American Dad! (season 12)
- Hayley: That blonde outside of Walgreen's was getting signatures.
- Roger: Come on, Hayley. Everyone knows blondes get more attention. Scientists have proven it, but their research was ignored because they were boring brown-haired scientists.
Scents and Sensei-bility
- Steve: You thinkin' what I'm thinkin', Snot?
- Snot: We visit him in juvenile hall every month until he gets out and then we all move in together?
- Steve: No! We take karate at his dojo.
- Snot: Which we can use to get Martin out of juvie, brilliant!
- Steve: No, Snot. I kinda just thought we'd do this new thing. Forget Martin.
- Snot: [gasps dramatically] Did I like Martin more than you did?!
[Steve and Roger stand in the attic, with Roger dressed as the sensei in Kill Bill]
- Steve: Sensei Tom is teaching Snot to fight with anger, so I need help harnessing mine.
- Roger: [chuckles] Sensei Tom. Did you know he lives in his dojo?
- Steve: Well, you technically live in yours.
[Roger throws a punch, stopping short of Steve's face, the holds up two fingers]
- Roger: Lesson Two-- don't worry about where I live. You're not an angry boy, Steve, so there's nothing to harness, but that's okay, because people who fight with anger are sloppy. You're gonna fight with cold, calculating technique!
[Roger begins teaching Steve. Roger shows Steve how to karate chop, then has Steve use it to give him a massage. He has Steve brush his wigs in a specific way, similar to Mr. Miyagi. Steve crane kicks a bag of ice Roger is holding, and Roger scoops some of it in a blender. Steve, standing at Roger's bar, pours liquid in to canisters, shakes them in the same motion as one would punch, and pours them into martini glasses. He gives one to Roger, who drinks it]
- Roger: You're ready. Now make me four more.
- Steve: But the tournament is in twenty minutes!
- Roger: Don't worry about time. Let me worry about time.
[Cut to Roger driving frantically with Steve in shotgun]
- Roger: Shit! Shit! Dammit! We're so fucking late!
[A deliveryman rolls an extremely large wooden crate to the Smith's door and knocks]
- Klaus: Stan, you're never getting back in!
- Deliveryman: I got a delivery for Klaus Heisler?
[Klaus answers the door and scoots out in his dish]
- Klaus: Ooh, hello! I wonder what it is? Oh, it's big. It's so big. And it's all for me! What could it be? Maybe a giant aquarium? Maybe it's a lifetime supply of fish food! [slyly] Or maybe it's Stan, Francine, and Hayley. All right guys, truce. Welcome home.
[Klaus scoots back in the house. The deliveryman rolls the crate inside, drops it off, and walks away. Behind bushes in the front of the house, Stan, Francine and Hayley watch covered in scratches and bruises. A clattering noise comes from inside]
- Stan: He's opening it! It's working!
- Klaus: [offscreen] Oh no! NOT THE KITTIES AND THE BIRDIES!
[Ferocious meowing, scratching, and rattling is heard inside. Klaus gives off various screams of panic and horror]
- Stan: [over Klaus's yelling] Once they've taken care of Klaus, the house will be ours again!
[The noises continue for a bit, then abruptly stop. Stan, Francine, and Hayley wait expectantly]
- Klaus: I killed them! I KILLED THEM ALL! DO YOU HEAR THAT, STAN!?!
[a large pool of blood flows from under the door as the family look on in shock]
- Klaus: HAH! NICE TRY!
Big Stan on Campus
- (during the student protest)
- Students: Camp Sec sucks! Camp Sec sucks! Camp Sec sucks!
- Stan (countering): It's all good! It's all good!
Now and Gwen
- Steve: Face to neck. Hand to lower back. Pec to boob? I don't know shit about hugging.
- [drinking cocaine in her coffee]
- Francine: We're so goddamn rich this is how we drink our coffee!
Dreaming of a White Porsche Christmas
- [Stan wakes up on Christmas morning]
- Stan: Honey? Where's my morning B.J.? [Francine is not in bed with him] I have to get my own breakfast juice? [gets out of bed] Some Christmas.
- Klaus: These women are warriors. They live by the code of the ancient Amazons. A sisterhood who have each other's backs.
- [Hayley informs Iris that she's straight]
- Iris: Straight, huh? Not getting that from you.
- [Steve is playing his video game]
- Francine: Steve, I asked you to set the table 10 minutes ago. Dinner is ready.
- Steve: But I'm on level 15.
- Francine: Well, I'm on level 1 of the house, where I cook for you. Now set the table.
- Steve: I didn't ask you to cook for me.
- Francine: Excuse me.
- Steve: Mom, I'm busy. I'll do it in a minute. [Francine unplugs Steve's game console] NO! IT DIDN'T SAVE! IT DIDN'T SAVE!! WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??!!
- Francine: I was thinking... go set the table!
- Steve: Fuck you!
- [Francine gasps, then Klaus gasps, then Hayley gasps, then Roger, doing some gymnastic moves in the attic, stops in mid-air]
- Roger: Whoa.
- [in the dining room, Stan and the family are admonishing Steve for his behavior]
- Stan: Steve, I'm very disappointed that you used that language with your mother. That being said, I'm more excited for dinner than I have been in years.
- Roger: You did a very bad thing. You know who had to set the table tonight? Me.
- Hayley: What are you talking about? I set the table.
- Roger: Well, I would have been next in line and I did not like it.
- Steve: Didn't you do my laundry?
- Francine: No. What you said is something you don't say to your mother. So you must not think of me as a mother at all. So from now on, you're on your own. Mommy-free. Sans mommy. You ain't got no mama.
- Steve: What's that, Francine? I think you dropped a challenge. And I'm picking it up, 'cause I can do everything you do for me, laundry, cooking, telling myself I'm a big handsome boy.
- Steve: [opening the fridge to look for food] Where the hell are the leftovers?
- Francine: [turns on light] Looking for something?
- Steve: [seeing Barry eating his mac and cheese omelettes on the dining table with Francine] Barry? You're eating the leftovers?
- Francine: Maybe you can have his leftovers.
- Barry: We both know that's not gonna happen.
- Francine: No dinner meant no dinner.
- Steve: I didn't come down here for food. I'm down here for the crisper drawer. [He gets the crisper drawer and puts it in front of his face] I'm building a fort and it needs a window.
- [Suddenly, Steve's stomach begins to grumble]
- Francine: You sound hungry.
- Steve: I'M HUNGRY TO FINISH MY FORT!
- Steve: [during dinner with the family as Francine is preparing the mac and cheese omelettes] Hey, where's mine?
- Francine: You didn't ask me to cook for you, remember?
- Steve: But it was the heap of the moment, and...
- Francine: [cuts off Steve] Steve, you really hurt my feelings. Part one of your punishments is I'm ignoring you. Part two is no dinner.
- Snot: I got you dinner. You couldn't leave a ladder for me?
- Steve: My mom would see it. It's too dangerous.
- Snot: No, what's dangerous is crawling past Hayley's room with a plate full of chipped beef.
- Steve: Wait, her room's on the other side of the hou--
- Snot: [cuts off Steve] Let's not get bogged down in the details about who was masturbating where. You just have to end this war with your mom.
- Steve: I tried, but she wants to keep fighting, so now I'm in it to win it.
- Snot: Look at yourself. You've already lost, bud. You stink, and you're starving. And you're not wearing underwear.
- Steve: How can you tell that?
- Snot: We're best friends. I know your body. If you're not gonna make up with your mom, you've got to learn how to take care of yourself.
- [Francine is appalled to discover that she and Steve were nearly the victim of Morning Mimosa's cruel hosts]
- Francine: You know what, Trisha "The Sizzle"? Fuck you! [Turns to Steve] Sometimes it's okay to say it, like now, or when you're driving.
My Affair Lady
- Hayley: Winner, winner, weed for dinner.
- [Stan and Steve debate Stan's monopolization of Francine during a mother-son dance]
- Stan: Counterpoint, I was the only chauffeur who got laid last night.
- Steve: [crying] I'm throwing away your business card!
A Star is Reborn
- Stan: So this is that Lance guy you are so gay for.
- Roger: I'd have to be a cold-blooded sociopath not to put on this boy and walk him around the block
- (Stan and Francine have been dumped in the ocean by Lance's widow. Francine wakes up and sees Stan half-asleep and about to drown)
- Stan (half-asleep): Uh, thank you for electing me the mayor of Circuit City. (as he sinks): I will not disappoint you...
Manhattan Magical Murder Mystery Tour
- Francine voiceover: This isn't how she wanted to end her day...or her life.
- Francine: [enthused] A real New York hotel! How many Wall Street bankers have had their first prostitute here?
- Dick: Even though it's adding 45 minutes each way, it's neat to take the train to lunch.
- Male newlywed: Excuse me, sir. Would you mind if we took your taxi? We're a sweet, young newlywed couple and we kind of expect the world to give us things.
Holy Shit, Jeff's Back!
- Stan: [easing a gun past Hayley towards "Jeff"] Hayley, cover your ears. Daddy's going to make a bang.
- Francine: [giving Hayley advice about Jeff] Rings catch girls. [lowering her voice and rubbing Hayley's stomach] Babies trap boys.
Seizures Suit Stanny
- Klaus: "Seizure", my ass. You didn't have a seizure. You were probably texting someone a picture of your balls or something.