NCIS: Los Angeles (season 5)

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NCIS: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17) | Los Angeles: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7) | New Orleans: Seasons 1 2 3 4 5 6 7

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Ascension [5.1]

Michelle: Isaak! You sent Barbies after me? I hate Barbies. I used to pull their heads off when I was a kid.

Sidorov: How did you find me?

Michelle: A Barbie told me. Right before I pulled her head off.

Impact [5.2]

Deeks: You got me a Cronut?

Kensi: Um, I did, but that was a while ago, and I left it at your doorstep, so that's old, don't eat it.

Deeks: N-N-N-No, d-don't throw it away. It's the thought that counts, I'm gonna frame this thing.

Kensi: You're so weird.

Deeks: I mean, look at that. It's like America and France made slow, sweet love and then had a pastry baby.

Kensi: What happens next?

Deeks: It's a love story.

Omni [5.3]

Hetty: Oh, uh, I need to inform you all that because of an executive order, Omni's shares of Norris BioTech are now the property of the U.S. And Dr. Leonard will be the acting president of the company. That's it.

Deeks: Good for him. See? I told you. He's, uh, socially awkward and annoying because he's a super genius.

Kensi: Great. What's your excuse?

---

Deeks: Whoa, wow, did that just happen? Did you just make a torture joke?

Kensi: I'm sorry. Was that too soon?

Deeks: No, no, that actually may be too late.

Kensi: What? Oh, come on. You haven't been here. It's been building up!

Deeks: All right, you know what, fire away.

Kensi: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Deeks: Get it out of your system. Let's hear it.

Kensi: [chuckles] Do your new teeth have satellite radio or just terrestrial? Think a surfboard company would make a leash for your gun? Would have screamed louder had they cut your bangs? [puts hands up in the air in celebration]

Deeks: Wow

Kensi: It feels good! I missed you.

Deeks: Sorry....what?

Kensi: You know what I mean

Deeks: I do

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Deeks: You know, the goal here was to look like a Hollywood hipster. Ensemble you got going, it's like Gap threw up some Hot Topic. Definitely not hip.

Kensi: Yeah, well, it takes a special kind of guy to wear jeans that skinny.

Deeks: They're tight. I mean, they're real tight. They're tight because I need my space. You know what I mean? Tight in all the right places.

Kensi: And yet you still found room to hide your gun.

Sam: They're like Archie and Edith.

Callen: It's more like Archie and Meathead.

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Sam: I thought that party was VIPs only.

Deeks: Yeah, no... I... not-not that I'd been, but if I had been, which I'm not saying that I have, it's only because the security guards are very pro-LAPD.

Kensi: Which probably means he used his badge to get in.

Deeks: Of course I wouldn't do that. That's against, uh, LAPD regulations.

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Sam: You good?

Deeks: Yeah! I’m good! (Sam, Callen and Kensi all stare at him.) God, you guys, I’m fine, all right? You can stop walking around me on eggshells. I understand it’s my first day back and you’re worried about me but I’m … I’m good. You know what? I’m … I’m better than good. I haven’t wept the bed in over a week and the voices in my head have all been going away. (Deeks starts talking to himself.) Shut up! No, you shut up! I’m fine!

Sam: Seems good to me.

Deeks: Thank you.

---

Sam: I’m 6’3, 225.

Callen: That is big!

Sam: It’s not big! You know, it’s above average, I’ll give you that. But I’m not like some oversized behemoth. I’ve got good proportions, see.

Callen: What is this all about?

Sam: The other night my family was watching Project Runway and all of a sudden it became funny time in the Hanna household. So they were talking about how I need a makeover.

Callen: Ah, ah, ah!

Sam: Don’t start! When I find something that works I stick with it.

Callen: I hear you! Our lives are dangerous enough without taking any fashion risks.

Sam: I tried to mix it up. I went over to Robertson to pick up some jeans over the weekend.

Callen: You bought clothes on Robertson?

Sam: No! You know why? Because they don’t carry clothes for "men my size". That’s what the guy said to me.

Callen: Wow! And he’s still alive?

Sam: When did grown men start wearing skinny jeans? Huh? Could you picture me in a pair of skinny jeans? I couldn’t fit my arm in a pair of skinny jeans.

Callen: You wore huskies as a kid, didn’t you?

Sam: Why do I talk to you?

Callen: Because even a man your size needs a friend.

---

(Sam is putting handcuffs on a suspect.)

Suspect: Someone get this giant off my back!!

Callen: He's not a giant. He's just husky!

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(The team is walking away while Deeks starts talking to himself.)

Deeks: Yo, Deeks, that was crazy man! You just … saved that woman’s life and fell down a 90-foot cliff! What? Don’t worry about it. That’s just the job, man. It’s what I do. Break hearts and save lives! Huh? Just knowing you guys care, that’s enough. Right? Argh! Uh, what does it mean when you’ve got shooting pains going down your back and you can’t feel your legs?

Reznikov, N [5.4]

Deeks: Why'd you wait with the bodies? You could have been long gone by the time we got there.

Kolcheck: Because I wanted you to know what happened, what Callen was going to do.

Kensi: Why?

Kolcheck: Because Callen is a friend of mine and I don't want him to die today.

Unwritten Rule [5.5]

Jason: (To Deeks) Are you trying to annoy me?

Kensi: He doesn't have to try, he's naturally annoying.

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Nell: Uh, sorry that took so long. I was stuck behind an old man on a scooter for the past six blocks.

Callen: I'm sure he appreciated your patience.

Nell: Well, he flipped me off before I finally passed him.

Callen: He was probably just waving.

Nell: He called me a ginger bitch.

Callen: Yeah, I got nothing for that.

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Deeks: Hetty, hi. Can, I, uh... ask you a question?

Hetty: No.

Deeks: No, as in, I can't ask you a question?

Hetty: No. Upstairs, there's a case.

Deeks: You're not even curious of what the question is?

Hetty: No. (walks away)

Deeks: Okay. I cherish these conversations. Feels like we're really bonding as a couple.

Big Brother [5.6]

Callen: Think the neighbors had any idea they were living next to a drug cartel?

Sam: Like your neighbors have any idea who they're living next to.

Callen: Of course they do, a handsome bachelor.

Sam: A quiet man who keeps to himself? Classic description of a serial killer.

Kensi: I wouldn't mind tailing Agent Ambrose

Deeks: He's cagier than a loaded weasel....What? They can be pretty cagey!

Kensi: I never leave my weasel loaded

Deeks: I bet you don't

Sam: Do I need to separate you two?

The Livelong Day [5.7]

Sam: Hey, Kensi.

Kensi: Yeah.

Sam: What happens when Mercury is in retrograde?

Kensi: Deeks gets retro-annoying.

Deeks: Wow.

Kensi: Oh, come on. Problems happen all the time, and three times a year, we have to blame it on Mercury? Ridiculous.

Sam: Sounds like an urban myth.

Callen: It's more like a superstition.

Deeks: Don't do it, don't taunt Mercury.

Callen: Or what, the guy in the chariot's gonna stop pulling the sun around the Earth.

Fallout [5.8]

Granger: (about the off-the-book operation) Do you have any idea what you've done?

Callen: Retrieved our technology?

Sam: Made the world a better place?

Deeks:: And looked good while doing it.

---

Deeks: Okay, honestly, who still uses a pay phone? I'd rather kiss the Outbreak monkey than use a pay phone.

Kensi: How are you a germaphobe? I've seen your apartment.

Deeks: Okay, I'm fine with my own germs, and you, of all people, should not be giving housekeeping notes. I've seen cleaner litter boxes.

Kensi: Oh, meow.

Recovery [5.9]

Kensi: Damn it, Deeks, you asked me out on a date without actually asking me out on a date. Now, if this keeps going this way and we can't communicate, and we've been over this, you never say what you mean, a-and if this is the way it's gonna be, then I don't know how we're ever gonna--

Deeks: I don't want to be here with you right now.

Kensi: What?!

Deeks: I want to be at my place, right now... with you.

The Frozen Lake [5.10]

Deeks: I'm honestly just trying to make this work.

Kensi: It's not going to work. I'm standing on my frozen lake.

Deeks: [Gives Kensi a confused look] I'm sorry, I don't know what that is

Kensi: Your frozen lake is the name for what you want the most in the world and you want it, you want it so bad that you'll do anything to get it. And your heart takes over. But because of that, it destroys you in the end. It's right there, just sitting in the middle of this frozen lake, and you think you're fast enough to go out and grab it before the ice cracks...

Deeks: And what you don't realize is you're already standing on the ice and it's falling apart around you.

Kensi: Yeah.

---

Kensi: We're gonna figure this out. All we gotta do is talk about it.

Deeks: Okay but you don't, you don't really like talking about it.

Kensi: Yeah but I promise I'll be better at talking about this.

Deeks: What do you, what do you mean for this?

Kensi: This...you know

Deeks: This thing?

Kensi: Yes...Our...Thing

Deeks: I'm sorry I just, I didn't hear you. There were so many people walking by if you could just maybe say it louder, just once just say it!

Kensi: I hate you.

Deeks: You don't. You don't. You don't hate me!

Kensi: Our thing.

Iron Curtain Rising [5.11]

Kensi: Well, I feel like they resent me being here.

Granger: Why would they? And even if they do, so what?

Kensi: Well, some of us don't relish being disliked.

Granger: Let's focus on the mission, Miss Congeniality.

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Sam: You know you have a house now. You can sleep there. That's what normal people do.

Callen: I sleep there. I do.

Sam: You're like a cat that keeps going back to its old place, even though the owners moved.

Callen: What do you want me to say? I'm a creature of habit.

Sam: Yeah, you're a creature, all right. Of bad habits.

Merry Evasion [5.12]

Hetty: How are you doing?

Kensi: Fine.

Hetty: Bone china is fine. You are not bone china.

Kensi: I'm doing very well.

Hetty: Uh-huh. What's your assessment of the task force?

Kensi: They're okay.

Hetty: I think the mountain air must have limited your vocabulary.

---

Hetty: And you two can go interview the senator.

Deeks: The two of... You mean the two of me?

Hetty: I want you and Nell to see the senator, find out if he knows anything about these Chinese PLA threats.

Deeks: Me and... Nellosaurus?

Hetty: Yes, I move fast, Mr. Deeks. Gotta keep up.

Nell: Let's go, Shaggy.

Deeks: Well played. I'm with you, Velma.

Windfall [5.20]

(Kensi is coming back to work after her mission in Afghanistan.)

Callen: How are you?

Kensi: Good.

Sam: Yeah?

Kensi: Really good.

Deeks: You look good. I mean that you seem good by the way that you look.

Kensi: It's because I am good.

Callen: Good.

Deeks: Good.

Sam: Good!!

(Eric comes down the stairs.)

Eric (whistles): Kensi! Lookin’ good!

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(Kensi is stuck in OPS.)

Kensi: What would you like me to do.

Eric: I don’t know, really.

Kensi: Well Hetty said I was supposed to be helping so, there’s gotta be something for me to do

Eric: Uh, well, I’ve got a pretty big knot in my shoulder right now. I’m just kidding! Of course I’d never ask you to do anything like that. (whispering) Even though it would be helping.

Kensi: Oh really? So Nell would be massaging you right now?

Eric: Um no. Because she’d be busy actually doing something.

Kensi: What would she be doing, Eric?

Eric: Remotely accessing Davis’ computer, mirroring the hard drive and initiating an SSH P3 protocol for a complete sweep.

Kensi (rolls her eyes): Which shoulder?

Eric: Righty.

---

Deeks: Hey.

Kensi: Hi.

Deeks: We haven't had a lot of time to chat since you've been back.

Kensi: I know. It's gonna change.

Deeks: You mean ... it's gonna change? Does that mean that? Wait a minute, are you back?

Kensi: Sure looks like it.

Deeks: That's good news. I was getting a little worried, because, uh, I'm pretty sure Nell was falling in love with me.

(Kensi punches Deeks in the shoulder.)

Deeks: Aah! God! (smiling) And there she is.

Kensi: Here I am. It's good to be back.

One More Chance [5.22]

[Kensi hug Deeks and give him a kiss]

Deeks: Oh, hi, wow. What're.. what? What are we doing here? What's that?

Kensi: I'm giving her a reason to look over here, and it's either that or I throw my coffee on you!

Deeks: Well thank you so much for not scalding me in the face instead of giving me kisses!

Deeks: I just realised that you're the yin in my yang. So to spoke.

Kensi: Explain to me how you have this capability of making everything sound so wrong.

Deeks: It's a gift, isn't it? I'm just saying, like you're the right of my wrong, I'm like the good to your evil.

Kensi: The beast to my beauty?

Deeks: That's hurtful.

Exposure [5.23]

[Sam and Callen are walking through a second hand dealership and looking at the cars on show.]

Sam: Look at this. It should be illegal to mistreat cars this way. Salvaged or not.

Callen: Yup. It's bad car-ma.

Sam: [grimaces] That's as bad as these cars look.

---

Callen: Where's Dana Steele, Eric?

Eric: You're close. According to the tracker, she's right inside the Grand Central Market.

Sam: Yeah? Well, we're looking right inside the Grand Central Market-- it's like trying to find Waldo.

Callen: Who's Waldo?

Sam: Where's Waldo?, the kids book. [Callen looks at him blankly] He's like a goofy kid with a red and white striped shirt. [in disbelief] You don't know Waldo??

Callen: Sounds very patriotic. Look, this story is a big break for Dana. She may be able to parlay this into an anchor desk.

Sam: Yeah, thanks to a terrorist attack on American soil.

Callen: Every journalist owes tribute to the evil one.

Sam: What's that, one of Hetty's quotes?

Callen: Jean de La Fontaine. 17th century French poet.

Sam: [chuckles] You know 17th century French poets, but you don't know Waldo?

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Granger: They're quite a team, Henrietta.

Hetty: They're my '27 Yankees.

Granger: Doesn't get any easier, does it? Sending them out each time, never knowing if they'll come back.

Hetty: They always come back, Owen. Until one day they don't.

Deep Trouble (part 1) [5.24]

Deeks: I've never noticed that she's not, not attractive.

Kensi: She's beautiful!

Deeks: You're beautiful!

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