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NCIS (season 1)

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NCIS: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17) | Los Angeles: Seasons (1 2 3 4 5 6 7) | New Orleans: Seasons 1 2 3 4 5 6 / Main

NCIS is a television series which premiered in 2003, initially as a spin-off of JAG. It features a team of special agents from the United States Department of the Navy's law enforcement agency, Naval Criminal Investigative Service (NCIS), which investigates crimes involving the Navy and United States Marine Corps service personnel and their families.

Yankee White [1.1]

[edit]
  • Agent Caitlin "Kate" Todd began the first episode as an agent with the United States Secret Service. A navy officer died while on board Air Force One and she was the Special Agent in Charge. Todd resigned the Secret Service at the end of the first episode and in the second episode joined NCIS.
Gibbs: We're LEO's.
TSA Agent Dennis: Ah, I'm a Capricorn.
Tony: LEO, short for Law Enforcement Officer.
Gibbs: Are you... new at this, Dennis?
Dennis: First week! [checks their papers] N-C-I-S. Never heard of it.
Gibbs: [to Tony] Now that's embarrassing.
Dennis: NCIS? That anything like CSI?
Tony: Only if you're dyslexic.
Tony: Gibbs, the pilot won't take off until the Secret Service chick gives us the... [sees Kate with Gibbs] ...Thumbs up.
Kate: I think that just made it my team.
Gibbs: No, means I'm gonna have to hijack Air Force One. Tony, escort Agent Todd off this aircraft and close the hatch.
Kate: You're not serious! Wait. Fine. Your team, but just because I don't want to have to delay us any further by having to shoot you.
Tony: Excuse me. You'll need to stand clear so I can take measurements for my crime scene sketches. Thanks.
Kate: Sketches? You've taken a dozen photos.
Tony: [Picks up a men's magazine] Tell me her measurements.
Kate: You're pathetic.
Tony: No, I'm serious. Can you tell if she's 5'4 and a 34C or 5'7 and a 36D? You can't. Not from a photo. That's why we do sketches and take measurements. Thanks.
[Later]
Ducky: I thought your photo analysis was brilliant, Tony, but isn't 36D a bit of wishful thinking?
Tony: You think?
Gibbs: NCIS does not leak. These plans get out... you can shoot DiNozzo.
Kate: No, I think I'm destined to shoot you.
Gibbs: Rule Number One: Never let suspects stay together.
Gibbs: Rule Number Two: Always wear gloves at a crime scene.
Gibbs: Rule Number Three: Don't believe what you're told. Always double check.
Kate: Should I write these rules on my Palm Pilot, or crochet them on pillows?
Abby: What are you going to do while I test for poison in a health snack?
Tony: I'll wait.
Abby: There's a futon under the desk.
Tony: Bless you.
Abby: What are you, my priest?
Tony: Curse you?
Gibbs: Kate. (she takes gum) When's the President returning?
Kate: Uh, tomorrow. Noon. I'm flying back tonight to rejoin the detail.
Gibbs: Mind if I tag along?
Kate waffles.
Gibbs: (childishly) Please?
Kate: (smiling smugly) You can. Your Sig Sauer can't. We have a rule: no weapons on Air Force One unless they're Secret Service. Kate pops the gum in her mouth. Gibbs shrugs and takes off his sidearm, tucking it away in a drawer. He puts on his coat and follows Kate out.
Gibbs: (to Ducky and Abby as he passes) Keep looking.
Abby: (amused) Wow. Gibbs said "please".
Gibbs: You enjoyed playing my boss?
Ducky: I did rather.
Gibbs: What can you tell me about the victim?
Ducky: Good grief, Gibbs! I've only just met the deceased!
Kate: (reappearing) Who the hell are you people? (puts her hand on the holster then says to Gibbs) You're no M.E Assistant! (to Ducky) And there's not a soft-shelled crab for at least a thousand miles!
Ducky: (to Gibbs) Sorry!
Gibbs: (flashes badge) We're NCIS. We came to take control of the investigation.
Kate: (sighs) First the FBI tries to muscle in...now NCIS!
Gibbs: Okay you can be on my team!
Kate: Your team? Why should you have lead on the investigation?
Gibbs: Well...I do believe this is a dead naval officer!
Kate: Who died on Air Force One after having lunch with the President...it's my job to protect!
Gibbs: Have you ever worked a crime scene?
Kate: I am in the Secret Service!
Gibbs: I thought so.
Kate: Well, don't dismiss me like that! I mean I earned my jock strap!
Gibbs: Yeah? Did it ever give you that empty feeling?
Kate: What?
Gibbs: (subtle flirting) Your jock strap!
Kate: (smiling) No! Like some species of frog (subtle flirting) I grow what I need!

Hung Out To Dry [1.2]

[edit]
Gibbs: How long to find the acid and check out the rest of the chutes?
Abby: Well, I'm flying solo, so at least a day.
Gibbs: Go faster if you had an assistant?
Abby: Oh, Definitely.
Gibbs: Okay, you got the job.
Kate: I get to do forensics?
Gibbs: No, you get to schlep for Abby, she gets to do forensics.
Tony: Why didn't you take to me this fast?
Abby: You're like a piercing, Tony. It takes awhile for the throbbing to stop and the skin to grow back.
Tony: That's more than I wanted to know.
Abby: Sulfuric acid. That'd chew the shine off a trailer hitch.
Kate: How'd you get into this stuff?
Abby: Filled out an application.
Kate: I mean...forensics.
Abby: Oh, uh, when I was kid we used to live by this lot where hey brought all the burned out hulks from the gnarliest car wrecks. I used to sneak in at night and take pictures. It wasn't about the gore. It was about figuring out how things happened. You know, like action, reaction, the science of the whole thing. I got hooked. How about you?
Kate: Actually, I wanted to be a lawyer. I did a...a year in law school. It felt like ten years in prison.
Abby: With really boring inmates? (Kate laughs)
Abby: Admit it. You just like strapping on a gun.
Kate: More than one.
Abby: Really? You packing more heat than meets the eye?
Kate: Those your only tattoos?
Abby: You show me yours, I'll show you mine. (Kate chuckles)
Tony: My dad gave me a power sander for my birthday. I don't really power-sand much.You're welcome to it.
Gibbs: Besides that bare bulb and that plug going to that idiot box do you see a power cord anywhere around here?
Tony: You use hand tools, huh?
Gibbs: I use my hands.
Tony: Jumping's gotta be so cool.
Gibbs: Hey. You wanna play paratrooper? Pay $180 dollars and take your class like all those other weekend warriors.
Tony: Yeah, I have so many weekends free.
Kate: How'd you get into NCIS?
Tony: I smiled.
Corporal Brinkman: Why are you jumping with us, Sir?
Tony: I always wanted to jump. Agent Gibbs came along to laugh.
Corporal Dafelmair: Hard to believe Dave killed Thumper over a lousy two week suspension, Sir.
Gibbs: Yeah.
Brinkman: Thumper rode him, Sir, but no more than the rest of us. It just doesn't make sense.
Tony: Oh no!
Gibbs:What? Chickening out?
Tony: Thirteen. It's my first jump and my reserve number is number Thirteen.
Gibbs: Wouldn't have bothered Thumper, would it, guys? (Brinkman and Dafelmair look at each other)
Gibbs: Either of you superstitious?
Brinkman and Dafelmair: No, Sir.
Gibbs: Great. Why don't you swap with Corporal Brinkman?
Tony: What's your reserve chute number?
Brinkman: Four.
Tony: Four? No, four's unlucky in China.
Gibbs: We're not in China.
Tony: I don't care. What's your number?
Marine: Eight.
Tony: Great. Eight's lucky in China.
Gibbs: There a problem?
Dafelmair: No, Sir.
Gibbs: Hey, Cap.
Captain Faul: Aren't you a little old to re-up?
Gibbs: I hear there's a war on.
Faul: Agent DiNozzo. I can't tell if you're enlistin' or just listin'.
Tony: Haha. That's a good one.
Gibbs: We're going with you boys. NCIS training mission.
Capt. Faul: Now why don't I believe that? Hell, why not. Hate to pass up an opportunity to toss a couple of NCIS agents out of a plane.
Tony: Look who I found. MPs weren't gonna let her pass.
Kate: I've got my SIG and badge, but HQ didn't issue my photo ID. Oh my, God. Is this for real?
Ducky: Unfortunately, my dear, it is.
Gibbs: (Hands Kate gloves) Put 'em on.
Ducky: Huh, your first crime scene with us, Caitlin.
Kate: What about Air Force One?
Ducky: Doesn't count, you were in the Secret Service. Hey, Tony, take a team photo for posterity.
Gibbs: Forget posterity. The sun's gonna be up soon. Welcome to NCIS. [hands Kate a pair of boots]
Kate: How did you know my size?
Gibbs: Put 'em on. You can't work a field in high heels. [smiles]
Tony: Depends on the kind of work you're doing.
Kate: Your mind, DiNozzo, runs the gamut from "X" to triple "X".
Tony: Yeah?
Kate: Thanks, DiNozzo.
Tony: Hey, you could be the NCIS poster girl in that outfit.
Captain Faul: Why didn't you just ask to see my key?
Gibbs: Agent Todd is new. Just teaching her how to interrogate!
Captain: Wait. You suspected me! That's why you wanted to know what I'd been doing all day!
Kate: If the Captain was a suspect...wouldn't we have read him his rights?
Gibbs: Very good, Agent Todd! Great!
Gibbs: It's just a lump of dead skin!
Kate: Well there's an armed forces registry. All their DNA would be on file!
Gibbs: That was created to identify bodies ONLY!
Kate: Well there's gotta be a way around that!
Gibbs: Now you're thinking like an NCIS agent! (Kate smiles at him and bites her lip)
Abby: You're looking at infrared of Bolivia's Best!
Gibbs: Cocaine?
Tony: The killer's using it?
Abby: Oh no way! The rock's too pure! This is probably from the cutting and the weighing!
Kate: Why don't I think that Thumper was killed cause of Cpl Ramsey's rigging?
Tony: What happened to "The Sad End of a Drano Drinker"?
Abby: I did a new one!
Tony: It was my favorite!
Abby: Art can't stand still, Tony!
Tony: So what's this one?
Abby: "Self Inflicted ShotGun Wound to the Abdomen"!
Tony: Of course!
Abby: I think I've got a theme like with my "ShotGun Shattered BackBone" I've got like a Chagal feeling going on!
Tony: Like in a Manson family way!
Abby: Yeah!

Seadog [1.3]

[edit]
[Tony is reading off a list of potential cases to Gibbs]
Kate: He's been searching for a case, any case, since I came in.
Tony: [reading from an e-mail] "All agents not working active cases are to attend the sexual harassment lecture at the NCIS human resource training center at 0930 hours today."
Gibbs: [deadpan] I cannot sit through another one of those. I will shoot myself.
Kate: You mean they train you guys how to harass? [Gibbs turns and looks at her] Hey, I'm kidding, except for Tony.
Tony: For the last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seatbelt on.
Ducky: [angrily to Tony] That man is an imbecile! He shouldn't be a school crossing guard!
Gerald: You shoved a French cop off a cliff?
Ducky: There was a lake below!
Gibbs: Sixty feet below.
Kate: I was in the Secret Service, we tend to get all hot and bothered over large numbers of $100 bills.
Tony: Is that what does it for you?
Kate: What does it for me, Tony, is a mystery you will never find out. [smiles and walks away]
Tony: I know the answer.... Grant.
Gibbs: [mutters to himself] Why do I feel like a high school principal?
Tony: I don't know!
Tony: [about to send drug kingpins to Gitmo as suspected terrorists] You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you understand these rights you don't have?
Abby: [while watching video of a terrorist's van] Are we submitting to the Sundance Film Festival?
Tony: Yeah, best terrorist film category.
Abby: Sweet.
Tony: Well that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it?
Gerald: What?
Tony: That Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.
Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.
Gerald: It moved!
Ducky: Remind me to check our inventory of alcohol swabs!
Gerald: It moved, Doc!
Ducky: Well he was certainly dead on the beach!
Gibbs: Well, we might get lucky
Kate: (typing on her laptop) No-one's that lucky!
Gibbs: We are
Kate: He could be a service man doing his job!
Gibbs: (as the terrorist starts shooting he yells) No, I don't think so!

The Immortals [1.4]

[edit]
Tony: No boss, you don't understand. I love Puerto Rico.
Kate: Been there a lot?
Tony: [excited at the beginning...trailing off at the end] No that's just it, I've never been there... I mean I'm so wanting to go. Ever since I was a kid I was just...so wanting...sorry...I just always...
Gibbs: [deadpan] Wanted to be there.
Tony: Yeah.
Master Chief Petty Officer: If you need anything--
Gibbs: I won't hesitate. [MCPO leaves]
Kate: Why didn't that sound sincere.
Gibbs: You get used to it. They either stonewall or kiss-ass. To them, we're the internal affairs of the Navy.
Kate: So basically, they hate us.
Tony: Noooooooooo... [he and Gibbs look at each other] Pretty much.
Ducky: Well if you'll excuse me, I'll get our poor seaman out of his wet clothes.
Tony: You're not going to say, and into a dry Martini, are you?
Tony: [to Gibbs] When you're a computer geek invading dungeons and fighting ogres, Jethro doesn't cut it. [look from Gibbs] ... Neither does Tony.
Tony: Aren't you guys interested at all in what I brought you back from Puerto Rico?
Gibbs and Kate: [sighing] Sure. Fine.
[Tony grins and hands them a couple bags, Kate looks in hers]
Kate: You gotta be kidding.
Tony: A bikini. Two-piece.
Kate: A bottom. And a hat??
Tony: Puerto Rican!
Gibbs: Any chance you're going to try that on?
Kate: [tosses it at Gibbs] You first.
Gibbs: [looks over the bikini bottom] Trust me. It's not gonna fit.
Kate: Pigs. I work with pigs.
Tony: [as Gibbs is opening his gift] It's a fantasy RPG book. Complete with character sheets and dice. Baby steps, Gibbs. Baby steps.
Gibbs: It's in Spanish.
Tony: There's just no pleasing you, is there?

The Curse [1.5]

[edit]
Tony: The golf clubs belonged to his RIO, Lt. Lynch.
Kate: RIO?
Tony: Radar Intercept Officer. Also called a GIBs, one B - short for guy in back.
Kate: [to Gibbs] What do you need two B's for?
Gibbs: Second one's for bastard.
Tony: That's kinda touching, Gibbs, remembering the day you hired me.
Gibbs: Yeah, well, it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Gibbs: If that thing came off an aircraft, someone filed a TFOA report for it.
Kate: TFOA?
Tony: Things falling off aircraft.
Kate: You're kidding.
Gibbs: Nope. Navy keeps records on that sort of thing, all the way back to biplanes.
Ducky: You know post mortem details can be extremely revealing. Remember that case four years ago, where the young Marine was buried in an anthill up to his neck?
Gibbs: Duck. It was eight years ago. [Points to a body in the morgue] How did he die?
Ducky: No, it can't be eight years. No, I know it wasn't! Four years ago your third wife hit you over the head with a baseball bat. I distinctly remember the ant-eaten Marine on that table there when I stitched you up.
Abby: Sailor on the half-shell!
Ducky: Oh, Abby, please...
Abby: Sorry.
Gibbs: How could she not know?
Randy: We met at Mark's memorial service.
Gibbs: What'd you say? 'I was passing by, dug the music, decided to drop in?'

High Seas [1.6]

[edit]
Gibbs's voicemail: Gibbs. Talk.
Stan Burley's voicemail message: Gibbs! Stan Burley. Put down whatever the hell you're doing with that stupid boat and pick up! I'm working a case on the Enterprise. Sure could use some help on this one. Really could use your help Boss.
Tony: Five years with Gibbs; I'm amazed the guy didn't end up in a straight jacket.
Gibbs: [on phone] What was that?
Tony: Nothing, boss. Just praising your communication skills.
[Gibbs and Tony, with Kate behind, are making their way to the plane]
Tony: Just accept the fact that you're gonna get lost.
Kate: Why do you assume I'm going to?
Tony: Because everyone does. [Gibbs looks back at Kate] A carrier's a big and confusing place first time on board.
Kate: Duly noted.
Gibbs: Numbers are stenciled on the bulkhead. First one tells you the deck level, they're called bullseyes.
Kate: Deck level.
Gibbs: Second one, the frame number. Third tells the compartment's position in relation to the ship's center line. Last letter tells you what the space is used for.
Tony: Crossing from port to starboard to starboard to port isn't as simple as going straight across.
Gibbs: Sometimes you gotta go up one deck and down another.
Tony: Or down one deck and up another.
Gibbs: Sometimes two.
Tony: Frustrating.
Gibbs: Not to mention confusing. [smiles at Kate] But you'll get the hang of it.
[Kate is looking confused and overwhelmed]
Tony: After you get lost a few times.
[Kate nervously looks on]
Gibbs: Ya know what, I'm trying to help you out here, Petty Officer. You try to float this story at your court martial hearing, they will laugh your ass all the way to Leavenworth!
Kate: Petty Officer!
Sailor: Ma'am?
Kate: You just came out of the urinaloger's office!
Sailor: I hope not! I just had a haircut in there!
Kate: (downhearted) Go on! Tell me how many bulk heads, passage ways and corridors in to go to traverse there!
Sailor: It's right next door!
Kate: Of course it is! Thank you (pissed off) Petty Officer!
Tony: For a crew that doesn't do drugs, you guys sure do a lot of drugs.
Ducky: [to Gerald after reenacting a death] You're supposed to be dead!
Kate: All I'm saying is that... things on the surface are not always the same as when you put them in context with the way they actually developed, you know, under the surface, kinda.
Tony: I have no idea what you said.
Kate: Neither do I. But the intent was sincere.
Gibbs: Above his mattress, below his mattress, inside his mattress. If there’s such a thing as a fourth mattress dimension, go over that too.
Tony: You know, in the two years I've worked for Gibbs, he's never shaken my hand once. Never.
Burley: I was in the office two years before he even looked me in the eye.
Tony: Really!
Burley: Three years before he called me by name, four till he got it right. By then I'd actually gotten used to "Steve". [Burley and Tony laugh] He must really like you.

Sub Rosa [1.7]

[edit]
Kate: [after she spills Gibbs' coffee] What do you put in your coffee?
Gibbs: Coffee.
Kate: Okay...I'll...just go down the hall and get you another cup.
Gibbs: That's...not coffee.
[after Gibbs storms out]
Tony: [to Kate with a worried look] I've never experienced Gibbs without his morning coffee. We're in uncharted waters here, Kate.
[A group of environmental activists are outside the base protesting the use of sonar]
Gibbs: Whale-huggers?
Guard: Yes, sir. Been doing this for weeks.
Gibbs: Why don't you just shoot them?
Guard: I'd be tempted.
Timothy McGee: I've heard stories about Special Agent Gibbs.
Tony: [smiles] Only half of them are true...the trick is figuring out which half.
Gibbs: Let's pay a visit to the submarine squadron commander. [walks away]
McGee: You'll wanna avoid Captain Veech.
Gibbs: [stops in his tracks, turns to McGee] What?
McGee: Um, I met him once before...um, he can be very difficult.
[Gibbs walks towards McGee]
Gibbs: [into McGee's face] And you don't think I could be difficult?
McGee: [intimidated] I'm sure you can, sir.
[Kate and Tony smile at each other]
Kate: [rants to Gibbs] What is this? Victorian England? The men with their cigars and brandy while the ladies sip tea in another room? To replace me because I shave my legs and not my face is unconscionable and certainly not in the best interests of the case.
Gibbs: [calmly] You claustrophobic?
Kate: No.
Gibbs: [smiles] Good. [walks away]
Kate: I'm going?!
Tony: Don't forget to wax.
Gibbs: (puts a bottle of water in front of Kate) Drink.
Kate: What's with all the water?
Gibbs: You got to stay hydrated on a submarine!
Kate: All you've had me doing is hydrating!
Gibbs: Drink it! (after she has drunk a mouthful) So how's your bladder?
Kate: (shocked at her boss asking her that) What?
GIbbs: The COB's at the end of the passageway keeping an eye on us! You've got to distract him! (she looks at him as if to say "carry on") You're gonna need help working the toilet!
Kate: Gibbs...
Gibbs: Kate. On a submarine it's a very complicated piece of machinery!
Kate: Is that why you've been shoving water down my throat for the past hour?
Gibbs: I want to check out Petty Officer Thompson!
Kate: Well you don't have to drown me. You could just ask!
Gibbs: Hydrating's good for ya. Go un-hydrate!
Kate: (turns to face him) I've never heard it called that before!
Gibbs: (shooing her out the door, whispers) Go on!
[after DiNozzo throws a rock through a window to illegally gain entrance to a house]
McGee: That's breaking and entering.
Tony: No. That was breaking... and this is entering.
Kate: [after an emergency blow to the surface aboard a submarine] Wow...
Gibbs: Yeah, that's what they all tell me.
Tony: Listen kid, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you're not exactly Abby's type.
McGee: I've taken care of that. Remember that urge you were talking about?
Tony: [nods] 
McGee: I went with Mom.
Tony: [stands there in shock, realizing McGee just got a tattoo on his butt to impress Abby] 
[Later]
Kate: I wonder what he said to make Tony speechless?
Gibbs: He told him he got a tat on his ass.
Kate: [Gapes at the elevator McGee just entered]

Minimum Security [1.8]

[edit]
Gibbs: See if you can brand the cologne.
Abby: Why, you want some?
Gibbs: Nope, don’t use cologne. The women I date think the smell of sawdust is sexy. Probably why i don’t date many women.
[Tony runs into Gibbs in the elevator and accidentally spills his coffee]
Gibbs: [sternly] You had better have a good reason for spilling my coffee.
Tony: I do. [frantically wiping Gibbs' shirt] I booked us on the first, uh-- [Gibbs smacks Tony's hand] flight to Gitmo tomorrow...
Gibbs: Unbook it.
Tony: Haha! I knew it!
Gibbs: Navy's giving us a priority ride today.
Tony: You mean it? [Gibbs looks at him] You do mean it. Normally I hate priority rides, but who cares if it's going to...
Gibbs: What's wrong with priority rides?
Tony: C'mon boss. You tellin' me you like sitting on canvas seats slung between cargo pallets?
Gibbs: Yeah, it makes me feel like I'm back in the Corps.
[Later]
Tony: [laughs, while on a Gulfstream jet] I love priority rides. Boss, this is the best!
Gibbs: I miss canvas seats.
Gibbs: Did I say both of you?
Kate: Well, you didn't not say both of us, Gibbs.
Tony: Yes, she's kinda got a point there, boss.
Tony: [flirtatiously] Miss me?
Paula Cassidy: Like herpes.
Abby: Perfume is expensive, Gibbs. I can't just hang out at the Macy's tester tray with my lab kit. They frown on that sort of behavior.
[Later on in the investigation]
Abby: Perfume is the most powerful accessory a woman can wear.
Gibbs: How much did all this power cost us?
Abby: Around fifteen hundred.
Gibbs: Fifteen hundred DOLLARS???
Tony: [naked, to an Iguana that crawled into bed with him, with gun drawn] Halt!
[Kate and Gibbs hear him and rush in the room, guns drawn until noticing what happened]
Kate: [speechless]
Gibbs: I need coffee.
Tony: I think Sa'id copied Paula's key without her knowing it.
Gibbs: Now which brain is thinking that, DiNozzo?
Tony: (visibly angry with Gibbs) I'm hitting the rack. 
Abby: Something's wrong. The files are too big.
Ducky: [chuckles] Not just the files.
Abby: My cursor has moved across places that would make Tony blush.
Gibbs: Why is that women always want to fix what doesn't need fixing?
Kate: Makes us feel all warm inside.
Gibbs: So does scotch, but it doesn't cost you a house.
Tony: No!
Kate: It's the only room with a bath! Men take showers and women take baths!
Tony: Why does the woman thing come up when the ship is sinking? (sarcastically) Or when there's one room with a bath!
[Gibbs heads for the room with the bathtub that Kate and Tony were fighting over and throws Kate and Tony's bags into the hallway.]
Gibbs: Talk to ya mañana!

Marine Down [1.9]

[edit]
Tony: Gibbs'll get in. He's got clearance that'll let him see the dead aliens buried in Area 51.
Kate: Because he probably killed them.
Kate: What's your clearance?
Tony: Confidential.
Kate: Confidential? What'd you do? Kill someone in high school?
Tony: Hah. Funny, Kate. They screwed up my paperwork with another agent.
Gibbs: Yeah, DiNozzo died in a car crash last month. Very tragic.
Tony: They yanked my clearance and now I have to take a physical to get it back.
Kate: Why is that?
Tony: To prove that I'm still alive.
Phone Rings
Gibbs: (on phone) Gibbs.
Lisa: (on phone) I don't appreciate being interrogated, Agent Gibbs.
Gibbs: (on phone) Well why don't we start with, who is this?
(Begin Telephone Intercuts)
Lisa: (on phone) Lisa Peary. Don't you think I would have told you if Jim Kidwell called me?
Gibbs: (on phone) Well, exactly who is interrogating you, Mrs. Peary?
Lisa: (on phone) He said his name's Agent DiNozzo.
Gibbs: (on phone) When did this happen?
Lisa: (on phone) He's here right now.
Gibbs: (on phone) Where?
Lisa: (on phone) Coleman Park.
Gibbs: (on phone) I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Does he know...I'm on the phone talking to you?
Lisa: (on phone) No, I don't think so.
Gibbs: (on phone) See if you can't keep him there until I get there.
Gibbs: Mrs. Peary.
Lisa: Ah, I tried to keep him here but I think he knew something was up.
Gibbs: Does this look like the man?
Lisa: Yes. If he doesn't work for NCIS, who does he work for?
Gibbs: I don't know but I promise you I'm going to find out. Which way did he go?
Lisa: Five minutes ago. Wearing a black windbreaker.
Gibbs: Take your kids home. I'll be in touch.
[At the shooting range Gibbs tapes Tony's hat on his target]
Tony: [protesting] Ah c'mon, boss. I've been breaking that cap in for three months. I love that cap.
Kate: Then don't shoot it.
Gibbs: [takes Kate's PDA from her pocket] Back this up? [tapes Kate's PDA to her target]
Kate: [protests] Ah, no no no, Gibbs. Come on, my whole life is in that thing.
Gibbs: [smiles] Then don't shoot it. [walks away]
Kate: [to Tony] If we screw this up, I have a suggestion.
Tony: What?
Kate: We break into Gibbs' basement and set the boat on fire.
Tony: That's cold, Kate. I knew there was a reason I liked you.
Gibbs: Fire. Let's see how you do under pressure.
[Kate and Tony fire some shots before Gibbs gets a call to a crime scene]
Tony: I'll bring the lighter fluid.
Kate: Deal.
[Later in the squad room]
Abby: Very cool. Where can I get one of these? [admires Tony's bullet hole ridden cap]
Tony: You can have that one.
Tony: The eyes need to be bigger.
Kate: The eyes are fine, the nose needs to be bigger.
Tony: Fine, I'll put out an APB for Pinocchio.
Gibbs: Welcome to my world, Abby.
Kate: What does he want the LES for?
Tony: Kate, that's NCIS 101.
Kate: You have no idea.
Tony: Not a clue.
[Gibbs, Tony and Kate are looking at photos of the suspect and victims]
Kate: We know Kidwell was murdered.
Tony: And that lying sack of excrement is somehow involved.
Tony: (eating a sandwich) I would just like to go on the record and say "I really miss the Gulf Stream we took to Gitmo" (notices Kate with her head in a bag so puts his sandwich next to her mouth) You hungry?
Kate: (groans as she's sick some more) Tony! Do I look hungry to you?
Tony: Well, No! Actually you look kind of...
Kate: (gasps) Tell me that's normal!
Tony: That is! (the plane drops suddenly and Kate freaks) Now that I'm not too sure about!
Kate: (groans in fear) How long till we get to Colombia?
Tony: (swallowing his sandwich) Oh not long! (sees Kate's look of relief) Five, six hours tops!
Kate: (swallows a mouthful of water, looks at Gibbs sleeping across from them) Is he really sleeping or is that just an act?
Tony: Oh, he's sleeping.
Kate: How can you tell?
Tony: He looks peaceful.
[Later]
Gibbs: (yawns and stretches) Morning. Sleep well?
Kate: If by "well" you mean violently throwing up all night and being bounced around like rag dolls...
Tony: ...then yes, we slept very well, Boss. Thanks for asking.
Gibbs: You'll get used to it!
Kate: That's what I'm afraid of!
Aircrew: Agent Gibbs? We'll be landing in about fifteen minutes! (passes Gibbs a cup of coffee)
Gibbs: Thanks! My compliments to the pilot!
Kate: (stands up and looks around)
Gibbs: Uh...What ya looking for Kate?
Kate: The ladies room!
Tony: (snickers)
Kate: Okay then the Men's room!
Gibbs: There's no "Men's room".
Kate: Then how the hell am I supposed to go to the bathroom? (Gibbs passes her a plastic bag) Oh no! Forget it! I can wait! (Gibbs smiles at her then she sticks her hand out for the bag) Damn it! Where?
Gibbs: If you want some privacy...I'd go behind those big boxes over there!
Kate: God I miss Air Force One!

Left For Dead [1.10]

[edit]
Tony: Fell asleep working on your boat again?
Gibbs: Why'd you say that, DiNozzo?
Tony: Boss, I know the farm report when I hear it.
Abby: So I suppose you want me to find out what chastity belt this opens.
Gibbs: Do I look like DiNozzo?
Tony: Not funny, boss. Besides I can open a chastity belt.
Abby: Did you ever see one? Mine's awesome, eighteenth century French.
Tony: You have a chastity belt?
Gibbs: So much more information than I need to know about Abby.
Gibbs: Tests? On a Navy ship?
Tony: If I heard there were gonna be tests on a Navy ship you think we'd still be standing here?
Gibbs: Oh, forgot. Your minds work concurrently.
Tony: You remember when I stayed with you that time when it didn't really go so well.
Gibbs: Yeah, I remember, DiNozzo.
Tony: Well, I was younger then, immature, a little unfocused.
Gibbs: It was six months ago, Tony.
Gibbs: [on cell phone] No you will not put her picture on TV. I want whoever did this to think she's still dead. No, Kate, no. Our priority is finding the bomb. [closes phone] She's bonded.
Tony: Kate and Jane Doe?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. She hasn't even questioned her yet, 'Her eyes they just pleaded for help'.
Tony: Love that look in a woman.
Executive: Please tell me Suzanne is not dead.
Tony: Suzanne is not dead.
Executive: [stops typing]
Gibbs: Woops.
Tony: Big woops.
Detective: You're telling me the suits from Hoover didn't save The Man? [referring to the President, as seen in "Yankee White"]
Tony: Hell no it was N-C-I-us.
Detective: Not according to the TV reports.
Tony: When do they get it right?
Tony: We gotta do something, boss.
Gibbs: Have you ever made a mistake, Tony?
Tony: According to you or me?
Gibbs: You.
Tony: Yeah.
Gibbs: Could anyone make you feel better?
Tony: No.
Tony: What is it with the Germans and the alphabet thing? BMW, BMG, BASF...and their all "B's"!
Gibbs: I'm resisting the urge to say cut the BS!

Eye Spy [1.11]

[edit]
Ducky: We have a rising tide.
Gibbs: Okay. DiNozzo?
Tony: Yo!
Gibbs: You and me take measurements. We'll rebuild them later in the lab. Kate, more photos!
Kate: Gotcha.
Gibbs: Gerald, take notes.
Gerald: I'm on it.
Gibbs: Come on, move it!
Ducky: We've got to keep him dry.
Gibbs: I've got the sign.
Tony: I've got the farthest boulder.
Gibbs: Head and feet!
Tony: Fifteen point seven one.
Gibbs: Eleven point three six meters.
Gerald: Fifteen point seven one. Eleven point three six. Got them.
Kate: His dive knife is missing.
Ducky: Yeah, you didn't see this coming, did you, my friend?
(Waves heard in background)
Gibbs:Hey, watch out! Tide!
(Tony dives to stop the water)
Ducky: (Chuckles) Well done, Tony.
Gibbs: Bag him.
Ducky: I've got a spare suit in the van.
Kate: [To a soaking wet and obviously freezing cold DiNozzo] You OK? What is it?
Gibbs: (grinning) Shrinkage.
[Tony enters wearing an NCIS suit]
Tony: [flashes ID and looking embarrassed and uncomfortable] Agent DiNozzo.
Sparks: [laughs] Just can't stop messing with the uniforms can they, sir?
Tony: You know what my dad always said about excuses?
McGee: Yeah. They're like armpits. Everybody has them and they all stink.
Tony: Actually, he used a different part of the anatomy. But yeah, same difference.
Tony: I don't know what you just said, I don't care what you just said, just give me the number. Why is there an asterisk?
McGee: Ummmm, not sure.
Tony: [gives him a look]
McGee: ...sir?
Tony: That wasn't an "add a sir" look. That was a "you better find out why" look.
McGee: Oh.
Tony: It's alright. Rookie mistake.
Kate: [sees Tony coming in Ducky's uniform] Oh my god.
Tony: Don't even, okay.
Kate: Did I say anything?
Tony: You were. I know you were.
Kate: They're a touch small, but other than that, it's fine. And the bonus - no belt.
Tony: Hmmf!
Abby: You're on the air.
Gibbs: Hey Abbs.
Abby: Gibbs. How did we do with the moles?
Gibbs: Spooks, Abby, spooks.
Abby: I can never get that straight.
Gibbs: You still in touch with that old NASA boyfriend?
Abby: He wasn't a boyfriend, he was a boytoy, and yes, we IM almost every day.
Gibbs: You do?
Abby: Oh yeah.
Gibbs: That's good, right?
Abby: It's very good.
[Later, during a video-conference call]
Ashton: Greetings from NASA, NCIS.
Abby: Whoa, Ashton, that was so Star Trek.
Ashton: Sorry, I'm late. I had a cluster of frozen reactor coolant heading for the flight path of an Atlas liftoff. I had to delay the launch. They were not happy about it. I am, however, very happy to see you, Abby, and to help your NCIS crime-fighting colleagues.

[In the background Kate and Tony exchange amazed looks at this entire exchange]

Gibbs: ...and she plays golf left handed.
Kate: Whoa, wait, you could see that the clubs were left handed with just a passing glance?
Gibbs: My second wife played golf left handed.
Kate: So?
Tony: When someone tries to split your skull with a seven iron, it's not a club you soon forget.
Kate: [referring to Tony refusing to answer a woman's calls] Talk to her.
Tony: She'll get the message.
Gibbs: [small smile and nod]
Kate: You know I bet this is why number two came after you with a nine iron, isn't it? You just refused to sit down and talk things through.
Gibbs: Actually that wasn't it at all.
Kate: So what was it, then?
Gibbs: Seven iron.

My Other Left Foot [1.12]

[edit]
Gibbs: [to Tony and Kate] Got humpty dumpty back together again?
Gibbs: I do not believe in coincidences!
Kate: Still no head or left leg.
Abby: Did you check Hooterville?
Tony: Where's Hooterville?
Abby: You guys. Petticoat Junction, Green Acres. Hooterville.
Tony: I prefer TV shows from this century.
Kate: You weren't buying any of it were you?
Gibbs: Any of what?
Kate: You know....her charm.
Gibbs: Is it really that hard to believe, Kate, that I might be attractive to a woman?
Kate: [about Gibbs] Three red-headed ex-wives shows his judgment is a little questionable.
Tony: None of them were murder suspects. Although... I don't know about the redhead who picks him up now and then.
Receptionist: Can I help you?
Tony: [pouring on the charm] I'm sure you can. I'm Special Agent Anthony DiNozzo, NCIS. You can call me Tony. We'd like to talk to Dr. Chalmers, uh, [leans in very close to read her name tag] Darlene.
Receptionist: [melting] Okay.
Kate: Why don't you just give her a breast exam?
Tony: In good time.
Tony: You really like small towns?
Kate: Peace and quiet. A place where people know you by name. No Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner. What's not to like?
Tony: Too quiet, everybody knows your name, there's no Blockbuster and Starbucks on every corner.
Kate: Big cities just can't give you what small towns can, Tony. It's a simpler way of life, a slice of Americana.
Tony: One that doesn't include fifty yard line seats to the Redskins or women with full sets of teeth.
Kate: Yeah it always comes back to that doesn't it?
Tony: See... You do get me.
Gibbs: What do you have?
Tony: A six letter word for a reason to commit a crime...
Gibbs: DiNozzo...
Tony: That's seven letters.
Gibbs: Works for me. What do you got?
Melissa: No Mama. They can prove everything. About the Digitalis, about how you cut Tommy into little pieces! (screams as her mom slaps her around the face)
Mama: Poor girl’s out of her mind. You can’t use any of this in court.
Gibbs: She was read her Miranda Rights and she waived them. We can use it and we will.
Mama: You little fool. They couldn’t prove anything!
Melissa: I don’t care anymore Mama! I love Tommy and you killed him!

One Shot, One Kill [1.13]

[edit]
Gibbs: Can we hurry it up? I don't think Gunnery Sergeant Alvarez would appreciate being seen like this.
Ducky: You knew the man?
Gibbs: [deadpan] No.
Ducky: [to corpse] If it's any consolation, Gunny, Gibbs is the absolute best we've got.
Ducky: [speaking to corpse] That's the problem today isn't it. The technological advances of the so-called internet generation, with their MP3 players, their iPods and video games, spinning themselves into a self-induced state of attention deficit disorder, barely absorbing one cluster of information before the next one strikes their fancy.
Tony: You think he'd let me borrow his uniform for a weekend?
Kate: I don't know. I just hope I'm there when you ask him.
[Inside Abby's lab]
Gibbs: Why are all these dolls naked?
Tony: Don't look at me, Boss. Must be a goth thing.
Gibbs: Got something for ya! (dumps folders in front of Kate)
Kate: (sarcastically) Okay...what is it!
Gibbs: Eight years of Sgt. Alvarez's files. Sorted into category!
Kate: Which are?
Gibbs: Gonna leave that part up to you!
Kate: Oh, Come on Gibbs! At least tell me what i'm looking for!
Gibbs: The same thing we're all looking for Kate! (walks out) A murderer!
Kate: (dumps her pen on her desk) Why didn't I take the damn dolls!
Kate: (as she is watching Tony try and use chopsticks) Relax your hand or you're never gonna get it in your mouth!
Tony: (as another bundle of noodles slip out of the chopsticks) I'm trying but the thing's too damn slippery!
Kate: Never gonna impress a girl that way!
Tony: Oh Whatever! Just the next time we do this Kate make sure they (drops more noodles) don't forget the forks! (Kate smiles as she successfully puts noodles in her mouth) No-one like a show-off! (after he fails again at eating noodles) Okay. Screw this! You got any soup? (Kate passes it over carefully as it's hot) Ah...thanks!
Gibbs: (getting out the elevator) That had better not be mine, DiNozzo!
Tony: (freezes) Gibbs ordered soup? (glares silently at Kate who nods smugly) Great! (as Gibbs glares at him) If it's any consolation it's not very good!
Gibbs: (stares at the noodles) Whose chow mein?
Kate: (with noodles in her mouth) Tony's!
Gibbs: (takes the box) Good!
Tony: You're gonna like this one, Boss. One guy wanted to be a paramedic - Sgt. Alvarez told him the Marine Corps would "train him to save lives." [Gibbs laughs]
Kate: What's wrong with that?
Gibbs: The Marine Corps doesn't have medical personnel.
Tony: They're all Navy.
Gibbs: Technically it is correct, Marines do save lives. Mostly through the use of superior firepower.
Tony: Come to think of it, you never told us why you enlisted, Boss.
Gibbs: That's because it's personal.
Kate: You think his recruiter told him a fast one?
Tony: I doubt it.
Kate: Why?
Tony: Can you imagine someone lying to Gibbs and getting away with it?
Gibbs: Hey DiNozzo, kinda reminds me of your apartment, except for that minty fresh urine smell.
Tony: Hey, for your information I have a maid now.
Gibbs: You can afford a maid?
Tony: It's amazing what you can do when you don't have to pay three alimonies.
Kate: Next time drive a little faster, Tony. I think my glands still have an ounce of adrenaline left.
Tony: Response to a crime scene investigation demands a timely arrival, Kate.
Kate: It would help if the investigators didn't puke all over it.
Gibbs: Brings back memories.
Kate: Memories of what?
Gibbs: Marriage.
Tony: You're not the only one who knows how to profile.
Kate: Maybe. But with that haircut you wouldn't pass for an ROTC student. [smiles at Tony]
[Tony is undercover as an electrician installing sensor bugs in the electric poles for the undercover operation]
Tony: Gibbs gets dress blue charlies. I look like one of the Village People.
Abby: [via Tony's earpiece] [laughs] Maybe you can find a local cop and get a dance routine going.
Gibbs: Major, your mission is to protect our country. Our mission right now is to protect you and your Marines. Allow us the honor of doing our job.

The Good Samaritan [1.14]

[edit]
Gibbs: Anything Abby?
Abby: This is the left rear tire off Commander Julius's car. Notice anything unusual?
Gibbs: It's inflated.
Abby: Is that a guess, or do you actually know where I'm going with this?
Gibbs: What do you think?
Abby: Well, I don't know, that's why I asked you.
Gibbs: Why don't you just tell me?
Abby: So you don't know.
Gibbs: I want to make sure you know.
Abby: Hmmmm.
Gibbs: Hmmmm.
Abby: We should play poker sometime.
Gibbs: Yeah, we should.
Tony: I love everything Swiss! Knives, cheese... the Alps! I even like ABBA!

Enigma [1.15]

[edit]
Kate: Do all Marines build boats?
Tony: Only the ones who've been married a few times.
Kate: Why's that?
Tony: The rest of them can afford to buy one.
[Tony, Kate, and Gibbs are sitting in wait against their car after Gibbs claims he saw a bomb in the house they were searching]
Tony: Are you sure it was a bomb, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Yes, DiNozzo. For the last time... I'm sure it was a bomb.
Tony: If you say so. EOD sure taking their sweet time getting here.
[Van arrives with Ducky and Gerald]
Ducky: Sorry we're late. Gerald got us lost several times.
Gerald: Me? You had the map.
Gibbs: We have our own problems here, Ducky.
Ducky: Yeah, I can see that. FBI take over our crime scene again?
Kate: Gibbs thought he saw a bomb.
Gibbs: [annoyed] What do you mean 'thought'?
Kate: Do I really have to say it?
Gibbs: Say what?
Ducky: Yes, Kate. Say what?
Kate: You need glasses, Gibbs. Are you happy?
[behind them, the house suddenly explodes, sending everyone exclaiming to the ground]
Gibbs: [slowly lifting his head] Sorry. I didn't quite catch that last part...
FBI Agent Charles: You're under arrest.
Gibbs: For what?
Charles: Pissing off the FBI.
Gibbs: Get used to it.
Tony: [on the phone with Gibbs] Where the hell are you? Fornell's here with a warrant for your arrest.
Gibbs: Well, good thing I'm not there then.
Gibbs: Tony, touch my cell phone again, I'll break your fingers. (The Elevator door closes)
Kate: (Attempts to reassure) You know he really does like you.

Bête Noire [1.16]

[edit]
Ducky: (to Ari Haswari) I look forward to weighing your liver.
Ari: You tried to trick me Dr. Mallard.
Ducky: That wasn't a condition.
Ari: It is now.
Gerald: I never figured anyone who could sleep in a coffin could have a phobia but it's the kind of kinky thing Abby would get.
Ari: She slept in a coffin?
Ducky: She's goth.
[Ari shudders]
Tony: What's up Abbs?
Abby: Something's...
Tony: Hinky?
Ari: How do you alert visitors when conducting an infectious autopsy?
Ducky: We hang a decomposing body in the corridor.
Tony: I need all the evidence I signed in this morning, Charlene.
Evidence Clerk Charlene: What?
Tony: The evidence I signed in. NOW!
Ari: Any good with this gun, Caitlin?
Kate: Give it back and I'll demonstrate.
Ari: Ever fire it in anger?
Kate: I'd love to right now.

The Truth Is Out There [1.17]

[edit]
Kate: [irritated] Tony! I'm not thinking about that damn terrorist.
Tony: Sorry.
Kate: Look at Gibbs. He's been growling like a wounded bear since that night.
Tony: Well, he is wounded and he always growls like a bear. It's his way of never letting anyone know when he's hurting. Yours is to be moody.
Kate: I'm not moody!
Tony: Oh, what do you call it. I feel sorry for whatever his name is.
Kate: Sorry?
Tony: Yeah. Wouldn't want Gibbs on my ass.
Kate: We're never gonna see that guy again.
Tony: Maybe not. But Gibbs will.
Ducky: I want that terrorist on my table, Jethro.
Abby: The car that hit Gordon was definitely a Taurus.
Gibbs: You're positive?
Abby: Absolutely... unless it was a Mercury Sable.
Tony: 40-mile zone ended 2 miles back, Boss. Limit’s 65... I only mention it because you usually drive slightly faster than Dale Earnhardt, Jr.
Abby: Not unless he grew up in Dorkville.
Gibbs: Grew up just west of there.
Abby: I dated this guy once who just wanted me to bounce up and down on a balloon.
Gibbs: OK, stop.
Abby: I don't know. Guys have all sorts of strange rituals before they go out. This one guy, he does a full upper body workout just seconds before his date just so he can be pumped.
Gibbs: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby: Does Tony know that you know?
Abby: Hey Gibbs. Do you have any fetishes?
Gibbs: I've got three ex wives. I can't afford fetishes.
Gibbs: That's apples and oranges.
Abby: [grins] There's a fetish for that, too.
Tony: Guy was really interested in reality shows. Real World, Simple Life, Punk'd...
Gibbs: Punk'd?
Kate: Geez, Gibbs. Even I know what Punk'd is.
Tony: It's an MTV show where they play tricks on celebrities while secretly filming it.
Gibbs: Like Candid Camera.
Tony: What's Candid Camera?

UnSEALed [1.18]

[edit]
Abby: That's what I love about you, Gibbs, always one finger ahead.
Abby: Stained glass. That's very spiritual, Gibbs.
Tony: [As Tommy Lee Jones] Ladies and gentlemen. I want a hard-target search of every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, doghouse and outhouse in the area. You got that? Good! Now turn off those cameras and get out of the way!
McGee: Accent's still not right.
Tony: Damn.
Gibbs: He could have gone to a vet.
Kate: Tony's marking that territory.
Tony: Ha-ha. Cute.
Tony: Houston. The cell phone has landed.
Tony: She sleeps with a gun under her pillow, boss.
Gibbs: That true?
Kate: Maybe... sometimes... yes.
Gibbs: Good girl!
Kate:: You were a boy scout?
Tony:: Cub.
Kate:: Ha. What'd they kick you out for?
Tony:: Tryin' to score brownie points.
Gibbs: [catches McGee looking at him] What the hell are you doing?
McGee: Um..
Gibbs: Can you form a sentence, Agent McGee?
McGee: The NCIS investigator was Agent Clay Williamson, sir.
Gibbs: That's a good sentence.
McGee: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Tony: Really a lot.
Abby: (about the security guard's excuse for losing his card) He said his dog ate it!
Gibbs: (laughs) That didn't work for me in 6th grade!
Abby: (stares) Well, you're a late bloomer, Gibbs. It didn't work me in the 2nd!
Defense Lawyer: That's why women aren't allowed in the SEALs!
Faith: Why? Because we think with the head on our shoulders?
Abby: (laughs at their argument) Whoa! (they all turn to stare) Remind you of anyone?
Kate and Tony (as Gibbs smiles) No!
Abby: (half-heartedly) Yeah, I didn't think so!
Faith: I want to be kept up-to-date with everything!
Kate: Certainly!
Defense Lawyer: Afraid you sent an innocent man to prison?
Faith: Innocent or not. I still kicked your ass!
Tony: The defense lawyer told me to "shove it". The message was actually delivered by his assistant, but he's sure it was verbatim.
Gibbs: I want him here DiNozzo.
Tony: Boss he's no longer a JAG. He's a $400-an-hour Beltway lawyer. (pauses awkwardly) With really nice shoes!
Gibbs: DiNozzo, I don't care! I don't care if he's wearing Armani, Prada or Ermen-something-Zenga...get his ass here!
Tony: Ermenegildo Zegna, Boss. Just so you know!
[Tony brings in the defense lawyer in handcuffs who is arguing with him and being uncooperative]
Defense Lawyer: I'm gonna own your house Agent DiNozzo!
Tony: [sarcastically] I rent.
Defense Lawyer: [loudly] You know what the federal minimums are for aggravated assault on the cover of authority, kidnapping, false imprisonment...?!
Tony: [leads him to Gibbs' desk] Well, ya know. I don't, but I'm sure my boss Special Agent Jethro Gibbs does.
Gibbs: [smirks] Very subtle DiNozzo.
Tony: [smiles at the defense lawyer] Shooting him just seems so ham-fisted.
Gibbs: [deadpan] Whatever it takes.
Gibbs: Uncuff him, DiNozzo, so he can say hi to an old friend!
Faith: I prefer him in cuffs!
Defense Lawyer: I wish I'd known that when we were at JAG!
[Gibbs is interrogating Commander Foley. Kate and Tony are watching in the observation room.]
Gibbs: You testified on his behalf at the trial. You certainly seemed to be sympathetic to his situation.
Foley: Situation?
Gibbs: Coming home and finding his wife in the bedroom with another guy?
Foley: Well, wouldn't that bother you?
Gibbs: Oh yeah. It bothered me a hell of a lot. Only I chose divorce over murder.
Kate: I didn't know that!
Tony: He's lying. Establishing rapport through shared communication.
Kate: You sure he's lying?
Tony: Of course I'm-- [pauses] Not.
Gibbs: I was coming home from a three-month float in the Med. Not six months in a war zone.
[...]
[There is a knock on the door and McGee enters interrogation room]
McGee: Uh sorry. Can I see you for a second, Boss?
Tony: [stunned] Oh, I can't believe I'm seeing what I'm seeing.
Gibbs: Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
Tony: [smiles] I don't know Boss. Are you thinking what I think you're thinking?
Gibbs: [grins] Yeah.

Dead Man Talking [1.19]

[edit]
Abby: Amanda is Voss!
Gibbs: [shocked] She's a he?!
Kate: [stunned] Oh my god, Tony's on a date with a guy.
Gibbs: [on the phone with Tony] She's a he, bone head!!
Gibbs: [has his SIG-Sauer pointed at the head of Amanda Reed] His name was Special Agent Chris Pacci. And he was a friend.
Kate: Speaking of way beyond hinky...
Tony: Okay, Kate. I can take it.
Kate: What was it like, tonguing a guy?
Tony: [deep breath] I can't take it.

Missing [1.20]

[edit]
[Tony is playing a computer game]
Kate: Very professional.
Tony: It's my lunch break.
Kate: It's 9:30 in the morning.
Tony: I'm on Greenwich Mean Time.
Kate: You're gonna be on unemployment if Gibbs catches you doing that.
Gibbs: [walks in] Catch him doing what Kate? [Kate quickly switches his game off while Tony grabs a stack of papers and pretends to be busy]
Kate: Nothing! I was just giving Tony some fashion advice.
Gibbs: On what?
Kate: Oh he was just thinking about...getting both his ears pierced. [Tony glares at her]
Gibbs: Is that right DiNozzo?
Tony: I think you misunderstood Boss. What I meant was elongating the lobe--
Gibbs: Hey, you look like a gay pirate, that's your call. [Tony grimaces]
[...]
Gibbs: [...] and Tony, if that game is still on your computer in the morning I'll pierce your ears myself.
Kate: You were pretty tough on her in there.
Gibbs: Yeah...she reminds me of my ex-wife.
Tony: Which one?
Gibbs: All of them.
[Tony, Kate and Gibbs are stuck in a traffic jam]
Tony: Rush hour. A misnomer if you ask me.
Gibbs: [deadpan] I didn't.
Tony: It's not like anybody's rushing anywhere and it always takes more than an hour. They should call it--
Gibbs: Shut-up-and-sit-there-before-I-shoot-you hour.
Tony: I was thinking of something a little shorter.
[Tony slurps on his drink. Gibbs loses his patience and throws Tony's drink out the window.]
Tony: That's littering.
Gibbs: Fine me.
Gibbs: You two might want to cover your-- [behind them a bomb explodes, sending Tony and Kate to the ground while Gibbs continues walking] ears.
Tony: Boss, is there a reason why you always take these back roads?!
Kate: 'Cause you just hate us?
Gibbs: I hate traffic more!
Tony: Remember the good ol' days, Kate?
Kate: What good old days?
Tony: When Gibbs would confide in us and treat us like peers.
Kate: (incredulously) No.
Tony: Good. I thought it was just me.
Kate: Look, just don't take any chances, ok? I mean, if we're right about Sacco, he's got more than a screw loose.
Tony: Aww. Here I was thinking you didn't care.
Kate: It's not about caring. If anything happens to you, I'm gonna be stuck working here with Gibbs alone.
Tony: It's not that bad. A little grumpy sometimes--
Gibbs: [from the back of the squad room] Hey! DiNozzo! You still here?
Tony: Then again you may be onto something there.
Abby: What do you think, Kate?
Kate: Well, I just think you're suffering the effects of your party last night.
Abby: All I drank was Redbull!
Kate: How many?
Abby: (slight pause) Eighteen.
[Gibbs' phone rings, Gibbs answers] Hey.
Tony: Gibbs.
Gibbs: What's up?
Tony: Sacco's just left the bar. I'm-- [Tony stumbles as his vision gets blurry. Turning, he realizes he's been drugged] Uh...Uhh...I'm not feeling so well.
Gibbs: Tony? You okay? [Kate looks up from her paperwork]
Tony: I think I screwed up, boss. [Tony falls on his stomach, dropping the phone. Tony tries to use his car as leverage to stand, but the drugs have affected him.]
Gibbs: Hey! DiNozzo, can you hear me?
[Tony grabs his keys, but they fumble in his hands and fall to the ground.]
Gibbs: Hey, Tony!
[Tony pulls out his gun but can't aim it properly and finally falls to the ground on his back. The suspect approaches and takes his gun and Tony is dragged away.]
Gibbs: Tony! Tony, can you hear me?! We're coming for you!
Kate: Do we know how big his unit was?
Abby: We could ask him, but in my experience most men lie about that point.
[Indistinct yelling.]
Kate: Thank god Tony is still alive.
[Gibbs gives her a questioning look.]
Kate: Who else you know who pisses people off like that?
[Tony, Kate and Gibbs are in the elevator]
Tony: Admit it. You were worried about me, right?. You don't have to say anything. I know. [Gibbs pretends to ignore him] Ok, I want you to say it. You care, right?
[exit elevator]
Tony: So, you're saying you don't care?
Gibbs: Tony, as far as I'm concerned, you're irreplaceable. [smiles]
Tony: I knew it. I knew behind the whole Marine thing you really are heart.
Gibbs: [to McGee] Forget about it, McGee. He's still alive.
[Tony is annoyed to find McGee sitting at his desk.]
Kate: It's 6:30 in the morning! How can you eat that stuff?
Gibbs: (with his mouth full) Practice!

Split Decision [1.21]

[edit]
[Gibbs and Ducky are examining the corpse]
Ducky: As they say in the high country markets of Sri Lanka, there's more than one way to skin a mongoose. Actually there are three...
Gibbs: [interrupts Ducky] Ducky!
Tony: You weren't seriously going to let her shoot me, were you?
Gibbs: Nah.
Tony: You had a plan, right?
Gibbs: [unconvincingly] Yeah.
Tony: [shocked to find McGee sitting at Gibbs' desk] McGee! Are you nuts?
McGee: What?
Tony: You're at Gibbs' desk touching his computer! That's like touching the Ark of the Covenant!
McGee: Gibbs knows I'm doing this.
Tony: He said you could use his computer?
McGee: [nods head] Uh-huh.
Tony: Really? You know when mine fried he wouldn't let me touch his.
Gibbs: [walks into squad room] Because your fingers are always greasy from fried chicken and pizza.
Tony: How old am I?
Kate: Based on chronology or maturity?
Abby: Don't be silly, ATF lady.
Gibbs: [describing the watch he is putting on] It's a locator. I won't activate it unless they move us.
Tony: [in a Sean Connery accent] Very James Bond - does it tell time, too?
Tony: I really liked her.
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder - what's not to like?
Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she had good qualities as well.
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they?
Tony: I love Gus! It's very strong! What do you have to go with it?
Abby: Louis?
Tony: Gus Louis? It kinda sounds like a salad!
Abby: How about Bricker?
Tony: Gus Bricker. It's a tough one! Gibbs said to put some Military in the background.
Abby: Dishonorable discharge of course!
Tony: How about some time in Leavenworth?
Abby: What's the crime?
Tony: Something that fits my persona
Abby: How about violating Federal Obscenity Laws?
Tony: No! I mean my new sleazy gun running profile!
Abby: Drugs are always a safe bet!
Tony: Yeah. Drugs?
Abby: Got 3 to 5 paroled out on 2!
Tony: There is no justice in this world Abs!
[edit]
Gibbs: What if I wanted to get into that account?
Kate: (shrugs) Get a search warrant for the servers.
Gibbs: We don't have time for a warrant. What's a quicker way?
Kate: Hack into the servers.
[Gibbs tilts a brow and smiles.]
Kate: Can't believe I just said that. I would have never suggested that before I started working here.
Gibbs: You're welcome.

Reveille [1.23]

[edit]
Abby: You should wake him!
McGee: What if he needs the rest?
Abby: He's not resting! His eyes are disco dancing under those lids!
McGee: They brought it back!
Abby: It's Gibbs so it never left!
Gibbs: He stay at your place?
Abby: Yup.
Gibbs: You sleep in the coffin, McGee?
McGee: Coffin? You said that it was a box sofa bed.
Abby: Well... it is! Sort of...
McGee: That's why you wouldn't turn the lights on. I can't believe I just slept in a coffin.
Abby: ...Not just slept.
Abby: Okay...make him older than mummy dust! (the image changes) Oh that's so cool! Now make him a young guy on his first date! (the image changes again) Hm...he wasn't a late bloomer like you McGee! (the image changes again) He's cute!
McGee: (frowning) You think?
Abby: (noticing his frown) Oh (walks towards him) Not cuter than you!
McGee: (as she puts her arm around his neck he smiles bashfully) Abs! (laughs) I'm trying to work!
Abby: (regretting it) Sorry!
McGee: (blushes) No I like it but uh...(admits his feelings) I can't concentrate!
Abby: Okay (walks backwards) What if watched (starts yelling) FROM ALL THE WAY OVER...(backs into Gibbs and jumps forward)
John: John, Ag Department.
Kate: Kate, NCIS.
John: Hi... really?
Kate: Yes. Why?
John: I've never seen you and I'm at NCIS twice a month.
Kate: You are?
John: Yes, I specialize in hail and storm damage.
Kate: What NCIS do you think I'm with?
John: National Crop Insurance Service.
Gibbs: That's us, she's a wiz on how corn losses affect pork belly futures.
Kate: That's my boss - weird sense of humor. [later, to Gibbs] "How corn losses affect pork belly futures?"
Gibbs: Rule number seven: always be specific when you lie.
Tony: McGee said you wanted to see me. Actually, he said I was under house arrest, but I figured that was just your way of making a point.
Gibbs: Do I have to tell you the name of the creek you're up without a paddle? Or how deep it is?
Tony: Up to my knees?
Gibbs: I see you're familiar with this particular creek.
Tony: I'm sorry I took a long lunch, Boss, but I'm not working a hot case.
Gibbs: What's a hot case to you, DiNozzo? Shadowing a tight ass?
Tony: That's not fair, Boss.
Gibbs: War is not fair! And we are at war. Until I dismiss you, which could be any moment now, you will fight that war 24/7. That includes eating, sleeping, taking a crap. Got that?
Tony: Yes, Boss. Can I say something?
Gibbs: Only if it has something to do with that bastard I'm after!
Tony: It does.
Gibbs: Then speak!
Tony: Boss... You've really gotta see Moby Dick.
Tony: Well, what's wrong, other than the Hamas guy?
Gibbs: The Hamas guy! You know: the terrorist, the bastard, the ass! We call him everything but his name. You know why that is?
Tony: Because we don't know his name?
Gibbs: Because you're not working a hot case. I want his name! I want it today! And don't tell me it's Moby Dick!
Kate: [regarding the terrorist who shot Gerald and Gibbs] Why did he give you a shot at him?
Gibbs: He needs to face death to feel alive. Maybe, to feel anything.
Fornell: Directors want your word that you'll forget about Ari. They think you'll blow his cover.
Gibbs: If I get pay back, it won't be by blowing his cover. Why are you asking me this and not my director?
Fornell: He refused to.
Gibbs: [finally laughs] Yeah.
Abby: Would you be any less grumpy if you slept in a bed?
Gibbs: No!
Abby: I didn't think so!
[edit]
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