Drivin' around in fuckin' trucks!
- Voice over: BIIIIIIIIG MOOTHHHERRRRRFUCCCCKIN' RIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGS!!! Big Rigs.
- AVGN: Well, there's one last thing left to find out. How fast can you go in reverse? Let's push the limits. (He drives in reverse, gaining speed quickly) The truck's fucking the ground. (The Nerd feels like he's traveling the speed of light, and the truck's engine noise becomes high pitched. He covers his ears) That noise! That noise, how high can it go?! Light speed! Ludicrous speed! We've gone to plaid. (Screams wildly) I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! WE GOTTA STOP! (Releases the reverse key as the chair flies back, crashes into the video room) Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit!
- The Nerd: There was a game that was said to be even worse than Big Rigs. It was also a driving game and it's called Desert Bus. It was so unspeakable that it was cancelled before it was even released.
- The Nerd: The manual (and yes, there is a manual) says "No, it's not an oversight. Does your life have a pause control?"
- [The Nerd chuckles weakly, groans angrily and is about to drink a Rolling Rock, but puts it aside]
- The Nerd: I'm drivin'. (hangs an air freshener on the camera)
- The Nerd: [using a clamp to hold down the A button, just like in The Terminator (NES) episode] How do you like that trick, Penn & Teller? If you can't beat the game, let the game beat itself.
- [The Nerd walks away, and the bus is still driving, gradually veering off the right side of the road. The Nerd returns and sees what is going on]
- The Nerd: What, what? The fuck?! [grunts and tries to continue driving the bus, but is unable to] It's stuck! The bus is stuck in the sand. [The Nerd looks at the screen at in disbelief and takes a deep sigh.] They made the bus veer to the right on purpose. [groans] They thought of everything. God damn you, Penn and Teller!
E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial
- The Nerd: E.T. on Atari 2600. To begin with, it's not a game you just pick up and play. Most games this generation were very simple. Shoot a bunch of aliens, climb to the top of the screen, stop missiles or chomp down all the pellets, but E.T. is an enigma. With all these random symbols appearing at the top of the screen and falling in holes all the time, it's no wonder why gamers did not understand how to play this game. You have to read the instruction manual. So, once you understand how to play the game... IT STILL FUCKIN' SUCKS!
- The Nerd: [after he completes the game] Phew! So, is it really the worst game of all time? Umm... I don't think so. It's frustrating, i-it's challenging, and it's a brainteaser... but, that's what makes it so addicting. And considering it was made in such a short period of time, it's more sophisticated than anything of its era. Raiders of the Lost Ark was just as strange and cryptic and that game was met with glowing praise. Both of these games came with instruction manuals. Now I can understand kids just wanting to pick up a game and enjoy it without having to read anything but, if you could understand Raiders, you could understand E.T. So what was it that gave this game such a reputation? I can't answer that. It's just something that happened... it's something we needed. Is there something mystical about the game? (The Nerd nods) There is. It's... a floor plan to Area 51 as well as an access key and every cartridge contained a piece of the alien ship, sure, but, forget about all of that! The mystical thing about all these old craptastic games is that, they somehow... hold a place in our hearts... and bring us back to that special time when we were kids, and that's the power of the classics... and... the not-so classics that we love to hate.
- The Nerd: You know, what I'd rather do is trap a bunch of beetles in a jar, smush 'em with a lemon squeezer, and drain their juice into a shot glass. And no, I didn't say anything about drinking it.
- The Nerd: I think the game has more to do with the star than the movie; I mean the star in the sky, the real Betelgeuse. It's a red super-giant that's going to explode one day. Does that not accurately describe the feeling you get from playing this piece of shit? This particular star is always pulsating; it's so inconsistent that it's sometimes called the ninth brightest star in the sky, but usually the tenth. These fluctuations in inconsistencies are exactly what they were going for with the unpredictable nature of this game. When you're flying all over the place like a spring-loaded turd in a pinball machine, that's just like the star itself, how it's been speculated to have changed course at one time or another, possibly because a nearby stellar explosion, or in this case, a fuckin' bug. I mean, here we have a game where what exists outside the edge in the screen could take effect or not; the absence of visibility will result in death, whereas the existence of something harmful but not visible will still be in effect! Is it any coincidence that a game with no definable boundaries would have such a distinct relation to a star with optical emissions that vary, making it hard to define the photosphere? Or what about how the star is surrounded by a circumstellar envelope made up of matter that's been ejected from the star, kinda like a mass of bees coming out of a beehive, and making an outer field around the hive? Betelgeuse is part of the constellation of Orion. That's what the ancient Greeks viewed it as but of course today we all know that's actually a skeleton shooting a fireball. Why would Betelgeuse be on the shoulder? Well, quite simply, anyone who's played this game as a kid has a chip on their shoulder whenever you bring up the name! And at last the game was released in May. That's the same month when Betelgeuse can be seen over the western horizon after sunset for only a brief period of time. Likewise, it was Western US gamers who played this right after sunset when their homework was done, and it was only for a brief period before they threw it to the ground, beneath the horizon. So yes, I'm convinced the game was based on the star, and not the movie... or you could just say they fucked it up, and took too much liberty with the source material.
The Twelve Days of Shitsmas
1. Tagin' Dragon
- AVGN: Well, it's Christmas time, again, already, and that means... more shitty games for me. And I have a pretty big pile here, thanks to all you. All requests, a despicable dozen, and we are going to savor these juicy turds one day at a time. Because this is the 8th Christmas since I first started doing these Christmas specials, so we're going to do something a little different, a little excessive. 12 Days...of Shitsmas.
- AVGN: [After he opens a present] Oh no, it's ALF on the Sega Master System. Of course, it's based on the TV sitcom from the '80s. I used to love that show, just for the fact that the star character was a puppet. Ah yes, the loveable Alien Life Form "ALF" or Gordon Shumway who crash lands on Earth and lives with the Tanner family, not the Tanners from Full House. The goal is to collect special items to get his spaceship working so he can leave Earth and go home, along the way, having to avoid FBI agents who are out to get him. This is all strangely reminiscent of E.T. on Atari 2600. (Zoom in on an FBI agent) These guys are creepy, they look like pedophiles, perverts, child molesters. The way they're dressed in stereotypical trenchcoats and grabbing at the air, as if saying "Come on ALF, I got some candy. I don't wanna hurt you, I just wanna... grope your little alien ass." (The FBI agent follows ALF into the kitchen) GET OUT OF MY KITCHEN YOU FUCKING SICKO!
- AVGN: There's no goal unless you can see how high you can rack up the score. In other words, how long can you hold the D-Pad for! You like that game? You don't even need the game, just the controller and a timer! It would be more fun to stare at the wall! I have a whole new appreciation for Desert Bus! Big Rigs is more exciting than this shit! This broke the shit scale. This is a whole new higher level. First there's poop, then there's shit and then there's...DEFACATION!!
4. Ren and Stimpy: Fire Dogs
5. Rocky and Bullwinkle
- AVGN: EAT THIS, BITCH! YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK WITH A MOOSE THROWING BOMBS!
- AVGN: Well there you have it, Rocky and Bullwinkle. Shitty game, shitty graphics, shitty music, shitty everything! Fucking big, clumsy moose! Bullwinkle, (Does a Bullwinkle impression) I'm Bullwinkle! MORE LIKE BULL FUCKING SHIT!
6. Mary-Kate and Ashley: Get A Clue
7. V.I.P with Pamela Anderson
- AVGN: This is a scumbag's idea of a game. "Let's get some slutty girls and give 'em guns, huh huh!"
8. Lethal Weapon
- AVGN: Let me give you some advice. Never play a movie based game. You know why? Okay, okay. They FUCK you with the movie games! They FUCK you, they FUCK you! They know that you're going to buy the game and by the time you play the game and realize that you got fucked, it's too late. They don't care! And after fucking you, they fuck you some more. Who got fucked? The ones who bought the game. The ones who rented it were the lucky ones. They fuck you with the graphics, fuck you with the music, fuck you with the gameplay, they FUCK you, they FUCK you, they FUCK you! Walk off screen to select the character. That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard of. That would be if I just walked off screen right now and somebody else came in.
- [AVGN leaves the room and Mike Matei comes in the room to take his place]
- Mike Matei: I'm getting too old for this shit. [starts playing]
- AVGN: What an experience Pee-Wee had. Can you imagine the story he has to tell? "I was walking down the street. Narrowly avoiding a speedboat, a submarine on wheels, a parade of naked Dr. Seuss characters, a rabbit pig and dudes in cars. I fell down into a pond where I swung around on a pole and build a ladder up into a girls locker room shower with this weird blobby ghost tried to grab my dick. I DROPPED A BUNCH OF PYRO EQUIPMENT DOWN THE SAME HOLE THAT LEADS TO THE POND BUT SOMEHOW ENDED UP ON TOP A BUNCH OF SCAFFOLDING WHERE I WENT UP AND FINISHED IT ALL UP WITH A BOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!!!" And that's why you gotta love Atari.
- The Nerd: And yes, he just turned into a cheeseburger.
11. Universal Studios Theme Parks Adventure
- AVGN: Universal Theme Park Adventure on Gamecube. A game based on a theme park, that was based on movies by Universal Studios, the giant movie making machine that made some of the greatest films of all time. From the classic monster movies of the 30's and 40's to the Spielberg masterpieces like Jaws, E.T. and Jurassic Park. Over the years, Universal Studios has celebrated its movie legacy by slowly converting its Hollywood studio location into a big amusement park for the public and destroying film history. You know the opera house set from the classic Phantom of the Opera that stood on Stage 28 for 90 years? Destroyed. The oldest surviving movie set in history gone over night to make way for a Harry Potter ride. But hey, Universal Theme Park was still a lot of fun. You know in the Back to the Future DeLorean and then there's volcanos and shit and then you're riding the bike with E.T. and then the...the truck comes and almost hit you and then you're on the waterfall and...then the T-Rex comes out and then...and then fucking Jaws is jumping out of the water and King Kong shaking the tram and then there's earthquakes and then there's those other movies that you don't even know what the fuck they are, nobody cares! It was awesome! By the 90's, this whole theme park idea was so huge, they opened up a new one in Florida. This is when Nintendo helped advertised it in the movie, The Wizard and then in 2001, Nintendo start promoting it again with this game (the Nerd inserts the disk into the Gamecube and turns the Gamecube on) which I think, sounds awesome. What a great idea to take all these movies and put them into one using the theme park as a way to tie them altogether and on a new advanced console. How could you go wrong?
- AVGN: Well, only one present left. [Looks at the left present] Wanna take a peek? Yeah, let's take a peek. [Picks the last present then reveals the LJN logo as he feels shocked.] NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
12. LJN Video Art System
- The Nerd: It can't be! (Opens a present then reveals LJN Video Art) LJN made a video game console. It's already bad enough they already monopolized the genre of shitty disfunctional video games, but now, to make a whole fucking console. The biggest turd LJN ever shat. Let's take a look.
- The Nerd: Ooh, no, oh, no, oh, NO! Oh, I hate these. These things come from Hell! These are the devil's pitchforks that you have to screw on the back of your TV!
[Upon turning on the video game system, the game just blares static]
- The Nerd: Well, you have to admit, this sure has a killer soundtrack. Yeah, next time you're having a conversation about best video game soundtracks; Mega Man, Castlevania, no, tell them about LJN Video Art. I can see it right now like, "Uh, how does that one go? I don't remember that." "Oh, it goes like: [imitates static sounds]"
- The Nerd: The game has no sound... This is a unique specimen, not because it doesn't have sound, but because it outputs white noise, so technically, it does have sound, but it's fucking static! This kind of shit is the reason the Mute button was invented. Yeah, so turn the sound off, put on some Witchfinder General, and while you're at it, put on a different fucking game!
- The Nerd: So, this concludes this marathon of crap, 12 shitty relics from the ass of the past. Hope you enjoyed it. Enjoyed in a strange way, I guess. You know, why do we focus on the bad memories? Why are we sentimental over the crappy past? I don't know, but I do know that the things of yesterday that were worthless, you all found some way to give them worth. You've done this, I've done this, we've all found ways to just make the best of things I guess. Maybe you're having a good holiday season, or a bad one, or an indifferent one, whatever the case I just want to bring you some joy. I hope you got a laugh, or even just a chuckle, uh, because it's that time of year, where everybody... make happy. Be a comedian. With all sincerity, have a Merry Christmas, happy holidays in general, and I'll see ya in 2015. Get ready for those self-lacing shoes, hoverboards and flying cars!
Hong Kong 97
- The Nerd: I've been called upon to take care of business once again. Apparently, there was a game worse than Big Rigs. Worse than Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Worse than CrazyBus or Desert Bus! It was known as Hong Kong 97, and I've been getting requests for it up the ass. The requests are so far up the ass, it's time to shit 'em out! The game was made for the Super Famicom in Japan. But never saw its way to the rest of the world. This is one title that we definitely didn't get on the Super Nintendo. It was made by HappySoft. HappySoft was most famous for making... Hong Kong 97, their one and only "masterpiece." (scene switches to an animated scene of HappySoft, rising from a fiery pit, shitting out Hong Kong 97) On this one occasion, they rose from the depths of Hell, excreted this unholy turd onto the Earth, and then descended back to where they came. (scene cuts back to real life) Supposedly, the game was so horrible, it barely even came on the Super Famicom at all. Stores rejected it and its release status is a mystery. It's so rare that to this day, not a single cartridge or physical copy has shown up at all. I can't even find a picture of one. So the only way I can experience this game... is the same way as the rest of the Internet.
- The Nerd: [upon seeing the word "fuckin'" in the game's intro story] This can't be real. No. No. Somebody's pulling my leg! "A herd of fucking ugly reds"? Was 'a herd of ugly reds' too weak? Did they really need the F word to FUCKIN' drive home the FUCKIN' point?
- The Nerd: One hit, and the game's over. Why would I expect anything more? [Sees the game over screen, a picture of what appears to be a real corpse, accompanied by the text "Chin IS DEAD!!"] No... oh, please! I hope that's not a real dead body. No, there's no way they'd have such bad taste! That's gotta be an actor. Or... we're looking at some guy who died on that date and time in 1992.
- The Nerd: The strange thing is that Deng Xiaoping actually died in 1997. The game...predicted the future. In fact, 1997 was the year the United Kingdom returned the rule of Hong Kong back to China. The movie, from '94, forecast this in the tagline: "99 years of British rule are about to come to an end. Hong Kong will never be the same." The movie stars Robert Patrick, the T-1000 from Terminator 2: Judgment Day, and Judgment Day takes place...in 1997. Part of Deng Xiaoping's ear is sort of cut off, like when Mike Tyson bit off a piece of Evander Holyfield's ear in 1997. The car, I'm willing to bet, is a Mercedes-Benz, in which Princess Diana died in '97. And what was the year Coca-Cola launched Surge? '97. And it's no coincidence all my surge protectors were made in China. Rebooting the entire game after you die? Just like Symphony of the Night. '97. Jackie Chan, uh, Rumble in the Bronx, uh, the Bronx, New York City, the Big Apple... [gasps] The year Steve Jobs returned to Apple in '97. The unstoppable, unrelenting song is called I love Beijing Tiananmen, also known as I love Peking Tiananmen. Peking Duck is a famous duck dish from Beijing. [gasps] And Scrooge McDuck had his 50th Anniversary in '97! The game was such a titanic failure. [gasps] Titanic, the movie from '97! Why was this game's sole purpose to direct us to the number 97? Huh. Like the NGC-97 galaxy in the constellation of Andromeda, the princess Andromeda who was chained naked to a rock to be sacrificed to a monster. Like Princess Leia and Jabba in Return of the Jedi. [gasps] The Special Edition of Star Wars in '97! Ah, fuck, we're back again. Man, I'm just trying to get a final answer here, but I went full circle. Like the song that keeps looping. A game that keeps repeating. Maybe it's all about a cycle. An endless cycle. Old, shitty games that become new again. The past becomes the future, birth and death, on and on, it's the cycle of life. The game is the meaning of life! And the thing that keeps life going; Reproduction...and food...which becomes shit. The game is fuckin' shit. There.
- The Nerd: [searching for a game to review that would supposedly give enough material] I got it, Mad Max! It was made by Mindscape, proving that not EVERY NES movie-based game was made by LJN. See - LJN was like a cat, and the NES library was its litter box. When the litter box gets too shitty... the cat shits somewhere else. Now I'm on track.
- The Nerd: [reviewing the aforementioned game] Well, ya drive around, ya run around shootin' people, ya drive, shoot, drive, shoot, buy stuff, drive and shoot. I wish it were LJN because they would've given me more to talk about!
- The Nerd: Call me an explorer; I've been searching for the perfect shitty game. And I've seen just about EVERYTHING at this point! But ya know what? I'm gonna do something that I've never done yet. And that is to review a game, on... [turns his camera to the TurboGrafx-16] ...the TurboGrafx-16. Holy shit. [The TurboGrafx-16 floats out to the camera.] The TurboGrafx-16 was developed by Hudson Soft and NEC. Its original name in Japan was the PC Engine, which sounds like a computer on a train. No wonder they changed it. The games came on cards, which was unique. It was technically the first 16-bit console, made to compete with the NES, but it was soon trampled by two titans, the Sega Genesis and the Super Nintendo. Yeah, you were either asking your parents for the Genesis or the SNES. The TurboGrafx-16 was the one nobody gave a shit about. It didn't have as many third-party game developers workin' for it, but the benefit of that was that it meant less shitty games! The TurboGrafx library is less contaminated than the rest. That's why it's taken me so long to get to it. There's no major stinkers that stick out. But I might've found one. Darkwing Duck, based on the TV show. remember the show, but I'm not overly familiar with it, which is a fair spot to be in. I have no high expectations, or low expectations. By now, I've played some of the most HORRIBLE GAMES that are humanly possible to make: Plumbers Don't Wear Ties, Big Rigs, Hong Kong 97; I think I've set the bar too high, or too low, depending which way ya look at it. So now, let's go into some more sensible territory; let's get serious. Or should I say... "Let's get dangerous"?
- The Nerd: Great! The game just began and they tease ya with an item that you can't get! There's gotta be a way... Oh - I see, ya bounce on the skateboarding penguins' heads. [turns to the camera] How can I be so casual when I say "skateboarding penguins"?
- The Nerd: It's not like I have to get the D; I don't even know what it does! But it pisses me off! I feel like an ass! I can't let that go! I feel like I've been fooled! It's like a test from the game programmers! A challenge! Like, you put that D there, and I'm gonna figure out how you intend I get to it! ... I give up. There's a whole game ahead of me. Fuck the D; the D can suck my dick!'''
- The Nerd: I've been playin' on "Normal Mode". I'm changin' it to "Easy". Huh. "Easy" and "Normal". Should be called "Hard", and "FUCKING BULLSHIT"!
- The Nerd: Don't you think there'd be a reason why the window is broken? Doesn't it look like I can hop down there? (Darkwing jumps up to the cable) How 'bout hangin' on the power lines? Darkwing is actually reaching up as if he could grab on! But it never happens! It messes with your mind! It's a psychological sucker-front! A facade! It's the equivalent of an open door that ya can't go in!
- The Nerd: So much shit comin' at me! SO MUCH SHIT! [The Nerd falls below the platform and into a different level. He is shocked.] What the fuck just happened? It's like you make one wrong step, you go to the dungeon, BITCH!
- The Nerd: You can't duck and shoot. Great. Well at least you can duck. You ARE a duck. I dunno what kinda fucked-up duck can't fuckin' duck
- The Nerd: (As the Nerd waits for a correct time to jump, a safe falls on Darkwing's head, much to the Nerd's dismay. The camera cuts to him looking shocked by this. He then gets an angry look before he opens his mouth.) (Screams angrily) FU.....!!!! (this is interwoven with multiple clips of the Nerd screaming; the final shot is an explosion) (angrily) If you stand still for TOO long, a safe drops on you! Like the game is saying, "FUCK YOU!" Might as well just be a giant middle finger. And it should be the only part of the game in 3D! Put on your 3D glasses! Get ready! Set! Fuck you, kids!
- The Nerd: This could've been a decent game. Darkwing Duck is NOT one of those concepts that's doomed from the start. The show had elements of action, crime-solving and humor. It's been done well before! (Footage of the NES version of "Darkwing Duck" is shown) There was an NES version which was basically like Mega Man but with a duck. It was made by Capcom, who of course made the Mega Man games, and DuckTales. Those all turned out great, so what happened here? The control isn't just bad, it's uniquely bad. In an indescribable way.
- The Nerd: Every game with bad control has its own feel, its own identity. Making bad games is an artform. It's a delicate recipe. Some are worse than others. It might be a massive truck load of elephant shit, or, a pellet of bird poop. To explain exactly how bad it is, I've invented "The Shit Scale".
- The Nerd: It begins with "Games That Are Debatably Bad". Somewhat good games, with serious flaws. Not part of the turd crust, but well within smell range.
- The Nerd: Then you get to the "High Level of Shit Contamination". Games that are possible to play, but nobody in their right mind would.
- The Nerd: Then ya get into the "Very High" category which encompasses the majority of LJN games. This is where you could still survive, but you'd come out traumatized... for life.
- The Nerd: Next is the "Severe Zone". This is for masochists only. These are games that could kill a person. STAY AWAY. Don't even think about it!
- The Nerd: Then we have Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Enough said.
- The Nerd: Finally, at the EXTREME end of the scale, "MAJOR CODE RED"; we have games that don't even qualify as games at all. They shouldn't even be on the scale! But they are. And that's so you know to beware. NEVER play them, NEVER talk about them.
- The Nerd: So where does Darkwing Duck fall on the scale? I'd say somewhere around... here. ("Very High" category) Of course that means there are games that are worse, but from what I've seen so far, Darkwing Duck is the WORST game on the TurboGrafx-16. Being the worst at something is quite an achievement. I'm the fuckin' Nerd, I'll see ya next time. (The Nerd throws the game and grunts angrily) Nnrgh!
- The Nerd: So what do you do in this game? Well, the instructions say: "You are free to enjoy Seaman-" [slaps the instruction booklet against his forehead] AW, NO, NO, NO, NOOOOOOO! IT'S SEA-MAN! SEA...MAN! Not semen. [awkwardly pauses for 2 seconds] AS IN JIZZ! SPLOOGE! MAN BAZOOKA JUICE!
- The Nerd: Yeah, you wanna look cool? Put a Sega Dreamcast on your wrist with a TV and a gas-powered electric generator! You'd be so awesome! Let's play this.
- Leonard Nimoy: Then take the egg from the storage matrix...
- The Nerd: Yeah. When he says "Matrix.", he sounds like Galvatron.
- [The Nerd watches in horror as the Nautilus thrashes around, bleeding out]
- The Nerd: Agh! Ah, that's repulsive!
- [several Seamen spawn (Gillmen) come flying out of the Nautilus' corpse]
- The Nerd: ...Whooooaaaa...
- [one Gillman swims right up to the screen]
- The Nerd: GAH! OH, MY GOD! AHHH, GET AWAY FROM ME YOU MYSTICAL ANCIENT PHARAOH MOTHERFUCKERS! Ah! I gotta do it! I gotta do it for Nimoy! (gives the Vulcan salute) FOR NIMOY!
- The Nerd: [to microphone] Hello.
- Seaman:[sarcastically] Yeah. Hello. Whatever.
- The Nerd: [to microphone] I just wanna talk.
- Seaman: [sarcastically] Blahh, blahh, blahh. Happy?
- The Nerd: [to microphone, annoyed] Yo, fuck-face!
- Seaman: Let's be sure and get my name right, skin puppet. You're a pain in the fuck.
- The Nerd: [to microphone, angrily] Suck my dick!
- Seaman: Hey, Seaman don't play that.
- The Nerd: [to microphone] I'll... (What can I do?) I'll tickle you.
- Seaman: Are you coming on to me?
- The Nerd: [to microphone] Talk, talk. Speak, speak.
- Seaman: Bite me.
- [the Gillman flings a viscous substance at the screen]
- The Nerd: Did he just take a shit? 'HE JUST FLUNG SHIT AT ME!
- The Nerd: Whoa. That's deep, man. But it's bullfuck! The game demands I play by its schedule. So, what am I gonna do to pass the time? Well, I guess I'll play this Famicom Disk game, which roughly translates to "Explosive Fighter Patton". Why? Because people told me so; they keep feeding me this shit. Let's check it out. [inserts the disk. The screen says: "TURN TO SIDE-B AND INSERT TO FUCKING BOX!".]
- The Nerd: [stunned] No. No way! It's an official Famicom disk game that says the F-word! And this was in the 80s; this was before Hong Kong 97! IT'S AN OFFICIALLY RELEASED GAME ON A NINTENDO CONSOLE...THAT SAYS "FUCK"! OH, MY GOD, MY LIFE IS COMPLETE! IT SAYS FUCK! [shouting] IT SAYS FU....
- [brief montage indicating the passage of time]
- The Nerd: [continues shouting] O-oh, I forgot about Seaman! [turns Dreamcast back on]
- Leonard Nimoy: I regret to inform you that Seaman has passed away...
- Seaman: Hey, guess what we're doing over here!
- [two Gillmen are interconnected; the Nerd is shocked]
- The Nerd: Oh, no, no, no-no-no, please, please! The Seamen are mating. And they felt the need to announce it; to make it known! There they are; staring you right in the face! I didn't even know one that was female. They both have a male voice. That's not... logical.
- [the top Gillman sinks to the tank floor]
- The Nerd: It dies? It got fucked to death?!
- Seaman: In general, would you describe yourself as a confident person?
- The Nerd: [confused] Am I confident in myself? Well--
- Seaman: You don't have to be perfect to still be able to like yourself, so tell me.
- The Nerd: [lying on the futon like a therapist couch] It all started with my pet albatross.
- Seaman: The most important thing is that your dad knows how much he means to you.
- The Nerd: I just feel like...nothing matters, you know?
- Seaman: [each line interleaving with one another] If you manage to glimpse the world through each other's eyes, you have to keep up with technology. What will your future be like? It's a natural result of the world's economy becoming no reality independent of observation.
- The Nerd: I-I never thought of it that way.
- Seaman: Human beings are the only animals smart enough to entertain itself in a complex way. [the Nerd nods in agreement]
- Nerd: Look at this ugly, murky mess. I'm sure they were going for a dark, moody atmosphere and all that, but don't you think it's a little too dark? It's almost just a black screen with yellow and red pools of light. Looks like somebody bled and pissed all over the place, after smearing the camera lens with their shit after taking a bunch of Pepto Bismol.
AVGN: This game is worse than a Mischief Night prank! Mischief Night is throwing toilet paper all over someone's yard. This game is the equivalent of throwing toilet paper after you wiped your ass! It's as refreshing as a horse's anus! Fuck The Crow up its bird ass! And fuck you, you fuckin' clown-faced joker kiss makeup wearin' King Diamond Beetlejuice Alice Cooper Marilyn Manson motherfucker!!
Mortal Kombat Mythologies: Sub-Zero
- The Nerd: C'mon, c'mon - oh, get the fuck outta my way - [a monk gets crushed by a moving pillar] AH-HA-HAH! YEAH! DID YOU SEE THAT?! I FUCKIN' SQUASHED THAT BITCH! [A pillar squashes Sub-Zero] FUUUUUUCCCCKKK!!!
- The Nerd: Afterwards, you get a cutscene. This is where I should mention that the game was also on PlayStation. It's very similar, but the most noteworthy difference is that on the N64, the cutscenes are still images and text, but with the PlayStation version, since it was a CD-based console, it was able to have full motion video and audio.
- Scorpion: I am Scorpion. You killed me in cold blood.
- The Nerd: Um... Just stick to Mortal Kombat: Annihilation.
- The Nerd: (after he plays the game, he takes out the cartridge) No wonder I haven't played this one before! THIS IS ANAL SAUCE!!!
- (The Nerd throws the cartridge and freezes it like Sub-Zero.)
- Mortal Kombat Announcer: Finish him!
- (The Nerd destroys the cartridge into blood and guts while he grunts angrily.)
- Mortal Kombat Announcer: Fatality!
Mega Man Games
- The Nerd: [first lines] It's been 10 years since I first began broadcasting to you through the miracle of YouTube technology. And since then, I've been trying to keep up with the times. I've just finished upgrading my vinyl record collection to cassettes. And I got a new cell phone... [he holds up an old-style Motorola mobile phone] (Check it out.) [Nokia fanfare plays] ...and I finally got one of those new rectangular TVs. I've been reorganizing all my game consoles, new video switchers, working out all the bugs, new shelves, I can now get behind my game consoles to reach all the wires, and of course, the ability to play games in HD clarity. Yeah, hi-def. Yeah. Now let's play some 8-bits.
- The Nerd: BLAM! Shootin' shit, running around in your blue underwear! It doesn't get any better than this.
- The Nerd: Mega Man II is favored by many. It's considered to be one of the supreme examples of these types of side-scrolling action games. It's the one everybody knows. Just like another Capcom game, Street Fighter II, which revolutionized the tournament fighter genre. I guess you can say Capcom made the best number twos.
- The Nerd: Explosions! Dialogue! EXPLOSIONS AND DIALOGUE, AT THE SAME TIME! [Shouting] OH, MY GOD!!!
- [Explosions occur in the Nerd's room with some dialogue saying "This is Hunter Base. Do you read me? Are you all right? Any damage?" interrupting for a brief moment then explosions resume while the Nerd yells]
- 2016 Nerd: Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. [points at R.O.B.] Why is that there?
- 2007 Nerd: I don't know, it just sits there.
- 2016 Nerd: Get rid of it.
- 2007 Nerd: Why?
- 2016 Nerd: You'll know by Episode 100.
- 2007 Nerd: Uh, Episode-- [stutters] What?!
- The Nerd: Look, I know this sounds weird, but I've sorta been time-traveling around through AVGN history.
- Back Nerd: Yeah. That's weird. We've never seen anything weird before.
- 2006 Nerd: What's AVGN?
- Right Nerd: [with an idiotic smile] Audio Video Graphic Network!
- Back Nerd: [sarcastically] A VaGiNa.
- [2016 Nerd just facepalms in annoyance.]
- 2006 Nerd: So what time did you come from?
- 2016 Nerd: From ten years into the future.
- 2006 Nerd: That's nice. Could you have picked a more confusing time to show up?
- Left Nerd: [sarcastically] Not confusing at all. Time-traveling back into a dream, that happens all the time! MAKES PERFECT FUCKING SENSE!
- 2006 Nerd: Relax.
- 2016 Nerd: All right, now look, I could tell you that Freddy's around the corner and he's waiting to kill all you, [Freddy's shadow gets annoyed, gives the middle finger, and walks away] but I'm gonna show you how much worse things could get. [shows the PlayStation Disc] Here is Mega Man Legends, on PlayStation.
- 2006 Nerd: PlayStation? We're the Angry Nintendo Nerd!
- 2016 Nerd: THEN CHANGE THE FUCKING NAME! It's about time!
- Back Nerd: How about Angry Nintendo Commentator?
- [2016 Nerd facepalms]
- Right Nerd: How about Retro Nostalgic Video Gaming Shit Seeker?
- 2006 Nerd: How about Nostalgia Critic?
- 2016 Nerd: [in disagreement, as if saying, "That's not gonna happen."] Now that's fucking stupid.
- Left Nerd: How about "Angry Video Game Nerd"?
- [The Nerds agree on the name]
- Right Nerd: Yeah, that's good.
- Middle Nerd: I agree with that.
- [Mega Man walks toward a magazine rack]
- The Nerd: "There're some dirty magazines on the racks..."?
- [The Nerds have shocked looks on their faces, and they start laughing]
- The Nerd: "It might be fun to look at--"
- [The Nerds all exclaim things such as "WHAT?!" and "OH, MAN!" and "OH, MY GOD!" and having various looks on their faces, ranging from disgusted to laughing.]
- Left Nerd: MEGA MAN'S LOOKING AT PORN!
- 2006 Nerd: My life is complete!
- Right Nerd: [laughing] Mega Man X. more like Mega Man XXX.
- 2016 Nerd: Well, anyway, this guy's gotta take a shit, so take out that Nightmare on Elm Street cartridge and empty your ass all over it.
- Back Nerd: [in embarrassment] I wish you would've said that earlier.
- [The other Nerds smell, gag and hold their nose after knowing Back Nerd defecated his pants.]
- 2004 Nerd: You didn't play Jekyll and Hyde again, did you?
- 2016 Nerd: [beat, shakes his head] ...No! Never... Mm-mm.
- The Nerd: I'm back. It's yours truly, the fuckin' Nerd, here to play some more shitty games. Let's pop this fucker in here-- [The Nerd picks up an SNES cartridge and is shocked to see it is Mega Man Soccer. He puts the game in the SNES, turns it on, plays it and shudders in shock at the game play.] Wha--? W--? WHAT... WERE... THEY...THINKING?!? [he runs, hurls himself out the window and screams.]
- AVGN: Extra! Extra! Paperboy goes mad! Here's some assifieds! Here you go daily douchebag! 10% off your next purchase of "FUCK YOU"! Cloudy with a chance of fuck kicking! Dear Abby, make 'em eat fuck! Crosswords, can you spell cunt? Horoscopes, you will achieve greatness - in FUCK!
- AVGN: Aiming the newspaper into the mailbox is like trying to slingshot a dingleberry from a playground roundabout that’s situated on a moving parade float aiming into a bottlecap that’s tied by a string to a Himalayan snow-cock! While drunk!
- AVGN: Then there's a tire that randomly comes rolling out from behind the house. Who's back there rolling tires? Get a life.
- AVGN: The Grim Reaper is in town... That's a problem.
Beavis and Butt-Head
- The Nerd: (belches) Yeah, that's how you critique it, you just say this sucks... yeah... uh... you know when you eat rump roast - are you like, eating a cow's butt? (burps) You know the word "this" is like "shit" spelled backwards? Or uh... maybe it isn't. Maybe I should like, uh... play another game, or something?
The Berenstain Bears
- Other Nerd: These are the real Bad News Bears!
Sega Activator and Aura Interactor
- The Nerd: Streets of Rage 2.
- Keith Apicary: Yes! That's my autobiography.
Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers
- The Nerd: After that, you get this awkward driving stage where you rescue people.
- Voice in game: [exclaims] Over here! All right!
- The Nerd: [sarcastically] "Love" hearin' those voices over and over again.
- Voice in game: Over here! All right! Over here! All right!
- The Nerd: "Over here!" "All right!" "Over here!" "All right!" "Over here!" "All right!" "OVER HERE!!!" "ALL RIGHT!"
- The Nerd: [Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie on Game Boy] Take a look at the Rangers. Which one's your favorite? (shows the Rangers on the Game Boy's monochrome screen) The Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, Dark Green, or Dark Green Ranger? Mine's the Dark Green Ranger.
- The Nerd: This problem escalates when you get to the sand. Oh, God, the sand. Let me tell you about this. You have to punch and kick all this sand out of the way, and it's a race against time because there's a machine following close behind you. If it touches you, it's a one-hit death. You have to get rid of that sand as fast as humanly possible. You can't afford any wasted hits, which means you have to master the science behind this punch-kick phenomenon. The top square can only be taken out with the punch. The middle with a kick or a ducking punch. The bottom, only with a ducking kick. So not only do you have to know when it's going to be a punch or a kick, but you also have to know when to be standing or ducking. The only successful pattern I found is duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. I can't even do it without saying it out loud. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Duck-stand-stand, duck-duck-stand. Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! Fuck-shit-shit, fuck-fuck-shit! FUCK-SHIT-SHIT, FUCK-FUCK-SHIT! (Ranger dies) FUUUUCK!!!
- The Nerd: I mean, how bad could this po- it's gonna fuckin' suck, isn't it?
- The Nerd: So far, this game has given me nothing but shit! The game is giving me shit!!! [The Sonic 06 box game is literally trying to give the Nerd a piece of shit] No! No! No!
- The Nerd: [Talking about how the shopkeeper is only saying welcome] Especially him. The only word on the screen is "welcome", but his mouth is moving like crazy. What more could he possibly be saying?! [The Nerd appears on screen and mimics the shopkeeper] Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcomewelcomewelcome...
- The Nerd: [Commenting on another NPC] Then there's this crack addict in an alley. [The Nerd mimics the NPC] Hey, hey, hey, did you see that, did you hear that? [starts babbling unintelligibly] Cra- Cra- crack, I need crack.
[Tails jumps over the rail and dies in water]
- The Nerd: Did Tails just kill himself?!!
[Tails falls off the rail again and dies]
- The Nerd: He did!!
[falls off the rail and dies again]
- The Nerd: [appearing on the game screen] He just couldn't take it... The game was that bad! (sighs and jumps into the water)
- The Nerd: [about the Free Willy poster] It looks like the kid is punching the whale! Who the hell could punch a killer whale so hard it becomes airborne?! You don't fuck with that kid!
- The Nerd: "Cleared ACT Mission"? What kind of terminology is that? That's like saying "Cleared LEVEL Stage". This game is "DICK Cock".
Planet of the Apes
- The Nerd: Well, it's one of those "where the fuck do you go?" kind of games...
- The Nerd: OH, THE ONLY PLANET THIS GAME CAME FROM IS URANUS! OH, THIS GAME IS A MADHOUSE! A MADHOUSE! OH, YOU DAMN DIRTY GAME DESIGNERS! YOU MANIACS! YOU FUCKED IT UP! DAMN YOU, DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL! Oh, that's it. I'm going back to Earth!
Game Boy Accessories
- The Nerd: This one, called the 'Handy Boy' was released by... STD? STD?! WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD NAME THEIR GAME COMPANY "STD"?!
- The Nerd: (on Game Boy accessories) But then, to top it off, the grand finale. I'm not even emotionally ready to tell you about this, so just sit back, here it is. The PediSedate. This thing was intended for hospitals, to help children relax when they're about to be put under for surgery or a medical procedure. Essentially, it's a pair of headphones that you plug into the Game Boy. You could probably plug it into any portable gaming console, but more importantly, it has a cup that goes over the child's mouth, and releases the sleep gas, or laughing gas, or whatever it is they need. So, it's the only gaming peripheral I know of that gasses you! Imagine being sedated while playing fuckin' Dr. Mario! What would that be like? Oh, my God! I was gonna make up a bunch of fake shit at the end, like the Game Boy Dog Turd Collector. But nothing I can make up can top this! And this thing was rea-I mean, it didn't get released, but it was invented and patented. The Game Boy must have been the most multi-purposed thing in existence! Astronauts actually took it into space! It could withstand bomb blasts, you could take photos, print, sew, find fish, get sedated! I wanna be sedated with a Game Boy!! I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAME BOOOY!!! BAM BAM BAMBAM BAMBAM BAM B-B- I WANNA BE SEDATED WITH A GAAAAAME BOOOOOY!!!!!
- The Nerd: It's a really smart idea to be wearing radioactive fucking SHOES!! Seriously...is Skooter that fucking RAD that he doesn't care about RAD-iation poisoning?
- The Nerd: Trying to hit a guy here is like trying to hit a grain of sand with a tennis racket while Andre The Giant farts directly into your nostrils!
- The Nerd: Wow. And how about the most annoying character select screen possible? I don't know who the fuck most of these guys are, and they have no names! Who are these people?? They just shout random slogans at me and move at about two frames per second. Whatever, I'll pick Ric Flair. And of course it controls like ass. The punches take almost a full-second delay! And seriously, why does everyone walk around like there's shit caked up their ass?! Fuck this piece of shit! I'm done! (Takes the game out of the Super Nintendo]
- The Nerd: Let me tell you something, brother! This game is the worst there is, the worst there was, and the worst there ever will be! Woo! It's a limousine-fucking, jet plane-sucking, diarrhea-drinking, asshole-stinking Hell-on-Earth in a cartridge, and I'm gonna open up a whole can of whoop-ass on it! And that's the bottom line because the fucking Nerd said so!
- The Nerd: Seriously, why couldn't they give all the WWF games to Capcom instead of giving six of them to one of the worst video game companies in existence? Oh, and did I mention the toy line? LJN made the toys, too, and those fucking sucked also! Ugh! What were they thinking? Man, if LJN stood for Laughing Joking Numbnuts, then WWF must have stood for... Wisecracking Wiener Fuckfarts. [Actually, Nerd, WWF stood for "World Wrestling Federation." Now it's WWE, which stands for "World Wrestling Entertainment."] (gets knocked down by SNES cartridge with a steel chair and the audience angrily boos while the cartridge celebrates as if giving the audience a middle finger, and saying "FUCK YOU!")
- The Nerd: (after unsuccessfully trying to escape) The only way it'll let me go is if I show the game! (crying) I had to... I had no choice. I can't stand this anymore. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry just... [cries] Just don't look. Don't look, turn the video off right now! Once you see it, it's in you forever.
- (The camera pans to floor as the Nerd walks toward the Polybius console and looks up at the screen, which shows a 3D-looking square tunnel and then a Tempest-like screen with other shapes. The screen flashes shapes randomly before the YouTube Video Unavailable screen appears. The face suddenly changes into the Nerd's face before the screen cuts to static.)
- Todd Tuckey: What's going on? Hello? ...Well, the camera's here. (picks up camera) Well, there's the game. (static interspersed with Todd screaming)
Robocop NES Games
- RoboNerd: Dead or alive, these games fucking suck. And of course, they're based on a great movie. You know, RoboCop!
Sonic '06 (Part 2)
- The Nerd: Seriously, the last thing I want to do after beating Sonic '06 is play more fuckin' Sonic '06! I'd rather rip every individual pube out of my scrotum with salad tongs than play this anymore!
- The Nerd: [after he beats Sonic '06] Wow! Can't say I've seen that before. Well, Sonic '06, it's all done. Just to think, all the hours spent, all that time, all that torture, and now, it's all over?
- [sultry jazz music plays as the Nerd glares at Sonic '06 with bedroom eyes. Whipping and laughter sounds as the scene cuts to the dungeon with Sonic '06 whipping the Nerd.]
- The Nerd: [exclaims] Yeah! You like th-Ah! Ah! Yeah! Give it to me! [shouting] Ah! Yeah, yeah! [exclaims] Yeah, oh you like it when I give you those bedroom eyes! [shouts] Yeah! [exclaims and shouts]
Charlie’s Angels (GameCube)
- Charlie: Good morning, Nerd.
- The Nerd: Who said that?
- Charlie: Down here, Nerd.
- The Nerd: The fuck is that thing?
- Charlie: It's me, Charlie. I've come to help you with your game decision. I've got one in mind I think you'll like.
- The Nerd: Oh, yeah, yeah, that's just what I need. Thank you. Thank you very much. How about you just get the hell out of here before I smash your circuits all over the floor?
- Charlie: Why don't you take a look at the game first?
- The Nerd: Oh yeah. Charlie's Angels: the Movie the game. I heard that one's some grade-A ass!
- Charlie: Indeed it is, Nerd, but you'll only find out if you play. Now play it.
- The Nerd: Okay. All right, so somebody comes and makes me play a game. Freddy, Jason, Bugs Bunny, a speaker phone? I mean, this is an all-time low. We're reachin' here! And you know where. What do you think I do all day? Just sit around and play shitty games?
- The Nerd: It's finally happened. For years I've been calling games ass. But here is a game that's literally ASS!
- Charlie: I'm really sorry Nerd. I thought you would've loved a game that was ass.
- The Nerd: And why would I love that?
- Charlie: Because... you're a pieceashit!
Star Wars: Masters of Teras Kasi
[The Nerd is looking through a 'Star Wars' encyclopedia]
- The Nerd: What? JIZZ!? 'A popular style of freeform, wailing music' Jizz! Yeah, there is 'jizz' in this book. (flips to another page) Jizz-wailer!? 'A musician who plays a fast, contemporary, and upbeat style of music.' Jizz-wailer! It's in Star Wars!
- The Nerd: Let's learn some motherfucking math! On the move!
- The Nerd: [on the game's oversized box] Your MOM has an oversized box!
- (Following the montage of interruptions by the Photo Guy)
- The Nerd: LEAVE ME ALONE! LET ME PLAY THE GAME!
- Mr. Rigs: That's right, Nerd! Don't take shit from nobody! Only give shits and while you're at it, get some clothes that fit.
- The Nerd's Shit: Yes, it's a little on the baggy side.
- The Nerd: Hey! I don't need any advice from you or the shit talking shit.
- The Nerd: While the movie was Dirty Harry, the game... was just straight-up filthy.
- The Nerd: (at the title screen) It opens with the classic line from Sudden Impact.
- Harry Callahan: Go ahead. Make my day.
- The Nerd: This game is yet another one of those "Where the fuck do I go?" kind of games. I ran around for 20 minutes like a chicken with its head cut off and barely accomplished anything.
- The Nerd: I know what you're thinking, did he fire six shots or only five? Well to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I... kind of lost track myself. But being this is a Konami Justifier, the most powerful light gun in the world, it would blow your label clean off. You gotta ask yourself one question. Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya? Punk?
Drake of the 99 Dragons
- The Nerd: (meditating to ethnic music) ... Oh, hey. I've just been meditating to summon the power of the Chosen One to give me the patience and the courage... to play today's game.
- The Nerd: This game is what you get if somebody ate every badass dual-pistol wielding, trench coat-wearing late '90s action movie cliché, then barfed it out, ate the barf, and then dumped their ass into a piss-and-shit-stained bus station toilet, and then they took that rancid concoction, and somehow printed Xbox discs made out of it! 99 Dragons, made out of 99 percent bullshit!
- The Nerd: But ooh boy, let me tell ya, I haven't even started playing yet, so let's pick up the Duke here, this big-ass tank fuckin' controller, and let's get started. 'cuz it's gonna get fucked...
- The Nerd: I understand the game was developed under a very short time, but somebody had to pop this in at least ONCE and say; "This controls like ass."
- The Nerd: (on the cutscenes) Oh, and the lips barely move, so I can never tell if they're actually talking, or it's some kind of inner monologue. (As he speaks, the Nerd's mouth is intentionally out of sync with his voice, parodying this.)
- (After having died, the Nerd spawns in a temple, where he has to wait for ten seconds before restarting.)
- Statue: "There's no cure for stupidity beyond death."
- The Nerd: Yeah, well, fuck you too, you fuckin' statues!
- The Nerd: (waiting for a platform to take Drake to the top of a building) O-oh, come on! I could build a sculpture of a horse takin' a shit, out of horse shit, in the time it takes to get up there!
- The Nerd: This is where the problems in the game REALLY mount up, and it just... builds inside you with all this RAGE, and you become... just BOILING SO FUCKIN' HOT! It's not like you're in Hell; you've become Hell! Bad people die, and they go into you!
- The Nerd: (fighting a boss) And before I know it, I'm dead! What the fuuucck?!
- The Nerd: So you defeat the boss, you rescue your master, and now you gotta go down into the subway, and... (gets hit by a train and dies) HAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!! WHAT THE FUCK?! Thi-I-I-I-I can't fuckin' stand this. I-I would cheat, but, they didn't even program cheat codes! But how could they, if they can't even program a fuckin game?! (stammers and briefly meditates)
Tomb Raider Games
- The Nerd: Oh, and have you ever noticed the Angelina Jolie Tomb Raider movies aren't called Tomb Raider? They're officially called Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life. What a mouthful. Did they just read the movie poster out loud? Might be why it took 15 years to get another feature film, which was simply called, Tomb Raider, unless the real title was supposed to be: Alicia Vikander is Lara Croft Tomb Raider March 16th Experience It In IMAX. But that's probably too much for a theater marquee, right?
Resident Evil Survivor
- The Nerd: This game is kicking the PlayStation while it's already down. Mainly in the balls.
- (after the Nerd appears in the intro to the original Resident Evil)
- The Nerd: You see that shit!? Well, I guess I gotta explain. The Umbrella Corporation, they moved in next door, set up a secret lab, and now there's monsters and stuff, and I dunno what to do! Well, I guess I'll pop in the disc, play some Resident Evil: Survivor, have a pint, and wait for all of this to blow over.
- The Nerd: So this guy's seen hangin' from a helicopter, he falls off and the copter crashes. Then that same helicopter shits another guy out. Seriously, look at this! The helicopter's on fire, and this dude just shoots out like a turd with an explosive fart behind it!
Super Hydlide and Virtual Hydlide
- The Nerd: Eight years ago, I played the first Hydlide. Since then, I've gotten a lot of requests to review the other Hydlide games. The other Hydlide games? Because the first one was so good, you've gotta have more, no, sequels to games that already sucked Donkey Kong dong, that I can't stand! I can't stand the sound of it! Hydlide! HYDLIDE! (vomits both sequels)
- The Nerd: Imagine living in this world: you're late for work, so you skip breakfast, and then two hours later, you're in the middle of a meeting, and ya drop fuckin' DEAD in front all your coworkers! Nothin' left but a withered husk. Tragic.
- The Nerd: "It does seem fitting to construe carelessly made shoddy goods as bullshit, but in what way? Is the resemblance that bullshit, itself, is invariably produced in a careless or self-indulgent manner that is never finely crafted? The word 'shit' does suggest this. Excrement is not designed or crafted at all. It is merely emitted (or dumped)." So, while the game did not actually come out of somebody's asshole, it sure CAME OUT in the same manner!
- The Nerd: Thankfully, Virtual Hydlide is over. The credits play, and ya get the List of Shame, set to some shitty stock JPEGs of the countryside. You wasted precious hours of your life, to give yourself eyestrain and motion sickness, and all you get is a fucking "Congratulations!" screen. Well, at least they spelled it right. Anyway, Virtual Hydlide is literally "Bullshit". Oh, that's right; where'd I throw the book? Ah, well... whatever. I don't have anything planned anyway, so... (scrolls up like a cel sheet, revealing a "Conglaturation!!!" message)
- The Nerd: [unable to play the CD³²] Oh, that's perfect. I have to hold the disc hatch down just to get the game to spin. What, did I really expect this thing to work? I don't even want to play this piece of fuck to begin with, let alone one-handed, holding the thing down to get it to function.
- The Nerd: [playing Dangerous Streets] Right off the bat, this is possibly the worst group of fighting game characters I've ever seen. Lookin' back at Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat, each game had a group of memorable characters, like: Ryu, Guile, Scorpion, Liu Kang! This game has Futuristic Tommy Wiseau, Asscheek Lady, Spring Shoe Guy, Fat Guy with His Pants Undone, and a Native American guy TAKIN' A SHIT! And, there's this guy who was "born in Pennsylvania"... which just confuses the shit outta me.
- The Nerd: [playing Gloom] You collect bouncing balls for guns, and baby bottles for health! What is this, like a spoof?! Like PO'ed? Yeah, the game where you're shooting butts! But, that was done on purpose, as a parody! This one, it's just a fuckin' watered-down piece of shit Doom knockoff!
- The Nerd: [playing Bubba 'n Stix] The gameplay is kinda like a puzzle platformer, where you have to use Stix to get past obstacles, like using him to pry this rock up, or sticking him into the wall to use as a platform. This part right here is pretty funny. You have to get close to these weird guys without interrupting their conversation, and then throw Stix, the character, at them. The graphics are really nice, too. It's cartoony and colorful, but not like the rainbow vomit from Oscar. This is actually a good game. At least, until I get to the second level and I can't figure out what to do. And, I don't have the time to figure it out, so...oh, well, I guess we gotta move on. But, I can give this one the Nerd stamp of not shit!
- James D. Rolfe: [receiving a call from the Nerd about a scene from the Surf Ninjas game] This is Cinemassacre Video, where selection is the name of the game. This is James speaking. How may I help you?
- The Nerd: Yeah, okay, I just wanna ask you a quick question.
- James D. Rolfe: Sure thing. Go right ahead.
- The Nerd: Have you ever watched the movie, Surf Ninjas?
- James D. Rolfe: Yeah. In fact, I just had a chat with a bunch of friends all about that. Did you know that the costume designer was the same in Street Fighter: The Movie? That would explain all the blue camouflage--
- The Nerd: Okay, okay. Look-look-look-look. I just wanna ask a fucking question. In the movie, Surf Ninjas, does anybody rip someone's heart out, Kano-style?
- James D. Rolfe: Um... no, I don't think that happened in the movie.
- The Nerd: [hangs up abruptly] See? I knew it.
- James D. Rolfe: Hello? Hello? [sighs and hangs up phone; annoyed] Wow. What an asshole.
The Town With No Name
- The Nerd: [after he beats The Town With No Name] Well, that's it. And the good news is I never have to play the Amiga CD³² ever again, and just to make sure this time, I'm sending this thing back to the depths of Hell!
- [Nerd picks up the SNES Super Scope and Sega Menacer, and starts firing on the Amiga CD³² like crazy, then he puts them down and starts firing hadoukens etc.]
- The Nerd: You know what? Fuck this digital shit. Because, this thing needs to be destroyed for real. I'm not jokin' around; I'm goin' practical. I'm gonna do the real fuckin' deal.
- [in the backyard, The Nerd puts the soon-to-be-dead Amiga CD³² on the table, brings a Boring Company flamethrower and fires at the console]
- The Nerd: HOW'S THAT FOR PRACTICAL?! [the battery inside the Amiga CD³² explodes] YEAH! BURN, BABY, BURN! YEEEAAAHHHH!!! [Amiga CD³² melts down slowly] WHEW, BOY! YE-HE-HE-HE-HEAAAH!!!
- The Nerd: (looking down at a box of pizza delivered by Macaulay Culkin as a pizza delivery boy) What's this?
- Pizza Boy: A lovely cheese pizza; just for you.
- The Nerd: You got the wrong house; I didn't order any pizza. But I'll take it anyway.
- (He opens the pizza box to find Home Alone games on different consoles.)
- The Nerd: Oh, not funny.
- Pizza Boy: Think of it as a gift; you owe it to yourself to play those games. I hear they're awesome.
- The Nerd: No, they're not! Besides... I already reviewed both NES games: that first one where you're laying traps around the house that are enclosed in square tiles for no reason, where you're walkin' up the stairs like you took a dump, and that second one where you're running through the hotel, slidin' on your knees, fighting mops, vacuum cleaners and suitcases, and a chef that takes off his clothes. I'm already done with that, so get this shit out of here! And you better believe I'm leavin' a bad Yelp review.
- Pizza Boy: That's just the NES versions; maybe the rest of them are better. I mean, look at how many of them there are, I mean, they can't all be bad... can they?
- The Nerd: I admit I haven't played the rest. Have you?
- Pizza Boy: No, but they all have Macaulay Culkin in them. I mean, how could you go wrong?
- The Nerd: Well, maybe if they're not as bad as the NES games...
- Pizza Boy: Come on. Everyone in the world shits on these games, and maybe you could change the world's mind. I mean, come on.
- The Nerd: Okay, fine! But you're not going anywhere! You're gonna sit right here and suffer with me!
- The Nerd: (covering the PS2 Home Alone game) The biggest anomaly of the group is definitely the PS2 version. It was only released in Europe in 2006. Yeah, a while after the movie!
- Pizza Boy: Yeah, but that movie is just timeless.
- The Nerd: It is, but this game, by all known laws of physics in the universe, has no right to exist! The mere idea would baffle the greatest scientific minds of our time. (holding the case) Besides, the style is completely different: it doesn't look anything like the movies, looks nothing like Macaulay Culkin, I don't even know why we're talking about it, so let's just pretend it doesn't exist.
- The Nerd: (playing the SNES Home Alone game) The object of is to run around the house, collecting valuable items to hide from the criminals. You can only hold a certain amount. When your hands are full, you have to drop them down a laundry chute which leads into a giant vault in the basement! Or Goro's lair, or whatever the hell this is.
- Pizza Boy: Look, I know the movie was a long time ago and stuff, but I don't remember Kevin gathering together... candlesticks, money bags and giant emerald rings, and then, throwing them down a laundry chute? But what do I know?
- The Nerd: The items are found in the most random places, (sees Kevin fish a whole pizza out of a toilet) like in a... toilet?! Wh-- I found an entire goddamn pizza! In a toilet!
- Pizza Boy: (disgusted) Kevin would never grab anything out of a toilet...
- The Nerd: (equally disgusted) Augh! Yeah, not even a pizza. I'm sure of it.
- Pizza Boy: Yeah... Yeah... I mean, maybe I would have. You know, back in my... heady days.
- The Nerd: You would have grabbed something out of a toilet?
- Pizza Boy: Yeah.
- The Nerd: Pizza?
- Pizza Boy: You've never had toilet pizza?
- The Nerd: Yeah.
- Pizza Boy: Yeah.
- The Nerd: Pizza shit.
- Pizza Boy: Did they really think I grew up in a house where giant frogs roam free in the hall? "Yeah, we just had those suckers hoppin' all around, all the time! Mr. Frog House!" I've never had to collect 35 pets, drop them down a laundry chute, and into a bank vault! Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of asshole does this game think I am?! I can't believe they'd get away with this... I mean... you go to the store and... you see your face on a cartridge, and go like "I wanna play with myself, all day long!"Every kid deserves a video game based on themselves, am I right? But no. No, they shat on me! They shat on my legacy! (begins crying) What am I gonna do?!
- The Nerd: Wait a minute... You're not a real pizza boy! (rips of name tag) You're... M-- M-- Maculkin! I'm playin' Home Alone games... ...with Macaulay Culkin!!! (screams a la Kevin)
- Culkin: Really? Really... Never seen that before. That's-- that's new. Can we just get back to the fucking games?
- Culkin: (playing the SNES Home Alone 2 game) Why is the entire hotel trying to kill me? I mean-- they have a bunch of fuckin' bombs behind the check-in desks! I mean, do they hate their child customers so much that they have to lob lobby bombs at them? And yes, that was pretty hard to say!
- Culkin: (while battling Harry and Marv at the tree) Y'know, once I had to fight a demonic tree... It was terrible... I don't know how the game developers found that out.
- The Nerd: "Demonic evil tree"? They-- They exist? And this... this happened to you? Do you remember, like, what... ...um, how did it... happen? Li-- what...
- Culkin: It was a long time ago.
- The Nerd: I know, I know, it's--
- Culkin: DON'T TOUCH ME!
- The Nerd: (playing Home Alone 2 for Genesis) Well, this is off to a frustrating start. Why is everyone in the entire airport tryna kill you? What did Kevin do to instigate all this?
- Culkin: I mean, maybe because they had me pelting innocent businessmen with baseballs? "Here comes Kevin McAllister; he gives 'em a big ol' concussion with a fuckin' baseball!" Right to the dome, look at that! Bam! I'm shooting a poor balloon salesman... and stealing his balloons to get past the TSA. They're making me a fuggin' asshole!
- The Nerd: At least you get to see Kevin take out airport security with a water fountain. And then they all just fall through the floor, while Kevin looks at you like, "What the fuck?"
- Culkin: This game is like... poop! From a... a buffalo butt!
- The Nerd: Diarrhea, it's gotta be diarrhea! Just go for it!
- Culkin: Okay! I got it...! I would rather do a human centipede with the Wet Bandits! Marv in my mouth, HARRY IN MY ASS! I'll turn them into the Sticky Bandits!
- The Nerd: (disgusted) Augh, dude! Augh!
- Culkin: No, think about it. Think about it. Close your eyes.
- The Nerd: Naw, I-- No I don't....
- Culkin: No....
- The Nerd: And that's from the web series that brought you "Shredder's my ass and Splinter's my balls!"
Chronologically Confused about Kingdom Hearts Timeline
Video Game Magazines
Aladdin Deck Enhancer (NES)
- The Nerd: Aladdin took an upper-decker in my toilet!
- The Nerd: (after he plays the same Micro Machines game, he sighs) The games are exactly the same. There's no difference! The deck enhancer is an add-on that adds nothing! They sold you the same games with some assembly required. It'll be like getting a new sprayer for your garden hose, but it doesn't fit, unless you get some special adapter. So you buy the adapter, but the sprayer still doesn't fit. So now, you have to find a completely different sprayer that only exists in special stores, and then you find out it works the same as the old sprayer, doing a no better job washing away the horseshit!
- The Nerd: That box is a prime example of false advertising. Upgrade your Ninfuckingtendo Entertainment System? More like UPPER DECKING IT! And that's not a joke. I mean it. It is the electronic equivalent of an upper-decker. With the Aladdin, the components that normally go inside an NES cartridge are instead deposited into the deck. In the same way, the turds, which are usually preferred to land in the toilet bowl, are instead dumped into the upper tank. Therefore when the toilet is flushed, the bowl fills with shit water, and after that, it's the shit that keeps on giving. Would you consider that an enhancement to your toilet? Well, give it a try, and you'll know EXACTLY what the Aladdin does to your NES! Why does the box say "Aladdin is the future in console gameplay"? The Sega Genesis and Super Nintendo were already out! That's like saying you invented a brand new car that's got new safety features, and uses clean energy, but it's got pillows tied to it and it runs on coal! This thing had no future at all! All the "Coming Soon" games were cancelled, and Camerica went out of business right after this thing was... released? (He weakenly laughs, then he shouts) They went out of business right after it was ANNOUNCED! (He stammers, then he picks up the box and gets hit by the instructions) I—it was a death sentence! A curse! A curse that shrouds its release status in all-consuming mystery! Not even the Gaming Historian found any clear proof that it ever got officially released. I mean, sure, it got made an—and discovered thanks to inventory liquidators and eBay, bu—but if this thing never officially came out, then not only did it not have any future... it didn't have any past, either! How am I supposed to take you back to the past, when there's no fucking past?! I have no business complaining about something that didn't even come out! I wasted my breath! Why did I have to find this thing?! Aahh, I might as well just be diggin' into the Devil's asshole! Fuck!
- (The Genie appears filled with sewage from a septic tank that previously came from the Nerd's second wish.)
- The Genie: Hey, I'm back.
- The Nerd: What are you doing back here?
- The Genie: Look, man, I'm just here to grant your last wish so I can get out of here.
- The Nerd: Oh, yeah, that's right. I get one more wish. Okay, well, for my last wish... I wish... you know, I think we've both suffered enough. Yeah, so... I wish... every Aladdin Deck Enhancer, on the whole planet Earth... will fucking explode.
- The Genie: You got it, dude! Smell ya later!
- The Nerd: (given the PS1 Pepsiman game) Well thanks Pepsiman, that's very interesting. But i have other junk food games like I could play, like Cool Spot. (Cool Spot is turned into Pepsiman) Oh, come on! Oh well, I could always play Chester Cheetah! (Chester Cheetah is turned into Pepsiman) Aw! Well how 'bout uh... Big Bumpin? (Big Bumpin' is turned into Pepsiman) Aw, man... How 'bout uh... Kool-Aid Man? (Kool-Aid Man is turned into Pepsiman) Goddammit, you silly fuck! I don't wanna play Pepsiman! (Pepsiman opens his mouth and hisses menacingly) Okay, Jeez! I'll play Pepsiman!
- The Nerd: Mm-Mm, that's enough for me, this game's too monotonous! [Gets up to leave]
- [Pepsiman grabs the Nerd and forces him back onto the couch]
- Pepsiman: [Hisses angrily]
- The Nerd: Oh, dude, DUDE! Your breath! It smells like tooth decay! Here, have some Mentos! [Produces a packet of Mentos]
- Pepsiman: [Screams and retreats]
- The Nerd: Wow! Um... that worked Thanks to Mentos!
- [Close-up of the Nerd with the Mentos logo]
- Announcer: Mentos! The Freshmaker!
- The Nerd: You know, Pepsiman is a rather sad tale. Pepsiman can make Pepsi for everybody... except himself.
- [Pepsiman hangs his head sadly]
- Singers: [Pitched down] #PEPSIMAAAAN!#
Superman 64 Returns!!
- The Nerd: Oh, no! They move!! Why do they have to move?! Ooh, wow! Yeah, they really change it up!
- The Nerd: Well, this is the ugliest digital Superman face I've ever seen! [a shot of Superman's face from Justice League, which was digitally edited to remove Henry Cavill's moustache] Second-ugliest.
- The Nerd: You wanna know the worst thing about those ring levels? Right when you're getting the hang of it, the game will glitch, and send you flying across the map - for no goddamn motherFUCKING reason! So y'have to backtrack or restart.
- The Nerd: If you get too far away, a Shadow Guy will spawn in front of her. And I am so sick of saying "Shadow Guy"!
- The Nerd: [after a weak boss battle] Again?
[cut to even more rings]
- The Nerd: [horrified] AGAIN?! [runs into the camera screaming]
- The Nerd: [after the final boss battle] Y'wanna know somethin' else that's a real kick in the ass? In recent years, a ROM of the game surfaced which was of the unreleased PlayStation version, and it actually looks... alright. The levels look unique, the bad guys look cooler, the controls... don't seem great, but it looks like they work! According to Tit-us, after all the changes they were forced to make for the Nintendo version, their license ran out and they couldn't release it. Instead we got this rancid anus tart of a game vomiting green rings in our face! [the antennae-gold cartridge of Superman 64 begins to zap the Superman eyes as the Nerd looks at it and dodges as he grunts and groans thoroughly. He takes out the N64 console and zaps heat vision, slowly heading for the good games.] NO-O-O-O-O!! Please, don't! Don't hurt the good, innocent games! [takes out the Superman 64 cartridge from the N64, barely saving the good games, and then he breaks the cartridge in plastic. He sighs and cries out in agony.]
Life of Black Tiger with Gilbert Gottfried
- Fred Fuchs: WHO THE FUCK GOES THERE? WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?! ANSWER ME, TOUGH GUY, OR I'LL BLAST A HOLE IN YOU SO BIG I CAN STICK MY COCK IN IT! (getting wistful) And I don't wanna brag, but...
- Fred Fuchs: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just a guy who built a computer in the jungle without electricity or internet. I'm not educated enough for the guy WHO TALKS ABOUT BUFFALO SHIT IN HIS BASEMENT!
- The Nerd: ...I guess that's a good point.
- Fred Fuchs: You might wanna be a bit nicer about the game, considering the fact THAT I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOTHERFUCKING RIFLE!!!
- The Nerd: "Survive 'till the fixed time"... What, were you fucking stoned when you wrote this?
- Fred Fuchs: Yes.
- The Nerd: Thought so.
- Fred Fuchs: Sometimes, you just gotta run like Hell from your problems.
- Fred Fuchs: It's an artistic interpretation of jungle life, you uncultured swine! I'm a goddamn artist, and this is my masterpiece! Obviously, too artsy-fartsy for your plebeian palate!
- The Nerd: Aren't you doused in urine?
- Fred Fuchs: From head to toe.
- The Nerd: I really need to go food shopping somewhere besides eBay.
- The Nerd: Seems the game developers enjoyed working on this, and adding their own flavor! To a game... about a cereal... with no flavor.
- The Nerd: Yes, I'm sorry I didn't have more negative to say, I was really tryin' here, um... I know I haven't filled my curse quota for this episode, so... fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.
- The Nerd: BRUTAL CHEX! It's Chex... on steroids! ILLEEEGAL steroids! Made from broken glass, rusty fuckin' nails, and whole grain rice. This cereal will start your day... if it doesn't end your life! Fortified with calcium from the bones of fallen angel wings! The only cereal eaten by both God and Satan! It's a straight kick to your Muddy Buddies - and Brutal Chex turns your milk RED, FROM YOUR OWN BLOOD POURING OUT OF YOUR FUCKING SCREAMING MOOOOOOOUTH! (50 free hours of America Online included.)
Jurassic Park: Trespasser
- [episode opens on magazine pages about The Immortal, along with the box and manual pages. Pan up, Nerd's hand slides the cartridge out of the shelf. He walks over to the floor, lifts the carpet to reveal a secret door, and opens it. The AVGN title card is shown, accompanied by the "The Immortal" title with blood splatter and malicious laughter.]
- [A dark dungeon, decorated with skulls and dangling chains. The Nerd appears, wrapped in a cloak and holding the cartridge.]
- The Nerd: Anguish. Lament. Oh, how hath ye been cursed if thou hath playeth a game as archaically, diarrhetically shit-holic as The Immortal on thy NES. Whence I came, my basement chamber above, where I desprayed such demeaning, failed electronic attempts at merriment, but when they're as loathly as thee, it is but I who has thus sworn to suffer as I descend deeper into the catacombs, a place where true shit goes to lie face-first down in smoldering decay; a place where sorrows exceed the souls, and vanquished beings meet their fate. Medieval torture, man; The head-crusher, the rack, the pendulum, the iron maiden, but none as dreadful as this. Behold.
- [the game's demo is already playing on a small monitor. The Nerd walks over to it.]
- The Nerd: Reset, and here we go, the plight begins. Feast your eyes on this accursed nonsense. So, as soon as the game begins, it gives you a warning: "It might be a good idea to move." Hmm. And it kills you. Right away, they pull something like that. At least, they warned you. But it might as well warn you the moment you put this game in, you're doomed... with life. So let's try it again. Into the next room. [3 seconds later] A-and look at that! They put that right there, right outside the door? Ohhh, one-hit death traps. That's real classy. Let's reset. Okay, here we go. Uh. So, this isometric angle definitely makes things a little difficult. When you're just moving the D-pad all over the place, it kind of just, you know, it's just a guessing game of which direction to push.
- And here we go, you fight the goblin, and it goes into this battle mode, and, to tell you the truth, in the dark ages of 8-bit entertainment, these graphics are a marvelous sight to laud. But, if thine playeth oneself, you shall hear upon cry the tears of despair and agony as thou realize thou caught in an eternal button-masher. Yeah, that's all you do; is just mash buttons. And the thing is, you have a fire attack. I mean, look at this, you can shoot fireballs, but that doesn't work against the goblins. But you talk to this guy here, and, um...yada-yada, forgive my haste. The important thing to know: he gave me a key. And then, I move on to the treasure chest, I use the key...to open the treasure, and I get...20 gold pieces. A bag of bait, and a sack of bad-smelling spores. Hmm. Well, we all know what this game's a bad-smelling sack of. So into the next room. Uh. As you can see, going diagonal is kinda tough. I'm gonna use the bait on this goblins. Let's just see what happens here. Do it? Yes, of course.
- [the bait summons a worm that eats the character]
- The Nerd: [shocked gasp] It kills you! Look, even the items kill you! Wow! Now that is a cheap shot. Alright, let's try again. Into the next room, and...dodge the fireballs-- I mean, not, the arrows...and whatever it throws your way. This game throws everything but the kitchen sink-- A-A-And look! Invisible pits?! Confound it all! Ohhh, I beg of you, have pity! Oh, wow, that's a good one. That's classic. Oh, boy. And the thing about this game is the familiar premise of controlling a wizard navigating through a labyrinth of dungeon cells brings to mind similar games like Gauntlet, or the obvious [The Legend of] Zelda. [chuckles darkly] But those examples only conjure up thy false jolly hopes. As thou seen in my lair above, the artwork in the Nintendo Power magazine and in the instruction manual look divine, but nay, it is but filth. The game is naught of all that is goodly, plagued with visuals cursing the eyes of ye of ill mortals to witness. The shades and hues hereupon are like the bile of a dying bear that consumed only skunks, smeared with the milk of a witch's tits, fused with garlic, and drew a dump. Yeah. And there's another goblin. Ugh, it's so repetitive, you just mash those buttons. Like a disorderly arfarfanarf. I'd rather be bescumbered with dysentery. That's worse than diarrhea because it includes blood and mucus. I'm sorry, that's disgusting, but so is this!
- [a goblin appears behind the Nerd and roars. The Nerd yells in shock, runs to grab a cane from the floor and begins fighting the goblin The Immortal-style.]
- The Nerd: Curse you, foul, abhorrent beast! [defeats the goblin, who drops to the floor.] Eureka! A key! [grabs the key from behind the goblin and discovers a door.] Yonder I shall go, as I proceed in my journey to further experience the tragedy of The Immortal. Why must it be I, cursed by the gaming gods, to endure this vomitorium? [unlocks the door.] Yeah, "vomitorium". Yeah, that, that's an interesting word. It means, or it was thought to have meant a place where the ancient Romans would all vomit during feasts to make room for more food, but that's just a misconception. It actually means a large colosseum passage that large crowds can exit through rapidly. Such as large crowds of vomit particles rapidly exiting a mouth, gaping in misery over a foul, wretched video game! Anyway, The Immortal. Let's go.
- [the Nerd walks through the door and discovers a group of skeletons.]
- The Nerd: Death. It is all death here. It began as a gamer's revelry. Those making merry, to open the game on birthdays and holidays with the flames of excitement and adventure in their eyes, but as the agonizing torment set in, as the game mercilessly chastised and dominated them, the instinct to survive faded as the flames in their eyes diminished, and one by one, the revelers all dropped to their knees. Challenge is one thing, but in this game, every step can be deadly; Arrows, flames, giant worms, and there's bats that blend with the dark backgrounds. I mean, how can you avoid something which you cannot see? Trap doors are everywhere, which is a cheap shot, no question about it. I mean, can, can I walk here, or will the floor swallow me? I mean, you'll never know. There's no strategy; no reward for skill. Thou must play it repeatedly to memorize where the pits are. These invisible pits are nothing but a cheap, mean-spirited beginner's trap meant to elicit false and ill-earned replay value.
- The Nerd: And also, if you touch anything, you die. Step on the wrong floor tile, you die. Y-Y-Y-Y-Y-- You search the same spot more than once, you die. You approach a ladder or try to climb down a hole from the wrong side, you die. You stand still for too long, you die. You see some tiny little pixel that might be something you can pick up? Nay! Chances are it is but death! In other words, bullshit of the lowest standard. And as mentioned, even thine inventory kills you. When you can't even trust the items, what can you do? Your character is vulnerable to everything, and for a game called The Immortal, it begs the question: Who is The Immortal? Because it's certainly not the main character.
- The Nerd: At one point, in the very first level, you get an amulet, which has an incantation on it. You're given the chance to read it, but if you pick "Yes", you die. However, the amulet is required to beat the level, so don't read that! But I repeat, the item, that is required to beat the level, can also kill you! How could you make a game in the year of 1990 following a wealth of other games and ignore all that was done previously right? What art thou thinking? This was made by Electronic Arts? More like Electronic FAAAAAAARTS!
- [the Nerd drops down to the floor and rests near a stone.]
- The Nerd: Ugh. And, just-- Oh, for...fucking hell, this forsaken dungeon. And if you thought this torture couldn't get any worse, it does, by enlightening you on how the game could have been better. It was originally made for PCs, like the Apple IIGS, the Amiga, the Atari ST and Sega Genesis. And it's no surprise the Genesis version is better, but all of them had much cleaner graphics. I mean, they're bright and they look more crisp, and plus, the other versions, especially the Genesis, had gore! Yeah! Fatalities, years before Mortal Kombat. Heads get sliced off, and, look at that, bodies get cut in half vertically, heads explode. I mean, this is-- this game had balls, but it was neutered on the NES. And wouldn't you think the NES, the flagship of all nostalgic video game consoles, would be home to an acceptable version of this? It was a good game. It was a good game. It even-- It even had gore! And-- And I was just playing a bad version all along on the NES. Ugh. [sobs angrily] Why? Why?! Ugh!
- The Nerd: Ohh, I-- I can't take it anymore! I thought I knew shit, but nothing could prepare me for this repulsive dung heap! It's a repetitive task, going through the same motions, only to progress one inch closer to the goal. It taunts you; The game knows. It allows you to get one step slightly further. It's like running a hundred-meter dash, but with a bungee cord attached. As soon as you make it near the finish line, it yanks you back. It's a journey so far travelled, yet barely have you gone forward.
- The Nerd: And however, if you do make it to the end by some miracle, you have to face a dragon. That's right, it always ends with a dragon. So with this dragon, you're powerless to fight him; you can only use defensive maneuvers. So what you need to do here...is dodge...six of the, the fire breaths with six blink spells. Now, you only have six blink spells, so if you miss one, then you're done; you have to start over. And this dragon, sometimes it shoots the fire right away, other times it leans back and, like, fakes you out. So, you have to memorize the pattern. And that's not all. There's a seventh breath where you have to use the fire protection spell, and again, it's all at a very specific time. If you miss it, it's over. And that's what sums up this game: just memorizing patterns, and knowing which items to use in which order, i-it's all cryptic trial of error. Just like Dragon's Lair.
- The Nerd: Ohh, The Immortal will live on forever as a sadistic, demented electronic mechanism of human suffering. Ohh! Some masochistic alchemist invented this concoction of death traps, awkward combat, stiff controls, items that kill you, constantly dying and starting over. It only leaves you with frustration, anger, sadness and crippling disappointment, emotions that belong nowhere near video games. And when the manual's more fun to read than playing the actual game, you know you're in trouble. I long for a time when I knew not what this game was. I long for the Big Rigs, the LJNs, the Fred Fuchs of yesteryear! I rue the day I ever became trapped in The Immortal, a game where I've stared at the same room so long, the pixelated walls have become my eternal home! I RUE THE DAY I WAS BORN UPON THIS EARTH WHICH HAD SPAWNED SUCH PRIMORDIAL, PUTRID ENGINEERS CAPABLE OF CREATING SOMETHING SO APOCALYPTICALLY HORRID! [puts his hands on his chest and moans] NEVER SHALL I TOUCH A GAME LIKE THIS AGAIN! I'd rather have a warlord...SHOVE A MORNINGSTAR UP MY ASS! [a light comes on from off screen] Ah. The light. I must escape. This way.
- [the Nerd walks away from the wall, and into a cave, where he comes face to face with a growling dragon.]
- The Nerd: Oh! [ducks] Oh, good lord! [ducks] Ah! Ah! Begone, vile fiend! [ducks] Ahh! Oh, my-- It's futile. I can't win. Smite me, you will. Incinerate me! Banish me to Hell if you wish! If Hell is the way out, then Hell it shall be! AAAAH!
- [the Nerd falls to the dragon's fire. The dragon flows off screen.]
The Legend of Zelda: Majora’s Mask
Mortal Kombat 1 Ports
Mortal Kombat Rip-Offs
Dennis the Menace
The Incredible Crash Dummies
Bad Final Fight Games
Ecco the Dolphin
The Legend of Kage
The Simpsons: Bartman Meets Radioactive Man
Shrek: Fairy Tale Freakdown
- The Nerd: You're gonna kill me? Because I don't like Shrek? It's a shitty 20-year-old movie! You people are crazy! I don't believe any of this!
Fear and Loathing in Vegas Stakes
3DO Interactive Player
Sega Game Gear VHS Tapes
Pac-Man 2: The New Adventures
Greendog: The Beached Surfer Dude
Freddy and Jason Commodore 64
LJN Games Part One (Movie Games)
- The Nerd: How can I do this? How can I live up to the massive duty that has fallen upon me? My destiny has emerged and the ultimate reckoning has drawn near! I must not fail. I must look the demon in the face! (the devil shows up) Not you, you piece of shit! I'm talking this. (picks up the document) This piece of paper is what will propel me into my final encounter with my arch nemesis! The unholy of asses, the shit from the pit, the nightmare in six colors, the rainbow of death, the Laughing Joking Numbnuts, L... J... N!
- The Nerd: I'm about to embark on a mission to come to terms with LJN once and for all. As you can see here on my wall of LJN kills, I've already eliminated several of these foul, catastrophic fuck nuggets. But now's the time to take care of the rest, and this document here was sent to me from LJN. (thinks) They're still around? Well, not exactly. It's complicated. So, before I tell you what's at stake here, let's go into a little background.
- The Nerd: First of all, who are and who were LJN? We all know their distinct brand of games the same way you recognize the specific smell of your dog's farts. You take one ghastly whiff, and you know exactly where it came from. From your dog's anus. But LJN was like the master of disguise. As a kid, when I rented these games from the video store say Back to the Future or Roger Rabbit, nothing seemed immediately wrong. The graphics usually seemed nice, and they all had a playability factor. But the further you go, the worst it would get. Like in the final stage of Back to the Future when you're driving the DeLorean, if you lose, you start back at the beginning of the game! No matter how many continues you have! What bullshit! The NES library had plenty worst games by other publishers, so LJN was definitely not the bottom of the turd totem pole. But that made their crimes even more detestable because they tricked you into thinking the games were good. Especially when so many of them were based on well-known franchises. With other shitty games, you wouldn't waste as much of your time. You realize it's shitty right away right away and turn it off. But LJN had that sneaky style to rope you in. But even though they had a distinct brand, their games were actually made by several different development companies, so LJN was only a publisher. In a sense, they were the colon and the developers were the anus. The companies, just to name a few, were Beam Software, Atlus, and the one that developed perhaps the worst one, Bill & Ted, was called Rocket Science. Wow, damn, I'm glad they didn't actually go into rocket science. The one that's the most shocking to know of is Rare who made Beetlejuice, Nightmare on Elm Street, and a few others. They're probably better known for non-LJN games like Battletoads, and would eventually have a partnership with Nintendo on Killer Instinct and Donkey Kong Country. I would have never guessed such awesome games came from a company that had anything to do with LJN! So even though LJN was the publisher, their games are still called "LJN games" in the same way that the 2014 Ninja Turtles movie was called "A Michael Bay Movie", even though he produced it and did not direct. But to answer the question who exactly were LJN, we'd have to trace it all the way back to its founder, a guy named Jack Friedman. He started LJN as a toy company in 1970, and I've heard he named it after his employer, Norman J. Lewis, reversing his initials to LJN. That was until it officially became Laughing Joking Numbnuts. At first, LJN only made toys, before branching into video games. In the 80's, I remember playing these toys, like the wrestling figures. So, I had nothing but positive memories there. Guess they should've stuck with toys. So anyway, in '85, MCA bought LJN, but then in '90 sold it to Acclaim, who in '95, dissolved LJN even though they used the name once again in 2000. As for Jack Friedman, in '90, he formed Toy Headquarters (THQ), eventually leaving and forming Jakks Pacific. And sad to say, Jack passed away in 2010. Rest in peace.
- The Nerd: So, basically, the rights to LJN have been all over the place and lately have existed in sort of a phantom limbo. But this document, from the current owners certifies me as the sole inheritance of the name LJN!
- (The Nerd looks at his certification which makes him the owner of LJN. It was signed by Fred Fucks on December 1, 2021.)
- The Nerd: (sighs) How could this happen to me? (throws certificate) With great power, comes great responsibility! And with me, as the head of LJN, I will UNDO the wrongs of the past, and prove that there is gold at the end of this rainbow!
- (The Nerd walks to his Commodore 64.)
- The Nerd: I'll be doing the remakes of the LJN game library that starts with Back to the Future that used the same limitations they had back then. Except this time, it'll be done right. So... (he types on the keyboard) let me introduce you to my game designer, Sam. How you doing, Sam?
- Sam Beddoes: (appears on the screen) Hey, Nerd, I'm doing great. I'm really excited to be working on this. What are you calling me from?
- The Nerd: It's, uh, Commodore 64.
- Sam Beddoes: How does that eve... It's very important. Listen, Universal has a strict deadline on this, so it has to be ready in time for the Christmas shopping season.
- The Nerd: So, um, the actors, the likenesses, the music. Do we have, you know, everything signed off?
- Sam Beddoes: Uh... Yeah, I'm working on it, but it's almost there.
- The Nerd: So, we want this to be more of a fun action experience. You know, racing around on a skateboard, lots of enemies, characters from the movies.
- Sam Beddoes: Ah, sounds good. I'll get to work and report back soon.
- The Nerd: Thanks, Sam. (turns off his Commodore 64) That new game's gonna be good. Better be.
- The Nerd: While he's working on that, I'm gonna get down to business and review the rest of the LJN library. It's like cleaning the cat piss stain on the back of the box litter. One of these days, you're just gonna have to do it. But how many games are we exactly talking about here?
- (shows two pieces of shits; one labeled as "Genesis" and one labeled as “Dreamcast”, implying that the LJN brand appeared on those consoles at one point.)
- The Nerd: The LJN stamp appeared primarily on three consoles; the NES, Game Boy, and Super Nintendo. With a few lone shit nuggets. For reviewing purposes, I'll be grouping them into categories; Movie-based games, sports games, Marvel games, wrestling games, and miscellaneous. In total, I've counted 67 games to the best of my research, including one game console, the LJN Video Art, which thankfully, I've already covered.
- The Nerd from LJN Video Art review: The joystick moves the cursor about. To draw, or, should I say to scribble around like a blind golden lion Tamarin on speed, you press down the button. And when you're pushing down the button and rocking the joystick around like this, it squeaks! (the joystick squeaks gratingly) Oh! (groans) That's awful!
- The Nerd: Yeah, that thing sucked. But anyway, the criteria is that every game must have the LJN logo on the box or the cartridge with the exception of two that have LJN only on the copyright screen. These are just gonna be samplings, every LJN game will be shown, and after I've finally acknowledged them all, I can move on with my life. (goes to the futon and sits down) First, let's talk about the movie-based games. Now, fortunately, I've already covered most of them. Ahh, memories. Cue mandatory milestone episode number flashback sequence.
- The Nerd: (on Terminator 2 Arcade on Game Boy) Oh, but they also made the Game Boy version of Terminator 2 arcade, which I said very little, but that's because there's nothing to say. Look at it! (the gameplay footage is shown) If I heard that, I'd think it was an Atari game. What's the point of taking an arcade and watering it down to Game Boy? I guess you can take it on the school bus, to the mall, to the arcade. Then there's Beetlejuice on NES.
- The Nerd: (on Beetlejuice on Game Boy) But I didn't talk about Beetlejuice on Game Boy based on the cartoon. Uh-oh, the ghost got in the washing machine! They're fucking shit up! Gotta fight the clothes and the sheet ghost! Which is, um, a sheet with a ghost inside? So that's the main goal. You have to fight all the ghosts, which is the opposite of what Beetlejuice normally does. Doesn't he haunt a house? Not un-haunt it? What's next, are the Ghostbusters the ones letting the ghosts in? There's a bunch of crappy minigames. Here the idea is, who can make the freakiest face? By tapping directions on the D-pad. That’s a new one. Then there’s a game where you connect pipes. Wow, does this look like fun? No, it isn't. Even Mario and Luigi, who were plumbers, never had to bother with this type of shit! But the worst, is the stairs. At random, they'll flatten, and send you sliding back down! Motherfuckers. And it keeps happening, over and over, with no pattern or predictability! (Beetlejuice dies from an enemy) Agh! You fuck!
- The Nerd: (on Bill & Ted's Excellent Game Boy Adventure) But if you want more fun, you should try out Bill & Ted on Game Boy! Even though I'm trying to be sarcastic, it actually is more fun. Though very basic. It’s sort of an old school arcade style thing, where you just go around collecting orbs and dodging a bunch of Abe Lincolns. There’s almost nothing to say, but in this case, that's a good thing. Because this is such a sharp contrast to the NES version. I can’t think of any other example where a Game Boy version is far superior!
- The Nerd: (on Alien 3 on Game Boy and Super Nintendo) But wait, there's more! Alien 3 on Game Boy turns Ripley into a stick figure, or, maybe it's an alien, I don't know. So all I did in this game was walk around like an idiot. There's ladders everywhere, but you can't go up any. Found some alien eggs. Touched 'em, and died. Lots of people walkin' around. Can't talk to them or anything. No hints! No direction! No map! This belongs to a certain genre. Strategy guide seller games. But Alien 3 fared a little better on the Super Nintendo. The graphics are good, the music is tense, and the control is smooth. You have a variety of weapons. You can select different missions like, save prisoners or destroy alien eggs. Though the enemies come a little too often. I wish there was a map. Somethin' like Super Metroid would've helped. There’s a blueprint system that you find on the wall but any time you’re lost, you have to make it back over there. Kinda like stopping at a gas station before GPS was invented. The best part is the Game Over voice...
- Private Hudson (voiceover): Game over, man!
- The Nerd: ...which was from Aliens, not Alien 3. But who cares.
- The Nerd: Well, here's one that I missed in my Arnold Schwarzenegger Games episode, True Lies. It’s one of my favorites of his. Not just for the action, but also the humor. The game retains some of that humor. Like when you shoot an innocent civilian, your assistant, the Tom Arnold character, gives you shit about it. Also, when you die, he says things like, "You only have one life left!”, as if he’s witnessing you die and resurrect. But wait, what do you do if a civilian is blocking the path? (Harry tries going through the door, but a server is blocking him) He won't move! (The Nerd presses the button to shoot the server blocking Harry, and his assistant complains about it) But when you fail, this happens! (Harry dies. An explosion sound is heard in-game, and a picture of a mushroom cloud is shown.) Now that's what you call a Game Over. It really does emphasize the magnitude of the defeat. BOOM! YOU'RE DEAD, MOTHERFUCKER! Unfortunately, the game is very monotonous. Even though the scene changes from the mansion, the mall, the park, it’s all the same, top down, run around and shoot crap. When you think of the movie, you remember the bathroom fight, the horse on the roof chase, the bridge scene, the Jamie Lee Curtis strip dance. I wonder how that would've worked. It does have the plane finale, but it’s just an automatic cutscene. Oh, and of course, there had to be a Game Boy version. Here, Arnold looks like a pill from Dr. Mario with a gun. It’s the same thing. Shoot bad guys, but avoid civilians. And anytime you shoot, you’re guaranteed to get shot back. It’s better to just walk past them. All in all, it's the same as the Super Nintendo version, just shittier.
- (Footage from the movie "True Lies" is shown)
- Harry: You're fired.
- (Harry shoots the "True Lies" Game Boy cartridge at a helicopter. It explodes into pieces)
- The Nerd: LJN even made games based on movies you might not remember like Warlock. The graphics and animation are pretty nice. The gameplay is basic enough. Run to the right, blast everything in sight. It’s fine for a bit until you realize how resilient these enemies are. Stay down ya zombie fuck! STAY DOWN! Then you run into these archers. Die you fuck bugger! And every time you get hit, you get knocked back half a screen. (he struggles to defeat an archer) Look how long it takes to beat this guy! Die! DIE! DIE! Oh my God, when are they gonna die?! WHEN ARE THEY GONNA DIE?! Oh, my God! Then these gargoyles keep coming at me and they take just as long to kill. Every enemy is like a mini boss battle! The control is clumsy; you can't attack and move at the same time. When you die, it sends you back to the title screen. Instead of simply continuing, you have to go to "Preparations", that brings up a menu with the password option. You enter the password, and then you wait through a cut scene with a book. And being a magic wizard and all, I can't see how water kills you. And it’s not clear how I'm supposed to make this jump, anyway. Hey. I got a magic trick. (The Nerd covers his right fist with a piece of paper towel. When he takes off the paper towel, he reveals he was holding a middle finger)
- The Nerd: LJN even made a game based on the '95 swashbuckling adventure, Cutthroat Island, which, according to the Guinness World Records, as of 2012, was the biggest box-office failure of all time. Oh, and then add the LJN logo, it's the perfect storm. So the first level is... okay. It's just a dumb beat 'em up game with cartoonish graphics. The animation is good. There's a variety of sword swipes and rolls you can perform. It's not bad, really... until you get to the next level. Now you're in a wooden cart ramming into enemies. You just mow them all down. Seems simple enough, but if you hit a rock or a tree, you die instantly. There's no death animation, it just fades to black and restarts the stage, so if you blink, you might not even notice what happened. Like when I hit this guy, I had no idea how I lost, but it turns out, you need to avoid him! But how the hell was I supposed to know that? You run over everyone else; why not him?!
- The Nerd: All right, let's check on Sam. (he goes to his Commodore 64, pushes the space button and turns it on) Hey, Sam, how's the game looking?
- Sam Beddoes: Yeah, uh, she's pretty good you know all things considered I mean, the NES is a little harder to program for than I expected but you know it's, it's coming together you can see. Well hey, why don't you try it out for yourself? It’s an early build, but I think it's prominent.
- The Nerd: (holds a prototype cartridge) Quick delivery. (inserts the cartridge into the Nintendo Entertainment System and plays the prototype game as Marty jumps through obstacles and on enemies against a blue background) All right. Okay, it's a good start. I mean we need some kind of power ups, here. So can we put Hill Valley in the background there, have some time travel, get the DeLorean up to 88?
- Sam Beddoes: Yeah, w-we got time.
- The Nerd: Maybe have the holographic shark?
- Sam Beddoes: Oh, totally as a boss fight!
- The Nerd: Do we get all the actors to sign off yet?
- Sam Beddoes: Yeah, yeah, well, well, well, well, no, uh, working on it. It- It’s almost there.
- The Nerd: It's a good start. But yeah, there's a lot left to do.
- Sam Beddoes: Oh, let's get back to work!
- The Nerd: I'll check in on you again soon.
- (The Nerd turns off his Commodore 64)
- The Nerd: It's gonna be good. It's gonna be good.
LJN Games Part Two (Sports and Marvel Games)
- The Nerd: Once again, the mission here is to sample every LJN game. I've already taken care of the movie-based games, but now, let's get into the sports games, which is a little bit of a problem for me because I don't know anything about basketball, or baseball, or... football.
- The Nerd: (on NFL Quarterback Club on Super Nintendo) Oh, the decisions in life. Should you go to college? Should you get married, divorced? Should you move into a house or an apartment? Should you have a kid or adopt, or have a pet? But then, comes a question greater than any in the history of human civilization. A question that concerns the very ground on which we stand! It’s the fundamental surface of the warriors' trial! From the ancient coliseums to the arena fields! It’s the very vegetation that grows beneath! It’s the cycle of life! IT’S A PIVOTAL DECISION THAT WILL FOREVER ALTER THE COURSE OF TIME! IT’S HUMANITY’S MOST CRITICAL JUDGMENT! THE FATE OF ALL EXISTENCE DEPENDS ON IT! AND NOW, AT THIS MAJOR TURNING POINT, AS YOU STAND AT THE BURNING CROSSROADS UNDER THE LIGHT OF GOD, AND ASK YOURSELF, "WHAT'LL IT BE?! GRASS?! OR TURF?!" That’s a very important decision!
- The Nerd: Let's check on Sam. (pushes the space button)
- Sam Beddoes: Hey, Nerd.
- The Nerd: Hey, how's it coming?
- Sam Beddoes: Yeah, it's coming along, try it out.
- (The Nerd begins playing the prototype game. Marty is jumping through obstacles, collecting clocks, and stomping on enemies.)
- The Nerd: O-Okay. Um, what-... Clocks? Really? Clocks again?
- Sam Beddoes: Uh you know, time! Isn’t it?
- The Nerd: I- Okay, we need to change the clocks. We can’t have clocks in the game.
- Sam Beddoes: Got it, got it, right, changing the clocks. No clocks.
- The Nerd: You didn’t get the licensing, did you?
- Sam Beddoes: Uh… the hoverboard… uh, that we got that. It’s it’s pink and yellow.
- The Nerd: How are you supposed to control this?
- Sam Beddoes: Yes, so there’s like an acceleration, deceleration thing going on there so it feels kind of like uh… actually hovering on a hoverboard. I’m still working on getting it to be actually playable.
- The Nerd: Yeah, playable! That would be… something.
- Sam Beddoes: Yeah yeah, it’ll get there.
- The Nerd: The holographic shark. W-what is going on with it?
- Sam Beddoes: Okay, so the-the NES couldn’t actually do like transparencies so to make something look kind of transparent, you had a frame where you could see it and a frame where you couldn’t see it. See? You can see it’s like flashing on and off and if you put on a really old CRT TV, it kind of looks transparent and you only get a tiny little bit of a headache!
- The Nerd: A tiny bit of a headache. Okay, t-this really needs to get fixed. How much time do we have to finish this again?
- Sam Beddoes: (checks his watch) Uh… Ah! Um… plenty of time. We're good.
- (The Nerd turns off his C64 system)
- The Nerd: All right. Well, that'll get strained out. Anyway, we already took care of the LJN sports games. So next, let’s check out the LJN Marvel games which consist of Spider-Man, X-Men, and The Punisher. First up, the Spider-Man games. Luckily, I already covered some of them.
- The Nerd: But there's more! The Game Boy version had sequels. Oh, yes. Here comes Spider-Man 2. I can't blame myself for missing it. It looks similar, but the controls are very different, especially the way the web works. You got to stick onto things and sort of like, ugah… like just swing yourself around. It-It’s kind of like, uh… You know, like, uh… like Spider-Man. Yeah, it’s a good attempt, unlike the first Game Boy game, where the web was automatic. Here, it’s more calculated, until you run out. Now you’re on your own. So you go around fighting enemies, climbing walls. It’s your usual friendly neighborhood Spider-Man game. What’s this? A dead end? (Spider-Man dies to the electric fence) Ooh! Literally a dead end! Well, I'll know next time not to touch the electric fence! Well damn. What's next, Spider-Man 3 on Game Boy? (laughs and sighs) Yeah. Who would've guessed this would be a trilogy? Spider-Man 3: Invasion of the Spider Slayers. Oh, boy. When it starts, you’re just running around a park beating people up. Then you reach a dead end, at least one that doesn’t kill you this time. So you’re just running back and forth taking out enemies until finally, an arrow appears at the bottom and lets you leave the stage. Next thing, I’m fighting a xenomorph alien! I mean, it looks exactly like Alien. Then there's some weird boss. Is it a bird? A robot claw? I don't know, but it's the shyest boss in game history. Won't come anywhere inside the screen. So fuck this!
- The Nerd: Oh-ho-ho! Spider-Man's in this game! It's the Game Boy Cinematic Universe. And that covers the Marvel Games. (goes to his Commodore 64 and turns it on) All right, Sam. How's the game coming?
- Sam Beddoes: Uh, you know, it's getting there, but uh, I mean there's a little bit of sprite flicker. Uh... Why don't you try it out?
- '(The Nerd plays the prototype game again. This time, clocks are replaced with hourglasses and there are death blocks in the stage)
- The Nerd: Hourglasses?
- Sam Beddoes: Well, you said no clocks.
- The Nerd: No! We need something else!
- Sam Beddoes: ...Sundials?
- The Nerd: (stutters) Wait. D-death blocks?! Oh, these remind me of something.
- Sam Beddoes: Uh, well see that that would be that'll be a thing called developer difficulty, where if you are testing your own game 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and not sleeping, you get really good at it and so the game ends up like way, way harder than you think it is.
- The Nerd: Yeah, we need to tone down the difficulty.
- Sam Beddoes: It's okay, okay, we got a focus group lined up. Universal has done it for us.
- The Nerd: Wait, everything's flickering!
- 'Sam Beddoes: Yeah, that's um, that's the NES uh, the uh, I can't do too many sprites on the screen at once, otherwise it starts flickering. I'm still working on the solution for that whole thing.
- The Nerd: Okay, I can't even control which way I'm supposed to be going! Okay, well, maybe, can we move on to another console?
- Sam Beddoes: That would entail starting over from scratch.
- The Nerd: All right. Keep it on the NES! Get it fixed!
- (The Nerd turns off his C64 system and sighs)
- The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: What were you thinking?!
- The Nerd: (yelps)
LJN Games Part Three (Wrestling and Other Games)
- The Nerd: Oh, God. (exhales) I gotta focus on my task here, acknowledge every LJN game, and then, I can move on. All right
- The Nerd: One funny thing I forgot to mention was that in both Wrestlemania Challenge and King of the Ring, you can play as yourself. What the hell's that supposed to mean? It's not like you can customize it to actually look like yourself.
- The Nerd: All right, Sam. How's the game going?
- Sam Beddoes: Yeah, this is okay, so I got the feedback from the focus group. Um, the difficulty is too high, the game is too easy, too many enemies, not enough opponents to fight with. Somebody says that they really want hula girls and the bowling ball weapon.
- The Nerd: This is... horrible! Do we even have any, um, any power-ups at all now?
- Sam Beddoes: Uh, well, you said no-no hourglasses. So, the time kind of runs out a bit quick.
- The Nerd: What's happening with the music here?
- (The Power of Love plays at a bit speed)
- Sam Beddoes: Okay, so, we had The Power of Love, uh, and, um, well, we couldn't, you know, the licensing and everything. So, I sped it right up, so you can't even recognize it because I had to avoid copyright issues.
- The Nerd: Oh, no, no, you didn't avoid copyright issues and put the... (grunts) The bowling ball!
- Sam Beddoes: Since anyone knows the focus group wanted the bowling balls man, I don't know why.
- The Nerd: Who wanted to avoid copyright issues and bowling balls? Oh, the flickering is worse. Oh, the controls are worse. Oh, the time limit is worse! Oh, we-we are spiraling into the toilet here!
- Sam Beddoes: Uh, just while they have you, we do need to mix the time travel, the Hill Valley background, uh, and a few other things just because of time constraints.
- The Nerd: Fine, fine. Just make it playable. Make it work. How much time do we have to fix this?
- Sam Beddoes: Okay, so, the-the deadline is, uh, let me take a look. (looks at his watch) Two hours from now. Hope you got a flux capacitor!
- The Nerd: (inhales sharply) All right, you got one last chance! Don't fuck this up! (slams the space button to turn off his Commodore 64)
- The Nerd: All right, let's finish the LJN library. But before we end this, it's worth mentioning they also made a gaming accessory, the Roll 'n Rocker, which I already covered.
- The Nerd from NES Accessories review: It's another hunk of plastic! Who made this thing?! (turns the Roll 'n Rocker to see that it was made by LJN) Son of a bitch. (Beetlejuice walks just in place) I'm drinking Rolling Rock on the Roll 'n Rocker. Rolling Rock, Roll 'n Rocker! Yeah, Rolling Rock on the Roll 'n Rocker!
- The Nerd: Since these games are so identical, I was on the fence whether it should be counted twice. If not, that would bring our total number of 67 LJN games down to 66. Or would you say an identical game half counts? 0.5? Or, would you say more than half counts? A 0.6? There's 66.6 LJN games.
- Super Mecha Death Christ: FUCKERS! FUCKERS! (while he fights the devil)
- The Nerd:: Come on, knock it off! (pushes Super Mecha Death Christ and the devil off the screen)
- The Nerd: And so in '95, Acclaim performed an exorcism on the LJN name, and so it was gone for five years, like a demon seeking a new host. It found another console to invade, the Dreamcast, and thus emerged the unholy sign, the old rainbow in the dark. Look at that logo in full Dreamcast glory. You know, I'm gonna miss reviewing LJN games. No, I'm not. The game is Spirit of Speed, a racing game which takes place in 1937, so I guess maybe if you're really into classic cars of that time period, it might sort of be appealing. But jeez, give me Mario Kart or F-Zero any day, even as far as realistic racing games go, this is more like early Playstation and N64 than Dreamcast, Spirit of Speed my ass, more like Spirit of Slow. The cars handle like you're dragging 20 tons of bowling balls of donkey dung. You like trudging through farmland as dull green and gray wash over your senses, and 10 laps, what are you kidding me? This is something you play if you want to go to sleep. There's almost nothing to say about it. I can't work with this! But you know what? I just completed the LJN library.
- (The scene fades up to the Nerd who looks at the LJN logo in the sky at sunset as the logo fades away and the Nerd gives the LJN logo the middle finger salute.)
- The Nerd: Farewell, you fuck.
- (The Nerd walks back to Commodore 64 and he pushes the space button.)
- The Nerd: All right, Sam. Let's see the game.
- Sam Beddoes: Well, we did our best, so, this is the final product. We cut some corners, but I think...
- The Nerd: Just show me the damn game!
- Sam Beddoes: All right, all right, all right. Here it is, here it is.
- (The Nerd plays the final product version as he gasps and shudders in horror and sees the gameplay and then he screams and goes to the Rampage arcade machine.)
- The Nerd: (pants) I'm a shitload of fuck! I'm a shitload of FUCK!!!!!!!!!!
- (The Nerd cries as the Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd appears on the reflection of the Rampage arcade cabinet.)
- The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: Nerd!
- The Nerd: Ah! (gasps)
- The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: You've made the worst game ever made! You've become the very thing you were fighting against!
- The Nerd: No! (cries in despair)
- The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: (plays the remake of Back to the Future) I should be reviewing your game, Nerd!
- The Nerd: NO!!!!!!
- The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: I'm the Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd!
- The Nerd: No! No!
- The Angry Angry Video Game Nerd Nerd: What was he thinking? What a shitload of fuck! Buffalo diarrhea bull fuck that is! It sucks, it blows, and it's a whole shit!
- The Nerd: (while he slides on the LJN rainbow) NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!
- The Nerd: (he stands up and breathes heavily) All these years, I've been trashing these games. But maybe, I haven't been fair. Maybe it wasn't the game designers' faults. Maybe, if you haven't tried something yourself, you don't know how fucking hard it is! It wasn't their fault. (he goes to the fourth shelf with happy and joy) I forgive them! (takes out Bill & Ted's Excellent Video Game Adventure) This game I forgive! (takes out Back to the Future II & III) And this game I forgive! (takes out Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde Special Value box) And this game... (suddenly, he looks at the box and his face turns sour as the scene cuts to black) This game sucks.
The Last Ninja (NES)
Contra, How I Remember It
- The Nerd: Okay, there can't be anymore of these. I'm done now, right?
- Icon of Sin: Just hang in there, there's a few more.
- (The ZX Spectrum version of Doom lands on the Nerd.)
- The Nerd: Doom on the ZX Spectrum?! Why would they port Doom on the ZX Spectrum? Why even bother? The graphics are what you'd expect and the controls are so bad it's almost non-functional!
- (The scene cuts to the NES port of Doom while the 8-bit version of At Doom's Gate plays.)
- The Nerd: Now you're really pulling my leg. Doom on NES? There's no way! Look at it! It's total garbage! At least it works with the NES Zapper. That's good, I guess. Doom on Game Boy? No. No! (groans) This is below the bottom of the toilet! We're all the way into the sewage plan at this point. Doom on Virtual Boy?! You know, I thought this would be a cool idea to experience Doom in virtual reality, but this is way too soon! Not ready yet! Ugh. Man, at least the blood is red, it's because everything's red! Doom on Atari 2600? Yes, somebody actually made this. Doom on Vectrex? Somebody actually got this to run? Oh, that's it. I can't take it anymore. No more Doom. (Doom on Tiger handheld console lands on the Nerd) No. It can't be. Doom on Tiger Electronic Handheld! (laughs) This is fucked beyond belief! This is below human standards! This game is filth! This game puts the die in diarrhea! Who wants to play Doom on a Tiger handheld console? It can't get any worse. Oh, God! It's worse! Doom on R-Zone! Doom on a wristwatch? Doom on a flip phone? Doom on a calculator? That's right, Doom on a calculator. The crazy thing is you think I'm making this up. It's actually real! I am playing Doom on a calculator.
- The Nerd: Doom on the Wawa order screen? You can play Doom while you're ordering Mac and Cheese. Doom on a gas pump? Fill up your car while blasting away demons! Don't smoke while you play it. Doom on the Dreamcast memory card screen? The VMU? I need to emphasize, not Doom on the actual Dreamcast, but on the memory card. Doom on the screen of your car? Well, that's dangerous. Doom on your thermostat? Doom on your VCR clock? Dig out your VCR for that one. (chuckles) Doom on your microwave? Good way to kill time while you're waiting for your food. Doom on the turkey thermometer? Doom on the pregnancy test! I'm not kidding here, for real. Somebody got this to work. Doom on the Odyssey? It's just a dot on the screen, but that overlay works nice. But it is the only Doom port where you get to use a realistic gun. (fires the Odyssey Light Gun) Doom the water arcade? Now we're past the limits of electronics. Doom the Etch A Sketch? Doom the flipbook? (he makes the flipbook work) Doom on a Rubik's Cube? Doom on Pogs? Fucking pogs! Doom the toilet piss game? Get pissed off and piss on! Yeah! (The Nerd urinates on the demon paper towel and flushes the toilet) And finally, Doom the suppository! It's the only one with Doom II. Because it's number two! Diarrhea dump the Doom out!
- The Nerd: And by the way, I took ten of them earlier! You wanna give me the doom, you demonic devil dickhead? Well, I've got some dookie doom for you, fuckface! I'm gonna launch out my ass through this sumbitch! [picks up the BFSG] This is the BFSG, Big Fucking Shit Gun! [inserts the BFSG into his anus]
- Icon of Sin: No! Not that!
- The Nerd: Bombs away, motherfucker! Here it comes! [grunts] This way... All right, where's the button? Where's... Where's that fucking button? Come on. [activates the BFSG] Oh! Here we go!
- [The Nerd shits all over the Icon of Sin on TV until the wall behind cracks open.]
- The Nerd: Oh! Oh, man.
- The Nerd: It's you.
- John Romero: Never mind, the man behind the wall.
- The Nerd: You're John Romero.
- John Romero: Yes, it was me all along.
- The Nerd: You made fuckin' Doom!
- John Romero: Yes, and I've been waiting for you to review it. What took you so long, Nerd? More than 200 episodes, and you still haven't done Doom.
- The Nerd: Are you telling me you've been behind my wall the entire time?
- John Romero: Yes, it's been... interesting.
- The Nerd: Okay, so look, you made me play all these Doom ports, you did all this weird stuff to the room, you're this decapitated head on a spike that's somehow alive, you're the great and powerful, can you do just one thing? Can you get Doom to run on my Commodore 64?
- John Romero: No, I can't do that.