The Nostalgia Critic/Season 13
The Nostalgia Critic: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Quotes from the 13th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2020.
- Nostalgia Critic: Here, we got the tough life part down, but every scene, it looks like she's praying, nay, pleading for direction about what her character is supposed to be, as she's running out of ways of just being...nice!
- Mary Jane: Harry, relax. / You'll think I'm a stupid little girl with a crush. / I'd like a cheeseburger. / No, I guess not. / You are...amazing. / I'm in love with somebody else. / I want to...act.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Mary Jane] Somebody...please! There's only so long I can smile like a sitcom wife who's dead inside!
- Nostalgia Critic: It looks like the Goblin has kidnapped Mary Jane as well as a car full of kids. You can tell they were saving the really good effects for the climax here. [growls] Same year as GOLLUM!
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Peter] So now that you're engaged, I turned down your advances, and I treated you like shit, want to go out?
- Peter: Will you think about it?
- Mary Jane: Think about what?
- Peter: Picking up where we left off. Punch me, I bleed.
- Nostalgia Critic: He's giving you an open invitation to punch him! Don't miss this opportunity!
- Nostalgia Critic: It's great when your hero's action face constantly looks like he's trying to hold in a fart. [Peter's strained expression while rescuing the train is shown with the sound of flatulence added in] In a truly touching moment, all the people on the train agree they won't reveal his secret identity, even Big Pussy and Dan Castellaneta.
- [Scene is shown]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, great. Doesn't mean all the people who took pictures on their phones are gonna be that quiet. [shows a made-up Twitter update by Flash Thompson revealing Spider-Man's identity]
- Gwen: Pete, if you've got a picture of my kiss with Spider-Man... After all, who gets kissed by Spider-Man, right?
- Mary Jane: I can't imagine. [An image of fire is edited into MJ's eyes] I don't feel very well. I'm sorry, I have to go.
- Nostalgia Critic: MJ walks out, saying Peter just doesn't understand her, which [The shot of Gwen kissing Spider-Man is shown] I think is fair...
- [Spider-Man is brooding on the bell tower]
- Nostalgia Critic: Did you really think, when you saw this scene on the poster, this would be the scene that leads up to it? [shows the infamous dance scene; cut to a church] This guy knows how Christianity works.
- Eddie: I come before You today, to ask you for one thing: I want you to kill Peter Parker.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes, as Jesus said in the Bible, "Do unto others...you want me to kill a guy? I'll fucking kill a guy."
- Peter: Not my policy.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Peter] I missed the part where that's my policy... [groans] You see why you need to be your own thing? At least I'm sure they'll do something different with Uncle Ben... [he dies in a similar way to the Raimi version] Yeah, okay.
- Nostalgia Critic: The fight scene is fun and leads to one of my favorite Stan Lee cameos, as well as something I bet you never thought you'd see in a Spider-Man film up to this point: a girl do something!
- [Gwen attacks the Lizard]
- The Lizard: Gwen!
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on! Clearly, you should be falling off a building or hanging onto something. [that actually happens]
- Nostalgia Critic: The film also appears to be more colorful and lively compared to the last one, with a new good looking spider suit, plenty of bright imagery, and a pretty fun action sequence stopping the Rhino, played by a completely wasted Paul Giamatti... No, not just underutilized. [makes a drinking motion] I think he was legit wasted!
- Nostalgia Critic: We have Gwen Stacy, played again by Emma Stone, in a strange montage, giving a graduation speech about bad foreshadowing.
- Gwen: I know we all think that we're immortal. What makes life valuable is that it ends. So don't waste it living someone else's life.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Gwen] I guess what I'm saying is, that burial site over there looks really nice. Back to me being alive.
- Gwen: Cause even if we fall short...
- Nostalgia Critic: [The infamous death scene is shown] Hey, too soon.
- Gwen: ...what better way is there to live?
- Nostalgia Critic: The song is a little annoying, but I guess still upbeat, as a troll named Branch, voiced by Justin Timberlake, is concerned as he's always paranoid the Bergens are coming.
- Branch: The Bergens are coming! [He knocks over a table with the birthday cake on it and runs off screaming] The Bergens are coming! [He knocks over a table with the wedding cake on it and runs off screaming] The Bergens are coming! [At a funeral he knocks over a coffin containing a dead clown troll and runs off screaming]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, I know what should have been the poster!
- Poppy: Why won't you sing?!
- Branch: Because singing killed my grandma, okay?!
- Bart Simpson: I don't think any of us expected him to say that.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, okay, I'll bite. How was that sentence breathed into existence?
- Nostalgia Critic: In this film, he wants to propose to Anna... and we're good. The same way a great character like Buzz Lightyear was reduced down to one bad running joke in Toy Story 4, Kristoff is insultingly forced into this story the same way. He wants to propose, it backfires, and he tries again. He wants to propose, it backfires, he tries again.
- Nostalgia Critic: You know what? Fuck off, Disney! You can’t tap into something like this, make such bold claims, and then TOTALLY puss out in the end. At least the 80’s ballad went all the way. This is tackling something super adult, extremely complicated, CLEARLY outside your comfort zone, and then shrugging, "Ehh, we’re just a kid’s film! Just feel bad around Thanksgiving and you’ll have done your part." Bull! Fucking! Shit! Look… It’s fine if you wanna grow up your fairytales. But if you don’t support that growth, you’re not "breaking down barriers", you’re keeping people in those fairytales! I’m not gonna pretend I’d be 100% okay with these actions if they went all the way through but, if that’s the lesson you’re committing to, fucking commit to it! You don’t say "the boy cr[ied] wolf and then he saw something that looked like a wolf but it wasn’t, it was a rabbit". The wolf eats the sheep, and a lot is lost. And you’re pretending you’re saying something as profound, but by backing out of it, you’re not. It’s as bad as saying "characters that die can easily come back"-- why am I even humoring you with that possibility?
- Nostalgia Critic: So there's, surprisingly, a lot of straight-to-DVD sequels. Seven, to be exact. Which got me thinking, maybe it's like The Land Before Time movies, where people really liked the first one and the sequels tried to exploit it to dea– [The Rotten Tomatoes page for Alpha and Omega has 16%] Or maybe not.
- Nostalgia Critic: [on the film's supposed wolf fetish] Stop trying to make me into this! If this is your thing, fine, I don't care! You do you! But if this kind of stuff continues, [censor bars are put on the wolves] we're gonna have to censor bars on these characters!
- Snowbell: I hate to break this up, but...I need to go tinky!
- Nostalgia Critic: I don't know how much they paid Nathan Lane to say "I need to go tinky," but I already know it's either too much or not enough.
- [Lois tries to help the other passengers, but is flung violently against the walls and floor]
- Nostalgia Critic: Dead! Dead! Dead! Jesus, was Lois Supergirl this whole time and we never knew it? That'd be a fucking twist! Clark of course notices the plane and changes into Superman to save the day.
- Air Force guy: There's some kind of unidentified bogey on coming in from the north.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Air Force guy] It's a bird! It's a plane! Nah, it's Apache Chief. I always wondered when he was coming back. [The plane plummets toward baseball players who suddenly notice it; sarcastically] Don't know how we missed that!
- Nostalgia Critic: [as sportscaster] As you can see, they switched out the pitcher, the crowd is going wild, and we're all about to perish in flames. It was nice knowing you, Rick. I love you, Don.
- [Superman saves the plane]
- Nostalgia Critic: Superman stops the plane from crashing, though, realistically, I think it would turn to dust, and he's even reunited with Lois.
- Superman: I hope this experience hasn't put any of you off flying. Statistically speaking, it's still the safest way to travel.
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, you've just become every airline's favorite movie. [A graph showing airline companies' falling stocks is shown]
- Luthor: [high pitched as his henchmen beat up Superman] Kryptonite!
- Nostalgia Critic: How am I supposed to feel bad in any scene that has a delivery like that?
- Clover: "Vagilizer" is more like it.
- Nostalgia Critic: Maybe it's because they're trapped in giant vibrators, but we did all hear the same thing, right?
- Nostalgia Critic: People obsessed with looking good saying it doesn't matter how you look. Isn't that the exact definition of Instagram? Speaking of which, he says he's gonna make them ugly and launch them into space, but worse, he's gonna make them ugly! [Fabu pushes a button and then Sam's skin is pale green, Clover has a unibrow, and Alex has a spotted face. They all scream] Uh, have you ever met a high school boy? You're still bangable.
- [As the mouse traps go off and head toward them like a tidal wave, the brothers for some reason roll into the oncoming traps, getting covered in them]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Ernie] Oh, no! They're heading towards us! Let's roll into them!
- Nostalgia Critic: Time for Walken's what-the-fuck line of the movie.
- Caesar: What's that? Horse? FIENDISH! I won't eat it!
- Nostalgia Critic: I'm going to repeat that because you deserve to know if he said what you think he said. [The scene replays at a slower pace] All I can say is Catch Me If You Can would be a very different movie if that was the opening speech.
- [An audience boos at him]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it... [Gets annoyed at the booing] I like the damn movie!
- [The audience cheers]
- Man: Let's go watch something else now.
- Nostalgia Critic: But the crowd turns on him...rather sporadically. I get the idea they're supposed to be drunk, but they're trying to combine the King of Fools celebration with where he's being whipped, both from the book, and it's two very opposite scenes shoved together. Did every crowd member bring rope in case this weird-ass moment would break out?
- [The scene of the four Hobbits being bowed to by the people of Minas Tirith in The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King is shown]
- Nostalgia Critic: It's like if in Return of the King, everybody bows, and then they're suddenly like...
- Citizen: [voiced by Nostalgia Critic] Hey, they're short!
- [Apples are thrown at the Hobbits]
- Nostalgia Critic: All I gotta say is, my count for how many women left the room exploded when I merely mentioned this song. [sound of an explosion and women cheering; imitating a woman] Why haven't you burned down a city and risked going to hell for me?
- Nostalgia Critic: So... the next two scenes back-to-back are so funny, I actually bursted out laughing in the theater. The first is, rather than that epic toss sending Mufasa to his death, Scar oddly bitch-slaps him before letting go.
- Scar: Long...live...the KING! [He slaps Mufasa in the face, causing him to fall]
- Nostalgia Critic: How middle school is that? A chilling line like "Long live the king" shouldn't be said before that. It should be...
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Scar] You're a dork. [the above scene replays] Susie likes me, not you. [the above scene replays] Hold on, you got something on your face. [the above scene replays] See you next fall! Oh, God, I'm funny!
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I guess the idea of Sam was he was supposed to be the comedic levity the same way Merry and Pippin were in the Jackson film, but man, every time I see him, he gets worse.
- Sam: Me go and see the elves? Oh, my... Oh, hooray!
- [Frodo and Sam are rowing a boat in different directions]
- Nostalgia Critic: I love how they're so deep in conservation, they're not aware that they're technically rowing in opposite directions. It'd be so funny if everyone got to the Black Gate in Return of the King, and it was like...
- Aragorn: For Frodo.
- [Cut to the animated film as Frodo and Sam row in different directions]
- Nostalgia Critic: There'd be three more movies just wondering where the hell they are!
- Nostalgia Critic: But McDonald's performance elevates it to a whole new level of hilarity.
- Shooter: Good for Happy Gilmo- Oh my God!
- Mansley: Biggest thing here is probably the homecoming queen- [Sees his car has been eaten, causing him to jump] Oh my god!
- Rogard: Where's the Giant, Mansley?!
- [Mansley notices the Giant right behind him and realizes he just caused the missile to fire at the whole town]
- Nostalgia Critic: Have I mentioned this was a great villain yet? He shouts the battle cry of...let's be honest, most politicians...
- Mansley: Screw our country! I wanna live!
- Iron Giant: [Making the choice to sacrifice himself] You stay. I go. No following.
- [A clip of Skippy Squirrel from Animaniacs crying over Bumbie's mom is shown, with the caption "Actual footage of children watching movie"]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, let's get down to business and take a look at Mulan. [Beat] Admit it, you're humming that song in your head right now.
- Mushu: Chicken boy?! Say that to my face, you limp noodle!
- [A radar satellite appears next to Nostalgia Critic as a shot of that scene passes by]
- Nostalgia Critic: Let's see...nope. Went right under the radar.
- Nostalgia Critic: Mulan saves the day, but a battle wound causes her to pass out. The doctor takes a little too good a look.
- [Shang is shocked to see Mulan's body is a woman's]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Shang] I never thought I'd see the day when I was disappointed to see breasts.
- Witch: [attempting to murder a baby] Baby in a pram! Oh!
- Nostalgia Critic: [shrugs] Guess it is pretty funny.
- Simba: Kiara, I don't want you talking with him. I want to talk with him. [smiles suggestively]
- Nostalgia Critic: [singing suggestively while smooth music plays in the background] The lion sleeps tonight... Oh yeah...
- Emily Cratchit: [lower voice than usual] It does, doesn't it?
- Nostalgia Critic: [disturbed] Never do that again, Piggy.
- Tia: I just got so tired of dating boys. [to Carter] No offense.
- Nostalgia Critic: [stunned] Duh?!
- [Two sexy girls, Ashley and Emily, emerge]
- Tia: These are my babies.
- Nostalgia Critic: [stunned] Duh?!
- Kelly: Hi, girls.
- Emily: Hi.
- Ashley: Hi.
- [Carter stares openmouthed]
- Nostalgia Critic: It's like they're trying to get the son scared straight and the daughter scared gay! What the hell is happening in this scene?!
- Woman: He's like a frog that became a prince!
- Man: Nah, he's more like a penguin.
- Nostalgia Critic: I have no joke, I just love how stupid that line is.
- Marv: What do you think, Vera? We're just gonna go in there tomorrow and [makes gyrating motions] start grabbing kids? Ooh! Everybody get in the van!
- Nostalgia Critic: [disturbed] Did the writing always sound this eww-y, or is it just because French Stewart is saying it?