American Dad! (season 3)
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Camp Refoogee [3.01]
- Stan: Steve, camp is an amazing place. You get to swim in the lake, drink bug juice, ring the bell if you win the Camp-A-Lympics. Oh, and then there's "camp love." It's such an intense experience, like winning the Grammy for Best R&B performance, duo, or group.
- Steve: Dad, for the last time, you were not in Boyz II Men.
- Stan: [singing] Whatever.
- Steve: Dad, they just kidnapped Makeva!
- Stan: All right, I understand "kidnapped." But what is "Makeva"? Ugh, I bet that little girl they stole could have told me.
- Debbie: Welcome to my sanctuary. Look at them scurrying around like ants. Go ahead, exercise all you want. You'll never escape the smoky death of times magnifying glass.
- Steve: Wow, that's a little dark.
- Debbie: Not at all. Life is a banquet and death a dessert.
- Steve: I love dessert!
- [Stan is at an anorexia support group, consisting entirely of anorexic teenage girls]
- Counselor: Eating disorders are no laughing matter, young lady.
- Stan: Young lady?
- Counselor: Now, now, I know in the locker rooms in high school, you feel uncomfortable about your body.
- Stan: I'm not in high school!
- Counselor: When was the last time you menstruated?
- Stan: I've never menstruated!
- Counselor: [to the rest of the class] You hear that, girls? Cautionary tale: Anorexia will dry up your ovaries like tobacco in the sun. Now, instead of starving yourselves, let's think of better ways at getting back at Daddy, like marrying a black dude?
- Repo Man: Here to repo the cars.
- Steve: You can't do that. We're about to become men.
- Repo Man: Well you may have planned on becoming men through sexual conquest, but perhaps an equally valid preparation for adulthood would be a night filled with disappointment and compromise.
Lincoln Lover [3.04]
Dungeons and Wagons [3.05]
- [Steve is playing Dragonscuffle while Klaus is watching]
- Klaus: Please, let me play!
- Steve: I don't think you're ready yet.
- Klaus: Not ready? I've been watching you for four years!
- Steve: Night time. [covers his bowl with a cloth]
- Klaus: I'm not a parrot. That trick won't work on- [snores]
- Francine: I feel like we're in a rut.
- Stan: A good rut, like 200 years of democracy or a bad rut, like UNICEF?
Iced, Iced Babies [3.06]
- Francine: It's so cute that Steve has a little girlfriend.
- Stan: Well, don't tell Debbie about her because she'll eat her.
- Roger: You just earned yourself a week of detention!
- Hayley: There's no detention in college.
- Roger: Oh. Right. Well, then I'm taking away fifty points from Gryffindor!!
Of Ice and Men [3.07]
- Grandson: Wait, someone accidentally ordered a woman in the mail? Grandpa, is this the same story?
- Grandpa Klaus: No, it is a little side story. I'm using it to break up the main story so you don't get bored.
- Grandson: Are we part of the story, Grandpa?
- Grandpa Klaus: Oh nononono. No, we are a "framing device".
- Francine: This is the first time in twenty winters we've done anything together, and now you're dumping me to skate with Roger?! Why, Stan, why?
- Stan: Well, honey, I-
- Francine: I'll tell you why. Because winning some stupid contest means more to you than your own wife!
- Stan: Yes. Thanks you. That would've sounded awful coming out from my mouth.
Irregarding Steve [3.08]
- Roger: I want a popcorn maker for my attic.
- Stan: Don't be stupid, Roger. The attic is above sea level, and popcorn doesn't pop above sea level. I know, I've spent time in Denver.
- [Steve is confronting Roger after the stock that Roger invests in plummets to zero.]
- Steve: What the hell was that?! You said "SJP" was a sure thing!
- Roger: I don't understand, SJP is in the new Spielberg movie; it's gonna be huge!
- Steve: What are you talking about?! SJP is a Canadian chiropractic supplies company!
- Roger: You mean it's... not Sarah Jessica Parker?
- Steve: What?! No!
- Roger: Isn't this the Hollywood Stock Exchange? You know, where you buy and sell celebrity stocks based on the ups and down of their careers?
- Steve: No!
- Roger: Oh... Then what is all this?
- Steve: This is the New York Stock Exchange!
- Roger: Like in the movie Wall Street? I thought that was Hollywood make-believe, like children of every color being at the same McDonald's.
- Steve: But back home, you said you were about to make a fortune in silver!
- Roger: Ron Silver!
The Best Christmas Story Never [3.09]
- Stan: Ah, the lighting of the town Christmas tree- can you think of anything more American?
- Steve: An American flag?
- Stan: Or. Or an American flag with Christmas trees for stars! Ooh, that would make a good cake. [pulls out personal tape recorder] Note to self: I like cake.
- Donald Sutherland: Lets talk about it over dinner. Say...my place?
- Stan: Let's talk about it over your brains. Say...all over the place? Ha Ha. Fantastic.
Bush Comes to Dinner [3.10]
- Steve: Dollywood?
- Roger: Dolly Parton's theme park! The rides give you the same experience as looking at her - fun from far way, but really scary up close. Anyway, it's on sale for $50 million.
- Steve: You moron! You can't get $50 million for a kidney!
- Roger: Would it hurt to say "Good idea, Roger" once in a while? [pulls out a bottle of vodka from the tub.] This was to celebrate!
- Stan: Lies. It's like you have to lie to live. You're a lie-abetic. You have lie-abetes. Twice a day, you have to take a shot of insu-lyin'.
American Dream Factory [3.11]
- Francine: You want your money, you unsupportive jerk? Fine! Here's your $5,000 back.
- Stan: You made all this in one day?
- Francine: That's right, I did. Through hard work and giving people incorrect change.
- Hayley: He's an unregistered visitor.
- Stan: [gasps] You mean an illegal alien?
- Hayley: What happened to the land of the free? These people have the right to be here.
- Stan: People? They're parasites sucking on the rich blood of America. And we need that blood to shed for oil.
A.T. The Abusive Terrestrial [3.12]
- Stan: I can't believe you're still upset. It's been a week.
- Francine: You called me a pig.
- Stan: I didn't say you were a pig. I said that dress made you look like a pig. And those shoes didn't help. All your fat, sweaty toes shoved in there like 20 Hondurans stuffed in a giant... shoe.
- Hayley: What's wrong with you? You look horrible.
- Klaus: I've had this flu for, like, 2 weeks. I started to feel better on Tuesday, but then I pushed it and now I have this darker mucus and...
- Hayley: I was talking to Steve.
- Klaus: [sarcastically] Are you sure you don't want to be a nurse, Hayley? You're so caring!
Black Mystery Month [3.13]
- Steve: You mean Jenga?
- Roger: Well, I think it's pronounced Henga, but if you wanna crap all over the Spanish language, go ahead.
- Steve: Now the world will never know the truth.
- Stan: If only there was a place where you could make any outrageous claim you want with absolutely no proof, and millions of people would accept it as fact.
- Steve: That's it!
- [cutaway to Steve writing a Wikipedia article on "The Truth About Peanut Butter"]
An Apocalypse to Remember [3.14]
- Steve: [referencing to Stan] What a boob.
- Stan: What was that, Steve?
- Steve: Um, I... asked Hayley if I could squeeze her boob.
- Stan: I love it when you kids get along.
- Hayley: How long were you planning on keeping us up here? Forever?
- Stan: What? No! [kicks down the sign "Smith family graveyard" next to him]
Four Little Words [3.15]
- Francine: [teaching Indian children] Okay, children, pay attention, because you need to learn English to survive. Repeat after me: "Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support."
- Indian Children: [in unison] Thank you for calling Apple Tech Support.
- [A bloodcurdling human scream is heard from off camera]
- Francine: There's the bell. I'll see all of you who don't die of cholera tomorrow at 8:00.
- [A sickly-looking wolf effortlessly grabs one of the Indian boys and drags him off]
- Francine: You bastard! [punches Stan in the face, knocking the clothes pin off his nose]
- Stan: [sniffing] Ugh! Oh God, it's like being in a sauna with Michael Chiklis!
- Francine: You made me think I was a murderer?! Do you have any idea what a nightmare you put me through?! I prayed to a freaking elephant! How am I gonna explain THAT to Jesus?!
When a Stan Loves a Woman [3.16]
- Steve: [explaining how he got tickets to Battlestar Galactica On Ice] How does anybody anything? Look, they're 20 bucks a pop. You want 'em or not? 'Cause if you don't want 'em, I got other people I can sell 'em to. Bruce Willis wants 'em. That girl who played Tank Girl. What's her name? Yeah, she wants 'em.
- [After Stan tells the story of how he married Joanna at the beach.]
- Francine: What the FUCK is GOING ON?!
- Steve: [doing cartwheels] I'll take care of you, Mom. I'm a wagon wheel!
I Can't Stan You [3.17]
- Stan: [to Francine, after he hears the neighbors badmouth him] They all hate me! It's like our wedding all over again... except this time I'm you!
- [Stan, using CIA powers, has seized the houses of all his neighbors]
- Stan: In other words, there goes the neighborhood. [laughs] Ordinarily that would have racist implications, but I've actually done something far worse.
The Magnificent Steven [3.18]
- [Barry is holding an axe with blood all over his shirt. He has killed a calf named Rosie]
- Barry: Her eyes said, "Why?"
- Stan: [eating a cut of face meat] Yeah, you can still see the look of betrayal. Can't grill that off.
- Stan: [affected by mad cow disease] You boys see these owls? Get out of here, owls! Stop pecking at my face! I will not buy your encyclopedias! I can't read your language, I can only speak it. [hoots]
Joint Custody [3.19]
- Stan: Why can't Jeff live with his family?!
- Hayley: He hasn't spoken to his dad in years, and his mom ran away before he was born.
- Stan: How... how could she do that?
- [Roger and Stan are stoned on marijuana smoke and wasting time at the local convenience store]
- Roger: Why do my wrists hurt?!
- Stan: Because you're lying on them.
- Roger: How can you hear what I'm thinking?