American Dad! (season 15)
- Snot: Hanukkah's always been second fiddle to Christmas. We don't have any catchy songs or Santa. This is a tough time of the year for us.
- Roger: [as Uncle Roger] Are there, or have there ever been, other tough times for Jewish people?
- Snot: Yes.
[Sung by Roger and Snot to the tune of Jingle Bells]
- Roger: Jingle bells, Santa smells, everything's so lame/Christmastime is such a grind. Hey, don't push me away. Hey!
- Snot: Jingle bells, I'm unwell, watching others play/They have fun but I am bummed because Santa skips my place
[The two, in Roger's car, drive through the Langley Falls Shopping Mall]
- Roger: Crashing through the mall, 'cause I'm driving while I'm baked/But I don't care at all
- Snot: I was crying the whole way
- Roger: Ha! Ha! Ha!/See that Christmas tree, all those kids in line/All we see is red and green and a few ugly hate crimes
[They drive through the mall passing the Christmas tree, Santa, decorations, and bullies hassling a Jewish kid, all while causing mass destruction]
- Snot: Oh, jingle bells, hear me yell, Jewish gifts are dumb/What's in the box? Oh, it's just socks and not a paintball gun
- Roger: Jingle bells, this is hell, Hanukkah's so lame/Compared to this, it's like a bris, just chop my dick away!
[The two pull over and stand on the top of the car]
- Snot: Just chop!
- Roger: Just chop!
- Both: Just chop my dick away!
- Roger: So kids, if you want presents from Schmanta this year, don't put out milk and cookies, put out lox and bagels. And call your mother, she's very worried about you.
- Snot: That's the Star of David.
- Roger: David? Screw that guy! Wait, should I screw that guy? [to an elf] Put out some feelers to David, see if he's DTF.
- Snot: Yeah. David is not DTF, because he's been dead for 4,000 years.
- Roger: Done worse. [whispers] I fucked a chicken.
[Roger greets a Conspiracy Con attendee]
- Roger: Welcome to Conspiracy Con! Will you be paying with untraceable bitcoin or... [the man holds a money jar up to him] A big jar of filthy change. Nice. Keepin' it O.G. [he hand the attendee a badge and sprays him with two different bottles] Now, here's your badge and two pumps of deer urine to repel Bigfoot-- and a little CK One, because now you smell like piss.
[In the kitchen, Francine carefully places single stalks of celery in a ziplock bag as lunch for Stan. Stan walks in and looks at her disappointedly]
- Stan: Francine. Celery? Those better be giant gummy celeries, or I'm gonna have a full meltdown.
- Francine: Sorry, I didn't get to the market yesterday. Stan, you'd tell me if you were a lizard, right?
- Stan: Okay, I'll bite. What in God's name are you talking about?
- Francine: Roger's hosting Conspiracy Con in the attic.
- Stan: That's what going on up there? I assumed those creeps were here for a Roger sex thing.
[Roger walks into the kitchen]
- Roger: Don't beat yourself up, Stan. We're also having sex. [he pulls a box of aluminum foil out of one of the kitchen drawers] The electro-radiation booth's running low on foil. [chuckling] Those guys use it for everything. The condoms hurt like hell, but I'm not ready to be a mother.
- Roger: Oh, crap! The foil got lost inside me. Francine, if you're going to the store, pick me up some Plan B and a magnet!
- Mrs. Lonstein: Air hockey?
- Klaus: No thanks, I don't feel like playing.
- Mrs. Lonstein: Aw, you're gonna make me play with myself?
- Del: You ruined it! You ruined it when you sat on that fish's face!
- Snot: What's happening, Steve? [sobbing]
- Klaus: Yep, that's a wrap on Chesterbrook!
The Census of the Lambs
- [Stan plays the clarinet he stole from the Law and Order convention]
- Security Guard: I heard it! Play it again, you coward!
- Stan: I'm not a coward, Francine.
- Francine: Then let's blow it together, outlaw. [They kiss while playing the clarinet]
- Steve: Every year.
- Barry: I feel like I’ve seen something like this done before.
- Klaus: No, no, it’s all original. These are fresh ideas, obviously, Barry. Can you lean in a little? I want to match the image I have in my mind.
- Snot: What a shutter slut.
- Toshi: [in Japanese] When did we all get jealous about this?
- [A scantily dressed woman in handcuffs gives Steve information on finding an expert on eggs]
- Steve: Thank you. You’ve been a very helpful prostitute.
- Woman: Prostitute?! How dare you! I was doing insider trading!
- Detective: And I got that on tape.
- [Commander is examing on the egg]
- Roger: Careful. Nice and easy. Slowly. Real careful-like.
- Commander: [yelling] I KNOW!
- Roger: Eyes on the egg! Don't get distracted!
- Steve: You're not gonna get away with this! I snuck on a walkie-talkie and alerted the other Protectors.
- Roger: How did you sneak on a walkie-talkie? I did repeated full-cavity searches!
- Steve: It was in my pocket.
- Steve: Oh, my life. It's flashing before my eyes.
- [Steve experiences a lengthy flashback of his family immigrating from Italy and experiencing life in the 50's. He steals cookies from Francine, attends his fist communion, and witnesses Snot die from a car bomb]
- Steve: What the hell is in that sauce?
The Mural of the Story
- Steve: The teacher here is supposed to be the most intense and demanding instructor in all of clowning, and--[immediate realization hits him] shit, it's Roger, isn't it? It's gonna be Roger.
[Roger enters wearing clown makeup, carrying a clipboard, and wearing an outfit similar to that of J.K. Simmons' in Whiplash]
- Roger: Alright, jagoffs. The name's H.J. Rimmens. Look to your left. Look to your right. By the end of the semester, 60% of you will be dead by your own hand. The rest will be clowns, ya dig?
- Steve: Okay, I'm outta here.
- Roger: [checks clipboard] Huh. I'm-- I'm a little confused, because you said here on your application you wanted to be a clown.
- Steve: [whispers] More than anything.
- Roger: So what's your gooch? [to the other students] "Gooch" is horncorn for clown name. "Horncorn" is horncorn for clown lingo. Gonna be honkin' a lot of horncorn around here, ya dig? [to Steve] So what's your gooch, kid?
- Steve: Dimples.
- Roger: Dimples? Pretty buckety gooch, don't ya think? [to students] More horncorn. [chuckles, then turns back to Steve] Relax, just sliding your whistle. Why don't you show us what you got?
- Steve: I...uh...
- Roger: Come on man, no pressure. Just lay a little jape on these cats. Whatever you got. No big.
[Steve pulls juggling balls out of his pants and juggles, but they don't come back down. Steve looks confused, then the balls fall on his head one at a time. He slips on a ball, falls over, and farts]
- Roger: Fart was a nice touch. Smells, too. Ladies and gentleman, we could be looking at the next Emmet Kelly... [Steve smiles] of sucking!
- Steve: [disappointed] Ohh.
- Roger: That's right, you nut-lickin' little turds! I ain't here to hold your hands! I'm here to play mind games and emotionally abuse you into being clowns! [he kicks on the the balls, it bounces off a wall offscreen and hits his crotch, he falls over in pain] That's clowning, you shitheads!
- Roger: Well, kid... you suck...
- Steve: [disappointed] Mm.
- Roger: ...ceded beautifully...
- Steve: [hopefully] Mm?
- Roger: ...at being god-awful...
- Steve:[disappointed] Mm.
- Roger: ...is the opposite of how I feel.
- Steve:[hopefully] ...Mm?
- Roger: Psych! You stink, and I hate you. [Roger pulls Steve down by his bowtie and speaks directly into his face] Now get this through your skull, man, 'cause I don't play mind games. You will never be a clown.
- Roger: You got potential, kid, and you can't teach that. You know what? I host a little retreat every summer at my house on Block Island for just a handful of my most promising students. No real structure, we just honk a little buffoonery, lay some japes, blow each other-- you know, clown stuff. And I think you could make the cut.
- Steve: Really?
- Roger: If you push yourself to the absolute limit. [a goofy ringtone plays, and Roger pulls out his phone] Uhp, I gotta take this. It's my ac-clown-tant. You know, a clown-accountant. He's got this giant calculator that only ever adds up to "boobs." Pretty funny, but frankly, I think he's been stealing from me.
(You Gotta) Strike for Your Right
- Klaus: So many people dead. Breaking Bad is depressing!
- Steve: For the saps who watch the show in regular order!
- Roger: Yep... for us "reversos", and Christian Scientists, I think, death is but the beginning of the story.
- Stan: There is a time and a place for striking.
- Hayley: When management puts profits above the health and welfare of the workers who earn it for them?
- Stan: What? No. When you need to destroy an organization from the inside.
- Hayley: You're such a dick, Dad.
- Stan: Speaking of being a dick...you're not gonna love this. [He puts a bag over Hayley's head]
- Hayley: Oh, man! This bag better be reusable!
- Roger: Steve was right to hold out for something better.
- Hayley: Why? What's he got going on?
- Roger: He's going to Rhode Island with Stan, see the Harlem Globetrotters.
- Francine: Goddamn Klaus.
- Francine: People are actually watching this?
- Klaus: Hundreds!
- Hayley: And you can make money from it?
- Klaus: Thousands!
- Roger: It'll take more than just shouting numbers to get me on board.
- Klaus: Millions!
- Roger: Well, you called my bluff. I'm in.
Death by Dinner Party
- Jeff: Roger said I have to stay in the closet because I'm dead. Do I get to be alive, now?
- Hayley: Sorry, babe.
- Jeff: It's okay. I've got my animal crackers and my bathroom bucket.
- Roger: How did you know what I would do and say?
- Steve: That's where I come in. I wrote over 1,800 pages of dialogue to account for any possibility. We spent months rehearsing to make sure we got the performances just right.
- Tuttle: Vikram threatened to walk out multiple times.
- Steve: But Vikram killed it.
The Never-Ending Stories
- Stan: This was their last known location. They couldn't have gotten far.
- Roger: That's what I thought the first time Dimitri ran away from home. Found him in a Burger King restroom three towns over. Thank God it was a glory hole hotspot. Reached out to my vast network of glory boys. Within hours I was relaxed enough to look for Dimitri on my own.
- Hayley: We appreciate you listening more, Dad, but when are you gonna get your tongue reattached?
- Stan: Roger won't give it back.
- Roger: That's 'cause I'm still waiting for that dinner.
- Steve: Roger...
- Roger: All right, fine. [He pulls a Gramophone out of his butt] This is gonna take a minute, Stan.
- Stan (reading Deputy Director Bullock's text message): "I'll be back to teach tomorrow. I got kicked out for not jerking it in the steam room."
- Roger: Steve, you cannot be seen with those losers during an election. I got you new friends.
- Steve: New friends?! If you think I'm gonna abandon... [Three ripped, shirtless teen boys enter] Make sure those dorks don't sneak in through the back.
- Roger: We need to spend all day tomorrow prepping, because the debates are Thursday.
- Stan: Isn't today Thursday?
- Roger: If you're right -- and I'm beginning to think you are -- I slept 36 hours last night.
[as Rogu grabs on to Stan's head hole both are in Ricky Spanish outfits]
- Roger: Rogu! Did you make that little Ricky Spanish outfit all by yourself? That is so clever! He's clearly very advanced. Some people-- HOLY SHIT!
[Rogu uses a switchblade to cut Stan's throat, backflips off him, and stows away his switchblade. Red liquid bursting from his throat, Stan wipes some on his hands, then collapses. Roger dips his hand in the liquid]
- Roger: Oh, phew. It's not blood. That's just the polymer gel from the suit's lining that gives its...you know...alien...properties.
[Roger takes the outfit off Stan, and the skin suit. Stan wakes and sits up to face Roger]
- Stan: I see. The power of the costume infected the skin suit too, so you had to strip it off completely.
- Roger: [while staring at Stan's crotch] Yeah. Yeah, sure.
- Rogu: [points to Stan's crotch] Oooooooooooh.
- [In falsetto from shock at seeing Francine's new figure]
- Stan: B-b-b-b-boner from body! Body give boner! Beautiful body give baby boner! Oh mommy!
- Doctor: Are you guys on drugs?
- Roger: Very much.
- Stan: Yes. An incredible amount, yes.
Top of the Steve
- Headmistress Mahoney: Enjoy your last night at Pendlingtonton. I assume you'll need the next 12 hours to pack up all your jock straps and Gold Bond.
- Steve: Am I the first man you've ever met?
- Headmistress Mahoney: Come in, Steve.
- Steve: I didn't even knock.
- Headmistress Mahoney: Oh, I could hear your little pecker swinging to and fro all the way down the hall. Clanging against your thighs like a church bell.
(as Roger and Steve are running away from the students and Headmistress Mahoney, they stop at a locker where a Latina girl pops out)
- Latina Girl: Hola, Steve. I'm the new foreign exchange student. In less than three years, this performance will be considered offensive.
(after Steve and Roger get "expelled" from Pendlingtonton for trying to sing Hey Jude by The Beatles, which puts Steve's spin-off overbudget)
- Van Driver: No Beatles ever!
The Future is Borax
- Stan: [Trying to save their marriage with a balloon ride] And now our last hope is a balloon shaped like my nutsack.
- Francine: You wish your nutsack was as red as this.
- Steve: [Regarding their entry in the Pizza Overlord Jingles contest] For ours, I wrote the melody, and Klaus wrote the lyrics. I can't stress that enough: Klaus wrote the lyrics.