The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot
- I wasn't born in the sewer, you know. I come from... [indicates to the opening of a drain pipe, then turns to Max] Like you. And like you, I want some respect. A recognition of my basic humanity. But most of all... I wanna find out who I really am. By finding my parents; learning my human name. Simple stuff that the good people of Gotham take for granted!
- [while crashing Max Shreck's ball] Right now, my troops are fanning out across town - for your children! [crowd gasps] Yes! For your first-born sons! The ones you left helpless at home, so you could dress up like jerks, get juiced, and dance... BADLY!
- [addressing his penguin army] My dear penguins, we stand on a great threshold! It's okay to be scared; many of you won't be coming back. Thanks to Batman, the time has come to punish all of God's children! First, second, third and fourth-born! Why be biased?! Male and female! Hell, the sexes are equal, with their erogenous zones BLOWN SKY-HIGH!!! FORWAAAAAAAAAAAAAARD MARCH!!! THE LIBERATION OF GOTHAM HAS BEGUN!!!!!
- [One of Penguin's men hands him a grimy Christmas stocking]
- Penguin: Ah, what have we here?... [takes out a flask, opening it and pouring an eerie green liquid out that dissolves a slab of stone.] First... a batch of toxic waste, from your "clean textile plant". There's a whole lagoon of this crud in the back!
- Max: [slightly nervous] That could've come from anywhere.
- Penguin: What about the documents that prove you own half the firetraps in Gotham City?
- Max: If there were such documents - and that's not an admission - I would have seen to it they were shredded.
- Penguin: [grins] Good idea... [shows shredded papers stuck back together] A lot of tape and a little patience make all the difference. By the way, how's Fred Adkins, your old partner?
- Max: [rattled] Fred? Well, he's uh...I believe he's on extended vacation. He's uh, he's good.
- Penguin: [chuckles sinisterly] "Good"... [pulls out a severed hand, goes into scary voice] "HIYA, MAX! REMEMBER ME?! I'M FRED'S HAND! YEAH, YOU WANNA MEET ANY OTHER BODY PARTS?!" [normal] Remember, Max; you flush it, I flaunt it.
- Max: [reconsiders] You know what, Mr... Penguin... Sir? I think perhaps I could help orchestrate a little welcome-home scenario for you. And once we're both back home, perhaps we can help each other out.
- Penguin: You won't regret this, Mr. Shreck. [shakes Max's hand with Fred's severed one and leaving Max holding it]
- [After escaping from a botched rally, Penguin returns to his underground lair. The place is packed with penguins, who rush to greet him]
- Penguin: My babies... did you miss me?
- Red Triangle Clown: Great speech, Oswald!
- Penguin: [punches him aside] MY NAME IS NOT OSWALD! IT'S PENGUIN!! I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING!!! I AM AN ANIMAL!!! COLD-BLOODED!!! CRANK THE AC!!! WHERE ARE MY LISTS?! BRING ME THE NAMES!!! [a henchman passes him some papers, which he gives to everyone] Ah! It's time... These are the names of the firstborn sons of Gotham City, just like I was. And like me, a terrible fate waits for them: tonight, while their parents party, they'll be dreaming away in their safe cribs, their soft beds. And WE WILL SNATCH THEM, CARRY THEM INTO THE SEWER, AND TOSS THEM INTO A DEEP, DARK WATERY GRAVE...!
- Red Triangle Fat Clown: Ermm... Penguin? I mean, killing sleeping children... isn't that a little..?
- Penguin: [shoots clown with gun umbrella] No! IT'S A LOT! [Kicks the dead henchman into the sewage river]
- (Bruce Wayne has come to Max Shreck's fancy-dress Christmas ball without a costume)
- Max Shreck: Ingenious costume, let me guess. Trust-fund goody-goody.
- Bruce Wayne: Feeling good, huh? Yeah, well, you almost made a monster of the Mayor of Gotham City.
- Shreck: I am the light of this city...and I am its mean, twisted soul. Does it matter who's Mayor?
- Wayne: It does to me.
- Shreck: Yawn.
- (Penguin has crashed Max Shreck's Christmas ball to kidnap Max's son)
- Penguin: I've personally come for Gotham's favorite son, Mr Chip Shreck! You're coming with me, you great white dope, to die way down in the sewer!!
- Max: Not Chip! If you have an iota of human feeling, take me instead!
- Penguin: [hesitates] I don't! So no!
- Max: I'm the one you want! Ask yourself. Isn't it Max Shreck who manipulated and betrayed you, eh? Isn't it Max, not Chip, who you want to see immersed to his eyeballs in raw sewage?
- Penguin: [hesitates again] Okay, you've got a point.
- Max: Selina?! Selina Kyle?! You're fired. (to Batman) And Bruce Wayne. Why are you dressed up like Batman?
- Catwoman: Because he is Batman, you moron!
- Max: [produces a gun] Was.
- [Batman saves Shreck from Catwoman]
- Max: You're not just saving a life, you're saving...
- Batman: Shut up. You're going to jail.
- Catwoman: Don't be naīve! The law doesn't apply to people like him or us!
- Batman: Wrong on both counts.
- Catwoman: You killed me. The Penguin killed me. Batman killed me. That's three lives down - you got enough in there to finish me off?!
- Max: One way to find out.[shoots Catwoman twice]
- Catwoman: Four... five... [swings whip around, then cracks it loudly] Still alive! [hit twice again; limps toward Max] Six... seven... all good girls go to heaven... [Max fires the gun again, but it is empty; laughs] Two lives left I think I'll save one for next Christmas. But in the meantime... How about a kiss, Santy Claus? [electrocutes Schreck]
- Alfred Pennyworth: Well, come what may. Merry Christmas, Mr. Wayne.
- Bruce Wayne: [sadly] Merry Christmas, Alfred. Good will toward men... and women.
- Michael Keaton - Batman/Bruce Wayne
- Danny DeVito - The Penguin/Oswald Cobblepot
- Michelle Pfeiffer - Catwoman/Selina Kyle
- Christopher Walken - Max Shreck
- Michael Gough - Alfred Pennyworth
- Pat Hingle - Commissioner James Gordon
- Michael Murphy - the Mayor
- Vincent Schiavelli - the Organ Grinder
- Andrew Bryniarski - Charles "Chip" Shreck
- Cristi Conaway - the Ice Princess
- Remember, I came in when the audience was disturbed by Danny DeVito as the Penguin, and then Michelle Pfeiffer — which was still fabulous and maybe a little too S&M for some people.
- Encyclopedic article on Batman Returns at Wikipedia
- Batman Returns quotes at the Internet Movie Database