The Batman

The Batman (2004-2008) is an animated television series produced by Warner Bros. Animation based on the DC Comics superhero Batman that aired in the Saturday morning television block Kids' WB. Although the series borrows many elements from previous Batman storylines, it does not follow the continuity set by the comic books, the film series, nor that of Batman: The Animated Series and its spin-offs.

Season 1

The Bat in the Belfry [1.01]

Joker: Takes after his pa, wouldn't you say?

[Batman comes face-to-face with Joker, a clown with white skin, green hair and a huge red grin on his face]

Batman: What did you do to him?

Joker: Just some laughing gas, drag. Don't tell me you're not an inmate. [jumps down] What rational being dresses like you?! Speaking of threads, think this is a good look for me?

Batman: Who are you?

Joker: Joker.

Batman: Not what. Who?

[Batman places one hand on Joker's face. There is no sign of white paint on his hand]

Joker: Smear-free. It's "perma-clown"! Ooh, tough crowd. Look. Nothing up my sleeves. Ha, ha. [reveals a weapon] Nothing that won't put a smile on your face. Say cheese! [Batman throws a batarang, which knocks Joker's weapon out of his hand] I'm out of gas.

Batman: And I'm out of patience!

[Batman punches Joker]

Joker: You really know how to spoil a coming-out party. How do you expect me to spread mirth and whimsy without a proper hideout?!

Batman: Listen, Joker, you're sick. You need help.

Joker: Well, maybe I am a little off. [kicks Batman] But what are you gonna do? Lock me in the loony bin? I'm already here!

---

Joker: Stop me if you've heard this one, Batman. There were these two fellows in an abandoned party favor factory. One says to the other--

Batman: Where are you keeping the gas, Joker?

Joker: You call that a punchline?

Batman: I don't share your sense of humor.

Joker: Yet we're linked, you and I. Like comedy and tragedy. Two sides, same coin.

Batman: The gas, Joker! Or I vow I will turn your smile upside down.

Joker: If it's gas you want... [He throws a playing card at a brown bag, which falls to the stage floor. Batman dodges it in time] Place all tray tables in their upright positions! [Joker laughs maniacally as his balloon takes off]

---

Joker: [after Batman foiled his plan] You have made me one very SAD CLOWN! [discovers that Batman is gone] Where'd you go?!

Batman: Knock-knock.

Joker: Who's... there?

[Batman punches Joker]

Traction [1.02]

Bane: The Batman, I presume?

Batman: The masked look must really be catching on.

Bane: Defeat me, and I will allow you to remove it.

Batman: Hate to disappoint, but I don't fight for sport.

Bane: Then, fight for your life!

---

Batman: Talk to me. You can start with name and motive.

Bane: I am Bane, the last opponent you will ever face.

Call of the Cobblepot [1.03]

Penguin: Well, well, well - come to help with the dusting, Jeevesy?

Alfred Pennyworth: Actually, I just popped in to reclaim some missing property.

Penguin: Fine, you can use it to serve me more of those shrimp puffs.

Alfred Pennyworth: The days of Pennyworths serving Cobblepots are long since over!

Penguin: Huh? You're a Pennyworth?

Alfred Pennyworth: And the only thing keeping me from walloping you soundly is the shame that the news of the incident would bring upon my Master Bruce.

Penguin: Wayne, shmayne. The good old days when Cobblepots were king are coming back, 'cause I'm gonna restore the Cobblepot name to its former wealth and glory!

Alfred Pennyworth: Hmm. If you intend to do so by pilfering, it may take a while.

Penguin: Not as long as you think, old man. [points at the pile of riches stolen by his birds]

---

Penguin: Just one question, Batman: how'd you find me?

Batman: You left a trail of breadcrumbs, Cobblepot.

Penguin: Please, now that all pretences are off, call me Penguin - a flightless bird, but one with style!

---

Ethan Bennett: In some ways, man, I'm glad freaks like this Penguin bring out the Batman.

Bruce Wayne: Hopefully, it's not the Batman who brings out the freaks.

The Man Who Would Be Bat [1.04]

Batman: This has to end now before you start feeding on humans.

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: Oh, I'm so close to my goal. Two more doses of my formula, and the Man-Bat will rule the night forever.

---

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: I want to be like the Batman.

Bruce Wayne: You want to be a crime fighter?

Dr. Kirk Langstrom: No, Mr. Wayne, I want to be feared. You've forced me to accelerate my testing schedule, and pity that the Batman himself can't be here to witness. [drinks the serum] The birth of Man-Bat!

The Big Chill [1.05]

Batman: You keep talking as we met, Mr... Victor Fries? But you're... [Mr. Freeze freezes Batman]

Mr. Freeze: If I'm no longer living, Batman, you are the one who iced me. Allow me to return the favor.

---

Mr. Freeze: I'm king of the mountain! The new emperor of Gotham! So get used to the weather.

Batman: No, Freeze, this is my mountain.

The Cat and the Bat [1.06]

[On the TV]

Robinson Sprang: So, would you say the idea of a Batman/Catwoman link wasn't so farfetched after all?

Ellen Yin: Yes, it's clear now that they work together to take down Katsu... as a vigilante team.

[Bruce groans]

Alfred Pennyworth: Not quite what I had in mind when I encouraged you to meet women who share your interests, Master Bruce. But it's a start.

Batman: If Catwoman were somehow, some way able to trace the signal back here-

Alfred Pennyworth: We would have to rename it "The Catcave."

The Big Heat [1.07]

Batman: Firefly.

Firefly: Batman. [laughs] I see you survived your crack-up.

Batman: I know about GothCorp.

Firefly: What? Is that a rock band or something?

---

Bruce Wayne: GothCorp is involved in investigations, allegations, resignations; too many "ations" for my tastes.

Q & A [1.08]

Herbert Ziegler: Who are you?

Cluemaster: The man you cheated! [He reveals his face, but there is a long silence as the victims are puzzled] Arthur Brown, from the show!

---

Bruce Wayne: [about his childhood; why he couldn't play] There was work to do.

Alfred Pennyworth: Play is the work of a child.

---

Cluemaster: Bonus round! Stump Cluemaster and they go free!

Batman: Well, that doesn't seem fair. Is there anything the great Arthur Brown doesn't know?

Cluemaster: You'll find out.

Batman: What can I ask you about?

Cluemaster: Anything!

Batman: No topic is off-limits?

Cluemaster: History, science, literature...

Batman: Music? Biology? Current events?

Cluemaster: Anything! Let's go already!

Batman: Okay. Name the true identity of... the Batman.

Cluemaster: Trick question! Ask another!

Batman: You said I could ask anything.

Cluemaster: NO FAIR!

The Big Dummy [1.09]

Alfred Pennyworth: The young man you were expecting apologizes. He won't be able to attend, I'm afraid.

Becky: Let me guess. He's married.

Alfred Pennyworth: To his work.

---

Ventriloquist: Only one heist away from retirement and the clean, honest work of a cowboy.

Batman: You know... Gotham Penitentiary has a thriving retirement community.

Topsy Turvy [1.10]

The Joker: [mutters to himself in his cell, until Batman appears] The Batman! What if I hadn't been decent?

Batman: You're never decent, Joker. Why bother adding a stand-in to your card collection instead of me?

The Joker: [Laughs] To drive you batty, of course. And look, it's working.

Batman: [Grabs Joker] Answers, Joker.

The Joker: Do you really think I'd send a flunky to eliminate my favorite sparring partner? I reserve that pleasure for me alone.

Batman: Then why -

The Joker: Because I miss your company, Batman. [Batman pushes Joker aside] We're two sides of the same card. After all, you knew where I'd send my look-a-like to find you. And I knew all along that if I left a trail of breadcrumbs, you'd gobble them up!

Batman: Joker, you're not making sense. Why convince an orderly to do your dirty work when you could just have him unlock your cell?

The Joker: Because you've always been my ace, Batman. My ace in the hole! [Laughs and pulls out two sticks and plays a tune with no notes]

Batman: What?

[Joker blows out green Joker gas at Batman's face, causing him to collapse]

The Joker: [Cackles] I don't need you in my card collection. I never play with a full deck! [Laughs]

---

Joker: Welcome to Joker's revenge-o-rama! Introducing my first guest, [unveils Wigzell] Judge Horace Wigzell! He's such a card! [presses button, canned laughter plays] Now, why are you here? [in Southern accent] Because y'all done me wrong! [to the Judge] Wigzy, you sentenced me to life in the loony bin! [to Yin and Bennett] Detectives, you arrested me; Shame on you! [to Bagley] Bagley, how many times have I told you, I hate macaroni and cheese! Oh, how I've wanted to deck you all, and deck you I shall! [knocks Wigzell into the river] Go fish! [presses button, canned applause plays]

Bird of Prey [1.11]

Alfred Pennyworth: What has Master Bruce ever done to you?

The Penguin: Oh, nothing. Nothing really. Except own everything that should rightfully belong to me! I am from noble blood! The Cobblepots were once the toast of society! I am a Cobblepot!

---

Mel Bramwell: Get it all?

Cameraman: I hope so. It's a dark night.

Mel Bramwell: 'The Dark Knight'. Now that has a ring to it...

The Rubberface of Comedy [1.12]

Chief Angel Rojas: He made you look like clowns. Six months ago, Gotham had the lowest crime rate in the nation. Yesterday, we were declared the world's scariest city! And that was before Joker's latest escapade.

Gotham P.D. Member 1: But, chief, most of the guys on that board are in prison now, or Arkham.

Chief Angel Rojas: And who received credit for those busts? You? Or you, Yin? I know it wasn't you, Bennett. So tell me, who?

Gotham P.D. Member 2: Well, the Batman, I guess.

Chief Angel Rojas: That's right. The Batman. Well, I'm tired of clowns and vigilantes turning my department into a laughing stock. So say hello to my new zero-tolerance policy against all these freaks. No exceptions. And, for starters, I want Gotham's finest to take down Joker before the Batman does. Capeesh?

Detective Ethan Bennett: Chief Rojas, I'm going out on a limb here, but I've been thinking maybe we'd have more success if we tried working with Bats.

Chief Angel Rojas: Working with the Batman? Maybe you could wear spandex and be the Bat's sidekick! You'd better figure out where your loyalties lie, Detective, and fast!

---

Joker: Hold the mayo! I'm the vandal here! You mean to tell me the Chief of Police considers this... vigilante a greater menace than the Clown Prince of Crime?! Why, that's an outrage! An insult! In fact, detective, I resemble that remark!

Clayface of Tragedy [1.13]

Clayface: Come on in, Batman. It's time to say our goodbyes to Chief Rojas.

Batman: Let him go.

Clayface: What, you don't approve, Bats? After all, to Rojas here, we're both on the wrong side of the law.

Batman: It doesn't matter what he thinks. It's the code you live by that matters. And you don't wanna cross a line that you can't uncross.

Clayface: Maybe you haven't noticed, Bats, but my line's been crossed for good!

Detective Ellen Yin: Ethan, no!

Ethan Bennett: It's not cool to give away the secret identity, Yin. [transforms into Detective Ellen Yin] Not that it matters. [transforms into Bruce Wayne] When I can be anyone I choose. [transforms into Batman] And when I'm no longer sure what I am. [transforms into The Joker] Except a freak! [laughs] You know what separates the freaks from the normals? Just one rotten day. Ever had a really rotten day, Batman? [transforms back into Clayface]

Clayface: Thought so.

Batman: Joker's rotten to the core by choice. A choice that's still yours to make, Detective.

Detective Ellen Yin: Turn yourself in, Ethan. We can help you.

Clayface: You don't get it, do you? Joker didn't just melt my skin, he melted my mind! I am a freak, inside and out! And Chief Rojas has zero-tolerance for the likes of me!

---

Ellen Yin: [about Clayface] He could be anywhere.

Bruce Wayne: He could be anyone.

Season 2

The Cat, the Bat, and the Very Ugly [2.01]

Catwoman: Cats and birds are natural enemies, you know.

Penguin: Now, with enemies like you, cat chickie, who needs friends?

---

Catwoman: You read Ancient Egyptian?

Batman: The pictures help.

Riddled [2.02]

Ellen Yin: Riddler, you're a maniac!

Riddler: I prefer the term "Brainiac".

---

Ellen Yin: Four sides facing north. The house is at the South Pole, so it's a polar bear. The answer is "white." [Batman ignores the trap] Aren't you taking a risk?

Batman: There are no bears at the South Pole. This riddle has no answer.

Ellen Yin: Riddler cheated?

Batman: Riddler quit. He's through playing.

---

Batman: What's black and blue and green all over? [hits Riddler]

Fire & Ice [2.03]

Alfred Pennyworth: [to Bruce] Or perhaps it is just your way of seeking what the Batman cannot have: the approval of Gotham's finest. [Bruce gives Alfred a look, sarcastically] Yes, I'm fired, I know.

---

Ellen Yin: Wayne, I know your secret.

Bruce Wayne: Excuse me?

Ellen Yin: It's been quite an act. You really had me snowed.

Bruce Wayne: I don't know what you...

Ellen Yin: Want me to spell it out for you? There's two sides to Bruce Wayne. Most people look at you and think "Rich party boy, only does the charity thing for the PR". But I can see this isn't a front. You really DO care.

Bruce Wayne: [Sighs in relief] Boy, you've really got my number.

The Laughing Bat [2.04]

Mayor: I don't know what you're after, but you will be stopped.

Joker: The only thing I'm after, Mayor, are the bad guys.

Mayor: Then how do you justify what you did to three of Gotham P.D.'s finest today?! And for what - speeding?! It was a police chase!

Joker: No one's above the law. [places a note on his desk]

Mayor: [reading] "Bill for services rendered. One million dollars?!" What?!

Joker: Crime-fighting ain't charity work, you know.

Mayor: And if the city doesn't comply?

Joker: Then Gotham pays... dearly. [starts laughing maniacally as per usual, then stops and clears his throat] Sorry. [heads for the window] I must say, Mayor - of all the scum I've taken down so far, it was your wife who disappointed me the most.

Mayor: [shocked] My wife? Sheila? What have you done to Sheila?!

Joker: Eleven items at a ten-item grocery checkout. She had it coming.

[He jumps out the window, laughing. The Mayor rushes to the window, finding his wife trussed up in a rope, with a grin frozen on her face]

Mayor: Sheila... Sheila!

---

[The Joker, still dressed as Batman, finds two young girls drawing on a pavement in chalk]

Joker: Well, well, well. Graffiti! That's a pretty serious offense, girls. But that's why I became a crime-fighter - to take out garbage like you!

[He leaps towards them, but Batman knocks him away]

Batman: The costume party's over, Joker.

Joker: Joker? Didn't you hear? The Clown Prince of Crime's checked out. He just couldn't take anymore. Couldn't take the Batman. Always there to thwart his latest scheme. Well, it was really starting to drive him mad! [Batman grabs Joker] But then Joker thought, if he couldn't beat the Bat, he'd be the Bat. [chuckles]

Batman: Think Gotham has one Batman too many.

Joker: Which means one of us has gotta go.

Batman: My thoughts exactly.

---

Penguin: Huh? Joker?!

Joker: I'm the Batman.

Penguin: You see, the thing is... you're not!

Joker: The eggs, Penguin, or I scramble you.

Penguin: Are you out of your gourd?! I'm in the middle of a heist! You don't see me barging in on your "gas all of Gotham" schemes, do you?! It is called professional courtesy!

Joker: Sorry, Pengy, but bringing down Gotham's second biggest criminal means my biggest bounty yet.

Penguin: "Second biggest"?! Says who?!

---

Batman: Stop me if you heard this one before, Joker. A man walks into a bar... [Throws Joker against a street lamp]

Joker: Ow!

Batman: ...and said "Ow".

Joker: [starts to laugh] Good one, Batman. Said "Ow". [laughs even harder] Who knew you had it in you? [laughs some more]

Batman: That's the Joker I know.

Swamped [2.05]

Killer Croc: You sure got a lot of bloodhound in you... for a bat.

---

Batman: [about Croc's plan] Tens of thousands will be killed.

Killer Croc: And I'll shed a crocodile tear for each and every one of 'em.

Pets [2.06]

Bruce Wayne: [to the raccoon] Nice mask.

Alfred Pennyworth: In case you were considering taking on a sidekick, sir?

Bruce Wayne: Don't worry, Alfred. I think Penguin and I have had enough of "pets" for the time being.

---

Penguin: You and your doo doo are going the way of the dodo!

Meltdown [2.07]

Orderly: Time for your medicine, Joker.

Joker: But my dear flunkie, you left the meds outside.

[Orderly changing to Clayface]

Clayface: That's not the kind of medicine I had in mind!

---

Batman: You have options.

Clayface: Like prison or Arkham? Hmm. I pick eliminating witnesses!

Batman: That's the clay talking, Bennett.

Clayface: How do you know where Bennett ends and Clayface begins?

JTV [2.08]

Joker: Didn't we all learn an important lesson today? That's right, with a positive attitude and a smile, maybe, just maybe, we can all get along?

---

Joker: [During the "Telethon"] We've just received fifty dollars from: Grandma Shades! She says: "Please don't harm my grandson, I beg you". Human compassion at it's finest!

Ragdolls to Riches [2.09]

Catwoman: Come on, don't be a sour puss. Right, the cat's eyes were a legend, weren't they, so no one will know they're missing because they aren't even suppose to be here. [Batman glares at her] Not even one?

---

Ragdoll: Kitten's got claws.

Catwoman: [cracks her whip] Kitten's got a whip!

---

Selina Kyle: Who knew Gotham's wealthiest bachelor had such a grip.

Bruce Wayne: Yours is not as bad as yourself...err, your grip.

Selina Kyle: A firm handshake is a must in my life.

Bruce Wayne: And you are?

Selina Kyle: Selina Kyle.

The Butler Did It [2.10]

Bruce Wayne: Well, it's no Arkham Asylum, but it should hold you.

Alfred Pennyworth: It shall suffice, sir. All I need is some reading. And a spot of tea. Oh, and a telly! To watch live coverage of the Batman foiling Spellbinder, of course!

Bruce Wayne: [with a British accent] Right away, then, sir!

---

Batman: A strong mind...perceives its own reality!

Spellbinder: Question is: How strong IS your mind?

Grundy's Night [2.11]

Batman: A shape-shifter in a wax museum... Great.

---

Bruce Wayne: Any good costumes this round?

Alfred Pennyworth: If you consider Joker, Penguin, and Catwoman "good"...

Bruce Wayne: I guess it's more fun to be the bad guys.

Strange Minds [2.12]

Professor Hugo Strange: I have developed a device that allows its user to tap directly into a patient's mind, like a two-way radio transmission.

Chief Angel Rojas: You gotta be kidding me.

Professor Hugo Strange: Hardly. The technology is untested, and therefore risky, but I am willing to volunteer.

Guard: What makes you so sure Joker will be willing to cooperate?

Joker: Another voice in my head? Well, the more, the merrier!

---

Desk Jockey: Let me guess - you're looking for the detective.

Batman: [astonished] You're...!

Desk Jockey: The only shadow of his former self left in this crazy place. [with a tired smile] It's my day job. What I really want is to make people laugh.

Batman: Where is she?

Desk Jockey: It's top secret! You don't know what he'd do to me!

Batman: Her life depends on it!

Desk Jockey: [sighs] Wrong department. You want "Current Schemes". Around the corner to your--

Joker: Now what did we discuss about giving away family secrets?!

[A saw cuts a hole under the desk jockey's chair, and he falls into a chemical bath, transforming into the Joker]

Joker: Water's warm, Batman! Dive in! [laughs]

---

Joker: How many Jokers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Wouldn't know - they're too busy loosening Batman's screws!

---

Joker: There's no point in resisting, Batman. In my brain, I pull the strings!

Batman: You may control your brain, Joker, but I won't let you control mine! Tell me where you're keeping her!

Joker: Nope! I'm not singing! Can't make me!

Batman: I'll make you sing, if I have to turn your mind INSIDE OUT!

Joker: If you really want to get inside my head, Batman... [grabs him] I'll take you so far in, you'll never find your way out!

---

Professor Hugo Strange: The tears of a clown, the rage behind the leer. Tonight, I merely glimpsed Joker's peculiar form of madness. So many more roads to cross, before I can get to... [moves Joker's file to reveal one with Batman's picture on it] the other side.

Night and the City [2.13]

Joker: I proclaim this street "Rictus Row"!

Penguin: It's my 'hood, and it's "Penguinsburg"!

Riddler: I prefer the ring of "Enigma Avenue".

Penguin: Who are you?

Riddler: Call me... the Riddler.

Joker: "Riddler"? You stealing my shtick?!

Riddler: I do riddles. I don't tell jokes.

Penguin: Well, Gotham ain't big enough for the two of us, skinny, let alone three!

Riddler: Precisely why I propose we settle this with a wager.

Joker: What's the game?

Riddler: The first to capture and unmask our greatest common foe wins Gotham.

Joker: No matter who wins...

Penguin: The biggest loser is the Batman.

---

Ellen Yin: Chief's pulling out all the stops. You'd better lay low.

Batman: Not while the gruesome threesome's on the loose.

---

Chief Angel Rojas: Detective Yin aided and abetted a known criminal, resisted arrest, and fled police custody.

Commissioner Gordon: That's one way of looking at it. Here's another: Detective Yin helped to bring in Gotham's three most wanted. It seems to me this department has had its share of bad press lately. Do you think it is wise to arrest a hero?

Season 3

Batgirl Begins Part 1 [3.01]

[After possessed Batman starts attacking her]

Batgirl: Guess you were serious about not wanting a sidekick!

---

Poison Ivy: You're getting to be a real thorn in my side, Batman.

Batman: And you're no rose, Poison Ivy.

Batgirl Begins Part 2 [3.02]

Batman: Let me make myself clear: there's no room for a Batgirl in Gotham.

Batgirl: That's cool because it's Batwoman, as in, I'm a grown woman and don't need to listen to you.

Batman: Then, for your own safety, if you won't listen to me, I'm gonna have to tell your father, Miss Gordon.

Batgirl: Uh, you must have me confused with someone else. [Batman glares at her] Dude! You just broke the superhero secret identity code!

---

Commissioner Gordon: I, uh, owe you my thanks, Batgirl.

Batgirl: It's Batwo- Forget it. Batgirl, it is. Ok, then. Gotta go. Uh, you take care now, citizen.

Commissioner Gordon: Another red? Huh. What are the chances?

A Dark Knight to Remember [3.03]

Batgirl: Just tell me that one day I'll get to meet the man behind the bat.

Batman: Who says I'm a man?

---

Batgirl: Hurry, Batman; you're about to have three sidekicks!

---

Barbara Gordon: Muscles on his muscles, rich enough to finance all his gadgets... and a jawline I'd recognize anywhere! Oh, Brucie, you are so totally the Batman!

---

Penguin: Batman?!? You're supposed to be pushing up clams!

---

Penguin: I heard you got some back-up, Batman, but no one told me it was your baby sister!

The Icy Depths [3.12]

[The intersecting lights from the 4 landmarks have formed an X over the harbor]

Alfred Pennyworth: X marks the spot indeed.

Gotham's Ultimate Criminal Mastermind [3.13]

Commissioner James Gordon: The Dark Knight fights real criminals, Professor, not floppy disks.

Professor Hugo Strange: A real criminal is exactly what the Digitally Advanced Villain Emulator thinks it is.

Bruce Wayne: How can D.A.V.E. not realize it's a computer program if it just uploaded itself?

Professor Hugo Strange: The criminally insane create their own reality, Mr. Wayne.

---

Batman: D.A.V.E., why are you doing this?

D.A.V.E.: Did you say "why"? Why do you dress like a bat? Why do you fight crime? Why do we do anything, Batman? I do what I do because I have made it my purpose - like you have made it yours to stop me, but shall fail trying.

---

D.A.V.E.: You probably want to know how I uncovered your secret. It was simple, really. Using information readily available to anyone, I began by narrowing down Gotham's population of 750,832 males. Those not falling inside the Batman's probable age range of 18 to 36 were eliminated. Medical records revealed body type matches. Tax records indicated those who possess the wealth and resources to create his technology. But the true key to the puzzle was deducing who of the remaining candidates had motive to become the Batman. After all, every great hero must have an origin. And once Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind put it all together, the answer was obvious. Bruce Wayne, son of the late Thomas and Martha Wayne. [Batman rushes to save Alfred. D.A.V.E. hits him.] So, Bruce Wayne, you no longer need to hide behind this. [takes off his mask]

Batman: Impressive. You have all the answers, D.A.V.E. - except one. Every great supervillain has an origin too. What's yours?

D.A.V.E.: [taken aback] My origin? I... I... fell into a chemical bath.

Batman: That's Joker.

D.A.V.E.: A cryogenic mishap. N-No, I lost my family fortune.

Batman: Freeze. Penguin.

D.A.V.E.: I-I was a mad psychiatrist using Arkham as my cover!

Batman: That's Professor Strange, your creator. You can't remember your origin because it doesn't exist. You're a computer program.

D.A.V.E.: [malfunctioning] But I am Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind! I-I consider all possibilities!

[Alfred breaks free]

D.A.V.E.: How... could I not have considered... this?

[Batman beats down D.A.V.E. and presses the red button, triggering the death-trap]

Batman: You may not have a beginning... but now you have an end.

D.A.V.E.: NO! [is crushed by the giant coin]

Alfred Pennyworth: D.A.V.E. shall make the "ultimate" addition to the Trophy Room, sir.

---

Professor Hugo Strange: There will be other opportunities to peer behind the mask, Batman. For if you think you have defeated Gotham's ultimate criminal mastermind... think again.

Season 4

Team Penguin [4.02]

Killer Croc: Listen, mothball. There's only room for one "killer" here - that's Killer Croc.

Firefly: Nice wings. Granny make 'em?

Ragdoll: Now, now, give the man a chance. What are your special talents? Attraction to bright lights? Eating holes in sweaters?

Killer Moth: Listen, I can help you guys! I got a lot of skills!

Penguin: Do enlighten us, Moth.

Killer Moth: Well, I got stealth skills, code-breaking skills, karate skills, cocooning skills...

[He tries to demonstrate a silk-shooting gun, only to have it backfire into his face]

Penguin: [holds up a mug] What about coffee-making skills? I take mine black, two lumps.

---

Penguin: Gentlemen, tonight we show Gotham and the Bat-jerks the power of Team Penguin!

Firefly: What if we call ourselves the "Gotham Gangsters"?

Penguin: "Team Penguin" is not up for debate! Now let's do this!

---

Firefly: Bats sure went out with a bang!

Killer Croc: Yeah, we always think that.

Penguin: It doesn't matter. We kicked those Bat-butts once, we can do it again! Tonight proved it! Team Penguin is unstoppable!

Ragdoll: How about "Villains United"?

Penguin: How about you shut up?

Clayfaces [4.03]

Bruce Wayne: The suspect ingested a highly concentrated form of the Clayface formula Ethan was exposed to.

Dick Grayson: I don't get it. Why would anyone willingly down a dangerous toxin?

Bruce Wayne: There are a lot of troubled people out there, Dick. Once we find our man, we'll find our answer.

[The Bat-computer identifies Karlo]

Bruce Wayne: We have a match: Basil Karlo. He's an actor. That is, if starring in Revenge of the Atomic Clone qualifies as acting.

[The computer plays a clip from a science fiction B-movie, with Karlo giving a hammy performance as a mad scientist]

Basil Karlo: Twenty years ago, I was thrown out of the university for crimes against nature. Why?! Because of my work to create a race of bio-genetic supermen!

Bruce Wayne: [dryly] Can't understand why he hasn't worked in over ten years.

Dick Grayson: [smirking] We are so watching that movie!

---

Batman: Show's over, Karlo. It's not too late to get help.

Robin: It is too late for acting lessons, though.

Basil Karlo: Sorry, Batman, [morphs into his Clayface form] but this is the role I was born to play!

Two of a Kind [4.08]

The Joker: Pop psychology at its worst! The girl's [Harleen Quinzel] theories are unfounded! Her professional manner's a joke and training, if ANY, is shoddy at best! I LOVE this show! The girl's more screw-loose than me!

---

[During commercial break, Harleen runs off the stage before getting ready for the next part of the show. On the way, she runs into someone...]

Harleen: Ooh, Jimmy Herbert! Network bigwig! What brings you to the set today? Let me guess, in search of fashion advice?

Jimmy: Speaking of advice, what kind are you giving these people?

Harleen: Are you questioning me? Everyone who has an online degree in psychology please raise your hand. [Harleen raises her own hand but Jimmy is not impressed] Oh, okay, then how about we let the professionals do their job, alright hon?

Jimmy: This show is supposed to help people. You've turned it into a circus!

Harleen: I know! And if you want to talk circus, wait until you see my Valentine's Day special!

Jimmy: Look, there won't be a Valentine's day special if you keep this...[At this point, one of the stage managers alerts Harleen that it is time to resume the show]

Harleen: Oopsies, gotta get back! Laters, though.

Seconds [4.09]

Francis Grey: 1 second became 5 seconds, then 10, then 20. I wanted to go back 20 years before any of this happened, but all I got was 20 seconds. I can't get my time back, but I can punish the city for taking it.

Riddler's Revenge [4.10]

Riddler: You and me, work together? I'm into riddles, not jokes. Besides, I've ruined Gorman, and that's as good a note as any to go out on.

Batman: Then you're sure it was Gorman who sabotaged you?

Riddler: Even you, Batman, could have puzzled together a mystery this obvious.

Batman: Yeah, obvious. I guess I just figured with a riddle, the most obvious answer is rarely the right one.

---

Riddler: No more question marks, Batman. Now we put a "period" at the end of your life!

[Robin knocks the Riddler's cane out of his hands]

Robin: Exclamation point, anyone?

---

Riddler: Another late night in the lab, Julie?

Julie: E-- Edward?

Riddler: Oh, you remember me. I'm touched.

Julie: Ah, what are you doing here?

Riddler: There's a riddle I'm having trouble solving. You were always so good at them, maybe you can help.

Julie: The $64,000 question? [smiles coldly] Why did I sabotage our project? Come on, Edward, it's not that hard.

Riddler: [grabs her, clearly frustrated and hurt] I thought you understood me!

Julie: I understood you were a psychopath. One that was going to ruin any chance for success.

Riddler: And so you got rid of me. Very smart. But I think we can make you smarter yet. [his henchmen seize Julie] Our little external bio hard-drives for the brain were only intended to be used one at a time. Let's see what happens when we use them all together! [attaches several all over Julie's face]

Julie: No, Edward! What are you doing?!

[A Batarang knocks the controls out of the Riddler's hand, and he turns to see Batman and Robin]

Robin: I know, I know! He's about to get his butt kicked, am I right?

---

Riddler: So tell me, Batman - how'd you piece together it was my Julie who betrayed me?

Batman: Easy. Gorman was a businessman, not a scientist. He would never have known how to sabotage that disc - and that left just one other person. Anyone would have realized that. Except you, champ.

---

Batman: One last riddle, Robin. When is a villain... not the villain?

[Julie, shocked by his words, turns to see a tear - shaped like a question mark - appear in the Riddler's eye, and she appears remorseful]

Rumors [4.11]

Rumor: Time's up, my friends.

Professor Hugo Strange: [clears throat] Excuse me. Before you send us all to that big Arkham Asylum in the sky, would you mind indulging an old man's intellectual curiosity, and answer a simple question: why?

Rumor: Why? I'll tell you why. [removes his mask] I'm a bodyguard of Paul Karon. A great man. A man you, Joker, maimed.

Joker: [smiles, flattered] Me?

Catwoman: Should've known this was Joker's fault.

Penguin: Just had to make the nut-ball angry!

Rumor: Don't blame Joker - blame the Bat. He had the chance to permanently stop each and every one of you, but was always prevented by some code of ethics. Now I'm left to finish a job he doesn't have the guts to.

Professor Hugo Strange: [laughs] And you believe every word of that, don't you? You didn't capture us so you could save Gotham. No, you're trying to erase your own failure of not saving your boss.

Rumor: That's not true! Shut up!

---

Joker: Mind if we cut in, Batsy? You see, there's this nasty little rumor we'd all like to stomp out!

Rumor: [to Batman] You have to save me!

Batman: I know.

Robin: Let me guess. This is one of those "not the easy way, but the right way" moments?

The Joining Part 2 [4.13]

Batman: They created a metal stronger than almost any compound on Earth. But... they used Wayne Industries technology to do it.

Lucius Fox: Ah! Then that would mean...

Batman: Exactly. The Joining's just made their first mistake.

Lucius Fox Robot: We do not make mistakes. We are the Joining.

Batgirl: Unplug it.

Robin: It is unplugged!

Lucius Fox Robot: I am drawing power from the Joining. We have taken your technology. We have improved it. We use it now to destroy your world. We are unstoppable.

[The real Lucius punches the robot's head, shutting it down]

Lucius Fox: For such a good-looking guy, he talks too much.

---

Alfred Pennyworth: Planning repairs, are we?

Robin: No point. End of the world, remember?

Batgirl: Besides, you heard Batman - we'd only get in the way.

Alfred Pennyworth: There are times when I, too, disagree with Master Bruce's decisions. And when that happens, there's something I do that never fails to lift my spirits: I disobey him.

---

[Watching Gordon and Mr. Freeze fight the Joining together]

Joker: This town's gone mad! [laughs]

Season 5

A Mirror Darkly [5.05]

Robin: Stop copying me!

Copy Robin: Stop copying me!

Robin: Oh, so you can talk.

Copy Robin: Oh, so you can talk.

Robin: Cut it out!

Copy Robin: Cut it out!

Robin: Quit it!

Copy Robin: Quit it!

Robin: I like to smell my feet.

Copy Robin: You like to smell your feet?

Robin: How did I fall for that?

Lost Heroes Part 2 [5.13]

[last lines of the series]

Batgirl: Yeah. junior Justice League, teen division.

Batman: Nice try.