Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race

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Seasons: 1: Island 2: Action 3: World Tour 4: Revenge of the Island 5: All-Stars and Pahkitew Island 6: Island (2023) | Main | Spin-offs: The Ridonculous Race / DramaRama

Total Drama Presents: The Ridonculous Race is a Canadian animated reality television series which lampoons the conventions commonly found in reality television. The series takes place around the world and features pairs of contestants, rather than teams, in the style of the reality series it is parodying.



None Down, Eighteen To Go [7.01-7.02]


Part 1

Don: [first lines] This is Toronto, the capital of North America, birthplace of funk where the Albino panther roams free.
Albino Panther: ROAR!
Don: Beneath my size-13 brogues, 18 teams are arriving at this historic train station ready to embark on a race around the world. I'm your host, Don. And this is The Ridonculous Race!

[Best Friend's interview]
Carrie: I met Devin in the sandbox and we haven't spent a day apart since. If anyone can win this race, it's us.
Devin: Yeah. I know Carrie so well. It's like we're… [noticing his partner's dreamy look] Uh, what are you doing?
Carrie: Oh…uh, lint check, for the camera! Wohoo, race!

[Sisters' interview]
Emma: I'm studying international law so, that's gonna give us a real edge. Which is good 'cause, we're here to win.
Kitty: And to see the world. Meet hot guys, and have some fun.
Emma: If there's time for that which there won't be so, let's focus on winning, okay? [Kitty sighs] Good.

[Daters' interview]
Ryan: Stephanie and I met at the gym 2 months and 6 days ago, and we've been going steady ever since!
Stephanie: We're so excited! Neither of us has ever traveled before. There's so much to discover like, what do chocolate protein bars taste like in China?
Ryan: I was just wondering that!
Stephanie: No way!
[The Daters start kissing while making out]

[Ice Dancers' interview]
Jacques: We know how to win. We've won gold everywhere.
Josee: Except…the Olympics. He dropped me so we only got silver.
Jacques: [cries] I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! [runs off]
Josee: Jacques! Silver is his least favorite color.

Geoff: [chuckles] Goin' around the world on someone else's dime. Sweet! Hey, Bridgette! Love ya, babe! [interview] My girl and I did Total Drama, but she's surfing her way around Australia right now. So, boom, entré my bud, Brody!
Brody: Yeah guy! Bros forever! G and B for the W-I-N!

[Stepbrothers' interview]
Lorenzo: My dad married his mom last year, but we still hate each other. So they're making us do this. Jerks!
Chet: Don't call my mom a jerk, JERK! [pushes Lorenzo aside]
Lorenzo: Shut your word-hole, JERK! [pushes Chet in return but comes back and starts tackling him]

[Fashion Bloggers' interview]
Jen: Hey-hey, to all our blog followers out there! Wish us luck!
Tom: I bet "Jen we could win the race", but I didn't think she'd actually take it up on me.
Jen: I put my mind to something and it happens.

Don: Ellody and Mary. Scientific geniuses who say they will use their winnings to support the science community.
[Geniuses' interview]
Ellody: Astrophysics is underfunded. Reality shows offer monetary prizes. Conundrum solved.

Don: Welcome, contestants! This is the starting line for your 26-part race around the world. Each part ends at a Chill Zone. Get there fast, because the team to stand on the carpet of completion, may be cut from the competition. But the first team to reach our last Chill Zone, will win…$1,000,000!
[The contestants all cheer in excitement]

Geoff: Hey, who pushed all the buttons?
MacArthur: Gotta take the stairs.
Sanders: Or, we could just wait.
MacArthur: Hustle!
Jen: [shrugs] Meh. This'll probably still be faster.

Sanders: Thighs on fire. So…queasy.
MacArthur: So you're one of those skinny-fat people who can't climb ten flights of stairs without spewing chunks huh? What do you do? Yoga?

Don: As most of the teams continue to climb or wait… and wait… and wait some more, the Fashion Bloggers are first to reach the observation deck, but the scare might be too much for them.

Kitty: [enjoying the breezy wind] THIS IS SO COOL!
Emma: Focus! This is life or death.
Kitty: Come on, look at what we're doing, it's incredible! I feel so alive!
Emma: Yeah. Make sure they put that quote on your gravestone.
Jen: Promise me you'll never let go!
Tom: NEVER! Can you believe people pay to do this?
Laurie: We're doing this for you, Mother Earth! Don't kill us!

Ellody: Well that was illuminating. [interview] Based on the splatter, the wind velocity was 45 knots. Twenty more, and we'd be splattered.

Carrie: Zipline? I always wanted to do that!
Gerry: Zipline? I never wanted to do that!

Don: The teams have arrived, and the flights have been booked. Flight #1 will carry Father & Son, Best Friends, Daters, Police Cadets, Ice Dancers, and the Reality TV Pros. Flight #2 carries the Sisters, Vegans, Fashion Bloggers, Mom & Daughter, Rockers, and Geniuses. And Flight #3 has the LARPers, Goths, Surfer Dudes, Adversity Twins, Stepbrothers, and Tennis Rivals. Who will win the next jaunt in our race? Tune in next time to find out. The Ridonculous Race…is to be continued!

Part 2

Mickey: Sanitizer?
Jay: No need. I made a point of not touching anything. Juice?

Chet: [on the telephone] Your plan won't work, Mom. We're not gonna become friends, because Lorenzo is a poo-head, that's why! Can't you just divorce his dad?
Lorenzo: Hey, is that my dad?
Chet: No, my mom!
Lorenzo: [swipes the telephone out of Chet's hand] DAD! YOU'VE GOTTA DIVORCE CHET'S MOM!!!
Chet: Quit it!
[The Stepbrothers start fighting over the telephone]
Lorenzo: Let go!
Chet: MOM!
Lorenzo: DAD!

Don: Morocco. Originally named Italy until it was discovered there already was an Italy. Home to scorchingly hot foods, as well as scorchingly hot deserts. Flight number one has just landed. Now the teams need to find the Don box, and collect their next travel tip.

Laurie & Ellody: Cumin, cinnamon, paprika, saffron, ginger.
Ellody: That was surprisingly elementary.
Laurie: I know, right?
Don: As more teams reach the spice kiosk, flight #3 has finally arrived in Morocco. They'll need to hurry if they hope to catch any of the teams already in search of the culinary.

[Vegans' interview]
Laurie: Our camel benefit was beautiful. And deserts are really hot. If we win the million, we're a launching a stop riding camels campaign.
Miles: "Take hikes, not humps."
Laurie: Or, we could call it something else.

MacArthur: I can't take this heat. Someone turn off the sun.

Miles: [to the LARPers] Take hikes, not humps!
Laurie: Okay, that slogan is really growing on me. [interview] Miles and I became friends when we met at an anti-meat meeting.

[Brody and Mary eat their stew bowls while their partners watch]
Geoff: When I first met Brody, he was eating a cat's hairball on a dare. Ha ha. It was pure awesome.
Ellody: I met Mary at an engineering student's potluck dinner. We both brought pie chart pie. [giggles] We're quite whimsical.
Geoff: Ha ha, pies.

[Chet is about to retch after seeing Owen eating a camel's drool]
Lorenzo: Do not spit that out, Chet, or we'll lose! [interview] My dad is a motivational speaker, and has taught me everything there is to know. Swallow! Do it! DO IT!
Chet: [swallows] My barf is actually less spicy than the stew.
[Crimson, Spud, Emma, and Jay all retch to prevent from throwing up as the LARPers and Vegans arrive]
Leonard: We have to eat our own barf?
[A camel retches and pukes on Miles]
Laurie: [gasps in surprise] Real organic camel munch!

Carrie: NO, i think we're maybe lost. [a bird flies in Carrie's hand] Aw, (snickers)

Lorenzo: We're done!
Chet: [holding his stomach in pain] Oh, I don't feel so good.
Lorenzo: That’s 'cause you ate puke, puke-eater!
Chet: You’re a puke-water watcher!

[Leonard and Tammy both got eliminated because they stopped to use "magic" to slow down the two remaining pairs but ultimately failed and were the last team to arrive to the Chill Zone]
Don: The Ridonculous Race is about skill, it's about determinization. It's not about magic. You're done!
Tammy: Time reversal spell! [throws confetti]
Don: Security!

French Is An Eiffel Language [7.03]

Don: Yesterday's Chill Zone is today's starting line. Teams depart in the order they arrived, starting with yesterday's winners, the intriguingly "platonic" Best Friends.
Devin: [reading the tip] Aw, sweet! Looks like we're going to Paris!
Carrie: [gasps in surprise] No way!
Don: Paris, France. Home of the Mona Lisa, tiny coffee's and other things that annoy me like you wouldn't believe. [Cut to him standing at the top of the Eiffel Tower] Once in Paris, teams must make their way here, to the Eiffel Tower and find their next tip.

Miles: We walked our camel through the desert yesterday instead of riding him, so that way he can stay hydrated.
Laurie: And today, we're pedaling our moped so we don't use its fuel. [gasps in realization] I wish there was a way we could give this moped to our camel, right?

[The Ice Dancers are the first to reach the Eiffel Tower]
Josee: We made it!! Whoo! [screams as the Police Cadets crash into them from behind]
MacArthur: Nailed it! [gets a tip first the Don box] Huh. It's a Botch or Watch.
Don: In this Botch or Watch, whoever didn't eat the stew Morocco must draw a caricature of their partner. When this local French artiste approves of the drawing, they'll receive their next tip.

Devin: [as the artiste rejects the Best Friends' caricature] What do you mean "no?" She got an "A" in art last semester. [the artiste shows him the drawing of himself laying down with a six-pack] Oh, I see! It's too realistic.
[Carrie blushes, not knowing what came over her]

Kitty: Emma's always been the serious one, but ever since her boyfriend, Jake, broke up with her two years ago, she's been super-
Emma: [covers her sister's mouth] Fine. I've been super fine.

Ennui: This place could be an amusement park or a camp for kids.

MacArthur: Well, if it isn't the smiling silvertons.
Josee: [kicks the cheese out the way, revealing the next tip, in sign form] I hate silver!
Jacques: [reading] "Take your cheese and sail away to where Mona Lisa's on display."
Sanders: The Louvre!
Don: The Louvre-- home to many paintings I was asked to stop touching.

Josee: Bye! You stink worse than this cheese float!
MacArthur: Too bad you forgot your oars!
Jacques: Darn it!
Josee: Jacques, you were supposed to get the oars!

Laurie: The thought of coming last made us realize that we needed to step up our game.
Miles: Yeah, we were super charged up.
Gerry: [as the Vegans pedal past him and Pete; surprised] How is that possible? We're athletes. They eat bird seeds and dust!
[The Vegans are then seen eating bird seeds and dust during their interview]
Laurie: Pass the bird seeds.
Miles: You want some dust on that?

[Although it initially seemed like they tied with the Reality TV Pros, the Tennis Rivals got eliminated after Don pointed out that Gerry's foot wasn't fully on the carpet of the Chill Zone]
Don: Reality TV Pros, your penalty is up!
[The TV Pros and Tennis Rivals jump into the Chill Zone carpet at the same time]
Gerry: It's a tie! We all stay!
Don: Not quite. I'm afraid you're going home.
Pete: What? Why?!
Don: Your foot wasn't completely on the carpet, it was just out.

Mediterranean Homesick Blues [7.04]

Don: Yesterday's Chill Zone was the Louvre, which is today's starting point. Teams will start in the order they finished, starting with yesterday's winners-- [The Ice Dancers walk up instead of the Police Cadets; halts them] Whoa, whoa, whoa. Yesterday's winners go first, icecapades.
MacArthur: Yeah, relax, silver streak!
Sanders: Wait your turn!

Sanders: [takes a tip from the Don box] "Take the train to Calanque de Maubois on the Mediterranean coast, and search the station for your next travel tip." Let's go!
Don: [voiceover, a map displays the northern part of France with Paris indicated by the Eiffel Tower, a dotted line travels to the southern part of France] Teams must take the train south to Calanque de Maubois. Calanque de Maubois skirts the Mediterranean south of France with sand so fine you WANT it to get in your shorts. The Red Cliffs are just one of the many sites that make this a popular tourist spot. (Cut to the beach; in a speedo) Did I mention that the beaches are awesome? Because they ARE. [A crab pulls on his speedo and releases it; yelps in pain]

Lorenzo: I took the subway, he took a taxi.
Chet: Can you tell Lorenzo that the time he wasn't with me was the best part of the trip so far?
Lorenzo: Oh, yeah?! Please tell Chet, that before he was in my life was the best part of my life so far!

Dwayne: [grabs a tip from the Don box] It's a Botch or Watch. Whose turn is it?
Junior: Yours. What's the challenge?
Brody: [reading] "Who Wants to Swim With…" [gasps in horror] SHARKS?!
Don: In this Botch or Watch challenge, whoever didn't draw the caricature in Paris must swim to this part of the Mediterranean, and retrieve a travel tip from the dorsal fin of a great white sh- [screams as a shark pops out from the water; shaking his fist] Uh… Try that again, and you'll get a taste of this! Huh? Wanna dance with the widow-maker?
Sanders: "Note: Eaten teammates will result in disqualification." Wow, they really thought of everything.

Geoff: My grandma used to tell me that if you swim in a shark's mouth, you got to keep on swimming.

Miles: If we win the money, I'm gonna start a charity dedicated to the preservation of the long misunderstood ocean creatures. [pulls the travel tip off the shark's fin; the shark snarls and chases after her as she screams while swimming for her life; interview, annoyingly covered in scratches] I'm totally scratching sharks off my preservation list.

[As the Stepbrothers fight over who gets to drive the speedboat]
Lorenzo: Fine! We'll switch every 12 seconds!
Chet: One Mississippi, two Mississippi…
Lorenzo: You're counting too fast!

[Don penalizes Father & Son for 20 minutes due to Dwayne reading the travel tip while drowning]
Don: Dwayne, Junior, you're the first to arrive at this Chill Zone.
Dwayne: Ha-ha! Yes! We are the best.
Don: Unfortunately, you broke a rule when you read the travel tip before reuniting with Junior on the beach.

[The Geniuses finish writing their calculations on the sand to build a sand sculpture of the Palace of Versailles]
Ellody: 373,996 cubic yards, done. Now to build a perfect model with our data. [the wave washes over the sand, washing away their calculations] OUR DATA!!
Mary: We'll have to wing it.
Ellody: I never wing! [grips hold on Mary's shoulders; freaking out] I DON'T KNOW HOW!

Geoff and Brody: Never…say…DIE!

[The Geniuses got eliminated because spent they too much time planning to build their Palace of Versailles sand sculpture of working on it, to the point that they failed to leave for Iceland by the time the next-furthest team reached the Chill Zone]
Don: [riding a helicopter, calling to the Geniuses below] Ahoy, Geniuses! I'm afraid the other teams have reached the Chill Zone! You are out of the race! I'm in a helicopter! This is so cool! [flies off]
Ellody: How ironic. Our strength in urban planning was also our downfall.
Mary: That just proves how flawed this show is. But, we played our part.
Ellody: I suppose geniuses aren't always as smart as they think.
[The Geniuses laugh hysterically while leaving the beach]
Mary: You told a joke?
Ellody: I did.
Mary: Wonderful.

Bjorken Telephone [7.05]

Don: The geysers of Geysirskil are part of an active volcano field tucked under a skimpy 20 centimeter layer of selicious center. Whatever that is. Sounds dangerous though.

Sanders: There's the Don box!
Vulk: [gets a tip] It's an All-In. "Broken Icelandic Telephone?"
Don: For this All-In, teams need to hold down the button on this speaker box to hear me say, "Please give me my next travel tip" in Icelandic, with perfect pronunciation. [presses the speaker button; through speaker, in Icelandic language] Vinsamelast gefðu mér mina travel ábending. Then they must run across the geothermal field of hot springs, and repeat the sentence to this Icelandic local. [exclaims in disgust to the dress] Sweet sister of ducks, what are you wearing? Say the sentence right, you get the next tip. Say it wrong, and you have to go all the way back to hear the sentence again.

Josee: [in Icelandic] Vinsamegast gefðu mér mina travel ábending. [the local gives them their next tip] "Take the helicopter to Skaftafell National Park, and find the next Don box."
[The Ice Dancers board the helicopter while they wait]
Don: The Ice Dancers have the lead, but now they'll have to wait. The helicopter will only depart once six teams are aboard.

Devin: [shivering while freezing] This reminds me of, um, last winter when Shelley locked me out of the car for buying her the wrong kind of tea.
Carrie: He got frost bite and nearly lost three toes over a tea? He deserves better than that. A rabid goat deserves better than that.

Crimson: [after saying the Icelandic sentence correctly] Most of our favourite bands are from Iceland, so, yeah, we speak a language.

Chet: [scoffs] I had the first half of the sentence, [shoves Lorenzo] you were supposed to remember the second half!
Lorenzo: [shoves Chet in return] Other way around, butt stain!
[The local annoyingly shoves them both; Stepbrothers' interview]
Chet: That girl is so into me.
Lorenzo: You wish. She's into me, jerky.
Chet: As if! You're dreaming!
Lorenzo: You're the one who needs to wake up!

Ryan: I memorized the first half, Stephanie took the second half.
Stephanie: We share everything… except french fries. If he ever touches my fries… KA-BLAM!

Emma: Vinsamlegast… gefðu… Uhh…
Kitty: [finishing up] …mér mina travel ábending.
Emma: [annoyed] You interrupted me and almost ruined our chances.
Kitty: But I got it right.
Emma: Yeah, this time you did. Lucky us. Next time you try to help, don't help.
Kitty: Okay.

Kelly: [in Icelandic] Vinsamlegast gefðu mér mina travel ábending.
Taylor: Wow, way to not ruin everything for a change. [Kelly takes the tip and runs off to the helicopter, ignoring her] Oh, my gosh, Mom, don't sulk. It was a compliment, hello?

Geoff: [stuffs a feast piece in Brody's mouth during the Either/Or challenge] We got this. [interview] Feels weird to feed Brody like he's a little niblet. But, it's a team challenge. The guy is a human trash can. He'll eat anything.

Ennui: I'm so excited. 1st place. Wow. I could pee myself.
Crimson: [briefly looks down] You just did.

[Don penalizes Mom and Daughter for one hour due to Taylor making Kelly go back through the geyser field by herself to repeat the Icelandic sentence as they reach the Chill Zone]
Don: You're 7th! But you've earned a one-hour penalty. Please step aside.
Taylor: Wait, what?
Don: After getting the Icelandic sentence wrong, you were both supposed to go back through the geyser field, but only Kelly did.
Taylor: [groans in frustration] Way to go, Mom! I sat around waiting for you so long my butt fell asleep, and now we get a penalty? You ruined my life.

Don: Father & Son, you are the 8th team to arrive.
Dwayne and Junior: Woo-hoo!
Laurie: Wait, that's our fossil!
Junior: I knew something was wrong.
Dwayne: [sighs and pushes the fossil] Fine. Here you go.
Don: No sharesies. [to the Vegans] You'll have to try again.
Laurie: But…
Don: Don't care.
Laurie: But…
Don: Don't care.
Laurie: But…
Don: [walks off] Don't care.
Laurie: [to Dwayne; furiously] The Goddess of Karma will GET YOU FOR THIS!!! [interview] I don't normally allow myself to experience negative emotions, but I'm sure my aura is very purple right now.
Dwayne: [interview] Not the first time I've been cursed. Luckily, I don't believe in goddesses or karma, so I think we're all good.
Miles: We'll never be able to reiki another fossil in time.
Laurie: Then we'll have to… eat the feast.
Miles: [horrified shock] WHAT?!

Rock: [interview] Eating that stuff was like, the hardest thing ever. Other than like maths, or getting my driver's license.
[Vegans' interview]
Laurie: I can't believe I just did that. There are animals inside me right now. And I'm pretty sure they don't want us to come in last.
Miles: Mine once out right now. [farts and falls off her seat as she belches]

Don: Carrie, Devin, 13th! Rockers in 14th!
Spud: [relieved] Phew.
Don: Well, my little meat-eating vegans. You are the last team to arrive.
Laurie: [interview; sobs] So many animals. I just ate so many animals!
[Miles takes out a bucket to puke in]
Don: But this is a non-elimination round! You get to stay!
Laurie: [gasps in shock; outraged] I ate animals for NOTHING?! [starts attacking Don with fury]

Brazilian Pain Forest [7.06]

Don: Here in Iceland, yesterday's Chill Zone is today's starting line. And yesterday's winners, the Goths are first to get a travel tip.
Ennui: [getting a tip] Huh. Brazil.
Don: Sunny, sunny Brazil. Home to bossa nova music, makers of fine coffee, and other things that keep me awake at night. Teams will travel here on these chartered planes. The first eight teams take a direct flight, the last seven will arrive two hours later, 'cause they're on the milk run. [Animals sounds are heard from the second plane] Literally.

Don: In a stunning reversal, yesterday's winners now look like losers, as plane #2 is in the air, on its way to Brazil.

Laurie: [freaking out in turmoil] I ate the sheep's head so we could stay in the game! But the non-elimination meant I didn't have to. [breaking down with guilt] I DIDN'T HAVE TO!
Miles: [slaps her in the face, snapping her out of it] Okay, you need to calm down. What happens in Iceland, stays in Iceland, okay?
Laurie: [sighs as her breath scent almost made Miles retch] What? What?!
Miles: I'm sorry, it's just that… your breath smells like sheep head. [sniffs] Does anyone have a mint?!

MacArthur: [reading the tip] It's a Botch or Watch.
Don: In this Botch or Watch, whoever didn't swim with sharks in the Mediterranean must try and perform a Brazilian write of passage, and stick their hand inside this mitt full of venomous bullet ants to retrieve their next travel tip. [throws a turkey leg in the mitt] This is insane!
Kitty: Bullet ants?
Emma: Little known fact, the pain caused by their venom can last 24 hours.
Kitty: [disappointed] Oh, great.
Mickey: I've been bitten by venomous creatures so often, I've developed an immunity! Last year on a school trip to Seaville, a box jellyfish sat on my head like a hat! [He and Jay try to high five but they miss] We don't high five much, it's pretty new to us. [Jay accidentally smacks him and he bumps into Laurie, causing her face to fall into the mitt and get bitten by the ants] I am so sorry!
Laurie: [slurred voice] No, no. I-I deserve that. [the other teams react in horror at her swollen face] What? What's wrong?
Miles: Um, nothing. [takes the tip off Laurie's head] Okay. "Feeling divine? Then swing your butts to the coconuts."
Don: [swinging across the gorge on a vine] Teams must cross this gorge by any means necessary, and then search for their next tip, hidden in these piles of coconuts.
Laurie: Sounds good to me. Let's go!

Emma: What happened to our no-alliance agreement?
Kitty: I don't form an alliance, and I never agreed to your agreement.
Emma: [scoffs] Kitty's in favor of trusting our competitors.
Kitty: And Emma doesn't trust anyone since Jake broke up with her.

[As the Vegans swing across the gorge on a vine…]
Laurie: [screams] Ah, the wind hurts my face! [they slam into the other side of the gorge] Now the cliff hurts my face!

[Spud sticks his hand in the mitt to get the tip and gets bitten and swollen by the ants, but doesn't scream in pain; Rockers' interview]
Rock: Spud's got a delayed reaction to everything, including pain. So I don't expect him to feel those hundreds of excruciating bites, for like, two hours. Then he'll be all like, "Yow!" and then like, "Oooh!" and then like, "YOW!"
Spud: Uh, what are you talking about?

Josee: [takes a tip from the Don box] "Botch or Watch." You're up, Jacques. Get the tip!
Jacques: [sticks his hand in the mitt, and screams as the ants bite] It stings like missing gold in Vancouver if I have a point! [interview] Arriving late to Brazil means we had to up our performance.
Josee: Like the way I did in the Olympic Trials.
Jacques: [agreeing] Yes, like the way we did that.

Don: In this All-In challenge, one team member has to make a headpiece, the other a tail, worthy of walking the parade during Carnival. When this local approves of their handy work, they'll get their next tip.
MacArthur: Piece of cake. [interview] I know how to make costumes. I went Trick-or-Treating as a beat cop for 10 years straight.
Sanders: Seriously? Every year?
MacArthur: Well, one time I mixed it up and went as a parole officer, so, yeah.
Don: The lady cops take the lead, and back at the bullet ants, teams from plane #1 are still botching-or-watching.
Geoff: [after getting both his hands bitten by the ants] I pump iron. So, once righty started swelling, I just had to switch to the left. Symmetry is what bodybuilding's all about.
Brody: Dude, your mitts are ripped!
Kelly: [to her daughter while grabbing onto a vine] Hop on, and hold on! DO IT!
Taylor: Mom, stop. You know screaming makes your neck waddle.

Ennui: [getting a tip from the ant mitt and his hand bitten] Ow.
Crimson: Don't be so dramatic.

Miles: I'm gonna use some of my winnings to starts a support group called, "the Closet Vegan Society." For vegans like Laurie who've lost their way.
Laurie: Hey, I didn't want to eat the meat. I thought I had to.
Miles: Did you have to lick the plate?
Laurie: [losing her temper] I thought what happens in Iceland, STAYS in Iceland!

Stephanie: [scolding Ryan while they climb up the cliff after falling into the gorge] I said, "Let's use a vine, that tree's about to crack!" But did you listen? No!

Owen: [after swallowing a coconut in whole] It's okay! I got it down.
Noah: Great. Let's wait eight hours and see if there was a tip in that one. [pokes Owen in the stomach with a stick]
Owen: Ow. You got me right in the coconut.

MacArthur: [as the local rejects their second costume] It's called being creative!

Jacques: Tell me again what happened?
Josee: I told you, a monkey jumped down from a tree, picked up a coconut and threw it at you.

[Goths' interview]
Crimson: [in her all-pitched-black Carnival costume] Bright colors are for people who are trying to make up for the fact that they lead sad, monotonous lives.
Ennui: Yeah.

Miles: I had to take control of the team if we had any chance of finishing the challenge today. Laurie could hardly see because those mean ants turned her face into raw meat.
Laurie: Mmm…
Miles: Uh, I'm sorry, what was that a yummy sound?

[The Vegans are the first to reach the Chill Zone]
Laurie: Yes! Yes! From last place to first in one day!
Miles: We deserve it.
Don: No, you deserve a 30-minute penalty, which you're getting.
Miles: Why?! We won fair and square!
Don: Each one of you were supposed to make a component of the costume, but Miles made both of yours. [Laurie groans in dismay and Miles mopes in disappointment and they step aside as the Ice Dancers leap onto the carpet] Ice Dancers, you're in 1st place!
Josee: [blows a kiss] Yes! In your face, Veg- [screams terrifyingly at Laurie's face and so does Jacques]

[Due to Laurie's injuries from the bullet ants, Miles made both elements of the costume which broke the instructions of the challenge; The Vegans then got eliminated while suffering a 30-minute penalty and by the time it has ended, every other team had surpassed them]
Don: Rockers in 14th! Second-last place! Well, tofu break, ladies. You've been cut from the race. Maybe you can get a job at a tempeh agency. Soy long.
Miles: [disappointed] All our plans for the money.
[The Vegans walk sadly away as they're departed]
Don: Now that the last truly unselfish players have been eliminated, things are gonna get ugly. Next time on The Ridonculous Race.
Miles: That millions dollars would've helped so many causes.
Laurie: I know. And I ate meat. [weeps]
Miles: Your heart was in the right place. Not the one you ate. I mean, your heart. The one inside you. Like as they're both inside you. But, I mean the-
Laurie: Please. Stop talking.

A Tisket, A Casket, I'm Gonna Blow A Gasket [7.07]

Crimson: Why do I have this strange feeling?
Ennui: I fear it might be… happiness.

Stephanie: Ryan has voiced some concerns about how "competitive" I've been getting, but we reached an understanding.
Ryan: [clears throat] I need to try harder so that Stephanie doesn't feel the need to be constant and lone motivator.
Stephanie: [blows a kiss, hugging him] We are so going to win this.

Crimson: Okay, Dracula was the first goth ever. He was our king. To be here is… I just… I can't. I'm so…
Ennui: Hey, that was close. You almost got color in your face.
[A wolf howls out of nowhere off-screen]

Carrie: So, you do a fashion blog? That is so cool! Which one of you guys started it?
Tom and Jen: [in unison] I did.
Tom: No, I did.
Jen: I did.
Tom and Jen: [in unison] I did. I did!
[Fashion Bloggers' interview]
Jen: Okay. You typed it up, but it was my idea, so I was the creator and you were more like… a secretary.
Tom: I'm sorry. What?!

Ennui: [holding a portrait] Doesn't Vlad look striking?
Crimson: I see the similarities.
Ennui: Stop. You'll make me blush.

Tom: I hope there's enough room for your giant head and all your great ideas in there.
Jen: [annoyingly gets in the coffin] It'll be nice to have you carry me for a change.
Tom: The only change is that this time, you're in a coffin. [pushes down the coffin]

[The Ice Dancers reach the Gymnastic Training Center and get a tip from the Don box]
Jacques: It's a Botch or Watch. Ah! Gymnastics!
Don: Gymnastics. Nastics that take place in a gym. Whoever didn't face the bullet ants in Brazil, must perform two gymnastic feats.

[Don receives the Goths a 10-minute penalty due to Crimson forcing Ennui to switch places duing the coffin challenge]
Don: You're in 6th place. Or would be in 6th place if you hadn't broken the rules with the coffin. 10-minute penalty!
Crimson: Totally worth it.

[After finally completed the Botch or Watch, the Fashion Bloggers got eliminated because they were after 13 remaining teams]
Don: I'm sorry, you're out.
Jen: [sadly] Aww…
Don: But these are very in. [camera zooms out, revealing him wearing a fez hat]
Tom: I wouldn't call this a failure in anyway. We so kicked butt.
Jen: We nearly died so many times on that skywalk, on that geyser field, oh, and on that vine, but we totally did it.
Tom: Yay us!
Jen: Doing this race is a huge test to see of how strong your friendship is, and I think we did great.
Tom: Greater than great.
Jen: There sure are a lot of…bats, all of a sudden.

Hawaiian Honeyruin [7.08]

Josee: [reading the tip] "Take a donkey cart to Bucharest and fly to… Hawaii!"
Don: Hawaii! Home of beautiful sunshine, ukeleles, and shirts that should only be worn ironically. Once teams land, they'll need to find this Don box. [notices it in Hawaiian-themed; unamused] Ha-ha-ha, very funny. Was that you, wardrobe?

Chet: Ugh! This donkey reeks.
Lorenzo: He said the same thing about you.
Chet: Pfft, a talking donkey? Yeah, 'cause that's possible.
Lorenzo: It must be possible. 'Cause you're talking right now. Booyah! Call me when you got a comeback.
Chet: Lorenzo is a poo-head!
Lorenzo: Oh yeah? Chet's a tool!
Junior: How old are those two?
Dwayne: Ah, never mind them. Some people just don't appreciate quality family time, eh, right, sporto?
Junior: Uh, yeah, mm, sure, dad.
Taylor: You're so lucky you got to bring your dad.
Dwayne: Oh, I'm the lucky one. I bet doing this trip with your mom is pretty awesome too though, right?
Taylor: Not really.
Kelly: Taylor's more of a… daddy's girl.
Taylor: Daddy and I have loads in common. Like, we both love being successful, and we both hate avocado.

Emma: While trying to encourage Kitty to drive into the bay, I brought up the pool to our grandmother's condominium.

Ennui: Leaving Romania is tough. But leaving Romania to go to a tropical paradise full of sunshine and happiness? [he and Crimson both sigh in dismay]

Stephanie: OPEN YOUR EYES! Our donkey is going way slower than the other ones, it wants us to lose! [interview] I'm not too competitive.
Ryan: [clears throat] Yes, you are.
Stephanie: Are you okay, sugar-plum? I just wanna win, and this is a competition. So, yeah, [gets up] when things get tense, we can't hold back! [walks closer to the camera, inch-by-inch] We gotta dig deep, work hard, give it everything!

Kitty: [getting a tip from the Don box] It's a Botch or Watch. "Whoever didn't do gymnastics in Romania has to go diving for wedding rings?"
Don: In this challenge, botchers must dive into Hawaii's most popular wedding bay and retrieve one of the rings from the bottom.
Owen: [reading] "Then swim to the beach at the tip of the bay to meet your partner."

Josee: [screeching to a stop, realizing something] Something doesn't feel right. [gasps] Oh, no! Bun-bun! Where's Bun-bun?!
Jacques: It's okay. We don't need a rabbit's foot. Like you said about my underpants, it's just a silly superstition.
Josee: Okay, take off your lucky ditch, then. [Jacques runs off] That's what I thought!

Josee: [grabbing a tip] It's an All-In. "In this Hawaiian wedding ritual, teams must walk on…" UH!
Don: Fire! Technically, coals.

Don: Geoff, Brody, congratulations. You're today's winners!
Geoff: Awesome!
Brody: Yes!
Geoff: I love you, man!
Brody: I'd marry you all over again.
Don: I love weddings.

Ennui: [as Crimson makes her Hawaiian grass skirt all dark black] She only wears black. Even if it's grass, it must be dark grass.

Don: [Goths at the Chill Zone] 10th... [Rockers made it] 11th... [Mon and Daughter] 12th place.
Kelly: Well, honey. It wasn't pretty, but--
Taylor: You need to step your game up, mother! For serious!
Kelly: We're a team, Taylor.
Taylor: I know you aren't used to winning, like me. But maybe you need to follow my example more, because--
Kelly: [snapping annoyingly] You've never won anything in your life, Taylor! Never! Not one race, not one medal, NOTHING!
Taylor: Wait, what?! My room is full of trophies and medals!
Kelly: Because your dad bought a trophy store! What kind of trophies come in the mail? And guess who paid your coaches to lie? Yep, daddy.
Taylor: Beauty pageants. I won beauty pageants! You can't fake those!
Kelly: [chuckles smugly] Oh, honey. When you have enough cash, you can fake anything.
[Taylor gasps in horror]
Don: The coals were hot, but that was cold.

[After finally completing the challenge, the Daters now become Haters as they're the last team to show up at the Chill Zone, though Don pointed out that it's a non-elimination round]
Don: Ryan, Stephanie, I'm sorry. You are the last to arrive.
Stephanie: NOOOOOOOO!
Ryan: We're eliminated? Great. 'Cause Steph, you're eliminated from this. [flexes]
Stephanie: You're breaking up with me? On national television?
Don: International, actually.

Hello and Dubai [7.09]

Don: Or as it's more commonly known… Dubai! An oasis of luxury, man-made islands, and a mall so big, even teenagers get lost. Once here, teams must bus to Burj Al Arab, the world's only 7-star hotel, to find the next Don box.

Stephanie: Seriously? You're giving me the silent treatment? Oh, ho, ho, two can play that game. I'm the Queen of Silent Treatment. I've got a whole lotta quiet to drop on you.
Ryan: Pfft, I look forward to it.
Stephanie: You just wait, mister.

Jacques: One time, I was late picking up Josee from practice, her mom attacked me with a lamp.
Josee: I don't miss that lamp.
Jacques: Or her mom.

Mickey: H-h-how much longer is this flight?!
Taylor: We're still on the ground, you babies!

Josee: Forged from lava, this stone embodies my fiery determination to win! (laughs evilly)
Jacques: You mean "our" determination to win?
Josee: Hmm? Oh, yeah. Sure.

Emma: [gets a tip from the Don box, reading] "Find the Chill Zone in the Gold Souk." The what?!
Don: The Gold Souk. Just a normal plaza where everything is made of gold. To reach the Chill Zone inside this shop, teams must travel here in taxis… some of which are gold, literally. They really like their gold here.

Kelly: [tired out] There. All done.
Taylor: Took long enough. [looks down and notices some bird poop on her boot; disgusted] EW! There's bird poop on my boot! Ugh. [rubs the bird poop on her mother's shoulder sleeve] There. Totes better.
Kelly: [gasps in shock; enraged] Do not treat me like a doormat!
Taylor: You were all sweaty and gross, anyway. Why should we both suffer? [Kelly pushes a lever, sending her up high as she screams] Don't just stand there like an old mannequin, help me!
Kelly: No. I'm giving you a time-out.
Taylor: You can't do that, I'm your daughter.
Kelly: Well, that's how it works. I won't help until you apologize.
Taylor: You're in for a long wait.

Don: [as the Ice Dancers approach the Chill Zone] Welcome to the Chill Zone. You've come in 3rd, again. [Jacques and Josee gasp in shock] Kidding! The twins got here way before you.
Jay: Me and Mickey took one of the non-gold cabs. They're a lot faster.
Jacques: You mean we're 4TH?! We didn't make the podium at all?!
Don: What podium? There is no podium.
Josee: There is always a podium!

[Kelly and Taylor got eliminated because they went shopping in the Dubai mall long enough for the Best Friends to check into the Chill Zone before them]
Kelly: I hope I never touch another camel, but I loved Paris. I can't believe how good your drawing was.
Taylor: I know, so good. I can't believe your upper body strength. I need to see your trainer like, yesterday.
Kelly: You know, it's funny. We entered this race to win more money. But we ended up getting something we actually needed.
Taylor: Speaking of which, if we're gonna shop more, I'll need you to double my allowance.
Kelly: Oh, Taylor, I'm cancelling your allowance.
Taylor: Wait. What?

New Beijinging [7.10]

Kitty: "Find your next tip at the world famous Bird's Nest Stadium." Never heard of it.
Don: Well, it's right here, in Beijing, China! Home to 25,000,000 people. Oddly enough, we see none of them.

Josee: EAT THE PAIN! And smile!

Carrie: Uh, I'm not sure if I can-- [about to barf]
Devin: I-It's okay. Relax. I'll eat it. You just skewer up some worms and-- [Carrie runs off and vomits] I can't even say worms? [Carrie vomits again] When we were kids, her sister dared her to eat… [covers Carrie's ears; quietly] a worm. She did it, and then she barfed for six days straight.
Carrie: [holding a bucket to throw up in] Were you talking about…worms?
Devin: Yes? [Carrie throws up in the bucket] Yeah, I walked into that one.

Ryan: Cooking up something disgusting for someone you love is so hot. But when it comes to not in love… [looks down at Stephanie] Man, is it fun?

Spud: My mom calls me a light eater, which means that I start eating as soon as the lights are on.

Josee: How are you feeling?
Jacques: I can't feel my face!
Josee: Good. [feeds the street food to Jacques to eat it] Done! We're in first place! [gets the tip] It's a Botch or Watch, "Who ever didn't look for rings in Hawaii…"
Don: Must pull their teammate by rickshaw all the way here, to the Great Wall of China. Using only their unimentally map. Last team to find the Chill Zone hidden somewhere along the wall and check in, could be checking out.
Jacques: Orivwa!
MacArthur: Hussle!

[Haters' interview]
Stephanie: Ha! You're lame cooking couldn't slow me down.
Ryan: Whoo, baby! Cockroach breath! [chuckles]

Noah: [panting] Hot! Hot! Hot!
Emma: I know it's a race, but don't be gross!
Noah: [mouth full] Sorry! Ah… I'm so sorry.
[Emma runs off and barfs in Carrie's bucket]
Carrie: That's my bucket!
Kitty: [to Noah] Dude, you are so bad at this.
[Noah sighs depressingly]

Stephanie: Stop hitting every bump on PURPOSE! [starts to barf]
Ryan: I could've taken the smoother road, but I decided to go with the one that's most like our relationship. Cracked, twisted, and falling apart!

I Love Ridonc And Roll [7.11]

Don: Last episode's Chill Zone sits atop the Great Wall of China. That makes it today's starting point. And last episode's winners are the first team to grab a tip.
Ryan: You gonna tell me what it says?
Stephanie: You gonna let me read it? [interview] We can't quit now. The prize money's like our children. We're staying together for the kids.
Ryan: I heard they're changing our name from the Daters to the Haters.
Stephanie: Hey, go for it. My hate for him won us the last round, so today, I plan to hate him even more.
Ryan: I couldn't hate her more if I tried. They might as well just give us the money right now.
Stephanie: [reading] "Fly to Oulu, Finland."
Owen and MacArthur: Finland?
Don: Finland. This European country is home to countless coffee drinkers, cellphone users, and the most saunas per capita, which is where the teams are headed. Here, to this Don box of the piping hot sauna's Apena Pilei Spa. Why suffer in the cold…when you can suffer in the heat?

Noah: [grabs and reads a tip] "All-In: Finish Spa Day. Teams have to sit the dry sauna…"
Owen: Awesome!
Noah: "…fully clothed at the highest heat for 10 minutes."
Owen: [with his shirt off and puts his pants back on; chuckles uncomfortably] Less awesome.
Don: Each spa hut has just enough room for two teams, and the 10-minute timer doesn't start until both teams have crammed inside.
Noah: "After the sauna, collect a tip from the next Don box by crossing the semi-frozen river."

Rock: Almost time to jet.
Spud: Uh, sweet. 'Cause this heat is getting to me. It looks like those two are melting.
Rock: Dude, relax. They're totally not-- whoa! Those two are melting!
[The Goths look at each other, noticing their makeup melting and gasp in horror]

[As the Goths reach the other side of the semi-frozen river, their makeup is fully washed off, and scream horrifyingly at each other, and their reflections]
Ennui: My face!
Crimson: Don't look at me!
[They both cover their heads with paper bags during their interview]
Ennui: We've only been dating for three years, so naturally, we've never seen each other un-gothed.
Crimson: I feel like a dead body that washed up on shore, but in a bad way.

[The Reality TV Pros, Sisters, and Adversity Twins arrive at the stage in downtown Oulu]
Owen: [stepping out of the taxi] Cool! I wonder who's playing.
Noah: [grabs a tip from the Don box] Uh, we are.
Mickey: It's a Botch or Watch.
Emma: "Teams must battle it out in Finland's national sport, air guitar." Psh, air guitar? For real?!
Don: For very real. Performances will be judged by this applause meter. Get the crowd into a maximum frenzy, and teams can rock on over here to today's Chill Zone. Bottom out, and it's back to the end of the line to try, try again.
Kitty: "Whoever didn't pull the rickshaw in Beijing must perform here."
Noah: Uh-oh.

Devin: Crimson? Wow! Your skin is so flesh-colored.
Carrie: I love your hair.
Crimson: You're throwing a lot of positive emotions my way, and I don't know what to do with that.

Eunni: Step aside. We're here to rock.

MacArthur: We're allowed to fart? Why didn't anyone tell me?!

[The Adversity Twins got eliminated because they didn't make it to the Chill Zone before 11 remaining teams]
Don: Twins, you raced hard, and overcame a lot of issues no one has ever heard of. But, I'm sorry. You're out.
Jay: We gathered that. We didn't win, but I'm proud of us. Our doctor said we'd last a week, our physiotherapist said a day, our gym teacher just laughed and laughed.

My Way Or Zimbabwe [7.12]

Spud: [reading the tip] "Go to Helsinki Airport and catch the next flight to Zim-bab-wee?"
Don: Located in southwestern Africa, Zimbabwe has stunning flora, exotic fauna, and majestic scenery. Once teams land, they have to drive here… to Victoria Falls, which is nearly twice the height of Niagara Falls. Hear that, North America? Your waterfalls are getting owned!

Stephanie: Taxi! Taxi!
Ryan: I can do this without your help.
Stephanie: Can you really?
[Haters' interview]
Ryan: There isn't much we agree on anymore.
Stephanie: I agree with that.
Ryan: Pfft, yeah, right. You're just trying to make me look dumb.

Josee: Jacques is mad at me.
Jacques: I'd like an apology.
Josee: Why should I apologize? Obviously, I didn't know it was bad luck when I took it from the island. Ugh!
Jacques: Apology accepted.
Josee: Thank you.

Dwayne: Africa. Wowzers! I've always wanted to go on a safari.
Junior: Yeah, this is seriously cool. I just wanna get up and see if--
Dwayne: Ah, ah, ah, you stay on that keister mister. Seats are for sitting.
[Father and Son's interview]
Junior: My dad still treats me like I'm 5. But I'm practically a man. Check out my chest hair.
Dwayne: Where?
Junior: Right there! I-I mean, it's blonde, so, you know, it's hard to see in this light.
Dwayne: Uh huh.
Junior: It's there, trust me! [walks away angrily]
Dwayne: [chuckles] Kids.
Junior: I am not a kid!

[The Haters try to drive pass the Police Cadets but they keep blocking their way]
MacArthur: Why aren't you two making out anymore, huh? Got tired of the… [makes kissing noises]
Sanders: Okay, that's really distracting. Just sit there and navigate.
MacArthur: It's a little something I like to call strategy.

Stephanie: Get in the boat.
Ryan: Let me finish my apple.
Stephanie: Get…in…THE BOAT!
Ryan: You wouldn't.

Junior: [humming a tune while laying back as another raft bumps in from behind, thinking it's his dad] I knew you were going to catch up-- [realizes it's the Haters instead] Oh. Uh, hey.
Ryan: What's up, kid? Where's your dad?
Junior: We got separated. And the family rule is, if you get separated, go to your destination. Uh, do you mind if I tag along?
Ryan: Oh-ho-ho. You don't wanna get in this boat. Stephanie might hit you with an oar and shove you off a cliff!
Stephanie: Are you still talking about that? "Ryan, Ryan, Ryan!" Get over it.
Junior: How did you guys manage to get a selfie? [Stephanie tosses him their camera] Wow. That's impressive.
Stephanie: Ha! You hear that? Impressive!
Ryan: He doesn't know any better. He's just a child.
Junior: Actually, I've got a chest hair, so…
Stephanie: So he's already more of a man than you, Ryan.
Don: While most of the other teams have already started the rhino challenge, our last place Ice Dancers have finally landed in Africa.
Josee: Out of our way, sky waitress! We're in a race!
Stephanie: Well, I only boss you around because you have no leadership skills, guts, or common sense.
Junior: So, uh, thanks for the lift.
Ryan: Please, I saved us from elimination way more often than you have.
Junior: Uh, but I should go…
Stephanie: Are you insane?!
Ryan: I must be. I was dating you!
Junior: Maybe find my dad…
Stephanie: Why do you have to remind me? I'd already blocked that out!
Junior: Anyway, you're not listening, so… [runs off alone leaving the Haters to continue their argument] Good luck… With everything. I don't like to judge, but those two probably shouldn't have kids.

Don: Photos check out. 1st place to the Police Cadets, 2nd to the Surfer Dudes! [both teams cheer; inspects the photos; to Geoff] Geoff, one question: How do you keep your hat on while plunging over the world's highest falls?
Geoff: [interview] White Stallion Glue. Will hold, mold, and won't cost you gold.

[The best friends and Junior run straight to the chill zone]
Don: Carrie and Devin, you're in 4th place. Junior, I'm sorry, but both team members must be present before you can be counted.
Junior: My dad's not here? Uh-oh.

Shawshank Ridonc-Tion [7.13]

Sanders: We're going to Australia! Yes!
Don: Australia, home to the unique Sydney Opera House, Ayers Rock, and disturbingly cute koalas.

Josee: The purple was too friendly. The black screams, "Get out of our way!"
Jacques: And wash us with similar colors.

Don: [through PA] Attention, teams. This is a boomerang! Find one attached to your travel tip and you can use it at the next Don box to send another team back to repeat the last challenge.
Josee: I want one!
Sanders: If we get a boomerang, we need to be smart and really--
MacArthur: Use it on the Ice Dancers.
Sanders: No. Assess the situation and pick the team that we feel--
MacArthur: Or the Ice Dancers.

Devin: [reading the tip] "Stop in at Geelong maximum security."
Don: Geelong Prison closed in 1991. But during its 146 years of operation, it was the most brutal and violent lockup on Earth. Now it's an extreme travel hot spot! As teams arrive, they'll be throw into cells. Each cell is equipped with four methods of escape: tunnels, trap doors, hidden tools, or bars. Once they break out of their cell, they're free to make their way to today's final Don box, here on the Barwon river. Boomerangs can only be used here. After they pass this point, the boomerang expires. And, as a special bonus treat…
Junior: [reading] "First team to today's Chill Zone gets to make a phone call home." Cool, we can call Mom.
Dwayne: Or better yet, order a pizza. [Junior points to the camera; clears throat] Eh, b-but of course, you know, I'm joking. Ha, ha, I love your mother just as much as pizza. M-More than. W-Way more than pizza.

Emma: Number one or number two?
Owen: Two! But it had the consistency of…
Stepbrothers: [farther up ahead] Number one!

MacArthur: Hey, once you're up there, if you double-cross us, I'll make you pay.
Jacques: Pfft. You don't scare me.
MacArthur: [pulls him down and grabs him by the collar; threateningly] I'll break your limbs, tie you into a knot, and throw you off a cliff.
Jacques: Okay, that actually does scare me.

[As the Best Friends are first to reach the Chill Zone, Devin calls Shelley, who she then dumps him, leaving him heartbroken and upset]
Devin: Shelley? Oh. Thanks, Ashton. Ashton's her tennis instructor, he's just getting her now. Shelley! Hi! It's me, Devin. I miss you so much… Whoa, whoa, what? No! We never broke up. Y-You're dating who?! Ashton?! No! Please, Shelley, don't! Wait! [Shelley hangs up and Don takes the phone away from him] No, no, I need to call her back!
Don: Sorry, one phone call only. So, how's the girlfriend?
Devin: [griefly] She's dumped me… for her tennis instructor! [starts sobbing hysterically]
Don: Whoa, the tennis instructor? That never happens.
Carrie: Maybe I should tell him now? Or, I'll wait for him to stop sobbing.

Down and Outback [7.14]

Ennui: I never want to see any of those fluffy balls of lame again.
Crimson: It's weird, though. How could something so cute destroy a whole continent?
Ennui: They're like a plague. A happy, hopping wave of famine ... and ... death. [turns around and spots a black bunny peeking out from the bag. Ennui's eyes slightly widen.]

[Don congratulating Josee and Jacques on skill and good sportsmanship]
Ice Dancers: What?
Don: Kidding. Your win is highly suspect. I just don't care enough to look into it.

Spud: One day, Rock's mom will kill him.

[The Stepbrothers got eliminated because they lost to the Rockers in the race to the Chill Zone after their glider was destroyed by a kangaroo and they got buried in an avalanche. The Rockers also got eliminated because they beat the Stepbrothers in the race to the Chill Zone, Don remembered that the leg was a double elimination round, and thus the Rockers were eliminated as well]
Don: But, before we wrap up, I have a special announcement to make. Today's episode…is a double-elimination round! The Rockers are also going home!
Rock: WHAT?!
Spud: Aw, man. Drag.
[The Stepbrothers both laugh]
Rock: [imitating buzzer] Why'd you waste time reviewing footage if you were just gonna boot both of us?
Don: Because I forgot, obviously.
Rock: Getting kicked off was lame, but I'm proud of Spud. At first, I was all, "Dude!" And then I was all, "[gasps] No way!" And then I was like, "WHAT?!"
Spud: Thanks, dude. Maybe we'll win this thing.
Rock: We just lost.
Spud: Oh, yeah, right.
Rock: I really coulda use the million.
Chet: You guys wanna come over and play Rock Storm on our Gamebox?
Rockers: Yes!
Lorenzo: Nice!
Chet: Sweet.

Maori Or Less [7.15]

Don: Teams must climb a dangerously steep path to this train station, then take an historic ride through New Zealand's lush mountains all the way up to Decision Junction, where their next tips are waiting.

Don: Trains number one leadas with the Haters, Goths and Ice Dancers.
Junior: Ah, puss buckets!
Dwayne: Language, Mister!

Don: Who's next to go? Will it be Mother & Son?
Dwayne: Hey!

Little Bull on the Prairie [7.16]

Josee: [reading the tip] "Go to Head-Smashed-In Buffalo Jump."
Jacques: Huh? Buffalo? Is that a place or a threat?
Don: It's actually a little of both. It's located here, along the foothills of the Rocky Mountains in Alberta, Canada. Head Smashed In Buffalo Jump was going to be called Concussion Valley, but the name was already taken. Teams must fly to Lethbridge, Alberta, then drive to this spot to receive their next travel tip.

Geoff: [getting the tip] It's an All-In. "Tip Your Hat, Split your jeans, and Eat Like a Cowboy by All Means."
Don: Working together, teammates must eat an entire pot of pork and beans. At the bottom of the pot, they'll find their next travel tip.
Geoff: Whoa!
Brody: My fave food to nosh on is totally pork and beans, dude!
Geoff: I can scarf most things. Brody's got an iron stomach with the taste buds of a dude that doesn't have any taste buds. We're golden.
[The Haters enter the restaurant and see the Surfer Dudes already chowing down]
Stephanie: See? Dude advantage. But we're in 2nd, so all's not lost.
Ryan: Only our love for each other. [he and Stephanie high five]
Stephanie: Exactly. [looking down into the pot; horrified] Beans? Beans?! BEANS?! I'm not usually a picky eater, but beans are the grossest food on the planet and should never be consumed by human beings, ever. That's it.
Ryan: [clears throat] Chicken.
Stephanie: What was that?

Crimson: [interview] This place reminds me of my grandmother's farm house. I've spent a lot of summers there.

Geoff: [reading the tip] It's a Random Botch. "Whoever isn't holding the tip, has to ride the mechanical bull."
Brody: There's a mechanical bull?!
Don: The Bull Buster 3000, the most dangerous mechanical bull in the world.

MacArthur: A disgusting amount of pork and beans? FOR FREE?! WOHOOOO! [hogs it all for herself, Sanders tries to scoop some] Get your own pot!
[Cadets' interview]
Sanders: Someone has a bit of a sharing problem.
MacArthur: You're right, and I forgive you.
[Multiple screenshots of teams eating pork and beans, and at the end of the screenshots the Ice Dancers have a stomach full of pork and beans]
Jacques: A-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho-Ho…

Emma: [looking at Noah still looking depressed while eating] Maybe it's just a coincidence he, you know, went into a state of shock and despair, the moment I broke up with him. [to her sister] Can you just agree with me at least?
[Kitty sighs]

Ryan: Come on, babe. You can do this. You're stronger and scarier than anyone I know. Take a deep breath. [Stephanie breathes heavily] That's it. Just… [Stepahnie drops the spoon and starts gagging; sighs] You know what? Maybe you can't do it. Maybe you're not as strong as I thought. You're not a winner at all. But a… LOSER!
Stephanie: [gasps in shock, picks up the spoon, and scarfs some beans] I… am not… a loser!
[Haters' interview]
Ryan: As a certified trainer, I know how to motivate people who lack confidence.
Stepahnie: [placing her hands on her gut, trying to hold her vomit in] I'm confident. These beans aren't gonna stay down, ugh, much longer. [vomits]

MacArthur: [interview; impressed by Owen's big rumbling fart with Sanders wearing a gas mask] Man, can that guy airbrush his boxers?

Stephanie: There. I did it.
Ryan: Excellent. Now, grab the tip.
Stephanie: Why don't you grab the tip?
Brody: [pained] I wish I could've taken the tip, and you'd be the one ridding the bull.

[Father and Son got eliminated because, they were last one after eight teams]
Dwayne: Oh, I can't be too obsessed. The race has really changed Junior and me. My son's going home a man.
Junior: And thanks to his new tattoo, my dad is going home a woman. [chuckles]
Dwayne: Yeah, I'm gonna grow a beard.
Junior: Probably for the best.
Dwayne: Hey, you wanna go home and binge-watch Total Drama Pahkitew Island?
Junior: Only if we can laugh until soda squirts out your nose.
Dwayne: Of course we can, son. Of course we can.

Lord of The Ring Toss [7.17]

Geoff: Cool, we're flying to the Arctic Circle!
Brody: Awesome! Circles are my favorite shape, dude!
Don: The Arctic Circle, home to the world's harshest climate, whitest animals, and favorite storybook characters. Teams must fly here by Cessna, two teams per flight, to get their next tip. And they'll be chilled to the bone to find out there's another boomerang in play. Find this attached to your tip, and you can make another team repeat the first challenge. Just our way of adding some, "Oh, that's cold." to the cold.

Stephanie: Second doesn't win a million bucks. We've only been first once because you keep dragging us down!
Ryan: Me? You're the one that wouldn't eat any beans.
Stephanie: Whoa, whoa! Look who's playing the blame game!

[Best Friends' interview]
Carrie: You know, the Goths really kicked butt in Alberta. Think we should try to form an alliance with them?
Devin: Alliances are just invitations to get stabbed in the back. You can never really know anyone. As soon as you think you do, wham! They rip your heart from your chest and they eat it.
Carrie: Okay, so… is that a no?
[Goths' interview]
Crimson: You were so friendly with the Besties. You practically smiled.
Ennui: They're survivors, like us. I felt a kinship.
Crimson: Do we try to form an alliance?
Both: No.

[The Haters and Surfer Dudes reach the Don box when they arrive in the Arctic Circle]
Brody: Oh, it's a Botch-or-Watch! I rode the bull in Alberta, so this one is you!
Geoff: [reading] "Find a ring somewhere hidden in the snow and toss one onto a narwhal." Ah, narwhal, ha.
Brody: So what's a narwhal?

[Haters' interview]
Stephanie: Everytime Ryan finally manages to do something right, the whole world has to drop everything so we can all celebrate his "major achievement."
Ryan: You know what? You're a joy-vampire. You… [imitates sucking sounds] suck the joy right out of everything! If I had a time machine, I'd go back to our first date, and slap myself.

Stephanie: Ugh. Pull over and let me do this. You drive like an old lady.
Ryan: [exasperated] Can you please stop insulting everything I do?
Stephanie: [mocking Ryan] "Can you please stop insulting everything I do?"
Ryan: Real mature.
Stephanie: "Real mature."
Ryan: [mimicking Stephanie] "Pull over, and let me drive."
Stephanie: I do not sound like that.
Ryan: "I do not sound like that."
Stephanie: Stop it!
Ryan: "Stop it!"
Stephanie: Ugh!
Ryan: "Ugh!"

Ryan: Great. Now the Goths are ahead of us! Way to blow our lead! Why can't you do something right for a change and use the boomerang?
Stephanie: I boomerang Ryan!
Ryan: [shocked] WHAT?! We're on the same team!
Crimson: [interview] It's sad when love turns to poison. That's nice.
Don: [going through the rule book] The rules don't say anything about being unable to boomerang themselves. So I'll allow it. But since it's a Botch-or-Watch, this time, Stephanie has to ring the narwhal.
Stephanie: Great. Now I can show Ryan how stupid easy it is to put a hoop on a giant fish.

MacArthur: I used to hate mammals. But this narwhal is pretty cool.
Sanders: Uh, we're mammals.
MacArthur: I know.

Ryan: We'd be finished already if you hadn't boomerang…
Stephanie: Are you still talking about that? Ugh! Ancient history.
Ryan: If we don't finish this igloo, we'll be Ancient history. [interview] If we end up being eliminated after everything that happened-- the fighting, the break-up, the boomerang, I'm not sure our relationship will survive it.
Stephanie: I know.

Stephanie: You need to cut faster!
Ryan: [cutting fast] I'm going as fast as I can!
Stephanie: Put those perfectly sculpted muscles of yours to work!
Ryan: Stop yelling your beautiful flawless face-off at me. Here.
Stephanie: Thank you. I need three more blocks to finish the baby's room.

Got Venom? [7.18]

Stephanie: Did I boomerang my own team? Yes, but it was Ryan's fault.
Ryan: Yes, Stephanie.
Stephanie: You had it coming!
Ryan: Yes, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Mr. I'm-King-of-the-Ring-Toss.
Ryan: Yes, Stephanie. [Stephanie screams in frustration and storms out of the interview room] I finally figured out how to one-up Stephanie… just agree with everything.

Brody: We're flying to…Flores, Indonesia.
Geoff: [shudders] I hope it's warm there.
Don: Oh, it is. Flores, Indonesia is packed with beautiful empty beaches, majestic mountain ranges, and ominously silent jungles. Teams must fly to Flores, then take taxis to the Don box in this village. How do the locals keep tourists away from this island paradise? Nobody knows. But, it might have something to do with the Komodo dragon problem.

Geoff: It's an All-In. "How to Milk Your Dragon." Whoa. We have to do what?
Don: That's right. Just when you thought these beasts were harmless, it turns out their saliva is loaded with venom. Teams must collect one vial of Komodo drool, and hand it to this kid to get their next tip. [screams as a Komodo dragon pops up next to him] That said, try not to get bitten. In case you do, side effects may include: headache, dizziness, and being eaten by a Komodo dragon.

Brody: Booyah! One cup of doom drool!
Don: Hold on. [swipes the vial out of Brody's hand and examines it] This is extinguisher foam! [throws the vial aside] Try pulling another fast one like that, and you're out of the race! [threateningly points to the Surfer Dudes] Got it?
Brody: [frightfully] Who could've replaced our venom with extinguisher foam?

[Loki stands on a tree branch and throws acorns at a Komodo dragon, waking it up; the dragon tries to catch Loki and holds onto the tree and starts drooling; the Goths put a bucket next to the dragon to collect its drool, and stand behind a bush]
Ennui: That's it, drool.
Crimson: [interview] Loki doesn't know fear. [the dragon smells her and Ennui's deodorant, and runs away] Yes. Smell your defeat.
[Ennui fills up the vial of Komodo drool from the bucket; the Ice Dancers pop out of the bushes watching them]
Josee: That is one B-A-D (bad) bunny.
Jacques: Well, that plan backfired. And much faster this time.

Stephanie: [holding onto a tree] Help!
Ryan: [going through a magazine] Yes, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Was this your plan?
Ryan: Yes, Stephanie.
Stephanie: Get a giant lizard to eat me?! [screams in unbridled rage and snaps a branch stick off the tree and uses it to bash the Komodo dragon in the head rapidly; Ryan gasps; points the tree branch stick at him, threatningly] Scoop some drool, or you're next.
Ryan: I'm not afraid of Steph, or her dumb stick. And I don't need her to tell me what to do.
Stephanie: [chasing after him] Hurry up, drool boy!

Don: The Goths take 1st place!
Josee: What?! Silver again?! This race is fixed! [screaming angrily while swaying their loom rug back and forth, hitting Jacques; interview] I can't believe those pasty-faced freaks took gold! Oh, I'll bet they're just LOVING it!
Crimson: [interview] We won.

Noah: We're gonna be in last place.
Owen: Oh, no. Chewy's drooling in his sleep. [gets Komodo drool in his eye] THE VENOM'S IN MY EYE! [farts, waking up the dragon; the dragon coughs and runs away; interview] Oh. I guess farting is a side effect of Komodo venom.
Noah: No, it isn't.

Brody: Just to be clear, I'm a trained professional in all things extreme. Never try that at home, kids. But if you're in a forest, totally do it! Komodo trapping rules!

[The Reality TV Pros got eliminated because Noah became buried in a pile of rugs, and Owen was unable to find him in time before the remaining teams reached the Chill Zone due to having venom in his eye. For an medical emergency, they must get a previously eliminated team to replace it for eight to win]
Owen: As reality shows go, that got as real as reality shows get.
Noah: Before it started, I didn't have a girlfriend and now I do, so, it's an easy favorite.
Owen: I mean, the million would've been nice, but winning isn't everything. Also, I already won a million.
Noah: And I'm dating a lawyer. So I'll never have to work again.
Owen: Oh-ho-ho. I'm sure Emma's gonna love to hear that. What reality show should we do next?
Noah: Didn't I tell you? We've been asked to do the next season of-- [static]

Dude Buggies [7.19]

Crimson: We're going to Las Vegas.
Don: Located in Nevada, USA, Las Vegas is famous for its bright lights, bold entertainment, and very, very bad judgment.

Dwayne: Yay! Hello, Las Vegas! Are you here, sleeping beauties?

Jacques: Oh, Josee! Are you losing it?! They're GOTHS, not vampires!
Josee: Are they, Jacques? Are they?!

[The Haters step up to start the magic challenge]
Ryan: All right, what do we do?
Stephanie: So, the assistant goes into one side of the cage, the lion is in the other. The cage gets covered, and the magician puts the lever to the correct position to drop the divider and the lion off the stage. That way the assistant doesn't get mauled. Let's go. I'll be the magician.
Ryan: Nah, nah. The girl is always the assistant, the man is the magician.
Stephanie: You better hope that dress can fit over your thick head.
Ryan: Aw, come on, Steph, be reasonable.
Stephanie: Says the guy who dumped me on television.
Ryan: [dismayed] Crud.
Don: As the Cadets and Sisters race to the Don Box to choose an Either-Or, Best Friends, Carrie and Devin lose valuable ground.
Carrie: Man, this cad is so slow…
Devin: Hey driver, the next cactus, turn west…
Green driver: [thumbs up] Hmm…

Don: Father and Son, you’re the first to go on.
Father and Son: Whoo-hoo!
Kitty: Which one of us should drive?
Emma: You're better at video games than me, but can you handle it?
Kitty: I think so. [interview] I used to be obsessed with video games. One time, I played "Hockey All Stars" for two days straight. I would've kept going, but Emma unplugged my game station and refused to give it back until I took a shower.
Emma: She smelled like a bag of wet popcorn. Ugh.
Kitty: Not my finest hour.

[Ice Dancers' interview]
Jacques: I have no problem being the assistant here. When we skate, I'm always the magician.
Josee: Eh, say what?
Jacques: I lift you, carry you, twirl you around, ha. All you need to do is smile and not fall down.
Josee: Wow. I hope I do this trick right. I'd hate to watch you get EATEN BY A LION! [gets up in Jacques' face, angrily]

Stephanie: Would you get in the cage already?
Ryan: [grunting] Dumb door! Too small!
Stephanie: Ugh, come on! Suck it in! [pushes Ryan in the cage, his dress rips off; points and laughs at his underwear] Nice undies!
Ryan: Hey, don't look at my butt.
Stephanie: You wish I'd look at your butt. Now get in there! [slams the cage door shut closed]
Ryan: OW!

Don: [as the Goths are again the first team to step on the carpet; spits out water, shouting] HOW IS ANYONE THAT QUIET?! [breaths deeply] Congrats on coming in first again. Can we hang some bells around their necks or something?

Brody: Let's do that again!
Geoff: Dude.
Brody: Duuude!
Geoff: Duuuuuude.
Brody: [Beat, sighs] Good point…

El Bunny Supremo [7.20]

Crimson: [reading the tip] "It's time to go to Mexico. ¡Olé!".
Don: I think you mean… ¡OLÉ! Yes, there's plenty to get excited about in beautiful Mexico, where the sun is hot and so is the salsa. [A fly buzzes and salsa erupts] Teams must take a form of local transit known as "the chicken bus" all the way here to the beautiful cliffs of Acapulco to receive their next challenge.

[The Haters, Best Friends, and Police Cadets get their tips from the Don box]
Stephanie: It's an All-In.
Carrie: "Who Loves Peppers…"
Sanders: "…and Who Loves Dip?"
Don: For this All-In, a team member must eat one hot pepper from this food cart. Once eaten, wave the corresponding flag color. Then the second team member must act like an Acapulco cliff diver. Eat the hottest pepper, and your partner leaps from the lowest ledge, there. Eat a mid-range pepper, and your partner jumps from there. But eat the mildest pepper, and your partner is basically jumping from the space station. Cliff jumpers will find their next tip, attached to canteens, anchored along the bottom of the bay.
Carrie: "The canteens are filled with just enough cold milk to soothe the pepper-eater's burning mouth."

MacArthur: Back at the academy, I pepper-sprayed all my meals to build up in immunity to it. [eats a handful of hottest peppers] So eating the hottest pepper is easy peasy. [as a single sound effect and more sound effects rise] SANDERS, JUMP! I NEED MILK!!

Stephanie: Can't hear you! You must be above the atmosphere or something. [eats the mildest pepper] Huh. Not bad. [waves the flag] Okay, jump!
Ryan: Aw, man, are you serious? She couldn't even eat the middle pepper?! I thought we were good! Come on!
Stephanie: We may be on better terms, but the man still dumped me on TV. If I can make him suffer a little, I will.

Carrie: Okay, uh, not so bad, Olympic divers do it. They're sure they trained first as they don't die doing it, but still...
Devin: [screams] Fire, am I on fire?
Carrie: Devin! Kitty, is he okay?!
Kitty: You may wanna start climbing! [eats the medium pepper]
Emma: [calling out] Doing great, Kitty!
Kitty: [screaming as the medium pepper burns her] HOT, HOT! Oh, ho! IT BURNS! [waves the green flag] JUMP!!!
Emma: Nice work, Kit! [jumps off the cliff and into the bay below]
Devin: This is nothing. I can… [eats the medium pepper and ends up spitting it out and screams]
Carrie: Devin, just eat the mild one. [sighs] Looks like I'm going to the top.

[Ennui reaches shore with the canteen and tip]
Crimson: Thanks. [notices Ennui looking upset] What's wrong?
Ennui: Nothing.
Crimson: But you look so emotional.
Ennui: Loki's gone. [interview] Once, Santa brought me a black kitten. I named him Toxic Mold. One day, he slipped out the door and never came back.
Crimson: No bunny gets left behind.

Devin: Wait. Was Carrie holding hands with Ryan?! Was she? [accidentally rubs pepper juice in his eyes, causing him to be fully blind] AAAH! Pepper juice! MY EYES!!!
Carrie: "Holding hands?" I was just helping Ryan jump.
Devin: Oh, of course you were. You were just being "helpful". Sometimes too helpful. But we should focus on the million.

[Sanders reaches the Chill Zone herself while her partner tries waking up her burro to come in second]
Don: Um, you seem to be shy one loud, aggressive partner.
[The Ice Dancers show up]
Jacques: Ah! There's only one cop. They don't win!
Don: Not yet. But unless one of you coughs up two burros, I'll have to give you a 10-minute penalty.
Jacques and Josee: NO!
Don: Father and Son, First!
Junior: Yeah!
Sanders: [victoriously] Yes! [calling out to her partner as the Ice Dancers are penalized for ten minutes] Hurry, MacArthur! You've got 10!
MacArthur: Okay, donkey. WAKE UP!

[The Goths got eliminated because The Ice Dancers kidnapped Loki, causing them to stop competing in order to look for him; and after they found him, they were beaten by the Surfers to the Chill Zone]
Crimson: I'm glad we went to Transylvania.
Ennui: And Finland. That was epic.
Crimson: We could always go back to Vegas I guess, if we need the money. I hope the Ice Dancers get what they deserve.
Ennui: I hope they get worse than that.
Crimson: I love it when you get vengeful.
Ennui: I know.

Ca-Noodling [7.21]

Junior: [reading the tip] "Travel to Cần Thơ, Vietnam."
Don: Cần Thơ is not only a great name for a movie villain, it's also the largest city in Vietnam's thriving Mekong Delta. Teams will find their next tip here, along the Mekong River, where the fish are plentiful, ugh, and pungent. Get that thing away from me!

[Josee and Jacques are proud of how they managed to get the Goths eliminated]
Josee: Second place. Again!
Jacques: But at least I got another team eliminated.
Josee: That's true. We did. It's like we won a gold medal in treachery!

Devin: Turns out, I'm violently allergic to hot peppers, especially when rubbed into my eyes, so, yeah, my vision's kinda off. But don't tell Carrie. I'm trying impress her, you know, lay the land for when I tell her I like like her.

Brody: I once babysit my sister's pet that was somehow eaten by a crocodile.

Jacques: I compare noodling catfish to massaging my grandma's feet, which I don't like.

[The Surfer Dudes got eliminated after Devin and Carrie beaten them to the Chill Zone as thanks for alerting them to the Don Box in the tunnels, making them come in last]
Carrie: Devin nearly costs us the race today. What is up with him? It’s like the long per we’re in this thin, the less I know him. I want to million with my best friend, not some total stranger. But! I’ll take the million either way.
Geoff: Well! Here we are dude.
Brody: Hit us with those negative vibes.
Don: Hey, Hey, Hey! Quite the long faces! Your’e not out of the race yet.
Brody: Wow!
Geoff: [gasps]
Don: Now you’re out!
Brody: No!
Geoff: Aw.
Don: See what I did there? That's TV fishing. Gave ya some line and a little hope and then yanked it away! It's gonna look great and all this explaining will be edited out. Cool, huh?
Geoff: Bummer, dude...
Don: Some people just don't get show business.
Brody: MacAuthur! You have to go on without me!
MacAuthur: Cool beans will do.

How Deep Is Your Love? [7.22]

Sanders: [reading the tip] "Catch a flight to Siberia."
Don: Siberia! This massive province of Russia is home to the Siberian tiger, Siberian husky, and probably anything else prefaced with Siberian.

Sanders: This alliance is not a friendship.
MacArthur: Got that right. It's just an agreement to work with people we hate.

MacArthur: My dad would always pressure me into winning and coming first.

Ryan: Whenever we had an argument, my dad will gratuitously agree with my mom until she calms down or leaves.

Pilot: [over PA] Welcome, uhh, aboard, everyone, huh. We're going to be, um... closing the... uh... cabin doors, any uhh... second now. For the taking off.
Josee: [exasperated] JUST CLOSE THE DOORS ALREADY!!! [plane cabin doors slam close; sighs in relief]
Kitty: Woo-hoo!
Carrie: That was too close!
[Josse screams infuriated]
Don: All the teams are off! Some happier than others.
Josee: Now we're all on the same flight, and it's all because of that pilot!
Jacques: Why? Because he, uhh, spoke, uhh- [Josee punches him in the shoulder to get him to stop talking] Ow!

Carrie: [which is behind a yeti] AAH! AAAH!
Yeti: [follows Carrie] UGH!
Carrie: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! [a yeti slides upwards on a rock]
Yeti: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!! [grabs onto the Daters’ ice yacht sail] Ooh.
Stephanie: Are you sure you two aren’t related?

Darjeel With It [7.23]

Josee: [getting a tip from the Don box] We're going to Darjeeling, India.
Don: Yes, Darjeeling, where the world's finest teas are grown, like assam, nilgiri, and several more I can't pronounce. Teams must fly to Bagdogra, India, then take taxis here to the mountains of Darjeeling to find this Don box with their next travel tip.

Stephanie: [getting a tip from the Don box while sweating] Tea time? Please let it be iced tea.
Don: Wouldn't that be nice? But no.

Emma: Uh! I hope you like chicken.
Kitty: You ready on three? One…
Emma: Two…
Kitty: Three! [the Sisters get attacked]
Emma: Wow! Chickens are tough.
Kitty: I think I swallowed one! [spits out a chicken feather]
Emma: And we’ve got three more cars to get through! Uh! We’re not gonna make it!
Kitty: I have an idea: you know how most trains windows have that say “KEEP YOUR ARMS IN”?
Emma: Yeah?
Kitty: Well this one doesn’t, so whatever!
Emma: This is so unsafe! Let’s get back inside…
Kitty: Oh, come on, you’ve never take risks!

Josee: What does Don have against us? Are we too talented, too attractive, too all-of-the-above?
Carrie: Devin! You’re alive!
Devin: I just hurt my ankle, it’s not bad. [gets stepped by a bull] Now that’s bad…
Don: And the Cadets take second! [MacAuthur raspberries]
[Cadets’ interview]
MacAuthur: I’d rather take first, but, anyway we beat those Ice for Brains jerks is a good day. Good call, I’m not joining up with them again. Way to lead, partner!
Carrie : Are you okay? Anything broken?
Devin: No, Carrie, I just… Ow!
Carrie: Good! Gotta get to the carpet!
Don: and the Best Friends take third! That leads the Haters, and the Ice Dancers.[talks to the Ice Dancers] How are you feeling about your chances now?
Josee: Never better…

[The Daters got eliminated because they stopped just short of the Chill Zone to reveal that they were dating again, giving enough time for the Ice Dancers' penalty to end and for them to secure fourth place]
Stephanie: You had to get romantic then?
Ryan: What? You kissed me!
Stephanie: I couldn't help myself. Look at you, you're hotter than the sun.
Ryan: [touched] Aw, girl. Stop.
Stephanie: We didn't win, but we actually did some amazing things as a team, partner.
Ryan: When things got hot, we took the heat.
Stephanie: And pushed each other when needed. Which was a lot.
Ryan: Even carried each other sometimes.
Stephanie: And when we failed the first time, we tried again.
Ryan: This experience has made us a better, stronger couple. I know what I want now, and it's Stephanie.
Stephanie: And I want Ryan. Ryan at 380 pounds max, deadlift.
Ryan: Hey, whoa, baby. Save that cozy top for when we get home.

Last Tango In Buenos Aires [7.24]

Emma: We're going to Argentina.
Kitty: Auto photo!
Don: The capital of Argentina, Buenos Aires, is a world-class city, famous for its love of fútbol, theater, and delicious red meat. Once teams land, they'll find the Don box at the airport with their next tip. Mm, not bad.

Don: Back at the academy, the Best Friends aren’t letting a single nosebleed stop them.

[The Best Friends got eliminated because Kitty accidentally knocked Devin off a cliff and severely injured him, making him and Carrie cut from the race]
Carrie: Okay, well they sacrifice themselves for us in Vietnam so we choose the Surfers.
Don: Done! Carrie and Devin good luck with all of that.
Paramedic: All right, the Surfers are awesome. Sorry, let's go.
[the Paramedic take an injured Devin to the helicopter along with his partner Carrie. Brody and Geoff return]

Carrie: It was a super hard race, but you were my hero the whole time.
Devin: [muffled] I had a great time.
Carrie: I had a blast, too.

Bahamarama [7.25]

Josee: We're going to The Bahamas.
Don: The Bahamas, known for its pirate history, stunning Caribbean beaches, and flourescent pink flamingos. Once teams land in Nassau, they'll find this Don box and their next travel tip.

MacAuthur: Ice guys do finish last. BOOM!
[Josee angrily throws a tantrum after seeing that the Surfer Dudes, Sisters, and Police Cadets all beat them to the airport first]
Jacques: [enraged as Josee furiously throws a computer] We are so… SICK OF THOSE CADETS!
Sanders: [laughing about Josee's tantrum during the interview] Did you see her face? [she and MacArthur both laugh hysterically]
Don: All four teams are on the same flight. And once it lands, every move they make will be crucial!
[Doors Open]
Kitty: Hurry!
Geoff: Come on!
MacAuthur: Move it!

Geoff: This is insanity, bro! We're heading to the finale in first place!
Brody: Whoa, we should get, like, a 'most improved award' or something.

Jacques: Josse, can you hear me?
[Josee screams]
Emma: Uh, well her mic deffinately works.
Kitty: What was that?
Emma: Just Josee freaking out.
Don: Three out of the four teams are in the water, but only two of them made it inside the tunnel.

[The Sisters got eliminated because they were the last team to arrive at the Chill Zone]
Emma: This has been the most incredible experience of my life.
Kitty: Sorry I blew it.
Emma: Are you kidding? You rocked it! I meant what I said before, Kit. I'm so proud of you.
Kitty: [touched] Aww…
Emma: Hey, I'll take my sister over a million bucks, any day. I've never felt more like a winner than I do right now.
Kitty: You're gonna call Noah, aren't you?
Emma: You bet I am.

A Million Ways to Lose a Million Dollars [7.26]

Don: Welcome back to the Bahamas. Our finale 3 teams have received their final travel tips, taken water taxis, and have boarded the same plane for one final flight... to New York City, nature's playground for capitalist wolves and jazz-handed Broadway stars alike. It's home to 8.4 million people, and 16.4 million rats. When teams arrive here at JFK airport, they must find this Don box and collect their next tip.
Booger: The five teams have their travel tips, and booked themselves for a flight to New York City.
Geoff: Could we win? I'll see why not.
Brody: We definitely have luck on our side, lucky to get back in the race at all, and make it to the finale?

Geoff: It's an All-In. "Who's Ready to Face the Traffic?"
Don: For this All-In, teams must take on of these Ridonculous taxi cabs and drive themselves all the way here... to the Empire State Building. One they arrive, teams will have to climb a measly 86 flights of stairs to reach... this observation deck, and collect their next tip, attached to these suitcases, moving one step closer to the final chill zone and the million dollar prize.
Sanders: "Fun fact: Last team to arrive is pretty much doomed. Good luck."
Brody: The taxi!

[The Ice Dancers got checked out because they were beaten by the Police Cadets and the Surfers to the mid-point Chill Zone in Central Park]
Don: Jacques and Josee… I'm sorry… that it took me so long to say this. You're Checking Out. Huh. You're taking this suspiciously well.
[Josee finally starts losing her temper as she's about to hurt Bethesda Terrence, throw an alligator, and while holding up a hot dog cart up in the air]
Jacques: [scared] Oh, no. JOSEE, STOP! IT'S OVER! We… lost.

[Tennis Rivals' Interview]
Pete: The Cadets vs. Surfers? Wow, what an exciting finale! [snores]
Gerry: But what kind of surfers are they again? They're outdoorsy kind or computer kind?
Pete: And who cares they both stink.

Don: [last lines] Yes, throw all your money on the ground. Very smart. That's all for now! We hope you enjoyed our incredible race around the world. Be sure to keep an eye out for more of The Ridonculous Race.


  • Terry McGurrin - Don
  • Stephanie Anne Mills - Kitty
  • Emilie-Claire Barlow - Ellody and Laurie
  • Clé Bennett - Leonard
  • Ashley Botting - Jen
  • Nicki Burke - Stephanie and Tammy
  • Neil Crone - Dwayne
  • Stacey DePass - Emma and Crimson
  • Carlos Díaz - Lorenzo and Rock
  • Jacob Ewaniuk - Junior
  • Kristin Fairlie - Carrie
  • Darren Frost - Chet
  • Katie Griffin- Mary and Miles
  • Jeff Geddis - Devin and Tom
  • Carter Hayden - Ennui, Noah, and Spud
  • David Huband - Gerry
  • Julie Lemieux - Josee and Kelly
  • Bryn McAuley - Taylor
  • Scott McCord - Brody, Jacques, and Owen
  • Joseph Motiki - Ryan
  • Dan Petronijevic - Geoff
  • Evany Rosen - MacArthur
  • Lyon Smith - Jay and Mickey
  • Nicole Stamp - Sanders
  • Adrian Truss - Pete
  • Tom Kenny - Jack French Artist, and Bala Kareoke