American Dad! (season 14)
- Klaus: Damn, Steve! You wake up camera ready, lucky dog! Takes me hours to shake that “just woke up” look.
- Steve: No time for what?
- Klaus: And your morning voice sounds clear as a sparrow! Me? Forget about it! No phone calls before noon.
- Steve: Klaus, I have to get started on my dad’s present.
- Klaus: Damn, and no morning breath? Do you sleep with mints in your mouth?
- Hayley: It turns out the only thing that makes you a good dad is being a guilty dad.
- Stan: Yeah! And that's the true meaning of Father's Day.
- Steve: NO!!
- Francine: That's just a character flaw!
- Stan: Noticing my flaws... and my strengths. Is that the true meaning of Father's Day?
- Steve: Dad, I'll explain it all in the back of that guy's pickup.
Fight and Flight
- Mr. Herschel: Look, this vape pen isn't gonna smoke itself behind the gym. The "F" stands.
- Steve: F? F? F? F? F?! F?! F?! F?!
- Toshi: [in Japanese] He's gonna lose his shit!
- [Steve starts screaming]
- Barry: Don't worry, Barry know what to do! [He grabs Snot's Zoloft, tackles Steve and dumps several pills in his mouth]
- Steve: [slowly] Now it's just gonna take me longer to finish freaking out.
- Stan: [reviewing Steve's script] This still doesn't feel like a guaranteed "A". Atlantic Ocean? Pacific's bigger. Steve's teacher will find that much more impressive.
- Steve: I think maybe he'll care a little bit more about historical accuracy.
- Stan: Uh... if I didn't care about historical accuracy, would I have stolen the actual Spirit of St. Louis from the Smithsonian?
- Steve: What?!
- Stan: The toughest part was convincing the guard I came in with it.
The Enlightenment of Ragi-Baba
- Hayley:Why don't you come down to the yoga and meditation center with me? I think it could really help you learn to love yourself.
- Roger: I love myself all the time. At least once in the morning, and usually right before I go to sleep.
- Hayley: Well, it sounds like your afternoon's wide open.
- Roger: Yeah, we can go right after I jerk off.
- Steve: Should should we turn on the TV?
- Francine: I hope you guys are hungry, because I got us dinner reservations! We're gonna try something new and exciting. Sushi.
- Stan: Geez, Francine, we just tried stromboli two years ago. Can you let us catch our damn breath?
- Francine:Oh, please, Stan. You know I've been wanting to get more culture in our lives.
- Stan: Culture? I thought you said you wanted more vulture in our lives. Fine, I'll go, but you'll have to figure out what to do with these gentlemen.
- Vulture 1: It's alright we've got tickets for the theater, and if we don't leave now, we shall miss the curtain. I'll have Marcus bring up the car.
- Vulture 2: Marcus is another bird.
- Roger: I'm so nervous Hayley What if everyone notices me and calls me names? What if one of the names is Piss Head?
- Hayley: Roger, this place is about removing your anxiety. They love me, and they're going to love you too.
- Gina: Okay. Welcome, everyone. I hope I'm not being too forceful.
- Chad: You're fine I'm Chad, this is Gina, and this is a giant crystal. The three of us will be guiding you today. Oh, it looks like we have some new faces here.
Portrait of Francine's Genitals
- Principal Lewis: Steve, what's gotten into you? Your skin is clear, your voice sounds deeper.
- Steve: Oh, it started happening once I stopped touching myself all the time.
- Principal Lewis: Funny. I find the more I touch myself, the deeper my voice gets.
- Steve: Let's just say I hope Lindsay's call was monitored and recorded, 'cause it was sexy as hell!
- Klaus: Oh, Steve.
- Steve: You sound just like Lindsay!
- Stan: Ah, Saturday afternoon TV. Where the sneaky networks hide all the good shows. [changes channel] A guy with question marks on his suit yelling tax secrets at me. [changes channel] Rick Steves' Glory Hole in Europe. [changes channel] And of course, the secret final episode of Caroline in the City.
- [Cut to Caroline carrying an axe covered in blood with a crazed look on her face looking at her other cast members brutally killed]
- Caroline: Now the city is mine!
- [Stan laughs hysterically]
- Stan: Still holds up!
- Roger: Well, suck me off through a hole and call me Rick Steves, what is this?
- Steve: It's Baywatch. You've never seen Baywatch?
- Francine: You like this, Roger?
- Roger: Franny, I like the smell of gasoline. I like to play with Stan's ding-a-ling while he sleeps. This... this I love!
- Stan: Wait, wh-what was that second thing?
- Hayley: Where did you get a pregnancy test with sound effects?
- Jeff: At Spencer's Gifts.
- Roger: Let’s call him Jeff. I’m starting to think Tristan is a gay lion’s name.
Ninety North, Zero West
- Francine: Santa has kidnapped Steve!
- Jack: Steve Harvey? Santa's gone too far this time!
- Santa: So you're really not here to foil my plans?
- Steve: No, I swear! I was just trying to have a nice Christmas.
- Santa: Then what am I hassling you for? [to his henchman] Cut his throat. But make it Christmas-y
Whole Slotta Love
- Steve: You don't know anything about being a flight attendant.
- Roger: But I do know comedy, and that's all that matters at Southwest.
- Hayley: With you there, people should check their sensitivities at the gate.
- Roger: Oh my God, that's like a perfect Southwest joke! I want that joke!
- Klaus: I've been experimenting with steroids. It's awesome! Now I wear tank tops with the thinnest straps you've ever seen.
- Francine: When you're married to a sexy man, there's always gonna be some bush-league snizz trying to storm the castle.
- Francine: What am I doing?! Drinking Windex and fertilizer and talking to the voices in my head?! This ends now!
The Witches of Langley
- Toshi: [in Japanese] This day has been badass.
- Steve: It sure has, Toshi, my friend. Hey! I understand Tosh!
- Toshi: [in Japanese] Finally! Now that we can communicate, there is something I must tell you... I absolutely adore the Pirates of the Caribbean movies.
- Steve: Oh. Cool.
- Snot: We used the book, and it worked. But then all the power went straight to Steve's head.
- Roger: When you're older, I'll show you where all the power goes straight to on me.
A Nice Night for a Drive
- Steve: This is pretty high up. What if the egg shatters their windshield?
- Snot: I thought you might say that. [He pulls out a cracked egg] Pre-cracked shells.
- Steve: God, you know me.
- Klaus: Vaginas don't count. They're like all over the place. Throw a rock, you'll hit three.
- Roger (as he's coming in the kitchen, pulling a cart): In a school fire, you gotta know what you want, 'cuz the clock is ticking, but I nailed it. I got an overhead projector, a hand turkey by "Emily C.", and 12 dozen smoke-damaged copies of Hatchet.
- Hayley: Oh yeah, I owe you a dime. Just grab it out of the change bowl.
- Roger: Is there a thousand dollars cash in that bowl? 'Cause that's what a dime is in gambler's lingo.
- Hayley: Who knows that?!
- Jeff: Everyone knows that, babe. I thought you were crazy to make that bet. I almost said something.
- Roger: It had been days since Hayley watched MasterChef Junior with me. I told her I'd wait for her, but I didn't. I couldn't. Peyton made a souffle. Eight years old, making a souffle. Imagine that.
- Snot: Camper Steve was about to commit a panty raid.
- Chief Danny: By himself? That's kind of a bummer.
- Steve: Okay, guys. I did a little panty raid recon on the girl's cabin...
- Paul: Actually, we're not doing the panty raid.
- Steve: Why not?
- Paul: Well, we've talked about it and we get the feeling that you're a pretty nerdy fourteen year old. But us, we're pretty cool ten-year-olds. I've kissed three girls this summer. So we're feeling we should avoid anything that you do.
- Steve: Okay, first of all, Paul... fuck you.
- Roger: My roses are like bones in a desert.
- Old Lady: I haven't had a bone in my desert in years.
- Steve: Jeff is meeting Barry today. I need the room.
- Hayley: Oh God, that's today? I have to give Jeff his bath!
- Steve: [to Hayley] You were supposed to give him a bath last night! [to Francine] And you were supposed to go to the mall!
- Francine: I didn't want to go by myself.
- Steve: That's what we have Klaus for.
The Life and Times of Stan Smith
- Klaus: [On visiting Arizona State] Oh, man. If you knew what I had in store for you, all your worries would melt away. You'd be swaddled tight, wrapped safely in my freshly laundered plans.
- Steve: Klaus, what the fuck are you talking about?
- Francine: [Concerned about shocking Stan] Roger. this finger zapping thing isn't going to hurt, right?
- Roger: Not a bit. [Stan collapses in convulsions as Roger shocks him]
- Francine: You said it wouldn't hurt.
- Roger: No, I said it wouldn't hurt me. You need to listen girl.
The Bitchin' Race
- Klaus: [Watching Meredith and Justin on television] I know I should root for someone in the family, but Justin has captured my heart. Oh, I'd love to throw it to his mom while he was sleeping like an angel in the next room.
- Roger: [Interpreting a bar patron's drink order as a pick up] Whoa, you got the wrong idea. I'm not some prostitute who's going to take you to the back room. I'm a freewheeling party boy who'll slob your knob right here. Just untuck your Tommy Bahama and give me a little privacy curtain.
- Nicholas: And these must be my granddaughters.
- Francine: Um, yes, yes, they are.
- Steve: Mom!
- Francine: Just go with it.
- [After learning that Cassandra committed suicide]
- Steve: Momma, the man said someone died upstairs. What if I see a g-g-g-ghost?
- Francine: I don't know Steve, you'll probably p-p-p-piss your pants.
The Long Bomb
- Stan: [Imitating Steve] Hey mom, where's the applesauce? [Imitating Francine] In the fridge, Steve. [Imitating Steve] I only see watery-ass Kroger, where's the Mott's? [Imitating Francine] They taste the same. [Imitating Steve] HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIIIIIIND?!
- Johnny Concussion: Johnny Concussion always gets up.
- Steve: Snot, we're screwed. This guy's gonna put us back in diapers.
- Snot: What do you mean, "back in"? Some of us never left.
- Roger: Text bubbles are made out of flesh-eating bacteria. You didn't know that?
- Klaus: I really hope there's a Darryl Strawberry rookie card in your grandpop's unit.
- Steve: Sorry, Klaus. Even if we found a Rebecca Lobo rookie card, I'd leave it there. Dad would be so angry if he found out about this. I just wanna learn a little bit more about Grandpa.
- Klaus: You'd take the Lobo.
- Steve: I'd have to.
- Stan: The way the dashboard and the windshield smush the hash browns together with the sausage...
- Steve: We should call 'em "dash browns."
- Stan: You just think of that?
- Steve: Just now.
The Talented Mr. Dingleberry
- Roger: [whispering] Hey. Hey. Up here. [Steve looks up, to see Roger in a vent] Want to get back at A.J. and win that talent show? I can help.
- Steve: [walks under Roger's vent and looks at in quizzically] What-- what are you doing in there?
- Roger: I'm trapped. I dropped a Skittle down a vent, and I went in after it. I've been in here for days. Get a Phillips-head screwdriver and meet me by the vent in Hayley's bathroom. [notices something offscreen] Oh. Oh, there-- uhp, there's the Skittle. Went down this slightly narrower passageway here.
[Roger crawls further into the vents offscreen, until a metallic scraping sound is heard, and the sound of his crawling abruptly stops]
- Roger: Shit.
- Steve: Wow, you move just like a dummy!
- [Roger slaps Steve]
- Roger: Now, Steve. Why do you think I slapped you? It's because you used a certain word. Do you know what that word is?
- Steve: Is it...
- [Roger slaps Steve again]
- Roger: That's right. Never, ever call me a dummy. The word "dummy" is degrading. I am a manually-articulated performative kinesio-maquette... named Dudley Dingleberry.
- Steve: Please tell me you didn't have anything to do with A.J.'s accident.
- Roger: Let's just say that as far as us winning the talent show goes, the bar was just lowered.
- Steve: That, uh... that's not the most convincing denial.
[after Roger has injected Steve with paralyzing agent, knocking him out]
- Roger: The show must go on.
[Roger looks over, and sees Klaus watching in shock and holding a book]
- Klaus: A-Am I early for book club?
- Roger: No, you're late! And that's two weeks in a row! You're out!
- Klaus: I didn't read it anyway.
West to Mexico
- Roger: I blew the punchline. That's what it was. Still, the setup was rock solid.
- Roger: In a hundred years, when there’s a million jerks riding around Manhattan drunk in limos, the west will seem like a paradise.