The New Batman Adventures

The New Batman Adventures continues from Batman: The Animated Series in the DC Animated Universe.

Season One

Holiday Knights

[It is December 22. Poison Ivy is sitting outside the apartment window. She overhears Harley Quinn talking inside the bedroom.]

Harley Quinn: I'm depressed, Red. Here it is, holiday time, and we're hiding out in this dingy rat-trap. No presents, no fun, no nothing. Can't we at least get a Christmas Tree?

Poison Ivy: What? And support the mad campaign of botanical genocide that grips this country every December?!

Harley Quinn: [yelps] But Christmas trees are so bright and fun and pretty! Oh, please, please- please-- [gets hit with a pillow on the face by Ivy]

Poison Ivy: Calm down, Harls. I've got a little plan that will make this the happiest Christmas ever.

---

Harley Quinn: [excitedly] Woo-hoo! Race you to the shoe department, Ives!

Poison Ivy: You're on!

---

Harley Quinn: Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God! We-we killed him... [shrugs] Oh, well.

Poison Ivy: We were going to do it anyway.

Harley Quinn: We got his credit cards: what's to worry?

---

Poison Ivy: [to Batman] I'll bet you've been a good little Batboy this year. Unfortunately, Harley and I are still on the naughty list.

Harley Quinn: Come on up and get your presents.

[Ivy sees Batman climbing up high and swinging a pole.]

Poison Ivy: Aw, gee, Harley. You broke our new toy.

[She and Harley leave the mall.]

Harley Quinn: Bye-bye, Batsy!

---

Boy: You're not the real Santa Claus!

Harvey Bullock: (Dressed as Santa) Sure I am! Wanna see my gun?

[Montoya slaps him upside the head.]

Harvey Bullock: Ow!

---

Mary McSweeney: My name is Mary McSweeney, Santa. Can you bring my dad home for Christmas?

Harvey Bullock: Gee, I don't know. Where is your dad?

Mary McSweeney: In prison.

Harvey Bullock: Whoa! Your dad is Mad Dog... uh, Mike McSweeney?

[Mary nods]

Harvey Bullock: (aside to Montoya) Poor kid. I sent her old man up the river three months ago. (to Mary) Uh, look, kid, I'd like to help you, but it's like this... (sighs) What I'm trying to say is, some wishes even Santa can't make come true. (gives Mary money) Ah, here, get yourself something nice for the holidays.

Mary McSweeney: (hugs him) Thank you, Santa! Would it be okay if I bought something for my dad, too?

Harvey Bullock: As long as it ain't a hacksaw, why not?

---

Batgirl: Don't waste your ammo on him, shoot the Santa.

Harvey Bullock: (looks at Montoya) You wouldn't.

Renee Montoya: Not you, dope! (points at Santa statue) That Santa!

---

Joker: Hi-ho, couch potatoes! I'm interrupting the Toilet Bowl to give you my very special New Year's resolution. [Clears throat] Starting tonight at midnight, I - your loving Uncle Joker - do solemnly vow not to kill anyone for a whole year - which means I'm going to have to work extra fast to bump off a few more of you today!

Sins Of The Father

Two-Face: He stole something from me.

Tim Drake: You charming good looks?

---

Tim: If you knew how many times I've dreamed about this place!

[Tim picks up a small black ball from an arsenal.]

Alfred: Please, Master Timothy! Not the explosives.

Tim: Sorry. Geez! I don't believe it!

---

[Tim walks over to a glass case containing the Robin suit.]

Tim: It's the real Robin suit, isn't it?! Whatever happened to him?

---

Batgirl: (grinning) I don't think so, boys!

---

[Tim eyes a trophy case with pictures, trophies and awards given to Bruce Wayne]

Tim: Bruce Wayne, huh?

Batgirl: Sorry you had to see that.

---

Alfred Pennyworth: I called Batgirl right after you arrived, sir. Though apparently, not soon enough.

Batgirl: He's been upstairs.

Tim: So what? I know how to keep a secret! You can trust me, honest!

[Batgirl lifts his jumper, allowing a stolen watch and pile of dollar bills to fall out. Tim gives Batman an awkward grin]

---

Batman: I think I've I.D.'d his father. Steven 'Shifty' Drake.

Batgirl: Burglary, armed robbery, grand-theft...

Batman: Started when he was a kid. A real hard-luck case.

Batgirl: Just like his son.

Batman: Are you looking for sympathy?

Batgirl: From you? Heaven forbid.

---

Two-Face: Attention, people of Gotham City. I've got a simple equation for you: one plus one equals Armageddon!

---

Two-Face: You're too late, Batman. Better find yourself another mask.

---

Bruce Wayne: You work with me, Tim, you follow the rules. Rule number one: you give me everything you've got. Rule number two: then you give me more. And rule number three: I make the rules.

Dick Grayson: Watch out for that last one, kid. It's a killer.

[The others are surprised to see him]

Bruce Wayne: Dick?

Alfred Pennyworth: My word!

Dick Grayson: Hey. No one can be a "Boy Wonder" forever.

Cold Comfort

Dr. Madsen: What's going on here?! What do you want?!

[Freeze regards the Ultrasaurus skeleton she has been reconstructing]

Mr. Freeze: It's beautiful. So sad you have to lose it.

Dr. Madsen: There isn't an archaeological institution in the world that would buy a stolen fossil. This wouldn't be worth anything to you!

Mr. Freeze: To me, no. But it's worth everything to you, isn't it? I did not come here to steal bones, Dr. Madsen. I came to steal hope.

[He blasts and freezes the skeleton, and it shatters and collapses]

Dr. Madsen: NO! [shedding tears] Why? Why?!

Mr. Freeze: Why not?

---

Guiseppe Bianci: Thank you, thank you! I feel like my life is just beginning. You have made the struggle worthwhile.

Mr. Freeze: And I shall make it worth nothing.

---

Mr. Freeze: Search your hearts for the thing you value most. Then despair, for I have come to take it from you.

---

[Batman tries to stop Freeze, but he is caught unprepared by his enemy who points his weapon at him]

Batman: What are you waiting for?

Mr. Freeze: Not this time, not this way.

---

Bruce Wayne: [donating a million dollars to an orphanage] As my father once told me, those who have the most must give the most.

Mr. Freeze: [watching on a monitor] Those who have the most also have the most to lose, Mr. Wayne.

---

Bruce Wayne: Alfred tells me you failed a civics test.

Tim Drake: Like I really care what a district attorney does.

Bruce Wayne: You don't know the first thing about the American justice system, do you?

Tim Drake: I know it's bogus.

Bruce Wayne: And how'd you come to that well-thought-out conclusion?

Tim Drake: Watching you. You don't exactly follow the rules of due process.

Bruce Wayne: I... how did you do on your math test?

---

Mr. Freeze: You were just a boy when you lost your family, but you keep trying to create a surrogate family for yourself. To destroy you, I need only destroy that. Perhaps your beloved surrogate son? No. I think the surrogate father.

---

[Freeze reveals that he has been reduced to a head relying on cybernetics]

Mr. Freeze: The accident that created me finally took its toll. By the time these doctors stopped my deterioration, all that was left undamaged was this.

Batgirl: That's what you meant when you said it was too late for you.

Mr. Freeze: Ironic, isn't it? After all I did to keep my wife whole, I end up like this. You understand now why I could not return to my Nora, my treasure. There's no hope for me - or you, or your city. Everyone's going to feel my loss!

---

Mr. Freeze: As much as I want you to see your city frozen and lifeless, I'm quite prepared to end it all right now!

Never Fear

Batman: Now, there's a window a few feet from here and if you just follow me...

Acrophobic Man: Window? I'm not going in. This is going to be the best night of my life.

Batman: It could also be the last.

Acrophobic Man: Oh, come on! There's nothing to be afraid of. Fear's a prison, you see, and I've just broken out. (dances joyfully) Tag. (Pushes Batman off building and falls)

---

Scarecrow: [on the crocodiles in the zoo] Terrifying, aren't they?

Bruce Wayne: What's going on?

Scarecrow: That's what I'd like to know. Who are you? Why were you snooping around?

Bruce Wayne: Easy, easy! I was just lookin' for some loose cash! I wasn't trying to move in on your operation, whatever it is.

Scarecrow: A thief. I thought as much. [pulls out gun]

Bruce Wayne: Hey, be cool!

[The Scarecrow shoots, dousing Bruce with gas]

Scarecrow: Scared you, didn't I?

[Now bereft of fear, Bruce starts to step towards him, not flinching when the crocodiles leap up again]

Scarecrow: They don't seem so frightening now, do they? That's it, tough guy, come and get me.

[Bruce climbs over the fence and jumps into the crocodiles' pool, and they attack and seemingly kill him]

Scarecrow: Welcome to the food chain.

---

Batman: Where's the gas?!

Guru: Go ahead. Throw me in jail. It won't do you any good.

Batman: Who said anything about jail?

[The guru looks scared. Batman tethers him to a table and throws him out the window]

Robin: Batman!

Batman: Quiet.

Guru: [terrified] HELP!

Batman: [starts cutting the rope] You didn't answer my question.

Guru: I-I can't! He'll kill me!

Batman: Death is death. Does it matter who administers it?

---

Batman: This isn't the time for games. Now untie me.

Robin: It's no game. You're out of control.

Batman: You don't know what you're talking about.

Robin: That gas has affected you more than you think.

Batman: I told you, I can handle it!

Robin: YOU CAN'T! You're not even afraid to kill. I'll be back for you, soon as I can. [starts to leave]

Batman: Robin... it's hard for me to say this, but you did the right thing. I was out of control, and you've made me see that.

Robin: I did what I had to.

Batman: What now?

Robin: I've gotta stop the Scarecrow.

Batman: I can help you. I know him.

Robin: But--

Batman: Don't worry - you'll be the boss on this one.

[Robin takes a few steps towards him - then stops]

Robin: You almost fooled me. [leaves]

Batman: Untie me, you little...! UNTIE ME!

---

Scarecrow: This message is for the mayor. You'll soon see what Gotham City will be like without fear, and it won't be pretty. Fear is the glue that holds society together. It's what makes people suppress their worst impulses. Fear is power. And today, it will also be quite expensive, if you want the antidote.

---

[The train is careening out of control]

Scarecrow: Fool! You'll get us killed!

Batman: You're not trying to scare me, are you?

---

Robin: [Batman strangles Scarecrow] You can't!

Batman: Watch me.

---

Batman: [trying to stop the train] I can't stop it. You're gonna have to jump.

Robin: What about Scarecrow?

Batman: I'll take care of him. [Robin looks shocked] I'll get him off the train.

---

Robin: Um, last night, when I tied you up... I didn't mean it.

Batman: Don't apologize. You were right.

Robin: Yeah, but... it was kinda scary.

Batman: A little fear's a good thing.

You Scratch My Back

Nightwing: What are you doing here?

Batgirl: Pre-dawn, the dockyards, where else would a person in a mask be?

---

Batman: Not bad.

Nightwing: Yeah, for a guy your age.

---

Nightwing: I told you, I didn't need--

Catwoman: A gift.

[Catwoman blows Nightwing a kiss and flips away.]

Thug: [gagged] Mmmhpphummnmmphhumnhrm.

Nightwing: You said it.

---

Enrique El Gancho: What have you here? Batman Lite?

---

Selina Kyle: I thought I felt a chill.

Batman: I want you to stay away from Nightwing.

Selina Kyle: [chuckles] Mother birds usually know when to let their robins leave the nest. He's a big Boy Wonder now. A Man Wonder, in fact.

Batman: I don't trust you, Selina.

Selina Kyle: Of course you don't. That's why it never could have worked out between us.

Nightwing: [appears at window] Is this a private party?

Selina Kyle: Don't you men ever use the door? Don't mind him, he just wants to protect your honor.

Nightwing: I don't need a chaperone.

Batman: You don't know what she's capable of.

Nightwing: She's been straight with me. Maybe you just never gave her the chance.

Selina Kyle: If you don't trust me, Batman, trust him.

Batman: I guess I have to.

---

Nightwing: Yep, there they are. Keeping tabs on me, like I was some kind of criminal.

Catwoman: Now you see what I go through. [puts Batman's tracer on Isis' collar] Here you go, precious. Have a night on the town.

---

Catwoman: [escaping on a boat] Adios.

Double Talk

Arnold Wesker: But you're gone! I'm cured!

Scarface: Cured?! I ain't a case of the sniffles, Dummy! And I don't roll over just 'cause some quack waves a two-dollar watch at me! Nobody pulls my strings, Dummy - especially not you!

Arnold Wesker: No! I don't want you back! You can't--

Scarface: Shaddup! Did I ask your permission?! I'm givin' the orders here!

Arnold Wesker: But you're not real!

Scarface: No? Look across the street.

[Wesker peeks out to see the Scarface puppet in a phone booth]

Scarface: Now strap on yer dancing shoes and get ready for my coming-out party. You got that?

Arnold Wesker: [defeated] Yes, sir, Mr. Scarface...

Scarface: That's better.

---

Scarface: Better look sharp, youse mugs! Scarface is back!

---

Scarface: Tough luck, Bats. The only way outta this crate's with the right voice, and Fox here is sleepin' like a baby.

---

Rhino: This ain't funny, boss!

Scarface: No, but it's a laugh riot you blockheads thought you could impressionate me. Youse thought you could decide when I was comin' out? You coulda ruined my plan.

Arnold Wesker: What plan?

Scarface: I was playin' possum. Layin' low till the heat was off. But then you two numbskulls start up. And when the muscle starts thinkin' it's the brains, then it's time to amputate.

Arnold Wesker: No, Mr. Scarface! Please don't kill them!

Scarface: [slaps him] Butt out, Dummy, or you can walk the plank too!

Mugsy: Boss, please! We didn't mean no harm!

Rhino: Yeah, boss, we just needed you, is all!

Scarface: Yeah, yeah, you're breakin' my heart. Sayonara, chumps! [throws dynamite at them]

---

Batman: Arnold, don't do this.

Arnold Wesker: It's out of my hands!

Batman: He's the puppet, not you.

Scarface: Don't listen to him, Dummy! He's playin' you like a cheap fiddle! Do him, already!

Arnold Wesker: [aims at Batman, sweating] I'm sorry...

Scarface: [after a tense silence] Come on, what are you waitin' for?! For once in your life, do somethin' right!

Arnold Wesker: ... Yes.

[Wesker shoots Scarface, sending him tumbling down onto the a large fan]

Scarface: That's it, Dummy! When I get my hands on--

[The fan completely shreds Scarface, silencing his voice]

---

Arnold Wesker: And Mr. Wayne even gave me my job back!

Mrs. Segar: I'm so glad, Arnie. Maybe now that you're back, you won't be such a stranger this time. Use the rec room. Sometimes it helps to be around others.

Arnold Wesker: I will. But for right now, I'm just looking forward to being by myself.

Joker's Millions

Joker: Quick! More bullets!

Harley Quinn: Sorry, puddin', that was our last clip. You know how expensive they are.

Batgirl: Sounds like someone turned off your cash flow.

Joker: If it's a flow you want, I'm happy to oblige.

---

Joker: Well, that was a complete fiasco! If we weren't so strapped for cash, I'd never have touched this job. (to Harley Quinn) Gimme the loot.

Harley Quinn: Don't you have it?

Joker: ME? You were the last one to... (The car quietly breaks down and stops as the headlights go out) I thought I told you to get gas!

Harley Quinn: We're broke, remember? What was I supposed to do, fill the tank, shoot the guy and drive off?

Joker: (Nodding) Mmm-hmm!

Harley Quinn: Now you tell me!

[They hear tires screeching and turn around to see the Batmobile heading their way.]

Joker: Oops! Time to eject!

[Joker pushes a lever which launches his seat out of the car on a rocket.]

Harley Quinn: (Frantically searching) Hey! Where's mine?

Joker: (Rocketing away) Sorry, kiddo! I could only afford one!

Harley: You cheap, penny-pinching, pasty-faced creep! I'll get you for this, ya lousy tightwad!

---

Receptionist: A letter came for you today, Mister... Joker. By the way, you're two weeks late with your rent.

Joker: (snatches the letter and stalks off) Sue me.

[Joker enters his run-down apartment room and slumps against the door. His hyenas, Bud n' Lou start barking/laughing as he enters.]

Joker: Alas. The bitter jest of fate. The once-mighty Joker without two nickels to rub together.

[Joker sits down on the couch. Bud n' Lou sit up on it, still laughing/barking.]

Joker: (To Bud n' Lou) Yeah, yeah, you're hungry, I'm hungry. Do me a favor and eat each other, will you?

[He tears open the letter and starts reading it]

Joker: 'Dear sir, we regret to inform you of the passing of Mister Edward aka 'King' Barlowe...' Ooh, there's good news. I hated him. '...who, in accordance with his last wishes, has bequeathed to you the total...' Two-hundred and fifty million dollars? WOOHOO!!! WOOHOO!!! WOO!!! Good ol' King Barlowe! I take back almost all the nasty things I ever said about him.

[He kisses the letter and turns to his hyenas]

Joker: Bud! Lou! Our ship has come in, boys! We're gonna spend, spend, spend! And I know just what we'll buy first.

---

Batgirl: Well, now that he's rich, maybe he'll give up crime.

(Batman breaks the device in his hands in half with his bare hands)

Batgirl: Right. I'll call Dick.

---

Penguin: What's the scheme this time, Joker?

The Joker: No scheme at all, old bird! I'm free, I'm rich and I'm lovin' it! I'm sure old Batboy is eating his heart out! [laughs]

Penguin: Living well is the best revenge.

---

[Batgirl and Nightwing have to stop a gang of disgruntled gangsters from killing Joker.]

The Joker: Well done, kiddies!

Nightwing: We were trying to save innocent lives. You're just an unpleasant bonus.

The Joker: Be that as it may, your grateful Uncle Joker wants to thank you. Here, stick this in your piggy banks!

[He hands each of them a banknote. Contemptuously, they crumple the notes and drop them, then walk away.]

The Joker: [laughs] Let the good times roll!

---

[Harley Quinn sighs happily as she watches the Joker prosper on the TV. Poison Ivy is looking at her while reading a newspaper]

Poison Ivy: You're pathetic, you know that?

Harley Quinn: Come on, Ives. So Mr. J. got a little stressed over money. Now that he's loaded, Puddin'll buy my way out, too!

Poison Ivy: Oh, yeah... right. (shows Harley the newspaper frontpage) Sure thing, Harls.

Harley Quinn: (reading headline) "Joker seeks new henchgirl"?

(Exterior shot of Arkham)

Harley Quinn: (screams) I'LL KILL HIM!!!!!

---

Ernie: $137 million?!

The Joker: Yes! And if I don't pay up, I'll go to jail for tax evasion! I'm crazy enough to take on Batman, but the IRS?! No thank you!

Fake Harley: Hey, Mr. G? This money looks weird.

The Joker: What do you mean? (Picks up a roll of banknotes) It's a plain ol' pack of hundreds. See? There's Ben Franklin's chubby little... (Looks closer) What? King Barlowe?! (It is King Barlowe's face, not Benjamin Franklin's, that is on the money. Joker runs over to an assembled block of banknotes) He's on this stack! And this one!

Fake Harley: He's on every one of these thousands.

The Joker: I don't understand!

Ernie: Hey, boss. I found this. (holding a video tape)

---

King Barlowe: (On deathbed, appearing on tape) Hiya, Joker. If you're playing this tape, you've probably figured out you've been had. Yeah, I left you some cash, but only ten million, which knowing you, you've already blown. All the other stuff - money, jewels, gold - it's all fake. See, I always hated your guts, and this was the perfect payback. By now, you're probably out of real money. The IRS is after you, and you can't admit I fooled ya, or you'll be the laughing stock of the underworld! The joke's on you, sucker! I got the last laugh after all! (Laughs maniacally, trailing off into hacking coughs, and grabs his oxygen mask)

(Joker, infuriated, shoots the TV)

---

The Joker: If I don't pay my taxes I'll go to jail, but if I admit Barlowe duped me I look like a fool!

Ernie: Maybe you can raise the money by pulling one of your classic routines, like them laughing fish?

The Joker: Good idea, Ernie. Let's let Batman know I did it, SO HE CAN KICK MY KEISTER RIGHT BACK INTO ARKHAM!!! (pushes Ernie) Dope. Fake Harley, any ideas?

Fake Harley: Anything you say, Mr. G. (laugh)

(Joker, angered, tries to shoot Fake Harley until Ernie stops him)

Ernie: No, boss!

The Joker: (Sighs) Who'd ever think I'd miss the real one?

---

Guard 1: Harley Quinn's escaped!

Guard 2: Seal all exits!

Guard 3: Maybe she went down the laundry chute?

Guard 2: None of the yahoos are crazy enough to pull that old stunt!

Poison Ivy: (under her breath) Ha!

(in the laundry room, from inside a huge washer, Harley Quinn yells, muffled)

Harley Quinn: Help! Help! Ivy! Anybody! GET ME OUTTA HERE!

---

Ernie: [as Joker] Well, well, Bruce Wayne. Join me! A bottle of your best, my dear, for my guest.

Bruce Wayne: You'll understand if I refuse. The last time we met you tried to throw me off a building.

Ernie: I did? Weeell... that was so long ago!

Bruce Wayne: It was last month. [glares at him]

Ernie: [starts sweating and wipes makeup off of his forehead] Well, gotta be going...

---

[Batman corners Ernie in the Iceberg Lounge's toilets]

Batman: Should have used more makeup, Ernie.

[Outside, the Penguin and his henchgirls listen in]

Batman: Why the disguise, Ernie? Where is he?

Ernie: I dunno what you're talking about!

Penguin: [under his breath] He can't threaten my guests...!

Batman: Let me jog your memory!

[A flushing toilet and Ernie's bubbling screams are heard. The Penguin quietly walks away]

---

The Joker: No laughing gas, no grins. No way Batboy could trace this back to me. (he and his henchmen get rocked by the boat) Hey, keep the boat in the water!

Fake Harley: This wasn't in the job description!

---

Batgirl: Don't be stupid! You can't save that money!

The Joker: I don't want to save it! I want to go with it!

---

Batman: You'd better call your fancy lawyers. (tosses Joker a nickel) Here, it's on me.

---

The Joker: [being driven back to Arkham] After all, it's only money. [chuckles] So I'll let the taxpayers foot my bill again. Besides, it'll be nice to see the old gang.

Harley Quinn: [dressed as a guard] One of them's dying to see you too, puddin'.

The Joker: Harley.

Harley Quinn: The one and only.

The Joker: You... you don't know how happy I am to see you!

Harley Quinn: [slapping a nightstick into her palm] Welcome to the club.

The Joker: [laughs nervously]

[Cut to outside the van]

The Joker: Harley, my dear, I can- (WHAM!) AH! - explain...! (POW!) OW! EEE! AH!

Growing Pains

Tim Drake: He always treats me like a kid.

Alfred Pennyworth: Pardon me for saying so, but you ARE a kid.

---

Commissioner Gordon: Teenagers. I'm glad my Barbara is past her wild years.

---

(the analysis of the mud from Annie's father's shoe is complete)

Batman: Oh, my God. (runs to Batmobile)

Alfred Pennyworth: What is it?

Batman: I know who Daddy is.

---

Police Officer: (Talking to Commissioner Gordon who is nearby about Clayface) We'll book him on the robberies and B & E, right? Anything else?

Robin: Yeah, murder.

Mean Seasons

Zaftig Lady: Isn't it lovely? I've got to buy one.

Man: For who?

(she slaps him)

Man: What did I do?

---

Calendar Girl: Beware the Ides of March!

---

Miss Solstice: No, please! I'm too young to die!

Calendar Girl: Honey, you're never too thin, and you're never too young.

---

Batman: Pretty girl.

Batgirl: Don't you mean woman?! She was your age when she made that commercial, Bat Boy!

---

Calendar Girl: Another season, another reason for making trouble.

---

Calendar Girl: Strange, isn't it? Dinosaurs have been dead for millions of years, yet they still get parts in movies. It hardly seems fair.

---

Harvey Bullock: Did you read her her rights?

Policewoman: Yes, sir.

Harvey Bullock: Then she knows they don't include this.

[He removes Calendar Girl's mask, revealing her still beautiful features; she immediately screams and sobs]

Calendar Girl: NO, DON'T! DON'T LOOK, PLEASE! Oh, no...!

Batgirl: She's beautiful!

Batman: She can't see that anymore. All she sees are the flaws.

The Demon Within

Auctioneer: Tonight, we offer a number of fascinating artifacts from the so-called "Dark Ages". First on the block is this. It is rumored to have been the personal branding iron of the Arthurian Era witch, Morgan Le Fey. Legend has it this piece has some sort of magical power... Gotham Auctioneers, Limited, makes no such guarantee.

---

Klarion: Exquisite craftsmanship, isn't it, Mr. Wayne? Enjoy it while you can.

Bruce Wayne: Who are-?

Jason Blood: Klarion. Why am I not surprised to see you here?

Klarion: We do have a way of bumping into each other, Uncle Jason. Next time, it will be on purpose.

(starts to walk away)

Bruce Wayne: Jason.

Jason Blood: Bruce. Thanks for stepping in.

Bruce Wayne: It was nothing. But tell me, how'd you ever get a brat like that for a nephew?

Jason Blood: We're not related. For some reason, it amuses him to call me "Uncle." But don't underestimate him. He'll do anything to get what he wants.

Bruce Wayne: Surely his parents...

Jason Blood: Don't expect any help from them. The little witch boy turned them into mice.

Bruce Wayne: You're not serious.

(Teekl opens his mouth wide and hisses)

---

Jason Blood: Gone. Gone the form of man, rise the demon, Etrigan!

---

Klarion: (solemnly, to Etrigan) Do it. (Etrigan destroys a movie theater while Klarion looks on, laughing maniacally. Suddenly, an ice cream truck is heard.) Oooo! Ice cream!

---

Batman: [holding the branding iron, reversing the spell which separated Etrigan and Blood] The Witch's evil now undo, make the one from what is two!

---

Batman: You've done enough damage for one night, young man.

---

Etrigan: Mother's Grief. Father's Shame. Soon he goes from whence he came.

Robin: What does that mean?

Etrigan: I'm sending him to his room.

(Etrigan vanishes with Klarion)

Robin: About tonight...

Batman: Don't ask. Just don't ask.

Over The Edge

Nightwing: [about Barbara's death] I never thought it would end this way. For us or for Barbara. I still don't know everything that happened.

Batman: I'll never forget. I can see it as clearly as my parents' murder.

---

Bruce Wayne: [answers ringing phone] Yes?

James Gordon: Wayne.

Wayne: Commissioner. What can I do for you?

Gordon: Drop the act. Ten minutes on Barbara's computer told me everything. Like a fool I allowed you to run wild on your private crusade. A psychotic misfit playing masked hero. Now I've paid for it with Barbara's life.

Wayne: Jim, believe me, I know how you feel.

Gordon: You can't.

Wayne: You know how I lost my parents. The only way I could hold onto my own sanity was to take matters into my own hands.

Gordon: That makes us even.

---

Renee Montoya: Freeze! Richard Grayson, you have the right to remain silent.

Nightwing: Waived.

---

Batman: It's over, Tim. Gordon feels betrayed and maybe he was. He won't give up until he gets me. You have to leave me now. Give yourself up. No one will blame you for what happened.

Tim Drake: What about you?

Batman: I don't know.

---

Lawyer: If the Bat's on a spree, Wayne must pay the fee.

---

Bane: I'm pleased you remembered me, Mr. Wayne. You can't believe how I've look forward to this. Though I was hoping for more of a fight. But what could I expect from a killer of children?

---

Bane: We fight to the death?

Batman: It makes no difference now.

---

Gordon: There's no place to run, Wayne.

Bane: Good. I want to finish him slowly...

[Gordon fires a bullet near Bane's feet, stopping him from approaching Batman]

Gordon: I want him alive! Alive to rot away in Arkham, surrounded by the monsters he's created.

Bane: Poetic. But no! [attacks him]

---

Bane: [Bane has Batman by the throat near the broken Bat-Signal] Time to die!

Batman: You first.

[Batman cuts Bane's venom tube and sticks into the protruding Bat-Signal wires, electrocuting him]

---

Gordon: Mmm-mm! Keep cooking like that, you'll have me looking like Harvey Bullock!

Barbara: Dinner wasn't the only reason I wanted to see you tonight.

Gordon: Oh?

Barbara: [pulls him to the windowsill] Dad... have a seat.

Gordon: [light-heartedly] Uh-oh!

Barbara: This is important. It won't be easy for you to hear, but it's about... a job I took on recently--

Gordon: [interrupting gently] Barbara, please. Sweetheart, you're capable of making your own decisions. You don't need me to approve or even acknowledge them. And in this case, I can't. All you need to know is I love you. All of you. [kisses her forehead] And that is all I have to say on the subject.

Barbara: [hugging him] Daddy...

Torch Song

Frank: Lynns! Are you crazy?!

Garfield Lynns: Maybe.

---

Batgirl: (while saving Cassidy) Hi, I'm a big fan.

---

Bruce Wayne: Lucky you were here.

Batgirl: Sometimes it pays to get the cheap seats.

---

Harvey Bullock: (after seeing Lynns' shrine to Cassidy) Whoo, this guy's got it bad! Vincenzo, get some pictures. I'm gonna check the fridge.

Vincenzo: Yeah, there's a lot of evidence in there, Detective!

Bullock: Shut up.

---

Bruce Wayne: What are you doing tonight?

Barbara Gordon: The same thing we do every night, Pinky!

Bruce Wayne: What?

Barbara Gordon: Never mind.

---

Batman: Why is Firefly after you?

Cassidy: You're not one for small-talk, are you?

Love Is A Croc

Baby-Doll: Why don't they ever understand? I'm not a baby. I'm not a child! I'm just...different!

---

Judge: Have you anything to say before I pass judgement?

Killer Croc: Yeah. I'm a victim of prejudice. Look at me! Nobody understands how rough my life's been. Just 'cause I'm... different.

Judge: Nevertheless, it is the judgement of this court that you, Killer Croc, are competent to stand trial for murder in the first degree. Court is adjourned.

Killer Croc: Competent! Competent?! That's an insult, you old bag of gas! I'm not just competent, I'm as good as it gets!

---

Baby-Doll: I heard what you said to the judge. I want you to know that I understand about being different. You've never let the way you look undermine your self-confidence. I admire that. I feel somehow that we're kindred spirits.

Killer Croc: Too bad we didn't meet sooner, babe. They're sending me up the river tomorrow night. My number's up.

Baby-Doll: Don't lose hope. Maybe fate will take a hand.

---

Batgirl: What do you suppose they do on a date?

Batman: I don't want to think about it.

---

Batgirl: Ordinarily, I don't approve of spanking. But in her case...

---

Baby-Doll: What's black and white and radioactive for twenty-thousand years?

Killer Croc: What?

Baby-Doll: Gotham City after the big boom, silly!

Killer Croc: Uh huh. So now what? We call the cops and demand a pay off, right?

Baby-Doll: No. We don't do anything.

Killer Croc: What?! What are you saying?

Baby-Doll: The "Kewpie Doll" knows all about your little excursions down to the docks. I won't let you betray me again. When the reactor reaches critical mass, you and I will die together, and take all of Gotham with us!

---

Batman: Can you stop it?

Batgirl: In a minute you'll either know, or won't care.

Season Two

The Ultimate Thrill

Penguin: This isn't a movie, you know. I'm a legitimate businessman now. I don't want to draw attention to myself. I can't afford to have my associates getting Batman all excited.

Roxy Rocket: But he loved it! I know he lives for the chase, and I was the best he ever had.

Penguin: Ever been pursued by a bird of prey?

Roxy Rocket: Sorry, Pengy. Some things are just too scary, even for me.

---

Penguin: You practically threw yourself into Batman's hands! If he catches you, what's to prevent him from making the connection to ME?! You would've put my whole operation at risk!

Roxy Rocket: Relax, Pengy. First, he's not gonna catch me. And second, I'm not a pigeon - I won't squawk.

Penguin: I've seen him crack tougher eggs than you. I'm sorry, my dear - I just can't take that chance. [aims his umbrella at her]

Roxy Rocket: What's this?

Penguin: I assure you, it's not filled with birdseed.

---

[While holding the Penguin over the edge of his balcony]

Batman: What say we have a little talk, just like old times?

---

Roxy Rocket: I get it! We'll live to play another day.

[Batman places her in handcuffs as the police arrive]

Roxy Rocket: W-What's this?

Batman: My kind of game. And you lost.

Critters

Robin: (seeing giant cows) Holy cow!

Batgirl: You had to say it.

---

Robin: That's a lot of bull.

---

Robotic Goat: (making the ransom demand) No tricks, no surprises, no Baaaaaaaatman.

---

Farmer Brown: Check your shoes for what the cow left and check your money. Two solid rules.

---

Harvey Bullock: So you survive the Joker and the rest of those freaks only to buy it from Jed Clampett and a bunch of bugs - and I got to be here to see it!

---

Batgirl: Now that's purty.

Cult Of The Cat

Robber 1: We're locksmiths, I swear.

Robber 2: Yeah, and the masks are...a fashion statement.

---

Catwoman: And you can't get rid of them. They're like old boyfriends or warts.

---

Catwoman: Wait a minute. Cat worship? Theft? Those guys should be praying to me.

---

Catwoman: After what I just did for you, you don't trust me?

Batman: I might have been knocked out twice tonight, but I still have my long-term memory.

Animal Act

Robin: Nightwing! What are you doing here?

Nightwing: Oh, just following a pattern of obsessive behavior instilled in me at an early age.

Batman: You should work on your stealth skills. I heard you coming halfway across the rooftop.

Nightwing: Good to see you too.

---

(confronted by two bears)

Nightwing: You take the brown one. I'll take...the other brown one.

---

Miranda Kane: Who are you?

Mad Hatter: A lonely wretch called Jervis Tetch, also known as...

Miranda Kane: The Mad Hatter!

Mad Hatter: At your service.

---

Mad Hatter: "The time has come," the Walrus said. "To talk of many things. Of bears and snakes, and clever crimes. That spring from circus rings."

---

Batman: You all right?

Nightwing: Yeah, what's a couple of ribs?

Old Wounds

Robin: You sound just like Batman.

Nightwing: I'm nothing like him.

---

Barbara Gordon: [notices Bruce isn't at Dick's graduation] He'll be crushed Bruce missed this. Where could he be?

Alfred Pennyworth: Perhaps he had car trouble.

---

Dick Grayson: [being summoned as Robin] This isn't a good time.

Batman: I'm not making a schedule.

---

Batman: You're late.

Robin: Excuse me for having a life.

---

[Batman and Robin have dropped in through an overhead window]

Joker: Nice entrance. Either you've never heard of a door, or you like picking glass out of your tights.

---

Joker: If you stick your nose in, it might get cut off.

---

Batman: Where's the Joker?!

Connor: I-I don't know!

[Batman slams him against the wall]

Connor's son: Daddy!

Batman: Remember now?!

Robin: Batman, not like this. Not in front of his family.

Batman: The sooner he talks, the sooner we leave.

Robin: [sees Connor's son starting to cry] I'm outta here now!

---

Barbara Gordon: He was so upset he couldn't even talk about it. It wasn't the first time I've seen him like that. What is it between you two? What's going on?

Bruce Wayne: You really care for him, don't you?

[Barbara nods]

Bruce Wayne: Follow me.

---

Alfred Pennyworth: Master Bruce, I... [sees Barbara in the Batcave] Ms. Gordon, I fear you've discovered our little secret. Yes, I admit it - I am Batman.

[Barbara looks unconvinced]

Bruce Wayne: It's all right, Alfred.

Alfred Pennyworth: [without missing a beat] Very good, sir.

Barbara Gordon: Why would you trust me with this?

Bruce Wayne: For Dick's sake. Besides, I'm not the only one with a secret, am I... Batgirl?

---

Bruce Wayne: Alfred, contact Robin.

Alfred Pennyworth: I've already tried, sir. I'm afraid he's not answering.

Bruce Wayne: Keep trying. The Joker will have his goons well-placed. I'm gonna need back-up.

Barbara Gordon: You've already got it.

---

Dick Grayson: Alfred, I saw Barbara's car parked out front. Where is she?

Alfred Pennyworth: She and Master Bruce are running an errand.

Dick Grayson: (notices the Batmobile is gone) What kind of errand?

---

Joker: (seeing Batgirl) Something new has been added: a big improvement over the Boy Blunder.

---

[Batman has just punched Bud and Lou, the Joker's pet hyenas]

Joker: Hey! Do I hit your kids? Oh, come to think of it, I do...

---

Batgirl: Thanks.

Robin: We need to talk.

Batgirl: Not now. He needs us.

---

Joker: What?! You should be sidewalk stroganoff!

Robin: I changed the menu.

---

Joker: (dazed) Houston, we have a problem. (falls unconscious backwards)

---

Robin: Batgirl! I still can't believe it! How could you keep something like this from me?!

Batgirl: You weren't exactly honest with me either.

Robin: But you told him! [points at Batman]

Batgirl: He knew.

Batman: It wasn't my place to tell you.

Robin: But it was your place to put her in danger?!

Batgirl: It wasn't like that! I volunteered!

Robin: You think you did! You don't know him like I do. He manipulates, pulls strings! Anything to get what he wants!

Batman: I thought we had the same goals.

Robin: Things change. I changed. The game's over, Batman. I quit.

Batman: [trying to stop him from leaving] Robin, wait--

[Robin punches Batman, knocking him down, and Batgirl gasps in shock. Robin scornfully removes his mask and cape before leaping away off the building]

---

Robin: Guess Batman had a change of heart. Who'd have thought he had one?

[He sees the Bat-Signal and draws his grappling hook]

Robin: Speak of the devil. You coming?

Nightwing: [draws his own hook] I guess it's about time.

Legends Of The Dark Knight

Joel: Hey! Who's talking about Batman? I love Batman. All those muscles, the tight rubber armor and that flashy car. I heard it can drive up walls.

Nick: Yeah, sure, Joel.

---

80s Batman: They don't even wait for an order. Kids these days. No respect.

---

Mutant Leader: I show you who rules Gotham City!

80s Batman: Okay, son. Show me.

---

80s Batman: You don't get it, son. This isn't a trash heap. It's an operating table.

[breaks the Mutant leader's leg]

80s Batman: [rain running down his face] And I'm the surgeon.

Girls' Night Out

Kara Kent: [answers phone] Hello, Dullsville Central.

Batman: Is Clark Kent there?

Kara Kent: No, may I ask who's calling?

Batman: A friend. It's critical that he gets this message.

Kara Kent: Shoot.

Batman: Livewire has escaped in Gotham. If he wants to get on top of the story, he needs to get there, right away. Do you understand?

Kara Kent: Who is this? Sounds like a cape to me.

---

Livewire: [after taking down Supergirl] At least Superman had the smarts to keep his distance. [tuts] Half the size, half the strength, and apparently, half the brains!

---

Harvey Bullock: So she smoked you.

Supergirl: We put up a fight!

Harvey Bullock: And lost. I never thought I'd hear myself saying this, but where's the Bat?

Batgirl: We're handling this.

Harvey Bullock: Oh, that's reassuring.

[He walks away and Supergirl sticks her tongue out at him]

Batgirl: Don't let that donut-dunker get to you. We're gonna have this whole thing sewn up before Batman and Superman get back.

Supergirl: Sure. How hard can it be? Two against one, right?

Batgirl: Right!

---

Poison Ivy: Your hyenas have been "watering" my plants again. One more time, and they're mulch!

Harley Quinn: Come on, Red, give 'em a break. We're all bored cooped up in here!

[She summersaults backwards and grabs a dress]

Harley Quinn: Whaddaya say we get dolled up and go into town?

Poison Ivy: America's most wanted women on a shopping spree. Cute. I've told you a thousand times: we have to keep a low profile. We can't attract Batman's attention until we have some kind of an edge.

[Livewire suddenly transports herself in via their toaster]

Livewire: Well, ladies, meet your "edge"!

---

Livewire: Pick up the cash and load it into the car! I'm going shopping!

Harley Quinn: When did we become "the gang?"

---

Batgirl: (riding on Supergirl's shoulder) Wow! This is incredible!

Supergirl: I know. It's my favorite part.

---

Livewire: Are you out of your mind?!

Harley Quinn: (Thinks for a moment) ...Yeah.

---

Penguin: (notices Harley Quinn, Poison Ivy and Livewire bickering) Ladies, Ladies, please. I run a respectable club here.

Livewire: No one's talking to you, lard butt!

Penguin: (Sneering with indignation) That's it! Out you three pixies go!

[They stop bickering and trade a smile.]

Livewire: This could be fun after all...

---

(back at the greenhouse, Harley Quinn is seen practising, while Livewire is talking to Poison Ivy)

Livewire: So this is home sweet home, huh? I guess it's okay, if you're into green.

Poison Ivy: You're not gonna get all hissy and rude again, now that we've kissed and made-up?

Livewire: No, but I could do without the mutts. (to the hyenas) Beat it!

Harley Quinn: Hey!

Poison Ivy: She has a point, Harls.

---

[After Harley, Ivy and Livewire wreck the Iceberg Lounge]

Penguin: [on the phone] That's right, I need chainsaws, dumptrucks, hedge clippers, and a bottle of aspirin down here, NOW! [groans]

[Batgirl and Supergirl walk in]

Penguin: We're closed. Besides, you aren't even old enough to come in here.

Supergirl: Wanna see my I.D.?

Penguin: No! I want Batman, Superman, or someone who can do something!

Batgirl: Like it or not, we're all you've got. You either play with us, or give up the game.

Penguin: Oh, all right. Not that I know anything, mind you.

Batgirl: [smirking] Of course not.

Penguin: But I do hear rumours, about where our little green vixen and her jaded jester may be hiding...

---

[Barbara and Kara watch Harvey Bullock being interviewed on TV]

Reporter: Livewire, Poison Ivy, Harley Quinn. So who was responsible for the collar?

Harvey Bullock: Just a couple of rookies.

Barbara Gordon: Rookies?!

Kara Kent: You bum!

Reporter: Impressive.

Harvey Bullock: Well... they show some potential.

Barbara and Kara: [high-five] YES!

Chemistry

Bruce Wayne: Everything's changed for me in the past few weeks. The pain of my parents' deaths - it's still there, but it seems... smaller. And there's a new feeling now.

Barbara Gordon: Which would be?

Bruce Wayne: It's a... a lightness, a sense that things will work out for the best.

Tim Drake: It's called happiness.

Bruce Wayne: Whatever it is, I like it. And I know who's responsible for it. I've asked Susan to marry me. She's accepted. She's everything I need. She's perfect.

Dick Grayson: There's just one problem. That.

[Dick nods over to the Batman's cape and cowl.]

Dick Grayson: How you gonna keep it from her?

Bruce Wayne: I won't have to. I've always assumed that sooner or later, the three of you would get all this. Well, it's going to be sooner. I'm not going to be Batman anymore.

---

Dick Grayson: I give it a month.

Barbara Gordon: You don't think the marriage will last?

Dick Grayson: Not that, I'm saying he will have the costume on again in a month.

Barbara Gordon: I don't think so. He's changed.

Dick Grayson: Yeah, right.

Barbara Gordon: Anyone can change and settle down...even you.

Dick Grayson: Don't get your hopes up.

Barbara Gordon: Ha! As if!

---

[Veronica activates security lasers to keep Michael away from her]

Veronica Vreeland: I wouldn't try it! Latest thing in home security - they'll fry you!

[Michael walks through the lasers, his wounds rapidly healing, all without a hint of pain]

Michael Vreeland: Ouch.

---

[Michael reveals leaves growing from his chest]

Michael Vreeland: I'm changing back.

Poison Ivy: Oh... if it's happening to you, it'll happen to the others too. I don't have as much time as I thought.

Michael Vreeland: What about me?! Veronica knows!

[Ivy rips off his human skin, revealing the humanoid plant beneath. Batgirl prevents Robin from throwing up as they watch]

Poison Ivy: Consider this your annulment.

---

Bruce: This is Poison Ivy's work, isn't it? She must have grown you in her lab, then coated you with those pheromones she uses.

Susan: The pheromones were just to get your attention. After that, it was all me. The perfect wife, so giving, so understanding.

Bruce: I should have known! It was too easy!

Susan: Relationships aren't supposed to be easy. Even I know that, and I'm just a vegetable.

---

Robin: Eat trichloroethane, broccoli-boy!

Judgment Day

Penguin: 50,000 dollars for the diamond. Not a penny more.

Killer Croc: That's robbery! That rock's worth ten times that much!

Penguin: Don't forget, as a legitimate businessman, I have my expenses too: taxes, overhead, labor.

Two-Face: And they call me two-faced.

---

Judge: Is there no honour among thieves, Mr. Cobblepot? And you're worse than a thief. Trafficking in stolen goods.

Penguin: I don't know who you are, sir, but I assure you, all my transactions were legitimate. You see, I had no actual knowledge that the items were stolen. Given that, I don't see how the law can touch me.

Judge: [draws sword) I am the law. And I find you guilty!

---

Guard 1: Another day, another toll pickup. Wish I had a nickel for every car that's been through these gates.

Guard 2: I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard you say that.

---

Judge: [fighting Croc] Court is now in session! You may approach the bench. You are accused of murder, mayhem, manslaughter. How do you plead?

Killer Croc: You're nuts!

---

Two-Face: [reading about Corcoran and the Judge] Relocation, eh? I'd like to dislocate them both.

---

Batman: Easy, Harvey, it's the good cop. I thought I'd better find you before the Judge did.

Two-Face: Don't do any favours!

---

Judge: Hear ye, hear ye! I've overridden your security, Two-Face. Court is now in session. Your punishment is long overdue. I choose death by asphyxiation. May heaven have mercy on your souls, Two-Face. Both of them.

---

Corcoran: Two-Face, please! I got money, cash! I can pay you!

Two-Face: Don't tell me choir boy's got a slush fund.

Corcoran: Kickbacks from the GothCorp project. A hundred grand, I can have it here in an hour!

Two-Face: Shoulda said somethin' earlier. We could have flipped on it.

---

Alfred: So let me understand this: in reaction to Two-Face, Harvey Dent created a third personality, one that would fight crime. A personality so separate, he even tried to kill himself without knowing it.

Bruce: That's how the Judge knew about the escape hatch in Two-Face's apartment. He knew everything about Two-Face, except that he was Two-Face.

Alfred: Poor devil. What will ever become of him now?

[In his cell in Arkham, Two-Face hears a pounding hammer and the Judge's voice in his head]

Judge: Order in the court! In the matter of the people vs. Harvey Dent, how does the prisoner plead?

Two-Face: Guilty... guilty... guilty...

Beware The Creeper

[At the abandoned Ace Chemicals factory, news reporter Jack Ryder's crew is attacked with Joker gas.]

Jack Ryder: Hey! What's going on here?! We're live!

Joker: No, I'm live; you're DEAD! [gases him.]

---

Harley Quinn: Think Bat saw you puddy tat?

Joker: Oh he did, he did. He'd never miss a show about me, he's my biggest fan, but just in case.

---

Joker: Let's show the folks at home what really happened 7 years ago. I'll be Batman, you be me.

[Joker throws Jack Ryder into the vat of chemicals.]

---

Joker: [cornered by Batman and Robin.] How about that, Bats? You broke my face and got seven years of bad luck! Are you going to try for fourteen, or are you going to raise that anchorman out of the ocean?

---

[Ryder emerges from the sewers, misshapen and demented from exposure to the Joker gas and chemicals.]

Creeper: [chuckles maniacally.] Breaking news! [sinister.] And if you broke it, you have to pay for it. And now the weather: partially ga-ga with a fifty percent chance of schizophrenia! [lurches away, cackling.]

---

Creeper: I'd better slow down, try to figure out logically what's going on here...

(sound of ticking, cuckoo clock sound, something breaking)

Creeper: Whoa, that hurt! Okay, we'll come back to that...

---

Creeper: [peaking through a bathroom window.] Excuse me, lady. I seem to be having a wee bit of an identity crisis... [the occupant screams and runs away.] Okay, I love you, buh-bye!

---

Creeper: [rooting through clothing at a thrift store.] No. Nope. No. No! [tries on a plastic Adam West-style Batman mask, then discards it.] It's been done. Any suggestions?

Thrift Store Clerk: [deadpan.] With your coloring, I'd go green.

Creeper: Gotcha.

[Emerging in his costume for the first time.]

Creeper: What about the boa? Too much?

Thrift Store Clerk: Not for you, baby.

Creeper: [intense.] I want to strike terror into the hearts of criminals.

Thrift Store Clerk: Cash or plastic?

[The Creeper slaps the Batman mask down on the counter.]

Creeper: Plastic! [manic chuckle.]

Thrift Store Clerk: Ha. Funny.

---

Joker: I can't believe it: the buzz on the street is that someone's stealing my routine! Isn't there any honor among thieves?

---

Creeper: [confronting the Joker's goons.] I know you. Last time we met, you were working for - dramatic pause - THE JOKER!

Henchman Mo: We don't know nothin' about no Joker, creep.

Creeper: Creep? Creep?! [beat.] I like it. My new name: the Creep? Nah wait, too negative...I have it! I am...drumroll, please. [Long pause.] I said "Drumroll, please"! [he drums on one of the goons' heads.]

Henchman Cur: Hey!

Creeper: I am... the Creeper! [grabs goon.] So tell me, from one sociopath to another, where's the Joker?

Henchman Lar: His girlfriend's throwin' him a party, invitation only.

Creeper: Darn it! Left the invite in my other pants! So, what's the address again?

---

[On seeing Harley Quinn for the first time, Creeper becomes smitten with her.]

Harley: Hey! You're the creep who's been stealing Mister J's act!

Creeper: Not me. I'm one of a kind, toots.

Harley: What do you want?

Creeper: The inside story on the Joker. Also your phone number. [flirtatious growl.]

---

[Harley Quinn has dropped a huge shipping crate on the Creeper.]

Batman: We have to get him out.

Robin: Got a mop?

[The Creeper emerges, unscathed.]

Creeper: Whoo! I like a girl who plays rough.

Robin: But... she just tried to kill you!

Creeper: You're young. You'll learn.

Batman: Who are you?

Creeper: [sinister] They call me... "Yellow-Skinned Wacky Man"! But I prefer "the Creeper."

Robin: Call Arkham, quick.

---

Creeper: Jilted madman stalks crazy clown girl - film at eleven!

Robin: "Film at eleven"? You don't think... ?

Batman: The chemicals in the vat could have interacted with Joker's laughing gas. And he had Ryder's credit card.

Robin: You mean... That's Jack Ryder? The news guy?

Batman: What's left of him.

---

Creeper: [confronting the Joker.] Wow! It DOES strike terror into the hearts of criminals!

Harley Quinn: He's the creep who's stealing your act!

Creeper: And that's not all, Mr. Happy! [grabs Harley Quinn and starts slobbering over her.] I'm stealing your girl, too!

Harley Quinn: I swear, Mr. J, I didn't encourage him.

Joker: [yanks her back into his arms.] That's okay, pooh. I know you're a one-man loon.

---

Robin: [re. The Creeper.] Which way did he go?

[An explosion is heard.]

Batman: That way.

---

Creeper: Aww. Sweetie got a boo-boo?

[Harley hits him with a huge mallet.]

Harley Quinn: Aww. Creepo got a concussion?

---

[Surrendering to Batman, re. The Creeper.]

Joker: He's a lunatic!

Mad Love

Commissioner Gordon: I don't mind telling you, I really hate these check-ups. If it weren't part of the police physical, I wouldn't be here at all.

Dentist: Oh, come now, Commissioner. What in this miserable world is more beautiful...

[turns around]

Joker: ...THAN A NICE, BIG SMILE? (laughs)

[Gordon bolts up from the chair, but is lassoed back in by a shot from Harley.]

Harley Quinn: Naughty, naughty. Jump around like that and the doctor won't give you a lollipop.

---

Joker: [tossing a grenade into Gordon's lap] May the floss be with you!

[As Joker and Harley escape, Batman hurls the grenade out the window and shields Gordon from the blast, then plucks out his gag.]

Commissioner Gordon: I REALLY hate these check-ups.

---

[Harley cuddles up to the Joker wearing a nightgown]

Harley: [seductively] A-hem. [The Joker ignores her] A-HEM!

The Joker: Go away! I'm busy.

Harley: Aww, c'mon, Mr. J., don't you wanna rev up your Harley? Vroom-vroom!

[The Joker pushes her aside, annoyed]

Joker: Batman was right! That teeth gag WAS predictable. Old hat. It's time I capped off our feud with his ultimate humiliation... followed by his deliciously delirious death.

Harley: Why don't ya just shoot him?

Joker: [appalled] "Just shoot him"?! Know this, my sweet: the death of Batman must be nothing less than a masterpiece! The triumph of my sheer comic genius over his ridiculous mask and gadgets!

---

Harley: Face it, Harls, this stinks! You're a certified nutso wanted in 12 states and hopelessly in love with a psychopathic clown! At what point did my life go Looney Tunes?

---

Harleen Quinzel: Care to tell me how this got in my office?

Joker: I put it there.

Harleen Quinzel: I think the guards would be interested to know you've been out of your cell.

Joker: If you really were going to tell, you already would have. You know, sweets, I like what I've heard about you, especially the name, Harleen Quinzel. Rework it a bit, and you get Harley Quinn.

Harleen Quinzel: Like the clown character, "Harlequin". I know. I've heard it before.

Joker: It's a name that puts a smile on my face. It makes me feel there's someone here I can relate to. Someone who might like to hear my secrets.

---

Harleen Quinzel: [voiceover] It took me three months to set up a session. I studied all his tricks and gimmicks, and felt I was ready for anything.

The Joker: You know, my father used to beat me up pretty badly.

Harleen Quinzel: [voiceover] Anything except that.

The Joker: Anytime I got out of line - POW! Or sometimes I would be just sitting there, doing nothing - BAM! Pops tended to favor the grape, you see.

Harleen Quinzel: [moved] Uh-huh.

The Joker: There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the circus when I was 7. I still remember the clowns, running around and dropping their pants. [laughs] My old man laughed so hard, I thought he'd bust a gut. So, the very next night, I ran to meet him with his best Sunday pants around my ankles. "Hi, dad, look at me!" ZOOP! [drop his pants] Then, I took a big pratfall and tore the crotch clean out of his pants! [He starts laughing; Harleen Quinzel laughs along with him until tears show in her eyes]

The Joker: ...And then he broke my nose.

[Harleen abruptly stops laughing and looks at the Joker with concern]

The Joker: But hey, that's the downside of comedy. You're always taking shots from people who just don't get the joke. Like my dad... [snarls] or Batman!

---

Harley Quinn: Knock, knock, puddin'. Say hello to your new, improved Harley Quinn!

---

Harley Quinn: Sweet dreams, sucker.

---

Harley: It's just me, B-Man. No Joker, no gas bombs, no city in peril - just you, that tank and me.

Batman: Why?

Harley: To show Mr. J I could really pull off one of his plans! See, he could never get these fishies to smile, but then I had the bright idea of hanging the victim - that's you - upside down. That way to you, it'll look like they're smiling! Clever?

Batman: [deadpan] Brilliant.

Harley: Yeah, yeah, I can tell you're less than thrilled. You know, for what it's worth, I actually enjoyed some of our romps. But there comes a time when a gal wants more, and now all this gal wants is to settle down with her loving sweetheart.

Batman: [incredulous] You and the Joker?

Harley: Right-a-rooney!

[Batman begins, amazingly, to laugh]

Harley: I've never seen you laugh before! I don't think I like it!

[Batman continues, laughing even louder, cynically, cruelly and sardonically]

Harley: [deeply unsettled] Cut it out! You're giving me the creeps!

Batman: You little fool! The Joker doesn't love anything except himself. Wake up, Harleen! He had you pegged for hired help the minute you walked into Arkham.

Harley: That's not... no. No! He told me things! Secret things he never told anybody!

Batman: Was it his line about the abusive father? [Harley looks shocked] Or the one about the runaway mom? He's gained a lot of sympathy with that one.

Harley: STOP IT! YOU'RE MAKING ME CONFUSED!

Batman: What was it he told that one parole officer? Oh, yes. "There was only one time I ever saw dad really happy. He took me to the ice show when I was seven..."

[Harley begins to sob]

Harley: [softly] The circus...he said it was the circus...

Batman: He's got a million of them, Harley.

[Harley pauses before wiping away her tears]

Harley: YOU'RE WRONG! MY PUDDIN' DOES LOVE ME, HE DOES! You're the problem! And now you're gonna die and make everything right!

[She starts to lower him into the tank, laughing softly.]

Batman: Except he'll never believe you did it.

Harley: [stops] Huh? Sure he will!

Batman: How's Joker going to know I'm really gone? All those fish will leave are scraps of bone and cloth. Anyone can fake that. [Harley's eyes flick to his utility belt, draped over a counter.] True, you've got my belt, but it's not the same as a body. He'll never buy it.

[Harley bites her nails nervously, pondering her next move.]

---

[The Joker is pacing restlessly back and forth, trying to think of a plan to kill Batman. He has hundreds of them written on paper, and tosses each one aside and deems it unusable. The telephone rings repeatedly in the background.]

Joker: Boring...lame...not funny...it's been done...too Riddler!

[The Joker, annoyed and angry, finally grabs the phone]

Joker: WHAT?!? ... [casually] Harley? Oh, where the heck have you been, hmm? Mm-hmm? Yeah, yeah... Batman, eh? You don't say... [suddenly sits bolt upright] YOU HAVE WHO TIED UP WHERE?!?

---

Harley: But puddin', I don't understand! Didn't you want to finally get rid of Batman?

Joker: Only if I do it, idiot!

Harley: But it's still your plan, see? [shows him his blueprints] Everything just like you said, except I hung the guy upside down so he sees the little frowns as little smiles! Now it all works!

Joker: Except you had to explain it to me! If you have to explain a joke, THERE IS NO JOKE! [tears up the blueprints in anger]

Harley: [grabbing a swordfish to defend herself] Now calm down, puddin'...

Joker: You've forgotten what I told you a long time ago. One of the painful truths of comedy: YOU ALWAYS TAKE SHOTS FROM FOLKS WHO JUST DON'T GET THE JOKE!

[He snatches the swordfish and whacks her with it, sending her tumbling out the window]

Joker: And don't call me "puddin'".

---

Joker: You know what they say: "a bat in the hand is worth two in the belfry." I guess you're going out on a laugh after all!

---

Batman: She almost had me, you know. Arms and legs chained, dizzy from the blood rushing to my head - I had no way out other than convincing her to call you. I knew your massive ego would never allow anyone else the honor of killing me. Though I have to admit, she came a lot closer than you ever did... "puddin'!"

---

Harley: [weakly] My fault...I didn't get the joke...

---

Harley Quinn: (Bandaged in bed at Arkham, after her fall from the window, thinking) Never again. No more obsession, no more craziness, no more Joker. I finally see that slime for what he is...a murderous, manipulative, irredeemable...

[Sees a single rose in a vase near her bed, with a note reading "Feel better soon. - J" attached]

Harley: [Smiling] angel!

Related quotes

From Superman: The Animated Series

World's Finest

Terrorist: Let's make an example of this HERO. A very tragic example, I'm afraid, Miss...?

Lois Lane: Lane.

Terrorist: Lane? Lois Lane? The one Superman always saves?

Lois Lane: 'Fraid so.

---

Lois Lane: Um...Superman?

Superman: Yes?

Lois Lane: Um, how can I put this...I was just thinking, it might be nice to see each other when I wasn't--I don't know, falling out a window or something. Not that I'm not grateful for all the times you've helped me, you understand.

Superman: I understand.

Lois Lane: You do?

[explosion in the distance, bank robbers getting away]

Superman: It's the First National Bank.

Lois Lane: You better go. People might-- [Superman takes off] --get hurt. [starts walking dejectedly away] I understand, Lois. Really, you do! Yep, you're a complete moron. Why, thank you, Superman, I think I'm a total loser too...geez.

---

Lex Luthor: What makes you think you can kill Superman when you can't even handle a mere mortal in a Halloween costume?

Joker: [seizes Luthor by his jacket] There's nothing "mere" about THAT mortal.

---

Joker: [to Luthor] I sense we are kindred spirits, you and I. Although there are differences, to be sure... like hair.

---

Clark Kent: I hear Wayne's deal with Lexcorp could run into the billions. He's a high roller.

Lois Lane: I hear he's nothing but Gotham trash. Rich, spoiled, and-- [Bruce Wayne walks off the plane] --absolutely gorgeous.

---

Lex Luthor: The joint chiefs have shown tremendous interest. It doesn't take much imagination to envision these robots on the battlefield.

Bruce Wayne: Except...I won't allow it.

Lex Luthor: What?

Bruce Wayne: I don't like guns.

...

Bruce Wayne: Blame it on me, Lex. Tell your pals at the Pentagon...I just don't have the imagination.

---

Bruce Wayne: So, he just appears when there's trouble? No special signal?

Lois Lane: He's not like your BATMAN, thank God.

---

Superman: I heard you were crazy. I didn't think you were stupid. [uses X-ray vision to see through Batman's cowl] Bruce Wayne?

Batman: You peeked.

---

Lois Lane: Clark, keep an eye on Bruce, will you? I'll be right back.

Clark Kent: Actually, Lois--

Lois Lane: Don't be intimidated. Regale him with madcap tales of the nightlife in Smallville.

---

Clark Kent: Let's just say I'm concerned. Your reputation is...dubious, in and out of costume.

Bruce Wayne: Don't worry, I'm taking Lois quite seriously. [leans down] Besides, it seems to me you HAD your chance.

---

[Superman busts into a Lexcorp lab]

Joker: More powerful than a locomotive...and just about as subtle.

---

Joker: [to an incapacitated Superman] Feel free to expire at any time!

---

Superman: Thank you. I couldn't have saved Lois without your help.

Batman: I'm aware of that.

---

Bruce Wayne: I could always...ask him.

---

Lois Lane: [just saw Batman unmasked] So when were you gonna tell me--the honeymoon?

---

Lois Lane: How could you've lied to me like that?

Bruce Wayne: Now, I never actually said I wasn't Batman...ow!

---

Lois Lane: I'll get some iodine for that scrape. Burning, stinging iodine.

---

Joker: Look at all the toys! Santa's been good to you, Lex.

---

Batman: See anything?

Superman: Luthor's been lining his buildings with lead. It blocks my x-ray vision.

Batman: Well, there's always the direct approach.

Superman: [punches in the door, bows Batman inside]

Batman: You're learning.

---

Joker: Batman. It's always Batman!

---

[The Lexwing has just crashed into the ocean, exploding, with the Joker inside]

Harley Quinn: Puddin'!

Batman: At this point, he probably is.

---

Bruce Wayne: Come to make sure I'm leaving?

Clark Kent: Actually, I thought we worked pretty well together. Not that I want to make it a regular event.

Bruce Wayne: She's all yours, now--if you can handle that. But you'd better be good to her, 'cause I know where you live.

---

[Batman takes evidence and leaves]

Detective Harvey Bullock: Hey, he can't leave a crime scene with evidence.

Commissioner James Gordon: You want to stop him? Be my guest!

---

[to Bruce Wayne, on dating Lois Lane]

Joker: My, you do live dangerously. Don't you realize you're moving in on Superman's main squeeze?

---

Joker: Caesar Carlini, my old pal! Why I haven't seen you since... wait, I've never seen you, have I? You need to get out more.

---

[Batman busts in on a Metropolis thug]

Batman: Where's the Joker?

Binko: Who knows? Making Ha-Ha with Harley Quinn.

Knight Time

Superman: I didn't think you were foolish enough to make trouble in my town.

Roxy Rocket: Well, with Batman missing, the other crooks in Gotham are picking the city clean. I thought I'd try my luck here.

Superman: Back up. What do you mean, Batman missing?

Roxy Rocket: I thought you'd know. Don't all you spandex boys have club meetings or something?

Superman: We're not exactly friends.

Roxy Rocket: Aww. I'll be your friend.

---

Superman: Where's your boss?

Robin: Around.

Superman: Okay, let's try this another way: where's Bruce?

---

Commissioner Gordon: This was taken by airport security two hours ago. I thought you'd be interested. [hands over a photo]

Superman-as-Batman: [takes it, stares at it nonplussed]

Commissioner Gordon: [points] Right here. Look familiar?

Robin: [wanders off a ways, whispers] Bane.

Superman-as-Batman: Ah, yes. Bane.

---

Robin: That was close.

Superman-as-Batman: [searching the utility belt for a grapple] You're telling me. The sooner we find your boss, the better.

Robin: Right side.

---

Robin: So how'd you do Batman's voice?

Superman: [As Batman] Precise muscle control. [As Robin] Plus I have a pretty good ear.

Robin: [Pauses, creeped out] Don't do that again.

---

Superman-as-Batman: All this sneaking around isn't exactly my style.

Robin: What do you mean? It's half the fun!

---

Robin: See what I mean about him acting strange? He's smiling!

---

The Penguin: Even if I did know where to find the Mad Hatter, I'm no stool pigeon. Why should I tell you?

Superman-as-Batman: A man's life is in danger. Isn't that enough?

The Penguin: You're breaking my heart.

Robin: [Whispers] Kick over the desk. [Superman looks uncertain, hesitating] Just do it!

Superman-as-Batman: [Kicks the desk over and into the wall] I won't ask twice.

The Penguin: All right, no need to get your feathers ruffled. It happens our capped compadre is attending a meeting of notable ne'er-do-wells. They're hatching a plot to capitalize on your... purported disappearance.

Superman-as-Batman: [Lifts him of the ground by his collar] Where?

Robin: Now he's gettin' it.

---

Bane: By combining our talents, we will rule Gotham City. Anyone we wish to imprison, you, Riddler, will entrap. Any from whom we require allegiance, you, Hatter, will control. And any that stand in our way, I will break.

---

Robin: He's really being controlled by aliens? Eugh.

Superman: I'm deeply hurt.

Robin: Sorry.

---

Batman: I hear the city's been busy.

Superman: Nothing the kid couldn't handle. I have to say, for a guy who's supposed to be such a loner, you sure know how to pick a partner.

From the comic book Batman: Gotham Adventures

Joker: [to Batgirl] Yikes, what does Guano-man do? Send you all to Sidekicks' Pun School? You're even more irritating than the boy.

---

Joker: [checking a map] Let me see... let me see... This can't be Pismo Beach. No sand. I knew I should have taken that left turn at Albuquerque.

---

[As Batman attempts to make sense of Riddler's wordplay using the Batcomputer]

Joker: Only you would solve a riddle with a computer, Butt-man! You've got the sense of humour of a rock! Lucky thing I'm on the team now, for stuff like this. But if I have to wear a flying animal costume, I want to be the Squirrel.

Batman: Don't make me gag you.

Joker: You do and I'll sue. I have the right to remain noisy.

From Kids' WB! promos

Batman: Time for bed.

Tim Drake: All right, but a deal's a deal!

Batman: No way.

Tim Drake: You promised!

Batman: Rrrrg. [singing] Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff... All right, good night.

Tim Drake: The whole thing!

Batman: Hmmmph. [singing] Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff, Jiiiiig-uh-leeeee-puff...

---

Robin: Hey, I put the capes in the dryer!

Batman: Huh?

Robin: On extra hot!

Batman: [strictly] Dry clean only.

Robin: Euuuh...

[Later]

Batman: How do you expect me to fight crime wearing THIS?! [turns around to reveal his cape is the size of a baby bib]

---

[teaching Robin to drive the Batmobile]

Batman: Let's take it by the numbers, nice and easy...

[the Batmobile speeds off]

Batman: Brake, brake! Don't look at me, keep your eyes on the road!

[CRASH!]

Batman: Rrrrggh! You know what this means...

[Robin pedals to their next caper on a bicycle]

---

Joker: Hey folks! Joker here with the Kids' WB! Guide to Villainy. Today's lesson: hand gestures. Here we see the 'Come and get me' finger curl that no superhero can resist.

[Harley Quinn performs said finger curl at Superman and shoots him with a grappling gun, knocking him down.]

Joker: Nice form, Harls!

---

Daphne: Hey, fans! Daphne here in for Joker because after The New Batman Adventures catch my music video.

External links

Encyclopedic article on The New Batman Adventures on Wikipedia