NCIS (season 12)

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Twenty Klicks [12.1][edit]

Kill the Messenger [12.2][edit]

[Tony looks on as Bishop removes the mug shot of Benham Parsa from the "Most Wanted" wall]
Tony: You're gonna keep it as a souvenir?
Bishop: [looks at photo] Oh yeah. I've got the perfect place for it. [tosses it into the recycling bin]

[Victim's phone starts ringing]
Tony: [answers] Hello....you first, who is this? [smirks] C'mon, stop being a wise-ass, who's this? [face turns serious] Uh, yes sir. Hold on a second. [to Gibbs] You'd better take this, boss. It's the President...of the United States...of America.

McGee: You mind if we search it?
Dunn: Yeah. Yeah, I do. I need probable cause. I don't think you meet that threshold.
McGee: [looks at Gibbs in amusement] You a law student?
Dunn: Criminology major
Gibbs: Good. But today you're gonna get a practical education to see how the system really works firsthand.

[McGee's cellphone is ringing]
Tony: [looks at phone] Delilah! A videochat!
[Tony grins as he answers the call, then...]
Tony: [horrified] Oh my god, you're very naked!
[Delilah is heard screaming from the phone speaker]
Tony: Uh, sorry! [turns off phone]
Gibbs: [matter-of-factly] Teach you not to answer other people's phones, DiNozzo.

So It Goes [12.3][edit]

[Abby asked Tony and Bishop to do a background check on a park ranger from the previous episode]
Bishop: We also have his yearly salaries, favorite bands and his political positions on everything from the Middle East to Middle-earth.
Tony: Which he's a big fan of, by the way.
Abby: I can handle Middle Earth.

Ducky: All I'm saying is that you'd want to be evaluated for sleep apnea.
Bishop: It's called snoring, ok? And you did your fair share while I was trying to sleep, too.

[Ducky's flashback to his time has a young medical doctor]
Girl: [to Ducky] It's time to update your wardrobe. You're a medical doctor, not Doctor Who.

[Ducky's flashback]
Ducky: [on the phone with his mother] Hello? Doctor Mallard....How should I know?! [exasperated] I'm a doctor, not a veterinarian, Mother!....Hello? Hello? [to his friends] Bloody corgis got into the liquor cabinet again!

Godfrey: [sees Ducky brandishing a decades-old scalpel] And what are you gonna do with that? Give me a paper cut?
Ducky: [nonchalantly] I doubt the blade is clean. Infections can be deadly.
Godfrey: Give me that knife.
[Ducky cuts Godfrey's arm]
Godfrey: [looks down at his arm] This was my favorite suit.

Maggie: Why didn't you ever marry? You had so much love to give.
Ducky: A colleague, a very good friend of mine, lost his soulmate. And then he nearly wrecked his life marrying the wrong woman over and over, trying to find her again. I...chose to skip that part.

Choke Hold [12.4][edit]

Bishop: [catches Tony and McGee reading a men's magazine] You don't have to change the subject. I'm not the sex police.
Tony: How kind you are.
Bishop: Um, hello? I'm married. I have more sex than the two of you combined.
Tony: From what I hear, that's not how that works.

McGee: I read somewhere that NASA's sending data to the moon at 662 megabits per second. Word is, if by using each color on the light spectrum, that transfer speed could be multiplied. [Dr. Havana stares at McGee] Johns Hopkins. And MIT.
Bishop: Humblebrag.
Dr. Havana: Don't worry, I'm a Caltech man. Sworn enemies don't get extra credit.
Bishop: Aren't both of your mascots beavers?
[McGee and Dr. Havana stare at Bishop]

[The Secretary of the Navy is waiting for Gibbs and Vance in a basement men's restroom]
Secretary: [looks at the row of urinals] How do you do it? It's like pigs at a trough.
Gibbs: In some places it really is a trough, ma'am. [he and Vance look at each other] Fenway, Wrigley...
Vance: Mm-hmm, mostly stadiums.

Agent Pendergrast: [to the NCIS team] Call me Leia
Tony: Like the princess.
Agent Pendergrast: I hate Star Wars.
Tony: [takes offense] Nobody hates Star Wars!
Agent Pendergrast: [smirks] You do when you're named Leia, Agent DiNozzo.

Agent Pendergrast: [to Gibbs] If half of what I heard about NCIS is true, you guys must have something the FBI doesn't.

Abby: Who are you what are you doing here and who's the twenty-seventh President of the United States?

Tony: [flirting with Agent Pendergrast] You know what "Tony" is spelled backwards? Y not?

The San Dominick [12.5][edit]

McGee: The trainee returns. How did it go?
Bishop: [glumly] I won't talk about it.
McGee: That good, huh?

Gibbs: What's your name?
Petty Officer Felton: Petty Officer Felton
Gibbs: What's your first name?
PO Felton: Patricia
Gibbs: call you Patty?
[PO Felton groans]
Gibbs: [grins] You hate being called Patty.

Bishop: What'd we do...boss?
McGee: Please stop calling me that.

Abigail Borin: It's Hostage Negotiation 101, DiNozzo. Keep them stalled, keep them calm, keep them talking.
Tony: [grins] Just like dating. [Borin glares at him]

Ducky: [talking to the corpse in his autopsy room] I know in the end we all must die. I'm not a religious person but I find desecration of the human body to be positively indecent.
McGee: [walks in holding coffee] Parents aren't known for their decency, Duck.
Ducky: [stares at McGee, speechless] Uh....
McGee: Is something wrong?
Ducky: No, Timothy but I request that you dispense with the coffee before joining me.

Abby: Gosh, I just got chills.
McGee: Why is that?
Abby: You're just....changing...right in front of our eyes. Your gruff manner, your clipped replies. You're no longer McGee. You're McGibbs.

Tony: It's like Diehard on a ship.

Tony: Hey...still here, Borin? Admit it, I'm growing on you.
Borin: Like a barnacle.

Tony: 35 seconds...running out of time, Boss.
Gibbs: Jaime, you've got two choices. You drop the weapon and I diffuse the bomb. Or I shoot you and I diffuse the bomb.
[...]
Tony: The bomb thing, that was kinda fun right. Next time, you might want to give us a heads up tough, because I didn't pack a diaper.

Tony: [enters squad room and sees McGee working at his desk] Well, McGee, I just want you to know I'm proud of you. You didn't blow anything up and there were no international incidents.


Parental Guidance Suggested [12.6][edit]

Bishop: It's not that I don't want to dress up, ok? It's....it's just that Jake and I can't agree on a costume.
Tony: Phew...marriage. Here we go. [Bishop glares at him] Halloween used to be a single guy's paradise. Now it's been twisted and co-opted into some kind of couples thing.

Tony: What can I say? Women find me alluring.

[The team are out under cover with Tony and Bishop posing as yoga practitioners]
Bishop: Didn't know you practiced yoga.
Tony: Oh yeah, balanced mind, balanced life. I've been reading Sting's biography. He's a Renaissance man.
McGee: [via microphone] Please, I just ate.
Tony: I reject your negative energy, McGee.

The Searchers [12.7][edit]

Ducky: Today is a difficult day.
Bishop: It is?
Palmer: You've been training for nine months now. Nine months! Magical time frame isn't it? To think, in three months, Breena and I are gonna have our own little human [Ducky rolls his eyes] who hopefully enjoys long walks. [notices Bishop and Ducky] Sorry, this is about you.

Tony: Money...the root of all evil.

Abby: Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs, Gibbs! I have news, I have lots of news, I have big news.

Tony: [about the cat he adopted] He's like the feline version of me.

McGee: Abs, I have pulled two all-nighters in a row and I've nothing left to give.
Palmer: [enters Abby's lab with two Caf-Pows] I have two things left to give and they're both Caf-Pows. [hands Abby and McGee the drinks] Pow! Pow!
Abby: Jimmy, you are a lifesaver. [glares at McGee] You. Drink.

Price: [while being handcuffed by Tony] It was self-defense. I wouldn't dare...I was just scaring him, he came at me. I'm telling you, it was self-defense.
Gibbs: You gave him false hope. You murdered a United States Marine. There is no defense for that.

Semper Fortis [12.8][edit]

Grounded [12.9][edit]

Bishop: [to a woman looking at the snow outside the window] Pretty, isn't it?
Woman: [turns to look at Bishop] Oh, yes dear. It's just lovely. [smiles at Bishop, who returns the smile] It's lovely how it turned a one-hour drive into three, soaked a brand new pair of my shoes right down to the toes. Simply spectacular.
Bishop: Well, at least you'll be getting away from it for the holiday.
Woman: I'm going to Calgary.

Tony: Flight delays make nice people cranky and cranky people crankier.

[Ducky and Palmer walk into the hotel room (crime scene) covered in snow]
Ducky: It ain't a fit night out for man nor beast.
Palmer: And yet I'm the one who had to get out and push the van, Shakespeare.
Ducky: That was W. C. Fields, Mr. Palmer, in The Fatal Glass of Beer. And I predict you will be pushing it again on the way back.

Jake: Gees, when you're looking for bad guys––
Tony: ––they all look like bad guys.

House Rules [12.10][edit]

Check [12.11][edit]

[in an eerie reprise of Season 10's "Devil's Trifecta", McGee enters Gibbs's house and find him and Rebecca asleep on the couch, entwined (albeit fully clothed)]
McGee: [whispering urgently] Boss? Boss!
Diane: [entering] How long does it take to...? [sees] Holy Fourth of July Weenie Roast, WHAT THE HELL AM I LOOKING AT?!

The Enemy Within [12.12][edit]

We Build, We Fight [12.13][edit]

Cadence [12.14][edit]

Cabin Fever [12.15][edit]

Blast From the Past [12.16][edit]

The Artful Dodger [12.17][edit]

Status Update [12.18][edit]

Patience [12.19][edit]

No Good Deed [12.20][edit]

Lost in Translation [12.21][edit]

Troll [12.22][edit]

The Lost Boys [12.23][edit]

[Tony and Bishop meet with arms dealer Agah Bayar.]
Bishop: We need you to reach out to your contacts, and find out who's seeking these S-mines. We need locations on these people.
Agah Bayar: Yes, well I did some research of my own, dear heart. And I know that you're after The Calling, and The Calling's after the children.
Tony: That's right.
Agah Bayar: [taps the folder Tony brought] My mother is flawed, but she's my own. And if you ever threaten her again, my response won't be civil. I'll help you. But your efforts were wasted. I would've helped you without payment and without blackmail.
Bishop: Why?
Agah Bayar: Women and children first. It was an absolute we could always agree upon. When babies are used in the wars of men... then God help us all.

Neverland [12.24][edit]

External links[edit]

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