Narrator: This yacht is bringing a revolutionary scientific invention to Gotham City. On a peaceful afternoon motor ride, millionaire Bruce Wayne and his youthful ward Dick Grayson have been summoned back to Wayne Manor by an urgent but anonymous call for help; the invention AND its custodian are reported in grave danger aboard the yacht! Never ones to shirk responsibility, Bruce and Dick, with characteristic speed and resolve, descend promptly into The Batcave, and then, as they have done many times before, as BATMAN AND ROBIN, courageous warriors against crime, they are off once again to the rescue!
The Riddler: Question: Who's going to make the feathers fly and knock Batman and Robin out of the sky?
The Joker: Have you heard this one? It'll KILL you, Batman! [laughs]
Penguin: There are two eggs this wily bird is gonna scramble. Batman and Robin!
[Batman, Robin, Commissioner Gordon, and Chief O'Hara consider which supercriminal might have been behind the fake yacht and exploding shark attack.]
Gordon: Could be any one of them, but which one? W— which ones?
Batman: Pretty fishy what happened to me on that ladder.
Gordon: You mean, where there's a fish, there could be a Penguin.
Robin: But wait! It happened at sea! See? "C" for Catwoman!
Batman: Yet... an exploding shark was pulling my leg!
Gordon: The Joker!
O'Hara: [It] all adds up to a sinister riddle. Riddle-er. Riddler?
Gordon: Oh, A thought strikes me. So dreadful I scarcely dare give it utterance.
Batman: The four of them. Their forces combined...
Robin: Holy nightmare!
Commissioner Gordon: Penguin, Joker, Riddler... and Catwoman, too! The sum of the angles of that rectangle is too monstrous to contemplate.
Batman: We've been given the plainest warning. They're working together to take over...
Chief O'Hara: Take over what, Batman? Gotham City?
Batman: Any two of them would try that!
Commissioner Gordon: The whole country?
Batman: If it were three of them, I would say yes, but four? Their minimum objective must be... the entire world.
Riddler: I see the way to do it. We'll play each of our treacherous trumps in one hand, and we'll do it right here.
Riddler: How? The end. The end, oh... [giggles] We shall spring them from The Joker's Jack-In-The-Box, through that window, out over the sea, and into the waiting arms of The Penguin's Exploding Octopus! [giggles again] The trigger: one of my riddles, of course, and the bait: You, Catwoman!
[In the Batcave, Batman and Robin prepare to leave in the Batmobile.]
Robin: Atomic batteries to power. Turbines to speed.
Batman: Roger. Ready to move out.
[After the shark attack, Batman takes questions from the press in Commissioner Gordon's office.]
Batman: You there, Miss...
Miss Kitka: Comrade Kitayna Ireyna Tatanya Kerenska Alisoff. I am from the Moscow Bugle.
[Stuck to Penguin's magnetic buoy, with a torpedo approaching, Batman pries loose his utility belt transmitter.]
Batman: If I could just reverse the polarity... send out waves of super-energy...
. . .
[An annoyed Penguin observes the destruction of his torpedos.]
Penguin: He must be using a Super-Energy Reverse Polarizer!
. . .
[A third torpedo approaches, but Batman's transmitter ceases its screeching.]
Batman: Confound it! The batteries are dead!
. . .
[Moments after an off-camera explosion, we see Batman and Robin speeding in their Batboat.]
Robin: Gosh, Batman. The nobility of the almost-human porpoise.
Batman: True, Robin. It was noble of that animal to hurl himself into the path of that final torpedo. He gave his life for ours.
[Batman calls Vice Admiral Fangschliester at the Pentagon about recently sold submarines.]
Fangschliester: Answer affirmative, Batman! We disposed of a war surplus submarine last Friday. A pre-atomic model. To some chap named, uh, "P. N. Guin".
Batman: P. N. Guin?
Robin: The Penguin!
Batman: Did this… P. N. Guin leave an address?
Fangschliester: No, just a post office box number. Would you like it?
Batman: No, thank you, Admiral. [gritting his teeth] You've been very helpful.
Fangschliester: Avast and belay, Batman. Your tone sounds rather grim. We haven't done anything foolish, have we?
Batman: [slowly] Disposing of pre-atomic submarines to persons who don't even leave their full addresses?! Good day, Admiral!
[They hang up.]
[Batman reads Miss Kitka's riddles to Robin.]
Batman: One: "What has yellow skin and writes?"
Robin: A ballpoint banana.
Batman: Right! Two: "What people are always in a hurry?"
Robin: Rushing people? Russians!
Batman: Right again! Now, what would you say they mean?
Robin: Banana... Russian... I've got it! Someone Russian is gonna slip on a banana peel and break their neck!
Batman: Precisely, Robin! The only possible meaning!
Alfred: What is the scheme, sir?
Batman: Tonight, Bruce Wayne will go out on the town with Miss Kitka.
Alfred: A not-displeasing chore, sir.
Batman: Indeed, Alfred! I've rarely met a girl who's such a potent argument in favor of international "relations".
[Catwoman is scooping up "dehydrated death-dealing pirates" into separate vials.]
Penguin: Careful, careful. quack, quack. Every one of them has a mother.
Penguin: That's too soon! It must be Batcharges!
Riddler: And that means there'll be more of the dread things meant for us!
Catwoman: You dismal bird! You and your submarine, Where has it got us now?
Penguin: Shut up, you feline floozy!
[Batman and Robin are climbing up the wharf building concealing the United Underworld hideout.]
Robin: When you think, Batman, with people in weird outfits, like the four super crooks hangin' around here, it's amazing somebody hasn't already reported this place to the police!
Batman: It's a low neighborhood, full of rumpots. They're used to curious sights, which they attribute to alcoholic delusions.
Robin: Gosh, drink is sure a filthy thing, isn't it? I'd rather be dead than unable to trust my own eyes.
[Batman dashes around the pier trying to dispose of a comically large bomb, repeatedly running into insensate bar patrons, the Salvation Army, two nuns, a baby stroller, lovers in a boat, and ducks in the water.]
Batman: Some days, you just can't get rid of a bomb!
[In the Batcave, Penguin's reconstituted pirates all disappear the moment they're touched.]
Robin: The pirates - they're gone! Popped like balloons! How'd it happen?
Batman: Whoever de-hydrated those pirates could not have foreseen their accidental re-hydration with the heavy water we use in recharging the atomic pile!
Robin: Which naturally left them in a highly unstable condition!
Batman: You saw it yourself, Robin. The [slaps his hands together] SLIGHTEST impact was sufficient to instantly reduce them to anti-matter!
Robin: Antimatter? You mean they won't be coming back?
Batman: No, Robin. Not in this universe.
[They jump down from the Bat consoles.]
Batman: Let that be an object lesson in the dangers of tampering with the laws of Mother Nature.
[Batman and Robin spy the Riddler's latest missile-delivered clues.]
Batman: "What goes up white, and comes down yellow and white?"
Robin: An egg!
Batman: "How do you divide seventeen apples among sixteen people?"
Robin: Make apple sauce!
Batman: Apples into apple sauce; a unification into one smooth mixture. An egg: nature's perfect container the container of all our hopes for the future!
Robin: A unification and a container of hope? United World Organization!
Batman: Precisely, Robin!
[Batman and Robin are running through the streets of Gotham to the United World headquarters.]
Robin: Holy marathon! I'm getting a stitch, Batman!
Batman: Let's hope it's a stitch in time, Robin! That saves nine — the nine members of the United World Security Council!
Catwoman: You're mad, Riddler. Penguin finished Batman by now.
Riddler: Why, that miserable waddling mountebank of a bird? He couldn't finish a bag of popcorn! [giggles]
Joker: So, say Penguin failed. All the more reason not to have that your crazy clues.
Riddler: Oh, But I must, I must. Outwitting Batman is my sole delight, my joy, my heaven on earth, my very paradise. [giggles again]
Joker: Riddler, come back!
[After processing the jumbled powders of the Security Council members with their Super Molecular Dust Separator, the Dynamic Duo discovers the rehydrated delegates are speaking the wrong languages.]
Batman: Who knows, Robin? This strange mixing of minds may be the greatest single service ever performed for humanity. Let's go, but, inconspicuously... through the window. We'll use our Batropes. [long pause] Our job is finished.
Pirate: Ahoy, Catwoman!
Miss Kitka: [slaps him] Imbecile, How many times have I told you? Never use my real name in public!
Miss Kitka: If you please, to take off the mask to give the better picture?
Commissioner Gordon: Great Scott! Batman take off his mask?
Chief O'Hara: The woman must be mad!
Batman: Please... Chief O'Hara... all of you. This young lady is a stranger to our shores. Her request is not unnatural, however, impossible to grant.
Miss Kitka: Impossible?
Batman: Indeed. If Robin and I were to remove our masks, the secret of our true identities would be revealed.
Commissioner Gordon: Completely destroying their value as ace crimefighters.
Chief O'Hara: Sure, ma'am. Not even Commisioner Gordon and meself know who they really are.
Robin: In fact, our own relatives we live with don't know.
Miss Kitka: But your so curious costumes...
Robin: Don't be put off by them, ma'am. Underneath this garb, we're perfectly ordinary Americans.
Miss Kitka: You are like the masked vigilantes in the Westerns, no?
Commissioner Gordon: Certainly not! Batman and Robin are fully deputized agents of the law.
Robin: Support your police! That's our message!
Batman: Well said, Robin... and no better way to end this press conference... thank you, and good day.
Riddler: You and your trained exploding shark.
Penguin: Faugh, Quack! How should I know they'd have a can of shark-repellent Batspray handy? Why, you sniveling sardine!
Riddler: Why you pompous, puffed-up penguin!
Joker: Oh, friends, make peace. Have a shake on me. [shakes their hands, and the two are electrified; Joker laughs manically, and shows he is wearing joy buzzers on his hands] A joke a day keeps the gloom away!
Catwoman: (to her cat) Sic 'em, Hecate. Scratch out their eyes.
Penguin: Take away that ravenous panther!
Riddler: So help me, Catwoman, I'll feed him to the birds.
Joker: I'll incapacitate the beast with my trick confetti!
Catwoman: United Underworld? [scoffs] We're about as united as the members of the United World Headquarters on Gotham East River. What's the matter with you all?
Riddler: She's right. she's right! If we don't manage to somehow swallow our supercriminal pride, I'm afraid--
Penguin: Right, Mr. Riddler, quite right! We must hang together, or most assuredly we shall hang seperately.
Joker: Oh, and what a pity that would be, on the eve of the greatest criminal coup anyone ever dreamed of!
Riddler: Aha! How did it go, Catwoman?
Catwoman: Purr-fectly, purr-fectly. In my disguise as Kitka, I penetrated their press conference. The fools are completely baffled.
Joker: Yes, but undrowned.
Catwoman: Yes, unfortunately. Batman's boots didn't even look damp! How's our prisoner? Still doesn't know he's been kidnapped?
Penguin: He hasn't the foggiest. He just keeps ringing for his confounded tea.