South Park/Season 1
(Redirected from Cartman Gets an Anal Probe)
South Park: Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 | Bigger, Longer & Uncut | Specials: The Streaming Wars, Joining the Panderverse, (Not Suitable for Children), The End of Obesity
South Park (1997–present) is an adult animated television series created by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Distributed by and airing on Comedy Central, it follows the surreal adventures of four young boys who live in the small town of South Park, Colorado.
Cartman Gets an Anal Probe [1.01]
[edit]- Cartman, Kyle, Stan, Kenny: [singing] School Days, School Days, Teachers Golden Rule Da--
- [Ike hops onscreen]
- Kyle: Aw, damn it!
- Stan: What?
- Kyle: My god damn brother is trying to follow me to school again!
- Cartman [to Kyle's brother, Ike]: Yeah, go home, you little dildo.
- Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!
- Stan: What's a dildo?
- Kenny [muffled]: It's a thing you put inside your undergarment.
- Cartman: Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, alright.
- [Cartman, Stan, and Kenny laugh. Kyle picks up Ike and hits Cartman]
- [Cartman is sitting on his couch watching TV, when Mr. Kitty approaches him]
- Mr. Kitty: Meow.
- Cartman: No, Kitty, this is my pot pie!
- Mr. Kitty: Meow.
- Cartman: No, Kitty, s'bad Kitty!
- Mr. Kitty: Meow.
- Cartman: NO, KITTY, S'MY POT PIE!
- Mr. Kitty: [hisses at Cartman]
- Cartman: MOM! KITTY'S BEING A DILDO!
- Liane: Well, then I know a certain Kitty-Kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
- [beat]
- Cartman: What?
- Cartman: Okay, that does it! Now listen! Why is it that everything today has involved things either going in or coming out of my ass?! I'm sick of it! It's completely immature! [Cartman simultaneously farts fire and a satellite dish comes out of his bottom]
- Kyle: Vi-visitors, this morning you took my brother, Ike. He's the little freckled kid that looks like a football. At first, I was happy you took him away. But I've learned something today. That having a little brother... i-is a pretty special thing.
- Stan: Yeah.
- Kyle: Ah, heck, Mr. Visitors, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world, but if you could find it in your hearts or whatever you have, to give my brother back to me, it sure would make my life brighter again.
- Stan: That was beautiful, dude.
- Kyle: Did it work?
- Stan: No, they're leaving.
- Kyle: [Absolutely livid] Hey, you scrawny-ass sh**heads, what the f**k is wrong with you?! You must be some kind of f***ing assholes to be able to ignore a crying child!
- Stan: Whoa, dude!
- Kyle: You know what you f**kers like?! You like to f**k! And s***! And F**k! And F**k! AND F**K!!
- Stan: Hey, Wendy, what's a f**k? [She shrugs.]
Weight Gain 4000 [1.02]
[edit]- Tough Guy: Get some today, and say with me – Beefcake!
- Cartman: Beefcake.
- Tough Guy: BEEFCAKE!!
- Cartman: Beefcake!
- Tough Guy/Cartman: BEEEFFCAAAAAKE!!!
- Announcer: May cause irreversible damage to the kidneys and liver.
- Cartman: Mom, [he turns his head to the left] can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
- Mrs. Cartman: Okay, Eric, I'll get you some tomorrow.
- Cartman: but mum I need it for tomorrow mum.
- Mrs. Cartman: But tomorrow's grocery shopping, Eric.
- Cartman: MOM...![he starts yelling gibberish, while throwing his Cheesy Poofs]
- Mrs. Cartman: Okay, okay! Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now then.
- [Eric stops screaming, and smiles happily]
- Kyle: Whoa, Cartman! Talk about wide load!
- Cartman: Yeah, I'm really starting to fill out nicely.
- Kyle: You're not "filling out nicely"! You're fatter than ever!
- Cartman: I'm not fat! I'm getting in shape!
- Kyle: Cartman, you're such a fat ass that when you walk down the street, people go, "Goddamn it, that's a big fat ass!"
- Cartman: No, they don't, you jealous weakling!
- Man: Goddamn, that's a big fat ass!
- Cartman: Hey!
- Stan: My uncle Jimbo says that after this he's gonna take me hunting in Africa.
- Kyle: Wow. That'd be cool.
- Cartman: My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.
- Cartman: My weenies won't cook.
- Ned: Mmmm-this wood won't burn-mm.
- Jimbo: Well, Ned, looks like we'll have to use the old Indian fire trick.
- Ned: Mmmm-yepper. [pours gasoline onto the burning wood, then catches fire] AAAAAHH!
- Jimbo: Huhahaha! Hey, stop, drop, and roll, Ned! Ah ha haha!
- [Ned accidentally tips the gas can over, creating a fire trail that leads to Jimbo's van, blowing it up]
- Stan and Kyle: Whoa!
- Jimbo: God dammit, Ned! I just got that van. How the hell are we s'posed to get home?
- Ned: Mmm-oh, it hurts! It hurts! Owwww!
- Cartman [roasting a hot dog over Ned's flaming body]: Hey, guys. This works pretty good right nyah.
- Barbrady: Okay people, listen up. As we near the top of the mountain, the chances of our encountering some lava becomes great. Therefore, I have special ordered this training film to assist us in volcano safety. Mr. Garrison, if you would, please?
- [Garrison turns on the movie projector to watch a 1952 training video called Lava and You.]
- Instructor: Harbingers of sorrow, natural disasters can be the cause of troubling and undesirable stress—and a volcano is no exception. But what should you do if a volcano erupts near you or your family? Here, we see the Stevens family enjoying on their picnic. But suddenly, daughter hears a noise: it's a volcano. Junior seems worried—but have no fear, Junior. Jane learned in school what to do when you hear a volcano erupt. [Jane uses a picnic blanket, covering her family] That's right, Jane—duck and cover. [lava passes through blanket, leaving family unharmed] So what will you do when you hear a volcano erupting? That's right, duck and cover. Looks like you got the idea. Duck and cover. Thank you and goodbye. [end of film]
- Barbrady: Okay, any questions?
- Chef: (indignant) That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!
- Barbrady: That's enough out of you!
Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride [1.04]
[edit]- Mr. Garrison: Gay people? Gay people are evil, right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?
[Meanwhile at Middle Park Elementary...]
- Jimbo: Come on, Ned, and keep quiet.
- Ned: Okay. [They climb over the fence and encounter...]
- Jimbo: Hello, Enrique.
- Ned: What are we doing here?
- Jimbo: Well, Ned, we always kidnapped Middle Park's mascot. But this year we're going to booby-trap it instead. [puts bomb on Enrique's back] And when John Stamos's older brother hits that high F in "Loving You", boom! [Enrique gets wide-eyed] No more Middle Park players. :[Enrique starts to tremble. Jimbo and Ned laugh victoriously] God damn, I love football.
An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig [1.05]
[edit]- Cartman: Hey Stan, where'd you get that black eye?
- Stan: Nothing, I mu-I mean, nowhere.
- Cartman: Your sister beat you up again, huh?
- Stan: No!
- Cartman: [Laughs] Yep, your sister kicked your ass!
- Stan: She's just pissed off 'cause she got headgear at the dentist. She's taking it out on me.
- Kyle: Yeah, but that sucks, to get your butt kicked by a girl, Stan.
- Cartman: I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like, "HEY! You get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!"
- Stan: My parents don't even believe that she beats me up. They think she's all innocent and sweet, but I know that she's an evil bitch!
- Cartman: Be a man, Stan. Just say, "Hey, woman, y-you shut your mouth and make babies."
- [Kyle's elephant and Cartman's pig get ready to make love]
- Chef: Now children, gather around, and watch the wonders of life. The beauty of Mother Nature.
- [The pig is heard squealing loudly]
- Stan: Ah, sick!
- Cartman: Fluffy!
- Chef: Hmm, now I know how all those white women must have felt.
- Cartman: If a woman did that to me, I'd be all like, "Hey, why don't you stop...dressing me up like a mailman and making me dance for you, while you go and smoke crack in your bedroom and have sex with some guy I don't even know on my dad's bed!"
- Stan: Cartman, what the heck are you talking about?
- Cartman: I'm just saying you're just a little wuss, that's all.
- Stan: Someday, Shelly, I'm gonna be bigger than you, and you're gonna wish you'd never done any of this to me.
- Cartman: I would never kill somebody. Unless they pissed me off.
- Grampa: Oh, is that a fact? Well, let me tell ya something, Porky. Your mom was over here earlier, and I humped her like a little bitch!
- Cartman (shocked): What?
- Grampa: That's right!
- Stan: Grampa!
- Grampa: And then, I dug up your great-grandma's skeleton, and had my way with her too.
- Cartman: Hey!
- Grampa: Choice piece of it, your great-grandma.
- Cartman: You piece of crap! I'll kill you!
- Grampa: That's the spirit, Tubby!
- [Cartman punches Kyle in the shoulder]
- Kyle: Ow! What the hell was that for?!
- Cartman: That's for your stupid mother! She made me miss Terrance & Phillip last night!
- Clyde: Yeah, what's the big idea having your mom call our moms last night?
- Kyle: Well, I didn't have her do it. She did it on her own.
- Cartman: Why does this happen every month? It seems like, right around the same time every month, Kyle's mom gets a hair up her ass about something, and I always end up getting screwed by it!
- Mr. Garrison: Children! Children! A certain student's mother called me last night.
- Cartman: [Tauntingly.] Oh, gee, I wonder whose mother that could have been?
- Mr. Garrison: She informed me that some of you might be watching a naughty show called Terrance & Phillip.
- Class: Yeah! Woo-hoo!
- Mr. Hat: Watching that show is bad, Mr. Garrison.
- Mr. Garrison: That's right, Mr. Hat. Shows like Terrance & Phillip are what we call 'toilet humor'. They don't expand your minds.
- [silence]
- Mr. Garrison: You see, children, these kind of shows are senseless, vile trash.
- [Kenny walks in]
- Mr. Garrison: Kenny, why are you late to class?
- [Kenny hands Mr. Garrison a note. The note reads 'Please excuse me from being late, I have a case of explosive diarrhea, signed-K']
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, okay Kenny, be seated. [addressing the class] Now, as I was saying, the reason that parents of South Park are so upset is because...
- [Kenny is waving his hand frantically]
- Mr. Garrison: Yes Kenny, what is it?
- Kenny: (I have to go pee.)
- Mr. Garrison: I thought you just came from the bathroom.
- Kenny: (I did, I gotta go again...)
- Mr. Garrison: Okay okay, go ahead.
- [Kenny goes in the restroom]
- Mr. Garrison: Now, where was I. Oh, yeah. As I was saying, you all seem to enjoy this show, even though it isn't based in reality. There's much more to life than 2 young men farting on each other. And throughout history there have always been shows that have come and gone that have been very bad, and usually they get taken right off the air. You see, you should be spending your time enlightening your minds with more intelligent entertainment.
- [throughout the lecture, sounds of some serious diarrhea come from the bathroom. The sounds get progressively worse as Kenny reenters the classroom at the end of the lecture]
- Stan: Whoa, smells like you slaughtered a cow in there, Kenny!
- Mr. Garrison: Pay attention, children!
- Stan: Aw man, I feel like a total choad.
- Cartman: Aw, come on, Stan. Maybe that's because you look like a total choad.
- Chef: Hello there, Children!
- Cartman: Hey, Chef!
- Chef: [after looking at Cartman who's dressed like a KKK clansman] Aah!
- Cartman: Whoa, Chef's really scared of ghosts, huh?
- Officer Barbrady: You're probably wondering why we're standing here with a pile of money and no pants on.
- Chef: Actually-
- Mayor: Well, I can assure you that it has absolutely nothing to do with the Japanese mafia.
- Officer Barbrady: Not a thingy-dingy.
- [Kyle saws the zombified Kenny in half]
- Kyle: Oh my God! I killed Kenny! [to himself] YOU BASTARD!
- Stan: Hey, Cartman? How come the birthday invitation you gave me says "Green Mega Man"?
- Kyle: Yeah. Mine says "Red Mega Man".
- Cartman: Right. That's what you're supposed to get for my birthday.
- Stan: Dude, you're not supposed to tell people what to get you for your birthday.
- Kyle: Yeah, that's weak!
- Cartman: Look, it's very simple, guys. Green Mega Man goes with Red Mega Man and Yellow Mega Man to make the Ultra-Mega Mega Man. You have to have all three, or it doesn't work, see?
- Stan: Up yours, Cartman. I'll get you whatever the hell I want!
- [Stan crumples up the invitation and throws it away.]
- Cartman: Oooh! So maybe you don't want to have any of my mom's cake, pie, and ice cream, then.
- Stan: Oh, "Gre-green Mega Man" it is.
- Stan: Man, recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
- Cartman: (Damien approaches) Oh, here comes the unholy butthole now. Hey! Thanks a lot for burning everything down, you little bitch!
- Damien: I apologize for ruining your playground and turning your friend into a duck-billed platypus. I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
- [Cartman farts beside him.]
- Cartman: Oh! Excuse me, new kid! I didn't mean to fart on you - I didn't have a choice!
- [Damien looks angry enough to burst a blood vessel, but he does nothing.]
- Stan: Phew! You stink, new kid! You smell like a fart!
- Kyle: Yeah, we're gonna call you Fart-boy from now on.
- [Damien walks away from them.]
- Stan: Bye bye, Fart-boy!
- Kyle: See you!
- Pip: Good day, how are you, Damien?
- Damien: Those guys farted on me, and then called me...
- Pip: Fart-boy? Oh, good! Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
- Cartman: Ants in the Pants?! ANTS IN THE PANTS?!
- Kyle: It's a game, dude. It's really fun.
- Cartman: You son of a bitch! You were supposed to get me Red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra-Mega Megaman! You dirty cheap ass piece of crap!
- Kyle: They were all out of them, dude!
- Cartman: I HATE YOU! I WANT YOU TO DIE!
[After Cartman yells and kicks everyone out.]
- Damien: Wow, that kid has some real emotional problems.
- Stan: Ah, he does this all the time.
Starvin' Marvin [1.09]
[edit]- Cartman: Mr. Garrison, why do poor people smell like sour milk?
- Mr. Garrison: I don't know, Eric, they just do.
- [Kyle sniffs Kenny in disgust]
- Stan: You know, I think I've learned something today. It's really easy not to think of images on TV as real people, but they are. That's why it's easy to ignore those commercials but people on TV are as real as you or I.
- Kyle: That means that MacGyver is a real person, too!
Mr. Hankey, the Christmas Poo [1.10]
[edit]
- Mr. Garrison: Kyle, is there anything you can do for the Christmas play that isn't related to Jesus?
- Sheila: How about the dreidel song, boobie?
- Kyle: I can sing the Mr. Hankey song.
- Mr. Garrison: The Mr. Hankey song, how does that go?
- Kyle: [singing] Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, he loves me, and I love...
- Stan: Christmas poo?
- Cartman: What the hell is Christmas poo?!
- Kyle: Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo, haven't you guys ever heard of it?
- Sheila: Kyle, that is enough!
- Mr. Garrison: See, that's what you get when you raise your child to be a Pagan.
- Sheila: Now that does it! I am going straight to the Mayor about you, Mr. Garrison!
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, wait, wait, I'm sorry, was it the Pagan remark?
- Mr. Garrison: The new law states we can't sing any songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
- Cartman: Thanks to Kyle's mother.
- Kyle: Shut up, Cartman!
- Mr. Garrison: So does anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus, Christmas songs?
- [Cartman raises his hand]
- Mr. Garrison: Yes, Eric?
- Cartman: How about we sing Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch in D minor?
- Kyle: I told you not to call my mom a bitch, Cartman!
Tom's Rhinoplasty [1.11]
[edit]- Mr. Garrison: I feel kinda nauseous.
- Tom: Yes, that's to be expected. We did some major reconstruction, sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage, all the blood and mucus just the sound of bone and sinew coming apart. [makes disgusting noises of bone and blood]
- Mr. Garrison: Arrgh!
- Tom: By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
- Mr. Garrison: [throws up] Stop! That movie was terrible!
- Tom: I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison. Why don't you get some rest and I'll check on you a little later.
- Mr. Garrison: Sat through that entire movie to see the alien, and it was her God damn father!
- Wendy: Ms. Ellen, can I talk to you?
- Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
- Wendy: I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
- Ms. Ellen: Well, I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so young, and cute, and full of life...
- Wendy: Can I tell you something, Ms. Ellen?
- Ms. Ellen: Of course, Wendy.
- Wendy: Don't fuck with me!
- Ms. Ellen: What?!
- Wendy: You heard me! Stay away from my man, Bitch, or I'll whoop your sorry ho-ass back to last year! [sweetly] Bye, Ms. Ellen!
- Wendy has just had Miss Ellen shot into the sun
- Wendy: (cheerfully) Bye bye, Miss Ellen!
- Kyle: Wendy! You didn't!
- Wendy: (sing-songy) I told her~... (Intensely, with crazy eyes) Don't. Fuck. With. Wendy. TESTABURGER!
Mecha-Streisand [1.12]
[edit]- Barbra Streisand: You know who I am?
- Officer Barbrady: Well, you aren't Fiona Apple, and if you aren't Fiona Apple, I don't give a rat's ass!
- Barbra Streisand: [screams in anger]
- Officer Barbrady: Whoa, what a bitch!
- Kyle: Well, that whole experience sure sucked.
- Stan: Yeah, I'm sure glad it's over.
- Kyle: But you know, I've learned something today. I've learned that people who want power - a lot of power - always end up dead.
- Cartman: Yeah, and I've learned something too. Robert Smith kicks ass!
Cartman's Mom Is a Dirty Slut [1.13]
[edit]- Cartman: Mom, can I ask you a question?
- Mrs. Cartman: Sure, Hun.
- Cartman: You know how my friend Stan has, like, a dad?
- Mrs. Cartman: Uh-huh.
- Cartman: And my friend Kyle has a dad and my friend Kenny has a dad?
- Mrs. Cartman: Yes?
- [long pause]
- Mrs. Cartman: Well, what's your question, Hun?
- Cartman: Goddamn it, do I have a dad?!
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh!
- Cartman: I want to know where I came from.
- Mrs. Cartman: Oh. Hmm. Well, you see, Eric, sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other, they want to be close to each other.
- Cartman: Uh-huh...
- Mrs. Cartman: And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo dilly in the woman's cha-cha.
- [long pause]
- Cartman: So who put his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha?
- Narrator: Who is Eric Cartman's father? Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef? Is it Mephesto? Or that little monkey guy that follows him around? Or is it Mr. Garrison?
- Jimbo: Nope. He's gay.
- Mr. Garrison: You go to hell! You go to hell and you die!
- Narrator: Is it Jimbo?
- Jimbo: Daaagh!
- Narrator: Or is it Officer Barbrady?
- Officer Barbrady: Huh?! Where?!
- Narrator: Or could it be Ned?
- Ned: Could be.
- Narrator: Or Mr. Broflovski?
- Kyle: Dad, how could you?!
- Narrator: Or is it the 1991 Denver Broncos? The answer is coming on an all-new South Park, in just four weeks.
- Cartman: What?! Son of a bitch!