NCIS: Los Angeles

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Navy NCIS: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16) | Season 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 / Main | New Orleans: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5)

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NCIS: Los Angeles is an American police procedural television series, which premiered on CBS on September 22, 2009. The series aired in the 9:00 p.m. timeslot following NCIS which airs at 8pm on Tuesdays for Seasons One-Five then the show moved to Mondays at 10e/9c for seasons 6 and 7 then moved to Sundays at 8pm for Season 8 NCIS LA now airs at Sundays at 9e/8c. On January 14, 2010 the show was renewed for a second season. The show is currently going into its tenth season.

Pilot: Legend

Part 1

Vance: (Over the MTAC feed) You tell Gibbs to call me when he arrives.

Macy: You can tell him yourself.

(Gibbs enters)

Vance: Gibbs.

Gibbs: Hello, Director Vance.

Vance: I know how excited you two are about working together. I told Sec Nav I have my best people on this case. A lot of nervous people at the Pentagon. Don't make me come out there.

---

Nate: (referring to Gibbs) You should have slept with him way back then. Whenever then was. I was probably in Elementary School, yeah?

Macy: How do you know I didn't?

Nate: I can tell you right now...

Macy: Don't answer that!

Nate: Okay. Cool.

Macy: You scare me.

Nate: Yep.

Macy: Leave.

---

Callen: Is there a reason we're not meeting in a bar right now?

Gibbs: Well, yeah. It's 10 o'clock in the morning.

Callen: I don't know what's worse: getting older or getting wiser.

---

Macy: Why do you want to know?

Callen: Just looking out for my family

Macy: G, you don't have any family.

Callen: That's cold, Mace!

Macy: But true.

Callen: Gibbs is family... you, too.

---

Callen: I'll just ask Gibbs about what happened.

Macy: Yeah, let me know if you do... I want to be there to see him sit you on your ass.

---

McGee: (after Sam sends Abby a photo using a giant touch screen) Oh, I really gotta get one of these.

Sam: ...You got problems.

---

Nate: It's called a legend. It's a word coined by the Stasi, the East German Secret Police, during the Cold War. Now, their idea was to create a cover so deep it could stand up to any scrutiny: passports, documents, work papers, even family histories, and none of it true. All a... a legend.

Part 2

Macy: As I'm sure you're aware, foreign intelligence agencies are not authorized to act within US territorial borders. I would hate for your actions to cause an incident by staying here any longer, Rivkin.

Rivkin: We each have our job to do.

Macy: Yours is done. Go home.

---

Nate: You worked a case together?

Macy: You could say that. It was a JAG-MAN investigation. A murder. I was the lead investigator.

Nate: And Gibbs?

Macy: Gibbs was the suspect.

---

Eric: Every phone call, credit card transaction, internet search, all swallowed up and stored on hard drives so people can troll them for personal information.

McGee: You mean like we're doing now?

Eric: Yeah, that's okay 'cause we work for the government. Got a National Security letter to prove it!

---

Gibbs: Whose boat is this?

Renko: I have no idea.

Gibbs: Hey! Sand with the grain, Renko!

Renko: You've done this before?

Gibbs: [chuckles] Yeah.

---

Sam: You think she's involved?

Callen: They were sleeping together. She's involved, whether she knows it or not.

Sam: Yeah...

Seasons

• Season 1
• Season 2
• Season 3
• Season 4
• Season 5
• Season 6
• Season 7
• Season 8
• Season 9
• Season 10
• Season 11
• Season 12
• Season 13
• Season 14
• Season 15
• Season 16
• Season 17

Season 2

Human Traffic [2.1]

Hetty: Second unrelated question, do you have plans for this weekend?

Nate: Plans?

Hetty: Plans.

Nate: Uh, are you asking me out? No, that'd be weird. No, no plans.

---

Eric: Gotta love that bureaucracy.

Nate: The bureaucracy we work for?

Eric: Like I said, love that bureaucracy.

---

Hetty: You need a place to live, Mr. Callen.

Callen: I'm staying at Sam's.

Hetty: [groans] Spare rooms and office couches. Flophouse floors are not conducive to a restful sleep. And I need you awake. Someone's gone missing.

Callen: Who?

Hetty: Deeks.

---

Hetty: Pack a bag, and your passport.

Nate: I'm sorry?

Hetty: You're needed.

Nate: Needed where?

Hetty: You'll find out when you get there. There's a C-117 leaving in 90 minutes. Transport's outside.

Nate: But I - uh.

Hetty: You did say you had no plans.

[Nate sighs]

Hetty: Go.

Nate: Going.

Black Widow [2.2]

Sam: You were a magician once.

Callen: Not magician, illusionist.

Sam: You bought a white rabbit, G.

Callen: It came with the hat.

Borderline [2.3]

Callen: I'm all for going green, reducing our footprints, but if Hetty has her way we're going to be reusing our bullets.

Sam: She just wants us to recover our brass, if possible.

Callen: Reusable water bottles, no more paper towels, no more paper cups, what's next to go?

Sam: Saving the planet, G.

Callen: Don't come whining to me when she replaces our toilet paper with used post its.

---

Deeks: I think theres something wrong with you hot water heater

Hetty: The showers are on a timer Mister Deeks you cleary went over the recommended amount of time.

Kensi: You might want to make an exception in his case Hetty

Deeks: I'll have you know I won the hygiene award in high school

Eric: What kind of school awards you for bathing?

Deeks: I don't know, a sparkly clean one?

---

Deeks: How certain are you about your tracks?

Kensi: I'd bet your life on it.

Deeks: awesome...

---

Kensi: Ready to go for a little ride? (Deeks smirks) On the bikes, Deeks, on the bikes.

Deeks: I didn't say anything.

---

Callen: We did realize he'd just gotten back from....

Hetty: Oh yes. His mission.

Sam: Which was where exactly?

Hetty: The peoples republic of... none of your damn business.

Callen: Is that where he learned to shoot?

Hetty: No I gave him a few pointers.

Sam: Apparently the peoples republic of none of your damn business can be a dangerous place.

---

[Sam is opening a box]

Hetty: What are you doing?

Sam: I need to activate a former alias.

Hetty: Oh, no. NLV. NLV. "No longer viable. " Tyrell Ellis was compromised.

Sam: I know. I was Tyrell Ellis, remember?

Hetty: I also remember you were nearly killed before we got you out.

Sam: My cover was never blown. I spent 7 months undercover working Memo Torres when he was still a cartel underling. Now he's the man. That means he's the fastest route to find those missing Marines. And the only person who can get to Torres right now, is in this box.

Hetty: The man in this box has a price on his head. Why don't you just arrest Torres?

Sam: We don't have anything on him. We yank him in off the streets and we blow any chance of ever going back under in his organization. Plus, Memo hates cops of any kind. He'll be lawyered up as soon as we bring him in and we may never find those missing Marines, Hetty.

Hetty: [Callen walks in] Oh, Mr. Callen, could you please talk some sense to your partner?

Callen: What, like that's ever worked? Admittedly, putting Sam on the streets as Tyrell Ellis is not without risks. Memo Torres is behind this. Reactivating Tyrell Ellis is the only way to find him.

Sam: It's our only bet, Hetty, and you know it.

Hetty: I don't like it.

---

Callen: What's the safe word?

Sam: Headlock.

Callen: Really? Use headlock in a sentence.

Sam: I wasn't planning on using it.

---

Hetty: (To Nate as he leaves) Keep your wits sharp, your heart open and your gun loaded.

Special Delivery [2.4]

Kensi: Nell's been here less than a week, and has already taken over whistle duties. Eric is not a happy camper.

Sam: Ah, he shouldn't worry. It won't be long before she's folding her tent like all the others.

Deeks: Because?

Callen: Many mysteries of Hetty. For some reason intelligence analysts just seem to rub her the wrong way.

Eric: [Clears throat] I wouldn't exactly call it a problem. More of a situation - may be a problem.

Nell: Because I'm new?

Eric: No. Because you...

Nell: Finish you sentences.

Eric': Yeah.

Nell: Has to do with being a type "A" with borderline ADD. And control issues with men I admire. [Clears throat] It's something I'm aware of and working on and hope to have some measure of control over.

Eric: You admire me?

Little Angels [2.5]

Jason: I don't know these guys. Navy born and bred. I trust NCIS. Is there any way you can stay on this?

Callen: It's no longer our jurisdiction.

Jason: I lost my wife. I can't lose my child. Please.

Callen: I understand, but there's nothing we can...

Sam: We'll see what we can do.

---

Vanessa: He might be a lof of things, but Andre couldn't do something like that to a young girl.

Kensi: I agree. I don't think he did it. But I don't think he was home last night either. And I bet you'd like to know where he was. Was your husband home last night.

Vanessa: [Long pause. Then Kensi starts to leave] Wait, I didn't give you my answer.

Kensi: Yeah, you did.

---

Sam: Trained in wilderness survival, G. I know what poison oak looks like.

[Callen shakes his head]

Sam: It's on my butt, isn't it?

Hetty: Yes it is, Mr. Hanna. And there's nothing like a good *thick* slathering of calomine. Remove your pants.

[Hetty puts on rubber gloves]

Hetty: I won't look. I had to do this for Ollie North in Nicaragua - twice. The man really was an ass.

[Hetty turns around. G and Sam are gone]

Hetty: Mr Hanna. Mr. Callen. Gentlemen?

Standoff [2.6]

Deeks: Hence the ten-year rule.

Kensi: Mhm?

Deeks: You should always know your partner at least ten years prior to marrying them. You date me for a decade, you deserve my hand in marriage.

Kensi: That sounds so much more like a punishment than a reward.

---

Kensi: Dead guy Deeks

Deeks: Now you see that wasn't funny

Kensi: Not you idiot, dead guy

Deeks: Oh yeah, dead guy... well dressed dead guy.

---

Eric: Well, this is weird. According to the military database, there's no Tracy Keller listed as next of kin.

Callen: That's because the name's an alias.

Kensi: An alias for who?

Callen: My ex-wife.

---

Callen: She retired, last I heard. That was 5 years ago.

Hetty:: [Entering] Undercover agents don't retire. They just go deeper.

Deeks: [Quietly to Kensi] You guys ever consider putting a bell around her neck?

Hetty: Many people have tried, Mr. Deeks.

---

Callen: What'd you say to him?

Deeks: Ah, there's this little rule about not dating the captain's daughter.

Callen: He broke it?

Deeks: All over the captain's desk.

Anonymous [2.7]

Callen: Kensi, don't let him crowd you. Watch his shoulders. He's telegraphing.

Sam: Thought you were on my side.

Callen: I don't take sides.

Sam: Then stop coaching. Okay

Callen: Circle to his outside.

Sam: I thought we were partners.

Callen: We are, but I'm having second thoughts. It's a tie. Again. Way to go, Kens.

Kensi: Thank you.

Sam: Tough girl. I went easy on her.

Callen: Uh-huh.

Kensi: Oh, please.

Callen: What's up, Deeks?

Deeks: Got a shooting at the Federal Building. What are you kids doing in here?

Kensi: Training.

Deeks: For what, Pirate Fest?

Callen: Well, you're welcome to challenge Captain Blye anytime you want. She just bested Sam ten to three.

Deeks: Really? Did you go easy on her?

Sam: No.

Deeks: Really?

Sam: No.

Deeks: Kensi with a knife? [Kensi shocks Deeks] Ow. Oh, my Aah. Okay, I'm coming. That really hurt.

Bounty [2.8]

Hetty: I sense impending mayhem...and perhaps an outrageous petty cash request.

Callen: One question.

Sam: Do you trust us?

---

Callen: What would you do with $25 million in reward money?

Sam: You mean if I wasn't a government employee and I could legally accept it?... Ah... probably buy a first class ticket to somewhere real quiet. Really quiet. Someplace you don't take a partner. You?

Callen: I would hire the best private investigator money could buy. And have him track down my partner. Then when I found him...

Sam: You'd follow me?

Callen: Send him Hetty, in an overnight package - with a big bell.

Sam: [chuckles] I wouldn't sign for her.

---

Callen: That's nine.

Sam: Nine what?

Callen: Nine times we've done the... corrupt agent... betrays his partner routine.

Sam: Didn't know you were keeping count.

Callen: You'd keep track too if you were the one getting a knee to the solar plexus.

---

Kensi: You don't trust me. I'd say that's a pretty big deal, wouldn't you?

Deeks: I just have a thing about my gun!

Kensi: At this point in our relationship, after all the stuff that we've done...

Deeks: [frowns] Escusss-sss...

Kensi: Wha-what?

Deeks: I'm sorry... Did you just say relationship?

Kensi: No. I said partnership. Okay? [pauses] You're very annoying!

Absolution [2.9]

Guns are drawn

French Intelligence Operative: Federal agents! Don't move!

Deeks: LAPD!

French Intelligence Operative: NSA!

Kensi: NCIS!

Deeks: M O U S E!

Everyone flashes badges and then puts their guns away

French Intelligence Operative: What are you doing here?

Kensi: This is our case.

French Intelligence Operative: Sebastian Renner was a foreign national with information considered a threat to the United States of America.

Kensi: Still our case.

French Intelligence Operative: We don't have to be adversaries, after all we are on the same side. Perhaps we can work together. Have you found anything that might be....[Gets kicked in the gonads by Kensi]

Deeks: WHOA!!!!!! [Kensi then puts her knee into the guys face knocking him unconscious and Deeks fights with the guy's partner and wins by body slaming him into a table leaving the partner unconscious. ] What are you doing? You heard the guy! We're on the same side!!

Kensi: I'm pretty sure they're not NSA.

Deeks: Pretty sure? Because you teed off on him like you were kicking a field goal!

Kensi: Deeks! I've got a hunch they're foreign operatives, ok?

Deeks: A hunch! You don't kick a guy in his junk on a hunch. Geez! Sometimes I don't even know you! Who does that?

---

Callen: "Did you take anything new away from Renner's?

Kensi: "Yes-- these two guys. These jokers waltzed in while we were there, tried to pass themselves off as NSA agents, but they're DGSE-- French Intelligence Agency."

Sam: "How'd you know they were bogus?"

Kensi: [shrugging] "Their accents."

Deeks: "They didn't have accents."

Kensi: Do you know the difference between French open syllabic organization and English trochaic speech patterning, Deeks?"

Deeks: [awkwardly] "That old chestnut?"

---

Later, in the boat shed

Sam: Where are they now?

Deeks: Had my LAPD buddies lock 'em up downtown for a few hours. You know, give 'em a taste of the real LA that's not in the star tours.

Callen: They probably have diplomatic immunity.

Deeks: That's exactly why we put them in county. I mean they're going to be lucky if they get to make a phone call by Christmas!

Sam: Hm.

Deeks: Just, uh... don't let Kensi interrogate them.

Callen: Why is that?

Deeks: Well, 'cause the guy on the right, she kicked him right in the nom de plumes.

Sam: No!!!!!

Deeks: Guy didn't even have his weapon out!

Callen: Really?

Kensi: I...

Deeks: Uh huh. Right in the cul-de-sac. Kicked him so hard it gave me a stomachache!

Kensi: So what? It would have been better if I had pistol whipped him across the face?

Deeks, Callen and Sam: [simultaneously] Yes!

Deliverance [2.10]

Hetty: Mattias.

Mattias: This is getting to be a habit.

Hetty: I told my director, that he might someday regret having passed you to the C.I.A.

Mattias: And one day later?

Hetty: The regret is all mine.

Mattias: And now you're asking yourself, why would the CIA free me? Especially after I tried to kill you.

Hetty: Obvious answer. You're working for them. You get your freedom. What do they get?

Mattias: The book.

Hetty: Ah. You said you didn't think it even existed.

Mattias: Doesn't matter what I think. The CIA believes it exists. And by your presence here, so do you. Although I do find it odd. This office has already been thoroughly searched.

Hetty: Then why are you here, Mattias?

Mattias: Because the easiest way to find the book...

Hetty: Is to follow me. You're aware there are other players?

Mattias: Isn't it in all our best interests that the Russians don't get the book?

Hetty: The Russians. (sighs) Then I can trust you to leave my agent inside alone.

Mattias: She'll find nothing. And you know it. It's a shell game. You want us looking here so we're not looking somewhere else.

Hetty: I could shoot you right now, Mattias. But you're not even worth the paperwork. (keyless entry remote chirps)

---

Callen: Anybody see anything?

Eric: Wait a second. I've got one of the guys who killed the cop. He's at the bus stop across the street.

Sam: Three more guys in a Jaguar pulling up behind you, G. [realizes] This is a stakeout.

Deeks: A stakeout for what?

Callen: Us. Cole must have told them about Renner's safe deposit box before they killed him. Without the key, they're stuck.

Kensi: They're waiting for us to get the book. Then they're going to try and take it.

Sam: They got to ID us first.

Callen: [answers his cellphone] Yeah?

Blond Russian #1: Do not move, Agent Callen.

Callen: [looks down and spots a red dot on his chest] Sam, I think they already have.

---

Deeks: Want to get some ice cream?

Kensi: Deeks! Look out!

Blond Russian #1: Give us the book.

Kensi: We don't have it.

Blond Russian #1: Purse.

[Kensi hands over her purse Henchman shakes purse revealing no book]

Kensi: Told you.

Blond Russian #1: Then get in the car!

Deeks Uh-uh. She's not going anywhere

Blond Russian #1: Then four of us die, and one of us lives.

Deeks: He's got a point. All right. Take me.

Kensi: Deeks.

Deeks: She's just a cop, you know? She's not even an agent. To tell you the truth, no one even really likes her that much, you know? Too pretty for her own good - kind of a snob.

Blond Russian #1: Get in the car!

Deeks: Kensi! Don't move.

Kensi: Nice try Deeks.

Deeks: Kensi!

Kensi: It's ok. You'll get me back.

Blond Russian #1: Tell your superior her life for the book.

Deeks: Oh, yeah? How do you know I'm not the superior? I could be. Kensi?

[Henchman shoots out front tire of Kensi's Cadillac SRX]

Deeks: Damn it! Eric, I got a license plate for you. It's Nine-Queen-John-Item, Nine-Zero-Five. [Sam and Callen arrive to Deeks] They got Kensi.

Disorder [2.11]

Callen: Dare I ask what we did to deserve this, Hetty?

Hetty: Rest assured, Mr. Callen, I never give gifts unless they perfectly suit the recipients.

Callen: And perfection struck four times today?

Hetty: ...Happy Holidays everyone!

---

Kensi: Hetty's never given us anything for Christmas before. Why this year?

Callen: Exactly.

Deeks: Because she knows I like surprises.

Sam: You guys ever feel like we're stuck babysitting some kid whose parents won't come to get him - ever.

---

Sam: No, no, no, no, that's a nice spice rack.

Deeks: I know.

Sam: I bought it myself. I bought it for Hetty Christmas 2008!

Callen: Scented candle? Smells like sage.

Kensi: Jasmine...I gave that to Hetty two years ago.

Callen: Same scent?

Kensi: Same candle.

---

Sam: I don't run around... giving gifts to just anyone. Takes a cold woman to do me like that.

Callen: And you took a lot of thought into that spice rack, and the sweater.

Sam: You still have those steak knives I gave you?

Callen: ...Yes.

Sam: Okay.

---

Kensi: What if we take him back to the crime scene to jog his memory?

Navy Commander Dr. Stanfill: I wouldn't recommend that. There's a strong chance that if he's re-exposed, it'll trigger a major panic episode.

Deeks: So we may *never* know what happened in the house last night?

Navy Commander Dr. Stanfill: This man has no family and no friends. The trauma he experienced while deployed has driven him into complete isolation. Frankly, forgetting what happened last night may be the best thing for him.

---

Kensi: (about her ex-fiance) He said life over there was like falling through the sky. Constant rush of adrenaline. Everything felt vivid and real...And coming home to me - coming home to me felt like hitting the ground. And I did - I did everything I could.

(Kensi starts sobbing)

Kensi: Oh my...I worked with a psychiatrist. I helped with his meds and I listened. I always listened - *always*. It was Christmas morning, I woke up and he was gone.

Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: Where he go?

(Kensi shakes her head)

Deeks: (from observation) She's - she's playing him. She's trying to get him to open up, right?

(Callen and Sam exchange looks)

---

Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: You know your ex was right. It's exactly like falling through the sky. And - and that's why what you're suggesting scares me. I already hit the ground when I came back from Afghanistan. What if it happens again?

Kensi: I will be right there to catch you.

---

Deeks: Were you ever tempted to go looking for him?

Kensi: Maybe I was hoping one day, he would come looking for me.

---

Sam: Kensi, I know what you're going through. I've been there.

Kensi: I watched Jack...slip away. Maybe I didn't try hard enough.

Sam: I don't believe that for one minute. I know what it's like to have someone I care about come back from deployment a different person.

Kensi: After all that Talbot's been through, I'm going to do everything in my power to help him!

Sam: Kensi, Talbot's not Jack.

---

Former Navy Lieutenant Lance Talbot: So what do we do now?

Kensi: We'll, uh, we do what most families do on Christmas Eve.

Deeks: Watch Uncle Bob get drunk and pee in a toaster?

---

Deeks: Turkey sandwiches for everyone?

'Kensi: Actually, tradition in my house was ice cream and beer.

Deeks: Really?

Kensi: Don't knock it til you've tried it.

Deeks: Oh, I've tried it. Although it was 7th grade and it didn't end pretty for anyone. Unless of course, you like Jackson Pollock.

---

Kensi: (Waking up after being knocked out) I had a dream. I was um, being visited by the Three Wise Men, and then I saw Deeks.

---

Deeks: Kensi. Kensi!

Kensi: I'm good to go!

Sam: I don't think you are. And it has nothing to do with the head wound.

Deeks: I'm driving.

Kensi: (tosses him the keys) Fine. Scratch my car, I'll Ben Gay your shorts.

---

Kensi: When he thought I was getting suspicious, he confessed to killing both of them, thinking his PTSD would cover him. I should have seen through it.

Callen: LAPD, the entire US Navy, his own psychologist didn't get it. What makes you so special?

Overwatch [2.12]

Deeks: The report says it's a home invasion gone bad.  Yousef Afzal was killed by blunt force trauma to the head, he was hit, he fell, and then died.

Kensi: And then half autopsied.

Sam: And then stolen.

Callen:  That's a bad day, even for a dead guy.

---

Callen: So why do you steal a dead body?

Kensi: Proof of death.

Sam: Satanic ritual.

Deeks: Cannibalism.

[Kensi, Callen and Sam look at him]

Deeks: I was just thinking outside the box.

Sam: You need to get back in the box.

---

Deeks: I'm going for cryogenic suspension.

Kensi: Ah.

Deeks: Mm-hmm. Frozen in a suspended state of animation and then thawed out when they have medical technology to bring me back.

Kensi: Can we keep you in the office? Ooo. With a little viewing window like an aquarium. That would be so cool.

Deeks: You mock me now. Twenty years from now when I come back, you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to marry your daughter.

Kensi and Deeks: Oh!

Deeks: That is awkward.

Kensi: That is creepy.

Archangel [2.13]

Frisbee: You're making a big mistake.

Callen: That's actually my line.

Frisbee: You prepared to shoot three FBI Agents in broad daylight?... [Starts to go for his ID] May I?

Callen: Left hand.

[Frisbee realizes he doesn't have his wallet. Callen pulls out Landon's ID]

Callen: You looking for this?

Deeks: Oh buddy that better be a real badge, or my partner will kick you in the FBI balls.

---

Duane: Is that what you call surveillance?

Deeks: Uh, we sure as hell surveilled your FBI asses.

Carla: You're interfering with a federal investigation.

Kensi: Uh, our investigation, actually.

Frisbee: We've been working this case for months.

Callen: It is clearly time for us to take over.

Kensi: You wouldn't have even known there was a leak if Naval Intelligence hadn't discovered it.

Carla: Isn't that an oxymoron?

Kensi: No. But there is a moron in all this - several, in fact.

Deeks: Oh, snap. What? Point: Kensi. FBI serves.

Frisbee: You've overstepped your jurisdiction. We're the senior agency here.

Callen: Good point. But... it's best to be sure about a thing like that. I'll get Hetty in on this. (speed-dials cell phone) Hetty, this is Callen. We got a situation.

Carla: Hetty? As in Henrietta Lange?

Kensi: You know her?

Frisbee: We've heard stories.

Duane: Sounds like a whole lot of urban legend if you ask me.

Deeks: Au contrare, mon frer. She's real. And you do not want that little chupacabra surveilling your asses.

Callen: [hands his phone to Frisbee] She wants to talk to you.

[Deeks chuckles]

Frisbee: This is Agent Frisbee.

Eric: (whispering) Landon Archibald Frisbee, born in Hackensack, New Jersey.

Hetty: Agent Landon Archibald Frisbee from Hackensack?

Frisbee: Yes

Nell: His wife's name's Darlene.

Hetty: How's your wife, Darlene?

Frisbee: She's fine.

Eric: (whispering) Lots of late-night phone calls to this woman... Uh, Heather Teasdale. She's a recent divorcée, works in the same federal building.

Hetty: How's Heather?

Frisbee: (clears throat) Heather?

Hetty: Teasdale. Oh, no. Oh, was that a secret? I'm so sorry. I think we can both agree, Agent Frisbee, that this is a matter of national security.

Frisbee: It's "Freeze-be."

Hetty: I would hate to have to call Bobby and complain to him about your reluctance to collaborate with us on such a serious matter.

Frisbee: Bobby?

Hetty: Your director!

Frisbee: (clears throat) I don't, um... Think that'll be necessary.

Hetty: Oh, I'm so glad to hear that. Have a wonderful day... Agent Frisbee.

Frisbee: It's Freeze... (Hetty hangs up) (phone beeps)

---

Hetty: Move it, Mr. Callen.

Callen: I've got more body mass to move than you.

Hetty: You've got a lot more excuses too.

---

Kensi: Can you shut down his server?

Eric: His server, his cell service, his electricity. You name it.

Deeks: Can you get me free cable?

[Everyone stares at Deeks]

Deeks: No, because that would be piracy.

---

Hetty: I just got off the phone with Director Vance. He's on his way to brief Sec Nav. Who in turn has an appointment with the President. You know what that means, don't you?

Callen: Heads are going to roll.

Hetty: Its the other end of one's anatomy that I'm worried about. The ass chewing gets worse on the way back down the ladder.

Callen: What does that mean? You're next?

Hetty: No. Because you're going to resolve this before that happens.

Callen: I will do my best to protect your ass... sets.

Lock Up [2.14]

Hetty: (to Sam) There will be a time and a place for what you want. And I promise you; you'll have it.

---

Deeks: [Kensi is eating her breakfast] You want to talk about it?

Kensi: No.

Deeks: We're - we're here to listen.

Kensi: No, I'm fine.

Sam: Let her eat her feelings in peace.

---

Nell: Hi Nate.

Nate: Hi Nell.

Eric: You two know each other?

Nate: We go back a few years.

---

Sam: You should've told me.

Hetty: That's precisely why I didn't.

Sam: Moe isn't trained for this. He shouldn't be in there alone.

Hetty: He isn't in there alone. You underestimate me, Mr. Hanna. One of our best people is in there with him. Uh, Eric, ISP number 579.72.351.462. Access camera 7.

Eric: Okay.

Nell: Where is this?

Eric: Oakville Federal Prison.

Hetty: I'm sure Nate is more than capable of this.

Tin Soldiers [2.15]

Sam: Besides you don't look like a cop.

Deeks: All this *gestures at his face* is so I can go under cover.

Sam: As what? Shaggy from Scooby-doo?

Kensi: He's right, you do kind of look like Shaggy!

---

Deeks: You ever think that we're gonna be that happy?

Kensi: Yeah...Just not together...

---

Deeks: Well why don't we act like partners to save our partners so you and i don't have to be partners.

---

Deeks: I didn't tell her because I didn't think it was gonna be a big deal.

Kensi: You went out with one of her girlfriends.

Deeks: For drinks, all right? And it was her friend's idea. And I - I was just being polite.

Kensi: So you wouldn't have slept with her friend if she offered?

Deeks: No... Okay, maybe. But just to be polite. You know, because I'm a hopeless romantic.

Kensi: To me, you're just hopeless.

---

Hetty: You see what happens when you pull away from your team.

Callen: My team? I didn't hire Deeks, or any of them for that matter.

Hetty: No, if I left the hiring up to you, you'd be the only person working here.

Callen: You saying I don't play well with others, Hetty?

Hetty: I'm suggesting that your default is to go it alone when you may be needing them the most. I'd like to think that I impart a certain wisdom and skillset to those who pass through those doors. The one wish I have for you, Mr. Callen, is that by the time you leave here, you've learned the art of trusting others in your personal life as well as your work.

---

Callen: [On his cellphone] Nell, you don't have to whisper.

Nell: Right, well, maybe I don't have to, but I would prefer to, if that's okay with you. Not that I don't respect your authority, Agent Callen. It's just, I think it would be in my best interest not to get on Hetty's bad side.

Hetty: [Entering] Too late dear.

Empty Quiver [2.16]

Sam: Need to stop this video Eric!

Eric: Video's already in the cloud, the auto run script executable is about to go live, I'm almost there....

Sam: Eric!!

Eric: Video's been disabled guys.

Hetty: What did you just do?

Eric: I used a VNC controller to piggyback the upload with a Trojan and corrupt the streaming data packets by initiating the stack buffer overflow.

Hetty: (pause) In English, Mr. Beal?

Eric: Oh...I broke the Internet.

(Nell punches Eric's shoulder)

---

Kensi: Oh hey, guys! What did Eric do with the video?

Sam: He shut down the Internet.

Kensi: (looking astonished) What....the WHOLE Internet?

Sam: (matter-of-fact) Yeah.

Deeks: Even Twitter? Whoa.

Personal [2.17]

Kensi: Callen, who is Deeks' next of kin?

Callen: That's a good question.

---

Deeks: Do I know you?

Kensi: Deeks.

Deeks Not my nurse?

Kensi: I'm serious, Deeks.

Deeks: My name is Deeks really? I'm kidding, I remember you Fern

Kensi: Yeah? You're a funny guy? I'm gonna punch you in your bullet hole.

Deeks: That sounds vaguely dirty. I think I'm gonna have to tell Hetty.

---

Deeks: The hospital asked me for my next of kin. Who should I put?

Hetty: Lange. Henrietta

Harm's Way [2.18]

Sam: [about Deeks] The guy gets shot because he doesn't alter his daily routine. I wanted to make sure he got the memo on personal security. Being this is his first day back.

Callen: And?

Sam: Got tired of waiting for him to leave home. I guess he slept through his alarm clock.

Kensi: Better call him then.

[Kensi dials Deeks' cellphone]

Sam: ...That's my bag.

[Sam pulls out a cellphone]

Sam: What the -?

Deeks: [enters and takes the phone from Sam] That'd be for me.

---

Callen: [after Deeks puts his cellphone in Sam's bag] Who did you pay and how much?

Deeks: School kid. 20 bucks.

[Deeks give Callen 5 behind the back]

---

Eric: (whistles for the team) You hear the shrill, you know the drill!

---

Deeks: (walking into a suspect's motel room) Ya know, for a guy who lived here for 18 months, he sure doesn't have much to show for it. He's got no big screen flat plasma TV...

Kensi: (clicking on laptop) Computer's configured for Arabic.

Deeks: (opens fridge) No beer. No funky, week-old clothes in the corner. No pizza boxes. This is very un-American.

Kensi: (picks up passport) Felix Attino. Colombian.

Deeks: That explains why he's un-American, but not why he speaks Arabic.

Kensi: (picks up a second passport) This would. A Yemini passport. Look at the name.

(passport reads: Saadat Habaza)

Deeks: We just found Abdul's brother.

---

Sam: This isn't the way home.

Callen: Nope. Promised Hetty I'd get her a futah. Bright colors.

Sam: Better get her two.

Enemy Within [2.19]

Nell: Am I in trouble?

Callen: No... But next time, pick on someone your own size.

---

Sam: Nice gangster walk.

Callen: Feels like I was thrown out of a moving car.

Sam: You were thrown out of a moving car... several times.

Callen: Well not recently... was I?

---

Deeks: Did you get the little Hetty note?

Kensi: No. By the way, there's no such thing as a "little Hetty note." There's a "Big Hetty Note." There's a "Holy Moly Hetty Note." There's an "Oh Dear God! Hetty Note."

Deeks: [about some courses] "Offensive Driving" Really? This is Los Angeles. Everybody's driving is offensive. Besides, I've already taken that.

---

Kensi: Emily's hanging in there. An Amber Alert was sent out. It's all over the local news, freeway signs, and Internet.

Callen: Nice going.

Kensi: Yeah. But it wasn't us. 9-1-1 received 3 calls in 4 minutes.

Callen: 4 minutes?

Kensi: Including 2 accurate license plate numbers and a lady id'd the van a block away. She'd gotten a text from a friend.

Callen: Huh? Nice neighbors.

---

Callen: If I ever go off the reservation, you have my permission to take me out.

Sam: Well, how far off the reservation? I mean, you've pushed it pretty far, and I haven't killed you yet.

Callen: All the way. You know, go rogue.

Sam: You? Never gonna happen. I've never seen anybody see more sides of the coin than you. If anybody's gonna snap, it's me.

Callen: You? Textbook SEAL. And blood pressure's undetectable. Do you even have a blood pressure. Something gets to you, you take it out on the heavy bag. You're lucky like that. If anybody's gonna snap...

Callen & Sam: Kensi.

Callen: Good luck, Deeks.

---

Kensi: Just once, I would love to get dressed up to go out and not have to chase a suspect or get shot at.

Sam: Where's the fun in that?

Hetty: Another wardrobe malfunction, Miss Blye?

Kensi: I'm sorry, Hetty.

Hetty: A small price to pay for a successful assignment. (hands Kensi a towel)

Kensi: Thank you.

---

Deeks: [shoots a cardboard Hetty Target on the range] Uh... Oops.

Hetty: Cheeky bastard.

The Job [2.20]

Sam: No offense but survival kits are for urban sissies who don't know how to make a floatation device out of a pair of pants.

Callen: Or how to extract the venom out of a horned viper using only a twig and a shoelace.

Deeks: Or how to make a latte without soy milk.

---

Kensi: [about an earthquake] Crack of dawn. Shook me right out of bed. You guys didn't feel it?

Callen: I was on a run.

Sam: Deep sleeper.

Deeks: You forget I'm from Californ-I-A. We don't get out of bed for anything less than a 6.

---

Deeks: Why do bad guys always have such awesome houses?

Sam: What's the matter, Deeks? Not feeling your loft?

Deeks: This guy's got his own Hobbit Shire.

---

Stanley: Where'd you learn how to do that?

Kensi: Misspent youth.

Eric: [Watching from Ops] Actually, I talked her through it.

Nell: Yeah, we never get the credit.

Eric: Or the glamour.

[Hetty clears her throat]

Eric: Which is totally overrated because I love my job - love it!

---

Callen: You're always trying to milk it.

Sam: Is it truffle season yet?

Callen: Okay, a couple ground rules though: No weird expensive fungi. No eggs that don't come from a chicken. No scotch that's older than you or me.

Sam: I can still order a Seafood Tower.

Callen: Great.

Rocket Man [2.21]

Eric: He got trapped in a satellite test chamber.

Deeks: Looks like he didn't pass the test.

---

Deeks: Poop scooping aside, though, going undercover is the best part of our job. I mean, you get to be somebody you're not.

Sam: For you that's an improvement.

Kensi: And also, you like to lie.

Deeks: What? No. I thought we were picking on Sam. And secondly, it's not lying. It's uh, truth - reimagined for the greater good.

---

Callen: Anything useful on Drewett's cellphone?

Nell: Uh, it froze then melted.

Deeks: So it... frelted?

Callen: Spell that.

---

Eric: Black Ops, Call of Duty - I've wiped out entire platoons in an afternoon. World of Warcraft - God knows how many.

Hetty: Mr. Beal?

Eric: ...I don't have to bring a gun, do I? I don't think I could actually really kill someone.

Hetty: Heaven forbid. I have no intention of making you carry a weapon.

[Eric sighs]

Hetty: Relax, Mr. Beal. This isn't rocket science after all... Well, actually, in this case, it is.

[Hetty laughs]

Hetty: You'll do fine. Nell will be listening in on you at all times.

Eric: "At all times?" What if I have to use the restroom? I have a shy bladder.

---

Nell: [to Eric's earpiece] Sorry you almost got frelted.

Eric: I hate that word.

Deeks: She said "frelted," didn't she?

[Kensi groans]

Deeks: See Kensi? It's catching on.

Kensi: Yeah.

---

Sam: Mr. Holt?

Holt: Yes?

Sam: Agents Hanna... Callen. NCIS.

Holt: I'm sorry. Did we - um - did we have an appointment?

Sam: No, but here we are.

Holt: Well, can this wait? These gentlemen have come a long way, and we're on a strict schedule.

Callen: Pretty business as usual considering your partner was just killed.

Plan B [2.22]

Hetty: So this is the infamous Max Gentry.

Deeks: This is an alias I did not miss.

Hetty: As I recall, his reputation was less than stellar.

Deeks: I've known Ray since I was 10 years old. I used our friendship to keep him in the line of fire as an informant. The only reason he risked himself is because he trusted me.

Hetty: And yet, he didn't tell you about his change in travel plans.

Deeks: Doesn't matter. Somebody's gotta look out for him.

---

Deeks: When I was 11 years old, my old man was... one drink away from killing my mom and me.

Hetty: Until you shot him in self-defense.

Deeks: ...38 revolver that I used - Ray's the one that gave it to me.

Hetty: You know, some might say you've paid that debt. Rather than send him to jail, you took him under your wing.

Deeks: Let's be honest. I turned my best friend into a snitch for $100/week. If he gets himself killed, it's on me.

---

Deeks: Well, maybe we should set up your relocation in Nebraska.

Ray: That's not funny. I'm the best informant you ever had.

Deeks: A claim you can only make due to the fact that you're a criminal.

Ray: Retired! You're looking at the new man - upstanding citizen.

Deeks: [laughs] Must've been difficult to say with a straight face.

---

Nell: Ray couldn't testify against the Southland Kings even if he wanted to. He doesn't have the intel - unless...

Callen: Nelson Sanders told them Ray did.

Nell: Uh huh.

Callen: That's not bad.

Sam: Maybe we need to get her away from her desk more often.

Eric: I heard that Rock Star.

---

Deeks: Thank you for letting Ray take Jenna with him.

Hetty: No one should live out his life alone - including you.

Deeks: What are you talking about? I got you. I'll be fine.

Imposters [2.23]

Kensi: [Hetty gives Kensi a gift] Oh, that is the coolest thing I've ever seen.

Hetty: I figured you'd like it. Like you it's both feminine and deadly. Therein lies its true value.

Kensi: You think I'm feminine and deadly?

Hetty: Among many things. It's what makes you so good at this job. The true challenge is knowing when to stop.

Kensi: What do you mean?

Hetty: The job. The importance of what we do, the excitement of doing it. It makes it very difficult to give it up. When the day comes for you to hang up your gun...

Kensi: Oh?

Hetty: And it will. You're going to want to come home to something more than a collection of antique weapons.

Kensi: Unfortunately, most of the guys I meet... are trying to shoot me.

Hetty: Not to worry. Sometimes you find them, or sometimes they find you. You just have to keep your eyes open

---

Kensi: [about a gift Hetty gave to Kensi] No, it's just something Hetty's getting rid of.

Deeks: Really?

Kensi: Yeah, but you have to be careful. Be -

[Deeks triggers the switch revealing the blade]

Deeks: Mm hmm. You two scare me.

Kensi: ...Good.

---

Kensi: Feel free to dazzle me with your detective skills anytime.

Deeks: Heh. You couldn't handle my skills.

Kensi: Oh? I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.

Deeks: That's classy.

---

Hetty: You know, it's been a *very* long time since I have heard you laugh, Sam. Hell, life itself can be absurd. But you have to embrace it. If you can't smile now, how can you possibly laugh in the face of death?

Sam: Hetty, why are you telling me this?

Hetty: As a sailor, Sam, you know the importance of a solid anchor. You have your faith, your family, your sense of humor. Mr. Callen doesn't think he needs anyone. He does. He *needs* you. You're his anchor. And I sense there's a storm coming.

Sam: Hetty, you're a lot of things, but psychic is one of them. You want to level with me?

Hetty: I just did.

---

Callen: You avoiding me?

Hetty: If I wanted to avoid you, Mr. Callen, you wouldn't find me.

---

Hetty: Being in charge sucks, Mr. Callen. Everyone looks to you for guidance and answers - even when you have none to give.

Callen: Well, I've never known you to ever be at a loss for words.

Hetty: The true test of a commander is when he is as frightened and confused as those who look up to him. In that moment, when you can't find it in yourself, you will find it in them. That's leadership.

---

Callen: [about Hetty] Why would she be worried about me?

Sam: You can be a worrisome guy. [chuckles] She pulled me aside - wanted to talk about it today.

Kensi: Me too. But not about you. It - we had a real heart-to-heart today - about the future.

Deeks: Me three. She's talking about things changing.

Callen: Guys. She's putting her affairs in order.

Familia [2.24]

Callen: [as they're driving to Hetty's House] I followed her home a couple times?

Sam: "Couple of times?"

Callen: Closer to a dozen. She keeps moving. She sleeps in a different house every night.

Sam: Oh, that's great. And I get to be there when you tell her you followed her home. She's gonna be so pissed when we knock on her door.

Callen: Not as pissed as me.

---

Kensi: You took cover behind Hetty's jag?

Deeks: What - are you insane?

Callen: Well, they were shooting. It was close.

Deeks: And you think Hetty's going to be fine with that?

Sam: What'd you want us to do? Get shot?

Kensi: Well, personally, I would've risked it.

---

Vance: You are no longer on this case, Agent Callen.

Callen: Then give me a reason. Tell me why? What is Operation Comescu about?

Vance: It's about you, Agent Callen. Operation Comescu is all about you.

---

Vance: The Comescu wants you dead, Agent Callen.

Sam: Why?

Vance: Some sort of long running family feud as far as we can tell.

Callen: I don't have... any family... They think I do.

Vance: They probably mistake you for someone else.

Callen: Probably.

---

Vance: [as he's about to enter his username and password] You don't have keystroke recognition software installed on this computer, do you Miss Jones?

Nell: [disables keystroke recognition software] No, sir.

Vance: I'm pleased to hear it. [enters his info] Done.

Season 3

Lange, H [3.1]

Vance: You're a long way from home, Agent Callen.

Callen: Heh. A couple of days ago, I would've agreed with you. Right now I'm not so sure.

Vance: How's your team?

Callen: Not my team.

Vance: Hetty's team then.

Callen: We're fine.

---

Vance: Agent Callen do you have a plan?

Callen: [sighs] I gave up being an agent when I turned in my badge.

Vance: You didn't turn in your badge. You mistakenly left it on Hetty's desk. I put it in her desk for safekeeping. Do you have a plan?

Callen: Yeah.

Vance: Enlighten me.

Callen: Save Hetty.

Vance: Carry on, Agent Callen.

---

Eric: No food or beverages in Ops.

Nell: Who says?

Eric: Doesn't seem right.

Nell: She's not here, Eric.

Eric: No, she's not.

Nell: She resigned.

Eric: Yes, she did.

Nell: She's somewhere in Eastern Europe.

Eric: Most likely.

Nell: She has zero control over what you do. What you say or what rules you choose to break. [puts a bag of cookies down]

Eric: And yet... [sips his coffee] Did you say "Oreos?"

Cyber Threat [3.2]

Sam: You hear anything?

Callen: She's still recuperating - like she was last month - and the month before that.

Sam: You think something is going on?... Of course. It's Hetty. Something else is going on.

---

Kensi: Have we heard any news on Hetty's condition?

Sam: According to Nell, Hetty's still keeping an eye on things.

Callen: Big Brother is watching.

Deeks: Or in Hetty's case - Little Mother.

[Everyone stares at Deeks]

Deeks: What? You guys have been doing this too long. You're getting paranoid.

Hetty: [From Deeks's computer] A healthy dose of paranoia can keep you alive in this business, detective.

Deeks: [yells out startled and slams the computer shut] Whoa! Did you just see that?

Sam: I saw you slam Hetty's face shut.

---

Eric: Detective and Agents, can I have your attention? Acting Operations Manager Hunter requests your presence in the Operations Center. ASAP. Thank you. [goes back to Ops]

Callen: What the Hell was that?

Kensi: That was Hunter - forbidding Eric from whistling.

---

Kensi: I'll go in as a tutor. Deeks can go in as a dog walker or something.

Deeks: Okay. Why can't I go in as a tutor and you go in as a dog walker?

Sam: It's called a mirror.

Deeks: How dare you, sir! Has anyone here gone to Law School? Huh? Anyone passed the Bar Exam in the State of California? Anyone?... Anyone?

Kensi: This coming from a guy who learned how to tie his shoes at... 12.

Callen: Really?

Deeks: I'm from L.A... I grew up in sandals.

---

Callen: [Eric starts showing some video footage] Can you read what she's saying, Kens?

Eric: I ran the footage through a lip reading program.

Kensi: [Offended] Excuse me? [scoffs] A computer program can't duplicate a skilled human lip reader.

Eric: Well, the software suggest she's saying something about gambling.

Deeks: Gambling?

Kensi: [scoffs and watches the footage] ... It's possible.

Backstopped [3.3]

Lauren: Your hostility towards me is affecting the team.

Callen: No it's not. The team is doing just fine. Whatever hostility I have is not about them. It's about you. I can't trust anybody who witholds information about my past - my life.

Lauren: And yet you trust Hetty?

---

Kensi: But how much do we really know about each other? We've always had Sam or Deeks act as social buffers. And I know you don't like to open up to anyone, but still...

Callen: You don't exactly open up to anyone either.

Kensi: Yeah, but I'm willing to try for the good of this partnership.

Callen: Okay.

Kensi: Okay.

Callen: I'm listening.

Kensi: Heh. [Long pause] Just stick to the case.

---

Callen: It's comparing apples and oranges.

Sam: Lethal injection or firing squad.

Kensi: Not really fair to either of them.

Deeks: I'm just saying comparison begs to be made.

Callen: Hetty or Hunter?

Deeks: Pick your poison.

---

Deeks: Okay, that's my face you just stepped on. Please do something stupid so my partner can shoot you.

Sam: Why'd you run?

Charles: Bomb.

[the shack explodes]

---

Hetty: You asked me why I went off on my own to face the Comescus. I did it... because of your mother.

Callen: You knew my mom?

Hetty: Sit down. I'll tell you everything I know.

Callen: Why now?

Hetty: Because you're safe from the Comescus now. And because I can't hold on to these secrets any longer. Please Mr. Callen.

[Callen sits down]

Hetty: Where do I begin?

Callen: What was her name?

Hetty: Clara... Her name was Clara.

Deadline [3.4]

Deeks: Eric, I need you to run a plate for me. 2, S as in Slayer, M as in Metallica, A as in Anthrax, 5-6-4, P as in uh, parsnip.

Eric: Parsnip? Your lettering system is Heavy Metal bands, and you're giving me a root vegetable for P?

Deeks: I don't know, man. I drew a blank.

Eric: Pantera? Hello.

Deeks: Oh. Cowboys from Hell. What was I thinking?

---

Kensi: Have you ever considered that maybe Monty just likes the sound of voices coming from the radio? That it doesn't really matter what we're listening to?

Deeks: Wait for it.

[Deeks changes the station. Monty whimpers then barks]

Deeks: Okay. Changing it back, buddy. Changing it back. Therapists explained it to me. Monty's uh archetypal canine subconscious...

Kensi: Okay. Stop.

Deeks: It's actually Pavlovian.

Kensi: No. You have to stop. This is getting far too weird.

---

Sam: He was saving his furry butt, that's what he was doing. That why they retired him?

Deeks: Actually the vet that did his psyche eval said he had a nervous condition. It's kind of like canine PTSD.

Sam: Puppy Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Sacrifice [3.5]

Kensi: [to a pair who are trying to get surveillance tapes] Federal Agents. Stop!

[the pair run only to encounter Deeks]

Deeks: STOP!

[the pair turn around encountering Sam]

Sam: Like she said. Federal Agents. Stop!

Deeks: Why don't they ever stop? It amazes me that they never stop.

---

Nell: If it's on the road, it'll show up. I mean you can't hide from Kaleidoscope... You have started a Kaleidoscope search.

Eric: Not exactly. I plugged into the LAPD database. As soon as the car is found, I will get an alert.

Nell: You're right. That's not exactly a Kaleidoscope search. So... what are we waiting for?

Eric: We?

Nell: You.

Eric: Hetty told Sam no use of Federal resources for personal matters.

Nell: Is this the same rebel Eric Beale who completed Level 5 of Warrior Quest on the big screen in Ops? The same rebel who dared to eat Oreo cookies in Ops without a napkin. The same rebel who broke the Internet.

Eric: But it's Hetty.

Nell: But it's Sam.

Eric: I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place.

Nell: Mmm... you are.

Eric: While Hetty scare me intellectually. I fear Sam on a more physically visceral level... All right, Beale, let's do this!

---

Callen: Charlene is a 1970 Challenger Sam's been restoring for the last 10 years. It was stolen last night.

Kensi: Oh that's horrible.

Callen: Yeah, big guy's heart broken. He was up all night questioning everyone in a 2 mile radius of the storage unit. Working on that car was Sam's theraputic refuge. Honestly, I don't think he ever wanted to finish it.

Kensi: Car like that is either in a chop shop, or being driven really hard south of the border. That's not good.

---

Sam: Whoever stole Charlene better hope LAPD catches them before I do.

Callen: You don't mean that.

Sam: Yeah, okay.

Callen: Stage 2.

Sam: What?

Callen: Anger. It's the second stage of grief.

Sam: I'm not grieving. I just want my car back!

---

Callen: You good?

Sam: Why do you ask?

Callen: So far, you've done a car, a gun and I believe that's a dead body. Amazing detail.

Sam: I'm good.

Callen: It's okay to be depressed.

Sam: I'm not depressed.

Callen: You will be. Stage 4.

Sam: Look, I'm not depressed, bargaining, angry, or in denial. But I *am* getting a little irritated.

Callen: Are you hungry?

Sam: Hunger's not a stage.

Callen: It's true. But loss of appetite is a sign of depression.

Sam: Keep it up.

---

Eric: [Finding Sam's car has been torched] Who's going to tell Sam?

Nell: Technically he asked you to find it.

Eric: It was your motivational speech that got us out here in the first place. Maybe it's a sign.

Nell: What? That we both tell him?

Eric: No. that neither of us tell him.

Nell: Ooo.

Eric: I mean, no good can come from this, Nell.

Nell: All right, what he doesn't know can't hurt him.

Eric: Agreed... We never saw this.

Nell: Saw what?

Lone Wolf [3.6]

Kensi: Have you guys seen Deeks?

Callen: Uh, good morning to you, too.

Kensi: Hi. Have you heard from him?

Sam: It's only 9:00.

Kensi: I know, but he was supposed to pick me up at the airport this morning and he never showed.

Callen: That's right. How was Hawaii?

Kensi: It was fine.

Sam: Meet anyone? Go to any luaus? Solve any crime?

Kensi: It was fine. Back to Deeks. I called his house number, I called his cell. No answer anywhere.

Callen: He's probably just hungover.

Sam: Or surfing.

Callen: Or he forgot.

Sam: Or all of the above.

Kensi: He has flaked on me before, and I suppose he does sleep through his alarm on a regular basis. So, yeah, you guys are right. Of course. Whatchya eating?

Callen: Bacon, eggs, mine.

Deeks: Really? That's it? No phone calls to the hospital or the morgue? I mean, I could be lying in a ditch someplace.

Honor [3.7]

Kensi: What are we talking about?

Deeks: Nothing! We're talking about absolutely nothing.

Callen: Someone called into a talk radio show last night, sounded exactly like Deeks.

Kensi: Did he now? What was he calling about?

Callen: Oh, he just wanted to talk about his feelings... for a co-worker (Kensi smiles)

---

Kensi: Speaking of partners, where's Sam? Mr. Always 5 minutes early is late - again.

Deeks: And he's taken 3 long weekends this month.

Kensi: You know what that means?

Deeks: He's in rehearsals for an off Broadway revival of Cats.

Callen: I'll tell him you said that.

---

Deeks: Don't you think it's strange that Callen's a talk radio guy?

Callen: Why's that?

Deeks: I don't know. I've always kind of considered you more of a - you know a - TV static white noise type of guy.

Callen: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Deeks: Well, I am a man of mystery.

Kensi: Mystery or misery?

---

Hetty: Where's Sam?

Callen: He went home to spend time with his family.

Hetty: Ah, that's good. He needs that... especially now.

Callen: [Long pause] What about you? You ever regrett not settling down - and having a family?

Hetty: I think about it sometimes. Maybe when I'm older. [chuckles] And you?

Callen: I think I'll keep looking for mine first. Good night, Hetty.

Hetty: Good night, Mr. Callen... Good night, Walter.

Greed [3.8]

Hetty: The waltz was revolutionary in the late 18th century because it was the first time couples faced each other when they danced. It was a scandalous display of public intimacy.

Deeks: Public intimacy-- I like it.

Kensi and Deeks: One, two, three. One, two, three.

Kensi: He's stepping on me.

Deeks: That's not true. You just keep putting your feet underneath mine when I lift them.

Kensi: You know where I'm gonna put my foot?

---

Hetty: I would love to teach the two of you the traditional Viennese Waltz with each other as partners.

Sam: [chuckles] She's kidding.

Callen: ...No, she's not.

Hetty: Agent Hanna, take your partner by the waist - back straight. Do I need to repeat myself.

---

Deeks: [Kensi's captive. Deeks passes by holding a painting seemingly oblivious] Are you digging the art in this place as much as I am? I mean it's cool. It's bold. Why aren't there more cool, you know? Oh there's another one! I wannna show you this one. This is my favorite [goes off screen] It's the perfect combination of girls and guns. [returns with his weapon drawn] Let me make this perfectly clear. If you harm her, this is gonna be your last day on Earth.

Michael Saleh: Who are you?

Sam: [Entering from behind with weapons drawn] Federal Agents! Drop you weapon!

Michael Saleh: [In recognition] Agent Sam Hanna.

Sam : Turn around - slowly.

---

Nell: I mean, I know why I sent the flowers to myself, so what's your excuse?

Eric: When I saw that someone else had given you flowers, I I-I felt...um...

Nell: Competitive?

Eric: Competitive. I felt competitive. Competitive with you. That's a good word for it. So, I took the flower from Hetty's desk.

Nell: You took a flower from Hetty's desk.

Eric: Yeah. She cuts them herself. It's a big bunch. Hetty will never miss it.

Nell: Hm-hmm.

Eric: I'm doomed, aren't I?

Nell: You sacrificed yourself to compete with me.

Betrayal [3.9]

Callen: And there's a third body. Nell, please read the C.I.A. report - verbatim.

Nell: "At approximately 1730 the remains of a black male approximately 40 years of age were found in a field 20 kilometers outside of Khartoum. The body was badly burned preventing immediate identification."

Hetty: The body is a match for Sam - in height and weight.

---

Hetty: Mr. Callen, it appears that Agent Salleh is right. There is a leak in the C.I.A.'s chain of command.

Callen: I understand.

Hetty: [Callen leaves Ops. To Kensi and Deeks] Find that leak.

---

Callen: There's a leak.

Sam: If Khaleed knew about me, I'd be dead already.

Callen: Doesn't mean it's not gonna happen.

Sam: I'm staying in, G.

---

Deeks: Rand's dead. Gunshot wounds.

Eric: Are you sure he's dead?

Deeks: Eric, I'm looking right at the body.

Eric: Well,that's really weird.

Hetty: Why?

Eric: Because there's another email being composed right this second from Rand to Khaleed's compound.

---

Hetty: Crash that network *now*! Whatever you have to do. Bring it down. Do not let that get email get out!

Eric: It's part of the C.I.A.'s network. It's not going to be easy.

Hetty: Deeks, Kensi, you have to get to Rand's computer *now*!

The Debt [3.10]

Deeks: [Kensi enters the back of Deeks's car] Did anybody ever tell you how cute you are when you're homicidal angry?

Kensi: I'm not angry. In fact, I could slit your jugular vein 11 different ways from where I'm sitting and wouldn't lose my temper.

---

Deeks: I'm sorry I had to lie to you. I was protecting you.

Kensi: You were protecting me?

Deeks: Us

Kensi: Us?

Deeks: Our...Our thing

Kensi: Whoa! So there is a thing?

---

Hetty: Detective Deeks.

Deeks: Yes?

Hetty: The LAPD has cut its ties with NCIS. Liason duties are discontinued effective immediately... I'm sorry. [leaves]

Kensi: Wh-what does that mean?

Deeks: Hetty just fired me.

---

Bates: You regret it?

Deeks: I thought the lowrider was going to kill the girl then kill me. I made a judgement call. I'll live with it.

Bates: I meant NCIS. I thought they'd fight a lot harder to keep you. Apparently, you don't belong there either.

---

Bates: Not easy losing partners, is it?

Kensi: Partners come and go.

Bates: I wasn't always a cop, you know?

Kensi: You served as an intelligence officer for the Army, conduction several interrogations during Desert Storm.

Bates: And you just lied to my face. Partners like Deeks don't just come and go. What's the story with you and him?

Kensi: Well, if he ever decides to call me, I'll be sure to ask him.

---

Kensi: Hey, Nell, whatever happened to that file I asked you for? The one on the aryan low rider that Deeks shot at the park.

Nell: Oh right, um, I'm sorry I guess I forgot.

Kensi: You never forget anything, Nell.

Nell: Um, yeah. I told them this wouldn't work.

Eric: Okay, so right after you guys left Monica Lee's office, she called a pay phone located two blocks away from the LAPD Precinct. I'm seeing a dozen other incoming calls to her PDA over the past few days, all from pay phones within walking distance of the same area.

Callen: So the mole's definitely a cop or someone who works closely with them.

Sam: And he's making life way too easy for Fisk. If we don't find him, that RDX is as good as gone.

Kensi: [Entering Ops] You kept me in the dark!

Callen: Please tell me you didn't waterboard Nell.

Kensi: The guy Deeks killed this morning, he isn't dead. He's an undercover NCIS agent working out of D.C. , who, in fact, just landed in Dulles Airport alive and well. You stuck fake tattoos on him and made me believe that my partner shot an unarmed man. Why would you do that?

Sam: Had to be convincing for LAPD and Bates or else they never would have taken Deeks back.

Nell: Sorry guys.

Callen: The woman Deeks rescued is also one of ours.

Sam: The whole thing is a setup.

Kensi: That is why you stationed me and Deeks so far away from Fisk and the Aryans. The op this morning wasn't about them. It was about your ruse. I knew something was off. I knew it!

Callen: We suspected Fisk had a mole. It was a ploy to force Bates to cut ties and take Deeks back from us.

Kensi: Do you guys have any idea what I've been through today?

Sam: It was Hetty's call, Kensi.

Higher Power [3.11]

Callen: All right. There must be other toy ponies.

Sam: You don't get it. She talks. She flaps her wings. And she responds to 30 commands.

Kensi: OH! Five more than Deeks.

Deeks: [enters] How's that? Talking about me?

---

Nell: Ugh. It's my mom again. She's wondering why everyone's home but me.

Eric: What do you tell them?

Nell: Working. I'm a TV News Editor. What about you?

Eric: Professional Blackjack Player.

Nell: Really?

Eric: True until I got banned from Vegas.

---

Eric: Did I just meet your parents?

Nell: Guess so.

Eric: What have they heard about me?

Nell: Well,

[Eric's station beeps]

Nell: Ooo, you got a hit. Better call Sam.

---

Hetty: Mr. Callen, Mr. Hanna, should you find yourselves on the roof, there will be no air support. A helicopter would drop like a stone in an EMP. I hope you have a Plan B if you can't stop this thing from firing.

Callen: Sam's working on Plan B.

Sam: I'm working on Plan A. You're working on Plan B.

Callen: We're still working on Plan B.

Hetty: Is that so? Well, I hope it doesn't involve me identifying both of you from your dental records.

---

Callen: Well, maybe Santa will bring it to her.

Sam: Maybe I'll tell her Uncle Callen said he'd get it for her. "It's okay baby girl, Uncle Callen didn't mean to let you down."

Deeks: That's messed up!

Callen: You wouldn't.

Kensi: You shouldn't!

Sam: Ho ho ho.

The Watchers [3.12]

Granger: I was referring to your ability to mesmerize your staff into believing your the second coming.

Hetty: My staff is a complimentary group of independent thinkers. And you would be wise to not let your personal vendetta cloud your judgment of them - or me.

Granger: Is this where you quote Sun Tzu in a thinly veiled threat?

Hetty: I'll leave the cliches to you, Owen.

Granger: Your remaining time would best be spend getting your affairs in order, Henrietta... I'm not afraid of you. [leaves]

Hetty: That was your first mistake.

---

Callen: [about Granger] He's here to stay ,isn't he?

Hetty: He's here definitely. How long he stays remains to be seen.

Callen: Should I be worried about you?

Hetty: Not as much as he should be.

Callen: I don't suppose you want to tell me the story of you two.

Hetty: It's still being written.

Callen: I hope it has a happy ending. [leaves]

Hetty: ...Not bloody likely.

---

Deeks: You uh, you missed a - button.

Kensi: Oh. You heard the guy. He was this close to giving up his partner. I had him eating out my hand.

Deeks: How's that?

Kensi: Just drive.

---

Granger: Special Agent G. Callen.

Callen: Who are you?

Granger: The direct approach. You know, that's an interesting approach, unless of course, you're walking into a trap.

---

Granger: That's great. You brought your entire team with you. Unfortunately, it makes it so much easier to blow you all up.

[Callen tackles Granger. Sam points his weapon at Granger]

Sam: Twitch - I shoot.

Granger: Is that a catchphrase?

Exit Strategy [3.13]

Deeks: The real question is: do you think you were born a tomboy or did you become one because your father really wanted a son?

Kensi : You did not just say that!

---

Sam: What are former French Operatives doing in our country, period?

Deeks: You'd think they'd have learned their lesson after Kensi kicked one of their ferers in the croissants.

Kensi: You know it.

---

Sam: Scuttlebutt is Granger's gone.

Hetty: Oh that.

Callen: Do we need t check your trunk?

Hetty: I wish. No, I think this is a temporary reprieve. I think he's off tormenting some other division. He'll come back when he grows bored making their lives a living Hell.

---

Nell: You get a hit on the SUV?

Eric: Kaliedescope's got nothing. You'd think that a car with front end damage and bullet holes in the windshield would make this easier.

Nell: This is L.A...

---

Callen: He's got a grenade!

Deeks: Oh come on! Who does that?

Alex: I appreciate your help, but I can't come in with you. I only have *12 hours* to find my family!

Kensi: What if you don't?

Deeks: I don't have much of a choice.

Sam: Are you really prepared to kill Jada?

Deeks: ...Please don't try to follow me. I'm sorry.

[Alex puts down the grenade and runs away]

Blye, K. [3.16]

Part 2 [3.17]

Deeks: I'm not talking about what they want, alright? Forget what they want. I'm talking about us. Alright, I'm your partner what makes you think I'm gonna let you do this by yourself?

Kensi: Because you're my partner and this is my mother and you're the only person I trust.

Season 4

Recruit [4.2]

Kensi: You didn't give me a chance to miss you, Deeks.

Deeks: Is that why you turned your cell phone off?

Kensi: I turned my cell phone off because I was at a yoga retreat, and I needed to relax.

Deeks:: Uh, wait a minute. You don't do yoga. I do yoga, and you mock me for it.

Kensi:: That's because I do it for spiritual centering. You, on the other hand, do it to pick up chicks.

---

Hetty: When I'm gone, I'm gone. No ceremony, no memorials, and absolutely no bringing of flowers to my grave.

Callen: Don't worry. There will be none of that.

Hetty: Good.

Callen: From what I hear, Granger is going to have you stuffed in a lifelike pose for his office.

Hetty: Don't be cheeky.

---

Callen: Thank you. Oh, that's so good. You sure you're not hungry?

Sam: Not now. What the hell is that?

Callen: Fish tacos.

Sam: What kind of fish?

Callen: The kind that swims in the ocean. Mmm.

Sam: How could you eat something without even knowing what it is? That could have been last week's bait, for all you know. Even looks like chum.

Callen: Carlos is the Iron Chef of the food trucks.

Kensi: Smells good over here. What's for lunch?

Sam: Mystery fish.

Deeks: Oh, Deep Sea Surprise is back?

Callen: Help yourself.

Deeks: Seriously? Mm-hmm. Nice. Sharesies?

Kensi: No, thank you. And don't say "sharesies."

Sam: All right. How'd you two make out?

Kensi: Parents are in denial. Their son worked at L. A. County Beach and Harbor and has a girlfriend, Mary Clark, who we are on our way to go see now.

Deeks: [eating a fish taco] This is delicious.

Sam: Too bad you don't know what it is.

Deeks: Sure I do. It's a Lake Superior white fish. I'd say caught in a gill net. Probably two or three days ago.

Sam: [groans]

Deeks: What? I'm a surfer I know my fish.

Kensi: Yeah, he's kind of like a trained seal, only without the "trained" part.

Sam: Or the "SEAL" part.

Dead Body Politic [4.4]

Nell: Our friend Chaucer has led a big life. He's descended from a long line of award-winning poodles.

Kensi: Chaucer was flown to Paris twice, to breed.

Deeks: He was paid to have sex in Paris? I should have been born a dog. (Kensi stares at him) I walked into that one, didn't I?

---

Deeks: Hmm... think I'm gonna have to go spend some time with him, alone.

Kensi: Why? What's going on?

Deeks: Nothing. I just got a way with animals.

Kensi: Okay, when you say it like that, it sounds really creepy.

---

Granger: I left DC to escape politics.

Hetty: Owen, you can't escape politics. You either play or get played.

---

Hetty: (to Kensi) I once ruled Nicaragua for 72 hours. Don't ask.

Skin Deep [4.7]

Deeks: (about his love for Donny and Marie) Is that so wrong? Does that make me a bad person?

Kensi: Not at all. Just a little bit creepy.

Deeks: Oh, good, then that doesn't change anything between us.

Collateral [4.8]

Granger: So, would you do it again?

Hetty: Without hesitation, Owen. Two lives saved hundreds of others.

Granger: Well, Potter planted the bomb, but it was your finger on the detonator.

Hetty: Not everyone can do what we do. The secrets we live with, the personal sacrifices we make. I just pray the world's a better place for them. I didn't choose this life, Owen. It chose me. All you can do is keep your head down, your gun up and your conscience clear.

---

Nell: Somebody is out there trying to kill her.

Eric: I know, we've got to stay cool. This is Hetty, right? She's always three steps ahead of everyone. She's tactically brilliant, ridiculously courageous, experienced, resourceful. I mean, if Mata Hari and Genghis Khan had a daughter, it'd be Hetty.

Nell: Or General Patton and Joan of Arc.

Eric: Exactly. Her kung fu is strong, and her magic is powerful. Say it.

Nell: Her kung fu is strong, and her magic is powerful.

Eric: Don't underestimate Hetty. She never underestimates us.

---

Callen: She blew me off.

Sam: I ignore you all the time; it never bothered you before.

Callen: Something's up.

Sam: Something's always up with Hetty.

The Gold Standard [4.9]

Callen: The man who can keep a secret may be wise, but he is not half as wise as the man who has no secrets to keep.

Hetty: Edgar Watson Howe. And yet it's a necessary evil in our business, I'm afraid.

Free Ride [4.10]

Callen: I know that look.

Sam: You're starting to sound like my wife. You know what they say when your partner starts sounding like your wife?

Callen: Get a new wife?

Sam: I'm gonna pretend you didn't say that.

Drive [4.11]

Kensi: She might feel more comfortable with a sympathetic female.

Deeks: I don't know, I'm pretty in touch with my feminine side.

Kensi: Yeah, see, that's the problem. If you did have a feminine side, you'd be touching it all the time.

Deeks: Wow. And yet, so true.

Paper Soldiers [4.12]

Kensi: Well, if you must know, I've killed another house plant. That is fourteen since July.

Deeks: Wait. That's it? That's the source of your sourness?

Kensi: It was a cactus.

Callen: You killed something that thrives in Death Valley?

Kill House [4.14]

Nell: Can I ask you guys a question?

Callen: Go ahead.

Nell: Um, when do you stop being afraid of you know, busting into places, guns blazing?

Callen: When you trust your training.

Nell: That's easier said than done.

---

Deeks: Do we get a safety word?

Sam: What do you think?

Deeks: I was hoping for a yes.

Kensi: This isn't one of your bondage sessions, Deeks.

Deeks: She's kidding, but if you hear me yell noodles that means I'm in trouble.

Callen: If I hear you yell noodles, I'm gonna shoot you myself.

History [4.15]

Deeks: I cannot wait to retire.

Sam: You know, you actually got to do some work before you can retire from something, Deeks.

Deeks: Just gonna sit on that beach with my dog, Monty Junior, Junior. You know, just checking out the lady birds in their bikinis.

Kensi: See, you're only young once, but you can be immature forever.

Deeks: Preach it Sister!

Wanted [4.17]

Kensi: Promise me you'll never do that.

Deeks: What's that?

Kensi: Get yourself killed.

Deeks: Well the good news for you is I have a natural aversion at death so...

Kensi: I'm not kidding.

Deeks: Ok.

---

Deeks: (to Kensi) You smell like sunshine and gunpowder...two of my favorite things.

Kensi: Eww. You're like wet dog.

---

Snyder: He also likes blondes.

Kensi: All right, I will wear a wig, but I will not dye my hair for this man.

Sabatino: Wouldn't help. You're not his type.

Kensi: [Long pause] What's his type?

[Snyder and Sabatino smirk and look at Deeks]

Deeks: No. Really?... Come on!

Red: Part Two [4.19]

Deeks: Wonder what it would be like-- you, me, Red Team...

Kensi: Unbearable.

Deeks: ...working together.

Kensi: We're supposed to be working an unsolved murder case in which the victim was shot in the back of the head with a low-velocity round, Deeks.

Deeks: Living together. Me walking in on you in the shower. Or the bunk room. You walking in on me in the shower. Or the bunk room.

Kensi: You walking in on Sam or Hetty.

Deeks: Who invited them?

Kensi: We're a team, aren't we?

Deeks: Yeah. No, two people can be a team.

Kensi: Mm. How many case files have you reviewed?

Deeks: Seven.

Kensi: Mm?

Deeks: Almost.

Kensi: Thirty-three.

Deeks: Thirty-three?!

(phone ringing)

Kensi: Get on it!

Deeks: (clearing his throat) Detective Marty Deeks, Cold Case Division. (laughs) Oh. Yes. Hi... Hetty. Yes. No, we're... Right now? Ops on the double.

Purity [4.20]

Kensi: We'll take the bikini bar.

Deeks: What? We will?

Kensi: I don't like to see him beg. And plus, he would mope all the way to Point Mugu if we didn't.

Deeks: This is fantastic news, but I don't beg.

Kensi: Oh, you beg.

Deeks: I definitely don't mope. 'Cause you're the moper. You're, like, Mopey Dick

Resurrection [4.21]

Kensi: Look, I am taking a leap here with this babysitting thing. It would be really nice to have my partner there to back me up. That is, if he takes me up on it.

Deeks: You want to play house?

Callen: They want to play house, Sam. At your house, when you're not there.

Sam: Oh, yeah? I have nanny cams. Everywhere.

Deeks: That's okay, 'cause I do some of my best work on camera.

Kensi: Oh, thank you for an image I will never be able to get out of my head.

Raven & The Swans [4.22]

Callen: Our boy got a briefcase.

Sam: Lap top probably inside.

Callen: What are the chances of getting that away from him long enough to access the computer?

Sam: Creating a distraction and grabbing the case 10 seconds, breaking the combination if it's locked another 20, copying the files 2 minutes.

Callen: Outsmarting the bad guys?

Sam: Priceless!

---

Sam: (referring to Callen and Hetty) Yeah, you two are cut from the same cloth.

Callen: Hardly. Hetty is, uh, hand-painted silk. I'm more of a--

Sam: Itchy polyester?

Callen: I was gonna say denim.

Sam: Well-worn denim.

Callen: What the hell's that supposed to mean?

Parley [4.23]

(phone rings)

Monica: Yeah? Hello? Hello?

Kensi: I think they hung up. [flashing her badge] NCIS.

Monica: What?

Kensi: Too many letters? Federal agent.

Monica: [tries to run but gets into a fist fight with Kensi] Back off, bitch. I mean it. [fight continues]

Deeks: Freeze!

Monica: Max, what are you doing? Shoot her!

Kensi: Sorry, honey, he's with me. And his real name is Marty Deeks, and he's a cop, and he's my partner. Who's the bitch now?

Monica: He is.

Kensi: Can't argue with that.

---

G. Callen: That whole motherland thing's overrated. I mean, look at me. I come from a line of blood-feuding gypsies who keep trying to kill me. How's that justice?

---

Deeks: I was just going to see if you were good.

Kensi: Yeah. You?

Deeks: I mean, I'm good if you are good.

Kensi: I'm good.

Deeks: Okay, good. We're good. Which is, you know... great.

Kensi: Glad we cleared that up.

Descent [4.24]

(Deeks is looking at Kensi after he kissed her)

Deeks: How's that for communication?

Season 5

Ascension [5.1]

Michelle: Isaak! You sent Barbies after me? I hate Barbies. I used to pull their heads off when I was a kid.

Sidorov: How did you find me?

Michelle: A Barbie told me. Right before I pulled her head off.

Impact [5.2]

Deeks: You got me a Cronut?

Kensi: Um, I did, but that was a while ago, and I left it at your doorstep, so that's old, don't eat it.

Deeks: N-N-N-No, d-don't throw it away. It's the thought that counts, I'm gonna frame this thing.

Kensi: You're so weird.

Deeks: I mean, look at that. It's like America and France made slow, sweet love and then had a pastry baby.

Kensi: What happens next?

Deeks: It's a love story.

Omni [5.3]

Hetty: Oh, uh, I need to inform you all that because of an executive order, Omni's shares of Norris BioTech are now the property of the U.S. And Dr. Leonard will be the acting president of the company. That's it.

Deeks: Good for him. See? I told you. He's, uh, socially awkward and annoying because he's a super genius.

Kensi: Great. What's your excuse?

---

Kensi: Would have screamed louder if they had cut your hair?

Deeks: Wow

Kensi: It feels good! I missed you.

Deeks: Sorry....what?

Kensi: You know what I mean

Deeks: I do

---

Deeks: You know, the goal here was to look like a Hollywood hipster. Ensemble you got going, it's like Gap threw up some Hot Topic. Definitely not hip.

Kensi: Yeah, well, it takes a special kind of guy to wear jeans that skinny.

Deeks: They're tight. I mean, they're real tight. They're tight because I need my space. You know what I mean? Tight in all the right places.

Kensi: And yet you still found room to hide your gun.

Sam: They're like Archie and Edith.

Callen: It's more like Archie and Meathead.

---

Sam: I thought that party was VIPs only.

Deeks: Yeah, no... I... not-not that I'd been, but if I had been, which I'm not saying that I have, it's only because the security guards are very pro-LAPD.

Kensi: Which probably means he used his badge to get in.

Deeks: Of course I wouldn't do that. That's against, uh, LAPD regulations.

---

Sam: You good?

Deeks: Yeah! I’m good! (Sam, Callen and Kensi all stare at him.) God, you guys, I’m fine, all right? You can stop walking around me on eggshells. I understand it’s my first day back and you’re worried about me but I’m … I’m good. You know what? I’m … I’m better than good. I haven’t wept the bed in over a week and the voices in my head have all been going away. (Deeks starts talking to himself.) Shut up! No, you shut up! I’m fine!

Sam: Seems good to me.

Deeks: Thank you.

---

Sam: I’m 6’3, 225.

Callen: That is big!

Sam: It’s not big! You know, it’s above average, I’ll give you that. But I’m not like some oversized behemoth. I’ve got good proportions, see.

Callen: What is this all about?

Sam: The other night my family was watching Project Runway and all of a sudden it became funny time in the Hanna household. So they were talking about how I need a makeover.

Callen: Ah, ah, ah!

Sam: Don’t start! When I find something that works I stick with it.

Callen: I hear you! Our lives are dangerous enough without taking any fashion risks.

Sam: I tried to mix it up. I went over to Robertson to pick up some jeans over the weekend.

Callen: You bought clothes on Robertson?

Sam: No! You know why? Because they don’t carry clothes for men my size. That’s what the guy said to me.

Callen: Wow! And he’s still alive?

Sam: When did grown men start wearing skinny jeans? Huh? Could you picture me in a pair of skinny jeans? I couldn’t fit my arm in a pair of skinny jeans.

Callen: You wore huskies as a kid, didn’t you?

Sam: Why do I talk to you?

Callen: Because even a man your size needs a friend.

---

(Sam is putting handcuffs on a suspect.)

Suspect: Someone get this giant off my back!!

Callen: He's not a giant. He's just husky!

---

(The team is walking away while Deeks starts talking to himself.)

Deeks: Yo, Deeks, that was crazy man! You just … saved that woman’s life and fell down a 90-foot cliff! What? Don’t worry about it. That’s just the job, man. It’s what I do. Break hearts and save lives! Huh? Just knowing you guys care, that’s enough. Right? Argh! Uh, what does it mean when you’ve got shooting pains going down your back and you can’t feel your legs?

Reznikov, N [5.4]

Deeks: Why'd you wait with the bodies? You could have been long gone by the time we got there.

Kolcheck: Because I wanted you to know what happened, what Callen was going to do.

Kensi: Why?

Kolcheck: Because Callen is a friend of mine and I don't want him to die today.

Unwritten Rule [5.5]

Jason: (To Deeks) Are you trying to annoy me?

Kensi: He doesn't have to try, he's naturally annoying.

---

Nell: Uh, sorry that took so long. I was stuck behind an old man on a scooter for the past six blocks.

Callen: I'm sure he appreciated your patience.

Nell: Well, he flipped me off before I finally passed him.

Callen: He was probably just waving.

Nell: He called me a ginger bitch.

Callen: Yeah, I got nothing for that.

---

Deeks: Hetty, hi. Can, I, uh... ask you a question?

Hetty: No.

Deeks: No, as in, I can't ask you a question?

Hetty: No. Upstairs, there's a case.

Deeks: You're not even curious of what the question is?

Hetty: No. (walks away)

Deeks: Okay. I cherish these conversations. Feels like we're really bonding as a couple.

Big Brother [5.6]

Callen: Think the neighbors had any idea they were living next to a drug cartel?

Sam: Like your neighbors have any idea who they're living next to.

Callen: Of course they do, a handsome bachelor.

Sam: A quiet man who keeps to himself? Classic description of a serial killer.

Kensi: I wouldn't mind tailing Agent Ambrose

Deeks: He's cagier than a loaded weasel....What? They can be pretty cagey!

Kensi: I never leave my weasel loaded

Deeks: I bet you don't

Sam: Do I need to separate you two?

The Livelong Day [5.7]

Sam: Hey, Kensi.

Kensi: Yeah.

Sam: What happens when Mercury is in retrograde?

Kensi: Deeks gets retro-annoying.

Deeks: Wow.

Kensi: Oh, come on. Problems happen all the time, and three times a year, we have to blame it on Mercury? Ridiculous.

Sam: Sounds like an urban myth.

Callen: It's more like a superstition.

Deeks: Don't do it, don't taunt Mercury.

Callen: Or what, the guy in the chariot's gonna stop pulling the sun around the Earth.

Fallout [5.8]

Granger: (about the off-the-book operation) Do you have any idea what you've done?

Callen: Retrieved our technology?

Sam: Made the world a better place?

Deeks:: And looked good while doing it.

---

Deeks: Okay, honestly, who still uses a pay phone? I'd rather kiss the Outbreak monkey than use a pay phone.

Kensi: How are you a germaphobe? I've seen your apartment.

Deeks: Okay, I'm fine with my own germs, and you, of all people, should not be giving housekeeping notes. I've seen cleaner litter boxes.

Kensi: Oh, meow.

Recovery [5.9]

Kensi: Damn it, Deeks, you asked me out on a date without actually asking me out on a date. Now, if this keeps going this way and we can't communicate, and we've been over this, you never say what you mean, a-and if this is the way it's gonna be, then I don't know how we're ever gonna--

Deeks: I don't want to be here with you right now.

Kensi: What?!

Deeks: I want to be at my place, right now... with you.

The Frozen Lake [5.10]

Deeks: I'm honestly just trying to make this work.

Kensi: It's not going to work. I'm standing on my frozen lake.

Deeks: [Gives Kensi a confused look] I'm sorry, I don't know what that is

Kensi: Your frozen lake is the name for what you want the most in the world and you want it, you want it so bad that you'll do anything to get it. And your heart takes over. But because of that, it destroys you in the end. It's right there, just sitting in the middle of this frozen lake, and you think you're fast enough to go out and grab it before the ice cracks...

Deeks: And what you don't realize is you're already standing on the ice and it's falling apart around you.

Kensi: Yeah.

---

Kensi: We're gonna figure this out. All we gotta do is talk about it.

Deeks: Okay but you don't, you don't really like talking about it.

Kensi: Yeah but I promise I'll be better at talking about this.

Deeks: What do you, what do you mean for this?

Kensi: This...you know

Deeks: This thing?

Kensi: Yes...Our...Thing

Deeks: I'm sorry I just, I didn't hear you. There were so many people walking by if you could just maybe say it louder, just once just say it!

Kensi: I hate you.

Deeks: You don't. You don't. You don't hate me!

Kensi: Our thing.

Iron Curtain Rising [5.11]

Kensi: Well, I feel like they resent me being here.

Granger: Why would they? And even if they do, so what?

Kensi: Well, some of us don't relish being disliked.

Granger: Let's focus on the mission, Miss Congeniality.

---

Sam: You know you have a house now. You can sleep there. That's what normal people do.

Callen: I sleep there. I do.

Sam: You're like a cat that keeps going back to its old place, even though the owners moved.

Callen: What do you want me to say? I'm a creature of habit.

Sam: Yeah, you're a creature, all right. Of bad habits.

Merry Evasion [5.12]

Hetty: How are you doing?

Kensi: Fine.

Hetty: Bone china is fine. You are not bone china.

Kensi: I'm doing very well.

Hetty: Uh-huh. What's your assessment of the task force?

Kensi: They're okay.

Hetty: I think the mountain air must have limited your vocabulary.

---

Hetty: And you two can go interview the senator.

Deeks: The two of... You mean the two of me?

Hetty: I want you and Nell to see the senator, find out if he knows anything about these Chinese PLA threats.

Deeks: Me and... Nellosaurus?

Hetty: Yes, I move fast, Mr. Deeks. Gotta keep up.

Nell: Let's go, Shaggy.

Deeks: Well played. I'm with you, Velma.

Windfall [5.20]

(Kensi is coming back to work after her mission in Afghanistan.)

Callen: How are you?

Kensi: Good.

Sam: Yeah?

Kensi: Really good.

Deeks: You look good. I mean that you seem good by the way that you look.

Kensi: It's because I am good.

Callen: Good.

Deeks: Good.

Sam: Good!!

(Eric comes down the stairs.)

Eric (whistles): Kensi! Lookin’ good!

---

(Kensi is stuck in OPS.)

Kensi: What would you like me to do.

Eric: I don’t know, really.

Kensi: Well Hetty said I was supposed to be helping so, there’s gotta be something for me to do

Eric: Uh, well, I’ve got a pretty big knot in my shoulder right now. I’m just kidding! Of course I’d never ask you to do anything like that. (whispering) Even though it would be helping.

Kensi: Oh really? So Nell would be massaging you right now?

Eric: Um no. Because she’d be busy actually doing something.

Kensi: What would she be doing, Eric?

Eric: Remotely accessing Davis’ computer, mirroring the hard drive and initiating an SSH P3 protocol for a complete sweep.

Kensi (rolls her eyes): Which shoulder?

Eric: Righty.

---

Deeks: Hey.

Kensi: Hi.

Deeks: We haven't had a lot of time to chat since you've been back.

Kensi: I know. It's gonna change.

Deeks: You mean ... it's gonna change? Does that mean that? Wait a minute, are you back?

Kensi: Sure looks like it.

Deeks: That's good news. I was getting a little worried, because, uh, I'm pretty sure Nell was falling in love with me.

(Kensi punches Deeks in the shoulder.)

Deeks: Aah! God! (smiling) And there she is.

Kensi: Here I am. It's good to be back.

One More Chance [5.22]

[Kensi hug Deeks and give him a kiss]

Deeks: Oh, hi, wow. What're.. what? What are we doing here? What's that?

Kensi: I'm giving her a reason to look over here, and it's either that or I throw my coffee on you!

Deeks: Well thank you so much for not scalding me in the face instead of giving me kisses!

Deeks: I just realised that you're the yin in my yang. So to spoke.

Kensi: Explain to me how you have this capability of making everything sound so wrong.

Deeks: It's a gift, isn't it? I'm just saying, like you're the right of my wrong, I'm like the good to your evil.

Kensi: The beast to my beauty?

Deeks: That's hurtful.

Exposure [5.23]

[Sam and Callen are walking through a second hand dealership and looking at the cars on show.]

Sam: Look at this. It should be illegal to mistreat cars this way. Salvaged or not.

Callen: Yup. It's bad car-ma.

Sam: [grimaces] That's as bad as these cars look.

---

Callen: Where's Dana Steele, Eric?

Eric: You're close. According to the tracker, she's right inside the Grand Central Market.

Sam: Yeah? Well, we're looking right inside the Grand Central Market-- it's like trying to find Waldo.

Callen: Who's Waldo?

Sam: Where's Waldo?, the kids book. [Callen looks at him blankly] He's like a goofy kid with a red and white striped shirt. [in disbelief] You don't know Waldo??

Callen: Sounds very patriotic. Look, this story is a big break for Dana. She may be able to parlay this into an anchor desk.

Sam: Yeah, thanks to a terrorist attack on American soil.

Callen: Every journalist owes tribute to the evil one.

Sam: What's that, one of Hetty's quotes?

Callen: Jean de La Fontaine. 17th century French poet.

Sam: [chuckles] You know 17th century French poets, but you don't know Waldo?

---

Granger: They're quite a team, Henrietta.

Hetty: They're my '27 Yankees.

Granger: Doesn't get any easier, does it? Sending them out each time, never knowing if they'll come back.

Hetty: They always come back, Owen. Until one day they don't.

Deep Trouble (part 1) [5.24]

Deeks: I've never noticed that she's not, not attractive.

Kensi: She's beautiful!

Deeks: You're beautiful!

---

Cast and characters

• Chris O'Donnell as G. Callen
• LL Cool J as Sam Hanna
• Daniel Ruah as Kensi Blye
• Linda Hunt as Hetty Lange
• Barrett Foa as Eric Beale
• Eric Christian Olsen as Marty Deeks (2010–present)
• Renée Felice Smith as Nell Jones (2010–present)
• Adam Jamal Craig as Dominic Vail (2009–10)
• Miguel Ferrer as Owen Granger (2012–17)

External links

• NCIS: Los Angeles At IMDB
• NCIS: Los Angeles at TV Guide