So, what's an old-timer like you want with a two-timer like me?
Can't be too careful with all those weirdos around.
[the Phantasm goes to Valestra's mansion, but instead finds Valestra dead, along with Joker's surveillance camera and a bomb] Whoops! Ha! I guess the joke's on me. You're not Batman after all. Looks like there's a new face in Gotham and soon his name will be all over town... to say nothing of his legs, and feet, and spleen, and head...
Listen, boopsie, even though you never call and never write, I still got a soft spot for you. So I'm sending you a fun gift...airmail.[a miniature plane appears, holding a bomb] And there's no use jumping out the window this time, toots. The plane of the future is about to make you history! [Batman throws a batarang, detonating the bomb outside. The blast still knocks Batman back, causing the phone to dangle] Hello? Hello, operator? I believe my party's been...disconnected![cackles loudly]
Now, ain't that a co-inky-dink? We're talking about the old man, and the spawn of his loins just happens to call! [menacing] Makes you want to laugh...doesn't it, Artie?
Vengeance blackens the soul, Bruce. I've always feared that you would become that which you fought against. You walk the edge of that abyss every night, but you haven't fallen in, and I thank heaven for that. But Andrea fell into that pit years ago, and no one, not even you, could have pulled her back.
Arthur Reeves: [on TV] What kind of city are we running when we depend on the support of a potential madman!
Alfred Pennyworth: What rot, sir! Why, you're the very model of sanity. Oh, by the way, I pressed your tights and put away your exploding gas balls.
Batman: [sardonically] Thank you, Alfred.
Batman: Do you still follow your dad's orders?
Andrea Beaumont: The way I see it, the only one in this room controlled by his parents is you.
Andrea Beaumont: What's that you're practicing?
Bruce Wayne: Jiu jitsu.
Andrea Beaumont: Gesundheit. [Bruce is unamused] That was a joke.
Batman: You think you know everything about me, don't you?
Alfred Pennyworth: I diapered your bottom; I bloody well ought to... sir!
The Joker: Have a seat, Sal. Tell me what's on your so-called mind.
Sal Valestra: It's Batman. He's gone nuts! First he whacked Chuckie Sol, then Buzz, and now he's after me!
The Joker: You know, I've been reading lately that ol' Guano Man is wound tight enough to snap. [giggles] Wouldn't it be great if I've finally driven him over the deep end?
Sal Valestra: This isn't a joke! Batman's knocking us off and you're the only one who can take him down. Look, five million up front, with whatever you want to finish him off.
The Joker: [yawns] What do I look like, pest control?
Sal Valestra: Think, you fool! Once he gets me, how long before he gets you? You know what I'm talking about. [grabs the Joker's lapels] Your hands are just as dirty as mine — dirtier!
The Joker: [enraged]Don't touch me, old man![suddenly cheerful again] I don't know where you've been! Ha! Oh, Sal, no one could take a joke like you! Of course I'll help you!
Sal Valestra: You mean it?
The Joker: Certainement! No way is anyone going to hurt my pal Sal.
[Valestra smiles, relieved]
The Joker: That's it, that's what I want to see! [with menace]A nice, big smile!
[Bruce goes to his parents' grave]
Bruce Wayne: It doesn't mean I don't care anymore. I don't want to let you down, honest, but... but it just doesn't hurt so bad anymore. You can understand that, can't you? Look, I can give money to the city - they can hire more cops. Let someone else take the risk, but it's different now! Please! I need it to be different now. I know I made a promise, but I didn't see this coming. I didn't count on being happy. Please...tell me that it's okay.
[Andrea appears at his side]
Andrea Beaumont: Maybe they already have. Maybe they sent me.
[They embrace in the rain]
Andrea Beaumont: You're not smiling, Joker. I thought you found death amusing.
The Joker: Me? Oh, no. You won't hear a giggle out of me.
[Batman discovers that Andrea is the Phantasm]
Batman: Your father's dead, isn't he? You came into town early to get Chuckie Sol, so you could shift the blame to your father if you had to.
Andrea Beaumont: They took everything, Bruce! My dad, my life...you. I'm not saying it's right, or even sane, but it's all I've got left. So either help me or get out of the way!
Batman: You know I can't do that.
Andrea Beaumont: Look what they did to us! Look what we could have had! They had to pay!
Batman: But, Andi, what will vengeance solve?
Andrea Beaumont: If anyone knows the answer to that question, Bruce, it's you.
[Joker tries to escape wearing a jet pack; Batman leaps on top of him, dragging them down]
The Joker: You're crazy! I'm your only chance to get out of here! Let me go or we'll both die!