Batman (TV series)

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Holy toreador!
Batman and Robin
Batman villains The Penguin, The Riddler and The Joker

Batman (1966–1968) is a television series featuring Adam West as the eponymous Caped Crusader and Burt Ward as his faithful sidekick Robin. This version of the Detective Comics character (originally debuting in 1939) is in campy style, with extraordinarily (and literally) colorful characters and settings, dialog played for laughs, and fight scenes featuring comic-book "Bam!", "Pow!", "Zap!", among others, as graphical exclamations.

Season 1[edit]

Hi Diddle Riddle [1.01][edit]

Commissioner Gordon: I don't know who he is beneath that mask of his, but I know when we need him, and we need him now!

Robin: Gosh, if I could just figure out that riddle. Why can't I get it?
Batman: Maybe your mind's on that cute little teenager who waved to you on the way across town, eh?
Robin: Awww, come on, Batman.

Smack in the Middle [1.02][edit]

Riddler: Did you hear about Greta Garbo? She dreamed one night she sprinkled 6 boxes of grass seed in her hair, and woke up moaning: "I vant to be a lawn!"

Batman: The joke's on you, Riddler!
Robin: When is a donkey spelled with 1 letter?! When it's "U"!

Fine Feathered Finks [1.03][edit]

Dick: Oh, heck! What's the use of learning French anyway?
Bruce: Dick, I'm surprised at you! Language is the key to world peace. If we all spoke each other's tongues, perhaps the scourge of war would be ended forever.
Dick: Gosh, Bruce, yes. I'll get these darn verbs if they kill me!

The Penguin's a Jinx [1.04][edit]

Robin: What do we do, tip off Commissioner Gordon?
Batman: No, not on your life, old man. The Penguin and I have a score to settle.

Celebrity: I'm not a person! I'm just a commodity!

Aunt Harriet: Oh, Alfred! [She faints upon seeing Alfred and the movie star unconscious.]

The Joker Is Wild [1.05][edit]

Dick Grayson: What's so important about Chopin?
Bruce Wayne: All music is important, Dick. It's the universal language. One of our best hopes for the eventual realization of the brotherhood of man.
Dick Grayson: Gosh Bruce, yes, you're right. I'll practice harder from now on.

The Joker: [laughing] And now people of Gotham City, the moment you have all been waiting for. [Continuously Laughing] The grand finale! The climax of my performance! The zenith of my career! The unmasking of Batman and Robin the Boy Wonder!

Batman Is Riled [1.06][edit]

Robin: All the same! "The Joker is wild!" "Batman and Robin foiled again!" Holy Headlines, do we look like page one dumbbells!
Batman: Too true, Robin. The responsibility of the press is to report the truth, despite what it might do to our public image. Our main concern is to a frightened public, whom we seem to be failing.
Robin: Gosh, you're right. I can't help thinking of only myself. I'm sorry.
Batman: Well, that's okay, chum. We all have the right to be selfish sometimes.

Joker: Batman and Boy Wonder? Are your blindfolds in place? Very well, then. Ask yourselves, "What is wrong with this sentence?" "He who laughs last laughs good!" [laughs]
[Batman turns off the television.]
Robin: Holy grammar! Is that all?
Batman: He who laughs last laughs best, not good! Best! Best! Best!
Robin: Do you suppose "blindfold" might have something to do with it?
Alfred: If I may venture an opinion, sir, I think Master Dick may have put his finger on it.
Batman: Blindfold?
Alfred: No, sir. Grammar. The sentence was gramatically incorrect. One does not laugh good, sir. One laughs well.
Batman: Why, that's it, Alfred! Laughs well! Laughwell! Professor James J. Laughwell!
Robin: Holy safari! The one that just got back from Africa, with a collection of rare masks and objects of art!
Alfred: That's where the blindfold part would come in, sir.
Batman: And they're being stored at the Lasts Longer Warehouse! To the Batmobile!

Instant Freeze [1.07][edit]

Batman: Poor devil...forced to live in an air-conditioned suit that keeps his body temperature down to 50 degrees below zero! No wonder his mind is warped.

Mr. Freeze: [after freezing Batman & Robin] I'm sorry, Batman. I wanted to toy with you a little longer, but that is the way the ice cube crumbles!

Rats Like Cheese [1.08][edit]

Batman: [Insisting that he be substituted for a hostage against the strong opposition of Gordon and O'Hara] Sorry, Diamante is the idol of millions of impressionable young lads who look up to him. He must live to inspire the youth of today who will be the men of tomorrow.

Batman: Mr. Freeze, give yourself up. We can get help for you... medical help!
Mr. Freeze: In prison? This I do not believe. No, you must PAY for what you did to me, for forcing me to live like this: never again to know the warmth of a summer breeze, never to feel the heat of burning logs in vintertime! Revenge. That is what I need! Revenge! I will have revenge!

Robin: Diamente means diamond in Italian.

Zelda the Great [1.09][edit]

Dick: Wow! The rings of Saturn! This is sure some fun, Bruce.
Bruce: Astronomy is more than mere fun, Dick.
Dick: It is?
Bruce: Yes, it helps give us a sense of proportion. Reminds us how little we are, really. People tend to forget that sometimes.
Dick: Gosh yes, that's right. I'll bet I see those rings a little differently this time!

Robin: (to Zelda The Great) We've got you bank bandit!
[She disappears using a mirror trick.]
Robin: Holy Hole in a Doughnut. What happened?

A Death Worse Than Fate [1.10][edit]

Zelda: Oh, it seems such a waste. They are such handsome creatures.
Eivol: Shut up!
Zelda: Eivol, Eivol, can I help being a woman?
Eivol: Shut up, I said!

Robin: Look at her. Glycerin tears.
Batman: No, Robin. Real.
Zelda: Some other lifetime, Batman?
Batman: Perhaps, some other lifetime.
[Zelda continues to shed tears as Batman cuffs her.]

A Riddle a Day Keeps the Riddler Away [1.11][edit]

Mousey: Gee, I've never met royalty before! It's pretty thrilling!
Riddler: Royalty? You've never met royalty? And just whom do you think stands before you, my cherub? I am The Prince Of Puzzlers, The Count Of Conundrums, The King Of Crime! I hold court here, no one else!!!

Robin: Gosh, there could be diplomatic repercussions if we fail this time, Batman.
Batman: That's not the point, Robin. What's important is that the world know that all visitors to these teeming shores are safe, be they peasant or king.
Robin: Gee, Batman, I never thought of that. You're right.
Batman: It's the very essence of our democracy.

When the Rat's Away the Mice Will Play [1.12][edit]

Riddler: So many people have tried...The Penguin, Mr. Freeze, The Joker, all masters of their craft, granted, but I, only I have succeeded in ridding Gotham's criminal kingdom of The Dynamic Duo!

Riddler: Rats, I am a man of a few words, but a man of many Riddles, so riddle me this: what is it that is always coming, but never arrives?! [No one answers] Quickly, quickly!
Fangs: Uh, we ain't tuned in on the Riddle bit, chief!
Mousey: Yeah! We give up! What is it that is always coming, but never arrives?
Riddler: Tomorrow.
Whitey: Tomorrow?
Riddler: Tomorrow. For when it arrives, it is today, and today, my dear rodents, should prove to be most memorable!

The Thirteenth Hat [1.13][edit]

Bruce: When we have more time, I'll acquaint you with the various processes of sculptoring. It's a fascinating art to which I have devoted many hours of study.
Dick: I sure would like to hear about it, Bruce.

Henchman: Many others have tried killing Batman.
Mad Hatter: Many others do not have the lethal equipment of my hat factory.

Batman Stands Pat [1.14][edit]

Robin: Well, I'm used to seeing you do the impossible, but getting out of that plaster tomb was impossible!
Batman: Much easier than it seemed, Robin, I simply held my breath.
Robin: Holy Frogman!

Batman: The police department is on its toes. Six more kidnappings.

The Joker Doesn't Go to School [1.15][edit]

The Joker: Hello, kiddies! A-meet the Joker!

He Meets His Match, the Grisly Ghoul [1.16][edit]

Joker: [laughing] Have a sneeze on me, Batman!
[Joker administers sneezing powder upon Batman, which has no effect.]
Batman: No use, Joker! I knew you'd employ your sneezing powder, so I took an Anti-Allergy Pill! Instead of a sneeze, I've caught you cold!

Suzie: I'll have nightmares all my life, Mr. Wayne. If it hadn't been for that power failure, where would Robin be? And where would Batman be?
Dick: Where would Dick Grayson be?
Suzie: What?
Bruce: Forget about it, young people. Just be thankful that life is filled with unanswered questions, that's all. Goodbye, Suzie.
Suzie: Goodbye.

True or False-Face [1.17][edit]

Chief O'Hara: Commissioner, there's only one man living who can unmask False Face.
[They glance at the Batphone.]
Commissioner Gordon: Chief O'Hara, you've spoken for all of us. Our only hope is that tower of power for right and justice, the Caped Crusader!

Hencheman: Lets hear it for false face..Hip..Hip Horray
False Face: Thanks men..I know you didn't mean it!

False Face: The Express will be here inside of five minutes, Batman. Inside of six, no more Batman!
Robin: Fiend!!
Batman: False Face, you'll regret this!......eventually.

Holy Rat Race [1.18][edit]

False Face: What? Is it possible?
Batman: Not only possible, but true.
False Face: Please! Not that word.
Robin: We've turned your own tricky tables on you, False Face, via a false vault!
False Face: I'm never out turned until the last turn, Boy Wonder!
[They start fighting.]

False Face: [posing as Commissioner Gordon] But False Face must be caught before he plots another sinister scheme!
Batman: Absolutely accurate, False Face!
Chief O'Hara: But Caped Crusader, that's the Commissioner!
Batman: Is it? Then why is a right-handed commissioner holding his handkerchief in his left hand?
[False Face looks and sees he has goofed again. When he tried to flee, Batman grabs him and unmasks him.]
Chief O'Hara: Saints alive! It's False Face!
Blaze: So you finally fumbled, False Face!
False Face: For the moment!
[The Commissioner comes out, all exhausted from the brief capture.]
Commissioner Gordon: I lost him!
Robin: Luckily, Commissioner, he found us!
Chief O'Hara: Impersonating a police commissioner! Well, the warden will be working out a warm welcome for you!
False Face: [to Batman] Game and set to you, Caped Crusader! But wait! You may yet meet your match!

The Purr-Fect Crime [1.19][edit]

Batman: You feline devil. What have you done with Robin?
Catwoman: Is that any way to greet an old friend? Not even a hello, how are you?

Batman: Robin, you haven't fastened your safety bat-belt.
Robin: We're only going a couple of blocks.
Batman: It won't be long until you are old enough to get a driver's license, Robin, and you'll be able to drive the Batmobile and other vehicles. Remember motorist safety.
Robin: Gosh, Batman, when you put it that way.

Better Luck Next Time [1.20][edit]

[Catwoman is about to feed Robin to a tiger.]
Robin: Catwoman, you are not a nice person.

The Penguin Goes Straight [1.21][edit]

Robin: When we put the fake jewels in Miss Starr's safe and take the real ones out, we could be nailed as crooks.
Batman: That's a chance we have to take, Robin. In our well-ordered society, protection of private property is essential.
Robin: Yes, you're right, Batman. That's the keystone to all law and order.

Narrator: Great Scott, Alfred! Have you forgotten? Batman told you to switch cigarette holders with the Penguin! You're meant to palm off the trick one with the tiny super-powered transmitter inside! Quick, before it's too late! Create that diversion!

Not Yet, He Ain't [1.22][edit]

[Batman and Robin jump into the Penguin Protection Agency, Batman growling]
Penguin: Well, the costumed crooks! The dressed-up desperadoes!
Batman: Your super-brain power has driven us MAD, Penguin!
Robin: Something SNAPPED!
Batman: We don't care if we go up the river for a hundred years, we're getting you first!!
Penguin: Quick, my finks! Self-defense! The dynamic duo has flipped their wings!

Penguin: Back from the grave, you tricksters, eh?!
Robin: Back to send you on a honeymoon cruise, Penguin...up the river to the pen!
Batman: "Gone straight", huh?!
Robin: We'll straighten YOU out!!

The Ring of Wax [1.23][edit]

Batman: Have you seen any unusual looking people around here?
Librarian: Unusual? In what way, unusual?
Batman: Their garb. For instance, a man wearing a bright green suit with big black question marks on it.
Librarian: Let me think a moment. No, I can't say that I have offhand, but then I see so many people in the course of a day.

Robin: Why did you steal that book on the lost treasure of the Incas?
Riddler: For two people about to become human candles, you ask a lot of questions!
Batman: I'm always interested in the way of the criminal mind.

Give 'em the Axe [1.24][edit]

Moth: Oh, Batman, honey, Moth has learned her lesson, really she has. Crime doesn't pay!
Batman: Unfortunately you've learned your lesson too late, Moth. A moth who flies around candles is liable to get burned.

Bruce: Most Americans don't realize what we owe to the ancient Incas. Very few appreciate they gave us the white potato and many varieties of Indian corn.
Dick: Now whenever I eat mashed potatoes, I for one will think of the Incas.

The Joker Trumps an Ace [1.25][edit]

[Batman and Robin are on a golf course in the Batmobile.]
Robin: Let's get going and make an emergency bat-turn!
Batman: Not this time, old chum. Have to think of the golfers. The retro-rockets would burn up the course for a hundred yards.

Dick: [working on a jigsaw puzzle] It's so much harder with the pieces upside down.
Bruce: Of course. Think of what excellent training it is for your visual memory.
Dick: Gosh yes, I guess that's true.

Batman Sets the Pace [1.26][edit]

Henchman #1: Hey boss, hey boss, boss, boss, boss, look, look, look, they're up in the chimney!
Joker: I know that you fool!
Henchman #1: Well how'd they get up there?
Joker: [Sarcastically] They took the elevator, what do you think!

Robin: How far did you say that room was underground?
Batman: About 50 feet. Enough to give us good momentum.
Robin: Oh boy, I'll say. Can I go first? I want to see their faces.
Batman: [Holding Robin back] Dynamic seniority.

The Curse of Tut [1.27][edit]

King Tut: [to Nefertiti] Nefertiti, you abandoned wench. How many times must I tell you?! Queens consume nectar and ambrosia, not hot dogs!
Nefertiti: So I get hungry. Living on nothing but figs and dates and pomegranate. You wanna bite?
King Tut: Aah! Unclean. I must proclaim my reincarnation to the faithful. Give me the telephone.

The Pharaoh's in a Rut [1.28][edit]

Batman: In the name of mercy, think back to the days when you were a distinguished professor at Yale University. Give yourself up; I vow that you'll receive the finest medical attention.
King Tut: Chief Torturer, what's the pebble count on Batman?
Chief Torturer: 297, Oh Great Pharaoh!
King Tut: Speed it up!

Batman: Human mechanisms are made by human hands, Robin. None of them is infallible. It is a lesson which must be faced.

The Bookworm Turns [1.29][edit]

Dick: [after seeing Commissioner Gordon apparently shot to death on TV] Holy homicide! Tell me I'm having a nightmare!
Bruce: Steady, Dick. It happened all right.
Dick: Commissioner Gordon - killed!
Bruce: This is one time we DON'T wait for the Batphone!

Robin: [about Lydia Limpet] Gosh, Batman, those look like honest eyes.
Batman: Never trust the old chestnut, "Crooks have beady little eyes". It's false.

While Gotham City Burns [1.30][edit]

Batman: Don't interrupt! I'm trying to fathom the sub-conscience of a deadly criminal!

Death in Slow Motion [1.31][edit]

[Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara are under the influence of Riddler's Temper Tonic]
Gordon: Maury Wills better than Honus Wagner?
O'Hara: 50 times better.
Gordon: You're an ignorant oaf, Chief O'Hara. I wonder why I keep you in my department.
O'Hara: [sarcastically] Your royal highness! Often I wondered why I don't resign.

Von Bloheim: Achtung! Der Fledermaus! The Batman spots us!

The Riddler's False Notion [1.32][edit]

Pauline: My name is Pauline. My lawyer's name is Mr. Oliver Wendell. Why don't you look him up and buzz him?
Gordon: No use, Batman. She's hard as nails.
O'Hara: Knows her legal rights, too.
Batman: A frustrated, would-be actress. A star that was never born. Venting her disappointment on society.

Riddler: [holding up Van Jones] Mr. Van Jones, why are you like a clock at midnight? Answer: because both your hands are goin' straight up right now!

Fine Finny Fiends [1.33][edit]

Batman: [about to cross the street] Remember Robin, always look both ways.

Batman Makes the Scenes [1.34][edit]

Batman: the Movie (1966) [1.35][edit]

Miss Kitka: When I close my eyes, I imagine a world at peace.
Bruce: That's strange... when I close my eyes, I imagine something quite astonishingly different.

Robin: A giant cake of foam rubber! What are the chances?
Batman: I'd say the odds against it would make even the most reckless gambler cringe!

Season 2[edit]

Shoot a Crooked Arrow [2.01][edit]

Batman: He's from Philadelphia.
Dick Clark: How did you know?
Batman: You dipped your diphthong. People from Philadelphia are known for that.

Walk the Straight and Narrow [2.02][edit]

Batman: We've got your number, Archer.
The Archer: Impossible, my dear Sheriff of Gothamham. My number's unlisted.

Alan A. Dale: I like that cape, Batman. Very chic.

Hot Off the Griddle [2.03][edit]

Batman: Remember the Boy Scouts' motto.
Robin: 'Be prepared'.
Batman: It would do well to keep that in mind at all times.

Robin: Holy oleo!
Catwoman: I didn't know you could yodel.

The Cat and the Fiddle [2.04][edit]

Robin: Boy! That was our closest call ever! I have to admit that I was pretty scared!
Batman: I wasn't scared in the least.
Robin: Not at all?
Batman: Haven't you noticed how we always escape the vicious ensnarements of our enemies?
Robin: Yeah, because we're smarter than they are!
Batman: I like to think it's because our hearts are pure.

Catwoman: Batman, you saved my life!
Batman: It was the least I could do.
Catwoman: How can I ever combat you again after all you've done for me?
Batman: Let's hope it never comes to that, Catwoman, because, in the end, veracity and rectitude always triumph.
Catwoman: Batman...are you spoken for?
Batman: Huh?
Catwoman: Married, engaged, or going steady?
Batman: My crime fighting leaves me little time for social engagements.
Catwoman: Boy...have I got a girl for you!

The Minstrel's Shakedown [2.05][edit]

The Minstrel: [strums his lyre and sings, to the tune of "Rock-A-Bye Baby"] Batman and Robin, rotate and revolve.
As the heat grows, your bodies dissolve.
When it's still hotter, then you will melt.
Nothing left but your utility belt.
Robin: [as he and Batman are spun around on the rotating spit] Is this it, Batman? Is this the end??
Batman: If it is...let's not lose our dignity!

Barbecued Batman? [2.06][edit]

The Minstrel: [strumming his lyre again, to the tune of "Rock-A-Bye Baby"]
Batman and Robin, rotate and revolve.
As the heat mounts, you'll lose all resolve.
In a few minutes, we will be prepared
to leave you here cooking and exit this lair.

The Spell of Tut [2.07][edit]

Robin: But what is it?
Batman: Saribus Sacer. A species of ancient Egyptian beetle, sacred to the Sun God, Hymeopolos. And from which the term scarab is derived. But, you should know that, Robin, if you are up on your studies of Egyptology.
Robin: You're right.

Batman: I know. Hieroglyphics self-taught are a chore, Robin; but, it is a surefire way to unravel the secrets of the ancient mystics.

Tut's Case Is Shut [2.08][edit]

Batman: Experience teaches slowly, Robin. And at a cost of many mistakes.

[Chief O'Hara leads away King Tut, who is back in his persona of Professor McElroy]
King Tut: I'm a professor at Yale! You can't-! The PTA shall hear of this!....

The Greatest Mother of Them All [2.09][edit]

Batman: Ma Parker's girl is more dangerous than her three boys.
Robin: Her legs sort of reminded me of Catwoman's.
Batman: You're growing up, Robin. Remember, in crime-fighting always keep your sights raised.

Ma Parker [2.10][edit]

Dick: Gosh Bruce, Greek is still Greek to me.
Aunt Harriet: It's Greek to a lot of Greeks too. It's one of the world's oldest, most important, most beautiful languages.
Dick: It may be, Aunt Harriet, but can't we take a breather and work out in the gym for a while?
Aunt Harriet: But the mind needs exercise too, Dick.
Dick: Well, my mind is getting muscle-bound.
Bruce: Ahhh, there is an old saying, Dick. A sound mind and a sound body. A worthy goal.

The Clock King's Crazy Crimes [2.11][edit]

Clock King: Some people kill time, but this time, time is going to kill you!

Robin: I AM a little hungry.
Batman: Of course, Robin. Even crime-fighters must eat. And especially you. You're a growing boy and you need your nutrition.

The Clock King Gets Crowned [2.12][edit]

Second Hand Three: You've done what nobody else could have done. You've finished off Batman and Robin. [followed by applause]
Clock King: Thank you. I deserve it, of course, but I thank you.

Clock King: No! It can't be true! You're dead! You have to be dead!
Robin: Maybe we're living on borrowed time!
Batman: But now, it's round-up time!

An Egg Grows in Gotham [2.13][edit]

The Yegg Foes in Gotham [2.14][edit]

Robin: We better hurry, Batman.
Batman: Not too fast, Robin. In good bat-climbing, as in good driving, one must never sacrifice safety for speed.
Robin: Right again, Batman.

Egghead: Woe is me. My criminal career is now eggstinct!
Batman: Foolish, evil man!
Robin: You're going to go where all the broken eggshells end up: in the garbage!

The Devil's Fingers [2.15][edit]

Gordon: Switchboard, Commissioner Gordon here. Plug me in at once into the Hotline Batphone circuit.
Alfred: I regret to say, sir, Batman and Robin are not at present available.
Gordon: What? Surely, you, you must be jesting.
Alfred: Alas, sir, I am not. Batman is enjoying one of his infrequent vacations.
Gordon: Ohh! Catastrophic! Unprecedented! Batman and Robin not available! You know what this means, don't you?
O'Hara: If you're thinking what I'm afraid you're thinking.
Gordon: Precisely, Chief O'Hara. The moment we've dreaded for years has arrived. This time, we're going to have to solve a case ourselves.

Batman: Who attacked you?
Chandell: I've covered for the fiend long enough. It was my criminal twin brother--Harry
Robin: Holy fratricide! Any idea where he hangs out?
Chandell: As a matter of fact, yes. His lair is an abandoned music roll factory. 20 B Front Street. Zip code, 9999979.

The Dead Ringers [2.16][edit]

Robin: Holy Metronome! What a fate--punched into player-piano rolls!
Batman: True, Robin, scarcely an end I'd rather anticipate! Life--a cupful of surprises to the last drop!

Robin: Self-control is sure tough sometimes, Batman!
Batman: All virtues are, old chum. Indeed, that's why they're virtues.

Hizzonner the Penguin [2.17][edit]

Penguin: [to his election crew] Plenty of girls and bands and slogans and lots of hoopla, but remember, no politics. Issues confuse people!

Penguin: That Batman won't garner enough votes to become elected dogcatcher!

Dizzonner the Penguin [2.18][edit]

Robin: [to Batman, after falling in, but surviving, the sulphuric acid deathtrap] Good thing we just got these new acid-proof suits, Batman!

Batman: [to an offer from the Democratic National Committee] But I thought you already had a candidate for 1968.

Green Ice [2.19][edit]

Robin: Gosh Batman, dig those flavors; Lemon-Lime, Orange, Raspberry, Pineapple...
Mr. Freeze: Pick your choice, Boy Wonder!

Mr. Freeze: [recurring line] Wild!

Deep Freeze [2.20][edit]

Batman: Tarnished reputations are unfortunate, Robin. We can live with those. However, a threat to all of Gotham City is something else.

Batman: We have tickets for tonight's finals in the Gotham City Miss Galaxy contest. I know Robin is a little young for this sort of thing, but...
Robin: I'm not gonna be young all my life, Batman, and besides beauty contests are practically an American institution.
Batman: You see, gentlemen, such pure logic is indisputable.

The Impractical Joker [2.21][edit]

Cornelia: It's a cool pad, Joker.
Joker: Huh, all you've seen of this cool pad, Cornelia, is that mirror. Vanity is a waste of time. I never look at myself.
Cornelia: Well I'm younger, Joker, and a girl; and it is a cool pad.
Joker: Well, it will do for the purpose.

Sam Stone: Your daily workout, Batman?
Batman: Yes, crimefighters have to stay in shape, but you know that.
Sam Stone: Well, my job's a little easier. Sometimes, a fast gun has the edge on a fast batrope. I'm not invading your territory, I'm just tracking down a clue incognito.
Batman: Welcome, and good luck. If you need help, you can always locate us through Commissioner Gordon's office.
Robin: The Batphone number's is unlisted.
Sam Stone: Smart thinking. Don't slip.

The Joker's Provokers [2.22][edit]

Robin: And if you want to pollute any more water, you'll find plenty where you're going -- up the river!!

Latch: This joke of the Joker's don't strike me as being too funny. What if we get caught?
Bolt: We won't Latch. Think of all we owe the Joker. The fine things he's done for us: Sneaking those files into the prison; dumping our parole officer in the Gotham River; kidnapping that entire jury, and holding the judge's wife as hostage. He's been a real friend.
Latch: You're right, Bolt. There should be more fine, upstanding men like the Joker.

Marsha, Queen of Diamonds [2.23][edit]

Narrator: Watch out, Batman! The powers of darkness lurk in this room!

Robin: [to Marsha] Batman's never rude to a lady. But you're no lady.

Marsha's Scheme of Diamonds [2.24][edit]

[after the minister is presented a supposedly legitimate marriage certificate]

Minister: Why didn't you tell me about this, Batman?
Batman: It, um, slipped my mind?
Minister: Slipped your mind indeed. I am not in the habit of marrying bigamists.
Marsha: [after scanning the marriage certificate] Why you two-timing Bat-fink!

Alfred: [to Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara] My experience with women has been that they tend to believe what they want to believe. So, knowing you both to be conscientious gentlemen and faithful husbands, I'm sure that if you just tell both your wives that you were involved in some special and, uh, confidential assignment, that will suffice.
Commissioner Gordon: Have you ever been married?
Alfred: Eh -- Well, no, no.
Commissioner Gordon: Alfred, at the risk of sounding pompous, experience with women and experience with wives are two vastly different things.
Chief O'Hara: Amen.

Come Back, Shame [2.25][edit]

Shame: I'll bet you are probably wondering what all this is for.
Batman: That thought did cross my mind.
Shame: Pretty soon I'm gonna shoot this trusty six-shooter of mine. and when I do, a herd of cattle is gonna come stomping this way. in a mighty big hurry.
Robin: Holy stampede!
Shame: Now, those cows don't stop coming for no man. Not even you, Bat Fella. And when they get through stomping. There ain't gonna be enough of you left to put in a thimble.
Batman: Shame on you, Shame!
Shame: Watch your tongue. Hasta la vista, partners. I'll tell everybody you died with your Bat Boots on. [laughs maniacally]

It's the Way You Play the Game [2.26][edit]

Robin: I always thought they [bulls] went for red capes, Batman.
Batman: Merely an affectation, Robin. Something to make the corrida seem more colorful. Actually, bulls are color-blind. They react to movement, not to color.
Robin: Holy toreador!
Batman: The word is "matador", Robin. "Toreador" is a word of convenience used by Bizet in his classic opera Carmen.
Robin: Holy matador, then!
Batman: Very apt.

Robin: But he knows that we know about his hideout there!
Batman: Correct! However, knowing that, he'd think that we'd think he would not return there, therefore he did and so will we!
Robin: Holy Bat Logic.

The Penguin's Nest [2.27][edit]

Robin: It sure is a shame, Batman. A restaurant with such terrific chow turning out to be a mere front for some criminal scheme.
Batman: Look at it this way, Robin. That $100 cover charge is pretty stiff. Penguin's "terrific chow" is hardly within the budget of the average worker.
Robin: Gosh yes, you're right, Batman. All the needy people in the world, all the hungry children.
Batman: Good thinking, Robin.

The Bird's Last Jest [2.28][edit]

Chickadee [holding her umbrella-gun to Aunt Harriet's head]: Batman! Stop or I blow the lady's brains out! Batman!
[Alfred pops out of the giant pie and tries to wrestle the gun out of Chickadee's hands. Harriet smashes a vase on Chickadee's head, knocking her out]
Alfred: Well hit, madam!
[Harriet faints]

The Cat's Meow [2.29][edit]

Robin: I guess you can never trust a woman.
Batman: You've made a hasty generalization, Robin. It's a bad habit to get into.

Batman: [to Robin] When you get a little older, you'll see how easy it is to become lured by the female of the species.

The Bat's Kow Tow [2.30][edit]

[Batman and Robin are untying each other after escaping the echo chamber]
Robin: Wow! I think I'll be hard of hearing for a while!
Batman: What?!!
Batman: You'll have to speak louder, Robin! I think I'll be hard of hearing for a while!

Catwoman: Shall I steal your voice or end your life?
Batman: Whichever you decide, I'm sure it'll be the wrong choice.

The Puzzles Are Coming [2.31][edit]

Puzzler: There's something in the wind, Caped Crusaders.
Robin: Holy Graf Zeppelin, an aerial balloon.
Puzzler: And here's another little surprise for you. You see this altimeter? When you reach 20,000 feet, an automatic mechanism will release the basket from the balloon, and you both will reaffirm Newton's law of universal gravitation - back down 20,000 feet!
Robin: I'll bet even Shakespeare didn't have words for such villainy!
Puzzler: Glider, Blimpy.

Ramjet: [to Batman and Robin, who are in Puzzler's hot-air balloon trap] Hey, you guys want some gum?
Puzzler: Really, Ramjet!
Ramjet: That's what they give you in the airlines before you take off.
Batman: No, thank you.
Robin: Litter bug.
Puzzler: Now, for the launching, give me the dagger. This is the unkindest cut of all. Farewell, Dynamic Duo. Bon voyage, happy landings. Adieu, adieu, remember me.

The Duo Is Slumming [2.32][edit]

Santa Claus: Ho Ho Ho!!!
Robin: Say hi to those 8 tiny reindeer for us.
Santa: I will!!
Batman and Robin: Merry Christmas Santa.
Santa: Merry Christmas everybody Ho Ho Ho!!!!
Batman: If you can't trust Santa, whom can you trust?

The Sandman Cometh [2.33][edit]

[After arriving back at the Batcave]
Robin: That was a quick trip!
Batman: Commissioner Gordon and Chief O'Hara didn't have much to offer.
Robin: 1) A Policewoman's vanished. 2) Catwoman and Sandman are apparently in cahoots. 3) A girl was abducted from a store window. 4) She turned up on television, and 5) She disappeared. You're right, Batman. It's nothing.
Batman: Of course. As Commissioner Gordon says, it all could be building up to something. Let's try putting ourselves in Sandman's shoes. What would he be after?
Robin: Money! Isn't that what we've always heard?
Batman: Exactly, old chum. And into whose eyes would he sprinkle his sand to get that money?
Robin: Someone very rich.
Batman: And very likely, someone who has trouble sleeping. Oh — why the pointed plug on television for "Dr. Somnambula"?
Robin: Holy alter ego! You think Sandman and Dr. Somnambula are one and the same?
Batman: I do, Robin! And I also think that ersatz "Sleeping Beauty" is... Catwoman. And it's all some murky masquerade to hoodwink our hapless, sleepless money bags. Now, can you name some famous insomniacs?
Robin: Well, there was Olaf the Sad, of Norway.
Batman: He's been dead for 800 years.
Robin: And that famous Chinese historian, Fo Hap Chung!
Batman: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Born with no eyelids.
Robin: How about the French empress, whose head stayed awake even after she'd been guillotined?
Batman: Poor creature. No! No, it must be someone here in Gotham City, right now. Let's give the Batcomputer a crack at it.
[They go to the terminal and enter it in. Suddenly, a clump of pink strings start oozing out of the punchcard slot.]
Robin: Batman, LOOK! What skinny macaroni!
Batman: No... It's spaghetti, Robin. A variety of alimentary paste; larger than vermicelli, but not as tubular as mac— [Bell dings] That's it. Spaghetti! J. PAULINE SPAGHETTI! One of the richest women in the world, who made a fortune in noodles — and who searched the world over for a solution to her sleeping problems.
Robin: Is that the J. Pauline Spaghetti who owns the J. Pauline Spaghetti Hotel?
Batman: One and the same. And she's right here, at that hotel, in Gotham City, now! There isn't a second to waste, Robin! [they race back to the Batmobile.]

Sandman: It's naptime for both of you!

The Catwoman Goeth [2.34][edit]

Sandman: To the medical eye such childish claptrap means just one thing, young man: You need some sleep.

The Contaminated Cowl [2.35][edit]

The Mad Hatter: This phase of my career will never be over, until I have The Caped Crusader's cowl safely in my custody!

The Mad Hatter Runs Afoul [2.36][edit]

Mad Hatter: Who made Batman and Robin famous crime fighters? Criminals, that's who. If you want to show a little respect to the departed, stay crooked! That's the least you can do.

Batman: Right now, Robin and I are off to nail Mad Hatter.
Gordon: The Mad Hatter? At a time like this? Who cares about that pipsqueak's inconsequential crimes?
Batman: Any crime, no matter how large or small, Commissioner Gordon, is a violation of a public right and common law, and the criminal or criminals committing such an offense must be apprehended, for the sake of all human morality.

The Zodiac Crimes [2.37][edit]

Joker: Oh, The caped crusaders don't know what's in store for them. At long last, I'll have them out of my way permanently.
Mercury: That's a long time, Joker.
Joker: The proceeds from my zodiac crimes will give me what I've always wanted. Complete control of Gotham City. Oh, yes. The caped crusaders are now solidly star-crossed. Venus. Venus, will you stop bouncing?
Venus: Your orders, Joker. A larcenous mind in a limber body. we must stay trim.
Joker: No.
Venus: Batman's no fool.
Joker: He's no match for me with the stars as my guide. Oh, get the door, Mercury.
Truck Driver: Freight shipment. Collect. Two thousand four hundred fifty dollars.
Mercury: What?
Joker: Just pay him, Mercury. Quick, give me a hand with this. Ha-ha-ha! Careful now. Careful.
Venus: What's inside, Joker? $2000 is a lot of money!
Joker: Ah, this merchandise is WORTH $2000!
[Penguin pops out of the box.]
Penguin: It's worth $200,000, you cheapskate! At least you could have sent me a plane ticket!
Joker: We had to get you into Gotham City without anyone knowing about it, Pengy. Especially Batman.
Penguin: You better have something good cooked up for that caped creep.
Joker: Oh, don't you worry, Pengy. The pot's being put on the fire right now, and Batman's in it.
Penguin: Oh, you are a man after my own heart, Joker.
Joker: Black, eh?
Penguin: Black as pitch.

Robin: Venus seemed like a nice girl in that costume.
Batman: I suspect she is a nice girl down deep, but she's fallen in with bad companions. And who knows what her home life was like?

The Joker's Hard Times [2.38][edit]

The Penguin Declines [2.39][edit]

Joker: Where are Uranus and Mars? They should have completed Operation Laundry Bag by now.
Mercury: Maybe they ran into some trouble with the prison guards.
Joker: They better not. Operation Laundry Bag must be successful... in order for me to complete Aquarius and Capricorn. The final two crimes of my zodiac. Ha, ha. They're here. Yeah. Well, where is he?
Mars: In the bag.
Joker: Stupid. Why didn't you let him out?
Mars: We didn't have a chance. Warden Crichton's boys chased us all the way from the prison.
Joker: Well, quick, help me get him out.
Penguin: Waugh, waugh, waugh. You dolts. You buffoons. I might have suffocated.
Mars: I'm sorry, Pengy. I didn't mean to...
Penguin: "Pengy"? Mr. Penguin to you, sir.
Joker: Numskull, get Penguin's clothes for him! Hurry!
Penguin: Get my clothes for me? I've got them on!
Joker: Oh, so you do! For a minute, I thought those were prison issue!
Penguin: Prison issue?! This sartorial triumph, a prison issue?!
Joker: Well, sometime I'll give you the name of my tailor!
Penguin: Sometime I'll give you a piece of my mind! Like right now!!
Mars: I don't have any other clothes for him, Joker. But... But I got news for you. Saturn called from the other hideout. Venus and the Caped Crusaders are gone.
Joker: Well, of course they're gone. The clam made a good meal out of them. Ha-ha-ha!
Mercury: The Batmobile's gone too, from outside. The clam could haven't eaten that.
Joker: Are you trying to tell me Batman, Robin and Venus could all have escaped my clam trap?
Mars: Yeah, that's the way it looks from here, Joker.
Joker: Oh, Pengy. Then I really need your help.
Penguin: To do what?
Joker: To terminate Batman once and for all. While I conclude my Zodiac Crimes.
Penguin: Now you're talking. Together to the end, Jokey. Batman's end.

That Darn Catwoman [2.40][edit]

Catwoman: Robin, get the money.
Batman: [entering from behind a curtain] Don't do it Robin! She's got you under the influence of some sort of drug, Robin.
Robin: Who's the character in the ridiculous costume?
Catwoman: [laughs] That's Batman.
Batman: You don't recognize me, Robin? What a dastardly turn of events this is.

Catwoman: Robin?
Robin: Yeah?
Catwoman: Slay the blue dragon.
Robin: Groovy.
Batman: Oh, no.
Robin: Oh, yes.

Scat, Darn Catwoman [2.41][edit]

O'Hara: What she (Pussycat) needs is a good slap on the wrist.
Gordon: That's enough. You know I'm violently opposed to police brutality.

Batman: Chief O'Hara, may I have the keys to your patrol car?
Chief O'Hara: ...are you insured?
Comissioner Gordon: Give him the keys, O'Hara!
Chief O'Hara: Yes, sir.

Penguin Is a Girl's Best Friend [2.42][edit]

Penguin Sets a Trend [2.43][edit]

Robin: That's an impossible shot, Batman.
Batman: That's a negative attitude, Robin.

Penguin's Disastrous End [2.44][edit]

Batman: [after cracking a safe] It's not difficult, if you have steady nerves and a good ear. Quality is destroyed by the tenor of criminal life.

Batman's Anniversary [2.45][edit]

Down: [after successfully robbing a flooded band and escaping the dynamic duo] Worked like a charm, Riddler!
Riddler: Why not? There's a difference between a batman and a frogman!! One quick stop and then lets go dry our money!!!

Batman: Only The Riddler and his ilk would have such a flagrant disregard for private property! This door will have to be repaired.

A Riddling Controversy [2.46][edit]

Batman: I always imagined it would end differently, but yet less ignominiously. To drown in my own anniversary cake!

Riddler: How can you LAMEBRAINS play CARDS at a time like this?!!!

The Joker's Last Laugh [2.47][edit]

Dick: Gosh, Economics is sure a dull subject.
Bruce: Oh, you must be jesting, Dick. Economics dull? The glamour, the romance of commerce... Hmm. It's the very lifeblood of our country's society.

The Joker's Epitaph [2.48][edit]

Joker: We who laugh and run away, live to laugh another day!

Robin: [(After Bruce explains how his ventriloquism skills allowed Alfred to imitate his voice)] Gosh, yes, I should have thought of that.
Bruce: Ah, don't blame yourself, Robin. It's sometimes difficult to think clearly when you're strapped to a printing press.

Catwoman Goes to College [2.49][edit]

Catwoman: [after putting Batman & Robin under with a spray] Fools. Don't they know that tears are a woman's most effective weapon?

Batman Displays His Knowledge [2.50][edit]

Catwoman: I could give you more happiness than anyone in the world.
Batman: How do you propose to do that?
Catwoman: By being your partner in life, I mean it's me and you against the world.
Batman: What about Robin?
Catwoman: Hmmm... I know. We'll kill him.

[Catwoman's men appear and confront Batman.]

Batman: So, you didn't tell the truth [about coming alone].
Catwoman: Did you ever hear of a crook who did?
Batman: The odds seem about right -- four against one.
Robin: [appearing from behind some furniture] Four against two, Batman!
Batman: Robin!
Robin: I couldn't resist. [staying away] You were taken in by her [sniffs], but I'm too young for that sort of thing!
Batman: Out of the mouths of Boy Wonders ofttimes come gems.

A Piece of the Action [2.51][edit]

Batman: That's one trouble with dual identities, Robin. Dual responsibilities.

Batman's Satisfaction [2.52][edit]

Kato: Kung fu is kung fu- it's not child's play.

Kato: I'm glad those guys are on our side, even though they don't know it.

King Tut's Coup [2.53][edit]

King Tut: If the Caped Crumb is here, the cowled creep can't be far behind.

King Tut: It isn't that I love you any less, Batman. Simply that I love me more.

Batman's Waterloo [2.54][edit]

King Tut: When we get to the Royal Oil Boiling Room, be sure to prepare some real boiling royal boiling oil to boil the Boy Wonder in. Royally.

Lisa: Would you like to come in for a glass of milk and cookies?
Bruce: I'm afraid it's rather late. Why, it's 10:30!

Black Widow Strikes Again [2.55][edit]

Batman: [to Black Widow] I never touch spirits. Have you some milk?

Caught in the Spider's Den [2.56][edit]

Robin: [After the Black Widow has hypnotized Batman] Batman, I need you to sing a song! That way I can free you from the Black Widow's evil thrall!
Batman: Very well, Robin. I think a little Gilbert & Sullivan... [Picks up flower] I'm called Little... Buttercup... Poor Little... Buttercup... Though I could... never tell... why...

Pop Goes the Joker [2.57][edit]

Joker: Ewww. Well, that's terrible. Terrible, Wayne. Why, even a 3-year old could do better than that. Here, let me show you. [Joker works with the clay and ruins the sculpture.] Ah, there, that's more like it.
Bruce Wayne: Yes. I see what you mean. That's about the level of a 3-year old.
Joker: I do the jokes around here, Wayne!
Bruce Wayne: I say that was one of your better ones.

Flop Goes the Joker [2.58][edit]

Joker: Where's Bruce Wayne?
Alfred: Mr. Wayne is not at home, sir.
Joker: Too bad. I'll get my revenge later. Right now, I'll settle for cash. Where's the safe?
Alfred: My duties do not include aiding and abetting thievery.
Joker: Oh, no? [points a gun at Baby Jane's head]
Alfred: ...right this way, sir.

[The Joker is helplessly stuck on the Bat-pole.]
Joker: Alfred, old pal! Have pity! [whimpers]
Alfred: We Anglo-finks have a long memory.
[Alfred sends Joker screaming back down the Bat-pole.]
Alfred: [to himself] I really shouldn't take pleasure in another creature's misfortunes. But, uh, occasionally, one may be forgiven for a slight twinge of satisfaction.

Ice Spy [2.59][edit]

Batman: In fact, Mr. Wayne is taking Mrs. Harriet Cooper, a devotee of Miss Glaze's, backstage before the performance to meet the dazzling star.
Robin: While Dick Grayson, I suppose, stays home and works on his essay on glaciers?
Batman: Right again, Robin.

Robin: [to Carpet King] You must be that gentleman I've read about. Aren't you a king or something?
Batman: Robin, England has no king now. England has a queen, and a great lady she is, too.

The Duo Defy [2.60][edit]

Robin: To the batcave?
Batman: And up the batpoles.
Robin: The batpoles?
Batman: Even crimefighters need their sleep, Robin.

Robin: Where'd you get a live fish, Batman?
Batman: The true crimefighter always carries everything he needs in his utility belt, Robin.

Season 3[edit]

Enter Batgirl, Exit Penguin [3.01][edit]

Penguin: I don't know whether to call him "daddy" or just Commissioner.
[Batman and Robin arrive]
Batman: If I were you, Penguin, I'd call help right now!
Robin: When we get through with you, Penguin, you'll be hollering "uncle" instead of "daddy"!

Robin: Batman, maybe I should stay home tonight. Homework, you know.
Batman: I think you should acquire a taste for opera, Robin, as one does for poetry and olives.

Ring Around the Riddler [3.02][edit]

Batgirl: What's up your sleeve this time?
Riddler: Up my sleeve, Batgirl? Riddle me once: what's most alluring when it's highest or lowest; when it's in the air or in a hole; when it's served you, yet you can't touch it? An enchanting ace!

Riddler: Riddle me this, Batman: what are the chilliest 12 inches in the world?
Batman: Cold feet!
Riddler: Excellent! What suite of cards lays eggs?
Batman: One that's chicken-hearted. Now listen to this, Riddler, sticks and stones may break my bones...
Riddler: Now you listen to me, Batman! My line is plugged into radio station GTZR! That means that all of Gotham City...[giggles]...has heard you called...[giggles]...a coward! [giggles full time]

The Wail of the Siren [3.03][edit]

Batgirl, Batgirl!
Batgirl, Batgirl!
Where do you come from? Where do you go?
What is your scene? Baby, we just gotta know!

Batgirl, Batgirl!
Batgirl, Batgirl!
Are you a chick who fell in from outer space,
Or are you real with a tender warm embrace?
Yeah, whose baby are you?
Batgirl, Batgirl!
Batgirl, Batgirl!
Yeah, whose baby are you?
~ The Batgirl theme song

The Sport of Penguins [3.04][edit]

[The Dynamic Duo re-enter the Batmobile and discover that they have been glued to the seats, thanks to Penguin]
Robin: Holy mucilage!!
Batman: Things... are... about... to... get... stickier, Robin.

A Horse of Another Color [3.05][edit]

[Dick is excited about Waynebow, Bruce's prize-winning stallion.]
Dick: Bruce, let me ride Waynebow. I'm light enough.
Bruce: No, Dick, I couldn't allow my own ward to ride my own thoroughbred. People might think it was funny.

The Unkindest Tut of All [3.06][edit]

Batman: Of course! It's staring us right in our masks, Robin. That quote is on line 769 of Chapter 14, Scroll 32 of the 13th section of the works of Ramses the Bald, one of the many ancient and irreplaceable scrolls at the Gotham City library.
Robin: How could I have missed that one?

King Tut: Perhaps a clue will turn up. Ooh, Tutlings, we have performed the most marvelous theft. The golden statue of Osorkon is almost within our grasp. Osiris, Nubis, gather up these scrolls and Let's make tracks!
Batgirl: [suddenly appearing] The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!
King Tut: Batgirl!?
Batgirl: In the flesh.
King Tut: You know, it is against my principles to beat up on a lady, but in your case, I'll make an exception. Get her. Agh. How did you figure out my plan?
Batgirl: Simple. I recognized a quote from the works of Ramses the Bold... and realized then it was the scrolls you were after. I got to the library as you escaped and followed you here.
King Tut: You know, I can always use a smart girl in my line of work. The ones I've had lately are rather inferior. Would you, uh...?
Batgirl: I'm afraid not. Batman and Robin will be here momentarily. I blazed a trail for them. Consider your criminal career kaput.
King Tut: Well, heh. Goodbye, Batgirl.
Batgirl: You're not going anywhere.
King Tut: [smiling] No, but you are...
[Shirley conks Batgirl on the head with the vase]
King Tut: to dreamland! Defeated by a mere wisp of a girl. Now for the second time, let's make tracks!
[Batman and Robin suddenly appear]
Batman: The only tracks you'll be making are straight to the penitentiary!
King Tut: Some sort of delayed echo in here?
Batman: As a duly deputized officer of the law, it's my duty to advise you of your rights.
King Tut: You'll have to catch me first. Get him, get him, get him.

Louie the Lilac [3.07][edit]

Bonnie: Commissioner, there are a bunch of flower children out here to see you.
Gordon: Flower children? Alright, send them...wait a minute, Bonnie, hold on, hold on a second.
Batman: We'll go down the window and go down the Batropes. Otherwise, we'll be mobbed.
O'Hara: Mobbed? In police headquarters?
Robin: The flower children think we're cool, man, like we turn 'em on, you know.
Batman: Yes, please be gentle with your visitors, Commissioner. Although it may not be understood by more literal minds, in their own way, they're doing what they can to correct the world's woes with love and flowers.

Batman: Go back outside and calm the flower children.
Robin: They'll mob me!
Batman: Groovy.

The Ogg and I [3.08][edit]

Egghead: Never mind the pastrami. Chief O'Hara would like to have half a dozen eggs.
Chief O'Hara: Why you...
Egghead: Now! One hand on me and you'll never see your dear commissioner again, Chief.
Chief O'Hara: You win Egghead.
Egghead: Now how did you say you liked your eggs?

How to Hatch a Dinosaur [3.09][edit]

Batman: Too many Bessarovian Cossacks around here, Robin. If I'd joined you in the fight, some of them may have been injured.

Robin: [about Batgirl] She's gone again! For once, Batman, let's follow her.
Batman: No, Robin. With my head sticking out of this neosaurus costume, I might not appear like an ordinary, run of the mill crime fighter.

Surf's Up! Joker's Under! [3.10][edit]

Joker: Then, after I've gotten rid of Batman and Robin for good, I will rule the waves. Me, the Joker, king of the surf and all the surfers. Then, Gotham City! Later, the world!

Robin: [noticing Batgirl has gone] Oh no, Batgirl's not gone again?!
Barbra Gordon: I just passed her in the ladies' locker room. Are you alright Skip?
Skip Parker: I will be... as soon they put me and Joker on that reversearometer and reverse it!

The Londinium Larcenies [3.11][edit]

Bruce: Just because we're traveling, I don't think that Dick should neglect his studies, so we brought along one thousand key works of literature, his biological specimens, and also his own desk.
Dick: Yes, I expect to study hard.

The Foggiest Notion [3.12][edit]

Robin: Let's go!
Batman: Not you, Robin. They have strict licensing laws in this country. A boy of your age is not allowed in a drinking tavern.

Batman: You're far from mod, Robin. And many hippies are older than you are.

The Bloody Tower [3.13][edit]

Lady Prudence [as she is being led away in handcuffs]: Perhaps I should have explained myself to you, Robin. I've been very naughty. I thought that if I could play both sides against one another, I could become ladyship of Ffogg Manor all by myself. But it didn't work.
Robin: No, Lady Prudence, it didn't. But cheerio.

Superintendent Watson: Well, I think this calls for a cup of char at venerable Ireland Yard.
Robin: Char?
Batman: Yes, Robin, a colloquialism for tea.

Catwoman's Dressed to Kill [3.14][edit]

Batgirl: And you, Catwoman, are an even bigger fool than even I thought you were. We who enforce the law would gladly give our lives for it. Batman won't be here. He'll be at the Belgravian embassy thwarting your nefarious scheme.
Catwoman: [to her henchman] Angora. Gag her. Crime fighters are to be seen and not heard.
Catwoman: Let no one say that Catwoman is not the best-dressed woman in the world.
Batman: There are no fashion shows where you're going, Catwoman.
Robin: And how could a feline feloness like you also be a fashion model?
Batman: Ah-ah. Give credit where credit is due, Robin. She may be evil, but she is attractive. You'll know more about that in a couple of years.
Catwoman: No hero worth his salt would let a lady expire. It's foolproof I tell you - purrrfectly foolproof.
Batgirl And you, Catwoman, are an even bigger fool than I thought you were.
Catwoman: Angora, gag her! Crimefighters should be seen and not heard.

[to Batgirl, who is the bait to lure the Caped Crusader away from a visiting Queen he is supposed to be guarding]

Catwoman: You better pray that Batman is a man-man more than he is a police-man.
Catwoman: How can Batgirl be the best anything when Catwoman is around?

[small chuckle]

Catwoman: No Best Dressed list is complete without the addition of the Queen of Criminals, the Princess of Plunder, yours untruly.
Queen Bess: Who are you?
Catwoman: Catwoman!
Queen Bess: Is she on my list for today's audience?
Queen Bess': No, Your Royal Goodness.
Queen Bess: Call my social secretary for an appointment...
Catwoman: [Catwoman sprays the Queen and her attendants with knockout spray] Sorry, Queenie, but I'm anti-social.

[Catwoman orders Batgirl tied to a garment factory pattern cutter]

Catwoman: Yes, my dear, you will make a purrrfect pinafore - the type of garment no one will recognize you in, or as... if you'll pardon a final cutting remark.

The Ogg Couple [3.15][edit]

Dick: [reading in the library] Gosh, Bruce. That Genghis Khan was quite a guy.

Gordon: I'm sure they won't find caviar on the menu at Gotham State Prison.
Batman: Probably not, but they will get a well-balanced diet thanks to Warden Crichton's emphasis on proper nutrition.

The Funny Feline Felonies [3.16][edit]

Joker: Let bygones be bygones. I'd like to shake hands with both of you. Can't we be friends?
Robin: I'd rather shake hands with a spitting cobra!
Batman: You're being cynical, Robin. To err is human, to forgive...divine.
Batman: [After being buzzed by Joker while shaking hands] Another...practical joke, Joker.
Joker: Not exactly Batman, it's my deadly joker buzzer, one by one your five senses will leave you. Then your lungs will collapse, and certainly you'll be KAPUT, FINI, DEFUNCT!

Batman: What took you so long, Batgirl?
Batgirl: Rush hour traffic, plus all the lights were against me. And you wouldn't want me to speed, would you?
Robin: Your good driving habits almost cost us our lives!
Batman: Rules are rules, Robin. But you do have a point.

The Joke's on Catwoman [3.17][edit]

Batman: Cattail Lane and Nine Lives Alley. The Grimalkin Novelty Company is on that corner.
Robin: Grimalkin? What kind of a name is that?
Batman: An obscure but nevertheless acceptable synonym for cat, Robin.

Robin: How about rushing the place, Batman?
Batman: Shh. I think not, Robin. All they've done so far is stolen a few items, attempted to kill you, me, and Batgirl. No, I think they plan something really big.

Louie's Lethal Lilac Time [3.18][edit]

Nora Clavicle and the Ladies' Crime Club [3.19][edit]

Nora: [regarding Batgirl] Oh yes! I forgot about her. With a woman helping them, the Dynamic Duo could give us some trouble...

Nora: [holding a sharp pin to Batgirl's neck] Alright girls, let's tie the Terrific Trio - into Terrific Siamese Human Knots.

Penguin's Clean Sweep [3.20][edit]

Penguin: You used a foul trick to murder those innocent fruit flies!
Batman: You murdered them, Penguin...when you let them out!

[Penguin snatches Chief O'Hara's pocket watch, but then O'Hara and everyone else gets up after pretending to be asleep]
Chief O'Hara: You won't be needin' a watch where you're going!
Penguin: Wha???
Chief O'Hara: You'll need a calendar - a 20-year calendar!
Penguin: This is impossible! You're all infected with Lygerian Sleeping Sickness!
Miss Clean: Oh, you see that's what happens, Pengy-poo, when you're sending off *flies* to do a *man's* job!
Robin: That's right, Pengy-poo! We're just sleepwalking!
Batgirl: What do you say to a little sleep-fighting, Robin?
Robin: Huh! Good idea, Batgirl!

The Great Escape [3.21][edit]

Calamity Jan: [After Chief Standing Pat takes a puff from his cigar] That's how he talks. He said "It's a honor to meet you and I look forward to working with you".
Shame: You got all that with one puff?
Calamity Jan: He talks in shorthand.

Fred: Your lack of coherence is exceeded only by your penchant for gibberish.
Shame: Why thank you kindly, Fred. That's awful nice of you to say.

[Batman an Robin, hoping to rescue a captured Batgirl from Shame, find an unconscious Frontier Fanny instead.]
Robin: They've got Batgirl and we've got Fanny.
Batman: That hardly seems like a fair trade, does it, Robin?

The Great Train Robbery [3.22][edit]

Calamity Jan: Shame, honey, you seen my maw?
Shame: Yeah, I seen too much'a her lately.
Calamity Jan: I think we musta left her at the stable with the horses.
Shame: Well, don't worry, nobody'll notice.
Calamity Jan: Well, we gotta go back and get her.
Shame: No can do, lover. By now, she's probably a prisoner of the police. Might as well give her up for gone.
Calamity Jan: Honey, she's my mother, the only one I got!
Shame: Yeah, I know.
Calamity Jan: Aw, don't be like that. I know she's a battleax and an old owl, but she is my flesh and blood.
Shame: Yeah, I was wondering about that here-didity. What'd your father look like?
Calamity Jan: Oh, he was prettier than my maw.
Shame: Nobody could be uglier.

[Shame pulls a gun out of his hat and points it at Batman, but Batman kicks it out of his hand.]
Shame: No, Batman! I'm sorry! I'd never...never think to...
Batman: Boo!
Shame: [hysterical, grabs Batman by the leg] No, Batman! No!
Batman: Oh, for shame, Shame! You're not worthy of the name 'Shame'! You're a SHAM, Shame! Don't you EVER grab my tights or pull on my leg again!

Shame: When the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 11, that would be...
Calamity Jan: Eleven o'clock, Shame honey.
Shame: Eleven o'clock, Shame honey...doggone it, I know!

I'll Be a Mummy's Uncle [3.23][edit]

Batman: shouldn't take us more than three minutes to run the mile.
Robin: Gosh, Batman, that's a new world's record.
Batman: Breaking world's records is just part of crime fighting, Robin.

Batgirl: Are you ready to be incarcerated, King Tut?
King Tut: With the greatest pleasure. You could jail me for a million years and I wouldn't flinch an inch. Oh, at last, Nirvana is within my grasp.
Commissioner Gordon: You appear to be quite breezy for a man about to be tucked away.
King Tut: I know, and so would you if you knew what I know; and if I know you, no doubt you know what I now know. Why waste my time with someone who knows, I have to find someone who doesn't know. [to Chief O'Hara] Do you know? No.
Batgirl: Sounds like The Riddle of the Sphinx.
King Tut: Nothing so simple as that, dear lady. I hold the key to the riddle of the ages. You're too late, Dynamic Dimwits.
Robin: Holy waste of energy.
Batman: What has he told you?
Chief O'Hara: Nothing. He's been running off at the mouth about some secret or riddle.
King Tut: The beans, so to speak, are about to be spilled. Batman and Robin, prepare to meet the end of your usefulness. Lady and gentlemen, Batman and Robin are... [BABBLES]
Robin: It's only gonna prolong the agony, Batman.
Batman: Not necessarily, Robin. That blow on his head could be exactly what saves us. I certainly hope so.
King Tut: Where am I?
Commissioner Gordon: You were about to tell us a secret, King Tut.
King Tut: King Tut? My name is William Omaha McElroy... and I'm professor of Egyptology at Yale University.
Batgirl: You don't remember what you were going to tell us?
King Tut: Who do you have a purple mask on, lady? I'm going to be late for class.
Commissioner Gordon: Uh, just a moment, professor.
Chief O'Hara: You can't walk off like this.
King Tut: Harvard people, nice speaking to you.

The Joker's Flying Saucer [3.24][edit]

Batman: It is the duty of every good citizen of Gotham City to report meeting a man from Mars in a public park.

Joker: Ha-ha-ha! It's time for my ultimate ultimatum. Hear this. Now hear this. All citizens of Gotham City and the world. this is the Joker speaking to you from outer space. From inner outer space. Yes, advising you to... What's the matter, Verdigris? We've passed the city. We're headed right back to Flying Circus Hill. and the abandoned launching pad factory. Oh. Depress the Aerothermo Turret Resojets. Accelerate the Isothermal Oxyacetylene Vaporometers.
Verdigris: Huh?
Joker: Step on the gas!
Verdigris: This, uh, thingamajig is stuck here.
Joker: But we're headed right back where we started. Ooh! Ooh!
Emerald: Well, at least it was a soft landing, poopsie.
Joker: Yes, but on the wrong planet. I wanted to rule the world from Mars! I like the looks of that place!
[Batman and Robin suddenly appear]
Batman: Yes, I think you'd be more comfortable there at the moment, Joker.

The Entrancing Dr. Cassandra [3.25][edit]

Dr. Cassandra: I intend to succeed where my foremothers failed.
Cabala: Four mothers?
Dr. Cassandra: The ancient alchemy bit has been handed down for generations through the females of my family. All abject failures. Nowheres-ville!
Cabala: Yeah, just like my family. They couldn't wait for the Depression, they went broke during the boom.
Dr. Cassandra: My great-grandmother discovered how to transmute base metals into gold. But she cut out when she added CH3, CH2, H2, and NO2.
Cabala: Put them all together, they spell T-N-T.
Dr. Cassandra: They found pieces of her as far away as Londinium.
Cabala: Man, that was a trip.
Dr. Cassandra: Now Grandma perfected a universal solvent, fell in the stuff and was universally dissolved.
Cabala: Wow.
Dr. Cassandra: We buried her in a thimble.
Cabala: Well, how about dear ol' Mommy-O?
Dr. Cassandra: Ah, dear ol' Mommy-O cashed in when she perfected a perpetual motion machine, tripped... and was ground to bits by it.
Cabala: Man, you sure come from a long line of winnners, baby.

[Robin looks at Batgirl.]
Robin: You know something, Batman?
Batman: What's that, Robin?
Robin: She looks very pretty when she's asleep.
Batman: I thought you might eventually notice that. That single statement indicates to me the first oncoming thrust of manhood, old chum.

Minerva, Mayhem and Millionaires [3.26][edit]

Gordon: Batman, you unscrambled that safe's combination in three seconds flat! How did you do it?
Batman: With my Three-Seconds-Flat-Bat-Combination-Unscrambler, Commissioner.

Robin: What happened to Batgirl?!
Batman: Who knows, Robin? Who ever knows?
[The last original scene of the series]

Unidentified episode[edit]

Batman: That's life, Robin, full of ups and downs. It ill befits any of us to become too confident.


Alfred (whispering into Bruce Wayne's ear): It's the Bat-Phone, sir.
Bruce Wayne/Batman: To the Batpoles!
Bruce Wayne/Batman: To the Batcave!
Bruce Wayne/Batman: To the Batmobile!
Dick Grayson/Robin: Holy (subject), Batman!
Narrator: (at end of episode) Tune in tomorrow/next week, same Bat-time, same Bat-channel.

About Batman (TV series)[edit]

It had to be played as though we were dropping a bomb on Hiroshima, with that kind of deadly seriousness. ~ William Dozier
  • My favorite show when I was a kid was the Adam West Batman. When I watched it as a kid, it was totally real and intense and bad things were happening, but my parents were laughing at it, and I couldn't understand what they thought was so funny. When I saw it again when I was older, I realized that it was a comedy. I realized I needed to try to make a show that works both ways. That's a really good challenge to try to pull off. I guess we seem to be doing it. Kids might not get a lot of the jokes, but they're enjoying the action, and adults are picking up on the little innuendoes.
  • It had to be played as though we were dropping a bomb on Hiroshima, with that kind of deadly seriousness.
    • Producer William Dozier, as quoted in Batman and Psychology: A Dark and Stormy Knight, by Travis Langley, (May 22, 2012), p.11
  • We were making overstated morality plays for children that adults could watch and enjoy. We played it terribly serious, and that's half the fun of it.


External links[edit]

  Creators     Bob Kane · Bill Finger  
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