The Nostalgia Critic/Season 3

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Quotes from the 3rd season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2010.


Nostalgia Critic: Good old Arnold, you're no stranger to my reviews, are you? How can anyone not like this guy? He's a commercial puppet, yet a personal icon. He beats the crap out of people, but has a heart of gold. He's a horrible actor, but by God he's trying. We all love you, Arnold, no matter how good or how bad your movies are. So I tried to figure out which movie did its best to both glorify and exploit everything Arnold has to offer... [Long pause] ..."Commando"! [The movie's title appears, and a crowd of people can be heard booing his choice] Alright, alright, hold on, hold on, now let me make one thing perfectly clear: I love this movie. To me, this is like the quintessential Arnold Schwarzenegger movie ever made. [Beat] But it's stupid as hell! Everything that is wonderful about Arnold and terrible about Arnold is in this movie. Every over-the-top 80's action cliché makes its way into this flick, it's unbelievable! We got one-liners, we got explosions, we got the bad guys in suits, we got kidnapped children, and of course, WE GOT AHNOLD! It's so over-the-top that it's almost like a satire of Schwarzenegger films, it's just fantastic! So put on your black striped make-up that doesn't seem to camouflage anything - this is "Commando".

[As Matrix's raft reaches a beach, he gears up for the final confrontation and the Critic sings a song along with the music]
He's got a Speedo and a ton of packs!
He told those fuckers that he would be back!
Gotta get around and load it up!
Think it's time to go and blow shit up!
He's puttin' things into things!
And a bunch of other stuff!
Arnold! Arnold! ARNOLD!


Nostalgia Critic: I've decided that I want to show you how a Schwarzenegger movie is made!
[Rolls his chair back and plays out a hypothetical discussion involving someone pitching a movie idea to a studio executive]
Writer: Hey studio executives! I have an idea for a movie!
Executive: A movie or a poster?
Writer: Well a poster, of course!
Executive: Go on...
Writer: I see Arnold Schwarzenegger with... children!
Executive: We've seen that.
Writer: A baby!
Executive: That's old.
Writer: He's pregnant!
Executive: Go on...
Writer: And on the poster he's got like this huge belly and everything, then he's just like "Whaa!? I'm pregnant! THAT doesn't happen!"
Executive: That is true, that, that doesn't happen...
Writer: And on the poster we'll have that short guy from "Twins" and everyone will be like "Hey look! It's that guy from 'Twins'! And Arnold was in 'Twins'! This must be 'Twins'!"
Executive: But it's not "Twins".
Writer: It's not "Twins"!
Executive: Unless Arnold gives birth to twins...
Writer: I didn't even think of that!
Executive: You got some British chick in it?
Writer: Well, yeah, we've gotta class it up somehow - a British woman usually works.
Executive: Just put in Helena Bonham Carter like we always do.
Writer: She's not around yet.
Executive: Well who is?
Writer: Emma Thompson?
Executive: Green light it.
Nostalgia Critic: [now finally turning back to the camera] "Junior"!

[Alex Hesse holds the baby in his hands and we cut to - well, an unpleasant image of the baby. Are you ready for this? OKAY... IT HAS THE CGI FACE OF ARNOLD! Disturbing, I know.]
CGI Arnold Baby: Mama!
Nostalgia Critic: [Screams in fright at the sight of the baby] AAH!
CGI Arnold Baby: Mama?
Nostalgia Critic: AAH! AAH! AAH!
CGI Arnold Baby: MAMA!
Nostalgia Critic: AAH! [gets up and runs to the bathroom then shuts the door] AAH!
[The Nostalgia Critic is in the bathroom trying to vomit, and we soon hear splashing in the toilet a few times; after a few dry heaves, NC leaves the bathroom and heads back to his seat, coughing a bit]
Nostalgia Critic: So- [Whispers to himself] Oh, God. [He holds his face with both hands and sobs a bit before putting himself together and calmly speaks softly to the camera] Continue.
CGI Arnold Baby: MAMA!
[The Nostalgia Critic looks scared. The very next scene shows that he has been hospitalized, and his doctor (played by Doug's brother Rob) leaves his room, closing the door as he does so. He turns to a male nurse.]
Doctor: In all my years, I’ve never seen anything like it: twenty straight hours of marathon projectile vomiting.
Nurse: Geez! So what do you recommend, doc?
Doctor: Well, certainly no more watching of Junior, that much is certain.
Nurse: Well, he does need to finish the review.
Doctor: Well then, certainly no more watching of that scene. By the way, did you turn the TV off?
Nurse: No, I thought you did.
[From outside the closed door of the room, we hear the CGI Arnold Baby scene again, followed by the Critic vomiting violently; the doctor and nurse look quite grossed out with grimaced expression on their faces]
Doctor: [to nurse] Your turn to clean it up.

Nostalgia Critic: [when there doesn't seem to be any jokes even for a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger as a pregnant man] Okay, this is like a game show. In fact, its practically an adventure. The adventure of finding the joke.
[cut to Dora the Explorer, dubbed with the Critics voice]
Dora: Hola, I'm Dora, and we're trying to find a joke in Junior. Let's see if you can spot one. Are you ready? Go!
[cut to Larry (DeVito's character) talking to his ex-wife about her pregnancy]
Larry: I'm a little shocked here.
Angela: Well, I think your going to have to deal with it.
Larry: I don't have to deal with it because we're divorced, remember?
Angela: Its not like I'm asking you to fix my car.
[cut back to Dora]
Dora: [short pause] Nothing yet.
[cut back to the scene]
Larry: Angela, this is my house now.
Angela: Larry, you may live here, but this will always be my house. Floral, hounds-tooth then Paisley.
Dora: [short pause] That's not the least bit funny.
Larry: Where's the goddamn father?
Angela: I haven't been able to reach him.
Larry: What? He disappeared?
Angela: Their touring.
Larry: Who is?
Angela: Aerosmith.
[a text saying JOKE! comes up on the bottom side of the screen]
Dora: Yayyy! You found a funny joke! You did it! You did it! Join us next time, which knowing this film's poor pacing will be very shortly. Bye.

Nostalgia Critic: So just when you thought an eight-foot Austrian pregnant man in a dress couldn't possibly not be funny, what do they do? [Pop song plays] They play a pop song. Yes, folks, this is supposed to be taken seriously. I'm... I'm just disturbed now. I am disturbed for everyone involved in this movie. I mean, I have no idea what they're trying to get across. Why is this being taken so seriously? And, if you're gonna treat it seriously, why Arnold? In a dress? Talking like a wo-THIS IS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY! You know what, fuck it! Just fuck it! I'm gonna go back to sleep! [The Critic goes back to sleep before we cut to CGI Arnold baby]
CGI Arnold Baby: MAMA!
Nostalgia Critic: [Stammers in fear] No I'm not!

Conan Part 1 (Conan the Barbarian)[edit]

[While the Critic parodies Mako's narration of the two "Conan" films, the camera pans down to reveal a poster for the film with Arnold Schwarzenegger's head replaced by Conan O'Brien's]
Nostalgia Critic: Before the time when Conan was known as a great warrior who battled the executive douchebags by leaving the Tonight Show so its glorious legacy could be preserved - P.S. you got balls - there was another Conan played by then-relative newcomer Arnold Schwarzenegger! I am the Nostalgia Critic, doing a parody of the great and powerful Mako... [cue the "I cherish Mako" running joke] ...who stars alongside Arnold in these films. It is a time of high adventure, swords and sorcery, and great epic silliness! This is the Conan movies! [the title screens for the two films are then shown] Large in scale, small on intelligence, the Conan movies were based off of the great stories written by Robert E. Howard. [beat] But from what I understand they have almost nothing to do with these movies, so we will instead look at the films themselves! They are films before one-liners, before great explosions, and before dental work could fix that great big gap in between your teeth! [camera switches to Arnold revealing his teeth with said gap] Prepare yourselves for phenomenal goofiness!

Conan Part 2 (Conan the Destroyer)[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: But the fearsome five break into the castle where they come across the captain, who plans to stop them from thwarting Jehnna's sacrifice.
[At the ceremony, the Grand Vizier picks up a dagger and tilts Jehnna's head back to expose her neck]
"Jehnna": [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] So what's my birthday gift?
[Conan is briefly shown fighting the captain]
"Jehnna": Is it a pony?
[Another brief cut to the fight scene]
"Jehnna": Is it a dagger and a pony?
[Conan ducks and hurls the captain's body over his own]
"Jehnna": [while the dagger is still being raised] Is it you stabbing me in the throat so you can resurrect a god in order to control him and hopefully rule the world? [beat] And a pony?
Conan: [to the others] Save the girl!
"The others": [voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Oh yeah! I guess we have been standing here the whole time! I was confused 'cause I thought there was an easily breakable piece of glass in front of us - see, that's the only thing that can hold us back.

End of Days[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: So he chases him into a train tunnel where he starts shouting some crazy nonsense.
Thomas Aquinas: The dark angel is loosed from his prison!
Jericho Cane: [pointing his gun at Thomas] Get down on the ground!
Thomas Aquinas: The thousand years has ended! You don't know what you've done! [Jericho shoots him twice in the leg and he falls to the tracks] Ahh!
[While on the ground, Jericho finds the man was wearing a clerical collar underneath his jacket]
Nostalgia Critic: Whoa, the bum was a priest? Talk about the faith going to your head! I mean, how many bum priests are there?
Chester A. Bum: OH MY GOD! [Performs the Sign of the Cross while reciting a quick prayer in Latin] The Lord works in mysterious ways and shall always grant you CHANGE! [Holds out his signature styrofoam cup] Ya got change!? Aw come on!

Nostalgia Critic: So the film cuts to twenty years later, where Satan decides to come back to Earth. And how does he do this? By blowing up sewers, flying around as an invisible gargoyle, and possessing Gabriel Byrne from The Usual Suspects!
[Satan, having possessed the banker, now leaves the toilet and walks into a restaurant, walking boldly up to a banker and his wife and seizing the woman and violently kissing her]
Banker: What the Hell..?
[Satan glares at him]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, G-Gabriel Byrne, I'm sorry, I didn't realize it was you - By all means continue groping my wife. Hey everyone, Gabriel Byrne is groping my wife! This is the happiest day of my -
[Satan walks out of the restaurant and it explodes]

Battlefield Earth[edit]

[shows the intro of a previous episode]
Past Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to.
[cuts to the present day Nostalgia Critic entering the scene, chuckling]
Nostalgia Critic: Look at that joker. Y'know it's hard to believe that such a handsome man could become even hansonomer- hamsemener-hanso- prettier. Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I remembered it for 100 episodes. [Ode to Joy plays to the title card] Wow, 100 episodes. It's hard to believe that I've done that many. And that's not including contests, fights with the nerd, and so forth. So...actually that means I've done more than a hundred episodes. [chuckles] I'm unbelievable, I am your Jesus. So what do I have planned for this unbelievably big event? I'll tell you what...a crummy ass clip show. [theme from Rocky plays to another title card] This is where I sit back and do nothing while you watch a bunch of clips of me being wonderful. You acknowledge how fantastic I am, and I go in the back, and smoke a joint. It's a cheap cop-out I know, but then again, I'll be high! So You watch this clip from, Er...Captain Planet review, and I'll see you in roughly, twenty minutes. Bye!
[cuts to a clip from the Captain Planet Review]
Ma-Ti: Well, I'll tell you how I feel about the whole situation. I'm fucking pissed off! I mean...[stops] ...Hey wait a minute. What's he doing? He's not doing anything! He's just looking at this stupid clip show!
Present-day Nostalgia Critic: [cuts to the Present Day Nostalgia Critic, rolling up a joint; looks up] Eh?
Ma-Ti: What the hell? We watch one hundred episodes of your shit and you just throw this clip show at us? I mean, that sucks ass!
Past Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! The Nostalgia Critic of the past wouldn't do something like that!
Present-day Nostalgia Critic: But it's my hundredth episode!
Past Nostalgia Critic: [mockingly] "But it's my hundredth episode!" God, what a cop-out!
Ma-Ti: What happened to you, man? You used to have strong, plentiful balls.
Present-day Nostalgia Critic: No, no! I do! My balls are still strong and extremely plentiful!
Past Nostalgia Critic: Prove it! Do something special for your hundredth episode; Something that everyone has requested but you never had the plentiful balls to do.
Present-day Nostalgia Critic: Well, what else is there? I mean, I've done "Batman and Robin", I've done Garbage Pail Kids - Those are some of the worst movies out there!
Ma-Ti: No, Critic. [dramatic music starts playing] There is one movie you have overlooked. A sci-fi film that is so terrible it makes my nipples tingle with fear!
Present-day Nostalgia Critic: [gasps, horrified] YOU DON'T MEAN-?
Ma-Ti: No, not that one.
Present-day Nostalgia Critic Oh. [thinks for a moment, then gasps]
Ma-Ti: No, not that one either.
Present-day Nostalgia Critic: Oh. [thinks again] YOU MEAN-?!
Ma-Ti: YES! BATTLEFIELD EARTH! [The movie's title screen appears]
Present-day Nostalgia Critic: WAH!

Nostalgia Critic: What is a sure way out though is the stupidity of these goddamn morons. I mean, look at this, he continues to educate the humans, shows them how to fly their spaceships, and they've already proven that they can use their weapons! They don't see this as a recipe for disaster? But it's okay, as long as they keep a good close eye on them, I'm sure everything will be okay. So how does this advanced alien race watch these humans while they mine? A small camera flies over sometimes, and takes a still picture.
Terl: [whispering to Johnny] I'll be watching you.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh my GOD! How fucking stupid are these guys?! You know what? Let's get Terl back in here, I wanna ask him something. [turns on Terl's screen]
Terl: [playing a Nintendo DS] Ha ha ha! Space Invaders! Puny humans! [notices he's on camera] Uh- yes?
Nostalgia Critic: Terl, why would you educate these guys that clearly want to kill you, and then only watch them by taking a picture every couple of hours?
Terl: Ha! A puny man-animal such as yourself couldn't possibly understand! We're far technologically superior. We've conquered DOZENS of species in the HUNDREDS of galaxies! ...Or is it the other way around?
Nostalgia Critic: You couldn't conquer Rhode Island! You're completely useless!
Terl: Well okay, just because we've given them everything they could need to take us over, doesn't necessarily mean they will take us over. We figure humans operate by the HONOR system.
Nostalgia Critic: But you don't even work on the honor system.
Terl: I KNOW! And that's why we ALWAYS WIN! [laughs hysterically]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh go away, it's like talking to a horse's vagina.
Terl: FOOL! While you were still learning to SPELL YOUR NA- [is cut off]

[after a plan is in the works]
Nostalgia Critic: So they call on that fox-tribe you saw earlier to make it look like they're mining for gold as they set out to Washington. [shows an aircraft landing in front of Fort Knox in Kentucky] No...they're not. [shows them entering the fort] They're honestly not! [safe opens to reveal a large amount of gold bricks] ...SON OF A BITCH! TERL?!
Terl: [screen flickers and reveals Terl] Oh, it's you again...
Terl:'re probably figuring out by now that we Psychlos are not very smart. In fact the only reason we are able to take over any galaxies at all is that we fart nuclear bombs out of our anuses!
Nostalgia Critic: [beat] of this has to do with strategic planning or superior intellect?
Terl: Nope! It's just farting bombs! [laughs]
Nostalgia Critic: [disgusted and annoyed] You must be a very proud race...
Terl: We are! Now if you'll excuse me, I have a play to rehearse for tomorrow evening! [reciting Hamlet] To be...or not toBE- [screen changes]

Nostalgia Critic: But after that scene, the humans finally attack! Their plan? To get to the teleporter so they can beam a bomb to the Psychlos planet and blow it up. The explosion will be small but since the atmosphere is entirely radioactive, it'll wipe..out...the entire...planet... [Starts by holding his head in his hands and groaning] So, this military force of a planet... that has an atmosphere made out of radiation... has never had an explosion? [Beat] This race is more gun-happy than Charlton Heston's shooting gallery, and yet there's NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOSION ON THIS PLANET?! THEY COULD LOOK AT A KITTEN AND SOMEHOW THEY'D MAKE IT BLOW UP! THESE GUYS ARE CRAZY! THERE'S NEVER BEEN AN EXPLOS— OU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT!?! THIS IS STUPID!!! THIS IS STUPID!!! STUPID, STUPID- [The camera speeds up] STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID! STUPIIIIID! STUPIIIIID! IT'S SO INCREDIBLY STUPID! THIS IS THE WORST PIECE OF SHIT I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! GOD, HORSE, ASS, WHOLE PACK OF SHIT! STUPID SHIT! THIS IS STUPID SHIT! ASS, FUCKFACE, DICKHEAD, ASSHOLE, YOU IN THE ASS FUCKED HARD! STUPID! IT'S SO UNBELIEVABLY STUPID! SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, SHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT! ASS!! ASS!! WHORE, ASS, SHIT, FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKAFUCK! [With the camera still sped up, the critic sobs, then returns to normal speed] OK. The thought occurs to me that perhaps, I'm just not in the right mindset for this movie. [Picks up a hammer] So, to fix this problem, I'm going to make the proper alterations. [Cut to a picture of the Critic in a straitjacket on a pink background, surrounded by Tweety Bird which reads "Please excuse this slight mental breakdown..." over sounds of the Critic yelling in pain over repeated hammer strikes, then back to the Critic with his glasses askew and a blank expression on his face, lisping] Duhhuhhuh... I like spaceships...

["Directed by Roger Christian" signifies the beginning of the credits]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, fuck you Roger Christian, whoever the fuck you are! This is an absolute ass of shit! This is bad! I mean, really, really... bad! The acting's over the top, the camerawork's a joke, the story is beyond idiotic, it's just bad! Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad! And like I said, how are we supposed to believe even for a millisecond that these dumbasses of a race are supposed to take us over? [The screen flickers and Terl appears on-screen]
Terl: Just you wait, Critic, for soon we will conquer your primitive species, just like we have for centuries— [There is the sound of an explosion and the screen shakes] Uh-oh!
Nostalgia Critic: What's wrong?
Terl: Oh, it looks like someone lit a cigarette on our home planet, and now the whole damn thing's going to explode.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, it's...
Terl: Yeah.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, is there anything I can do?
Terl: No, no, it's cool. Just let me work on my dying words. [Dramatically] Ohhh— [There is an explosion. Terl's image disappears, and is replaced by some color bars]
Nostalgia Critic: You know, I'm not gonna miss him.

Bébé's Kids (movie)[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, the kids are held hostage by the Terminator while a robotic Abraham Lincoln tries to save them but this mechanical bear pops up and okay! I went too far obviously — let's go back and see what we missed. OK, they snuck in a building... there's the Terminator... there's Lincoln... there's the mechanical bear... ooh! And a robotic Nixon! OK, this all suddenly makes sense! So... the animatronics are holding a trial to see if the kids are worth electrocuting to death as Abe Lincoln and Richard Nixon defend their sides... [The Critic stares into the camera, clearly confused, then pulls out a white box labeled "ACID" and tries to pour out its contents, only to find it's empty, to which he shrugs and shakes his head] Nope, the movie's just weird.
Nostalgia Critic: So Robin — being as wonderful as he is with kids and all — tries to ditch the brats behind and leave without them. But the kids make it back before he can leave, meaning they're leaving this good ol' Disneyworld knock-off behind them. [As Robin, Jamika and the kids drive home, Fun World starts collapsing behind them]

Lost in Space[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: So the ship launches as LeBlanc puts himself in deep sleep as well.
Major Don West: [in the tube] I never liked these freezing tubes. [eyes are covered] Bad dreams. [tube freezes]
Nostalgia Critic: [as Matt LeBlanc dreaming] Uhh, Charlie's Angels. Uhhh, Charlie's Angels II. Uhhhh! A crappy spin-off show that only last two seasons! DAH!

Nostalgia Critic: Thus, we're introduced to the Robinsons' daughter Penny, who, I swear to God is on a helium diet.
Penny: For the last three years, I've missed everything. Training so I can spend the next ten years missing everything else!
Nostalgia Critic: Good Lord, it's the missing Chipette! Skanky.

Mrs. Robinson: What's happened, John? Where are we?
Nostalgia Critic: [as Mr. Robinson] OK, let's recap: we locked Dracula in the brig, Joey from Friends is piloting, we have a chipmunk for a daughter, our other daughter is Rollergirl and we haven't even encountered the space monkey yet. Boy, we're in a tight spot!

Will Robinson: [Speaking to the future version of the ship's robot] Do you remember what I taught you? About friendship?
Future Robot: Logic error. Friendship does not compute.
Will: Just forget logic! Act with your heart!
Nostalgia Critic: [Palms covering his face] Oh my God, he didn't just say that.
Future Robot: Robot has no heart. Robot is powered by a fusion pulse generator.
Will: Every living thing has a heart.
Tin Man: [From "The Wizard of Oz"] Now I know I've got a heart, 'cause it's breaking.
Will: If you don't let us go, we're all going to die. So I'm asking you now: will you be my friend?
Nostalgia Critic: [as the robot] This scene is too clichéd! This scene is too clichéd!
Future Robot: Robot attempting to deactivate control bolt.
Will: Come on, Robot!
Future Robot: Commands overridden!
Will: You can do it!
Nostalgia Critic: This robot has the logic of a Hallmark card!
Future Robot: Destroy! Destroy! Destroy Robinson family! [It succeeds in removing the bolt] Robot will save the Robinsons. Robot will save his friend.
Nostalgia Critic: [as the robot] Robot will participate in Care Bear-inspired shit.

Nostalgia Critic: In fact, if I had a time machine to go back in time and not watch this movie, you bet your ass I would take -
[A time portal opens to the Critic's left, revealing the Spider Dr. Smith from the movie]
Spider Smith: Did somebody say time machine?!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh hey, forget it, Dr. Smith! Shit Family Robinson might fall for your tricks, but not me!
Spider Smith: I don't know what you're talking about! I'm a sweet, caring person who only wants to do good for mankind! [cackles maniacally]
Nostalgia Critic: How could anyone be stupid enough to trust you? I mean, you're a friggin' spider! [beat] A spider!
Spider Smith: Well that seems hardly fair...
Nostalgia Critic: Even before that, your acting was so over-the-top all that was missing was a top hat and a mustache to twirl!
Spider Smith: It's true that what you see is pretty much what you get, but I can be a very persuasive person!
Nostalgia Critic: How?
Spider Smith: For example, [now quoting a line from the movie] there are many dangerous monsters in this world and I'm one of them!
Nostalgia Critic: You are?
Spider Smith: Yes. Now give me your gun.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh certainly! Here you go. [hands him his pistol just like Will Robinson did in the movie]
Spider Smith: Thank you! [loads a round, then shoots the Critic, dropping him to his desk] I'm Dr. Smith! I remember it because I'm evil! [maniacal laughter] You're doomed! DOOMED! [more laughter] Oh, my!

Top 11 Villain Songs[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: "Anastasia" is often referred to as a cheap Disney knock-off, but we know that isn't true - no, it was an expensive Disney knock-off, and a lot of that is shown in this song. It's upbeat, but it's also very threatening, and on top of that the theme is so catchy it's almost impossible to get out of your head.
Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, terror will strike her
Rasputin: Terror's the LEAST I can do!
Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, evil will brew [Ooh!]
Nostalgia Critic: Now here's the funny thing about this song - at least, from my point of view - when I first heard it, I heard it on the soundtrack without any visuals, and naturally I thought it was awesome. When you hear it alone, though, what visions come to your head?
Bug Chorus: In the dark of the night, evil will find her
Nostalgia Critic: See, I think of something out of a Meat Loaf cover, like monsters singing, skeletons on guitar, something really really cool like that. But then when I finally saw the movie, what did I get?
Rasputin: Soon she will feel that her nightmares are real
Nostalgia Critic: Prancing pink bugs. [long pause, then the Critic releases his anger in one word] FAIL!

Nostalgia Critic: He keeps this weird British monotone throughout the entire song. Dude, you're on a mountain of evil! How about a little "oomph" in your voice!? [imitating Scar during "Be Prepared" in a weird British monotone] Be king undisputed, respected, saluted... how am I gonna get down from here?

Nostalgia Critic: Granted it's in a children's movie and a Disney one at best. But this villain song really took chances at exploring the tortured Psyche of one of Disney's greatest bad guys. It's centred around Judge Frollo who has fallen into a lustfull obsession with the gypsie fugitive Esmerelda. And even though he's not a priest in this version, he still considers himself very religious. And his impure thoughts about the woman send him into an ethical battle from hell.
Judge Frollo: This burning desire is turning me to sin. [a group of red cloaked figures appear in the room]
Nostalgia Critic: I think these guys are the best. I don't even know what they symbolize, they just scare the shit out of the little people you see.
Judge Frollo: It is the gypsie girl, the witch who sent this flame.
Red cloaked choir: Mea maxima Culpa. (Through my most grievous fault)
Judge Frollo: It's not my fault, if in God's plan he made the devil so much stronger than a man!
Nostalgia Critic: It's an interesting song too because he's not singing about how evil he is, rather how he's slipping into deep insanity brought up by his sexual desire, and that the only cure is to destroy the obsession itself, or rather herself.
Judge Frollo: Destroy Esmerelda and let her taste the fires of Hell, or else let her be mine and mine alone!
Nostalgia Critic: As far as kids' films go, it has all the no-noes. Half naked women, sexual cravings, religious taboos, and all under the name of the mouse. [A picture of Mickey appears in front of the fire]
Mickey Mouse: [Voice provided by the Nostalgia Critic] Ha ha, I'll see you in everlasting Damnation, ha ha!
Nostalgia Critic: This is one of the most dramatic and well thought out of all the villain songs, and it's visuals match the music and lyrics perfectly.
Judge Frollo: God, have mercy on her.
Choir: Kyrie Eleison. (Lord, have mercy)
Judge Frollo: God, have mercy on me.
Nostalgia Critic: It's probably the most risqué Disney has ever gotten. Those who love villains couldn't be happier for it. Intense, diabolical, vengeful, sexual, conflicting, Hellfire seems to have it all which is why I can easily deem it the number 1 villain song.
Judge Frollo: SHE....... WILL....... BURRRRRRRRRNN!

Quest for Camelot[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it, so you don't have to. Say, have you ever wanted to see [Pictures of the cast members in Quest for Camelot can be seen as Nostalgia Critic speaks] Cary Elwes (Garrett), Gary Oldman (Ruber), Urkel (Jaleel White, Bladebeak), Gabriel Byrne (Kayley's Father Lionel), Pierce Brosnan (King Arthur), Balky from Perfect Strangers (The Griffin, Bronson Pinchot), Jane Seymour (Julianna), that chick from Heroes (Kayley, Jessalyn Gilsig), Don Rickles (Cornwall), and Eric Idle (Devon) in a movie together? No! Nobody wants to see that!

[Comparing Ruber with Doctor Smith from Lost in Space, both played by Gary Oldman] But they did it, in the fucking piece of shit called Quest for Camelot!
Nostalgia Critic: Come on, Gary Oldman, you're a great actor. Why were you choosing these obvious villain roles at the time? I mean, there's just nothing subtle about— [A time portal opens to the Critic's left, revealing the Spider Dr. Smith from "Lost in Space"]
Spider Smith: Did somebody question my subtle acting?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on, Doctor Smith, you're about as subtle as a fucking train wreck... on a boat.
Spider Smith: Oh, come now. There are several differences between me and that Ruber fellow. For example, I want to seize power and control through a legion of spiders!
Nostalgia Critic: But, that Ruber guy wants to seize power and control too.
Spider Smith: But not with spiders!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, for God's sake, you know what you need to do, Doctor Smith?
Spider Smith: Does it involve spiders?
Nostalgia Critic: No! You need to be diabolical! Actually fool people into thinking you're a kind, gentle, caring person. You think you can do that?
Spider Smith: [Long pause as he looks himself over] ...think the boat's sort of sailed on that one.
Nostalgia Critic: Alright, well, don't bother me anymore. I got a review to do.
Spider Smith: Wait! There's one more important thing! It's imperative that you must know!
Nostalgia Critic: What? What?
Spider Smith: Spiders! [The Critic pulls out his gun and shoots at Spider Smith, frightening him] You're doomed! Doomed! [The Critic shoots again, scaring off Smith for good]

Kayley: I just need your help this once.
Garrett: All right, all right!
Nostalgia Critic: What? But you just sung a freaking song about why she can't come with you and then, all of a sudden, she can?

Nostalgia Critic: But the comedic axe chicken (God, I can't believe I just put those words together), tells Ruber about Kayley's escape.
Ruber: You! Report!
Bladebeak: [dubbed] Well, the plot makes no sense, we have no originality, and the songs are gonna be more successful than the actual movie.

Nostalgia Critic: NO! NO! That does not happen, movie! That just DOES! NOT! HAPPEN! Unless you, oh, I don't know, EXPLAIN!

[An ogre sits on Ruber and his gryphon]
Ruber: The ogre's butt.
Nostalgia Critic: [beat] Did he just say "the ogre's butt"? [The line and scene are repeated] OK, that's not a sentence, that's a noun. That's not even a good noun! In fact, this is where Gary Oldman should've known this movie was going to suck: when he had to just say the line "The ogre's butt!"
[Cut to a "recording" of Gary Oldman conversing with the movie's script writers in a recording studio somewhere]
Gary Oldman: Gentlemen, I-I-I want to talk to you about this line...
Writer: Which is that?
Oldman: "The ogre's butt!"
Writer: What about it?
Oldman: Is... is that it? Simply "The ogre's butt"?
Writer: Yeah, it's an ogre's butt. What's wrong with an ogre's butt?
Oldman: Oh nothing, I have nothing against the ogre's butt, I'm sure the ogre's butt is lovely. However, there doesn't seem to be any reason for the ogre's butt! How about perhaps a, uh, verb or predicate clause like "Look out for the ogre's butt!" or "Oh no! We are under the ogre's butt!" or, if you'll permit me, "Woe is me and all others who are trapped under ogre's butt...s-s-s-s!"
Writer: "Ogre's butt" isn't plural.
Oldman: Duly noted, but at least that one came with a conjunction. Grammatically speaking, I think that makes the ogre's butt much more palatable.
Writer: Look, just stick to the script.
Oldman: But I ask you: how does it make any sense? I'm a Shakespearean-trained actor—
Writer: Hey, weren't you that spider in "Lost in Space"?
Oldman: [Long pause] ..."Ogre's butt" it is.
Writer: Get to work, puppet. [Oldman sighs]

Nostalgia Critic: So our heroes get out and finally make it home.
Kayley: [seeing Camelot from a far view] Camelot.
[Cut to a clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail]
Patsy: It's only a model.
King Arthur: Shh.

[the movie ends with Kayley and Garrett getting married. Cut to a clip from Monty Python and the Holy Grail]
King Arthur: On second thought, let's not go to Camelot. It is a silly place.
Knights of the Round Table: Right.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I think Arthur summed it up there. Quest for Camelot. A medieval time's restaurant has more dignity than this piece of shit. The characters are rip-offs, the story has no connection to the Arthur legend, and, oh, yeah. There's a bajillion things that are never explained! In fact, I want an answer! I want an answer right now! And not only do I want an answer, I want an answer that is the most innocent, perfect being that I can think of: Mary Poppins. That's right, Mary Poppins is gonna be my representation of this movie! So tell me, Mary Poppins, how do you explain this bullshit that we just witnessed?
Mary Poppins: First of all, I would like to make one thing quite clear.
Nostalgia Critic: [nods eagerly]
Mary Poppins: I never explain anything.
Nostalgia Critic: [beat] FUCK YOU, BITCH! [shoots her] Oh my God! Oh my God, I just killed Mary Poppins! I just killed my first childhood icon! Good Lord, that's what this movie has done to me! Oh, Mary Poppins, I'm so sorry!
Bert: Mary Poppins!
Nostalgia Critic: AAH! [shoots him] BERT! Oh no, I killed Bert too! Okay, I gotta get out of here before I start killing any more innocent Disney characters! I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to!
Mickey Mouse: [offscreen] Ho-ho! Hi, Mr Nostalgia Critic! [gunshot] OH!
Nostalgia Critic: MICKEY! OH NO! I'm sorry! Quest for Camelot made me do it!
Mickey Mouse: I... I understand...
Nostalgia Critic: [offscreen, crying] No!

Old vs. New - The Nutty Professor[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: [speaking about the Jerry Lewis version] Also, I never quite got the ending to this movie. He makes a big, really well put together speech about being yourself just as he's being exposed to everybody. Yet later, it looks like the girlfriend sneaks a couple of bottles of the formula for herself. Is she gonna sell 'em? Is she gonna use them on Lewis again? Either way, doesn't that sort of go against the moral and the characters of the story for that matter? They just never ever make this clear. Explain, movie! EXPLAIN! [a tiny explosion is ignited on the Critic's head in a callback to his review of Quest for Camelot] Oh good, that was just a little one.

Nostalgia Critic: [After showing the scene in the remake in which Buddy Love takes revenge on the bully played by Dave Chapelle] Now, be honest. Don't some of you wish you could do this to Dave Chapelle. [Cut to the Critic pretending to bang Dave Chapelle's head on the table after each sentence] How dare you leave the Chapelle Show? That show was in it's prime! How dare you only give us a few seasons you damn comedic genus?! [Continues to bang his "head" on the table while pretending to cry]

Nostalgia Critic: Now, of course, the story of “The Nutty Professor” is a retelling of the classic “Jekyll and Hyde,” except here, it’s played up for laughs. A goofy scientist creates a potion that transforms him into the exact opposite of what he is. So, instead of being awkward, nerdy and not good-looking, he’s the suave, cool and attractive swinger named Buddy Love. But he also turns into a jerk, hurting others to make himself feel better and caring about nothing but himself. The new version is pretty much the same outline, except for a few big differences, and I do mean big. Instead of making Eddie Murphy into a nerdy scientist, they added a couple hundred pounds to him as well, adding even more to how socially unpopular he can be. This works a little better when it comes to why the professor wants to transform. In the original, he’s sort of beat up by one of the students, which I guess I gotta admit the idea alone is pretty funny. But here, it’s played up more for laughs. In the new one, he’s heckled by a comedian played by Dave Chappelle, and even though the jokes made are funny as well, you really feel the heartbreak he’s going through, as he’s publicly laughed at and humiliated in front of his date.

Nostalgia Critic:Let's talk about the alter ego, Buddy Love. These two couldn't be more different! Jerry Lewis plays him as a smooth swinger who acts like nothing impresses him. Eddie Murphy plays him as an eccentric billionaire who does whatever he wants, and enjoys every second of it.


Nostalgia Critic: Hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it— [suddenly goes into a fit of rage] I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' hate "Bio-Dome"! I fuckin' HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! [Screams like a crazy man until he gets splashed with a bucket of water, calming him down] Thank you. Anyway, I fucking hate "Bio-Dome". [The movie's title screen is shown] I mean, I don't think I've seen a more annoying and obnoxious piece of cancerous ass. It's so grating and ear-rapingly bad that I'm surprised the movie itself hasn't been arrested for indecent exposure. It may not be the worst movie, but trust me, it's in the top five. This is the movie, [Shows the "Bio-Dome" DVD] these are my wrists after watching the movie, [Shows his two wrists covered in bandages after being (presumably) slit] and these are the notes I took during watching the movie. [Shows a piece of paper with the word "Why?" typed over and over to the camera, then slams it down] I've never been so happy to get something over with, so let's just go ahead and get this over with!

Nostalgia Critic: [On Bud and Doyle] They live in that wonderful time of the 90s where stupid guys didn't really have to have jobs, and yet somehow they live in relatively nice places. Oh, and they also somehow date really hot chicks as well. Come on, are we really supposed to believe the 90s were like that? [Cut to another room with "Smells Like Teen Spirit" playing in the background]
90s Kid: DUDE! The 90s are like that, man! People like us don't need jobs because we're delightfully quirky! Houses and babes just drop into our laps!
Nostalgia Critic: But 90s Kid, there's gotta be some reason why lazy morons keep getting good stuff back then.
90s Kid: Nope, that's just how we roll. [Shows a t-shirt with the letters "wysiwyg" on it] "What You See is What You—" [Hears a knock at his door]
Nostalgia Critic: What was that?
90s Kid: Oh, it's probably just my landlord with another eviction notice. [A smashing sound is heard off screen] ...a-and a battering ram... [A gun is cocked off screen] ...and a...sawed off shotgun. GOTTA GO! [Gunshot]

Nostalgia Critic: [On Bud and Doyle being tricked] So they get to the spot, only to find out that the ladies tricked them.
Doyle: [Looking at the dried-up lake] There used to be fish here, remember?
Bud: Yes, I did, Doyle. A long time ago, when we were kids right? [Flashback to a young Bud, whose mother is holding his head underwater]
Young Doyle: Leave Bud alone, Mom!
Mother: I'm teaching Bud how to hold his breath underwater. [pulls Bud up] Much better, Bud! Now, let's try for three minutes. [pushes him back underwater]
Nostalgia Critic: Yay! You tried to tell a joke! You get a vast, empty void of silence!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm beginning to think this movie is the predecessor to all those really bad YouTube videos you see. Ya know, the ones where two dickheads do dickhead-ish things while one dickhead laughs at the other dickhead while that dickhead gets hurt but sadly isn't crippled for life? That's this movie.

Nostalgia Critic: So what do they do now that they're finally released out of their environmental prison? Throw a party, of course, as they invite everyone they know back to the Bio-Dome so they can have a rockin' good time. The girlfriends hear about it at some sort of Earth Day event where they [The camera shows Tenacious D performing on-screen for the first time ever] TENACIOUS D?!
Jack Black: [Singing] Don't say we didn't save some freakin' TREES!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, real comedy! Real comedy at last! Oh! Save me, Tenacious D! Help me to laugh again!
Festival-Goer: Party at Bio-Dome? All right, let's go!
Nostalgia Critic: NO! NO! GO BACK TO TENACIOUS D, YOU ASS-MONGRELS! DON'T YOU KNOW REAL COMEDY WHEN YOU SEE IT?! [The scene switches to Bud and Doyle leading a procession of party-goers atop two portable thrones] D'OH! HOW DARE YOU CUT BACK TO THOSE COCK-EATERS! YOU PASSED OVER THE ONLY TALENTED PEOPLE IN THE MOVIE, YOU MORONS! It's like looking at a line-up of the world's greatest martial artists and being like, "Jackie Chan? I don't think so. Bruce Lee? Maybe next time. Steven Seagal, get in there!" [Long pause, then out of nowhere...] ASS!

Nostalgia Critic: [after watching Bio-Dome] Fuck this movie! [slow motion] FUCK THIS MOVIE FOREVER! [normal speed] I'm the Nostalgia Critic. [looks at the DVD for a short second, then chews on it, grabs a gun and shoots it, spits on it, then slams the gun down] I remember it so YOU don't have to! [walks off camera, shudders angrily]

NeverEnding Story 2, The[edit]

[While discussing the new actor playing Bastian in the film]
Nostalgia Critic: On top of that, it's just not that great a performance. I mean, it's better than the first film but I'm—
[The Critic is interrupted by a cough off-screen, and he turns to his left to see an animated elephant standing there, staring at him disapprovingly]
Nostalgia Critic: ...Yes?
The Elephant in the Room: Don't act like you don't see me.
Nostalgia Critic: What? What're you talkin' about?
The Elephant in the Room: You've been ignoring me since the beginning. Don't act like you don't know why I'm here.
Nostalgia Critic: No, I don't. I mean, what, is it the Jonathan Brandis kid? I mean, what about him?
The Elephant in the Room: [beat] You know he committed suicide.
[The Critic and the Elephant bicker back and forth for a bit. The next 2 lines are said at the same time]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you're gonna bring that up. You're seriously going to bring that up. You know that's a little grim for a comedic review. Yeah, ever think of that? Something really mature.
The Elephant in the Room: Everybody's thinking about it. They're wondering if you're going to address it and you're just tap dancing along it like some sort of idiotic moron.
Nostalgia Critic: You know, Alright, fine, I'll address this. In 2003, Jonathan Brandis committed suicide. Any death is tragic, and this one is no exception. And you know what? His acting wasn't half bad. I remember him on seaQuest and Ladybugs and stuff. Even though the film choices weren't always great, he usually did OK. He's a relatively decent actor. I just don't think he did especially well in this movie, and it's not his fault. I mean, it's a horribly written character - he's a dumbass, as you'll see in a few moments. So just to make it clear, I have nothing against Jonathan Brandis as a person. [turns back to the Elephant] There, is that good?
The Elephant in the Room: [beat] Gee, that was awkward.
Nostalgia Critic: You know, fuck you, you goddamn elephant! [The Burger King makes his customary appearance at the sound of that word] Oh, no no no! Not that, not - [muttering] Forget it...

Falkor: Did somebody say 'chase?'
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, it's our favorite flying tampon!

[While Falkor and Bastian are chasing the dragon]
Bastian: Fly forward, Falkor!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh hey, uh just an idea here... Why don't you wish the fucking thing away?! In fact, why don't you wish all the bad guys away? This makes no sense! If he makes a wish, he loses a memory. Yeah, I got that. But, why doesn't he wish the Memory Machine away? They never say there's any limitations, so this movie should be over in, like, 2 seconds! Can't you just be like... [imitates Bastian] I wish for a gun. [The Critic's gun magically appears in his hand and a ball come out of the machine] I wish for that machine to disappear. [The machine disappears with a "poof". Xayide has a sad face pasted on her face] Bye. [Shoots Xayide's face off, puts the gun down then dances to the first film's theme song]

Nostalgia Critic: So they try sneaking into the castle while the lasers seem to be playing missile command, but Bastian gets caught in one of the beams.
[Atreyu uses the Auryn to reflect the laser beam back into its source]
Bastian: You saved my life, Atreyu!
Atreyu: Yes, but you would have done the same for me.
[Bastian pauses]
Nostalgia Critic: Right? [pause] Right?
Bastian: Sure.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, this kid's a dick! Is that really what you want to say to your rescuer? If someone saved you from a burning fire, would you be like... [Imitating someone who's just been rescued] Oh, thank you so much. Just a heads up: if you were in the same situation, burning alive in a tall building, I would probably get pizza. Nothing personal, I just can't stand your guts.

Atreyu: We need weapons!
Bastian: I wish for...a spray can! [a spray can appears in his hand]
Nostalgia Critic: What th- a fucking spray can?! That's the best you can come up with?! What's with the imagination in this kid! I thought he was the last great dreamer or something and all he can come up is a fucking spray can? The fantasies he thought up in Sidekicks were more impressive than this! ...In fact..he should just wish for Chuck Norris!
Announcer: A-CHUCK-A-NORRIS!
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah! They can turn everybody into ninjas, have a rockin' battle, everything will be awesome, it would be the coolest adventure ever! But no, we get spray cans. Honest to God, spray cans. I have no remorse for this idiot if something bad happens to him.

Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken Moments[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: And those are my Top 11 Most Awkward Christopher Walken mo— [the Critic's cell phone rings again and he answers it] Hello?
"Christopher Walken": Critic, shame on you. How dare you accuse me of always reading my... hold on... [papers rustling on his end of the call] ...LINES!
Nostalgia Critic: Look Mr. Walken, I don't care. To me, you'll always be the master of cool, you can do no wrong.
"Christopher Walken": Glorious. Now before I go, there's one last thing I want you to remember.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, what is it?
"Christopher Walken": [whispering] Are you listening?
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah.
"Christopher Walken": Are you listening?
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah.
"Christopher Walken": Are you listening? Alright, listen... [hangs up]
Nostalgia Critic: [closes his phone and looks into the camera] ...God he's awesome.


Nostalgia Critic: But he's approached by that one guy whose name you can't remember but always recognize, because he's the asshole in every movie that he's in.
Wilson Croft: What happened between us, Phil?
Professor Brainard: Well I just got tired of you stealing my ideas, Wilson.
Wilson: I won't deny that I hate you for your brilliance. I'm petty, corrupt, and to that end, I have profited from your ideas.
Brainard: Why are you here?
Wilson: Well to be honest, I'm here this weekend to steal your fiancée and make her my wife.
Nostalgia Critic: WOW. That is the most blunt villain ever. I should really hate what an obvious cardboard cut-out he is, but to be honest, it's kind of refreshing. I just love the lack of creativity with him. It's like he just came out and said "I'm the antagonist. I tied your girlfriend to the railroad tracks, put a bomb on a bridge and ate puppies for dinner. No reason - I'm just evil." [beat, then sits back and laughs maniacally]

Narrator: [during a VERY boring scene that can be considered a Big Lipped Alligator Moment] BIG LIPPED... Oh, God, I'm bored.

Nostalgia Critic: Wow, so... the guy who wrote The Breakfast Club and Pretty in Pink actually had to write the words: "He farted Flubber out of his anus". This is a sad day, people.

[after Robin Williams fails to make it to his wedding for the fourth time, but his fiance marries him anyway]
Nostalgia Critic: WHAT?! You mean he still couldn't make it to the wedding?! This guy is ass scum!
Robin Williams: I'll meet you at the reception, I'm almost done.
[audience applauds]
Nostalgia Critic: No! Stop applauding! This isn't charming, this is disturbing! Very, very disturbing! After four times, he still couldn't make it to the altar? He is a ball of shit! Why are you marrying him? Nothing in the case said he would be a good husband! Where do you spend your honeymoon, divorce court? Imagine if you guys had kids, what would happen then? [imitating Robin Williams] Ho-ho, I'm sorry that I drowned little Timmy, but I'm really working on this very important experiment! [normal voice] Run away, woman! Run away! Go marry that jerky guy, he would at least show up! True, he's a diabolical villain, but, he would fucking show up! WHAT A HORRIBLE ENDING! What a horrible movie. WHAT A FLAT-OUT HORRIBLE EXPERIENCE!

Home Alone 3[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: Let me tell you a story about a brilliant writer and director named John Hughes. He recently passed away, but what he left behind will last forever. He directed such classics like "The Breakfast Club", "Planes, Trains and Automobiles", "Ferris Bueller's Day Off" and so forth. He also was a talented writer, writing screenplays for the "National Lampoon Vacation" movies, "Home Alone", "Pretty in Pink" and many more. Yes, John Hughes certainly seemed like the voice of a generation... then "Home Alone 2" came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then "Baby's Day Out" came around. He wrote it, and it sucked. Then "101 Dalmatians", "Flubber", "Just Visiting", "Dennis the Menace", that shitty-ass "Miracle on 34th Street" remake - ALL WRITTEN BY HIM! What happened? He was like the voice, and then he got lost to this slapstick-inspired shit... or "slapshit" as I like to call it. But none of them are as bad as the crowning achievement of horror that is simply known as "Home Alone 3". [The movie's title screen is shown] This is a film where even if you saw the previews you felt dirty. How could such a great writer stoop to such an insulting, demeaning and absolutely un-entertaining low? Well, [sigh] let's see if we can figure it out.

Nostalgia Critic: [as John Hughes] There! I did it! I finally did it! I wrote the worst Home Alone script ever! [laughs] I know I'm contractually obligated to write at least one more movie, but this script is so bad, no studio would ever buy it! [laughs] What are they gonna do? Hire the director of Beverly Hills Chihuahua to direct it? [laughs] No studio is that stupid! [laughs] John Hughes, you're a genius! [walks offscreen]
Studio executive: We'll take it!
Nostalgia Critic: My career is over!

Ask That Guy VIOLATES Ma-Ti[edit]

[The Critic appears onscreen in black-and-white with piano accompaniment as in a silent film, and he addresses the camera via a series of text screens in between segments of him silently mouthing said text]
Nostalgia Critic: Well, it happened again, for the third time in under two years I lost my voice. [The Critic is then clearly agitated, shouting a bunch of words angrily at the camera] Darn. [The Critic speaks again] So there's good news and there's bad news... [The Critic speaks] The bad news is all the NCs will have to be pushed back about a week. [The Critic speaks] The good news is this will give me more time to work on the two year anniversary... [The Critic speaks] Which is going to be shown the week of May 17th. [The Critic speaks] And it is going to be AWESOME! [The Critic speaks] Still, I feel bad not having anything for you guys this week... [The Critic speaks] Here's "Ask That Guy" raping Ma Ti.

[After shooting That Guy]
Ma-Ti: Oh my God! This has been a weird fucking day people. I came here to talk about carbon emissions. But instead I had to get raped by him! Thank God I had this gun. Fuck him! And fuck you too, internet! You clicked on this link, you wanted to see this! I'm like fourteen! The fuck is wrong with you people?! You need to get out of your house, you're so desensitized... to all this crap and pornography and all this bullshit that's on the internet! For God's sake, go out and play some basketball or something! Okay. I think I'm finished. I'm going to rape him now. That’s what you want, isn't it? That’s what you came here to see, huh?! Somebody doing someone and... FUCK! You crazy fucks! I'm going to rape him now. I hope you're happy!

Old vs. New - King Kong[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: Plus, there's just some all-around strange scenes in the new one. Like how about when the director tells the writer exactly where they're going? This is one of the oddest things ever. It's totally over the top for no reason.
Carl Denham: It has a local name, Jack, but I'm warning you it doesn't sound good. [whispers] They call it... [inaudible]
Jack Driscoll: [typing and saying the letters out loud in slow motion] S...K...U... [cut to the Critic, disoriented and confused by the scene] L...L... [Denham sees another member of the crew inadvertently overhearing the conversation, then the Critic is seen again] ...Island. [types out the word]
Nostalgia Critic: [gasps] Skull?! SKULL?! You mean, like that thing in my head?! [[[w:In The Hail Of The Mountain King|"In The Hail Of The Mountain King"]] plays over NC] My God! Skull...
Chekov: [from Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan (1982) ] Oh no!
Nostalgia Critic: Skull!
Mexican bystander: [from Blazing Saddles (1974) ] Santa María!
Nostalgia Critic: SKULL!
Luke Skywalker: [from Star Wars Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back (1980) ] NO!
Nostalgia Critic: No! This can't be a secret any longer! The people must know! [gets up out of his chair and runs out of his house] Skull! Skull! SKULL! [a scenes of a crowd of people frantically panicking in The Naked Gun 2½ (1991), Spitting Image Episode 9 (1985), Evil Dead (1981) is played, then the Critic is shown running down his street] SKULL! [back to the crowd]
Man in Crowd: [while holding a book that says "To Serve Man"] It's A Cookbook! It's A Cookbook!

Drop Dead Fred[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: What a depressing case this is. This movie doesn't know if it wants to be for adults, kids or the mentally handicapped. It is unpleasant, unfunny, and quite frankly, unwatchable. What other symptoms you may ask? Well, let's take a closer look. We start off with a girl having a fairy tale read by her mother.
Elizabeth: And do they live happily ever after?
Elizabeth's Mother: Of course, Elizabeth.
Elizabeth: How do you know?
Elizabeth's Mother: She was a good little girl. If she had been naughty, the prince would've run away.
Elizabeth: What a pile of shit.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, we're off to a good start as we cut to our credits that, surprisingly, are written in crayon. We see that this movie stars... Phoebe Cates... Phoeb... that chick from "Gremlins". And is accompanied by Rik... Mayall.. My-yall... Miyayall... that guy from "The Young Ones". And is directed by... [reads "Ate de Jong"] Oh fuck you, let's just cut to the movie.

Nostalgia Critic: No, it's not Freddy Krueger, but out of an old jack-in-the-box, something even more wicked this way comes — annoying British humor.
Drop Dead Fred: BLEH!
Lizzie: AAH!
Drop Dead Fred: PRANKSTER FACE! ...YEUCK! What happened to you?! Look at you! You're all older! You're even uglier! EHHCH!
Nostalgia Critic: Please tell me that's not the performance you're going with.
Drop Dead Fred: No, no, no! Yes, yes, yes! RHAHH! [shreds around monkey plush everywhere]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, wow! This person needs to die!
Drop Dead Fred: Come on! Whee-OHH! [slides down the handrail to having his nuts crunched] Who put that there?! Oh, I forgot to give you something... [picks his nose, fingers snot on Lizzie's cheek, runs off laughing]
Nostalgia Critic: You know there's a thin line between funny and god-awfully horrendous? Luckily, he comes nowhere near that line. He's just god-awfully horrendous.

[Elizabeth sees what looks like her husband pass by on a boat, and Fred appears]
Nostalgia Critic: So he comes aboard dressed as the bastard child of Cap'n Crunch and Lucky Charms as they try to chase after Charles' boat.
Drop Dead Fred: Aye-aye captain! [Somersaulting] Drown the fishes! [Breaks numerous things on board the house boat, then stands at its prow] Captain Fred's in charge!
Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] Yyyyeah, where are we on the Annoying Meter anyway? [An accompanying scale graphic appears on screen, featuring Michael Moore, Short Round and the dog from Duck Hunt, along with the following] Mhmm, we've passed Edward from "Twilight", uh, the racist robots from "Transformers 2", which means we're right between [Dinging sound] Chris Tucker and Jar Jar Binks! That's quite an accomplishment, movie! That's quite an accomplishment! [Beat] Shoot yourself!

Care Bears Movie, The[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: [Skipping his usual opening line] I gotta tell you, my work's not always easy. I mean, granted, this is the greatest job in the world, but whenever somebody asks you "What did you do at your job today?" and you have to answer "I watched 'Care Bears: The Movie'", I die a little inside. [Beat] Yeah, I die a little. How can anyone say that with any shred of dignity? How can anyone speak that with any pride? [Beat] You can't. Roll it. [The movie's title screen appears] Yes, the Care Bears were pretty big in their day. Disgustingly cute, disgustingly nice and disgustingly marketable, how could any child not get wrapped up in their disgusting-ness? So when this movie came out, children roared with applause and parents cringed in fear knowing that they would have to sit through this technicolor vomit. Is it as bad as it looks? Well there's only one way to find out: let's take a look at... [Sighs deeply] ..."Care Bears: The Movie."

Nostalgia Critic: [As one of the orphanage kids] Mr. Cherrywood, there seems to be a lot of holes in your story. Why would they never follow a river in the sky? Th-they just never questioned why it was there? And for that matter, if they've never followed it before, why would they have a giant sailboat on standby?
Nostalgia Critic: [As Mr. Cherrywood] Quiet, or I will smack you with my ring hand.

Nostalgia Critic: Actually, I always wondered what would be counted as quote, unquote "caring". I mean, if I'm ordering a pizza with a friend is it like...
Nostalgia Critic 1: Ey, what kinda toppings you want?
Nostalgia Critic 2: Oh, I don't care. [realizing] NO! NO! I DIDN'T MEAN THA- [Care Bear sounds; puts his head in his hand]
Care Bear: [offscreen] Hi! We're the Care Bears! And everybody needs to care about someth- [Nostalgia Critic picks up his gun and shoots blindly in their direction multiple times] AHHH! AHH! OHH! AHHH!

Nostalgia Critic: So their new bunny friend joins them on their adventure, but unfortunately the purple smoke takes on another form.
Kim: Braveheart! [Braveheart puts up his fists and attempts to fight the giant purple bird, but promptly gets knocked down]
Nostalgia Critic: Ugh! You know, you're really bad at that! Just because you're brave doesn't mean you're capable! [The screen freezes on Braveheart getting hit again as the word "FAIL" appears in big stenciled lettering]
Friendship Bear: Our only hope is a Care Bear Stare. I just hope it works. There's only two of us. Care Bear...STARE! [The two bears begin hitting the bird with their combined Stares]
Dr. Raymond Stantz: [from Ghostbusters] Start bringin' 'em down! Start bringin' 'em down! You got 'em! Don't cross the streams!
Friendship Bear: The two of us aren't enough! [The bird swoops down for another attack, but is pelted with the combined Stares of all the Care Bears on the boat from before]
Nostalgia Critic: [As the Care Bears] TASTE THE RAINBOW, MOTHERFUCKER! [The bird disappears as Kim, Jason and the cousins start celebrating and the Critic returns to reviewing] Pfft, well fuck caring! The answer to this problem was violence. Wonderful, caring violence!

[When the care bears have failed to stop the Evil spirit's spell]
Cozy heart Penguin: Nicholas?
[Nicholas appears with wide eyes and a flowing cape]
Nostalgia Critic: [Laughing] Oh, Jesus!
Nicholas: [Possessed voice] Where are they?
Nostalgia Critic: This kid could totally give the emperor from Star Wars a run for his money!
Nicholas: [Emperor Palpatine's voice] Now, young Skywalker... you will die!

Nicholas: You're too late. Too late!
Nostalgia Critic: [As Nicholas] "I have officially become a vampire! Not one of those sparkly ones, though, they totally suck ass."
Tenderheart: Jason, the key! [Jason digs on his pocket and takes out the key but the spirit fires a beam at the key making it releases energy waves]
Kim: [shielding herself] Eeeeaaaahhhh!
Jason: [doing the same thing] Oh No!
[The key disappears and Nelson Muntz's laugh is heard]

Jaws 3D[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: If you thought Jaws 2 was unnecessary, here's a sequel that adds even more unnecessary-ness. Crappy effects, boring characters and 3D that's so lame, you'll be looking at your hand thinking that it's flat. And of course, what I mean by bad 3D is NO 3D! This movie doesn't come with any glasses or anything so it's entirely pointless. In 3D... [begins spazzing his hand towards the camera]...this looks really impressive, but in real life, I look like a freaking spazz! This is what we're in for people, [points to his hand] an hour and a half of this, so lets take a look. [continues spazzing his hand] Annoyed yet?

Nostalgia Critic: So through some really confusing dialogue, I guess the shark dies because they put him in the wrong tank. Unfortunately, that doesn't distract the people from the dead guy floating in the water. [A group of people scream at the corpse and, for some reason, someone pushes a girl closer to the window, causing her to meet face to face with the corpse. The Critic snickers] Who's the A-hole who pushed the girl into the dead body? I mean who does that? [The clip plays again. The Critic points to the right] Oh, hey! A dead guy! [Makes a "Scooch in" gesture with his arms] Scooch in closer, Susie, we oughta get a picture of this! [The girl screams] Oh, grow up!

Nostalgia Critic: Unfortunately, Jaws starts floating towards the base. Oh, and I don't mean "swim", I mean "float" - having actual movement would require another double-A battery. [True to his description, the shark swimming towards the people behind a piece of glass is not moving at all, and the people scream in slow motion] By God! She's very very very very very slowly coming towards us! We only have hours to escape! HOURS! [The shark finally shatters through the glass, not moving at all after the breakage] Oh-ho-ho! The effects for this movie never cease to amaze me. I especially love how Jaws just freezes in time as a vacuum of water floods into the building. It's like she's so bad that she ascends above water - even the elements of earth can't possibly stop her.

Free Willy[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: So Willy gets so mad at the constant clapping that he actually rams the glass, which actually results in one of my favorite scenes from one of the henchmen. [He checks a newly sprung leak coming from one of the tank's bolts, looks back at Willy and smugly eats a piece of popcorn while dramatic music is inserted into the clip, and the Critic laughs in response to it all] No one can eat popcorn so devilishly! Seriously, you can put that in, like, any heartwarming scene and it just would suck the love right out of it! [A scene from "The Princess Bride" is queued up]
Buttercup: I will never doubt again.
Westley: There will never be a need. [He leans down to kiss her, then the henchman eating popcorn with the same dramatic music is played again afterwards]
Nostalgia Critic: You see? It makes anything sinister! Try it out on some other movies, I wanna see what you come up with.

A Troll in Central Park[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: [starts the review by angrily pacing around in a circle. He's so angry, he cannot address the audience calmly] This movie... DUH! [Paces around some more] I mean it's... DAH! [Paces around some more] It's really... FUCKITY FUCK FUCK! Okay... I apologize—FUCK FUCK FUCK! Okay... I'm really sorry, it's just... man, is this a bad one! I mean, just saying the title of this movie pisses me off. That's how bad it is. Watch. [Clears his throat and collects himself] "A Troll in Central—" FUCK THIS MOVIE! [Pounds the table, then punches himself across his face] "A Troll in Central Park". [The movie's title screen is shown] I mean, talk about pandering to your kids and not having any respect for their intelligence. Often considered Don Bluth's worst film, this movie doesn't even seem like a real kid's movie. It seems like a parody of a kid's movie. [Shows a clip from "The Simpsons" Episode "Some Enchanted Evening" (1990) to prove his next point] You know on a show when you see kids watching TV and some over-the-top nonsense is playing that obviously nobody put any thought into? You know, 'cause it's in the background and nobody needs to pay attention to it? Yeah, imagine a whole movie like that: just a complete waste of time that has nothing to offer. I don't care if it's innocent and cutesy. It's a piece of shit, with no constructive creativity that any audience member can see. I had to sit through it, now you're gonna sit through it! Let us venture through "A Troll in Central Park". [Beat] GOD!

Troll Guard: [In sing-song voice as he's walking away] I'm a bad troll... a very bad troll...
Nostalgia Critic: Okay... this is what happens when you let your five-year-old write the screenplay.
Kid's Voice: And then the troll says, "I'm a bad troll..."
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, that's good, son. [Types on a laptop and imitates the kid] "And then the troll says, 'I'm a bad troll...'."
Kid's Voice: I have to go potty.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, even better! [Imitating the kid again] "And then he says, 'I have to go potty'."
Kid's Voice: No, really, I have to go potty.
Nostalgia Critic: [depressed] Oh, oh, yeah. Uh, go ahead, go potty... Still a good line, though. [Continues typing]

Nostalgia Critic: So the kids go down to central park where they get in all sorts of dangers, thank you, Maria, as we listen to some of the brilliant dialogue our writers came up with for Rosie.
Rosie: Boat! Bird! Butterfly! Flower! Hi!
Nostalgia Critic: [proud] That's great, honey. Can you say these words as well? [The words "Annoying, Obnoxious, Tedious, Stupid, Grating, Mind-numbing, Revolting" appear] I knew you could.

Stanley: Oh please, tell me your name!
Rosie: Rosie.
Stanley: [Gasps] Rosie! Did you hea— [Gasps again] Rosie! Oh yes, I like that a lot!
Nostalgia Critic: TELL A STORY! Seriously, there’s only so much whimsical pandering an audience can take! Do something of substance!
Stanley: [Starts singing] I like to close my eyes...
Nostalgia Critic: No, nono, not sing! Not sing!
Stanley: Oh! And absolutely green. Birds singing happy songs...
Nostalgia Critic: Good God, My Little Pony, the Care Bears, Teletubbies, Cabbage Patch Kids, the Smurfs, Barbie, Pound Puppies, Rainbow Brite, Strawberry Shortcake, Barney the Dinosaur, all the High School Musicals, Jem and the goddamn Get Along Gang are fucking butch [The word "BUTCH!" in big red letters appear] compared to this!

Nostalgia Critic: Wait, so if you just dream that certain things will exist, they'll just magically exist? That's… nuts. You can't just dream for something to happen and expect it to magically happen! That's not how life works! Hell, if that was true, I would wish for a waterfall to drown those little bast- [Stanley's boat is about to head over a waterfall] Oh, hey!
Gus: We're gonna crash!
[The boat drops over the waterfall as Stanley chuckles with glee]
Nostalgia Critic: [eagerly] All right! Now I wish for you to crash and burn!
Stanley: [wishes for the boat to start flying, avoiding a fatal crash] No way! [The Nostalgia Critic looks on, dumbfounded] This is my dream, and nobody gets hurt in MY dreams.
Nostalgia Critic: Son of a bitch… [dials Stanley on his phone]
Stanley: [on the phone, voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Pretty, pretty, pretty. Yes?
Nostalgia Critic: Hey! How come your dreaming is so much more power than my dreaming?
Stanley: Oh, that's because I have buttery butterflies, beautiful flowers and the wasted talent of ex-Disney animators.
Nostalgia Critic: YOU ARE SCUM!
Stanley: I love you!
[Nostalgia Critic is briefly confused at Stanley's last phrase, before hanging up]

Gus: What about all your powers, Mr. "You Gotta Believe, Green Thumb"? [takes his toy boat from Stanley's hands]
Nostalgia Critic: YEAH! Tell that Rice Krispie elf!
Stanley: My presitigitation is no match for Gnorga's magic-
Gus: OH, SURE! You're just saying that 'cause you're too scared to fight her! [the flowers gasp]
Stanley: I'd help you if I could, but I can't! She'll turn me to stone, and I don't want to be rock-enized.
Gus: You'll never have a dream come true! And you know why?
Nostalgia Critic: Take your pick. [The screen briefly shows: He's annoying. He's obnoxious. He won't shut up. He's a pansie. He sings to flowers. He's as bland as Edward from Twilight. He's vomitingly cute. His logic makes no sense. He needs to die. He looks like a rejected muppet. He's a coward. He has three teeth. He's a delusional nutball. He lives in Central Park yet is still alive. He's ruining this whole frigging movie, as well as cinema in general. The oompa loompas could beat him up. He makes Mini-Me look tall. He gets excited when toddlers kiss him. He's the only troll more annoying than the ones from Encyclopedia Dramatica. A termite has bigger balls than him. Did I mention he's annoying?]
Gus: You're a coward! [Throws his toy boat]
Nostalgia Critic: [Picks "He's a coward." accompanied by a "Ding!" sound] Good choice.

Stanley: [on the phone, voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] Posy, posy, I love posies. Hello?
Nostalgia Critic: Hey, Stanley. You know, your movie inspired me greatly and uh...
Stanley: Oh that's beautiful.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. And I finally realized that I can dream just as strong as you can dream, maybe even outdream you. So, I've a very special dream lined up for you right now. I hope you enjoy it. [starts to think]
Stanley: Oh, that's wonderful, Mr. Critic. I sure hope that it involves flowers and butterflies and... uh, oh, excuse me, there appears to be a porcupine growing out of my anus. [the Critic nods] Oh, wow, yes, that's incredibly painful, actually. Oh! Oh, yes, incredible amount of pain , ha-ha! Oh, oh, oh, no, now it's transformed into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. [the Critic smiles and nods] Hello Mr. Lizard, how are... [roaring] oh God, he's eating my organs, he's eating my organs! Oh God! Oh no, no, this is incredibly bad! Incredibly- Oh no, I need those!
Nostalgia Critic: Mmm yes. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it so you don't have to. [Gets up and leaves]
Stanley: ...Oh, now he's going after my nads! My enchanted nads! OH! Please! Please! GOD! I still love you.

Theodore Rex[edit]

[The movie's title screen is shown, and the Critic laughs]
Nostalgia Critic: Where do I even begin with this? Whoopi Goldberg and a dinosaur go solving crimes—nope. Can't even begin with that. That's the premise. The premise is so stupid I can't even begin with it. So let's begin with how they came up with the premise: some jackass executives are in an office saying "Hey! We've gotta make some money real quick while putting absolutely no effort into it. Hmm, why don't we take an A-minus-list actor and whatever the hell's popular right now and team 'em both together? Hmm, now let's see, uh, oh! I know! How about Betty White and a Ninja Turtle? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, then a red "X" covers them along with a buzzing noise] No no no, ooh! How about William Shatner and Pokémon? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played] Nah, that's too obvious. Oh, I got it! How about Damon Wayans and that gecko from the GEICO commercials? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played] No no, wait for summer...oh! I got it! I really got it! [Laughs] How about Whoopi Goldberg and one of the dinosaurs from that "TGIF" sitcom? [A Photoshopped picture of the two together is shown, and the same graphic and sound are played one more time] Fuck you, I'm lazy." "Theodore Rex"!

Nostalgia Critic: So let me get this straight: dinosaurs do not only exist in this world, but they also have telepathic powers. Well I don't know about you but this story about a walking talking dinosaur who solves crimes in a Utopian future has totally lost me on its credibility.

Top 11 Coolest Clichés[edit]

[On the dark pasts movie characters often have]
Nostalgia Critic: I always wanted to see a back story that combined all the back stories, like creating the ultimate past. Something like...
Whistler: [From "Blade"] Blade's mother was attacked by a vampire while she was pregnant...
Obi-Wan Kenobi: [From "Return of the Jedi"] He's more machine now than man...
Dolores: [From "Who Framed Roger Rabbit"] A toon killed his brother...
Marv: [From "Sin City"] And along the way he just happened to become the most powerful man in the state.
Nostalgia Critic: Now THAT would be an awesome movie! Like they always say, the dreams of the past create the realities of the future, as well as one of my all-time favorite clichés.
Luke Skywalker: [From "Star Wars"] How did my father die?
Dolores: Dropped a piano on his head.

[On the simple act of screaming "NO!"]
Nostalgia Critic: And of course, the ultimate puss-out moment in any "Star Wars" movie, and that's saying a lot.
Darth Vader: [From "Revenge of the Sith"] NO!
Nostalgia Critic: This especially pissed people off because now Darth Vader has his suit on. He's bad-ass. He's the character we all recognize. He wasn't whiny Anakin any more. And what's the first thing he says? [In high pitched whiny voice] "Where's my girlfriend? I wanna see my girlfriend! What? She's dead? [Even higher pitched] NO!" [Normal voice] Hell, Mr. Bill sounded more butch than you!


Peter: I am still in emergence acquisition, and dabbling into some land development.
Jack: Any resistance! And he blows them out of the water!
Wendy: So... Peter, you've become a pirate. [Film Brain suddenly appears and raises his arms upward and shouts]
Film Brain: Symbolism!
Nostalgia Critic: What was that? Well anyway...

Peter Pan: I remember!
Nostalgia Critic: And thus we begin the reconstruction of Peter Pan's memory... which must be missing a few gaps because there are a bajillion plot holes in this next few minutes. In fact, let's count 'em down!
Peter Pan: What happened here?
Tinker Bell: Hook.
Peter Pan: Hook?
Tinker Bell: Burnt it when you didn't come back.
Nostalgia Critic: Well then, why did you build the new hideout on top of the old hideout? [A counter is shown at the bottom right of the screen, starting at "1"] In fact, why the hell doesn't Hook just burn that? ["2"]
Peter Pan: I remember my mother. I remember her.
Peter's Mother: After graduation, he will prepare for a judgeship in the highest court. [A shot of young Peter in a baby carriage as it rolls down the hill]
Peter Pan: I was afraid because I didn't want to grow up because everybody who grows up has to die someday, so I ran away.
Nostalgia Critic: Uh, you strolled away as you can't really run yet, I guess he used his physic powers ["3"] and plus, you're a friggin' baby! You have no concept of age or death or even the color "orange", how can he comprehend all this?!? ["4"]
Peter Pan: You brought me to Never Land, you taught me to fly. [A shot of baby Peter being taken away in the sky with Tinker Bell]
Nostalgia Critic: OK, so if he went to Never Land to never grow up, THEN WHY IS HE CONSTANTLY GROWING UP?!? He was a baby, then he was a boy and now he's a friggin' teenager? I'd sue Never Land for fucking false advertising! ["5"] There, that's five major plot holes in the past five minutes! Five major plot holes! What the hell happened? You were doing pretty good up until then! What, did the writers of Lost come in to explain everything?

[Maggie shows Peter her paper flower]
Maggie: Tootles made it for me. It smells nice.
Peter: It's paper, honey.
Nostalgia Critic: Dude. How much of a killjoy is this jerk?! [Cuts to him holding a phone to his ear]
Child's voice: Dad, is there a Santa Claus?
Nostalgia Critic: No.
Child's voice: Is there an Easter Bunny?
Nostalgia Critic: No, I made that up too.
Child's voice: Is there a God?
Nostalgia Critic: Well, scientifically speaking, they've never proven that God actually exists, so probably not. In fact, the majority of religions, if not all religions, are completely false. [Pause. The child is heard crying] Oh, what?!

Independence Day[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: Happy Independence Day, everybody! Let's celebrate by reviewing "Independence—" [The title screen is shown] DAH! God I hate this movie! I hate it so much, and yet I always find out that I'm part of a small minority on this. I mean, granted it was a critical flop and when this movie first came out I was excited to see shit blow up, but after you get past the explosions, there is nothing creative or original about this movie. It's just human stereotypes trying to fight off alien stereotypes, nothing more. But so many people keep telling me "Ooh, it's a popcorn movie! Can't you just have fun?" Well let me tell you something: a water slide is fun. All the slipping and sliding, it's just great. But if someone took you off the water slide, shook you, gave you a noogie and then spat in your face and put you back on the water slide, you'd be like "That wasn't fun. That was weird and annoying." And that's this movie!

Nostalgia Critic: Here we see two people playing chess and... yeah, there's really no point in prolonging this any more. Cast, step forward and state your stereotype! [Each of the following impressions is accompanied by the actor's respective character on screen with piano music in the background] I'm Judd Hirsch, I'm the Jewish stereotype! I'm Robert Loggia, I'm the gruff military stereotype! I'm Randy Quaid and I'm the redneck stereotype! I'm Brent Spiner and I'm the geeky stereotype! I'm that guy from "Mrs. Doubtfire" and I'm the gay stereotype! I'm Harry Connick Jr. and I'm the annoying best friend stereotype! I'm Jeff Goldblum and I am in and of myself, ah, a stereotype.

Nostalgia Critic: But meanwhile, the President and his men try to figure out what they're going to do next.
Julius Levinson: It was, what, in the 19-what-50s, whatever, you you had that, uh, spaceship?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh God, you're not...
Julius Levinson: Roswell! Roswell, New Mexico! Yeah! No, you had the spaceship and you had the bodies!
Nostalgia Critic: You're not really going that direction, are you?
Julius Levinson: Area 51, right? Area 51!
President Whitmore: Regardless of what you may have read in the tabloids, there have never been any spacecraft recovered by our government.
Nostalgia Critic: [Exhaling] Oh good! You know, for a second I really thought you'd be stupid enough to—
Secretary Nimziki: That's not entirely accurate...
Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] You know, I'll believe it when I see [The scene immediately shows an alien fighter craft underground at Area 51] DOOH! I DON'T BELIEVE IT! You're actually saying that Area 51 really was an alien and that you never brought it to anyone's attention while the ships were landing? Stand back! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! He's gonna go for it! [Sits back in his chair while an "Independence Day" movie poster moves along the bottom of the screen and over a picture of the shark from "Jaws"] Ooh, he jumped the shark!

[The President, Julius and the others have arrived back on the ground after destroying the alien mothership]
Nostalgia Critic: [As Marianne Whitmore] Daddy, did you save the day?
Nostalgia Critic: [As President Whitmore] Actually, no, a drunk redneck pilot did.
Nostalgia Critic: [As Marianne Whitmore] Well, at least mummy's still alive then.
Nostalgia Critic: [As President Whitmore] Well, yes, I can see we're going to have loads to talk about...

Room, The[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: Well I've gotten e-mails and e-mails and e-mails and E-MAILS of people requesting me to do this one certain movie. Well, today I'm finally gonna give in. This is it. One of the big ones. One of the worst ones ever. I am going to review "The Room". [Beat] That's right. The college film that I made growing up. [Cue grainy footage of a much younger Doug from long ago] I'm surprised you guys wanted me to review this one so bad. I mean, it's not very long and I made it years ago, but ever since I showed it in my flashback section you've all requested me to do it. So let's not waste any time. Let's dive right into— [He hears the sound of crackling lightning and a boom to his left, and suddenly a much older and white-haired Critic bursts through the door with music from "Back to the Future" playing in the background]
Future Critic: Critic!
Nostalgia Critic: Who are you?
Future Critic: I'm you! From the future!
Nostalgia Critic: Well, what're you doing here? Or am I doing here? Or what're we doing here?
Future Critic: This isn't the movie they want you to review, Critic! There's one worse - far worse - that they say is one of the worst movies of all time!
Nostalgia Critic: Really? Oh, that is tempting... when was it made?
Future Critic: All the way in 2003!
Nostalgia Critic: But that's after my cut-off date. That's barely nostalgic.
Future Critic: I know! That's why I've come to take you into the future so that it will be nostalgic!
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, but I wanted to review my old college movie! It was gonna be funny!
Future Critic: No it wasn't.
Nostalgia Critic: Yes it was!
Future Critic: What, were you gonna use another Chuck Norris joke again?
Nostalgia Critic: ...Maybe.
Future Critic: Come on, Critic. There's no time to lose! [Cue footage from "Back to the Future" of the DeLorean picking up speed and bringing them into the basement of the Future Critic's home]
Nostalgia Critic: Wow. So what year is this?
Future Critic: The future!
Nostalgia Critic: Alright, alright, but why am I downstairs in the basement?
Future Critic: Oh, it's the only place we can hide to stay away from the seahorses.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, OK. [Long pause] What?
Future Critic: Oh, seahorses rule the Earth now. Complete domination. Surprised nobody saw it coming, really. [Perplexed, the Critic looks out of the basement window and sees a futuristic city ruled by flying seahorses]
Nostalgia Critic: Well... I'll just deal with that as it comes.

Nostalgia Critic: But more important things are going on, like Johnny buying his girlfriend some flowers. [Scene with Johnny going in the flower shop]
Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses please?
Flower Shop Employee: Oh hi Johnny, I didn't know it was you.
Nostalgia Critic: What....?
Flower Shop Employee: [Gives Johnny some flowers] Here you go.
Johnny: That's me.
Nostalgia Critic: Huh? What the...?
Johnny: How much is it?
Flower Shop Employee: That'll be 18 dollars.
Johnny: Here you go. Keep the change.
Nostalgia Critic: Wait, what...?
Johnny: Hi, doggy.
Flower Shop Employee: You're my favorite customer.
Nostalgia Critic: What....?
Johnny: Thanks a lot. Bye.
Nostalgia Critic: Wait.
Flower Shop Employee: Bye Bye. [Johnny exits Flower Shop]
Nostalgia Critic: OK, hold on! [Scene stops] What just happened? I mean I know he's just buying her some flowers but, I think they were reading the script backwards or something. In fact, let's analyze this scene. I mean I know I'm nitpicking, but this whole 20 seconds really fascinates me!
Johnny: Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses please?
Flower Shop Employee: Oh hi Johnny, I didn't know it was you. [Scene pauses]
Nostalgia Critic: You didn't know it was him? You didn't recognize the 5-foot, girly haired, French zombie until he took off his sunglasses? [Scene resumes]
Flower Shop Employee: Here you go.
Johnny: That's me. [Scene pauses]
Nostalgia Critic: Why did he say that? She didn't give him any reason to say that. Is that just his random catch phrase of the day? [Scene resumes]
Johnny: How much is it?
Flower Shop Employee: That'll be 18 dollars.
Johnny: Here you go. Keep the change. Hi, doggy.
Flower Shop Employee: You're my favorite customer.
Johnny: Thanks a lot, bye.
Flower Shop Employee: Bye Bye.
Nostalgia Critic: And what was up with the rushed pace of that last couple seconds? Did they only have enough money to rent the store for like 2 minutes so they had to shoot it really fast? [Imitating Johnny] Hello, I would like to buy a dozen roses.
Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating Johnny] Here's my money keep the change hello doggy bye!

Nostalgia Critic: So yeah, Lisa invites Mark over again, as Johnny finally heard the lie that Lisa told about him.
Johnny: [In a completely flat tone, despite his frantic gestures] I did not hit her. It's not true. It's bullshit! I did not hit her! [Throws down his water bottle] I did not. [Pause] Oh hi, Mark. [Cut to the Critic, mouth agape, then the scene starts to repeat itself before he interrupts]
Nostalgia Critic: No, no no no no, don't play it again. I think the evidence is very clear: that is the worst piece of acting that has ever been put on film. I mean, my God! Not one inflection was right. Not one word was said correctly. Not one breath of air made me believe anything that he was saying. There are middle school plays that put on better performances than that couple of seconds. That was like the nirvana of bad acting. The holy grail. All hail to you, Your Lameness.
Johnny: I did not hit her! [Throws down his water bottle] I did not! [Pause] Oh hi, Mark. [Cut to a Photoshopped picture of Johnny as a star child-like embryo with the text "You Have Reached Enlightenment!" beneath him with dramatic music playing]
Disembodied Voice: By God was that bad...

Mark: [Comes in with Lisa to find Johnny after he shot himself] Wake up, Johnny, come on!
Nostalgia Critic: "Wake up?" I don't think he'll really wake up from a bullet in the mouth!
Lisa: Is he dead?
Nostalgia Critic: [Flabbergasted by the line] Is he dea.. is he dea... is he dea...[Goes into a fit while imitating that Johnny used a gun and shot himself, while making noises uncontrollably, later he calms himself] Well, yes. Yes he is, young lady. "He has passed on. This person is no more. He has ceased to be. He's expired and gone to meet his maker. He's a stiff. Bereft of life, he rests in peace! If he didn't shoot himself, he'd be pushing up daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's off the twig! He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off the mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the friggin' choir invisible! THIS... IS AN EX-PERSON!"
Shopkeeper: Well I better replace it then.

The Tommy Wiseau Show[edit]

Phantom, The[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: So they tie up the kid and throw him in the back of the truck as they venture forward into the cave. Hmm, a guy in a fedora hat looking in a booby-trapped cave for ancient treasure that's in the shape of a golden head? Thank God I'm unbelievably stupid, or I just might've made a connection to "Raiders of the Lost Ark". But nope. I'm just a dummy who wants to see the bad guy from "Titanic" wear purple spandex. Don't look at me funny. [The robbers turn around to see the Phantom riding a white horse in slow motion towards them, and the Critic starts laughing at this sight] Oh no no no no... [Stops laughing] I'm sorry, it's the Purple Hamburglar. I mean, how is anyone supposed to look at that and take it seriously?
Robber #1: Aw shit!
Robber #2: Run!
Nostalgia Critic: [as a robber] Look out! It's the gayest thing you've ever seen! [The Phantom grabs one of the robbers, hurls him into a tree and the Critic continues reviewing] I don't even get it. Why purple? How does purple blend into anything in the jungle? In fact, how does purple blend into anything period? Actually, I think they did a survey recently asking army recruits what was the best kind of camouflage, and their response was "Not Fucking Purple."

Zeus and Roxanne[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: Fear the dolphin punch! It knocks out sharks. [in a heroic like voice] DOLPHIN PUNCH!

Nostalgia Critic: [After Mary Beth becomes trapped in her submersible with water filling it up] So seeing how there's no friggin' scuba gear that she brought with her, it's up to Roxanne to find her and relay the message that she's in trouble. [Roxanne surfaces in front of Terry and begins making all sorts of noise]
Nostalgia Critic: [as Terry] Look! I think she's trying to tell us something! [Roxanne spins around a couple of times] Lobster people are invading the forest with blenders? [Roxanne bobs her head from side to side] Ninjas from another planet have stolen all the Earth's corn? [Roxanne makes more noises] Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net? That's it? Mary Beth is trapped right below us in a tuna net? Well I better save her!

Becky: If a dog and a dolphin can get along, then why can't our mum and dad?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God! That's it! That's all we needed to know! My God, I've got to show this to everyone, people need to know! [he plays the line again] Yes, did you hear? Yes, it's incredible!
[a front page headline - WORLD PEACE DECLARED - appears onscreen and images of different nationalities dancing together, such as George W. Bush and bin Laden, appear, followed by Coyote and the Road-Runner embracing]

Animaniacs Tribute[edit]

Flintstones Movie, The[edit]

[During the opening credits as the Universal Studios logo is shown onscreen]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, oh. "Univershell"? Its like "Universal" except the put "shell" because there are stones back in the stone age? Uh, yeah. Fuck this. [pauses] Wait a minute! [glances at the poster at the Drive-In] That fucking poster said we were seeing "Tar Wars". I wanna see "Tar Wars"! I don't care if it's just two people drowning each other. It's gotta be more entertaining than this!

[After yet another of several short scenes that doesn't seem to go anywhere]
Nostalgia Critic: Well, look at that! Another scene that didn't seem to go anywhere - he flirts with Halle Berry and it doesn't affect the plot at all. And wouldn't you know it? This scene also happens to be about two minutes long! That seems to be the pattern of this movie: start a scene, have it go nowhere, and then disappear after two minutes. That's all this movie is; just a collection of unfunny two-minute scenes, one after another. Seriously, Halle Berry should just come out in the middle of a scene and be like [Now imitating her] "Guys, I'm really sorry. I know this movie is hard to sit through, but, um... here. [Imitates her flashing the audience] Did that help? I hope that helped. That's all I got. Look, just bear with it - there's only an hour left, it'll be over soon. [Whispers] It'll be over soon."

[Before Fred and Barney can be hanged]
Nostalgia Critic: But Wilma and Betty come just in time as they have the bird tell everybody what happened. Unfortunately, Cliff finds out and decides to kidnap Pebbles and Bam-Bam unless he gets the bird back. [Fred, Barney and the Dictabird confront Cliff in the quarry]
Fred: First, we want our children.
Cliff: Of course. [Points to Pebbles and Bamm-bamm tied up on an assembly line that is high above where Fred and Barney are standing. Pebbles screams] Now, give me the bird!
Nostalgia Critic: Gladly. [Blows into his right thumb and gets his middle finger to raise up before flipping off at the camera with a smile]

[When the Dictobird is released]
Dictobird: I should have sided with Disney, they'd never have allowed this to happen.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh I don't know, killing off innocent animals seems to be a thing in Hollywood lately. [He shows Mufasa falling off the cliff]

Mr. Nanny[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: So after the kids annoy him some more, Hogan talks with Burt to see if he can get out of the job. Again, listen to this and tell me they're not talking about Hogan acting in this movie.
Burt: You wanna spend the rest of your life getting your brains kicked in, suit yourself! But let me clue you in on something: ex-wrestlers aren't exactly in demand, ya know! I mean, who else is going to offer you a career?
Nostalgia Critic: Kind of eerie, isn't it?
[text: "Sean Armstrong died immediately on impact. The children are now in an institute for the criminally insane. Max never did another Muppet movie"]

Rocky IV[edit]

[At Paulie's birthday party, a talking robot rolls out to present him his birthday cake while saying "Happy Birthday Paulie"]
Nostalgia Critic: [as an announcer] That's right! It's the Shark-Jumper 5000! [Text appears on the screen resembling a direct-response marketing commercial, with the phrases "Ruins any movie instantly in the first five minutes", "Wow! No More Credibility!" and "Only $1,999,999,999,999,999"] You think you've seen impressive shark-jumping in other movies? Well this is a fucking robot in a "Rocky" film! [Back to reviewing] Nothing can top that. It's like putting a singing giraffe in a "Godfather" movie. [Cue a Photoshopped image of just that] No rhyme or reason, just pure insanity. Isn't it a delight? Isn't this just the last thing you'd think you'd see in this?
Robot: Please make a wish.
Rocky: Come on, make a wish like he says.
Paulie: I wish I wasn't in this nightmare!
Rocky: Hey, very classy wish. Very nice. [Turns to the robot] What do you think there? [The robot beeps and nods] Very good, huh? [Rocky laughs]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh look, the... robot from "Rocky" just nodded in agreement with him almost as if he can understand what Stallone is saying and actually interact off his emotions. That's, that's quite interesting, I didn't know something like that existed. I mean, here I thought the world of the "Academy Award-winning 'Rocky'" was very similar to ours, you know, very gritty and very real, but uh, uh, no, apparently it's like a sci-fi novel, you can just go out and buy artificially intelligent robots. I, I, I didn't know that. [Awkward pause] WHY DOES THAT EXIST?!?

Nostalgia Critic: So Rocky is off to Russia to fight Drago. Everybody in the world, of course, knows about it... except his wife. [Pause] Woops.
Rocky: I just gotta do what I gotta do.
Adrian: You don't have to do anything. Don't do this.
Rocky: Adrian, a lotta people don't have a choice. I do.
Adrian: You're willing to lose everything?
Nostalgia Critic: OK, we all know this bit. Let me just sum it up: [Imitating Adrian in a high-pitched voice] "Rocky, I've come to bitch and moan at you about why you shouldn't fight!" [Now imitating Rocky's slurred delivery] "And I, the wise genius, have yet another bullshit reason about why I should fight!" [Imitating Adrian] "I can't support you!" [Imitating Rocky] "FINE!" [Pause] "So, you coming to the third act to support me?" [Imitating Adrian] "Don't I always?" [Imitating Rocky] "Cool."

Drago: [to Rocky] I must break you.
Nostalgia Critic: HA! Joke's on you - the right side of his mouth is already broken! [Imitating Rocky as he gets pummeled at the start of the fight] Oh my God, this was a mistake! I immediately regret this! Oh-ho WOW is this guy tough! I can't feel the left side of my body! I don't remember who my mother is! Now I think I'm a cuckoo clock! The more I think about it, maybe the robot needs a sister! UNCLLLLLE! [Back to reviewing] But of course Rocky starts fighting back, as the crowd slowly but surely starts turning to Rocky's side.
Drago's Trainer: [Subtitled from Russian] How can you do this? He's nothing... soft!
Drago: [Subtitled from Russian] He's not human.... He is like a piece of iron.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, did I mention Stallone wrote this?

Nostalgia Critic: So of course having beaten Drago, Rocky makes a great big speech about world peace. Yes, I am dead serious.
Rocky: [Addressing the fight's crowd] I've seen a lotta people hatin' me, and I didn't know what to feel about that, so I guess I didn't like you much none either.
Ringside Announcer: [Translating into Russian with the Critic's own "translation" appearing onscreen] He says he cheated and should be disqualified.
Rocky: During this fight, I've seen a lotta changing...
Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says America is a bunch of pussies and could never win honestly.
Rocky: ...the way you's felt about me, and the way I felt about you.
Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he puts on women's clothing and hangs around in bars.
Rocky: There were two guys killin' each other, but I guess that's better than twenty million.
Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he wants to kill 20 million Russians.
Rocky: What I'm tryin' to say is that if I can change...
Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he's forfeiting the fight.
Rocky: ...and you can change...
Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says Russia wins!
Rocky: [The crowd starts applauding] ...everybody can change!
Announcer: [With the Critic's "translation"] He says he's going to disappear under mysterious circumstances!

Chairman of the Board[edit]

[after a montage of Carrot Top stumbling at tennis, ending with him sliding into the tennis net]
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. We got it. He sucks at tennis. Please move forward!
[another scene plays, with Carrot Top wringing out a towel into a cup]
Bradford: That's very impressive. You know, being the leader of a major corporation is about more than playing video games or settling a strike. [Bradford takes the cup] Your invention idea?
Carrot Top: What about it?
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. He's gonna drink the water, they're just stretching it out. Please move forward!
[another scene plays, this time one with several penis innuendos]
Coach: You have to feel the balls. Caress them instead of whacking them. And think of your racket as an extension of yourself.
Nostalgia Critic: For the love of butter, these jokes are too predictable! I mean, you could just replace the dialogue with... [dubs over coach] Dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke, dick joke. Penis. [pounding the table, in a booming voice] PLEASE MOVE FORWARD!

[After a series of TV-related puns from Edison all fall flat]
Nostalgia Critic: ...Ya know, I'm just gonna start working on the apology from the filmmakers. [Starts writing something down beneath the screen while more of the film is shown] "Dear Film Viewers, we are extremely sorry for the film we have given you. We should have known better and will remember next time to treat you like you have a brain. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. [Pause] Sorry."

Next Top 11 Nostalgia Critic Fuck Ups, The[edit]

[After confessing that a dress in the "Superman 4" review was misidentified as being Victorian]
Nostalgia Critic: Not really too much I can say about this - we simply got the time era of the dress wrong. But needless to say IT WAS LINKARA'S FAULT! That's right. Don't believe me? Take a look at this video apology that he made earlier this week.
"Linkara": [Actually a still picture of him holding his magic gun with what's clearly the Critic's voice coming out of his cut-out mouth] Hello, I'm Linkara, and I totally fucked up. Sorry, I feel like an ass.
Nostalgia Critic: D'oh, Linkara! You don't have to be so hard on yourself.
"Linkara": No, really, it was totally my fault. I should've known not to upset someone as powerful and handsome as you.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh Linkara! Are you saying that I'm so physically attractive that I'm turning you gay right now?
"Linkara": Yes. Yes I am.
Nostalgia Critic: Well, I just don't know what to say, I mean, I'm just speechless, uh—
"Linkara": Bat Credit Card.
Nostalgia Critic: A BAT CREDIT CARD?!? [Begins screaming shooting wildly into the air again]

Pound Puppies the Movie[edit]

[As the Pound Puppies and Purries dance and sing "At the Pound"]
Nostalgia Critic: Wow, the pound looks awesome! I never knew all the fun I was missing out on all this time! Come on, let's all go to the pound right now! [Quickly cuts to an actual animal shelter and the sounds of forlorn dogs] ...d-dance? [Cuts to a couple pictures of dogs in cages, then the Critic tries to sing] "You can hug 'em, you can pet 'em, but you better not forget 'em at the... pound" [Cuts to more dogs in cages and the Critic stops singing] Fuck this, I'm getting a turtle.
Jeff: In commemoration of the thousand-year anniversary of the Bone of Scone, we'll be holding an adoption bazaar at the pound.
Tammy: Yeah! And everybody's invited to come over and adopt a Pound Puppy or a Pound Purrie of their choice.
Nostalgia Critic: Wait, a "Pound Purrie"? Did she really just call a cat a "Pound Purrie"? What, did "Pound Pussy" just cause too much controversy?
Cooler: Some day, one of Big Paw's descendants will guard the Bone of Scone again. It's like my great-grandpuppy said to me: us Coolers are descendants from King Arthur's puppy, Digalot.
Nostalgia Critic: [With his face in his palm and his eyes closed] Who wrote this?

Nostalgia Critic: So, they break into the museum as McNasty finally puts the bone back together.
[McNasty laughs as the bone emits a bright light]
Nostalgia Critic: And... nothing happens. He just sort of declares himself king. Um... bad news, guy. Britain has a parliament and America elects a president. This doesn't really mean anything. I mean, are you really expecting to just walk up to the White House and be like... [Imitates McNasty] Let me in at once! I am your new King! [Imitates a Guard] Uh, no you're not. We've got a president. [Imitates McNasty] But the bone, the bone! [Long pause, then the Critic imitates the Guard shooting McNasty]

Nostalgia Critic: So, they run after McNasty to finally put everything right!
Bones: What about the cops?
McNasty: We'll lose them too! Nothing can stop me now!
Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating McNasty] That is except for a small dog taking the wheel from me, a bigger dog grabbing onto the back, a few sloppy turns and a confusing ride that leads me back to the museum where the police are waiting.

Pebble and the Penguin, The[edit]

Hubie: [singing] Sometimes, I wonder what the colors mean.
Nostalgia Critic: Uh... why don't you figure out what that lyric means, first? That's like saying, "I want to know what the sounds smell like".

[Hubie is gazing up at a bright star]
Hubie: Star light, star bright, first star I see tonight. Wish I may, wish I might, have the wish I wish tonight.
Nostalgia Critic: [as the star, in an electronic tone as if over a phone call] This is the wishing star. Our attorneys advise you to stop ripping off Disney or we'll sue you for the little that you have. Thank you, and never call us again.

[As Hubie is about to tell Rocko a secret]
Hubie: I... Rocko, there's something you should know...
Nostalgia Critic: [as Hubie] Your modern life is no longer in reruns!
Hubie: Waldo isn't real.
Rocko: What...?
Hubie: I needed you to... to show me the way home. I-I didn't think you'd do it if I just asked...
Nostalgia Critic: [as Rocko] Next you'll be telling me the cake is a lie!
Rocko: You! You decided to lie to me! To drag me through three thousand miles of water and killer whales!
[Hubie makes choking noises as Rocko strangles him, then Rocko starts laughing. NC looks confused.]
Nostalgia Critic: What the hell...?
[The scenes of the penguins are Laughing with scenes from Evil Dead II (1987) of a Ash (Bruce Campbell) laughing.]

[Drake pushes up his pecs]
Nostalgia Critic: [as Drake] Man-tits away!
[Drake and Hubie charge at each other and Hubie gets knocked aside with one hit]
Nostalgia Critic: Well, yeah. What did you think was going to happen, dumbass?

[Drake has been crushed by a rock]
Nostalgia Critic: Dude, that was a pretty harsh death. I mean, Just because you don't show blood doesn't mean it's not gruesome. In fact, let's put some blood in that scene and see how it looks. [Drake is crushed again, this time with extra blood] Yeah, disturbing.

Ernest Scared Stupid[edit]

[On Eartha Kitt's portrayal of "Old Lady" Hackmore]
Nostalgia Critic: Is it weird to say that she looks like Chester A. Bum's grandmother?
Chester A. Bum: HOORAY! I'm a bi-racial, half-feline cat person! How come I'm not more surprised...?

[A girl is running from Trantor]
Nostalgia Critic: Points taken off for smiling! ...So anyway, they capture him in a net and put him in the roots of a tree, because... I guess that makes good fertilizer.

Nostalgia Critic: He's behind him, he's behind him, he's behind him, oh big surprise, he was behind him!

Top 11 Scariest Performances[edit]

[On Anthony Perkins' performance in "Psycho"]
Nostalgia Critic: If you haven't seen the movie yet, check it out, and see how influential both the film and his performance was. And speaking of influences, where do you think Alex got his smile from?
Norman Bates: But she's harmless. She's as harmless as one of those stuffed birds.
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and if you're thinking about seeing the shot-by-shot remake, I have only one thing to say to you: Vince Vaughn as Norman Bates. [The Critic imitates turning the crank on a jack-in-the-box with "Pop Goes the Weasel" playing in the background, but instead of a clown, the word "FAIL" on a metal spring pops out]


[As the seven main characters gather around a photo album]
Nostalgia Critic: They talk about how they've all seen the killer clown and discover that he might've been around for as long as 200 years. This literally gets the picture going as Mike's book comes to life just to make the kids piss their pants again. ["It" appears in clown form (a.k.a. Pennywise) and scares the seven kids]
Pennywise: I'll kill you all! Ha-ha! I'll drive you crazy, and I'll kill you all!
Nostalgia Critic: Sticks and stones may break my bones, BUT FIRST YA GOTTA THROW 'EM!
Pennywise: I'm every nightmare you've ever had! I am your worst dream come true!
Nostalgia Critic: Uhh, why don't they just close the book? Wouldn't it be able to shut him up if they just slammed that thing shut? [The Critic holds a book open with Pennywise's voice coming from its pages]
Pennywise's Voice: Ha-ha! I'll drive you crazy, and I'll kill you all! [The Critic slams the book shut and muffled screams of pain can be heard from within before he opens it again] I'm every nightmare you've ever ha— [The Critic slams the book shut again, muffled screams are heard and he opens it again] I am your— [Closes it, then opens it] —worst dream— [Closes it, then opens it] —come true! [Closes it, then hesitates before opening it one more time to hear singing] I'm just a sweet transvestite... [Closes it a final time and chucks the book to the side]

[After "Its" true form is revealed to be a giant, six-legged spider]
Nostalgia Critic: What...? What?! [sputters incoherently before splashing water all over his face] WHAT?!
Nostalgia Critic: WE WAITED THREE FUCKING HOURS FOR THAT?! You can't be serious! You CAN'T be serious! If I heard that a movie called "It" was just building up to a big silly monster, I think THIS would've been a better payoff! [a portrait of Cousin Itt from The Addams Family is shown] I mean, seriously?! SERIOUSLY?!
Nostalgia Critic: My God! So you're telling me this whole fucking time we were building up to... [Closes his eyes in disbelief as Spider Smith from "Lost in Space" appears to his left]
Spider Smith: Spiders! A giant legion of spiders!
Nostalgia Critic: God damn it, Dr. Smith! This is really what you and Stephen King find frightening?
Spider Smith: Yes! My dream is finally realized! I— [Stops, sniffing the air] What smells like urinated whiskey?
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, it's me. I've been playing the Stephen King Drinking Game.
Spider Smith: Oh good God, man! That's been known to kill people!
Nostalgia Critic: [Now lapsing into a drunken stupor while pulling out his gun] Hey, you know what else has been known to kill people? I'll tell you... this! [Fires several shots that all miss Smith, who simply stands there] That's right, hold still, hold still, I'm gonna shoot all five o' ya... You're goin' down, spider man! Not the superhero, the the... the you! Woo!
Spider Smith: I'll just show myself out. [Sneaks away out of sight]
Nostalgia Critic: Ahhah... yeah, you better run!


[The Nostalgia Critic and the Cinema Snob wonder about a Sitcom called "3 Guys That Paint"]
Nostalgia Critic: Hey , is it me or do you really want to see a Sitcom called "3 Guys That Paint"?
Cinema Snob: Yeah, I could actually see that happening. [A CBS commercial that uses clips from the movie starts]
Cinema Snob: [As announcer] Coming this fall to CBS, one's a good looking painter, one's a bumbling doofus, and the other is the boy with a heart of Gold. Top it all off with a Psychotic killing Leprechaun and you have the hit family Sitcom of the year, "3 Guys That Paint". [The "What's Not To Love" subtitle appears] Coming this fall to CBS. Welcome home.

[The Leprechaun chases a highway patrol officer into the forest, where he starts toying with him]
Leprechaun: Over here! [Scurries behind one tree, then reappears next to another tree] I'm over here!
Nostalgia Critic: [singing as the Leprechaun/Tom Bombadil] Oh Tom Bombadil is a merry fellow / Bright blue is his jacket and his boots are yellow [The officer throws his baton towards the Leprechaun]
Cinema Snob: Oh, he throws a stick at it?! Is that really what they teach these guys when they come across a supernatural being? Throw a stick at it?!
Nostalgia Critic: [as an officer trainee] Sarge! Sarge! I got a question!
Cinema Snob: [as his sergeant] What is it, Callahan?
Nostalgia Critic: What if - now this is totally hypothetical - what if I was attacked by a psychotic killer leprechaun that was trying to kill me?
Cinema Snob: I dunno, throw your stick at it.
Nostalgia Critic: "Throw my stick at it" - right! [Turns to leave, then comes back] What if it's the Easter Bunny?
Cinema Snob: Get outta here!

My Pet Monster[edit]

[After the Critic outlines all of his complaints with the movie, including why it ended the way it did]
Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I'm gonna call the director right now and find out! [Whips out a phone and dials it before speaking into it] Hi, this is the Nostalgia Critic and I wanna know what the hell you were thinking with the ending of "My Pet Monster"! In fact, what the hell were you thinking with the entire movie in general?! [Pauses while the person on the other line responds] Well, I-I-I don't know what I was expecting, I mean, I... [Pauses] ...yeah yeah, I saw the cover and I still rented it... [Pauses] ...yeah, I-I watched it willingly... [Pauses], I'm not... babysitting anybody, I, uh... [Pauses] ...I'm 28... [Pauses] ...well, it's, um, it's kinda my job, I, uh... [Pauses] ...yeah, I, uh, watch... children's programming and tell people what I think online... [Pauses] ...uh-huh... [Pauses] [I'm] ...very happy that you pity me... [Pauses] ...yeah, we're done. We're done. Um, just, uh, thank you for your time and sorry to have inconvenienced you. OK, bye. [Hangs up, thinks for a moment and addresses his viewers] I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... and I gotta think a few things through. [Gets up, walks out and sits down in front of a window with "The Lonely Man" from the Incredible Hulk TV show playing in the background]

Nostalgic Commercials![edit]

[The Critic sees a commercial for the Chia Pet]
Off-screen Female Singer: Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia!
Nostalgia Critic: [in a low voice] Behold, the most boring thing in the entire freakin' world!

Off-screen Female Singer Chi-Chi-Chi-Chia!
Nostalgia Critic: [imitating female singer] Ba-ba-ba-Bullshit!

[The Critic sees a commercial for the Wet Banana, a kind of Slip 'n Slide knock-off]
Announcer: Here's Wet Banana!
Nostalgia Critic: Uhhhhhhh... [Looking around uncomfortably]
Announcer: You can splish and splash on Wet Banana like Billy!
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, be like Billy and take a ride on the wet banana.
Announcer: You can dip and slip like Ricky!
Nostalgia Critic: Yes, dipping and sliding is a very good thing to do with your wet banana.
Announcer: Slippery wet fun for the whole gang!
Nostalgia Critic: A very special kinda gang, but yes, slippery wet fun is guaranteed.
Announcer: Could that be Mom on Wet Banana? [The Critic does a spit take at this] It is!
Nostalgia Critic: MOM! Get off my wet banana! [Pause] What would Dad say?
Announcer: Regular Wet Banana 25 feet long, and the new Wet Banana Super Slide 30 feet long!
Nostalgia Critic: My, MY, that's a fucking big banana!
Announcer: Each sold separately from Koki!
Nostalgia Critic: Caution: may hurt some women.

[The Critic sees a commercial for the Magic Potty Baby]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh, God! Not one of these! Quit while you're ahead, commercial! You might be able to sell it if you stop now! [the commercial shows the baby peeing in the toy potty] D'OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! OH! NASTY! I MEAN, D'OHHH! OHHHHHHHH!
Female Announcer: It's fun to help Magic Potty Baby learn to use her potty.
Nostalgia Critic: NO, IT'S NOT! IT'S FUCKING GROSS! God, and they say boys can be disgusting! Ew! [the girl kisses the baby] Don't kiss it! You don't know where it's been!

Old vs. New: The 10 Commandments vs. The Prince of Egypt[edit]

[On the two films' different depictions of God]
Nostalgia Critic: As far as the story goes, the "Ten Commandments" God is probably the one most people would think about when hearing it. I mean, this is the God who sent flaming hail, constant darkness and killed all the firstborns. In short, this was a bad-ass God, so they provided Him with a deep, bad-ass voice.
"Ten Commandments" God: Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.
Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating that God] Do this in my name or you will get a cap in your ass! Seriously, you're like a bug, I could just be like "Pfft!" and you're gone. Don't mess it up. I am Bad-ass God! [Back to reviewing] In "Prince of Egypt," we get more of the warm, loving God that many people have favored over the past several years.
"Prince of Egypt" God: Take the staff in your hand, Moses. With it, you shall do my wonders.
Nostalgia Critic: In my opinion, the "Prince of Egypt" God is a little more clever and well thought out. Just look at the burning bush - it looks like something not of this world, but also something that can be soothing and comforting. The one in "The Ten Commandments" looks more like a cartoon than... well, the actual cartoon. It also makes the clever choice of having the voice of Moses be the voice of God. You can read a lot into that and come up with some fun conclusions as to why.
"Prince of Egypt" Moses: Who are you?
"Prince of Egypt" God: I am... that I am. [A picture of Popeye with a speech bubble saying "I yam what I yam!" appears over the burning bush]
Popeye: [Singing] I'm Popeye the sailor man!

Thief and the Cobbler, The[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: Today's film is, um... interesting. [A red subtitle appears beneath him that says "Interesting = Bullshit"] And when I say "interesting" I mean it has a very interesting history. The name of the film is The Thief and the Cobbler... [Music from the film starts playing as a corresponding title card is shown, only to be interrupted by a record-scratching sound] ...or The Princess and the Cobbler... [The music starts again and the title card changes, but is interrupted by another record scratch] ...or Arabian Knight... [The music starts again and the title card changes, but is interrupted by one more record scratch] ...or An Abomination of Assness, which is what most people call it. If a film can't decide on what the title is, how can it decide on the audience it's going to appeal to? Is it appealing to toddlers? To older children? To the mainstream Disney crowd? The strange, surreal fantasy crowd? What? WHAT?! Well, before I talk about the film, let's talk about... the film. Once upon a time, there was an animator named Richard Williams. He's said to be one of the great animation directors, having done the Chuck Jones-produced Christmas Carol, that trippy Raggedy Ann and Andy film, and probably his biggest accomplishment: the animation for Who Framed Roger Rabbit?. Yet before all of that, he started production on The Thief and the Cobbler in 1964. It was released in 1993. What the hell happened all that time? Apparently the film was independently funded and Williams went on and on saying that this was gonna be his masterpiece. Because of this, the film took years and years of perfecting and financing to finally get it finished. In fact, one of the actors died before the film even got released: Vincent Price recorded his dialogue over twenty years before it ever saw the light of day. And as of now, it continues to be the longest time it's ever taken to complete an animated picture. Because this turkey was taking so long, the film was bought by the Completion Bond Company and kicked Williams off the project, having it released by Miramax and putting together their own half-assed cut that is still considered to be the cum bucket of a dick-cock. This is that version. So let's see how this magnum opus went to magnum anus in "The Thief and the Cobbler"!

Nostalgia Critic: Eventually, the Thief manages to get the golden balls as he - here's a shocker - MONOLOGUES TO HIMSELF!
Thief: [Removing the first ball] You're gonna buy me a castle by the sea! [Removing the second ball] And you're gonna buy me everything I need to turn the basement into a rec room! [Removing the third ball] And with you... I-I tell ya... sweetheart, I'm going to Disneyland!
Nostalgia Critic: Ya know, it's funny; when I hear pop cultural references in a film that takes place in Arabia, I think of Aladdin. But this was being made before Aladdin. Apparently, Disney animators drew influence from this movie when it was being made that helped Aladdin get off the ground. And after that came out, the new producers of this film drew influence from Aladdin. [Illustrates the following with a diagram featuring the two films' posters and two arrows] So "Aladdin" ripped off this, only to have this rip off "Aladdin". Basically the film is a product of ANIMATED INBREEDING! [Cuts to a clip of two smiling, toothless young men with banjo music playing in the background] Suddenly this is all starting to make more sense, isn't it?

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, hold on. Tack, Zigzag, Yum Yum? These aren't names, these are words an infant is trying to say for the first time!
Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating a baby as a tack is shown] Tack! [a maze] Zigzag! [a pie] Yum Yum! [a The Thief and the Cobbler poster] Shitty fuck fuck fuck shitty fuck shit fuck!

Zigzag: Now that I have the balls...
Yakko Warner: Good night, everybody!

Nostalgia Critic: [Concluding his review] I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remem- [Phone rings and Critic answers it] Hello?
Vincent Price: [On the phone] Critic, I knew you would blow me off after that last phone call, so I set a time bomb in your house before it was built. Clever me. [Critic grows concerned and braces in fear] But don't worry, it's set to go off in exactly fifty seconds. You'd better run, big boy.
Nostalgia Critic: [Quickly] I remember it so you don't have to! [Gets up and runs for his life]
Vincent Price: One, two, skip a few, fifty. [KABOOM!] Ooh, I love it when I'm nasty.


[The Mariner tells Helen to come into the water with him and leave Enola on his boat]
Nostalgia Critic: Oh yeah, she'll be fine. Just ignore the fact that you JUST ESCAPED THE TERRORISTS, THEY'RE MOST LIKELY TRACKING YOU RIGHT NOW, AND LITERALLY YOU'RE NOT MOVING! Let's just put the Idiot Clock up there to count down what a dumb idea this was. [A digital clock labeled "IDIOT CLOCK" appears above the Critic's right shoulder with 21 seconds on it which begins to count down] So he drags her underwater in this safety bubble only to show her that Dryland is all washed up. Of course, you could make the argument that the air pressure would kill her and if not, she'd probably run out of oxygen eventually, but like I said, let's keep this one plot hole at a time. And speaking of which, the Idiot Clock is almost up - how's Enola?! [Cut to the Deacon capturing Enola] WHA?! The Smokers got her?! Well if I didn't know any better I'd say you two were IDIOTS! They jump in the water and Costner breathes oxygen into her mouth, leaving the Smokers to destroy the boat and take Enola away to try to figure out the map on her back. [The Mariner returns to the surface to find his boat has been destroyed.]
The Mariner: [Monotone] My boat.
Nostalgia Critic: [Imitating the Mariner's monotone] You maniacs. You blew it up. Damn you. Damn you all to hell.

Nostalgia Critic: So, we see that Hopper is getting away with Enola on the plane. What's Costner to do? [Mortal Kombat music starts playing] Let's get ready for STUFF! God bless you, stuff! We love you!

Nostalgia Critic: [As they reach Dryland] Okay, I want to end this review, so...insert Lost, Blue Lagoon, Swiss Family Robinson, Jurassic Park, and/or Gilligan's Island joke here. Get creative.

Little Monsters[edit]

[On the scene where we're first introduced to Maurice the monster]
Nostalgia Critic: Now I know what you're saying to yourself: haven't I seen this character a bajillion times before? Well yes, yes you have. He's part of the Annoying Supernatural Fast Talking Dick Club. [Accompanying text shows up on the screen] Never heard of it? It was very popular in the late 80s and early 90s. I think it began with "Beetlejuice" - ever since that movie came out, suddenly every flick had an annoying, supernatural, fast-talking dick in it. Don't believe me? Let's check out a few other films that came out around that time. [Maurice is shown again for a few seconds, followed by a side-by-side comparison to Beetlejuice, then to Fred from "Drop Dead Fred", then to the Genie from "Aladdin", then all four characters share corners of the screen for a few seconds as the Critic starts to put a gun in his mouth before being cut off by another voice saying "Point Made"] Oh thank God!

Nostalgia Critic: So they bring a bunch of flashlights and venture to where they think their brother is being held.
Boy: [That's not a description, that's actually the character's name] Brian Stevenson.
Brian: Where's Eric?
Boy: And you brought some little playmates along with you! How nice!
Brian: I want my BROTHER!
Nostalgia Critic: [Referencing his "Waterworld" review] As well as some FOOD!
Boy: [Mock-offended] Oh, Brian. What sort of a greeting is that? After all, we are so much alike.
Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, who are you? We're literally given no introduction to this character. Is he the boss? Is he the ruler? Did he have a plan the whole time? Are they somehow powered by the misery of children? Well, thankfully, none of that is answered, because they had to make room for really important scenes like this one.
[A teddy bear approaches at Brian’s feet and drills a hole through Brian’s shoe with a drill sticking out of its nose; Brian notices this and kicks it aside]
Nostalgia Critic: Didn't that add so much!?

Rover Dangerfield[edit]

Nostalgia Critic: If you think this is like movies where you can say the actor was just a product of the Hollywood system, think again. Rodney Dangerfield had everything to do with this movie. He was the producer, handled the screenplay, came up with the idea. He even wrote the story with his pal Harold Ramis! How do you think that process went?
Nostalgia Critic: [as Dangerfield, talking on the Phone] Hey, Harold! I got this great idea for a kid's movie! It's me as a dog!
Harold Ramis: [as Egon in Ghostbusters] I think that would be extraordinarily dangerous.
Nostalgia Critic: Glad you like it! Bye! [hangs up and looks at the Camera] Ho ho!

[Rover offers Connie a flower]
Connie: Oh, Rover! You wouldn’t forget my birthday.
[Rover turns his head and growls angrily]
Rocky: Hey, what’s happenin’, girls? How are we all?
Connie: Rocky!
Nostalgia Critic: [sarcastic] Gee, I wonder who the villain is! Out of all the people in this room, I guess it could be anybody! No, but seriously, I think it’s Showgirl #4. [a Green Arrow points to a random Showgirl in the room] Actually, it turns out it’s her boyfriend Rocky—what a shock—as Rover watches him partake in a shady deal.
[Rover and Eddie (with a bone in his mouth) watch the deal from a high window with the window’s door lifted up and secured above their heads]
Mobster #1: Let's see the cash.
Rocky: [shows the Mobsters a suitcase full of Cash] It's all here. Relax.
Rover: Eh, it's another one of his phony deals.
[The window door lands on Eddie’s head, which makes his bone fall out of his mouth and land on the lampshade above Rocky and the mobsters; All three panic and scramble about]
Mobster #2: The Cops!
Mobster #1: It's a Setup!
Mobster #2: Let's get outta here!
Nostalgia Critic: [surprised] Wow! That is the most paranoid gang of mobsters I’ve ever seen! Do all their deals go like that? I mean, they could be in the middle of a meeting, and one guy could be, like… [slowly lifts up a coin in front of the camera then drops it]
Mobster #2: The Cops!
Mobster #1: It's a Setup!
Mobster #2: Let's get outta here!
Rocky: Wait! It's just a Dog! A stupid Dog!
Mobster #1: This was your last chance, small time. [leaves the room]
Nostalgia Critic: [as Mobster #1] You’ll curse the last day you’ve ever messed with the easily excitable pussy gang!

[After Rover falls into a truck bed full of corn and the Critic is already exasperated by his constant one-liners]
Nostalgia Critic: In fact, I'm not even gonna tell you the one-liner. No, I want you to just look at this scenario and tell me the worst possible joke that you can think up. Good luck. [The picture switches to the set of "Jeopardy!" where three contestants are confronted with the following question from the category "DUMB-ASS ONE LINERS": "What is the worst possible joke you could think up for this scene?" all while the famous theme music plays] Well, let's look at your answers. No, there's no point in looking at the answer, because I know you all got the same fucking answer. So everybody in the whole goddamn world say on the count of three what exactly the joke is! 1, 2, 3 [The Critic, a chorus of other voices and text on the screen all say the following words] "I'M TURNING INTO A CORNDOG!" FUCK YOU MOVIE! FUCK YOU!

A Nostalgia Critic Christmas![edit]

[As the Critic stands over Roger's body]
Nostalgia Critic: My God...I never realized just how many lives I've made miserable. But there is one life that I can safely say I made better...MINE! [Runs back to the room where his reviews are filmed to find Ma-Ti and a Fraggle puppet "talking" to each other]
"Giggles": ...And that's when Mary Poppins had an abortion, and later she became a revolutionary.
Ma-Ti: Wow, that's really interesting, Giggles!
Nostalgia Critic: [Shoving Ma-Ti out of his chair] Hey hey hey! Get outta here! Get outta here!
"Giggles": Hey, you're a bastard! [The Critic pounds him on the table twice and he and Bargo run off]
Nostalgia Critic: The fuck was that...? [Looks back at the camera] Hey, people! I'm back, and I'm here to stay! And I just wanted to say one thing to all of you: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas, you porn reviewing fucktard! [Camera switches to Cinema Snob in a recliner]
Cinema Snob: Blow me!
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you self-righteous activist for anything, you! [Camera switches to Nostalgia Chick filing her nails]
Nostalgia Chick: I so wish you'd die...
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you pasty comic book-reading ass magnet, you! [Camera switches to Linkara, who merely looks up from a comic book and flips off the Critic] Merry Christmas, you over-excitable Puerto Rican jumping bean! [Camera switches to Angry Joe in a bandolier]
Angry Joe: Oh, I am so working on a hand grenade with your name on it!
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas, you pompous reject of everything likable, you! [Camera switches to Spoony smiling in his room]
Spoony: Thanks a lot! I'll see you in hell!
Nostalgia Critic: Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas to all!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Cartoon, The[edit]

[As Splinter recalls to April how he and the turtles came to be]
Splinter: It was a powerful mutagen. It caused whoever touched it to take on the form of whatever animal they had most recently been in contact with.
Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, this is back in the day when science goo could just... do anything. You could make up the most absurd reasoning that has no scientific logic but, it's science goo, so it flies. For example, let's see what happens when I take this jar of Philadelphia cream cheese [Puts one down on the table in front of him] and pour some science goo all over it. [Pours an opaque liquid on to the cream cheese container until it magically turns into a doll in a box] DAMN IT! It always turns into a 12-inch talking doll of Dennis Miller! Science fucking sucks, man! Science fucking sucks! [Pouts in his seat for a second before pushing a button on the back of the box to make the doll talk]
Dennis Miller Doll: Hey, what if those crop circles are just ads for Target?