American Dad! (season 10)
- [Steve and Snot are standing at a girls dressing room collecting hair from the blond]
- Snot: Field day!
- Steve: The perfect DNA sample! All we need is another one and-
- Shop Owner: [arrives] What are you two doing here?
- Steve: I know it looks bad, two teenage boys in a girls' dressing room, but I can assure you, we are only here to collect pubic hair.
- [outside, Steve and Snot are caught and thrown out of the store by security]
- Snot: Darn! We only got one DNA sample!
- Shop Owner: And stay out, perverts! [spits]
- Steve: [he tries to catch the spit in slow motion] D N A! [e screams as he falls to the floor as Snot checks on him if he is okay; downstairs, Steve is laying on the floor and he takes off his glasses blood starts flowing from his body]
- [after inserting the DNA, Steve and Snot activate the cloning machine]
- Steve: What are you gonna name yours?
- Snot: I want mine to have a sexy stripper name, like Honey.
- Steve: I'm gonna name mine after my great grandmother: Glitter.
- Snot: Naming your sex clone after your great grandmother. That's a nice way to honor her.
- [when Steve's cloning plan works, out of the machine come, not teenage girls as expected, but babies]
- Steve: [screams; pushes buttons repeatedly] Unclone! Unclone! Control-Z! Control-Z!
- [having witnessed footage of a scary ghost version of Francine]
- Roger: [to a recorder] 3:43. Just peed myself. [pauses, then continues] Asparagus.
- Hayley: [to her dazed father] Dad, you have to snap out of it! You gotta get Mom where she needs to get to!
- Stan: I can't, Hayley! I don't know what to do! If only there was some sort of kindly robot or magic wand that could pleasure my wife. But we live in the real world.
- Hayley: Dad, look around you! The ghost is getting stronger! You have to satisfy Mom!
- Stan: You're right. But I clearly don't know what I'm doing anymore!
- Hayley: You just need to get some help. A book or the Internet...
- Stan: Or an oversexed hippie who just happens to be my daughter. Hayley, you are gonna be my sex coach.
- Hayley: [after a moment of pause] Well, that really backfired on me, didn't it?
Buck, Wild [9.03]
- Steve: I don't believe this! How could they put me at the kids' table? I'm 14!
- Kid in costume: I'm Batman.
- Steve: NO, YOU'RE NOT! [sighs] I'm too old for this. I don't wanna be around all these babies playing Pokémon, badly. This kid right here is just wasting his Charizard. [to the kid] You are wasting your Charizard!
- Stan: It's about time the hunter who became the huntee becomes the hunter,… again.
- [Francine brings an incapacitated Stan to Hayley and Roger]
- Roger: Okay. I'll bite. What's up with the gyroscope on his junk?
- Francine: Stan was injured and went into a rare condition known as "testicular retreat syndrome". His "nuggs" were so traumatized, they ran up into his body to heal.
- Hayley: What?! Will he be okay?
- Francine: We don't know yet. They might drop down again someday, but the doctors say there's a good chance they'll just die up there, like a gut-torn rabbit in a wooden thicket.
- Roger: Wait. Hold on a second. I'm confused. WHY TO HELL DIDN'T YOU DICKS SHOW UP TO OUR BALALAIKA CONCERT?!?!
- Stan: [falsetto voice] I've got bigger problems right now than supporting your commie music!
- [Hayley and Roger laugh]
- Stan: Stop! So what if I sound a little feminine?! Stop laughing, and treat me with the respect I deserve!
- [Hayley and Roger laugh again]
- Stan: My voice is not that…
- [dogs are heard barking faintly]
- Stan: Not that high.
- [the barking grows louder]
- Stan: It's a little higher than usual.
- [the barking grows even louder; the sound of banging against the door is heard]
- [after hearing Stan sing Climb Ev'ry Mountain while still in his falsetto voice]
- Roger: Oh, my God! That was transcendent!
- Klaus: With you and your heavenly voice accompanying us, we'll skyrocket to the top of the ever-popular world music charts!
- Hayley: I say we reunite the band, but as a quartet! How 'bout it, Daddy?
- Stan: I suppose I could give it a try.
- [the others cheer]
- Stan: Yeah, it'll be fun, right? I mean, this could be just what I need to get outta this living room. [suction pops off Stan's crotch; back in his normal voice] And back into life. [looks down] My boys just dropped!
- Roger: No! No! No!
- Stan: Thank God I'm back to normal! I don't have to settle for a life of singing with you idiots after all! [sings as he leaves] Swing low, sweet chariot…
- Roger: Ah, the hell with it.
- [he, Hayley, and Klaus drop their instruments]
Kung Pao Turkey [9.05]
- [Stan finds Francine and her mother in the kitchen cooking dinner]
- Stan: Francine, what the hell's goin' on in here? It should smell like turkey and stuffing, not a medley of longevity-inducing vegetables.
- Francine: Stan, this is my mom's famous stir-fry. I thought we could have it instead of sweet potatoes.
- Stan: But that's not Thanksgiving! I don't wanna see this tiny corn!
- Mah Mah: I don't wanna see your tiny corn. Put on some pants!
- Stan: I'm not changing the way I dress on this most American of days. This is traditional American Thanksgiving garb. You know how you guys always wear karate outfits? Well, this is Uncle Sam's version of that.
- Stan: [whistles] Here, Dixie Cup!
- [his SUV pulls up to him]
- Stan: Easy, girl. Easy.
- [he gets in his SUV and drives away]
Independent Movie [9.06]
- Francine: Hey, Banelli! You got a lot of nerve showin' up here!
- Banelli: So what? So what? It's a free world. So what?
- Francine: Excuse me, Stan. That's the bitch who gave all my ideas to Michael Crichton.
- Snot: Mom, who died?
- [his uncle shows up]
- Ira: Schmuely.
- Snot: Uncle Ira? What are you doing here?
- Ira: How shall I put this? You're a child, and you're gonna remember this for the rest of your life. So I wanna make sure I say this right. YOUR DAD IS DEAD! HE'S DEAD!!!
Faking Bad [9.07]
- [Hayley enters Steve's room; Steve is under a blanket fort on his bed]
- Hayley: Hey, buddy. [lifts the flap]
- Steve: It's called "Fortress of Solitude". Not "Fortress of Come on In".
- Hayley: Oh. Right. Star Trek Wars. [imitates lasers]
- Steve: Okay. Next I.D. is ready. Mike Rotch? I'm looking for Mike Rotch.
- [Bart Simpson, right behind him, laughs]
Minstrel Krampus [9.08]
- [Stan, Roger, and Santa set off to find Steve and Krampus]
- Stan: Wow. Full moon tonight.
- Roger: Actually, once you get above the clouds, it's always a full moon.
- Stan: Is that true?
- Roger: Is any of this?
- [last line]
- Krampus: [to the home audience] You better be good, boys and girls, or I'll beat you until blood's comin' from your ears and your eyes and your mouth. Merry Christmas! And from your ass.
Vision: Impossible [9.09]
- Hayley: [enters with something wrapped in a towel] You guys will not believe what's in this towel.
- Stan: A baby. A baby you gave birth to, and you didn't even know you were pregnant. It just popped out on the lawn. You thought you were just takin' a D on the lawn, but surprise! It wasn't a deuce. It was a baby, and it's in that towel. [taps the table] Show me that baby!
- Hayley: No. It's a raccoon.
- [Roger awakens from his coma]
- Francine: Roger, thank God you're awake! You've been in a coma.
- Roger: Oh, my God! How long was I out? [holds up a beard] This long? [holds up a longer beard] Or this long?
- Steve: The first one.
- [Roger puts on the shorter beard]
- [Francine eats cookies while the other Smiths are preoccupied, until...]
- Steve: [sniffs] Mom's cinnamon cookies?!
- Francine: Terrific. No one cares about me. They just care about my cookies.
- [Roy goes back into his cryogenic chamber]
- Roy: Oh, wait. I gotta go to the bath--
- [but the door has already shut, and he gets frozen]
Cock of the Sleepwalk [9.11]
- [just after his attempt to assassinate another terrorist has failed, Stan discovers that there are Gummi Bears instead of bullets in his rifle]
- Stan: Gummi Bears?! He replaced my bullets with Gummi Bears from the mini bar! That's gonna cost me $7! [walks up to the mini bar, which is riddled with cash] Oh. He left money. Well, I can't be mad about-- Wait! That's my money!
- Stan: [repeatedly tries to kill the IHOP terrorist] This is terrible! You're hurting us both almost equally! Nobody's winning here! This is awful! Aw, man! He's still reachin'! Aw, gee whiz! [repeatedly slams a tray on the terrorist] Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! [the terrorist is finally dead] [sighs] It's over.
- Customer: [sets to leave] I won't have what he's having.
Introducing the Naughty Stewardesses [9.12]
- Steve: You know that beautiful girl Jenna I've kinda had my eye on?
- Roger: Is this the same girl whose picture you put in your pajama bottoms before you go to bed?
- Steve: You know about that?
- Roger: Who do you think takes your pajamas off at night?
- Roger: [after hitting Steve in the head (Roger's) with a vase] Aw, I shouldn't have hit him in the face. That's my face.
I Ain't No Holodeck Boy [9.13]
- [Steve, Snot, Barry, and Toshi have lost the video game in which they were to stop Hitler's mother from giving birth to him]
- Snot: I know he's gonna be a monster, but I do love babies.
- [after Stan has abandoned Steve and his friends in the woods]
- Steve: I can't believe my dad ditched us here.
- Toshi: [in Japanese] And he dishonored us by taking our cell phones.
- Snot: Guys, how long do you think we can last out here?
- Barry: I don't know. But if we're gonna die, I'm not goin' out a virgin.
- [he hugs a nearby tree]
- Snot: Well, if trees count, then I'm Wilt Chamberlain.
Stan Goes on the Pill [9.14]
- [Stan looks at his reflection in the mirror after transforming into a woman]
- Stan: Oh, my God! Sir! Either I've gone crazy, or I've turned into a woman!
- Bullock: What's the difference?
- [he and Stan laugh]
- Stan: Hey, screw you!
- Bullock: [points at Stan] See that woman over there? I'm going to rail her.
- Bartender: [rings a bell] Oh! We got one!
- [other bartenders approach]
- All bartenders: [sing] You say you're gonna rail her.
- We're really glad to hear.
- And after you've completed,
- she'll be grinning ear to ear! HEY!
- Bullock: I love the family atmosphere here.
Honey, I'm Homeland [9.15]
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- Glass: [on radio] Hello. I'm Ira Glass. With a $35 pledge, you can get the feeling... of paying for radio. It's an indescribable... sensation.
- Artemis: [shows Hayley a video demonstration] By precisely targeting a barrage of missiles your dad acquired for us, we'll reshape the contemptible fascists of Mt. Rushmore into history's greatest leftists!
- Stan: Sean Penn, Michael Moore, and Captaiytheb
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- Hayley: Why didn't you change Jefferson?
- Stan: Well, he freed the slaves, so he stays.d
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She Swill Survive [9.16]
- Hayley: Mom, hands. Eggs. Make.
- Stan: [to Francine] You! Hold it right there! [to Hayley] You! Make your own eggs! [to his reflection in the mirror] You! Stay beautiful.
- Hayley: [after the cab crashes] Did the cabbie survive?
- Stan: No. Damn fool was driving sober.
- [after a giant inflatable gorilla breaks his fall and it deflates]
- Stan: 'Twas beauty killed the beast.
- [after his last attempt to remove the wine stain from the couch has failed, Roger lights a match and sets it on fire]
- Roger: [leaves the den] We need a new couch!
Permanent Record Wrecker [9.18]
- Thicke: And the pappy goes to... my man, Stan Smith!
- [Stan comes up on stage to accept his award]
- Stan: Thank you, Alan Thicke. This is amazing.
- [suddenly, the background, which is the back of the garage door, opens up, revealing Thicke's wife in her car]
- Thicke: Honey, I told ya, I'm using the garage for my awards show! Park on the street!
- Thicke's wife: I'm so sick of this crap, Alan!
- Thicke: You're ruining my thing!
- Army soldier: It's come to our attention that your son's run out of options. The army'll take him.
- Stan: Get outta here, you damn vulture! [slams the door, then opens it again] Thank you for your service.
News Glance with Genevieve Vavance
(as Hayley opens Steve's suitcase)
- Hayley: Jeez, Steve. Four gallons of Lubriderm?
- Steve (rubs his face): You try living with eczema.
- Groban: That ballad was supposed to be my Candle in the Wind, you dicks!
The Longest Distance Relationship
- Steve: [after Matt presents the Smiths with a new house to replace the burnt one] Did someone just drop a house on me?!
- Jeff: [as he and Sinbad cross through the wormhole to Earth] Wow! The wormhole! It's so beautiful, like staring into the face of God! It's unbelievable! We... are... INFINITE!!