American Dad! (season 13)
- Francine: You poor old man. This lamp sucks, I'll give you two bucks for it.
- Francine: My God, Stan. How come I've never heard of this tree-father before?
- Stan: I brought you there tons of times! I made us have our wedding there.
- Francine: Oh. I just thought you were a cheap asshole.
The Life Aquatic with Steve Smith
Hayley Smith, Seal Team Six
(as Hayley -- who is now acting like a six-year-old -- is jumping on the couch)
- Francine: Roger, we can't have a grown woman acting like a child. This ain't no Disney Channel.
N.S.A. (No Snoops Allowed)
- Hayley: [walks over to Klaus] Okay, Klaus, I will try one of your hazel whatevers.
- [Hayley takes a bite out of the omelet with a fork and gets a look of satisfaction]
- Hayley: Mmm! This is really good. What's in it?
- Klaus: Hazel nut, butter, eggs, veal, milk. [Hayley spits out her omelet] I use whole milk. Some people...
- Hayley: Wait. Veal?! There's meat in this?
- Klaus: For thickening. You know what they say; you can't make hazelnussomeletten without kinderkuhfleische.
- Hayley: Klaus! I haven't eaten meat in over a year! [retches]
- [Hayley starts to feel sick, covers her mouth, and runs to the bathroom to vomit and coughs. Klaus turns to Roger]
- Klaus: How do you like yours, Roger?
- [Roger feeds his omelet to the Roomba]
- Roger: Ah, it's great, it's great. [smiles uneasily at Klaus]
- [Hayley kneeling down at the toilet after puking up her omelet]
- Hayley: [sniffles] Sorry, toilet. I know you've been a vegetarian as long as I have.
(during Steve's nightmare of Cuba overtaking America)
- Francine (comes in wearing a robe and heels with a frying pan in hand): Well...I did it. I provided food for the family. (shows a butterflied Klaus sizzling in the frying pan): It's Klaus. (voice breaking): But...but...we can't afford tartar sauce!
- (Hayley and Roger break down crying)
(after Steve wakes up from his nightmare of Cuba overtaking America)
- Steve: Oh! What a horrible nightmare! And why did I include that extra part where I actually saw Mom stripping? One problem at a time.
Stan Smith as Keanu Reeves as Stanny Utah in Point Breakers
(while Stan is surfing, he sees Francine, Hayley, Steve, and Roger in the water)
- Francine: Stan, hamburger buns were on sale, so I stole 600.
- Hayley: When I have a baby, I'm going to name it Recycling.
- Steve (showing Stan the palm of his hand, which has a bright red slash across it): Dad, me and my mysterious friend are blood brothers now.
- Roger: Stan, FIFA said the downstairs bathroom is going to need 70 urinals. It'll work if we use the hamper.
Kiss Kiss Cam Cam
The Devil Wears a Lapel Pin
(at Roger's/Jeremy Neiderhoff's funeral)
- Steve (picks up a can of beer): Goodbye, old friend. You burned too brightly for this world. (opens the beer and pours it on the ground. He notices that Francine is under him drinking the beer, whispers to Francine): Mom, that's not funeral behavior.
- Francine (drunkenly): You're not funeral behavior.
(Principal Lewis walks with Steve down a school hallway that looks like the streets of a ghetto, complete with grafitti, trash, a bonfire in an oil drum, and a stripped car on concrete blocks)
- Steve (looking around fearfully): This is -- This is weird. I've never been up here before. Things are different.
- Principal Lewis: Yeah, this floor went to hell after the mill closed. (as they approach the classroom door): And here's your new home.
- (Steve looks inside. The students are your typical ghetto punks and street trash, chattering, making out, arguing, and stealing from each other)
- Principal Lewis (as Steve continues looking inside): Society's given up on these kids. The school's given up on these kids. Their own children have given up on these kids.
- Steve (fearfully): They're looking. They're looking at us. Y-y-y-you think they can read lips?
- Principal Lewis (loudly): They can't read books! (cut to the ghetto kids glaring at Steve and Principal Lewis. Cut back to Steve and Principal Lewis, as Steve puts his arm through the door window to find that there's no glass between them): They're a bunch of dumbasses with no future.
- Steve (gasps): There's no glass.
- Principal Lewis (picks up Steve by the back of his shirt and hurls Steve in through the door window): Fresh meat! Ha-ha! (runs off and trips. Then gets back up and continues running): Lewis gets away again!
(after Roger finds out that the former teen model from Dream Phone hates malls and pizza and isn't even named Dylan)
- Klaus (uneasily): So...what happened back there?
- Roger (eerily calm, flat voice): We went to the mall and had pizza because that's what Dylan likes.
- Hayley (picks up the Dream Phone, which is now covered in blood): Why is there blood on the Dream Phone?
- Roger (still eerily calm): He likes malls, and pizza, and me.
- Steve (opens the bag on his lap): Uh, Roger, w-what's in this jar?
- Roger: Dylan was being bad. (smiles evilly): And now we have the jar. (Turns on the radio, which starts playing The Pointer Sisters' "I'm So Excited", while Klaus, Haley and Steve look terrified in the back seat)
The Two Hundred
- Greg: You big, black bitch!
- Future Steve: Oh it is. I've had sex four times with three different women.
- Steve Smith: You hear that, Snot? Someone came back for seconds. [notices Snot isn't here] Snot? He went down the party! He's gonna ruin everything! [goes down to get Snot, but Future Steve grabs his arm]
- Future Steve: Okay, go get him, but don't talk to anyone. Don't do anything memorable. Just make your usual zero impact on people. Your future depends on it.
The Dentist's Wife
- [Roger "disposes" of Francine by sending her off to a barge]
- Francine: [after crawling out of a crate] Son of a bitch, he barged me.
- Steve: How come the pizza guy didn't help us?
- Hayley: 'Cuz Klaus didn't tip him.
- Klaus: An apple is a tip.
The Nova Centauris-burgh Board of Tourism Presents: American Dad
- Barry: Well, at least we got to LARP long enough for Cat Girl and Glove Nose to permanently confuse what I consider sexual.
- Francine: What's LARPing?
- Steve (chuckles): What's a LARP? I just...I can't even...What did you do in high school?
- Francine: Sorry, Steve, guess I was too busy scoring mad pole.
- Steve: A cake gets messed up. A Quiznos bathroom gets messed up. You destroyed a galaxy, mother.
- Stan: [detailing the Swedish fish in the tank] Their usual habitat is a bag at 7-Eleven.
- Snot: [regarding "Star Wars"] Like hello, know your audience. More farming please.
Daesong Heavy Industries
- Stan: [attempting to explain how Adam & Eve's son has a wife] Steve, guys like Cain always end up with the girl. Scratch that, still makes no sense. Uh, um, might have to come back to that one.
- Steve: No, Dad, crazy baloney is real. It's called pepperoni.
- [Stan regains his religion after Steve proves a ship as large as the hypothetical Noah's ark actually does exist]
- Francine: [happily] Stan, you're back!
- Stan: Of course I am, and better than ever. [the family laughs as Stan poses in victory] I was hopeless for so long, but now I can see that God was only testing the strength of my faith.
- Francine: [embracing him] And you passed the test.
- Stan: I did, so he revealed to me, though his instrument Steve, the location of the new ark.
- Francine: [realizing what is about to come] Oh, no.
- Francine (consoling Stan): Yeah, you don't have to take that. I know! Let's go home and you take a bunch of anti-psychotic medication. That'll show 'em.
- Stan: [outside in the rain] Look out, world, God and Stan are back together again!
- Roger: [from inside of the house] It's not official 'til you change your Facebook status!
- [Stan dumps Klaus overboard from the "Ark" into the water]
- Klaus: [as he falls] You dipshit, there are fucking sharks in there!
Daesong Heavy Industries II: Return to Innocence
- Stan: Did everyone else deserve to drown? Grumpy Cat? The Muppets? You're telling me Daniel Tosh has to die but I get to live?
- Hayley: Jeff, do you know why you're shouting?!
- Jeff: 'Cause of that damn helicopter!
- Roger: I once survived four days in a Del Taco parking lot extracting life-saving nutrients from puddles and bird shit.
- Steve: Why didn't you just go into the Del Taco?
- Roger: I'm a Taco Bell man.
- Narrator: Flute Island? More like Blue Ball Island.
- Narrator: I am rock hard.
- Stan: Your boobs are out.
- Klaus (the family comes home and catches Klaus hitting on a Hummel figurine): She told me she was 18!
Criss Cross Applesauce: The Ballard of Billy Jesusworth
(Francine cuts off Steve's Trapped in the Closet-esque story)
- Francine: Steve, I don't know why you're telling me this now, and I don't know you're singing the whole story, but your dad and Roger are about to play in the finals.
- Steve: Okay, singing may have been a bad choice, but that's a crazy story, right?
- Hayley: Wait, did Lewis murder his secretary?
- Francine: The finals, Hayley!
- Francine: Stan, I don't know basketball, but I can tell from the way you're talking you're not good at it.
- Roger: Without the crisscross, I'm just some guy yelling "applesauce."
- Francine: [to Stan] It worries me that bad guy thing you're doing with your hands.
- Roger: Stan, I can't blow this guy in front of all these people.
- Shaquille O'Neal: The Spurs won two NBA championships because the commissioner was worried Tim Duncan looked sad.
- Stan: Doctors are stupid, Roger. They're just failed dentists.
- Roger: [on putting a Trans Am engine in a power washer] I souped it up with a little alien tech. By alien, I mean "Detroit". (to the audience, as patriotic music plays): Let's turn this country around. Let's make things again.
- Stan: I'm trying to get 20 years of crap off the patio.
- Roger: Is Brett Ratner's career on the patio?
- Roger: Not used to holding a tool with that kind of power, Stan? I'm kidding. I've seen yours while you were sleeping. It's great.
[Stan and Roger look down into the hole Stan accidentally made with the power washer]
- Both: Oh...my...God.
- Roger: Jinx! Now you can't talk until I say your name, Stan! [realizes] Ah, dammit!
[when The Smiths discover the pile of white powder in the ground]
- Steve: White, dusty oil?
- Francine: Lawn dandruff?
- Klaus: A third ridiculous guess?
[Roger scoops up a handful]
- Roger: [knowingly] I think I know what this is.
[Roger weighs a kilo of the powder, wraps it in a package and duct tape, cuts it open with a knife, sticks his finger in, and rubs his finger against his teeth]
- Roger: Yep, that's salt. It's a salt deposit. [he looks at the shocked expressions of the family] Oh my God! Did you guys think it was cocaine? Cocaine doesn't grow underground, dumb-asses. You gotta make that shit! With blood and sweat. And a little bit of salt. You got to cut it with salt to hit your margins. So I guess we have 1% of cocaine here.
- Stan: Hear that? I'm gonna have a big, veiny shaft!
- Francine: Are they salt executives or genies?
- [Young Steve admires the rocks holding his last treasure clue]
- Steve: There's so shiny!
- Stan: So Hayley's forehead, but you wouldn't call that a treasure.
(young Hayley sighs sadly and ties the blue and pink flower bandanna that she would wear in her adulthood on her head)
- Klaus: [regarding Steve's mineral rights deed] Yep, it's official. And if anyone knows what's official, it's a fish, y'all!
- Gordon Salt executive: I respect the sexual frustration behind your decision.
- Stan: Okay, you're making me look bad, Steve, 'cause after you called me a sucker, I definitely threw you in the pool, 'cause I don't take that shit.
- [as Roger directs Steve as he signs his cast]
- Roger: Gotta leave room for Zachary and Ella. I'm gonna have 'em sign next to each other 'cause then when I break them up, Ella's gonna cry every time she sees my cast, and I'm gonna love it 'cause she was such a bitch to me at the lockers last week.
- Steve: I know this is all made up.
- Roger: Some of it.
- Teacher: Nice try, Steve, but us adults stick together. (slaps Steve across the face)
Garfield and Friends
- Klaus: Take a load off, Garfield. I'm Klaus, I'm kind of a favorite around here.
- Steve: I don't need a Deep Throat.
- Roger: I bought the jacket. We're doing this.
- Hayley: [explaining a television at the Treasury] That's a movie. That's where tweens go to get fingered.
- President Garfield: I saw a Polynesian!
- Roger: I was supposed to be on that bus, but there was a lady with a chicken on there. What is this, like, Guatemala? What the hell? Leave your bird at home, lady.
- Principal Lewis: Cum laude, cum REAL laude.
- Snot: [serving detention while Lewis takes a bath] Um, is detention over? It's been an hour.
- Principal Lewis: Fine, get back to class. But no more pointing out errors in the textbooks. You'll remember the Alambo and you'll like it.
- Francine: Stan said something like [imitating Stan] "I'm gonna turn him back into proteins."
- Hayley: What!?
- Francine: Yeah, and then he said [imitating Stan] "Are you even listening to me, Francine? I'm worried about us. I feel like we've been drifting apart." [giggles] I'm getting better at his voice, right?
(after Steve's latest school paper story fails to arouse the student body)
- Steve: Did you paint a shadow on your face?
- Roger: I was dressed up in blackface earlier. You're not the only one with stuff going on. Looks like you finally figured out the story.
- Steve: No I didn't! I have no idea what's happening!
- Roger: You WERE the story, Steve. You used all your pent-up sexual frustration to turn out the most elegant pornography this school has ever seen, but when you finally saw a little skin, it was too much for you, and you experienced what medical experts refer to as an ejacufaint. That's when 100% of your blood is in your wiener. You're lucky to be alive, Steve, and that's the real headline.
Gifted Me Liberty
(during the film noir-esque opening of Stan drowning his sorrows in a bar while jazz music plays on the jukebox)
- Stan: When I joined the CIA, I knew the deal. If we make a mistake, we cover it up. Like the time Dick accidentally created feline AIDS and we covered it up by blaming it on gay cats.
- Bullock: The torture variety pack is tempting. Heretic's fork, metal spanker, anal tarring brush...
- Jackson: It's a barbecue set.
- Bullock: ...but who needs two of anything?
(After finding out no one brought a present for him for the Evil Santa Gift Exchange)
- Bullock: I'm going to fuck this fucker in the tushie! Hand me the anal-tarring brush!
- Girl (upset): Oh, Steve. You're so nice, it's making me so horny for Trevor.
- Steve (sympathetically): Oh, you're one of Trevor's girls. Yeah, he's been hitting it pretty hard since his divorce.
- Roger: These are the same hands that choked Lisa Bonet when she beat me out of the role of Denise Huxtable on A Different World. That was a lie. The role was created for her, but I did choke her.
(Stan sells so much blood and sperm that he becomes tired, gray, and sickly. Roger comes out of the sperm bank with a bag in hand)
- Roger: Stan? What are you doing here?
- Stan: Roger? You sell sperm too?
- Roger: Sell?
- Steve: [captured by the CDC] I confess, I'm a good boy for hire!
- Steve: Hey, why didn't I get infected?
- CDC agent #3: Conquistador measles doesn't infect the sexual immature.
- CDC agent #2: A class 5 virus going after a dweeb like you? Please.
- Steve: But it can still like me as a friend, right? And one day grow into something m...more than friendship? (the CDC agents shake their heads no)
- Roger: [pops up dressed as Santa after Stan discovers that he once again didn't bring a gift to the Evil Santa Gift Exchange] Get it? This bozo's right back where he started! Merry Christmas, from our family to yours. (realizes): Wait a minute, was this our Christmas episode? What month is this?
Next of Pin
- [after seeing a news report about a teen that killed his father]
- Francine (sympathetically): Bet that poor boy's father didn't spend any time with him...(callously): I hope they fry 'em.
- [Stan fears for his life when he imagines Steve eviscerating him]
- Stan: That's it, we're hanging out. If you're going to kill anyone in this family, it's going to be only Francine.
- Steve: What?!
- Francine: Don't talk back to your father.
- [trying to shoot a basketball]
- Steve: My peers don't call me "swishy" for nothing.
- [Steve and Stan share a hug while laughing about their day]
- Francine: [under her breath] Do you have to hug after every stupid thing you say?
- [Roger smashes a plate and orders Francine to leave it]
- Francine: [not quite under her breath] Bald-ass alien piece of shit.
- [Klaus interjects himself into a conversation]
- Francine: [not quite under her breath] Now here goes the fish...
- [Hayley plays mind games with Roger before their contest, suggesting he drop out]
- Roger: News flash bong brain, I never pull out. Boom-shaka-lacka. Now let's watch this garbage.
- Pedophile: So, uh, which boy is yours?
- Stan: The hot one, duh.
- [at the bowling championship]
- Greg: The excitement is palpable here. The stands absolutely packed with what I like to call "gutter people."
- Memphis Stormfront: Ha-ha-ha, delightful bowing pun there, Greg.
- Greg: Bowling pun?
- [Stan absently confesses to Francine that he stabbed Steve]
- Stan: You don't tell Steve about this, and I won't tell Klaus you're the one that broke his Dilbert mug.
- Francine: [quickly agreeing] Okay, deal, deal.
- Steve: [frustrated by the lack of interest by the police] You sound like the cops. They've given up on the case already too. To them, I'm just one more white kid who got stabbed in a bowling alley.
- [as Stan starts to piece together the clues]
- Stan: Since when is Steve smart? He's a jock.
- [explaining his escape from the contest]
- Roger: Molt & bolt, baby.
- Steve: [searching for clues in his own stabbing] This dumpster is filled with weapons and blood-soaked hoodies. How am I supposed to find the ones that belong to my stabber?
- Steve: This Taz-loving sicko must of really been obsessed with me.
- Detective: Whose kid is this? Who would let their kid see this?!
- Steve: Is that why you were acting so weird?
- Stan: Weird?! How?
- Steve: Stabbing me comes to mind!
- Stan: [takes the knife from Steve] You're just never gonna let me live that down, are you? Come on, look, getting stabbed is not that big a deal. See? Bop! [stabs himself] See? Nothing! [continues stabbing every time he says "bop"] Bop bop bop bop! No biggie. Do it in the back. Bop bop! I'm fine, see? Few more? Bop bop bop!
[Steve looks on disgusted and horrified as Stan, severely wounded, falls to the ground with a blank look on his face]
(Stan is hosting an imaginary radio show in his study)
- Stan: ...and that was "Let's Get Lost" by Chet Baker, who either fell or was thrown to his death from a hotel room window in Amsterdam. I like to think he was thrown.
(Hayley shows Stan what DJing really is)
- Stan (as he watches a YouTube video of a man spinning and scratching records): That's DJing? How am I supposed to learn that in two days?
- Hayley (as she picks up a record featuring Roger dressed as a woman and suggestively licking a guitar): Not by playing Roger Goes Down on Lillith Fair.
(after Stan comes out of his tea-induced trip)
- Stan (woozily): What...what's going on? How'd I get back here?
- Hayley: You never left. You've been on a psychedelic trip for 24 hours.
- Klaus: But you were never alone. I saw to that, bro.
- Hayley: Dad, we only have 20 minutes to get you to the DJ battle.
- Stan: So...I didn't beat Bullock.
- Klaus: No, Stan. You were just humming the Cheers theme song and shitting yourself.