The Nostalgia Critic/Season 15

Quotes from the 15th season of The Nostalgia Critic, which aired in 2022.

Rango

Rango: I'm down to one layer of skin already. Pretty soon I'm gonna start seeing my insides, not unlike what you've got going there. [the armadillo's been run over so his innards are exposed]

Nostalgia Critic: OK, 2011 PG, very different from 2022 PG and I approve.

---

Nostalgia Critic: She spits out the bullet which cracks the glass...I don't even think the movie cares anymore...and it washes up the bad guys. The snake takes the mayor away in a surprisingly underwhelming climax, and the town is saved.

Tarzan

Nostalgia Critic: Every time Phil Collins sings, I want everyone to look around shouting, "What the hell is that?"

[Clayton, Jane, and Porter are shown with "Son of Man" playing in the background. Clayton shoots his gun into the sky, causing Phil Collins to fall]

---

Nostalgia Critic: And I'm sure a lot of people have said this, but of all the Disney villain deaths, this one leaves a pretty damn big impact with people.

[Clayton's infamous death by hanging himself on a vine is shown]

Nostalgia Critic: Good...damn! This is how you G, 2022! This is how you G!

---

Nostalgia Critic: Uh...Phil Collins, tell us what to think!

["Two Worlds" begins playing]

National Treasure

Benjamin: You're not hurt, are you?

Abigail: You are all lunatics!

Benjamin: Are you hungry?

Abigail: What?

Benjamin: Are you all right?

Nostalgia Critic: Not sure if that's just Cage being Cage or if the movie got early onset dementia.

---

Nostalgia Critic: And if you think that sounds like a Marvin Acme creation, the solution might sound like one too.

Benjamin: Lemons. [Tries to smear it on the Declaration of Independence]

Abigail: You can't do that.

Benjamin: But it has to be done.

Nostalgia Critic: Listen to that dedication. Like he's not about to treat the Declaration of Independence like an appetizer at Olive Garden.

Return to Oz

[Shows the scary scene where a headless Mombi chases Dorothy while the heads all scream]

Nostalgia Critic: HOT TOASTED GOD! This is right out of a nightmare! Or if not, it will be after it's bulldozed into your nightmares! Parents may need to put on Critters in order to calm them down!

Batman Begins

Nostalgia Critic: But as everyone has pointed out, that voice.

Batman: This is just the beginning. If they hit the whole city with toxin, there's nothing to stop Gotham tearing itself apart.

Nostalgia Critic: Sometimes, it sounds okay, and ironically, it's when it just sounds like Bale's normal voice, which is already a pretty cool-sounding voice.

Batman: I don't have the luxury of friends. Get these to Gordon. One for Gordon to inoculate himself, the other for mass production.

Nostalgia Critic: But other times, he clearly needed to re-record when his voice was going or add some bass or...just stop sounding like a geeky dweeb trying to sound tough.

The Dark Knight

Reporter: Beware, the image is disturbing.

Nostalgia Critic: [as Bruce] Oh, my God! I died?

Nostalgia Critic: One of the Bat imposters is murdered, and the Joker will continue to kill every day until Batman reveals himself. [Bruce and Alfred watch a video of the Joker holding another Batman impersonator captive] I don't care if it turns into a found footage movie. This is the creepiest scene in the flick.

Joker: Look at me. LOOK AT ME!

Nostalgia Critic: While rehearsing, Caine admitted he forgot his lines because he was so scared shitless of Heath's performance.

Joker: I'm a man of my word. [Laughs crazily as he kills the screaming captive]

Nostalgia Critic: Lines, schmines! I'm forgetting I have bladder control right now!

The Dark Knight Rises

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah, all right, we'll get to that twist later, but for now, he thinks it's Bane, whom the police think they have surrounded, so they literally throw in every cop in the city. Their words, not mine!

Peter: Every cop in the city's down in those tunnels!

Nostalgia Critic: [laughing] This is so stupid, it actually looks funny! How can you not laugh at all of this giant city's cops going to one bust? Even the reporters are like, "Are you high?"

Reporter: We're seeing literally thousands of police heading into the sewers. Mr. Mayor, literally, thousands of police.

Mayor: It's a training exercise.

Nostalgia Critic: No, I swear, there was a scene cut from the movie where she says, "Are you high?"

Batman

Nostalgia Critic: [various Joker actors are shown one by one] I actually have a theory that each actor takes something from the previous Joker that results in a positive - [shows Jared Leto Joker] Get out of here! - But also somehow, a unique performance.

Batman: Mask of the Phantasm

Nostalgia Critic: As well drawn as Batman is, usually blending into the shadows, how did nobody notice him here?

[Batman is visible right outside the window illuminated by a light]

Arthur Reeves: Remember this place?

Andrea Beaumont: Sure you mean...

Nostalgia Critic: [as Batman] TALK LOUDER! No don't look at me, just TALK LOUDER!

---

[Bruce and Andrea are implied to have slept together]

Nostalgia Critic: So after they bat-banged - yeah again, wearing that PG rating like a badge of honor - Bruce makes a discovery looking at an old picture of the mobsters.

Bobbleheads: The Movie

Nostalgia Critic: And give her credit, she has literally the only funny line in the movie.

Binky: Honestly you're so dumb you put stamps on an email!

Nostalgia Critic: Well you know you can print those stamps at home with time and place. She decides to take a bath first because we need her to do something while Purrbles escapes, which sadly leads to this animation.

[She uses Purrbles to scrub herself in the bath. Critic overlays this with an orgasm clip]

Nostalgia Critic: Please tell me there's a bobble suicide pill waiting for that cat afterwards.

Pinocchio: A True Story

Nostalgia Critic: With that said, Shore's beautifully tone-deaf obnoxiousness is the stuff of legend. Every line sounds like he's drunkenly trying to climb into the sound booth.

Pinocchio: Come on, Tybalt! Let's see what it was.

Nostalgia Critic: It's like one day he said, "Let me do an impression of stoned Snagglepuss," and it lasted him the rest of his life.

Pinocchio: I've got the whole world to see. Father, tell me, when can I leave to be on my own?

Nostalgia Critic: [as Bobby Zimuruski] It's the Leaning Tower of Please Stop!

---

Nostalgia Critic: He ends up saving the Corpse Bride... No, really, she is the Corpse Bride before she died. But the circus folk can't believe there's a talking wooden boy. Or that he randomly switches accents like everyone else in this.

Pinocchio: [in a featureless accent] My greetings, sir.

[The cat shoots Pinocchio in the stomach]

Nostalgia Critic: JESUS! I mean, okay, if Pauly Shore's voice came out of anything, I can't act like I wouldn't do the same.

The Rugrats Movie

Nostalgia Critic: But Angelica, the only baby everybody is universally okay calling a bitch, says Tommy’s life is over once the baby is born.

Tommy: My mommy and daddy won't forget me.

Angelica: That’s what Spike said. Then you came along, and they put him out in the rain and he turned into a dog.

Nostalgia Critic: Shit. Why couldn’t we see this fantasy instead of the Indiana Jones one? [shows Nina Tucker from Fullmetal Alchemist]

---

[The final scene becomes a freeze frame picture]

Nostalgia Critic: Hey! Dil's a photographer now. Who took that picture?

Spider-Man: No Way Home

[Norman uses a rock to smash the Goblin mask into pieces. Critic applauds as an audience cheers]

Nostalgia Critic: You know how much I hated this mask. Dafoe is a lot of fun in the first Spider-Man, but the idea of covering up this face for a character called "Green Goblin" is absolutely baffling to me. You could've given him some makeup or alter him in a way where people wouldn't recognize him, but you needed to see this face. [shows a lyric from "Ode to a Superhero": "He's wearing that dumb Power Rangers mask, but he looks scarier without it on"] Well, they finally listened to the Weird Al song, and they gave him clothes that not only look closer to the Goblin, but also allowed his face to match, too.

The Brave Little Toaster

Nostalgia Critic: I remember liking this movie, okay, but I don't remember anything especially dark in it. Aside from this scene. [shows the Evil Firefighter Clown] NC: And maybe this moment... [Toaster and the group scare Elmo St. Peters] And... [The Air Conditioner explodes to death] And... [The Master screams at the crusher] And maybe this was more intense than I remember.

---

Nostalgia Critic: They realize they're not so safe when a customer asks for a blender motor. This little blender is literally running for his life until he's found and gutted like a snuff film.

[With gruesome horror-like visuals, Elmo St. Peters unscrews it, then cuts the motor out]

Nostalgia Critic: This is like Johnny, "Number" 5 getting beaten in Short Circuit 2. If any part of this thing was human this would be a hard R!

---

Nostalgia Critic: Something I love about the fact that the customer essentially sees all these things come to life, break through the walls, and has absolutely no reaction to it.

Zeke the Customer: Just wondering if you got my radio tubes.

Nostalgia Critic: [as the Customer] Also, hail Satan, I guess.

Legend of the Guardians: The Owls of Ga'Hoole

Grimble: Some of you will be pickers. Some will be soldiers.

Nostalgia Critic: Some will be PR repair. [The owl from the Tootsie Pop ad is shown] Figure out how to lick this without biting it!

---

Nostalgia Critic: The owls seem to fit in and are even trained in the ways of tracking, navigating, and completely inappropriate song choices. ["To the Sky" by Owl City plays] We are 52 minutes in, and this is the first pop song we're hearing. In fact, it's the first song, period.

The Secret of NIMH

Nostalgia Critic: Brisby goes to Mr. Ages because her son Timmy is sick, not just because he read the script for the film he's gonna star in, but because he has pneumonia.

---

Nostalgia Critic: As you'd imagine, the day is saved as both Brisby and the rats move, Timmy ultimately gets better to let us down in the future, and even Jeremy finds a loved one to make a nest with.

Brave

[Merida does a weird song and dance of joy]

Nostalgia Critic: Strange thing to do, don't do that again.

---

Nostalgia Critic: So get ready, here's the other half of Merida's fighting. [Merida snatches a sword and stops Fergus from killing Elinor] Yeah, it's her dad! And it's about as short as the first one! Now, again, this could tie into the fact that she gives in and goes diplomatic while the mother gives in and goes ass-kicking on Mor'du who tries to kill everyone. But we've seen plenty of the mother being diplomatic but not much of Merida kicking ass. Even when she's confronted by the bear, look at this! [Mor'du pins Merida, roaring as Merida screams in fear] Yeah, I don't think people would get excited [shows a posterized image of Mor'du roaring at the screaming Merida] if the advertising showed what her action scenes were really like.

Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Nostalgia Critic: We get the iconic drawings where he looks like a more cancerous Charlie Brown and our opening narration begins.

Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius

General Abercrombie: Ah... Commercial flight?

Nostalgia Critic: That's what I was thinking with this animation. This was a commercial for flights, right? Yes, the animation in both the film and series is arguably cheap looking, but now I say that's part of its charm, and I guess I kinda see it.

---

[Everyone has received the same letter reading "Dear son/daughter, We have gone to Florida for an extended vacation. Love, your parents"]

Nostalgia Critic: The next day the kids all see their folks are gone via not very convincing note.

Anastasia

Nostalgia Critic: While watching the ballet of Cinderella...just assumed that'd be easy to make a joke about, but I'm surprisingly having trouble...Anya and Dimitri find they can't quite say the words they want to say.

---

Dimitri: Anya, please! You have to know the truth! [he somehow cannot get past a crowd of 2 people]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Dimitri] Guess I can't get past these 2 people, that stopped me good!

Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs

Sam: Hello Sam Sparks, I'm America. It's Swallow Falls degrees and, uh... Well, let's just go to the mayor.

Nostalgia Critic: Man she can barely talk. This job isn't for her. She should go into politics.

---

Nostalgia Critic: After he loses the kill code, the fate of the world depends on his dad simply emailing him the code to his phone from a computer, which of course he doesn't know how to do.

Flint: Use the mouse to drag it. [Tim puts the mouse on the screen and tries to move the arrow] Drag it across the desktop. [Tim literally drags the keyboard across the top of the desk, causing stuff to crash onto the floor]

Nostalgia Critic: Can I belittle your lawn care? That's something people my age are really good at.

Hoodwinked!

[Wolf has fallen into a river offscreen]

Nostalgia Critic: [as Wolf] My offscreen fall to save on animation can only go so far!

---

Boingo: Not prison! Not for a cute little bunny rabbit!

Nostalgia Critic: The same way he's gonna take whatever happens to him in prison- okay, I'm thinking too hard about it... not in that way!

Elf

Nostalgia Critic: Speaking of which, Zooey Deschanel's nightmare eyes are in this too.

Jovie: [overlaid with horror music] Are you enjoying the view?

Nostalgia Critic: Oh my gosh, she should have been the scary thing in The Happening! In fact, you're sure these genres weren't switched? [posters for The Happening and Elf switch their respective labels of "horror" and "comedy"]

---

Buddy: How can you live with yourself?

Fake Santa: Just cool it Zippy.

Buddy: You sit on a throne of lies.

[The "moments that scarred parents because their kids try to reenact it IRL" counter goes to 7]

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah but that one's pretty funny I'll let it slide.

Buddy: He's an imposter!

[He rips off the fake beard, causing the kids to scream and Jovie to give the nightmare eyes. A brawl breaks out]

Nostalgia Critic: I also dig how these kids are horrified but then start cheering when it gets violent. Again I can see real comedy too.

A Christmas Carol

[Scrooge meets Belle]

Nostalgia Critic: He meets up with... I just realized I don't think they ever give her a name in this version, and even though the romance between them is usually rushed in the story, this one still flies by too quick. Again even Daisy at least gets a line in the Mickey one... which wait man, I just realized she's gonna date his nephew after him? [Donald Duck is shown] Damn that chick's vengeance.

---

Nostalgia Critic: Okay, Billy, you can stop hiding under the seat. Christmas Carol can't be scary longer than- [The Ghost of Christmas Present turns into a skeleton, still laughing all the while] WHAT ISSUES ARE YOU WORKING THROUGH, ZEMECKIS?! [the Disney opening logo is played]

A Garfield Christmas

Nostalgia Critic: Though I do love the songs, sometimes the score can be a little odd. [Jon's car drives out as a bizarre squeaking noise is heard] Did they run over Wheezy's nuts from Toy Story? What was that?

---

Garfield: Nice touch.

[In the next shot, due to poor editing, Garfield is somehow in the crowd watching Garfield]

Nostalgia Critic: What the hell?! Is Garfield reacting to his own line?

Home Sweet Home Alone

Nostalgia Critic: Yeah okay, let's be real. If a kid had no parents around, the first thing he would do is look up porn.

Max: Alright internet, show me yours. [internet is blocked] Well played, mom and dad.

Nostalgia Critic: Okay I'm adding a star to this movie because you're the first Home Alone to actually address that. [the Playboy scene from Home Alone is shown] Okay two thirds of star.