The Simpsons

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The Simpsons is an US television series on the Fox Network (December 17, 1989 - present) created by Matt Groening. It documents the life of the Simpson family in the town of Springfield

Contents 1 Season 1 1.1 Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.01] 1.2 Bart the Genius [1.02] 1.3 Homer's Odyssey [1.03] 1.4 There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04] 1.5 Bart the General [1.05] 1.6 Moaning Lisa [1.06] 1.7 The Call of the Simpsons [1.07] 1.8 The Telltale Head [1.08] 1.9 Life on the Fast Lane [1.09] 1.10 Homer's Night Out [1.10] 1.11 The Crepes of Wrath [1.11] 1.12 Krusty Gets Busted [1.12] 1.13 Some Enchanted Evening [1.13] 2 Season 2 2.1 Bart Gets an F [2.01] 2.2 Simpson and Delilah [2.02] 2.3 Treehouse of Horror [2.03] 2.4 Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04] 2.5 Dancin' Homer [2.05] 2.6 Dead Putting Society [2.06] 2.7 Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07] 2.8 Bart the Daredevil [2.08] 2.9 Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10] 2.10 One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11] 2.11 The Way We Was [2.12] 2.12 Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13] 2.13 Principal Charming [2.14] 2.14 Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15] 2.15 Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16] 2.16 Old Money [2.17] 2.17 Brush with Greatness [2.18] 2.18 Lisa's Substitute [2.19] 2.19 The War of the Simpsons [2.20] 2.20 Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21] 2.21 Blood Feud [2.22] 3 Season 3 3.1 Stark Raving Dad [3.01] 3.2 Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02] 3.3 When Flanders Failed [3.03] 3.4 Bart the Murderer [3.04] 3.5 Homer Defined [3.05] 3.6 Like Father, Like Clown [3.06] 3.7 Treehouse of Horror II [3.07] 3.8 Lisa's Pony [3.08] 3.9 Saturdays of Thunder [3.09] 3.10 Flaming Moe's [3.10] 3.11 Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11] 3.12 I Married Marge [3.12] 3.13 Radio Bart [3.13] 3.14 Lisa the Greek [3.14] 3.15 Homer Alone [3.15] 3.16 Bart the Lover [3.16] 3.17 Homer at the Bat [3.17] 3.18 Separate Vocations [3.18] 3.19 Dog of Death [3.19] 3.20 Colonel Homer [3.20] 3.21 Black Widower [3.21] 3.22 The Otto Show [3.22] 3.23 Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23] 3.24 Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24] 4 Season 4 4.1 Kamp Krusty [4.01] 4.2 A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02] 4.3 Homer the Heretic [4.03] 4.4 Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04] 4.5 Treehouse of Horror III [4.05] 4.6 Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06] 4.7 Marge Gets a Job [4.07] 4.8 New Kid on the Block [4.08] 4.9 Mr. Plow [4.09] 4.10 Lisa's First Word [4.10] 4.11 Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11] 4.12 Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12] 4.13 Selma's Choice [4.13] 4.14 Brother from the Same Planet [4.14] 4.15 I Love Lisa [4.15] 4.16 Duffless [4.16] 4.17 Last Exit to Springfield [4.17] 4.18 So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18] 4.19 The Front [4.19] 4.20 Whacking Day [4.20] 4.21 Marge in Chains [4.21] 4.22 Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22] 5 Season 5 5.1 Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01] 5.2 Cape Feare [5.02] 5.3 Homer Goes to College [5.03] 5.4 Rosebud [5.04] 5.5 Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05] 5.6 Marge on the Lam [5.06] 5.7 Bart's Inner Child [5.07] 5.8 Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08] 5.9 The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09] 5.10 $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10] 5.11 Homer the Vigilante [5.11] 5.12 Bart Gets Famous [5.12] 5.13 Homer and Apu [5.13] 5.14 Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14] 5.15 Deep Space Homer [5.15] 5.16 Homer Loves Flanders [5.16] 5.17 Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17] 5.18 Burns' Heir [5.18] 5.19 Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19] 5.20 The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20] 5.21 Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21] 5.22 Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22] 6 Season 6 6.1 Bart of Darkness [6.01] 6.2 Lisa's Rival [6.02] 6.3 Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03] 6.4 Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04] 6.5 Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05] 6.6 Bart's Girlfriend [6.06] 6.7 Treehouse of Horror V [6.07] 6.7.1 The Shinning 6.7.2 Time and Punishment 6.7.3 Nightmare Cafeteria 6.8 Lisa on Ice [6.08] 6.9 Homer: Bad Man [6.09] 6.10 Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10] 6.11 Fear of Flying [6.11] 6.12 Homer the Great [6.12] 6.13 And Maggie Makes Three [6.13] 6.14 Bart's Comet [6.14] 6.15 Homie the Clown [6.15] 6.16 Bart vs. Australia [6.16] 6.17 Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17] 6.18 A Star is Burns [6.18] 6.19 Lisa's Wedding [6.19] 6.20 Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20] 6.21 The PTA Disbands! [6.21] 6.22 'Round Springfield [6.22] 6.23 The Springfield Connection [6.23] 6.24 Lemon of Troy [6.24] 6.25 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25] 7 Season 7 7.1 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01] 7.2 Radioactive Man [7.02] 7.3 Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03] 7.4 Bart Sells His Soul [7.04] 7.5 Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05] 7.6 Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06] 7.6.1 Attack of the 50-Foot Eyesores 7.6.2 Nightmare on Evergreen Terrace 7.6.3 Homer³ 7.7 King-Size Homer [7.07] 7.8 Mother Simpson [7.08] 7.9 Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09] 7.10 Marge Be Not Proud [7.11] 7.11 Team Homer [7.12] 7.12 Two Bad Neighbors [7.13] 7.13 Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14] 7.14 Bart the Fink [7.15] 7.15 Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16] 7.16 Homer the Smithers [7.17] 7.17 The Day the Violence Died [7.18] 7.18 A Fish Called Selma [7.19] 7.19 Bart on the Road [7.20] 7.20 22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21] 7.21 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22] 7.22 Much Apu About Nothing [7.23] 7.23 Homerpalooza [7.24] 7.24 Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25] 8 Season 8 8.1 Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01] 8.1.1 Citizen Kang 8.2 You Only Move Twice [8.02] 8.3 The Homer They Fall [8.03] 8.4 Burns, Baby Burns [8.04] 8.5 Bart After Dark [8.05] 8.6 A Milhouse Divided [8.06] 8.7 Lisa's Date with Density [8.07] 8.8 Hurricane Neddy [8.08] 8.9 El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09] 8.10 The Springfield Files [8.10] 8.11 The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11] 8.12 Mountain of Madness [8.12] 8.13 Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13] 8.14 The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14] 8.15 Homer's Phobia [8.15] 8.16 Brother from Another Series [8.16] 8.17 My Sister, My Sitter [8.17] 8.18 Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18] 8.19 Grade School Confidential [8.19] 8.20 The Canine Mutiny [8.20] 8.21 The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21] 8.22 In Marge We Trust [8.22] 8.23 Homer's Enemy [8.23] 8.24 The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24] 8.25 The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25] 9 Season 9 9.1 The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01] 9.2 The Principal and the Pauper [9.02] 9.3 Lisa's Sax [9.03] 9.4 Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04] 9.4.1 The HΩmega Man 9.4.2 Fly Vs. Fly 9.4.3 Easy-Bake Coven 9.5 The Cartridge Family [9.05] 9.6 Bart Star [9.06] 9.7 The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07] 9.8 Lisa the Skeptic [9.08] 9.9 Realty Bites [9.09] 9.10 Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10] 9.11 All Singing, All Dancing [9.11] 9.12 Bart Carny [9.12] 9.13 The Joy of Sect [9.13] 9.14 Das Bus [9.14] 9.15 The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15] 9.16 Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16] 9.17 Lisa the Simpson [9.17] 9.18 This Little Wiggy [9.18] 9.19 Simpson Tide [9.19] 9.20 The Trouble with Trillions [9.20] 9.21 Girly Edition [9.21] 9.22 Trash of the Titans [9.22] 9.23 King of the Hill [9.23] 9.24 Lost Our Lisa [9.24] 9.25 Natural Born Kissers [9.25] 10 Season 10 10.1 Lard of the Dance [10.01] 10.2 The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace [10.02] 10.3 Bart the Mother [10.03] 10.4 Treehouse of Horror IX [10.04] 10.5 When You Dish Upon a Star [10.05] 10.6 D'oh-in in the Wind [10.06] 10.7 Lisa Gets an "A" [10.07] 10.8 Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble" [10.08] 10.9 Mayored to the Mob [10.09] 10.10 Viva Ned Flanders [10.10] 10.11 Wild Barts Can't Be Broken [10.11] 10.12 Sunday, Cruddy Sunday [10.12] 10.13 Homer to the Max [10.13] 10.14 I'm With Cupid [10.14] 10.15 Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers" [10.15] 10.16 Make Room for Lisa [10.16] 10.17 Maximum Homerdrive [10.17] 10.18 Simpsons Bible Stories [10.18] 10.19 Mom and Pop Art [10.19] 10.20 The Old Man and The "C" Student [10.20] 10.21 Monty Can't Buy Me Love [10.21] 10.22 They Saved Lisa's Brain [10.22] 10.23 Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo [10.23] 11 Season 11 11.1 Beyond Blunderdome [11.01] 11.2 Brother's Little Helper [11.02] 11.3 Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [11.03] 11.4 Treehouse of Horror X [11.04] 11.5 E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [11.05] 11.6 Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [11.06] 11.7 Eight Misbehavin' [11.07] 11.8 Take My Wife, Sleaze [11.08] 11.9 Grift of the Magi [11.09] 11.10 Little Big Mom [11.10] 11.11 Faith Off [11.11] 11.12 The Mansion Family [11.12] 11.13 Saddlesore Galactica [11.13] 11.14 Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [11.14] 11.15 Missionary: Impossible [11.15] 11.16 Pygmoelian [11.16] 11.17 Bart to the Future [11.17] 11.18 Days of Wine and D'oh'ses [11.18] 11.19 Kill the Alligator and Run [11.19] 11.20 Last Tap Dance in Springfield [11.20] 11.21 It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [11.21] 11.22 Behind the Laughter [11.22] 12 Season 12 12.1 Treehouse of Horror XI [12.01] 12.2 A Tale of Two Springfields [12.02] 12.3 Insane Clown Poppy [12.03] 12.4 Lisa the Tree Hugger [12.04] 12.5 Homer vs. Dignity [12.05] 12.6 The Computer Wore Menace Shoes [12.06] 12.7 The Great Money Caper [12.07] 12.8 Skinner's Sense of Snow [12.08] 12.9 HOMЯ [12.09] 12.10 Pokey Mom [12.10] 12.11 Worst Episode Ever [12.11] 12.12 Tennis the Menace [12.12] 12.13 Day of the Jackanapes [12.13] 12.14 New Kids on the Blecch [12.14] 12.15 Hungry, Hungry Homer [12.15] 12.16 Bye Bye Nerdie [12.16] 12.17 Simpson Safari [12.17] 12.18 Trilogy of Error [12.18] 12.19 I'm Goin' to Praiseland [12.19] 12.20 Children of a Lesser Clod [12.20] 12.21 Simpsons Tall Tales [12.21] 13 Season 13 13.1 Treehouse of Horror XII [13.1] 13.2 The Parent Rap [13.2] 13.3 Homer the Moe [13.3] 13.4 A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love [13.4] 13.5 The Blunder Years [13.5] 13.6 She of Little Faith [13.6] 13.7 Brawl in the Family [13.7] 13.8 Sweets and Sour Marge [13.8] 13.9 Jaws Wired Shut [13.09] 13.10 Half-Decent Proposal [13.10] 13.11 The Bart Wants What It Wants [13.11] 13.12 The Lastest Gun in the West [13.12] 13.13 The Old Man and the Key [13.13] 13.14 Tales from the Public Domain [13.14] 13.15 Blame it on Lisa [13.15] 13.16 Weekend at Burnsie's [13.16] 13.17 Gump Roast [13.17] 13.18 I am Furious Yellow [13.18] 13.19 The Sweetest Apu [13.19] 13.20 Little Girl in the Big Ten [13.20] 13.21 The Frying Game [13.21] 13.22 Papa's Got a Brand New Badge [13.22] 14 Season 14 14.1 Treehouse of Horror XIII [14.01] 14.2 How I Spent My Strummer Vacation [14.02] 14.3 Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade [14.03] 14.4 Large Marge [14.04] 14.5 Helter Shelter [14.05] 14.6 The Great Louse Detective [14.06] 14.7 Special Edna [14.07] 14.8 The Dad Who Knew Too Little [14.08] 14.9 Strong Arms of The Ma [14.09] 14.10 Pray Anything [14.10] 14.11 Barting Over [14.11] 14.12 I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can [14.12] 14.13 A Star is Born-Again [14.13] 14.14 Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington [14.14] 14.15 C.E. D'oh [14.15] 14.16 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky [14.16] 14.17 Three Gays of the Condo [14.17] 14.18 Dude, Where's My Ranch? [14.18] 14.19 Old Yeller Belly [14.19] 14.20 Brake My Wife, Please [14.20] 14.21 Bart of War [14.21] 14.22 Moe Baby Blues [14.22] 15 Season 15 15.1 Treehouse of Horror XIV [15.1] 15.2 My Mother the Carjacker [15.2] 15.3 The President Wore Pearls [15.3] 15.4 The Regina Monologues [15.4] 15.5 The Fat and the Furriest [15.05] 15.6 Today I am A Clown [15.06] 15.7 'Tis the Fifteenth Season [15.07] 15.8 Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays [15.08] 15.9 I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot [15.09] 15.10 Diatribe of a Mad Housewife [15.10] 15.11 Margical History Tour [15.11] 15.12 Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore [15.12] 15.13 Smart and Smarter [15.13] 15.14 The Ziff Who Came to Dinner [15.14] 15.15 Co-Dependent's Day [15.15] 15.16 The Wandering Juvie [15.16] 15.17 My Big Fat Geek Wedding [15.17] 15.18 Catch 'em If You Can [15.18] 15.19 Simple Simpson [15.19] 15.20 The Way We Weren't [15.20] 15.21 Bart-Mangled Banner [15.21] 15.22 Fraudcast News [15.22] 16 Season 16 16.1 Treehouse of Horror XV [16.01] 16.2 All's Fair in Oven War [16.02] 16.3 Sleeping With the Enemy [16.03] 16.4 She Used to Be My Girl [16.04] 16.5 Fat Man and Little Boy [16.05] 16.6 Midnight Rx [16.06] 16.7 Mommie Beerest [16.07] 16.8 Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass [16.08] 16.9 Pranksta Rap [16.09] 16.10 There's Something About Marrying [16.10] 16.11 On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister [16.11] 16.12 Goo Goo Gai Pan [16.12] 16.13 Mobile Homer [16.13] 16.14 The Seven-Beer Snitch [16.14] 16.15 Future-Drama [16.15] 16.16 Don't Fear the Roofer [16.16] 16.17 The Heartbroke Kid [16.17] 16.18 A Star is Torn [16.18] 16.19 Thank God It's Doomsday [16.19] 16.20 Home Away From Homer [16.20] 16.21 The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star [16.21] 17 Season 17 17.1 Bonfire of the Manatees [17.01] 17.2 The Girl Who Slept Too Little [17.02] 17.3 Milhouse of Sand and Fog [17.03] 17.4 Treehouse of Horror XVI [17.04] 17.4.1 Prologue 17.4.2 Bartifical Intelligence 17.4.3 Survival of the Fattest 17.4.4 I've Grown a Costume On Your Face 17.5 Marge's Son Poisoning [17.05] 17.6 The Italian Bob [17.08] 17.7 Simpsons Christmas Stories [17.09] 17.7.1 The First (Annoyed Grunt)-El 17.7.2 I saw Grampa Cussing Santa Claus 17.7.3 The Nutcracker...Sweet 17.8 Homer's Paternity Coot [17.10] 17.9 We're on the Road to D'ohwhere [17.11] 17.10 My Fair Laddy [17.12] 17.11 The Seemingly Never-Ending Story [17.13] 17.12 Bart Has Two Mommies [17.14] 17.13 Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife [17.15] 17.14 Million Dollar Abie [17.16] 17.15 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore [17.17] 17.16 The Wettest Stories Ever Told [17.18] 17.16.1 The Mayflower 17.16.2 Mutiny on the Barty 17.16.3 The Neptune Adventure 17.17 Girls Just Want To Have Sums [17.19] 17.18 Regarding Margie [17.20] 17.19 The Monkey Suit [17.21] 17.20 Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play [17.22] 18 Season 18 18.1 The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer [18.01] 18.2 Jazzy and the Pussycats [18.02] 18.3 Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em... [18.03] 18.4 Treehouse of Horror XVII [18.04] 18.5 G.I. (Annoyed Grunt) [18.05] 18.6 Moe'N'a Lisa [18.06] 18.7 Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair) [18.07] 18.8 The Haw-Hawed Couple [18.08] 18.9 Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2 [18.09] 18.10 The Wife Aquatic [18.10] 18.11 Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times [18.11] 18.12 Little Big Girl [18.12] 18.13 Springfield Up [18.13] 18.14 Yokel Chords [18.14] 18.15 Rome-old and Juli-eh [18.15] 18.16 Homerazzi [18.16] 18.17 Marge Gamer [18.17] 18.18 The Boys of Bummer [18.18] 18.19 Crook and Ladder [18.19] 18.20 Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot! [18.20] 18.21 24 Minutes [18.21] 18.22 You Kent Always Say What You Want [18.22] 19 Season 19 19.1 He Loves to Fly and He D'Oh's [19.1] 19.2 The Homer of Seville [19.2] 19.3 Midnight Towboy [19.3] 19.4 I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings [19.4] 19.5 Treehouse of Horror XVIII [19.5] 19.6 Little Orphan Millie [19.6] 19.7 Husbands and Knives [19.7] 19.8 Funeral for a Fiend [19.8] 19.9 Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind [19.9] 19.10 E. Pluribus Wiggum [19.10] 19.11 That 90's Show [19.11] 19.12 Love, Springfieldian Style [19.12] 19.13 The Debarted [19.13] 19.14 Dial 'N' for Nerder [19.14] 19.15 Smoke on the Daughter [19.15] 19.16 Papa Don't Leech [19.16] 19.17 Apocalypse Cow [19.17] 20 Quotes from unknown episodes 21 External links

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.01]

Homer: How many grades does this school have?

---

[Bart is singing in the school choir, so Marge cannot hear him individually]

Marge: Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel.

Bart: [close up, singing] Oh, Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke its wheel, and the Joker got awa(As he is pulled out off the stage)-ahh!

---

Bart: Aw, come on Dad, this could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us.

Homer: Oh, all right. Who's Tiny Tim?

---

[Marge shows Homer that the Christmas money jar is empty because of Bart]

Homer: [gasps and screams] Oh! It's true! The jar is empty! Oh my God! We're ruined. Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone!

---

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

Homer: Yeah, if you want one you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

---

Marge: Alright, children. Let me have those letters and I'll send them to Santa's workshop in the North Pole.

Bart: Oh please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

---

Marge: [writing] Dear Friends of the Simpson Family, We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's and Bart... well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all. Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays, The Simpsons.

---

Tattoo Removal Technician: [turning on laser] Now whatever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or groin.

---

Bart: Hey Santa, what's shakin' man?

Homer (as Santa): What's your name, Bart-ner... er... little partner?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

Homer: [annoyed] I'm Jolly ol' Saint Nick.

Bart: Oh yeah? We'll see about that! [Pulls off his fake beard, just as their photo is taken]

Homer: D'oh!

---

Bart: Dad, you must really love us to sink so low.

---

Homer: Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!

Clerk: That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.

---

Homer: [buying a chewtoy for Maggie] It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

---

Homer: Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon.

---

Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer.

Homer: It is?

Marge: Yes, something to share our love - and frighten prowlers.

Bart: And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.

---

Homer (as Santa): [as he is walking out of his 'workshop'] Hey little kids! Santa's back! Ho! Ho! [hits his head on the doorway] D'oh! Dammit to---

---

[Homer falls off the roof whilst trying to hang Christmas lights]

Homer: Alright kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge! Turn on the juice!

[Marge turns on the Christmas lights, and the results are less than spectacular. One bulb even blows out]

Homer: Well, what do you think kids? Beauty, isn't it?

Lisa: Nice try, Dad.

Bart: Ugh...

---

[The whole family sings at the end, with Grampa playing the music by piano]

Family: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it,

You would even say it glows.

Bart: Like a lightbulb!

Homer: Bart!!!

Family: All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names.

Lisa: Like Schnozzola!

Homer: Lisa!!!

Family: They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any reindeer games.

Bart: Like strip poker!

Homer: I'm warning you two...!!

Family: Then, one foggy Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say...

Marge: Take it, Homer!

Homer: Err... "Rudolph, get your nose over here,

So you can guide my sleigh... today."

Abe: Oh, Homer...

Family: Then all the reindeer loved him,

And they shouted out with glee:

Bart: Like Sale of--

Homer: BART!!!

Family: "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,

You'll go down in history!"

Bart: Like Attila the Hu- [gets strangled by Homer]

Homer: Why, you little--!!!

[edit] Bart the Genius [1.02]

[The family play Scrabble]

Bart: My turn. "Kwyjibo". [places his tiles] K-W-Y-J-I-B-O. Twenty-two points, plus triple-word-score, plus fifty points for using all my letters. Game's over, I'm outta here--

Homer: [grabs Bart with his left hand, holding a banana in his right] Wait a minute, you little cheater! You're not going anywhere until you tell me what a kwyjibo is.

Bart: [observing Homer] Uh, "Kwyjibo"... a big, dumb, balding North American ape. With no chin.

Marge: [playing along] And a short temper.

Homer: I'll show you a big, dumb, balding ape...!!!

Bart: [as Homer chases him away] Uh-oh. Kwyjibo on the loose!

---

Mrs Krabappel: Now I don't want you to worry, class. These tests will have no effect on your grades. They merely determine your future social status and financial success...[to Bart] if any.

---

Principal Skinner: Hmm. Whoever did this is in very deep trouble!

Martin: And a sloppy speller, too. The preferred spelling of wiener is W-I-E-N-E-R, although E-I is an acceptable ethnic variant.

Principal Skinner: Good point.

---

Homer: Doc, this is all too much. I mean, my son, a genius - how does it happen?

Dr. Pryor: Well, genius-level intelligence is usually the result of hereditary and environment... [sees Homer staring blankly] although in some cases it's a total mystery.

---

Marge: Bart, this is a big day for you - why don't you eat something a little more nutritious?

Homer: Nonsense, Marge! Frosted Krusty Flakes are what got him where he is today. It could be one of these chemicals here that makes him so smart. Lisa, maybe you should try some of this.

Marge: Homer!

Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare in case Bart's brain blows out.

---

Homer: Jeez. No beer, no opera dogs...

---

Bart:It ain't over until the fat lady sings.

Homer:Is that one fat enough for you, son?

---

Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.

---

Martin: I hope you won't bear some sort of simple-minded grudge against me. I was merely trying to fend off the desecration of the school building.

Bart: Eat my shorts.

Martin: Pardon?

---

Homer: Go on boy, and pay attention, because if you do, one day you may achieve something that we Simpsons have dreamed about for generations - you may outsmart someone.

---

Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.

Marge: Oh, well...

[edit] Homer's Odyssey [1.03]

Mrs. Krabappel: [blows whistle] Now class remember, I don't want this field trip to be a repeat of our infamous visit to the Springfield State Prison. So I want all to be on your best behavior, especially you Bart Simpson.

Bart: Mrs. Krabappel, I didn't unlock that door.

---

(at Moe's Tavern)

Homer: I'm just a technical supervisor who cared too much.

[phone rings]

Moe: Moe's Tavern.

Bart: [on phone] Is Mr. Freely there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Freely, first initials I.P.

Moe: OK, I'll check. Uh, is I.P. Freely here? Hey everbody, I.P. Freely!

[patrons laugh]

Moe: Wait a minute. Listen to me you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead, I swear I'm going to slice your heart in half!

[Bart and Lisa laugh]

Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.

Moe: Oh I don't know, he's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.

---

Moe: I don't think you're ever going to get another job and be able to pay me back.

---

Bart: All he does is lie there like an unemployed whale.

Lisa: I don't know what else to do.

[Maggie pokes him in the eye]

Bart: There's only one thing we can do. Take advantage of the guy. [Holds up a report card] I need you to sign this, Homer. [Bart picks up Homer's hand and writes his signature on the card.]

---

Homer: Damn it! I'm no supervising technician. I'm a technical supervisor. It's too late to teach this old dog new tricks.

---

Smilin' Joe Fission: I'll just put it where nobody'll find it for a million years.

---

Marge: There, there, Homer. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

---

Homer: You can't depend on me all your lives. You have to learn that there's a little Homer Simpson in all of us.

---

Homer: Unlike most of you, I am not a nut.

---

Homer: Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I've worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again.

---

TV Announcer #1: Loaftime, the cable network for the unemployed, will be right back with more tips on how to win the lottery right after this.

TV Announcer #2: Unemployed? Out of work? Sober? You sat around the house all day, but now it's Duff time. Duff, the beer that makes the days fly by.

Duff TV Jingle: You can't get enough of the wonderful Duff. Duff Beer!

Homer: Beer! Now there's a temporary solution.

---

Sherri: Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent.

Bart: What does 'incompetent' mean?

Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.

Bart: Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

---

Chief Wiggum: Well, it's no secret. Our city is under siege by a graffiti vandal known as, "El Barto". Police artist have a composite sketch to go over and if anyone has any information, please contact us immediately.

[A sketch of an older, stubbly, mean-looking version of Bart is passed around]

Bart: Cool, man.

[edit] There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]

Marge: I don't want to alarm anyone, but I think there's a li'l al-key-hol in this punch.

---

Mr. Burns: [Seeing a son kiss his father on the cheek] Awww... That's the kind of family unity I like to see. Smithers, get that man's name. I predict big things for him down at the power plant.

Homer: Quick, Bart, give me a kiss.

Bart: Kiss you? But, Dad, I'm your kid!

Homer: Bart, please. Five bucks for a kiss.

---

Homer: I'm sorry, Marge, but sometimes I think we're the worst family in town.

Marge: Well maybe we should move to a larger community.

---

Homer: When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!

---

[The Simpsons peer through a dining room window, watching another family happily eating dinner together.]

Homer: Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling.

Bart: No belching.

Lisa: That dad has a shirt on!

Marge: Look, napkins!

Bart: These people are obviously freaks.

---

[Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers stand in front of the Simpsons family.]

Mr. Burns: And this must be... er... Brat.

Bart: Bart.

Homer: Don't correct the man, Brat.

[edit] Bart the General [1.05]

Weasel #1: Nelson, y-you're bleeding.

Nelson: Naw, happens all the time, somebody else's blood splatters on me. [realizes his nose is bleeding] Hey, wait a minute... you're right! [to Bart] You made me bleed my own blood.

---

[The school bell rings.]

Principal Skinner: Uh oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now.

Nelson: [to Bart] I'll get you after school, man.

Bart: But...

Principal Skinner: Oh, no, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up, it's time for class.

Bart: But...

Principal Skinner: Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot!

---

Bart: Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up; you may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes and...

Nelson: I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15.

Weasel #1: And you better be prompt!

Weasel #2: He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon.

---

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!

Bart: I guess I could do that.

Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!

Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?

Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.

---

Grampa: [writing] Dear Advertisers,

I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all-vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again:

1. "Bra"
2. "Horny"
3. "Family Jewels"

---

Herman: The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it.

---

Herman: First you'll need a declaration of war. I've got one here, just have to change the name from "Otto von Bismarck" to "Bart Simpson"

---

Herman: Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have?

Bart: None.

Herman: You'll need more.

---

[Bart and other neighborhood children march towards Nelson, singing]

Bart: I got a B in arithmetic!

Children: I got a B in arithmetic

Bart: Would-a got an A, but I was sick!

Children: Would-a got an A, but I was sick

Bart: We are rubber, you are glue,

Children: We are rubber, you are glue,

Bart: It bounces off us and sticks to you.

Children: It bounces off us and sticks to you.

Bart: In English class I did the best!

Children: In English class I did the best

Bart: Because I cheated on the test!

Children: Because I cheated on the test

Bart: We are happy, we are merry

Children: We are happy, we are merry

Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary

Children: We got a rhyming dictionary

Bart: Sound off!

Children: One, two

Bart: I can't hear you!

Children: Three, four!

---

Grampa: Bart, you can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock. But for some reason, you can't slap them. Now apologize to that boy immediately.

---

(Grampa knocks on the door. Herman opens the door a crack.)

Herman: Whats the password?

Grampa: Let me in, you idiot!

Herman: Right you are. (lets Bart and Grampa Simpson in.)

---

Herman: When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons?

Bart: Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side?

Herman: Well, I'd rather they say "Death from Above," but I guess we're stuck.

---

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

---

Bart: [to viewers] Ladies and gentleman, contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners; only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures.

[edit] Moaning Lisa [1.06]

Bart: I didn't do it. No one saw me do it. No one can prove anything.

---

Mr. Largo: Lisa, there's no room for crazy bebop in "My Country 'tis Of Thee!"

Lisa: But, Mr. Largo, that's what "My Country" is all about.

Mr. Largo: What?

Lisa: I'm wailing out for the homeless family living out of its car. The Iowa farmer, whose land has been taken away by unfeeling bureaucrats. The West Virginia coal miner, coughing up his...

Mr. Largo: Well, that's all fine and good, but Lisa, none of these unpleasant people are going to be at the recital next week.

---

Marge: It doesn't matter how you feel inside, you know. It's what shows up on the surface that counts. Take all your bad feelings and push them down, all the way down, past your knees, until you're almost walking on them. And then you'll fit in, and you'll be invited to parties, and boys will like you... and happiness will follow.

---

Bart: In the red trunks, with the record of 48 wins and no losses, the undisputed champ of this house, battling Bart Simpson! Whoopee! Woo-woo-woo! And, in the lavender trunks, with a record of zero wins and 48 defeats, oh, correction: humiliating defeats - all of them by knockout...

Homer: Must you do this every time?

Bart: Homer "The Human Punching Bag" Simpson.

---

Bart: Is Jock there?

Moe: Who?

Bart: Jock, last name Strap.

Moe: Hold on. [calling out] Jock Strap! Hey, guys, I'm looking for a Jock Strap!

---

Bleeding Gums Murphy: My friends call me "Bleeding Gums."

Lisa: Eugh! How'd you get a name like that?

Bleeding Gums Murphy: Well, let me put it this way. You ever been to the dentist?

Lisa: Yeah.

Bleeding Gums Murphy: Not me. I suppose I should go to one, but I got enough pain in my life as it is.

---

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about making yourself feeling better, it's about making other people feel worse.

---

Bleeding Gums Murphy: You know you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

---

Marge: Lisa, get away from that jazzman! [to Bleeding Gums] Nothing personal. I just fear the unfamiliar.

---

[Lisa is singing a blues song she wrote]

I got a bratty brother

He bugs me every day

And this morning my own mother

She gave my last cupcake away

My dad acts like he belongs

He belongs in the zoo

I'm the saddest kid in grade number two

---

Bart: Sorry Dad, women and children first [slams door]

Homer: What?! [keeps pounding door as Bart laughs]

[edit] The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]

Rod: Hey Bart, hot enough for ya?

---

Bob, RV Salesman: [awed, while introducing the Ultimate Behemoth] Man built this... it's a vehicle.

---

Homer: Is that a good siren? Am I approved?

Bob, RV Salesman: You ever known a siren to be good? No, Mr. Simpson, it's not. It's a bad siren. That's the computer in case I went blind telling me, "Sell the vehicle to this fella and you're out of business!" That's what the siren says. It seems the Ultimate Behemoth is a wee bit out of your price range, and "wee bit" is me being polite. You couldn't afford this thing if you lived to be a million.

---

[During the journey in the RV, Bart and Lisa are playing "What's That Odor?"]

Bart: [smells something horrible] Dad's feet?

Homer: Bart!!!

Lisa: You win, Bart.

Homer: Lisa!!!

Bart: Are we there yet, Dad?!

Homer: I'll tell when we get there. Go back to your smell game!

---

Homer: What am I gonna do? I've murdered us all!!! [echoes] Shut up!!! [echoes] D'oh!!! [echoes]

---

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

---

Homer: ... And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don't like it. Besides, there's nothing to be afraid of...

Bart: [uneasy] Right.

[Maggie sucks her pacifier behind them]

Homer: Aah! A rattler!

Bart: I'm not afraid, I'm not afraid--

Homer: Run, you fool!!!

[They both run away screaming]

---

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]

Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.

Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

---

News Anchorman: Bigfoot, legendary half-man, half-ape, is no longer a legend. He's very, very real... now, the naturalist who took these absolutely extraordinary pictures was most impressed by the creature's uncivilized look, its foul language, and most of all, its indescribable stench. A popular supermarket tabloid has offered a reward of $5,000 to anyone who brings in the creature alive. Naturally, we'll have more on this story as soon as it develops. We now return you to the President's address, already in progress.

---

[Homer is shot by tranquilizer darts.]

Homer: Avenge me, son. Avenge... my... death. [starts snoring]

---

[Scientists hold a televised press conference regarding the tests performed on Homer.]

Marvin Monroe: Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished colleagues, after extensive biological and anatomical testing, I regret to announce that the evidence we have is inconclusive. This thing may or may not be human.

Scientist #1: That's what he thinks. I say it's none other than Bigfoot in the flesh.

Scientist #2: Oh no, I disagree. I think it is a man. The eyes have a glimmer of human intelligence.

Scientist #3: "Glimmer in the eyes..." What about the sloping ape-like forehead?

[Homer and Marge watch the conference in bed.]

Homer: Oh, the guys at work are going to have a field day with this.

[edit] The Telltale Head [1.08]

Bart: Uh, ma'am, what if you're a really good person but you're in a really, really, really bad fight and your leg gets gangrene and it has to be amputated. Will it be waiting for you in heaven?

Sunday School Teacher: For the last time, Bart, yes!

---

Homer: [on Heaven] I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller skate and smoke cigars.

---

Bart: [about Jebediah Springfield] But that guy founded Springfield. He built our first hospital out of logs and mud. If it weren't for him all the settlers would have died in the great blizzard of '48.

---

[Homer sits at the kitchen table reading the "Bowl Earth Catalog."]

Homer: Ohh, look at this one! "The Hammer of Thor!" (reading) "It will send your pins to... Valhalla?" Lisa?

Lisa: Valhalla is where Vikings go when they die.

Homer: Ooh, that's some ball.

---

Bart: Well, I was wondering... how important is it to be popular?

Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?

Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

Bart: No

Homer: Are you?!

Bart: No!

Homer: Then run along, you little scamp. Like I always say, a boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

[edit] Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]

[Lisa starts the electric mixer]

Bart: Dibs! First dibs! I get to lick the beaters! [He sticks his tongue in the beaters] Agh! Agh! Litha, my tongue ith thtuck in thuh beaterth! My tongue!

---

[harmonica, waiters singing scales]

Waiters: How we danced on the night we were wed... Having my baby... Nearer my God to thee. Nearer to thee...

[later]

Waiters: Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy 34th birthday, Mrs. Homer Simpson. Happy birthday to you!!!!...

---

Jacques: Four onion rings!!!

---

Jacques: My head cries, "Stop," but my heart and hips cry, "Proceed!"

---

Jacques: [on brunch] It's not quite breakfast, it's not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end.

---

[Homer carries Marge out of the Power Plant]

Plant Worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?

Homer: Tell him that I'm going to the back-seat of my car, with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Homer's co-workers cheer]

[edit] Homer's Night Out [1.10]

[Homer weighs himself]

Homer: 239lbs?! Oh, I'm a blimp. Why are all the good things so tasty?

---

[Homer weighs himself again after six months]

Homer: OH NO!!! 239lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!

[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]

Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.

Homer: Good idea, Marge.

---

Bart: [to Mailwoman] Lady, where's my spy camera?

Mailwoman: "Where's my spy camera?" Everyday for the last six months.

Bart & Mailwoman: Where's my spy camera? Where's my spy camera?! Where's my spy camera?!?

Mailwoman: Here's your stupid spy camera!

Bart: Oh. Thanks, ma'am.

---

[After recieving his new spy camera, Bart finds Homer doing touching-toes exercises in his underwear, and takes his picture]

Homer: BART!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

Bart: Sorry, Dad. The answer to that is top secret.

Homer: DRRR, YOU LITTLE--!!

[Bart quickly leaves]

---

Apu: Sir, you look familiar. Are you on the television or something?

Homer: Sorry, buddy. You've got me confused with Fred Flinstone.

---

Bart: Hey, my photo.

Marge & Homer: YOUR PHOTO?!

Bart: Uh-oh...

Homer: Why, you little--!!

Marge: [to Homer] Why, you big--!!

Marge: Bart, go to your room!

Bart: I'm out of here.

---

Mr. Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!

Homer: What do you mean, sir?

Mr. Burns: I mean this! [holds up picture of Homer dancing with Princess Kasmir.]

Homer: [Gasps with terror]

Mr. Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. [suddenly wrinkles up the picture into a ball] I WILL NOT HAVE YOU OFFENDING MY CUSTOMERS WITH YOUR BAWDY SHENANIGANS!!

Homer: [in desperation] IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN, SIR, I PROMISE!! [slight pause] Can I get outta your sight now?

Mr. Burns: Wait a minute, Simpson! Smithers, could you please leave the room?

Smithers: Yes, sir. [does so]

Mr. Burns: [sadly] Simpson, I am, by most measures, a successful man. I have wealth and power beyond the dreams of you and your clock-punching ilk. And yet, I've led a solitary life. The fair sex remains a mystery to me. You seem to have a way with women. A certain, how should I put it?... "Animal magnétisme". [begging] Help me, Simpson. Tell me your secret.

Homer: Uh, Mr. Burns, in spite of what everybody thinks, I'm no loverboy.

Mr. Burns: [pleasantly] Simpson, I'm asking you nicely.

Homer: I don't really know, sir--

Mr. Burns: [angrily] SIMPSON!!!

Homer: [scared] Well, oh, wine 'em! Dine 'em. Bring them flowers. Write them love poetry... sir.

Burns: Of course! It's simplicity itself! I won't forget this, Simpson. [angrily] NOW RETURN TO YOUR WORK! And tell no one of what transpired here.

---

[While Homer and Bart search for Princess Kashmir in several bachelor parties]

Homer: BART!!! I SAID LOOK AT THE FLOOR!!!

[edit] The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

César [in French]: [to donkey] Ah, Maurice, once the American boy arrives, your days of back-breaking labor will be over.

---

Ugolin: [to César] César, regardes! Nous sommes riches! (César, look! We are rich!)

---

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

---

Marge: I'll just clean the dishes...

Adil: No, Mrs. Simpson, you have been oppressed enough today. I will clear the dishes.

---

American spy: So, Sparrow, we meet again.

Adil: Yes. Sometimes I feel I am getting too old for this game.

[edit] Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

[The opening of Krusty's show.]

Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?

Kids: Krusty!

Krusty: How much do you love me?

Kids: With all our hearts!

Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?

Bart and Lisa: (watching at home) We'd kill ourselves!

---

Apu: What's the matter, sir? Never have I seen you look so unhappy while purchasing such a large quantity of ice cream.

Homer: The reason I look unhappy is that tonight I have to see a slide show starring my wife's sisters. Or as I call 'em, the Gruesome Twosome.

---

"Krusty": Hand over all your money in a paper bag.

Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

["Krusty" takes the money and leaves the store.]

Apu: (To Homer) You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

---

Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library! If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!

---

Chief Wiggum: Krusty the Klown, you're under arrest for armed robbery. You have the right to remain silent. Anything y