The Nostalgia Critic/Season 6
The Nostalgia Critic: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Quotes from the 6th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2013.
- Nostalgia Critic: How bad could something like this possibly be? Something so adorable and lovable and cute and absolutely charming— [The text "One Viewing Later" appears onscreen, followed by the Critic's return with his hands covered in blood] My apologies to the neighbor's cat. It's just after seeing a film that was so... cat-killingly bad, I had no choice but to destroy the nearest living creature. I mean wow. Wow! God Jesus WOW! HEAVEN ABOVE SHIT FUCK WOW! I mean this is HORRENDOUS! I mean I could rip into this shit so much that [thinks a moment] THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M GONNA DO! THIS IS THE ODD, MENTALLY DERANGED LIFE! Of Timothy Green. [Beat, looks at hands] I'm sorry Waffles [chorus singing waffles]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Timothy] Nobody touches the leaves, bitch!
- [Timothy kicks Joni in the face with a "POW!" sound effect added]
- Nostalgia Critic: You saw it right, folks. Sweet, innocent Timmy kicked the girl he has a crush on right dab in the schnauzer. Geesh, kid, when they said "fight your own battles," they didn't mean underwater flash kicks.
- [After Timothy's 'parents' admit they did mistakes, but they'd do BETTER mistakes, the Critic only facepalms in shame and tries to behave himself before he snaps]
- Nostalgia Critic: So, your argument is... You fucked up... You're glad you fucked up, and you'll continue to fuck up in new and spectacular ways... [Holds himself for some time – then explodes:] NO! [Crashes down a big 'NO' sign, pointing and screaming at it before it crashes back up] YOU MAKE MISTAKES SO YOU CAN LEARN FROM THEM, NOT SO YOU CAN MAKE *MORE* MISTAKES! ARE YOU FUCKING HIGH!? Sure, everybody messes up, it's gonna happen, but it happens so you can make up better and make the right choices! These two NEVER get better at what they did, if anything they just got worse and worse! Why? Because they never learn that you're supposed to... LEARN!
- Nostalgia Critic: The books, the movies, the all-around phenomenon, nothing generates more brainless love or cynical hate than "Twilight". But is it really worthy of as much cinematic disgust as it gets? OF COURSE IT IS! IT'S THE WORST CINEMATIC BURDEN NO ONE SHOULD EVER HAVE TO— [Quickly composes himself and resumes] What I'm getting at is people seem to regard this franchise about a drama-addicted twit torn between an emo-tastic vampire and an ice tray stomach werewolf as one of the worst in entertainment history, both cinematic and literary. And given the lineup of bad movies we've gotten over the years, is "Twilight" - for lack of a better term - deserving of that title? Well, let's get down to what people really hate about it: it messes with the classic lore, most famously vampires don't sparkle. People have made up their own rules about vampires before, but this one seems to be the most... not vampire. There's also plenty of plot holes and established story elements that never seem to truly add up, even within the silly additions they make to the supernatural rulebook. And while these additions are phenomenally stupid... I've seen "Garbage Pail Kids", so what else ya got?
- [With "Nearer, My God, to Thee" softly playing in the background]
- Nostalgia Critic: Years ago, a disaster fell upon this nation, a horrible tragedy that left good people and their families scarred for life. And while many weren't there to witness it, this attack on the public left several poor souls confused and afraid. And I think we can all agree it's a bombing we will never forget, and will hold deep within our heart—OK, you know the punchline: it's "Pearl Harbor" the movie, not the actual event. [Title screen] Some of you may find it kind of cold of me to make a joke around that, but if Michael Bay can make up insulting shit about Pearl Harbor then so can I!
- [As McCauley is being reprimanded for an idiotic stunt which nearly crashed his and another plane]
- Rafe McCauley: I was doing it to try and inspire the men, sir. In the way you've inspired me. I believe the French even have a word for that, when the men get together and honor their leaders, it's called an homage, sir!
- Col. Doolittle: A what!?
- Nostalgia Critic: [Mocking Doolittle] Don't throw your million-dollar words around me! What complicated French phrases are next!? Baguette!? Croissant!? Gérard Depardieu!?
- [In a callback to one of his oldest recurring jokes]
- Nostalgia Critic: But meanwhile, our Japanese enemies plot their surprise attack, led by God on high treasure to the entire world and whatever parts of the universe are left undiscovered... Mako.
- [On the Pearl Harbor attack itself]
- The Nostalgia Critic: But, I have to admit, the action for the most part is pretty well done. I mean, you can see what's going on, the act's intense, the effects are pretty impressive. But, even Bay couldn't let this pass without some bullshit moments! For example...
- [Freezes on a clip where a Marine in towel and holding a toothbrush is out in the open, amid the firefight.]
- Nostalgia Critic: Is this guy brushing his teeth!? Are you shitting me!? Buddy, fuck the plaque build-up! I really hope the military doesn't teach people that, when they hear explosions, run out into fire in A BATH TOWEL!
- [Cuts to the hospital attack scene.]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and how about this crap, where the planes are shown firing on civilians in a hospital, even though it was reported that the Japanese never fired on them!? Yeah, even they had a clear shot, they would not fire at the hospital! Fuck that shit, this is Michael Bay's history! This is Randall Wallace's writing! We have to put Kate Beckinsale in danger for those EVIL Japs! Who have to fire on hospitals and kill one of those giggling idiots that you BARELY knew! Oh, yeah, I'll miss whatever-the-hell-her-name-was! Oh, and listen to this!
- [Cuts to a sinking Battlecruiser, with sailors holding for their lives.]
- Sailor: I can't swim!
- The Nostalgia Critic: WAIT A FUCK! You're telling me... That a man, a soldier, a sailor... In the Navy... On a Battle Cruiser... CAN'T SWIM!? OK... OK, Michael Bay, OK, Michael "America, Fuck yeah!", Michael Bay, I'd do anything for fucking America, jerking off until it splooges everywhere- YOU ARE MAKING OUR MILITARY LOOK LIKE UNDISCIPLINED ASSES! I mean, let me get this straight: They take women up in their planes for joyrides, use cheat sheets to pass their eye exams - which still doesn't make any fucking sense, by the way! - pull off dangerous ego-stroking stunts and yet, somehow, it gets them promoted, continue to brush their teeth even when they're under attack- By the way he still has it! Look, he still fucking has it! "Don't go protect another soldier, or anything, you hold on to that toothbrush private!" And on top of that, you make the accusation that there are soldiers in the military who can't swim?!
- [Then, completely out of character, on this monologue]
- The Nostalgia Critic: You know... dick. Cause that's what you are, a fucking dick. When you show this image of the American flag destroyed, you're- not just showing your dollar store symbolism that says "ooh, America's hurt." But, it's very clear that what is important to you is not how you view America. What is important to you is how others see you viewing America. So, you can make up whatever you want. You can fabricate things, you can lie about history. You can exaggerate, you can glorify, you can demonize, you can distort the facts. You can make up the truth. Make up the truth about people who lost their lives in this great tragedy. Why? Because you're doing it in the name that you fucking love America! I'm sorry! I-I-I don't fuck around with this shit! I don't, okay? These are people who lost their lives, people who have been drafted, people who volunteered, people putting their asses on the line, and many of them don't come back! You're taking it upon yourself to show that! And, I-I know what you're thinking, yeah, you're thinking, "Well, I'll just make up people because they weren't really there so I can do whatever I want with them, I can make shit up." And granted, you don't deserve the responsibility to show real events. You don't live in the real world! But what happens is that when you take it and base it on a real event, you have to show these real people. You have to get it right, Michael Bay! You have to get it right! Because this isn't Transformers, okay? That's kid's shit, you can do whatever you want. It's not The Rock! It's not Sean Connery saying "winners fuck the prom queen!" No, it's fucking Pearl Harbor! Reality! It actually happened! And I know you're thinking, "Well it's Hollywood, we take liberties." Fuck you, it's not Hollywood! When you take it upon yourself to represent something that really happened and is still painful, and hurts a lot of people, that means you have to do two things. One, you have to grow up and be an adult! Two, you have to actually represent these people as best as humanly possible, YOU SON OF A BIIIIIIIIITCH! [long pause, before the Critic continues more calmly] I can't be the only one who sees this. And thank God I wasn't.
- Admiral Kimmel: You analysts got it all figured out, don't you? The smart enemy hits you exactly where you think you're safe.
- [Cut a shot of the Japanese plotting their attack, by putting toy battleships in a hot tub and placing them strategically]
- The Nostalgia Critic: Yes, the smart enemy plots in giant hot tubs with toy battleships that have no markings on them that would identify it as a map. Not, of course, forgetting [leans in close] RUBBER DUCKY GODZILLA!
- [Godzilla roars and then appears in the aforementioned hot tub]
- Various people in background: OOH, RUBBER DUCKY GODZILLA! RUBBER DUCKY GODZILLA! RUBBER DUCKY GODZILLA, AH!
Does Romeo and Juliet Suck?
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: So I think in the end, it is a love story, and a damn good one, too. It just may take looking at it from a more adult standpoint as opposed to a young standpoint in order to figure that out. So it's a very strong possibility that Shakespeare did know what he was doing, and was still the master that we always thought he was before, and not even all the Claire Danes, Leonardo DiCaprios or Baz Luhrmanns of the world could diminish it. Though granted, it was a pretty good try.
- [In response to his daughter's sudden bizarre fixation upon "My Little Pony", Satan gives his wife a call]
- Kim Kardashian: Hello, Kim Kardashian?
- Satan: What in the HELL have you done to our daughter?!
- Kim: Look, all I know is that all that TV you've been showing her has resulted in her spinning her head and puking Ecto Cooler.
- Satan: That's what she's supposed to do! She's the seed of EVIL!
- Kim: So I decided to show her some more age-appropriate programming, like "My Little Pony"...
- Satan: Ugh!
- Kim: "Care Bears"...
- Satan: UUGH!
- Kim: "Dora the Explorer"...
- Satan: UUUUGH!
- Kim: "Bratz"...
- Satan: [Pause] OK, that's not too bad—
- Kim: And "Thomas the Tank Engine".
- Satan: You WHORE of no virtue! One more outbreak like this and I'll take away your artificial husband.
- Kim: Actually, that's fine. I think the one you gave me is broken. [She looks at her phone, revealing a picture of Kanye West]
- Satan: Well, no matter. It'll take something much more potent to get our little girl back to normal.
- Kim: Like what?
- Satan: Oh, I created something long ago, a children's film so frightening and so disturbed that no child could watch it without being scarred for life. Bring me... "Son of the Mask"! [He smiles while dramatic music is played]
- Kim: I got rid of it.
- Satan: [His voice suddenly high-pitched] WHAT?!
- Kim: I thought it'd be too scary for her so I threw it into the human world.
- Satan: Cerberus' nine balls! You threw it into the human world?! Mankind is not ready for something so depraved. God help the poor soul who comes across that nightmare of sadism!
- Kim: Don't worry! I put it somewhere where nobody would look. [Cut to the Nostalgia Critic standing outside somewhere holding a DVD]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, if it's in a public garbage can, it must be worth reviewing. [Walks off]
- Nostalgia Critic: I'm sorry, I'm sorry to bother you but you're like the only good and decent person I know of to talk to! I think my DVD is possessed!
- Santa Christ: Ho ho ho, Critic, there are many bad DVDs in this world I can assure you, but it doesn't mean it is possessed!
- Nostalgia Critic: But you see, it's called Son of the Mask and I...
- Santa Christ: [gasps] Son of the Mask!?! [hangs up]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hello? Hello? Hello? [suddenly Santa throws his hand on the Critic's shoulder]
- Santa Christ: [spoofing LOTR quote] Is it secret? Is it safe?
What the F*** was Up with Where the Wild Things Are
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Question: what the fuck was up with "Where the Wild Things Are"? The children's book about a boy who makes believe he goes to an island of monsters is celebrated by kids and families everywhere. So when the film was coming out with its dark, gritty look and helmed by acclaimed director Spike Jonez, people got excited as hell. And after it finally premiered, what did the public think? [Cut to a clip from "Clone High"]
- Crowd: [Long, awkward pause] Huh.
- Nostalgia Critic: It wasn't hated, but it wasn't loved, either. People just didn't know what to think of it. My opinion, personally? Not only do I think it was an incredible movie, but I think it's one of the best films to come out of the past few decades. Why? Because I think it best understands more than any other film the dramatic and potent mindset of a child's psychology.
- Nostalgia Critic: Let's talk a little history. [People are overheard shouting in disapproval] SHUT UP! You gotta learn something! In 1862, Anna Leonowens was given the opportunity to teach the many wives and children of Mongkut, the King of Siam. She accepted, and later wrote a series of memoirs about her experience called "The English Governess at the Siamese Court." The memoirs were... controversial, to say the least, many saying she exaggerated or downright fabricated her influence on the King, and that she reduced a man who was a Buddhist monk for 27 years into a cruel, extreme, even violent monarch. Years later, Margaret Landon wrote a fictionalized or... even more fictionalized version called "Anna and the King of Siam", again reinforcing Anna as the revolutionary and Mongkut as the harsh, eccentric ruler. Thailand finally said "HEY!" [Switches to a deeper voice for the next sentences] We've had it up to here with your bullshit! We're going to write our own version for English readers which will later become "Mongkut: The King of Siam," and our writings will be placed in the Library of Congress for all you readers to see the truth. Maybe then, America will know the true history of our beloved King— [Cut to an image from the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical film] GOD DAMN IT!"
- The Grinch Narrator: [voiced by Nostalgia Critic, singing to the tune of "You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch"] You're a mean one, Kralahome. You have rats in your shadow. You dance as horribly as a drunk Ricky Ricardo, Kralahoooo-ome. [speaking] Thank God the person this is based on is dead and he has no estate to sue you, because if they could... [singing] They probably would!
- Russell Crowe: I can't whistle.
- Paul: Cut! Cut recording. Russell, what seems to be the problem?
- Russell Crowe: I can't whistle, Paul.
- Paul: Ah, that's okay, we'll just dub over in post.
- Russell Crowe: [threatening] No-one dubs over me, Paul. We'll just rewrite the music so I can sing it easier.
- Paul: I think that might be a little disrespectful to the original material.
- Russell Crowe: Nonsense. Perhaps you didn't hear my incredible performance in Les Misera-bles.
- Paul: I...did, that's why I was a little concerned...
- Russell Crowe: All the critics praised me. They said they'd never heard anything like it. If Anne Hathaway didn't get the Academy Award, I'd be the one who won that Best Supporting Actress. Now rewrite the music before I punch you. Violently.
- King: Who, who, who?
- Nostalgia Critic: What?
- King: Who, who, who?
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, your Daffy Duck impersonation's really gonna need some work.
- [In response to the film's decidedly kid-friendly ending]
- Nostalgia Critic: You could make the argument that this is totally spitting in the face of history, but the other versions seemed to do that already. This is more a scrotum shaving of history: painful, insulting and not nearly short enough.
What's with the Princess Hate?
[edit]- [On the tendency of early Disney princesses to be passive and submissive]
- Nostalgia Critic: We mentioned Sleeping Beauty before, but Cinderella is often the biggest offender to the "sit back, do nothing and let someone else save the day" routine. Again, to her defense, she's workin' her ass off! I mean, like every second she's onscreen she's doing something, and in the end, she's rewarded for her hard work and kindness, even in the face of such nastiness. And if your argument is this is still not a good role model, that it won't inspire people to go out there and achieve, guess whose favorite fairy tale this was? [A "Ding!" sound is heard, accompanied by a picture of Walt Disney] Yup, the D-Man himself who supposedly started this whole controversy, Disney. He said Cinderella was his favorite because he often felt like her: working as hard as he could every day until destiny finally gave him a chance, and that hard work and kindness can result in a virtuous reward. But what does that arguably greatest businessman, creative genius and heart-warming icon know? Pfft! Slacker!
- [In response to a character's assertion that her theory of catwomen was rejected because of "male academia"]
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, look, lady... um, I'm not gonna act like there isn't some double standard bullshit going on in the world. Uh, women getting paid less than men? That's bullshit. Uh, men sleeping around with women being called a player, but a woman sleeps around with men, she's called a slut? That's bullshit. But when you go around with your "theories" that there are in fact "catwomen" who exist today, and have existed years in the past because the spirits of the Egyptian gods are in these little tiny felines going around who breathe on dead women, bringing them back to life - a sort of "catwoman zombie," if you will - who now exist and fight crime even to this day... why do you think nobody believed you again?
- Ophelia: Male academia.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Makes a buzzer sound] WRONG! IT'S 'CAUSE YOU'RE FUCKING CRAZY! [Hits his table like a cash register, causing a "FUCKING CRAZY!" sign to pop up in front of him] "Male academia"! Suck my sexist, women-bashing, chauvinistic, stripper-watching, porn-loving, overly paid dick! If this movie's all "women are power," how come in the next scene she's dressed like a poster a 13-year-old boy would hang over his bed and jerk off to?!
- Voiceover: [when the Catwomen leave the counselor to be eaten by a tiger] How will the counselor get out of this one? Will he be the main course for our ferocious feline? Will he be ripped to shreds and left for tiger chow? [counselor is shown just sitting up and walking away throwing his ropes aside] Will his body be gnawed until the gnawer can gnaw no more? Will he be next week's kitty litter? Will tiger digestion be his new iPod playlist? Will he have to spend the rest of his life as a kitty kebab? [he is now driving to a Subway snack bar] Can the counsellor stand being part of a g-g-g-r-reat balanced breakfast? Is there any escape from his delicious decadent doom? TUNE IN TOMORROW! Same Bat time, same... Bat... site!
- How to Train Your Catwoman manual by Michael Gough: Try playing to the Catwoman's duality, it often wins them critical praise./A Catwoman can never resist a romantic dance sequence./If you are confronted by Halle Berry you are doomed for she clearly has no idea of what makes a good Catwoman.
- [A meeting of Catwomen Anonymous is in session, with the various actresses who had played Catwoman in the past in attendance]
- Counselor: Okay, I think we've made some progress today. I think that Miss Hathaway, talking about the benefits of winning her Oscar, shows us all how we can move on from not starring in our own Catwoman movie.
- Michelle Pfeiffer: Oh, please.
- Counselor: Miss Pfeiffer disagrees?
- Michelle Pfeiffer: Yes, Miss Pfeiffer disagrees. They talked about making a Catwoman movie for years, and I was supposed to play the part. But they waited too long and the fanbase died down, resulting in that abomination with Halle Berry.
- Anne Hathaway: Shh, shh, shh! You know we never mention She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Mentioned.
- Michelle Pfeiffer: But aren't you technically mentioning her?
- Sean Young: It doesn't matter. Pfeiffer's role should have been my role to begin with!
- Counselor: Yes, Sean Young. We all remember how you ambushed Tim Burton dressed as Catwoman in order to force him to put you in the role. [Glances toward camera] That's not comedic writing. She really did that, folks.
- Sean Young: Doesn't matter! Berry stole the role from all of us and she ruined it!
- Michelle Pfeiffer: Yes, it was the first time that Catwoman had been given the leading role, and she botched it up forever!
- Anne Hathaway: Yes, and she has never paid for her actions.
- Counselor: Now, now, ladies, let's stay focused, okay? Eartha Kitt, I believe last week you were discussing how you felt like a Catman trapped in a Catwoman's body.
- Eartha Kitt: No! I agree with them! We should keep our focus on the pussy bitch who stole all our chances to shine! If it wasn't for her, one of us could be the definitive Catwoman!
- Sean Young: ...Aren't you dead?
- Michelle Pfeiffer: [Stands up] Kitt-kat is right! It's time for retaliation. We can't just sit here all day and listen to this halfwit psychic analysis!
- Counselor: Psycho.
- Michelle Pfeiffer: ...What did you call me?
- Anne Hathaway: The counselor's name-calling?! This group is falling apart!
- Sean Young: [Stands up] We need to take action!
- Anne Hathaway: [Stands up] We will get a leading role!
- Eartha Kitt: [Stands up] Purring Rs, unite!
- Catwomen: Purrrrr!
- Counselor: Now, ladies, ladies! This is getting out of hand. Now the Catwoman movie is so despised that no one would ever write that character in a leading role. Okay? I doubt you could even get the lead in a Catwoman review.
- Eartha Kitt: The what?
- Counselor: The Catwomen review, the one coming out this week.
- Michelle Pfeiffer: By who?
- [The Catwomen lean in towards the counselor menacingly, as the title sequence for "The Nostalgia Critic" begins]
- [The Critic's phone rings and he answers it]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hello?
- Michelle Pfeiffer: Hello, Critic. We're just giving you a fair warning that you better watch your back and keep an eye out around every corner, because a fearsome band of sharp-toothed panthers are on the prowl. [Hangs up]
- Nostalgia Critic: [Putting phone down] Okay, guess I'm not gonna throw caution to the wind here. [Hears a knock at his door] Who could that be?
- [The Critic opens the door, revealing the Catwomen standing on his doorstep]
- Anne Hathaway: He opened it! I can't believe he just opened it!
- [The next thing he knows, the Critic gets punched in the face by Michelle so hard, he falls to the floor, while the Catwomen come in]
- Michelle Pfeiffer: Cat's out of the bag, Critic.
- Sean Young: We need a role we can sink our teeth into.
- Anne Hathaway: And you have the purr-fect part.
- Eartha Kitt: Cat-related pun.
- Nostalgia Critic: What the hell's going on here?! What do you want?!
- Sean Young: We're here to star in your Catwoman review.
- Michelle Pfeiffer: So we can show up that cow-horse Halle Berry.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Getting to his feet again] Forget it! You're not stealing this review from me!
- Anne Hathaway: Very well, you've forced us to take action.
- Eartha Kitt: Get ready to be declawed.
- [The Catwomen advance toward him, only to stumble and fall on the carpet in their high heels]
- Nostalgia Critic: Aha! You've fallen for the Catwoman's greatest weakness: fetish fuel!
- [The Catwomen take off their shoes and aim the heels at the Critic]
- Anne Hathaway: C'mon, ladies! Let's finally put these things to good use.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on! What're you gonna do with those pointless things?
- [Suddenly the shoes cock like guns and they shoot at the Critic, who makes an escape toward the basement]
- [Catwoman is seen ordering a drink at a bar]
- Catwoman: White Russian, no ice, hold the vodka and Kahlua. [in other words, just plain cream/milk]
- Nostalgia Critic: ...I'M A CAT.
Farewell to Roger Ebert
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: This really was a rare person who changed more than even I think he's aware of, and it really really breaks my heart that he's gone. But what I do know is that what he has left us is a great education about movies - about understanding movies, about the passion of loving movies - and that's a greater education that I know I couldn't teach, I know so many other critics couldn't teach. But he found a way and he did it so unbelievably well and I can say very honestly so many people got it, we heard it and we loved it and we loved you, Roger Ebert. I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and you will always be remembered.
The Looney Tunes Show - Good or Bad?
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: I guess another reason it works for me is because I believe that, while truly great characters don't change over time, environments do, and if Looney Tunes still wants to speak to both an adult and a kid audience, the characters can stay the same, but it has to evolve with the rest of the world. Changes have to be made, and I think many of us know how most people react to change nowadays... [Cut to a clip of Doug throwing a tantrum on his back in another room]
- Doug: I DON'T WANT CHANGE! I DON'T WANT CHANGE! EVERYTHING HAS TO STAY THE SAME!
- [After opening finishes]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it-
- Evilina: [singing while waving Princess Celestia doll] My Little Pony! I used to wonder what friendship could be. My Little-
- Nostalgia Critic: [rips doll from her hands, throws it on the ground, and shoots it] We're not gonna turn this video into another Brony message board. Now SIT DOWN!
- [Evilina pouts and crosses her arms]
- Nostalgia Critic: If you haven't noticed, I've been roped into babysitting this weekend all because I owe a certain someone a certain favour. [phones somebody] Hey, Mr 'Zebub, you almost done?
- [We see Satan (as portrayed by Malcolm Ray) in Hell on his phone]
- Satan: Almost. I'm finalizing up the plans for my next movie deal. [triumphant smirk - holding a binder with what is supposedly movie art for "Planes"]
- [Back to the Critic as he hangs up]
- The Nostalgia Critic: This is what I get for trading my soul for a good Zod impression. [Evilina smiles unnervingly at him] So, what do kids normally do? They make tofu or something?
- Evilina: Well, you could read me a story.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, OK. [gets out a Dr. Suess anthology] OK, this one's a classic. [reads]
- We looked, and we saw him step in on the mat,
- We looked, and we saw him: the Cat in the Hat.
- Evilina: Wait. Why does he look like a cat?
- Nostalgia Critic: [confused] Because he's a cat.
- Evilina: No, that's not what he looks like. He supposed to be scary and weird and constantly out of breath.
- Nostalgia Critic: What?!
- Evilina: And why is it all in rhyme?
- Nostalgia Critic: Because it's Dr. Suess. Everything he does is in rhyme.
- Evilina: No, he's only supposed to rhyme once in a while. And where's all the subplots? And in-jokes? And advertisements? And forced morals? And penis innuendos?
- Nostalgia Critic: What the fuck are you talking about?
- [Evilina brings out the DVD of "The Cat in the Hat" movie]
- Evilina: This!
- [She puts the DVD into a PS3. Movie scenes start playing and the Critic only gets disgusted, what with the forced adult humor, pop culture references and even a Paris Hilton cameo.]
- Nostalgia Critic: This isn't Dr. Suess! It's not even close! It's evil corporate pandering, with freaky imagery that's promoting everything that's wrong with humanity. This was next to "Son of the Mask", wasn't it?
- Evilina: Yeah.
- [At the first appearance of the titular Cat]
- Evilina: Mr. Critic? Is that what happens when Pepé Le Pew makes whoopee with Ronald McDonald?
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes. Yes it is.
- Evilina: I'm afraid.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Whispering] We all are.
- [In the movie, the Cat looks at a picture of the kids' mother; his mouth opens in surprise and his hat springs up straight]
- Nostalgia Critic: Really, Soulless? A dick innuendo joke?
- Peter Soulless: Well, that was just to throw in a little dirty humor for the adults.
- Nostalgia Critic: Why do you need to insert dirty humor into a Dr. Seuss film?
- Peter Soulless: Well, if you want the answer, and I know that you do, here's Analyst 1 and Analyst 2!
- [A pair of analysts in business suits appear in the room]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, how come you keep going in and out of rhyming? It's pretty inconsistent.
- Analyst 2: Well, it's a lazy way of connecting to the source material. [Soulless clears his throat loudly] Oh! Oh, I mean, artistically, it seemed to make the most sense.
- [Various charts and graphs are shown on the TV screen]
- Analyst 1: You see, Critic,
- According to polls, or so we've been told,
- When kids hear adult jokes, it makes them feel old.
- They feel more grown up to be in on the gag.
- Once seen in the trailer, it's cash in the bag.
- Analyst 2:
- The same goes for butt jokes and modern slang, too.
- It makes the crowd think we're on the same level as you.
- We talk the same lingo and reference pop culture.
- Analyst 1:
- Yes, focus groups make us more profitable vultures.
- Nostalgia Critic: But Seuss got popular because he wrote what he wanted to see, not what focus groups wanted to see. Have you ever considered the possibility that maybe people don't know what's best for them, and by continually giving them the same crap they'll never know what's different so they'll keep asking for the same crap?
- Analyst 1: Well, the chart says–
- Nostalgia Critic: I'm not asking the charts, I'm asking you!
- Analyst 1: Well, the chart says–
- Nostalgia Critic: You're everything that's wrong with entertainment!
- Analyst 1: ...But the chart says–
- [The Critic takes the TV remote and turns off the TV, removing the charts from display; the Analysts freak out at what just happened]
- Analyst 1: Come back! This can't be happening! There's no focus groups! No numbers! The only thing a corporate tool can do when he doesn't have a boss! [takes a gun and puts it to his head] And that's...
- [Analyst 1 fires the gun, killing himself. Analyst 2 takes the gun and puts it to his head, too]
- Analyst 2: I'm coming with you! [fires the gun, kills himself]
- Evilina: [giggling] That was funny!
- [The TV turns on again, revealing Peter Soulless again, looking quite paranoid]
- Peter Soulless: Who turned off the charts?! Did you turn off the charts?! I didn't turn off the charts!
- [In response to a musical number from the Cat]
- Nostalgia Critic: No, I got it! I know what this is! This is one of those fake trailers before Tropic Thunder. The one that looks real but is so goddamn stupid it couldn't possibly exist, except this one actually exists, and you should cry because of it.
- [In response to the Cat snapping his fingers twice and doing a head roll]
- Nostalgia Critic: You know... whenever I have too much hope... I'll just remember to play that scene to remind me that all is lost. [clip plays again, whispers] All is lost.
- [After Nostalgia Critic and Evilina scream in horror upon seeing Thing 1 and Thing 2]
- Nostalgia Critic: WHEN DID MARGE SIMPSON MUTATE WITH ALFRED E. NEWMAN?!?! THOSE ARE HIDEOUS!
- Peter Soulless: What? They look just like the Dr. Seuss book.
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay, first of all, when did you start following anything from the Dr. Seuss book? Second, what makes something cute in a drawing doesn't necessarily make it cute in real life. In drawing, you can get away with leaving certain things out, like upper lips, per se. They would look like wrinkles if you put them in a drawing. But in real life, it looks FUCKING SCARY. The reason that Cindy Lou was the only cute character in The Grinch was because she was the only one allowed to have an upper lip; everyone else looks like a demon-possessed Hungry Hungry Hippo! And these two (Thing 1 and Thing 2) look like the Shining girls if Bozo the Clown gave them Yeager bombs!
- [After a particularly confusing, nonsensical joke, the Critic leaves to go stand on a hilltop and watch a sunrise]
- Nostalgia Critic: [Answering his phone] Hello?
- Evilina: Hello Critic? Are you coming back?
- Nostalgia Critic: [Sighs] I don't know, child, it's just... that last scene. What can somebody say to that?
- Evilina: I dunno.
- Nostalgia Critic: I mean, does it make any sense at all? Cat gets hit in the balls, he's in a dress... and on a swing...
- Evilina: With a unicorn.
- Nostalgia Critic: I have nothing for it, I have no jokes at all. Have I lost my mind, Evilina? Could it be that I've lost my touch in making fun of scenes like this? Could it be that "The Cat in the Hat" has broken me?
- Evilina: I dunno, but my dad will kill you if he knows you left me alone instead of babysitting.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, I guess you're right. I'll be back soon. [Evilina hangs up, the Critic leaves the hill and walks back home to sit down with her, claps her on the shoulder, and sighs reluctantly]
- Nostalgia Critic: So after that scene...
- Nostalgia Critic: They discover that the cat's magic box has been left open is spreading chaos everywhere, but let's be really honest, it's just trying to look like one of the Seuss attractions at Universal Studios. Don't believe me? They literally say it.
- Conrad: THIS IS AMAZING! IT'S LIKE A RIDE AT AN AMUSEMENT PARK!
- Cat: You mean like at [frame freezes] Universal Studios! [laughs] Cha-ching!
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes, you just saw that. He literally, directly advertised to you, Universal Studios. I don't think the entire running time of The Wizard is as big a sell-out as that mere couple of seconds of Mike Myers winking! In fact, I think every Dr. Seuss movie can be summed up in that one gesture! Painfully obvious references?
- Cat: Cha-ching!
- Nostalgia Critic: Totally unneeded adult jokes?
- Cat: Cha-ching!
- Nostalgia Critic: Appealing desperately to the lowest common denominator the same way Michael Bay does to penises and Stephanie Meyer appeals to vaginas?
- Cat: Cha-ching-cha-ching-cha-ching!
- Nostalgia Critic: In fact, why don't we just make this the new Dr. Seuss Logo?!
- [The Cat in the Hat Classic Logo is shown]
- Nostalgia Critic: Dr. Suess...
- [A picture of Lickboot's face appears in the center of the logo]
- Lickboot: We've GOT to have...MONEYYY!
- [Mike Meyer's Cat pops in the logo]
- Cat: Cha-ching!
- [After the kids throw the Cat out after wrecking their house]
- Nostalgia Critic: But, if you know the story - oh, let's face it, doesn't matter if you do, they followed it so *rarely* - the Cat comes in and fixes everything. And it wouldn't be a shitty Dr. Seuss movie if it didn't have a shitty pop song for the soundtrack. And you're not gonna believe it, but they literally reference that selling point too!
- Cat: We even managed to work out an up tempo pop tune for the soundtrack, that's important.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Upset] Oh, for God's sake, Soulless! Why you're being so obvious in how evil you are!?
- Peter Soulless: Well, it's Hip Writing Fact #1 - "If you say you're doing something painful and stupid, it's immediately no longer painful and stupid."
- Evilina: [Amazed] Oh, I see! Critic, I'm gonna hit you! [She slaps him in the face]
- Nostalgia Critic: OW!
- Evilina: You can't scream, it's no longer painful and stupid.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeeess, it is! [hits Evilina on the back of her head] THIS WHOLE MOVIE IS! [Evilina starts crying] SHUT UP! [she stops immedieately] Even with it's dumbass ending of Mom happily returning, Baldwin being dumped and the party going great!
- Peter Soulless: [Shamelessly cheerful] But, by having grown-up humor, we make it more adult. By modernizing the dialogue, we make it more timeless, and by changing the source material, we show how much we want to make it even better!
- Nostalgia Critic: [Pointing at him] No! Every single thing you said, you got it backwards! By having grown-up humor, you make it more childish. By 'modernizing' the dialog, you make it more dated, and by changing the source material, you show how much you *don't* respect what's already perfect. I'm not gonna act like everything Seuss wrote was a masterpiece, but when he got it right, he got it right. They don't *need* to be updated, don't need to be fixed, they don't even need to have movies made about them. But if you're GOING to do it, the very least you can do is understand the source material!
- Peter Soulless: Well, of course I understand the source material! They're just simple kids books!
- [The Critic stands up, very offended]
- Nostalgia Critic: No, they're not just simple kids books. They're stories that we are continuing to read even today. They're stories that we remember years later, even when other stories fade from our memory. They're stories that we'll never forget, and for good reason! They're stories that helped to shape our childhoods, through well thought-out writing, imaginative drawings and endearing morals. And the idea of this shaping somebody's childhood, the fact that it even has the same name... just makes me sick to my stomach! Maybe these "simple kids books" are far more adult than you give them credit for! And I guarantee that'll show, when years later, both children and adults will still be reading these "simple kids books" while pandering bullshit like this disappears out of people's consciousness; also for good reason! Good art doesn't come from focus groups and statistics! It comes from people who share how they see things in their own unique way!
- Evilina: Critic? I think I like your book better than I like the movie.
- Nostalgia Critic: So do I, kiddo. So do I.
- Peter Soulless: No! No, you're wrong! YOU'RE ALL WRONG! I'm gonna show you ALL the Seuss movies until you appreciate them!
- [Lightning cracks, drawing the Critic and Evilina together]
- Peter Soulless: The Grinch with dog butt kissing!
- Nostalgia Critic: No!
- Peter Soulless: Horton Hears a Who with Anime references!
- Nostalgia Critic: NO!
- Peter Soulless: THE LORAX WITH TAYLOR SWIFT AND ZAC EFRON!
- [Souless laughs maniacally as the Critic and Evilina scream and shudder.]
- Satan: Did somebody miss her daddy?
- [The Critic and Evilina turn to see that Satan has arrived to pick up his daughter.]
- Satan: How's my little... [spots Soulless on the TV screen] Hey. I know you. You're that executive that sold his soul to make those horrible Dr. Seuss movies.
- Nostalgia Critic: What?
- Satan: Oh, yeah. I rigged it so that each of them would be a hit. No person in their logical mind would willingly go see that shit.
- Evilina: [to the viewer] That almost rhymes.
- Peter Soulless: It's not true. It's simply not true!
- Satan: And now it's time to return the favor. [snaps his fingers; Soulless disappears screaming in a ball of flame.]
- [As the Devil and Evilina leave the Critic's living room]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, maybe there's some hope after all. I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it...
- Peter Soulless: [offscreen] HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT FORK?! [screams as he is getting stabbed]
- Nostalgia Critic: ...while others would like to forget.
Top 11 South Park Episodes
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: [carefully and deliberately while being scrutinized by fans on laptops] So I haven't done a Top 11 list in a while... And so I thought I would do....my Top 11 Favorite South Park Episodes.
- Fans: [rant incoherently]
- Nostalgia Critic: Shut up! SHUT UP! I'm just gonna tell you right now, straight-forward, there is a very strong chance that I will not have your favorite South Park episodes on this list! And you know what? Who can blame me? It's fucking South Park!
- [On an episode which actually parodies the TMZ TV show]
- Nostalgia Critic: Y'know, the worst that humanity has ever put on? In the history of the human race? So terrible that I hate getting a clip to show you because I feel like getting a footage is like giving them a fraction of support and that makes me feel like the devil? That fucking bad? And you people still watch them like they're saying something important when all they're doing is praying somebody will blow their brains out to preserve whatever measly shreds of journalistic decency they have left?
- Dude Lebowski: Jesus...
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, you know where I'm going all along with- FUCK THIS SHOW!
- [A maelstrom of images follow in quick succession as the title card and the Critic say at the same time]
- Title Card: FUCK THIS SHOW! STOP IT, YOU FUCKING IDIOTS! You CAN'T be this big of a Loser! You just CAN'T! Seriously? I mean... SERIOUSLY? Give humanity some hope! Live your life! Do something outside! Kim Kardashian's Shoes!? Who gives a dick!? They are the Devil's Anal Warts! Just stop! JUST STOP! FUCK THIS SHOW!
- Nostalgia Critic: If you're actually dumb enough to watch past the first two seconds without realizing it's sucking whatever intelligence you have, then you deserve your purgatory of rubbing tabloids on your genitalia thinking you're getting laid and claiming to others that you know how the world works when, really, you're just crying your virgin ass to sleep every night while eating your burrito and Captain Crunch's sandwiches! No, seriously, you stab God every time you see the show! You rape a kitten every time you don't turn the channel! FUCK THIS SHOW- [Cuts back to him, back to normal] Not a fan.
- Nostalgia Critic: It's not the funniest episode. It's not the smartest episode. It's not even the best written episode. But it came at a time when America needed South Park. It had been 3 months since the previous South Park episode and in that time, not only did 9/11 happen, but a series of anthrax attacks that was being sent through the mail was putting the country in a state of absolute fear. Security tightened everywhere, our country was on the brink of war, America was changed forever. Nobody knew how or what to feel. So when the news that South Park was going to return to TV was announced, a lot of people were wondering 'what are they gonna do?' What could they do? Would it be a touching episode? An in-depth episode? What side would they pick? What issues were they going to tackle? What the hell was South Park going to do? Literally, the first frame set the mood.....
- [the boys are at the bus stop wearing gas masks]
- Kyle: Remember when life used to be simple and cool?
- Cartman: Not really.
- Nostalgia Critic: This is what we needed. We needed a good laugh at the whole thing and we needed it to be done by South Park.
Is Parody Dead?
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: Well, I guess since last weekend, we all know what the next blockbuster to be this year is: That's right, Scary Movie V, the fifth and the record-breaking saga that seems to bring in less and less money every single time one's released! Wait a minute, how can that be when other spoof movies have been doing so well, like Haunted House, and Vampires Suck, and Stan Helsing and- [In utter disbelief] My god, what the hell happened!? What the hell happened to good spoof movies!?
- [On the tendencies of many of the Friedberg/Seltzer parody films]
- Nostalgia Critic: The need for their movie to put in references to other movies got so bad that they didn't even need to have anything in common with it. I shit you not: "Meet the Spartans" combines "300" and "Meet the Parents". What the fuck do those two things have in common?! Again, the zeitgeist must flow! Now there's nothing wrong with cashing in on the zeitgeist every once in a while, but when you make it your main focus and try to work it in to every single solitary thing you create, you get... [The logo for the the "TMZ" TV show is shown, to which the Critic silently flips off his camera]
- Nostalgia Critic: [singing along to the film's soundtrack] Good luck getting
- This theme song out of your head!
- It will be in your brain for weeks
- Or 'til you're dead!
- Nostalgia Critic: [about Jeff Goldblum] But its alright. To account for that, they make the characters' motivations and identities disgustingly simple, even down to dressing them in Care Bear colours. Which one is Grant? He's the one in blue. Which one is Hammond? Oh, he's the one in white. Which is the a-hole who everyone will love until they realize he's always going to do that one note for the rest of his life so they'll have to dig their brains out with a fork because he's so goddamn irritating?
- [Goldblum laughs]
- Nostalgia Critic: ...That's the darkly-dressed evil one known as Jeff Goldblum! [close-up of his mouth] SHOOT HIM! [Goldblum laughs] SHOOT HIM...! SHOOT HIM...! [A gun is shot at Goldblum but the bullets bounce off his laughing face] Yea... Goldblum, or, the Wizard of "Uh"s, as I like to call him, wasn't a complete unknown before this flick, but he became a household name after this flick and people fell in love with his performance. And at the time, it was kind of charming. People had never seen this kind of performance in a blockbuster film before.
- Ian Malcolm: We're going to conduct an experiment, we, should uh, be still, but, uh, that's OK, cos, uh, the car's moving up and down.
- The Nostalgia Critic: But once we discovered that he fell in love with his performance even more than we fell in love with his performance to a point where he never wanted to leave his performance, we do end up asking ourselves how the fuck did we ever like this performance to begin with!?!
- [Clip of Goldblum speaking in "uh"s, then cutting to him laughing]
- Nostalgia Critic: Heh heh heh... SHUT UP!
- [The editorial begins with the Critic staring up at its title]
- Nostalgia Critic: Really? That's the title we're going with? [Beat] I already have enough erotic fan fiction questioning my sexuality - I don't need to give 'em any more fuel!
- Nostalgia Critic: But absolute power and evil can lead to absolute boredom and become way too one-note. That is, unless there's something there to balance it out. This brings us to our next commonly seen attraction to this character [A "Ding!" sound is heard as the following word appears onscreen]: the Whoobie. What's that? You don't know what a whoobie is? Oh come on, you noob! Come on, everybody knows what a whoobie is! Are you really so young to the Internet? Ha ha, I'm just gonna [He grabs a laptop from off-screen] type that in right now to confirm to you what it is word for word just so you can know specifically what it is... to confirm how stupid you are... [Stops typing] Ah! Here we go: a whoobie obviously is "a type of character who makes you feel extremely sorry for them." So there ya go! [Looks back at the screen] Hey, how come I'm in that trope...?
- [The movie has seemingly come to its conclusion. Nostalgia Critic opens a bottle of Advil and takes some with a drink of water. Then, he pauses.]
- Nostalgia Critic: ... Two thousand years later...
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, yeah. Don't act like you don't know what happens. Even people who haven't seen the movie know about the infamously horrible continuation of a story that everyone in the world said should not continue. It would have been fine if they just left him in front of the Blue Fairy. Everyone would have said "Yeah, it had problems. But you know what? It could have been worse". Well, this is the "worse" they're talking about. And it's not just the fact that it continues when it shouldn't, it's the fact that it gives the lamest, the schmaltziest, preschool-friendly middle finger to anyone who may have possibly liked this movie even a little. You all know what it is, but just for the hell of it, let's go over it.
- [The first moments of the conclusion are summarized.]
- Nostalgia Critic: Now, if you still somehow manage to stay in your seat after this information was made aware to you, I urge you not to turn around, because you'll probably notice rows and rows of empty seats. And threatening letters written in nosebleed blood, as that's the only thing that could serve as ink at the time.
- [More of the conclusion is summarized.]
- Nostalgia Critic: [growing agitated] If you still manage to stay in your seats after this information was made aware to you, I urge you again, please don't turn around because chances are, you'll be seeing the hanging dead corpses of the film custodians. The owner of the theater. Hell, maybe even the people who made the popcorn. I don't know, just whoever they could find.
- [Still more of the conclusion is summarized.]
- Nostalgia Critic: [now almost out of his mind] If you still manage to stay in your seats after this information was made aware to you, I desperately urge you, do not turn around and look behind you, because chances are your theater is on fire. I don't know if you remember the Great A.I. Theater Burnings of 2001, but it cost many movie goers their lives. Yet the causers of the fire still got a refund.
- [The rest of the conclusion is summarized.]
- Nostalgia Critic: JESUS, THIS IS STUPID! THIS IS THE STUPIDEST ENDING YOU COULD EVER GIVE TO A MOVIE LIKE THIS! I MEAN, BY GOD, WERE YOU EVEN THINKING? WERE YOU EVEN THINKING?
- Nostalgia Critic: [very subdued after learning this] So, Kubrick's to blame for that ending? The Stanley Kubrick? The Shining, A Clockwork Orange, Paths of Glory? He's the one that put together that incredibly sappy ending? Wow. Maybe in the end, Kubrick was trying to make that Spielberg movie he never could, which ironically resulted in Spielberg making that Kubrick movie he never could. The film is so disjointed and all over the place, and clearly not one vision. But at the same time, bringing that vision to life, even though so many people were against it, just to make a close friend's dream come true. Maybe he (Spielberg) understood Kubrick better than we thought he did. Maybe he understood him better than any of us did. Maybe representing a person's work and representing a person himself are more similar than we realized.
- Nostalgia Critic: I used to hate this movie. I mean, really despise it. I thought this was the worst representation of a director simply by choosing his opposite. But I realize now that Spielberg was going into a no-win situation. If he did it in his own style, everyone would say "Oh, that's not like Kubrick at all." If he tried to mimic his style, everyone would say "Oh, he's not talented enough to mimic Kubrick." But, maybe it wasn't about that. Maybe it was just about bringing a man's dream to life. A dream that this man [Kubrick] obsessed over for years and years and a really good friend [Spielberg] didn't want to see go to waste. And even if it didn't come out that great, even if was unfocused or cheesy, he still mimicked the director enough to show that he understood him. He still created some interesting conversations and ideas. And you know what, he fucking tried. He tried to the best of his abilities to properly represent a person who was very close to him. [indicates the TMZ gang] Which is more than I can say for anyone in this room. Maybe Kubrick would have done it better, maybe he could have done it worse. Hell, it's totally possible for a great director to make a bad film. But what nobody can deny is that Spielberg did his best to make a friend's dream a reality. And nobody, fuckin' nobody, can fault him for that.
- [As the TMZ gang is at the computer, chanting "Please forget" over and over again]
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, maybe the longing for dignity is the beginning of dignity. I'm the Nostalgia Critic; I remember it... [looks back at the gang, then leans into the camera] ...and don't you forget!
Are Video Games Art?
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: So, in answer to "Are Video Games Art?" or "high art" I would make the argument that if people don't see that the answer is "yes"... they will.
- [Opening Lines, after feeling all shaky with the movie's negative reviews]
- Nostalgia Critic: To review a bad comedy is one of the toughest things to review... Because there is only so many times you can say "That's not funny" and, on top of that, only so much that a person like me can take. So... rather than looking at this film as a comedy, I'm instead going to look at it as... cinematic suicide - A film that wants to die and tries everything in it's power to die. That way, when I shove it in Dana Carvey's anal passage, I'll feel no regret whatsoever. With that said... [Long pause] Master of Disguise...
- Nostalgia Critic: If my mouth open makes them laugh at Baby Geniuses, it must make them laugh here! Look, that face may entertain your one-year old for an hour and half but, asshole, YOU WERE ON SNL! YOU HAVE TO KNOW MORE THAN THIS!
- Nostalgia Critic: I wanna be serious for a moment and I just wanna ask, in all honesty, nothing ironic, no cynicism, just straightforward, man to man...what did you think was going to happen here? What was the mindset? D-d-did you really think that years later, people were going to be looking back, analyzing the... the brilliance of the Turtle scene? How did they do it? "Turtle scene: Ungodly genius." So many various levels, in which it works. W-we should hold it up to the great comedic masters that come before us. Who's on First?, Groucho in the Mirror, Lucy and the Chocolates...Fucking Turtle. Of course, naturally. I mean, I believe I actually saw that on Turner Classic Movies when they were analyzing the "Brilliant Comedic Writers" of any generation.
- Nostalgia Critic: [on the film's flatulence jokes] It's like for all the terrible humor going on in this movie, there's a fascinating journey of this one joke, and like the peaks and valleys it's taking in the evolution! That's actually kind of fascinating! Fart joke, how do you do it?
- [Fart joke appears in human form]
- Fart Joke: It is all part of the journey. I simply go wherever the golden path may take me.
- Nostalgia Critic: Well I certainly look forward to what you discover next, Fart Joke.
- Fart Joke: Peace be the humor.
- Nostalgia Critic: Cool runnings to you too, Fart Joke.
- Pistachio: I did not mean it, slapping dummy!
- Dwarf: [dressed as Mario] I'll get you, Pistachio!
- Nostalgia Critic: [relieved] OK, THERE we go! [haha - not quite, it shows Pistachio and the dwarf now sipping beer in a diner] FUCK!
- Pistachio: Hey, what are you still doing here?
- Nostalgia Critic: YOU TELL ME, ASSHOLE, you're the one still holding us hostage!
- Pistachio: You just saw the movie, didn't you, so now I'm trying to talk? Alright, goodbye, heh heh.
- Dwarf: Bye.
- Nostalgia Critic: Alright, there we go - FUCK! [long pause] OK... is that it? Are we done now? Is that really it? Is it? OK?
- Dog: No more...
- [The Nostalgia Critic goes insane and screams loudly and wrathfully and runs into the next door Happy Madison production tower and then runs out. It blows up behind him.]
- Nostalgia Critic: THIS MOVIE IS THE WORST!
What does the Secret of NIMH Mean?
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: It probably goes without saying, but this is going to be very heavy on the spoilers, so if you haven't seen the movie yet, you probably should before going any further. Or, the shorter way of putting it- [Intentionally cuts to another room]
- Chester A. Bum: SPOILERS!
- Nostalgia Critic: Next, I'll explain how Care Bears is related to our current economic downward spiral... or maybe I should just stop there?
- Zordon: Crisis! Rita has escaped! Recruit a whiny Internet celebrity with attitude! [Cut to the Nostalgia Critic reviewing at his desk]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it— [He's zapped away, screaming the whole time he's airborne before landing in a control room utterly confused at a spoof of the Power Rangers' theme song]
- Chorus: Go Nostalgia Critic!
- Nostalgia Critic: STOP IT! What's going on here? Why am I in the '60s version of the Batcave? [Turns around and sees Zordon] Oh, God!
- Zordon: Greetings. I am Zordon, the big weird head!
- Nostalgia Critic: Uh, I think your Skype connection needs a little work there, buddy, you're coming in all blurry. Let me fiddle with these knobs... [Static briefly replaces Zordon's head before his tube cuts to a clip from "The Wizard of Oz"]
- The Wizard: I AM OZ! [The Critic fiddles with the knobs again and there's static giving way to a clip from "The Empire Strikes Back"]
- Emperor Palpatine's Hologram: There is a great disturbance in the Force— [The Critic fiddles with the knobs one more time and there's static giving way to a clip from "Ghostbusters II"]
- Vigo: I, Vigo, the Scourge of Carpathia— [Zordon finally returns to his place in the tube]
- Zordon: STOP IT! I have brought you here because Rita — our oldest and most embarrassing enemy — has returned. She wishes to foil the Power Rangers' 20th Anniversary!
- Nostalgia Critic: What? Why?
- Zordon: Because she's the most pathetic villain we've ever had, and resents the show for it, and she wants to see everything connected to the Power Rangers destroyed.
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, what do you need me for? I'm just a critic/comedian. A... critic-ian.
- Zordon: That's precisely why we need you. Rita has taken over every screen in the world and shown one of the Power Rangers' most despised projects!
- Nostalgia Critic: [Gasps] You don't mean...?
- Zordon: Yes! "Turbo: A Power Rangers Movie".
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, at least they have the cars now, so that has to lead to some kickass action, right? Oh, you bet. They drive those Turbo fast Morphin powered vehicles of awesome to a 19th century ship where they immediately get out of their cars, park them inside, and ride the incredibly uneventful HMS Pinabore! [singing to the tune of the show's theme song] Go! Go! Power Rangers! You're getting new vehicles and powers just so you can ride in a slow ass boat Rangers!
- Kimberly: Friends? [delivers a strange evil laugh]
- Nostalgia Critic: [laughs] That might be my favorite reaction in the entire movie. It either suddenly hit her how stupid this scene is, or she was suddenly possessed by a drunk Patty and Selma.
- [Now in his Nostalgia Critic/Black Ranger outfit fighting the Movie Bomb monster]
- Nostalgia Critic: It's not working, Zordon! He seems to be impervious to criticism! [Zordon's image appears through a watch communicator]
- Zordon: Very well. You will have to use hand-to-hand combat. Fight him off with all your martial arts skills and maybe we won't have to use the giant robot.
- Nostalgia Critic: Got it! Alright, Big Tall and Ugly! The time has come for you— [Quickly switches back to his normal voice] what giant robot?
- Zordon: The ten-story high one that we only use as a last resort.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Beat] This guy is like a foot taller than me, why don't I use the giant robot first?
- Zordon: We can't.
- Nostalgia Critic: Wwwhy?
- Zordon: We just can't!
- Nostalgia Critic: Wwwhy?
- Zordon: It's not how we do things!
- Nostalgia Critic: It's not how YOU do things.
- Zordon: Just be honorable! Fight him man-to-man.
- Nostalgia Critic: Right. Alright, evildoer! Now the time has come for me to send you into a world of— [Quickly switches back to his normal voice again] go giant robot! [A giant metal foot comes down from the sky and squashes the Movie Bomb monster]
- Rita: Oh!
- Nostalgia Critic: Wow! [Chuckles] It's Mega-Big Voltronimus Primo! [The camera cuts away to a shot of the whole giant robot against a suburban skyline] Now that's the shit I'm talkin' about!
- Rita: Hey you little cheater! That's not how it's done!
- Nostalgia Critic: You got a problem? Take it up with the flour tortilla that used to be your monster. And just to pour more salt in the wound, I'm gonna keep reviewing the movie. Think of it as a victory lap for those who know how to use their giant robots.
- Rita: Oh!
Are Superheroes Whiny Little Bitches?
[edit]- [On the tendency of many recent superhero movies to compare their protagonists to Jesus]
- Nostalgia Critic: The way I see it, this either shows how similar superheroes are to Jesus — I guess to show how incredible they are in both power and humility — or how similar Jesus is to superheroes, that he had all this power and yet used it for peace and kindness. Either way, I don't see why we constantly have to see these similarities. I think we have enough variations on him already I don't know why these guys can't just rely on their own mythos. [Cuts to a clip from a home movie of a much younger Doug Walker] I used to have long hair, too, it doesn't mean you have to make a comparison between me and him. Though if he wore glasses, he would make a pretty awesome-looking hipster. [Shows a Photoshopped picture of Jesus wearing large black-rimmed glasses]
Top 11 Dumbest Lord of the Rings Moments
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: [on Gimli] Number 9: Gimli's Idiot Moments. So yeah, when making an adaptation as big as Lord of the Rings you can't go into quite as much detail as the books can, so I guess, some times, characters have to be simplified, that's understandable enough. But good God, what did you do to Gimli?
- Gimli: Ar, it's the Dwarves who go swimming, with little hairy women!
- Nostalgia Critic: At first, he started off OK, he was simple and emotional, but still had a sense of honour and dignity.
- Gimli: [from Fellowship of the Ring] Let them come, there is one Dwarf yet in Moria, who still draws breath!
- Nostalgia Critic: Yet, as the movies went on, he just got goofier and goofier. [Gimli belches] And goofier.
- Gimli: [from Extended version] What do trees have to talk about, except the consistency of squirrel droppings!?!
- Nostalgia Critic: And goofier. [Gimli passes out drunk] He went from being his own unique flavor of badass [Gimli is shown fighting Orcs] to just being silly comic relief!
- Gimli: [at Helm's Deep] Could've picked a better spot.
- Gimli: I cannot jump the distance, you'll have to toss me!
- Gimli: [at Moria] Not the beard!
- Nostalgia Critic: Even he seemed to realize his race only existed to get a chuckle out of the real heroes!
- Gimli: [from Extended] It's true you don't see many Dwarf women... this has given rise to the belief, that there are no Dwarf women, and that Dwarves just spring out of holes in the ground! [Eowyn laughs hysterically]
- Nostalgia Critic: Don't believe me? Just watch this scene and tell me if the punchline music doesn't write itself! [He plays Gimli falling off his horse with the Mwa-mwa-mwa music playing] It's odd that we had to wait a whole prequel to see a dignified Dwarf character, and until then we only had Gimli as the representation of dignified Dwarfs. [Gimli belches]
- Gimli: Salted pork?
- Nostalgia Critic: Thank God he had his bad-ass moments in there too, because If not, this would've been a representation of Dwarf lack-face.
- Nostalgia Critic: [on the ending] Even How It Should Have Ended had this in their version! [cut to the Eagles throwing the Ring into the volcano]
- Nostalgia Critic: And don't get me wrong, I have nothing against them being gay, in fact it would have been cool if they'd been the first openly gay characters in fantasy.
- Nostalgia Critic: [about Legolas] He seems perfect enough to take this War on his own!
- Nostalgia Critic: You can see every wrinkle on his face! I know close-angle shots were meant to be impressive but how would you like it if I filmed all my conversations in close-up!?
- [cut to Critic and Malcolm]
- Nostalgia Critic: [speaking really close to camera] Hey, Malcolm, I heard they are getting a new judge for American Idol.
- Malcolm: [also really close to camera] Yeah, I heard they are replacing that other judge too.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, you mean, they're replacing that guy -? What's his name?
- Malcolm: Yeah, what is that guy's name...?
- [A hand clamps down on his shoulder, spinning him round, and Santa Christ comes right out of a closet into a close-up of his face]
- Santa Christ: [paraphrasing LOTR quote] Is it Seacrest? Is he safe?
Is It Right to Nitpick?
[edit]Batman Season 4: Hit or Miss?
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: [on the opening] I guess the only downside is the obvious American additions, like this pointless Star Wars-style scroll. Yeah, 'cos that's what girls watching this show are really into: Star Wars! They go so hand in hand I'm surprised Lucas didn't release a more feminine version with Serena doing Darth Vader.
- Darth Vader: Did you hear there's a new Sailor V video game out? I saw it on TV!
- Imperial Commander: Lord Vader, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship.
- Darth Vader: Oh yeah...
- Imperial Commander: And no transmissions were made.
- Darth Vader: How can that be? My mom finds out, she'll ground me and cut my allowance-!
- Imperial Commander: An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. No life forms were aboard.
- Darth Vader: I can't believe this! [whining] Oh, what am I going to do? We can get ice cream!
- Imperial Commander: Yes sir!
- Nostalgia Critic: We see her walk past a poster of a young girl dressed exactly how she's dressed. Like it's from a movie or a show or something. So, what, a movie or a TV industry got wind of this idea that coincidentally is exactly the same as what's going on right now? Does that mean something like Transformers is a true story then? Because, to be fair, my car has been giving me dirty looks. [cuts to a photo of two identical cars and one changes it's lights, making a mechanical noise - Critic turns his head away and tries to look nonchalant]
- Nostalgia Critic: [after repeatedly pointing out the Sailor Scouts' ages] Now, before any of you find this incredibly creepy, let me make one thing perfectly clear: the age of consent, in many parts of Japan is, in fact, thirteen years old. Now you may find it incredibly creepy. And yes, there's a lot of fine print to that law that evens it out a bit, but there's just as much fine print that evens it back into kinky territory again. For example, sex between thirteen to seventeen year olds can only be done with other thirteen to seventeen year olds.
- Homer Simpson: That's good!
- Nostalgia Critic: However, that's only sex. Groping, blow jobs, hand jobs and whatever else your perverted imagination can come up with is all perfectly legal.
- Homer Simpson: That's bad.
- Nostalgia Critic: However, they have cracked down on human trafficking, forced prostitution and other illegal acts endangering people in that age range.
- Homer Simpson: That's good!
- Nostalgia Critic: But that doesn't stop people creating kinky establishments like the Sexual Harassment Corporation where you pay to molest girls in school and business sets and is totally, 100% legal.
- Homer Simpson: Can I go now?
- Nostalgia Critic: So, um, yeah, I guess when you come down to it, it is just cultural differences. I mean, sexual urges in young people does start well before 18. My personal problem is, like media in most cultures, it doesn't try to help younger people understand sexuality, but rather exploits it. Rather than educate young people about sex, it's honestly just easier if we can make money off of it. But, of course, all this talk about Sailor Moon being a sexy 14-year old pin-up is all building up to one important question: Given this information, why did I still put her in the Top 11 Hottest Animated Women list? I DIDN'T KNOW! I SWEAR, I DIDN'T KNOW! I mean, look at the way they're drawn, man! I thought they were in college or at least late high school! Wouldn't you have made that guess? Come on, look at the way they're showing them off! I swear, officer- I mean, audience, I had no idea of their real age! I mean, "Oh, what. Did you watch the show growing up? Did you pay attention to at all" NO! NO, I DIDN'T! I mean, I WATCHED it, but I didn't really LISTEN to it. I too was 14 at a time and maybe I viewed it for different reasons...
- [The young Nostalgia Critic is doing some homework when he gets distracted by Sailor Moon, which is on the television in the background]
- Young Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, this is awful. [He turns the television off.]
- Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: Turn that back on.
- Young Nostalgia Critic: Who said that?
- Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: I did. [Young Nostalgia Critic looks down at his crotch and realises that his penis is talking.]
- Young Nostalgia Critic: Penis?
- Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: Yeah?
- Young Nostalgia Critic: You can talk?
- Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: All penises can talk around this age. It's the greatest secret no woman knows about, but wouldn't be in the least bit shocked to discover.
- Nostalgia Critic: Excuse me, I have some memories I need to repress.
- [After Commercial Break following that joke]
- Nostalgia Critic: [Drunk, enters frame with a half bottle of whiskey] Well, I think I have properly erased those memories.
- Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: They'll be back.
- Nostalgia Critic: Quiet or I'll write another groin shot joke...
- Nostalgia Critic: Speaking of which, there actually is a villain in this series, known as Queen Beryal. Yes, cos no name is more terrifying than a wooden container that can bring me alcohol. Actually, you're sure she's not the hero? [Takes a swig of his whiskey]
- Nostalgia Critic: And yes, even the other planets over time join the group as well. Ooh, except Pluto. Um, you're not a planet anymore, so, um... Yeah. [shoots Sailor Pluto] And to answer your question, yes, every kid snickered like an idiot when they heard there really was a Sailor Uranus.
- Minion from Despicable Me 2: Bottom. [they laugh]
- Nostalgia Critic: Actually, things got kind of interesting with her character, seeing how Uranus and Neptune were cousins in the show, but not in the Japanese version. No, no, in the Japanese version, they were a couple. [shows scene to illustrate] That's right, straight up lesbians.
- Young Nostalgia Critic's penis: What was that?
- Nostalgia Critic: Nothing! I said nothing!
Why is Tom and Jerry GENIUS?
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: The animators of Tom and Jerry knew that the more you feel how solid they are, the more you feel the pain. The same can be said for the sounds they make. In the early days when they were still trying to find their niche, Tom and Jerry, and especially Tom, looked much more like real live animals and even sounded like real live animals. [clips of Tom/Jasper yowling in pain] Now that's not as funny because it's not as relateable. The only thing you think about when you hear that is a real live cat getting hurt. What sick fuck would enjoy that? But when you add a human yell to it... [Tom emits his trademark scream] Suddenly, it's more funny. And yes, every single one of them is done by William Hanna. [montage of Tom's screams]
- They knew just when to have them use their voices too, they were never overplayed, like some pieces of cockburger that I know. They were just used at the right time when the scene needed something particularly silly to up the humor. [Tom in a thick French accent says "I love you," to Spike unknowingly] This one especially gets me, just for the surrealness alone. ["Don't you believe it" scene from Mouse Trouble] Why that deeper voice? Why that major echo? Why those exact words? I don't know, it's just so strange you have to laugh at it.
Les Miserables: MUSICAL REVIEW
[edit]- Yakko: I'm Yakko!
- Wakko: I'm Wakko!
- Dot: AND I'M JAVERT! Shoot!
- Voice off-screen: Cut!
- [on the constant jump cuts to progress time]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, come on! I thought this was supposed to be the musical of emotion and feelings!
- Kyle: It is!
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, how? It's passing over all of the essential relationships and transformations that create drama. You can do whole entire musicals based on one of the changes these characters go through. But instead, they squeeze each change into one song and dump in more characters and stories not needed. Why can't they just focus on the already heavy characters and stories that they have?
- Paw: Well, they do, while also throwing in Marius, Éponine, Gavroche and Enjolras.
- Nostalgia Critic: Four more characters? With four more storylines to add to the jumble? Next, you'll be telling me they're bringing back characters they already got rid of!
- Paw: He, he, he: look.
- [cuts to the male Thénardier]
- Nostalgia Critic: JESUS CHRIST! AS IF WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH!
- Paw: But's that all from the original stage show...
- Nostalgia Critic: Which is an adaptation of a book the size of the Bible!
- Kyle: Critic does bring up a good point. Doing a film adaption is tricky enough already, but this is a medium transfer, from a medium transfer. You go from a book, which an audience usually allows to be as long as it wants, to a Broadway show, which audiences usually allow for 3 hours, with an intermission, to a movie, which audiences usually allow 2 and a half hours at most, with no intermission.
- Nostalgia Critic: Exactly. If they wanted this adaption to work, they had to make bigger changes, without being afraid of the purest fan-base. Whenever confrontation pops up, they shouldn't be expected to run and hide.
- [knock on the door]
- Kyle: It's BrentalFloss!
- Nostalgia Critic: Run and Hide!
- BrentalFloss: Hey you guys! You were right! It is easy to become a doctor! I got my medical certification in one day!
- [cuts to the three men hiding in the closet]
- Paw: How is that possible?
- Nostalgia Critic: [shushs Paw]
- BrentalFloss Where did you guys go? Oh, wait, I should stay in character. [impersonating Russell Crowe's generally received bad singing] Hey, you guys. Where are you? Do not forget me, do not forget my name, 24601! Hmm, they don't seem to be here: maybe they are in the lobby. [leaves]
- [Paw, Nostalgia Critic and Kyle fallout of the closet they were hiding in]
- Nostalgia Critic: Insert coming out of the closet joke here.
- [Paw imitates the 'ba dom tish' drum sound effect]
- Paw: Hey, I got it!
- Nostalgia Critic: Valjean then sings about how important it is to protect Marius, describing him like a son. A son he's only known for a few minutes.
- Valjean: Lord on high, hear my prayer...
- Oancitizen: This is especially disrespectful to the original as the song was supposed to be sung quietly and soothing. Here he belts it out.
- Javert: If I die, let me die!
- Oancitizen: I'm surprised he doesn't wake up the entire army.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and I suppose Colm Wilkinson did much better?
- Oancitizen: He did! Much better!
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, and his awkward lip movements didn't result in hilarious sounds like this?
- Colm Wilkinson: Bring me...home?
- [Paw and the Critic start giggling hysterically]
- Oancitizen: Well, OK, maybe not every note was perfect, but I don't-
- Colm Wilkinson: Home?
- Paw: Did he swallow a fish?
- Oancitizen: It's still better than Jackman.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, I don't know, Jackman never sounded like a vomiting cat in reverse!
- Colm Wilkinson: Home? Home? Home?
- Oancitizen: Stop it!
- [in the style to the show's original opening]
- Katara Voiceover: [box sets of the Avatar seasons appear in their order] Water. Earth. Fire. Long ago, the three seasons lived together in harmony. But then, everything changed when the Shyamalan attacked. [cut to the Nostalgia Critic on a mountain, in a tantrum] Only the Avid Jerk, master of ripping films apart, could restore balance. But when the world needed him most... [movie poster for The Last Airbender appears behind the critic] ...he vanished.
- Past Nostalgia Critic: [turns to see the poster] Ohhh, fuck this noise!
- [cut to the Nostalgia Critic's room, where two people resembling Katara and Sokka open the door to find the present Nostalgia Critic]
- Katara Voiceover: Several years passed, and my brother and I discovered the new Avid Jerk. A reviewer named Nostalgia Critic. [Nostalgia Critic appears not to cooperate] And although his critiquing skills are great, he still has much to learn before he can save anything. [after the Nostalgia Critic tries to run from critiquing, Katara does some bending that sends him flying into a building] But I believe, Nostalgia Critic can save the franchise!
- Nostalgia Critic: [remembering the show] Avatar is one of the greatest TV series of all time!
- Sokka: Good! Now you're ready to review the fuck-up lord's disaster opus!
- Nostalgia Critic: But wait...just because I know about it doesn't mean the people at home know about it. How are we gonna catch them up to speed?
- Sokka: Katara, guitar-a.
- [Katara pulls out an acoustic guitar and strums a chord]
- Sokka, Katara & Nostalgia Critic: [singing in tune] Spoilers. Spoilers. Spoilers.
- Chester A. Bum: [suddenly appears, also singing; points to a time on the bottom screen reading 3:30] Go to this part if you haven't seen the show yeeeet.
- [Sung to the tune of an Irish jig]
- Nostalgia Critic: Four nations exist called Earth, Fire, Wind and Water / 'Til Fire decided things should get hotter / Invasion's aren't nice, but then to break the ice / Aang the Avatar rose to make them pay the price.
- Katara: Katara and Sokka help him to keep in the know / Flying what looks like to be a white Neighbor Totoro / Chased by their foe, a young prince named Zuko / Don't ask him about his scar or Rufio.
- Sokka: The Avatar masters the elements flawlessly / Toughest of Tophs made his blind eye so cautiously / Avatar state opens at a great rate / But Azula serves his arrowed ass on a plate.
- Nostalgia Critic: Katara revives him and they sing their love song / But Zuko decides this emo shit's gone too long / He switches sides at the turn of the tide / And now Aang is on fire with his smoking guide.
- Katara: Katara and Zuko beat Azula on the cuff / Mostly because she is coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs / Aang's feeling ill 'cause he don't wanna kill / But the Cowardly Lion Turtle says "Hold still."
- Sokka: He's given the gift to depower the Fire Lord / Nation says "Whatever" Zuko can lead the horde / Go and live happily in a world that is free / Just remember that it's thanks to baldy.
- Sokka, Katara & Nostalgia Critic: So that is the show and it's good that you know / Because it is the best as good cartoon shows go / So now that you've heard, go ahead, spread the word / That the best Avatar ain't that blue pussy turd. Now on with the review!
- Sokka: [monotonously and without any pauses] I watched which side of the fin tracks are more indented that shows you which direction they're going, I saw how long the drag skids are.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, no... They both succumbed to the dreaded Hayden Christensen syndrome!
- Sokka: No one... is taking anybody away!
- Katara: Please wait here.
- Sokka: What can he do?
- Katara: Aren't there spirits here?
- Sokka: They were looking for someone with the same markings.
- [Two computer-generated blocks of glass can be seen beside the Nostalgia Critic]
- Nostalgia Critic: Stop it! Your monotone can break glass!
- Sokka: So, are you the Avatar, Aang?
- [The glass blocks shatter into pieces]
- [getting put in a Fire Nation prison]
- Nostalgia Critic: So they place them all in a prison of Earth-benders where— [sees the prison is just a camp near a canyon] WAIT A FUCK. THIS is the prison for Earth-benders?! I'm sorry! I'm really sorry, I know it gets really annoying every single time time I say "in the show" because it's an adaptation. Adaptations, you gotta make changes, I understand that, I really understand that, but...it's gotta be changes that make sense, guys! So...in the show...the prison is on a metal ship where no earth bending is possible, and thus it breaks their spirit because they can't get away! They are powerless to stop them! Here, THEY'RE FUCKING SURROUNDED BY THE STUFF! Aang makes a big speech about rising up and fighting back, were in the show, it's justified— and Katara, but still justified because there's a big risk, they have something to lose! Here, it's like saying "walk through a revolving door", there's nothing to be lost! It's like having an ice-cream bender at Baskin-Robbins and saying "How the hell am I gonna—" YOU'RE AN ICE-CREAM BENDER! USE YOUR FUCKING MIND!
- Aang: It's time for you to stop doing this!
- Nostalgia Critic: Sure enough, they do start fighting back, and it's about time, I wanna see some bad-ass Earth-bending effects brought to life by some state of the art effects—
- [a group of Earth-benders begin stomping the group and proceed with very slow Earth-bending, managing only to lift a medium sized rock and hurling it at a Fire Nation soldier]
- Nostalgia Critic: [silent for a brief period before removing his glasses and rubbing his face in frustration - beginning to get out of character] Is that...really the extent of your imagination, Shyamalan? Is that really the wide range of possibilities that you could pull off with this scenario? Earth-bending. Earth-be— [knocks on table and bangs walls] EARTH Bending! Taking the elements of Earth...the fucking planet! And bending it to your will! And this is the fuck-ass piece of shit that you could come up with?! [puts glasses back on] Okay, let me give you a crash course or reminder as someone who has clearly seen the show what just one...ONE Earth-bender can do.
- [clips from show play of various Earth-benders bending huge boulders, slabs of rock, and other formations to their will]
- Nostalgia Critic: One. That was all one Earth-bender in every single one of those scenes. Now let's see what uh- one, two, three, four, five—FIVE... [Onscreen text reads "Six, but who's counting?"] Five of your shitty-ass Earth-benders from your piece of fuck film could accomplish!
- [clip replays of the Earth-benders stomping and bending]
- Earth-Benders: [Nostalgia Critic Voiceover] I'M A LITTLE TEAPOT, SHORT AND STOUT!
- Another Earth-Bender: [NC Voiceover, impersonating Droopy] Don't worry guys, I'll get him! [shoots rock into soldier] Take that.
- Nostalgia Critic: Now, just as a friendly reminder, this is what five guys could do in that...other show you claim to be such a big fan of.
- [clip of the show plays of Fire Nation tanks on the attack; five Earth-benders bend rock underneath the tank, launching it into the air in onto another tank]
- Nostalgia Critic: THAT WAS A TANK! A FUCKING TANK! FIVE GUYS! TANK! [stuttering] A-a-and WHAT DID YOUR PUSSIES DO AGAIN?! [clip shows of rock slowing in front of Earth-bender] Your version, theirs! [clips show respectfully] Your version. Theirs! Your-their-your-their-your-their-WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?! Have you no passion for possibility? Have you no understanding of this...barrel of Miyazaki that you could unleash with this creativity? I mean...WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION, you...you...sucker of talent and good?! What is going on in your head?! Please! Contact me! Let me know, let me know what the flying fuck has caused you to become so uninspired, with this stuff that's practically gift-wrapped for you, and just said "MAKE ME INCREDIBLE! MAKE ME INCREDIBLE!"
- Nostalgia Critic: Meanwhile, Commander Zhao I guess, is talking to this other guy who puckers his lips so much, I swear he's waiting to be kissed by him.
- Commander Zhao: Our spies have discovered someone claiming to be the Avatar. They describe him as just a boy. We should set a trap for this person.
- Fire Lord Ozai: Let's hope, for your sake, my son doesn't find this person first.
- Nostalgia Critic: [sees Ozai portrayed non-threateningly by Cliff Curtis] Wait a minute! That's the Fire Lord? That's the great bad-ass villain in all this? THAT'S THE FIRE— [calms down] Show, do your thing!
- [clips from show play of the Fire Lord]
- Nostalgia Critic: The Fire Lord was built up big time. Always kept in shadow until the final season. He was like the Dr. Claw of this show. And when he finally was revealed, he wasn't a monster or anything, but he was still intimidating. Even the picture Zuko stares at in the film looks like the original Fire Lord. [clip replays of the Fire Lord] But this? THIS?! This is the most common, non-threatening person you could put in this role! It's like they grabbed a guy at the grocery store and dressed him up as Biggus Dickus!
- Biggus Dickus: [dubbing over Ozai] Hail Caesar!
- [clips from Monty Python's Life of Brian play]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hell, Biggus Dickus is more intimidating than him! He at least is played by an actor I know is dead! Which kind of has the ghost value. [beat] It's more intimidating than this!
- Nostalgia Critic: By God, it's one of the few times I'm glad that the characters I love so much aren't real. Could you imagine them actually seeing how they would be represented in movie form? I'd fucking cringe!
- [Clips of the movie play while the audience laughs in the background. The animated clips are from the episode "The Ember-Island Players"]
- Movie Sokka: I saw how long the drag skids are. That shows you how fast they're going.
- TV show Sokka: This is pathetic! My jokes are way funnier than this!
- Movie Katara: The scroll we have is proving to be helpful. Aang was practicing.
- TV show Katara: Well, that's just silly. I don't sound like that!
- Movie Aang: I left a few days ago. You're lying!
- TV show Aang: I don't do that! That's not what I'm like!
- Movie Zuko: Who are you? What's your name!?
- TV show Zuko: They made me look totally stiff and humorless!
- [The TV show versions of the characters watch more clips of their movie counterparts, completely unamused. Eventually, they're walking away from the cinema where they saw the movie]
- Suki: Horrible.
- TV show Aang: I'll say.
- TV show Katara: No kidding.
- Toph: You said it.
- TV show Sokka: But the effects were decent.
- Nostalgia Critic: So both Aang and Katara master their waterbending from Bill Connolly-Theoden, and as you can see...there's no stopping their incredible abilities now. [nothing is happening as Aang and Katara supposedly bend the water] Look at all that water fly. Nobody dare cross the phenomenal power that these two- Okay, here's another problem with the movie: the bending takes forever! The original keeps the action quick and exciting, as... well, action should be! Maybe two moves could do something impressive. But here, I could heat up a Hot Pocket before these guys do anything exciting! If the opening was being honest, here's how it should really go.
- [the Avatar Opening begins]
- Katara Voiceover: Water.
- [shows a sillouette doing all sorts of moves with his body while nothing is happening]
- Katara Voiceover: [a bit more urgent] Water!
- [sillouette is still moving his body with no results]
- Katara Voiceover: [annoyed] WATER!
- [the sillouette finally stops moving, only resulting in a small splash of water]
- Sillouette: Water tribe!
- [gets shot]
- Nostalgia Critic: Okay. Can I just say that forgiving Disney for the Jonas Brothers is made a little bit easier when they have a small child saying "God damns you to Hell" several times in their kids' movie?
- Nostalgia Critic: God, I'm sick to death of these forced whimsical moments. Can't once just something go incredibly wrong in this movie?
- Jess' mom: Oh my God, Jess!
- Jess' dad: Where in God's name have you been?
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, good; somebody better be dead!
- Jess' dad: Your friend, Leslie, is dead.
- Nostalgia Critic: [pained and embarrassed expression] Send your angry e-mails to NostalgiaCritic@IdiotWithBadTiming.com!
- [after Leslie has died]
- Bully: So... looks like you're the fastest kid in the class now, huh?
- Nostalgia Critic: OHH! OH! OH! OH, NO, NO- NO NO NO NO - [He gets up from his chair and runs to the other room, screaming NO over and over, before returning to his chair] OK, normally I wouldn't say that violence is the solution, but in this test I say definitely choose Answer F, for FUCK HIS ASS UP! [Jess punches the bully backwards into a bookshelf] Don't make him get out his cake decorating kit!
- [The Critic puts a box on the table]
- Nostalgia Critic: Alright, nothing like moving into a new place: Doing some heavy lifting, stretching the muscles, alright guys?
- [cut to Malcolm and Rachel who're dumping a large box on the sofa]
- Malcolm & Rachel: [sarcastically] Whee.
- Nostalgia Critic: [picking his teeth in mirror] I can't believe I hadn't thought of this before! Why do I keep filming all my shots at the same place, when I have a perfectly good location waiting to be used!
- Malcolm: But were we shooting it all at your house?
- Rachel: Yes, to be honest it was pretty inconsistent where we were.
- Nostalgia Critic: What's important is that we have this fantastic location [building rumbles] which is built on top of a perfectly harmless Indian burial ground which was rests below the hokey remains of a burned-down insane asylum for schizophrenic homicidal orphans! [cuts to Michael and Rachel looking shocked yet skeptical] And vampire puppies!
- Rachel: He has been watching The Shining and he is going to go crazy just like Jack Nicholson does! We've got to go and stop him!
- Malcolm: No! I'm not going! Haven't you seen what happens to that black guy in that film?
- Rachel: No...?
- Malcolm: What happens to all black guys in scary films?
- Rachel: No.
- Malcolm: Let's just say "it doesn't work out well."
- [Danny is watching from the window as the ghosts begin to taunt him]
- Ghosts: Danny... Danny... DANNY!
- Danny: SHUT UP, do you hear me, just SHUT UP, leave me alone!
- Wendy: [bursts in] Danny, look - its snowing!
- The Nostalgia Critic: Oh wow its snowing its amazing tee hee ha de haar Satan and his demon army can wait its SNOWING! Oh my God, I can't take any more of this shit!
- Malcolm: [repeated line] I want to try some amazing pumpkin tacos.
- Jack: What are you talking about?
- Danny: This place was bad. Everything bad that happened here is still here.
- Nostalgia Critic: STOP TALKING ABOUT IT AND JUST SHOW US WHAT'S FUCKING SCARY!
- Danny: But if we don't go soon, we might not be able to go at all.
- [The screen starts to fade to black]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, look! A commercial! I do hope they're still talking when they come back from it!
- [After the break, we cut back to the kitchen where the conversation is still going!]
- Nostalgia Critic: And they are! WHAT THE HELL?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?! The conversation was so long that it LITERALLY NEEDED A COMMERCIAL BREAK?!?!?!? Look, in books, I know stories are carried through a lot of dialogue and obviously a lot of words. That's the medium. But film is a visual medium! Show, don't tell! I mean, by God, imagine if Georges Méliès, instead of showing his Voyage to the Moon, just talked about it the whole time!
- [Cut to a picture of Méliès that is captioned, "Georges Méliès Speaks of His Underwhelming Sounding Idea"]
- Georges Méliès: So they got in this very flat, strange looking device that kind of looked like a penis and launched it into the moon. Oh, the moon, by the way, has a face on it, and it actually hits the face in the eye. Ho, ho! This would be rather unbelievable if we were to see this visually, but... NAH!
- [In a recreation of Kubrick's bar scene, the Critic exasperatedly goes to the bar]
- The Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God I need a drink. God, I need a drink. I would sell my damn soul for just a shot of vodka. [Looks up at the previously empty bar] Oh hi. [Smiles manically] Pretty dead tonight, isn't it?
- Dominic: Yes, indeed, Mr Critic. What'll it be?
- Nostalgia Critic: [recurring line] Derob... DEROB!
- The Nostalgia Critic: You know, Dominic, its funny, I didn't even think this place had any alcohol, or a bar.
- Dominic: It doesn't. You're hallucinating and you've been drinking toilet water for the past hour.
- [The Critic wakes up with a shock and sees himself sitting at the toilet, drinking up the water. He hurridely spits it out.]
- Nostalgia Critic's Laptop: All talk and no scares makes miniseries dull shit. [repeat several times] You know, I could really go for some pumpkin tacos. Eh, fuck it. All talk and no scares makes miniseries dull shit... [repeat again]
- Rachel: In the Kubrick version Jack was just scary from the start. But in this version he was a three-dimensional character who you could actually sympathize with.
- Malcolm: I guess the idea of Stephen King doing something better than Kubrick has destroyed his mind!
- [During a recreation of the Kubrick movie's closing scene featuring the Critic himself]
- Nostalgia Critic: I don't care if it doesn't make any sense. At least it's scary!
- Nostalgia Critic and The Cinema Snob: BOO! BOO!
- The Cinema Snob: That's a lot whole of BOO!
- Nostalgia Critic: Guys, do we even need to sum this up?
- Nostalgia Critic: If you're even remotely interested in seeing a film with a title as stupid as this, you're pretty much gonna get what you expect. It's lame, it's crazy, it's completely over-the-top. What else can you say? It's called Sharknado.
- [We see the Critic entering an elevator. Inside are Santa Christ, Satan, and Rita Repulsa from Power Rangers]
- Nostalgia Critic: This seems like a very colorful group of characters to randomly be on an elevator with.
- [blackout]
- Satan: Oh, grape nuts...
- [power's back on]
- Gort: [on intercom] This is Gort Varman, your elevator-
- Santa Christ: Hi, Gort!
- Gort: Uh, hi. Listen, your elevator seems to be stuck. You folks sit tight [DON'T PANIC flashes on a sign] and we'll have you out in a minute.
- Rita Repulsa: [heavily overdubbed] Well, great! Now what do we do?
- Nostalgia Critic: Anybody got any stories?
- Rita: I do! It's about how I planned to take over the world by creating one monster at a time, instead of building an army of them, and how I was embarrassingly defeated by a martial arts version of Glee! And thats how I-
- Nostalgia Critic: Santa Christ, you must have some interesting tales!
- Santa Christ: Well, I did write a screenplay.
- Satan: You wrote a screenplay?
- Santa Christ: Yeah, I write every morning at Starbucks. Have to justify that rewards card somehow.
- The Nostalgia Critic: So, we start off our film with a logo which reads Night Chronicles and then the number one, eh?
- Santa Christ: Oh yeah, I remember this - this is the series of films Shaymalan was supposed to direct.
- The Nostalgia Critic: Well, then why aren't there more?
- [Santa Christ looks pissed]
- Santa Christ: Because the first one was Devil!
- Everybody: Ooooh!
- The Nostalgia Critic: And because Shaymalan can never start a movie without some important-looking text; here's some important-looking text.
- Movie text: Be watchful; be vigilant, because your adversary the Devil walks about as a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour.
- The Nostalgia Critic: Ah, now this is especially essential, because, without it, we could never have come to the conclusion, that the Devil is bad!
- Satan: That's how they see me? I need to make more Republicans!
- [as the first few seconds of the film's opening credits, including an upside-down shot of a city, is shown]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, everything's UPSIDE DOWN! FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!
- The Nostalgia Critic: ...And of course there is only one reasonable explanation for all of this.
- Ramirez: You have to consider... that one of those people... might be the Devil.
- Nostalgia Critic: Really? Just like that, Devil? You're not leaving it open for more reasonable explanations; like the Great Pumpkin or the Flying Spaghetti Monster?
- Bowden: Is he for real?
- Ramirez: Where I come from, we call it "The Devil's meeting."
- The Nostalgia Critic: But that's nothing - what proof does he have that the Devil is near? Oh, turn up the volume for this one - maximize the frame, draw all of your attention to the screen! [He looks around] Get close, get closer. [He pulls in Santa Christ and Rita] Get close, get real close, this has to be seen and heard with the utmost clarity to be believed! OK MOVIE, what's your proof?
- Lustig: What're you doing?
- Ramirez: When he's near, toast lands jelly-side up!
- Nostalgia Critic: The absolute proof to show that the Devil is near is taking some toast; putting jelly on it, then throwing it in the air to see if it lands jelly-side down! With all due respect, writers, creators of this movie - did you drink as a foetus? I don't know how you would accomplish that, but it's the only way I can comprehend something so stupid! Jelly-side down equals Devil - are you fucking kidding me? Is this a tested method? One that's really valuable? Is this the method the Vatican uses? Do religious leaders all come together to test the Devil's arrival with pastry goods?
- Ramirez: Check it out.
- Maintenance: Oh, full house. Two queens, three jacks.
- [there is a rather awkward pause in the audience]
- Santa Christ: Who says that?
- [as the people argue about who the killer is]
- Satan: Well how do you know that I did it? You both have your own reasons, you could both be as guilty. Nostalgia Critic, you hate the Power Rangers!
- Nostalgia Critic: Not enough to kill a cast member over it! Unless, it was Alpha.
- Satan: And Santa Christ, you hunt monsters just for fun!
- Santa Christ: I only do that on Thursdays!
- The Nostalgia Critic: [On the old lady being the Devil all along] Well, I know what you're going to say, "Well you weren't expecting it so it must be a good twist!" - WELL - I wouldn't be expecting it if they all turned into snowmen of George Takei, but that doesn't make it a good twist. It'd be more entertaining than this but it doesn't make it a good twist.
- [at the end of the film]
- The Nostalgia Critic: And sure enough, the city is no longer upside down, but right side up.
- [Hussein from South Park runs around the screen]
- Hussein: Ask me what it means! Ask me what it means! Wo-hoo!
- Nostalgia Critic: Well, I'm glad we both made it through this alive, Santa Christ - Santa Christ?
- [he sees Santa Christ lying on the floor with a safe on his head]
- Nostalgia Critic: [screams]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, was he the Devil? Am I the Devil? Is this whole damn elevator the Devil!?
- [The Devil appears behind the Critic]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh my God, the Devil was the Devil! [pause] Probably should have seen that coming...
- Satan: Foolish mortal. I'm not the Devil! I'm - [transforms] - Shaymalan!
- Nostalgia Critic: Goddamnit it Shaymalan, even the reveal of yourself is a lame twist! Where's the clues of who you really were? Where's the deductive reasoning!?!
- Shyamalan: I am the Master of Twists! If you can think of a better one for my movie, say it now.
- Nostalgia Critic: Hm, what if crazy toast man was the Devil?
- Shyamalan: [thinks] Actually, that's kind of brilliant...!
- Nostalgia Critic: He knows how the Devil thinks, he knows how the Devil works, there's no press footage of him prancing around like a paparazzi whore...
- Shyamalan: Enough! The only weakness I have is critics like you, constantly pointing out my weaknesses! Now prepare to be Shyamalized! [he holds up his thumb]
- [Critic cowers]
- [Santa Christ resurrects himself behind him, Shyamalan turns round, and then Santa Christ transforms himself into Satan, whom Shyamalan had been impersonating. Critic is shocked]
- Nostalgia Critic: What the Hell?
- Satan: Exactly.
- Nostalgia Critic: So the Devil wasn't really the Devil, the Devil was Santa Christ?!?
- Shyamalan: That sounds needlessly complicated; can I use that?
- Satan: [vaporizes Shyamalan]
Dawn of the Commercials
[edit]- [A mock Milk: It Does a Body Good commercial is shown to show that the kids in these commercials wouldn't really like how they looked when grown up; in this commercial, Doug Walker has a younger sister, played by Rachel Tietz]
- Sister: You may think I'm a shrimp now, big brother, but I'm drinking milk! [Takes a sip of milk and grows a bit taller] Which means I'll grow long hair, beautiful skin... [Takes another sip and becomes an adult] ...and become totally self-absorbed, meaning I won't even think for myself... [Takes another sip and grows older still] ...and instead marry a wealthy millionaire who only wants me for my body. [takes one more sip, after which the glass of milk becomes a comb; her hair is all messed up and she sounds upset] And then I'll feel this emptiness inside that only the miracle of cocaine can cure! [holds the comb to her nose and takes a snort, much to Doug's alarm] And if that's enough, I'll turn to heroin for an even greater high! [suddenly becomes frazzled, with her hair messier than ever] AND THEN I WON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE, AND I'LL WONDER WHERE MY LIFE WENT WRONG! [A noose appears around her neck as she tries to toss it in the air] And then I'll be so jacked up on highballs that I'll try to kill myself in my roommate's closet! [suddenly sobers up and becomes clean-cut] But then I'll discover rehab and realize it was all part of God's plan. [Suddenly becomes frazzled again] But then, I'll relapse and I'll fall right down the slippery slope again! [grabs Doug and shakes him violently] OH JESUS, BROTHER, HELP ME! [Suddenly becomes a homeless bum, stroking a glass of milk] And then I'll die cold and alone, with my only friend: the glass of milk that started it all. [Doug is so scared that he runs off]
- Announcer: [Voiced by Malcolm Ray] Milk: what the fuck?
- Chester A. Bum: [Walking in] HEY! [Kicks Rachel] THIS IS MY SPOT! [Rachel hisses at Chester, sending him fleeing and then goes back to stroking her glass of milk and kissing it]
- [A Canadian PSA is shown featuring women]
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, good. A commercial from Canada, our friendly neighbors from the North. They're always so kind in everything they do. [PSA is themed to a baby shower] Oh, look, a baby shower for an expecting mother. Oh, you got the little girl there and everything, oh, my God. This is going to be adorable.
- Expectant mother in PSA: [Opens present and takes out a whistle] What is that?
- Grandmother-to-be: It's a rape whistle.
- Message on screen: 1 in 2 girls growing up in Canada will be physically or sexually abused.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Sitting there in stunned silence with a big grin on his face] ...WHAT THE FUCK, CANADA? [Shows the PSA again] I mean, talk about an uncomfortable blow to your nads! Is this how you do all of your serious commercials? Start off with something innocent and lighthearted, and then smash it down into cruel, cruel reality?
- Wicked Witch of the West: Dorothy has escaped the castle! Spread out! Find her! FIND HER! [Points to one Winkie guard] Except you. You come here.
- Winkie guard: [Approaching her] Yes, milady?
- Witch: It's been a long day, hasn't it, oh-hee-oh henchman #5?
- Winkie: Yes, milady.
- Witch: And you'd do anything for me, wouldn't you?
- Winkie: Yes, milady. Unless someone half your age were to kill you, in which case I would swear allegiance to her blindly.
- Witch: ...Okay... What do you say I ride your broomstick for a while?
- Winkie: What do you mean?
- Witch: Fill my pointy hat.
- Winkie: Don't follow.
- Witch: POP my ruby slipper!
- Winkie: Totally lost!
- Witch: [Getting irritated] Jesus, do I have to spell it out for you?! I want to have sex with you!
- Winkie: Ohhhh! [beat] Still don't get it.
- Witch: ...I don't have any other words to say. Not one part of that sentence could be interpreted in any other way.
- Winkie: Oh, I think I see what you're saying.
- Witch: Good.
- Winkie: You want me and Henchwoman #12 to hook up? Well, don't worry, milady. I'm still working on it. [Calling out] Hello, Henchwoman #12!
- Henchwoman #12: [Calling back] Still not into you, creep!
- Winkie: She's so into me.
- Witch: Oh, forget it! You're fired! I'm gonna go hit on a flying monkey. [Walks off]
- Winkie: I need a better union.
- [the clip opens with Superman singing his life story]
- Superman: I lost my parents in childhood, grew up a loner that no-one understood, and spent years brooding as an aimless drifter. But through the inspiring words of my father, I'll become a symbol, an icon, a savior to restore hope to those who have none...
- Batman: [interrupting] Uh, you mean like Batman?
- [Superman runs away]
- Superman: I travelled the world, as a bearded outcast, to discover who I am.
- Batman: Been there! Done that!
- Superman: My friends only speak to me in exposition with encouraging words of how important and unique I am.
- Batman: Been there! Done that!
- Superman: If you ask me my life story I would tell it to you out of order and disjointed.
- Batman: Been there! Done that!
- Superman: I often have flashbacks out of nowhere about how important my destiny is.
- Batman: Been there! Done that!
- Superman: I wear a dark, tight costume...
- Batman: Diiiiitto!
- Superman: And a long flowing cape too...
- Batman: I think we shop at the same store!
- Superman: I have a wise father figure who isn't my father at all.
- Batman: [standing with Alfred] Suck my balls!
- Superman: I'm SUPERMAN, I'm the frigging Man of Steel, no-one can do what I can, I am the real deal, I'm the most unique superhero that the world's ever seen,
- Batman: Except for me!
- Superman: I'm mentally depressed, and psychologically tortured...
- Batman: Not special!
- Superman: I have stared into the vast empty void and come out scarred yet responsibly stronger.
- Batman: Same.
- Superman: I reflect, when I'm in my great dark empty fortress...
- Batman: [points at Wayne Manor] Sounds familiar.
- Superman: I try to save people but under my protection the civilian death toll has tripled.
- Batman: [standing before a ruined Gotham] Oops!
- Superman: I'm an awkward nerd...
- Batman: No you're not, you're an emo hunk every woman wants to sleep with!
- Superman: OK, you're right about that.
- Batman: Oooover here!
- Superman: I have a bland yet independent girlfriend who I still have to save most of the time.
- Batman: [shows Rachel being blown up] YOU MEAN LIKE MINE? Listen up twerp, you can't be who I am, you're a speedy pretty boy and I'M THE FRIGGING BATMAN! The dark brooding loner is my thing you see, and Zack Snyder sure ain't gonna take that from me! I'm Batman, better than the Man of Steel! You should know who I am; I'm the OG real deal! I'm the most unique superhero that the world's ever seen, so don't steal my thing!
- Superman: No I'm Superman...
- Batman: BATMAN!
- Superman: ...I'm the friggin' Man of Steel, I do whatever I can, way more than the Batman will, to save the day, I'll do whatever I can, I've even [Zod's image is shown] KILLED A MAN!
- Batman: Whoa-whoa-whoa, JESUS, GUY!
- Zod: I will find him.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Lara] Sorry, didn't quite catch that.
- Zod: I will find him.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, still didn't get it.
- Zod: I will find him.
- Nostalgia Critic: Mm, still not coming through. Tell you what, say it as loud and ridiculously hammy as your cartoonishly large eyes and mouth will allow.
- Zod: I WILL FIND HIM!
- Nostalgia Critic: Now I hear you. No, you won't. Bye!
- Nostalgia Critic: So young Clark saves the bus of kids, which leads to the dismay of his father, Jon Kent, played by that voicebox that sounds like Kevin Costner. Or maybe it's just Kevin Costner, they're pretty easy to mix up.
- Jonathan Kent: We talked about this. You have... Clark, you have to keep this side of yourself a secret.
- Nostalgia Critic: And this, of course, gives way to one of the most controversial parts of the movie: Jon Kent saying he should have let the kids on the bus die.
- Young Clark: What was I supposed to do? Just let them die?
- Jonathan Kent: ... [softly] Maybe.
- Nostalgia Critic: [scoffing] Yeah. What do you gotta say about that, Joe? Joe?
- Angry Joe: [still having a childhood flashback] No, Papa, not the nitroglycerin!
- Nostalgia Critic: JOE!
- Angry Joe: [coming back to reality] Oh. Sorry.
- Nostalgia Critic: The scene where Jon Kent says "Drown the bastards".
- Angry Joe: Hey, hey, he doesn't say "Let them die". He says "Maybe let them die".
- Nostalgia Critic: ... That's much better?
- Angry Joe: Well, it's his way of saying he doesn't know. And that's what's so great about it. Because it mimics real life far more than previous Superman films. It shows that people don't always have the answers. All he knows is that he doesn't want his son to be discovered and hurt. But he never says "Let them die". He says he doesn't know.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yep. Even though there's about a million other ways this problem could have been solved, Jon Kent sacrifices himself because he stands by how Clark should change the world by never doing a goddamn thing.
- Angry Joe: He's just doing what he thinks is right.
- Nostalgia Critic: But it's not right.
- Angry Joe: But he thinks it's right.
- Nostalgia Critic: Does that make it right?
- Angry Joe: Does that make it not right?
- Nostalgia Critic: Not right?
- Angry Joe: Right?
- Nostalgia Critic: Right?
- Angry Joe: Right.
- Nostalgia Critic: Right... [confused] ...What the hell did we just agree on?
- Angry Joe: You see? This movie's deeper than you think. It's raising questions.
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, shut up.
- [Lois is interviewing Superman after he has surrendered himself to the military.]
- Lois: [about his chest emblem] What's the "S" stand for?
- Superman: It's not an "S". On my world, it means "Hope".
- Lois: Well,... here, it's an "S".
- Nostalgia Critic: [imitation fawning-Lois voice] Oooh, I could look at your "S" all day.
- Angry Joe: Really?
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, you've done worse.
- [Clip is shown of an earlier "Angry Joe" review with Joe singing "I-S in Titties" over and ovver.]
- Angry Joe: Dammit. [Nostalgia Critic nods in satisfaction.]
- Nostalgia Critic: You know what? Forget it. Let's just say you win.
- Angry Joe: Really?
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. I'll claim it's Citizen Kane as long as I don't have to watch any more of this dark unpleasantness. It'll probably please half the angry fanboys, too.
- Angry Joe: All right. Score one for Angry Joe. I'm gonna convince you yet.
- [Just then, the transmission is interrupted by static and garbled sounds.]
- Nostalgia Critic: What the hell? You know, how come my show is so easy to hack?
- [More static appears, and the words YOU ARE WRONG are shown. Then silhouettes of Zod appear.]
- Zod: [voice garbled] I come from a world far from you. I have travelled over the ocean of stars to reach... [sighs] Hold on a second. [bangs the edge of the screen, which clears up the picture and sound so he now appears clearly as Zod from the original Superman movies.] Why the hell do we still have dial-up? This is General Zod. I've been watching your little review and am displeased to discover... that you are giving it a positive rating.
- Angry Joe: Yeah, he loves it now. It's, like, one of his favorite movies.
- Nostalgia Critic: [getting nervous] ... Shut up, Joe.
- Zod: Perhaps you're unaware of how many people watch you, Nostalgia Critic. And how much I personally despise the film you are currently reviewing. And how easy it would be for me to rearrange your testicles so that they look like Jackson Pollack droppings.
- [Nostalgia Critic gulps audibly.]
- Angry Joe: That joke's on you, Zod. Once the Critic makes up his mind, nothing changes it.
- Nostalgia Critic: Joe...
- Angry Joe: You can literally rip out his intestines out with an onion peeler...
- Nostalgia Critic: Joe...
- Angry Joe: Or you can suck his eyes out with a vacuum hose...
- Nostalgia Critic: Joe!
- Angry Joe: [getting emotional, reliving a memory] Or you can put him in a lobster costume and hang him upside down over a pit of ferrets injected with venom...!
- Nostalgia Critic: JOE! Surprisingly, this isn't helping. Look, Zod -
- Zod: [writing in a notebook] Hold on, I'm writing that last one down.
- Nostalgia Critic: Zod, the review isn't done yet. I'm gonna watch it all the way through.
- Zod: Very good. And if you don't hate it, I will make sure that the corpse they find of you they will never recognize as a corpse.
- Angry Joe: Hey, that's not fair. Critic, if you go back on your opinion, you're gonna have the whole of the Internet hounding you down like an animal.
- [Nostalgia Critic looks nervously back and forth as Zod and Angry Joe both stare him down.]
- Nostalgia Critic: Can't we all just hate Superman IV?
- [Superman and Lois have just shared their first kiss.]
- Lois: You know, they say it's all downhill after the first kiss.
- Nostalgia Critic and Angry Joe: [together] Who the hell says that?
- Nostalgia Critic: Superman gets him in a headlock, but Zod vows to make what he supposedly cares for most suffer.
- Superman: Don't do this!
- Nostalgia Critic: Even though there's about three or four different ways those people could probably get out of there.
- Superman: Stop!
- Zod: [Nostalgia Critic voiceover] Uh, you have to admit, Supe, this isn't all me. These people are just kind of idiots. [actual voice clip] Never.
- [Superman breaks Zod's neck]
- Nostalgia Critic: Thus we get our biggest controversial moment in all of the movie: Superman breaks Zod's neck.
- [Zod drops dead and Superman lets out an anguished scream]
- Nostalgia Critic: Really? Nothing from you on that one, Joe? Oh. [pushes a button]
- [Angry Joe pops up on the screen]
- Angry Joe: ...and that's how I saved Christmas with a lightning gun! What was I talking about?
- Nostalgia Critic: The controversial neckbreaking scene.
- Angry Joe: Oh, you know, I'm not gonna lie. When I first saw that scene, I hated it. But the more you really think about it, this is a really bold choice. Because ultimately it lets Zod win. It plays again to a young and inexperienced Clark and how he knows his actions will have huge ramifications.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yes, because having the city nuked didn't have enough ramifications.
- Angry Joe: Point being it's a catalyst now for why he will never ever take another life. The fact that he had to do it to one of his own people, one of the last remaining Kryptonians. At that moment, he not only chooses to be human, but he makes the ultimate sacrifice for humanity. And he also makes himself forever alone.
- Nostalgia Critic: I agree.
- Angry Joe: Ha! I knew you'd say that-wait, what?
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah. Surprisingly, the most hated scene by so many fans actually didn't bother me that much. I mean, keep in mind, [clips from Superman II play] we saw Superman kill Zod in the second movie and no one had a heart attack over that. [back to the movie] And on top of that, even though it could've been illustrated better, I like the idea they were going for. That you won't always have answers to situations that are always ethically pleasing. It's actually a very difficult, very hard thing to come to grips with.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Breaking up an argument between Zod and Joe] STOOOOOOOOOP! I think I understand now. Joe, I will never like this movie. I think it's an insult to everything Superman stands for and I will never understand how you can actually like it.
- Angry Joe: Oh nice!
- Nostalgia Critic: But just because I can't see how doesn't mean I can't understand why.
- Angry Joe: Oh, because I'm a blood-hungry psychopath, right?
- Nostalgia Critic: No! I mean you are, but that's not why I think you like it. When I see this movie, I see people dying for the sake of getting violent craving teens in the seats. But that's not what you see. You see one of your favorite superheroes being tested and put through a greater challenge than ever before, and by having him witness and go through so much intensity, it makes his challenges seem greater and his struggle all the more interesting. For you, and probably a lot of people that enjoyed this movie, you're seeing the Man of Steel go up against some of the greatest evil that he's ever gone up against. Because of how much damage he does. So when he rises up, you can feel all the more proud of what a terrible thing he's stopped. It's not craving dark, horrible things like a maniac. It's seeing someone fight against those dark, horrible things. [picture of Superman Returns] And not just by him holding heavy stuff, but by standing up for what he feels is important. I don't see the same thing. But at the very least, that's what you see. So, as long as you're viewing it because you want to see the best of strength and kindness rise up against the worst of oppression and force, all I can say is...go ahead and enjoy it, man.
- Batman: You lasered his balls off?
- Superman: Yep. But at least I didn't kill him.
- Batman: [still astonished]... But you LASERED HIS BALLS OFF!
- Superman: I mean, he had it coming. And I'm surprised he had any to begin with.
- Batman: Jesus.
- Nostalgia Critic: [on Sandler's terrible voice acting for Davey and Whitey] Really is incredible hearing these two completely different voices talk to each other isn't it? It's about as impressive as Christopher Walken voicing all the characters on Popeye.
- [a clip from Popeye is shown]
- Popeye: [voiced by the Critic's brother Rob doing an impression of Christopher Walken] Olive Oyl, let's say you and I have sex and stuff?
- Bluto: [voiced by Walken] Olive Oyl, I also wanna bang you.
- Olive Oyl: [also voiced by Walken] Oh dear. Well, I got a thing for Elephant Man syndrome, so I guess I'll choose you.
- Popeye: Me? [Olive Oyl nods] Okay, well, I'm gonna do this weird thing where I'm naked and then suddenly I'm not. Blow!
- Nostalgia Critic: You just never know it was him the whole time.
- Nostalgia Critic: [shocked by the product placement that appears in this film] Oh my God! [holds up a poster for Man of Steel] Baby, I'm so sorry. I mean, I thought your product placement was the worst, but after seeing this. You go and be subtle, [the poster walks away] I'm gonna suffer through the rest of this.
- Nostalgia Critic: So here's a fun question. What's even more pathetic than having your cast full of unfunny and unlikeable characters? Having a serious death scene acted out by a cast full of unfunny and unlikeable characters! Yeah, they go that route. They actually give Davey a backstory involving his parents dying in a car accident. And of course, this is the reason he's such a jerk to everyone. Yeah, because a movie with shit-eating deer, three-breasted women and an extreme close-up on hairy white asses CLEARLY can segue so easily into heavy drama like this! But to make things worse, I mean the real fucking candle on the cake! Guess who tells the story?
- Whitey: [speaking in a high-pitched voice, as he did throughout the movie] Unfortunately, this fairy tale doesn't have a happy ending.
- Nostalgia Critic: That's right, the backwards squealing pig himself! Fucking Christ, they couldn't even keep him out of the emotional scenes!
- Whitey: Turns out they were on their way to the ball game when a truck hit a patch of black ice and swerved into oncoming traffic. Mr. and Mrs. Stone tragically couldn't get out of the way in time. I couldn't believe something that horrible could happen...
- Nostalgia Critic: Really, guys? Really? Are you really so stupid to think that the voice that only made you laugh when you were two years old, and drunk is the voice you want to deliver such heavy material? Why don't you just have Chris Tucker deliver the bad news while you're at it?
- [cut to the Critic and Tucker]
- Chris Tucker: [portrayed by Malcolm Ray] O-Mi-God! Your parents are dead! One minute they're fine then BOOM! Gone! They blowed up! Gone in a fiery inferno! KABOOM! KFP: Kentucky Fried Parents! Crispy! Extra fried! O-Mi-God, they're gone, gone forever! Like me and Rush Hour 4! Except they didn't make it 'cause Jackie's like a fajillion years old now. But he can still kick my ass! O-Mi-God! Your parents are dead!
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, you know what would be more annoying than Whitey talking with that doornail-in-your-brain voice? Well, how about him singing in that doornail-in-your-brain voice?
- Whitey: [singing] everyone in town will be looking there best!
- Nostalgia Critic: [blood blows out of his ears.] And there went my eardrums! I should be sad, but I'm just happy I don't have to listen to Adam Sandler anymore!
- [as clips from the cartoon "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" are shown]
- The Grinch Narrator: [voiced by Nostalgia Critic] And given the choice between the two of you, I'd choose the-uh... [picture of Davey in rage is shown] Oh, Hell no! I'm going with [cut back to the Grinch] the green guy! At least he didn't make [picture of cover of] Jack and Jill. [singing] That movie was shiiiit!
- Nostalgia Critic: The credits start to roll and I'm blown out of my ass to discover that four people wrote this piece of shit! FOUR PEOPLE?! How the flying fuck do you think that process worked?! "Duhh, we make movie!" [bangs his head on the desk] "We make movie!" [does it again] "We make movie!" [does it yet again] "Duh, I write 'poop!'"
- [cut to the Happy Madison audience, laughing at the poop jokes in the afterlife]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey, how about that? People may die, but stupidity's forever.
- Nostalgia Critic: I'm the Nostalgia Critic, and I have just seen the absolute worst holiday special that I have ever witnessed in my entire life!
The WORST Christmas Special Ever
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: So Mrs. Mavilda bets all the money she has on poker games with her friends, and the kids continue to suffer for it. She doesn't even let them feed the street dog named Licorice, as she tries to have the pound take him away.
- [Licorice breaks loose and the other kids cheer for him. The Critic points a green arrow to one kid on the far right nodding his head like a weirdo]
- Nostalgia Critic: [Laughs] What is up with this kid? The other children are at least clapping and cheering, but he's just rocking his head like a psychopath. [Imitates him] Play some heavy metal music over that! [Heavy Metal music starts up as the Critic starts rocking his head again and holds up his Devil horn hand] I LIKE DOGS!
- Mrs. Mavilda: Come, children. Follow me-another thing!
- Nostalgia Critic: [Reacts] The hell was that?!
- Mrs. Mavilda: Come, children. Follow me-another thing!
- Nostalgia Critic: [As Mrs. Mavilda] I apologize, sometimes my other personality interrupts me-No, I don't-Shut up, Whore!
- Nostalgia Critic: So Judy's kids try to see if they can fit in with the other children.
- [Lily turns around and the other kids smile at them... creepily. The Critic is disturbed by this]
- Nostalgia Critic: [Squirming] Was that supposed to be charming them, or satanically hypnotizing them?
- [The kids' smiles are repeated, but this time, their eyes glow red]
- Nostalgia Critic: But their creepy ass smiles seem to win them over, and they start to know each other better.
- Lily: [Sort of mumbling. These are the best lines I can make out] My teddy bear has only one arm, but my mom says Santa will bring a new arm for him.
- Nostalgia Critic: [Struggling to understand] What?
- Lily: And he will go through the window.
- [Cut to a clip from Rush Hour]
- Detective James Carter: What the hell did you just say?
- Mayor: This year, I've collected more money for the children's Christmas. I've got enough money here to get the children new clothes. [Pause] And still some left for their Christmas...
- Nostalgia Critic: [Smiles in disbelief] Did he just have a Vietnam flashback for a second?
- Mayor: I've got enough money here to get the children new clothes. [Clip of a helicopter during his pause] And still some left for their Christmas presents. Here you go, Mrs. Mavilda. Here's the two bags.
- Nostalgia Critic: My God! He didn't even give the amount, he just said "two bags"! I don't even think he measures the money in terms of numbers, I think he literally measures it in bag size!
- [Scene of the Mayor and a cashier (Played by Rachael Tietz) at a Supermarket]
- Cashier: Mr. Mayor, this check says it's for two money bags?
- Mayor: [Voiced by the Nostalgia Critic] That's right, two whole money bags.
- Cashier: [Confused] Mr. Mayor, I'm gonna need an exact amount in order to accept thi-
- Mayor: [Yelling] I USE MONEY BAGS!
- Cashier: Okay, we'll take the money bags!
- Mayor: Very good, now if you'll excuse me, my ride is waiting for me.
- [The Mayor leaves, driving away in a monopoly car piece]
- Nostalgia Critic: So it turns out Mrs. Mavilda bet all the money and lost it, meaning she can't get any new clothes.
- Mrs. Mavilda: I want to tell you something, and you better listen! I don't want the children playing outside anymore! You better make sure of that!
- Judy: Because you don't want the mayor to see them without new clothes!
- Mrs. Mavilda: How can you dare to... ALRIGHT! And now that you know, you better make sure you don't tell him a thing, or you and your children are out in the cold! [Laughs, then suddenly has a straight face] Now you go get those children back inside…
- Nostalgia Critic: [As Mrs. Mavilda] Before my brain gets taken over by another personality! [Laughs, then suddenly has a straight face]
- Nostalgia Critic: So, she calls her henchman, yeah, she has a henchman, [in an accent] What with the accents and stuffs, [normal voice] and asks him to frame Judy for stealing something of his. But one of the girls hears her and tells the other kids. They all decide that something has to be done.
- Girl: We can't just stay here without doing something!
- Pappy: What can we do?
- Boy: [Obviously has a high-pitched voice] What about your mother? She's also in danger!
- Nostalgia Critic: The hell is that?
- Boy: …the only one that knows where his office is. [cut to another boy] Do you know where his house is?
- Nostalgia Critic: OK... Zortor, your impression of a small human child isn't fooling anybody.
- [The boy's head turns into that of an alien (Zortor)]
- Zortor: Curses! I'll get you next time, pitifully dumb humans! [laughs as he disappears in a flash of light]
- [as Pappy and Lily are searching for the North Pole]
- Nostalgia Critic: But they come across some troubles on their search, like Baloo from the Jungle Book.
- [A bear, which does indeed look like Baloo, chases down Pappy and Lily]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Bear] Bare necessities! Your asses are my recipes! The simple Bare Necessities of DEATH!
- [The bear growls very loudly]
- Nostalgia Critic: Jesus, they couldn't even make it a polar bear. Even [clip of] Santa Claus conquers the Martians got that one right.
- [after Mrs. Mavilda, holding a chainsaw, is struck by lightning]
- Nostalgia Critic: HOLY SHIT! The moral of the story is, don't fuck with Mrs. Hopewell!
- [At the end of the film the Critic gives his final review]
- Nostalgia Critic: This movie sucks balls, people. Merry Christmas.