American Dad! (season 12)
Jump to navigation Jump to search
- Hayley: That blonde outside of Walgreen's was getting signatures.
- Roger: Come on, Hayley. Everyone knows blondes get more attention. Scientists have proven it, but their research was ignored because they were boring brown-haired scientists.
Scents and Sensei-bility
- Steve: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', Snot?
- Snot: We visit him in juvenile hall every month until he gets out and then we all move in together?
- Steve: No! We take karate at his dojo.
- Snot: Which we can use to get Martin out of juvie, brilliant!
- Steve: No, Snot. I kinda just thought we'd do this new thing. Forget Martin.
- Snot: [gasps dramatically] Did I like Martin more than you did?!
Big Stan on Campus
- (during the student protest)
- Students: Camp Sec sucks! Camp Sec sucks! Camp Sec sucks!
- Stan (countering): It's all good! It's all good!
Now and Gwen
- Steve: Face to neck. Hand to lower back. Pec to boob? I don't know shit about hugging.
- [drinking cocaine in her coffee]
- Francine: We're so goddamn rich this is how we drink our coffee!
Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas
- [Stan wakes up on Christmas morning]
- Stan: Honey? Where's my morning B.J.? [Francine is not in bed with him] I have to get my own breakfast juice? [gets out of bed] Some Christmas.
- Klaus: These women are warriors. They live by the code of the ancient Amazons. A sisterhood who have each other's backs.
- [Hayley informs Iris that she's straight]
- Iris: Straight, huh? Not getting that from you.
- [Steve is playing his video game]
- Francine: Steve, I asked you to set the table 10 minutes ago. Dinner is ready.
- Steve: But I'm on level 15.
- Francine: Well, I'm on level 1 of the house, where I cook for you. Now set the table.
- Steve: I didn't ask you to cook for me.
- Francine: Excuse me.
- Steve: Mom, I'm busy. I'll do it in a minute. [Francine unplugs Steve's game console] NO! IT DIDN'T SAVE! IT DIDN'T SAVE!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!
- Francine: I was thinking... go set the table!
- Steve: Fuck you!
- [Francine gasps, then Klaus gasps, then Hayley gasps, then Roger, doing some gymnastic moves in the attic, stops in mid-air]
- Roger: Whoa.
- [in the dining room, Stan and the family are admonishing Steve for his behavior]
- Stan: Steve, I'm very disappointed that you used that language with your mother. That being said, I'm more excited for dinner than I have been in years.
- Roger: You did a very bad thing. You know who had to set the table tonight? Me.
- Hayley: What are you talking about? I set the table.
- Roger: Well, I would have been next in line and I did not like it.
- Steve: Didn't you do my laundry?
- Francine: No. What you said is something you don't say to your mother. So you must not think of me as a mother at all. So from now on, you're on your own. Mommy-free. Sans mommy. You ain't got no mama.
- Steve: What's that, Francine? I think you dropped a challenge. And I'm picking it up, 'cause I can do everything you do for me, laundry, cooking, telling myself I'm a big handsome boy.
- Steve: [opening the fridge to look for food] Where the hell are the leftovers?
- Francine: [turns on light] Looking for something?
- Steve: [seeing Barry eating his mac and cheese omelettes on the dining table with Francine] Barry? You're eating the leftovers?
- Francine: Maybe you can have his leftovers.
- Barry: We both know that's not gonna happen.
- Francine: No dinner meant no dinner.
- Steve: I didn't come down here for food. I'm down here for the crisper drawer. [He gets the crisper drawer and puts it in front of his face] I'm building a fort and it needs a window.
- [Suddenly, Steve's stomach begins to grumble]
- Francine: You sound hungry.
- Steve: I'M HUNGRY TO FINISH MY FORT!
- Steve: [during dinner with the family as Francine is preparing the mac and cheese omelettes] Hey, where's mine?
- Francine: You didn't ask me to cook for you, remember?
- Steve: But it was the heap of the moment, and...
- Francine: [cuts off Steve] Steve, you really hurt my feelings. Part one of your punishments is I'm ignoring you. Part two is no dinner.
- Snot: I got you dinner. You couldn't leave a ladder for me?
- Steve: My mom would see it. It's too dangerous.
- Snot: No, what's dangerous is crawling past Hayley's room with a plate full of chipped beef.
- Steve: Wait, her room's on the other side of the hou--
- Snot: [cuts off Steve] Let's not get bogged down in the details about who was masturbating where. You just have to end this war with your mom.
- Steve: I tried, but she wants to keep fighting, so now I'm in it to win it.
- Snot: Look at yourself. You've already lost, bud. You stink, and you're starving. And you're not wearing underwear.
- Steve: How can you tell that?
- Snot: We're best friends. I know your body. If you're not gonna make up with your mom, you've got to learn how to take care of yourself.
- [Francine is appalled to discover that she and Steve were nearly the victim of Morning Mimosa's cruel hosts]
- Francine: You know what, Trisha "The Sizzle"? Fuck you! [Turns to Steve] Sometimes it's okay to say it, like now, or when you're driving.
My Affair Lady
- Hayley: Winner, winner, weed for dinner.
- [Stan and Steve debate Stan's monopolization of Francine during a mother-son dance]
- Stan: Counterpoint, I was the only chauffeur who got laid last night.
- Steve: [crying] I'm throwing away your business card!
A Star is Reborn
- Stan: So this is that Lance guy you are so gay for.
- Roger: I'd have to be a cold-blooded sociopath not to put on this boy and walk him around the block
- (Stan and Francine have been dumped in the ocean by Lance's widow. Francine wakes up and sees Stan half-asleep and about to drown)
- Stan (half-asleep): Uh, thank you for electing me the mayor of Circuit City. (as he sinks): I will not disappoint you...
Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour
- Francine voiceover: This isn't how she wanted to end her day...or her life.
- Francine: [enthused] A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?
- Dick: Even though it's adding 45 minutes each way, it's neat to take the train to lunch.
- Male newlywed: Excuse me, sir. Would you mind if we took your taxi? We're a sweet, young newlywed couple and we kind of expect the world to give us things.
Holy Shit, Jeff's Back!
- Stan: [easing a gun past Hayley towards "Jeff"] Hayley, cover your ears. Daddy's going to make a bang.
- Francine: [giving Hayley advice about Jeff] Rings catch girls. [lowering her voice and rubbing Hayley's stomach] Babies trap boys.
Seizures Suit Stanny
- Klaus: "Seizure", my ass. You didn't have a seizure. You were probably texting someone a picture of your balls or something.