American Dad! (season 8)
- Cee Lo Green: Well, hello there. My name...It's not important. Well, what is is the next half hour. You're gonna see a cautionary tale that may greatly influence your next hot tub purchase.
- Principal Lewis: [on answering machine] Hey, it's Lewis. I can never find the damn phone. [Principal Lewis starts frantically searching for the phone]
- Marguerite: [on the phone] Lewis, it's the hot tub. I did some research, man. It used to have a stripper pole in it. They banned it because some tubs, when they get struck by lightning, they come alive! The hot tub is alive, and it escaped from a mental institution, and did some rapes...
- Principal Lewis: [who has been searching for the phone and found it in the freezer in the ice cream] What are you saying, Marguerite?
- Marguerite: [over phone still] I'm saying, the hot tub, is a murderer.
- Francine: The best thing you can do for your family is stand back and do nothing.
- Stan: Francine, let's be honest, that's not going to happen.
- Stan: [after Francine tells him to go out and get help] Okay, I hear you. I really do. But I'm going to do that, because I have a better idea. [sees a javelin floating in the water] My old college javelin? Remember? [gets the javelin] I'll harpoon the bear, and the bear blood will distract the start, and we can escape!
- Francine [sees Stan ready to harpoon] STAN! [But it is too late. Stan throws his harpoon, and instead of hitting the bear, he hits Francine instead. The bear turns to Stan and shakes his head disapprovingly]
- Stan: [sighs] What a day.
- Cleveland: [off-screen] Tell me about it.
- [Stan turns to see Cleveland, and we pull back to reveal the Brown house next to the Smith house, as Cleveland walks up to Stan]
- Cleveland: I don't even know where the hell I am.
- Stan: [pulls out a gun] Looter!
- Cleveland: [also pulls out a gun] Self-defense!
- [Two guns are heard cocking, and we pan to see Peter Griffin aiming at Stan and Cleveland]
- Peter: A black and a white talking as if it's normal!
- [We pull back to reveal the Griffin house next to the Brown and Smith houses, as Peter walks up to Stan and Cleveland]
- Cleveland: Peter, what are you doing? You know me!
- Peter: Everybody, shut up and let me think! Just let me think!
- [Francine comes out the front door]
- Francine: Stan, have you...
- [Stan accidentally shoots at Francine, causing her to fall down and moan]
- Peter: [laughs] Oh, man. Classic American Dad!.
A Ward Show [7.03]
- Superintendent: It's come to my attention that you've been letting one of your students skip classes, miss tests and hang out in the teacher's lounge. I'm sorry, Brian. This is bad. I hate to say it, but...
- Roger: You're fired!
- Principal Lewis: Is that what you intended to say, superintendent?
- Superintendent: That's what I super-intended to say.
- Roger: Yay!
The Worst Stan [7.04]
- Principal Lewis: Sweets, you killed my master!
- Stan: Stop! You can't marry this woman!
- Principal Lewis: Wachoo talkin' bout, Stan?
Virtual In-Stanity [7.05]
- [Stan comes in, dressed for the ball game]
- Stan: Good morning, kiddo. Sorry again about missing your birthday. What do you say I take you to a ball game?
- [holds up tickets]
- Steve: Sorry, man. Got other plans.
- Stan: What's the problem? I'm trying to bond with him.
- Francine: Well, you're too late. Steve's at the age where he doesn't care about going to a ball game with his dad. All he's interested in is girls. He doesn't want ball games, he just wants to ball dames. Huh? Huh?
- Stan: Ahh. [laughs] Ah-hah. Ohh.
The Scarlett Getter [7.06]
- Francine: Dan Ansom Handsome gives me quite the wide-on.
- Stan: Oh boner, not now.
- Hayley: (She storms inside the bathroom and sees Snot having a bubble bath in the bathtub) I have had it, the worst luck, since I lost those panties.
Season's Beatings [7.07]
- Stan (as he's beating up Roger, who was chosen to play Jesus in the Christmas play): You don't deserve to be on that cross, you lazy, wine-loving bisexual!
- (after Stan breaks the cross for the Christmas pageant)
- Stage Hand: Well, that's just great. Now what am I supposed to burn on my ethnic neighbor's lawn?
(a beat-up Roger and Steve are watching news footage of Stan beating up Roger)
- Roger (to Steve, as he's pointing at the TV screen): Right there. That's the punch that caused me to black out and finally achieve orgasm.
The Unbrave One [7.08]
(A mysterious Internet doctor known as Dr. Vadgers is replying to Francine's email on her latest pregnancy test results. Cut to reveal that "Dr. Vadgers" is actually Glenn Quagmire from Family Guy, wearing his airline pilot's cap and nothing else)
- Quagmire: Giggity.
Stanny Tendergrass [7.09]
- [Francine is sunbathing]
- Francine: Seriously, I'm gonna die one day and I want to make sure I left something behind that can be proud of.
- Klaus: What about your kids?
- Francine: Nah. [sets her margarita on the table and lifts her sunglasses up] I'm talking about something more permanent. I want to invent a catchphrase. Something is perfound as... all that and a bag of chips!
- Klaus: Oh, come on. Don't you think everyone has tried coming up with a catchphrase? It's next to impossible.
- Francine: Well, Klaus. I'm gonna do it. And... you can put that frog in the casserole.
- Klaus: [sighs] Bitch, what'd I just say?
[Steve just drank and threw away Stan's can of soda]
- Steve: I didn't like the last half, it's not as effervescent. Nope, the bottom's not for me; I'm what they call a top. [Roger's eyes widen at Steve's unintentionally suggestive line]
- Stan: I can't believe you drank my soda that I bought with money I earned.
- Steve: Oh, I'm sorry, Dad. I didn't know you wanted it. [waves his fingers in Stan's face]: Here, my fingers are still sticky. You can suck on them if you want.
- Roger [staring at Steve's fingers, clearly aroused]: Well, I'll be upstairs melting pearls on my tummy if you need me.
- [Stan is riding a bike and using it as a unicycle]
- Roger: Wheels, may I speak with you? Papa Wheely, why don't you go fill out your HR forms. Teddy Bonkers will help you.
- Stan: Th-- the teddy bear?
- Roger: Teddy bear! His name is Theodore Bonkers. He's not the smartest guy, but he tries harder than anyone I've ever met. I've met Ed Burns.
- Steve: Just go with it.
- [Stan rides his bike like a unicycle to read the clipboard and gets out a pen]
- Roger: What the hell, Wheels?
- Steve: He was so excited. I... I couldn't let him down.
- Stan: Uh, it says "List previous work experience or draw a picture of a cowboy." I can't draw a cowboy. Is a pirate acceptable?
- Roger: [exasperated] Yes.
Old Stan in the Mountain [7.11]
- Hayley: [to Stan] That phrase the old man said to you was in Latin. But, uh, I can't find the translation.
- Klaus: What did he say exactly?
- Hayley: Um, it was something...[says something in Latin]
- Klaus: [says the correct phrase in Latin] It means, "Walk in my shoes and you will know." It's a really good hex.
- Stan: How do you know so much about hexes?
- Klaus: I do a lot of reading, you know, 'cause I sit in the fucking bowl all fucking day.
The Wrestler [7.12]
- Stan: The point is if you wanna get anywhere in life, you'll have to join the wrestling team.
- Steve: Gee, Dad. That sounds great. Oh, no. The school doesn't have a wrestling program anymore. Aah, squigglebottom!
- Stan: What? I am outraged!
- Roger: Well, take your outrage elsewhere. I have another group coming through. We'll exit through the gift shop [they walk over to the counter and he takes out a CD] Make sure to check out our Stan Smith: Pan Flute Rain Forest Music [pan flute plays] Each song sounds the same, yet somehow manages to be worse than the last.
- Principal Lewis: Kid's got shaky hands. His parents got a divorce because his mom got caught banging some black guy named THIS BIG MAMMA JAMMA RIGHT HERE!!
(Stan enters Roger's attic bar with a rifle. Roger panics, thinking he's being robbed)
- Roger (as he raises his hands): Small bills are in the safe. The rest is in my butt**
- **On the DVD version, "in my butt" is changed to "in my ass"
- Roger: You know what kid I wanted to kill? The youngest daughter in Mrs. Doubtfire. Hated her face. By the time I could get a good shot at her, she had grown up and turned into nothing.
Dr. Klaustus [7.13]
- Francine: Stop talking, fish.
- Steve: Au revoir, les enfants! That means, "fuck you!"
- Roger (as Sergeant Pepper): My sucking attachment fell off. I'm going in.
- Commander: Sergeant, it's too dangerous!
[Roger walks up to an outhouse and cautiously opens the door. He climbs in the toilet hole, briefly getting his helmet stuck]
- Roger (as Sergeant Pepper) I'm in.
[a man walks towards the outhouse]
- Commander Oh no Sergeant, someone's coming in! Oh wait maybe, he's going number one. [he looks closely through the binoculars] He's got a newspaper! Get out of there!
- Roger (as Sergeant Pepper):: Oh no! [he kneels in prayer] Our Father, who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Stan's Best Friend [7.14]
- [Stan is in the living room and petting Kisses]
- Stan: You're soft. Like a detergent bear. Oh, and look. There's a little ear. [scratches his ear] Who likes a scratch? Who likes an ear scratch? Huh? [pets him again and gets out his cell phone] Just gonna snap a pic for Steve. It's for him, not for me. [Kisses yawns] Oh, my god. What a cute little yawn. What a cute little baby. [pets him once more]
- [it is now morning as Kisses fetches the frisbee to Steve. Steve kneels down and gives it to Stan]
- Stan: You were right, Francine. It feels so good to love a dog again.
Less Money, Mo' Problems [7.15]
- [tires screech and a gunshot is heard off-screen while Stan and Francine are sleeping. Stan covers his ears and can't take the noise]
- Stan: [sighs annoyedly] Jeff and Hayley are killing me.
- Francine: [sleeping] I don't care if you are Sean Connery. That's my jet ski.
- [Stan gets out of bed. Jeff and Hayley are watching TV and Jeff eats a piece of pizza]
- Stan: You know what time it is.
- Jeff: Shh.
- Hayley: Dad, Jeff worked a long day. And now all he wants to do is watch Bones and relax.
- Seeley Booth: Hey, Bones. Look at this bone.
- Temperance Brennan: I know. But did you see this bone?
- Booth: Where'd you find that bone?
- Brennan: Same place you got your bone. It was just sitting there, next to this bone.
- Woman: Dr. Brennan, bone call. They said it was important. Something about a bone.
- [Stan rolls his eyes]
- Billy: A fake rock? This world would never ceases to amaze and inspire me!
The Kidney Stays in the Picture [7.16]
(as Francine and her old party girl friend are laughing, Hayley clutches her stomach and moans from her kidney failing)
- Hayley: Oooh, my insides hurt. (brays like a donkey and passes out)
- [Hayley is in the hospital and Francine just admitted that there's a chance Hayley might not be biologically related to Stan]
- Stan: I...might not be Hayley's father? You've cheated on me?
- Francine: I'm sorry. It happened a few days before our wedding at my bachelorette party.
- Stan: A few days before the wedding? While I was dealing with small details that ultimately made of the most beautiful day of my life? A box of flip-flops so the girls could dance.
- Francine: I was freaking out that my life was changing. I was going from being this party girl to being someone's wife. And I got drunk and [sighs] It was the biggest mistake I ever made. Can you ever forgive me?
- [Stan comes close to her]
- Stan: You... big... whore. I don't know why I'm holding you like this. It must be very confusing.
- Roger: You know how they take kidneys out?
- Steve: No.
- Roger: [creepily] You'll walk into your room and there will be plastic sheets all over the floor. Before you can react, a man in a ski mask will tie you to a chair with an Indian braided belt he got on vacation in Santa Fe. He'll turn on some Huey Lewis, and then cut the damn thing out with a rusty keyhole saw. No antiseptic, no Novocaine, no nothing! Just the song "Hip to Be Square" drowning out your boyish screams.
[Steve sits frightened, clutching his stomach. Roger slowly reaches out his finger, and drags Steve's sandwich plate over to him, then off the table where it shatters]
- Roger: Now no one has anything.
- Roger: Damn, I look good. Tilda Swinton good.
- Roger: You really think I can change?
- Steve: Bitch, what did I just say?
- Roger: [high-pitched voice after breathing in a helium balloon] When I was a little girl, Grover Cleveland was president.