NCIS: Los Angeles

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NCIS:Los Angeles is an American police procedural television series, which premiered on CBS on September 22, 2009. The series aired in the 9:00 p.m. timeslot following NCIS which airs at 8pm on Tuesdays for Seasons One-Five then the show moved to Mondays at 10/9c for seasons Six and Seven then moved to Sundays at 8pm for Season Eight NCIS LA now airs at Sundays at 9/8c. On January 14, 2010 the show was renewed for a second season. The show is currently going into its tenth season.

Contents

NCIS/NCIS: Los Angeles Pilot Crossover[edit]

Legend: Part 1[edit]

Vance: (Over the MTAC feed) You tell Gibbs to call me when he arrives.
Macy: You can tell him yourself.
(Gibbs enters)
Vance: Gibbs.
Gibbs: Hello, Director Vance.
Vance: I know how excited you two are about working together. I told Sec Nav I have my best people on this case. A lot of nervous people at the Pentagon. Don't make me come out there.

Nate: (referring to Gibbs) You should have slept with him way back then. Whenever then was. I was probably in Elementary School, yeah?
Macy: How do you know I didn't?
Nate: I can tell you right now...
Macy: Don't answer that!
Nate: Okay. Cool.
Macy: You scare me.
Nate: Yep.
Macy: Leave.

Callen: Is there a reason we're not meeting in a bar right now?
Gibbs: Well, yeah. It's 10 o'clock in the morning.
Callen: I don't know what's worse: getting older or getting wiser.

Macy: Why do you want to know?
Callen: Just looking out for my family
Macy: G, you don't have any family.
Callen: That's cold, Mace!
Macy: But true.
Callen: Gibbs is family... you, too.

Callen: I'll just ask Gibbs about what happened.
Macy: Yeah, let me know if you do... I want to be there to see him sit you on your ass.

McGee: (after Sam sends Abby a photo using a giant touch screen) Oh, I really gotta get one of these.
Sam: ...You got problems.

Nate: It's called a legend. It's a word coined by the Stasi, the East German Secret Police, during the Cold War. Now, their idea was to create a cover so deep it could stand up to any scrutiny: passports, documents, work papers, even family histories, and none of it true. All a... a legend.

Legend: Part 2[edit]

Macy: As I'm sure you're aware, foreign intelligence agencies are not authorized to act within US territorial borders. I would hate for your actions to cause an incident by staying here any longer, Rivkin.
Rivkin: We each have our job to do.
Macy: Yours is done. Go home.

Nate: You worked a case together?
Macy: You could say that. It was a JAG-MAN investigation. A murder. I was the lead investigator.
Nate: And Gibbs?
Macy: Gibbs was the suspect.

Eric: Every phone call, credit card transaction, internet search, all swallowed up and stored on hard drives so people can troll them for personal information.
McGee: You mean like we're doing now?
Eric: Yeah, that's okay 'cause we work for the government. Got a National Security letter to prove it!

Gibbs: Whose boat is this?
Renko: I have no idea.
Gibbs: Hey! Sand with the grain, Renko!
Renko: You've done this before?
Gibbs: [chuckles] Yeah.

Sam: You think she's involved?
Callen: They were sleeping together. She's involved, whether she knows it or not.
Sam: Yeah...

Season 1[edit]

Identity [1.1][edit]

Hetty: Expense accounts--yours are six months behind. I would have thought that, seeing you had time off for recuperation, you would have caught up on your paperwork
Callen: Please tell me you're kidding me, Hetty.
Hetty: Well, I could, but it would be a lie. No rush! Tomorrow will be fine...

Hetty: Wardrobe for your undercover work. I know you grew up in the well-meaning, but cold embrace of the welfare state, Mr. Callen, but, just because you're an orphan, doesn't mean that you have to dress like Oliver Twist.
Callen: In the three years we known each other, you've never called me "G".
Hetty: It's not a name, it's a letter.

Callen: What are we, if anyone asks?
Sam: Uhh, city inspectors?
Callen: No, no one talks to city inspectors.
Sam: Okay, you're a realtor, and I'm your client. You're showing me an apartment.
Callen: Do I look like a realtor?
Sam: Okay, I'm a realtor, and you're the guy looking for an apartment. Can we go?
Callen: Would I live in a place like this? I don't even know if I can afford a place like this.
Sam: That's why I'm showing you, to see if you'd wanna live in a place like this.
Callen: Does it have a Jacuzzi?
Sam: If it has, I'm going to drown you in it.

Callen: Where are we with friends or lovers?
Sam: There is this one stand-out guy.
Callen: Friend or lover?
Dominic: Not really the question that jumped out at me.
Callen: Informed guess?
Dominic: He's a six-foot-three, two-hundred-pound, Special Forces-paratrooper guy. Leaning towards a friend.
Sam: Good call, Dom.

Sam: I'm definitely getting you a birthday card this year.
Callen: Great. Make sure you put some money in it.
Sam: How 'bout I put some personality in it?

The Only Easy Day [1.2][edit]

Hetty: Oh, for the love of Gucci!

(Hetty finds Sam punching a punching bag)
Sam: Why does something have to be wrong? Can't a guy just get some exercise?
Hetty: Pilates is exercise. Beating the hell out of something is an aggressive expression of male frustration.

(Hetty finds Dom aggressively punching a bag)
Hetty: What is the matter with you men?
Dom: Sorry, I was just letting off a little steam.
Hetty: Like the Little Engine That Could. I know you lost a target, big deal. It happens, get over it.
Dom: So, you heard about that.
Hetty: Of course, I heard about it. I know what you ate for breakfast, sweetie.

(Callen lets Sam go in to interrogate Raspen)
Nate: This is a bad idea.
Callen: Trust me, Doc, sometimes you have to let the big dogs work it out.

Nate: Sam, I know you're angry, and you take their action personally, but--
Sam: (interrupts him) Whoa, Doc. Do me a favor, and stay out of my head!

Dom: It's hard being the new guy.
Kensi: Try being the new girl! They used to make me crawl into air vents, under houses, just because I was the smallest one. Yeah, when was the last time you had to put on a bikini for an assignment? Yeah, that's right, try hiding a gun in your thong.
Dom: Alright, I just never thought of it that way.
Kensi: Yeah, well, it's obviously not like that anymore. I mean, if you can prove you can protect yourself, and protect your team, then they'll let up. If Sam is hard on you in the office, it's just because he wants to protect you in the field. [beat] Well, of course, either that, or he genuinely doesn't like you.

Nate: What is the world coming to, when drug dealers aren't even safe in the comfort of their own fortified homes?
Hetty: Oh, your professional psychological analysis is an invaluable asset to our team, Nate.
Nate: Thanks, Hetty.
Hetty: But your stand up needs some work. Save it for open mike night.

(Eric whistles and everyone leaves, Dominic--standing with his back turned--doesn't notice)
Hetty: Personally, I don't respond to being whistled at like a sheep dog, but Eric seems to have trained the others. So, I suggest you learn the appropriate Pavlovian response. (Dominic has a questioning look on his face) Which is GO! Go, doggie, go!

Sam: SEALs work together as a team. Holgate had the tendency to act like a lone wolf, if you know what I'm talking about.
Callen: Actually, half the time I don't know what you're talking about. And the rest of the time, I just disagree.

(Dom stands with his hands raised, unaware that Sam has left.)
Hetty: What are you doing?
Dom: Training.
Hetty: To go undercover as a scarecrow?

Predator [1.3][edit]

Kensi: I'm the best first-date-girl in town. I mean, I bring my A game: funny, flirty, charismatic, tasteful.
Sam: Like me.
Callen: And the second?
Kensi: The second date: antsy, bored, distant, impatient, irritable.
Sam: Like G.

Hetty: Few men know how to deal with a smart, strong independent woman. They say they want a soul mate to share their dreams and their hopes with, but all they really want is a substitute mommy.
Nate: Okay, as a professional psychologist, I have to completely--
Hetty: (interrupts him) Nate, sit down!
Nate: Cool, I'm going to sit.

Hetty: George Hamilton once told me that what men really love is a woman that plays hard to get… or was it Frank Sinatra?
(Eric whistles)
Nate: Saved by the whistle.

(Hetty hands out papers)
Callen: Mission briefing?
Hetty: Sexual harassment guidelines. There's a seminar next week, and it is mandatory, even for you, Mr. Callen.

(The team is watching footage of a UAV attack)
Sam: How fast can we get that footage off the web?
Eric: With or without the cooperation of Sphereguide.com's legal department? (Sam looks at him) Okay, cutting through the legal tape…(types in some code and grins) I just crashed their entire server.
Hetty: (yelling from her office) Idiot hackers!!!
Eric: Uh-oh
Callen: Sam, I think we are due in the boathouse.
Sam: Walking!
(Callen and Sam walk away, passing Hetty as she walks in)
Sam: Hi, Hetty
Callen: Eric did it.
Hetty: I was just watching that viral video with the cats, and the trampoline, and the site just froze up and crashed on me! Did you have anything to do with that?

Sam: So, what are we this time, a couple of salesmen who got lost, maybe some guys looking for an old college buddy?
Callen: How about we're two armed federal agents trying to apprehend a terrorist?
Sam: Oh, yeah!

(Hetty walks up behind Callen and Sam)
Hetty: Is that blood, Mr. Hanna?
Sam: Mostly.
Hetty: Yours?
Callen: Other guy's.
Hetty: Can we bill him?
Sam: Not anymore...?

Jenson: I don't get close to people on the job. Trust me, you open that door up and you're asking for a needy, whiny slacker of a colleague.
Callen: I know exactly what you mean.
(After Jenson leaves)
Sam: I don't whine, I'm not needy, and I don't slack.
Callen: Two out of three ain't bad.

Callen: Bad news is, our only lead in this case is dead. Good news is, you're off the hook for date number two.
Kensi: Sure, hop on the Kensi-Abuse train while there's still room.

Callen: (to Sam) You know your ears wiggle when you're trying to avoid a conversation? Its kind of adorable.

Kensi: (to Razor Mantis) I will consider answering your question, once the guy to your left stops IM-ing you about my bra size.

Hetty: (referring to the hackers) These guys have spent more time with their World of Warcraft avatars than real women who aren't called "Mom".

Nate: Whoa, what happened?
Callen: Kaleem's dead.
Nate: How?
Callen: Shot.
Sam: Blown up.
Dom: You guys are thorough.

Search and Destroy [1.4][edit]

Kensi: So, Caldwell takes Amini out and sets up Flynn to take the fall. Then tortures his foster brother, Chad Ellis, to death.
Sam: (to Nate) Shrinks have a term for someone like that, Doc?
Nate: Yeah, really screwed up.

Vance: Eric.
Eric: Director.
Vance: Congratulations on the milestone.
Eric: Aw, thank you. (chuckles)
(Callen and Sam stare at Eric)
Eric: Its Facebook, he's friend number five hundred. He was kinda honored.

Callen: Hey Eric, why don't you make Hetty one of your Facebook friends?
Eric: She's friend number 251, she writes me everyday. In Greek.

(Hetty walks up to the group with a shirt.)
Hetty: What is this Mr. Callen?
Callen: Uh, that is a knit combed cotton.
Hetty: With a bloodstain.
Callen: I would never bleed on your wardrobe, it had to be a bad guy.
Hetty: Good, bad or ugly I don't care. The point is you neglected to tell me about it and now its set long enough so that it might be permanent.
Sam: Hetty, it's just a shirt.
Hetty: No, no, no, no, this is not just a shirt. This is a Saville Row one hundred percent polished Egyptian cotton hand stitched with pearl buttons. That thing you're wearing is just a shirt.
Sam: Yeah, but it's a comfy shirt.
Hetty: (to Callen) Your new color scheme is black.
Callen: I can live with black.

Eric: A few months ago he friended her. Uh, for you older guys thats the lingo for when someone asks you into their friends list.
Sam: Whats the lingo for when someone smacks you with a flip flop?

Callen: (About an origami figure Sam made.) Is that a frog?
Sam: Its a swan.
Callen: From where, Chernobyl?

(Entering a tattoo parlor)
Callen: What was your first like?
Sam: Talkin' tats, right?
Callen: Yeah, talkin' tats.
Sam: San Diego, 16, nervous as hell, didn't really know what to expect. Afterwards I just kinda felt like a man, y'know? I don't know how else to explain it.
(Sam licks his lips and smiles)
Callen: We're talking tats, right?
Sam: Yeah.

Callen: (to Nate) So, you don't have squat.
Nate: I'd say it's more of a broad spectrum of possibilities.
Sam: Yeah, that's what they call squat.

Killshot [1.5][edit]

Sam: I guess they're still working on your office.
Nate: Yup.
Sam: Know when it's going to be ready?
Nate: I don't know.
Sam: Who knows?
Nate: Hetty.
Sam: You wanna ask her?
Nate: You're armed, you ask her.
Sam: You're the psychologist.
Nate: Look, I've been trained to profile suspects and brief you guys on operations. And with three years of college, not to mention two more years to get my masters and doctorate and when it comes to Hetty ..... Clueless.

Callen: He's a bureaucrat, Sam thinks I have a deep-seated suspicion of them.
Vance: I'm a bureaucrat, Agent Callen.
Callen: I don't have a deep-seated suspicion of you, uh, Director.

(Callen, Sam and Jimmy dive for cover behind a car as an assassin fires at them.)
Sam: You want to peak your head over and take a look?
Callen: I'm good.

Hetty:And the duress word is...?
Dom: Uh, uh.
Hetty: He who hesitates... is lost, Dominic. In your line of work... dead.
Dom: Uh, "shadows."
Hetty:And with the utterance of that single word the cavalry will race to the rescue. Let's hope they don't get caught in traffic.

Dom: Oh sh…. Oh.. Uh, guys, I think I lost a button.
Sam: You lost a button?
Dom: Camera button.
Nate: Whoa, whoa, you lost Hetty's camera button?
Sam: (shaking head) Where'd you lose it?
Dom: If I knew then it wouldn't be lost.
Callen: Well, it's gotta be around here somewhere.
Sam: We've got to find that button.
Nate: How could you lose Hetty's camera button, I mean…
Sam: (pointing) Just look under there
(Callen, Sam, Nate and Dom begin looking around the scene.)
Dom: Oh, nooo, Hetty's going to kill me.

(Callen and Sam are discussing Callen's living arrangements)
Callen: I don't know, I… I think I like the boat idea better. I can just kinda sail off.
Sam: Do you know how to sail?
Callen: No.
Sam: Well that could be a problem.

Keepin' It Real [1.6][edit]

Sam: Operators are made, they're not born, G. Skills can be taught.
[...]
Sam: Teachers learn to be teachers, cops learn to be cops. And somebody taught LeBron how to dunk from the free-throw line. SEALs learn to be SEALs, G.
Callen: Oh, that's right. You couldn't swim when you enlisted, could you? How long did they let you wear the floaties? Look, I will take a lazy natural operator over an all-night studier any day of the week.
Sam: [sarcastic] It's too late, I already did it.
Callen: Mm-hm.
Hetty: Nature versus nurture. Quite the conundrum.
Callen: You cannot use the word "conundrum" before 9:30, Hetty.
Hetty: 9:31, which means, Mr. Callen, you're late.

Sam: So do you think Hetty was born or made?
Callen: Hatched.

(Discussing Agent Giordano)
Callen: I don't date law enforcement.
Sam: I think you might want to make an exception this time.
Callen: Sam, you know the rule, if they've got their own handcuffs, I'm out.

(Dom and Eric looking at busty woman on surveillance video)
Dom: Whoa!
Eric: Hel-lo!
Hetty: If only your vocabularies could be augmented as much. (walks away)
Dom: Busted.

Hetty: Take her out to dinner. After the case is over.
Callen: Agent Giordano?
Hetty: Hmm and take Sam the next night, you know how he gets.

Pushback [1.7][edit]

Vance: Somebody's been watching you Agent Callen. I need to know who. I need to know why. Anything you might have forgotten to tell me about?
Callen: Not that would explain this.

(Nate and Kensi are whispering in Hetty's office.)
Kensi: Where does she get this stuff?
Nate: None of it is redacted, not a single word.
Kensi: What if she is the redactor?
Nate: There is a scary thought. Hetty is the cleaning house for censored government documents cleared to the public.

Sam: You got a plan?
Callen: Yeah, How about we kick in his door and ask him why he is the only one of us that didn't get shot?
Sam: I've used that one before. It's a very effective plan.

Kensi: So how does a former KGB agent end up so wealthy, so fast?
Hetty: Because he knows where the bodies are buried. (pauses) Most likely because he's the one who buried them.

Hetty: That phone call is for you, Mr. Callen. Director Vance.
[Phone Ringing]
Callen: Callen. Yes, director. Standby. [hangs up] How does she do that?
Sam: I don't know, but that's the worst tea I've ever had in my entire life.

Ambush [1.8][edit]

Eric: (calling down to the team) Hetty wants you upstairs. Oh and she said one point for whoever gets up here first.
(Sam, Callen and Renko all run up the stairs, once in the operations room Hetty's not there.)
Sam: (to Eric) Are you punkin' us? Because you'd better not be.
Eric: No, sir, I would not do that.
Renko: Then where is she?
Hetty: [On Speaker Phone] I'm everywhere, Mr. Renko. Or have you been on assignment so long you've forgotten?
Eric: She's in Washington.
Hetty: I apologize for not being with you, but the political world beckons. Of course, our work doesn't stop while Washington tinkers. So let's get to it. Uh, Mr. Beale, please play the tape. The man against the glass is a Marine reservist who worked at an armoury at Camp Pendleton.
Callen: [Mutes phone] Anyone else think this is weird?
Eric: Oh, yeah, we all think it's weird
Callen: Just checkin'. [Un-mutes phone]
Hetty: Heard that Mr. Callen.
Eric: How?
Hetty: Marine Lance Corporal Edward Mackaye. Mackaye was garrotted at the Cabrillo Marine Aquarium. The entire incident was caught on something called a Fishcam, which broadcasts 24/7 on the Internet.
Sam: Now this Mackaye, he's a reservist. Wouldn't that be a case for local PD?
Hetty: I'll leave that for Mr. Renko to explain. The case is yours, Mr. Callen.

(Hetty's on the speakerphone, briefing the team when Callen puts the phone on mute.)
Callen: Anyone else thinks this is weird?
Eric: Oh, yeah, we all think it's weird
Callen: Just checkin'. (un-mutes phone)
Hetty: Heard that Mr. Callen.

Vance: (greeting Hetty) Welcome to DC, Henrietta.
Hetty: Director Vance, door-to-door service, how out of character.
Vance: Well people can change and I owe you one, big time.
Hetty: You do, especially for forcing me to leave the children in charge.
Vance: How much trouble can they get into in eight hours?

(Phone rings, Eric answers.)
Eric: This is Eric.
Hetty: It's good to hear you still know who you are.
Eric: Ah, Hetty, you having a good time in Washington?
Hetty: The last person to have a good time in Washington was General Jubal Early in 1864, he was attacking it at the time.

(Callen's fumbling for something as he is chained to a stove with Sam.)
Callen: That bobby pin. I started wearing it in the 90s. I haven't used it since then.
Sam: That's the most well trained display of standard operating procedure I've ever seen from you.

(To reach Callen inside the militia camp, Sam lets himself and Callen be captured.)
Callen: You wanna explain yourself?
Sam: Explain myself? I saved your skinny ass.
Callen: Let's see, I had a gun and a hostage before you got here. Now I'm chained to a stove with a concussion, that's a nice save.
Sam: Ten more seconds, you'd have a dozen new bullet holes in you.
Callen: Now what?
Sam: I was hoping you had some ideas.
Callen: I'm thinking I want my gun and my hostage back.

Callen: (looking at a teenage militia member) You've got to be kidding me. I'm being shot at by a Jonas Brother... And I think I'm about to meet the rest of the family.

Callen: You know that was really stupid coming in to get me.
Sam: You're calling me stupid? You wanted to "Butch Cassidy" me. You wanted to run for it.
Callen: Yeah, it wasn't my best idea.
Sam: You wanted to "Custer's last stand" me. You want to "Alamo" me.
Callen: You going to put that in your little report, with color-coded tabs?
Sam: Yeah, tabs marked "Dumb ass idea".
Callen: Nice job, Special Agent Hanna.
Sam: Aah, you said it. You feel good?
Callen: Nah, it cheapens the work.

Random on Purpose [1.9][edit]

(Callen walks in, sees the office has been re-organized, stands and stares.)
Sam: Morning, G. (Notices the office.) When did that happen?
Callen: Don't know.
Kensi: Morning, guys. (Notices the office.) Whoa, who did this?
Callen: Don't know.
Kensi: Where's our stuff?
Callen: Don't know.
Sam: Think it's safe to go in?
Callen: Don't know.

(Discussing the office remodeling.)
Kensi: Could be one of Nate's psych experiments.
Sam: I'm not one of Nate's lab rats.

(Still discussing the office remodeling.)
Nate: Organization and productivity are directly related. Cleanliness is next to…..um….efficiency.
Kensi: So, you moved our stuff?
Nate: I tried to stop her.
Callen: Hetty. She's the only one... (Callen pauses as Hetty walks up.)
Hetty: Continue, Mr. Callen, continue.
Callen: ...With the authority.
Hetty: Ah..um.. Nate, if your comment that "They might be miffed" constitutes trying to stop me, I suggest you learn more forceful techniques of self-assertion. Not that I would have listened.

Vance: I'm sending our top forensics specialist to assist you.
Sam: But there are no forensics.
Vance: Our forensic expert has a theory about this crime that's, shall we say original. Thinks McEllon is the victim of a serial killer. No other law enforcement agency in this country thinks this killer even exists. Can't say I do either.
Callen: And you're sending this person why?
Vance: I was ganged up on. (Vance signals for an end to the video conference.)
Callen: Who gangs up on the director of a federal agency?
Hetty: Oh, you'd be surprised Mr. Callen.
Callen: And who's the expert?
Abby: [Off screen] Oops. I think I took a wrong turn. Hello?
Eric: Abby? We're in here.
Abby: [enters Ops] There you are. Hi. Wow! This place is seriously cool.

Abby: So, I'm sure Leon has told you I know who killed McEllon.
Eric: Wait, you call him Leon?
Abby: You don't?
Eric: Not successfully.
Abby: Give it time.

Callen: (sighing) I'm just curious, why you pressured Vance to send Abby.
Hetty: He wasn't buying her "Phantom" theory. He needed goosing.
Callen: So, you want us chasing "The Phantom"?
Hetty: Mr. Callen is that what you think?
Callen: I don't know. There's...There's been some meddling around here. And I'm a little fuzzy on the command chain.
Hetty: This case lacks forensics. As your Operations Manager, I procured for you our best scientist to help you. You, as the head agent, are free to pursue whatever theory of crime makes the most sense. There's no fuzziness, Callen. You still shoot the ducks. I just row the boat.

(Callen and Sam are following a suspect.)
Callen: Now is that a casual walk away or is that an 'I see two guys who may be law enforcement' walk away?

(Callen and Sam are discussing options of how to get into a building through the sky light.)
Callen: Miami?
Sam: No, Miami was half the height and we still got all busted up.
Callen: One of us may land soft enough and get the shot.
Sam: Yeah, if one of us is Peter Pan.

Vance: (over phone) Where was she abducted?
Hetty: In a dark parking lot, Leon. No video, and so far, no witnesses.
Vance: Nate, I want brass tacks.
Nate: The good news is, He abducted her instead of killing her outright. Probably wants to gloat and show her he's superior. The bad news is, She does pose a major threat to him, So he will kill her. Probably soon.
Vance: All right. You keep me in the loop. Gibbs and his team are en route to manassas airport. He's trying to get a favor with the FBI To borrow their G5. He'll be with you by midday.
Hetty: Let's pray Abby has that long.

Brimstone [1.10][edit]

(Nate walks in wearing a suit and tie.)
Sam: Oh. Mr. GQ, what's up with the big boy clothes?
Callen: Huh, what, has somebody got a big date?
Nate: No.
Sam: Mommy in town for the holidays?
Nate: No, thank goodness.
Callen: Job interview?
Sam: You're leaving us?
Kensi: Uh, who, who's leaving us?
Callen: Nate's got a job interview.
Kensi: Where?
Nate: Nowhere, I don't have a job interview. I just thought I would dress up today.
Callen: Uh-huh, you backed into Hetty's Jag.
Sam: Again.
Nate: NO! And don't even kid about that.

Kensi: God, I love men in suits.
Sam: And uniforms.
Callen: And costumes.
Kensi: When did I date anybody who wore a costume?
Sam: What about the pirate guy?
Callen: Didn't he make you wear a milkmaid outfit?
Kensi: That was for a Renaissance fair and I was a wench.
Callen: So much better.

(Nate approaches Sam who is working on a bomb at his desk.)
Nate: Wow, um... Shouldn't you be working on that somewhere a little more secure?
Sam: Like where?
Nate: Uh, I don't know a room with armor-plated walls comes to mind.
Sam: Lights good in here.
Nate: I will buy you a lamp.
Sam: King said it was defused. He seemed to know what he was doing.
Nate: The million dollar question is do you know what you're doing?

Callen: (About Nate's tie) Full Windsor?
Nate: Really? Again with the tie?
Callen: I had you pegged more as a half Windsor kinda of guy.
Nate: Is that supposed to have some sort of meaning?
Callen: You're the Psychologist.

(Hetty gives Nate a new tie after he spilled something on his.)
Nate: You think I could pull off a bow tie?
Hetty: Not without a red rubber nose and those big floppy shoes.

Hetty: (to Nate) You know in my experience if you're patient, sooner or later, the people who need to talk will seek you out; often under the guise of some other intention. You just have to listen.

(Callen, Sam and Kensi return after completing their mission.)
Kensi: Looks like Hetty is still here.
Sam: She worries.
Callen: Not like she'd ever let us know.
Hetty: I had some paperwork that needed to be completed before tomorrow, Mr. Callen; some of us take our paperwork seriously.

(Hetty is sharing how she came by the bottle of scotch the team is drinking.)
Hetty: That's what Oliver Reed thought when he tried to make me his special musketeer one night. But he kept his sword in his scabbard and I kept the scotch.
Kensi: (Laughs) Looks like you also started without us Hetty!

Hetty: What did you do to your tie?
Nate: Oh, I, uh, spilled something on it.
Hetty: Ah.
Nate: Yeah. Should I get it dry cleaned?
Hetty: Well, that's an option.
Nate: Soda water?
Hetty: Well, I'd recommend donation or incineration, not in that order.
Nate: You don't like this tie, it was a gift.
Hetty: Obviously not from a loved one.

Breach [1.11][edit]

(Callen walks into Hetty's office.)
Hetty: I already sent the others upstairs.
Callen: Good morning, Hetty.
Hetty: Well that's a matter of perspective, Mr. Callen. Uh, I've been doing some accounting and I came across an anomaly in your expenses. This is a fourteen hundred dollar restaurant bill from Matsukisa.
Callen: Um-hmm, that's from the Miygomi case.
Hetty: You mean it's not a mistake? You actually spent fourteen hundred dollars on raw fish!
Callen: Not me, my alias Tony Z did.
Hetty: Ah, ah, ah and is Tony Z going to reimburse me?
Callen: Well, you'll have to ask him.
Hetty: Uh-huh
Callen: Hetty, when I go undercover as a beach bum, I eat off the Kogi truck. When I'm going after a high roller, I've got to hit it a little harder.
Hetty: Try ordering soup, player.

(The team opens a refrigerator and a body falls out.)
Sam: Well, he's clearly past his expiration date.

(Hetty has just told the team that they have to back off the case-immediately.)
Callen: We're putting together a good case here, a big one.
Sam: Hetty, Zafari's up to something, we can't stop now.
Hetty: This is coming from "on high". When I say "on high", I mean those with the political venom to end the careers of each and every one of us, including Director Vance.
Kensi: I can't believe this, all we need is a little more time.
Hetty: I know, I know. If I may slip into the vernacular, "It Sucks". But when you hear from again in an hour or so, you will shut this down.

Past Lives [1.12][edit]

(The team is discussing possible activities for their group outing)
Dom: How about Disneyland?
Kensi: I hate Disneyland.
(Sam walks in.)
Callen: Kensi hates Disneyland.
Sam: The happiest place on earth.
Kensi: I have issues with grown men in furry costumes.
(Nate walks in.)
Sam: Unless it's Thursday night?
Nate: What are we talking about?
Dom: Quality time with the team.
Callen: Apparently it's been too long since we hung out unless there's a corpse involved.

(The team is discussing possible activities for their group outing.)
Kensi: Cowboy bar on Sunset?
Callen: With the mechanical bull?
Kensi: Yeah!
Callen: No! Hetty plus mechanical bull plus tequila shots equals bar fight. Trust me I've been there.

(Discussing possible activities for the team outing)
Nate: Bowling, it's great competition, builds camaraderie and you get to wear those funny shoes.
Sam & Callen: (Unison) No bowling!
Nate: Okay, what about the cowboy bar on Sunset?
(Hetty walks in)
Hetty: Oh, that sounds like fun.
Sam: There's a mechanical bull, Hetty.
Hetty: Oh, no, never mind.

Callen: Dom? Is that a doll?
Dom: Uh-huh no, it's a one of only five hundred Alpha Centauri Imperial Class Guardians Bobble-heads in the entire world. This is not a doll.
Callen: You're playing with an alien doll? At work?

Missing [1.13][edit]

(Kensi hands Ty the camera from Dom's car.)
Kensi: Ty, could you look at this?
Ty: Aw, poor little fellow. Who'd want to shoot you?
Kensi: You talk to your computer parts?
Ty: Do you talk to your plants when you water 'em?
Kensi: Just my orchids, but they can be tricky.

LD 50 [1.14][edit]

Callen (To Hetty): Sam Sees the glass as half full. I see it as half empty; that's why we make a good team. Kensi on the other hand just drinks right out of the bottle, Nate wonders why it has to be glass, and Eric usually breaks the glass by putting his feet up on the table.

Callen: Sam doesn't play well with others and he doesn't like to share his toys.

The Bank Job [1.15][edit]

(Sam and Callen enter the office and see a box with a snake on the desk.)
Sam: Whoa, not cool.
Callen: Definitely not cool.
Sam: You want me to handle this?
Callen: Knock yourself out.
Sam: (Examines the box)It's stuffed, it's a king cobra, and its venom could kill a grown man inside fifteen minutes.
Callen: I thought those things were bigger.
Sam: Yeah, not so big until he stretches out and locks on to your butt.

Callen: You really have a GSA class six safe in your den?
Sam: Told you, I have to keep my valuables safe.
Callen: What valuables?
Sam: (laughs) I have a mint condition Patrick Ewing rookie card, a football signed by the 1986 New York Giants and the entire run of the Silver Surfer comic book series. Plus, a couple of tickets for the Lakers-Knicks tomorrow night. And they're both spoken for.
Callen: What else?
Sam: What do you mean, what else? Why does there have to be a what else?
Callen: Because that was way too easy. (Sam laughs) And because that is your 'I'm hiding something' laugh.
Sam: There is nothing else.
Callen: There is definitely something else.
Sam: (pulling up in front of a suspect's house) We're here.
Callen: That can't be it.
Sam: Conversation's over.
Callen: Is this a Navy Seals thing?
Sam: I'll show you a Navy Seals thing. (They get out of the car)
Callen: I'm waiting.
Sam: I have a Michael Jackson glove, from the Bad tour in '87. He threw it out in the front row of the Madison Square Garden show.
Callen: One of those white gloves?
Sam: He was the King of Pop, G.
Callen: Yeah. With the sequins?
Sam: The King of Pop.
Callen: Why was it just one glove and not two?
Sam: If you have to ask, you just don't get it.

(Eric is discussing the planned bank heist)
Sam: Then why pay a heist crew? Why not hire a hacker?
Eric: Because banks have unique security protocols for funds frozen by the FBI. You have to have physical access to the actual terminal to move the money.
Callen: But that's never stopped you before.
Eric: Well, most hackers don't have access to the toys that I do. I can make us all very wealthy in about two minutes. (Sam & Callen stare at him) I mean if you wanted me to. (They keep staring) Not that you would want me to, not that I would want to. I'm just saying...you know.

(The team discusses using Kensi to flirt with the bank's inside man)
Kensi: Am I the only one who wonders why there's a suspect in every case who happens to be a bachelor?
Nate: Well, seeing as how criminals tend to be male with anti-social proclivities…
Kensi: And also wonders why that always seems to be the vector that we go after first?
Hetty: The lowest hanging fruit is the easiest to pick, Agent Blye.

Chinatown [1.16][edit]

Sam: You don't have a TV, you don't read the newspaper, you clearly don't spend any time getting ready.
Callen: Maybe I was working out.
Sam: Huh, you don't work out.
Callen: I run.
Sam: Yeah, when people are shooting at us!
Callen: You know what? I slept in.
Sam: With who? You barely sleep.
Callen: There's nobody.
Sam: Come on, I think it would be great for you to be in a relationship.
Callen: Sam, how many times do we have this conversation- you're my partner not my mother.
Sam: (makes a womans voice) I just want you to be happy and find a good girl.

Sam: What are the chances this isn't a suicide?
Eric: I'd say about zero percent.
Callen: What do you know that we don't?
Eric: Mmmmm.. The words to every TV theme song?

Full Throttle [1.17][edit]

Eric: I'm a firm believer that what you drive reflects who you are.
Sam: [chuckles] Exactly.
Eric: Whatever.
Sam: [looking at Callen] The way you drive.

Nate: What Admin Division is encrypted?
Kensi: The ones used to cover something confidential.

Sam: Take Kensi.
[Everyone looks at Sam]
Sam: Yeah, you heard me. I know you're taking PCH. I'm not sitting in traffic. So, I'll find everything I can about Yeoman Rush. You two suck exhaust for the next two hours.
Callen: Suit yourself. Come on Kens. Hey, what do you say we, uh, stop for donuts?
Kensi: I love donuts.
Sam: You didn't say anything about donuts!

Allison Pritchett: Street racing's a growing problem. These kids spend more than the car's worth making them go fast. And for what?
Kensi: [looking at Allison's purse] Same reason some people spend their mortgage payment on their purse, I guess.

Callen: I was chasing a suspect!
Hetty: Ah.
Sam: [looking at the picture] No. That was - that was our day off. You were late picking me up for a King's game.
[to Callen]
Sam: No donut, no love.

Mr. Loobertz: We put the "cool" in school.
Callen: Wouldn't that be "chool"?
Mr. Loobertz: The "h" is silent.
Callen: [quietly to himself] I'm in Ell.

Sam: You gotta admire their spirit. One tragedy after another, and they just keep moving on.
Kensi: You have to otherwise, it eats you alive.

Kensi: Give me a wrench.
[Nate hands her a wrench.]
Kensi: Whoa! Easy there, cowboy! This baby's suffered enough.
Nate: Sorry, didn't know you cared so much.
Kensi: Well, what can I say? Grease is my favorite perfume.

Sam: It's just traffic school, how hard can that be?
Callen: Remember those Libyans that took us off their troller?
Sam: Really?
Callen: The Libyans don't sing.
Sam: There's singing?
Callen: And puppets.

Allison Pritchett: Tokan was James' idea. None of the guys would race a woman. You know guys and their egos.

Omar Alvarez: Hey, what about me, huh? I-I got radiation poisoning. Come - come on. I-I need medical attention.
Sam: Hey, hey, hey. I'm gonna give you two of these, okay?
[Drops two pills in Omar's mouth.]
Sam: Better?
Omar Alvarez: Hey man! Those were breath mints!
Sam: Never underestimate the importance of good oral hygiene.

Callen: We're only going to get one chance at this.
Hetty: [enters] Then let's not screw it up. Having said that, I've made some adjustments to the Challenger.
Sam: "My" Challenger?
Hetty: It may be your car, Sam. But Uncle Sam pays the gas.

Callen: [after hearing about modifications made to Sam's car.] My car?
Hetty: From what we've seen, Mr. Callen. You don't seem to need any help.
Callen: I figured.

Nick Stringer: [referring to Sam's car.] What the hell do you have in that thing, dude?
Sam: So high above your pay grade, you wouldn't recognize the view. How was your flight? Turn over. Turn over!

Hetty: I hope you guys are better liars out on the street.
Callen: Hetty, I'm offended.
Hetty: Tough. I've removed the Supercharger from the Challenger.
Sam: Why would you do that?
Hetty: Oh geeze, I wonder.

Blood Brothers [1.18][edit]

(Sam and Callen enter the office, Sam finds a Chinese spear and begins playing with it.)
Callen: Do I have to remind you of the nunchuk incident? You get hurt; you're driving yourself to the ER. That's all I'm saying.

Hetty: Wushu is the Chinese martial art with 18 arms or weapons. I prefer the steel whip or the meteor hammer, but you have to stay in practise with all of them.
Callen: No doubt. I mean, you never know when a horde of murderous Mongols are gonna come galloping over Laurel Canyon.
(Eric blows a whistle from the balcony to the rest of the team)
Eric: All hands on deck.
Callen: (to Hetty) You gave him a whistle?
Hetty: Oh, do I look as if I have gone daft? I'd sooner give a chain saw to a spider monkey. At least I took his Segway away. I'll speak to Mr. Beale.
Sam: Sooner than later, okay. Because the next time he toots that thing, he won't be using his lips.

Hetty: Go with God, Mister Callen or whoever it is who watches over you.
Callen: I have a guardian angel. She's tiny, but very tough.

Callen: You wanna be briefed on this?
Hetty: I don't know. Do I?
Callen: I can run it by Director Vance, if you prefer.
Hetty: Oh Lord, no. One of the reasons I'm here is to protect him as a designated fall guy. 'I had no previous knowledge of the operation, Mister Secretary. That mad woman went off her rocker and acted autonomously.'
Callen: You're the first line of defense?
Hetty: Yeah, you gotta get by me first.

Hand to Hand [1.19][edit]

(Deeks is undercover for the LAPD and Kensi for the NCIS but they don't know the real identity of the other)
Kensi: I emailed him some photos, private photos.
Deeks: You mean like the two of you watching the sunset at Santa Monica Pier or the kind where you're not wearing anything but a smile?
Kensi: Certain kind of photos like that, they end up on the Internet.
Deeks: Wow. So definitely, uh, x-rated then, huh? Nobody under 17 admitted? Well played.
(Hetty asks Deeks to be the liaison between NCIS and LAPD and hands him a file)
Deeks: Hmm...Who are you guys?...I mean…I mean...H-how did you get all this information?..I mean the only thing missing here is….. :(She hands him a pen)
Hetty: No need to date it.

Fame [1.20][edit]

Kensi and Deeks talking through their earpieces
Deeks: I'm gonna call you Fern, okay?
Kensi: Don't you DARE call me Fern!
Deeks walking toward Kensi
Deeks: [Loudly] Fern! Baby girl. Hoo. It's been a long time.

Hetty: $50,000 limit. However, if more than $5000 is charged to this card, I will come for you with my letter opener. Is that clear Mr. Deeks?
Deeks: Got it. Wait, what? You want me to sign this? Cause it's Cal - it's Callen's card.
Hetty: You're the guarantor.

Callen: I'm supposed to look like I can spend 50 and she's got you on the hook after 5?
Deeks: She threatened me with a letter opener!
Callen: I guess some people gotta learn the hard way.
Deeks: Why? What are you-?
Callen: [Loudly to a waitress] We'll take 2 more bottles.

Deeks: Oh, come on. What? You got some sort of Superman double back flip where you can dodge bullets? I mean you can't tell me I shouldn't have taken that shot.
Callen: No. I'm glad you did.

Found [1.21][edit]

(Eric is frustrated trying to get information from a wet computer)
Hetty: You know I despise your wardrobe, particularly those flip-flops, not to mention your surfboard leaning preciously close to my car. The sand you track into the OPS center or the millions of dollars of top-secret technology you use to play your frivolous video games.
Eric: I only left my surfboard near you car once… twice. I don't do it anymore.
Hetty: But I tolerate it all, for the most part. And, do you know why, Mr. Beale?
Eric: My playful kitten-like personality? I-I don't know why I just said that. I make jokes when I'm nervous… using humor as a defense mechanism. It's a bad habit. I don't even know why I'm still talking.
Hetty: I tolerate it because you are unequalled at what you do. I am the way I am because I demand the best. This is an elite unit whose unparalleled success rests on the superior skills of those who work here. And that's why I know if anyone can fix this, it is you.

Hunted [1.22][edit]

Callen: You okay?
Eric: I'm not comfortable with authority figures. It's why I do what I do, computers don't talk back. Well, I mean technically they can, but even then I can manipulate the voice to make it soothing, if you want. Sexy, even.
Callen: Too much information!

Callen: Agents Callen and Hanna, NCIS.
Major Medina: Major Rick Medina, Army CID out of Washington. I just got an earful from my boss, who got an earful from your boss. Meaning I'm already prone not to like you guys.
Sam: I'm not feeling a lot of love for you right now either.

(Speed-dial tone)
Callen: Eric, let me talk to Vance.
Vance: Vance.
Callen: Has Army CID been briefed on this op?
Vance: In the interests of joint operational intelligence, yes, they have. I told Major Medina that Keshwar was being held on a Turkish ship.
Callen: Well, he beat us to it. Medina just took Keshwar into custody.
Vance: Callen, I didn't say which ship. Medina never gave me the chance. He hung up before I could tell him.

Burned [1.23][edit]

Eric: This is traffic cam footage pulled from that intersection approximately 15 minutes ago.
Kensi: I'll call Deeks. Make sure LAPD. Knows we'll be handling this discreetly.
Sam: Eric, pull up everything you've got about this guy.
Eric: According to initial reports, the dead man's name was Michael St. Paris. No criminal record. Employed by North Gate Elite Security. They're a private investigation firm specialising in surveillance work.
Sam: He was running a tail. G caught him, so St. Paris bolted. I'll call North Gate and see who hired him.
Eric: Callen left the crash scene almost immediately. He must have stuck to blind spots and moved fast because no cameras got him. Also, his phone went dead right after he sent that alert to Hetty. Off the grid.
Kensi: Could this have anything to do with Agent Macy's murder in Annapolis?
Hetty: No. It's unrelated
Nate: What's Callen going to do now?
Hetty: What he does best. Become a ghost.
Sam: Um, so we can't find him?
Hetty: Not until he's ready to be found.

Hetty: Oh, Mr. Callen, is this your third cell phone of the day?
Callen: I'm keeping receipts.

Callen: What happened to protocol?
Hetty: It went out the proverbial damn window. I've been thinking a great deal about your situation. Nate has misgivings about your state of mind.
Callen: Well, he's going to have to get in line.
Hetty: During this crisis, he thought he should have a gun.
Callen: You didn't?
Hetty: Perish the thought.

Callen: Eric, I need you to bring our servers back online. I want you to re-activate the computer virus that Keelson introduced to our system.
Eric: Are you serious?
Callen: Very.
Eric: You're asking me to commit technological malpractice.

Callen, G [1.24][edit]

Callen: [Seeing a box with his name on it] See if they've got one on you, or Hetty.
Sam: [Long pause as Sam searches] Nothing on me. Two boxes on Hetty.

Hetty: [after sharpening her pencil] I much prefer a good HB to a bic. Press firmly enough and people don't have to read between the lines to get the message... The answer is no, Mr. Callen.
Callen: Hetty, you don't even know what the question is.
Hetty: It's no to all of them. Is there any mention of this in your classified file? No. Was I aware you had a relative? No. Am I surprised? No. Should you stay on the case?... Definitely, no.

Hetty: The agent's name is Trent Kort... Sam, Kensi, boathouse in half an hour. [Hetty leaves]
Sam: [to Callen] She knows. You can't go.
[Callen sighs, then starts to leave]
Sam: Where you goin?
Callen: Shoot someone.

Kort: I'm rather fond of Los Angeles, (Looks at Kensi) Maybe I'll put in for a transfer.
Sam: I hope not.

Season 2[edit]

Human Traffic [2.1][edit]

Hetty: Second unrelated question, do you have plans for this weekend?
Nate: Plans?
Hetty: Plans.
Nate: Uh, are you asking me out? No, that'd be weird. No, no plans.

Eric: Gotta love that bureaucracy.
Nate: The bureaucracy we work for?
Eric: Like I said, love that bureaucracy.

Hetty: You need a place to live, Mr. Callen.
Callen: I'm staying at Sam's.
Hetty: [groans] Spare rooms and office couches. Flophouse floors are not conducive to a restful sleep. And I need you awake. Someone's gone missing.
Callen: Who?
Hetty: Deeks.

Hetty: Pack a bag, and your passport.
Nate: I'm sorry?
Hetty: You're needed.
Nate: Needed where?
Hetty: You'll find out when you get there. There's a C-117 leaving in 90 minutes. Transport's outside.
Nate: But I - uh.
Hetty: You did say you had no plans.
[Nate sighs]
Hetty: Go.
Nate: Going.

Black Widow [2.2][edit]

Sam: You were a magician once.
Callen: Not magician, illusionist.
Sam: You bought a white rabbit, G.
Callen: It came with the hat.

Borderline [2.3][edit]

Callen: I'm all for going green, reducing our footprints, but if Hetty has her way we're going to be reusing our bullets.
Sam: She just wants us to recover our brass, if possible.
Callen: Reusable water bottles, no more paper towels, no more paper cups, what's next to go?
Sam: Saving the planet, G.
Callen: Don't come whining to me when she replaces our toilet paper with used post its.

Deeks: I think theres something wrong with you hot water heater
Hetty: The showers are on a timer Mister Deeks you cleary went over the recommended amount of time.
Kensi: You might want to make an exception in his case Hetty
Deeks: I'll have you know I won the hygiene award in high school
Eric: What kind of school awards you for bathing?
Deeks: I don't know, a sparkly clean one?

Deeks: How certain are you about your tracks?
Kensi: I'd bet your life on it.
Deeks: awesome...

Kensi: Ready to go for a little ride? (Deeks smirks) On the bikes, Deeks, on the bikes.
Deeks: I didn't say anything.

Callen: We did realize he'd just gotten back from....
Hetty: Oh yes. His mission.
Sam: Which was where exactly?
Hetty: The peoples republic of... none of your damn business.
Callen: Is that where he learned to shoot?
Hetty: No I gave him a few pointers.
Sam: Apparently the peoples republic of none of your damn business can be a dangerous place.

[Sam is opening a box]
Hetty: What are you doing?
Sam: I need to activate a former alias.
Hetty: Oh, no. NLV. NLV. "No longer viable. " Tyrell Ellis was compromised.
Sam: I know. I was Tyrell Ellis, remember?
Hetty: I also remember you were nearly killed before we got you out.
Sam: My cover was never blown. I spent 7 months undercover working Memo Torres when he was still a cartel underling. Now he's the man. That means he's the fastest route to find those missing Marines. And the only person who can get to Torres right now, is in this box.
Hetty: The man in this box has a price on his head. Why don't you just arrest Torres?
Sam: We don't have anything on him. We yank him in off the streets and we blow any chance of ever going back under in his organization. Plus, Memo hates cops of any kind. He'll be lawyered up as soon as we bring him in and we may never find those missing Marines, Hetty.
Hetty: [Callen walks in] Oh, Mr. Callen, could you please talk some sense to your partner?
Callen: What, like that's ever worked? Admittedly, putting Sam on the streets as Tyrell Ellis is not without risks. Memo Torres is behind this. Reactivating Tyrell Ellis is the only way to find him.
Sam: It's our only bet, Hetty, and you know it.
Hetty: I don't like it.

Callen: What's the safe word?
Sam: Headlock.
Callen: Really? Use headlock in a sentence.
Sam: I wasn't planning on using it.

Hetty: (To Nate as he leaves) Keep your wits sharp, your heart open and your gun loaded.

Special Delivery [2.4][edit]

Kensi: Nell's been here less than a week, and has already taken over whistle duties. Eric is not a happy camper.
Sam: Ah, he shouldn't worry. It won't be long before she's folding her tent like all the others.
Deeks: Because?
Callen: Many mysteries of Hetty. For some reason intelligence analysts just seem to rub her the wrong way.
Eric: [Clears throat] I wouldn't exactly call it a problem. More of a situation - may be a problem.
Nell: Because I'm new?
Eric: No. Because you...
Nell: Finish you sentences.
Eric': Yeah.
Nell: Has to do with being a type "A" with borderline ADD. And control issues with men I admire. [Clears throat] It's something I'm aware of and working on and hope to have some measure of control over.
Eric: You admire me?

Little Angels [2.5][edit]

Standoff [2.6][edit]

Deeks: Hence the ten-year rule.
Kensi: Mhm?
Deeks: You should always know your partner at least ten years prior to marrying them. You date me for a decade, you deserve my hand in marriage.
Kensi: That sounds so much more like a punishment than a reward.

Kensi: Dead guy Deeks
Deeks: Now you see that wasn't funny
Kensi: Not you idiot, dead guy
Deeks: Oh yeah, dead guy... well dressed dead guy.

Anonymous [2.7][edit]

Callen: Kensi, don't let him crowd you. Watch his shoulders. He's telegraphing.
Sam: Thought you were on my side.
Callen: I don't take sides.
Sam: Then stop coaching. Okay
Callen: Circle to his outside.
Sam: I thought we were partners.
Callen: We are, but I'm having second thoughts. It's a tie. Again. Way to go, Kens.
Kensi: Thank you.
Sam: Tough girl. I went easy on her.
Callen: Uh-huh.
Kensi: Oh, please.
Callen: What's up, Deeks?
Deeks: Got a shooting at the Federal Building. What are you kids doing in here?
Kensi: Training.
Deeks: For what, Pirate Fest?
Callen: Well, you're welcome to challenge Captain Blye anytime you want. She just bested Sam ten to three.
Deeks: Really? Did you go easy on her?
Sam: No.
Deeks: Really?
Sam: No.
Deeks: Kensi with a knife? [Kensi shocks Deeks] Ow. Oh, my Aah. Okay, I'm coming. That really hurt.

Bounty [2.8][edit]

Hetty: I sense impending mayhem...and perhaps an outrageous petty cash request.
Callen: One question.
Sam: Do you trust us?

Callen: What would you do with $25 million in reward money?
Sam: You mean if I wasn't a government employee and I could legally accept it?... Ah... probably buy a first class ticket to somewhere real quiet. Really quiet. Someplace you don't take a partner. You?
Callen: I would hire the best private investigator money could buy. And have him track down my partner. Then when I found him...
Sam: You'd follow me?
Callen: Send him Hetty, in an overnight package - with a big bell.
Sam: [chuckles] I wouldn't sign for her.

Callen: That's nine.
Sam: Nine what?
Callen: Nine times we've done the... corrupt agent... betrays his partner routine.
Sam: Didn't know you were keeping count.
Callen: You'd keep track too if you were the one getting a knee to the solar plexus.

Kensi: You don't trust me. I'd say that's a pretty big deal, wouldn't you?
Deeks: I just have a thing about my gun!
Kensi: At this point in our relationship, after all the stuff that we've done...
Deeks: [frowns] Escusss-sss...
Kensi: Wha-what?
Deeks: I'm sorry... Did you just say relationship?
Kensi: No. I said partnership. Okay? [pauses] You're very annoying!

Absolution [2.9][edit]

Guns are drawn
French Intelligence Operative: Federal agents! Don't move!
Deeks: LAPD!
French Intelligence Operative: NSA!
Kensi: NCIS!
Deeks: M O U S E!
Everyone flashes badges and then puts their guns away
French Intelligence Operative: What are you doing here?
Kensi: This is our case.
French Intelligence Operative: Sebastian Renner was a foreign national with information considered a threat to the United States of America.
Kensi: Still our case.
French Intelligence Operative: We don't have to be adversaries, after all we are on the same side. Perhaps we can work together. Have you found anything that might be....[Gets kicked in the gonads by Kensi]
Deeks: WHOA!!!!!! [Kensi then puts her knee into the guys face knocking him unconscious and Deeks fights with the guy's partner and wins by body slaming him into a table leaving the partner unconscious. ] What are you doing? You heard the guy! We're on the same side!!
Kensi: I'm pretty sure they're not NSA.
Deeks: Pretty sure? Because you teed off on him like you were kicking a field goal!
Kensi: Deeks! I've got a hunch they're foreign operatives, ok?
Deeks: A hunch! You don't kick a guy in his junk on a hunch. Geez! Sometimes I don't even know you! Who does that?

Later, in the boat shed
Sam: Where are they now?
Deeks: Had my LAPD buddies lock 'em up downtown for a few hours. You know, give 'em a taste of the real LA that's not in the star tours.
Callen: They probably have diplomatic immunity.
Deeks: That's exactly why we put them in county. I mean they're going to be lucky if they get to make a phone call by Christmas!
Sam: Hm.
Deeks: Just uh...don't let Kensi interrogate them.
Callen: Why is that?
Deeks: Well, cause the guy on the right, she kicked him right in the nom de plumes.
Sam: No!!!!!
Deeks: Guy didn't even have his weapon out!
Callen: Really?
Kensi: I...
Deeks: Uh huh. right in the cul-de-sac. Kicked him so hard it gave me a stomach ache!
Kensi: So what! It would have been better if I had pistol whipped him across the face?
Deeks, Callen and Sam : Yes!

Deliverance [2.10][edit]

Hetty: Mattias.
Mattias: This is getting to be a habit.
Hetty: I told my director, that he might someday regret having passed you to the C.I.A.
Mattias: And one day later?
Hetty: The regret is all mine.
Mattias: And now you're asking yourself, why would the CIA free me? Especially after I tried to kill you.
Hetty: Obvious answer. You're working for them. You get your freedom. What do they get?
Mattias: The book.
Hetty: Ah. You said you didn't think it even existed.
Mattias: Doesn't matter what I think. The CIA believes it exists. And by your presence here, so do you. Although I do find it odd. This office has already been thoroughly searched.
Hetty: Then why are you here, Mattias?
Mattias: Because the easiest way to find the book...
Hetty: Is to follow me. You're aware there are other players?
Mattias: Isn't it in all our best interests that the Russians don't get the book?
Hetty: The Russians. (sighs) Then I can trust you to leave my agent inside alone.
Mattias: She'll find nothing. And you know it. It's a shell game. You want us looking here so we're not looking somewhere else.
Hetty: I could shoot you right now, Mattias. But you're not even worth the paperwork. (keyless entry remote chirps)

Callen: Anybody see anything?
Eric: Wait a second. I've got one of the guys who killed the cop. He's at the bus stop across the street.
Sam: Three more guys in a Jaguar pulling up behind you, G. [realizes] This is a stakeout.
Deeks: A stakeout for what?
Callen: Us. Cole must have told them about Renner's safe deposit box before they killed him. Without the key, they're stuck.
Kensi: They're waiting for us to get the book. Then they're going to try and take it.
Sam: They got to ID us first.
Callen: [answers his cellphone] Yeah?
Blond Russian #1: Do not move, Agent Callen.
Callen: [looks down and spots a red dot on his chest] Sam, I think they already have.

Deeks: Want to get some ice cream?
Kensi: Deeks! Look out!
Blond Russian #1: Give us the book.
Kensi: We don't have it.
Blond Russian #1: Purse.
[Kensi hands over her purse Henchman shakes purse revealing no book]
Kensi: Told you.
Blond Russian #1: Then get in the car!
Deeks Uh-uh. She's not going anywhere
Blond Russian #1: Then four of us die, and one of us lives.
Deeks: He's got a point. All right. Take me.
Kensi: Deeks.
Deeks: She's just a cop, you know? She's not even an agent. To tell you the truth, no one even really likes her that much, you know? Too pretty for her own good - kind of a snob.
Blond Russian #1: Get in the car!
Deeks: Kensi! Don't move.
Kensi: Nice try Deeks.
Deeks: Kensi!
Kensi: It's ok. You'll get me back.
Blond Russian #1: Tell your superior her life for the book.
Deeks: Oh, yeah? How do you know I'm not the superior? I could be. Kensi?
[Henchman shoots out front tire of Kensi's Cadillac SRX]
Deeks: Damn it! Eric, I got a license plate for you. It's Nine-Queen-John-Item, Nine-Zero-Five. [Sam and Callen arrive to Deeks] They got Kensi.

Disorder [2.11][edit]

Callen: Dare I ask what we did to deserve this, Hetty?
Hetty: Rest assured, Mr. Callen, I never give gifts unless they perfectly suit the recipients.
Callen: And perfection struck four times today?
Hetty: ...Happy Holidays everyone!

Kensi: Hetty's never given us anything for Christmas before. Why this year?
Callen: Exactly.
Deeks: Because she knows I like surprises.
Sam: You guys ever feel like we're stuck babysitting some kid whose parents won't come to get him - ever.

Sam: No, no, no, no, that's a nice spice rack.
Deeks: I know.
Sam: I bought it myself. I bought it for Hetty Christmas 2008!
Callen: Scented candle? Smells like sage.
Kensi: Jasmine...I gave that to Hetty two years ago.
Callen: Same scent?
Kensi: Same candle.

Sam: I don't run around... giving gifts to just anyone. Takes a cold woman to do me like that.
Callen: And you took a lot of thought into that spice rack, and the sweater.
Sam: You still have those steak knives I gave you?
Callen: ...Yes.
Sam: Okay.

Kensi: What if we take him back to the crime scene to jog his memory?
Navy Commander Dr. Stanfill: I wouldn't recommend that. There's a strong chance that if he's re-exposed, it'll trigger a major panic episode.
Deeks: So we may *never* know what happened in the house last night?
Navy Commander Dr. Stanfill: This man has no family and no friends. The trauma he experienced while deployed has driven him into complete isolation. Frankly, forgetting what happened last night may be the best thing for him.

Kensi: (about her ex-fiance) He said life over there was like falling through the sky. Constant rush of adrenaline. Everything felt vivid and real...And coming home to me - coming home to me felt like hitting the ground. And I did - I did everything I could.
(Kensi starts sobbing)
Kensi: Oh my...I worked with a psychiatrist. I helped with his meds and I listened. I always listened - *always*. It was Christmas morning, I woke up and he was gone.
Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: Where he go?
(Kensi shakes her head)
Deeks: (from observation) She's - she's playing him. She's trying to get him to open up, right?
(Callen and Sam exchange looks)

Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: You know your ex was right. It's exactly like falling through the sky. And - and that's why what you're suggesting scares me. I already hit the ground when I came back from Afghanistan. What if it happens again?
Kensi: I will be right there to catch you.

Deeks: Were you ever tempted to go looking for him?
Kensi: Maybe I was hoping one day, he would come looking for me.

Sam: Kensi, I know what you're going through. I've been there.
Kensi: I watched Jack...slip away. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.
Sam: I don't believe that for one minute. I know what it's like to have someone I care about come back from deployment a different person.
Kensi: After all that Talbot's been through, I'm going to do everything in my power to help him!
Sam: Kensi, Talbot's not Jack.

Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: So what do we do now?
Kensi: We'll, uh, we do what most families do on Christmas Eve.
Deeks: Watch Uncle Bob get drunk and pee in a toaster?

Deeks: Turkey sandwiches for everyone?
'Kensi: Actually, tradition in my house was ice cream and beer.
Deeks: Really?
Kensi: Don't knock it til you've tried it.
Deeks: Oh, I've tried it. Although it was 7th grade and it didn't end pretty for anyone. Unless of course, you like Jackson Pollock.

Kensi: (Waking up after being knocked out) I had a dream. I was um, being visited by the Three Wise Men, and then I saw Deeks.

Deeks: Kensi. Kensi!
Kensi: I'm good to go!
Sam: I don't think you are. And it has nothing to do with the head wound.
Deeks: I'm driving.
Kensi: (tosses him the keys) Fine. Scratch my car, I'll Ben Gay your shorts.

Kensi: When he thought I was getting suspicious, he confessed to killing both of them, thinking his PTSD would cover him. I should have seen through it.
Callen: LAPD, the entire US Navy, his own psychologist didn't get it. What makes you so special?

Overwatch [2.12][edit]

Deeks: The report says it's a home invasion gone bad.  Yousef Afzal was killed by blunt force trauma to the head, he was hit, he fell, and then died.
Kensi: And then half autopsied.
Sam: And then stolen.
Callen:  That's a bad day, even for a dead guy.

Callen: So why do you steal a dead body?
Kensi: Proof of death.
Sam: Satanic ritual.
Deeks: Cannibalism.
[Kensi, Callen and Sam look at him]
Deeks: I was just thinking outside the box.
Sam: You need to get back in the box.

Deeks: I'm going for cryogenic suspension.
Kensi: Ah.
Deeks: Mm-hmm. Frozen in a suspended state of animation and then thawed out when they have medical technology to bring me back.
Kensi: Can we keep you in the office? Ooo. With a little viewing window like an aquarium. That would be so cool.
Deeks: You mock me now. Twenty years from now when I come back, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to marry your daughter.
Kensi and Deeks: Oh!
Deeks: That is awkward.
Kensi: That is creepy.

Archangel [2.13][edit]

Frisbee: You're making a big mistake.
Callen: That's actually my line.
Frisbee: You prepared to shoot three FBI Agents in broad daylight?... [Starts to go for his ID] May I?
Callen: Left hand.
[Frisbee realizes he doesn't have his wallet. Callen pulls out Landon's ID]
Callen: You looking for this?
Deeks: Oh buddy that better be a real badge, or my partner will kick you in the FBI balls.

Duane: Is that what you call surveillance?
Deeks: Uh, we sure as hell surveilled your FBI asses.
Carla: You're interfering with a federal investigation.
Kensi: Uh, our investigation, actually.
Frisbee: We've been working this case for months.
Callen: It is clearly time for us to take over.
Kensi: You wouldn't have even known there was a leak if Naval Intelligence hadn't discovered it.
Carla: Isn't that an oxymoron?
Kensi: No. But there is a moron in all this - several, in fact.
Deeks: Oh, snap. What? Point: Kensi. FBI serves.
Frisbee: You've overstepped your jurisdiction. We're the senior agency here.
Callen: Good point. But... it's best to be sure about a thing like that. I'll get Hetty in on this. (speed-dials cell phone) Hetty, this is Callen. We got a situation.
Carla: Hetty? As in Henrietta Lange?
Kensi: You know her?
Frisbee: We've heard stories.
Duane: Sounds like a whole lot of urban legend if you ask me.
Deeks: Au contrare, mon frer. She's real. And you do not want that little chupacabra surveilling your asses.
Callen: [hands his phone to Frisbee] She wants to talk to you.
[Deeks chuckles]
Frisbee: This is Agent Frisbee.
Eric: (whispering) Landon Archibald Frisbee, born in Hackensack, New Jersey.
Hetty: Agent Landon Archibald Frisbee from Hackensack?
Frisbee: Yes
Nell: His wife's name's Darlene.
Hetty: How's your wife, Darlene?
Frisbee: She's fine.
Eric: (whispering) Lots of late-night phone calls to this woman... Uh, Heather Teasdale. She's a recent divorcée, works in the same federal building.
Hetty: How's Heather?
Frisbee: (clears throat) Heather?
Hetty: Teasdale. Oh, no. Oh, was that a secret? I'm so sorry. I think we can both agree, Agent Frisbee, that this is a matter of national security.
Frisbee: It's "Freeze-be."
Hetty: I would hate to have to call Bobby and complain to him about your reluctance to collaborate with us on such a serious matter.
Frisbee: Bobby?
Hetty: Your director!
Frisbee: (clears throat) I don't, um... Think that'll be necessary.
Hetty: Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Have a wonderful day... Agent Frisbee.
Frisbee: It's Freeze... (Hetty hangs up) (phone beeps)

Hetty: Move it, Mr. Callen.
Callen: I've got more body mass to move than you.
Hetty: You've got a lot more excuses too.

Kensi: Can you shut down his server?
Eric: His server, his cell service, his electricity. You name it.
Deeks: Can you get me free cable?
[Everyone stares at Deeks]
Deeks: No, because that would be piracy.

Hetty: I just got off the phone with Director Vance. He's on his way to brief Sec Nav. Who in turn has an appointment with the President. You know what that means, don't you?
Callen: Heads are going to roll.
Hetty: Its the other end of one's anatomy that I'm worried about. The ass chewing gets worse on the way back down the ladder.
Callen: What does that mean? You're next?
Hetty: No. Because you're going to resolve this before that happens.
Callen: I will do my best to protect your ass... sets.

Lock Up [2.14][edit]

Hetty: (to Sam) There will be a time and a place for what you want. And I promise you; you'll have it.

Deeks: [Kensi is eating her breakfast] You want to talk about it?
Kensi: No.
Deeks: We're - we're here to listen.
Kensi: No, I'm fine.
Sam: Let her eat her feelings in peace.

Nell: Hi Nate.
Nate: Hi Nell.
Eric: You two know each other?
Nate: We go back a few years.

Sam: You should've told me.
Hetty: That's precisely why I didn't.
Sam: Moe isn't trained for this. He shouldn't be in there alone.
Hetty: He isn't in there alone. You underestimate me, Mr. Hanna. One of our best people is in there with him. Uh, Eric, ISP number 579.72.351.462. Access camera 7.
Eric: Okay.
Nell: Where is this?
Eric: Oakville Federal Prison.
Hetty: I'm sure Nate is more than capable of this.

Tin Soldiers [2.15][edit]

Sam: Besides you don't look like a cop.
Deeks: All this *gestures at his face* is so I can go under cover.
Sam: As what? Shaggy from Scooby-doo?
Kensi: He's right, you do kind of look like Shaggy!

Deeks: You ever think that we're gonna be that happy?
Kensi: Yeah...Just not together...

Deeks: Well why don't we act like partners to save our partners so you and i don't have to be partners.

Deeks: I didn't tell her because I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal.
Kensi: You went out with one of her girlfriends.
Deeks: For drinks, all right? And it was her friend's idea. And I - I was just being polite.
Kensi: So you wouldn't have slept with her friend if she offered?
Deeks: No... Okay, maybe. But just to be polite. You know, because I'm a hopeless romantic.
Kensi: To me, you're just hopeless.

Hetty: You see what happens when you pull away from your team.
Callen: My team? I didn't hire Deeks, or any of them for that matter.
Hetty: No, if I left the hiring up to you, you'd be the only person working here.
Callen: You saying I don't play well with others, Hetty?
Hetty: I'm suggesting that your default is to go it alone when you may be needing them the most. I'd like to think that I impart a certain wisdom and skillset to those who pass through those doors. The one wish I have for you, Mr. Callen, is that by the time you leave here, you've learned the art of trusting others in your personal life as well as your work.

Callen: [On his cellphone] Nell, you don't have to whisper.
Nell: Right, well, maybe I don't have to, but I would prefer to, if that's okay with you. Not that I don't respect your authority, Agent Callen. It's just, I think it would be in my best interest not to get on Hetty's bad side.
Hetty: [Entering] Too late dear.

Empty Quiver [2.16][edit]

Sam: Need to stop this video Eric!
Eric: Video's already in the cloud, the auto run script executable is about to go live, I'm almost there....
Sam: Eric!!
Eric: Video's been disabled guys.
Hetty: What did you just do?
Eric: I used a VNC controller to piggyback the upload with a Trojan and corrupt the streaming data packets by initiating the stack buffer overflow.
Hetty: (pause) In English, Mr. Beal?
Eric: Oh...I broke the Internet.
(Nell punches Eric's shoulder)

Kensi: Oh hey, guys! What did Eric do with the video?
Sam: He shut down the Internet.
Kensi: (looking astonished) What....the WHOLE Internet?
Sam: (matter-of-fact) Yeah.
Deeks: Even Twitter? Whoa.

Personal [2.17][edit]

Kensi: Callen, who is Deeks' next of kin?
Callen: That's a good question.

Deeks: Do I know you?
Kensi: Deeks.
Deeks Not my nurse?
Kensi: I'm serious, Deeks.
Deeks: My name is Deeks really? I'm kidding, I remember you Fern
Kensi: Yeah? You're a funny guy? I'm gonna punch you in your bullet hole.
Deeks: That sounds vaguely dirty. I think I'm gonna have to tell Hetty.

Deeks: The hospital asked me for my next of kin. Who should I put?
Hetty: Lange. Henrietta

Harm's Way [2.18][edit]

Eric: (whistles for the team) You hear the shrill, you know the drill!

Deeks: (walking into a suspect's motel room) Ya know, for a guy who lived here for 18 months, he sure doesn't have much to show for it. He's got no big screen flat plasma TV...
Kensi: (clicking on laptop) Computer's configured for Arabic.
Deeks: (opens fridge) No beer. No funky, week-old clothes in the corner. No pizza boxes. This is very un-American.
Kensi: (picks up passport) Felix Attino. Colombian.
Deeks: That explains why he's un-American, but not why he speaks Arabic.
Kensi: (picks up a second passport) This would. A Yemini passport. Look at the name.
(passport reads: Saadat Habaza)
Deeks: We just found Abdul's brother.

Sam: This isn't the way home.
Callen: Nope. Promised Hetty I'd get her a futah. Bright colors.
Sam: Better get her two.

Imposters [2.23][edit]

Hetty: Being in charge sucks, Mr. Callen. Everyone looks to you for guidance and answers - even when you have none to give.
Callen: Well, I've never known you to ever be at a loss for words.
Hetty: The true test of a commander is when he is as frightened and confused as those who look up to him. In that moment, when you can't find it in yourself, you will find it in them. That's leadership.

Season 3[edit]

Lange, H [3.1][edit]

Vance: You're a long way from home, Agent Callen.
Callen: Heh. A couple of days ago, I would've agreed with you. Right now I'm not so sure.
Vance: How's your team?
Callen: Not my team.
Vance: Hetty's team then.
Callen: We're fine.

Vance: Agent Callen do you have a plan?
Callen: [sighs] I gave up being an agent when I turned in my badge.
Vance: You didn't turn in your badge. You mistakenly left it on Hetty's desk. I put it in her desk for safekeeping. Do you have a plan?
Callen: Yeah.
Vance: Enlighten me.
Callen: Save Hetty.
Vance: Carry on, Agent Callen.

Eric: No food or beverages in Ops.
Nell: Who says?
Eric: Doesn't seem right.
Nell: She's not here, Eric.
Eric: No, she's not.
Nell: She resigned.
Eric: Yes, she did.
Nell: She's somewhere in Eastern Europe.
Eric: Most likely.
Nell: She has zero control over what you do. What you say or what rules you choose to break. [puts a bag of cookies down]
Eric: And yet... [sips his coffee] Did you say "Oreos?"

Cyber Threat [3.2][edit]

Sam: You hear anything?
Callen: She's still recuperating - like she was last month - and the month before that.
Sam: You think something is going on?... Of course. It's Hetty. Something else is going on.

Kensi: Have we heard any news on Hetty's condition?
Sam: According to Nell, Hetty's still keeping an eye on things.
Callen: Big Brother is watching.
Deeks: Or in Hetty's case - Little Mother.
[Everyone stares at Deeks]
Deeks: What? You guys have been doing this too long. You're getting paranoid.
Hetty: [From Deeks's computer] A healthy dose of paranoia can keep you alive in this business, detective.
Deeks: [yells out startled and slams the computer shut] Whoa! Did you just see that?
Sam: I saw you slam Hetty's face shut.

Eric: Detective and Agents, can I have your attention? Acting Operations Manager Hunter requests your presence in the Operations Center. ASAP. Thank you. [goes back to Ops]
Callen: What the Hell was that?
Kensi: That was Hunter - forbidding Eric from whistling.

Kensi: I'll go in as a tutor. Deeks can go in as a dog walker or something.
Deeks: Okay. Why can't I go in as a tutor and you go in as a dog walker?
Sam: It's called a mirror.
Deeks: How dare you, sir! Has anyone here gone to Law School? Huh? Anyone passed the Bar Exam in the State of California? Anyone?... Anyone?
Kensi: This coming from a guy who learned how to tie his shoes at... 12.
Callen: Really?
Deeks: I'm from L.A... I grew up in sandals.

Callen: [Eric starts showing some video footage] Can you read what she's saying, Kens?
Eric: I ran the footage through a lip reading program.
Kensi: [Offended] Excuse me? [scoffs] A computer program can't duplicate a skilled human lip reader.
Eric: Well, the software suggest she's saying something about gambling.
Deeks: Gambling?
Kensi: [scoffs and watches the footage] ... It's possible.

Backstopped [3.3][edit]

Lauren: Your hostility towards me is affecting the team.
Callen: No it's not. The team is doing just fine. Whatever hostility I have is not about them. It's about you. I can't trust anybody who witholds information about my past - my life.
Lauren: And yet you trust Hetty?

Kensi: But how much do we really know about each other? We've always had Sam or Deeks act as social buffers. And I know you don't like to open up to anyone, but still...
Callen: You don't exactly open up to anyone either.
Kensi: Yeah, but I'm willing to try for the good of this partnership.
Callen: Okay.
Kensi: Okay.
Callen: I'm listening.
Kensi: Heh. [Long pause] Just stick to the case.

Callen: It's comparing apples and oranges.
Sam: Lethal injection or firing squad.
Kensi: Not really fair to either of them.
Deeks: I'm just saying comparison begs to be made.
Callen: Hetty or Hunter?
Deeks: Pick your poison.

Deeks: Okay, that's my face you just stepped on. Please do something stupid so my partner can shoot you.
Sam: Why'd you run?
Charles: Bomb.
[the shack explodes]

Hetty: You asked me why I went off on my own to face the Comescus. I did it... because of your mother.
Callen: You knew my mom?
Hetty: Sit down. I'll tell you everything I know.
Callen: Why now?
Hetty: Because you're safe from the Comescus now. And because I can't hold on to these secrets any longer. Please Mr. Callen.
[Callen sits down]
Hetty: Where do I begin?
Callen: What was her name?
Hetty: Clara... Her name was Clara.

Deadline [3.4][edit]

Deeks: Eric, I need you to run a plate for me. 2, S as in Slayer, M as in Metallica, A as in Anthrax, 5-6-4, P as in uh, parsnip.
Eric: Parsnip? Your lettering system is Heavy Metal bands, and you're giving me a root vegetable for P?
Deeks: I don't know, man. I drew a blank.
Eric: Pantera? Hello.
Deeks: Oh. Cowboys from Hell. What was I thinking?

Kensi: Have you ever considered that maybe Monty just likes the sound of voices coming from the radio? That it doesn't really matter what we're listening to?
Deeks: Wait for it.
[Deeks changes the station. Monty whimpers then barks]
Deeks: Okay. Changing it back, buddy. Changing it back. Therapists explained it to me. Monty's uh archetypal canine subconscious...
Kensi: Okay. Stop.
Deeks: It's actually Pavlovian.
Kensi: No. You have to stop. This is getting far too weird.

Sam: He was saving his furry butt, that's what he was doing. That why they retired him?
Deeks: Actually the vet that did his psyche eval said he had a nervous condition. It's kind of like canine PTSD.
Sam: Puppy Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Sacrifice [3.5][edit]

Kensi: [to a pair who are trying to get surveillance tapes] Federal Agents. Stop!
[the pair run only to encounter Deeks]
Deeks: STOP!
[the pair turn around encountering Sam]
Sam: Like she said. Federal Agents. Stop!
Deeks: Why don't they ever stop? It amazes me that they never stop.

Nell: If it's on the road, it'll show up. I mean you can't hide from Kaleidoscope... You have started a Kaleidoscope search.
Eric: Not exactly. I plugged into the LAPD database. As soon as the car is found, I will get an alert.
Nell: You're right. That's not exactly a Kaleidoscope search. So... what are we waiting for?
Eric: We?
Nell: You.
Eric: Hetty told Sam no use of Federal resources for personal matters.
Nell: Is this the same rebel Eric Beale who completed Level 5 of Warrior Quest on the big screen in Ops? The same rebel who dared to eat Oreo cookies in Ops without a napkin. The same rebel who broke the Internet.
Eric: But it's Hetty.
Nell: But it's Sam.
Eric: I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.
Nell: Mmm... you are.
Eric: While Hetty scare me intellectually. I fear Sam on a more physically visceral level... All right, Beale, let's do this!

Callen: Charlene is a 1970 Challenger Sam's been restoring for the last 10 years. It was stolen last night.
Kensi: Oh that's horrible.
Callen: Yeah, big guy's heart broken. He was up all night questioning everyone in a 2 mile radius of the storage unit. Working on that car was Sam's theraputic refuge. Honestly, I don't think he ever wanted to finish it.
Kensi: Car like that is either in a chop shop, or being driven really hard south of the border. That's not good.

Sam: Whoever stole Charlene better hope LAPD catches them before I do.
Callen: You don't mean that.
Sam: Yeah, okay.
Callen: Stage 2.
Sam: What?
Callen: Anger. It's the second stage of grief.
Sam: I'm not grieving. I just want my car back!

Callen: You good?
Sam: Why do you ask?
Callen: So far, you've done a car, a gun and I believe that's a dead body. Amazing detail.
Sam: I'm good.
Callen: It's okay to be depressed.
Sam: I'm not depressed.
Callen: You will be. Stage 4.
Sam: Look, I'm not depressed, bargaining, angry, or in denial. But I *am* getting a little irritated.
Callen: Are you hungry?
Sam: Hunger's not a stage.
Callen: It's true. But loss of appetite is a sign of depression.
Sam: Keep it up.

Eric: [Finding Sam's car has been torched] Who's going to tell Sam?
Nell: Technically he asked you to find it.
Eric: It was your motivational speech that got us out here in the first place. Maybe it's a sign.
Nell: What? That we both tell him?
Eric: No. that neither of us tell him.
Nell: Ooo.
Eric: I mean, no good can come from this, Nell.
Nell: All right, what he doesn't know can't hurt him.
Eric: Agreed... We never saw this.
Nell: Saw what?

Lone Wolf [3.6][edit]

Kensi: Have you guys seen Deeks?
Callen: Uh, good morning to you, too.
Kensi: Hi. Have you heard from him?
Sam: It's only 9:00.
Kensi: I know, but he was supposed to pick me up at the airport this morning and he never showed.
Callen: That's right. How was Hawaii?
Kensi: It was fine.
Sam: Meet anyone? Go to any luaus? Solve any crime?
Kensi: It was fine. Back to Deeks. I called his house number, I called his cell. No answer anywhere.
Callen: He's probably just hungover.
Sam: Or surfing.
Callen: Or he forgot.
Sam: Or all of the above.
Kensi: He has flaked on me before, and I suppose he does sleep through his alarm on a regular basis. So, yeah, you guys are right. Of course. Whatchya eating?
Callen: Bacon, eggs, mine.
Deeks: Really? That's it? No phone calls to the hospital or the morgue? I mean, I could be lying in a ditch someplace.

Honor [3.7][edit]

Kensi: What are we talking about?
Deeks: Nothing! We're talking about absolutely nothing.
Callen: Someone called into a talk radio show last night, sounded exactly like Deeks.
Kensi: Did he now? What was he calling about?
Callen: Oh, he just wanted to talk about his feelings... for a co-worker (Kensi smiles)

Kensi: Speaking of partners, where's Sam? Mr. Always 5 minutes early is late - again.
Deeks: And he's taken 3 long weekends this month.
Kensi: You know what that means?
Deeks: He's in rehearsals for an off Broadway revival of Cats.
Callen: I'll tell him you said that.

Deeks: Don't you think it's strange that Callen's a talk radio guy?
Callen: Why's that?
Deeks: I don't know. I've always kind of considered you more of a - you know a - TV static white noise type of guy.
Callen: I have no idea what you're talking about.
Deeks: Well, I am a man of mystery.
Kensi: Mystery or misery?

Hetty: Where's Sam?
Callen: He went home to spend time with his family.
Hetty: Ah, that's good. He needs that... especially now.
Callen: [Long pause] What about you? You ever regrett not settling down - and having a family?
Hetty: I think about it sometimes. Maybe when I'm older. [chuckles] And you?
Callen: I think I'll keep looking for mine first. Good night, Hetty.
Hetty: Good night, Mr. Callen... Good night, Walter.

Greed [3.8][edit]

Hetty: The waltz was revolutionary in the late 18th century because it was the first time couples faced each other when they danced. It was a scandalous display of public intimacy.
Deeks: Public intimacy-- I like it.
Kensi and Deeks: One, two, three. One, two, three.
Kensi: He's stepping on me.
Deeks: That's not true. You just keep putting your feet underneath mine when I lift them.
Kensi: You know where I'm gonna put my foot?

Hetty: I would love to teach the two of you the traditional Viennese Waltz with each other as partners.
Sam: [chuckles] She's kidding.
Callen: ...No, she's not.
Hetty: Agent Hanna, take your partner by the waist - back straight. Do I need to repeat myself.

Deeks: [Kensi's captive. Deeks passes by holding a painting seemingly oblivious] Are you digging the art in this place as much as I am? I mean it's cool. It's bold. Why aren't there more cool, you know? Oh there's another one! I wannna show you this one. This is my favorite [goes off screen] It's the perfect combination of girls and guns. [returns with his weapon drawn] Let me make this perfectly clear. If you harm her, this is gonna be your last day on Earth.
Michael Saleh: Who are you?
Sam: [Entering from behind with weapons drawn] Federal Agents! Drop you weapon!
Michael Saleh: [In recognition] Agent Sam Hanna.
Sam : Turn around - slowly.

Nell: I mean, I know why I sent the flowers to myself, so what's your excuse?
Eric: When I saw that someone else had given you flowers, I I-I felt...um...
Nell: Competitive?
Eric: Competitive. I felt competitive. Competitive with you. That's a good word for it. So, I took the flower from Hetty's desk.
Nell: You took a flower from Hetty's desk.
Eric: Yeah. She cuts them herself. It's a big bunch. Hetty will never miss it.
Nell: Hm-hmm.
Eric: I'm doomed, aren't I?
Nell: You sacrificed yourself to compete with me.

The Debt [3.10][edit]

Deeks: [Kensi enters the back of Deeks's car] Did anybody ever tell you how cute you are when you're homicidal angry?
Kensi: I'm not angry. In fact, I could slit your jugular vein 11 different ways from where I'm sitting and wouldn't lose my temper.

Deeks: I'm sorry I had to lie to you. I was protecting you.
Kensi: You were protecting me?
Deeks: Us
Kensi: Us?
Deeks: Our...Our thing
Kensi: Whoa! So there is a thing?

Hetty: Detective Deeks.
Deeks: Yes?
Hetty: The LAPD has cut its ties with NCIS. Liason duties are discontinued effective immediately... I'm sorry. [leaves]
Kensi: Wh-what does that mean?
Deeks: Hetty just fired me.

Bates: You regret it?
Deeks: I thought the lowrider was going to kill the girl then kill me. I made a judgement call. I'll live with it.
Bates: I meant NCIS. I thought they'd fight a lot harder to keep you. Apparently, you don't belong there either.

Bates: Not easy losing partners, is it?
Kensi: Partners come and go.
Bates: I wasn't always a cop, you know?
Kensi: You served as an intelligence officer for the Army, conduction several interrogations during Desert Storm.
Bates: And you just lied to my face. Partners like Deeks don't just come and go. What's the story with you and him?
Kensi: Well, if he ever decides to call me, I'll be sure to ask him.

Kensi: Hey, Nell, whatever happened to that file I asked you for? The one on the aryan low rider that Deeks shot at the park.
Nell: Oh right, um, I'm sorry I guess I forgot.
Kensi: You never forget anything, Nell.
Nell: Um, yeah. I told them this wouldn't work.
Eric: Okay, so right after you guys left Monica Lee's office, she called a pay phone located two blocks away from the LAPD Precinct. I'm seeing a dozen other incoming calls to her PDA over the past few days, all from pay phones within walking distance of the same area.
Callen: So the mole's definitely a cop or someone who works closely with them.
Sam: And he's making life way too easy for Fisk. If we don't find him, that RDX is as good as gone.
Kensi: [Entering Ops] You kept me in the dark!
Callen: Please tell me you didn't waterboard Nell.
Kensi: The guy Deeks killed this morning, he isn't dead. He's an undercover NCIS agent working out of D.C. , who, in fact, just landed in Dulles Airport alive and well. You stuck fake tattoos on him and made me believe that my partner shot an unarmed man. Why would you do that?
Sam: Had to be convincing for LAPD and Bates or else they never would have taken Deeks back.
Nell: Sorry guys.
Callen: The woman Deeks rescued is also one of ours.
Sam: The whole thing is a setup.
Kensi: That is why you stationed me and Deeks so far away from Fisk and the Aryans. The op this morning wasn't about them. It was about your ruse. I knew something was off. I knew it!
Callen: We suspected Fisk had a mole. It was a ploy to force Bates to cut ties and take Deeks back from us.
Kensi: Do you guys have any idea what I've been through today?
Sam: It was Hetty's call, Kensi.

Blye K (part 2) [3.17][edit]

Deeks: I'm not talking about what they want, alright? Forget what they want. I'm talking about us. Alright, I'm your partner what makes you think I'm gonna let you do this by yourself?
Kensi: Because you're my partner and this is my mother and you're the only person I trust.

Season 4[edit]

Endgame [4.1][edit]

Recruit [4.2][edit]

Kensi: You didn't give me a chance to miss you, Deeks.
Deeks: Is that why you turned your cell phone off?
Kensi: I turned my cell phone off because I was at a yoga retreat, and I needed to relax.
Deeks:: Uh, wait a minute. You don't do yoga. I do yoga, and you mock me for it.
Kensi:: That's because I do it for spiritual centering. You, on the other hand, do it to pick up chicks.

Hetty: When I'm gone, I'm gone. No ceremony, no memorials, and absolutely no bringing of flowers to my grave.
Callen: Don't worry. There will be none of that.
Hetty: Good.
Callen: From what I hear, Granger is going to have you stuffed in a lifelike pose for his office.
Hetty: Don't be cheeky.

Callen: Thank you. Oh, that's so good. You sure you're not hungry?
Sam: Not now. What the hell is that?
Callen: Fish tacos.
Sam: What kind of fish?
Callen: The kind that swims in the ocean. Mmm.
Sam: How could you eat something without even knowing what it is? That could have been last week's bait, for all you know. Even looks like chum.
Callen: Carlos is the Iron Chef of the food trucks.
Kensi: Smells good over here. What's for lunch?
Sam: Mystery fish.
Deeks: Oh, Deep Sea Surprise is back?
Callen: Help yourself.
Deeks: Seriously? Mm-hmm. Nice. Sharesies?
Kensi: No, thank you. And don't say "sharesies."
Sam: All right. How'd you two make out?
Kensi: Parents are in denial. Their son worked at L. A. County Beach and Harbor and has a girlfriend, Mary Clark, who we are on our way to go see now.
Deeks: [eating a fish taco] This is delicious.
Sam: Too bad you don't know what it is.
Deeks: Sure I do. It's a Lake Superior white fish. I'd say caught in a gill net. Probably two or three days ago.
Sam: [groans]
Deeks: What? I'm a surfer I know my fish.
Kensi: Yeah, he's kind of like a trained seal, only without the "trained" part.
Sam: Or the "SEAL" part.

The Fifth Man [4.3][edit]

Dead Body Politic [4.4][edit]

Nell: Our friend Chaucer has led a big life. He's descended from a long line of award-winning poodles.
Kensi: Chaucer was flown to Paris twice, to breed.
Deeks: He was paid to have sex in Paris? I should have been born a dog. (Kensi stares at him) I walked into that one, didn't I?

Deeks: Hmm... think I'm gonna have to go spend some time with him, alone.
Kensi: Why? What's going on?
Deeks: Nothing. I just got a way with animals.
Kensi: Okay, when you say it like that, it sounds really creepy.

Granger: I left DC to escape politics.
Hetty: Owen, you can't escape politics. You either play or get played.

Hetty: (to Kensi) I once ruled Nicaragua for 72 hours. Don't ask.

Out of the Past [4.5][edit]

Rude Awakenings [4.6][edit]

Skin Deep [4.7][edit]

Deeks: (about his love for Donny and Marie) Is that so wrong? Does that make me a bad person?
Kensi: Not at all. Just a little bit creepy.
Deeks: Oh, good, then that doesn't change anything between us.

Collateral [4.8][edit]

Granger: So, would you do it again?
Hetty: Without hesitation, Owen. Two lives saved hundreds of others.
Granger: Well, Potter planted the bomb, but it was your finger on the detonator.
Hetty: Not everyone can do what we do. The secrets we live with, the personal sacrifices we make. I just pray the world's a better place for them. I didn't choose this life, Owen. It chose me. All you can do is keep your head down, your gun up and your conscience clear.

Nell: Somebody is out there trying to kill her.
Eric: I know, we've got to stay cool. This is Hetty, right? She's always three steps ahead of everyone. She's tactically brilliant, ridiculously courageous, experienced, resourceful. I mean, if Mata Hari and Genghis Khan had a daughter, it'd be Hetty.
Nell: Or General Patton and Joan of Arc.
Eric: Exactly. Her kung fu is strong, and her magic is powerful. Say it.
Nell: Her kung fu is strong, and her magic is powerful.
Eric: Don't underestimate Hetty. She never underestimates us.

Callen: She blew me off.
Sam: I ignore you all the time; it never bothered you before.
Callen: Something's up.
Sam: Something's always up with Hetty.

The Gold Standard [4.9][edit]

Callen: The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man who has no secrets to keep.
Hetty: Edgar Watson Howe. And yet it's a necessary evil in our business, I'm afraid.

Free Ride [4.10][edit]

Callen: I know that look.
Sam: You're starting to sound like my wife. You know what they say when your partner starts sounding like your wife?
Callen: Get a new wife?
Sam: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.

Drive [4.11][edit]

Kensi: She might feel more comfortable with a sympathetic female.
Deeks: I don't know, I'm pretty in touch with my feminine side.
Kensi: Yeah, see, that's the problem. If you did have a feminine side, you'd be touching it all the time.
Deeks: Wow. And yet, so true.

Paper Soldiers [4.12][edit]

Kensi: Well, if you must know, I've killed another house plant. That is fourteen since July.
Deeks: Wait. That's it? That's the source of your sourness?
Kensi: It was a cactus.
Callen: You killed something that thrives in Death Valley?

The Chosen One [4.13][edit]

Kill House [4.14][edit]

Nell: Can I ask you guys a question?
Callen: Go ahead.
Nell: Um, when do you stop being afraid of you know, busting into places, guns blazing?
Callen: When you trust your training.
Nell: That's easier said than done.

Deeks: Do we get a safety word?
Sam: What do you think?
Deeks: I was hoping for a yes.
Kensi: This isn't one of your bondage sessions, Deeks.
Deeks: She's kidding, but if you hear me yell noodles that means I'm in trouble.
Callen: If I hear you yell noodles, I'm gonna shoot you myself.

History [4.15][edit]

Deeks: I cannot wait to retire.
Sam: You know, you actually got to do some work before you can retire from something, Deeks.
Deeks: Just gonna sit on that beach with my dog, Monty Junior, Junior. You know, just checking out the lady birds in their bikinis.
Kensi: See, you're only young once, but you can be immature forever.
Deeks: Preach it Sister!

Wanted [4.17][edit]

Kensi: Promise me you'll never do that.
Deeks: What's that?
Kensi: Get yourself killed.
Deeks: Well the good news for you is I have a natural aversion at death so...
Kensi: I'm not kidding.
Deeks: Ok.

Deeks: (to Kensi) You smell like sunshine and gunpowder...two of my favorite things.
Kensi: Eww. You're like wet dog.

Snyder: He also likes blondes.
Kensi: All right, I will wear a wig, but I will not dye my hair for this man.
Sabatino: Wouldn't help. You're not his type.
Kensi: [Long pause] What's his type?
[Snyder and Sabatino smirk and look at Deeks]
Deeks: No. Really?... Come on!

Red: Part Two [4.19][edit]

Deeks: Wonder what it would be like-- you, me, Red Team...
Kensi: Unbearable.
Deeks: ...working together.
Kensi: We're supposed to be working an unsolved murder case in which the victim was shot in the back of the head with a low-velocity round, Deeks.
Deeks: Living together. Me walking in on you in the shower. Or the bunk room. You walking in on me in the shower. Or the bunk room.
Kensi: You walking in on Sam or Hetty.
Deeks: Who invited them?
Kensi: We're a team, aren't we?
Deeks: Yeah. No, two people can be a team.
Kensi: Mm. How many case files have you reviewed?
Deeks: Seven.
Kensi: Mm?
Deeks: Almost.
Kensi: Thirty-three.
Deeks: Thirty-three?!
(phone ringing)
Kensi: Get on it!
Deeks: (clearing his throat) Detective Marty Deeks, Cold Case Division. (laughs) Oh. Yes. Hi... Hetty. Yes. No, we're... Right now? Ops on the double.

Purity [4.20][edit]

Kensi: We'll take the bikini bar.
Deeks: What? We will?
Kensi: I don't like to see him beg. And plus, he would mope all the way to Point Mugu if we didn't.
Deeks: This is fantastic news, but I don't beg.
Kensi: Oh, you beg.
Deeks: I definitely don't mope. 'Cause you're the moper. You're, like, Mopey Dick

Resurrection [4.21][edit]

Kensi: Look, I am taking a leap here with this babysitting thing. It would be really nice to have my partner there to back me up. That is, if he takes me up on it.
Deeks: You want to play house?
Callen: They want to play house, Sam. At your house, when you're not there.
Sam: Oh, yeah? I have nanny cams. Everywhere.
Deeks: That's okay, 'cause I do some of my best work on camera.
Kensi: Oh, thank you for an image I will never be able to get out of my head.

Raven & The Swans [4.22][edit]

Callen: Our boy got a briefcase.
Sam: Lap top probably inside.
Callen: What are the chances of getting that away from him long enough to access the computer?
Sam: Creating a distraction and grabbing the case 10 seconds, breaking the combination if it's locked another 20, copying the files 2 minutes.
Callen: Outsmarting the bad guys?
Sam: Priceless!

Sam: (referring to Callen and Hetty) Yeah, you two are cut from the same cloth.
Callen: Hardly. Hetty is, uh, hand-painted silk. I'm more of a--
Sam: Itchy polyester?
Callen: I was gonna say denim.
Sam: Well-worn denim.
Callen: What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Parley [4.23][edit]

Kensi: [flashing her badge] NCIS.
Monica: Excuse me?
Kensi: Too many letters? Federal agent.

G. Callen: That whole motherland thing's overrated. I mean, look at me. I come from a line of blood-feuding gypsies who keep trying to kill me. How's that justice?

Deeks: I was just going to see if you were good.
Kensi: Yeah. You?
Deeks: I mean, I'm good if you are good.
Kensi: I'm good.
Deeks: Okay, good. We're good. Which is, you know... great.
Kensi: Glad we cleared that up.

Descent [4.24][edit]

(Deeks is looking at Kensi after he kissed her)
Deeks: How's that for communication?

Season 5[edit]

Ascension [5.1][edit]

Michelle: Isaak! You sent Barbies after me? I hate Barbies. I used to pull their heads off when I was a kid.
Sidorov: How did you find me?
Michelle: A Barbie told me. Right before I pulled her head off.

Impact [5.2][edit]

Deeks: You got me a Cronut?
Kensi: Um, I did, but that was a while ago, and I left it at your doorstep, so that's old, don't eat it.
Deeks: N-N-N-No, d-don't throw it away. It's the thought that counts, I'm gonna frame this thing.
Kensi: You're so weird.
Deeks: I mean, look at that. It's like America and France made slow, sweet love and then had a pastry baby.


Kensi: What happens next?
Deeks: It's a love story.

Omni [5.3][edit]

Hetty: Oh, uh, I need to inform you all that because of an executive order, Omni's shares of Norris BioTech are now the property of the U.S. And Dr. Leonard will be the acting president of the company. That's it.
Deeks: Good for him. See? I told you. He's, uh, socially awkward and annoying because he's a super genius.
Kensi: Great. What's your excuse?

Kensi: Would have screamed louder if they had cut your hair?
Deeks: Wow
Kensi: It feels good! I missed you.
Deeks: Sorry....what?
Kensi: You know what I mean
Deeks: I do

Deeks: You know, the goal here was to look like a Hollywood hipster. Ensemble you got going, it's like Gap threw up some Hot Topic. Definitely not hip.
Kensi: Yeah, well, it takes a special kind of guy to wear jeans that skinny.
Deeks: They're tight. I mean, they're real tight. They're tight because I need my space. You know what I mean? Tight in all the right places.
Kensi: And yet you still found room to hide your gun.
Sam: They're like Archie and Edith.
Callen: It's more like Archie and Meathead.

Sam: I thought that party was VIPs only.
Deeks: Yeah, no... I... not-not that I'd been, but if I had been, which I'm not saying that I have, it's only because the security guards are very pro-LAPD.
Kensi: Which probably means he used his badge to get in.
Deeks: Of course I wouldn't do that. That's against, uh, LAPD regulations.

Sam: You good?
Deeks: Yeah! I’m good! (Sam, Callen and Kensi all stare at him.) God, you guys, I’m fine, all right? You can stop walking around me on eggshells. I understand it’s my first day back and you’re worried about me but I’m … I’m good. You know what? I’m … I’m better than good. I haven’t wept the bed in over a week and the voices in my head have all been going away. (Deeks starts talking to himself.) Shut up! No, you shut up! I’m fine!
Sam: Seems good to me.
Deeks: Thank you.

Sam: I’m 6’3, 225.
Callen: That is big!
Sam: It’s not big! You know, it’s above average, I’ll give you that. But I’m not like some oversized behemoth. I’ve got good proportions, see.
Callen: What is this all about?
Sam: The other night my family was watching Project Runway and all of a sudden it became funny time in the Hanna household. So they were talking about how I need a makeover.
Callen: Ah, ah, ah!
Sam: Don’t start! When I find something that works I stick with it.
Callen: I hear you! Our lives are dangerous enough without taking any fashion risks.
Sam: I tried to mix it up. I went over to Robertson to pick up some jeans over the weekend.
Callen: You bought clothes on Robertson?
Sam: No! You know why? Because they don’t carry clothes for men my size. That’s what the guy said to me.
Callen: Wow! And he’s still alive?
Sam: When did grown men start wearing skinny jeans? Huh? Could you picture me in a pair of skinny jeans? I couldn’t fit my arm in a pair of skinny jeans.
Callen: You wore huskies as a kid, didn’t you?
Sam: Why do I talk to you?
Callen: Because even a man your size needs a friend.

(Sam is putting handcuffs on a suspect.)
Suspect: Someone get this giant off my back!!
Callen: He's not a giant. He's just husky!

(The team is walking away while Deeks starts talking to himself.)
Deeks: Yo, Deeks, that was crazy man! You just … saved that woman’s life and fell down a 90-foot cliff! What? Don’t worry about it. That’s just the job, man. It’s what I do. Break hearts and save lives! Huh? Just knowing you guys care, that’s enough. Right? Argh! Uh, what does it mean when you’ve got shooting pains going down your back and you can’t feel your legs?

Reznikov, N [5.4][edit]

Deeks: Why'd you wait with the bodies? You could have been long gone by the time we got there.
Kolcheck: Because I wanted you to know what happened, what Callen was going to do.
Kensi: Why?
Kolcheck: Because Callen is a friend of mine and I don't want him to die today.

Unwritten Rule [5.5][edit]

Jason: (To Deeks) Are you trying to annoy me?
Kensi: He doesn't have to try, he's naturally annoying.

Nell: Uh, sorry that took so long. I was stuck behind an old man on a scooter for the past six blocks.
Callen: I'm sure he appreciated your patience.
Nell: Well, he flipped me off before I finally passed him.
Callen: He was probably just waving.
Nell: He called me a ginger bitch.
Callen: Yeah, I got nothing for that.

Deeks: Hetty, hi. Can, I, uh... ask you a question?
Hetty: No.
Deeks: No, as in, I can't ask you a question?
Hetty: No. Upstairs, there's a case.
Deeks: You're not even curious of what the question is?
Hetty: No. (walks away)
Deeks: Okay. I cherish these conversations. Feels like we're really bonding as a couple.

Big Brother [5.6][edit]

Callen: Think the neighbors had any idea they were living next to a drug cartel?
Sam: Like your neighbors have any idea who they're living next to.
Callen: Of course they do, a handsome bachelor.
Sam: A quiet man who keeps to himself? Classic description of a serial killer.
Kensi: I wouldn't mind tailing Agent Ambrose
Deeks: He's cagier than a loaded weasel....What? They can be pretty cagey!
Kensi: I never leave my weasel loaded
Deeks: I bet you don't
Sam: Do I need to separate you two?

The Livelong Day [5.7][edit]

Sam: Hey, Kensi.
Kensi: Yeah.
Sam: What happens when Mercury is in retrograde?
Kensi: Deeks gets retro-annoying.
Deeks: Wow.
Kensi: Oh, come on. Problems happen all the time, and three times a year, we have to blame it on Mercury? Ridiculous.
Sam: Sounds like an urban myth.
Callen: It's more like a superstition.
Deeks: Don't do it, don't taunt Mercury.
Callen: Or what, the guy in the chariot's gonna stop pulling the sun around the Earth.

Fallout [5.8][edit]

Granger: (about the off-the-book operation) Do you have any idea what you've done?
Callen: Retrieved our technology?
Sam: Made the world a better place?
Deeks:: And looked good while doing it.

Deeks: Okay, honestly, who still uses a pay phone? I'd rather kiss the Outbreak monkey than use a pay phone.
Kensi: How are you a germaphobe? I've seen your apartment.
Deeks: Okay, I'm fine with my own germs, and you, of all people, should not be giving housekeeping notes. I've seen cleaner litter boxes.
Kensi: Oh, meow.

Recovery [5.9][edit]

Kensi: Damn it, Deeks, you asked me out on a date without actually asking me out on a date. Now, if this keeps going this way and we can't communicate, and we've been over this, you never say what you mean, a-and if this is the way it's gonna be, then I don't know how we're ever gonna--
Deeks: I don't want to be here with you right now.
Kensi: What?!
Deeks: I want to be at my place, right now... with you.

The Frozen Lake [5.10][edit]

Deeks: I'm honestly just trying to make this work.
Kensi: It's not going to work. I'm standing on my frozen lake.
Deeks: [Gives Kensi a confused look] I'm sorry, I don't know what that is
Kensi: Your frozen lake is the name for what you want the most in the world and you want it, you want it so bad that you'll do anything to get it. And your heart takes over. But because of that, it destroys you in the end. It's right there, just sitting in the middle of this frozen lake, and you think you're fast enough to go out and grab it before the ice cracks...
Deeks: And what you don't realize is you're already standing on the ice and it's falling apart around you.
Kensi: Yeah.

Kensi: We're gonna figure this out. All we gotta do is talk about it.
Deeks: Okay but you don't, you don't really like talking about it.
Kensi: Yeah but I promise I'll be better at talking about this.
Deeks: What do you, what do you mean for this?
Kensi: This...you know
Deeks: This thing?
Kensi: Yes...Our...Thing
Deeks: I'm sorry I just, I didn't hear you. There were so many people walking by if you could just maybe say it louder, just once just say it!
Kensi: I hate you.
Deeks: You don't. You don't. You don't hate me!
Kensi: Our thing.

Iron Curtain Rising [5.11][edit]

Kensi: Well, I feel like they resent me being here.
Granger: Why would they? And even if they do, so what?
Kensi: Well, some of us don't relish being disliked.
Granger: Let's focus on the mission, Miss Congeniality.

Sam: You know you have a house now. You can sleep there. That's what normal people do.
Callen: I sleep there. I do.
Sam: You're like a cat that keeps going back to its old place, even though the owners moved.
Callen: What do you want me to say? I'm a creature of habit.
Sam: Yeah, you're a creature, all right. Of bad habits.

Merry Evasion [5.12][edit]

Hetty: How are you doing?
Kensi: Fine.
Hetty: Bone china is fine. You are not bone china.
Kensi: I'm doing very well.
Hetty: Uh-huh. What's your assessment of the task force?
Kensi: They're okay.
Hetty: I think the mountain air must have limited your vocabulary.

Hetty: And you two can go interview the senator.
Deeks: The two of... You mean the two of me?
Hetty: I want you and Nell to see the senator, find out if he knows anything about these Chinese PLA threats.
Deeks: Me and... Nellosaurus?
Hetty: Yes, I move fast, Mr. Deeks. Gotta keep up.
Nell: Let's go, Shaggy.
Deeks: Well played. I'm with you, Velma.

Windfall [5.20][edit]

(Kensi is coming back to work after her mission in Afghanistan.)
Callen: How are you?
Kensi: Good.
Sam: Yeah?
Kensi: Really good.
Deeks: You look good. I mean that you seem good by the way that you look.
Kensi: It's because I am good.
Callen: Good.
Deeks: Good.
Sam: Good!!
(Eric comes down the stairs.)
Eric (whistles): Kensi! Lookin’ good!

(Kensi is stuck in OPS.)
Kensi: What would you like me to do.
Eric: I don’t know, really.
Kensi: Well Hetty said I was supposed to be helping so, there’s gotta be something for me to do
Eric: Uh, well, I’ve got a pretty big knot in my shoulder right now. I’m just kidding! Of course I’d never ask you to do anything like that. (whispering) Even though it would be helping.
Kensi: Oh really? So Nell would be massaging you right now?
Eric: Um no. Because she’d be busy actually doing something.
Kensi: What would she be doing, Eric?
Eric: Remotely accessing Davis’ computer, mirroring the hard drive and initiating an SSH P3 protocol for a complete sweep.
Kensi (rolls her eyes): Which shoulder?
Eric: Righty.

Deeks: Hey.
Kensi: Hi.
Deeks: We haven't had a lot of time to chat since you've been back.
Kensi: I know. It's gonna change.
Deeks: You mean ... it's gonna change? Does that mean that? Wait a minute, are you back?
Kensi: Sure looks like it.
Deeks: That's good news. I was getting a little worried, because, uh, I'm pretty sure Nell was falling in love with me.
(Kensi punches Deeks in the shoulder.)
Deeks: Aah! God! (smiling) And there she is.
Kensi: Here I am. It's good to be back.

One More Chance [5.22][edit]

[Kensi hug Deeks and give him a kiss]
Deeks: Oh, hi, wow. What're.. what? What are we doing here? What's that?
Kensi: I'm giving her a reason to look over here, and it's either that or I throw my coffee on you!
Deeks: Well thank you so much for not scalding me in the face instead of giving me kisses!
Deeks: I just realised that you're the yin in my yang. So to spoke.
Kensi: Explain to me how you have this capability of making everything sound so wrong.
Deeks: It's a gift, isn't it? I'm just saying, like you're the right of my wrong, I'm like the good to your evil.
Kensi: The beast to my beauty?
Deeks: That's hurtful.

Exposure [5.23][edit]

[Sam and Callen are walking through a second hand dealership and looking at the cars on show.]
Sam: Look at this. It should be illegal to mistreat cars this way. Salvaged or not.
Callen: Yup. It's bad car-ma.
Sam: [grimaces] That's as bad as these cars look.

Callen: Where's Dana Steele, Eric?
Eric: You're close. According to the tracker, she's right inside the Grand Central Market.
Sam: Yeah? Well, we're looking right inside the Grand Central Market-- it's like trying to find Waldo.
Callen: Who's Waldo?
Sam: Where's Waldo?, the kids book. [Callen looks at him blankly] He's like a goofy kid with a red and white striped shirt. [in disbelief] You don't know Waldo??
Callen: Sounds very patriotic. Look, this story is a big break for Dana. She may be able to parlay this into an anchor desk.
Sam: Yeah, thanks to a terrorist attack on American soil.
Callen: Every journalist owes tribute to the evil one.
Sam: What's that, one of Hetty's quotes?
Callen: Jean de La Fontaine. 17th century French poet.
Sam: [chuckles] You know 17th century French poets, but you don't know Waldo?

Granger: They're quite a team, Henrietta.
Hetty: They're my '27 Yankees.
Granger: Doesn't get any easier, does it? Sending them out each time, never knowing if they'll come back.
Hetty: They always come back, Owen. Until one day they don't.

Deep Trouble (part 1) [5.24][edit]

Deeks: I've never noticed that she's not, not attractive.
Kensi: She's beautiful!
Deeks: You're beautiful!

Season 6[edit]

Praesidium [6.3][edit]

(Talking about Afghanistan)
Kensi: I just want to forget what happened
Deeks: Shh, Shh, I know you do. I know you do, but you can't. And the harder you try, the harder it's just gonna fight back, trust me. You just gotta let it out. You have to make peace with it. But that takes time.

Seal Hunter [6.6][edit]

[Kensi notices Deeks attempting to open a durian.]
Kensi: What's that?
Deeks: Durian. King of fruit. So hot now.
Kensi: Since when is fruit "hot"?
Deeks: Since the Garden of Eden. Then it was an apple, but fruit has evolved.
Kensi: This one might be more evolved than you.

Eric: I'm sending you a still from Canter's parking security cams. Leyla was always there with a very formidable man.
Deeks: [looks at the picture on Kensi's phone] Wow. And that is a formidable toupee.
Kensi: [shows Edna a screenshot of the man] Come on. You can't forget a guy who lives with a cat on his head.

Eric: Hacking is like sex. You've got to get to know all the aspects of the server - her secrets, her fears.

Callen: Turner still not talking?
Deeks: He's a durian.
Kensi: And, by that, he means prickly, self-protective, and hard to crack.

[Sam and Callen trailed Turner to his boat. Sam's phone rings]
Sam: It's a video call from Turner. [he answers the call and the video feed shows him and Callen from behind]
[Callen and Sam turn around and see Turner pointing his phone camera at them.]
Turner: [laughs] I knew you were trailing me the whole time.
Callen: Well, you're a slippery SEAL, huh?
Sam: You could've walked around.
Turner: Where's the fun in that?
Callen: [teasing] That toupee act as a flotation device for you?
Turner: It's not a toupee. Why does everybody always say that? I just have thick hair.

Humbug [6.11][edit]

Nell: Unless, I don't know... maybe...you wanna... come home with me

(Nell is ready to go home with Eric and they're talking about the cover story to tell to Nell parents)
Eric: Photojournalist by day superhero by night.
Nell: Okay, Clark. I think we're gonna have to come up with something a little more believable than that.
Eric: Okay, like what?
Nell: Well it has to make sense that you'd be coming home with me.
Eric: Right.
Nell: Like, a boyfriend.
Eric: Aah!

Kensi: That's you and me, Kensi and Deeks, Deeks and Kensi. Alone we are bold, we are brash, we can move mountains. But together we're...
Deeks: We're safe.
Kensi: Yeah. We're safe. I wanna be bold Deeks but I wanna be bold with you.
Deeks: So no more games then.
Kensi: No more games.
Deeks: Chips on the table.
Kensi: All in.
Deeks: All in.
Kensi: Tonight?
Deeks: Tomorrow.
Kensi: And...The day after .. (Deeks interrupts her with a kiss)

Black Wind [6.14][edit]

(Callen and Sam are working undercover in a fast food truck.)
Callen: What the hell's this?
Sam: I went to Costco, picked up some veggie burgers. A whole case. Some people enjoy a healthy alternative.
Callen: Really?
Sam: Absolutely.
Callen: You do realize you're in Tijuana, not Malibu, right? Good luck with that.
Sam: What the hell are you doing?
Callen: Cooks faster this way.
Sam: You're destroying the meat.
Callen: Hey, it says fast food on our truck, all right?
Sam: Yeah, but you're squeezing all the juice out. The juice equals the flavor. Move out of the way. I'll man the grill, G. Now it's gonna taste like leather.
Callen: Hey, be my guest, George Foreman, all right?
Sam: Come on! Keep it up, I'll deep fry your taquitos.

(Kensi and Deeks are about to go interrogate a plumber.)
Deeks: Maybe he can get us a discount on low-flow shower heads.
Kensi: (chuckles)
Deeks: You know showers account for 1.2 trillion gallons of water a year?
Kensi: Maybe he can get us a low-flow fixture for your mouth.
Deeks: Maybe he can get us a water softener for your attitude.
Kensi (laughing): Oh, touché!

(Deeks is handcuffing the suspect.)
Deeks: I gotta be honest, I'm not happy with you, Alejandro. I think I pulled a hamstring, I definitely stained my jeans, and what? Over a few simple questions?
Kensi: Were you driving Perez's truck? Who was in the front seat?
Deeks: You know what? Why don't we start off with an easy one, huh? So my toilet's running. Yeah? Even after I exchanged that little flapper thing at the bottom of the tank. So what the heck am I supposed to do now?

(Kensi and Deeks are walking through a drug tunnel between the US and Mexico.)
Kensi: Got a ladder.
Deeks: Ah! Bienvenidos a México.
Kensi: Uh huh! Who’s going up?
Deeks: We should probably rock-paper-scissors for it, West coast rules?
Kensi: Let’s do it.
Deeks: On three. One, two, three!
(Kensi chooses scissors and Deeks chooses rock.)
Kensi: Rock beats scissors. You’re going up.
Deeks: Wha, what, what? No, no, the winner stays, the loser goes.
Kensi: Who came up with that rule?
Deeks: I think it’s pretty obvious ‘cause the winner lives and the loser faces certain death.
Kensi: Fine, I go up. You’re such a gentleman!
Deeks: No! All right, I got it, I got it! (Deeks stops Kensi while she’s going up.)
Kensi: Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Deeks (while climbing up the ladder.): This is why you should never fall in love!
Kensi: Aww! Don’t worry, they probably fled when they heard the gunshots.
Deeks: Or maybe they’re waiting right there with a bunch of AKs pointing at my head.

Forest for the Trees [6.15][edit]

Expiration Date [6.16][edit]

Kensi: I think we're moving too fast.
Deeks: And it's awesome.
Kensi: We are around each other every day.
Deeks: Totally awesome.
Kensi: We see each other every night.
Deeks: Totally and completely awesome.
Kensi: Deeks, this isn't normal.
Deeks: We're not normal. Our fondest memories include Taliban bullet holes and Hetty Lange. You're no Bridget Jones and I am no....whatever the male equivalent to Bridget Jones is.

Deeks: Listen, you got any Gurkha wisdom for me? Because Kay-Kay's been fighting me ever since we woke up.
Thapa: Fighting since you woke up? Hold on. Last time I was here, you were still trying to figure out your feelings. How long since?
Deeks: Christmas.
Thapa: You've already moved in together?
Deeks: No. Well I mean, we spend pretty much every night together, and, obviously, every day together.
Thapa: Are you crazy?
Deeks: Maybe.
Thapa: Who moves that fast? Last time I was here, I advised you, be patient.
Deeks: You think we're moving too fast?
Thapa: Most new couples do. Spending every moment together, staging photos to display their happiness, introducing them to friends and family. It feels real before it becomes real.
Deeks: Wow. You know a lot about women.
Thapa: I'm a Gurkha, not a monk.

Hetty: The spy game has more in common with selling used cars than any of us would like to admit.

[In Sam's hospital room]
Sam: What's the situation?
Callen: It's bad.
Sam: When you say bad––
Callen: Very bad.
Sam: Getting shot is very bad. Your cooking is very bad. Granger after two drinks is very bad. I need you to be more specific, G.
Callen: You remember the time we fought Thapa?
Sam: Oh, angry Gurkha rates very, very bad on the Hanna scale of bad people, places and things.
Callen: We got six of them coming our way.

Savoir Faire [6.17][edit]

Callen: We both love beer. Can we agree that we both love beer?
Sam: We can agree that if you offer me a beer, I'll drink it. But, I'm more of a champagne guy.
Callen: Champagne over beer?
Sam: Dom Perignon Rose? Best bubbles in the world, baby.
Callen: What about basketball?
Sam: You know I'm more of a football man.
Callen: Pancakes.
Sam: Waffles.
Callen: JFK.
Sam: The movie or the airport?

Deeks: [In the boathouse, watching Callen interview a suspect] Wow, well played, Callen. Well played. You got 'im wrapped around your pinky. Not that it isn't something I haven't done a thousand times. Except for, of course, I did it in a courtroom with a ton of people. The judge [Holds up his hands as if he's staring through the scope on rifle] staring me down. The jury, sizing me up, sayin' what you got, public defender? What. You. Got?
Eric: [On the monitor] Uh... Deeks?
Deeks: Huh?
Eric: You, you know that I can hear you... right?
Deeks: Yeah. No, no. Yeah, I know- definitely know that you can- I mean I knew that you were there... if that's what you're asking.
Nell: [Moves on screen] Good, because I'm here, too.
Deeks: Oh. Nell. [laughing self-consciously] Hi.
Nell: 'S up?
Granger: [Moves on screen] Detective.
Deeks: Oohph. Granger. Of course, Granger is there. It's like the whole Opsapalooze. What's going on, guys? What can I do you for?
Granger: Question. Do you crumble graham crackers into your S'mores-cakes?

Fighting Shadows [6.18][edit]

Deeks: So? ... Joelle’s good?
Callen: She’s good. (pause) She’s great
Deeks: Great. Great. great, great.
Callen: How’s Kensi?
Deeks: Uh? Kensi? She ... you know, she’s good. I don't know why you’re asking me, I mean you work with her, you know she’s ... she’s good right? Because, I don’t know ... why would I ...?
Callen: (chuckles)
Deeks: What? (pause) You know, don’t you?
Callen: Of course I know.
Deeks: Who else knows?
Callen: Well, let’s see. Sam, Nell, Hetty, of course, Eric, took a little while but he finally got there, the guys at the motor pool... Pretty much everyone at this point.
Deeks: What about Granger?
Callen: Granger I’m not so sure about. He’s definitely mellowed since his poisoning but he could just be buying his time, waiting for the right moment to crush you both.
Deeks: Wow, that is ... awesome.
Callen: Uh huh! Don’t pretend like you didn’t know the risks.
Deeks: I’m just wondering if this partner shuffle has something to do with us.
Callen: That is a question only Hetty can answer.

Sam: Am I ok with my co-workers dating? No. Does that mean I want you off the team? Hell, no! And that goes for Deeks too.
Kensi: Oh?!
Sam: Don’t tell him I said that!
Kensi: I will not.
Sam: Just, you know, eventually you guys are gonna have to figure out where this thing is going, if you wanna continue putting your lives on the line.
Kensi: Meaning what?
Sam: Meaning that, when Michelle and I had Kam, that was a whole ‘nother mission.
Kensi: Kids? Yeah, no. No, no, no, no, no! We’re not, we’re not ... we’re not thinking about kids, we’re not even thinking about dinner!
Sam: That’s fine. But things don’t always go as they’re planned. Things happen. Kids happen. That’s what happened with Aiden, he kinda popped up out of the blue. I thought I was ready for anything, active duty, whatever, but ... not for that. I wasn’t a perfect Dad either. I made a lot of mistakes those first years.
Kensi: I think Aiden was a lucky kid.
Sam: I was the lucky one. Still am.

Naveed: You’re a detective?
Deeks: Yeah.
Naveed: You don’t look like they do on tv.
Deeks: What do they look like on tv?
Naveed: Like suits, you know, professional?
Deeks: Yeah, well I learned a long time ago that wearing a suit doesn’t make you professional.

Blaze of Glory [6.19][edit]

Rage [6.20][edit]

Beacon [6.21][edit]

Field of Fire [6.22][edit]

Sam: Lots of people are in love with the idea of having kids, but most have no idea what they're getting into.
Callen: Did you and Michelle?
Sam: I mean, we thought we did. Read books, we took classes
Callen: That help?
Sam: Hell, no.

Deeks: Why'd you run?
Takahama: I like to keep in shape.
Deeks: Every federal prison has a running track. I'm sure you'll utilize that.

Kolcheck, A. [6.23][edit]

Chernoff, K. [6.24][edit]

External links[edit]

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