The Simpsons

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The Simpsons is an popular US animated television series on the Fox Network (December 17, 1989 - present) created by Matt Groening. It documents the life of the Simpson family in the town of Springfield.

1 Season 1
- 1.1 Bart the Genius [1.02]
- 1.2 Homer's Odyssey [1.03]
- 1.3 There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]
- 1.4 Bart the General [1.05]
- 1.5 Moaning Lisa [1.06]
- 1.6 The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]
- 1.7 The Telltale Head [1.08]
- 1.8 Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]
- 1.9 Homer's Night Out [1.10]
- 1.10 The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]
- 1.11 Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]
- 1.12 Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]
2 Season 2
- 2.1 Bart Gets an F [2.01]
- 2.2 Simpson and Delilah [2.02]
- 2.3 Treehouse of Horror [2.03]
- 2.4 Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]
- 2.5 Dancin' Homer [2.05]
- 2.6 Dead Putting Society [2.06]
- 2.7 Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]
- 2.8 Bart the Daredevil [2.08]
- 2.9 Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]
- 2.10 One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]
- 2.11 The Way We Was [2.12]
- 2.12 Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]
- 2.13 Principal Charming [2.14]
- 2.14 Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]
- 2.15 Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16]
- 2.16 Old Money [2.17]
- 2.17 Brush with Greatness [2.18]
- 2.18 Lisa's Substitute [2.19]
- 2.19 The War of the Simpsons [2.20]
- 2.20 Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21]
- 2.21 Blood Feud [2.22]
3 Season 3
- 3.1 Stark Raving Dad [3.01]
- 3.2 Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02]
- 3.3 When Flanders Failed [3.03]
- 3.4 Bart the Murderer [3.04]
- 3.5 Homer Defined [3.05]
- 3.6 Like Father, Like Clown [3.06]
- 3.7 Treehouse of Horror II [3.07]
- 3.8 Lisa's Pony [3.08]
- 3.9 Saturdays of Thunder [3.09]
- 3.10 Flaming Moe's [3.10]
- 3.11 Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11]
- 3.12 I Married Marge [3.12]
- 3.13 Radio Bart [3.13]
- 3.14 Lisa the Greek [3.14]
- 3.15 Homer Alone [3.15]
- 3.16 Bart the Lover [3.16]
- 3.17 Homer at the Bat [3.17]
- 3.18 Separate Vocations [3.18]
- 3.19 Dog of Death [3.19]
- 3.20 Colonel Homer [3.20]
- 3.21 Black Widower [3.21]
- 3.22 The Otto Show [3.22]
- 3.23 Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23]
- 3.24 Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24]
4 Season 4
- 4.1 Kamp Krusty [4.01]
- 4.2 A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02]
- 4.3 Homer the Heretic [4.03]
- 4.4 Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04]
- 4.5 Treehouse of Horror III [4.05]
- 4.6 Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06]
- 4.7 Marge Gets a Job [4.07]
- 4.8 New Kid on the Block [4.08]
- 4.9 Mr. Plow [4.09]
- 4.10 Lisa's First Word [4.10]
- 4.11 Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11]
- 4.12 Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12]
- 4.13 Selma's Choice [4.13]
- 4.14 Brother from the Same Planet [4.14]
- 4.15 I Love Lisa [4.15]
- 4.16 Duffless [4.16]
- 4.17 Last Exit to Springfield [4.17]
- 4.18 So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18]
- 4.19 The Front [4.19]
- 4.20 Whacking Day [4.20]
- 4.21 Marge in Chains [4.21]
- 4.22 Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22]
5 Season 5
- 5.1 Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01]
- 5.2 Cape Feare [5.02]
- 5.3 Homer Goes to College [5.03]
- 5.4 Rosebud [5.04]
- 5.5 Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05]
- 5.6 Marge on the Lam [5.06]
- 5.7 Bart's Inner Child [5.07]
- 5.8 Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08]
- 5.9 The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09]
- 5.10 $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10]
- 5.11 Homer the Vigilante [5.11]
- 5.12 Bart Gets Famous [5.12]
- 5.13 Homer and Apu [5.13]
- 5.14 Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14]
- 5.15 Deep Space Homer [5.15]
- 5.16 Homer Loves Flanders [5.16]
- 5.17 Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17]
- 5.18 Burns' Heir [5.18]
- 5.19 Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19]
- 5.20 The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20]
- 5.21 Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21]
- 5.22 Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22]
6 Season 6
- 6.1 Bart of Darkness [6.01]
- 6.2 Lisa's Rival [6.02]
- 6.3 Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03]
- 6.4 Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04]
- 6.5 Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05]
- 6.6 Bart's Girlfriend [6.06]
- 6.7 Treehouse of Horror V [6.07]
- 6.8 Lisa on Ice [6.08]
- 6.9 Homer: Bad Man [6.09]
- 6.10 Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10]
- 6.11 Fear of Flying [6.11]
- 6.12 Homer the Great [6.12]
- 6.13 And Maggie Makes Three [6.13]
- 6.14 Bart's Comet [6.14]
- 6.15 Homie the Clown [6.15]
- 6.16 Bart vs. Australia [6.16]
- 6.17 Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17]
- 6.18 A Star is Burns [6.18]
- 6.19 Lisa's Wedding [6.19]
- 6.20 Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20]
- 6.21 The PTA Disbands! [6.21]
- 6.22 'Round Springfield [6.22]
- 6.23 The Springfield Connection [6.23]
- 6.24 Lemon of Troy [6.24]
- 6.25 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25]
7 Season 7
- 7.1 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01]
- 7.2 Radioactive Man [7.02]
- 7.3 Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03]
- 7.4 Bart Sells His Soul [7.04]
- 7.5 Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05]
- 7.6 Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06]
- 7.7 King-Size Homer [7.07]
- 7.8 Mother Simpson [7.08]
- 7.9 Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09]
- 7.10 The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular [7.10]
- 7.11 Team Homer [7.12]
- 7.12 Two Bad Neighbors [7.13]
- 7.13 Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14]
- 7.14 Bart the Fink [7.15]
- 7.15 Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16]
- 7.16 Homer the Smithers [7.17]
- 7.17 The Day the Violence Died [7.18]
- 7.18 A Fish Called Selma [7.19]
- 7.19 Bart on the Road [7.20]
- 7.20 22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21]
- 7.21 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22]
- 7.22 Much Apu About Nothing [7.23]
- 7.23 Homerpalooza [7.24]
- 7.24 Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25]
8 Season 8
- 8.1 Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01]
- 8.2 You Only Move Twice [8.02]
- 8.3 The Homer They Fall [8.03]
- 8.4 Burns, Baby Burns [8.04]
- 8.5 Bart After Dark [8.05]
- 8.6 A Milhouse Divided [8.06]
- 8.7 Lisa's Date with Density [8.07]
- 8.8 Hurricane Neddy [8.08]
- 8.9 El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09]
- 8.10 The Springfield Files [8.10]
- 8.11 The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11]
- 8.12 Mountain of Madness [8.12]
- 8.13 Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13]
- 8.14 The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14]
- 8.15 Homer's Phobia [8.15]
- 8.16 Brother from Another Series [8.16]
- 8.17 My Sister, My Sitter [8.17]
- 8.18 Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18]
- 8.19 Grade School Confidential [8.19]
- 8.20 The Canine Mutiny [8.20]
- 8.21 The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21]
- 8.22 In Marge We Trust [8.22]
- 8.23 Homer's Enemy [8.23]
- 8.24 The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24]
- 8.25 The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25]
9 Season 9
- 9.1 The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01]
- 9.2 The Principal and the Pauper [9.02]
- 9.3 Lisa's Sax [9.03]
- 9.4 Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04]
- 9.5 The Cartridge Family [9.05]
- 9.6 Bart Star [9.06]
- 9.7 The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07]
- 9.8 Lisa the Skeptic [9.08]
- 9.9 Realty Bites [9.09]
- 9.10 Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10]
- 9.11 All Singing, All Dancing [9.11]
- 9.12 Bart Carny [9.12]
- 9.13 The Joy of Sect [9.13]
- 9.14 Das Bus [9.14]
- 9.15 The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15]
- 9.16 Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16]
- 9.17 Lisa the Simpson [9.17]
- 9.18 This Little Wiggy [9.18]
- 9.19 Simpson Tide [9.19]
- 9.20 Girly Edition [9.21]
- 9.21 Trash of the Titans [9.22]
- 9.22 King of the Hill [9.23]
- 9.23 Natural Born Kissers [9.25]
10 Season 10
- 10.1 Lard of the Dance [10.01]
- 10.2 The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace [10.02]
- 10.3 Bart the Mother [10.03]
- 10.4 Treehouse of Horror IX [10.04]
- 10.5 When You Dish Upon a Star [10.05]
- 10.6 D'oh-in in the Wind [10.06]
- 10.7 Lisa Gets an "A" [10.07]
- 10.8 Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble" [10.08]
- 10.9 Mayored to the Mob [10.09]
- 10.10 Viva Ned Flanders [10.10]
- 10.11 Wild Barts Can't Be Broken [10.11]
- 10.12 Sunday, Cruddy Sunday [10.12]
- 10.13 Homer to the Max [10.13]
- 10.14 I'm With Cupid [10.14]
- 10.15 Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers" [10.15]
- 10.16 Make Room for Lisa [10.16]
- 10.17 Maximum Homerdrive [10.17]
- 10.18 Simpsons Bible Stories [10.18]
- 10.19 Mom and Pop Art [10.19]
- 10.20 The Old Man and The "C" Student [10.20]
- 10.21 Monty Can't Buy Me Love [10.21]
- 10.22 They Saved Lisa's Brain [10.22]
- 10.23 Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo [10.23]
11 Season 11
- 11.1 Beyond Blunderdome [11.01]
- 11.2 Brother's Little Helper [11.02]
- 11.3 Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [11.03]
- 11.4 Treehouse of Horror X [11.04]
- 11.5 E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [11.05]
- 11.6 Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [11.06]
- 11.7 Eight Misbehavin' [11.07]
- 11.8 Take My Wife, Sleaze [11.08]
- 11.9 Grift of the Magi [11.09]
- 11.10 Little Big Mom [11.10]
- 11.11 Faith Off [11.11]
- 11.12 The Mansion Family [11.12]
- 11.13 Saddlesore Galactica [11.13]
- 11.14 Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [11.14]
- 11.15 Missionary: Impossible [11.15]
- 11.16 Pygmoelian [11.16]
- 11.17 Bart to the Future [11.17]
- 11.18 Days of Wine and D'oh'ses [11.18]
- 11.19 Kill the Alligator and Run [11.19]
- 11.20 Last Tap Dance in Springfield [11.20]
- 11.21 It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [11.21]
- 11.22 Behind the Laughter [11.22]
12 Season 12
- 12.1 Treehouse of Horror XI [12.01]
- 12.2 A Tale of Two Springfields [12.02]
- 12.3 Insane Clown Poppy [12.03]
- 12.4 Lisa the Tree Hugger [12.04]
- 12.5 Homer vs. Dignity [12.05]
- 12.6 The Computer Wore Menace Shoes [12.06]
- 12.7 The Great Money Caper [12.07]
- 12.8 Skinner's Sense of Snow [12.08]
- 12.9 HOMЯ [12.09]
- 12.10 Pokey Mom [12.10]
- 12.11 Worst Episode Ever [12.11]
- 12.12 Tennis the Menace [12.12]
- 12.13 Day of the Jackanapes [12.13]
- 12.14 New Kids on the Blecch [12.14]
- 12.15 Hungry, Hungry Homer [12.15]
- 12.16 Bye Bye Nerdie [12.16]
- 12.17 Simpson Safari [12.17]
- 12.18 Trilogy of Error [12.18]
- 12.19 I'm Goin' to Praiseland [12.19]
- 12.20 Children of a Lesser Clod [12.20]
- 12.21 Simpsons Tall Tales [12.21]
13 Season 13
- 13.1 Treehouse of Horror XII [13.1]
- 13.2 The Parent Rap [13.2]
- 13.3 Homer the Moe [13.3]
- 13.4 A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love [13.4]
- 13.5 The Blunder Years [13.5]
- 13.6 She of Little Faith [13.6]
- 13.7 Brawl in the Family [13.7]
- 13.8 Sweets and Sour Marge [13.8]
- 13.9 Jaws Wired Shut [13.09]
- 13.10 Half-Decent Proposal [13.10]
- 13.11 The Bart Wants What It Wants [13.11]
- 13.12 The Lastest Gun in the West [13.12]
- 13.13 The Old Man and the Key [13.13]
- 13.14 Tales from the Public Domain [13.14]
- 13.15 Blame it on Lisa [13.15]
- 13.16 Weekend at Burnsie's [13.16]
- 13.17 Gump Roast [13.17]
- 13.18 I am Furious Yellow [13.18]
- 13.19 The Sweetest Apu [13.19]
- 13.20 Little Girl in the Big Ten [13.20]
- 13.21 The Frying Game [13.21]
- 13.22 Papa's Got a Brand New Badge [13.22]
14 Season 14
- 14.1 Treehouse of Horror XIII [14.01]
- 14.2 How I Spent My Strummer Vacation [14.02]
- 14.3 Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade [14.03]
- 14.4 Large Marge [14.04]
- 14.5 Helter Shelter [14.05]
- 14.6 The Great Louse Detective [14.06]
- 14.7 Special Edna [14.07]
- 14.8 The Dad Who Knew Too Little [14.08]
- 14.9 Strong Arms of The Ma [14.09]
- 14.10 Pray Anything [14.10]
- 14.11 Barting Over [14.11]
- 14.12 I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can [14.12]
- 14.13 A Star is Born-Again [14.13]
- 14.14 Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington [14.14]
- 14.15 C.E. D'oh [14.15]
- 14.16 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky [14.16]
- 14.17 Three Gays of the Condo [14.17]
- 14.18 Dude, Where's My Ranch? [14.18]
- 14.19 Old Yeller Belly [14.19]
- 14.20 Brake My Wife, Please [14.20]
- 14.21 Bart of War [14.21]
- 14.22 Moe Baby Blues [14.22]
15 Season 15
- 15.1 Treehouse of Horror XIV [15.1]
- 15.2 My Mother the Carjacker [15.2]
- 15.3 The President Wore Pearls [15.3]
- 15.4 The Regina Monologues [15.4]
- 15.5 The Fat and the Furriest [15.05]
- 15.6 Today I am A Clown [15.06]
- 15.7 'Tis the Fifteenth Season [15.07]
- 15.8 Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays [15.08]
- 15.9 I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot [15.09]
- 15.10 Diatribe of a Mad Housewife [15.10]
- 15.11 Margical History Tour [15.11]
- 15.12 Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore [15.12]
- 15.13 Smart and Smarter [15.13]
- 15.14 The Ziff Who Came to Dinner [15.14]
- 15.15 Co-Dependent's Day [15.15]
- 15.16 The Wandering Juvie [15.16]
- 15.17 My Big Fat Geek Wedding [15.17]
- 15.18 Catch 'em If You Can [15.18]
- 15.19 Simple Simpson [15.19]
- 15.20 The Way We Weren't [15.20]
- 15.21 Bart-Mangled Banner [15.21]
- 15.22 Fraudcast News [15.22]
16 Season 16
- 16.1 Treehouse of Horror XV [16.01]
- 16.2 All's Fair in Oven War [16.02]
- 16.3 Sleeping With the Enemy [16.03]
- 16.4 She Used to Be My Girl [16.04]
- 16.5 Fat Man and Little Boy [16.05]
- 16.6 Midnight Rx [16.06]
- 16.7 Mommie Beerest [16.07]
- 16.8 Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass [16.08]
- 16.9 Pranksta Rap [16.09]
- 16.10 There's Something About Marrying [16.10]
- 16.11 On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister [16.11]
- 16.12 Goo Goo Gai Pan [16.12]
- 16.13 Mobile Homer [16.13]
- 16.14 The Seven-Beer Snitch [16.14]
- 16.15 Future-Drama [16.15]
- 16.16 Don't Fear the Roofer [16.16]
- 16.17 The Heartbroke Kid [16.17]
- 16.18 A Star is Torn [16.18]
- 16.19 Thank God It's Doomsday [16.19]
- 16.20 Home Away From Homer [16.20]
- 16.21 The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star [16.21]
17 Season 17
- 17.1 Bonfire of the Manatees [17.01]
- 17.2 The Girl Who Slept Too Little [17.02]
- 17.3 Milhouse of Sand and Fog [17.03]
- 17.4 Treehouse of Horror XVI [17.04]
  - 17.4.1 Prologue
  - 17.4.2 Bartifical Intelligence
  - 17.4.3 Survival of the Fattest
  - 17.4.4 I've Grown a Costume On Your Face
- 17.5 Marge's Son Poisoning [17.05]
- 17.6 See Homer Run
- 17.7 The Last of the Red Hat Mamas
- 17.8 The Italian Bob [17.08]
- 17.9 Simpsons Christmas Stories [17.09]
  - 17.9.1 The First (Annoyed Grunt)-El
  - 17.9.2 I Saw Grampa Cussing Santa Claus
  - 17.9.3 The Nutcracker...Sweet
- 17.10 Homer's Paternity Coot [17.10]
- 17.11 We're on the Road to D'ohwhere [17.11]
- 17.12 My Fair Laddy [17.12]
- 17.13 The Seemingly Never-Ending Story [17.13]
- 17.14 Bart Has Two Mommies [17.14]
- 17.15 Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife [17.15]
- 17.16 Million Dollar Abie [17.16]
- 17.17 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore [17.17]
- 17.18 The Wettest Stories Ever Told [17.18]
  - 17.18.1 The Mayflower
  - 17.18.2 Mutiny on the Bounty
  - 17.18.3 The Neptune Adventure
- 17.19 Girls Just Want To Have Sums [17.19]
- 17.20 Regarding Margie [17.20]
- 17.21 The Monkey Suit [17.21]
- 17.22 Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play [17.22]
18 Season 18
- 18.1 The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer [18.01]
- 18.2 Jazzy and the Pussycats [18.02]
- 18.3 Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em... [18.03]
- 18.4 Treehouse of Horror XVII [18.04]
- 18.5 G.I. (Annoyed Grunt) [18.05]
- 18.6 Moe'N'a Lisa [18.06]
- 18.7 Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair) [18.07]
- 18.8 The Haw-Hawed Couple [18.08]
- 18.9 Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2 [18.09]
- 18.10 The Wife Aquatic [18.10]
- 18.11 Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times [18.11]
- 18.12 Little Big Girl [18.12]
- 18.13 Springfield Up [18.13]
- 18.14 Yokel Chords [18.14]
- 18.15 Rome-old and Juli-eh [18.15]
- 18.16 Homerazzi [18.16]
- 18.17 Marge Gamer [18.17]
- 18.18 The Boys of Bummer [18.18]
- 18.19 Crook and Ladder [18.19]
- 18.20 Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot! [18.20]
- 18.21 24 Minutes [18.21]
- 18.22 You Kent Always Say What You Want [18.22]
19 Season 19
- 19.1 He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs [19.1]
- 19.2 The Homer of Seville [19.2]
- 19.3 Midnight Towboy [19.3]
- 19.4 I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings [19.4]
- 19.5 Treehouse of Horror XVIII [19.5]
- 19.6 Little Orphan Millie [19.6]
- 19.7 Husbands and Knives [19.7]
- 19.8 Funeral for a Fiend [19.8]
- 19.9 Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind [19.9]
- 19.10 E. Pluribus Wiggum [19.10]
- 19.11 That 90's Show [19.11]
- 19.12 Love, Springfieldian Style [19.12]
- 19.13 The Debarted [19.13]
- 19.14 Dial 'N' for Nerder [19.14]
- 19.15 Smoke on the Daughter [19.15]
- 19.16 Papa Don't Leech [19.16]
- 19.17 Apocalypse Cow [19.17]
- 19.18 Any Given Sundance [19.18]
- 19.19 Mona Leaves-a [19.19]
- 19.20 All About Lisa [19.20]
20 Season 20
- 20.1 Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes [20.1]
- 20.2 Lost Verizon [20.2]
- 20.3 Double, Double, Boy in Trouble [20.3]
- 20.4 Treehouse of Horror XIX [20.4]
- 20.5 Dangerous Curves [20.5]
- 20.6 Homer and Lisa Exchange Crosswords [20.6]
- 20.7 Mypods and Boomsticks [20.7]
- 20.8 The Burns and the Bees [20.8]
- 20.9 Lisa the Drama Queen [20.9]
- 20.10 Take My Life, Please [20.10]
- 20.11 How the Test Was Won [20.11]
- 20.12 No Loan Again, Naturally [20.12]
- 20.13 Gone Maggie Gone [20.13]
- 20.14 In the Name of the Grandfather [20.14]
- 20.15 Wedding for Disaster [20.15]
- 20.16 Eeny Teeny Maya Moe [20.16]
- 20.17 The Good, the Sad and the Drugly [20.17]
- 20.18 Father Knows Worst [20.18]
- 20.19 Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh [20.19]
- 20.20 Four Great Women and a Manicure [20.20]
- 20.21 Coming to Homerica [20.21]
21 The Simpsons Ride
22 See Also
23 External links

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Bart the Genius [1.02]

Martin: I hope you won't bear some sort of simple-minded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building.

Bart: Eat my shorts.

Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son, a genius - how does it happen?

Dr. Pryor: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of hereditary and environment... [sees Homer staring blankly] although in some cases it's a total mystery.

[edit] Homer's Odyssey [1.03]

Marge: There, there, Homer. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

Sherri: Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent.

Bart: What does "incompetent" mean?

Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.

Bart: Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

[edit] There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]

[edit] Bart the General [1.05]

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!

Bart: I guess I could do that.

Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!

Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?

Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

[edit] Moaning Lisa [1.06]

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about making yourself feeling better, it's about making other people feel worse.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

[edit] The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]

Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.

Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

[edit] The Telltale Head [1.08]

Homer: [on Heaven] I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

Bart: Well, I was wondering... how important is it to be popular?

Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?

Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

Bart: No

Homer: Are you?!

Bart: No!

Homer: Then run along, you little scamp. Like I always say, a boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

[edit] Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]

Jacques: My head cries, "Stop," but my heart and hips cry, "Proceed!"

[Homer carries Marge out of the Power Plant]

Plant Worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?

Homer: Tell him that I'm going to the back-seat of my car, with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Homer's co-workers cheer]

[edit] Homer's Night Out [1.10]

[Homer weighs himself again after six months]

Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!

[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]

Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.

Homer: Good idea, Marge.

Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!

Homer: What do you mean, sir?

Burns: I mean this! [holds up the picture]

Homer: [Gasp!]

Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. [suddenly wrinkles up the picture into a ball] I WILL NOT HAVE YOU OFFENDING MY CUSTOMERS WITH YOUR BAWDY SHENANIGANS!!

[edit] The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!

Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

[edit] Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

[The opening of Krusty's show.]

Krusty: Hi, kids! do you want some candy

Kids: Krusty! yeah sure

Krusty: How much do you love me?

Kids: With all our hearts!

Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?

Bart and Lisa [watching at home] We'd kill ourselves.

"Krusty": Hand over all your money in a paper bag.

Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

["Krusty" takes the money and leaves the store.]

Apu: [to Homer] You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

[edit] Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]

Moe: Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?

Homer: You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.

Moe: Homer...

Homer: What?

Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.

Homer: What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?

Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am. [belches]

Homer: Oh, no!

Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference: once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.

Homer: Lord help me I just cant get it up

Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Bart Gets an F [2.01]

Bart: Good morning, girls!

Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.

Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?

Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.

Bart: And where'd they land?

Terri: Sunny Acapulco.

Bart: And why'd they leave England?

Sherri: Giant rats.

Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!

Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!

Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids!

[edit] Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]

Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!

Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However...

[He pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker]

Sales clerk:I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY... MUST... DIE!

Bart: I love you, Dad!

Homer: D'oh! [stops strangling] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!

Bart: It is?!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

Marge: Homer! What's this thing in the corner?

Homer: I don't know.

Lisa: It looks like a vortex -- a gateway into another dimension.

Homer: Ooh, a vortex. [Throwing an orange into the vortex] Catch! Hey pretty slick.

[the vortex spits out a piece of wadded-up paper]

Lisa: [reading] "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!"

Narrator: Quoth the raven-

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.

Bart: Okay, okay.

[edit] Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

Mr. Burns: Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

[edit] Dancin' Homer [2.05]

Homer: For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!

(Looking at a "Dancin' Homer" T-shirt)

Marge: A Simpson on a T-shirt, I thought I'd never see the day.

[edit] Dead Putting Society [2.06]

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?!

Marge: Oh, uh, we're all out, Homer.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?

Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!

Homer: All right, knock it off!

Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?

Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!

Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

[edit] Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

Lisa: [writing a poem]

I saw the best meals of my generation
Destroyed by the madness of my brother.
My soul carved in slices
By spiky-haired demons.

Homer: Hello?! Operator! Give me the number for 9-1-1!

[edit] Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.

Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

Bart: What?

Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!

Lance Murdock: It's always nice to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, son, a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy - and maybe they're right! But I want to tell you three things: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!

[edit] Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]

Homer: He's awake!

Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.

Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before.

Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.

Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

Homer: Ooh, classy.

[After Marge ruins the case and the million dollars for Homer. Mr. Burns and his lawyers meet with Homer and Mr. Hutz in the back room.]

Mr. Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the previous number but I think you'll find it acceptable. [Writes a big zero and hands it to Homer]

Hutz: I think we should take it.

Homer: Ohhhhh.

[edit] One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]

Master Chef: [car sounds horn] Ah, she's here. Cover for me.

Akira: One Fugu.

Toshiro: No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's-

Akira: Yes, yes, I know it's poisonous, but if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.

Toshiro: I must get to the master.

[Toshiro heads out to the alley, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside.]

Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair is so alluring...

Toshiro: Master, we need you back in the kitchen.

Master Chef: I said cover for me, damn it!

Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!

Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy, YOU DO IT!

[Homer is brought to the hospital after eating the fugu.]

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.

Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!

Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.

Homer: [yelling] Why you little!

Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.

Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!

Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.

Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.

Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.

Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

[edit] The Way We Was [2.12]

Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery.

[He hits the TV, and it goes blank.]

Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!

Homer: Pffft, English, who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke!

[edit] Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]

Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?

Bart: Hell.

Homer: BART!

Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell now can I?

Homer: Kids got a point Marge.

Bart: Hell yes!

Marge: Bart.

Bart: [sings]Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

[edit] Principal Charming [2.14]

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?

Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.

Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.

Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

Marge: You will find Selma a man!

Homer: All right.

Marge: And not just any man.

Homer: Okay!

Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.

Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?

[edit] Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.

Homer: What is it, Dad?

Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.

Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Bart: Hello, sir.

Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell.

Herbert: Hello, kids. [to Homer, quietly] All born in wedlock?

Homer: [quietly] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.

[edit] Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16]

Homer: No! Stay away! This is not for you! This is Homer food!

Krusty: You're my best friend! (chuckles)

Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...

Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Otto: Hey, Bart dude!

Bart: Hey, Otto man!

Otto: Yo, hairy bro!

Bart: Go home, boy! Go home!

Bart: Now... Sit! I said, Sit! Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I tell him.

[edit] Old Money [2.17]

Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.

Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?

Bart: Well...

Homer: Aaah!

Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

[edit] Brush with Greatness [2.18]

Lisa: While I know firsthand how fragile young talent is, I'd love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed.

Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!

Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?

Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.

[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea]

Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]

Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.

[edit] Lisa's Substitute [2.19]

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?

Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.

Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad--

Lisa: Not mine.

Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish--

Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

Homer: What are you moping about?!

Lisa: Nothing.

Marge: Lisa, tell your father.

Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left.

Homer: [uninterested] Oh?

Lisa: He's gone. Forever.

Homer: And...?

Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.

Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

[edit] The War of the Simpsons [2.20]

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

Marge: Thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.

Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.

Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.

Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

[edit] Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21]

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.

Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.

Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!

Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, à la "Wonder Years"] Me? Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.

Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?

Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we-

Homer: Bart! Stop it!

Bart: Sorry.

Bart: Ugh! I am through with working! Working is for chumps.

Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out!

[edit] Blood Feud [2.22]

Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!

[sign lights up, "Relax. Everything is fine."]

Crowd: Ooh. [applause]

[sign lights up, "Minor leak. Roll up window."]

Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]

[sign lights up, "Meltdown. Flee city."]

Crowd: [scattered applause]

[sign lights up, "Core explosion. Repent sins."]

Crowd: [stunned silence]

Homer: [snickers] Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign!

[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]

Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!

Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!

Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer: Amen to that!

[The family laughs]

This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 10-11).

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Stark Raving Dad [3.01]

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?

Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.

Homer: D'OH!!... Oh, okay.

Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died--"

Homer: [takes his form] No deal!

Homer: [observing other mental patients] I don't understand, Michael. All these guys seem as normal as you or me.

[edit] Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02]

[About a check from "Reading Digest"]

Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.

Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion! [gasp] He'll be killed!

Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.

Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.

[edit] When Flanders Failed [3.03]

Homer: [On the phone] Hello, Jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need YOU to do a favor for ME.

Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!

[edit] Bart the Murderer [3.04]

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!

Bart: Don't have a cow!

Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... um... What cures cancer?

[edit] Homer Defined [3.05]

Kent Brockman Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.

Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my sorry ass good-bye.

Smithers: May I, sir?

Mr. Burns: Ewww...

[edit] Like Father, Like Clown [3.06]

Krusty: (voice-over) My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.

Young Jewish Man: Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.

Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

Bart: We came to talk to you about your son...

Rabbi Krustofsky: I have no son! [slams the door]

Bart: [talking to Lisa] Great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy!

Rabbi Krustofsky: [opens door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams door again]

[edit] Treehouse of Horror II [3.07]

Marge: Ahem. Hello, everyone. Before last year's Halloween show, I warned you not to let your children watch. But you did anyway. Mmm... Well, this year's episode is even worse. It's scarier, more violent, and I think they snuck in some bad language, too. So please, tuck in your children and... [sighs] Well, if you didn't listen to me last time, you're not going to now. Enjoy the show.

[Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot]

Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.

Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!

Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

[edit] Lisa's Pony [3.08]

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]

Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?

Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

[edit] Saturdays of Thunder [3.09]

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.

Homer: That sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: All right, I will!

[edit] Flaming Moe's [3.10]

Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be.

[Janey drips some melted candle wax into a cup of cold water.]

Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.

Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!

Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan.

Lisa: The wax never lies...

Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.

Woman: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...

Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes –

Woman: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.

Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.

Woman: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.

Moe: Wha-?!

Woman: [stern] He's your friend, Moe. And you took advantage of him.

Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

[edit] Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11]

Carl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad.

Lenny: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but hey, that's why pencils have erasers!

German Managers: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

[edit] I Married Marge [3.12]

Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?

Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with the other kids.

Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always did.

[At Shotgun Pete's 24-Hour Wedding Chapel...]

Clerk: Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license. (She hands them a punch card.) Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house!

Homer: Hey! This marriage is gonna last forever!

Clerk: (chuckling) No matter how many times I hear that, it still makes me laugh!

[edit] Radio Bart [3.13]

["We're Sending Our Love Down The Well"]

Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,

For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...

Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...

Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!

All: And we're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: All the way down!

All: We're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: Down that well!

[On TV]

Kent: So, as it turns out, we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.

Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?

Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.

Homer: D'oh!

[edit] Lisa the Greek [3.14]

[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe]

Homer: Hi Moe. A beer...AND A LOT OF BILLS!

[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt Springfield.]

Lisa: But what about Daddy-Daughter Day?

Homer: Don't worry, the football season's just eight months away.

Lisa: So that's it. You just needed me so I can help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying]

Marge: You're a very selfish man.

[Bart is playing with a button that Homer bought him, and presses "Go to hell" three times]

Bart: Once again, Dad, great present!

[edit] Homer Alone [3.15]

Arnie Pye: This is Arnie Pye with Arnie in the Sky! We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge people. Traffic is held waaaaaaaaay back in both directions. And look at the corner of 14th and Elm because I just dropped my bagel!

Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.

Bart: ...In your bed?

Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore.

[Patty and Selma chuckle. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each others hand]

Patty: Oh! "Divorce Court" is on in five minutes!

[They get up and leave.]

Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.

Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!

[Bart screams]

[edit] Bart the Lover [3.16]

Bart: Hey, Lis. Suppose I'm writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my "A" material. What should I say?

Lisa: Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? Who is she, Bart? Is it Sherri?

Bart: No.

Lisa: Is it Terri?

Bart: No.

Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy-eye patch?

Bart: No.

Lisa: Is it that exchange student, Mx!pa?

Bart: No! It's... homework.

Lisa: Yeah, right! "Hey, Bart! Let's do some 'homework!'"

[Lisa makes kissy faces at Bart until he shoves her over.]

[At the Flanders dinner table...]

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd: Hell, no.

[The rest of the Flanders's all gasp.]

Ned: What did you say?

Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned: Well, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!

[Todd runs upstairs crying.]

Maude: Don't you think you were a little hard on him, Dear?

Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

[edit] Homer at the Bat [3.17]

[Umpire talking to the captains before the game.]

Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!

Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?

Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, smarter than me, faster than me, stronger than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.

Bart: You make me sick, Homer! You're the one who told me I could be the best at anything if I just put my mind to it!

Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

[edit] Separate Vocations [3.18]

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.

Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.

Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?

Skinner: Let's move.

[edit] Dog of Death [3.19]

Chief Wiggum: No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one... two.

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?

[edit] Colonel Homer [3.20]

Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?

Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."

Marge: [after seeing Lurleen] I thought you said she was overweight.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

[edit] Black Widower [3.21]

Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession with not dying alone. So, in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.

Bart: Cool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.

Marge: Now, now, he's an ex-convict! He's paid his debt to society!

Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?

Marge: I'm just not.

[edit] The Otto Show [3.22]

Marge: Why don't you go and live with your parents?

Otto: Oh, the admiral and I don't get along. Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go!

Homer: Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad, and it's not gonna work for you.

Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?

Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.

Marge: Well, maybe you should take the driver's test again?

Otto: Oh, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time; this time I'm hung over!

Bart: You can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I've ever met.

Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one, but... I'll do it!

[edit] Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23]

[about his Magic Eight Ball]

Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!

Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? (shakes the ball) "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!

Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? (shakes the ball) "All Signs Point To Yes."

Nelson: That ball knows everything.

[He bashes Milhouse on the head.]

Milhouse: Hey, Bart! Was this thing right about your test?

Bart: To those who doubt the power of the Magic Eight Ball, I say, "behold my 'F'"!

[After Homer listens to a night-tape that increases his vocabulary overnight (he had asked for a weight-loss tape)]

Marge: Homer, has the weight-loss tape reduced your appetite?

Homer: Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satieties.

Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?

Homer: The vernal equinox?

Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scale! [Homer gets on the scale] You've gained thirteen pounds.

Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

[edit] Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24]

Bart: And now, the next event in our Living Room Olympics, the always controversial Couch Vault. [gruff voice] I do this for Stainmaster carpets, proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics.

[To Olympics-knockoff music, Bart vaults over Homer's couch using a broom. But he doesn't make it, and causes the couch to collapse in several pieces, just as Homer walks in.]

Homer: What the hell are you kids-?! [sees the ruined couch] AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Oh, my beautiful couch! The seats! The arms! The dream is over! [to Bart and Lisa, angrily] All right, who did this?!

Bart: We were just sitting on the couch quietly chatting when we heard a creaking noise.

Lisa: We leapt off just in time to see it collapse. [puts her head on Bart's shoulder, as if in shock]

Bart: ["comforting" her] There, there. You're safe now, little sister.

[At Homer's hastily-concocted award ceremony]

Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!

Bart: What about the Emmys?

Lisa: I stand corrected.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Kamp Krusty [4.01]

Homer: Son. If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Quiet! They're gonna announce the lottery numbers.

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?

Dolph: Not quite. (pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front) This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

[edit] A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02]

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

Bart: Are there any jive talking robots in the play?

Marge: No.

Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?

Marge: No Homer.

[edit] Homer the Heretic [4.03]

Marge: Homer, don't make me chose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.

Homer: There you are. Always taking someone else's side; Flanders, the water department, God...

Homer: Kids, let me tell you about another so-called "wicked guy". He had long hair and some wild ideas, and he didn't always do what other people thought was right. And that man's name was... I forget. But the point is... I forget that either. Marge, you know who I'm talking about. He used to drive that blue car?

[edit] Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04]

Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. [sings] There once was an ugly duckling...

Lisa: [frowning] So you think I'm ugly?!

Marge: No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks [looks uncertain] that makes fun of the ugly one. Mmmm...

Kent Brockman: The father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write in this space" he wrote "OK."

[edit] Treehouse of Horror III [4.05]

Mr. Burns: [about bringing Marge along on their voyage] What do you think, Smithers?

Smithers: I think women and seamen don't mix.

Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

Lisa: Thank God we didn't turn into a bunch of mindless zombies.

Bart: Shhh! TV!

[The family stare blankly at the television. A thud is heard, followed by a laugh track.]

Homer: Man... fall down. Funny.

Family: Mmmmmm...

[edit] Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06]

Marge: We're going to school for the Parent/Teacher meetings. We'll bring dinner home.

Lisa: What are you going to bring home?

Homer: Well it depends. If both of you have been good, pizza. If not then poison.

Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart: Poisoned pizza?

Homer: Oh no! I'm not making two stops.

Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?

Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?

Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!

Homer: Now who's being naïve?

[edit] Marge Gets a Job [4.07]

Smithers: This résumé is very impressive. Let me be the first to say Abibu gazini.

Marge: What?

Smithers: "Welcome aboard." I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

Marge: So what do I do?

Smithers: Mrs. Simpson, according to your résumé, you invented this machine.

[edit] New Kid on the Block [4.08]

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]

Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE MONSTERS! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

[On the other end of the line...]

Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.

[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]

Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... put it down...

Homer: You see, son, a woman is a lot like... err... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they... make ice... uhhh... oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drains his beer] But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! [runs to the fridge]

[edit] Mr. Plow [4.09]

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.

Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] forty five minutes ago!

Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

[edit] Lisa's First Word [4.10]

Bart: What was my first word?

Marge: Hmmm...

[Flashback to baby Bart walking on his parents having sex]

Baby Bart: Ay caramba!

[Returns to present]

Marge: I don't think I remember.

Marge: I'm afraid we're gonna need a bigger house.

Homer: No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.

Marge: Won't that warp him?

Homer: My cousin Frank did it.

Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.

Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

[edit] Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11]

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.

Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.

Homer: Really? What's it like?

Lisa: Meh. [shrugs].

Krusty: I got news for ya. This ain't makeup.

[edit] Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12]

Marge: How fast are they going?

Homer: Eeeeeyaaaaaaai! (super fast as monorail whizzes by platform)

Cobb: [looking at watch] Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, a hundred eighty miles an hour.

Homer: Are we gonna die, son?

Bart: Yeah, but at least we'll take a lot of innocent people with us.

[edit] Selma's Choice [4.13]

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.

Lisa: I understand.

Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.

Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Marge: Homer, quit pouting!

Homer: I'm not pouting! I'm mourning! ...Stupid dead woman.

(Two security guards come in, escorting Lisa, pale, edgy, and clad in only a towel)

Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.

Lisa: I am the Lizard Queen!

[A man in a lab coat hands Selma a couple of pills.]

Man: Give her this... (a couple more pills) Then this... (a whole pocketful of pills) And then these.

Selma: Mmmm... thank you, doctor.

Man: Oh, I'm not a doctor.

[edit] Brother from the Same Planet [4.14]

Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.

Homer: Oh, he is.

[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table]

Homer: Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.

Bart: (picks up his grapefruit & hit's Homer's face with it) SHADDUP!

[Back in reality...]

Homer: Mmmm.... grapefruit.

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.

[shot of Godzilla appears in the background]

Kent Brockman: Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right we could use some names. "I.P Freely." Uh... GRRR!

[edit] I Love Lisa [4.15]

[Ralph is with his father at home, and wants to know how to get Lisa's attention. Chief Wiggum is breaking nuts out of their shells.]

Ralph: Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?

Chief Wiggum: Son, (cracks a nut with the butt of his revolver) whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence; (cracks a nut) keep at it, and never lose your cool.

[Chief Wiggum tries to crack a third nut, but the shell doesn't break.]

Chief Wiggum: (losing patience) Ah, come on, you stupid...!

[Chief Wiggum loads his gun up and shoots the nut.]

Chief Wiggum: (angrily) Let that be a lesson to the rest of you nuts!

[Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over]

Homer: Is there a problem, officer?

Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.

Homer: Where?!

Chief Wiggum: [Smashing a tail-light] Right there.

Homer: [Angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!

Chief Wiggum: [Alarmed] They are?! Oh no! Have they set a date?!

[edit] Duffless [4.16]

Homer: Well, time to go to work.

Homer's Brain: Little do they know I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.

Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.

Homer's Brain: Heh, heh, heh. They don't suspect a thing!

[Silence]

Homer's Brain: Well, off to the plant!

Homer: [aloud] Then to the Duff Brewery.

Homer's Brain: Uh, oh. Did I say that or just think it?

Homer: I've got to think of a line, fast!

Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?

Homer: Aah! [Runs off.]

(at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting)

Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to!

Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!

Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the Court made me come.

Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you´ll never touch a beer again.

[Homer screams and jumps through the window]

[edit] Last Exit to Springfield [4.17]

Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph?

Ralph: Three times a day, sir.

Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?

Ralph: You're right. I don't brush. [starts to cry] I don't brush!

Dr. Wolfe: Let's look at a picture book. The "Big Book of British Smiles."

[Dr. Wolfe takes out a book and shows Ralph page after page of decaying, rotten British smiles.]

Ralph: [crying] That's enough! That's enough.

Factory Worker: You can't treat the working man this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!

Burns's Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!

Mr. Burns: [to Smithers, in the present] If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

[edit] So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18]

(Just a moment before Homer opens the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.)

Bart: April f- (An explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud.)

(Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car)

Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.

Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

(Wiggum gets out of the car)

Chief Wiggum: I am procceding on foot. Call in a Code 8.

Lou: [into radio] We need prezels. Repeat, prezels.

Bart: Dad, it was my fault. I shook up that can of beer. I'm sorry.

[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger]

Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! [Grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

[edit] The Front [4.19]

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late thirties! The writers should be ashamed of themselves!

Bart: Cartoons have writers?

Lisa: Eh, sort of.

Lisa: (to Grampa) So, we wrote the cartoon, put your name on it and sent it in.

Bart: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?

Grampa: I figured, cause the Democrats were in power again.

[edit] Whacking Day [4.20]

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for Mountain Bikes.]

Nelson: Hey what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?

[Principal Skinner shows up.]

Skinner: Sorry about the ruse gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy! [closes the door and locks them in.]

Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?

Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?

Groundskeeper Willie: (to his tractor) Ach, my beauty, wait 'til the Superintendant sees you! Were it not a violation of God's law, I'd make you my wife!

[edit] Marge in Chains [4.21]

Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity!

Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of... delicious bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!

[edit] Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22]

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience].

Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

Gabbo: Now it's time for another one of Gabbo's Crank Calls! Oh I love these!

Bart: I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty.

Lisa: Yeah well Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.

Grandpa: Well everythings stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

[edit] Season 5

[edit] Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01]

[at the Springfield Swap Meet]

Mayor Quimby: (sotto voice) Human roaches... feeding off each other's garbage. The only thing you can't buy here is dignity! (into the microphone) Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron! (sotto voice again) I need a drink and a shower...

[The Be Sharps are at the Grammys.]

Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!

David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?

Barney: You're a musician?

[edit] Cape Feare [5.02]

Marge: Lisa, you got a letter.

Lisa: It's from my pen pal, Anya!

[As Lisa reads, the letter writer's voice can be heard in voice over.]

Anya: "Dear Lisa - as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and...

Gruff male voice: ...replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl."

Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.

Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is!

Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle...

Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief.

[Lou shows Chief Wiggum a book called "Springfield Law"]

Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.

[Cut to Eddie with squirrels in his pants while the other cops watch and laugh, rolling dice]

Wiggum: Boys, knock it off!

[edit] Homer Goes to College [5.03]

[The plant melting down, Mr. Burns gets into escape pod and shuts Smithers out.]

Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!

Burns: I like to put my feet up.

Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!!

Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: The box! The box!

[edit] Rosebud [5.04]

Homer: [with a large bump on his head] Where did I lose them? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again!

Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.

Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged but please don't deny the world your fat can.

Homer: Don't worry, boy. She'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.

Lisa: I knew it.

Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it.

[edit] Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05]

Lisa: Dad, Mr Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!

Mr. Burns: Why, Bart is right here!

Bart: (in monotone, looking unusually pale) Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.

Homer: Oh Lisa, you and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

Lisa: The only way to save Bart is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns!

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare to live out the American dream?

[edit] Marge on the Lam [5.06]

Rescue Worker: Homer, there's no easy way to put this, but we're going to have to saw your arms off.

Homer: They'll grow back, right?

Rescue Worker: Oh... yeah.

Homer: Whew.

Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter!

Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second...

[Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what Bart says"]

Homer: Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter!

Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.

Homer: Here you g- [pulls back] No!

[edit] Bart's Inner Child [5.07]

Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'

Brad Goodman: I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?

Ned's Inner Child: Stay on the course Big Ned, you're doin' super! [Ned smiles]

Homer's Inner Child: [points to his mouth] Food goes in here!

Homer: It sure does.

Moe's Inner Child: [in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talkin' wit ya accent-a no more.

Moe: [slaps face] MAMMA-MIA!!

[edit] Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08]

Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.

(Skinner walks by and stops when he sees the unseen "dirty word" in the back of Milhouse's head)

Principal Skinner: What is it with you kids and that word? (grabs Milhouse) I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege!

[edit] The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09]

[Charlie is explaining to Mr Burns about the gas leak.]

Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit!

Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? (hands Smithers a notebook) Smithers, throw this at him!

[Smithers throws the book at Charlie, and Burns presses a button. A tube covers Charlie and sucks him upwards.]

Burns: Smithers, where does that tube go?

Smithers: I'm not sure, sir; it was here when we first moved in.

Homer: Moe, I need advice. You see I have this friend called Joey Jojo...Junior...Shabadoo.

Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.

[A man in the bar leaves crying. Barney runs after him.]

Barney: Hey, Joey Jojo!

[edit] $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10]

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors... now at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you (pointing at the camera) the viewers!

Lisa: Dad! You shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!

Homer: (looking at Bart) Lisa just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

[edit] Homer the Vigilante [5.11]

Lisa: Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't.

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

[edit] Bart Gets Famous [5.12]

[Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]

Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. (To Marge) I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!

Marge: The best performance of your life?

Bart: The best performance of my life!

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch-phrase.

Homer: (breaking a lamp) D'oh!

Bart: Ay, caramba!

Marge: (groans)

Maggie: (sucks her pacifier)

Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney: (belches)

Nelson: Ha, ha!

Burns: Excellent!

[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]

Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Homer: What kind of catch phrase is that!?

[edit] Homer and Apu [5.13]

Apu: [placing packaged ham that expired in 1989 in the bargain bin] This time I have gone too far. But no one will ever buy -

Homer: [grabs ham] Woo-hoo! Cheap meat! Ooh, this one's already open.

[Homer is at home eating the ham when his stomach gurgles]

Homer: Oooooh... stomach churning... bowels clenching... not much time... [collapses] Must... finish... [continues eating ham]

Homer: Your old meat made me sick!

Apu: Oh I am so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp as an apology.

Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny!

Apu: Okay, ten pounds.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

[Cut to a shot of the ambulance Homer was in scenes ago, driving down a wooded road]

[edit] Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14]

[Smithers turns his computer on. A bitmapped Mr. Burns (shown naked from the shoulders up) appears]

Mr. Burns: [in stilted speech] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at tur-ning me-on.

Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.

[Lisa pressures Stacy Lovell about Malibu Stacy]

Stacy: I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?

Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.

Stacy: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.

Lisa: [gasps] That's awful.

Stacy: Well, that — and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

[edit] Deep Space Homer [5.15]

Stillwater: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.

Babcock: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.

(A chair swivels around, revealing a chimp in a suit, wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe.)

Chimp: (arrogant; English accent) No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

Reporter: Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?

Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes.

(Homer thinks for a moment and realises something.)

Homer: Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

NASA Official: (Counting down the launch of the space shuttle) 5..4..3..2..1.. Make rocket go now!

[edit] Homer Loves Flanders [5.16]

[Ned is driving Homer to the game, passing Lenny and Carl]

Homer:Oh no! (pushes Ned down) I can't let the boys see me with you.

Ned:What?

Homer: Hi. (the car goes past Lenny and Carl)

Lenny: Hey! Homer's got one of those robot cars.

[the car crashes offscreen]

Carl: One of those American robot cars.

[Mr. Burns talking to football players before the game]

Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because.. I crippled him myself to inspire you.

[cuts to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents at his side]

Milhouse: I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

[Kirk and Luann look at each other worried]

[edit] Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17]

(Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast)

Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are goin' down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.

Lisa: And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. (to Homer): Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?

Homer: Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.

Bart: Think you'll win?

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

[A suspicious candidate shows up to make an offer for Bart's elephant, Stampy.]

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?

Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?

Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?

Blackheart: [laughs] Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network, and, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

[edit] Burns' Heir [5.18]

Smithers: Oh my god, Mr. Burns is dead! (Starts crying) Why did he have to die so young?

Bart: (reading the card Homer gave him) Hello, Mr... Kurns. I bad want money now. Me sick.

Homer: (offstage) Ooh, he card reads good!

Bart: (still reading) So pick please me, Mr. Burns...

Homer: It's "Kurns," stupid!

Marge: No, it isn't!

Homer: Disregard!

[edit] Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19]

Chalmers: SKINNER, YOU'RE FIRED!!!

Skinner: Did you just call me a liar?

Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.

Skinner: Oh, that's much worse.

Bart: Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.

Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me! Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it! It's a hell of a toboggan ride.

Ned: (over PA) Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.

Chalmers: Thank the Lor - thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish: Flanders is history!

[edit] The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20]

Homer: [lowering a table out of the window then drops it] Got it, Barn?

Barney: [offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!

Skinner: You're stealing a table?

Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!

Skinner: Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?

Homer: Souvenir.

Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?

Marge: Well Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took seventy-five Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again.

Bart: Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?

Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head. Like a certain uncle did, one grave December morn...

[edit] Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21]

Marge: Homer! You didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!

[The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magaggie."]

Homer: What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?

Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!

[Homer imagines the freakish kids]

Homer: Aaah!

[edit] Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22]

[Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself]

Homer: Oh... and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: That's because you were drunk.

Homer: And how.

Rev. and Mrs. Lovejoy are talking to Marge

Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.

Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.

Marge: But isn't that a sin?

Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin. [Holds up a Bible] You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Bart of Darkness [6.01]

(after hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders's house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard)

Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!

Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!

Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.

Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!

Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

Automated phone: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department "Rescue Phone"! If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered, or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.

[Bart presses four numbers on the phone]

Automated phone: You have selected "regicide!" If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press one.

[Bart hangs up]

[edit] Lisa's Rival [6.02]

Homer: (spoken with strong Cuban accent) In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Homer: Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

[edit] Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03]

Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters (in reused footage from earlier episode)

Marge: How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?

Bart: It's a new episode.

Lisa: Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.

Bart: (switches to new footage) Really?

Lisa: Ren and Stimpy do it all the time.

Marge: Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

[edit] Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04]

Lisa: Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?

Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought, fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

Homer: Ah, the Interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids: we're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land!

[Pulls up to highway... which is gridlocked]

Everyone: D'oh!

Homer: Don't worry, I've got an ace up my sleeve.

[honks horn]

[edit] Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05]

Sideshow Bob: I'm in jail for a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder?" I mean, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? [someone throws a toilet that nearly hits Bob] Oh, really now! This is a personal call!

Bart: Oh, no! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!

[edit] Bart's Girlfriend [6.06]

[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?

Homer: New glasses?

Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.

Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.

Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.

Marge: That's not what I meant.

Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

Bart's Brain: Alright, your're innocent. Just tell the truth and they'll understand.

Bart: I-

Helen Lovejoy: Took the money, we know.

Moe: He confessed!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror V [6.07]

Homer: [Sitting in the snow with a small portable TV] Urge to kill fading... fading... fading... rising! Fading... fading... gone.

[The family sighs.]]

Homer: Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow!

[later]

TV: Live from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your special hosts, Tyne Daly and Hal Lynden!

Bart: Homer... change channel!

Homer: Can't... frozen!

[singing starts on TV]

Family: AAAAH!

Homer: Urge to kill rising...

Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by... eating your shorts.

[edit] Lisa on Ice [6.08]

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.

Homer: (Bart must take a penalty shot against Lisa) Oh my God, Marge, a penalty shot with four seconds left! The winner will be showered with praises, and the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

[edit] Homer: Bad Man [6.09]

TV announcer: "Tonight on FOX, Homer Simpson, Portrait of an Assgrabber," starring Dennis Franz.

Homer: Ooh, "Portrait," sounds classy!

[On TV, a car drives erratically down the street. Homer is behind the wheel. He is about to drive over a cat.]

Ashley: No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature!

Homer: I don't care!

[He hits the cat, who screeches loudly. He stops the car and eyes Ashley lustfully.]'

Homer: Now I'm gonna grab me some sweet!

Ashley: Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment! If you keep it up, I'll scream so loud the whole country will hear!

Homer: With a *man* in the White House? Not likely!

Homer: Marge, kids. everything's gonna be just fine. Now go up stairs pack your bags, we're gonna start a new life... under the sea. (sighs)

[Fantasy based on the "Under the Sea" number from "The Little Mermaid."]

Homer: [singing] Under the sea! Under the sea! (eats three fish) there'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans under the sea!

(Seahorses swim inside his mouth. Homer then eats a lobster, two dancing slugs, a snail. He ends the fantasy surrounded by several fish skeletons. Back to reality...)

Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: move under the sea. It's not gonna happen!

Homer: Not with that attitude!

[edit] Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10]

Lisa: I found the new Al Gore book.

Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."

Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".

Grampa: Here you go, ya ingrate! Think of me when you're havin' the best sex of your life!

[edit] Fear of Flying [6.11]

(Shown walking up to a bar called The Little Black Box)

Homer: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.

Homer's Liver: Yay!

Homer: Shut up, liver!

(Homer punches his liver)

Homer: Ow! My liver hurts!

Airport Worker: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?

(all of the pilots stand up, trying to get his attention)

Airport Worker: Conditions are a little windy!

(all of the pilots who stood up sit down, leaving Homer standing)

Airport Worker: You! (points at Homer)

Homer: Me? But I...

Airport Worker: Hey! You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?

Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.

Airport Worker: (laughs) You flyboys, you crack me up!

(cuts to the cockpit of a plane)

Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!

Airport Worker: And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!

(forces Homer into room)

[edit] Homer the Great [6.12]

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

[Stonecutter's Song]

Who controls the British Crown?

Who keeps the metric system down?

We do, we do!

Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?

Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

We do, we do!

Who holds back the electric car?

Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?

We do, we do!

Who robs cave fish of their sight?

Who rigs every Oscar night?

We do, we do!

[edit] And Maggie Makes Three [6.13]

[Homer quits the power plant, grabbing Mr. Burns and playing his bald head like a bongo drum.]

Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.

Quimby: This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.

Nurse: Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.

Quimby: My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

[edit] Bart's Comet [6.14]

Homer: It's times like this I wish I was a religious man.

[shot of Reverend Lovejoy running past the house]

Reverend Lovejoy: It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!

Arnie: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States congress.

Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of-

Congressman: Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill - $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill?

[entire congress boos]

Speaker: Bill defeated!

Kent Brockman: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

[edit] Homie the Clown [6.15]

[Lisa and Bart watch as Krusty does his "Loop-de-Loop Bike Eating" trick]

Lisa: When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away!

Bart: He can take a simple, every day thing like eating a bicycle, and make it funny.

(Commercial for "Lady Krusty" Line)

Johnny Unitas: So, what do you think of the 'Lady Krusty Moustache Removal' system now, Angelique?

Angelique: It's "Krusterific," Johnny Unitas! But is my upper-lip supposed to bleed like this?

Johnny Unitas: Probably.

[edit] Bart vs. Australia [6.16]

Australian man: You call that a knife? This is a knife!

Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.

Australian man: All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

Homer: When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently in the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free! Because, as the old saying goes, "let your children run wild and free".

[edit] Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17]

Stockbroker: Homer, you knuckle-beak! I told you a hundred times to sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween! Before!

Homer: All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one!

Patty: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?

Selma: Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope!

[edit] A Star is Burns [6.18]

[Two women are watching Barney's film about his alcoholism.]

Woman: It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender, he has the soul of a poet.

Barney: You're very kind.

Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?

Barney: It didn't die!

[In Barney's film...]

Barney: My name's Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

[Camera pulls out to reveal that Barney is surrounded by little girls in scout uniforms, one of whom is Lisa.]

Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.

Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

[edit] Lisa's Wedding [6.19]

Marge: Remember, in England, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

Homer: I've got to call everyone and tell them the good news! [picks up the receiver, but gets a busy signal] What the... ? Maggie, I need to use the phone! [upstairs, Maggie rolls her eyes and hangs up] Doesn't that girl ever shut up?

[edit] Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20]

Bart: Hey, boy, you want to play fetch? [Santa's Little Helper looks at Bart then falls asleep] Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play any more since his bitch moved in.

Marge: BART! DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD AGAIN!

Bart: Well, that's what she is! I looked it up!

Marge: Well, I'm gonna write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me.

Marge: Ugh! This house stinks! You aren't just placing new newspaper over the old ones, are you?

Homer: Do you have a better solution?!

[edit] The PTA Disbands! [6.21]

Bart: Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.

Principal Skinner: She did?

Bart: Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

Homer: Lousy teachers, trying to pawn off our kids on us!

Lisa: But, Dad, by striking they're trying to effect a change in management so that they can be happier and more productive.

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

Jasper: (explaining the rules of his classroom) Looking out the window...that's a paddling. Staring at my sandals...that's a paddling. Paddling the school canoe...ooh, you better believe that's a paddling.

[edit] 'Round Springfield [6.22]

[Bart makes his way to the nurse's office and finds Lunchlady Doris picking tounge depressors off the floor.]

Bart: Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?

Lunchlady Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.

[Cut to Groundskeeper Willie in French class with a beret on.]

Groundskeeper Willie Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]

Lisa: Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor Bleeding Gums's memory!

Comic Book Guy: He's dead? Well why didn't you say so?

[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]

[edit] The Springfield Connection [6.23]

Homer: When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie... "Spaceballs." But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie "Police Academy."

(Marge is on the shooting range shooting cardboard cutouts of criminals and not shooting at civilians)

Chief Wiggum: You missed the baby, the blind guy...

[edit] Lemon of Troy [6.24]

Bart: Hey, quit sayin' bad stuff about my town, man!

Shelby: Why don't you make me?

Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it.

Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: Takes one to know one!

Database: CHECK MATE!

Bart: That tree is a part of our history and, as kids, the backbone of our economy! We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead!!

[edit] Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25]

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out!

[He presses yet another button, raising a shield over the model town which blots out the sunlight.]

Smithers: [horrified] Good God!

Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long!

Smithers: But sir! Every plant and tree will die! Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting! The town's sundial will be useless! I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.

Bart: [finding a gun while helping Grandpa unpack] Wow!

Grandpa: That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded--

Marge: [walking in] Aah! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house! [takes it away]

Grandpa: How can you have a house without a gun?! What if a bear came through that door?!

Marge: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. [walks out]

Grandpa: [to Bart] Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

[edit] Season 7

[edit] Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01]

[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

Moe: No. (buzz, red light) All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! (ding, green light)

Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.

Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) A date. (buzz) Dinner with friends. (buzz) Dinner alone. (buzz) Watching TV alone. (buzz) All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog. (buzz) Sears catalog. (ding) Now, would you unhook this already, please? I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (buzz)

Mr Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.

[edit] Radioactive Man [7.02]

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.

Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Bart: You're right, Lis! I can suck up to him! Like the religious people suck up to God!

[A prop man is painting black spots onto white horses.]

Martin Prince: Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?

Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You got to use horses.

Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?

Painter: Eh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.

[edit] Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03]

[The social worker looks at Maggie, who is wearing the "I'm a stupid baby" sign Bart originally put on Lisa)

Child-Welfare Officer #1: STUPID babies need the most attention!

Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...

Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday and-

Homer: The Springfield River!

[edit] Bart Sells His Soul [7.04]

Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...

Ralph Wiggum: [scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

[A raven outside crows menacingly.]

Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!

Bart: [angry] Milhouse!

Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

Bart: I can't take this any more! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out of the restaurant]

Homer: Bart! You didn't finish your Spaghetti and Moeballs!

Homer's Brain: Quiet you fool! It could be ours!

Homer: [eating] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life!

[edit] Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05]

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No!

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!

Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

[In Apu's garden]

Apu: ...it's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live".

Paul McCartney: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die".

Apu: Who cares, who cares? It had a good rhythm!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06]

Lisa: Do you understand what this means, Bart? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!

Grandpa: Eh, welcome to my world! (falls asleep)

Homer's Brain: (as he enters the 3rd dimension) Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation!

Homer: Holy macaroni!

[edit] King-Size Homer [7.07]

Lisa: Mom, aren't you going to step in and stop this?

Marge: Usually, your father's crackpot schemes fail once he sees something good on TV. But this season...

Telephone operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

[edit] Mother Simpson [7.08]

Newspaper headline: LOCAL MAN LOSES PANTS, LIFE

[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]

Homer: I'm sorry I never visit, Mom! I'm just not a cemetery person. (reads tombstone engraving): "Here...lies..."

[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]

Homer: WALT WHITMAN?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! DAMN YOU, WALT WHITMAN! (kicking the stone) I-HATE-YOU-WALT-FREAKING-WHITMAN! "Leaves of Grass," my ass!

[edit] Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09]

Airman: And at this point in time, I would like to direct your attention to the particular air-vehicle next to which I am currently standing: the Harrier jet, one of our more dollar-intensive ordnance loadery vectors. Although it looks very complicated, I assure you, it is so well designed that even a child could fly it.

Lisa: Can I fly it?

Airman: Of course you cannot.

[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]

Bart: Look at that hunk of junk!

Grandpa: (sputters) You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it fifteen miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!

Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?

Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets!

[edit] The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular [7.10]

(deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV)

Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.

[Devil Flanders appears]

Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.

Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry.

[Devil Flanders vanishes]

Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

Troy McClure: Yes, "The Simpsons" have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and now leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!

[edit] Team Homer [7.12]

Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.

Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!

Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?

Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Marge: Homer! Watch your mouth!

Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn weiner kids are listening. (hangs up)

Lisa: We are not weiners!

Homer: Then why are you dressed like that for?

Bart and Lisa: (in unison) They made us!

[edit] Two Bad Neighbors [7.13]

George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.

Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.

[edit] Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14]

Homer: Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!

Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!

Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one! And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny!

Marge: Homer, what are you doing?

Homer: I'm driving up to the main building. They got valet parking tonight.

Marge: We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car, we're walking.

Homer: But Marge, valets! For once maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

[edit] Bart the Fink [7.15]

Bart: Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friend. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.

Krusty: Uh... that could happen! Huh, who needs friends? The incessant beeping of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [laughs and pats the system fondly, before receiving a powerful electric shock and throwing it into the water]

Krusty: Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

Homer: [to Bart] Don't let Krusty's death let you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. [Bart stares at Homer, frightened] Well, good night.

[edit] Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16]

Edna Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.

Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!

Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!

Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

[edit] Homer the Smithers [7.17]

Smithers: I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word 'Incompetent'... [He does so.] 714 names? Better be more specific: "lazy, clumsy, dim-witted, monstrously ugly..." [Computer again reports 714 matches found.] Oh, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

[phone rings]

Homer: [answering] Yello, Mr. Burns's office.

Burns: Is it about my cube?

[edit] The Day the Violence Died [7.18]

Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.

Bart: Huh?

Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

[watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy"]

Bart: What the hell is this?

Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.

Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!

[edit] A Fish Called Selma [7.19]

Marge: What are you talking about?

Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...

Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!

Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...

Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.

[edit] Bart on the Road [7.20]

Homer: Wanna bite of my doughnut?

Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?

Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

(Bart and his friends arrive in a Las Vegas-esque city)

Nelson: (in awe) What is this place?

Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

[edit] 22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21]

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.

Apu Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.

Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.

Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99!

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...

Riviera But I cleaned them with my napkin.

Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.

Riviera I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

[edit] Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22]

Mr. Burns: Simpson, can't you go five seconds without embarrassing yourself?

[Grandpa's overall straps come loose and his pants fall down]

Grandpa: How long was that?

Grandpa: All right! You can have the paintings. Just don't hurt the boy!

Mr. Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both.

[edit] Much Apu About Nothing [7.23]

Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

Homer: Please identify this object.

Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.

Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen strips are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?

Apu: Because this particular flag is ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.

Homer: Uh... partial credit.

[edit] Homerpalooza [7.24]

Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool.

Homer: [off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!

Barney: [off-key] I wanna dance the night away!

Grampa Simpson: What the hell are you two doing?!

Homer: It's called "rocking out", dad. You're just not with it.

Grampa Simpson: I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me... and it'll happen to you!

Homer: No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' Forever! Forever! Forever!

[fades to the current timeline]

Homer: [dejected] Forever... forever...

[edit] Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25]

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?

Lisa: Hah! These are my only friends: grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.

Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

[Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store]

Homer: Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposeable enemas. You know what, make it two.

Owner: My apologies sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by- [the only other customer in the store walks out the door] follow me.

[edit] Season 8

[edit] Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01]

[Marge has given birth to identical Siamese Twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]

Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one...

George Stephanopoulos: [to Kodos] Uh, Mr. President, Sir. People are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.

Kodos: We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it!

[edit] You Only Move Twice [8.02]

Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.

[presses a button causing a bridge to blow up in the background of the screen the gentlemen are visible in]

UN Man 1: [all the men look at the explosion] Oh My God, the Fifty-Ninth Street Bridge!

UN Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.

UN Man 1: We can't take that chance.

UN Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance!

Scorpio: [scoffs] Collapsed on its own--you sh...You have seventy-two hours. See ya.

Homer has just walked in on Scorpio, who is tuning a giant death ray.

Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?

Homer: France.

Scorpio: [laughs] Nobody ever says Italy.

[edit] The Homer They Fall [8.03]

Barney: You'd never get me in a ring - boxing causes brain damage. [drinks from a can of varnish]

Kent Brockman [after being booed by the crowd at the fight]: This just in: go to Hell!

[edit] Burns, Baby Burns [8.04]

Larry: What i'm trying to say is--

Mr. Burns: You're what, selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!

Larry: Well Mr. Burns, I'm your son! [Burns is shocked, Larry looks at his foot] Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.

Smithers: With pleasure, sir!

[edit] Bart After Dark [8.05]

Marge: Now the cat needs his medication--

Homer: No problem.

Marge: --every morning and the furnace--

Homer: Can do.

Marge: --has been putting off--

Homer: Right.

Marge: --a lot of carbon monoxide--

Homer: Uh-huh.

Marge: --so keep the window open.

Homer: Gotcha - cat in the furnace!

Marge: Hmm, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us. And if anything happens, just use your best judgm... mmm... just do what I would do.

Belle: [through intercom]: Who is it?

Ned: Er, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house?

Belle: Just a minute.

[edit] A Milhouse Divided [8.06]

Kirk: You're letting me go!?

Cracker Co. Foreman: Kirk. Crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without!

Kirk: So that's it? After twenty years, "So long, good luck?"

Cracker Co. Foreman: I don't recall saying, "Good luck."

Nelson: Hey, van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.

Milhouse: Aren't you gonna say, "Haw-haw!"?

Nelson: Oh, by no means. (sits down): My dad left my mom when she got hooked on cough drops. By the end (voice breaks), her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.

Milhouse: Oh, so I'm not alone.

Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid (slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney), but he got over it.

Kearney's Son: I sleep in a drawer.

[edit] Lisa's Date with Density [8.07]

[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearny walk in on Lisa and Nelson kissing.]

Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!

Jimbo: That is so gay!

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters!

Lisa: What?

Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.

Lisa: Mom...?

Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.

[edit] Hurricane Neddy [8.08]

Lisa: Dad! I think a hurricane's coming!

Homer: Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.

Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away!

[Ned talks to God after his house is destroyed]

Ned: Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wanna yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I...*sigh*.

[edit] El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09]

Bart: [sees Homer's figure in the lighthouse light] Hey Lis! Is that dad?

Lisa: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

[Homer lies on a sofa, talking to a well-dressed man]

Homer: I always just figured my wife was my soulmate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?

Man: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

[edit] The Springfield Files [8.10]

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!

Bart: What if we don't?

Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.

Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy anything.

Homer: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.

[They both burst into laughter]

Homer: I kill me.

[edit] The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11]

[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]

Marge: What's my territory?

Frank Ormand: Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there! Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there!

Marge: Don't forget fat people! They can't stop eating!

Homer: (passing by) Hey! Pretzels!

[Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]

Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?

Skinner: [monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.

Marge: Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?

Legs: [off-camera] Boating accident.

Skinner: I believe it was a... boking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.

[edit] Mountain of Madness [8.12]

Homer: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.

Bart: Teamwork is overrated.

Homer: Huh?

Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.

Lisa and Marge: Yankees.

Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?

Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

(This line is often quoted online as a response to internet flaming.)

Homer: Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know- way richer than Lenny.

Burns: Ah yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

[edit] Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13]

Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. [at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]

Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.

Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.

Apu: [Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

Kearney: [As they walk through the park, things look more and more like nineteenth-century London] Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel!

Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!

Jimbo: Is this legal, man?

Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.

[edit] The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14]

Doug: Uh question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

June: Uh, well, uh...

Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar].

Bart: It's back to the basics, classic Itchy & Scratchy.

Lisa: We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years.

Bart: What else is on?

[Lisa changes the channel.]

[edit] Homer's Phobia [8.15]

[Bart walks in wearing a flamboyant Hawaiian shirt.]

Homer: Hey, boy, where’d you get that shirt?

Bart: I dunno. Came outta the closet.

Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!

Marge: So?

Homer: There’s only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals, and Bart doesn’t look like a big, fat party animal to me!

Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn’t be gay?

Homer: Right! Thank you.

[edit] Brother from Another Series [8.16]

Bart: [seeing Krusty perform at prison] Wow! Those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy

Lisa: And vice versa.

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.

Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

[edit] My Sister, My Sitter [8.17]

Chief Wiggum: Bye, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911! Uh, unless it's an emergency!

Lisa: G'bye, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget!

Chief Wiggum: Heh, it's Bob Seger! (He looks at the tickets and frowns) Aw, crap!

Ned: Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god because they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!

Homer: Militants, eh? Well if I were you, I'd kick their asses.

Ned: Well anywhodilly-doodle, the police say it's just a routine hostage-taking, but I gotta drive to Capitol City and fill out some forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?

Homer: Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders but...Marge was...taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and...

Lisa: (tugging at Homer's hand) I'll do it! I'll babysit!

Ned: I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young and the boys can be quite a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!

Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!

Ned: Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?

Lisa: Please, please, please!

Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her. (He slams the door.)

[edit] Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18]

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

[edit] Grade School Confidential [8.19]

[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]

Skinner: Now, Bart...son...I don't know what you think you saw but let me assure you that...

Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour..I mean, what Principal Skinner means, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!

Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!

Skinner: Is it...too late to say that?

Bart: Mmm-hmm!

Homer: Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Crab Apple! Why didn't anybody tell me? Now I look like an idiot.

[edit] The Canine Mutiny [8.20]

Marge: Aww, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off?

Homer: Can do. (puts Maggie on the floor) Laddie! (whistling) Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby?

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.

Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!

Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.

Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!

Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?

Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.

Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!

[edit] The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21]

Mr. Burns: Family, religion, friendship: These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

(When Lisa asks him about recycling)

Mr. Burns: Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese.

[edit] In Marge We Trust [8.22]

Ned Flanders: I think I may be coveting my own wife!

Ned Flanders: I'm meek...but I could stand to be meeker.

[edit] Homer's Enemy [8.23]

[Alarms blare and red lights go on at Homer's work station]

Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 5-13! [Homer glances at his watch] No, a 5-13! In your procedures manual? A 5-13? [Homer stares at his watch again] Look at your control panel!

Homer: Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.

[Homer goes into his office and pours water on his control panel, shorting out the console and alarms]

Homer: That got it.

[Grimes stares flabbergasted through his window.]

Homer: Oh, I can’t believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.

Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

Homer: No, I won't accept that.

Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]

Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

Moe: Okay, gimmie that, gimmie it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.

[edit] The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24]

[Wiggum encounters the Simpsons at Mardi Gras]

Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?

Bart: Mardi Gras, man! When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.

Homer: [points to Ralph and Big Daddy] Over there.

Ralph: [points to Chief Wiggum] Look Big Daddy, it's regular daddy!

Ralph: [to Chief Wiggum] Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you!

Skinner(aka Skinny Boy): Better start eating, kid!

[edit] The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25]

Bart: Military school!? You guys lied to me!

Homer: Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school!"

Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in!

Cadet #2: Don't worry; we'll drive her out of the academy! That's why God invented hazing!

[edit] Season 9

[edit] The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01]

Moe: [as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the 2 barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in] Yeah, alright, listen up guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]

Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having Designated Drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope... [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg; whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!

Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.

Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

[edit] The Principal and the Pauper [9.02]

Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.

Homer: Or crapweeds.

Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.

Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.

Skinner: The judge offered me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

[edit] Lisa's Sax [9.03]

[The "All in the Family" opening:]

Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...

Marge: Movies John Travolta made...

Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...

Homer & Marge: Those were the days!

Marge: And you knew where you were then...

Homer: Watching shows like "Gentle Ben"...

Homer & Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!

Homer: "Disco Duck" and Fleetwood Mac...

Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...

Homer & Marge: Michael Jackson still was black...Those were the daaayyyys!

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]

Young Grandpa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!

Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.

[edit] Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04]

[The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]

Kodos: What the hell was that?!

Kang: (speaking into microphone) Calling home planet! This is Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!

Superior Rigellian: (on Rigel VII) Suuuure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

[He and his fellow superiors laugh amongst themselves]

Mayor Quimby: You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.

[edit] The Cartridge Family [9.05]

Gun Shop Owner: Let's take a look at your background check. It says here you were in a mental hospital...

Homer: Yeah.

Gun Shop Owner: ...frequent problems with alcohol...

Homer: Oh Ho Ho Heh yeah.

Gun Shop Owner: ... beat up President Bush.

Homer: Former president. [the gun shop owner stamps Homer's forms] "Potentially dangerous"?!

Gun Shop Owner: Relax. It just limits you to three handguns or less.

Homer: Woohoo!

Homer: But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

[edit] Bart Star [9.06]

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Nelson's Father: Good game, son. We're going to celebrate at Hooters

Nelson: Ah... I don't wanna bother mom at work.

[edit] The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07]

Apu: Is it just me or do all of your plans involve a web of lies?

Homer: It's you.

Grampa: baloney you came here to put me in a home.

Homer: You're already in a home.

Grampa: Oh how could you!

[edit] Lisa the Skeptic [9.08]

Homer: Facts are meaningless. You can use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true. Facts, schmacts.

Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity--a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.

Prosecuting lawyer: Your Honor, over the coming weeks, and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--

Lenny: [points to window] There's the angel!

(Murmuring)

(The courtroom empties)

Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. As for Science versus Religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from Science at all times.

[edit] Realty Bites [9.09]

Marge: The first house I have to show you is, um... a handyman's dream. [smiles half-heartedly and lets out an "Mm-hmm"] Because it's so dilapidated. [groans]

Ned Flanders: Well, nothing's perfect. I sure hate to make you come out here and not buy a house.

Maude Flanders: Now, slow down, Neddie. The home buyer's course said always look inside the house before buying.

(Front wall of the main part of the house falls down to reveal that this is where Lenny, wearing a white undershirt and dirty boxers, lives. The interior is also dilapidated and is mostly empty)

Marge: Well, there it is.

Lenny: Please don't tell anyone how I live.

(Marge has resisted telling Ned that his new house was the scene of a murder)

Ned Flanders (off-screen): [high pitched scream]]

Ned Flanders: (hugging the drapes on his window) Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes! [high pitched scream]

[edit] Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10]

(After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything)

Moe: [disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.

Barney: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

(Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table)

Marge: "You'll all get yours in Hell, you lying thieving..." (hesitates): "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."

Homer: Oh, great, we have to write him a thank-you card, too.

Marge: Homer, I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

[edit] All Singing, All Dancing [9.11]

Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?

Homer: Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

Snake: [singing] A singing family, it's worse than I feared... for hostage purposes, you're just too weird! Bye!

[edit] Bart Carny [9.12]

Cooder: [Explaining the ring toss booth] The main thing is to bring in the rubes.

Spud: Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore.

Bart: Like "rubes"?

Spud: Now you're on the trolley.

Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What did he ever do to you?

[edit] The Joy of Sect [9.13]

Marge: I've never heard of these Movementarians; are they some kind of church?

Homer: Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.

Marge: But what if they try to talk us into something?

Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge [chuckles]. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?

Marge: You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.

Homer: So I beat the system.

Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.

Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

Movementarian woman: Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment?

Homer: What kind of beer?

Movementarian man: The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.

Homer: Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

[edit] Das Bus [9.14]

Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--

Bart: Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.

(children laugh)

Sherri/Terri: Hey, leave her alone.

Nelson: You leave her alone.

(children are all shouting at each other)

Ralph: Oh, Canada!

Principal Skinner: Order, order. Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?

Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration?

Homer (after staring blankly): Can I have some money now?

[edit] The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15]

Krusty: Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a "schwitz."

Jay Leno: He seems reluctant.

Bart: Tell him it will count towards his community service.

Krusty: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy

Moe: Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me,"hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?

Barney: No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]

[edit] Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16]

Homer: Why don't you sell your car?

Moe: Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.

Homer: Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.

Marge: [in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car!

Homer: I'll do it!

Homer: (scooting a cart of book to Moe's Tavern with his right leg) Must kill Moe! (holds onto the cart, riding along happily) WHHEEEEE!!! (goes back to scooting) Must kill Moe...! (holds again) WHHEEEEE!!!

[edit] Lisa the Simpson [9.17]

Grampa: (about Lisa) Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On accout of the Simpson Gene!

Marge: "Simpson Gene?" That's just foolishness!

Grampa: Nope. Baldness, too!

Grampa: Your dad used to be smart as a monkey, but then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's dumb as a chimp! And Bart used to be as smart as a chimp and now he's as dumb as a monkey.

[edit] This Little Wiggy [9.18]

(Lisa's model rocket flies into Mr. Burns's office at the nuclear plant)

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket!

Smithers (suggestively): You don't have to tell me, sir.

Bart: Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?

Ralph: Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.

Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?

Ralph: Yes.

[edit] Simpson Tide [9.19]

Captain Tenille: Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.

Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.

Kent Brockman: Well sir, "treason season" started early this year, as a nuclear sub (a photo of Homer dressed in a Cossack outfit standing outside St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow and holding a bottle of vodka while performing the Cossack dance appears during Brockman's report) was hijacked my local man Homer Simpson.

Marge: Oh my God!

Lisa: I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.

[edit] Girly Edition [9.21]

Store Clerk: May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?

Homer: Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

(Bart has aired a segment of "Bart's People" featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond)

Mr. Burns: (sniffling) Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?

Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.

Mr. Burns: Excellent.

[edit] Trash of the Titans [9.22]

Homer: This is a very, very proud day for us! Especially me, your father, me, beat City Hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!

Ray Patterson: Sorry I'm late everyone. Somebody tampered with my brakes!

Homer: Well then you should have been early!

[edit] King of the Hill [9.23]

Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!

[As Marge uses a telescope to look up at the mountain Homer just climbed]

Marge: Is that your wallet?

Homer: D'OH!!!

[edit] Natural Born Kissers [9.25]

(Homer and Marge rush over to some garden ornaments naked; Marge stands behind birds and a flower, Homer stands behind two lumberjacks sawing a log where his penis would be)

Homer: Marge, can we switch? I don't trust these guys!

Reverend Lovejoy: Now lets all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his natural glory.

[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]

Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.

[edit] Season 10

[edit] Lard of the Dance [10.01]

Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!

Lisa: Did she just tell me to "shut up?"

Homer: Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!

Willie: Okay. I'll strangle ya for a while!

Homer: We're, uh, foreign exchange students from... Scotland.

Willie: (gasps) Saints be praised. I'm from Scotland! Where do ya hail from?

Homer: Uh, North... Kilt-town.

Willie: No foolin'? I'm from North Kilttown! Do ya know Angus McLeod?

Homer: Wait! There's no Angus McLeod in North Kilttown! You're not from Scotland at all!

Willie: Ah, don't be daft. I was born and raised in... [notices the vacuum sucking up the grease] MY RETIREMENT GREASE! NOOOOOOOOO!

Alex: You can giggle all you want, and stink, but I have a credit card..so plccccth on you.

[edit] The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace [10.02]

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.

Homer Women will like what I tell them to like.

[edit] Bart the Mother [10.03]

(after Marge sees the bird Bart shot)

Marge: Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?

Bart: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left.

Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!

Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.

Marge (sighs dejectedly): Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! (gets in her stationwagon and drives off)

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs, ewwww" and "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory"

[edit] Treehouse of Horror IX [10.04]

Marge: (to Scratchy) You have to be neutered.

Scratchy: NNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Homer: Look, Marge, Maggie lost her baby legs!

Kang: Holy flurkin' schnit!

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.

Homer: (gasps) You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! (starts crying) Was he better than me?

[The Simpsons are on The Jerry Springer Show. The title: "My Daddy is A Space Monster." The audience cheers as Jerry Springer appears.]

Jerry Springer: Okay, we're back! Homer, how did it feel to learn your baby was fathered by a drooling space octopus?

Homer: It made me angry, Jerry. Angry and tired.

Jerry: Well, you're about to get a whole lot angrier, because we're about to have the extra-marital extraterrestrial coming to join us. He's backstage in a soundproof booth where he can't hear anything.

Kang: [from booth] I HEAR ALL!

Jerry: [ignoring Kang] Ladies and gentlemen, meet Kang!

[The audience boos as Kang comes out from backstage with two security guards at his side. He gives Marge a bouquet of flowers and kisses her on the hand. This galvanizes Homer, who jumps up and starts hitting Kang. Guards are forced to restrain them both.]

Homer: You one-eyed, two-timing [censorship "bleep" "bleep"], I'm gonna ["bleep"]!!!

Kang: Oh, yeah?! Well ["bleep"] your hyperbolic parabaloid ["bleep"] your momma!!

[Kang throws security guards off of him and picks up two chairs. He tries to hit Homer with them but the security guards stop him again. Homer tries to hit Kang, but the security guards stop him as well. Jerry Springer lets a woman from the audience speak.]

Woman: Yeah, I got a question for that gross thing, whatever it is.

Jerry: Homer.

Woman: Nah, the green dude. If you're that baby's daddy, where you been at?!

[Audience cheers. Kang is angry, but Homer claps contentedly]

Woman: You know, somebody needs to learn your green ass some responsibility!

[Kang has had it - he disintegrates the woman with a ray-gun.]

Jerry: Now hold on, Kang. You can't bully my audience with your fancy ray-gun!

[Kang disintegrates the rest of the audience anyway.]

Jerry: And now for my final thought. Nobody wins when parents put their petty squabbles above the welfare of a child. [cut to a shot of Marge, Homer, and Kang looking disappointed] Let's hope they put their differences aside, and do what's best for Maggie.

[The half-Rigellian Maggie jumps up and attacks Jerry's face.]

Jerry: OH MY GOD, WHAT THE ["bleep"]?!? GET THIS ["bleep"] BABY OFF-- [Maggie bites him] ["bleep"]!!! SON OF A ["bleep"]!!!

[Kang gets angry over what Jerry said about his daughter and starts to squeeze him. Homer gets up and starts to hit Kang, but Kang squeezes him too. All four of them continue to fight.]

Marge: [hangs her head] I'm so ["bleep"]ing embarrased...

[Outside of the studio, the Simpsons talk to Kang and Kodos about the matter.]

Marge: I can't believe it. Jerry Springer didn't solve our conflict.

Lisa: And now he's dead.

Kang: Any-hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!

Kodos: Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!

Marge: [not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!

Kodos: [darkly] Just watch us.

[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]

Bart: Don't forget Ken Starr!

Marge: Suckers!

Homer: C'mon Maggie, let's go home.

Maggie: [in Kang's voice] Very well. I'll drive! [laughs maniacally] I need blood!

[edit] When You Dish Upon a Star [10.05]

Homer: Ooh, I'm soaring like a candy wrapper in an updraft!

Ron Howard: Homer, we're out of vodka!

Homer: When was the last time Barbra Streisand ever did the laundry for you? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?! I'll tell you where! RAY BOLGER IS LOOKING OUT FOR RAY BOLGER!!!

Ron Howard: Do I Smell Vodka...And Wheatgrass?"

Homer: "I Call It A 'Lawnmower'!

[edit] D'oh-in in the Wind [10.06]

Homer: Yes the 60's may be dead and gone, but it's ideals live on! (Homer picks some flowers and puts them in the polices guns) Love! Freedom! And peace! (Homer gets shot) D'oh!

(cut to a cemetery, then whip pan to the Springfield General Hospital)

Dr. Hibbert: If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now!

Marge: Shouldn't you just pull it out?

Dr. Hibbert: (Trademark Laugh) I'm a doctor not a gardener!

Homer: Couldn't you just trim some of the leaves so I can watch TV?

Dr. Hibbert: Now what did I just say?!

Homer: I'm an uptown girl I've been living in an uptown world! I buried Flanders!

Young Homer on mural: How could you let me turn into you?

Homer: But but but the poncho.

Young Homer:(Mocking) but but but the poncho! Hit the road jack!

[edit] Lisa Gets an "A" [10.07]

Lisa: (speaking slowly while pretending to be sick) Mom, I need another day. I think the germs are regrouping.

(speaking quickly while resuming the video game) Now for breakfast, I'll have hash browns, eggs, and a short stack, and would it kill you to heat up the syrup?

Skinner: And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it!

(Ralph is sitting at their newly installed computer, engrossed in an educational spelling program)

Ralph: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! (he types "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer) I'm learn-ding.

Lisa: Aw, way to go, Ralph.

(Bart and Lisa are outside the boys' bathroom)

Lisa: Hey, I can't go in there!

Bart: Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

[edit] Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble" [10.08]

Homer: If I die in the operation, will ya do one thing for me.

Marge: Oooh, anything sweetheart.

Homer: (serious tone) Blow up the hospital.

(after hearing Homer's story of how he ran away from his dying father after promising him one of his kidneys)

Concertina Player: (in a French accent): I stole this accordian from a blind monkey, but you (spits): You disgust even me!

(Homer walks up to a man on a pier scraping gunk off the side of his ship)

Homer: Um, can I be a mate on your ship? Preferably first mate.

Guy: Well, if you'll look closely, you'll notice this is a taffy shop, shaped like a ship. (camera pulls out to show the taffy shop's name, "Call Me Delish-Mael")

Homer (dejectedly): Oh, I like taffy but I don't deserve taffy.

(at Bloodbath Gulch)

Bart (runs up to Marge with a paper in hand): Hey, Mom, look what I got! (shows Marge a wanted poster with Homer's face on it and the words, "WANTED FOR LEWD BEHAVIOR" at the bottom)

Marge: Oh, that's cute! (giggles): Did you get it in the souvenir shop?

Bart: No, that security guard is handing them out! (jerks a thumb behind him at a security guard handing out wanted posters to an Asian family. Marge sheepishly takes the poster from Bart, rolls it up, and stuffs it in her purse)

[edit] Mayored to the Mob [10.09]

Mark Hamill: Hey, thanks everybody. You know, I'm here as Luke Skywalker, but I'm also here to talk about Sprint. As you can see, you stand to save up to 17 cents a month over the more dependable providers-

Database: Ahhhh, talk about 'Star Wars'!

Crowd: YEAH!!

Homer: You stupid nerds! He's trying to save you money on long distance!

Homer: Oh My God, I killed the Mayor! Alright, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la Weekend At Bernie's.

Mark Hamill: This show is a conceptual nightmare, I mean, Nathan Detroit would never wear this! And this song isn't even in the show!

Cook: I don't have time for this. I got 75 shortcakes to strawberry. Now get out there, Luke!

Mayor Quimby: Quick! Use your light saber.

Mark Hamill: And break it? George Lucas actually makes me pay for these.

Bart Simpson: If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be.

Mark Hamill: Homer, use the for...

Homer: The Force?

Mark Hamill: The forks! Use the forks!

(Homer and Mayor Quimby are just arriving at dinner theatre)

Homer (to Yes Guy): Er, excuse me?

Yes Guy: Ye-e-e-es?

Homer: Table for the mayor?

Yes Guy: Ye-e-e-es!

Homer (perplexed): Why do you talk like that?

Yes Guy: I had a stro-o-o-oke!

[edit] Viva Ned Flanders [10.10]

[edit] Wild Barts Can't Be Broken [10.11]

Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!

Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?

Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.

Lisa: Even you?

Homer: Especially me.

Bart: But you gotta support the team, Dad! They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.

Marge: That's right! Like my mother always said, you've got to stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... (sees Homer picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward) ...to the bitter end.

[The kids have just revealed embarrassing secrets about Springfield's adults, including Homer.]

Bart (in a creepy British accent): Tune in tomorrow, and every day, until the curfew is lifted, because we'll be revealing embarrassing secrets about Springfield's other adults.

Homer: Well, at least they've already done me.

Bart: And we have plenty more on Homer Simpson.

Homer: D'oh!

Professor Frink: I have captured the signal, and am presently triangulating the vectors, and compressing the data down, in order to express it as a function of my hand. [points.] They're over therrrrrrrrre!

Ralph Wiggum (after musical number - to old people): You're wrinkly, somebody should iron you.

[edit] Sunday, Cruddy Sunday [10.12]

Moe: Bye weeks. Bronko Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks, and now he's dead! [pause] Well... maybe that was a good thing.

[edit] Homer to the Max [10.13]

Homer: Wow they've captured my personality perfectly! Did you see the way daddy caught that bullet?

Lisa: That's not really you, Dad, that's just a fictional character who happens to have the same name as you...

Homer: ....Don't confuse daddy, Lisa.

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power.

Max (Homer): Nobody snuggles with Max Power - You strap yourself in and feel the G's! [performs a hip gyration]

Marge: Oh, Lord...

Max: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things! The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!

Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?

Max: Yeah, but faster!

Max: So I want the monogram to read "M-A-X P-O-W ... "

Employee: Sir, traditionally, a monogram is just initials.

Max: Max Power doesn't abbreviate. Each letter is as important as the one that preceded it. Maybe more important! No, as important.

Employee: [sighing] Very well.

Max: And if you've got enough room, add some exclamation points and a pirate flag.

Trent: [walking up] The man knows what he likes.

Max: Just taking care of business.

Trent: If you don't, who will, huh? Trent Steele.

Max: Homer Si ... uh, Max Power.

Trent: Oh, hey! Great name!

Max: Yeah, isn't it? I got it off a hair dryer.

Trent: [laughs] I like a man who can poke fun at himself. [looks at his watch] Ooh, hey, my one o'clock cancelled. Eh, you had any lunch?

Max: Yeah, but I usually have three or four.

Trent: So where to eat? You like Thai?

Max: Tie good. You like shirt?

Max: Awww, this is the worst party ever.

Marge: Remember that New Year's Eve party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

[edit] I'm With Cupid [10.14]

(Homer is telling Lisa a bedtime story)

Homer: ...and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the evil ogre -- Barney -- had left the men's room in the most wicked condition! So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley --

Lisa: That's not a fairy tale; it's something that happened to you at Moe's!

Homer: Sssh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon!

Chief Wiggum: Tiffany's, eh? Uh, looks like Smoochy's going to seal the deal with a diamond the size of a doll's head.

Moe: Aw, man, he's making us look like a bunch of cheapskates. [looks down, and notices a rope that he has pressed into service as a belt is untied] Whoa, whoa, my rope came loose. [reties rope]

[Apu leaves Tiffany's, carrying a small bag]

Chief Wiggum: There he is, behind that shopping bag. [Apu takes a croissant out of the bag, and eats it] A croissant? What the -- ah, that's right, they have breakfast at Tiffany's now.

Homer: Only 'till eleven.

Homer: People! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!

The canister explosion makes an undefined blob in the sky. Below, Springfield's ladies try to make sense of it.

Maude: "I love you ..." it's an angel! Ooh, that's Neddy's pet name for me.

Sarah Wiggum: [looking up from giving Ralph a haircut] "I love you Poppin' Fresh." Oh, Clancy. [giggles]

Mrs. Krabappel: "I love you, Edna K!" It's a little run together, but that's what it says.

Marge: [looking up from hanging laundry in the back yard] "I love you ..." Cactus? Blobby? Upsilon? Oh, who am I kidding? Homer would never surprise me like that.

Pilot: I have to deliver a message. It's the sky writer's code.

Homer: I am so sick of that damn code!

Pilot: Stop it! Your kill us all!

Homer: Correction: Kill us both!

Apu: (GASP) Elton John!

Elton: That's my name. Well, not really...

[edit] Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers" [10.15]

Homer: Oh Marge, you saved me!

Bart: Wow, you are so much cooler than Milhouse's mom!

Wiggum: Yeah, way to channel that rage, Simpson.

Lisa: How'd you know your plan would work, Mom?

Marge: Glad you asked, honey. Well, I was watching "Dateline," and Stone Phillips said SUVs always roll over when you turn sharply. And the gas tanks explode at the drop of a hat.

Zookeeper: And she also knew that if a rhino sees a flame, he'll instinctively try to put it out.

Marge: Stone Phillips again.

Homer: Is there anything that guy doesn't know?

Zookeeper: Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?

Bart: Why, NBC, of course.

Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.

Wiggum: Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?

Homer: Oh, I'm sure of it.

Marge: But there's only one way to find out.

Homer <voice-over>: I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... <sound of gun cocking>... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. <very softly> CBS great.

Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

Willie: [attempting stand-up comedy] How many of ya hail from the fair city of Edinburgh? [dead silence] So, have ya noticed how North Edinburgh golfers putt like this? And South Edinburgh golfers putt like this? Eh? Eh? [dead silence] Oh, I see. Willie's not funny unless he's down on his knees, scoopin' up yer little brats' puke! [audience laughs] Thank you, you've been great!

Chalmers: Well, Seymour, it seems we've put together a baseball team, and I was wondering - who's on first?

Skinner: Yes, not the pronoun but rather a player with the unlikely name of "Who" is on first.

(Chalmers makes an angry sound)

Chalmers: Well, that's just great, Seymour. We've been out here six seconds and you've already managed to blow the routine.

(Chalmers storms off the stage)

Chalmers: (muttering to himself) Sexless freak.

[edit] Make Room for Lisa [10.16]

OmniTouch rep. Lindsay Neagle: "Communications, Unity... Community"

Lisa: Wow, I've been a cat, a tree, and Cokie Roberts. It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. What's that?

[A sandwich appears on a black background]

Lisa: Yuck! That sandwich is full of meat. [As the meats rotate] There's bacon, Canadian bacon, Mexican bacon [drooling] and a mouth-watering veal chop.

[two arms come from either side of the screen, grab the sandwich. Lisa takes a bite]

Lisa: Oh, no, now I'm dad!

[background, from Homer's point of view, fades in. He's at a ballet]

Lisa (as Homer): Oh, and I'm at a stupid boring ballet.

Homer: Relax, Lisa! Meet your new roommate! (Hums The Odd Couple Theme)

Bart: I'm gonna make your life a living hell!

Homer: (Still hums The Odd Couple and shoves Lisa in)

Bart: Trade you my next turn for your dessert!

Lisa: Deal!

Homer: D'oh!

[edit] Maximum Homerdrive [10.17]

Lisa: Lousy meat-eating scum!

Family: Huh?

Lisa: Not you...I'm going to protest this new restaurant called "The Slaughterhouse!" It's decorated with hanging steer carcasses, and a fountain of blood!

Homer: There's a place like that in Springfield? Then why are we eating this crap? (Knocks plates on the floor and breaks them) C,mon everybody. We're going to the slaughterhouse!

Marge: You didn't have to knock the food on the floor, Homer.

Homer: Didn't I?

Homer: Wait, is this the biggest steak you got? 72 oz.? I thought this was supposed to be a steakhouse, not a little girly, underpantsy, pink doily, tea party place!

Waiter: Well, we do have one steak available upon special request. We call it Sir Loin-A-Lot. It's the size of a boogieboard.

Homer: Ooh, I'll have that one! And to drink...meatballs.

Homer: What's happening to me? There's still food, but I don't want to eat it! I've become everything I've ever hated! (sobs)

Female Trucker: There goes the finest trucker who ever lived!

Homer: He called me Greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.

Male Trucker: In 38 years, he never missed a shipment. Well, it looks like this is one delivery old Red won't be making.

Homer: Oh, yes he will....AND ON TIME, TOO!

Marge: Oh no, Homer, NO!

Homer: I have to, Marge. I owe it to Red as both his friend and his killer!

Homer: Don't you have school?

Bart: Don't you have work?

Homer: Ahh, Touché.

[edit] Simpsons Bible Stories [10.18]

Homer (as Adam): [to Marge (as Eve)] You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.

Rev. Lovejoy: And now we come to King Solomon, whose wisdom was like a drill boring into the rock of injustice, boring… boring… boring…

Homer: (Running down stairway to Hell) Oooh, I smell barbecue! (giggling) Hey look! AAAAAAGH! They’re out of hot dogs! And the coleslaw has pineapple in it. AAAAGH! GERMAN POTATO SALAD!!

Wiggum: King Solomon, both men claim ownership of this pie.

Homer (as King Solomon): Hmm, The pie shall be cut in two. And both men shall receive...death. (the two men [who look like Homer's nuclear plant coworkers, Lenny and Carl, are taken away) I'll eat the pie.

Chief Wiggum: (Throwing Lisa and Milhouse/Moses into a pyramid) So long, kids! Give my regards to the British Museum!

(The Simpsons watch as their neighborhood is engulfed by The Apocalypse)

Marge: Oh, no! It's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?

Bart: Not anymore.

Lisa: It's The Rapture, and I never knew true love!

Homer: I never used those pizza coupons.

Milhouse/Moses: Well, Lisa, we're out of Egypt. So, what's next for the Israelites? Land of milk and honey?

Lisa: [consulting a scroll] Hmm, well, actually it looks like we're in for forty years of wandering the desert.

Milhouse/Moses: Forty years? But after that, it's clear sailing for the Jews, right?

Lisa: [nervously] Uh-huh-hum, more or less -- hey, is that manna? [the children cheer and run off into the distance]

Milhouse/Moses: (sees Pharaoh's chariots) Screw this! I'm converting! Save us, O mighty Ra!

[edit] Mom and Pop Art [10.19]

[Homer is getting hit by soup cans thrown by Andy Warhol]

Andy Warhol: Soup's on, Fat Boy!

[Homer is on the ground whimpering. Warhol approaches him with a larger soup can. Homer awakes from the dream.]

Homer: Andy! No!

Marge: Homer! Homer!

Homer: [waking up] Oh, Marge! Why does art hate me? I never did anything to art. [He holds up his arm, his fist is through one of Andy Warhol's Soup Can paintings) Oh. Let's get out of here.

Homer (as he looks at a picture of "Life in Hell"'s Akbar and Jeff): Matt Groening?! What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.

Homer: English side ruined. Must use French instructions. (Worried) "LE GRILLE"?! What the hell is that?!

[Homer and Bart throw doormats out the car windows, covering up street drains.]

Bart: Hit the road, "Welcome home"!

Homer: Adiós, "Casa de Flanders"!

Bart: See you in Hell, "God bless this house"!

Homer: So long, "The Simpsons"! [pause] D'OH!!!

Bart: Are you sure this is art, not vandalism?

Homer: That's for the courts to decide, son.

Marge: How's your father coming with that barbecue?

Bart: I think he's almost done.

[Homer runs at the barbecue with an umbrella, screaming in frustration. It gets stuck and flings him off.]

Bart: Yep, he's done.

[Bart is attempting to get Homer mad to help with his art.]

Bart: Well, I'm flunking math, and the other day...I was a little attracted to Milhouse.

Homer: AHHHH!

[edit] The Old Man and The "C" Student [10.20]

Abe: Settle a bet. Mole or boil?

Lisa: (playing bingo with the old folks) B-3!

Jaspar: You sunk my battleship!

(seniors laugh)

Lisa: G-47

Jaspar: You sunk my battleship!

(seniors laugh)

Bart: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?

Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania.Uh, why do you ask?

(Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth)

Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.

(the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning)

Ralph: Intercourse?

Superintendent Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.

(Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no")

Sea Captain: Arrrr, not a looker in the bunch.

[edit] Monty Can't Buy Me Love [10.21]

Mr Burns: It's time to win the love of these hate-filled morons.

Mr Burns: Simpson! I want to be loved.

Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

(after the disastrous interview on Jerry Rude and the Bathroom Bunch)

Mr Burns: That did not go well did it?

Homer: Good thing those lesbians knew CPR.

Mr. Burns: [to Smithers] Conga, conga, conga. We love Monty Burns more. Conga like you mean it. Please don't make me shock you.

Lenny: [After a silver dollar embeds itself in Lenny's head] AH! Take it out, take it out! [Carl takes it out, blood starts to spurt from where the coin was] Ooh! Put it back, put it back! [Carl replaces the coin] That was a close one. Want to go bowling?

Carl: Maybe you should see a doctor...

Lenny: Maybe you should shut up!

Willie's Ma: So you're back son.

Willie: Aye.

Willie's Pa I suppose you'll be leaving soon.

Willie: Aye.

Lisa: Ooh, I hear this really sucks. [she presses a button for director's commentary and Kevin Costner appears in a split screen]

Kevin Costner: I'm sorry. I am really sorry. Ugh, ah, I don't know what I was thinking, but "Field of Dreams" was good, wasn't it? Made us all believe again.

Lisa: Oh, poor Mr. Costner. He tries so hard.

Costner: Aw, thanks, you're sweet to say that.

Lisa: Uh... where are you?

Costner: [steps out from behind the TV] I'm back here. Hi, will you bring me a sandwich? Please? No, no crusts.

[edit] They Saved Lisa's Brain [10.22]

(Homer talks to the boudoir photographer over the phone)

Homer: You're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?

Photographer: Well, yes, unless you have issues about revealing your body.

Homer: I don't, but the block association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa.

Homer: Look Lisa. I got the runner up prize.

Lisa: You won second place?

Homer: No, but I got it. (pause) Stealing is wrong.

Lisa: [writing her letter] We can better ourselves!

[Lisa then sees a naked Bart riding a pig in the hallway]

Lisa: [to herself] Well, most of us.

Council: Stephen Hawking!

Skinner: The world's smartest man!

Lisa: What are you doing here?

Stephen Hawking: [through his voice box] I wanted to see your utopia, but now I see it is more of a "Fruitopia".

Skinner: [chuckles] I'm sure what Dr. Hawking means is--

Hawking: Silence! I don't need anyone to talk for me - except this voice box. You have clearly been corrupted by power. For shame.

Homer: Larry Flynt is right! You guys stink!

[The angry mob that Homer is leading cheers in agreement.]

Hawking: I don't know which is a bigger disappointment - my failure to formulate a workable unified field theory, or you.

Skinner: [threateningly] I don't like your tone!

Hawking: If you are looking for trouble, you've found it.

Skinner: Just try me, you--

[A boxing glove on a spring comes out of Hawking's wheelchair, bopping Skinner in the face. This encourages Homer and his mob to take action.]

Homer: Come on, you idiots! We're taking back this town!

Carl: Yeah! Let's make litter out of these literati!

Lenny: That's too clever... YOU'RE ONE OF THEM!!!

[They start fighting each other]

[After Stephen Hawking rescues Lisa]

Marge: Lisa, thank God you're okay!

Homer: Did you have fun with your robot buddy?

Lisa: [embarrassed] Daaaaaaad! [to Hawking] Oh, Dr. Hawking, we had such a beautiful dream. What went wrong?

Hawking: Don't feel bad, Lisa. Sometimes, the smartest of us can be the most childish.

Lisa: Even you?

Hawking: No. Not me. Never.

Marge: Well, I guess everyone has a different vision for the perfect world.

Lisa: Wow, Mom, that's really profound!

Hawking: Hey, you read that off my screen.

Marge: [awkward] Umm... How about some beers?

Hawking: That's the smartest thing I've heard all day!

[As Homer and Stephen Hawking have a drink at Moe's]

Hawking: Your theory of a donut-shaped universe is intriguing, Homer. I may have to steal it.

Homer: Wow, I can't believe someone I never heard of is hanging out with a guy like me!

Moe: All right, it's closing time. Who's paying the tab?

Homer: [imitating Hawking's voice box] I am.

Hawking: I didn't say that.

Homer: [still imitating] Yes, I did.

[Hawking's glove comes out again, bopping Homer.]

Homer: [still imitating] D'oh.

[edit] Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo [10.23]

[The Simpson family visits a cybercafe.]

Lisa: Wow, Dad, you're surfing like a pro!

Homer: Oh, yeah! I'm betting on Jai-alai in the Cayman Islands, I invested in something called "News Corp"...

Lisa: Dad! That's Fox!

Homer: AAHH! Undo! Undo!

Marge (wearing a Hawaii shirt): Hawaii, here we come!

Lisa (wearing a beret): No, no! We're going to Paris, I can feel it!

Bart (wearing a cape and vampire fangs): Come on, Transylvania!

Homer (dressed like a stereotypical rastafari): [Jamaican accent] No, mon, let's go home to Jamaica! I and I been in Babylon too long.

PA: Attention. Flight 605 to Tokyo is ready for departure, and has four available mega-savers seats.

Marge: Come on, Homer - Japan!

Homer: No, no Japan, Jamaica! I want to pass the dutchie on the left-hand side!

PA: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.

Japanese toilet: Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

Homer: (gasps) They're years ahead of us!

Magic fish: Spare my life and I shall grant you three wi-AAAGGGHHH!!! (Cuts off as Bart guts the fish)

[Homer and Bart are at a sumo arena.]

Homer: Mmm, $50 pretzel. Hey what's Baby Huey doing?

Bart: (Reading a pamphlet) Says here they throw salt before a match to purify the ring.

Homer: Hmm. (Walking up to the sumo ring) Spare some salt, tubby?

Sumo: Tubby? (Through subtitles) The name "tubby" is hurtful. As my weight problem is glandular. Are you gonna eat that? Yoink! [Takes Homer's pretzel.]

[Homer defeats a sumo wrestler.]

Emperor of Japan: Congratulations. I am the Emperor.

Homer: Yeah? And I'm Clobbersaurus!

[Homer picks up the Emperor and throws him into a bucket of sumo thongs. Homer showboats around the ring.]

Homer: All hail Emperor Clobbersaurus!

Homer: (After the family's last note is blown away by the wind) Shimatta-baka-ni!! (D'oh! in subtitles)

Marge: Come on, Homer. Japan will be fun. You liked Rashomon.

Homer: That's not how I remember it. Besides, if I wanted to see Japanese people I could have gone to the zoo.

Marge: Homer!

Homer: What? The man who washes the elephants is Japanese. His name is Takashi. He's in my book club.

Wink: Mr. Simpson, will cut you down, as soon as you answer one question about Japan.

Homer: Is the answer Japan?

Wink: Actually, it is. (yells in Japanese to someone offstage, translation: You idiot! Who the hell gave the answer?)

[edit] Season 11

[edit] Beyond Blunderdome [11.01]

Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!

Comic Book Guy: (gets thrown out of the screen test) But how did they know? (a computer gets thrown out) I had a mouse! (mouse gets thrown out) Thank you.

Mel Gibson: (Taking the pile of notes) Oh, c'mon! There's got to be somebody who knows the truth. (Reads some) "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it." "Loved it despite absence of flubber" -- glayvin? Okay here we go! Your movie was more boring than church. All that you did was yak yak yak, you didn't even shoot anybody. Damnit! I knew it!

Christan: Don't do this to you, Mel. The guy is probably a nut!

Mel: Maybe...but maybe he also knows the truth.

Homer: No time talk! Need steal car!

Marge: Look, they're making a movie! Robert Downey Jr. is shooting it out with the police!

[several police officers exchange gunfire with Robert Downey Jr., who is hiding from a warehouse]

Bart: I don't see any cameras.

(Mel and Homer prepare to show the new, improved Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. As it begins, Gibson, as Mr. Smith, is nearing the end of his filibuster speech.)

Gibson: Well, I'm not licked. I'm going to stay here and fight for this lost cause. Somebody will listen to me. Somebody will ... (collapses on the floor)

Payne: I believe the Senator has yielded the floor.

Gibson: (wakes up) Yield this, Senator Payne.

(He throws an American flag like a javelin, striking Payne. He falls on his desk, the flagpole now standing upright. Gibson grabs two other senators and slams their heads inside two desks.)

Gibsn: I move, we impose some serious term limits.

Homer: (from the press gallery) I second that motion. (holds up a rifle) With a vengeance! (tosses rifle to Gibson)

(Catching the rifle, Gibson jumps up on a table and quips, "All in favor, say die." Then, spinning around on a table like Curly Howard, the guns down most of the senators. The Senate leader complains that Gibson's actions are "highly unorthodox," and pounds a gavel. Gibson throws a fire extinguisher under the gavel, and when the leader hits it, it explodes. The explosion fills the building with smoke, and sends the statue on top of the Capitol Dome into the river. Just then, an aristocratic man storms in and identifies himself as the President of the United States. He demands to know what all the commotion is about. Gibson rips the National Seal down from the wall, and tosses it at the President, slicing off his head. The head lands at Gibson's feet. He picks it up and grimly says, "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." A crowd of happy schoolchildren bursts in and carries Gibson off, cheering. Gibson takes his badge, and throws it into the dead Payne's hand. Payne's hand clutches it, and then relaxes. The lettering on the badge is changed to, "The End." The lights come up in the screening room.)

Gibson: Pretty cool, huh?

Christian: You, uh, you chopped off the President's head.

Gibson: Bet you didn't see that coming.

Hannah: You impaled a United States Senator with the American flag!

Milo: Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?

Homer: It was symbolism. He was mad.

Christian: But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like Howard's End or Sophie's Choice.

Homer: Ugh. Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. (sotto voce) P. S.: Mission accomplished. (high-fives Gibson)

Christian: But we already bought five Golden Globe awards!

Gibson: I don't make movies to win awards. (holds up two Oscar statuettes; speaks in sotto voice) Especially now that I have two Oscars. (normal voice) I make movies for guys like him.

Homer: Yeah, guys like me!

Christian: Who are you, anyway?

Homer: Do the words Executive Producer mean anything to you?

Gibson: Executive Producer?

Homer: We'll talk.

Christian(takes film off the projector): You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than Godfather III.

Gibson: Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa! Let's not say things we can't take back.

Christian: All right, all right, I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the daylight again.

(He takes a lighter to the film, intending to set it aflame. Gibson and Homer gasp.)

Gibson (pointing out the window): Look -- they're towing away a Range Rover.

(Christian, Milo, and Hannah run to the window to look.)

Hannah: There's no --

Gibson (grabbing film) Yoink! C'mon Homer, we've got a movie to premiere.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

(Gibson and Homer beat a hasty retreat.)

Christian: We've got to get that film back or we're all going to get fired, you know what I mean?

Milo: Yeah.

Christian: Huh?

Milo: Yeah.

Christian: Huh?

Milo: Yeah.

Christian: Huh?

Milo: Fired.

Hannah: Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!

Christian: You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?

(Trio drives up to the dummy)

Milo: Jesus! It's just a dummy.

Christian: I know but he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are confused) Let's go.

Moe: We'll that was disgusting.

Comic Book Guy: (typing) Worst ending ever!

Ned Flanders: I think I'm gonna be sick!

Saleswoman: Thinking of saying goodbye to gas?

Bart: You betcha! (Bart burps)

Marge: Bart! (Marge farts) Well, that shut me up.

[edit] Brother's Little Helper [11.02]

Chief Wiggum: That's the end of your Looney Tune, Drugs Bunny.

Skinner: Fire can be our servant, whether it's toasting s'mores, or raining down on Charlie.

Mark McGwire:Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.

Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?

Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?

Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!

[outside, Bart appears in the window, dressed in cheerleader garb]

Bart: Gimme an "F!" Gimme an "art!" What's that smell?

Skinner: Good Lord! He's gotten into the pep closet.

Homer: I'd say he's coming out of the pep closet! [chuckles]

[Sir Wide Bottom the clown has narrowly escaped Bart's tank]

Sir Wide Bottom: I'm sure I'm alive, but why?

[Burns observes Bart's tank rampage through binoculars]

Burns: Smithers, we're at war!

Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.

Burns: And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

Homer: The frame store?! You monster!

[edit] Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [11.03]

Homer: I smell cake! Cake that says (sniff sniff) "Farewell" and (sniff sniff) "Best Wishes"!

Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart: Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

Newspaper editor: ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa: And what percent is that?

Newspaper editor: Zero.

(Lisa frowns)

Newspaper editor: Zero’s a percent!

(Referring to Johnny Newspaperseed)

Homer: If he's so smart how come he's dead?

Retiring Food Critic: Who are you and why are you ruining my retirement party?

Homer: I'll have you know, I wandered off from the tour.

Homer: Here we are, the zoo.

Bart: Well, that's great, Dad, except you were supposed to take us to the newspaper.

Homer: (echoing) D'OH!!!!

Homer:: You should always give in to peer pressure.

Lisa: But what if someone bad tells me to-

Homer: -always!

(Homer give his review to the Editor. The Editor laughs out of control.)

Homer: So what do you think?

Editor: (Still laughing) This is a joke, isn't it? Why, this is the stupidest thing I ever read!

Homer: What's wrong with it?

Editor: Well you keep using words like "pasgetti" and "mamatoes". You made numerous theatening references to the UN. And at the end, you repeated the words "Screw Flanders" over and over again.

Editor: We're looking for somebody who doesn't immediately poopoo everything he eats.

Homer: Nah, it usually takes a few hours.

Editor: Homer, what gives with this review? You say "the salad tastes like bark" and "the potatoes were very (growling)." This looks like it was written by a dog!

Homer: Are you crazy? A dog can't type...unfortunately.

Editor: Listen, you got to shape up! Next week is the "Taste of Springfield" festival. And you'll be reviewing every restaurant in town. Remember, peple have certian expectations in the "Life Ways" section.

Homer: Like what?

Editor: Ohhh, I don't know. Astrology, Bermuda, vacation horror stories, articles about Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. You know, chick crap.

(Cameras go to a meeting at the Frying Dutchman)

Luigi: Homer is out of control. He gave me a bad review! So my friend put a hores head in his bed. He ate'a the head and gave it a bad'a review! True story.

Sea Captain: Yarrrr. Well I had enough of Homer! His bad reviews are sinking our businesses!

Akira: Then why did you put yours on the window?

Sea Captain: Yarrrr. It covers up the D from the health inspector.

Guilded Triffle Manager: Well (pauses) I say we ban Homer from our restaurants!

Akira: No, that would be impolite. I say we KILL HIM!

(Managers chater about the idea until Izzy from Izzy's Deli interupts them.)

Izzy: Now hold on a minute! Are we restaurant workers or are we murderers?

Sea Captain: (pointing three frames that have a swordfish and Blue Martian and an empty one for Homer) Does THAT answer your question?

Akira: We'll kill him at the "Taste of Springfield" festival. We'll give him all that he can eat until he can eat no more. Then, he'll get his just dessert!

Frenchman: This will be Homer Simpson's last lanngiape.

Guilded Truffle Owner: C'mon! You're going to kill him with a pastry? I've seen this man eat a bowl of change!

Frenchman: This éclair has over one million calories, twenty-five pounds of butter per square inch and covered in chocolate so dark light cannot escape its surface. (Workers reach for the picture.) No! No! No! No! This is just a picture! Homer Simpson will the real thing but delicious and deadly.

Akira: Ah, yes. Death by chocolate! (Laughs)

Frenchman: And poison. I'll stick in some poison.

Homer: (Singing) I like pizza, I like bagels, I like hot dogs with mustard and beer...

Editor: I get the pict...

Homer: (Still singing) I'll eat eggplant, I would even eat a baby deer, lalalala la la la la lala, who's that baby deer on the lawn...

Editor: Enough already!

Homer: Sorry...

[edit] Treehouse of Horror X [11.04]

Announcer: Live from fabulous Centauri City, it's The Simpsons Tenth Halloween Special! (curtains reveal a pumpkin-shaped spaceship with two eyeballs in the eyeholes) Now, please welcome your hosts - if you haven't been probed by these two, you haven't been probed - Kang and Kodos! (the eyeballs are revealed to be Kang and Kodos's as they emerge from the spaceship)

Kang: Thank you, thank you.

Kodos: Yes, thank you, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to our 10th anniversary show. Oh, we've got a great-- (notices Kang wearing a welders' mask and lighting an acetylene torch) Kang... what are you doing?

Kang: You said we were going to warm up the audience!

(Cut to a shot of the audience, which is entirely consisting of aliens including one that resembles Grampa. Canned laughter is played, but the audience appears unamused)

Kodos: Ladies and gentlemen, I have to apologize for my partner. He had to borrow a human brain! (more canned laughter)

(Cut to Simpsons' living room, where the family sits on the couch watching Kang and Kodos, with Homer appearing as the jack-in-the-box from "Treehouse of Horror II", Marge as the witch and Bart in his half-fly form from "Treehouse of Horror VIII". Maggie is in her half-Rigellian form from "Treehouse of Horror IX", and Lisa is an axe-attack victim.)

Lisa: What do aliens have to do with Halloween?

Maggie: Silence! (disintegrates Lisa with her ray gun)

Tom Arnold: My shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

Comic Book Guy/The Collector: [after being covered in lucite] Lucite hardening ... Must end life in classic Lorne Greene pose from Battlestar Galactica... Best... death... ever!!!

Homer: The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!

Lisa: Look at the wonders of the computer age now.

Homer: Wonders, Lisa, or blunders?

Lisa: I think that was implied by what I said.

Homer: Implied, Lisa, or implode?

Lisa: Mom, make him stop.

Homer: Yello?

Voice on telephone: I know you're alone.

Homer: Who is this?

Voice: Is this Maude Flanders?

Homer: No, it's...Homer.

Moe: Oh, hey Homer, it's Moe. I must have dialed the wrong number.

[Bart and Homer are on a rocket with second-rate celebrities, headed for the sun]

Bart: Don't worry, Dad. We'll be dead in five minutes.

Homer: Not fast enough!

[Homer presses a red eject button and the two are launched into space. In the vaccum, they both sigh with relief and smile as their heads inflate like ballons, as does Bart's body, while they drift out of view. Off screen, we hear pops as they explode]

[edit] E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [11.05]

(after it's been decided that the family will live on Grampa's old farm)

Bart: I'll dig an outhouse!

Lisa: I'll weed the floor!

Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! (plasters a fake smile on her face)

(Homer is offering tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum)

Homer: Try some, won't you?

Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

Ralph Wiggum: (Takes a bit and immediately spits it out) Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!

Chief Wiggum: (Does the same) Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!

Ralph Wiggum: I want more! (Starts devouring more tomacco)

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. (Joins his son)

Homer: (chuckles)

[edit] Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [11.06]

(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing up as a Teletubby)

Homer (in baby talk): Look, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. (sternly): And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise!

Homer: [playing peek-a-boo] Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? [uncovers his eyes] Hey, where is she?

[edit] Eight Misbehavin' [11.07]

Manjula: If it isn't the parents of one baby, (sarcastically) how do you manage?

Homer: (Loud Whisper) Marge, they've turned into jerks.

Apu: (Getting up while all of the babies fall down.) I'm sorry that I've been rude. Could I offer you something to drink?

Homer and Marge: No, thanks.

Apu:You're right. As a token of forgiveness please take this baby. (holds up one baby)

Marge:(clearly considering the offer)

Homer:No Marge! No!

(As Homer is performing with rattlesnakes poorly)

Lisa: Are those real snakes?

Bart: Most of them, some of them are just robots filled with venom.

(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)

Apu: Here goes nothing.

Apu and Manjula: (as symbols appear on the tester) Baby... baby... lemon.

Manjula: All that sex for nothing.

Apu: Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

(Apu is asleep with the babies)

Manjula: Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.

Apu: Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

Manjula: Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.

Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!

[edit] Take My Wife, Sleaze [11.08]

Meathook: We're the Hell's Satans out of Bakersfield!

Homer: You're Hell's Satans? What a fun coincidence! My gang's name is also the..

Meathook: Shut up! You stole our club name!

Ramrod: According to our bylaws, we gotta stomp you.

Ramrod: Hey, hey! Chew with your mouth closed, please!

Greaser: You've just won yourself a motorcycle.

Homer: It's mine. (hugs the motorcycle) Finally I've won the respect of my fellow ma-GET AWAY FROM IT! (crowd backs off)

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satans comes to order.

Flanders: I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.

Lenny: How about the Devil's Pals.

Flanders: No, see-

Moe: Or the Christ Punchers!

Meathook: (to Homer)There's only one reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circle of death.

Marge: Ohh, I just swept the circle of death.

Meathook: Do you know what I'm going to do after I kill you? Take your wallet.

Homer: Never! It was a gift from Newsweek!

[edit] Grift of the Magi [11.09]

Gary Coleman: Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since "Webster."

Gary Coleman: Watcha talkin' 'bout, Ms. Naegle?

Lindsey Nagle: That is so adorable! You're rehired.

(Lindsey walks back into room)

Gary Coleman: Sucker. I knew exactly what she was talking about.

Gary Coleman: What you talking 'bout everyone?

Fat Tony: I don't get mad, I get stabby.

(Trying to figure out how to raise money)

Flanders: (stands up) I got a motor home I never use, maybe we should raffle it off.

Homer: Maybe you should shut up.

Flanders: Well I..okay. (sits back down)

[edit] Little Big Mom [11.10]

Lisa:Excellent

Homer tries to remember what the ski instructor told him in an emergency, but his thoughts get invaded by Flanders showing off his new skiing attire. Flanders: Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all! "Nothin' at all!" echoes several times. Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders... Ow, my legs! This is the worst pain ever!

[edit] Faith Off [11.11]

Homer: (Cooking meat) Okay, who needs another lamb rack? (Marge and Bart nod no) Lisa? Ham hock, Try tip?

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?

Homer: Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

Bart: Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?

Brother Faith: Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.

Bart: Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to limit my power.

[edit] The Mansion Family [11.12]

Homer: Oh, why won’t anyone give me an award?

Lisa: You won a Grammy.

Homer: I mean an award that's worth winning!

[Words run across the screen saying "Legal Disclaimer: Mr. Simpson's views do not match those of the producers, who don't consider the Grammy an award at all."]

[After Walter J. Chapman receives the award for Springfield's Oldest Man, Britney Spears kisses him on the cheek, causing him to clutch his chest and die. The award is passed on to the next oldest man: Mr. Burns.]

Mr. Burns: Gosh, this is all so sudden. [backs away in alarm as Britney tries to kiss him too] Don't give me that kiss of death, you black widow!

Kent Brockman: [pries the award from Mr. Chapman's dead hands] Boy, he didn't want to let go of that.

[The audience laughs. Brockman hands the award to Burns]

Mr. Burns: Well, I, uh, don't have a speech prepared but, uh, abra-cadaver!

[He reaches into Chapman's coat-pocket and pulls out his speech papers]

Mr. Burns: [reading] "Thank you all so much. I love Springfield, from the cuddliest infant to..." [grimaces and rifles through the rest of the speech] ... "Puppies"?! ... "Patriotism"?! ... "Bluebirds"?! ... Pffft! I'm not reading this drivel! This speech is over!

[He tosses the speech aside and walks offstage]

[The Simpsons family go home from the National Awards; while the others are easily carrying small awards, Homer drags along what looks like a huge one]

Homer: Well, I think that was a profitable night for us all.

Marge: Homer, that's not an award, it's part of the set.

Homer: [proud] Nothing you say will diminish this honour.

Mr. Burns: Now that I'm Springfield's oldest man, I'm starting to realize I'm not a young man anymore.

[In Burns' mansion]

Bart: (riding a golf cart) I'M AL UNSER, JR.!

Lisa: (on a horse) I'M PRINCESS MARGARET!

Homer: (on a riding mower) I'M DRUNK!

[Mr Burns is filling in a medical form.]

Mr Burns: Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

Homer: [In Mr. Burns' huge dining hall] LOOK HOW LOUD I HAVE TO YELL!!!!!!!

Marge: [at tea] Hmm, I know what the other eleven forks are for, but what do you do with this one?

Homer: [in a posh voice] Why Marge, I believe you're supposed to scratch your ass with it!

Marge: [doing so] Homer, watch your la-- [blissful] Oooooh... That's a lifesaver!

[Homer nods]

Marge: Homer, did you jimmy-open Mr. Burns' liquor cabinet?

Homer: [drunk] "Jimmy" is such an ugly word, Marge. Unless you're talking about Jimmy Smits! [purrs]

Homer: [to his family, while trying to truly live in Burns' mansion] Listen. I worked long and hard for this place, and no one's gonna take it away from me. Not you, not its rightful owner, not anybody!

Marge: Homer, you have to stop pretending this is your house. You're not a billionaire.

Homer: [bitter] Gee, way to burst my bubble, Marge.

Marge: All I'm saying is don't get too comfortable. Mr. Burns will be back tomorrow.

Homer: [seemingly coming to a realisation] Marge, you're right. We do have to have a party!

Marge: Party?! No! No parties!

Homer: What about "par-TAY"s?

Marge: No "par-TAY"s, no shindigs, no keggers, no hootenannies, no mixers, no raves, no box socials!

Homer: Damn! [gets out a card featuring him on a bike saying "It's a box social!"] And I looked so good on that bike...

Homer: Gentlemen, get off your knees. Your rich uncle Homer is throwing the wildest box social the high seas have ever seen! [leaves] ... [pokes head back in] And you're invited.

[The barflies cheer]

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?!

Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.

Mr. Burns: You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

Apu: [In the Pirates' net] Oh, they are poking every nook and cranny. Well, every cranny, anyway. So far, the nook is relatively-- [a Pirate pokes him with a rod] OOOOOOH, NO, IT ISN'T!

[In the Pirates' net]

Lenny: Some party, Homer.

Homer: Shut up, net-face.

Lenny: Hey, you're in the net too!

Homer: I said "Shut up, net-face"!

Moe: We're gonna die, and I never tasted cantalope!

Krusty: Ahh, you didn't miss much. Honeydew is the money melon.

[After being dropped into the ocean in the Pirates' net]

Lenny: Hey, whaddaya know? It floats!

Homer: That was my plan all along. Now relax and the currents will take us home.

Bart: What about the people on the bottom?

Homer: They're the greatest heroes of all. Hey! Something’s clawing at my leg! ... Okay, it stopped.

Lisa: Ah, it's good to be home.

Homer: I don't know. After living like a billionaire, this place is kind of a dump.

Bart: Nah, it's not so bad. Here, we can spit on the floor. [spits on the floor]

Marge: Bart, stop that! Now we may not have antique furniture, or priceless artwork, but we do have everything we need right here.

Homer: That's right. Just because we're not rich doesn't mean... [starting to cry] Oh, I can't even finish! I WANNA BE RICH!

[He continues to sob and cry as the credits roll]

Homer: Like THESE GUYS! [sobbing] And look at all these rich people here! [As the voice actors' names appear] Not as rich as they should be, of course, BUT STILL RICH! [sobbing] Big money... Look at all the names! They all have money! And have lots of money... [sobbing] Oh, he's poor. BUT LOOK AT ALL THE PEOPLE WHO AREN'T! Oh, look at all the people who can buy and sell me! I should send a list of these names to the IRS! I'm takin' em all down... [sobbing] Look at all the rich people... OH, LOOK AT THAT RICH--

[Gracie Films logo hushes]

Homer: [annoyed] Don't shush me, you rich bastard!

[edit] Saddlesore Galactica [11.13]

Homer: That horse better win, or we're taking a trip to the glue factory. And he won't get to come.

Lenny: That's a great tour but you can't see it all in one day

Carl: Hey, be quiet.

Bill Clinton: Thank you, Lisa, for teaching kids everywhere a valuable lesson: If things don't go your way, just keep complaining until your dreams come true.

Marge: That's a pretty lousy lesson.

Bill Clinton: Hey, I'm a pretty lousy president.

Lisa: Mom, I think you're developing a gambling addiction.

Comic Book Guy: (sporting a Worst Episode Ever t-shirt) I'm watching you.

Lisa: I can't believe those idiot judges were impressed by glowing plastic tubes.

Homer: Look Lisa! It glows. Ooooh!

Man: Be sure to stick around for the battle of the elementary school bands.

Homer: Ohhh.

Marge: Homer, Lisa's in that!

Homer: I stand by my disappointed groan.

Man: Folks, how often have you opened the morning paper only to have the rubber band fly off and hit you right in the eye?

Marge: Never. But it's my number one concern.

All jockeys (chanting): Freaks, freaks, freaks!

All jockeys: We are the jockeys, jockeys are we. We live underground in a fiberglass tree.

Jockey 1: Hah!

Jockey 2: Ooo!

Jockey 3: Haha!

Jockey 3: 'tween Earth and Hell, we reign supreme,

Jockey 4: on toadstool thrones by a chocolate stream.

Jockey 5: But all is not well in Jockey Town.

Jockey 6: Your renegade horse is making us frown.

Homer (spoken): What do you want me to do?

Jockey 7: Your horse must lose.

Homer (spoken): My horse must lose?

Jockey 7: No win!

Jockey 8: No show!

Jockey 3: No place!

Jockey 4: Just lose the stinkin' race.

Homer (spoken): And what if I refuse to lose?

Jockey 7: We'll eat your brain.

Homer (singing): My horse must lose!

Homer: Hey, where can we get those metal dealies for his feet?

Jockey: You mean horseshoes?

Homer: Hey, what's with the attitude? I just wanted some dealies.

Bart: Hey, Dad, if Duncan is going to race, shouldn't we train him?

Homer: Son, everything about training I learned from watching The Horse Whisperer. Step one: Seduce a lonely housewife. (turns to an open window where Maude Flanders is standing and tips his hat): Ma'am. (Maude closes the blinds): Now for the actual horse whispering. (leans in and whispers very loudly): When the race starts, run really fast.

Homer: I'll deal with those murderous trolls.

Bart: Huh?

Homer: I mean... I'll deal with those murderous trolls!

Marge: Should the Simpsons get a horse?

Comic Book Guy: Excuse me, I believe this family already had a horse, and the expense forced Homer to work at the Kwik-E-Mart with hilarious consequences.

(pause)

Homer: Does anyone care what this guy thinks?

Crowd: No!

Nelson: That horse doesn't take no guff from no one.

Jimbo & Kearney: "Guff"?!

Nelson: I mean, "shi--"

(Jimbo and Kearney pummel Nelson)

Marge: Furious D?

Bart: He's the bad boy of racing. He's got attitude and bad-itude. So show him latitude, and you'll win his gratitude. Only in America!

Lisa: Ew, you used my bracelet for a nose ring.

Homer: Possessions are fleeting.

Bart: Who are those pleasant old men?

Homer: It's BTO. They're Canada's answer to ELP. Their big hit was TCB. It's how we talked in the 70s. We didn't have a moment to spare.

Homer: Man, I got more trophies than Wayne Gretzky and the Pope combined.

Announcer: And away they go! It's Chock Full o' Drugs, followed closely by Stalker, with Old Levi's fading fast!

Wiggum: This is clearly a case of animal cruelty. Uh, do you have a permit for that?

Barker: No problem, sir, it's in my car.

Lou:You've gotta stop being so trusting, Chief.

Chief Wiggum: I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

Race Announcer: Could it be? In a bizarre twist, a horse is abusing a jockey! Might this be the start of a terrifying Planet of the Horses? In this announcer's opinion, almost certainly yes! And away I go! (runs out of the announcer booth. Moments later, one can hear the sound of a car speeding off)

Homer: Good horse. Here's a taco. You'll get another one when you win.

Chief Wiggum: All right, show's over, folks. I'm afraid this horse is going to the dog food factory.

Homer: Good luck getting a horse to eat dog food.

Homer: Vietnam veteran.

Gatekeeper: Do you have a military ID?

Homer: ID? Man, Charlie didn't ask for no ID when I fought at La Choy, and Chun King. I saw my best friend's head explode at Margaret Cho.

Marge: Homer, give him the 50 cents.

Homer: Why should I? Did my country give me a parade? No, man, they spat at me and...

Gatekeeper: Just go! <waves him in>

Homer: Thank you. This closes the saddest chapter in American history.

[The family is watching Lisa in the Springfield Elementary School band]

Bart: Wow, check out Lisa, she's a sax machine. Makes me think I should've done something with my life. (shrugs) Oh well.

(continues drinking his soda)

[Homer is wearing a crispy brown version of his shirt]

Homer: See Marge? I told you they could deep-fry my shirt.

Marge: I didn't say they couldn't, I said you shouldn't.

[edit] Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [11.14]

Homer: Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [notices Ned glaring at him] Yeah, I, uh, but there's no point in playing the blame game.

Homer: I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!

Ned: Are you sure?

Homer: Positive, there's a lot of hot people up there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes-

Ned: Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a character.

Homer: Oh he sure was! [does a sexy growl]

[edit] Missionary: Impossible [11.15]

TV: You're watching PBS.

Bart: You're watching PBS?

Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

Mister Rogers: It's a beautiful day... to kick your ass!

Betty White: Homer, you don't have ten thousand dollars, do you?

Homer: No ma'am.

Betty White: And you thought you could just stab your problems away?

Homer: Yes ma'am, sorry ma'am.

[Homer runs down the church aisle.]

Homer: SANCTUARY! SANCTUARY!

Rev. Lovejoy: Ugh, why did I teach him that word?

Homer: What? This can't be right! I don't even believe in Jebus!

...

Homer: Save me, Jebus!

Homer: I'm here to deliver God's message! And lo, what a wonderful message it is! Like this, from the Book of Pee-salms: "God will shatter the heads of his enemies, the hairy crown of those who walk in their wicked ways, that you may bathe your feet in blood!" As true today as it was when it was written.

Oscar the Grouch: Give us the money!

Elmo: Elmo knows where you live!

Bart: Dad, are you licking toads?

Homer: I'm not not licking toads (licks a toad)

[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]'

Homer: But I don't know what to do!

Craig: Well, we taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

[Homer is rolling around on the ground franctic over what to do with the natives]'

Homer: Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!

[The natives do the same thing as Homer after watching him briefly]'

The Natives: Oh God, Oh God, Oh God!

[edit] Pygmoelian [11.16]

Moe: I've been called ugly, pug-ugly, fugly, pug-fugly, but never ugly ugly.

Homer: All right, guys. 1, 2, 3... (Homer, Carl, and Lenny pull their shirts out, revealing three letters (M,O,O) drawn in their tummies) MOO?! Lenny, you were supposed to be 'E'!

Carl: See what happens when you skip rehearsal?

Lenny: That's my "MOO!"

(During the Drunk Toss Contest at Duff Days, Titania [the large-chested bartender from Juggernauts] is up next to toss out a drunk, but is too disgusted to touch him)

Titania: (to the drunk): Ew! (to Duffman): You said if I slept with you, I wouldn't have to touch the drunk!

Duffman: Duffman says a lot of things! Oh, yeah! (Titania walks off in a huff)

Moe: (after looking at his face in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?

Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? (Lenny gasps) Is Barney that drunk? (Barney gasps) Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? (Homer gasps)

Moe: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! (He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)

Carl: (looking at the view of the camera) See, this is why I don't talk much.

Voiceover: Like the cleaning of a house, "It Never Ends".

Gay Man: We need to find a symbol for our campaign. Something that says we're gay and Republican.

[A pink baloon in the shape of an elephant flies through the window]

Gay Man: A little bit on the nose, don't you think?

Lisa: [reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?

Gay Man: We're realistic.

[edit] Bart to the Future [11.17]

Manager: [on phone] Your linen service has broken many promises to us. Laundry bill soar like eagle. [hangs up] Jerk.[walks over to Bart] So, you like to sneak into casinos?

Bart: I wasn't going to gamble. I just wanted a Bloody Mary.

Manager: Listen to me. Unless you change your deceitful ways. I foresee a life bitterness and failure for you, Bart Simpson.

Bart: How'd you know my name?

Manager: [holds up a legal document] Your father just took out a second mortgage downstairs. You're listed as collateral.

Bart: Oh. I thought that maybe you were some kind of Indian mystic who could tell the future?

Manager: Who says I'm not? If you want to see the future, throw a treasured personal item onto the fire. [Bart tosses a small object, which explodes with a bang] Not a firecracker!

Bart: Hey, I bought it from a guy on your reservation.

Manager: That's crazy talk.

Bart: No, it's true.

Manager: No, I know, that's my brother, Crazy Talk. We're all a little worried about him.

[In the future, Bart and Ralph receive a holographic "letter" from Nelson. Nelson is dressed in a dark pink jogging suit with several gold medallions hanging from his neck.]

Nelson Muntz: Hey, dingus. Your band can play at my club tonight, but I can only afford to pay you in popcorn shrimp. Smell ya later.

[The hologram disappears.]

Bart Simpson: I can't believe "Smell ya later" replaced "Goodbye."

Mailman: Smell ya later.

Bart and Ralph Wiggum: Smell ya later.

Homer Simpson: Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!

Bart Simpson: Don't you mean "present?"

Homer Simpson: Right, right. Present.

(Future-Bart is asking Homer and Marge for money)

Marge: We're not giving you money.

Bart: Aw, but I want some!

Homer: You should have thought of that before you dropped out of the DeVry Institute.

Bart Simpson: What happened to you, Homer? You used to be cool.

Homer Simpson: I'm still cool!

Bart Simpson: Nah. You've changed, man.

Homer Simpson: Well I do have this robotic prostate, but you can't see it. [Homer looks down.] Oh, you can.

(Bart's band performs at Nelson's bar)

Bart Simpson: Now, we'd like to play a Jimmy Buffett song, but he uncoolly charges people to cover him. So here's a Captain Bart original. (strums his guitar and sings off-key, to the tune of "Margaritaville"): "Wasted, once more, in Daquaritaville..."

Bar Patron: Ripoff!

Elderly Barney: Get off the stage!

[The crowd begins to throw things at the stage, but the garbage doesn't hit them. Backstage, an elderly Groundskeeper Willie creates a force field to protect Bart and the Tequila Mockingbirds. It begins to buckle.]

Willie (à la Scotty): We need more power! The shield won't hold much longer!

Ralph Wiggum: Now we got no home, no money, and our band's going nowhere, and it's all your fault! Smell ya later, Bart. Smell ya later forever.

Bart Simpson: What happened to you Lisa? You used to be cool.

Lisa Simpson: No I didn't.

[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]

Marge Simpson: So, how was everyone's day?

Lisa Simpson: Appointed a Supreme Court justice.

Bart Simpson: Bewitched marathon.

Homer Simpson: Searched for Lincoln's gold.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.

Homer Simpson: Then what is his ghost protecting?

Homer Simpson: ... fourscore four, fourscore five, fourscore six, fourscore and seven paces.

[Homer swings a pickaxe into the floor.]

Marge Simpson: Wait! How do you know this is where Lincoln buried the gold. You just started counting from an arbitrary place.

Homer Simpson: I just started what from a what?

Marge Simpson: Your plan makes no sense.

Homer Simpson: Gold bars discovered by Marge, zero. Gold bars discovered by Homer, well, let's just see.

[Homer swings axe again, and some of the floor gives way. Through the hole, we can see Lisa in the Oval Office, startled by the ceiling caving in near her.]

Homer Simpson: Whoops! Sorry, honey.

Marge Simpson: Gold bars discovered by Homer?

Homer Simpson: Shut up.

[Ralph disembarks from Marine One.]

Ralph Wiggum: I fell out two times!

Milhouse van Houten: Well, if you just want to out-and-out lie... okay, we could call it a "temporary refund adjustment."

Lisa Simpson: I love it.

Milhouse van Houten: Really? What else do you love, Lisa?

Lisa Simpson: Fiscal solvency.

Milhouse van Houten (heartbroken): Uh, me too.

Lisa Simpson: You're too much, Bart. That's why I'm appointing you Secretary of Keeping it Real.

Bart Simpson: Help me get this done, then I promise we can all look through Bill Clinton's porno stash. (Bart's friends then go over to Clinton's porn)

Homer Simpson (after discovering Lincoln really didn't bury any gold): That lyin', rail-splittin', theater-goin' freak!!

Chinese Ambassador: You pay now! Now!

Bart Simpson: What happened to you, China? You used to be cool.

Chinese Ambassador: Hey, China still cool. You pay later. Later!

Lisa Simpson: Thanks, Bart. You bought us some time. How can I repay you?

Bart Simpson: Legalize it.

Lisa (confused): Legalize what? {Bart nods) Oh, right. Consider it done.

Bart Simpson: Why did a vision about my future involve a story with Homer and Lincoln's gold?

Chief: I guess the spirits thought the main vision was a little thin.

Bart: You're not going to believe it, Lis. This cool Indian guy showed me our future.

Lisa: Really? Anything good?

Bart: I'll say! I've got my own band, and a moped.

Lisa: What about me?

Bart: Eh, some government job.

[edit] Days of Wine and D'oh'ses [11.18]

(as Homer and Bart are "celebrating" Trash Night)

Homer: I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.

Bart: Dad, that's a sports bra.

Homer: All I know is that I'm getting the support I need.

Moe: Hey, Barney, what's with the glum face? You glum or something? Eh, glummy?

(on Barney's birthday video: Barney is talking to Lisa)

Barney (slurring): All I know is that one day, there'll be a planet for the French, and a planet for the Chinese, and we'll all be a lot happier.

Lisa: Mr. Gumbel, you're scaring me.

(after watching Barney's birthday video, which depicts him as a hideous drunk)

Barney: So, I'm a tanked-up loser? Is that how you see me?

Moe: Oh, sounds like a certain loser could use some tanking up. [starts pouring Barney a glass of beer when Barney abruptly gets up] Hey, hey, where you goin'?

Barney: I'll show you! I'm going to take these helicopter lessons.

Homer: Wait a minute, Barney. You've got to be sober to fly. I mean, it's not like driving a car.

Barney: Then I'm going to quit drinking. [the guys laugh] No, I mean it! [the guys laugh harder] You won't see me here again -- ever! [they guys laugh still harder as Barney storms out the door]

Moe: [regaining his composure] Wait -- that ain't funny. He's my best customer. Well, the handwriting's on the wall. To stay afloat, this bar's going to have to go queer.

Gay Man: You mean it's not? Ugh. Wrong again, "Gay Guide to Springfield." [tosses book over shoulder]

Homer: Well, if it isn't Little Miss "I'm Not Wasting My Life Anymore" -- which he is!

Lindsay Nagle: Well, your recovery begins today and we promise to give you all the sugar cookies and second-hand smoke you can handle.

Homer: These sugar cookies you speak of, are they real or symbolic?

Lindsay: They're on that table over there.

Homer: Oh, I don't want to walk twelve steps...because anything that takes "twelve steps" isn't worth doing! Get it?! Twelve?! Steps?! [wakes up outside in a bush] Hey, how did I get here?

Barney: I can't do this, my nerves are shot! [a beer truck brakes hard to avoid hitting the helicopter. A six-pack tumbles out of the truck and lands next to the helicopter's landing skids] Beer! That's what I need! [picks up the six-pack]

Homer: Barney! No! Don't!

Barney: Yes! I need it. [opens a can and starts to drink]

Homer: No! You've got to be sober for this. Gimmie that. [grabs can and drinks] Ew, it's warm. [finishes can]

Barney: You can't drink 'em all!

Homer: Oh yes can! [The two struggle over the five remaining cans. Homer wins the tussle, opens the cans, and tries to drink from all of them at once. Most of the beer runs down his shirt, but he still manages to get quite a bit in his mouth] I won't let you give up now, when you worked so hard to [suddenly drunk] be the greatest pal in the world. I love you. Let's not lose touch after graduation. [passes out]

Barney: You brave man. You took six silver bullets for me.

Homer: [wakes up] Stay away from my wife. [takes a swing (and a miss) at Barney, then passes out again, hitting the windscreen]

Bart: You did it, Dad!

Homer: [drunk] You can't prove I did it.

Lisa: No, you saved our lives.

Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

[edit] Kill the Alligator and Run [11.19]

Doctor: You hate your father, don't you?

Homer: Sometimes. But the guy I really hate is your father.

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!

Doctor: They prefer, "The Sunshine State."

(during the alligator-killing trial)

Homer: Your Honor, I'd like to represent myself. (to the jury): Drunken hicks of the jury...

(the people in the jury box [all of them rednecks] gasp. One of them drinks from his bottle of beer)

(Bart gets paid three dollars for delivering Homer's mail)

Bart: Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.

Homer (threateningly): It'll be real soon enough!

Diner Woman: Hey! There stealing my trailer....I like that.

[edit] Last Tap Dance in Springfield [11.20]

Little Vicky: Pulla pulla pulla.

Lisa: I got your pulla pulla pulla.

Ralph: My daddy shoots people!

Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all

(Homer [whose eyes are crusted over] is in the car with the three bullies, Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney. Dolph and Jimbo are in the back seat while Kearney is driving)

Kearney (doing a flimsy impression of Marge): Now, Homie, when we get to the liquor store, buy me some Jack Daniels and a carton of smokes.

Homer: Yes, dear.

(Dolph and Jimbo suppress their laughter and high-five each other)

[edit] It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [11.21]

Sqeaky-Voiced Teen: And God said, "Gather two of every flavor, anoint them with sixty-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!

Ice Cream Store Clerk: [after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes] I can only see a horrible rainbow!

[edit] Behind the Laughter [11.22]

Marge: Nobody told us how tough it is to raise kids. They almost drove me to fortified wine.

Homer: Then we figured out we could park them in front of the T.V. That's how I was raised, and I turned out T.V.

Lisa: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones. [camera switch to Homer]

Homer: That's impossible! How would I have gotten all four necessary drops into her cereal? [pause] What?

Narrator: Next week on "Behind the Laughter."

Huckleberry Hound: I was so gay, but I couldn't tell anyone...

Woman: (based on Maureen Johnson) As a young female artist, I really love living in this East Village loft. [A knock comes at the door] Oh, that must be our new landlord, Mr. Stingley. [The door flies open to reveal Homer in a suit, top hat and monocle. He laughs maniacally.]

Homer: [in exaggerated villain singing voice] Where is the rent? I must have the rent! Dollars, dimes and nickels, I need them all right now!

Narrator: The Simpsons had begun on a wing and a prayer, but now the wing was on fire, and the prayer had been answered by Satan.

[At the phony awards show, the Simpsons are all astonished to see each other]

Willie Nelson: That's right, folks. The awards were just an elaborate sham.

[Cut to Woody Allen, sitting in the audience with an armful of trophies]

Woody Allen: What?! [Dispirited] Oh, I knew it was too good to be true!

[Dumps the trophies on the ground]

Homer Simpson: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

Narrator: The dream was over...

Narrator: Coming up, was the dream really over? Yes it was...

Narrator: Or was it?

[edit] Season 12

[edit] Treehouse of Horror XI [12.01]

Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed, open the gates!

St. Peter: [reading a newspaper] What? Oh sorry, I didn't see that.

Homer: What? I thought you guys saw everything!

St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Homer: Well I'll be damned!

St. Peter: Afraid so. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to Hell]

Dolphin: Your majesty! You're free at last!

Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!

Homer: (being pushed into the oven by Suzanne the witch after his head turns into a fish's) Mmmmmm... fish. (realizes) Oh no! THAT'S ME!!!

Lenny: Alcohol and night swimming, it's a winning combination!

Sea Captain: Yarr. It begins! The dolphins are upon us! And only this old sea dog knows how to stop them- [two dolphins jump from the water and tear him in two pieces] ARGH!

Bart: It's approaching the podium!

Mel: Surely it cannot speak!

Snorky: [high pitched voice] Snorky...talk...man...[clears throat and his voice become deep] Err sorry, let me start over. Eons ago, dolphins used to live on the land. [crowd gasps]

Moe: What did he say?

Carl: He said dolphins used to live on the land!

Moe: WHAT?!

Snorky: Then your ancestors drove us into the sea, where we have suffered for millions of years!

Marge: But you seemed so happy in the ocean, all that playful leaping-

Snorky: We were trying to get out, it' cold, it's wet, every morning I wake up phlegmy.

Lisa: Plus all the sewage we keep dumping.

Snorky: [gasp] IT WAS YOU?!

Homer: [holds up Lisa to Snorky] It was her, all right! Take the one who wronged you!

Snorky: I, King Snorky, hereby banish all humans...TO THE SEA! [crowd gasps and murmurs]

Carl: [starts applauding] YEAH! [Krusty slaps the back of his head]

Homer: [siting on a floating couch] Well you gotta hand it to those dolphins, they just wanted it more.

Lisa: I kinda wished I hadn't freed their leader and you know, doomed mankind.

Marge: Well I wouldn't say doomed, it's gonna be an adjustment, but- [Krusty's floating corpse floats by the couch] Uuuuugh! [kicks away the corpse]

[Epilogue]

Kodos: Can you believe it, Kang?! They left us out of the Halloween show!

Kang: Are you sure the space-phone is working?

[Kodos tries it]

Kang: Hang up, they could be trying to call right now!

Kodos: I knew we should have sent them a muffin basket!

[The phone rings. Kang answers.]

Kang: Kang and Kodos Productions. Uh-huh... Yes... Just a second. [to Kodos] Do we want to do a commercial for something called, "Old Navy"?

Kodos: [shrugs] Meh. Work is work.

The Simpsons

From Wikiquote

Contents

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Bart the Genius [1.02]

[edit] Homer's Odyssey [1.03]

[edit] There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]

[edit] Bart the General [1.05]

[edit] Moaning Lisa [1.06]

[edit] The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]

[edit] The Telltale Head [1.08]

[edit] Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]

[edit] Homer's Night Out [1.10]

[edit] The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

[edit] Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

[edit] Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Bart Gets an F [2.01]

[edit] Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

[edit] Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

[edit] Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

[edit] Dancin' Homer [2.05]

[edit] Dead Putting Society [2.06]

[edit] Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

[edit] Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

[edit] Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]

[edit] One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]

[edit] The Way We Was [2.12]

[edit] Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]

[edit] Principal Charming [2.14]

[edit] Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]

[edit] Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16]

[edit] Old Money [2.17]

[edit] Brush with Greatness [2.18]

[edit] Lisa's Substitute [2.19]

[edit] The War of the Simpsons [2.20]

[edit] Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21]

[edit] Blood Feud [2.22]

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Stark Raving Dad [3.01]

[edit] Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02]

[edit] When Flanders Failed [3.03]

[edit] Bart the Murderer [3.04]

[edit] Homer Defined [3.05]

[edit] Like Father, Like Clown [3.06]

[edit] Treehouse of Horror II [3.07]

[edit] Lisa's Pony [3.08]

[edit] Saturdays of Thunder [3.09]

[edit] Flaming Moe's [3.10]

[edit] Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11]

[edit] I Married Marge [3.12]

[edit] Radio Bart [3.13]

[edit] Lisa the Greek [3.14]

[edit] Homer Alone [3.15]

[edit] Bart the Lover [3.16]

[edit] Homer at the Bat [3.17]

[edit] Separate Vocations [3.18]

[edit] Dog of Death [3.19]

[edit] Colonel Homer [3.20]

[edit] Black Widower [3.21]

[edit] The Otto Show [3.22]

[edit] Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23]

[edit] Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24]

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Kamp Krusty [4.01]

[edit] A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02]

[edit] Homer the Heretic [4.03]

[edit] Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04]

[edit] Treehouse of Horror III [4.05]

[edit] Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06]

[edit] Marge Gets a Job [4.07]

[edit] New Kid on the Block [4.08]

[edit] Mr. Plow [4.09]

[edit] Lisa's First Word [4.10]

[edit] Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11]

[edit] Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12]

[edit] Selma's Choice [4.13]

[edit] Brother from the Same Planet [4.14]

[edit] I Love Lisa [4.15]

[edit] Duffless [4.16]