The Loud House (season 7)

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The Loud House (2016–present) is an American animated television series created by Chris Savino for Nickelodeon. The series revolves around the chaotic everyday life of an accident-prone boy named Lincoln Loud, who survives as the middle child and only son in a large family of 11 children.

Episode 1


Waking History [7.1a]

Todd: You are just going to reanimate her anyway, aren't you?
Lisa: Todd, we have a scientific obligation to solve the universe's greatest mysteries. And if that leads to a museum wing being named after me, who am I to quibble?
Todd: But how are we going to do it?
Lisa: Dr. Alvarez will be out for her volleyball tournament tomorrow. It'll be the perfect time. We'll go early, before the museum opens. Looking forward to meeting you, prehistoric woman.

Pranks Fore Nothing [7.1b]

Raj: [sitting on his knees] No! Not the Prank War! It is the bane of my existence every year. No matter how hard we try we never even come close to beating the Sand Trap team. [groans] They're just too good!
Ewan: The worst part is that the losing team has to clean the winners toilets for a month.
Lori: Well, save your plungers, people, because Lori Loud cleans no one's toilets. I literally come from the prankiest family ever. I can so win this for us.

Luan: A little advice… Now that you know the pranking basics, remember, anything can be a prank. And I mean anything.

Episode 2


Child's Play [7.2a]

Luan: [entering her and Luna's room] Hey! It's the Moon Goats! My favorite BAAA-nd!

Luna: [groaning] We got zilch.
Sully: Agh! And we've been working forever. How long has it been? Hours? Days?!
Mazzy: [checks the time on her phone] It's been seven minutes.
Sam: This is way hard. How are we supposed to know what kind of songs toddlers rock to?

Birthday Boy: Another song!
Sam: Oh, sorry, little guy. But we've only got…
Birthday Boy: [grabs Sam by the collar and pulls her into his face; viciously] It's my birthday and I want another song!

Katherine: Excuse me. Pardon me. Award-winning news celebrity coming through. Nice to meet you. I'm…
Moon Goats: [surprised] Katherine Mulligan!
Katherine: Yes, I'm here with my niece, Adeline Mulligan. [turns around, revealing Adeline in a baby harness on her back] And I have to say, your band is really a toddler sensation. I'd love to have you perform on my morning show, Kat Chat. Start the day with a hot, steaming up of Katherine!
Luna: A gig? On TV?! For REAL?!
Katherine: Absolutely. And Katherine Mulligan pays a generous appearance fee. So, what do you say?
Luna: Let me discuss with my associates.
[The Moon Goats huddle up in a circle]
Sam: Guys, we could get those thumpin' speakers, like, way faster!
Mazzy: Yeah, and probably still have some money left for that awesome stage package we saw, remember?
[They imagine themselves rocking out with the new speakers and confetti cannons]
Sully: [dreamily] Oh, so many pretty colors.
Moon Goats: We're in!
Katherine: Great! Let's say, tomorrow morning. Oh, and one thing, I want you to play a new song. Katherine Mulligan likes her performances the way she likes her breaking news: exclusive! Now, I have to go. My niece has seemingly escaped. [leaves] Adeline Mulligan, do not lick that cake!
Mazzy: New speakers, here we come!

[The Moon Goats sit outside in the front yard as Luna paces around, back and forth]
Sam: Without Lily, we've got no song for tomorrow morning! Our big TV debut is gonna be a big bust!
Luna: We gotta think of something.
Mazzy: [as Sully gasps] I swear, if this is gas again…
Sully: No, no, no, no, no. I just realized Lily's not the only baby in the city.
Luna: [gasps] Yes, yes! All we gotta do is snag a tune from another toddler! Sully, you're a total genius!
Sully: Told you it wasn't ga… [belches] Okay, some of it was gas.

Force of Habits [7.2b]

Leni: How do you guys deal with Bobby and Sam's annoying habits?
[Lori and Luna both chuckle]
Lori: Bobby doesn't have any annoying habits. He's literally perfect.
Luna: Sam too. Sorry we couldn't help you, sis.

[Lori and Luna return home, both annoyed after their dates with Bobby and Sam, revealing they have annoying habits too]
Lori: Did you guys ever notice that Bobby sings everything he does?
Luna: Sam's even worse. She can't make up her mind! It took her fifteen minutes to pick a seat on the bus! By the time she sat down, we'd arrived at our stop!
Leni: Those sound like annoying habits to me. But don't worry. Sixteen 1/2 Magazine didn't let me down tonight. [opens the magazine] Listen: "Your partner is a work in progress. If they have annoying habits, it's up to you to get rid of them and make your partner more fabulous."

[Leni and Gavin are having lunch at the Royal Woods Mall food court]
Gavin: [blushing] I snort-laugh? I didn't realize I did that. [chuckles weakly] Oh, how embarrassing.
Leni: Oh, don't be embarrassed. I'm only pointing it out so you can fix it and be more fabulous.
Gavin: Thanks, Leni. I appreciate that. I promise I will spa-get better! [laughs at his own joke, then stops before snorting] Ah, see?
[Meanwhile, at the Loud House…]
Sam: I had no idea my indecisiveness was so bad. I'm definitely going to work on it... or maybe I'll see a therapist… or should I journal? [realizes what she's doing; blushes] Oops, I'm doing it again.
Luna: But you caught it. You're already more fabulous.
[Meanwhile, at the park…]
Bobby: [blushing] Wow. Most times, I don't even know I'm… ♪ singing! ♪ [catches himself and clears throat] Singing.
Lori: That's why you're so lucky to have me. I can point these things out and help make you more fabulous.
Bobby: Thanks, Babe.

Luna: No better way to celebrate than with Dad's tear-soaked red velvet cake.
Leni: Hold on! I totes need to post this on SwiftyPic. [takes a picture of the cake]
Lori: And, now that we've fixed our partners' annoying habits, we can start planning…
Lori, Luna, and Leni: The triple-date to Dairyland!

Bobby: Today's been so fun!
Sam: Yeah, it was a cool idea to do a triple-date.
Gavin: Especially at Dairyland.
Lori: Wait! Leni, you haven't posted a pic of your lunch yet.
Leni: Oh, I'm not doing that anymore. Some people think I don't live in the moment enough, even though those people should know, I already live in Royal Woods.
Gavin: Wait, are you mad about what I said?
Leni: Why would I be mad? [offering Luna two breadsticks] Here, Luna, I saved you two breadsticks for your drum solo.
Luna: No thanks. Some people think it'd be better if I'd limited my musical solos to Moon Goat shows.
Sam: Wait, was that a dig at me?
Lori: No. A dig would be telling someone they say "literally" all the time. Some people have suggested as much to me.
Bobby: Seriously, babe?
Lori: Oops, I'm sorry. Did I say the word again? I guess I'm literally out of control. Literally, literally, literally, literally…
[The three older Loud sisters start resuming their own annoying habits]
Leni: And post, and post, and post!
Lori: …literally, literally, literally, literally, literally…
Bobby: How come it's okay for you guys to point out our annoying habits, but when we point out yours, you get mad?!
Lori: Because you only did it to get back at us!
Gavin: No, we didn't.
Sam: We were really just trying to be helpful, like you were with us.
Lori, Luna, and Leni: Yeah, right!
Gavin: You know what? I don't think I wanna be on this date anymore.
Bobby: Me neither.
Sam: I'm with you guys. Come on.
Lori: No, you guys. Wait. [their partners all smile hopefully] Because we are literally leaving, first! [she, Leni, and Luna all storm off, crossly]
[After a short pause, Bobby, Gavin, and Sam all walk away, grumpily, in the opposite direction]

[Later, the three sisters are riding the Sea of Cheese ride, still angry about their partners]
Leni: Boy, they had a lot of nerve!
Luna: They don't even realize how hurtful they were being!
Lori: [realizing something; regretfully] Oh, now that I think about it, if what they said to us was hurtful, maybe what we said to them was hurtful too.
Leni: O-M-Gosh, you're right! We never should have pointed out their annoying habits in the first place! [gasps] Which means Sixteen 1/2 Magazine was... wrong! Ah, I'm gonna need a moment.
Luna: You're right, dudes. If you care about someone, you gotta learn to accept them for who they are. I should have known! That's the lyrics to so many songs!

Episode 3


Candy Crushed [7.3a]

Rita: [sits on Lola's bed] Lola, sweetie, it seems like your sweet tooth is getting out of hand. Maybe it's time to take a little break from treats.
Lola: A break from treats? [scoffs] Please. It's not like I have a problem.
Rita: You're eating a lollipop right now.
Lola: What? [removes a lollipop from her mouth which she is indeed eating] Who put that there?

Lynn: Aw, yeah, baby! Time to carb load before the big game!
Lola: [throws the French toast away and grabs Lynn by the collar; threateningly] You're either with me or against me, Lynn!
Lana: Alright! Breakfast on the floor! You guys finally listened to me!

Master of Delusion [7.3b]

Lincoln: [looking into a Crystal Ball] That's Madame Mystery's crystal globe. [then sees a display case across the hall from it containing playing cards and a photo of a female magician] Ooh, and those are The Great Colangelo's Cards of Chaos. [looks and walks over to a small box with a series of sound slots below a red button protected by a translucent yellow cover; picks it up] Ooh, what's this? [shakes it] A box of magical wonders?
Brailster: [takes the box] Close, it's a smoke alarm. [puts it back] Please don't touch anything. The chateau is full of trap doors. Rumor has it there are magicians who have gone missing in the chateau and have never been found.
Lincoln: That's awesome. [Brailster gives him a smirking look] I mean… not for them. Of course.

Episode 4


Bye Bye Birthday [7.4a]

Bertrand: Apologies, dear friends. I'm afraid my spell work has suffered since my exile aboard that cruise ship.
Lucy: [lying on a grave; moaning] Sigh… Big sigh…
Bertrand: Worry not, Lucy. We shall get to the Underworld someday.
Lucy: It's not that. Tomorrow is the anniversary of my tragic arrival on this Earth.
Morticians: [confused] Huh?
Lucy: My 9th birthday.
[Boris plays a sad tune, while the other Morticians approach her for comfort]
Haiku: My condolences.
Dante: How dreadful.
Boris: Oh, why must normie society insist on celebrating life?
Lucy: I'm afraid my birthdays are even worse than a typical normie celebration. Every year, my family subjects me to the same traditions. [Flashback to one of her birthdays; narrating] They start the day at a frightening pitch.
Flashback Louds: [barge into her and Lynn's room with balloons, noisemakers, and confetti after she wakes up] Happy Birthday, Lucy!
[Cut to later of Rita putting the Loud birthday sash on her]
Lucy: [narrating] Then they force me to wear the traditional Loud birthday sash. I suspect it's never been washed.
Flashback Lana: Hey, it's my booger from my 3rd birthday! [eats it, making Lucy gag]
[Cut to the Louds bouncing inside a bouncy house, that's clearly been reused for countless birthdays]
Lucy: [narrating] Then I'll be subjected to the dreaded bouncy castle, a family birthday staple ever since my dad got it on clearance.
Flashback Lynn Sr.: See, Rita? I told you we'd get our money's worth.
[Cut to the Louds singing the birthday song for Lucy at Jean Juan's French Mex Buffet]
Lucy: [narrating] Then there's the singing. Oh, the singing…
Flashback Louds: [singing] ♪ Happy birthday to you! ♪
Flashback Lucy: Sigh… finally, the torture ends.
Flashback Luna: Now in French, le dudes! [starts singing the birthday song in French with the waiters] ♪ Bon anniversaire à toi, bon anniversaire à toi… ♪
Lucy: Groan… [back to present; the Morticians gasps in horror] I wish my family would just forget about my birthday.

Tough Guise [7.4b]

Lincoln: All right, team, we need a story that's gonna top last week's feature: Water Fountain Etiquette with Clyde. Any suggestions?
Action News Team: Hmm…
Rusty: Ooh, I got one! Me!
Lincoln: [sighs] No, we're not doing another piece on your ab routine, Rusty.
Stella: [takes a box of complains] Yeah, we're still sifting through the complaint letters.
Rusty: Say what you want. There's one name on everybody's lips.

Mr. Bolhofner: [grabs and picks up Zach by the backpack after being tackled] You've got two seconds to tell me what the blue blazes is going on!
Zach: Don't panic, but there's an alien inside of you, Mr. B. I can totally prove it! See [shows his detector] It's flashing, which means… [his detector is low on battery power] Low battery… [chuckles sheepishly] Let's just call this a whoopsie.
Mr. Bolhofner: [drops him] A whoopsie?! Why don't we call it… [yelling angrily in his face] TWO DAYS' DETENTION FOR TACKLING A TEACHER, GURDLE?! [storms off]
Lincoln: You okay, Zach?
Stella: We saw everything.
Zach: Uh, yeah. Well, at least it's only two days of detention. [his friends gasp] What? What's the big deal? I've had detention before.
Rusty: Yeah, in elementary school. This is middle school! The bullies are bigger, and so are their wedgies!
Lincoln: Yeah. Lynn once told me about a kid who went to detention, and the other kids gave him a wedgie so hard, it stunted his growth!
Zach: [shudders nervously] Oh, great. What am I gonna do?!
Rusty: Don't worry, dawg. I got ya.

Road Trip: Bizarritorium (Episode 5)

Lincoln: It's summer break for the Louds! That means three months of nonstop fun!
Mr. Grouse: It's summer break for the Louds. That means three months of nonstop torture.

Lynn Sr.: Rita? Whose RV is this?
Rita: Ours! At least for the summer. Earlier today, I was in Jesse's office at the Gazette.
[Flashback to earlier…]
Jesse: [on the phone] Here's the cover story, Linda: Travel writer does column about manure farms in Michigan. Editor Jesse Hiller, furious! Nobody wants to read about cow doo-doo over their morning coffee. Well, I've just been handed this news update: YOU'RE FIRED! [angrily hangs up] Oh, what am I gonna do, Rita? Wanted: Someone to write our summer travel column. Someone willing to hit the road, zigzagging the country in an RV, all expenses paid, willing to start extra, extra soon!
[Back to present]
Lincoln: So does this mean…?
Rita: Yep, and she's letting me write the column! What do you say? You guys up for a summer-long adventure?
[Lynn Sr. and the siblings all cheer]
Lola: Finally, I'll escape this fourth-rate town!

Lincoln: If I want to be able to stop at the Bizzaritorium, I have to make sure we end up with lots of extra time. Phase One: Operation Turn the Clocks Forward. This calls for some David Steele stealth action.

[The Louds arrive at Dr. Weirdly's Bizzaritorium, only to find that it's gone out of business]
Lincoln: [dismayed] How can it be out of business?!
Mr. Coconuts: What a shocker, huh? Who isn't into a bunch of creepy old tchotchkes?
Rita: Aw, I'm so sorry, sweetie.
Lynn Sr.: Look on the bright side, kiddo. We've got a big summer ahead of us. I bet we'll find a mummy somewhere else!

Lincoln: Well, even though I didn't get to see the Bizarritorum, at least I ended up with a cool souvenir. Who knows? Maybe it'll be my very own good luck charm.

Lola: [overhearing Lincoln, realizing he stole the Mummy's cursed ring and cursed the family] MOM! Lincoln stole a ring from the Mystic Mummy of Mystery and cursed our family!
[The other sisters berate Lincoln for screwing them]
Luna: Oh, come on!
Lori: Seriously?!
Lana: Way to go, Lincoln!
Lily: Bad Lincoln!
Lola: Not to mention the ring is tacky. [lightning strikes close to where she's standing] Sorry, Mr. Mystic Mummy of Mystery, sir!
Lincoln: Guys, I'm sorry. It was an honest mistake. Can't I just put it back?
Lucy: Unfortunately, no. According to my spell book, once you put the ring on, you activated the curse.
Lynn Sr.: [dismayed] Well, that's just great! I guess we're cursed for life now! Check that off the ol' bucket list!
Lucy: Not necessarily. According to this, there is one way to lift the curse. We'll have to make an offering to the spirit of the mummy. But we'll need to gather ingredients for a potion first.
Rita: I'm sorry. We do not have time for that. We have to get to that barrel race. That mummy is just gonna have to wait. [heads back to Camperzilla, reaches for the door, but lightning strikes, knocking her back on her back] Okay, offering it is.

[After the Mummy's spirit disappears while the curse was lifted…]
Lincoln: [sits up] Guys, it worked!
Lynn Sr.: [chuckles] Well, would you look at that? The Louds conquered an ancient curse! Go, us!
Rita: [realizes] Just one problem. [checks her watch] We've only got 30 minutes to get to Niagara Falls in time for the Barrel Day competition! We'll never make it!

Episode 6


Road Trip: Bringing Down the House [7.6a]

[The Loud family arrive in the state of Washington D.C. to visit the White House…]
Rita: It's amazing that Jesse got us VIP tour passes to the White House! Are you kids excited back there?
Lynn: I know I am! I read that the White House has its own bowling alley.
Lana: I hear there's a whole room devoted to ice cream sundaes.
Lola: I can't wait to see the dresses worn by all the First Ladies.
Lynn Sr.: I'm excited to take a peek at that kitchen. I bet they have wooden spatulas dating back to the 1800s. Oh, I can just imagine all the splinters I'm gonna get!

Lynn Sr.: [to the receptionist] Hi, there's not really, like, a dungeon here, right?
Receptionist: There is. In fact, a month ago, a guy taking a tour turned on a light without permission. He spent a week down there.

Bullsworth: And that concludes our tour. I'm surprised. I expected you to be trouble, but you were all well-behaved. Eh, too bad for me. I didn't get to let the dog out. [snarls at the Louds again in bulldog mode] All right, please make your way to the White House exit. [leaves]
Lynn: That is one strange little man.
Rita: Kids, I'm sorry you didn't get the tour you hoped for, but I'm proud of you for being so good. Now, who wants to hit the hotel pool?
[The siblings follow her, excitedly, except Lynn and the twins, who are feeling guilty for breaking the rules]
Lynn: Wait! We can't leave. There's one little problem. [Flashback to her in the Presidential Bowling Room, she accidentally tosses a bowling ball so hard, it breaks the wooden floor of a bowling lane and gasps in horror]
Lana: Actually, two little problems. [Flashback to her in the sundae room, she accidentally breaks off the handle of the ice cream dispenser, causing the ice cream to overflow]
Lola: Make that three little problems? [chuckles sheepishly; Flashback to her in the First Ladies' Boutique, she struts all over the floor, then trips, accidentally ripping the dress's bottom half off and gasps in horror]
Rita: [shocked and cross] Seriously?! I can't believe the three of you!
Luna: Uh, make that four. [Flashback to her in the Presidential Music Room, she rocks out with a golden guitar and accidentally snaps off one of the strings]
Lincoln: Five. [Flashback to him in the President's office, he spins around in the president's swivel chair, accidentally spinning out of control and hits a bust of Abraham Lincoln, causing it to fall onto the ground and break into pieces, and gulps in horror]
Rita: Kids, how could you?! Your father and I are very disappointed, aren't we, honey?
Lynn Sr.: Uh… [sheepishly chuckles] Well, um… [Flashback to him in the kitchen, humming a tune as he plays with a spatula, then accidentally flings it into the president's birthday cake, which collapses]
Rita: [sharped] Lynn!
Lynn Sr.: You'll have plenty of time to yell at me later, Rita, when the Bulldog tracks us down and sends us to the dungeon forever!
Lincoln: He's not gonna do that because we are going to sneak back in and fix everything before he notices.

Road Trip: The Mountain Hard Pass [7.6b]

[The Louds drive through a mountain range as they enter the state of Colorado]
Lincoln: [to the viewers while playing video games with Lana] You know, I'm really getting used to life on the road. Living with the bare essentials isn't so bad.
Lana: You said it.
Lori: [relaxing on a massage chair; voice vibrating] RV living is literally the life for us. [Camperzilla suddenly comes to a halt; notices] Why are we stopping?
Rita: Exciting news. For my next piece in the travel series, we are all going to check out the beauty of the Rocky Mountains here in Colorado.
[The Loud siblings look out the window as Lori pulls the blinds and see the majestic beauty of the Rocky Mountains, all uninterested]
Lincoln: Cool.
Lola: Definitely rocky.
Luna: Sweet.
Rita: [pulls the blinds again after Lori shuts them] No, I meant we're going outside for an invigorating 10-mile hike! You guys are going to love it!
[Lana shuts the blinds this time while the siblings are all still uninterested]
Lincoln: Nah.
Luna: I'm good.
Lola: You guys have fun.
Lynn Sr.: [enters, wearing Lincoln's blue convincing suit, that's too tight for him; strained] Come on, fam.
Lincoln: Hmm… Is that my convincing suit?

Episode 7


Road Trip: From Brad to Worse [7.7a]

Rita: [recognizes the dark-skinned bearded man] Wait, is that…?
Brad: [turns around and recognizes Rita in surprise] Huh? Rita? Is that you?
Rita: [gasps delightfully] Brad Plaid?! [runs up to him and they hug]
Brad: Hot diggity, it is you! [straightens his glasses] And I thought these glasses were monkeying with me. What's a Michigander like you doing here?
Rita: I'm actually writing a column about life on the road with a big family.
Brad: No kidding? So you became a writer after all? I always knew you would.
Lynn Sr.: Hey, honey.
Brad: Howdy, sir. Would you like an autograph? [takes out a pen and signs his name on Lynn Sr.'s forehead]
Rita: Oh. [laughs] This is my husband, Lynn. Everyone, this is Brad. He and I knew each other from Camp Can Do when we were kids.

Road Trip: Doll Day Afternoon [7.7b]

Luan: I'm so stuffed, I could be a Thanksgiving turkey. [belches so hard, her siblings and parents are grossed out]
Luna: [disgusted] Not cool, Luan!
Luan: It wasn't me! It was Mr. Coconuts! [speaks for Mr. Coconuts, not realizing he's not on her hand] You know I can't resist the all-you-can-eat coleslaw bar. [looks at her hand, realizing he's not there and screams in panic, shaking Camperzilla, and freaking out the parents] WHERE'S MR. COCONUTS?! [lifts up the couch in panic to find him]
Luna: All right, chill, dude. Where's the last place you remember having him?
Luan: [sets the couch down] At the last diner! I ordered a wood-fired pizza, and I'll never forget the look he gave me. [enters the driver's den] We have to turn back!
Lynn Sr.: Oh, jeez, sweetie, that… that diner is 50 miles in the other direction--
Luan: Dad, he's a member of the family!
Lynn Sr.: [changes his mind] No Loud left behind!

[After Calvin Coconuts tells the Louds the story of how he created Mr. Coconuts, revealing that he's his true creator…]
Luan: So all of this means… [gasps] Mr. Coconuts was never really mine. [takes one look at him and makes a decision] Calvin, I think Mr. Coconuts should stay with you.
[The family gasps at this]
Lynn Sr.: Luan, are you sure?
Luan: Yes. I have to do the right thing. [sniffles, trying to hold back tears] This is for the best. [Her family hugs her and she goes over to Calvin, giving him back Mr. Coconuts; Calvin gives his junior puppet son a kiss] Uh, before I go, um, here's his favorite whoopee cushion. And his toothbrush. And actually, I have his travel suitcase right here. [hands him over a whoopee cushion, Mr. Coconuts' toothbrush, and his suitcase; gives one last smile at Mr. Coconuts before returning to her family] Oh, here's looking at you, toots. [returns to being dejected and leaves]
[Later that night in Camperzilla, Luan sits at the dining table, sadly looking out the window before her parents comfort her]
Rita: I am so proud of you, Luan. I know that wasn't easy.
Luan: Thanks, Mom. I can't believe I'll never see Mr. Coconuts again. I'm gonna miss his jokes, his smile, his pine-fresh scent…
[Calvin and Mr. Coconuts suddenly pop in]
Mr. Coconuts: Hey, what about my boyish charm?

Episode 8


Road Trip: Screen Queen [7.8a]

Rita: That tour will be great for my article on Hollywood Hot-spots.
Lori: This was literally my fave part of the tour. [shows Luan a photo of Lynn Sr. holding what looks like an umbrella, only for a mechanical shark to bite him in the bottom on her phone; She, Luna, Luan, Lucy, and Lana all laugh at their father's misfortune]
Lynn Sr.: [showing the back of his trousers] Boy, that shark sure was cheeky. [smiles amusingly]
Luan: [chuckles] It must have thought you were a rump roast.
Lola: If anyone asks, we're not together.

Road Trip: Hide and Sneak [7.8b]

[As the Loud family arrive in Great Lakes City as their final destination of their summer road trip…]
Lincoln: When do we get to see the Casagrandes? I can't wait to tell Ronnie Anne all about our trip.
Lori: [answers her phone as it rings; excitedly] Hey, Boo-Boo Bear! Guess where I am?
Rita: [swipes Lori's phone out of her hand] Literally Mount Rushmore! [imitates signal breaking] Losing reception, babe! Call you later!
Lori: Mom, what was that?!
Rita: Um… We would love to visit the Casagrandes. But my last travel piece for the Gazette is due tonight. And we have to hit all these places. There's just no time to stop by.
Lynn Sr.: Yeah, if we want to get everything on your Mom's list done, they can't know we're here. We'll visit 'em another time, okay, kiddos?
Luna: I guess so. Plus, I don't wanna miss that concert.
Lola: And I want a glamor shot from the top of the GLC Tower, looking down at all the little people.
Lori: [unsure] I don't know, you guys. I feel weird about this.

[The Louds are at Goddess Greens to order some lunch]
Rita: [taking notes with a tape recorder] Whatever you're into, Great Lakes City has it all. That is, if you have time to do it all.
Lynn Sr.: Hon, I'm not sure I'm cool enough for this place. There's nothing on this menu but emojis. What am I supposed to order? The dinosaur or the winky face?
Rita: I'm sure everything is fabulous, hon. Jesse said this was the trendiest restaurant in the city.
Leni: [sharing a menu with Lincoln] Oh, it totes is. It's Carlota's fave spot. She comes here all the time.
Lynn Sr.: [even more worried] What?! Why didn't you tell us?
Rita: Lynn, it's fine! It's nearly impossible to get a reservation. What are the odds that Carlota got one at the same time as us?
[Suddenly, Carlota and her friend, Mia, enter the restaurant]
Carlota: Hola! I have a noun rez uner Casagrande. [blows kisses to everyone as the Loud family gasp in horror and hide their faces]
Lynn Sr.: [whispering] We have to get out of here!
Rita: [whispering] I didn't even try the food. I'll have nothing to write about!
Lynn Sr.: [whispering quickly] If Carlota sees us, you'll be writing about the end of your friendship with the Casagrandes!

[As the Louds get a view of the city while visiting the Great Lakes City Tower, they see Carl and Sergio there too as they block the elevator]
Lori: [worriedly] They're right by the elevator! How are we doing to get out of here?!
[Lynn spots a window cleaner exiting the platform with his supplies, walking past them; gets an idea; The Louds are all now on the platform holding on to each other a few seconds later]
Lisa: By my rough calculations, factoring in our combined weight and this platform's capacity, I'm afraid we're… [gasps]
[One of the ropes on the right side snaps, causing it, and the Louds, to slant]
Lucy: [completes the sentence] Goners.

Rita: Well, we did it. We saw everything we needed to see for my article.
Luan: Ah, that's a relief. For a second there, I didn't think we'd be able to avoid the Casagrandes.
Lori: [shockingly gasps as she sees Hector and Bobby playing their duet on stage] Is that… Hector and Bobby?!
Lynn Sr.: [whispering] Let's move, people!
[The Louds try to make a run for it, but gasp when they see Frida, Rosa, Carlitos, and Carlos having a tamale picnic on the left and make a U-turn, but gasp again when they also see Carl and CJ playing frisbee on the right]
Lucy: We're doomed.

[As the Louds head back to Camperzilla after escaping the park, they see Carlota approaching them on one side while on her phone, and Ronnie Anne approaching them on the opposite while riding her skateboard, and run across the street]
Lincoln: Quick! In here!
[The family quickly enter a building and all sigh in relief]
Lynn Sr.: [seeing what the building looks like as the family have been here before] Why does this place look familiar?
[They turn to look outside and see that they entered the Casagrandes apartment building]
Lori: Uh, 'cause this is literally the Casagrandes building!
Lynn: [groans annoyingly and pushes Lincoln] Great move, Stinkoln! Worth a rebellion to beeft!

Rosa: [entering the rooftop, and finds the Loud family] Louds? What are you all doing here?
Lynn Sr.: [nervously] Rosa! H-H-Hey! We were, uhhh... just, you know, uh, trying out Lisa's new teleportation device. [chuckles] It works! [to Lisa] Nice job, sweetie.
Lisa: [facepalms] Oh, jeez.
Leni: O-M-Gosh, really? I thought we were hiding from the Casagrandes.
Lynn Sr.: [winces] Uh…
Rita: [also winces] Oh.
Rosa: What? Hiding from us? I don't understand.

Rita: We have to fix this.
Lincoln: But what about your article?
Rita: Some things are more important, Lincoln. [Later that evening, inside Apartment 2A; explains to the Casagrandes about why they did what they had to do] So the whole point of not telling you was to spare your feelings, but clearly by sneaking around, we've hurt you even more.
Rosa: Yes, you have. You could have been honest with us, we would have understood.
Lynn Sr.: [tearing up] We messed up.
Loud siblings: We're really sorry.
Rita: Can you guys ever forgive us?
[The Casagrandes look at each other and smile after a smooth forgiving]
Rosa: Claro que sí.
Carlota: Obviously.
CJ: Of course!
Carl: Mmm… I'll think about it. I need time to heal. [Rosa glares at him] I'm healed.
Rosa: Rita, go finish your article, I don't want you to miss your deadline. But after that, maybe you can all stay for dinner.
Rita: We'd love to. [she and Rosa hug and rushes off to get her laptop from Camperzilla; later typing her deadline on the roof, voice-over] "As our summer adventure comes to an end in Great Lakes City, I'm reminded that it's not always what you do that makes a trip, it's the people you spend time with."

Carl: Hey, isn't that your RV? [points down to Camperzilla being towed away as Rita and Lynn Sr. watch]
Rita: [smirking] Well, I guess we're staying the night.
Sergio: [squawks; comes down and sits on top of Lynn Sr's head] Hope you don't mind my snoring.

Episode 9


Out of Step [7.9a]

Clyde: I'm not one for tooting my own horn, but I think we have this one in the bag. I mean, who can our competition even be? [gasps in shock, seeing that he's competing against the one person who hates him and his friends more than anyone] Chandler?!
Nana Gayle: You know that young man?
Clyde: That's Chandler McCann. He's a bad apple. Uh-oh, they're coming over!
Chandler: Hey, McBride, looks like we're facing off in the dance final. This is my grandma.
Gran McCann: [walks up next to him] Hi there! Gran McCann.
Nana Gayle: Hi! Nana Gayle.
Clyde: [stopping her from shaking hands with Chandler's grandmother] NO! She probably has a joy buzzer, or an ink squirter, or maybe even a finger trap.
Gran McCann: No, just arthritis. [chuckles] Oh, I understand why you don't trust me. I know about my grandson's reputation, but I told Chandler that I won't tolerate any funny business during this competition.
Chandler: [nonchalantly] Yeah, chill out, McBride. I'm always on my best behavior when I'm with my Gran.
Nana Gayle: Well, that's a relief.
Chandler: What do you say, Clyde? [sticks out his hand, offering Clyde a handshake] Fair and Square. May the best team win?
Clyde: [thinking about it] Hmm… Deal.

Clyde: Today was a disaster. Talk about a streak of bad luck.
Chandler: [offscreen] Those McBrides are real McBozos. [Clyde and Nana Gayle listen to their sabotaging outside the dressing room door] They totally fell for that crud about us not cheating. And now all we have to do is sabotage 'em again tomorrow, and those massage chairs are all ours! [he and his grandmother laugh, unaware that the McBrides know now]
Nana Gayle: Those little weasels!
Clyde: I knew Chandler would cheat! [thinks] Well, I guess we had no choice. We'll just have to cheat right back.

[Clyde turns on the big fan and the big wind blows off "Gran McCann's" wig, revealing that it was actually Trent in disguise as the audience gasp in shock]
Clyde: Busted! That's not Chandler's grandmother. It's his old partner-in-crime, Trent.
Mrs. Bernardo: [flabbergasted and sharped] Chandler McCann, where is actual non-child grandmother?!
Chandler: [sighs] Recovering from hip surgery in Scranton.
Clyde: [gestures to Trent] So you've been pretending to be Gran McCann all week?
Trent: [guilty] Yeah. We just wanted the massage chairs for when we play video games.
Mrs. Bernardo: [offended] Well, bravo to your performance, Trent, but boo to your ethics! [Chandler and Trent both chuckle nervously] SCOUNDRELS! [to Clyde and Nana Gayle] Congrats, Team McBride. You are the real winners! [Clyde and Nana Gayle hug happily and receive the massage chairs while the crowd cheers as Chandler and Trent watch in shock of horror; coldly to the boys] As for you two, no one disrespects the art of the dance on my watch! You are banned from every dance contest in Royal Woods forever! Now, exit stage left! [brings in the big fan and blows the two boys off the stage]

Too Cool for School [7.9b]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] As you can see, I'm pretty much an expert at this middle school thing.

Principal Ramirez: Good morning, kids! Hope you're enjoying the cooler temperature. As Astrid Bjorklundson says… "Temperatures as cold as ice will help the children learn real nice."
Liam: Who is this Bjorklundson character anyway?
Principal Ramirez: She's a leading education specialist from Sweden. And she has the coolest glasses. Check her out! [pulls up and plays a video on her phone]
Astrid: My patented Astrid Method has improved student performance in over fifty countries. I not only preach the Astrid Method, I practice it myself. Brr! Thanks to that icy plunge, I just got ten new ideas! Hej då!
Principal Ramirez: Soon enough, you kids will be the top students in all of Southeast Michigan! I can see you're all shaking with excitement. And just a heads-up, from now on, school will start at 6:00 a.m. for mindful yoga. [plays another video]
Astrid: To aid the student's aspirations, begin the day with meditations. Astrid Power Pose!
Principal Ramirez: Fun, right? Hej då! [skates off]
Rusty: I can't start school that early. I need two hours in the morning to deep-condition my fiery mane.

Principal Ramirez: Sorry, I'm in a bit of a rush. Just got an email from Astrid's book club. She's on tour with a new advice book, "Are You There, Cod? It's Me Astrid." [shows Lincoln and his friends a photo of Astrid's book]
Stella: Oh. I thought we were done with the Astrid Method.
Principal Ramirez: I thought so too. But why would she write another book if her methods don't work? I'm gonna meet her and find out what's going on.
Clyde: [shocked] You're meeting with Astrid?!
Principal Ramirez: Of course! Her first stop is Hazeltucky, today. [dashes off] And I'm late.
Stella: Oh, this is so not good. If Principal Ramirez and Astrid meet, we're more busted than Rusty's hair!
Lincoln: We have to make sure they don't meet.

[Outside the Bookstore, Principal Ramirez is having a stern word with the Action News Team]
Stella: We're sorry, Principal Ramirez. We shouldn't have deceived you.
Lincoln: It's just that the Astrid Method was making us miserable.
Rusty: Eating all that fish was cramping my style with the ladies.
Zach: Yeah, it was the fish.
Principal Ramirez: [sighs] Look, it's my job to make sure you're set up to succeed, and the Astrid Method guarantees that'll happen. So, we'll resume the program on Monday.
Lincoln: [as his friends groan in disappointment] Dang it.
Astrid: Nej, wait. Principal Ramirez, studies have shown that student happiness is crucial for success. If these children aren't happy, than that means the program isn't working. I'm going to have to rethink it. [to the Action News Team] Thank you for your honest feedback.

Episode 10


Music to My Fears [7.10a]

Sam: Luna!
Luna: Huh?
Sam: The dudes from the Cherry Pit Spit just called! And guess who wanted to headline the festival!
Sully: The Moon Goats! Band bleat!
Mazzy: Luna, we didn't get a bleat out of you. What's wrong?
Sam: This is huge!
Luna: [hoarsely] Bad news, dudes. My doc put me on shred rest and voice rest after last night's gig. [shows her band mates her bandaged hands, to their horror; Flashback to the Burnt Bean last night; rocking out to applause and shreds so hard while letting out a rock scream, ends up burning her own hands, looks at them and screams in pain as she let goes of her guitar; back to present] Doc said no shredding or rock screams for a month.
Sam: We can't play the Cherry Pit Spit without you!
Luna: There's no way I'm letting you guys miss this opportunity. Sam, you can take over lead vocals, and I'm sure we can find a temporary musician to replace me. We'll just have to hold auditions ASAP.

[Luna meets a new female guitarist named Nina at Tall Timber's Park, after hearing her rocking out her solo, finding her to be the perfect temporary replacement]
Luna: I hate to interrupt when you're in the zone, but as a fellow guitarist, I have to introduce myself. I'm…
Nina: [recognizes her] Luna Loud?! Lead singer and guitarist of the Moon Goats?! I saw your last show! You were all… [imitates Luna's guitar solo]
Luna: Well, I don't know if I did that…
Nina: I'm Nina. [offers Luna a handshake, but realizes her bandaged hands, so they opt for an elbow bump instead]
Luna: As you can see, um, I'm sort of out of commission, and the Moon Goats are supposed to play the Cherry Pit Spit this weekend. We're looking for a temporary guitarist. You should totally audition. [hands her a flier]
Nina: [gasps in excitement] Yes! Count me in! [to the ducks] Ya hear that, my peeps? I might finally be in a band!

Sam: Luna, what is going on?! And don't say it's part of his unique creative process.
Luna: [sighs in guilt] I'm sorry, dudes. This is all my fault. I know I've let you down, but I promise, I will fix it. I'm gonna do what I should've done in the first place. I just need to make a quick trip to the duck pond.
Sully: Huh, I just call it the bathroom, but, hey, whatever.
[A little later, Luna returns with Nina]
Luna: Hey. This is Nina. She's who should've replaced me from the start. She's amazing!
Sam: Are you sure? 'Cause I don't wanna be harsh, but your last pick didn't exactly go smoothly.
Luna: This time you can trust me, dudes. Nina's the real deal. Check out those calluses.
[Nina shows the Moon Goats her hands, which have the calluses of a real rockstar]
Sam, Mazzy, and Sully: [amazed] Woah!

Fluff and Foiled [7.10b]

Lincoln: [screaming; then to the viewers] You may be wondering why I'm screaming, and no, it's not because I just found out Lana's been hiding her booger stash in my room. [flips his mattress to reveal Lana's booger stash on the underside and gags in disgust]
Lana: [from outside] It's not a stash! It's an exhibit celebrating all things nasal! You should be honored!
Lincoln: Lana, stop listening at my door! [sighs; to the viewers] Anyway, I was practicing my ride scream. Today's the annual Udder Madness Day at Dairyland. Clyde and I never miss it. [takes out a map of Dairyland] If you can go on the ten most stomach-curdling rides before the park closes, you win an awesome prize. And this year's prize is gonna be legen-dairy.
Luan: [laughs] Good one, Lincoln!
Lincoln: Okay, if there's anybody else at my door, please step away! As I was saying, check out this year's prize. [takes out a picture of a Tippy hat] This moo-tiful Tippy hat. It's gonna look so good with the rest of my Udder Madness collection.

Lincoln: Twelve separate wash and dry cycles? [mischievously to the viewers] I've got a better idea.

Episode 11


Leave No Van Behind [7.11a]

Luna: Of all the places for Vanzilla to bite the dust. Dudes, I didn't think we'd get out of there. [Flashback to a car wash, earlier; the machines have gotten inside Vanzilla, brushing and water-spraying the Louds, and completely covering them in soap; back to the present, traumatized] That was a long seven hours.
[Lincoln belches out some soap from his mouth]
Lynn: [after Andre trips and falls from the bleachers] You okay, Andre?
Andre: No worries. The buns broke my fall. Anyway, great game! I've been watching you play all season, and I can tell you have star power. Which is why, on behalf of the Burpin' Burger, I'd like to offer you a sponsorship! If you promote our fine establishment and wear our logo, you'll be a BB VIP! [Lynn reacts in confusion] Uh, it means you'll get free burgers.
Lynn: In that case, count me in!
Andre: Stop by the restaurant later to get a taste of the VIP treatment.
Coach Keck: [approaches him, covered in mustard] I believe this gherkin is yours, and this mustard.
[Later at the Burpin' Burger, Lynn and her team friends are about to dig in on a pile of free burgers and curly fries]
Lynn: Ha, ha! Enough for everyone!
Margo: Yeah!
Maddie: Sponsorship rules!
Carla: [pressing up against her chest] I have heartburn… in the best way!
Paula: [to Lynn] You're so lucky. I wish I could eat here for free anytime I wanted to.
Lynn: Maybe you can eat here for free. I mean, you're all star players, too.
Andre: Here's your free VIP cookie dough milkshake, with extra chocolate and caramel sauce. [adds the sauce to Lynn's milkshake]
Lynn: [licks her milkshake and suddenly burps out fire] That's spicy mustard.
Andre: I really should label these.

Carla: [slides onto the grass as Tippy gives her the microphone after scoring a goal] After an udder-ly amazing game like this, I'm going to Dairyland!

Zach: [interviewing Paula] You really played your heart out today. Any words for the Action News audience?
Paula: [speaks into the microphone and to the camera] Head to Duds for Dudes, where satisfaction is guaranteed! 'Cause they know what a dude wants, and what a dude needs!

[While Lynn, Margo, and Maddie are stretching out their bodies, preparing for the championship…]
Coach Keck: [scrubbing herself with a loofah, still purple] Okay, folks, circle up. For anyone keeping count, this is my ninth loofah and I'm still purple, which is unfortunate because this game is televised and my mom's in the stands.
Coach Keck's Mom: Whoo-hoo-hoo! That purple gal's my daughter! Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Coach Keck: So, do me a favor and save me any further embarrassment by playing your hearts out and winning this championship!
Andre: [approaches Lynn, for the first time not wearing the burger costume, but rather carrying it] Lynn! Good luck out there. I brought you the Burpin' Burger suit to wear during the big game. [plops the burger costume on her]
Lynn: Seriously?! But I'm already wearing the logo.
Andre: The logo's fine for regular games, but this is the championship game, which means more eyes are on you, which means it's a huge PR opportunity for the Burpin' Burger. So if you wanna keep those perks, you'll have to wear the buns. It's all in your contract.

[During halftime as Lynn and her friends enter the locker room…]
Lynn: Okay, team, huddle up. This isn't working. I love the sponsorship perks, but they're not worth this humiliation! [takes a gherkin off her head]
[Margo, Maddie, and Carla all agree]
Paula: [agreeing] Here, here.
Andre: [showing up with the other sponsors] Hey, Kangaroos. We got some more merch for you to wear on the second half.
Lynn: Sorry, but we're out.
Paula: We were obsessed by all the free stuff, but we're ready to get back to what's really important.
Margo: Playing like champions!

Episode 12


Party Fowl [7.12a]

[Rosa and Carl pull up in front of the Loud House in their family mercado van and hop out with Sergio in his birdcage]
Sergio: [squawks] This is embarrassing! I don't need a babysitter! I'm a big bird!
Rosa: A big bird who gets into big trouble. I'm sorry, but we can't take you to Carlos' lecture today and have you behave like you did at the last one.
[Flashback to Carlos' previous lecture]
Carlos: And now, a rare Mesoamerican bowl that dates back to 1519. It's the only one of its kind left in the world.
[The curtains pull back, revealing Sergio bathing in the bowl]
Sergio: A little privacy, please?!
Carlos: [gasps in shock] Sergio, what are you doing?! Shoo! [Sergio flies out of the auditorium, causing the bowl to wobble and splash water and soap into his face] AH! Soap in my eye! [accidentally knocks over the bowl and gasps]
[Back to present]
Carl: [laughing about the incident before Rosa glares at him as they walk up to the front door] What? It was funny when Dad started crying. [Rosa continues glaring at him] Uh, I mean, shame on you, Sergio!
Lynn Sr.: [opens the door; happily] Rosa, Carl, Sergio! Please, come in!
Rosa: Gracias, and thank you for watching Sergio tonight.
Rita: Oh, it's our pleasure.
Carl: [sees Lola sitting on the sofa] Lola! My favorite Loud. Is that a new crown? It really brings out…
Lola: [cutting him off] Cut to the chase, Casagrande.
Carl: [groans] My dad's lectures are dullsville, and I can't sit through another if Sergio isn't gonna be there to wreck it.
Lola: Hmm. Sounds like a you problem… [Carl offers her some cash] that, I might be able to help with.
Rosa: [firmly] Okay, Sergio, you'd better be on your best behavior with the Louds. If you pull any of your usual stunts, I'm sending you to bird boot camp. [Sergio gulps and whimpers worriedly; later, back in the van, waves goodbye] Thanks again! We'll pick him up tomorrow morning. [drives off as Rita, holding Sergio in his cage, and Lynn Sr. wave farewell… only to come to a stop and come back, holding out Lola, disguised as Carl] Nice try, Lola. Carl would never call the van seats "tacky." He doesn't even know what that means.
Lola: Carl, it didn't work!
Carl: [comes out, disguised as Lola] Worth a shot. [as they walk up to each other, he demands her a refund]
Lola: Sorry. No refunds or exchanges.
[Carl grumbles annoyingly, takes off his Lola getup and gives it back to her as she heads back into the house]
Rita: Hey, Sergio. [lets him out of his cage] The other pets are waiting for you out by Charles' doghouse.
Sergio: [flies over to the backyard, finding Charles, Cliff, Walt, and Geo hanging out just by the doghouse; squawks] Sergio has arrived! So, what's the plan? What are we doing for fun today? [the Loud pets take out some cards and play a game of Old Maid] Ugh, Old Maid? [squawks] You call that fun? Ugh, no thank you.

Sergio: See you on the flip side! I've got a party to get to! [the Loud pets are thrilled with excitement and ask if they want to come too] Oh, you want to come. Oh, me and my big beak. [sees the pets all giving him pleading puppy eyes] I mean, of course you can come. The party's at the, uh, big fountain downtown.

Sergio: [spots the Loud pets sleeping in the sofa through the living room window after failing to open it; knocks to get their attention] Psst! Open up and let me in! [smiles while giving them a thumbs-up; the pets wake up, see him, and yawn before Walt turns off the lights and go back to sleep; gasps] Is this about the party not being at the big fountain downtown? It was a joke! Can't you take a joke? [the pets blow raspberries at him in jealousy and resume sleeping; annoyed] Fine. Don't need you guys anyway. I'll find my own way in. You'll see! Sergio is unstoppable! [goes to the backyard and tries to ram his way through the doggy door, but it turns out to be sealed on the other side with wooden planks] I'm gonna have to use my brain and not my brawn. [flies up to the window of Lori and Leni's bedroom and knocks to get Leni's attention] Leni, you're dreaming. I'm Dream Sergio. Open the window. [Leni shrugs, gets out of bed, but walks to the closet instead and opens it, and collapses on the floor resuming to sleep; gets an idea and goes on top of the roof] Down the chimney like old St. Nick. [dives into the chimney and struggles to squeeze his body in, then crashes from the fireplace and into the living room, covered in soot; to the Loud pets as they glare jealously at him] Ah! Told you I was unstoppable! [spins to get the soot off him and coughs; the Loud pets storm off into the kitchen, all fed up with him; groans] I get it. You're still mad about the party. [follows them into the kitchen as Cliff removes the planks from the blocked doggy door] Let's talk about it like grown animals. [the pets exit through the doggy door, still ignoring him; groans annoyingly] Real mature, guys!

Sergio: [flies into the garage and kicks out some pigeons who are playing a drumset] Shoo! Shoo, you annoying creatures!
Lynn Sr.: [enters the garage; groggy] Sergio? What are you and all these pigeons doing in the garage?
Sergio: [nervously] I… uh… I'm Dream Sergio. You're just dreaming of all these birds.
Lynn Sr.: Oh, okay. That makes sense. [Sergio sends him back to bed] Good night, Dream Sergio.

Sergio: I'm doomed! The Louds are gonna wake up, see this mess, and rat me out to Rosa! I'm going to bird boot camp for sure! [sees the Loud pets laughing at his misfortune and approaches them; happily] Just the pets I wanted to see! Can you help me get rid of these pigeons? You're kind of my last hope. [the pets scoff in annoyance and go into Charles' doghouse, still jealous with him] I deserve that. Look, I'm sorry. I wasn't very nice to you today. [the pets peek their heads out, cautiously] I should have been cool with what you wanted to do. [the pets firmly gesture him to continue apologizing] And I shouldn't have lied about the party. [another gesture] And I shouldn't have been so insulting. [one more gesture] And I'm sorry for being a big-beaked jerk. [sadly turns away; the pets look at each other and decide to forgive him by offering him a hug; touched] Oh, thank goodness. [joins the hug] Boy, you really made me work for it. [breaks out of the hug] Okay, so how are we gonna get rid of these featherbrains?

[After Sergio and the Loud pets scare Sancho and the pigeons out of the Loud House…]
Sergio: That was amazing! I had you guys all wrong. You're totally cool, not mention, very clever. Mind if I hang till the fam gets back? [The pets look at each other and nod in agreement; Next morning, they're all playing a game of Old Maid in Charles' doghouse] Ooh, a match!
Rosa: Oh, Sergio! The Louds tell me you were the perfect houseguest.
Sergio: What can I say? It's easy when you're hanging with friends.
Rosa: Well, I'm very proud of you. Now, come on. It's time to go.
Sergio: Aw, five more minutes? I'm about to win at Old Maid!
Lynn Sr.: [off-screen] Rita, why is the basement covered in pigeon poop?!
Sergio: [panicking as Rosa glares grumpily at him, realizing what he's really been up to] Gotta go! [flies off as Rosa storms off after him while the Loud pets laugh]

Sleepless in Royal Woods [7.12b]

Rita: [heavily sleep-deprived; tired] Lily, are you tired, yet? It's going on 3:00 AM, sweetie.
Lily: Woo! Da-da!
Rita: [tired] It's okay, it's not your fault. It's your dad's. [sighs] That is the last time he gives you a chocolate-covered espresso bean for dessert. [imitating her husband] "Uh, I thought it was raisin."

Officer Shirley: [picks up the phone as it rings while having her cup of coffee] Officer Shirley, what is your emergency?
Rita: [frantically] I just saw a toddler--okay, no, wait, my toddler and I just saw a burglar running out of Jean Juan's. [while Officer Shirley starts writing notes] He was a small man or a medium-sized teen. We couldn't see the face. It's dark out, and I'm tired, so my vision is a little blurry.
Officer Shirley: Ma'am, could you slow down?
Rita: But he was definitely stealing food, the fromage con queso, or maybe the churro baguettes. Oh. Oh, that sounds so good right now. [dozes off, but her head hits the steering wheel and accidentally honks it, snapping her awake] Ah! [accidentally drops her phone] Oh, hang on. I dropped my phone. Oh, here it is! Are you still there?
Officer Shirley: What are you and your kid doing out at 4:00 AM?
Rita: Okay, well, my husband gave her an espresso bean, and now she's wide awake. [to Lily as she tries to break free of the seat belt while gnawing on it at the moment] Sweetie, do you have to pee?
[Lily shakes her head no]
Officer Shirley: [thinking that Rita means her] No, I just went. Listen, hon, you're not the first tired mom to call in a little confused. Last night, we had a lady mistaking a possum for a werewolf. [chuckles] Why don't you go home and get some rest? [hangs up]
Rita: Ugh! Can you believe her? [tired] I am not just some tired... confused mom...
Lily: Rude!
Rita: You know what, Lily? I say we do some investigating of our own. We track down the thief, we get some evidence, and then we call that officer back and say, "Who's confused now?"
Lily: Yeah, yeah! This is exciting! We show her!

Rita & Lily: [stunned to see the thief is revealed to be…] Mrs. Bernardo?!
Mrs. Bernardo: Well, normally, this is where you clap, but I'll accept stunned silence. [bows]
Rita: You're the thief?! Wait, what is going on?! Is this a dream?!
Mrs. Bernardo: Apologies for scaring you. I'm just training for an audition to play a thief, a crook, a desperado of the night! When I saw you were following me, I decided to roll with it, as they say. [scoffs] Of course, I wasn't going to harm you.
Rita: You did all of this to prepare for an audition?! We submerged ourselves in cheese!
Mrs. Bernardo: [claps] Bravo to that! What an excellent improv.
Lily: But what about all the-- [yawns] stuff you stole?
Mrs. Bernardo: Oh, stinky child. I'm going to put everything back. Thespian's honor. I have done this many times.
Rita: Well, this has been one crazy evening, but I suppose I'm partly to blame. I never should have dragged my child along while trying to play detective. Lily, sweetie, I owe you an apology-- [sees Lily now sleeping on one of the benches] Wow. [picks her up] Look at that. I guess chasing you around all night finally put her to sleep.

Episode 13


Hunn-cut Gems [7.13a]

Liam: [enters the Action News Team's newsroom; disappointed] Hey, y'all. [walks over the desk where Lincoln and Clyde are sitting] I'm sorry that yesterday's segment weren't all that and a bunch of oats.
Rusty: It's okay, dawg. We can't all have this kind of charisma. Uhh, another dizzy spell. [twirls around and faints]

Liam: Are you all right, Mee-Maw?
Mee-Maw: [shivering, still shaken up by the experience] What the heck happened?
Liam: Ugh, I was tryin' to shoot another segment for the show, but things got a little outta control.
Mee-Maw: [angrily] Well, I was almost a goner there, and you'll be doin' extra chores for two years! [Liam looks down in shame; then smiles at him] But I guess you got yourself one heck of a segment.

Can't Lynn Them All [7.13b]

Lynn: [wearing a wrestling outfit with spikes everywhere; weakly] Too spiky. [now wearing a fairy costume] Not gonna happen. [now dressed as a clown] No way. [now wearing Lincoln's clothes] Who wears this? [gets back in her usual clothes] Look, guys, this isn't working. None of these feel, I don't know, authentic.
Leni: Hmm. Maybe we need to dig a little deeper. Like, my fave wrestler, Pixie Cuts, used to be an actual hairstylist. Her character feels supes authentic.
Lincoln: Yeah. What is Lynn Loud really passionate about?

[Royal Woods Middle School; Lynn is driving around the hallways in her golf cart and all the students shoot spitballs at her, causing her to lose control and crash into the lockers]
Lynn: [as Meryl approaches her; weakly] Little help here, Meryl?
Meryl: [disgusted] For the Brawl Monitor? No way! [shoots more spitballs at her and leaves]
Lynn: Wow. Even Meryl hates me?

Episode 14


Bye, Tanya [7.14a]

[Royal Woods Mall; Fiona and Miguel are preparing unmotivated for the morning run at Reininger's when Leni enters]
Leni: [cheerfully holding a pink box; off-screen] Morning, fam!
Miguel: [over intercom] Attention, everyone! It's manager extraordinaire and fashion icon, Leni Loud! She dazzles in a chique-!
Fiona: [cutting him off] Like I said yesterday, it's too early for this, Miguel.
Leni: Look what I brought! [opens the box, revealing four decorated muffins] Ta-da!
Fiona & Miguel: Ooooh!
Leni: They're Fuffins. [Fiona and Miguel both react confusingly] Like, muffins, but fun.
Miguel & Fiona: Ooooh!
Leni: [hands each of her friends a muffin; walks over to Tanya with a happy gasp] Hi, Tanya! [hands her a muffin] I can't wait to hear about your date with Bradley from the sports department. [cut to Bradley, another mannequin dressed in tennis gear; gasps] Ooooh! It was a tennis date? LOVE that for you!
Fiona: [eating her muffin; delighted] Leni, you are the best!
Ms. Carmichael: [walks in] Couldn't have said it better myself, Fiona! [takes Miguel's muffin and takes a bite] I just love my Reninger's family. [chuckles, then more serious] Sometimes more than my own. [eats the rest of Miguel's muffin after a pause] Alright, team! Time for pre-opening announcements. First things first, I want to freshen up the store, so, get ready for some big changes around here.
Miguel: [gasps] Are we finally addressing the employee breakroom smell? I have some theories. [takes out his notepad and flicks through]
Ms. Carmichael: [bluntly] No.
Miguel: [closes his notepad and takes out a recorder; suspicious] Suspect #2 suspiciously changes the subject. Will monitor.
Ms. Carmichael: I want to start with the mannequins. The store's current stock are… [takes hold of a nearby mannequin's arm, which breaks off, its head immediately falls to the ground, as a swarm of spiders scuttle out; the rest of the mannequin collapses] Well, that just about says it all. I think it's time we retire them.
[Miguel and Fiona gasp and groan in apprehension; then cut to Leni, who doesn't understand]
Leni: [squeals in delight; excitedly] Tanya is going to LOVE retirement! [hugs Tanya] She TOTES deserves it! Oh I hope she goes to Florida! I can visit her on my spring break!
Fiona: Leni, I think Ms. Carmichael meant that she is getting rid of the old mannequins, including Tanya.
Leni: [gasps in horror and clutches her mannequin friend] You can't just get rid of her! Sure, she's a little quiet and sometimes her limbs fall off. [Tanya's head dislodges, readjusts it] But she's my friend!
Ms. Carmichael: Sorry, Leni. I know you've formed an attachment, but it's just a mannequin. [her phone rings] Well, the movers are here to take away the old mannequins right now. [walks away]
Fiona: I'm sorry, Leni. [walks over to her for comfort] Hey, maybe you'll meet a new Tanya.
Leni: I don't want a new Tanya! I have a Tanya! We have to save her! It's like, Miguel, imagine if Ms. C. wanted to throw away your favorite Italian leather belt.
Miguel: [gasps in horror] Beltissimo!? Over my dead-but-still-very-moisturized body! Okay, I am in! [holds out his hand]
Fiona: [rolls her eyes, lightly] Eh, why not? [adds her hand]
Leni, Miguel & Fiona: Save Tanya!

[As Leni, Fiona, and Miguel hide in the recycling room…]
Fiona: [takes her phone out of her pocket as it rings and gasps to see who's calling] It's Ms. Carmichael! I'll just call her back later!
Miguel: [takes his phone out of his pocket, shocked to see that Ms. Carmichael is also trying to call him] Sorry, Ms. C! Turn off phone. [turns off his phone] Watch out, Leni. She's probably gonna--
Leni: [answers her phone] Hello? Oh, hi, Ms. Carmichael! [gasps in horror] Ms. Carmichael?!
Ms. Carmichael: Leni, where are the three of you?! The post-lunch rush is about to start!
Leni: [sighs] M-Ms. C, I can explain. See, we left the store to rescue Tanya and bring her back.
Ms. Carmichael: [disbelieved] Rescue Tanya? Tanya the mannequin? Wha… Listen, if the three of you are not back at this store ASAP, you will all be fired!
Leni: [firmly] Don't be mad at Miguel and Fiona, this was all my idea. But you said it yourself: we're a family at Reininger's. And nowhere does it say that mannequins are excluded. Tanya's like the sister I never had.
Fiona: Uh, Leni? You have nine sisters.
Leni: [annoyed] You know what I mean. [to Ms. Carmichael] Fire me if you have to, but I have to save my friend. [hangs up and sadly groans] You guys need to go back. You can't lose your jobs because of me.
Fiona: [hugs Leni] As if!
Miguel: [joins them] Yeah! No mannequin left behind!

What Lies Beneath [7.14b]

[The Morticians are all helping Hank with his groundskeeping duties at the cemetery]
Hank: [trimming a grim reaper-shaped hedge] Thanks for your help with all my groundskeeping duties, kids! Now, don't forget, make sure each and every resident gets some TLC.
Lucy: [cleaning a gravestone as Haiku sets down a pair of orange chrysanthemums in front of one] Haiku, Caroline doesn't like mums. She's a lilac girl.
Haiku: Thank you, Lucy. [switches the orange mums for lilac flowers] I almost made a grave mistake. [she and Lucy both laugh monotonously]
Dante: [driving around on a tractor mower] Hang on, Virgil! I'm gonna pop the wheelie! [speed pasts Morpheus]
Morpheus: [annoyed] Stop hogging the mower, Dante! Gah, worst sharer ever! [groans after Dante drives past him again, blowing grass blades at him]
Boris: [playing his keyboard] Boris is jamming on the keys. Any requests from the dead? [suddenly trips on a headstone and ends up getting four keys in his mouth like teeth]
Bertrand: Are you okay, Boris?
Boris: [gets up on his feet and spits out the keys] Boris will live, sadly. [glances down at the mysterious "unknown" headstone] Oh, I've never noticed that headstone before.
Persephone: Hmm, neither have I. Hank, who's "Unknown"?
Hank: You got me. I know every inch of this graveyard and I don't remember that grave being here.
Dante: [gulps nervously, knowing that he was the one who placed it there before] Well, people do kick the bucket all the time, so...
Haiku: How tragic that someone would pass and remain nameless for eternity.
Lucy: As the Morticians Club, it's our duty to right such ghastly wrongs. I say we hold a séance to find out who rests here, then replace this headstone with one with their name.
Dante: [nervously rushes in front of the headstone] No! I don't think we should disturb their eternal slumber. You know how hard it is to go back to sleep when somebody wakes you up.
Lucy: A valid point, Dante.
[Dante smiles and sighs in relief]
Boris: Boris can play him some nice, soothing bedtime music. [plays a daunting tune on his keyboard, making Dante facepalm and groan in despair]
Lucy: Great idea, Boris. All those in favor? [the other members, except Dante, raise their hands and agree] Let the record show that the motion passes with much enthusiasm.

Bertrand: The spirit is within Dante! Please, tell us your name so we may honor you with a new gravestone.
Dante: [feigning a ghostly spirit] My name is… [blinks and notices an urn on a statue nearby] Urn-- [then notices a goblin statue's knee] Knee-- [then notices a shovel Hank is using to dig up dirt over a another grave] Shovel-- [then finally notices the cemetery's gate] Gate. Ernie Shovelgate. It's nice of you kids to want to get me a new headstone. But, don't go to all that trouble. I'm really shy, so "Unknown" totally works for me. Okay, well, I got to get back to the other side. [shakes himself and pretends to pass out as the smoke clears; then sits up, acting normal] Wow, I guess Ernie doesn't want a new headstone. Bummer, but what can you do? [realizes] That's a rhetorical question.
Haiku: You know, whenever it's my mother's birthday, she says "Don't go to all that trouble", which means, "You'd better go to all that trouble."
Lucy: That's a good point, Haiku. What if Ernie's just being modest? I say we buy him the headstone anyway. After he sees it, I'll bet he rolls over in his a happy way.

[The Morticians arrive the Cheaper Reaper store to buy a new headstone]
Lucy: [pushing a shopping cart] Okay, everyone, I know the Cheaper Reaper is a veritable wonderland of bereavement in bulk, but we need to remain focused. Persephone, do you have the club money?
Persephone: I do. [takes out her purse] And thanks to our embalming fundraiser last weekend, it looks like we have enough to buy Ernie a most splendid tribute.
Dante: [to Virgil] Whatever we do, we cannot let them leave here with the headstone! [Virgil points up to a sign that reads…] "You break it, you buy it." [gasps] Virgil, that's it! You're one smart cemetery cat.

[As Dante pushes the "unknown" headstone away and heaves the bag out the ground…]
Haiku: [off-screen] What are you doing?
[Dante reacts in surprise and accidentally launches the bag into the air and lands in front of the other Morticians; They gasp to see what was inside]
Persephone: It's not Ernie Shovelgate.
Bertrand: It's…
Morpheus: Auntie Pam?!
Lucy: Gasp.
[Lightning flashes and Boris plays a note on his keyboard; Inside the bag, was revealed to be not Auntie Pam herself, but just three tubs of ice cream and an ice cooler]
Bertrand: You buried Auntie Pam's ice cream?
[Dante groans in despair]
Lucy: So, Ernie wasn't real?
[Dante sadly shakes his head in rejection, realizing his secret is revealed]
Persephone: But why, Dante? Why did you deceive us?
Dante: [glances down at Virgil, and then confesses] Because… Because I wanted to hide my ice cream so none of you could have any. It's cookies and scream, my all-time favorite.
Morpheus: Ugh. It's the riding lawnmower all over again. I've said it before and I'll say it once more: Worst sharer ever.
[The other Morticians agree in disappointment]
Lucy: Sad but true.
Dante: [upset] Sigh. I know. I'm really sorry. But, I'll try to be better, I swear. As a matter of fact… [lifts up one of the ice cream tub and inhales] Uh… Who wants some… [suddenly snatches it back, growling evilly in selfishness; then inhales deeply] You can do it, Dante. Who wants some of my ice cream?

Episode 15


An Inspector Falls [7.15a]

Luan: [groaning impatiently] Where is Mrs. Bernardo? The cast list for "The Case of the Missing Corgi" should be up by now.
Amy: Mm, I can't wait to find out who gets to play the lead, Detective Agatha Mystery.

Mrs. Bernardo: So, Luan, our brilliant detective, did you crack the case, yet?
Luan: The trail went a little cold, but don't worry, I'm gonna figure it out!
Rex: [approaching to Amy while running up to the stage] Hey, Amy. Ready to go? [holds out his hand] Let me take your bag.
Amy: [notices a red mark on his hand] Rex, what happened to your hand? [takes a close look at it] It looks like… rope burns?
Rex: What? No. I… I… uh… scraped my hands in pottery class.
Amy: Our school doesn't offer pottery. [realizes] Wait a minute. You cut the rope!
[Mrs. Bernardo, Benny, and Luan all gasp in shock]
Mrs. Bernardo: What a twist!
Rex: [guilty] I'm sorry, Amy. But ever since you got cast as Gertrude, you haven't had any time to hang out with me. I just thought I scared you, you'd quit the play.
Amy: [disgusted] Super selfish, Rex. You and I are through.
Rex: [leaves the stage, tearfully over their break up] Oh, no!
Mrs. Bernardo: Well done, Amy! I had no idea you had such stellar investigative skills!

Audience Member: [surprised as Amy catches an umbrella, left-handed] She's a lefty? I did not see that one coming.

One in a Million [7.15b]

Flip: [laughs] You gotta get up pretty early in the morning to fool ole Flip. Nacho here overheard you dunderheads talking in the parking lot and clued me in. So while you were busy tearing each other apart, I had to move all the merchandise out. Call it a "restocking day." Oh, there is one thing left.
Chandler: [gasps and sees a dusty bag of Flipeos] Flipeos? That's it?! [blows the dust off, getting some of it on Flip's face]
Flip: Be careful eating 'em. [Chandler opens the bag and a stink cloud emerges, making his hair all fuzzy] They're older than you are.
Chandler: [throws the bag on the ground; enraged] This is so unfair! I'm the one who cheats people! You stink, Flip, and that's coming from someone whose dad works in the sewer! [storms out of the store]
Flip: [picks up the Flipeo bag and eats one] Eh, it's not bad.
[Lincoln and Clyde wince as Chandler angrily leaves the store, slamming the door shut]
Lincoln: Well, we may not have won, but we did get to see Chandler lose.
Clyde: Small comfort in a cruel world.
[Lincoln sighs as he and Clyde head for the door]
Flip: [blocking their way, halting them] And where do you two bozos think you're going? I suppose I should say thank you. While you were trying to get to one million, you actually gave me the best day of business I ever had. And that includes the time the supermarket down the street flooded. [whispers to the boys] Suspiciously. [winks] I think that deserves a reward.

Episode 16


Dread of the Class [7.16a]

Lincoln: [to the viewers] That's right. Ronnie Anne is about to get her pranking PHD, which is cool, but I'm just excited my buddy's in town, and we get to hang out. Plus, Dad made the appetizers, like mac 'n' cheese bites. [brings in a cart of appetizers and eats a mac 'n' cheese bite, then ends up spitting it out] Which of course, Luan filled with octopus ink. Real nice.
Luan: Benny, you may be stalled at level one whoopee cushion, but someday, if you work hard, you'll graduate too.
Benny: Aw, thanks, Luan. Until then, I'll just keep pouring my savings into this class.
Luan: Ronnie Anne, please accept this diploma.
[Mr. Coconuts gives Ronnie Anne her diploma as Benny applauds while shedding tears]
Lincoln: Woo-hoo! Yeah, Ronnie Anne!
Ronnie Anne: [throwing her graduation cap in the air] I'd like to thank my brother, Bobby, for being the main target of my homework assignment. [suddenly notices that the printing on her diploma is starting to fade] Uh, what's happening?!
Luan: Ha, ha! Disappearing ink! You haven't graduated yet. There is a final test you must complete, and this test is the hardest. [laughs sinisterly]
Benny: I did not see this coming! [eats a piece of chocolate cake, which then burns him as he screams] AH! Or that ghost pepper! Classic Luan.
Luan: Ronnie Anne, you must prank the master: me. And it must be done before sundown, so tick-tock. Remember your mantra: Work with what you've got. [throws a fart bomb and disappears as Ronnie Anne coughs]
Ronnie Anne: Fart cloud!

Lincoln: Uh, what are you doing?
Ronnie Anne: Prank meditating. It helps me focus. I need to think of something I haven't tried yet.

Lincoln & Ronnie Anne: [shocked after Benny removes his Luan costume] Benny?!
Benny: Sorry, guys. Luan promise me half-off to wishing if I helped her. That class isn't cheap.
Lincoln: Your Luan was incredible.
Benny: Thanks. [impersonating Luan's voice] Voice mimicry is the only "A" I've gotten.
Ronnie Anne: [groans] So where's Luan, now?!
[They see Luan in the distance, laughing sinisterly, and she then bikes away]
Lincoln: That was unnerving.
Ronnie Anne: We can't let her get away, or we'll never prank her in time! There's only 23 minutes until sunset!
Benny: Learning to tell time by the sun is also part of--
Lincoln: Of the class. I get it.

Welcome to the Doll Heist [7.16b]

Lynn Sr.: [answers the door, finding Ingrid's mom, Candace there] Oh, hi, Candace. [calling out] Lily, Ingrid's mommy is here!
[Lily and Ingrid both come downstairs]
Candace: Thanks for having Ingrid over. Lily is welcome at our place anytime. [leaves and gets into their car; to her daughter] Did you have fun, sweetie?
Ingrid: Yep, yep! [as her mother puts her in the booster seat] Look, look, look! Look what I got! [pulls Eunice out her backpack] I'm gonna name her Princess Cotton Candy!
[Lily reacts in horror, realizing she accidentally traded Lola's beloved Eunice]
Candace: How about you take your new friend to the grocery store with us?
Lily: [frantically after the car drives off] No, no, no, no, no! She take Eunice! [fearfully imagines what would Lola find out if she returns home]
Lola: [with her face turning red of fury] LILY!!! [roars in rage with a blast of fire from her mouth, which strongly blasts the roof open]

Lily: [dashes into Lincoln's room; frantically] Lincoln!
Lincoln: [yelps and fires a net out of his net cannon in midair and it lands on him] Dang it.
Lily: Need help. Big problem!
Lincoln: Lily, it's okay. Calm down. I'm sure whatever it is isn't that bad.
Lily: [grabs her brother by the face] I trade Eunice to Ingrid!
Lincoln: Well, it was nice knowing ya.
Lily: It was accident! They go to grocery store! Please help me get her back!

Lily: Ingrid! We have to trade back! Take Nugget, and I get back Eunice!
Ingrid: Her name is Princess Cotton Candy now, and no way! We traded, no backsies, those are the rules!

Lily: [worried] I'm toast, and not the yummy cinnamon kind.
Lincoln: No, you're not, Lily. I've got a plan. There's an issue of David Steele where he assembles a team to break into Golden Toe's lair to take his, you know, golden toe.
Lily: [confused] We're gonna take Ingrid's toe?
Lincoln: No. We'll do our own heist and get back Eunice before Lola ever knows she was missing.
Lily: Ooh, sneaky.
Lincoln: We just need a map of Ingrid's house.
Lisa: Hmm. Perhaps I can assist. I, too, would like to protect our youngest kin from Lola's ire. Besides, I need Lily in one piece to complete the rest of our human nightlight test trial. I have a way we could get a full scan of Ingrid's house and the location of your desired target. I'll just have to initiate Todd's new pizza oven modification.

[In the dining room, Lincoln and Lily have gathered Luan, Lynn, Lana, Lisa, and Todd all together for a meeting at the table]
Lincoln: Welcome to Operation Unicorn Heist. We've set another playdate for Lily and Ingrid tomorrow, and we need all your special skills to help rescue Eunice before Lola gets home. Here's the plan: [Lily shows the first drawing of him talking to Candace] I'll distract Ingrid's mom. [the second drawing shows Luan keeping Ingrid busy with her clown entertainment] Luan, you keep Ingrid entertained. [the third drawing shows Lana distracting Ingrid's dog with a bone] Lana, you distract the dog.
Todd: Good luck. He's a biter. [turns around, showing a chunk bitten off by the dog]
Lincoln: [as Lily holds up the fourth drawing of herself swapping Eunice and Nugget in Ingrid's room] Lily, you get to Eunice in Ingrid's bedroom where you'll swap her for Nugget. [the fifth drawing shows Lynn retrieving Eunice by using a drone] Lynn, you're on extraction.
Lynn: Yes! I love extracting junk!
Lincoln: [confused] And then we all hold hands under a rainbow?
Lily: [chuckles sheepishly, realizing she was holding a drawing of that and puts it away] That drawing for school.

[Back at the Loud House; In Lola and Lana's room, Lincoln places Eunice back in her place at Lola's tea party]
Lola: Little Miss Hair Flip is home, everyone! [the siblings all dash out of the room and into the hallway, acting badly innocent] Huh. Just as weird as I remember. [enters her room] Oh, Eunice, I missed you! [kisses her] Wait, why do you smell like kumquats?

'Twas the Fight Before Christmas (Episode 17)

[Winter season in Royal Woods; At the Loud House, the sisters are playing a Christmas bingo game based on what Lynn Sr. says while faking a back injury]
Lana: [eating a bucket of popcorn] What'd I miss?
Lisa: Three wails, two moans, and 14 "Ding-dang darn it!"s. I just need Dad to say the word "Sciatica" and I'll win this year's bingo game.
Lincoln: [to the viewers] You probably think my sisters are being a little harsh, but let me assure you, my dad's totally fine. Every year, he fakes the same back injury to get out of seeing his brother, our Uncle Lance, which stinks, because that means we can't spend the holidays with our Aunt Sharon or our cousins. [takes out his phone, showing a photo of his Uncle Lance, his wife, Sharon, and their kids: Shane, Shelby, and Shiloh] The trouble started five years ago. [scrapes some frosting off the gingerbread Loud House roof and sprinkles it on some snowmen] Uncle Lance and his family drove all the way from Petoskey Falls to spend the holidays with us. [Flashback to Christmas Eve night, five years ago, the young-aged Loud kids are all asleep upstairs; in rhyming narration] 'Twas the night before Christmas when all through the Loud House, not a child was stirring, to the relief of Mr. Grouse. [Lynn Sr., Leonard, and Sharon had just finished eating dessert at the dining table while Lance is doing sit-ups on his exercise ball] The adults finished dessert, figgy pudding so decadent, when Mom stood out to call…
Rita: [calling out] It's time to play White Elephant!
[Lynn Sr., Leonard, Lance, and Sharon all enter the living room to pick numbers from a bowl Rita is holding]
Lynn Sr.: I'm up first!
Lincoln: [narrating] …Dad said as he reached in the pile, and pulled out a present that gave him a smile.
Lynn Sr.: [grabs a present and unwraps it, revealing a new spatula; gasps] It's a spatula!
Lincoln: [narrating] …he shouted, and the new model, too. [Lance sees his paper and grins maliciously] Then Uncle Lance eyed his paper as a giddy grin grew.
Lance: Oh, I'm up next in this game, and I think I'll take that. [swipes his brother's new spatula]
Lincoln: [narrating] …which made Dad jump to his feet in two seconds flat.
Lynn Sr.: [gets up, completely incensed] But I wanted that, Lance!
Lincoln: [narrating] …my dad did burst.
Lance: Tough toenails, it's mine now. You'll have to catch me first.
Lynn Sr.: [chasing his brother all around the room to get the spatula back; grunting] Give it!
Lincoln: [narrating] Acting like children, the men gave chase over sofas, side tables, and the crackling fireplace.
Lance: [blows a raspberry and obtains the high ground by standing on his exercise ball] I can do this all night, champ. You should give up and stop.
Lincoln: [narrating] But Dad leapt for the spatula, making Lance's new ball pop.
[Lynn Sr. leaps on top of the ball and continues to struggle for the spatula, thus, breaking the ball]
Lance: My Ab Blaster 3000! Lynnie, look what you did!
Lynn Sr.: It's your fault! You've been messing with me since we were kids!
Lance: Your fault times a thousand!
Lynn Sr.: Nuh-uh, it's your fault times infinity!
Lincoln: [narrating] The brothers continued their bickering symphony.
Lynn Sr. & Lance: Well, we agree on one thing.
Lincoln: [narrating] …barked these two angry men.
Lynn Sr. & Lance: [turning away from each other] Let's never speak to each other! Never, ever again!
[7-year-old Lincoln watches everything from upstairs, looking worried; Back to the present]
Lincoln: But this year's going to be different, I promise you that. For the first time in years, Gramps is finally back. [realizes] Ugh. Sorry, still in rhyme mode. [to his sisters] Guys, put away your bingo cards. I've got a little plan to bring Dad and Uncle Lance back together.
Lynn: [gasps] Lincoln has a plan. That's my last space! [whooping and hollering in victory] BINGO! WOOHOO! [picks up her brother] WOO! WOOHOO!
[Meanwhile… at another Loud House in Petoskey Falls; Lance and Sharon are doing a yoga session in the living room while Lance fakes a foot injury]
Sharon: And you say all of this pain is that started suddenly last night out of nowhere is from athlete's foot?
Lance: It's what happens to athletes, Shar-Shar. Sometimes I just wish I wasn't so physically gifted. [collapses right in front of Shelby]
Shelby: It's okay, Dad. Sweater Santa will get you a new foot. [moves the mouth of her sweater while speaking Mr. Coconuts-style]
Sweater Santa: Ho-ho-ho! I've got one lying around the North Pole. Don't ask.
Shiloh: [swinging on top of the tree and flings himself] Christmas Tree cannonball!
Sharon: [catches him] Shiloh, no cannonballs in the house. But it was a perfect 10, baby.

Shane: [as he and his siblings get a call from Lincoln] Sounds like your dad's seasonal aches and pain are back, too.
Shiloh: Guess it's gonna be another year apart.
Lincoln: Actually, that's exactly what I was calling about. What if I told you there was a way for us to spend Christmas together this year?
Shelby: [takes Shane's phone] And what if I told you, goldfish speak fluent Portuguese? [realizes what Lincoln meant as everyone reacts confused] I thought we were just saying stuff. Are you serious? Christmas together would be amazing.
Lincoln: Yep. I call it Operation See You on the Brother Side. Phase one: Get our dads in the same place. Time to put in a call to Gramps.

Rita: [lugging a giant fish; deadpan] This must be from Gramps.
Lynn Sr.: [yelps as Rita holds the giant fish in his face; the fish then regurgitates out a letter; reading] "Set sail on the SS Gramps. Won't you join me for Christmas at Camp Mastodon? Please RSVP in enclosed pre-stamped flounder." [the giant fish regurgitates a flounder] Oh, dear! [elated] Christmas with Dad? Oh, heck yes!
Rita: [clears throat] What about your bad back, dear?
Lynn Sr.: [remembering that] You know, I-I'm feeling a lot better now, I am. It's... It's a Christmas miracle!
Lori: [texting on her phone] Texting cousins, "Dad bought it." Oh, Shelby's typing. [Texts from Shelby appear] Santa emoji, foot emoji, thumbs-up emoji. Sounds like Uncle Lance bought it too.
Lincoln: Yes!

[Both sides of the Loud family arrive at Camp Mastodon to have Christmas with Grandpa Leonard]
Lynn Sr. & Lance: [walking up to each other's faces, not thrilled to see each other] What are you doing here?! I asked you first! DAD!
[Leonard chuckles nervously]
Lincoln: Don't be mad at Gramps. This was our idea. We knew you'd only come if you thought your brother wasn't.
Leonard: It's time you two bury the spatula once and for all. What do you say?
Lynn Sr.: Okay. Everyone in the van!
Lance: Yeah! We're going back home too!
Luan: Wait. You two have to stay. Consider it an early Christmas present to us.
Lola: Um, that will not be one of mine. [looks at her twin]
Sharon: Honey, it's Christmas Eve. Remember our mantra.
Both: I am strong here. [point to Lance's bicep] I am strong here. [point to their heads] And I'm strong here. [point to his heart]
Lance: [inhaling calmly] Fine, but I'm not happy about it.
Lynn Sr.: Oh, yeah? Well, I'm even less happy about it.
Rita: [fed up] Great. You're both unhappy. At least you have that in common.
[The two grown Loud brothers turn away from each other and leave]
Sharon: [also fed up as Rita walks up to her] Oh, well.
Rita: So they haven't changed, but it's so good to see you! [she and Sharon hug]
Sharon: You too!
[The Loud cousins are all excited to see each other and hug]
Lincoln: Okay, it's going about as well as I expected. Now for Phase Two: Family Christmas Activities. Once our dads get in the holiday spirit, they'll totally forget about their fight.
Sweater Santa: Never underestimate the power of Christmas.

Luna: Well, that was a total bust, dudes.
Shelby: I think they hate each other even more now.
Leonard: Ah, fish paste. You minnows warm up in here. I'm going to go get us a tree for the mess hall. [gets his jacket, which is next to old photo of him, Young Lynn Sr., and Young Lance, actually getting along with each other, in the forest] Your dads used to love help me pick one out. [shows Lincoln the photo] It was our favorite Christmas tradition. But, uh, well, this year, I don't think that's happening.
Lincoln: [looks at the photo and thinks, then suddenly gets an idea] What if we make it happen? Maybe this will be the one thing that brings them together.

Leonard: Hey, boys, I think I found the perfect tree! [starts to chop it down with his axe]
Lance: [smiling to his brother; remembering a happier time] Do you remember the time that tree accidentally fell on Vanzilla?
[Flashback to when they were kids; Leonard chops down a tree, and it wobbles before landing on top of Vanzilla, much to his disheartening, but the boys chuckle amusingly]
Lynn Sr.: [narrating on another flashback to when they were teenagers] Oh, oh, or how about the great squirrel incident?
[Leonard chops down a tree, that's occupied by a family of squirrels, who are not too happy with him, and they start attacking him while the teenage brothers swat each other, laughing]
Lance: [narrating on another flashback to when they were young adults] You know, nothing beats that time we accidentally chopped down that telephone pole.
[Leonard accidentally chops down a telephone pole, mistaking it for a tree, which then falls into the other poles like dominoes, knocking them all over, and killing the power in the camp; the young adult brothers cringe, but laugh, as usual]
Lynn Sr.: [remembering] Oh, we didn't have phone service for a month.

[As all the Louds decorate the tree in the mess hall…]
Shiloh: Make way! [jumps into the tree from the bottom and works his way up to the top and places a starfish on top] Gramps! Instead of a star, I put a starfish on top. Christmas tree cannonball! [cannonballs right on top of Leonard]

Lincoln: Guys, this is the most perfect Christmas ever.
Lance: [suddenly notices a spider on the fireplace while putting up the garland] AH! SPIDER! [grabs his brother's spatula out of the fruitcake and smashes it against the mantle, trying to kill the spider, thus bending it]
Lynn Sr.: [freaks out when he saw that his brother accidentally damaged his spatula as he returns from the kitchen] Ah! My new spatula! [suddenly remembers what they were fighting about]
[Leonard and the kids all cringe]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Um, maybe I spoke too soon.
[End of Act 1; Beginning Act 2]
Lynn Sr.: [swipes back his spatula; furiously to his brother] You did that on purpose!
Lance: Did not!
Lynn Sr.: Did too!
Lance: Quit being such a weenie! It's just a dumb kitchen utensil.
Lynn Sr.: [standing next to the exercise ball] Oh, yeah?! Well I guess this is just a dumb rubber ball, huh?
Lance: [gasps] You wouldn't harm the the Ab Blaster, this one's the 5000!
Lynn Sr.: Well, what can I say? We "weenies" are unpredictable. [tries to pop it with the spatula only for it to bounce off and hit him in the face, then rips it with his teeth instead]
[Lance reacts in shock and remembers what their fight was about]
Rita: [covering Lily's eyes; angrily shocked] Lynn!
Lance: [grabs a cookie off the tray] Say goodbye to gingerbread you! [bites the head off of the cookie, making Lynn Sr. grab his own throat in horror]
Sharon: [covering Shiloh's eyes; also angrily shocked] Lance!
Lynn Sr.: Say goodbye to… [tries to pick up Lance's kettlebell, but it's too heavy] Okay, not that. Ah-ha! [grabs the "ENDURE-LANCE" ornament from the tree, throws it on the ground, and stomps on it]
Lance: [sees a present; reads label] "For Lynn." Ha! Not today, Santa! [soccer-kicks the present right out the open window, sending it miles into the forest] Goal!
Lisa: Actually, that was for Lynn Jr.
Leonard: [blasting an air horn, stopping his boys' fighting; irritated] For the love of Neptune, enough! Can't we just have a nice, quiet Loud Christmas?
Lynn Sr.: I am not having Christmas with him.
Lance: I'm not having Christmas with him.
Rita: Well, we're all here for the night, so how are we going to make this work?
[Later, the two adult brothers have divided the mess hall in half for their families to have Christmas dinner on both sides]
Lynn Sr.: [slicing a ham for his family on one side] Well, this works for me.
Lance: [slicing tofu for his family on the opposite] Works for me, more.
Leonard: [sitting in the middle with a big orange stripe painted right down his middle] Yeah, not so much for me.
Lynn Sr.: Sorry, Dad, but it's the only way to make sure you don't take sides.

Lincoln: Guys, this is the worst.
Lola: The fighting or the tofu gravy?

[As Lynn Sr. and Lance put on their winter clothes before heading out to rescue Lincoln, Lori, and Shelby…]
Lynn Sr.: You know, this is all your fault, Lance. If you hadn't acted like such a jerk, the kids never would have tried to pull this stunt!
Lance: [offended] Oh, I was the jerk? You were the one who--
Rita: Stop! This is no time for arguing!
Sharon: Rita's right, you have to go rescue the kids. Hurry, please!
[The two adult brothers run for the door, but get stuck in it]
Lynn Sr.: I was here first!
Lance: No, I was!
Leonard: Oh, for trout's sake. [shoves them out the door]

Sweater Santa: [to the viewers] Merry Christmas, everybody! Ho-ho-ho!

Episode 18


Let's Break a Deal [7.18a]

Boris: Oh, Boris has been waiting an eternity for our pizza.
Morpheus: [clears throat] Allow me to help. [flips through the pages of his spell book] Pillows, pinwheels, pitchforks. Ah, pizza. "Sauce like blood and cheese that bubbles, bring our pizza on the double!"
[A green spell wisp zips over towards the pick-up counter where Rusty is waiting in line, annoyingly, and picks up the pizza box]
Rusty: [gasps as the pizza box flies past him, but smacks him in the face] Watch the hair! [sees the pizza box drifting over to the three Morticians and Lucy and Boris begin eating; amazed] Oh, wow! Hmm… [gets an idea and runs over to the booth] Hey, Lucy, still gothing it up, I see. Anyway, can I get an intro to your wizard friend?
Lucy: [annoyed] Ugh, whatever gets you to leave me alone the quickest. Hey, Morpheus, this is my brother's friend, Rusty.
Rusty: Oh, great and powerful wizard of 'Za. [bows down to Morpheus] I saw that trick you just did. Pretty sweet. You wouldn't happen to have any spells that could, say, help me get the high score in Dance Battle?
Morpheus: Ugh, normy dancing. So cringe.
Rusty: You call this cringe? [shows off his dancing skills, ending with a split] Aw, yeah!

Rusty: [walks back to Morpheus and slaps him in the back, to his annoyance] Dude, major props! You know, you're alright. We should hang.
Morpheus: Why would we do that?
Rusty: [hesitating] Uh, 'cause, y'know, we have a lot in common, like, we're both...dudes. [relents as Morpheus reacts unconvincingly] Okay, fine. I'm into the spells! Maybe we can help each other out? You scratch my back, I scratch yours?
Morpheus: [literally taking it] Ugh, I loathe being touched by human hands. But perhaps, there's another way you can repay me: I'll grant you one day of spells if at nightfall, you grant me one favor.
Rusty: Rustman's always down to do a bro a solid.
Morpheus: Very well. [takes a contract out of his cape] Sign here in blood. [flash of lightning cracks and Rusty shrieks; takes out a pen] Or red pen. Your call.
[Rusty eagerly takes the pen and signs the contract, accepting the deal; Later at the Spokes house…]
Rusty: Oh, this gonna be so sweet! I've always wanted a cool stache. Now, remember, thick and bushy.
Morpheus: [takes out his spell book and chants a spell] "Scales of newt, mane of a bull. Let the lip grow nice and full!"
[The green spell wisp accidentally makes Rusty's lips oversized]
Rusty: [in a lisp] How's it wook? Does it wook gweat? [realizes] Wait, something feels weiwd. [looks into the bathroom mirror and screams in horrified shock] What did wou do?!
Morpheus: [looks in his spell book, realizing the problem] Oh, sorry, my bad, missed a word. I should have said, "lip hair." Let's try that again.
[Later at Duds for Dudes; Rusty looks into the mirror with his new mustache]
Rodney: Looking good, son.
Rusty: I know.
Rodney: Thanks for lending a hand at the summer sale, you two. We've got to sell every single piece of last season's inventory. So turn on that old Spokes charm! I'll man the cash register. Good luck, boys.
Rusty: Okay, Morphy.
Morpheus: No.
Rusty: [clears throat] Morpheus. I'm gonna need one of your spells to sell all this old merch. Otherwise, I'm gonna be here all day.
Morpheus: [going through his spell book] Let's see. Ah, here it is, denim desire. "This should work. Spirits of persuasion, hear my spell, spell, spell. Make these wretched garments sell, sell, sell!"

Rusty: It worked! I have a date! Oh, I better go figure out what to wear. Thanks for the help today, dawg.
Morpheus: Uh, aren't you forgetting our deal? Now you owe me something.
Rusty: Oh, right, sure. What'll it be? Cash, hang sesh, pop and lock lessons?
Morpheus: Your hair.
Rusty: [laughs] I thought you said my hair. I was like, "AH!" [laughs]
Morpheus: I did. I need it for one of my spells. [takes out a razor and turns it on]
Rusty: [shrieks in horror] Dude, get that thing away from me! You can't have my hair, it's my best feature!
Morpheus: A deal's a deal. You signed a contract, bro!
Rusty: Look! A hearse! [scampers away as Morpheus looks in the opposite direction]
Morpheus: [turns back, realizing he was tricked] Curses! He took advantage of my weakness for motorized corpse transport.
Rusty: [running away, selfishly] See ya, chumps!
Morpheus: Well, Thorn, if he won't fulfill his end of the bargain, we'll just have to make him pay. [grins vengefully]

Rusty: [arriving at Gus'] I don't need spells! The Rustman is oozing with charm. [quickly runs inside and approaches Amber, who's waiting] Amber, hey! Sorry I'm late.
Amber: What happened to your clothes?
Rusty: Nothing. I'm rocking the destroyed look. It's super trendy right now. [pulls out a chair] Shall we sit?
Amber: Oh, thank you. [begins to sit down, but a wisp flies into the chair's legs and slides it away, causing her to land on the ground]
Rusty: Oh, my gosh! That wasn't me! [looks over and sees Morpheus sitting at a booth]
Morpheus: [cackles] This can all end if you just give me your hair. [takes out a razor and grins deviously]

Rusty: [places his hair back on his head, disgruntled over all the trouble he went through for nothing] Ugh, I am so done with spells. [hurries over to Amber, now free from Morpheus' spell while trying to get out of the claw machine] So where were we, my precious Amber stone?
Amber: [furiously] We were done! This was the worst date ever! I never want to see you again! [angrily throws a stuffed giraffe at Rusty, which hits him in the head and knocks off his hair]
Rusty: Well, lost my hair and the girl, but at least I got this sweet prize! Rustman's still winning!

A Dish Come True [7.18b]

Lincoln: Hey, Dad. I'm ready to get to work and-- [screams in shock when he sees Luna, Luan, Lynn, and Lana all there, grinning] What are you guys doing here?!
Lynn: The jig is up, Stinkoln! We know you're trying to get a dish named after you. And we came to beat you at your own game. [fist bumps with Lana]
Luna: Yeah, bro. At first we thought it was really dumb, but then I realized, people ordering a Moon Goat cheese salad will be really good for the band.
Luan: And there's nothing fishy about a Luan-chovy pizza.
Lana: I think a dessert called the Ba-Lana split sounds pretty yummy.
[Luna, Luan, and Lana all look at Lynn]
Lynn: I just wanna win at another thing.
Lynn Sr.: [emerges from the kitchen and hugs all his four daughters together] Look at my daughters, who also want to spend more time with their old man and learn about the restaurant biz.
Lynn: [in unison] Definitely.
Luna: [in unison] Totally.

Lynn Sr.: [clapping his hands, gathering everyone] Okay, everyone, gather around.
Luna, Luan, and Lana: One, two, three! [bust down the fridge, freeing themselves]
Lynn Sr.: Okay, not gonna ask. I got to duck out to meet my duck-guy.
Luan: I hope he's not a quack. [she and her father laugh]
Lynn Sr.: That's a good one. Anywho, Kotaro and Grant are in charge until I get back, okay? [leaves]
Kotaro: Okay, guys, let's just stay focused and…
Loud Siblings: [fiercely to each other] YOU'RE ALL GOING DOWN!

Grant: [using a tray to shield himself from Luna firing ketchup and mustard as he approaches her and swipes the bottles out of her hands] Guys, cut it out!
Kotaro: [takes a plate of food out of Luan's hand] You're acting like children! Which I know you technically are, but still!

Lynn Sr.: [shocked at his restaurant's messy appearance from the siblings' food fight] My restaurant! My livelihood! [to his kids; upset] I can't believe you kids! [then turns to Kotaro and Grant; sharped] And you, Kotaro and Grant, I expect this behavior from my children, but not from you!
Kotaro & Grant: What?
Lynn Sr.: [covers both their mouths] You know what? You can forget about winning Employee of the Month, now! [takes off his cooking hat as he storms off to the kitchen] Neither of you deserve it!
[Kotaro and Grant both sulk]
Lincoln: Wait, Dad, this is all our fault. Grant and Kotaro were only trying to break up our food fight.
Luna: Yeah. The five of us got so caught up in trying to win Employee of the Month, and we lost control.
Lynn Sr.: [gasps in realization] That's what you guys have been up to these last few days? Trying to win that award?
Lincoln: [sighs as he and his four sisters all nod their heads yes in guilt] Yes, but we definitely don't deserve it.
Luna: But Grant and Kotaro do!

Episode 19


Beg, Borrow and Steele [7.19a]

Lincoln: STOP! If I keep this up, I'm going to need a coffin for real.
Lynn: Well, if you're not gonna work for us anymore, we want our money back!
Leni, Lucy, and Lisa: Yeah!
Lily: Figure it out, Lincoln!
Lincoln: [groans] You guys are right. I never should have borrowed money that I couldn't pay back. [looks at his David Steele action figure, sadly] I know what I have to do.

There Will Be Mud [7.19b]

Liam: [to his farm animals] Aww, I'm sorry, gang. I wish y'all could be inside with us too, but we're tryin' to fit in and these folks ain't the farm animal type. [the horse blows raspberry at him] Yeah, I deserve that. Look, I know this won't make it up to y'all, but I brought somethin' for everyone. [holds up a plate of party food, opens the gate and places it inside the pen, and then walks away, but forgot to close the gate]

Episode 20


Riddle School [7.20a]

Lincoln: [dashing through the halls, stops and takes a breath; to the viewers] It's finally here! [points to a sign reading: "SPAGHETTI DAY! FRIDAY"] Spaghetti day! It only happens once a month and everybody goes wild for it, which is why I need to get a good spot in line.

Lincoln: [takes the first bite of his spaghetti and notices something off, his face turns red after he swallows] Uh, does this marinara sauce taste different to anyone?
Clyde: [realizes] Wait, yeah. Something is off. And that something is… spicy?! [his face also turns red, and so does Rusty] Ah! Very spicy! Why is it so spicy?!
Liam: [blasting steam out of his ears] Hoowie. I can feel it, y'all!
Rusty: [lifts up his shirt as his stomach growls] The beast is angry!

Lincoln: Let me get this straight. You set up this whole thing just to test us for an elective class you're teaching?
Mr. Bolhofner: Yup.
Clyde: [sits down on the floor] Uh, I think I need to lie down. [lies down]
Mr. Bolhofner: Buckle up, you have ten more weeks of this. And I've got some doozies planned. [the Action News Team groan and pass out] Oh, uh, word of advice, don't eat the meatloaf tomorrow.

Love Me Tenor [7.20b]