The Nostalgia Critic/Season 15
The Nostalgia Critic: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17
Quotes from the 15th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2022.
- Johnny Depp: Instead of motion capture, it's kind of emotion capture.
- Nostalgia Critic: [exasperated] Jesus, Hollywood... doesn't appear to add that much.
- Rango: I'm down to one layer of skin already. Pretty soon I'm gonna start seeing my insides, not unlike what you've got going there. [the armadillo's been run over so his innards are exposed]
- Nostalgia Critic: OK, 2011 PG, very different from 2022 PG and I approve.
- Nostalgia Critic: To be fair, though, a lot of the comedy isn't that great early on. It feels like they're trying to capture how kids talked at the time and they just didn't know how to do it, you know, 90% of Disney Channel's live-action programming.
- Nostalgia Critic: Every time Phil Collins sings, I want everyone to look around shouting, "What the hell is that?"
- [Clayton, Jane, and Porter are shown with "Son of Man" playing in the background. Clayton shoots his gun into the sky, causing Phil Collins to fall]
- Nostalgia Critic: Uh...Phil Collins, tell us what to think!
- ["Two Worlds" begins playing]
- Benjamin: You're not hurt, are you?
- Abigail: You are all lunatics!
- Benjamin: Are you hungry?
- Abigail: What?
- Benjamin: Are you all right?
- Nostalgia Critic: Not sure if that's just Cage being Cage or if the movie got early onset dementia.
- Nostalgia Critic: And if you think that sounds like a Marvin Acme creation, the solution might sound like one too.
- Benjamin: Lemons. [Tries to smear it on the Declaration of Independence]
- Abigail: You can't do that.
- Benjamin: But it has to be done.
- Nostalgia Critic: Listen to that dedication. Like he's not about to treat the Declaration of Independence like an appetizer at Olive Garden.
- [Shows the scary scene where a headless Mombi chases Dorothy while the heads all scream]
- Nostalgia Critic: HOT TOASTED GOD! This is right out of a nightmare! Or if not, it will be after it's bulldozed into your nightmares! Parents may need to put on Critters in order to calm them down!
- Nostalgia Critic: Granted, when he's trying to help Sgt. Gordon, played by Gary Oldman, he doesn't exactly have his graceful landing yet. [Bruce fails to leap to another rooftop, with audio from Robin Hood Daffy added]
- Nostalgia Critic: But as everyone has pointed out, that voice.
- Batman: This is just the beginning. If they hit the whole city with toxin, there's nothing to stop Gotham tearing itself apart.
- Nostalgia Critic: Sometimes, it sounds okay, and ironically, it's when it just sounds like Bale's normal voice, which is already a pretty cool-sounding voice.
- Batman: I don't have the luxury of friends. Get these to Gordon. One for Gordon to inoculate himself, the other for mass production.
- Nostalgia Critic: But other times, he clearly needed to re-record when his voice was going or add some bass or...just stop sounding like a geeky dweeb trying to sound tough.
- Reporter: Beware, the image is disturbing.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Bruce] Oh, my God! I died?
- Nostalgia Critic: One of the Bat imposters is murdered, and the Joker will continue to kill every day until Batman reveals himself. [Bruce and Alfred watch a video of the Joker holding another Batman impersonator captive] I don't care if it turns into a found footage movie. This is the creepiest scene in the flick.
- Joker: Look at me. LOOK AT ME!
- Nostalgia Critic: While rehearsing, Caine admitted he forgot his lines because he was so scared shitless of Heath's performance.
- Joker: I'm a man of my word. [Laughs crazily as he kills the screaming captive]
- Nostalgia Critic: Lines, schmines! I'm forgetting I have bladder control right now!
- Gordon: You're not going to hurt my family.
- Dent: Just the person you love most. Is it your wife?
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Dent] It can't be your daughter. We haven't decided if she's gonna be Batgirl in the future or not. We're definitely gonna screw up Robin, but we have to hold out on this one.
- Batman: You don't want to hurt the boy, Harvey.
- Nostalgia Critic: Your mother's in here with us, Karras. Would you like to leave a message?
- Nostalgia Critic: [on Bane's voice] With that said, it is great when his voice breaks and he sounds like a drunk Sean Connery from Red October belching helium.
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, all right, we'll get to that twist later, but for now, he thinks it's Bane, whom the police think they have surrounded, so they literally throw in every cop in the city. Their words, not mine!
- Peter: Every cop in the city's down in those tunnels!
- Nostalgia Critic: [laughing] This is so stupid, it actually looks funny! How can you not laugh at all of this giant city's cops going to one bust? Even the reporters are like, "Are you high?"
- Reporter: We're seeing literally thousands of police heading into the sewers. Mr. Mayor, literally, thousands of police.
- Mayor: It's a training exercise.
- Nostalgia Critic: No, I swear, there was a scene cut from the movie where she says, "Are you high?"
- Vicki: I-I just loved your story, and I like... bats.
- Nostalgia Critic: She said that like she runs a site dedicated to a bat fetish. [shows 2 bats with censor bars and the caption "ILikeBats.com"]
- Nostalgia Critic: [various Joker actors are shown one by one] I actually have a theory that each actor takes something from the previous Joker that results in a positive - [shows Jared Leto Joker] Get out of here! - But also somehow, a unique performance.
- Nostalgia Critic: He knocks some sleeves onto her dress as we cut back to the present day where the Phantasm kills another gangster. And as cool as Stacy Keach's voice is, I don't think anyone can make the name "Buzz" sound scary.
- Phantasm: Buzz.
- Nostalgia Critic: I always want to follow it with "Your girlfriend. Woof." [Shows Buzz from Home Alone's girlfriend]
- Nostalgia Critic: As well drawn as Batman is, usually blending into the shadows, how did nobody notice him here?
- [Batman is visible right outside the window illuminated by a light]
- Arthur Reeves: Remember this place?
- Andrea Beaumont: Sure you mean...
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Batman] TALK LOUDER! No don't look at me, just TALK LOUDER!
- [Bruce and Andrea are implied to have slept together]
- Nostalgia Critic: So after they bat-banged - yeah again, wearing that PG rating like a badge of honor - Bruce makes a discovery looking at an old picture of the mobsters.
Bobbleheads: The Movie
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: I've played Castlevania games where Medusa heads are flying right at you, and they're still not as scary as Bobblehead Cher's convulsions. She says exactly what you think she would say, thinking the mic was off.
Pinocchio: A True Story
[edit]- Nostalgia Critic: With that said, Shore's beautifully tone-deaf obnoxiousness is the stuff of legend. Every line sounds like he's drunkenly trying to climb into the sound booth.
- Pinocchio: Come on, Tybalt! Let's see what it was.
- Nostalgia Critic: It's like one day he said, "Let me do an impression of stoned Snagglepuss," and it lasted him the rest of his life.
- Pinocchio: I've got the whole world to see. Father, tell me, when can I leave to be on my own?
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Bobby Zimuruski] It's the Leaning Tower of Please Stop!
- Nostalgia Critic: He ends up saving the Corpse Bride... No, really, she is the Corpse Bride before she died. But the circus folk can't believe there's a talking wooden boy. Or that he randomly switches accents like everyone else in this.
- Pinocchio: [in a featureless accent] My greetings, sir.
- [The cat shoots Pinocchio in the stomach]
- Nostalgia Critic: JESUS! I mean, okay, if Pauly Shore's voice came out of anything, I can't act like I wouldn't do the same.
- Nostalgia Critic: But Angelica, the only baby everybody is universally okay calling a bitch, says Tommy’s life is over once the baby is born.
- Tommy: My mommy and daddy won't forget me.
- Angelica: That’s what Spike said. Then you came along, and they put him out in the rain and he turned into a dog.
- Nostalgia Critic: Shit. Why couldn’t we see this fantasy instead of the Indiana Jones one? [shows Nina Tucker from Fullmetal Alchemist]
- [The final scene becomes a freeze frame picture]
- Nostalgia Critic: Hey! Dil's a photographer now. Who took that picture?
- Spider-Man (Tobey Maguire): I've been trying to find your friend ever since I got here. I just have this sense that he needs my help.
- Spider-Man (Andrew Garfield): Our help.
- Nostalgia Critic: Uh, if anything, your franchises need his help. [shows posters of Spider-Man 3 and The Amazing Spider-Man 2]
- Air Conditioner: Hey I'm real scared there, Kirby. What are you gonna do? Suck me to death?
- Nostalgia Critic: I guarantee you, Hartman improvised that. This is the guy who wrote for Pee-wee.
- Nostalgia Critic: They realize they're not so safe when a customer asks for a blender motor. This little blender is literally running for his life until he's found and gutted like a snuff film.
- [With gruesome horror-like visuals, Elmo St. Peters unscrews it, then cuts the motor out]
- Nostalgia Critic: This is like Johnny, "Number" 5 getting beaten in Short Circuit 2. If any part of this thing was human this would be a hard R!
- Nostalgia Critic: Something I love about the fact that the customer essentially sees all these things come to life, break through the walls, and has absolutely no reaction to it.
- Zeke the Customer: Just wondering if you got my radio tubes.
- Nostalgia Critic: [as the Customer] Also, hail Satan, I guess.
- Grimble: Some of you will be pickers. Some will be soldiers.
- Nostalgia Critic: Some will be PR repair. [The owl from the Tootsie Pop ad is shown] Figure out how to lick this without biting it!
- Nostalgia Critic: The owls seem to fit in and are even trained in the ways of tracking, navigating, and completely inappropriate song choices. ["To the Sky" by Owl City plays] We are 52 minutes in, and this is the first pop song we're hearing. In fact, it's the first song, period. Unless you count...
- Twilight: [singing] Maimed!
- [Wil Wheaton voices Martin]
- Picard: Shut up, Wesley!
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh, this will all go better when Eric Idle voices him. And, no, I can't promise that's the last Timmy to the Rescue joke and neither would you.
- Nostalgia Critic: Brisby goes to Mr. Ages because her son Timmy is sick, not just because he read the script for the film he's gonna star in, but because he has pneumonia.
- Nostalgia Critic: As you'd imagine, the day is saved as both Brisby and the rats move, Timmy ultimately gets better to let us down in the future, and even Jeremy finds a loved one to make a nest with.
- [Merida does a weird song and dance of joy]
- Nostalgia Critic: Strange thing to do, don't do that again.
- Nostalgia Critic: So get ready, here's the other half of Merida's fighting. [Merida snatches a sword and stops Fergus from killing Elinor] Yeah, it's her dad! And it's about as short as the first one! Now, again, this could tie into the fact that she gives in and goes diplomatic while the mother gives in and goes ass-kicking on Mor'du who tries to kill everyone. But we've seen plenty of the mother being diplomatic but not much of Merida kicking ass. Even when she's confronted by the bear, look at this! [Mor'du pins Merida, roaring as Merida screams in fear] Yeah, I don't think people would get excited [shows a posterized image of Mor'du roaring at the screaming Merida] if the advertising showed what her action scenes were really like.
- [A boy on a toilet gives the cheese touch to the boy next to him; The "awkward boy on toilet scenes" caption, Plucky Duck, and number 3 pop up]
- Nostalgia Critic: Not even fifteen minutes in, and we're up to 3.
- General Abercrombie: Ah... Commercial flight?
- Nostalgia Critic: That's what I was thinking with this animation. This was a commercial for flights, right? Yes, the animation in both the film and series is arguably cheap looking, but now I say that's part of its charm, and I guess I kinda see it.
- [Everyone has received the same letter reading "Dear son/daughter, We have gone to Florida for an extended vacation. Love, your parents"]
- Nostalgia Critic: The next day the kids all see their folks are gone via not very convincing note.
- King Goobot: Time to discipline the naughty children.
- Nostalgia Critic: I too would pay hard money to see how Patrick Stewart looked when he said that line.
- Nostalgia Critic: [when "In the Dark of the Night" abruptly cuts to the next scene] It wanted to start the next scene way too fast. Imagine if another great villain song got that treatment, like "Hellfire".
- Frollo: Burn! [abruptly cuts to the next scene]
- Nostalgia Critic: That just doesn't feel right, does it?
- Dimitri: Anya, please! You have to know the truth! [he somehow cannot get past a crowd of 2 people]
- Nostalgia Critic: [as Dimitri] Guess I can't get past these 2 people, that stopped me good!
- Nostalgia Critic: They decide to get married, go back to live in Russia... [Vladimir Putin is shown] Eh, may want to double think that, and oh, did we forget to write you in?
- Bartok: What, what... So long, everybody.
- Nostalgia Critic: Ha ha ha, looking forward to the spinoff movie where that won't be expanded on. [Bartok the Magnificent is shown]
- Sam: Hello Sam Sparks, I'm America. It's Swallow Falls degrees and, uh... Well, let's just go to the mayor.
- Nostalgia Critic: Man she can barely talk. This job isn't for her. She should go into politics.
- Nostalgia Critic: After he loses the kill code, the fate of the world depends on his dad simply emailing him the code to his phone from a computer, which of course he doesn't know how to do.
- Flint: Use the mouse to drag it. [Tim puts the mouse on the screen and tries to move the arrow] Drag it across the desktop. [Tim literally drags the keyboard across the top of the desk, causing stuff to crash onto the floor]
- Nostalgia Critic: Can I belittle your lawn care? That's something people my age are really good at.
- Nostalgia Critic: Granny's the last one called in and gives maybe not the best intro line.
- Granny: The only crime I've ever committed is making my goodies unlawfully delicious.
- Boingo: Not prison! Not for a cute little bunny rabbit!
- Nostalgia Critic: The same way he's gonna take whatever happens to him in prison- okay, I'm thinking too hard about it... not in that way!
- Nostalgia Critic: Speaking of which, Zooey Deschanel's nightmare eyes are in this too.
- Jovie: [overlaid with horror music] Are you enjoying the view?
- Nostalgia Critic: Oh my gosh, she should have been the scary thing in The Happening! In fact, you're sure these genres weren't switched? [posters for The Happening and Elf switch their respective labels of "horror" and "comedy"]
- Buddy: How can you live with yourself?
- Fake Santa: Just cool it Zippy.
- Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.
- [The "moments that scarred parents because their kids try to reenact it IRL" counter goes to 7]
- Nostalgia Critic: Yeah but that one's pretty funny I'll let it slide.
- Buddy: He's an imposter!
- [He rips off the fake beard, causing the kids to scream and Jovie to give the nightmare eyes. A brawl breaks out]
- Nostalgia Critic: I also dig how these kids are horrified but then start cheering when it gets violent. Again I can see real comedy too.
- [Scrooge meets Belle]
- Nostalgia Critic: He meets up with... I just realized I don't think they ever give her a name in this version, and even though the romance between them is usually rushed in the story, this one still flies by too quick. Again even Daisy at least gets a line in the Mickey one... which wait man, I just realized she's gonna date his nephew after him? [Donald Duck is shown] Damn that chick's vengeance.
- Nostalgia Critic: Scrooge is approached by the Ghost of Christmas Present, who's pretty much Fat Bastard and Jesus on Nitrousoxide. I didn't think I could be out weirded by Lumière's equivalent of Freddy Krueger, but this half baked In Living Color character sure is coming close.
- Nostalgia Critic: Though I do love the songs, sometimes the score can be a little odd. [Jon's car drives out as a bizarre squeaking noise is heard] Did they run over Wheezy's nuts from Toy Story? What was that?
- Garfield: Nice touch.
- [In the next shot, due to poor editing, Garfield is somehow in the crowd watching Garfield]
- Nostalgia Critic: What the hell?! Is Garfield reacting to his own line?
- Buzz McCallister: Trout sniffer.
- Nostalgia Critic: Ah, just like the real language a cop would use.