American Dad! (season 9)
- Roger: Crap, I must've grabbed the helium tank!
- Roger: I just want to be as close to you as possible... Like John and Yoko... You're Yoko.
- Steve: You sound smart like Hugh Grant the movie star, but you're stupid like Hugh Grant the person!
- Stan: ...that guy.
(after Hayley and Jeff have sex)
- Hayley: Well, that was hotel sex. Still terrible.
- Avery Bullock: No one's that perfect and farts that deep.
- Roger: I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis, like most Chicago men.
- Roger: As a married woman, your only options for a friend are: fat woman, cat, gay guy, or food.
- [Roger, Stan, Betty and Francine all hold hands]
- Roger: God, are you there? It's me, Tom Yabo. [closes his eyes] I just wanna say thank you for sending me such an amazing woman and unbelievably generous to her. I mean, her giving to receiving ratio is like 3-1 minimum. Amen. So, Stan, how was work today?
- [Betty hands him sweet potatoes]
- Stan: Fun.
- Betty: Stan, you speak up and look at Tom when he's asking you a question.
- Stan: [louder] It was fine, okay?! [spits out his sweet potatoes]
- Betty: Stan, I worked really hard on this meal.
- Stan: Well, it's gross, and I don't like it.
- Roger: Come on, champ. Give it another try.
- Stan: SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! [knocks over the table and walks out]
- Betty: Stan!
- [Stan looks at photos of him and Snot]
- Steve: Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day. [puts it back in the envelope]
- Stan: Oh, is that a letter for Snot? I'll mail it for you.
- Steve: [hands Stan the letter] Thanks. This is my fifth letter to him. I hope this time he writes me back.
- Stan: Doubt it. Snot's probably moved on with his life and I think it's time you did too. [hands him a net] Here, I signed you up for lacrosse.
- Steve: Dad, I'm not a physical boy.
- Stan: Well, now that Snot's not here to drag you down, you can do anything. Let's see what you can do with that lacrosse stick.
- [Steve puts it on his head]
- Stan: What are you doing?
- Steve: Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?
- Stan: [sighs] I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.
- Roger: Now this is getting ridiculous! Want me to walk you home again?
- Jeff: It didn't help last time! [storms off]
- Roger: Sheesh, just trying to help the kid out. [the door closes offscreen, Roger stretches his arms, his bones crack] I'm gonna rape him this time.
- Toshi: Holy Methmoly!
- Subtitle: Jeepers, a methhead!
- Principal Lewis: My strength comes from above!!
- Francine: Any dumbass can have dumbass kids.
- Steve (tearfully): Mama, no.
- Stan: GO. THE HELL. TO FRANCE!!
- [Roger makes a rainbow]
- Francine: Oh my God! You can do that?
- Roger: Yeah, when I'm really happy.
- Francine: [walks through it] Ew.
- Roger: Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.
- Steve: [sighs] I'm gonna fail this assignment 'cause my dad won't open up.
- Snot: I'm gonna fail 'cause my dad went to Home Depot five years ago and never came back. Look, Steve, a lot of people feel more comfortable talking about personal things when it's not face-to-face.
- Barry: Maybe you should try calling your dad.
- Steve: I guess it's worth a shot.
[Snot passes a nearby phone to Steve, who dials. Stan eats in a Chinese restaurant when his phone rings, he picks up]
- Stan: Hello?
- Steve: Hey, Dad. What-what you up to?
- Stan: Eating lunch. I just needed a break from work, you know? Lately, I've been thinking about all the people I've had to kill.
[The scene shifts back to Steve and his friends, who listen in horror]
- Stan: God. The first five, ten times you take a life, it's eerie. You remember every detail. I can see all their faces. One had a beard. Each time I pulled the trigger, I tied a little knot in my memory that no amount of whiskey could loosen.
[Barry scoots away from the phone, highly disturbed]
- Stan: 'Course eventually, I just stopped caring. Now I can put a bullet through a man's head while figuring how much KFC to pick up on my way home. It's usually no more than a bucket. The sick thing is, I've come to love it-- snuffing out lives, I crave it. I feel like an angel of death. The Messenger of Eternal Darkness.
[Steve and his friends glance at each other uncomfortably. Barry is crouched under the bed, shivering in fear]
- Stan: A merciless demon with an unquenchable-- oh, they just put more orange chicken in the buffet. Gotta run.
[Stan hangs up. Steve slowly put the phone back on the receiver, while Barry cries]
- Steve: I can't turn this in. It's all about my dad killing people.
- Snot: Call your dad again and get him to talk about something else.
[he hands the phone to Steve. The scene cuts to Stan, once again eating in the Chinese restaurant. His phone rings, and he picks up]
- Stan: Hello?
- Steve: H-Hey, Dad.
- Stan: Son, glad you called. I was kind of bumming, thinking about your mom.
[the scene shifts back to Steve]
- Steve: What? Why?
- Stan: [groans] I feel our lovemaking has lost all of its intimacy.
[Steve and his friends' eyes widen]
- Stan: We're not attuned to each other's love energies. We're just slamming away.
- Steve: Dad! I-I'm here with the guys on speakerphone.
- Stan: Hey, guys. [the scene shifts back to him] Yeah, lovemaking sure can turn into sex without you even noticing it.
[the scene shifts to Steve. Snot, Barry, and Toshi now listen with rapt attention, while Steve sits uncomfortably]
- Stan: And why not? Sex with your mom feels great. It's easy to think maybe that is love.
[Steve attempts to hang up, but Snot stops him and takes the phone away from him, this sits with Barry and Toshi in a circle around it]
- Stan: And then there's the performer in me always trying to get your mom turned on. I pull her hair, choke her lightly-- or not so lightly...
- Steve: Dad, when you were my age, what was the cost of a loaf of bread?
- Stan: The focus becomes how hot she gets, how many times I can make her shudder with pleasure... [Snot, Barry, and Toshi snicker]
- Steve: Alright, this is enough.
[Steve goes to hang up, but Barry tackles him and covers his mouth. Steve struggles under Barry as Snot and Toshi stand up, Snot holding the phone]
- Snot: [in a poor impression of Steve] Dad, what do mom's boobs look like?
- Stan: I'll tell ya Snot, they're perfect. Creamy twins with faint blue veins running over them like cooling streams I can wash my face in.
[Steve and his friends are now in class, with Barry wrapping up his presentation]
- Barry: ...and that's why my dad didn't go to his dad's funeral, and why I won't go to my dad's funeral! [he crumples up his paper, throws it on the ground angrily, and storms off]
- Mr. Brink: Steve, you're up.
- Steve: Yeah. Uh, see... m-my dad wasn't really willing to answer the questions.
- Mr. Brink: Sounds like a whole lot of nonsense, Steve. You know what I think? I think you're just trying to get out of this assignment.
- Steve: [shortly] Oh, is that what you think? Okay, Mr. Brink, here we go. [Steve walks up in front of the class, pulls out his cellphone, and speed-dials Stan]
- Stan: Hello?
- Steve: Hey, Dad. I'm calling from my history class. So, who was president when you were a kid?
- Stan: Oh, I don't know, I guess I think about killing myself pretty frequently. And why not? What's so great about living? [Mr. Brink's eyes widen, while Steve simply looks bored] You know when I'm happy? For about five seconds in the morning when I first wake up, before I remember who I am and what my life is all about--
[Steve's classmates listen to Stan's monologue, extremely disturbed]
- Stan: [voice breaking] anxiety, disappointment... diarrhea more often than not. [sighs] I don't-- I don't know if there's an afterlife, but who cares? Nothingness couldn't be any worse than this meaningless march through my empty days. [Steve hangs up]
- Steve: See, Mr. Brink? [he looks up to see Mr. Brink is no longer at his desk] Mr. Brink?
[he looks to see Mr. Brink standing by the window.
- Mr. Brink: [sadly] He's right-- it's pointless. Life... dismissed. [he jumps out the window, and a loud, wet thud is heard right after]
- Patrick Stewart: Hello... I'm Patrick Stewart, theatre genius. Late last year, I found unsuccessful New York playwright Chester Winkle dead in his extended-stay hotel room. Among his belongings were a hot plate, a stack of Baby Gap catalogs, and 12 American Dad episodes he had written for the stage in one cocaine-fueled night. They were literally the finest collection of words ever put to paper. And now, we're proud to present the only one of Mr. Winkle's plays I didn't eat out of sheer jealousy: Blood Crieth Unto Heaven.
- Patrick Stewart: And now, we return to Act 2. Gezhundheit. Just kidding. The theatre can be a lonely place.
- Stan: It was the best day of my life. Until it was not that... at all.
- Francine: I wanted to be the mother of the first boy to whack it on the moon.
- Hayley: I should be dead, or at least, be able to control things with my mind.
- [Hayley in shock about Roger sending him into space]
- Hayley: What... the hell... just happened... my Jeff, my dear sweet...my dear sweet... my Jeffmmmm.
- [Roger shouting at Hayley while the Smiths are all in the car]
- Roger: Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.
- [Roger about to contact his home planet to let them pick him up]
- Roger: Do I have to go? My planet is freezing cold, there's no booze and sex is so boring up there, it's all consensual.
- Tearjerker: You haven't said a thing about my paintings.
- Stan: Am I out of my mind...or am I out of my socks?
- Stan (as he sprays Tearjerker): No! No!
- Tearjerker (screams): Ah! Detroit tap water!
- Roger: [whispering] Space rape.
- Francine: Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.
- Roger: Well, there are ways to get people to do what you want without they're knowing it.
- Francine: Are you suggesting I trick him?
- Roger: Sure, it's easy. I once got him to drink my pee by telling him it was a fancy beer.
- Francine: What an idiot.
- Stan: The church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the correct method of sex. In return, they taught us the correct method of sitting in second grade.
- Francine: [to an old friend] I haven't seen you in 10 years! Are you still 30?
(after Stan regains his memory and leaves the family to work at Futon World)
- Steve: Mama, when's Daddy coming home?
- Francine: Hopefully not before the futon market cools off.
- Steve: Roger, I need your help. There's a big crazy guy at school who wants to beat the crap out of me.
- [Roger takes his glasses and clothes off, then puts his glasses back on. he puts his hands together and inhales]
- Roger: I'm listening.
- Steve: We're supposed to fight Friday at 3:00. I only have two days to find a way out of it.
- Roger: I know a guy who loves a good fight. I'll give him a call. He'll take care of your problems.
- Steve: Oh, thank you. Wait, the guy's not gonna be you, is he?
- Roger: No, I promise.
- Steve: 'Cause a lot of times when you say "you know a guy", you're really just thinking about yourself.
- Roger: Fine! It was gonna be me, but since you're making a big deal about it, I'll call somebody else, okay? Stop figuring out my tricks! [crushes his desk with a bat and puts his clothes back on] My model plane.
- Jeff: So this ship...is just one big shopping mall?
- Steve: Roger, what the hell is... [sees that Roger's room has become a gym] Holy cow, you really do have a gym up here.
- [after Klaus has hit Stan on the head, knocking him out]
- Klaus: Stan, are you okay? You have to wake up. We have to go.
- [Stan regains consciousness and sees that Klaus' voice has come from his body]
- Klaus: Guten morgen, fish face!
- [Stan is shocked to see himself in Klaus' fish body]
- Stan: You son of a bitch! You switch us back right... [defecates] Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just pooped. Does it just float here? Why is my mind telling me to eat it?
[Steve walk into his room]
- Steve: Oh my stars, what a day!
[he sits on his bed, pulls his shoes, and starts massaging his foot. He presses a button on an answering machine on his table]
- Answering Machine: You have new messages.
- Steve: When did I get an answering machine?
- Roger (voicemail): Hey, Steve, how's it going? It's Roger over at Roger's Gym. Just wanted to follow up on your visit. Give me a shout when you can, no presh. Hope you're well, man. [machine beeps] Steve-O! Steve, Roger, Roger's Gym. Hey, I was talking to my manager, incredible deal just popped up, thought of you. Holla atcha, boi! Call immediately. [machine beeps] Steve, it's Rowdy Roddy Piper. No I'm just kidding, it's Roger. Just on a smoothie run, want to see what you wanted. I'll just grab you the protein power blend, meet you up in the gym in about fifteen, we'll get the sign-up outta the way. [a car horn and a huge crash is heard] Ah, you clipped me, bro! Make that twenty bud, I got clipped. I'm okay, not everybody's okay. Actually if you could get the smoothies, that would be a big help, and grab me a bagel would ya? YOU CLIPPED ME, CHIEF! [machine beeps, Roger whispers] Hey, Steve. Hey, I'm at the courthouse, I'm not supposed to have my phone. Three people died in that accident, they're saying it's my fault, but it's total crap. Anyways, listen, if you could just stop by the courthouse, drop off those smoothies, we could knock off that sign-up, I got the forms with me. My manager said he'd throw in a couple of pilates classes, I've never seen him do that.
- Other voice (voicemail): Hey, get off the phone!
- Roger (voicemail): [angrily] What'd you say to me?! [machine beeps]
- Snot (voicemail): Steve, it's Snot! Turn on the news, dude! Someone's going berserk at the courthouse shooting everybody up! [machine beeps]
- Roger (voicemail): Steve, it's Roge! Roge, the Dodge Charger, I'm back at the gym. Listen, my manager is freaking out about this deal I'm offering you, I can hold him off for a couple few. Call me... [Steve pushes the machine's button] Steve! [Steve pushes again] Steve-O! [Steve pushes again] S-Man! [Steve pushes again] Stefan Urkel! [Steve pushes again] Even Steven! [Steve pushes again] Steve-it-to-Steaver! [Steve pushes again] STEVEN, PICK UP THE FUCKING PHONE!! [Steve pushes again] Hi, calling for Steven Smith. [Steve pushes again, Roger speaks in poor feminine voice] Hello, Steve, this is the girl that you like.