American Dad! (season 7)
American Dad! is an American adult animated sitcom created by created by Seth MacFarlane, Mike Barker and Matt Weitzman.
- Announcer: Tonight in honor of the 100th episode of American Dad!, tragedy will strike Langley Falls with death! 100 times! [A death counter appears with a silhouette of Roger as the Grim Reaper.] That's right! 100 of the characters you've come to know and love will die!
- [Roger steps in front of the curtain looking and laughing like the Crypt Keeper until he coughs and holds up a cigarette.]
- Roger: For Pete's sake, these things are gonna kill me. [the counter almost goes up to "001" until Roger hits it] But not tonight! No, tonight, we're gonna find out "Who Shot Mr. Burns"! [to someone offstage] What? Fifteen years ago? Who was it? ... Really, the baby?! [sighs] I want a baby.
- Steve: Okay, how about this for a case: Wheels's ex comes to town, looking for whoever poisoned her race horse.
- [Roger gives an uncertain mumble. Steve thinks for a moment, then comes up with a new idea for a case.]
- Steve: Hey, what if I'm visited by the ghost of my dead father, who also used to be a detective?
- Roger: So we're just saying the first thing that comes into our minds? Okay. Tickle monster!
- Steve: [To someone invisible beside him] I know, Dad, I have to deal with this every day at the agency.
- Roger: YOUR GHOST FATHER IS NOT HERE!!!
- Steve: Oh no? Then who's... [gets up from his wheelchair] ...possessing me!?
- [Steve begins slapping Roger in the face over and over by flapping his arm by Roger's face.]
- Roger: Stop it... Stop it, Wheels... Stop it...! Wheels...! STOP IT, WHEELS'S FATHER!!!
- [Jeff and Hayley are in Hayley's high school]
- Hayley: Jeff, what are you doing here?
- Jeff: Look-
- Science Teacher: [cuts Jeff off] Hey! [Camera pans out to show him standing beside a blackboard which has 2 + 2 = 4 on it.] Who solved my theorem? Which one of you is the genius?! [points to the Slow Janitor, who is holding a piece of chalk.] You there!! "[Camera shows the slow janitor by a mop bucket. The slow janitor eats the piece of chalk, and runs away with the mop bucket.]
- [Stan groans and wakes up, on the kitchen floor with a cut on his head.]
- Francine: Stan?
- Stan: Did I... Did I turn back time?
- Francine: No. You fainted and bashed your head on the counter.
- Stan: I'm-I'm pretty sure I turned back time. You must be Francine's grandmother! One day, your granddaughter will make me a moderately happy man.
- [Stan reveals a huge computer behind a bookshelf]
- Stan: I had tracking devices implanted in the base of the kids' skulls when they were born. Hayley's heading north! It's only forty minutes away!
- Francine: Let's go! Which way is north!
- Stan: [points straight ahead] That way!
- [Francine runs straight ahead into the wall]
- Francine: It's a dead end!
- Hayley: Jeff, I don't wanna go to Mexico! Okay, that's your plan! We need a plan we can both be excited about!
- Jeff: A new plan... New Mexico!
- Newswoman: A $50,000 reward to anyone who can stop the marriage! The girl has been described as a likely women's studies major and probable roller derby captain, while the male is your classic run-of-the-male stoner. Here is an artist's rendering of the couple. [Shows a rendering of Velma and Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.]
- Jeff: Zoinks!
- Francine: You piece of shit! You're gonna break my daughter's heart for fifty thousand dollars?!
- Stan: Francine, you're too angry right now. [takes some money out of the briefcase] Go buy yourself some nuts and jerky. [to Jeff] You're buying my wife some nuts and jerky.
- Francine: I'm gonna buy some nuts and jerky you piece of shit!
- Jeff: [Stan hands him the case] Wow! Hundred dollar bills! Hello, President Shakespeare.
- Reginald: Now you gonna apologize?
- Bullock: I apologize... to the maids at the Red Roof Inn who had to clean the curtains after I wiped Hayley's excitement all over them!
- Reginald: [shocked] You have a mother...and you just said all that. I'm gonna call your mama and tell her you just said that.
- [Reginald grabs Bullock's cell phone and runs off with it]
- Bullock: [strained] Don't.
- Roger: [comes into the car with a shopping bag] Alright, I've got everything we need. [Takes the items out] Chocolate milk, some cheese puffs, and some Turkish amphetamines I scored in the bathroom.
- Steve: Whoa! Whoa, Legs, you sure that's a good idea?
- Roger: I've never been more sure of anything in my life. [Takes a turkey baster of the amphetamines and puts a drop of it in his eye.] See? Everything's in moderation. [reaches for the bag of cheese puffs] Now, I'm gonna have five cheese puffs. No more.
- [Cuts to some time later. Roger is stoned and driving the car crazily while stuffing cheese puffs, with a concerned Steve and Klaus.]
- Steve: Legs, please, just pull over!
- Roger: Why are you calling me Legs?! Is there something wrong with my legs? Is that why there's a wheelchair in the car?!! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO MY LEGS YOU NAZI WALRUS BASTARD?!?!
- [Roger's P.O.V. It is shown that he is seeing Steve as a walrus in Nazi attire, and Klaus as Garfield stuffed in Klaus's fish bowl.]
- Klaus/Garfield: Steve, who is he talking to?
- Roger: Shut up, Garfield! Why-wh-why do you- Why do you hate Mondays? You don't even work!
- [Roger, Steve and Klaus are still in the car. Steve is crying, the car is badly damaged and smashed up, and Roger is disheveled but no longer stoned.]
- Roger: Well, that was quite a ride Wheels, but I think I got us there.
- [The camera pans out to show that the car is on a barge in a river in Korea.]
- Roger: Hey, I see Hayley! [It is shown that Roger has actually seen an obese Korean man in a nearby boat, with similar clothes and hair to Hayley.] Don't marry Jeff! Case, closed.
- Principal Lewis: Bitch, what are you crying about?! I was counting on that money! I can't go back to work now! I took a deuce on my desk! [Rips off his suit] Fuck. Y'all!!!
- Francine: [after finding out what Hayley did] That weaselly little sneak.
- Francine (irritated): Jeff's serenading Hayley again.
- Stan: I'm gonna shoot him in the throat.
- Francine: Stan, WAIT!...........I wanna watch.
- (Roger finds his way to Thailand and talks to a passing beach waiter)
- Roger: I'll have three twelve-year-old boys, no MSG.
- (Hayley and Jeff knock Roger into the pool and escape on a helicopter rope ladder)
- Roger (as he climbs out of the pool; to Hayley and Jeff): Are you crazy pushing me in the pool?! I have forty hits of ecstacy in my pocket! (to the kids in the pool): Buckle up, kids. (to the parents at poolside): They're gonna have to go to the hospital.
- Steve: Hommina, hommina, hommina, hommina, boner!
- Stan: Then maybe later I'll introduce her to... THE THICK-NESSSSSSS!!
- Stan: What is this?
- Roger: Your dream restaurant. Roger's Laotian Adventure.
- Stan: What about my scale model?
- Roger: Stan, it took quite a bit of doing...but I managed to wipe my butt with it**.
On the DVD version, "butt" is replaced with "ass"
- Francine: So you weren't molested?
- Stan: No, that wasn't until four or five years later. (cut to flashback of young Stan clutching fearfully to a swinging rope as a priest wearing nothing but a clerical collar and swimming trunks grabs for him, waiting for Stan to let go): It was my first week at Christian camp. But I'm not ready to talk about Father Roy.
- Stan: Oh, you want me to confront Father Roy about what happened at camp. Thing is, I'm not sure it was entirely his fault. I may have deserved it. In fact, I may have instigated it. Actually, Francine, I seduced him. I don't know why I wanted him, but I wanted him. There was no actual penet...
- Johnson's Waiter: Hey, little guy. I heard your dad walked out on ya, 'cause he didn't love you enough to stay. But I know what will make you feel better.
- Stan: [narrating] At that moment, I was a hundred percent sure I was going to be molested. But it was even better.
- Sign Hung Outside Stan's Restaurant by Roger: "Our Clumsy Cooks Have AIDS!"
- Klaus: [talking to the new fish in the bowl] Hi, I'm Klaus. What's your sign? Pisces?
- Francine: You know why Chinese couples can't have their own Caucasian babies? Because two Wongs don't make a white.
- Francine: In 1st grade, they sent me home with lice. My parents said "Oh, 'cause she has lice. She has it for runch everyday." I can say it, you can't.
- Roger: This bar has absolutely everything. Oh my God, Absolute Everything!
- Stan: C'mon Uncle Cathy, it's time to go!
- Roger: Nooo! It's Sammy Hagar's Jägermeister! Haygermeister! [pops top]
- Jägermeister: YEAAAHH, BAAABAAAYY!!!
- Hayley: After we ran out of money, Jeff suggested that we prostitute ourselves. At first, Jeff was saying he was only going to do women, but then... that wasn't working out. So, long short story, Jeff's on butt rest, and we moved to the desert.
- Stan: Francine, touch me.
- Francine: What?
- Stan: Touch me. It'll provide us with all the warmth we need. I saw it on Man vs. Wild. That feels amazing.
- Francine: I'm not touching you.
- Roger: I am.
- Stan: That feels amazing.
- Stan: That bathroom is amazing. A gold toilet? And I can't believe you have a servant just to wipe your butt.
- Rusty: Um, I don't...
- Stan: Oh, explains the attitude and why he did such a a slapdash job.
- Francine: Look, it's not even my rule; it's your Dad's. You think I wouldn't want to spark up a doober every now and then? [drifts off, contently] Just take a nice, slow, extra-careful drive?
- Hayley: But Mom...
- Jeff: [to Hayley] It's okay, Hayley. I can handle it. I mean, weed's the thing I care about the most...but...maybe that should be you.
- [Hayley sighs]
- Francine: Thanks, Jeff! [slumps over, frustrated] MAN! You got me thinkin' about weed now. That stuff makes me want to drink so much soda! [looks off, wistfully] I smoke a bone, then I drink a two liter of Sunkist in like a second. Freaks people out...
- [loudly takes a long sip of coffee while Jeff and Hayley stare, silently]
- Stan: ...and the number one dog on my fictitious dog list is Brian Griffin.
- Brian: (appears next to Stan with a martini in his paw; stares at Stan and asked) Uh, do I know you? (walks away)
- Stan: Stop pretending I don't exist!
- Juror: Hey, it's me. I'm gonna be late. Can you TiVo Ass Rangers 4 for me? Thanks, hon. Now, put mommy on the phone.
- Stan: [simultaneously demomstrating with a rifle] Steve, shooting a gun is like being intimate with a woman. First, you inspect it to make sure it's clean. Then you grab it on the butt and jam the magazine in. If it doesn't fit, make it.
- [Steve looks back to see a painting. he walks towards it]
- Héctor Elizondo: Bewitching, isn't she?
- Steve: I know you. Weren't you the concierge in Pretty Woman?
- Héctor Elizondo: Yes. I'm Héctor Elizondo. I play the concierge in over 400 movies and TV pilots. Acting pays the bills so I can pursue my true passion. Conciergeing.
- Tom: Hey, Stanny Boy! Frantastic! Get up here, the view is amazing!
- Stan: Did you hear that? They gave us nicknames! The only nickname I ever got was in eighth grade. They called me Stan Frank because I was always hiding and writing in my diary.
- Hayley: [to Stan and Roger] Yeah, you guys should just fuck and get it over with. Clearly, you have repressed sexual feelings for each other that you're channeling into hostility.
- Stan: This is Sparta!
- Roger: This is Sparta!
- Stan: This is Sparta!
- Roger: This is Sparta!
- Jimmy: [off-screen] This is Sparta!
- Roger: Shut up Jimmy, you don't know what we're doing!
- [Francine pulls up]
- Francine: Sorry things didn't work out with your new roommate, Roger.
- Roger: I tell you, it's a cruel, cruel world out here. Did you know I saw a man beat down another man today for a sandwich? A sandwich, Francine. [shows a sub] This sandwich. [eats it] I wish I could just come home.
- Francine: So come home. We want you there.
- Roger: Stan doesn't. As far as he's concerned, the only reason I was living there was the life debt he owed me. And now it's repayed.
- Francine: Forget about the life debt. Stan's too proud to admit he misses you, but I know he does. Hey! What if you offered to pay rent? Then Stan would have a perfect excuse to take you back.
- Roger: You know, that could actually work. I don't mind paying a little rent. All right, I'm coming home! [throws the sub at a pedestrian] Hi, kids.
- (Roger is staying in the locker room of a YMCA)
- Francine: I got your message that you were staying here? Roger, this YMCA stopped renting out rooms, like, 30 years ago.
- Roger: What? I just put up all my pictures. (shows Francine photos of him dressed as a pigtailed, redheaded girl riding and playing with a horse)
- Francine: Oh, I wish you and Stan could just patch things up.
- Roger: It's too late. (sits on the locker room bench next to a man facing his locker and wearing a towel): I've been replaced! :(sobs)
- (The man next to him turns around and Roger uses the corner of his towel to wipe his tears. Roger gets a look at the man's crotch)
- Roger (suggestively): Good for you.
- Barry: YOU FUCKING FUCKERS ARE GONNA DO WHAT I SAY OR I WILL PUT MY GOD DAMN FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASSHOLE YOU WILL RUE THE DAY YOU CRAWLED OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S TWAT!
- Principal Lewis: Barry!
- Barry [Starts Crying]: I made a swear!
- Principal Lewis: Alright, that's it! We're NOT doin' daily announcements anymore. All of you just...GET OUT OF HERE! [slams door] Ah, damn kids!
- Principal Lewis [Realizing that the microphone is still on while he was talking about sex with minors]: Oh, fuck me.
- Steve: I'm coming for you, old man!
- Principal Lewis (introducing Hayley and Jeff to his house): Welcome to my home. As you can see, it is a shithole. But, it's a good arena for bonding activities and a constant reminder of what happens when you try to smack some sense into your lady.
- Hayley: You're a marriage counselor.
- Principal Lewis: Step one on your path to a happier marriage: you have 45 minutes to clean this room, but you can't talk to each other. Not one word. Trust me on this.
- Hayley (to Jeff): Let's go Jeff. This isn't real.
- Principal Lewis (draws a gun on her): It just got real, bitch! Now clean my house!
- [Stan and Roger arrive at the Stuffington Academy]
- Stan: Here we are, Stuffington Academy. I'm glad we were able to come to an agreement on this. Have a good day at school, "son".
- Roger: I'm already having a good day 'cause you called me son. Now give me a kiss. Kiss me on the lips, "Dad". I want that kind of relationship with you. [opens the door] You thought about it I saw it. [closes the door]
- Stan: Would the guys at REI rather be camping right now?
- Principal Lewis: His eyes are red from smoking weed!
- Steve: I really can't believe you're an educator, Brian...
- Principal Lewis: Ehh... my job is really more administrative.
- (Roger as Jenny Fromdabloc is crying as she reads the inscription on the stress ball)
- Roger/Jenny: "Sons of Tucson: New on FOX"? When was this on? I watch FOX all the time. I never saw this!
- Snot: Hayley, I love you! And I'm not leaving until you say you love me back.
- Hayley: No, I don't love you, okay? I'm married. Sometimes happily.
- Snot: I thought you might say that, but wait till you hear this. (He brings the orchestra people around) Aha! I hired a 12-piece orchestra to play your favorite song: Gangsta's Paradise by Coolio.
- (The orchestra starts playing Gangsta's Paradise)
- Snot: Now, what do you say?
- Hayley: No.
- Snot: I thought you might say that, but feast your eyes on this! (The orchestral people leave as a delivery truck drives up, and as the back door of the truck opens, there is an elephant and it trumpets) Aha! Elephant. Your favorite animal. I rented it for you! Say you love me.
- Hayley: No.
- Snot: I thought you might say that, but wait until you see what's in the elephant's sack! (He gets a bunch of batteries and shows it to Hayley) Aha! Batteries! Your favorite thing on your favorite animal!
- Hayley: No.
- Snot: I thought you might say that, but wait until you see this!
- (Hayley says nothing, and Steve shakes his head. Dissolve to the sky that reads: "Snot and Hayley Forever" formed by a jet plane. In the Smith house, there are two Japanese women holding fans and four chairs that Snot is balancing on. There is also a sack of heart boxes full of chocolates and many strings of heart balloons attached to sacks.
- Snot: Aha! What do you say now, my love?
- Hayley: Go away.
- Barry: NEVER TOUCH A FAT BOY'S CANDY!
- Stan: First of all, don't pretend you're married. It implies equality.
- Butch (repeated line): But seriously, anyone know anything about any launch codes?
- Steve (inner monologue as he's building a birdhouse): Our birdhouse business had been hard on me, but it had taken a real toll on Roger. I knew it wasn't true. The classes, the girlfriend, the sobriety: it was all a lie. That's why I wasn't surprised to read in the paper that he had O.D.'d not ten seconds later. (zoom out to reveal Roger passed out and near death, with a wine bottle in hand, some pills next to a puddle of vomit, and a heroin syringe in his arm)
- Stan: How would you like it if your wife worked here?
- Bullock: Oh, I'd love it. Is there an opening for a woman who bangs every black man she meets at a Red Lobster parking lot?
- Steve: Purple hat, Dad, PURPLE HAT!
- Stan: "Bros before hos," Steve. Brothers before whores all day long!
- Steve: And Mom is the whore in that situation?
- Stan: All. Day. Long.
(Roger goes onstage as Cuss Mustard to perform a country song)
- Roger/Cuss Mustard: I like drinkin' and racecars/And big ol' fat women/And Jesus is awesome/He rose on Thanksgivin'
- (the audience boos, yells at him to get off the stage, and hurls stuff at the screen protecting him)
- Roger/Cuss Mustard (spoken over the angry crowd): You! I saw you! (continues singing over the boos): I eat Funyuns and tater tots/Ah kill squirrels with ma gun (finally has had enough): Ah, God! I'm finished!
(Roger's second song after gets his wife arrested, gets his kids sent to foster care, and meets an ugly woman who bears a striking resemblance to Luanne Platter from King of the Hill)
- Roger/Cuss Mustard: I saw the ugliest woman/I ever did saw/Face like a turnip/And an underbit jaw
- Audience Member #1: Yeah, man. Tell it like it is.
- Roger/Cuss Mustard: Inbred from inbreds/Then inbred again/If ugly was pretty/Then she'd be a ten
- Audience Member #2 (sitting next to a woman who looks like an ugly, off-model Peggy Hill): That sounds just like my wife!
- Roger/Cuss Mustard: She was so damn ugly/So I got drunk and fucked her in my truck. (spoken): Good night!
- (audience cheers as Hayley shakes her head disapprovingly)
