American Dad! (season 9)

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American Dad! is an American adult animated sitcom created by created by Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker and Matt Weitzman.

Love, AD Style[edit]

Roger: Crap, I must've grabbed the helium tank!

Roger: I just want to be as close to you as possible... Like John and Yoko... You're Yoko.

Killer Vacation[edit]

Steve: You sound smart like Hugh Grant the movie star, but you're stupid like Hugh Grant the person!

Stan: ...that guy.

(after Hayley and Jeff have sex)

Hayley: Well, that was hotel sex. Still terrible.

Can I Be Frank (With You)[edit]

Avery Bullock: No one's that perfect and farts that deep.

Roger: I have equipped you with a mechanical voice box that will disguise your voice and make you sound like a man. I've also given you a micropenis, like most Chicago men.

Roger: As a married woman, your only options for a friend are: fat woman, cat, gay guy, or food.

American Stepdad[edit]

[Roger, Stan, Betty and Francine all hold hands]
Roger: God, are you there? It's me, Tom Yabo. [closes his eyes] I just wanna say thank you for sending me such an amazing woman and unbelievably generous to her. I mean, her giving to receiving ratio is like 3-1 minimum. Amen. So, Stan, how was work today?
[Betty hands him sweet potatoes]
Stan: Fun.
Betty: Stan, you speak up and look at Tom when he's asking you a question.
Stan: [louder] It was fine, okay?! [spits out his sweet potatoes]
Betty: Stan, I worked really hard on this meal.
Stan: Well, it's gross, and I don't like it.
Roger: Come on, champ. Give it another try.
Stan: SHUT UP, YOU'RE NOT MY DAD! [knocks over the table and walks out]
Betty: Stan!

Why Can't We Be Friends?[edit]

[Stan looks at photos of him and Snot]
Steve: Oh, Snot. You were wearing your bathing suit as underwear that day. [puts it back in the envelope]
Stan: Oh, is that a letter for Snot? I'll mail it for you.
Steve: [hands Stan the letter] Thanks. This is my fifth letter to him. I hope this time he writes me back.
Stan: Doubt it. Snot's probably moved on with his life and I think it's time you did too. [hands him a net] Here, I signed you up for lacrosse.
Steve: Dad, I'm not a physical boy.
Stan: Well, now that Snot's not here to drag you down, you can do anything. Let's see what you can do with that lacrosse stick.
[Steve puts it on his head]
Stan: What are you doing?
Steve: Playing lunch lady. Pizza or sloppy joe?
Stan: [sighs] I am pissed off because you're doing that and now I want a sloppy joe and I know you don't really have one.

Adventures in Hayleysitting[edit]

Toshi: Holy Methmoly!
Subtitle: Jeepers, a methhead!

National Treasure 4: Baby Franny: She's Doing Well: The Hole Story[edit]

Principal Lewis: My strength comes from above!!

Francine: Any dumbass can have dumbass kids.
Steve (tearfully): Mama, no.

Finger Lenting Good[edit]

Stan: GO THE HELL TO FRANCE!!

The Adventures of Twill Ongenbone and His Boy Jabari[edit]

[Roger makes a rainbow]
Francine: Oh my God! You can do that?
Roger: Yeah, when I'm really happy.
Francine: [walks through it] Ew.
Roger: Yeah, it's made out of pee-pee.

Blood Crieth Unto Heaven[edit]

Patrick Stewart: Hello... I'm Patrick Stewart, theatre genius. Late last year, I found unsuccessful New York playwright Chester Winkle dead in his extended-stay hotel room. Among his belongings were a hot plate, a stack of Baby Gap catalogs, and 12 American Dad episodes he had written for the stage in one cocaine-fueled night. They were literally the finest collection of words ever put to paper. And now, we're proud to present the only one of Mr. Winkle's plays I didn't eat out of sheer jealousy: Blood Crieth Unto Heaven.

Patrick Stewart: And now, we return to Act 2. Gezhundheit. Just kidding. The theatre can be a lonely place.

Stan: It was the best day of my life. Until it was not that... at all.

Max Jets[edit]

Francine: I wanted to be the mother of the first boy to whack it on the moon.

Hayley: I should be dead, or at least, be able to control things with my mind.

Naked to the Limit, One More Time[edit]

[Hayley in shock about Roger sending him into space]
Hayley: What... the hell... just happened... my Jeff, my dear sweet...my dear sweet... my Jeffmmmm.
[Roger shouting at Hayley while the Smiths are all in the car]
Roger: Hurry up, Hayley. You're sitting in the middle.

[Roger about to contact his home planet to let them pick him up]
Roger: Do I have to go? My planet is freezing cold, there is no booze and sex is so boring up there, it's all consensual.

For Black Eyes Only[edit]

Tearjerker: You haven't said a thing about my paintings.

Stan: Am I out of my mind...or am I out of my socks?

Stan (as he sprays Tearjerker): No! No!
Tearjerker (screams): Ah! Detroit tap water!

Spelling Bee My Baby[edit]

Roger: [whispering] Space raped.
Francine: Any man who ever did anything great was just trying to show up some piece of ass who didn't give him any.

The Missing Kink[edit]

Roger: Well, there are ways to get people to do what you want without they're knowing it.
Francine: Are you suggesting I trick him?
Roger: Sure, it's easy. I once got him to drink my pee by telling him it was a fancy beer.
Francine: What an idiot.

Stan: The church sent missionaries to America to teach the Indians the correct method of sex. In return, they taught us the correct method of sitting in second grade.

The Boring Identity[edit]

Francine: [to an old friend] I haven't seen you in 10 years! Are you still 30?

(after Stan regains his memory and leaves the family to work at Futon World)

Steve: Mama, when's Daddy coming home?
Francine: Hopefully not before the futon market cools off.

The Full Cognitive Redaction of Avery Bullock by the Coward Stan Smith[edit]

Steve: Roger, I need your help. There's a big crazy guy at school who wants to beat the crap out of me.
[Roger takes his glasses and clothes off, then puts his glasses back on. he puts his hands together and inhales]
Roger: I'm listening.
Steve: We're supposed to fight Friday at 3:00. I only have two days to find a way out of it.
Roger: I know a guy who loves a good fight. I'll give him a call. He'll take care of your problems.
Steve: Oh, thank you. Wait, the guy's not gonna be you, is he?
Roger: No, I promise.
Steve: 'Cause a lot of times when you say "you know a guy", you're really just thinking about yourself.
Roger: Fine! It was gonna be me, but since you're making a big deal about it, I'll call somebody else, okay? Stop figuring out my tricks! [crushes his desk with a bat and puts his clothes back on] My model plane.

Lost in Space[edit]

Jeff: So this ship...is just one big shopping mall?

Da Flippity Flop[edit]

Steve: Roger, what the hell is... [sees that Roger's room has become a gym] Holy cow, you really do have a gym up here.

[after Klaus has hit Stan on the head, knocking him out]
Klaus: Stan, are you okay? You have to wake up. We have to go.
[Stan regains consciousness and sees that Klaus' voice has come from his body]
Klaus: Guten morgen, fish face!
[Stan is shocked to see himself in Klaus' fish body]
Stan: You son of a bitch! You switch us back right... [defecates] Oh, God. Oh, my God. I just pooped. Does it just float here? Why is my mind telling me to eat it?