The Nostalgia Critic/Season 13

Quotes from the 13th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2020.

Spider-Man

Nostalgia Critic: Here, we got the tough life part down, but every scene, it looks like she's praying, nay, pleading for direction about what her character is supposed to be, as she's running out of ways of just being...nice!

Mary Jane: Harry, relax. / You'll think I'm a stupid little girl with a crush. / I'd like a cheeseburger. / No, I guess not. / You are...amazing. / I'm in love with somebody else. / I want to...act.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Mary Jane] Somebody...please! There's only so long I can smile like a sitcom wife who's dead inside!

---

Nostalgia Critic: It looks like the Goblin has kidnapped Mary Jane as well as a car full of kids. You can tell they were saving the really good effects for the climax here. [growls] Same year as GOLLUM!

Spider-Man 2

Nostalgia Critic: [as Peter] So now that you're engaged, I turned down your advances, and I treated you like shit, want to go out?

Peter: Will you think about it?

Mary Jane: Think about what?

Peter: Picking up where we left off. Punch me, I bleed.

Nostalgia Critic: He's giving you an open invitation to punch him! Don't miss this opportunity!

---

Nostalgia Critic: It's great when your hero's action face constantly looks like he's trying to hold in a fart. [Peter's strained expression while rescuing the train is shown with the sound of flatulence added in] In a truly touching moment, all the people on the train agree they won't reveal his secret identity, even Big Pussy and Dan Castellaneta.

[Scene is shown]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, great. Doesn't mean all the people who took pictures on their phones are gonna be that quiet. [shows a made-up Twitter update by Flash Thompson revealing Spider-Man's identity]

Spider-Man 3

Gwen: Pete, if you've got a picture of my kiss with Spider-Man... After all, who gets kissed by Spider-Man, right?

Mary Jane: I can't imagine. [An image of fire is edited into MJ's eyes] I don't feel very well. I'm sorry, I have to go.

Nostalgia Critic: MJ walks out, saying Peter just doesn't understand her, which [The shot of Gwen kissing Spider-Man is shown] I think is fair...

---

[Spider-Man is brooding on the bell tower]

Nostalgia Critic: Did you really think, when you saw this scene on the poster, this would be the scene that leads up to it? [shows the infamous dance scene; cut to a church] This guy knows how Christianity works.

Eddie: I come before You today, to ask you for one thing: I want you to kill Peter Parker.

Nostalgia Critic: Yes, as Jesus said in the Bible, "Do unto others...you want me to kill a guy? I'll fucking kill a guy."

The Amazing Spider-Man

Nostalgia Critic: Spider-Prick! Spider-Prick! Fucker will nail you in the dick!

---

Nostalgia Critic: The fight scene is fun and leads to one of my favorite Stan Lee cameos, as well as something I bet you never thought you'd see in a Spider-Man film up to this point: a girl do something!

[Gwen attacks the Lizard]

The Lizard: Gwen!

Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on! Clearly, you should be falling off a building or hanging onto something. [that actually happens]

The Amazing Spider-Man 2

Nostalgia Critic: We have Gwen Stacy, played again by Emma Stone, in a strange montage, giving a graduation speech about bad foreshadowing.

Gwen: I know we all think that we're immortal. What makes life valuable is that it ends. So don't waste it living someone else's life.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Gwen] I guess what I'm saying is, that burial site over there looks really nice. Back to me being alive.

Gwen: Cause even if we fall short...

Nostalgia Critic: [The infamous death scene is shown] Hey, too soon.

Gwen: ...what better way is there to live?

---

Nostalgia Critic: There's less than 20 minutes of the movie left, and another villain has been thrown into the mix, arguably Spider-Man's most famous villain, and he gets 1/9 of the movie to shine.

Spider-Man: Oh, no. This is bad.

Nostalgia Critic: This is very bad. [Gwen's infamous death scene is shown] Spider-Man fights Harry, slowly turning into Mr. Bean, but Gwen gets tossed, and Spider-Man's web...hand tries to catch her. As fans of the comic have deduced and movie fans are tired of having hammered in, Spider-Man is unable to save her, and she dies.

Trolls

Nostalgia Critic: The song is a little annoying, but I guess still upbeat, as a troll named Branch, voiced by Justin Timberlake, is concerned as he's always paranoid the Bergens are coming.

Branch: The Bergens are coming! [He knocks over a table with the birthday cake on it and runs off screaming] The Bergens are coming! [He knocks over a table with the wedding cake on it and runs off screaming] The Bergens are coming! [At a funeral he knocks over a coffin containing a dead clown troll and runs off screaming]

Nostalgia Critic: Well, I know what should have been the poster!

---

Branch: He's selling us out!

[Branch lashes out at Creek with his hair through the bars]

Poppy: Branch! Please give him a chance!

Creek: Thank you, Poppy. I'm selling you out.

Nostalgia Critic: Did they even have to write lines for him? I'm pretty sure Russell Brand just showed up and they were like, "Just say what you normally would in this situation."

Frozen II

[The sisters discover the ice sculpture is depicting Iduna and Prince Agnarr]

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, okay, the father who looks nothing like him, they figured out, but the mother who literally hasn't changed one bit? Now, that took some putting together.

Alpha and Omega

Nostalgia Critic: So there's, surprisingly, a lot of straight-to-DVD sequels. Seven, to be exact. Which got me thinking, maybe it's like The Land Before Time movies, where people really liked the first one and the sequels tried to exploit it to dea– [The Rotten Tomatoes page for Alpha and Omega has 16%] Or maybe not.

---

[Kate accidentally puts on the librarian's glasses and bra]

Nostalgia Critic: You got $20 million to make DeviantArt a movie.

Stuart Little 2

Stuart: But, Margalo, why?

Nostalgia Critic: [as Stuart] I thought we had something together. True, the thought of our kids does give me nightmares... [An image of a mouse-bird hybrid is shown] There it is again! But I still thought we can make it work.

Superman Returns

[Lois tries to help the other passengers, but is flung violently against the walls and floor]

Nostalgia Critic: Dead! Dead! Dead! Jesus, was Lois Supergirl this whole time and we never knew it? That'd be a fucking twist! Clark of course notices the plane and changes into Superman to save the day.

Air Force guy: There's some kind of unidentified bogey on coming in from the north.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Air Force guy] It's a bird! It's a plane! Nah, it's Apache Chief. I always wondered when he was coming back. [The plane plummets toward baseball players who suddenly notice it; sarcastically] Don't know how we missed that!

Nostalgia Critic: [as sportscaster] As you can see, they switched out the pitcher, the crowd is going wild, and we're all about to perish in flames. It was nice knowing you, Rick. I love you, Don.

[Superman saves the plane]

Nostalgia Critic: Superman stops the plane from crashing, though, realistically, I think it would turn to dust, and he's even reunited with Lois.

Superman: I hope this experience hasn't put any of you off flying. Statistically speaking, it's still the safest way to travel.

Nostalgia Critic: Well, you've just become every airline's favorite movie. [A graph showing airline companies' falling stocks is shown]

Totally Spies! The Movie

Nostalgia Critic: People obsessed with looking good saying it doesn't matter how you look. Isn't that the exact definition of Instagram? Speaking of which, he says he's gonna make them ugly and launch them into space, but worse, he's gonna make them ugly! [Fabu pushes a button and then Sam's skin is pale green, Clover has a unibrow, and Alex has a spotted face. They all scream] Uh, have you ever met a high school boy? You're still bangable.

---

Clover: No probs! I hope you like extra foam. [holds up a grenade, actually full of pomade]

Nostalgia Critic: SHIT GOT REAL! [plays footage of a real explosion]

Mouse Hunt

[As the mouse traps go off and head toward them like a tidal wave, the brothers for some reason roll into the oncoming traps, getting covered in them]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Ernie] Oh, no! They're heading towards us! Let's roll into them!

---

Nostalgia Critic: Time for Walken's what-the-fuck line of the movie.

Caesar: What's that? Horse? FIENDISH! I won't eat it!

Nostalgia Critic: I'm going to repeat that because you deserve to know if he said what you think he said. [The scene replays at a slower pace] All I can say is Catch Me If You Can would be a very different movie if that was the opening speech.

The Hunchback of Notre Dame

[An audience boos at him]

Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it... [Gets annoyed at the booing] I like the damn movie!

[The audience cheers]

Man: Let's go watch something else now.

---

Nostalgia Critic: But the crowd turns on him...rather sporadically. I get the idea they're supposed to be drunk, but they're trying to combine the King of Fools celebration with where he's being whipped, both from the book, and it's two very opposite scenes shoved together. Did every crowd member bring rope in case this weird-ass moment would break out?

[The scene of the four Hobbits being bowed to by the people of Minas Tirith in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is shown]

Nostalgia Critic: It's like if in Return of the King, everybody bows, and then they're suddenly like...

Citizen: [voiced by Nostalgia Critic] Hey, they're short!

[Apples are thrown at the Hobbits]

---

Esmeralda: You sneaky son of a...

Phoebus: Uh uh uh. Watch it. You're in a church.

Nostalgia Critic: And a Disney film. [4 scenes showing the film's darkest moments are shown] We can let all this slide, but saying the B word is a Mickey no-no.

The Lion King

Nostalgia Critic: So... the next two scenes back-to-back are so funny, I actually bursted out laughing in the theater. The first is, rather than that epic toss sending Mufasa to his death, Scar oddly bitch-slaps him before letting go.

Scar: Long...live...the KING! [He slaps Mufasa in the face, causing him to fall]

Nostalgia Critic: How middle school is that? A chilling line like "Long live the king" shouldn't be said before that. It should be...

Nostalgia Critic: [as Scar] You're a dork. [the above scene replays] Susie likes me, not you. [the above scene replays] Hold on, you got something on your face. [the above scene replays] See you next fall! Oh, God, I'm funny!

The Animated Lord of the Rings

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I guess the idea of Sam was he was supposed to be the comedic levity the same way Merry and Pippin were in the Jackson film, but man, every time I see him, he gets worse.

Sam: Me go and see the elves? Oh, my... Oh, hooray!

---

[Frodo and Sam are rowing a boat in different directions]

Nostalgia Critic: I love how they're so deep in conservation, they're not aware that they're technically rowing in opposite directions. It'd be so funny if everyone got to the Black Gate in Return of the King, and it was like...

Aragorn: For Frodo.

[Cut to the animated film as Frodo and Sam row in different directions]

Nostalgia Critic: There'd be three more movies just wondering where the hell they are!

The Iron Giant

Nostalgia Critic: "Duck and Cover" is the funniest scene, but this is a close second.

Rogard: YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH HARDWARE I BROUGHT OUT HERE?! YOU JUST BLEW MILLIONS OF UNCLE SAM'S DOLLARS OUT OF YOUR BUTT!

---

Rogard: Where's the Giant, Mansley?!

[Mansley notices the Giant right behind him and realizes he just caused the missile to fire at the whole town]

Nostalgia Critic: Have I mentioned this was a great villain yet? He shouts the battle cry of...let's be honest, most politicians...

Mansley: Screw our country! I wanna live!

---

Iron Giant: [Making the choice to sacrifice himself] You stay. I go. No following.

[A clip of Skippy Squirrel from Animaniacs crying over Bumbie's mom is shown, with the caption "Actual footage of children watching movie"]

Mulan

Nostalgia Critic: Well, let's get down to business and take a look at Mulan. [Beat] Admit it, you're humming that song in your head right now.

---

Mushu: Chicken boy?! Say that to my face, you limp noodle!

[A radar satellite appears next to Nostalgia Critic as a shot of that scene passes by]

Nostalgia Critic: Let's see...nope. Went right under the radar.

The Witches

Nostalgia Critic: I love that the villain hates children so much, she literally can't say it without almost vomiting.

Ms. Ernst: You give money for the little... [gags in her mouth] children. We also give money for the little...

Nostalgia Critic: I hope to hate something that bad! [The poster for The Lion King (2019) is shown and he gags]

The Lion King II: Simba's Pride

Simba: Kiara, I don't want you talking with him. I want to talk with him. [smiles suggestively]

Nostalgia Critic: [singing suggestively while smooth music plays in the background] The lion sleeps tonight... Oh yeah...

The Muppet Christmas Carol

Nostalgia Critic: Actually, the puppeteers thought that, too. Director Brian Henson said before Jim Henson died, they were trying out new characters and this one [Bean Bunny] tested very strongly. It just so happened that the puppeteers hated him because he was too cute. This kind of pandering might have worked in Sesame Street, but this was The Muppets, goddammit! So, every chance they could put him in some form of misery, whether it's slamming the door in his face, throwing things at him, or letting him freeze in the cold, they worked it in. I'm not gonna lie, knowing that actually makes his scenes a lot more entertaining.

Deck the Halls

Tia: I just got so tired of dating boys. [to Carter] No offense.

Nostalgia Critic: [stunned] Duh?!

[Two sexy girls, Ashley and Emily, emerge]

Tia: These are my babies.

Nostalgia Critic: [stunned] Duh?!

Kelly: Hi, girls.

Emily: Hi.

Ashley: Hi.

[Carter stares openmouthed]

Nostalgia Critic: It's like they're trying to get the son scared straight and the daughter scared gay! What the hell is happening in this scene?!

Batman Returns

[After Penguin's dark death scene]

Nostalgia Critic: Merry- Oh, just pretend we're Nightmare Before Christmas!

Home Alone 4

Nostalgia Critic: Home Alone 4: Taking Back the House was the first Home Alone film to be released straight to television and DVD. They took away all the actors in the last movie, so I guess it figures to take away the actual theaters next. [An article shows Warner Bros.' plan to release 2021 movies to HBO Max and theaters at the same time] A plan Warner Bros. would soon cling to.