The Simpsons

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For other uses, see The Simpsons (disambiguation).

The Simpsons is a popular US animated television series on the Fox Network (December 17, 1989 - present) created by Matt Groening. It documents the life of the Simpson family in the town of Springfield.

Contents 1 Season 1 1.1 Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.01] 1.2 Bart the Genius [1.02] 1.3 Homer's Odyssey [1.03] 1.4 There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04] 1.5 Bart the General [1.05] 1.6 Moaning Lisa [1.06] 1.7 The Call of the Simpsons [1.07] 1.8 The Telltale Head [1.08] 1.9 Life on the Fast Lane [1.09] 1.10 Homer's Night Out [1.10] 1.11 The Crepes of Wrath [1.11] 1.12 Krusty Gets Busted [1.12] 1.13 Some Enchanted Evening [1.13] 2 Season 2 2.1 Bart Gets an F [2.01] 2.2 Simpson and Delilah [2.02] 2.3 Treehouse of Horror [2.03] 2.4 Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04] 2.5 Dancin' Homer [2.05] 2.6 Dead Putting Society [2.06] 2.7 Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07] 2.8 Bart the Daredevil [2.08] 2.9 Itchy & Scratchy & Marge [2.09] 2.10 Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10] 2.11 One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11] 2.12 The Way We Was [2.12] 2.13 Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13] 2.14 Principal Charming [2.14] 2.15 Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15] 2.16 Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16] 2.17 Old Money [2.17] 2.18 Brush with Greatness [2.18] 2.19 Lisa's Substitute [2.19] 2.20 The War of the Simpsons [2.20] 2.21 Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21] 2.22 Blood Feud [2.22] 3 Season 3 3.1 Stark Raving Dad [3.01] 3.2 Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02] 3.3 When Flanders Failed [3.03] 3.4 Bart the Murderer [3.04] 3.5 Homer Defined [3.05] 3.6 Like Father, Like Clown [3.06] 3.7 Treehouse of Horror II [3.07] 3.8 Lisa's Pony [3.08] 3.9 Saturdays of Thunder [3.09] 3.10 Flaming Moe's [3.10] 3.11 Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11] 3.12 I Married Marge [3.12] 3.13 Radio Bart [3.13] 3.14 Lisa the Greek [3.14] 3.15 Homer Alone [3.15] 3.16 Bart the Lover [3.16] 3.17 Homer at the Bat [3.17] 3.18 Separate Vocations [3.18] 3.19 Dog of Death [3.19] 3.20 Colonel Homer [3.20] 3.21 Black Widower [3.21] 3.22 The Otto Show [3.22] 3.23 Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23] 3.24 Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24] 4 Season 4 4.1 Kamp Krusty [4.01] 4.2 A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02] 4.3 Homer the Heretic [4.03] 4.4 Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04] 4.5 Treehouse of Horror III [4.05] 4.6 Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06] 4.7 Marge Gets a Job [4.07] 4.8 New Kid on the Block [4.08] 4.9 Mr. Plow [4.09] 4.10 Lisa's First Word [4.10] 4.11 Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11] 4.12 Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12] 4.13 Selma's Choice [4.13] 4.14 Brother from the Same Planet [4.14] 4.15 I Love Lisa [4.15] 4.16 Duffless [4.16] 4.17 Last Exit to Springfield [4.17] 4.18 So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18] 4.19 The Front [4.19] 4.20 Whacking Day [4.20] 4.21 Marge in Chains [4.21] 4.22 Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22] 5 Season 5 5.1 Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01] 5.2 Cape Feare [5.02] 5.3 Homer Goes to College [5.03] 5.4 Rosebud [5.04] 5.5 Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05] 5.6 Marge on the Lam [5.06] 5.7 Bart's Inner Child [5.07] 5.8 Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08] 5.9 The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09] 5.10 $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10] 5.11 Homer the Vigilante [5.11] 5.12 Bart Gets Famous [5.12] 5.13 Homer and Apu [5.13] 5.14 Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14] 5.15 Deep Space Homer [5.15] 5.16 Homer Loves Flanders [5.16] 5.17 Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17] 5.18 Burns' Heir [5.18] 5.19 Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19] 5.20 The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20] 5.21 Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21] 5.22 Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22] 6 Season 6 6.1 Bart of Darkness [6.01] 6.2 Lisa's Rival [6.02] 6.3 Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03] 6.4 Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04] 6.5 Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05] 6.6 Bart's Girlfriend [6.06] 6.7 Treehouse of Horror V [6.07] 6.8 Lisa on Ice [6.08] 6.9 Homer: Bad Man [6.09] 6.10 Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10] 6.11 Fear of Flying [6.11] 6.12 Homer the Great [6.12] 6.13 And Maggie Makes Three [6.13] 6.14 Bart's Comet [6.14] 6.15 Homie the Clown [6.15] 6.16 Bart vs. Australia [6.16] 6.17 Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17] 6.18 A Star is Burns [6.18] 6.19 Lisa's Wedding [6.19] 6.20 Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20] 6.21 The PTA Disbands! [6.21] 6.22 'Round Springfield [6.22] 6.23 The Springfield Connection [6.23] 6.24 Lemon of Troy [6.24] 6.25 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25] 7 Season 7 7.1 Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01] 7.2 Radioactive Man [7.02] 7.3 Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03] 7.4 Bart Sells His Soul [7.04] 7.5 Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05] 7.6 Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06] 7.7 King-Size Homer [7.07] 7.8 Mother Simpson [7.08] 7.9 Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09] 7.10 The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular [7.10] 7.11 Marge Be Not Proud [7.11] 7.12 Team Homer [7.12] 7.13 Two Bad Neighbors [7.13] 7.14 Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14] 7.15 Bart the Fink [7.15] 7.16 Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16] 7.17 Homer the Smithers [7.17] 7.18 The Day the Violence Died [7.18] 7.19 A Fish Called Selma [7.19] 7.20 Bart on the Road [7.20] 7.21 22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21] 7.22 Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22] 7.23 Much Apu About Nothing [7.23] 7.24 Homerpalooza [7.24] 7.25 Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25] 8 Season 8 8.1 Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01] 8.2 You Only Move Twice [8.02] 8.3 The Homer They Fall [8.03] 8.4 Burns, Baby Burns [8.04] 8.5 Bart After Dark [8.05] 8.6 A Milhouse Divided [8.06] 8.7 Lisa's Date with Density [8.07] 8.8 Hurricane Neddy [8.08] 8.9 El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09] 8.10 The Springfield Files [8.10] 8.11 The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11] 8.12 Mountain of Madness [8.12] 8.13 Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13] 8.14 The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14] 8.15 Homer's Phobia [8.15] 8.16 Brother from Another Series [8.16] 8.17 My Sister, My Sitter [8.17] 8.18 Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18] 8.19 Grade School Confidential [8.19] 8.20 The Canine Mutiny [8.20] 8.21 The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21] 8.22 In Marge We Trust [8.22] 8.23 Homer's Enemy [8.23] 8.24 The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24] 8.25 The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25] 9 Season 9 9.1 The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01] 9.2 The Principal and the Pauper [9.02] 9.3 Lisa's Sax [9.03] 9.4 Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04] 9.5 The Cartridge Family [9.05] 9.6 Bart Star [9.06] 9.7 The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07] 9.8 Lisa the Skeptic [9.08] 9.9 Realty Bites [9.09] 9.10 Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10] 9.11 All Singing, All Dancing [9.11] 9.12 Bart Carny [9.12] 9.13 The Joy of Sect [9.13] 9.14 Das Bus [9.14] 9.15 The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15] 9.16 Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16] 9.17 Lisa the Simpson [9.17] 9.18 This Little Wiggy [9.18] 9.19 Simpson Tide [9.19] 9.20 The Trouble with Trillions [9.20] 9.21 Girly Edition [9.21] 9.22 Trash of the Titans [9.22] 9.23 King of the Hill [9.23] 9.24 Lost Our Lisa [9.24] 9.25 Natural Born Kissers [9.25] 10 Season 10 10.1 Lard of the Dance [10.01] 10.2 The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace [10.02] 10.3 Bart the Mother [10.03] 10.4 Treehouse of Horror IX [10.04] 10.5 When You Dish Upon a Star [10.05] 10.6 D'oh-in in the Wind [10.06] 10.7 Lisa Gets an "A" [10.07] 10.8 Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble" [10.08] 10.9 Mayored to the Mob [10.09] 10.10 Viva Ned Flanders [10.10] 10.11 Wild Barts Can't Be Broken [10.11] 10.12 Sunday, Cruddy Sunday [10.12] 10.13 Homer to the Max [10.13] 10.14 I'm With Cupid [10.14] 10.15 Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers" [10.15] 10.16 Make Room for Lisa [10.16] 10.17 Maximum Homerdrive [10.17] 10.18 Simpsons Bible Stories [10.18] 10.19 Mom and Pop Art [10.19] 10.20 The Old Man and The "C" Student [10.20] 10.21 Monty Can't Buy Me Love [10.21] 10.22 They Saved Lisa's Brain [10.22] 10.23 Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo [10.23] 11 Season 11 11.1 Beyond Blunderdome [11.01] 11.2 Brother's Little Helper [11.02] 11.3 Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [11.03] 11.4 Treehouse of Horror X [11.04] 11.5 E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [11.05] 11.6 Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [11.06] 11.7 Eight Misbehavin' [11.07] 11.8 Take My Wife, Sleaze [11.08] 11.9 Grift of the Magi [11.09] 11.10 Little Big Mom [11.10] 11.11 Faith Off [11.11] 11.12 The Mansion Family [11.12] 11.13 Saddlesore Galactica [11.13] 11.14 Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [11.14] 11.15 Missionary: Impossible [11.15] 11.16 Pygmoelian [11.16] 11.17 Bart to the Future [11.17] 11.18 Days of Wine and D'oh'ses [11.18] 11.19 Kill the Alligator and Run [11.19] 11.20 Last Tap Dance in Springfield [11.20] 11.21 It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [11.21] 11.22 Behind the Laughter [11.22] 12 Season 12 12.1 Treehouse of Horror XI [12.01] 12.2 A Tale of Two Springfields [12.02] 12.3 Insane Clown Poppy [12.03] 12.4 Lisa the Tree Hugger [12.04] 12.5 Homer vs. Dignity [12.05] 12.6 The Computer Wore Menace Shoes [12.06] 12.7 The Great Money Caper [12.07] 12.8 Skinner's Sense of Snow [12.08] 12.9 HOMЯ [12.09] 12.10 Pokey Mom [12.10] 12.11 Worst Episode Ever [12.11] 12.12 Tennis the Menace [12.12] 12.13 Day of the Jackanapes [12.13] 12.14 New Kids on the Blecch [12.14] 12.15 Hungry, Hungry Homer [12.15] 12.16 Bye Bye Nerdie [12.16] 12.17 Simpson Safari [12.17] 12.18 Trilogy of Error [12.18] 12.19 I'm Goin' to Praiseland [12.19] 12.20 Children of a Lesser Clod [12.20] 12.21 Simpsons Tall Tales [12.21] 13 Season 13 13.1 Treehouse of Horror XII [13.1] 13.2 The Parent Rap [13.2] 13.3 Homer the Moe [13.3] 13.4 A Hunka Hunka Burns in Love [13.4] 13.5 The Blunder Years [13.5] 13.6 She of Little Faith [13.6] 13.7 Brawl in the Family [13.7] 13.8 Sweets and Sour Marge [13.8] 13.9 Jaws Wired Shut [13.09] 13.10 Half-Decent Proposal [13.10] 13.11 The Bart Wants What It Wants [13.11] 13.12 The Lastest Gun in the West [13.12] 13.13 The Old Man and the Key [13.13] 13.14 Tales from the Public Domain [13.14] 13.15 Blame it on Lisa [13.15] 13.16 Weekend at Burnsie's [13.16] 13.17 Gump Roast [13.17] 13.18 I am Furious Yellow [13.18] 13.19 The Sweetest Apu [13.19] 13.20 Little Girl in the Big Ten [13.20] 13.21 The Frying Game [13.21] 13.22 Papa's Got a Brand New Badge [13.22] 14 Season 14 14.1 Treehouse of Horror XIII [14.01] 14.2 How I Spent My Strummer Vacation [14.02] 14.3 Bart vs. Lisa vs. The Third Grade [14.03] 14.4 Large Marge [14.04] 14.5 Helter Shelter [14.05] 14.6 The Great Louse Detective [14.06] 14.7 Special Edna [14.07] 14.8 The Dad Who Knew Too Little [14.08] 14.9 Strong Arms of The Ma [14.09] 14.10 Pray Anything [14.10] 14.11 Barting Over [14.11] 14.12 I'm Spelling as Fast as I Can [14.12] 14.13 A Star is Born-Again [14.13] 14.14 Mr. Spritz Goes to Washington [14.14] 14.15 C.E. D'oh [14.15] 14.16 'Scuse Me While I Miss the Sky [14.16] 14.17 Three Gays of the Condo [14.17] 14.18 Dude, Where's My Ranch? [14.18] 14.19 Old Yeller Belly [14.19] 14.20 Brake My Wife, Please [14.20] 14.21 Bart of War [14.21] 14.22 Moe Baby Blues [14.22] 15 Season 15 15.1 Treehouse of Horror XIV [15.1] 15.2 My Mother the Carjacker [15.2] 15.3 The President Wore Pearls [15.3] 15.4 The Regina Monologues [15.4] 15.5 The Fat and the Furriest [15.05] 15.6 Today I am A Clown [15.06] 15.7 'Tis the Fifteenth Season [15.07] 15.8 Marge vs. Singles, Seniors, Childless Couples and Teens, and Gays [15.08] 15.9 I, (Annoyed Grunt)-Bot [15.09] 15.10 Diatribe of a Mad Housewife [15.10] 15.11 Margical History Tour [15.11] 15.12 Milhouse Doesn't Live Here Anymore [15.12] 15.13 Smart and Smarter [15.13] 15.14 The Ziff Who Came to Dinner [15.14] 15.15 Co-Dependent's Day [15.15] 15.16 The Wandering Juvie [15.16] 15.17 My Big Fat Geek Wedding [15.17] 15.18 Catch 'em If You Can [15.18] 15.19 Simple Simpson [15.19] 15.20 The Way We Weren't [15.20] 15.21 Bart-Mangled Banner [15.21] 15.22 Fraudcast News [15.22] 16 Season 16 16.1 Treehouse of Horror XV [16.01] 16.2 All's Fair in Oven War [16.02] 16.3 Sleeping With the Enemy [16.03] 16.4 She Used to Be My Girl [16.04] 16.5 Fat Man and Little Boy [16.05] 16.6 Midnight Rx [16.06] 16.7 Mommie Beerest [16.07] 16.8 Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass [16.08] 16.9 Pranksta Rap [16.09] 16.10 There's Something About Marrying [16.10] 16.11 On a Clear Day I Can't See My Sister [16.11] 16.12 Goo Goo Gai Pan [16.12] 16.13 Mobile Homer [16.13] 16.14 The Seven-Beer Snitch [16.14] 16.15 Future-Drama [16.15] 16.16 Don't Fear the Roofer [16.16] 16.17 The Heartbroke Kid [16.17] 16.18 A Star is Torn [16.18] 16.19 Thank God It's Doomsday [16.19] 16.20 Home Away From Homer [16.20] 16.21 The Father, The Son, and The Holy Guest Star [16.21] 17 Season 17 17.1 Bonfire of the Manatees [17.01] 17.2 The Girl Who Slept Too Little [17.02] 17.3 Milhouse of Sand and Fog [17.03] 17.4 Treehouse of Horror XVI [17.04] 17.5 Marge's Son Poisoning [17.05] 17.6 See Homer Run [17.06] 17.7 The Last of the Red Hat Mamas [17.07] 17.8 The Italian Bob [17.08] 17.9 Simpsons Christmas Stories [17.09] 17.10 Homer's Paternity Coot [17.10] 17.11 We're on the Road to D'ohwhere [17.11] 17.12 My Fair Laddy [17.12] 17.13 The Seemingly Never-Ending Story [17.13] 17.14 Bart Has Two Mommies [17.14] 17.15 Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife [17.15] 17.16 Million Dollar Abie [17.16] 17.17 Kiss Kiss, Bang Bangalore [17.17] 17.18 The Wettest Stories Ever Told [17.18] 17.19 Girls Just Want To Have Sums [17.19] 17.20 Regarding Margie [17.20] 17.21 The Monkey Suit [17.21] 17.22 Marge and Homer Turn a Couple Play [17.22] 18 Season 18 18.1 The Mook, The Chef, The Wife And Her Homer [18.01] 18.2 Jazzy and the Pussycats [18.02] 18.3 Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em... [18.03] 18.4 Treehouse of Horror XVII [18.04] 18.5 G.I. (Annoyed Grunt) [18.05] 18.6 Moe'N'a Lisa [18.06] 18.7 Ice Cream of Margie (With the Light Blue Hair) [18.07] 18.8 The Haw-Hawed Couple [18.08] 18.9 Kill Gil: Vols. 1 & 2 [18.09] 18.10 The Wife Aquatic [18.10] 18.11 Revenge is a Dish Best Served Three Times [18.11] 18.12 Little Big Girl [18.12] 18.13 Springfield Up [18.13] 18.14 Yokel Chords [18.14] 18.15 Rome-old and Juli-eh [18.15] 18.16 Homerazzi [18.16] 18.17 Marge Gamer [18.17] 18.18 The Boys of Bummer [18.18] 18.19 Crook and Ladder [18.19] 18.20 Stop, or My Dog Will Shoot! [18.20] 18.21 24 Minutes [18.21] 18.22 You Kent Always Say What You Want [18.22] 19 Season 19 19.1 He Loves to Fly and He D'ohs [19.1] 19.2 The Homer of Seville [19.2] 19.3 Midnight Towboy [19.3] 19.4 I Don't Wanna Know Why the Caged Bird Sings [19.4] 19.5 Treehouse of Horror XVIII [19.5] 19.6 Little Orphan Millie [19.6] 19.7 Husbands and Knives [19.7] 19.8 Funeral for a Fiend [19.8] 19.9 Eternal Moonshine of the Simpson Mind [19.9] 19.10 E. Pluribus Wiggum [19.10] 19.11 That 90's Show [19.11] 19.12 Love, Springfieldian Style [19.12] 19.13 The Debarted [19.13] 19.14 Dial 'N' for Nerder [19.14] 19.15 Smoke on the Daughter [19.15] 19.16 Papa Don't Leech [19.16] 19.17 Apocalypse Cow [19.17] 19.18 Any Given Sundance [19.18] 19.19 Mona Leaves-a [19.19] 19.20 All About Lisa [19.20] 20 Season 20 20.1 Sex, Pies and Idiot Scrapes [20.1] 20.2 Lost Verizon [20.2] 20.3 Double, Double, Boy in Trouble [20.3] 20.4 Treehouse of Horror XIX [20.4] 20.5 Dangerous Curves [20.5] 20.6 Homer and Lisa Exchange Crosswords [20.6] 20.7 Mypods and Boomsticks [20.7] 20.8 The Burns and the Bees [20.8] 20.9 Lisa the Drama Queen [20.9] 20.10 Take My Life, Please [20.10] 20.11 How the Test Was Won [20.11] 20.12 No Loan Again, Naturally [20.12] 20.13 Gone Maggie Gone [20.13] 20.14 In the Name of the Grandfather [20.14] 20.15 Wedding for Disaster [20.15] 20.16 Eeny Teeny Maya Moe [20.16] 20.17 The Good, the Sad and the Drugly [20.17] 20.18 Father Knows Worst [20.18] 20.19 Waverly Hills 9021-D'oh [20.19] 20.20 Four Great Women and a Manicure [20.20] 20.21 Coming to Homerica [20.21] 21 Season 21 21.1 Homer the Whopper [21.01] 21.2 Bart Gets a 'Z' [21.02] 21.3 The Great Wife Hope [21.03] 21.4 Treehouse of Horror XX [21.04] 22 Commercials 22.1 Season Two 22.1.1 Dad Says No Teasing! (Butterfinger) 22.1.2 The Bully 22.1.3 Butterfinger Ice Cream Bars 22.1.4 The Shocking Trap 22.2 Season Three 22.2.1 You're Gonna Give Me a Big Surprise! (Butterfinger) 22.2.2 We're Down to the Last Butterfinger! 22.2.3 Karate 22.2.4 Share 'Em, Eat 'Em (Butterfinger BB's) 22.2.5 One Less Sister! (Butterfinger BB's) 23 The Simpsons Ride 24 See Also 25 External links

[edit] Season 1

[edit] Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire [1.01]

Homer: Ho, Ho, D'oh!

[edit] Bart the Genius [1.02]

Bart: Dad, I got to tell you something, hope you won't be too mad.

Homer: What is it, son?

Bart: I'm not a genius, dad.

Homer: What?

Bart: I cheated on the intelligent test, I'm sorry! But you then the past few weeks than great, me and you and doing stuff together, you've helped me out with thingin' we're closer never been. I love you, dad, and I think is something can bring us that close, it can't possibly be bad.

Homer: Why, you little...! [chases Bart]

Bart: Uh-oh!

Marge: What's going on out there?

Lisa: I think Bart's stupid again, Mom.

Marge: Oh, well.

[Bart closes the door and Homer pounding the door]

Homer: You can't stay in there forever!

Bart: I can try!

Homer: March your butt right out here, now!

[edit] Homer's Odyssey [1.03]

Marge: There, there, Homer. You've caused plenty of industrial accidents and you've always bounced back.

---

Sherri: Hey, Bart. Our dad says your dad is incompetent.

Bart: What does "incompetent" mean?

Terri: It means he spends more time yakking and scarfing down donuts than doing his job.

Bart: Oh, okay. I thought you were putting him down.

[edit] There's No Disgrace Like Home [1.04]

[Dr. Monroe introduces electric shock therapy to the Simpsons.]

Dr. Monroe: Now, don't touch any of those buttons in front of you for a very important reason, i.e., you are wired in to the rest of your family. You have the ability to shock them, and they have the ability to shock--

[Homer screams as Bart shocks him.]

Bart: Just testing.

Homer: Why, you--

[Homer is about to press a button, but Monroe holds his arm back]

Dr. Monroe: No Homer, not yet!

Homer: Awww

Dr. Monroe:You see , this is what's known as aversion therapy. When someone hurts you emotionally, you will hurt them physically, and gradually you will learn not to hurt each other at all! And won't that be wonderful Homer?

Homer: Oh yes, doctor!

[Homer shocks Bart.]

Bart: Owww!

[Bart is about to shock Homer, but shocks Lisa instead]

Lisa: Owww!

Marge: Bart! How could you shock you little sister?

Bart: My finger slipped.

[Bart gets shocked by Lisa.]

Lisa: So did mine.

[Bart and Lisa kept shocking eatch other.]

Marge: Bart! Lisa! Stop that!

[Marge shocks both Bart and Lisa.]

[edit] Bart the General [1.05]

Marge: Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this!

Bart: I guess I could do that.

Homer: What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die!

Marge: What on earth are you talking about, Homer?

Homer: The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feels exactly the same way you do.

---

Grampa: I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

[edit] Moaning Lisa [1.06]

Bleeding Gums Murphy: The blues isn't about making yourself feeling better, it's about making other people feel worse.

---

Bleeding Gums Murphy: You know, you play pretty well for someone with no real problems.

[edit] The Call of the Simpsons [1.07]

Lisa: Remember, Dad. The handle of the Big Dipper points to the North Star.

Homer: That's nice, Lisa, but we're not in astronomy class. We're in the woods.

---

[Marge and Lisa discuss the origin of babies]

Lisa: I heard a hideous story about it once, in the schoolyard.

Marge: Oh. Well, it's true, I'm afraid.

[edit] The Telltale Head [1.08]

Homer: [on Heaven] I can understand how they wouldn't let in those wild jungle apes, but what about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke cigars?

---

Bart: Well, I was wondering... how important is it to be popular?

Homer: I'm glad you asked, son. Being popular is the most important thing in the world.

Bart: So, like sometimes you can do stuff that you think is pretty bad so other kids will like you better?

Homer: You're not talking about killing anyone, are you?

Bart: No

Homer: Are you?!

Bart: No!

Homer: Then run along, you little scamp. Like I always say, a boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

[edit] Life on the Fast Lane [1.09]

Jacques: My head cries, "Stop," but my heart and hips cry, "Proceed!"

---

[Homer carries Marge out of the Power Plant]

Plant Worker: Hey, what'll I tell the boss?

Homer: Tell him that I'm going to the back-seat of my car, with the woman I love. And I won't be back for ten minutes!

[Homer's co-workers cheer]

[edit] Homer's Night Out [1.10]

[Homer weighs himself again after six months]

Homer: OH, NO! 239 lbs?!? I'm a whale! Why was I cursed with this weakness for snack treats? [more serious] Well from now on, exercise every morning, Homer!

[Homer stretches in front of the bathroom mirror, just as Marge enters.]

Marge: Ohhh... Don't strain yourself, dear.

Homer: Good idea, Marge.

---

Burns: What in blue blazes do you think you're doing, Simpson?!

Homer: What do you mean, sir?

Burns: I mean this! [holds up the picture]

Homer: [Gasp!]

Burns: A plant employee carrying on like an over-sexed orangutan in heat! This is a family nuclear power plant, Simpson. Our research indicates that over fifty percent of our power is used by women. [suddenly wrinkles up the picture into a ball] I WILL NOT HAVE YOU OFFENDING MY CUSTOMERS WITH YOUR BAWDY SHENANIGANS!!

[edit] The Crepes of Wrath [1.11]

Marge: Deportation?! You mean kick Bart out of the country?!

Homer: Hear him out, Marge.

---

Homer: Please, please, kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

[edit] Krusty Gets Busted [1.12]

[The opening of Krusty's show.]

Krusty: Hi, kids! Who do you love?

Kids: Krusty!

Krusty: How much do you love me?

Kids: With all our hearts!

Krusty: What would you do if I went off the air?

Bart and Lisa [watching at home] We'd kill ourselves!

---

"Krusty": Hand over all your money in a paper bag.

Apu: Yes, yes, I know the procedure for armed robbery. I do work in a convenience store, you know.

["Krusty" takes the money and leaves the store.]

Apu: [to Homer] You can emerge now from my chips. The opportunity to prove yourself a hero is long gone.

[edit] Some Enchanted Evening [1.13]

Moe: Hey, you can level with me. You got a domestic situation?

Homer: You might say that. My wife's gonna leave me 'cause she thinks I'm a pig.

Moe: Homer...

Homer: What?

Moe: Marge is right. You are a pig. You can ask anyone in this bar.

Homer: What? Hey, Barney, am I a pig?

Barney: You're even more of a pig than I am. [belches]

Homer: Oh, no!

Moe: See? You're a pig. Barney's a pig. Larry's a pig. We're all pigs. Except for one difference: once in a while, we can crawl out of the slop, hose ourselves off, and act like human beings.

---

Homer: Lord help me, I'm just not that bright.

Marge: Oh, Homer, don't say that. The way I see it, if you raise three children who can knock out and hogtie a perfect stranger, you must be doing something right.

---

Bart: [The greatest TV room by kids with the rope.] We know who you are, Miss Botz, or should say Miss Botzcowski, you're the baby-sitter bandit!

Ms. Botz: You're a smart, young man, Bart! I hope your smart enough to keep your mouth shut!

Lisa: He isn't.

[Miss Botz will disconnect the phone.]

Bart: You're crazy if you think you're gonna getaway with this, lady, you can't-- [Bart mouth tape on the muffled.]

Ms. Botz: I'm really not a bad person, here, while I finish up, you guys can watch the rest of your favorite video cassette.

[edit] Season 2

[edit] Bart Gets an F [2.01]

Bart: Oh no, I have not studied!

School bus

Bart: Otto, man, I have a test I am so not ready for! Can you please help out your pal and crash the bus?

Otto: Whoa ho! Sorry, Bart dude, state law prohibits me from crashing the bus on purpose. But who knows, you may get lucky and we could have an accident!

Bart{to himself}: No need to panic. Just find a nerd and sponge answers; I am back on Easy Street!

Terri: Look, Bart Simpson is coming to sit next to us.

Sherri: I will bet he did not study! Now he is trying to take advantage of us.

Bart: Good morning, girls!

Sherri and Terri: Good morning, Bart.

Bart: Say, who's up for a little cram session? I'll go first. What was the name of the Pilgrims' boat?

Sherri: The Spirit of St. Louis.

Bart: And where'd they land?

Terri: Sunny Acapulco.

Bart: And why'd they leave England?

Sherri: Giant rats.

Bart: [writing down the information in a notebook] Cool, history's coming alive!

Bus arrives at Springfield Elementary. Students get off bus

Martin Prince: As a natural enemy, I do not know why I am doing this, but I feel obliged to tell you the information you just received is grossly erroneous.

Bart: Speak English, man!

Martin: A blindfolded chimp with a pencil in his teeth has a better chance of passing this test than you do!

Bart{dejectedly}: Thanks for the pep talk, poindexter.

---

Bart: Look at my eyes! See the sincerity? See the conviction? See the fear? As God is my witness, I can pass the fourth grade!

Homer: And if you don't, at least you'll be bigger than the other kids!

[edit] Simpson and Delilah [2.02]

[Homer learns that Dimoxinil costs one thousand dollars.]

Homer: A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!

Sales clerk: Hmm... well, we do have a product which is more in your price range. However...

[He pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a $19.95 price sticker]

Sales clerk:I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental.

---

Homer: [strangling Bart] BOY... MUST... DIE!

Bart: I love you, Dad!

Homer: D'oh! [stops strangling] Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!

Bart: It is?!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror [2.03]

Marge: Homer! What's this thing in the corner?

Homer: I don't know.

Lisa: It looks like a vortex -- a gateway into another dimension.

Homer: Ooh, a vortex. [Throwing an orange into the vortex] Catch! Hey pretty slick.

[the vortex spits out a piece of wadded-up paper]

Lisa: [reading] "Quit throwing your garbage into our dimension!"

---

Narrator: Quoth the raven-

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Lisa: Bart, stop it! He says "Nevermore." And that's all he'll ever say.

Bart: Okay, okay.

[edit] Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish [2.04]

Mr. Burns: Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful.

---

Mr. Burns: Ironic, isn't it Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you!

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

[edit] Dancin' Homer [2.05]

Homer: For the first time in my life, people weren't laughing at me, they were laughing towards me!

---

(Looking at a "Dancin' Homer" T-shirt)

Marge: A Simpson on a T-shirt, I thought I'd never see the day.

[edit] Dead Putting Society [2.06]

Homer: Marge, where's the Duff?!

Marge: Oh, uh, we're all out, Homer.

Homer: D'oh!

Marge: Would you like some fruit juice?

Homer: Don't toy with me, woman!

---

Homer: All right, knock it off!

Ned Flanders: Knock what off, Simpson?

Homer: You've been rubbing it in my nose since I got here! Your family is better than my family, your beer comes from farther away than my beer, you and your son like each other, your wife's butt is higher than my wife's butt! You make me sick!

Ned: Simpson, I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to leave. I hope you understand!

Homer: I wouldn't stay on a bet!

[edit] Bart vs. Thanksgiving [2.07]

Lisa: [writing a poem]

I saw the best meals of my generation
Destroyed by the madness of my brother.
My soul carved in slices
By spiky-haired demons.

---

Homer: Hello?! Operator! Give me the number for 9-1-1!

---

Lisa: [he freaked out] BART! You don't even care. YOU DON'T EVEN CARE!

[Too late, the Bart - Homer, and Lisa - Marge to arrest you before Lisa cries.]

Homer: Alright, Bart! That's it, go to your room, now!

[edit] Bart the Daredevil [2.08]

Otto: [about Springfield Gorge] Hey, this thing's pretty gnarly. I bet you could throw a dead body in there, and no one would eeeeever find it.

Bart: Otto, I'm going to leap over Springfield Gorge on my skateboard.

Otto: You know, Bart, as the only adult here, I feel I should say something.

Bart: What?

Otto: COOOOOOOOL!!!!!

---

Lance Murdock: It's always nice to see young people taking an interest in danger. Now, son, a lot of people are going to be telling you you're crazy - and maybe they're right! But I want to tell you three things: bones heal, chicks dig scars, and the United States of America has the best doctor-to-daredevil ratio in the world!

---

Homer: I'm king of the world! Woo hoo! Woo hoo! I-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH! (Homer falls down the cliff grunting and groaning, and when he reaches the bottom, Bart's skateboard hits him on the head.)

[edit] Itchy & Scratchy & Marge [2.09]

[Marge is writing a letter to the producers of Itchy and Scratchy]

Marge: Dear purveyors of senseless violence, I know this may sound silly at first, but I believe that the cartoons you show to our children are influencing their behavior in a negative way. Please try to tone down the psychotic violence in your otherwise fine programming. Yours truly, Marge Simpson.

---

Roger Meyers, Jr.: [in response to Marge's letter] Dear valued viewer, thank you for taking an interest in the Itchy & Scratchy program. Enclosed is a personally autographed photo of America's favorite cat-and-mouse team to add to your collection. In regards to your specific comments about the show, our research shows that one person cannot make a difference, no matter how big a screwball she is, so let me close by saying...

Marge [reading the letter out loud] And the horse I rode in on? I'll show them what one screwball can do!

[edit] Bart Gets Hit by a Car [2.10]

Homer: He's awake!

Marge: Oh, Bart! We thought for a minute you'd gone away from us.

Bart: I did go away, Mom! I was miles and miles and miles away, writhing in agony in the pits of Hell! And you were there! And you and you and you. You, I've never seen before.

Homer: Hey, yeah, who are you? I saw you chasing Bart's ambulance.

Lionel Hutz: Hutz is the name, Mr. Simpson. Lionel Hutz, attorney-at-law. Here's my card. It turns into a sponge when you put it in water.

Homer: Ooh, classy.

---

[After Marge ruins the case and the million dollars for Homer. Mr. Burns and his lawyers meet with Homer and Mr. Hutz in the back room.]

Mr. Burns: I'm going to write a figure on this piece of paper. It's not quite as large as the previous number but I think you'll find it acceptable. [Writes a big zero and hands it to Homer]

Hutz: I think we should take it.

Homer: Ohhhhh.

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Bart: [while the spit over the water] TAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! Ooof!

Man on Pa: We told you to hold on the handrail, we asked you not to spit over the side.

[edit] One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish [2.11]

Master Chef: [car sounds horn] Ah, she's here. Cover for me.

Akira: One Fugu.

Toshiro: No, not Fugu! If it is cut improperly, it's-

Akira: Yes, yes, I know it's poisonous, but if sliced properly, it can be quite tasty.

Toshiro: I must get to the master.

[Toshiro heads out to the alley, where a car is parked. The Master Chef and Mrs. Krabappel are making out inside.]

Master Chef: Oh, Mrs. Krabappel, your hair is so alluring...

Toshiro: Master, we need you back in the kitchen.

Master Chef: I said cover for me, damn it!

Toshiro: But Master, we need your skilled hands!

Master Chef: My skilled hands are busy, YOU DO IT!

---

[Homer is brought to the hospital after eating the fugu.]

Dr. Hibbert: Now, a little death anxiety is normal. You can expect to go through five stages. The first is denial.

Homer: No way, because I'm not dying!

Dr. Hibbert: Second is anger.

Homer: [yelling] Why you little!

Dr. Hibbert: After that comes fear.

Homer: [worried] What's after fear? What's after fear?!

Dr. Hibbert: Bargaining.

Homer: Doc, you gotta get me outta this. I'll make it worth your while.

Dr. Hibbert: Finally acceptance.

Homer: Well, we all gotta go sometime.

Dr. Hibbert: Mr. Simpson, your progress astounds me.

[edit] The Way We Was [2.12]

Homer: Time for Doctor TV to perform a little surgery.

[He hits the TV, and it goes blank.]

Bart: Looks like you lost the patient, Doc.

---

Barney: Hey, Homer, you're late for English!

Homer: Pffft, English, who needs that? I'm never going to England. Come on, let's go smoke!

[edit] Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment [2.13]

[Everyone leaves Homer's house after the fight ends.]

Apu: Quite a donnybrook, eh, Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns: Balderdash! Why, I once watched "Gentleman" Jim Corbett fight an Eskimo fellow bare-knuckled for a hundred and thirteen rounds! Of course, back then, if a fight lasted less than fifty rounds, we demanded our nickel back!

---

Marge: So kids what did you learn about today?

Bart: Hell.

Homer: BART!

Bart: What? That's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't say we learned about hell unless I can say hell now can I?

Homer: Kids got a point Marge.

Bart: Hell yes!

Marge: Bart.

Bart: [sings]Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell.

Marge: Bart, you're no longer in Sunday School. Don't swear.

[edit] Principal Charming [2.14]

Homer: Which one's Selma, again?

Marge: She's the one who likes Police Academy movies and Hummel figurines, and walking through the park on clear autumn days.

Homer: Oh, yeah yeah yeah. But I thought she was the one that didn't like to be... you know... touched.

Marge: It's Patty who chose a life of celibacy. Selma simply had celibacy thrust upon her.

---

Marge: You will find Selma a man!

Homer: All right.

Marge: And not just any man.

Homer: Okay!

Marge: He should be honest, and, and caring. And well-off. And handsome.

Homer: Hey! Why should she have a better husband than you do!?

[edit] Oh Brother, Where Art Thou? [2.15]

Grampa: Pull your chair closer, my son.

Homer: What is it, Dad?

Grampa: Pee-yoo! Not that close! Sheesh. Homer, that heart attack made me realize that I'm going to die someday.

Homer: Oh, Dad, you and your imagination.

---

Homer: And our three children: Bart, Lisa and Maggie.

Bart: Hello, sir.

Lisa: Hello, Mr. Powell.

Herbert: Hello, kids. [to Homer, quietly] All born in wedlock?

Homer: [quietly] Yeah, though the boy was a close call.

[edit] Bart's Dog Gets an F [2.16]

Bart: No way, she's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home.

Lisa: If Bart stays home, I'm going to school.

Bart: Fine, then... Wait a minute... If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school, but then Lisa stays home, so I stay home, so Lisa goes to school...

Marge: Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

---

Bart: Now... Sit! I said, Sit! Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. See? He does exactly what I tell him.

[edit] Old Money [2.17]

Marge: You know, we'll be old someday.

Homer: Gasp! My God, you're right, Marge! You kids wouldn't put me in a home like I did to my dad, would you?

Bart: Well...

Homer: Aaah!

---

Grandpa: Well, I was wondering if you and I you know, might go to the same place at the same time and... Jeez! You'd think this would get easier with time!

[edit] Brush with Greatness [2.18]

Lisa: While I know firsthand how fragile young talent is, I'd love to hear the particulars of how your gift was squashed.

---

Burns: [offscreen] SMITHERS! I WANT MY TEA!

Marge: [to Smithers] Doesn't it bother you that he orders you around like that?

Smithers: [chuckles] Actually, I value every second we're together. From the moment I squeeze his orange juice in the morning, till I tuck him in at night. He's not just my boss, he's my best friend too.

[Burns enters; Smithers gives him the tea]

Burns: [sipping] Bah! Too hot! [throws it on Smithers]

Smithers: Right, sir. It's... scalding me as we speak.

[edit] Lisa's Substitute [2.19]

Mr. Bergstrom: Lisa, your homework is always so neat. How can I put this? Does your father help you with it?

Lisa: No. Homework's not my father's specialty.

Mr. Bergstrom: Well there's no shame in it, I mean, my dad--

Lisa: Not mine.

Mr. Bergstrom: You didn't let me finish--

Lisa: Unless the next word was "burped", you didn't have to.

---

Homer: What are you moping about?!

Lisa: Nothing.

Marge: Lisa, tell your father.

Lisa: Mr. Bergstrom left.

Homer: [uninterested] Oh?

Lisa: He's gone. Forever.

Homer: And...?

Lisa: I didn't think you'd understand.

Homer: Hey! Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand!

---

Homer: [to Lisa] I don't think you realize what you're saying.

Lisa: [freaking out] BABOON! [starts crying]

Bart: Whoa, somebody has simple of the one day, I just can't belive was her.

Homer: Did you hear that, Marge? She called me a baboon! The stupidest, ugliest, smelliest ape of them all!

[edit] The War of the Simpsons [2.20]

[Homer is passed out on the floor as everyone leaves Marge's party.]

Dr. Hibbert: If you want him to live through the night, I suggest you roll him onto his stomach.

Marge: Thank you, Doctor.

Dr. Hibbert: Remember, I said "if."

---

Homer: About last night. You might have noticed Daddy acting a little strange and you probably don't understand why.

Bart: I understand why. You were wasted.

Homer: I admit it. I didn't know when to say "when." I'm sorry it happened and I just hope you didn't lose a lot of respect for me.

Bart: Dad, I have as much respect for you as I ever did or ever will.

[edit] Three Men and a Comic Book [2.21]

Marge: Maybe a part-time job is the answer.

Bart: Oh, Mom, I couldn't ask you to do that. You're already taking care of Maggie and Lisa is such a handful.

Lisa: She means you should get a job, stupid!

Bart: [Daniel Stern's voice, à la "Wonder Years"] Me? Get a job? Were they serious? [The Byrds' "Turn! Turn! Turn!" begins to play.] I didn't realize it at the time, but a little piece of my childhood had slipped away, forever.

Homer: Bart! What are you staring at?

Bart: Uh, nothing. [Daniel Stern continues] He didn't say it, and neither did I, but at that moment, my dad and I were closer than we-

Homer: Bart! Stop it!

Bart: Sorry.

---

Bart: Ugh! I am through with working! Working is for chumps.

Homer: Son, I'm proud of you. I was twice your age before I figured that out!

[edit] Blood Feud [2.22]

Mayor Quimby: Chief Wiggum, Archbishop McGee, distinguished guests, I am pleased to dedicate this emergency warning system. In the off-chance of a nuclear disaster, this sign will tell you, the good citizens of Springfield, what to do!

[sign lights up, "Relax. Everything is fine."]

Crowd: Ooh. [applause]

[sign lights up, "Minor leak. Roll up window."]

Crowd: Ooh. [mild applause]

[sign lights up, "Meltdown. Flee city."]

Crowd: [scattered applause]

[sign lights up, "Core explosion. Repent sins."]

Crowd: [stunned silence]

Homer: [snickers] Joke's on them. If the core explodes, there won't be any power to light that sign!

---

[After the Simpsons receive a large idol head of Xtapolapocetl, the Olmec god of war, as a reward from Burns. Simpsons creator Matt Groening comments that this dialogue sums up the whole show.]

Marge: The moral of this story is a good deed is its own reward.

Bart: Hey, we got a reward. The head is cool!

Marge: Well then... I guess the moral is no good deed goes unrewarded.

Homer: Wait a minute! If I hadn't written that nasty letter, we wouldn't have gotten anything!

Marge: Well... then I guess the moral is the squeaky wheel gets the grease.

Lisa: Perhaps there is no moral to this story.

Homer: Exactly! It's just a bunch of stuff that happened.

Marge: But it certainly was a memorable few days.

Homer: Amen to that!

[The family laughs]

This piece of dialogue was present in the Victorian Certificate of Education's 2004 GAT (General Achievement Test) sat by all students in Victoria, Australia completing their final years of school. The dialogue was part of a multiple choice question asking for analysis of the piece. It can be found online (page 10-11).

[edit] Season 3

[edit] Stark Raving Dad [3.01]

Homer: Lisa, you like homework. Could you fill out this form for me?

Lisa: Well, all right. If you'll listen to the poem I just wrote.

Homer: D'OH!!... Oh, okay.

Lisa: Meditations on Turning Eight, by Lisa Simpson. [reads] "I had a cat named Snowball. / She died, she died! / Mom said she was sleeping. / She lied, she lied! / Why oh why is my cat dead? / Couldn't that Chrysler hit me instead? / I had a hamster named Snuffy. / He died--"

Homer: [takes his form] No deal!

---

Homer: [observing other mental patients] I don't understand, Michael. All these guys seem as normal as you or me.

Michael Jackson: I'm Michael Jackson of the Jacksons.

Homer: I'm Homer Simpson of the Simpsons.

Michael Jackson: I can't believe you've never heard of me, I'm a very popular entertainer.

Homer: of course I've heard of you! I mean you'd have to be living under a rock not to know...what'd you say you name was?

Michael Jackson: Michael Jackson.

Homer: Doesn't ring a bell.

Michael Jackson: Well have you heard of MTV?

Homer: No

Michael Jackson: Motown?

Homer: No

Michael Jackson: Beat it?

Homer: You beat it!

Michael Jackson: Thriller?

Homer: What was that last one again?

Michael Jackson: Thriller.

Homer: No

Homer: Wow! How do you do that thing with your feet?

Michael Jackson: The moonwalk?

Homer: No, that thing with your feet.

[edit] Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington [3.02]

[About a check from "Reading Digest"]

Homer: I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal.

Lisa: I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

---

Homer: [reading] Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread... the pitiless bark of the sea lion! [gasp] He'll be killed!

Marge: Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article.

Homer: Don't be so... [flips ahead] Oh, you're right.

[edit] When Flanders Failed [3.03]

Homer: [On the phone] Hello, Jerry? Homer Simpson. Remember last month when I paid back that loan? Well now I need YOU to do a favor for ME.

---

Mr. Burns: [using a left-handed can opener] The worm has turned, has it not, my tin-plated friend? Look at you! You were once so proud. Now feel the wrath of the left hand of Burns!

[edit] Bart the Murderer [3.04]

Tony: Pick a horse, kid. Shelbyville Downs, third race. Make it a good one.

Bart: Eat my shorts!

Tony: Eat My Shorts? Ah, okay... [consults the racing form] Let's see... Wait a minute, you little punk! Eat My Shorts is in the fifth race! I said the third race!

Bart: Don't have a cow!

Tony: [to a fellow crony] Don't Have a Cow in the third, put a deuce on him.

---

Chief Wiggum: Fat Tony is a cancer on this fair city. And I am the... um... What cures cancer?

[edit] Homer Defined [3.05]

Kent Brockman Uh, Mr. Burns, people are calling this a meltdown.

Mr. Burns: [over the hotline] Oh, meltdown. It's one of these annoying buzzwords. We prefer to call it an unrequested fission surplus.

---

Mr. Burns: Well Smithers, I guess there's nothing left to do but kiss my sorry ass good-bye.

Smithers: May I, sir?

Mr. Burns: Ewww...

[edit] Like Father, Like Clown [3.06]

Krusty: (voice-over) My father was the most respected person in the Lower East Side of Springfield. People would come for miles around to ask his advice.

Young Jewish Man: Reb Krustofsky, should I finish college?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. No one is poor, except he who lacks knowledge.

Jewish Woman: Rabbi, should I have another child?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Yes. Another child would be a blessing on your house.

Jewish Man: Rabbi, should I buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Could you rephrase that as an ethical question?

Jewish Man: Um... is it right to buy a Chrysler?

Rabbi Hyman Krustofsky: Oh, yes! For great is the car with power steering and dyna-flow suspension.

---

Bart: We came to talk to you about your son...

Rabbi Krustofsky: I have no son! [slams the door]

Bart: [talking to Lisa] Great, we came all this way and it's the wrong guy!

Rabbi Krustofsky: [opens door] I didn't mean that literally! [slams door again]

[edit] Treehouse of Horror II [3.07]

[Burns transplants Homer's brain into a robot]

Burns: Smithers, hand me that ice-cream scoop.

Smithers: Ice-cream scoop?!

Burns: Dammit, Smithers! This isn't rocket science, it's brain surgery!

[Burns removes Homer's brain then puts it atop his own head]]

Mister Burns: Look at me, I'm Davy Crockett!

---

[Burns performs a lobotomy without anestesthia]]

Homer: Ow. Ow! OW!

Burns: Quit complaining! This was I do not have to waste money on morphine! Well Smithers, you were right, he was not dead. I guess I owe you a Coke. And as for you, you lousy hunk of tin, take that! [Burns kicks robot, which tips it over and looms over Burns]

Smithers: Run Mister Burns!

[The robot lands on Burns, crushing him save for his head]]

Burns: Every bone in my body broken... vital organs leaking fluid... slight headache... Smithers, I'm dying.

Smither: No sir! Is there anything I can do?

Burns: We have one chance. Go to my office. Second drawer...there is some ether...

[Homer awakens, then walks into bathroom to remind himself that it was only a nightmare. When he closes the medicine cabinet, he sees Mr. Burns' head grafted onto him]]

Homer: DOH!

Mr. Burns: Perhaps you're curious as to why you have two heads. You see, when I was about to die, we saw your ample shoulder space provided enough oppurtunity to graft my head onto your body, thus saving my life.

Homer{hyperventilating}: This is only a dream. I did not wake up!

Mr. Burns: Oh sure, it is only a dream. Keep telling yourself that!

[Screen fades to black to creepy music, then scene resumes with normal Simpsons music looking like a canonical episode]]

Narrator: Next week, on The Simpsons.

Lisa: Dad, next Friday night my school is having an all-you-can-eat spaghetti dinner.

Homer: WOO-HOO!

Mr. Burns: But Homer, next Friday night the plant is having a ceremony welcoming Queen Beatrix of the Netherlands.

Homer: DOH! I hate having two heads!

[edit] Lisa's Pony [3.08]

[Lisa calls Homer on the phone.]

Lisa: Dad, I broke my last saxophone reed, and I need you to get me a new one.

Homer: Uh, isn't this the kind of thing your mother's better at?

Lisa: I called her. She's not home. I also tried Mr. Flanders, Aunt Patty, Aunt Selma, Dr. Hibbert, Reverend Lovejoy, and that nice man who caught the snake in our basement.

Homer: Wow, and after them, out of all the people in the world, you chose me.

---

Homer: Well, you know, we're always buying Maggie vaccinations for diseases she doesn't even have.

[edit] Saturdays of Thunder [3.09]

Homer: You know, Marge, that Bart is a little miracle – his winning smile, his button nose, his fat little stomach, his face alight with wholesome mischief. He reminds me of me before the weight of the world crushed my spirit.

---

Homer's Brain: Don't you get it? You've got to use reverse psychology.

Homer: That sounds too complicated.

Homer's Brain: OK, don't use reverse psychology.

Homer: All right, I will!

[edit] Flaming Moe's [3.10]

Janey: Now remember, Wanda, whatever shape the wax takes, that's what your husband's job will be.

[Janey drips some melted candle wax into a cup of cold water.]

Wanda: [disappointed] It's a mop. My husband will be a janitor.

Lisa: That looks like an Olympic torch to me. Your husband could be an Olympic athlete who will go on to have a great acting career!

Wanda: [lets another drop of wax fall] It's a dustpan.

Lisa: The wax never lies...

---

Moe: [lying in bed with female bartender] Now that's what I call a happy hour.

Woman: Oh, Morris, something troubles me...

Moe: Don't worry, baby, my mother won't be home for another twenty minutes –

Woman: No, I was thinking about Homer Simpson.

Moe: That's okay, I was just thinking about Sybil Danning.

Woman: I mean that you should sell your drink, and give half the money to Homer.

Moe: Wha-?!

Woman: [stern] He's your friend, Moe. And you took advantage of him.

Moe: All right, all right, I'll split the money! Jeepers, Mary and Joseph, I sleep with a chick once, and it costs me half a million bananas!

[edit] Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk [3.11]

Carl: Yeah, you know, those Germans aren't so bad.

Lenny: Sure they made mistakes in the past, but hey, that's why pencils have erasers!

---

German Managers: Attention workers, we have completed our evaluation of the plant. We regret to announce the following lay-offs, which I will read in alphabetical order... Simpson, Homer. That is all.

[edit] I Married Marge [3.12]

Homer: Do you really think you're pregnant?

Marge: Well, I have the same nausea and craving for pancake mix I had with the other kids.

Homer: Yeah, and I have the same tightness in my chest and profuse sweating I always did.

---

[At Shotgun Pete's 24-Hour Wedding Chapel...]

Clerk: Basic ceremony's twenty bucks. Here's your license. (She hands them a punch card.) Be sure to get this punched every time. The tenth wedding is on the house!

Homer: Hey! This marriage is gonna last forever!

Clerk: (chuckling) No matter how many times I hear that, it still makes me laugh!

[edit] Radio Bart [3.13]

["We're Sending Our Love Down The Well"]

Sting: There's a hole in my heart, as deep as a well,

For that poor little boy who's stuck halfway to Hell...

Sideshow Mel: Though we can't get him out, we'll do the next best thing...

Rainier Wolfcastle: We'll go on TV and sing, sing, sing!

All: And we're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: All the way down!

All: We're sending our love down the well...

Krusty: Down that well!

---

[On TV]

Kent: So, as it turns out, we've all been victims of a cruel hoax, masterminded by a 10-year old hooligan. The time has come for finger-pointing, and most of them are squarely aimed at the boy's parents.

Homer: It's not our fault! We didn't want the boy, he was an accident!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: Sorry. Uh... could you edit that last part out?

Kent: Mr. Simpson, we're live, coast-to-coast.

Homer: D'oh!

[edit] Lisa the Greek [3.14]

[Homer just won another bet and is getting his latest winnings from Moe]

Homer: Hi Moe. A beer...AND A LOT OF BILLS!

---

[After Homer explains that he and Lisa can't climb up Mt Springfield.]

Lisa: But what about Daddy-Daughter Day?

Homer: Don't worry, the football season's just eight months away.

Lisa: So that's it. You just needed me so I can help you gamble. You never wanted to be with me at all!! [starts crying]

Marge: You're a very selfish man.

[Bart is playing with a button that Homer bought him, and presses "Go to hell" three times]

Bart: Once again, Dad, great present!

[edit] Homer Alone [3.15]

Arnie Pye: This is Arnie Pye with Arnie in the Sky! We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge people. Traffic is held waaaaaaaaay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm because I just dropped my bagel!

---

Selma: Lisa, you'll sleep in my bed. Bart, you'll be sleeping with your Aunt Patty.

Bart: ...In your bed?

Patty: Uh-huh. And just a warning: I'm told I snore.

[Patty and Selma chuckle. Bart and Lisa quickly grab each others hand]

Patty: Oh! "Divorce Court" is on in five minutes!

[They get up and leave.]

Bart: I'm scared, Lisa.

Lisa: You think you know fear? Well, I've seen them naked!

[Bart screams]

[edit] Bart the Lover [3.16]

Bart: Hey, Lis. Suppose I'm writing a second letter to a girl and I already used up my "A" material. What should I say?

Lisa: Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? Who is she, Bart? Is it Sherri?

Bart: No.

Lisa: Is it Terri?

Bart: No.

Lisa: Is it that girl with the lazy-eye patch?

Bart: No.

Lisa: Is it that exchange student, Mx!pa?

Bart: No! It's... homework.

Lisa: Yeah, right! "Hey, Bart! Let's do some 'homework!'"

[Lisa makes kissy faces at Bart until he shoves her over.]

---

[At the Flanders dinner table...]

Maude: Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables?

Todd: Hell, no.

[The rest of the Flanders's all gasp.]

Ned: What did you say?

Todd: I said I don't want any damn vegetables.

Ned: Well, that's it, young man! No Bible stories for you tonight!

[Todd runs upstairs crying.]

Maude: Don't you think you were a little hard on him, Dear?

Ned: Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.

[edit] Homer at the Bat [3.17]

[Umpire talking to the captains before the game.]

Umpire: Okay, let's go over the ground rules. You can't leave first until you chug a beer. Any man scoring has to chug a beer. You have to chug a beer at the top of all odd-numbered innings. Oh, and the fourth inning is the beer inning.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, we know how to play softball!

---

Marge: What makes you think this Darryl Strawberry character is better than you?

Homer: Marge, forget it. He's bigger than me, smarter than me, faster than me, stronger than me, and he already has more friends around the plant than I do.

Bart: You make me sick, Homer! You're the one who told me I could be the best at anything if I just put my mind to it!

Homer: Well, now that you're a little bit older, I can tell you that's a crock! No matter how good you are at something, there's always about a million people better than you.

Bart: Gotcha. Can't win, don't try.

[edit] Separate Vocations [3.18]

Lisa: Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

---

Bart: Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker.

Skinner: Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court.

Bart: Pfft! Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately?

Skinner: Let's move.

[edit] Dog of Death [3.19]

Chief Wiggum: No, you got the wrong number. This is nine-one... two.

---

Smithers: People like dogs, Mr. Burns.

Burns: Nonsense! Dogs are idiots. Think about it, Smithers: if I came into your house and started sniffing at your crotch and slobbering all over your face, what would you say?

Smithers: [pause] If you did it, Sir?

[edit] Colonel Homer [3.20]

Homer: I can't get your song out of my mind. I haven't felt this way since "Funkytown!" Can I get a copy?

Lurleen: [pointing to her noggin] Sorry, Homer. All my songs are up here: "I'm Basting a Turkey With my Tears," "Don't Look Up my Dress Unless You Mean It," "I'm Sick of Your Lying Lips and False Teeth..."

---

Marge: [after seeing Lurleen] I thought you said she was overweight.

Homer: Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

[edit] Black Widower [3.21]

Patty: You see, Aunt Selma has this crazy obsession with not dying alone. So, in desperation, she joined this prison pen-pal program. Her new sweetie's a jailbird.

Bart: Cool! He can teach us how to kill a man with a lunch tray.

---

Marge: Now, now, he's an ex-convict! He's paid his debt to society!

Patty: Then how come you're not using the good silverware?

Marge: I'm just not.

[edit] The Otto Show [3.22]

Marge: Why don't you go and live with your parents?

Otto: Oh, the admiral and I don't get along. Please let me stay here. I've got nowhere else to go!

Homer: Forget it. That line didn't work for my dad, and it's not gonna work for you.

---

Bart: What are you going to do, Otto?

Otto: Oh, don't worry. There's plenty of money out there for a guy who knows how to fake his own death.

Marge: Well, maybe you should take the driver's test again?

Otto: Oh, I can't pass that thing. I got a zero last time; this time I'm hung over!

Bart: You can do it, Otto. You're the coolest adult I've ever met.

Otto: Wow! I've never been called an adult before. I've been tried as one, but... I'll do it!

[edit] Bart's Friend Falls in Love [3.23]

[about his Magic Eight Ball]

Milhouse: You shake it up, and it tells the future!

Bart: Really? Will I pass my English test? [shakes the ball] "Outlook Not So Good." Wow, it does work!

Milhouse: Let me try. Will I get beat up today? [shakes the ball] "All Signs Point To Yes."

Nelson: That ball knows everything. [bashes Milhouse on the head.]

---

Lisa: Dad, do you know what today is?

Homer: The vernal equinox?

Lisa: No! It's been two weeks since you got that tape. Let's get you on the scale! [Homer gets on the scale] You've gained thirteen pounds.

Homer: Disingenuous mountebanks with their subliminal chicanery! A pox on them!

[edit] Brother Can You Spare Two Dimes? [3.24]

Bart: And now, the next event in our Living Room Olympics, the always controversial Couch Vault. [gruff voice] I do this for Stainmaster carpets, proud sponsor of the Living Room Olympics.

[To Olympics-knockoff music, Bart vaults over Homer's couch using a broom. But he doesn't make it, and causes the couch to collapse in several pieces, just as Homer walks in.]

Homer: What the hell are you kids-?! [sees the ruined couch] AAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Oh, my beautiful couch! The seats! The arms! The dream is over! [to Bart and Lisa, angrily] All right, who did this?!

Bart: We were just sitting on the couch quietly chatting when we heard a creaking noise.

Lisa: We leapt off just in time to see it collapse. [puts her head on Bart's shoulder, as if in shock]

Bart: ["comforting" her] There, there. You're safe now, little sister.

---

[At Homer's hastily-concocted award ceremony]

Lisa: This show is the biggest farce I ever saw!

Bart: What about the Emmys?

Lisa: I stand corrected.

[edit] Season 4

[edit] Kamp Krusty [4.01]

Homer: Son. If you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Quiet! They're gonna announce the lottery numbers.

---

Lisa: You're serving us gruel?

Dolph: Not quite. [pulls out a large drum of gruel with Krusty's face on the front] This is Krusty-Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference.

[edit] A Streetcar Named Marge [4.02]

Llewelyn Sinclair: I'm not an easy man to work for. While directing Hats Off to Chanukkah, I reduced more than one cast member to tears. Did I expect too much from fourth graders? The review "Play enjoyed by all"... [holds up an elementary school newspaper with said headline] speaks for itself.

---

Bart: Are there any jive talking robots in the play?

Marge: No.

Homer: Bart, don't ask stupid questions. Is there any frontal nudity?

Marge: No Homer.

[edit] Homer the Heretic [4.03]

Marge: Homer, don't make me chose between my man and my God, because you just can't win.

Homer: There you are. Always taking someone else's side; Flanders, the water department, God...

---

[God just appeared in Homer's dream ripping the roof off his house. Homer is surprised]

Homer: God?

God: [points finger at Homer] THOU HAST FORSAKEN MY CHURCH!

Homer: But Lord, I am not a bad man. I work hard and provide for the welfare of my family. So why should I be forced to spend half my Sunday listening about how I am going to Hell anyway?

God: You have a good point there. Sometimes, even I would rather be watching football. Does Saint Louis still have a team?

Homer: No. They moved to Phoenix.

[edit] Lisa the Beauty Queen [4.04]

Marge: Lisa, I know a song that will cheer you up. [sings] There once was an ugly duckling...

Lisa: [frowning] So you think I'm ugly?!

Marge: No, I meant you were one of the good-looking ducks [looks uncertain] that makes fun of the ugly one. Mmmm...

---

Kent Brockman: The father of the deposed beauty queen, Homer Simpson, filled out the pageant application incorrectly. In the area under "do not write in this space" he wrote "OK."

[edit] Treehouse of Horror III [4.05]

Mr. Burns: [about bringing Marge along on their voyage] What do you think, Smithers?

Smithers: I think women and seamen don't mix.

Mr. Burns: We know what you think.

---

Lisa: Thank God we didn't turn into a bunch of mindless zombies.

Bart: Shhh! TV!

[The family stare blankly at the television. A thud is heard, followed by a laugh track.]

Homer: Man... fall down. Funny.

Family: Mmmmmm...

[edit] Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie [4.06]

Marge: We're going to school for the Parent/Teacher meetings. We'll bring dinner home.

Lisa: What are you going to bring home?

Homer: Well it depends. If both of you have been good, pizza. If not then poison.

Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?

Bart: Poisoned pizza?

Homer: Oh no! I'm not making two stops.

---

Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?

Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?

Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!

Homer: Now who's being naïve?

[edit] Marge Gets a Job [4.07]

Smithers: This résumé is very impressive. Let me be the first to say Abibu gazini.

Marge: What?

Smithers: "Welcome aboard." I guess my Swahili's not as good as yours.

---

Mr Burns: Marge, I'm giving you a raise and a new office. Right next to mine! [laughs]

Smithers: But sir, that's my office!

Mr Burns: Don't worry Smithers, I'm putting you where the action is.

[At a men's restroom, Smithers is cleaning the urinals]

Smithers: Sweet, scoured, and white. What could be better?

Homer: [enters restroom, ready to urinate] Oh man, I gotta be ready-

Smithers: NOOOO!!!!!

[edit] New Kid on the Block [4.08]

[Bart and Lisa are fighting while Homer is on the phone with a babysitter.]

Homer: [to Bart and Lisa] SHUT UP, YOU LITTLE MONSTERS! [to the phone] I was wondering if you'd like to babysit my little angels.

[On the other end of the line...]

Woman: I'm sorry, this isn't Abby. This is her sister. I look after her now.

[Abby rocks in her chair and mumbles quietly to herself.]

Abby: No, Bart... put it down... put it down, Bart... put it down...

---

Homer: You see, son, a woman is a lot like... err... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds... they... make ice... uhhh... oh! Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! [drains his beer] But you can't stop at one, you wanna drink another woman! [runs to the fridge]

[edit] Mr. Plow [4.09]

Homer: It may be on a lousy channel, but The Simpsons are on TV!

---

Homer: [angry] Mr. West, you said there was a a job for me.

Adam West: There was. When I called you, [camera zooms in dramatically] forty five minutes ago!

Barney: So long, Superman, your secret identity is safe with me.

[edit] Lisa's First Word [4.10]

Bart: What was my first word?

Marge: Hmmm...

[Flashback to baby Bart walking on his parents having sex]

Baby Bart: Ay caramba!

[Returns to present]

Marge: I don't think I remember.

---

Marge: I'm afraid we're gonna need a bigger house.

Homer: No, we won't. I got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib, and Bart can sleep with us until he's 21.

Marge: Won't that warp him?

Homer: My cousin Frank did it.

Marge: You don't have a cousin Frank.

Homer: He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

[edit] Homer's Triple Bypass [4.11]

Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV generation.

Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.

Homer: Really? What's it like?

Lisa: Meh. [shrugs].

---

Krusty the Clown: Hey hey! Hoo hoo ha ha ha!

Homer{aggravated}: Aah...heart! {Homer's heart recovers}

Krusty the Clown: Sorry about that! {Krusty unbuttons his shirt to show scars on chest} I'm in the Zipper Club myself. I'm here to entertain patients as part of my community service after that glug glug vroom vroom thud thud.

Homer: Krusty, you look pretty healthy. How could you have had a heart problem like me?

Krusty: I got news for you. This ain't makeup!

[edit] Marge vs. the Monorail [4.12]

Marge, suspicious of Lyle Langley, decides to take a long drive to investigate

Lyle Langely{image in Marge's mind}: I have sold monorails to Brockway, Ogdenville, and North Haverbrook.

Apu{image in Marge's mind}: Is there a chance the track could bend?

Homer{image in Marge's mind}: I call the big one Bitey.

Marge arrives in North Haverbrook. She sees a sign that says "Welcome to North Haverbrook, Where the Monorail is King!" Marge sees decrepit houses, old rusted cars and tumbleweeds. Marge hardly sees any people save for a crazy old lady in a rocking chair on her front porch

Old Lady: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Marge then goes to the town center to investigate the monorail, and is shocked to see a crumbling track and a wrecked monorail

Woman: Go away, lady! There ain't no monorail here and there never was!

Woman slams her window shut, which reads "Monorail Café". A strange looking man approaches Marge, which startles her

Sebastian Cobb: I am sorry, I should not have stalked you like that. My name is Sebastian Cobb. I was hired by Lyle Langley to build this monorail. This is the monorail, one of the crappiest trains ever built. Langley cuts corners like no fraud has ever done. The brakes were removed, the electrical system was gutted, and the celebrity for its maiden voyage was Gallagher!

---

Marge: How fast are they going?

Homer: Eeeeeyaaaaaaai! (super fast as monorail whizzes by platform)

Cobb: [looking at watch] Well, judging by your husband's cowardly scream, a hundred eighty miles an hour.

[edit] Selma's Choice [4.13]

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.

Lisa: I understand.

Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.

Homer: But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Marge: Homer, quit pouting!

Homer: I'm not pouting! I'm mourning! ...Stupid dead woman.

---

(Two security guards come in, escorting Lisa, pale, edgy, and clad in only a towel)

Security Guard: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.

Lisa: I am the Lizard Queen!

[A man in a lab coat hands Selma a couple of pills.]

Man: Give her this... (a couple more pills) Then this... (a whole pocketful of pills) And then these.

Selma: Mmmm... thank you, doctor.

Man: Oh, I'm not a doctor.

[edit] Brother from the Same Planet [4.14]

Pepi: Your son Bart sounds very bad.

Homer: Oh, he is.

[Fantasy sequence: Homer and Bart sit at the breakfast table.]

Homer: Son, I just want to say that I love you very much.

Bart: (picks up his grapefruit & hits Homer's face with it) SHADDUP!

[Back in reality.]

Homer: Mmmm.... grapefruit.

---

Kent Brockman: This just in, a fist-fight is in process in downtown Springfield. Initial reports indicate, and these are very preliminary, that one of the fighters is a giant lizard.

[shot of Godzilla appears in the background.]

Kent Brockman: Do we have a source on this? Uh-huh, a bunch of drunken frat boys. All right we could use some names. "I.P Freely." Uh... GRRR!

[edit] I Love Lisa [4.15]

[Ralph is with his father at home, and wants to know how to get Lisa's attention. Chief Wiggum is breaking nuts out of their shells.]

Ralph: Dad, how do you get a girl to like you?

Chief Wiggum: Son, (cracks a nut with the butt of his revolver) whether you want to win a girl or crack a nut, the key is persistence; (cracks a nut) keep at it, and never lose your cool.

[Chief Wiggum tries to crack a third nut, but the shell doesn't break.]

Chief Wiggum: (losing patience) Ah, come on, you stupid...!

[Chief Wiggum loads his gun up and shoots the nut.]

Chief Wiggum: (angrily) Let that be a lesson to the rest of you... nuts!

---

[Chief Wiggum pulls Homer over]

Homer: Is there a problem, officer?

Chief Wiggum: Yep. Got a tail-light out.

Homer: Where?!

Chief Wiggum: [Smashing a tail-light] Right there.

Homer: [Angrily] You know, one day, honest citizens are gonna stand up to you crooked cops!

Chief Wiggum: [Alarmed] They are?! Oh no! Have they set a date?!

[edit] Duffless [4.16]

[at the Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]

Otto: My name is Ot-to. I love to get blot-to!

Hans Moleman: My name is Hans. Drinking has ruined my life. I'm 31 years old!

Homer: My name is Homer and I'm just here because the Court made me come.

Lovejoy: Homer, with our help you´ll never touch a beer again.

[Homer screams and jumps through the window]

---

[Watching Ralph's "alcohol fueled Car" science fair display]

Homer: Hmm, alcohol fueled car....

[Within a thought, Homer is fueling an alcohol fueled car at a gas station]

Homer: One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me! [pumps fuel into his mouth] One for you, [pumps fuel into car] one for me! [pumps fuel into his mouth]

[edit] Last Exit to Springfield [4.17]

Dr. Wolfe: How often do you brush, Ralph?

Ralph: Three times a day, sir.

Dr. Wolfe: Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?

Ralph: You're right. I don't brush. [starts to cry] I don't brush!

Dr. Wolfe: Let's look at a picture book. The "Big Book of British Smiles."

[Dr. Wolfe takes out a book and shows Ralph page after page of decaying, rotten British smiles.]

Ralph: [crying] That's enough! That's enough.

---

Factory Worker: You can't treat the working man this way! One day, we'll form a union and get the fair and equitable treatment we deserve! Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless, and the Japanese will eat us alive!

Burns's Grandfather: The Japanese? Those sandal-wearing goldfish-tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!

Mr. Burns: [to Smithers, in the present] If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

[edit] So It's Come to This: A Simpsons Clip Show [4.18]

[Just a moment before Homer opens the can of beer Bart had shaken up with a paint mixer.]

Bart: April f- (An explosion of beer blasts out of the windows and chimney of the Simpsons' house and takes the shape of a mushroom cloud.)

(Lou and Chief Wiggum stop the police car)

Lou: That sounded like an explosion at the old Simpson place.

Chief Wiggum: Forget it. That's two blocks away.

Lou: Looks like there's beer coming out of the chimney.

(Wiggum gets out of the car)

Chief Wiggum: I am proceeding on foot. Call in a Code 8.

Lou: [into radio] We need pretzels. Repeat, pretzels.

---

Bart: Dad, it was my fault. I shook up that can of beer. I'm sorry.

[Life support machine starts to change from showing Homer's life signs to outlines of Bart. His mouth begins to form a growl, his fingers twitch and his eyes slowly open in anger]

Homer: WHY YOU LITTLE!!!! [Grabs Bart and proceeds to strangle him]

[edit] The Front [4.19]

Lisa: That's as bad as the tasteless "Itchy & Sambo" cartoons of the late thirties! The writers should be ashamed of themselves!

Bart: Cartoons have writers?

Lisa: Eh, sort of.

---

Lisa: (to Grampa) So, we wrote the cartoon, put your name on it and sent it in.

Bart: Didn't you wonder why you were getting checks for doing absolutely nothing?

Grampa: I figured, cause the Democrats were in power again.

[edit] Whacking Day [4.20]

[Bart and the bullies make their way to Utility Basement B looking for Mountain Bikes.]

Nelson: Hey what gives? Where are the mountain bikes?

[Principal Skinner shows up.]

Skinner: Sorry about the ruse gentlemen. You're being swept under the rug for the superintendent's visit. Enjoy! [closes the door and locks them in.]

Jimbo: How are we going to get out of here?

Nelson: And when are we going to get our mountain bikes?

---

[Springfield residents track down the snakes to the Simpson place but Lisa wants a stop to the killing]

Lisa: Now wait a minute! How could you do this to snakes after all they've done for you?

Grandpa: I'm an old man. I hate everything but Matlock! Ooh, it's on now!

Lisa: Mrs Glick, who killed all the rats in your basement?

Mrs Glick: Snakes did.

Bart: And you love snakes, don't you Mr White?

Barry White: I love the sexy slither of a lady snake. Hooo baby.

[edit] Marge in Chains [4.21]

Ned: Oh, the network slogan is true! Watch Fox and be damned for all eternity!

---

Hutz: Your Honor, my client claims that she simply forgot she was carrying this bottle of... delicious bourbon... brownest of the brown liquors... so tempting... [puts the bottle to his ear] What's that? You want me to drink you? But I'm in the middle of a trial!

[edit] Krusty Gets Kancelled [4.22]

Krusty: Every time you watch my show, I'll send you $40! [holds up check to audience].

Man: [quick voice-over] Checks will not be honored.

---

Gabbo: Now it's time for another one of Gabbo's Crank Calls! Oh I love these!

Bart: I can't believe it. He stole this bit from Krusty.

Lisa: Yeah well Krusty stole it from Steve Allen.

Grandpa: Well everythings stolen nowadays. Why the fax machine is nothing but a waffle iron with a phone attached.

[edit] Season 5

[edit] Homer's Barbershop Quartet [5.01]

[at the Springfield Swap Meet]

Mayor Quimby: (sotto voice) Human roaches... feeding off each other's garbage. The only thing you can't buy here is dignity! (into the microphone) Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron! (sotto voice again) I need a drink and a shower...

---

[The Be Sharps are at the Grammys.]

Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!

David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?

Barney: You're a musician?

[edit] Cape Feare [5.02]

Marge: Lisa, you got a letter.

Lisa: It's from my pen pal, Anya!

[As Lisa reads, the letter writer's voice can be heard in voice over.]

Anya: "Dear Lisa - as I write this, I am very sad. Our president has been overthrown and...

Gruff male voice: ...replaced by the benevolent General Krull. All hail Krull and his glorious new regime! Sincerely, Little Girl."

---

Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.

Marge: [indignantly] I'm pretty sure there is!

Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle...

Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief.

[Lou shows Chief Wiggum a book called "Springfield Law"]

Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's also illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.

[Cut to Eddie with squirrels in his pants while the other cops watch and laugh, rolling dice]

Wiggum: Boys, knock it off!

[edit] Homer Goes to College [5.03]

[The plant melting down, Mr. Burns gets into escape pod and shuts Smithers out.]

Smithers: For the love of God, sir, there are two seats!

Burns: I like to put my feet up.

---

Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: I'm still not sure how he caused the meltdown. There wasn't any nuclear material in the truck!!

Burns: Oh, very well, it's time for your bribe. Now, you can either have the washer and dryer where the lovely Smithers is standing, or you can trade it all in for what's in this box.

Nuclear Regulatory Commission agent: The box! The box!

[edit] Rosebud [5.04]

Homer: [with a large bump on his head] Where did I lose them? I'll never wiggle my bare butt in public again!

Lisa: I'd like to believe that this time. I really would.

Marge: Bart, run down to the store and get a bag of ice for your father.

Bart: Yes'm. Dad, I know you're discouraged but please don't deny the world your fat can.

Homer: Don't worry, boy. He'll be ready for your Aunt Selma's birthday.

Lisa: I knew it.

---

Smithers: Look at all the wonderful things you have, Mr. Burns: King Arthur's Excalibur, the only existing nude photo of Mark Twain, and that rare first draft of the Constitution with the word "suckers" in it.

[edit] Treehouse of Horror IV [5.05]

Lisa: Dad, Mr Burns is a vampire, and he has Bart!

Mr. Burns: Why, Bart is right here!

Bart: (in monotone, looking unusually pale) Hello, mother. Hello, father. I missed you during my uneventful absence.

Homer: Oh Lisa, you and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now let's go back to that... building... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

---

Lisa: The only way to save Bart is to kill the head vampire, Mr. Burns!

Homer: Kill my boss?! Do I dare to live out the American dream?

[edit] Marge on the Lam [5.06]

Rescue Worker: Homer, there's no easy way to put this, but we're going to have to saw your arms off.

Homer: They'll grow back, right?

Rescue Worker: Oh... yeah.

Homer: Whew.

---

Bart: You're absolutely right, Homer. We don't need a babysitter!

Homer: [suspicious] Wait a second...

[Pulls a paper from his pocket: "Always do the opposite of what Bart says"]

Homer: Hmm...you kids do need a babysitter!

Bart: Blast that infernal card! [to Homer] Don't give that card to me.

Homer: Here you g- [pulls back] No!

[edit] Bart's Inner Child [5.07]

Troy McClure: Hi! I'm Troy McClure! You might remember me from such self-help videos as 'Smoke Yourself Thin' and 'Get Confident, Stupid!'

---

Brad Goodman: I want you all to close your eyes and listen to your inner child. Listen, what's he saying?

Ned's Inner Child: Stay on the course Big Ned, you're doin' super! [Ned smiles]

Homer's Inner Child: [points to his mouth] Food goes in here!

Homer: It sure does.

Moe's Inner Child: [in Italian accent] Hey-a Moe, what's-tha mattah? Ya no talkin' wit ya accent-a no more.

Moe: [slaps face] MAMMA-MIA!!

[edit] Boy-Scoutz N the Hood [5.08]

Homer: Marge, don't discourage the boy. Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

---

Milhouse: You're lucky. You only joined the Junior Campers. I got a dirty word shaved into the back of my head.

(Skinner walks by and stops when he sees the unseen "dirty word" in the back of Milhouse's head)

Principal Skinner: What is it with you kids and that word? (grabs Milhouse) I'm going to shave you bald, young man, until you learn that hair is not a right, it's a privilege!

[edit] The Last Temptation of Homer [5.09]

[Charlie is explaining to Mr Burns about the gas leak.]

Charlie: Well, sir, I won't bore you with the details of our miraculous escape, but we desperately need a real emergency exit!

Burns: Why, that's a fabulous idea. Anything else you'd like? How about real lead in the radiation shields? Urinal cakes, maybe? (hands Smithers a notebook) Smithers, throw this at him!

[Smithers throws the book at Charlie, and Burns presses a button. A tube covers Charlie and sucks him upwards.]

Burns: Smithers, where does that tube go?

Smithers: I'm not sure, sir; it was here when we first moved in.

---

Homer: Moe, I need advice. You see I have this friend called Joey Jojo...Junior...Shabadoo.

Moe: That's the worst name I ever heard.

[A man in the bar leaves crying. Barney runs after him.]

Barney: Hey, Joey Jojo!

[edit] $pringfield (Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Legalized Gambling) [5.10]

Kent Brockman: Scott, things aren't as happy as they used to be down here at the Unemployment Office, joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors... now at the risk of sounding unpopular, this reporter places the blame for all of this squarely on you (pointing at the camera) the viewers!

---

Lisa: Dad! You shouldn't wear glasses that weren't prescribed for you!

Homer: (looking at Bart) Lisa just because you're ten feet tall doesn't mean you can tell me what to do.

Mr. Burns:We can ride in the spruce moose! (grabs model) Hop in Smithers!

Smithers::But sir.....

Mr. Burns:(cocks pistol) I said hop in.....

[edit] Homer the Vigilante [5.11]

Lisa: Bart's pain is funny, but mine isn't.

---

Kent Brockman: Hordes of panicky people seem to be evacuating the town for some unknown reason. Professor, without knowing precisely what the danger is, would you say it's time for our viewers to crack each other's heads open and feast on the goo inside?

Professor: Mmm, yes I would, Kent.

[edit] Bart Gets Famous [5.12]

[Marge convinces Bart to perform one more time.]

Bart: You're right, Mom. I shouldn't let this bother me. I'm in television now. It's my job to be repetitive. My job. My job. Repetitiveness is my job. (To Marge) I'm gonna go out there and give the best performance of my life!

Marge: The best performance of your life?

Bart: The best performance of my life!

---

Lisa: And now you can go back to just being you, instead of a one-dimensional character with a silly catch-phrase.

Homer: (breaking a lamp) D'oh!

Bart: Ay, caramba!

Marge: (groans)

Maggie: (sucks her pacifier)

Flanders: Hi-dilly-ho!

Barney: (belches)

Nelson: Ha, ha!

Burns: Excellent!

[Long pause. Everyone looks expectantly at Lisa.]

Lisa: If anyone wants me, I'll be in my room.

Homer: What kind of catch phrase is that!?

[edit] Homer and Apu [5.13]

Homer: Your old meat made me sick!

Apu: Oh I am so sorry. Please accept five pounds of frozen shrimp as an apology.

Homer: This shrimp isn't frozen! And it smells funny!

Apu: Okay, ten pounds.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

---

Homer: Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish that Flanders was dead.

[edit] Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy [5.14]

[Smithers turns his computer on. A bitmapped Mr. Burns (shown naked from the shoulders up) appears]

Mr. Burns: [in stilted speech] Hello, Smithers. You're quite good at tur-ning me-on.

Smithers: [to Lisa] Um... you probably should ignore that.

---

[Lisa pressures Stacy Lovell about Malibu Stacy]

Stacy: I see exactly what you mean; this is a problem. But what do you expect me to do?

Lisa: Change what she says. It's your company.

Stacy: Not since I was forced out in 1974. They said my way of thinking just wasn't cost effective.

Lisa: [gasps] That's awful.

Stacy: Well, that — and I was funneling profits to the Viet Cong.

[edit] Deep Space Homer [5.15]

Stillwater: People, we're in danger of losing our funding. America isn't interested in space exploration anymore.

Babcock: Maybe we should finally tell them the big secret, that all the chimps we sent into space came back super intelligent.

(A chair swivels around, revealing a chimp in a suit, wearing glasses, and smoking a pipe.)

Chimp: (arrogant; English accent) No, I don't think we'll be telling them that.

---

Reporter: Uh, question for the barbecue chef: Don't you think there is an inherent danger in sending underqualified civilians into space?

Homer: I'll field this one. The only danger is if they send us to that terrible Planet of the Apes.

(Homer thinks for a moment and realises something.)

Homer: Wait a minute, Statue of Liberty - that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

[edit] Homer Loves Flanders [5.16]

[Ned is driving Homer to the game, passing Lenny and Carl]

Homer:Oh no! (pushes Ned down) I can't let the boys see me with you.

Ned:What?

Homer: Hi. (the car goes past Lenny and Carl)

Lenny: Hey! Homer's got one of those robot cars.

[the car crashes offscreen]

Carl: One of those American robot cars.

---

[Mr. Burns talking to football players before the game]

Mr. Burns: Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because.. I crippled him myself to inspire you.

[cuts to Milhouse lying in a hospital bed with a broken leg and his parents at his side]

Milhouse: I hope they win or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

[Kirk and Luann look at each other worried]

[edit] Bart Gets an Elephant [5.17]

(Homer, Bart, and Lisa discuss their plans after breakfast)

Bart: After breakfast, me and Milhouse are goin' down to the ravine. We got a tip from a five-year-old that there's a dead Martian down there.

Lisa: And I'm going to jam with the Little White Girls Blues Quartet. (to Homer): Wanna come with me, Daddy-o?

Homer: Sorry, honey. I'd love to, but Daddy has to go to a beer-drinking contest.

Bart: Think you'll win?

Homer: Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose; it's how drunk you get.

---

Lisa: Dad, you can't sell Stampy to him, I'm pretty sure he's an ivory dealer, his boots are ivory, his hat is ivory, his pen is ivory and I'm pretty sure that cheque is ivory!

Homer: Lisa, a guy who's got lots of ivory is less likely to hurt Stampy than a guy whose ivory supplies are low.

---

[A suspicious candidate shows up to make an offer for Bart's elephant, Stampy.]

Lisa: Mr. Blackheart?

Blackheart: Yes, my pretty?

Lisa: Are you an ivory dealer?

Blackheart: [laughs] Well, little girl, I've had lots of jobs in my day: whale-hunter, seal-clubber, president of the Fox network, and, like most people, yeah, I've dealt a little ivory.

[edit] Burns' Heir [5.18]

Smithers: Oh my god, Mr. Burns is dead! (Starts crying) Why do the good have to die so young?

---

Homer: Or what? You'll release the dogs, or the bees, or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark they shoot bees at you?

[edit] Sweet Seymour Skinner's Badasssss Song [5.19]

Chalmers: Seymour, you're fired.

Skinner: Did you just call me a liar?

Chalmers: No, I said you were fired.

Skinner: Oh, that's much worse.

---

Bart: Come on, Chalmie, you fired Skinner for less than this.

Chalmers: Yeah, I did, but... Skinner really bugged me! Besides, the way America's public schools are sliding, they'll all be this way in a few months. I say, lay back and enjoy it! It's a hell of a toboggan ride.

Ned: (over PA) Well, cockly-doodly-doo, little buddies. Let's thank the Lord for another beautiful school day.

Chalmers: Thank the Lor - thank the Lord? That sounded like a prayer. A prayer. A prayer in a public school! God has no place within these walls, just like facts have no place within organized religion. Simpson, you get your wish: Flanders is history!

[edit] The Boy Who Knew Too Much [5.20]

Homer: [lowering a table out of the window then drops it] Got it, Barn?

Barney: [offscreen, below hotel] Got what? [table drops on his head] Ow!

Skinner: You're stealing a table?

Homer: I'm not stealing it. Hotels expect you to take a few things. It's a souvenir!

Skinner: Ah... Is that my necktie you're wearing?

Homer: Souvenir.

---

Bart: Mom, what if there's a really bad, crummy guy who's going to jail, but I know he's innocent?

Marge: Well Bart, your Uncle Arthur used to have a saying: "Shoot 'em all and let God sort them out." Unfortunately, one day he put his theory into practice. It took seventy-five Federal Marshals to bring him down. Now let's never speak of this again.

Bart: Mom, what if I can get this guy off the hook? Should I do it?

Marge: Honey, you should listen to your heart and not the voices in your head like a certain uncle did one grave December morn.

[edit] Lady Bouvier's Lover [5.21]

Marge: Homer! You didn't do a very good job frosting Maggie's birthday cake!

[The cake reads, "Happy Birthday Magaggie."]

Homer: What? It's not Magaggie's birthday?

---

Homer: If he marries your mother, Marge, we'll be brother and sister. And then our kids... they'll be horrible freaks with pink skin, no overbites, and five fingers on each hand!

[Homer imagines the freakish kids]

Homer: Aaah!

[edit] Secrets of a Successful Marriage [5.22]

[Homer and Marge are discussing ways for Homer to better himself]

Homer: Oh... and how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home wine-making course and I forgot how to drive?

Marge: That's because you were drunk.

Homer: And how.

---

Rev. and Mrs. Lovejoy are talking to Marge

Rev. Lovejoy: Get a divorce.

Helen Lovejoy: Mmm-hmm.

Marge: But isn't that a sin?

Rev. Lovejoy: Marge, just about everything is a sin. [Holds up a Bible] You ever sat down and read this thing? Technically, we're not allowed to go to the bathroom.

[edit] Season 6

[edit] Bart of Darkness [6.01]

(after hearing a woman scream from inside Flanders's house, Bart looks outside and sees him digging a hole in his yard)

Bart: This can't be what it looks like. There's gotta be some other explanation!

Ned Flanders: I wish there was some other explanation for this. But there isn't. I'm a murderer, I'm a murderer!

Bart: Then that's not the real Ned Flanders.

Ned Flanders: I'm a mur-diddly-urdler!

Bart: If that's not Flanders, he's done his homework.

---

Automated phone: Hello, and welcome to the Springfield Police Department "Rescue Phone"! If you know the name of the felony being committed, press one. To choose from a list of felonies, press two. If you are being murdered, or are calling from a rotary phone, please stay on the line.

[Bart presses four numbers on the phone]

Automated phone: You have selected "regicide!" If you know the name of the King or Queen being murdered, press one.

[Bart hangs up]

[edit] Lisa's Rival [6.02]

Homer: (spoken with strong Cuban accent) In America, first you get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women.

---

Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don't come in tomorrow, don't bother coming in Monday.

Homer: Whoo-hoo! Four-day weekend!

[edit] Another Simpsons Clip Show [6.03]

Bart and Lisa are watching Itchy and Scratchy. Marge enters (in reused footage from earlier episode)

Marge: How many times can you laugh at that cat getting hit by the moon?

Bart: It's a new episode.

Lisa: Not exactly. They pieced it together from old shows, but it seems new to the trusting eyes of impressionable youth.

Bart: (switches to new footage) Really?

Lisa: Ren and Stimpy do it all the time.

Marge: Yes, they do, but when was the last time you heard anyone talk about Ren and Stimpy?

---

Lisa: Mom, romance is dead. It was acquired by Hallmark and Disney in a hostile takeover, homogenized, and sold off piece by piece.

[edit] Itchy & Scratchy Land [6.04]

Lisa: Dad! Remember when we asked you if we could go to Itchy & Scratchy Land and you said it'd be too damned expensive?

Homer: Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just bought, fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book, everyone's a sinner. Except for this guy.

---

Homer: Ah, the Interstate. Fasten your seat belts, kids: we're on our way to Itchy and Scratchy Land!

[Pulls up to highway... which is gridlocked]

Everyone: D'oh!

Homer: Don't worry, I've got an ace up my sleeve.

[honks horn]

[edit] Sideshow Bob Roberts [6.05]

Sideshow Bob: I'm in jail for a crime I didn't even commit. Ha! "Attempted murder?" I mean, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry? [someone throws a toilet that nearly hits Bob] Oh, really now! This is a personal call!

---

Bart: Oh, no! The dead have risen and are voting Republican!

[edit] Bart's Girlfriend [6.06]

[Bart walks past the kitchen table with Snowball II stuck to his back.]

Marge: Have you noticed any change in Bart?

Homer: New glasses?

Marge: No... he looks like something might be disturbing him.

Homer: Probably misses his old glasses.

Marge: I guess we could get more involved in Bart's activities but then I'd be afraid of smothering him.

Homer: Yeah, and then we'd get the chair.

Marge: That's not what I meant.

Homer: It was, Marge, admit it.

---

Bart's Brain: Alright, your're innocent. Just tell the truth and they'll understand.

Bart: I-

Helen Lovejoy: Took the money, we know.

Moe: He confessed!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror V [6.07]

[Marge discovers that Homer has written "No Beer and No TV Make Homer Go Crazy" all over the house]

Homer: What do you think, Marge? All I need is a title. I'm thinking of calling it "No Beer and No TV Make Homer... something something".

Marge: [fearfully] Go crazy?

Homer: DON'T MIND IF I DO!!

---

[Homer chops through a door with an axe]

Homer: Here's Johnny! [notices the room is empty] D'oh! [chops through a different door] Daaaavid Lettermaaan! [sees grandpa]

Abe: Hi David, I'm Grandpa.

Homer: D'oh!

[Homer chops through a different door with a ticking clock in hand]

Homer: I'm Mike Wallace, I'm Morley Safer, and I'm Ed Bradley! All this and Andy Rooney tonight on 60 Minutes!!

Family: AAAAAAAHHH!!

---

Homer: [Sitting in the snow with a small portable TV] Urge to kill fading... fading... fading... rising! Fading... fading... gone.

[The family sighs.]]

Homer: Come, family. Sit in the snow with Daddy and let us all bask in television's warm, glowing, warming glow!

[later]

TV: Live from Broadway, it's the Tony Awards, with your special hosts, Tyne Daly and Hal Lynden!

Bart: Homer... change channel!

Homer: Can't... frozen!

[singing starts on TV]

Family: AAAAH!

Homer: Urge to kill rising...

---

Skinner: I'm going to enjoy devouring you, Bart Simpson. Yes... I believe I'll start, as you've so often suggested, by... eating your shorts.

[edit] Lisa on Ice [6.08]

Homer: Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else - and it hasn't - it's that girls should stick to girls' sports, such as hot-oil wrestling, foxy boxing, and such-and-such.

---

Homer: (Bart must take a penalty shot against Lisa) Oh my God, Marge, a penalty shot with four seconds left! The winner will be showered with praises, and the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!

[edit] Homer: Bad Man [6.09]

TV announcer: "Tonight on FOX, Homer Simpson, Portrait of an Assgrabber," starring Dennis Franz.

Homer: Ooh, "Portrait," sounds classy!

[On TV, a car drives erratically down the street. A crazed Dennis Franz is behind the wheel. He is about to drive over a cat.]

Ashley: No, Mr. Simpson! A cat is a living creature!

Dennis Franz as Homer: I don't care!

[He hits the cat, who screeches loudly. He stops the car and eyes Ashley lustfully.]'

Dennis Franz as Homer: Now I'm gonna grab me some sweet!

Ashley: Mr. Simpson, that's sexual harassment! If you keep it up, I'll scream so loud the whole country will hear!

Dennis Franz as Homer: With a man in the White House? Not likely! Scream as loud as you want, baby!

---

Homer: Marge, kids. everything's gonna be just fine. Now go up stairs pack your bags, we're gonna start a new life... under the sea. (sighs)

[Fantasy based on the "Under the Sea" number from "The Little Mermaid."]

Homer: [singing] Under the sea! Under the sea! (eats three fish) there'll be no accusations, just friendly crustaceans under the sea!

(Seahorses swim inside his mouth. Homer then eats a lobster, two dancing slugs, a snail. He ends the fantasy surrounded by several fish skeletons. Back to reality...)

Marge: Homer, that's your solution to everything: move under the sea. It's not gonna happen!

Homer: Not with that attitude!

[edit] Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy [6.10]

Lisa: I found the new Al Gore book.

Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."

Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".

---

Grampa: Here you go, ya ingrate! Think of me when you're havin' the best sex of your life!

[edit] Fear of Flying [6.11]

(Shown walking up to a bar called The Little Black Box)

Homer: The last bar in Springfield. If they don't let me in here, I'm gonna have to quit drinking.

Homer's Liver: Yay!

Homer: Shut up, liver!

(Homer punches his liver)

Homer: Ow! My liver hurts!

---

Airport Worker: We need a pilot, pronto! Who wants to fly to the Windy City?

(all of the pilots stand up, trying to get his attention)

Airport Worker: Conditions are a little windy!

(all of the pilots who stood up sit down, leaving Homer standing)

Airport Worker: You! (points at Homer)

Homer: Me? But I...

Airport Worker: Hey! You're not just impersonating a pilot so you can drink here, are you?

Homer: Yeah. That's exactly why I'm here.

Airport Worker: (laughs) You flyboys, you crack me up!

(cuts to the cockpit of a plane)

Homer: But I keep telling you, I'm not a pilot!

Airport Worker: And I keep telling you, you flyboys crack me up!

(forces Homer into room)

[edit] Homer the Great [6.12]

Homer: I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

---

[Stonecutter's Song]

Who controls the British Crown?

Who keeps the metric system down?

We do, we do!

Who keeps Atlantis off the maps?

Who keeps the Martians under wraps?

[Shows martian singing]We do, we do!

Who holds back the electric car?

Who makes Steve Guttenberg a star?

We do, we do!

Who robs cave fish of their sight?

Who rigs every Oscar night?

We do, we do!

[edit] And Maggie Makes Three [6.13]

[Homer quits the power plant, grabbing Mr. Burns and playing his bald head like a bongo drum.]

Mr. Burns: I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.

---

At the hospital, Mayor Quimby holds a newborn child in his arms while the mother (a young woman) rests.

Quimby: This is incredible. It's God's most wondrous miracle.

Nurse: Sir, I think your wife wants to hold the baby.

Quimby: My wife? Where? Where?! [runs off in a panic]

[edit] Bart's Comet [6.14]

---

Homer: It's times like this I wish I was a religious man.

[shot of Reverend Lovejoy running past the house]

Reverend Lovejoy: It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!

---

Arnie: With our utter annihilation imminent, our federal government has snapped into action. We go live now via satellite to the floor of the United States congress.

Speaker: Then it is unanimous, we are going to approve the bill to evacuate the town of Springfield in the great state of-

Congressman: Wait a second, I want to tack on a rider to that bill - $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.

Speaker: All in favor of the amended Springfield-slash-pervert bill?

[entire congress boos]

Speaker: Bill defeated!

Kent Brockman: I've said it before and I'll say it again: democracy simply doesn't work.

---

As the comet approaches Springfield, it starts to shrink smaller and smaller, breaking apart until it is a mere pebble; thus causing no damage to Springfield

Lisa: I do not believe it. The comet burned up. All those layers of pollution in our air actually saved us!

Bart: And I cannot believe that you were actually right about what was going to happen, Dad.

Homer: I know, I am as scared as you are.

[edit] Homie the Clown [6.15]

[Lisa and Bart watch as Krusty does his "Loop-de-Loop Bike Eating" trick]

Lisa: When Krusty wants to, he can still blow 'em away!

Bart: He can take a simple, every day thing like eating a bicycle, and make it funny.

---

Receptionist: George Carlin on three.

Krusty [on the phone]: Yeah? Lawsuit?! Oh, come on. My "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit was entirely different from your "Seven Words You Can't Say on TV" bit. So I'm a thief, am I? Well, excuuuuuuse me! [hangs up] Give him ten grand.

Receptionist: Steve Martin on four.

Krusty: Ten grand.

---

(Commercial for "Lady Krusty" Line)

Johnny Unitas: So, what do you think of the 'Lady Krusty Moustache Removal' system now, Angelique?

Angelique: It's "Krusterific," Johnny Unitas! But is my upper-lip supposed to bleed like this?

Johnny Unitas: Probably.

---

Homer has been abducted by the Springfield mafia on the mistaken basis he is Krusty, who owes debts

Homer: But wait, you can't kill me for being Krusty. I'm not him! I'm Homer Simpson!

Fat Tony: The same Homer Simpson who crashed his car through our club?

Homer: Uh... actually my name is Barney. Yeah, Barney Gumble!

Legs: The same Barney Gumble who keeps taking pictures of my sister?

Homer: Uh... actually my real name is uh... think Krusty, think... Joe Valachi!

Louie: The same Joe Valachi who squealed to the Senate Committee about organized crime?

Homer: Benedict Arnold!

Fat Tony: The same Benedict Arnold who plotted to surrender West Point to the hated British?

Homer: D'oh!

[edit] Bart vs. Australia [6.16]

Australian man: You call that a knife? This is a knife!

Bart: That's not a knife. That's a spoon.

Australian man: All right, all right, you win. Heh. I see you've played knifey-spooney before.

---

Homer sees a Marine security guard at the U.S. Embassy to Australia

Homer: Hey! You are one of those English guards who cannot smile!

Homer does all sorts of goofy antics until he is decked by the Marine to cut it out

Marine Security Guard: No sir! US Marine, sir!

---

Homer: When will you Australians learn? In America, we stopped using corporal punishment, and things have never been better. The streets are safe. Old people strut confidently in the darkest alleys. And the weak and nerdy are admired for their computer-programming abilities. So, like us, let your children run wild and free! Because, as the old saying goes, "let your children run wild and free".

[edit] Homer vs. Patty & Selma [6.17]

Stockbroker: Homer, you knuckle-beak! I told you a hundred times to sell your pumpkin futures before Halloween! Before!

Homer: All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one!

---

Patty: When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge?

Selma: Granted, you got some kids out of him. But when the seeds have been planted, you throw away the envelope!

[edit] A Star is Burns [6.18]

[Two women are watching Barney's film about his alcoholism.]

Woman: It's brilliant. Savagely honest, tender, he has the soul of a poet.

Barney: You're very kind.

Woman: Excuse me, did something crawl down your throat and die?

Barney: It didn't die!

---

[In Barney's film...]

Barney: My name's Barney, and I'm an alcoholic.

[Camera pulls out to reveal that Barney is surrounded by little girls in scout uniforms, one of whom is Lisa.]

Lisa: Mr. Gumble, this is a Girl Scout meeting.

Barney: Is it, or is it that you girls can't admit you have a problem?

[edit] Lisa's Wedding [6.19]

Marge: Remember, in England, an elevator is called a lift, a mile is called a kilometer, and botulism is called steak and kidney pie.

---

Homer: I've got to call everyone and tell them the good news! [picks up the receiver, but gets a busy signal] What the... ? Maggie, I need to use the phone! [upstairs, Maggie rolls her eyes and hangs up] Doesn't that girl ever shut up?

[edit] Two Dozen and One Greyhounds [6.20]

Homer: Aww, so that's wrong with the poor fella. He misses casual sex!

---

Bart: Hey, boy, you want to play fetch? [Santa's Little Helper looks at Bart then falls asleep] Aw. Me and Santa's Little Helper used to be a team, but he never wants to play any more since his bitch moved in.

Marge: BART! DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD AGAIN!

Bart: (Angry) Well, that's what she is! (Cheerful) I looked it up!

Marge: Well, I'm gonna write the dictionary people and have that checked. Feels like a mistake to me.

---

Marge: Ugh! This house stinks! You aren't just placing new newspaper over the old ones, are you?

Homer: Do you have a better solution?!

---

(Mr. Burn's Song)

Some men hunt for sport
others hunt for food
The only thing I'm hunting for...
is an outfit that looks good
See my vest, see my vest
made from real gorilla chest
See this sweater? There's no better
than authentic Irish Setter
See this hat? 'Twas my cat
My evening wear vampire bat
These white slippers are albino
african endangered rhino
Grizzle-bear underwear
turtle's necks I've got my share
Beret of poodle on my noodle it shall rest
Try my red robin suit
It comes one breast or two
See my vest, see my vest
See my vest!!
Like my loafers? Former gophers
It was that or skin my chauffeurs
But a greyhound-fur tuxedo would be best
So, let's prepare these dogs
(Old Woman) Kill two for matching clogs!
See my vest... See my vest!
Oh please, won't you see my vest!!

I really like the vest.

[edit] The PTA Disbands! [6.21]

Bart: Krabappel said you would give the teachers anything they wanted.

Principal Skinner: She did?

Bart: Yeah. She said you would fold faster than Superman on laundry day.

---

Homer: Lousy teachers, trying to pawn off our kids on us!

Lisa: But, Dad, by striking they're trying to effect a change in management so that they can be happier and more productive.

Homer: Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike: you just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

[edit] 'Round Springfield [6.22]

[Bart makes his way to the nurse's office and finds Lunchlady Doris picking tounge depressors off the floor.]

Bart: Lunchlady Doris? What are you doing here?

Lunchlady Doris: Budget cuts. They've even got Groundskeeper Willie teaching French.

[Cut to Groundskeeper Willie in French class with a beret on.]

Groundskeeper Willie Bun-jerrr, you cheese-eatin' surrender monkeys!

---

Lisa is depressed at the death of "Bleeding Gums" Murphy

Homer: There, there, Lisa. Death is natural. Remember when Snowball I died, but then we got Snowball II?

Lisa: Yes.

Homer: So the lesson in all this is all we have to do is go to the pound and pick out a new Jazz Man.

---

[Lisa finds a copy of "Sax on the Beach" at the comic book store. It's $250.]

Lisa: Two-hundred and fifty dollars? But I need that record to honor Bleeding Gums's memory!

Comic Book Guy: He's dead? Well why didn't you say so?

[Comic Book Guy marks out the $250 price tag and writes $500 in its place.]

[edit] The Springfield Connection [6.23]

Homer: When Marge first told me she was going to the police academy, I thought it'd be fun and exciting, you know, like that movie... "Spaceballs." But instead it's been painful and disturbing like that movie "Police Academy."

---

(Marge is on the shooting range shooting cardboard cutouts of criminals and not shooting at civilians)

Chief Wiggum: You missed the baby, the blind guy...

[edit] Lemon of Troy [6.24]

Bart: Hey, quit sayin' bad stuff about my town, man!

Shelby: Why don't you make me?

Bart: I don't make trash, I burn it.

Shelby: Then I guess you're a garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: I know you are, but what am I?

Shelby: A garbage man.

Bart: Takes one to know one!

Database: CHECK MATE!

---

Bart: That tree is a part of our history and, as kids, the backbone of our economy! We'll get it back or choke their rivers with our dead!!

[edit] Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One) [6.25]

Mr. Burns: Since the beginning of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing: block it out!

[He presses yet another button, raising a shield over the model town which blots out the sunlight.]

Smithers: [horrified] Good God!

Mr. Burns: Imagine it, Smithers: electrical lights and heaters running all day long!

Smithers: But sir! Every plant and tree will die! Owls will deafen us with incessant hooting! The town's sundial will be useless! I don't want any part of this project, it's unconscionably fiendish.

---

Bart: [finding a gun while helping Grandpa unpack] Wow!

Grandpa: That's my old Smith and Wesson. If you're gonna play with it, be careful, 'cause its loaded--

Marge: [walking in] Aah! Bart, put that down! Guns are very dangerous and I won't have them in this house! [takes it away]

Grandpa: How can you have a house without a gun?! What if a bear came through that door?!

Marge: I'm going to bury it in the yard where little hands can't get to it. [walks out]

Grandpa: [to Bart] Geesh! You should have fired into the air. She would have run off!

[edit] Season 7

[edit] Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part Two) [7.01]

[Eddie and Lou interrogate Moe with a lie detector.]

Eddie: Do you hold a grudge against Montgomery Burns?

Moe: No. (buzz, red light) All right, maybe I did. But I didn't shoot him! (ding, green light)

Eddie: Checks out. Okay, sir, you're free to go.

Moe: Good, 'cause I got a hot date tonight. (buzz) A date. (buzz) Dinner with friends. (buzz) Dinner alone. (buzz) Watching TV alone. (buzz) All right! I'm going to sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalogue! (buzz) Sears catalogue. (ding) Now, would you unhook this already?! I don't deserve this kind of shabby treatment! (buzz)

---

Mr Burns: Officers, arrest the baby!

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, right, pops. No jury in the world is gonna convict a baby. Hmm... maybe Texas.

[edit] Radioactive Man [7.02]

[Hollywood. Executive producer is looking through Variety magazine to scout out a potential location to film the Radioactive Man movie. He sees full page colorful ads that say "Film New York", "Film Utah" and "Film Texas" before coming to a small section that says "Flim Springfield"]

Executive producer: "All right. This town must be hot. They do not need a large ad or even correct spelling!" (Executive producer buzzes his secretary) "Please get me two tickets for whatever state Springfield is in."

---

Bart: George Burns was right. Show business is a hideous bitch goddess.

Lisa: Cheer up, Bart. Milhouse is still going to need a true friend, someone to tell him he's great. Someone to rub lotion on him. Someone he can hurl whiskey bottles at when he's feeling low.

Bart: You're right, Lis! I can suck up to him! Like the religious people suck up to God!

---

[A prop man is painting black spots onto white horses.]

Martin Prince: Uh, sir, why don't you just use real cows?

Painter: Cows don't look like cows on film. You got to use horses.

Ralph: What do you do if you want something that looks like a horse?

Painter: Eh, usually we just tape a bunch of cats together.

---

[edit] Home Sweet Homediddly-Dum-Doodily [7.03]

[The social worker looks at Maggie, who is wearing the "I'm a stupid baby" sign Bart originally put on Lisa)

Child-Welfare Officer #1: STUPID babies need the most attention!

---

Homer: Okay, don't panic! To find Flanders, you just have to think like Flanders...

Homer's brain: I'm a big four-eyed lame-o and I wear the same stupid sweater everyday and-

Homer: The Springfield River!

[edit] Bart Sells His Soul [7.04]

Reverend Lovejoy: I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...

Ralph Wiggum: [scared] Where fiery demons will punch me in the back...

Bart: [nonchalant] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers...

Milhouse: [clearly nervous] Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...

[A raven outside crows menacingly.]

Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart, right there!

Bart: [angry] Milhouse!

Reverend Lovejoy: Milhouse, you did the right thing. Bart, come with me for punishment. [grabs Bart, then reaches back for Milhouse] You too, snitchy.

---

Bart: Milhouse! How could you have squealed on me?!

Milhouse: Sorry Bart, but I did not want hungry birds eating my soul.

Bart: You fell for that? Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul! It's just something made up to scare kids, like the boogeyman or Michael Jackson!

Milhouse: There is a soul Bart. It is in your skull right about here. When you sneeze, that is your soul trying to escape. Saying "God Bless You" makes it go back in. When you die, it crawls out of your nose and up to Heaven.

Bart: Right, right. And what if you die by drowning in a submarine?

Milhouse: Oh, it can swim! It has even got wheels in case you die in the desert and it needs to get to Heaven quickly!

Bart: How can someone with glasses so thick be so stupid? You do not have a soul, I do not have a soul, there is no such thing as a soul!

---

Bart: I can't take this any more! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out of the restaurant]

Homer: Bart! You didn't finish your Spaghetti and Moeballs!

Homer's Brain: Quiet you fool! It could be ours!

Homer: [eating] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life. BOY!

[edit] Lisa the Vegetarian [7.05]

Homer: Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?

Lisa: No.

Homer: Ham?

Lisa: No!

Homer: Pork chops?

Lisa: Dad, those all come from the same animal!

Homer: Heh, heh, heh. Ooh, yeah, right, Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

---

[In Apu's garden]

Apu: ...it's like Paul's song, "Live and Let Live".

Paul McCartney: Actually, it was "Live and Let Die".

Apu: Who cares, who cares? It had a good rhythm!

---

Homer: Marge? Since I'm not talking to Lisa, would you please ask her to pass me the syrup?

Marge: Dear, please pass your father the syrup, Lisa.

Lisa: Bart, tell Dad I will only pass the syrup if it won't be used on any meat product.

Bart: You dunkin' your sausages in that syrup, homeboy?

Homer: Marge, tell Bart I just want to drink a nice glass of syrup like I do every morning.

Marge: Tell him yourself, you're ignoring Lisa, not Bart.

Homer: Bart, thank your mother for pointing that out.

Marge: Homer, you're not not-talking to me and secondly I heard what you said.

Homer: Lisa, tell your mother to get off my case.

Bart: Uhhh, dad, Lisa's the one you're not talking to.

Homer: Bart, go to your room.

[edit] Treehouse of Horror VI [7.06]

Lisa: Do you understand what this means, Bart? The next time we fall asleep, we could die!

Grandpa: Eh, welcome to my world! (falls asleep)

---

Homer's Brain: (as he enters the 3rd dimension) Oh, glory of glories! Oh, heavenly testament to the eternal majesty of God's creation!

Homer: Holy macaroni!

[edit] King-Size Homer [7.07]

[Mister Burns is directing the plant employees at aerobics.]

Montgomery Burns: Raise your left hock, aerate! Raise your right hock, aerate! Come on people! I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!

---

Lisa: Mom, aren't you going to step in and stop this?

Marge: Usually, your father's crackpot schemes fail once he sees something good on TV. But this season...

---

Telephone operator: The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm now.

---

[Last lines of episode]

Montgomery Burns: Homer, your quick-thinking and bravery have turned a potential Chernobyl into a mere Three Mile Island. Bravo!

Lisa: I still consider it ironic that Dad's girth saved the day, while a slimmer man would have falled to his death.

Bart: And I consider it ironic that, for once, Dad's butt actually prevented the release of toxic ga...

Marge: BART!

Montgomery Burns: Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.

[Homer looks at his family, and realizes his obesity is making life hard for them.]

Homer: Can you please make me thin again?

Montgomery Burns: I guarantee it!

[Nighttime. Homer and Burns are now the only ones at plant. Burns is frustrated by Homer's girth and straining himself to do situps.]

Montgomery Burns: One. One. ONE!

[Burns throws down his megaphone in frustration]

Montgomery Burns: Rats! I will just pay for the blasted liposuction!

Homer: WOO-HOO!

[edit] Mother Simpson [7.08]

Newspaper headline: LOCAL MAN LOSES PANTS, LIFE

---

[Homer clears the moss away from the headstone of what he thinks is his mother's grave.]

Homer: I'm sorry I never visit, Mom! I'm just not a cemetery person. (reads tombstone engraving): "Here...lies..."

[He clears the last of the moss away. The name on the stone is Walt Whitman. Homer is enraged.]

Homer: WALT WHITMAN?! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH! DAMN YOU, WALT WHITMAN! (kicking the stone) I-HATE-YOU-WALT-FREAKING-WHITMAN! "Leaves of Grass," my ass!

[edit] Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming [7.09]

Airman: And at this point in time, I would like to direct your attention to the particular air-vehicle next to which I am currently standing: the Harrier jet, one of our more dollar-intensive ordnance loadery vectors. Although it looks very complicated, I assure you, it is so well designed that even a child could fly it.

Lisa: Can I fly it?

Airman: Of course you cannot.

---

[Bart and Grandpa come across the Wright Brothers' airplane.]

Bart: Look at that hunk of junk!

Grandpa: (sputters) You're ignorant! That's the Wright Brothers' plane! In Kitty Hawk in 1903, Charles Lindbergh flew it 15 miles on a thimble full of corn oil. Single-handedly won us the Civil War, it did!

Bart: How do you know so much about history, Grandpa?

Grandpa: I pieced it together, mostly from sugar packets!

---

[Sideshow Bob appears on a giant TV screen at the airshow and demands that Springfield abolish television.]

Sideshow Bob: Oh, and one more thing. I've stolen a nuclear weapon. If my demands are not met within one hour... I shall detonate it.

[The image starts off. The crowd starts to panic, but then Bob comes back on.]

Sideshow Bob: By the way, I'm already aware of the irony of appearing on television in order to decry it, so don't bother pointing that out.

---

[Last lines of episode. Sideshow Bob is arrested and Colonel Hapablap (played by R. Lee Ermey) is referring to a line said by Gunnery Sergeant Hartman (also played by Ermey) from Full Metal Jacket]

Colonel Hapablap: What is your major malfunction, Sideshow Bob?!

[edit] The Simpsons 138th Episode Spectacular [7.10]

(deleted scene from Treehouse of Horror IV)

Bart: I'd sell my soul for a formula one racing car.

[Devil Flanders appears with a formula one racing car]

Devil Flanders: Heh, heh, heh, that can be arranged.

Bart: Changed my mind. Sorry.

[Devil Flanders vanishes]

Marge: Bart, stop pestering Satan!

---

{One of the false endings to Who Shot Mister Burns?}

Lisa: And, with your remaining energy, you pointed to W and S on the sundial. Waylon Smithers!

{People gasp upon seeing Smithers is the one who shot Mister Burns}

Montgomery Burns: Smithers, for attempting to kill me, I am giving you a 5% pay cut!

Waylon Smithers: Aww!

Troy McClure: But in order for that ending to work, you would have to ignore all the Simpson DNA evidence, and that would be downright nutty!

---

Troy McClure: Yes, The Simpsons have come a long way since an old drunk made humans out of his rabbit characters to pay off his gambling debts. Who knows what adventures they'll have between now and the time the show becomes unprofitable? I'm Troy McClure, and now leave you with what we all came here to see: hardcore nudity!

[edit] Marge Be Not Proud [7.11]

[As Bart contemplates stealing a copy of "Bonestorm," he imagines several video game characters talking to him.]

Luigi: Go ahead, Bart. Take-a the "Bonestorm!"

Mario: The store, she's so rich! She'll-a never notice!

Donkey Kong: Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much!

Lee Carvello: Don't do it, son. How's that game gonna help your putting?

Sonic the Hedgehog: Just take it! Takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit-takeit! TAKE IT!

---

[Bart sees a sign saying "Bonestorm - 99 cents." He rushes inside.]

Bart: I'd like to buy a copy of "Bonestorm." Here's 99 cents.

Comic Book Guy: (sighs) Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase "Bonestorm" for 99 cents. Net profit to me: negative 59 dollars. [opens the cash register] Please take my 59 dollars, I don't want it. [Bart reaches forward to take the cash.]Uh uh - Seeing as you are unfamiliar with sarcasm, I shall close the cash register at this point, and state that 99 cents is the rental price.

Bart Then may I please rent it, please???

Comic Book Guy No you may not, I am all out, though I do have a surprising abundance of "Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge."

[edit] Team Homer [7.12]

Moe: You go through life, you try to resist the urge to punch people in the face, and for what? For some pimply little puke to treat you like dirt! Well, I'm better than dirt! Well... most kinds of dirt. I mean, not that fancy store-bought dirt. That stuff's loaded with nutrients. I... I can't compete with that stuff.

---

Bart: Mom, my slingshot doesn't fit in these pockets. And these shorts leave nothing to the imagination. These uniforms suck!

Marge: Bart! Where do you pick up words like that?

Homer: [on phone] Yeah, Moe, that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked.

Marge: Homerrr!

Homer: Aw, I gotta go. My damn wiener kids are listening. (hangs up)

Lisa: We are not wieners!

Homer: Then why are you dressed like that for?

Bart and Lisa: (in unison) They made us!

[edit] Two Bad Neighbors [7.13]

George Bush: If he thinks George Bush won't go into the sewer, well then he doesn't know George Bush.

---

Grandpa: Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two non-consecutive occasions.

[edit] Scenes from the Class Struggle in Springfield [7.14]

Homer: Look at these low, low prices on famous brand-name electronics!

Bart: Don't be a sap, Dad. These are just crappy knock-offs!

Homer: Pfft! I know a genuine Panaphonics when I see one! And look, there's Magnetbox and Sorny!

---

{Homer has taken up golf as a hobby and is practicing hitting golf balls into the commodes in the men's room at the nuclear plant, which is clandestinely being observed by Mr. Burns and Mr. Smithers on their surveillance cameras}

Montgomery Burns: Smithers, who is that lavatory linksman?

Waylon Smithers: Homer Simpson, sir. From Sector 7-G.

Montgomery Burns: Simpson, eh? Well, invite him to the country club. I believe I finally may have a challenge in golf. I have not lost a game since I let Richard Nixon win during his beleaguered second term.

Waylon Smithers: That was very thoughtful of you, sir.

Montgomery Burns: Oh, he just looked so forlorn, Smithers, with his (imitating Nixon) "Ohhh, I can't go to prison, Monty. They'll eat me alive! {normal voice} Say, I wonder if this Homer Nixon is of any relation?

Waylon Smithers: Unlikely sir, as they spell and pronounce their names differently.

---

Marge: Homer, what are you doing?

Homer: I'm driving up to the main building. They got valet parking tonight.

Marge: We can't drive this up there. They'll see the dent. They'll see the coat hanger antenna. Stop the car, we're walking.

Homer: But Marge, valets! For once in my life maybe someone will call me "sir" without adding, "You're making a scene."

[edit] Bart the Fink [7.15]

Cayman Islands Offshore Holding Corporation Manager: (chuckles) Oh, I'm sorry. But I can't divulge any information about that customer's secret, illegal account. (hangs up phone) ...Oh, crap. I shouldn't have said he was a customer... oh, crap. I shouldn't have said it was a secret... oh, crap! I certainly shouldn't have said it was illegal...! (sits back, fanning himself) Ah, it's too hot today.

---

{Krusty is being audited by the IRS}

Krusty: But I can't go to prison! I have a swanky lifestyle! I'm used to the best!

IRS Agent #1: Krusty, this is America. We don't send our celebrities to prison. We'll just garnish your salary.

Krusty: Garnish my celery?

IRS Agent #2: Krusty please, no jokes.

Krusty: Who's joking? This is all so strange and scary to me!

IRS Agent #1: It simply means we will be taking part of your salary until the debt is repaid. Let's say, 75% for the next 40 years.

Krusty: But I don't plan to live that long!

IRS Agent #2: Better make it 95%.

---

Bart: Krusty's tired of having phonies around pretending to be his friend. I'm sure he'll find plenty of people who'll like him for who he is.

Krusty: Uh... that could happen! Huh, who needs friends? The incessant beeping of the global positioning system is all the companionship I need. [laughs and pats the system fondly, before receiving a powerful electric shock and throwing it into the water]

Krusty: Tell me where you are now, you bastard!

---

Homer: [to Bart] Don't let Krusty's death let you down, boy. People die all the time. Just like that. Why, you could wake up dead tomorrow. [Bart stares at Homer, frightened] Well, good night.

[edit] Lisa the Iconoclast [7.16]

Edna Krabappel: "Embiggens"? I never heard that word before I came to Springfield.

Miss Hoover: I don't know why. It's a perfectly cromulent word.

---

Homer: [ringing bell] Hear ye, hear ye! Ye olde town crier proclaimed crappy by all! Chooseth Homer Simpson, and he shalt rock thy world!

Chief Wiggum: My God, he is fabulous!

Principal Skinner: He's embiggened that role with his cromulent performance.

---

Lisa: (wakes up from her dream and yells) I want to help you, George Washington!

Bart Simpson: (walking by) "I want to help you, George Washington"? Man, even your dreams are square.

[edit] Homer the Smithers [7.17]

Smithers: I've got to find a replacement who won't outshine me. Perhaps if I searched the employee evaluations for the word 'Incompetent'... [He does so.] 714 names? Better be more specific: "lazy, clumsy, dim-witted, monstrously ugly..." [Computer again reports 714 matches found.] Oh, nuts to this! I'll just go get Homer Simpson.

---

Homer: Here are your messages: "You have 30 minutes to move your car," "You have 10 minutes," "Your car has been impounded," "Your car has been crushed into a cube," "You have 30 minutes to move your cube."

[phone rings]

Homer: [answering] Yello, Mr. Burns's office.

Burns: Is it about my cube?

---

Smithers: So, Mister Burns can now do all his work for himself, but I will wager you dollars to donuts he can't handle a call from his mother!

Homer: Mister Burns' mother is still alive?

Smithers: They haven't spoken in 50 years. He never forgave her for that affair with President Taft!

Homer: (chuckling) Taft, you old dog!

[edit] The Day the Violence Died [7.18]

Chester: He didn't create Itchy: I did.

Bart: Huh?

Chester: He stole the character from me in 1928. When I complained, his thugs kicked me out of his office, and dropped an anvil on me. Luckily, I was carrying an umbrella at the time.

---

[watching "Amendment To Be", which has replaced "Itchy & Scratchy"]

Bart: What the hell is this?

Lisa: It's one of those campy '70s throwbacks that appeals to Generation X'ers.

Bart: We need another Vietnam to thin out their ranks a little!

[edit] A Fish Called Selma [7.19]

Marge: What are you talking about?

Homer: You know, his bizarre personal life. Those weird things they say he does down at the aquarium. Why, I heard...

Marge: Oh, Homer, that's just an urban legend. People don't do that kind of thing with fish!

---

Louie: Troy McClure!? You said he was dead!

Fat Tony: No, what I said is that he sleeps with the fishes! You see...

Louie: Uh, Tony, please, no. I just ate a whole plate of dingamagoo.

[edit] Bart on the Road [7.20]

Homer: Wanna bite of my doughnut?

Lisa: No, thanks. Do you have any fruit?

Homer: This has purple stuff inside. Purple is a fruit.

---

Nelson: (in awe) What is this place?

Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas... if it were run by Ned Flanders.

---

[Bart desperately appeals to Lisa when he, Milhouse, Martin and Nelson are stranded in Knoxville, Tennessee. Lisa enlists Homer's help after making him promise not to get mad.]

Lisa: (rapidly) Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Nelson, and Martin to a wig outlet in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!

[Homer's face turns a strange shade of red, but his expression remains impassive.]

Homer: (eerily calm) Yes, that's a real pickle. Would you excuse me for a moment?

[Homer dons a helmet from a radiation suit and roars several profanities which are muffled by the helmet, eventually fogging the helmet's visor. Homer then removes the helmet and turns back to Lisa, as eerily calm as before.]

Homer: All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home. Then I will murder him.

[edit] 22 Short Films About Springfield [7.21]

Sanjay: I wish you'd come to my party, Apu. You could use some merriment.

Apu Listen, serving the customer is merriment enough for me. [Bart pays for his gum] Thank you, come again. You see? Most enjoyable.

Sanjay: Oh, I guarantee a wingding of titanic proportions. You will be there or kindly be square.

Apu: Well, I don't like to leave the store... [dusts off a "back in 5 minutes" sign] ...but for the next five minutes I'm going to party like it's on sale for 19.99!

---

Chairman: Dr. Nick, this malpractice committee has received a few complaints against you. [reads from clipboard] Of the 160 gravest charges, the most troubling are performing major operations with a knife and fork from a seafood restaurant...

Riviera But I cleaned them with my napkin.

Chairman: Misuse of the cadavers.

Riviera I get here earlier when I drive in the carpool lane.

[edit] Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish" [7.22]

Mr. Burns: Simpson, can't you go five seconds without embarrassing yourself?

[Grandpa's suspenders come loose and his pants fall down]

Grandpa: How long was that?

---

Grandpa: All right! You can have the paintings. Just don't hurt the boy!

Mr. Burns: Hmm... I'd rather do both.

---

Grandpa makes a dangerous deep water dive to rescue Bart from being drowned by Mr. Burns

Bart: Sorry I made you lose the treasure, Grandpa.

Grandpa: The treasure's not important, boy; the most important thing is that you're safe. Now, let's go get that treasure!

---

Bart is impressed with Grandpa's past heroism

Bart: Grandpa, do you think I could have been in the Flying Hellfish?

Grandpa: You're a give-em'-hell daredevil with a never-say-die attitude and a fourth-grade education! You could have made sergeant!

[edit] Much Apu About Nothing [7.23]

Marge: What you're saying is so understandable. And really, your only crime was violating U.S. law.

---

Homer: Please identify this object.

Apu: It appears to be the flag that disappeared from the public library last year.

Homer: Correct. Now, we all know the thirteen strips are for good luck, but why does the American flag have precisely forty-seven stars?

Apu: Because this particular flag is (chuckling) ridiculously out of date! The library must have purchased it during the brief period in 1912 after New Mexico became a state but before Arizona did.

Homer: Uh... partial credit.

[edit] Homerpalooza [7.24]

Homer: Aww, it makes no sense; I haven't changed since high school and suddenly I'm uncool.

---

{1974. Homer and Barney are singing to the tune of Leo Sayer's "Dancing"}

Homer: [off-key] You make me feel like dancin'!

Barney: [off-key] I wanna dance the night away!

Grampa Simpson: What the hell are you two doing?!

Homer: It's called "rocking out", dad. You're just not with it.

Grampa Simpson: I used to be with it, but then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems weird and scary to me... and the same thing is going to happen to you!

Homer: No way, man! We're gonna keep on rockin' Forever! Forever! Forever!

[fades to the current timeline]

Homer: [dejected] Forever... forever...

[edit] Summer of 4 Ft. 2 [7.25]

Marge: Well, did you call one of your friends?

Lisa: Hah! These are my only friends: grown up nerds like Gore Vidal, and even he's kissed more boys than I ever will.

Marge: Girls, Lisa. Boys kiss girls.

---

[Homer walks up to the counter in a convenience store]

Homer: Yeah, um, give me one of those porno magazines, a large box of condoms, a bottle of Old Harper, a box of panty shields... [rapid undertone] and some illegal fireworks... [normal voice] and one of those disposable enemas. You know what, make it two.

Owner: My apologies sir, but the sale of fireworks is strictly prohibited in this state and is punishable by- [the only other customer in the store walks out the door] follow me.

---

Erin: So, you like hanging out?

Lisa: Well, it beats doin' stuff.

Erin: Totally. Stuff sucks.

[edit] Season 8

[edit] Treehouse of Horror VII [8.01]

Homer lets it slip

Homer: Enough! No more questions! Good gravy, I work my ass off to feed you four kids and all you can do is...

Marge nervously interrupts Homer

Marge: Three. We have three children, Homer!

---

[Marge has given birth to identical Siamese Twins. One of them starts gnawing on the other's arm.]

Marge: I think I'll bottle-feed that one...

Doctor Hibbert: But what to do about poor Hugo? Too crazy for Boys' Town, too much of a boy for Crazy Town. Until Mr. & Mrs. Simpson came up with the only humane action possible...

Homer: We chained Hugo up in the attic like an untrained animal and fed him a bucket of fish heads once a week.

Marge: It saved our marriage!

---

George Stephanopoulos: [to Kodos] Uh, Mr. President, Sir. People are becoming a bit... confused by the way your and your opponent are, well, constantly holding hands.

Kodos: We are merely exchanging long protein strings. If you can think of a simpler way, I'd like to hear it!

[edit] You Only Move Twice [8.02]

Scorpio: Good afternoon, gentlemen. This is Scorpio. I have the Doomsday Device. You have 72 hours to deliver the gold or you'll face the consequences. And to prove I'm not bluffing, watch this.

[presses a button causing a bridge to blow up in the background of the screen the gentlemen are visible in]

UN Man 1: [all the men look at the explosion] Oh My God, the Fifty-Ninth Street Bridge!

UN Man 2: Maybe it just collapsed on its own.

UN Man 1: We can't take that chance.

UN Man 2: You always say that. I want to take a chance!

Scorpio: [scoffs] Collapsed on its own--you sh...You have seventy-two hours. See ya.

---

Homer has just walked in on Scorpio, who is tuning a giant death ray.

Scorpio: By the way, Homer, what's your least favorite country, Italy or France?

Homer: France.

Scorpio: [laughs] Nobody ever says Italy.

[edit] The Homer They Fall [8.03]

Barney: You'd never get me in a ring - boxing causes brain damage. [drinks from a can of varnish]

---

Kent Brockman [after being booed by the crowd at the fight]: This just in: go to Hell!

[edit] Burns, Baby Burns [8.04]

Larry: What i'm trying to say is--

Mr. Burns: You're what, selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it!

Larry: Well Mr. Burns, I'm your son! [Burns is shocked, Larry looks at his foot] Oh, and I stepped on one of your peacocks. You got a paper towel?

---

Mr. Burns: I should've known you were the only one stupid enough to kidnap you! Now get down here so I can spank you in front of this gawking rabble. Smithers, take off my belt.

Smithers: With pleasure, sir!

[edit] Bart After Dark [8.05]

Marge: Now the cat needs his medication--

Homer: No problem.

Marge: --every morning and the furnace--

Homer: Can do.

Marge: --has been putting off--

Homer: Right.

Marge: --a lot of carbon monoxide--

Homer: Uh-huh.

Marge: --so keep the window open.

Homer: Gotcha - cat in the furnace!

Marge: Hmm, you know, I think I'll take Maggie with us. And if anything happens, just use your best judgm... mmm... just do what I would do.

---

Belle: [through intercom]: Who is it?

Ned: Er, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house?

Belle: Just a minute.

[edit] A Milhouse Divided [8.06]

Kirk: You're letting me go!?

Cracker Co. Foreman: Kirk. Crackers are a family food - happy families. Maybe single people eat crackers, we don't know. Frankly, we don't want to know. It's a market we can do without!

Kirk: So that's it? After twenty years, "So long, good luck?"

Cracker Co. Foreman: I don't recall saying, "Good luck."

---

Nelson: Hey, van Houten, I heard your folks broke up.

Milhouse: Aren't you gonna say, "Haw-haw!"?

Nelson: Oh, by no means. (sits down): My dad left my mom when she got hooked on cough drops. By the end (voice breaks), her breath was so fresh...she wasn't really my mother anymore.

Milhouse: Oh, so I'm not alone.

Kearney: Ah, you'll do fine. My divorce was tough on my kid (slides over and reveals a child who bears a strong resemblance to Kearney), but he got over it.

Kearney's Son: I sleep in a drawer.

[edit] Lisa's Date with Density [8.07]

[Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearny walk in on Lisa and Nelson kissing.]

Dolph: Oh, man! You kissed a girl!

Jimbo: That is so gay!

---

Marge: Well most women will tell you that you're a fool to think you can change a man, but those women are quitters!

Lisa: What?

Marge: When I first met your father, he was loud, crude, and piggish. But I worked hard on him, and now he's a whole new person.

Lisa: Mom...?

Marge: He's a whole new person, Lisa.

[edit] Hurricane Neddy [8.08]

Lisa: Dad! I think a hurricane's coming!

Homer: Oh, Lisa! There's no record of a hurricane ever hitting Springfield.

Lisa: Yes, but the records only go back to 1978, when the Hall of Records was mysteriously blown away!

---

[Ned talks to God after his house is destroyed]

Ned: Why me, Lord? I've always been good. I don't drink or dance or swear. I've even kept kosher just to be on the safe side. I've done everything the Bible says! Even the stuff that contradicts the other stuff! What more can I do? I...I..I feel like I wanna yell out, but I just can't dang-darn-diddly-darn-dang-ding-dong-diddly-darned do it! I just...I...*sigh*.

---

(A tape of Ned's childhood)

Ned Flanders: I'm Dick Tracy! Take that, Pruneface!

[He hits a little girl]

Ned Flanders: Now I'm Pruneface! Take that, Dick Tracy!

[He hits another little boy]

Ned Flanders: Now I'm Prune Tracy! Take that, Dick Fa...

[Dr. Foster rushes over]

Dr. Foster: Stop that at once!

[edit] El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer [8.09]

Bart: [sees Homer's figure in the lighthouse light] Hey Lis! Is that dad?

Lisa: Either that, or Batman's really let himself go.

---

[Homer lies on a sofa, talking to a well-dressed man]

Homer: I always just figured my wife was my soulmate. But if it's not Marge, then who is it? Where do I begin looking?

Man: This really goes beyond my training as a furniture salesman, sir. Now if you don't want the sofa, I'll have to ask you to leave.

[edit] The Springfield Files [8.10]

Leonard Nimoy: Hello. I'm Leonard Nimoy. The following tale of alien encounters is true. And by true, I mean false. It's all lies. But they're entertaining lies. And in the end, isn't that the real truth? The answer is: No.

---

Homer: This Friday, we're going back to the woods and we're going to find that alien!

Bart: What if we don't?

Homer: We'll fake it, and sell it to the Fox network.

Bart: [chuckles] They'll buy anything.

Homer: Now son, they do a lot of quality programming, too.

[They both burst into laughter]

Homer: I kill me.

[edit] The Twisted World of Marge Simpson [8.11]

[Marge has decided to go into the pretzel business.]

Marge: What's my territory?

Frank Ormand: Your territory? Well, let me put it this way: wherever a young mother is ignorant as to what to feed her baby, you'll be there. Wherever nacho penetration is less than total, you'll be there! Wherever a Bavarian is not quite full, you'll be there!

Marge: Don't forget fat people! They can't stop eating!

Homer: (passing by) Hey! Pretzels!

---

[Marge arrives at the school loading zone. An unshaven and ragged Skinner appears]

Marge: Are you sure the children will get enough nutrition from these pretzels?

Skinner: [monotonous] Yes I am sure. [a bandaged hand gives Marge money] Sure as sure can be.

Marge: Oh my God. What happened to your fingers?

Legs: [off-camera] Boating accident.

Skinner: I believe it was a... boking accident. [a laser sight is aimed at his temple] I have to go now.

---

(Marge rushes into the kitchen where Homer is seated at the table)

Marge: Homer! Did you make a deal with the Mob to eliminate my competition with savage beatings and attempted murder?!

Homer: In those words... yes.

Marge: HOMER! How on Earth could you do something like that?

Homer: How could I not? I saw you pour your heart out into this and saw how you struggled at ramming one more treat into America's already bloated snack hole. So I did what any caring husband would do; I reached out to some violent mobsters!

[edit] Mountain of Madness [8.12]

Homer: So, Burns is gonna make us all go on a stupid corporate retreat up in the mountains to learn about teamwork. Which means we'll have to cancel our plans to hang around here.

Bart: Teamwork is overrated.

Homer: Huh?

Bart: Think about it. I mean, what team was Babe Ruth on? Who knows.

Lisa and Marge: Yankees.

Bart: Sharing is a bunch of bull, too. And helping others. And what's all this crap I've been hearing about tolerance?

Homer: Hmm. Your ideas are intriguing to me and I wish to subscribe to your newsletter.

(This line is often quoted online as a response to internet flaming.)

---

Homer: Mr. Burns, you're the richest guy I know- way richer than Lenny.

Burns: Ah yes, but I'd trade it all for a little more.

[edit] Simpsoncalifragilisticexpiala(Annoyed Grunt)cious [8.13]

Homer: All right, Marge, I'll get you your nanny. And to pay for it, I'll give up the Civil War re-creation society I love so much. [at Moe's, everyone, including Moe, is dressed like 1800s military generals]

Moe: [hangs up the phone] Well, Homer's out. We gotta find a new General Ambrose Burnside.

Barney: [dressed like Lincoln] And I'm not too crazy about our Stonewall Jackson.

Apu: [Apu emerges from the men's room dressed like a Hindu military official] The south shall come again!

---

Kearney: [As they walk through the park, things look more and more like nineteenth-century London] Extra, extra! Ripper strikes in Whitechapel!

Skinner: Boy for sale! Boy for sale!

Jimbo: Is this legal, man?

Skinner: Only here, and in Mississippi.

[edit] The Itchy & Scratchy & Poochie Show [8.14]

Doug: Uh question for Ms. Bellamy. In episode 2F09, when Itchy plays Scratchy's skeleton like a xylophone, he strikes the same rib twice in succession, yet he produces two clearly different tones. I mean, what are we to believe, that this is some sort of a... [the nerds chuckle] a magic xylophone or something? Boy, I really hope somebody got fired for that blunder.

June: Uh, well, uh...

Homer: I'll field this one. Let me ask you a question. Why would a man whose shirt says "Genius at Work" spend all of his time watching a children's cartoon show?

Doug: [embarrassed pause] I withdraw my question. [starts eating a candy bar].

---

Bart: It's back to the basics, classic Itchy & Scratchy.

Lisa: We should thank our lucky stars that they're still putting on a program of this caliber after so many years.

Bart: What else is on?

[Lisa changes the channel.]

[edit] Homer's Phobia [8.15]

[Bart walks in wearing a flamboyant Hawaiian shirt.]

Homer: Hey, boy, where’d you get that shirt?

Bart: I dunno. Came outta the closet.

---

Homer: Marge, the boy was wearing a Hawaiian shirt!

Marge: So?

Homer: There’s only two kind of guys who wear those shirts: gay guys and big, fat party animals, and Bart doesn’t look like a big, fat party animal to me!

Marge: So, if you wore a Hawaiian shirt, it wouldn’t be gay?

Homer: Right! Thank you.

[edit] Brother from Another Series [8.16]

Bart: [seeing Krusty perform at prison] Wow! Those cons love Krusty! I guess inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy

Lisa: And vice versa.

---

Sideshow Bob: You wanted to be Krusty's sidekick since you were five! What about the buffoon lessons, the four years at clown college.

Cecil: I'll thank you not to refer to Princeton that way.

[edit] My Sister, My Sitter [8.17]

Chief Wiggum: Bye, Lisa! If anything goes wrong, just dial 911! Uh, unless it's an emergency!

Lisa: G'bye, Chief! Enjoy Bob Saget!

Chief Wiggum: Heh, it's Bob Seger! (He looks at the tickets and frowns) Aw, crap!

---

Ned: Homer, I've got a Fozzie of a bear of a problem! See, Maude and her mother were visiting Tyre and Sidon, the twin cities of the Holy Land. Well, they must have kneeled in the wrong place and prayed to the wrong god because they're being held prisoner by militants of some sort!

Homer: Militants, eh? Well if I were you, I'd kick their asses.

Ned: Well anywhodilly-doodle, the police say it's just a routine hostage-taking, but I gotta drive to Capitol City and fill out some forms to get them out. Could you possibly watch the kids tonight?

Homer: Oh, gee, I'd really love to wanna help you, Flanders but...Marge was...taken prisoner in the....Holy Land, and...

Lisa: (tugging at Homer's hand) I'll do it! I'll babysit!

Ned: I dunno, Lisa. You're awfully young and the boys can be quite a handful. Todd's been pinching everyone lately!

Lisa: But I'm smart and responsible and my parents will be right next door!

Ned: Well, whaddya say, Homer? Can Lisa babysit my kids?

Lisa: Please, please, please!

Homer: Eh, I'll have to ask her. (He slams the door.)

[edit] Homer vs. The Eighteenth Amendment [8.18]

Mayor Quimby: You can't seriously want to ban alcohol! It tastes great, makes women appear more attractive and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism!

---

Rex Banner: [Overlooking the city] I'll get you, Beer Baron.

Homer: [distant] No, you won't!

Rex Banner: Yes, I will!

Homer: ...D'oh!

---

Narrator: Strutting around in a garish new hat, he seemed to say, "Look at me, Rex Banner, I have a new hat!"

---

Homer: To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.

[edit] Grade School Confidential [8.19]

[Bart has seen Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing.]

Skinner: Now, Bart...son...I don't know what you think you saw but let me assure you that...

Mrs. Krabappel: What Seymour..I mean, what Principal Skinner means, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him!

Bart: That's the best you can do? You could have at least said you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play!

Skinner: Is it...too late to say that?

Bart: Mmm-hmm!

---

Homer: Bart's teacher's name is Krabappel? I've been calling her Krandall! Why didn't anybody tell me? Now I look like an idiot.

[edit] The Canine Mutiny [8.20]

Marge: Aww, Maggie, you got oatmeal all over. Homie, would you clean her off?

Homer: Can do. (puts Maggie on the floor) Laddie! (whistling) Come here, boy! Who wants to lick a messy baby?

---

Reverend Lovejoy: Mmm, yes, I remember Satan's Little Helper...littering the rectory with his dirt, biting me in the apse.

Agnes: (yells angrily) He unholied the holy water!

Bart: That's him, all right. I'll be happy to take him off your hands.

Reverend: Oh, I'm afraid that's impossible, Bart. He's no longer among us!

Bart (gasps in terror): You didn't crucify him?

Reverend (hearty laugh): No, he's safely with one of our parishioners. If you'll come with me, I'll be happy to give you his address.

Agnes: And then buy something or get out! (Rev. Lovejoy gives her an angry look.) Angel!

[edit] The Old Man and the Lisa [8.21]

(From the TV:'And now, the thrilling conclusion to "Colonel Dracula Joins the Navy." '

Sailor's voice: Colonel, I - ugh.

---

Mr. Burns: Family, religion, friendship: These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business.

---

Mr. Burns:Questions?

[somewhat long pause, finally Skinner raises his hand]

Principal Skinner: Well, uh, I might take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Which do you think is more important? Hard work, or stick-to-itiveness?

Mr. Burns:Are there any real questions?

---

(When Lisa asks him about recycling)

Mr. Burns: Oooh, so Mother Nature needs a favor?! Well maybe she should have thought of that when she was besetting us with droughts and floods and poison monkeys! Nature started the fight for survival, and now she wants to quit because she's losing. Well I say, hard cheese.

---

Mr. Burns:Confederated Slave Holdings how's that doing?

Lawyer: It's, uh, steady.

Mr. Burns:Let's get out the old stock ticker shall we? Let's pick up exactly where I left off, September nineteen twenty ni-oh, no. Ohhh, nooo! Oh NO! Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash?!

Smithers:Well, sir, it happened 25 years before I was born.

Mr. Burns:Oh that's your excuse for everything!

---

Marge: Homer, you didn't tell me Mr. Burns went broke and lost the nuclear power plant!

Homer: Now I can't remember every little thing that happens in my day.

Marge: You told me about that candy bar you found three times.

Bart: You found a candy bar?

Homer: Oh yes. Gather around, my son, and I shall tell you a tale.

---

Barney: Hey, aren't you that guy everybody hates?

Mr. Burns:Oh, my, no! I'm Monty Burns.

---

Homer:[wobbly] Here you go, honey. [drops a can of Duff into a bag] That's about all the recycling *hic* I can handle today.

Lisa:Dad, if you just drink one more I'll have a full bag.

Homer:Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good.

---

Lisa:If I did agree to help you, you could only earn money by doing good, socially responsible things. Nothing evil.

Mr. Burns:Nothing evil. That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need!

---

Kent Brockman:And from our "It's Funny When It Happens to Them" file, remember millionaire C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy and stole Christmas from 1981 through 1985? Well guess who's flat broke, and picking up trash for a living?

Homer:Please be Flanders, Please be Flanders, Please be Flanders!

---

Barney:I know you told me. But when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that..."

---

Mr. Burns(describing Li'l Lisa Slurry):And best of all, it's made from one hundred percent re-cycled animals!

Lisa:You haven't changed. You're still evil. And when you're trying to be good, you're even more evil.

Mr. Burns:I don't understand. Pigs need food, engines need coolant, dynamiters need dynamite…and not a single sea creature was wasted. (face is still benevolent but gets shadowed sinisterly: You inspired it all little Lisa.

---

(Upon Mr. Burns offering Lisa her share of the money Marge tells Lisa to do whatever her conscience tells her to. Lisa takes the check, and with much hesitation, tears it up. Marge tells Lisa that she did the right thing, and Homer collapses. Next thing you know, Homer is in the hospital.)

Dr. Hibbert:Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks.

Lisa:I'm sorry, Dad.

Homer:It's all right. I understand. But we really could've used that twelve thousand dollars.

Lisa:[nervously] Um, Dad, ten percent of a hundred and twenty million dollars isn't twelve thousand dollars. It's ...

[outside the room, a blue-alert goes off]

Woman:[over intercom] Code blue! Code Blue!

[edit] In Marge We Trust [8.22]

Homer:Oh, I'd love to go with you honey, but I got a lot of work to do around the bed.

Marge: Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.

Homer: Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer.

---

Marge: The dump?

Homer: We're going to get rid of the Christmas tree. It's starting to turn brown. Wanna come with?

Marge: No, no, I don't feel like going to a trash pile today.

Homer: It's your life. We'll bring you back something nice.

---

Marge: Sermons about constancy and provicitude [?] are all very well and good, but the church could be doing so much more to reach out to people.

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, I don't see you volunteering to make things better.

Marge: Well, okay, I will volunteer.

Reverend Lovejoy: I wasn't prepared for that

---

Reverend Lovejoy: Marge, you are a real timesaver. Do you know, thanks to you, that I discovered a form of shame that's gone unused for 700 years?

---

Principal Skinner: Mother's gone too far. She's put cardboard over her half of the television!

---

[Reverend Lovejoy describes how his idealism has decreased from being 'ready to roll up my sleeves and help my fellow man' to his less idealistic self of this episode]

Reverend Lovejoy:[voice-over while showing his Flanders memories] Then the calls began.[dissolve to different shots of the Reverend on the phone with Ned Flanders]

Flanders: Well, I, I think I may be coveting my own wife... I'm meek but, I could probably stand to be meeker...I, I ... I think I may have swallowed a toothpick.

Reverend Lovejoy: Finally, I just stopped caring. Luckily, by then it was the Eighties, and no one noticed.

---

Moe: Hi, it's me again. I've got another problem. Uh, this one's about my cat. [a cat yowls in the background Yeah, shut up, I'm asking her!

---

Agnes: Seymour, I'm getting tired. Tell them we're going next.

Skinner: Well, I'm not principal of the line, mother.

Agnes(hard voice): And you never will be.

---

Reverend Lovejoy:[gasps] St. Eleutherius of Nicomedia!

St. Eleutherius: That's my name, don't wear it out.

St. Bartholomew: To inspire men, you must be brave. I introduced Christianity to Mongolia. It didn't take, but it was worth a try.

St. Lucian: Tell us, good Reverend, what great deeds have you done to inspire the hearts of men?

Reverend Lovejoy: Well, I had the vestibule recarpeted.

St. Donickus: I've appeared in over eight thousand visions, and that's the lamest reply I've ever heard.

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, now please, I, I thought saints were supposed to be friendly.

St. Donickus: You ... you're just lucky God isn't here.

---

[Ned Flanders has been discovered trapped in the baboon habitat ("Baboon County, USA") in the zoo.]

Zookeeper: Jumpin' kangaroo rats!

Marge:You've got to get him out of there.

Zookeeper: Jeez, I'd love to, but if they don't kill the intruder it's really bad for their society.

---

[As the baboons close in, a train whistle sounds. Reverend Lovejoy has commandeered a kiddie train that runs along a mountain in the baboon pit.]

Lisa: It's Reverend Lovejoy!

Marge Simpson Marge: Thank heaven!

Reverend Lovejoy: Say your prayers you heathen baboons!

---

Ned Flanders: You saved me, Reverend. You really went above and beyond. Thank you.

Reverend Lovejoy: Oh, don't thank me, thank Marge Simpson. She taught me that there's more to being a minister than not caring about people.

Flanders: [chuckles] Amen.

[On a later day Reverend Lovejoy has the Sunday church crowd enthralled with retelling of the rescue of Ned Flanders.]

Reverend Lovejoy: Baboons to the left of me. Baboons to the right. The speeding locomotive tore through a sea of inhuman fangs. A pair of the great apes rose up at me but bam, bam! I sent them flying like two hairy footballs. A third came screaming at me - [imitates barking baboon] - and that's when I got mad.

Homer: Now, that's religion

[edit] Homer's Enemy [8.23]

[Alarms blare and red lights go on at Homer's work station]

Grimes: Simpson, you've got a 5-13! [Homer glances at his watch] No, a 5-13! In your procedures manual? A 5-13? [Homer stares at his watch again] Look at your control panel!

Homer: Oh, a five thir-teen. I'll handle it.

[Homer goes into his office and pours water on his control panel, shorting out the console and alarms]

Homer: That got it.

[Grimes stares flabbergasted through his window.]

---

Homer: Oh, I can’t believe it. I got an enemy. Me, the most beloved man in Springfield.

Moe: Ah, it's a weird world, Homer. As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither.

Homer: No, I won't accept that.

Moe: No, it's true. I got their names written down right here on what I call my, uh, "enemies list." [reaches under the bar for a sheet of paper]

Barney: [takes list and reads it] Jane Fonda, Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey! This is Richard Nixon's enemies list. You just crossed out his name and put yours.

Moe: Okay, gimmie that, gimmie it back. [takes list and writes] Barney Gumble.

---

Martin: Behold, the Nuclear Power Plant of the future today!

Burns: Yucch. Too cold and steril. Where's the heart?

Martin: But it really generates power. It, it's lighting this room right now. [turns a knob, dimming the auditorium lights]

Burns: You lose -- get off my property.

[edit] The Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase [8.24]

[Wiggum encounters the Simpsons at Mardi Gras]

Wiggum: If it isn't my old friends from Springfield, the Simpsons! What brings you folks to New Orleans?

Bart: Mardi Gras, man! When the Big Easy calls, you gotta accept the charges.

Lisa: Chief Wiggum, I can't wait to hear about all the exciting, sexy adventures you're sure to have against this colorful backdrop.

Wiggum: Well golly, I'd love to chat, but my son's been kidnapped. You haven't seen him, have you? Caucasian male, between the ages of six and ten, thinning hair.

Homer: [points to Ralph and Big Daddy] Over there.

Ralph: [points to Chief Wiggum] Look Big Daddy, it's regular daddy!

---

Ralph: [to Chief Wiggum] Daddy, when I grow up, I wanna be just like you!

Skinner(aka Skinny Boy): Better start eating, kid!

[edit] The Secret War of Lisa Simpson [8.25]

Bart: Military school!? You guys lied to me!

Homer: Well, I'm sorry if you heard "Disneyland," but I distinctly said, "military school!"

---

Cadet: I can't believe they let a girl in!

Cadet #2: Don't worry; we'll drive her out of the academy! That's why God invented hazing!

[edit] Season 9

[edit] The City of New York vs. Homer Simpson [9.01]

Moe: [as Homer, Barney, Lenny, Carl, and the 2 barflies (Larry the Wife Dodger and Sam the Ear Bender) walk in] Yeah, alright, listen up guys, the Springfield Police have told me that 91% of all traffic accidents are caused by you six guys.

[Moe's regulars exchange high-fives and cheer in triumph.]

Moe: Yeah, I know, I know, but the bad news is we gotta start having Designated Drivers. [the regulars moan and groan] We'll choose the same way they pick the Pope... [sets a giant glass jar with pickled eggs floating in it on the table] Everybody reach in and draw a pickled egg; whoever gets the black egg stays sober tonight.

---

Homer: New York is a hellhole. And you know how I feel about hellholes!

Lisa: Dad, you can't judge a place you've never been to.

Bart: Yeah, that's what people do in Russia.

[edit] The Principal and the Pauper [9.02]

Lisa: A rose by any other name would smell as sweet.

Bart: Not if you called 'em stench blossoms.

Homer: Or crapweeds.

Marge: I'd sure hate to get a dozen crapweeds for Valentine's Day. I'd rather have candy.

Homer: Not if they were called scumdrops.

---

Skinner: The judge offered me a choice: jail, the army, or apologize to the judge and old lady. Of course, if I knew there was a war going on, I probably would have apologized.

[edit] Lisa's Sax [9.03]

[The "All in the Family" opening:]

Homer: Boy, the way the Bee Gees played...

Marge: Movies John Travolta made...

Homer: Guessing how much Elvis weighed...

Homer & Marge: Those were the days!

Marge: And you knew where you were then...

Homer: Watching shows like "Gentle Ben"...

Homer & Marge: Mister, we could use a man like Sheriff Lobo again!

Homer: "Disco Duck" and Fleetwood Mac...

Marge: Coming out of my eight-track...

Homer & Marge: Michael Jackson still was black...Those were the daaayyyys!

---

Homer: Now son, on your first day of school, I'd like to pass along the words of advice my father gave me. [thinking what Grandpa told him]

Young Grandpa: Homer, you're as dumb as a mule and twice as ugly. If a strange man offers you a ride, I say take it!

Homer: Lousy traumatic childhood.

[edit] Treehouse of Horror VIII [9.04]

[The French neutron bomb nearly hits Kang and Kodos' ship]

Kodos: What the hell was that?!

Kang: (speaking into microphone) Calling home planet! This is Kang reporting a cigar-shaped object moving at tremendous speed!

Superior Rigellian: (on Rigel VII) Suuuure, Kang, I'm writing it all down.

[He and his fellow superiors laugh amongst themselves]

---

Mayor Quimby: You are all hereby found guilty of the crime of witchcraft. I sentence you hags to be burned at the stake until you are deemed fit to re-enter society.

[edit] The Cartridge Family [9.05]

Gun Shop Owner: Let's take a look at your background check. It says here you were in a mental hospital...

Homer: Yeah.

Gun Shop Owner: ...frequent problems with alcohol...

Homer: Oh Ho Ho Heh yeah.

Gun Shop Owner: ... beat up President Bush.

Homer: Former president. [cuffs his hands] And I would've done it again... [the gun shop owner stamps Homer's forms] "Potentially dangerous"?!

Gun Shop Owner: Relax. It just limits you to three handguns or less.

Homer: Woohoo!

---

Homer: But this gun had a hold on me. I felt this incredible surge of power, like God must feel when he's holding a gun.

---

Homer: [muttering] Lousy big shot, thinks he's so big 'cause he's got a lot of guns, if he didn't have any guns I'd show him a thing or two...[at home, pacing the hallway in front of Lisa's bedroom]

Homer: ...let's see him walk into my store and then we'll see who's worried about five-day waiting periods...

Lisa: Dad, it's 3:00 AM. Cant you mutter in your room?

Homer: Marge kicked me out.

Lisa: All right, go ahead.

Homer:Pushy kids think they can tell me what to do in my house, Why, I tell you these parents these days they don't know how to rear children...

---

Homer: Lisa, if I didn't have this gun, the king of England could walk right in here and start pushing you around.[Homer starts pushing Lisa around]

Homer: D'you want that? Huh? Do ya?

Lisa: No...

---

Homer: This gun has made me lose everything... my family, my friends, everything but my precious, precious gun.

---

Homer: A gun is not a weapon, Marge, it's a tool. Like a butcher knife or a harpoon, or, uh... or an alligator. You just need more education on the subject. Tell you what - you come with me to an NRA meeting, and if you still don't think guns are great, we'll argue some more.

---

Homer:Five days? But I'm mad now! I'd kill you if I had my gun.

---

Moe:Uh, hi, I'm Moe S.

Crowd:Hi, Moe.

Moe:Yeah, so last night I was closing up the bar, when some young punk comes in and tries to stick me up.

Crowd: [gasps]

Sideshow Mel:Whatever did you do, Moe?

Moe:Well, it coulda been a real ugly situation, but I managed to shoot him in the spine. (crowd applaud) Yeah, I guess the next place he robs better have a ramp! Ha ha!

---

Homer:Do you know how to cook dinner?

Milhouse:Do I?!

[edit] Bart Star [9.06]

Homer: Hello, son. I wanna apologize. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

---

Nelson's Father: Good game, son. We're going to celebrate at Hooters

Nelson: Ah... I don't wanna bother mom at work.

[edit] The Two Mrs. Nahasapeemapetilons [9.07]

Apu: Is it just me or do all of your plans involve some horrible web of lies?

Homer: It's you.

---

Grampa: baloney you came here to put me in a home.

Homer: You're already in a home.

Grampa: Oh how could you!

[edit] Lisa the Skeptic [9.08]

Lisa: Mr. Gould, I came to you to see about the angel nonsense.

Stephen Jay Gould: I agree. The whole thing is preposterous.

Lisa: I chipped off a piece of the angel's skeleton. I must warn you that I cannot pay much.

Stephen Gould: Lisa, I did not become a scientist for financial gain! Whatever little money you have will suffice.

Simpson residence

Lisa: In a moment you will all learn the truth about what this creature really is. Ah, and here comes Stephen Jay Gould with the test results.

Stephen Gould runs excitedly

Lisa: Mr. Gould, please tell them the results.

Stephen Gould: The results were...inconclusive!

Lisa groans

Lisa: Then why were running to our house in such an excited state?

Stephen Gould: May I use your bathroom?

---

Judge: Lisa Simpson, you are charged with destruction of an historic curiosity--a misdemeanor. But in a larger sense, this trial will settle the age-old question of science versus religion. Let the opening statements commence.

Prosecuting lawyer: Your Honor, over the coming weeks, and months, we intend to prove Lisa Simpson willfully destroyed--

Lenny: [points to window] There's the angel!

(Murmuring)

(The courtroom empties)

Judge: I find the defendant not guilty. As for Science versus Religion, I'm issuing a restraining order. Religion must stay 500 yards from Science at all times.

[edit] Realty Bites [9.09]

---

Homer: Ahh, I love these lazy Saturdays.

Marge: It's Wednesday, Homer!

Homer Aagh! Work!

[Later in the week]

Homer: Ahh, I love these real Saturdays, they're so relaxing. Not like that fake Saturday that almost got me fired!

---

[Later, Bart and Lisa have come up with a song to help Marge study for her realtor's license and are singing it to Homer]

Bart Lisa and Marge: Oh, on the closing day, the escrow agents pay, taxes, liens and interest too, thanks to Fannie Mae!

Bart: They back your baaaaank!

Homer You're all nuts.

---

Snake: Stop! That's my car! [a cloud of exhaust envelopes Snake, who coughs and sniffs]Hey, that smells like regular. She needs premium, dude! PREMIUM! DUUUUUDE!!

---

Lionel Hutz: We've been getting a lot of calls about you, Marge. People love your hands-off approach!

Marge: Well, it's like we say: the right house for the right person.

Lionel Hutz: Yeah, about that... "the right house" is the one that's for sale; the "right person" is anybody.

Marge: Mr. Hutz! You're not suggesting that I bend the truth!

Lionel Hutz: Marge, there's "the truth" (frowns) and there's "the truth!" (smiles wide). Just take a look at some of our properties.

Marge: That house is tiny.

Lionel Hutz: We prefer to say "cozy".

Marge: That house is dilapidated.

Lionel Hutz: "Handyman's dream".

Marge: That house is on fire!

Lionel Hutz: "Motivated seller".

---

(Marge has resisted telling Ned that his new house was the scene of a murder)

Ned Flanders: Oh! My d-iddly-ie, will you look at this place! [gasps] And the price has been slashed, repeatedly!

Maude Flanders: It's sure built solid. The kids could scream bloody murder and nobody would hear!

Ned Flanders: Well, I'm just gonna spill my guts, I love it to death! I'm gonna give you a deposit this minute! [begins writing check] Unless you can give me a reason not to!

Maude Flanders:Is there anything else we should know, Marge?

(A few minutes later)

Ned Flanders: (off-screen) [high pitched scream]] Aaaaaaah! Purple drapes! All my life I've wanted purple drapes! [high pitched scream]Aaaaaah!

---

[In the unemployment office, we see several familiar faces. Marge is at the front of the queue.]

Marge: Three hundred dollars for doing nothing? I feel like such a crook!

George Bush Sr.: Don't worry. Gets easier every week

[edit] Miracle on Evergreen Terrace [9.10]

(After finding out that the Simpsons Christmas tree was burned and buried in the snow and Bart lied about the burglar taking everything)

Moe: [disillusioned] So this was all a scam. And on Christmas.

Barney: Yeah. Jesus must be spinning in his grave!

---

(Marge reads a hate letter from the pile on the kitchen table)

Marge: "You'll all get yours in Hell, you lying thieving..." (hesitates): "blanking blankers. Sincerely, Moe."

Homer: Oh, great, we have to write him a thank-you card, too.

Marge: Homer, I know you're used to getting hate mail, but I'm not.

---

Bart: [crying] I saw a burglar, he-he was, he all our stuff! Included the tree.

Marge: [to Bart] We were robbed?

---

Bart: [to remember of Christmas tree it's fire to push extinguish] Naa-hooh, who designed this house?!

[edit] All Singing, All Dancing [9.11]

Marge: We got the popcorn. Did you get Waiting to Exhale?

Homer: Well, they put us on the Waiting to Exhale waiting list, but they said don't hold your breath.

---

Snake: [singing] A singing family, it's worse than I feared... for hostage purposes, you're just too weird! Bye!

[edit] Bart Carny [9.12]

Cooder: [Explaining the ring toss booth] The main thing is to bring in the rubes.

Spud: Do whatever it takes. Sweet talk, insults, slang from the '30s that no one uses anymore.

Bart: Like "rubes"?

Spud: Now you're on the trolley.

---

Nelson: You wrecked Hitler's car! What did he ever do to you?

[edit] The Joy of Sect [9.13]

Marge: I've never heard of these Movementarians; are they some kind of church?

Homer: Who cares what it is? The point is that these are some decent generous people that I can take advantage of.

Marge: But what if they try to talk us into something?

Homer: Marge, Marge, Marge [chuckles]. Remember when those smooth-talking guys tried to sell me a time-share vacation condo?

Marge: You bought four of them! Thank God the check bounced.

Homer: So I beat the system.

Lisa: Watch yourself, Dad. You're the highly suggestible type.

Homer: Yes, I am the highly suggestible type.

---

Movementarian woman: Would you rather have beer or complete and utter contentment?

Homer: What kind of beer?

Movementarian man: The Leader knows how miserable you, Marge, Lisa, Bart and Maggie are.

Homer: Really? I'm surprised about Maggie.

[edit] Das Bus [9.14]

Lisa: Point of order, if we want to learn anything, we must respect--

Bart: Point of "odor," Lisa stinks.

(children laugh)

Sherri/Terri: Hey, leave her alone.

Nelson: You leave her alone.

(children are all shouting at each other)

Ralph: [singing] O, Canada!

{Principal Skinner restores order by banging his shoe on the desk}

Principal Skinner: Order, order! Do you kids want to be like the real U.N., or do you just want to squabble and waste time?

---

Bart Simpson: Why is everyone so worried? Being marooned is the best thing that has ever happened to us.

Bart lapses into a fantasy accompanied by calypso music where all the kids are living on an island paradise and tuxedoed monkeys serve drinks. Scene then returns to reality

Bart: ...And every night we will have a bonfire where the monkey butlers will regale us with jungle stories.

Nelson: How many monkey butlers will there be?

Bart: Just one at first, but he will train others. We will be just like the Swiss Family Robinson, only with more cursing. We are going to live like kings. Damn hell ass kings!

---

Nelson: [taking an orange out of the cooler) Hey Simpson, race ya!

Bart: [taking an apple out] First one to the front of the bus gets Martin's lunch money!

Martin: Wha?

[The two put their fruits on the floor of the bus, beginning to roll to the front]

Bart: Go Apple!

Nelson: Go Orange!

(Ralph puts a banana, which does not roll, on the floor)

Ralph: Go Banana!

---

Homer: Welcome to the Internet, my friend. How can I help you?

Comic Book Guy: I'm interested in upgrading my 28.8 kilobaud Internet connection to a 1.5 megabit fiber optic T1 line. Will you be able to provide an IP router that's compatible with my token ring Ethernet LAN configuration?

Homer: [staring blankly] Can I have some money now?

[edit] The Last Temptation of Krust [9.15]

Krusty: Uh-huh. Charity, eh? What's my cut? Nothing? I make more than that takin' a "schwitz."

Jay Leno: He seems reluctant.

Bart: Tell him it will count towards his community service.

Krusty: Uh-huh. Uh-huh. All right, I'll do it. [groans] Boy, swipe one pair of Haggar slacks and you're payin' for it the rest of your life.

---

Moe is presenting Krusty's return to comedy

Moe: Hi, how're you folks doin'? I'm Moe, or as the ladies like to call me,"hey you, behind the bushes". [the audience doesn't respond]; [Moe taps on the microphone] Is this thing on?

Barney: No. Sorry, Moe. [Turns on the microphone]

[edit] Dumbbell Indemnity [9.16]

Homer: Why don't you sell your car?

Moe: Ah, my car ain't worth nothing, but it is insured for five grand. Homer, you gotta steal the car for me and wreck it.

Homer: Steal your car? I can just imagine what Marge would say.

Marge: [in thought balloon] Homer, I insist you steal that car!

Homer: I'll do it!

---

Homer: (scooting a cart of book to Moe's Tavern with his right leg) Must kill Moe! (holds onto the cart, riding along happily) WHHEEEEE!!! (goes back to scooting) Must kill Moe...! (holds again) WHHEEEEE!!!

[edit] Lisa the Simpson [9.17]

Grampa: (about Lisa) Aw, she's just upset 'cause I told her her brain's turnin' to mush. On accout of the Simpson Gene!

Marge: "Simpson Gene?" That's just foolishness!

Grampa: Nope. Baldness, too!

---

Grampa: Your dad used to be smart as a monkey, but then his mind started gettin' lazy, and now he's dumb as a chimp! And Bart used to be as smart as a chimp and now he's as dumb as a monkey.

[edit] This Little Wiggy [9.18]

(Lisa's model rocket flies into Mr. Burns's office at the nuclear plant)

Mr. Burns: Smithers! There's a rocket in my pocket!

Smithers (suggestively): You don't have to tell me, sir.

---

Bart: Your dad is chief of police, doesn't he have any cool police stuff?

Ralph: Just in his closet, but he said I'm not allowed to go in there.

Bart: Did he say I'm not allowed to go in there?

Ralph: Yes.

[edit] Simpson Tide [9.19]

---

Captain Tenille: I'm a man of few words. [long pause] Any questions?

Homer: Is a poop deck really what I think it is?

Captain Tenille: [chuckles] I like the cut of your jib.

Homer: What's a jib?

Captain Tenille: [laughs] Promote that man.

---

Captain Tenille: Tell me young man, what do you want out of life?.

Homer: [straining to reach the peas on the table] I want peeeas...

Captain Tenille: Oh, we all want peace! But it's always just out of reach. [Homer groans and sits back in his chair] So, what's the best way to get peace?.

Homer: [reaching out and picking up peas on his knife] With a knife.

Captain Tenille: Exactly! Not with the olive branch but the bayonet! Ah, Simpson, you're like the son I never had.

Homer: And you're like the father I never visit.

---

Kent Brockman: Well sir, "treason season" started early this year, [a photo of Homer dressed in a Cossack outfit standing outside St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow and holding a bottle of vodka while performing the Cossack dance appears during Brockman's report] as a nuclear sub was hijacked by local man Homer Simpson.

Marge: Oh my God!

Lisa: I told him that photo would come back to haunt him.

---

Russian UN Delegate: The Soviet Union will be pleased to offer amnesty to your wayward vessel.

United States UN Delegate: The "Soviet Union"? I thought you guys broke up?

Russian UN Delegate: [pushes a button on his desk causing the 'Russia' sign to flip over and reveal a 'Soviet Union' sign] Yes, that's what we wanted you to think! Mwahahahahahaha!

---

Lenin: [smashes way out of glass display case] Must... crush... capitalism. Grr, argh...

---

Kent Brockman: Could Homer Simpson be a communist? His father spoke out on his behalf.

Grandpa: My Homer is not a communist. He may be a liar, a pig, an idiot, a communist, but he is not a porn star!

---

Barney: [over the com] Mayday mayday! The engine room has sprung a leak! It's filling up with a clear, non-alcoholic liquid.

Homer: You mean water?

Barney: Yeah, that's it.

---

[Homer is being court-martialled]

Admiral 1: Seaman Simpson, your actions have given the navy a black eye from which it may never recover. I would throw the book at you, but I've been indicted in the Tailhook scandal. [puts his hat on] Goodbye. [stands up and leaves]

Admiral 2: I too would punish you, but I'm under indictment for accepting bribes from military contractors. [put on his hat, stands up and leaves]

Admiral 3: I torpedoed a carnival cruise ship. [puts on hat, stands up and leaves]

Admiral 4: [stands] Impersonating the First Lady. [puts on a blonde wig and leaves]

[Homer is left alone in the room with the janitor]

Janitor: I think you're off the hook.

Homer: WOOHOO!

---

[edit] The Trouble with Trillions [9.20]

(Scrambling to complete his taxes)

Homer: Marge, how many kids do we have? Oh, no time to count, I'll just estimate! Uh . . . nine!

Marge:Homer, you know we don't have--

Homer: Shut up! Shut up! If I don't hear you, it's not illegal! Okay I need some deductions. Deductions... Oh, business gifts! (hands Marge the sailboat painting from above the couch) Here you go, keep using nuclear power.

Marge: Homer, I painted that for you.

Homer: Okay, Marge, if anyone asks, you require twenty-four hour nursing care, Lisa's a clergyman, Maggie is seven people, and Bart was wounded in Vietnam!

Bart: Cool!

---

Agent Johnson: We believe Burns still has that bill hidden somewhere in his house, but all we've ascertained from satellite photos is that it's not on the roof.

[edit] Girly Edition [9.21]

Store Clerk: May I inquire as to how you are differently abled?

Homer: Oh, I'm not handicapped. I'm just lazy.

---

(Bart has aired a segment of "Bart's People" featuring the man that fed the ducks, but they left to the other side of the pond)

Mr. Burns: (sniffling) Smithers, do you think maybe my power plant killed those ducks?

Smithers: There's no maybe about it, sir.

Mr. Burns: Excellent.

[edit] Trash of the Titans [9.22]

Homer: This is a very, very proud day for us! Especially me, your father, me, beat City Hall! It's just like David and Goliath, only this time, David won!

---

Ray Patterson: Sorry I'm late everyone. Somebody tampered with my brakes!

Homer: Well then you should have been early!

---

Mayor Quimby: Simpson, you idiot! You spent the annual budget in a month! You department is bankrupt!

Homer: I do believe I have the perfect plan.

Mayor Quimby: You had better, because those garbagemen will not work for free.

Homer: DOH!

---

Homer calmly enters his office with a briefcase, where he is greeted by a bunch of angry sanitation workers

Garbageman #1: Where are our paychecks, you bum?

Head Garbageman: My men ain't working one more minute until we get paid.

Homer unhinges briefcase to reveal stacks of money

Homer: Will cash do?

Head Garbageman: Will it ever!

Mayor Quimby barges into Homer's office

Mayor Quimby: Did I just hear a briefcase opening?

---

Homer: I bet you are all wondering how I got the money.

Bart: Was it drugs?

Lisa: I can only imagine you dealt drugs.

Marge: I am going to have to say it was drugs, too.

Homer: Close, but you are way off.

[edit] King of the Hill [9.23]

Rainier Wolfcastle: McBain to base! Under attack by Commie-Nazis!

---

[As Marge uses a telescope to look up at the mountain Homer just climbed]

Marge: Is that your wallet?

Homer: D'OH!!!

[edit] Lost Our Lisa [9.24]

(as Homer and Lisa are breaking into the Springfield Museum)

Homer: Lisa, could you get the window? The police have Daddy's prints on file.

---

[Lisa finds herself in an ethnic part of Springfield]

Lisa: [to herself] Huh, I didn't know Springfield had a Russian district. [comes across two men playing chess] Uh, excuse me. I'm kinda lost. Can you tell me how to get to the museum?

Man 1: [angrily] Moe udovoljstvie! Muzej - shestj blokov tot putj! [My pleasure! The museum is six blocks that way!]

[Lisa runs off screaming]

Man 1: [calmly] Ona poshla nepraviljnыj putj. [She went the wrong way.]

Man 2: [makes his move] Porazhenie. [Checkmate.]

Man 1: [throws the board on the ground] Horoshaja igra! Kak o drugom?! [Good game! How about another?!]

[edit] Natural Born Kissers [9.25]

(Homer and Marge rush over to some garden ornaments naked; Marge stands behind birds and a flower, Homer stands behind two lumberjacks sawing a log)

Homer: Marge, can we switch? I don't trust these guys!

---

Reverend: Now lets all thank the lord for this our new crystal church for us to behold all his natural glory.

[Homer's backside is sliding across the top of it the roof, making a huge noise]

Reverend: Now hurry, let's all look down and admire God's new parquet floor. [Eyes closed looking down as Homer still passes by on the ceiling] Eyes on the floor, still on the floor, always on God's floor.

[edit] Season 10

[edit] Lard of the Dance [10.01]

Alex: Your name's Lisa? Shut up, I love that name!

Lisa: Did she just tell me to "shut up?"

---

(Bart and Homer are escaping from Groundskeeper Willie through the air ducts. Willie grabs Homer by the ankle.)

Willie: not so fast, boyo. Hell, if it was up to me, I'd let ya go. (Raises his fists.) But, the lads have a temper, and they've been drinking all day!

(Willie starts punching Homer with hard blows while Homer is screaming in pain.)

Homer: Ow! Stop pummeling me! It's really painful!

Willie: (Willie stops briefly.) Okay, fine. I'll strangle ya for a while! (Willie strangles Homer with his hose, and one of Homer's eyes bulges out of its socket.)

[edit] The Wizard of Evergreen Terrace [10.02]

Homer: (Homer is showing his family his new inventions.) This is my "Everything's Okay Alarm." (Picks up a device that looks like a smoke detector and presses a button. It starts beeping loudly.) (Homer shouting.) THIS ALARM WILL SOUND EVERY 3 SECONDS, UNLESS SOMETHING ISN'T OKAY!

Marge: HOMER, TURN IT OFF!

Homer: IT CAN'T BE TURNED OFF! (The beeping starts weakening, then stops completely.) But, it does break easily.

(Homer bangs his head on the table.) Homer: DAMN IT!

---

Lisa: Dad, women won't like being shot in the face.

Homer: Women will like what I tell them to like.

[edit] Bart the Mother [10.03]

(after Marge sees the bird Bart shot)

Marge: Bart! Did you kill that poor bird?

Bart: I didn't mean to, Mom. The gun pulled to the left.

Marge: You disobeyed me, snuck over here, and murdered a helpless animal?!

Bart: I know, I really screwed up. I deserve to be punished.

Marge (sighs dejectedly): Oh, what's the point, Bart? I punish, and I punish, and I punish, but it never sinks in. So you know what? Do what you want. You wanna play with little hoodlums? Fine! Have fun killing things! (gets in her stationwagon and drives off)

---

Troy McClure: Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such nature films as "Earwigs, ewwww" and "Man vs. Nature: The Road to Victory"

[edit] Treehouse of Horror IX [10.04]

Marge: Homer, Kang is Maggie's father.

Homer: (gasps) You intergalactic hussy! How could you?! (starts crying) Was he better than me?

---

Kang: Any-hoo, this is your last chance. Turn over the baby now!

Kodos: Or we will destroy all your leaders in Washington!

Marge: [not intimidated] Oh, you can't destroy every politician!

Kodos: [darkly] Just watch us.

[Kang and Kodos laugh maniacally as they enter their spaceship and take off.]

Bart: Don't forget Ken Starr!

[edit] When You Dish Upon a Star [10.05]

Homer: Ooh, I'm soaring like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft!

---

Homer: When was the last time Barbra Streisand ever did the laundry for you? And when it's time to do the dishes, where's Ray Bolger?! I'll tell you where! RAY BOLGER IS LOOKING OUT FOR RAY BOLGER!!!

[edit] D'oh-in in the Wind [10.06]

Dr. Hibbert: If that were a gladiola, he'd be dead right now!

Marge: Shouldn't you just pull it out?

Dr. Hibbert: (Trademark Laugh) I'm a doctor not a gardener!

Homer: Couldn't you just trim some of the leaves so I can watch TV?

Dr. Hibbert: Now what did I just say?!

---

Young Homer on mural: How could you let me turn into you?

Homer: But but but the poncho.

Young Homer:(Mocking) but but but the poncho! Hit the road square!

[edit] Lisa Gets an "A" [10.07]

Skinner: And, for the first time ever, our computer lab actually has a computer in it!

(Ralph is sitting at their newly installed computer, engrossed in an educational spelling program)

Ralph: Hi, Lisa! Hi, Principal Skinner! Hi, Super Nintendo Chalmers! (he types "cat," which prompts a "meow" sound from the computer) I'm learn-ding.

Lisa: Aw, way to go, Ralph.

---

(Bart and Lisa are outside the boys' bathroom)

Lisa: Hey, I can't go in there!

Bart: Relax, there's nothing here you didn't see when Dad boycotted pants.

[edit] Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble" [10.08]

Homer: If I die in the operation, will ya do one thing for me.

Marge: Oooh, anything sweetheart.

Homer: (serious tone) Blow up the hospital.

---

(after hearing Homer's story of how he ran away from his dying father after promising him one of his kidneys)

Concertina Player: (in a French accent): I stole this accordian from a blind monkey, but you (spits): You disgust even me!

[edit] Mayored to the Mob [10.09]

Homer: Oh My God, I killed the Mayor! Alright, stay calm. I'll just use the body to stage an elaborate farce a la Weekend At Bernie's.

---

Bart: If I was Fat Tony, and God willing someday I will be, I'd just be stewing in my jail cell getting angrier and angrier.

Homer: I don't have to worry about that, he's already out on bail. Well, I'm off to work.

Marge: You're guarding the mayor, after Fat Tony swore revenge?

Homer: I have to, Marge. Besides, those mobsters don't scare me. Bart, will you start daddy's car?

Marge: Homer!

Homer: What? Nothing bad will happen.

Bart: Well, then you start it.

Homer: Fine, I'll take a cab.

[edit] Viva Ned Flanders [10.10]

Homer: Oh, slave girl!

[edit] Wild Barts Can't Be Broken [10.11]

Homer: Stupid Isotopes. Hurry up and lose so we can get outta here!

Lisa: Why do you hate the Isotopes so much, Dad?

Homer: Because I loved them once and they broke my heart. Let that be a lesson to you, sweetie. Never love anything.

Lisa: Even you?

Homer: Especially me.

Bart: But you gotta support the team, Dad! They're already threatening to move to Moose Jaw.

Marge: That's right! Like my mother always said, you've got to stick it out, even if you picked the loser ... (sees Homer picking at his ear and looking at his finger afterward) ...to the bitter end.

---

Professor Frink: I have captured the signal, and am presently triangulating the vectors, and compressing the data down, in order to express it as a function of my hand. [points.] They're over therrrrrrrrre!

[edit] Sunday, Cruddy Sunday [10.12]

Moe: Bye weeks. Bronko Nagurski didn't get no bye weeks, and now he's dead! [pause] Well... maybe they're a good thing.

[edit] Homer to the Max [10.13]

Marge: But I fell in love with Homer Simpson. I don't wanna snuggle with Max Power.

Max (Homer): Nobody snuggles with Max Power - You strap yourself in and feel the G's! [performs a hip gyration]

Marge: Oh, Lord...

Max: And it doesn't stop in the bedroom. Oh no! I'm taking charge! Kids, there's three ways to do things! The right way, the wrong way, and the Max Power way!

Bart: Isn't that the wrong way?

Max: Yeah, but faster!

---

Max: Awww, this is the worst party ever.

Marge: Remember that New Year's Eve party at Lenny's? He didn't even have a clock.

[edit] I'm With Cupid [10.14]

(Homer is telling Lisa a bedtime story)

Homer: ...and then the handsome prince realized he had to go to the bathroom really bad, but the evil ogre -- Barney -- had left the men's room in the most wicked condition! So the prince went out back to the enchanted alley --

Lisa: That's not a fairy tale; it's something that happened to you at Moe's!

Homer: Sssh. Anyway, the prince passed out for a hundred years, until he was awakened by the kiss of a noble raccoon!

---

Homer Everybody's marriages is falling apart except ours. You see the problem is communication.... too much communication.

---

Homer: People! It's easy to blame ourselves, but it's even easier to blame Apu!

[edit] Marge Simpson in: "Screaming Yellow Honkers" [10.15]

Zookeeper: Boy, that Stone Phillips sounds like quite a bloke. What television network is he on?

Bart: Why, NBC, of course.

Lisa: NBC has lots of great shows, and their news and sports coverage can't be beat.

Wiggum: Do you think there's anything great on NBC right now?

Homer: Oh, I'm sure of it.

Marge: But there's only one way to find out.

(cut to the closing credits)

Homer (voice-over): I'd like to read the following statement, but I do so under ... (sound of gun cocking)... my own free will. It has come to my attention that NBC sucks. I apologize for misleading you and urge you to watch as many Fox shows as possible. So in summary, NBC - bad. Fox - good. (very softly) CBS great.

(sound of gunshot, followed by a thud. The Gracie Studios logo appears, accompanied by three more gunshots. According to the audio commentary, George Meyer came up with the idea of shooting an already dead corpse a few times, he called them "safety shots.")

---

Bart Simpson: I didn't think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows.

[edit] Make Room for Lisa [10.16]

Lisa: Wow, I've been a cat, a tree, and Cokie Roberts. It's happening again. I wonder where I'm going this time. What's that?

[A sandwich appears on a black background]

Lisa: Yuck! That sandwich is full of meat. [As the meats rotate] There's bacon, Canadian bacon, Mexican bacon [drooling] and a mouth-watering veal chop.

[two arms come from either side of the screen, grab the sandwich. Lisa takes a bite]

Lisa: Oh, no, now I'm dad!

[background, from Homer's point of view, fades in. He's at a ballet]

Lisa (as Homer): Oh, and I'm at a stupid boring ballet.

---

Homer: Relax, Lisa! Meet your new roommate! (Hums The Odd Couple Theme)

Bart: I'm gonna make your life a living hell!

Homer: (Still hums The Odd Couple and shoves Lisa in)

[edit] Maximum Homerdrive [10.17]

Female Trucker: There goes the finest trucker who ever lived!

Homer: He called me Greenhorn. I called him Tony Randall. It was a thing we had.

Male Trucker: In 38 years, he never missed a shipment. Well, it looks like this is one delivery old Red won't be making.

Homer: Oh, yes he will....AND ON TIME, TOO!

Marge: Oh no, Homer, NO!

Homer: I have to, Marge. I owe it to Red as both his friend and his killer!

---

Homer: Don't you have school?

Bart: Don't you have work?

Homer: Ahh, Touché.

[edit] Simpsons Bible Stories [10.18]

Homer (as Adam): [to Marge (as Eve)] You're pretty uptight for a naked chick.

---

(The Simpsons watch as their neighborhood is engulfed by The Apocalypse)

Marge: Oh, no! It's the Apocalypse! Bart, are you wearing clean underwear?

Bart: Not anymore.

Lisa: It's The Rapture, and I never knew true love!

Homer: I never used those pizza coupons.

[edit] Mom and Pop Art [10.19]

[Homer is getting hit by soup cans thrown by Andy Warhol]

Andy Warhol: Soup's on, Fat Boy!

[Homer is on the ground whimpering. Warhol approaches him with a larger soup can. Homer awakes from the dream.]

Homer: Andy! No!

Marge: Homer! Homer!

Homer: [waking up] Oh, Marge! Why does art hate me? I never did anything to art. [He holds up his arm, his fist is through one of Andy Warhol's Soup Can paintings) Oh. Let's get out of here.

---

Homer (as he looks at a picture of "Life in Hell"'s Akbar and Jeff): Matt Groening?! What's he doing in a museum? He can barely draw.

[edit] The Old Man and The "C" Student [10.20]

Abe: Settle a bet. Mole or boil?

---

Bart: Hey, Chalmers, where are you from?

Superintendent Chalmers: Well, I was born in Queens, went to Ball state, then made the move to Intercourse, Pennsylvania.Uh, why do you ask?

(Bart is about to say something when Skinner Quickly puts his hand over his mouth)

Principal Skinner: Uh, don't worry, sir. I'll teach these children some respect for their town. I'm assigning each of you 20 hours of Community Service.

(the children walk offstage, groaning and moaning)

Ralph: Intercourse?

Superintendent Chalmers: Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to my vacation at Lake Titicaca. Try to make a joke out of that, Mr. Smart Guy.

(Bart looks at Skinner, and Skinner waves his hands "no")

[edit] Monty Can't Buy Me Love [10.21]

Mr Burns: It's time to win the love of these hate-filled morons.

---

Mr Burns: Simpson! I want to be loved.

Homer: Well, I'll need some beer.

[edit] They Saved Lisa's Brain [10.22]

(Homer talks to the boudoir photographer over the phone)

Homer: You're not going to ask me to pose nude, are you?

Photographer: Well, yes, unless you have issues about revealing your body.

Homer: I don't, but the block association seems to. They wanted a "traditional" Santa.

---

Lisa: [writing her letter] We can better ourselves!

[Lisa then sees a naked Bart riding a pig in the hallway]

Lisa: [to herself] Well, most of us.

[edit] Thirty Minutes Over Tokyo [10.23]

PA: Welcome to Japan, folks. The local time is tomorrow.

---

Japanese toilet: Welcome. I am honored to accept your waste.

Homer: (gasps) They're years ahead of us!

[edit] Season 11

[edit] Beyond Blunderdome [11.01]

Mel Gibson: John Travolta flew me in his jet. Now I have to help him move next weekend. He deliberately waited 'til we were in the air to ask me!

---

Hannah: Oh, no! We killed Mel Gibson!

Christian: You all saw it. He came at me with a knife, right?

(Trio drives up to the dummy)

Milo: Jesus! It's just a dummy.

Christian: I know but he sells tickets. (Hannah and Milo are confused) Let's go.

[edit] Brother's Little Helper [11.02]

Mark McGwire:Young Bart here is right. We are spying on you, pretty much around the clock.

Bart: But why, Mr. McGwire?

Mark McGwire: Do you want to know the terrifying truth, or do you want to see me sock a few dingers?

Crowd: Dingers! Dingers!

---

[Burns observes Bart's tank rampage through binoculars]

Burns: Smithers, we're at war!

Smithers: I'll begin profiteering, sir.

Burns: And hoarding! Leave it to the Democrats to let the Spaniards back in the pantry!

---

Chief Wiggum: That's the end of your Looney Tune, Drugs Bunny. You're under arrest for astro-vandalism.

Moe: And may God help you if that thing carried The Spice Channel!

---

Marge: Well, I'm not going to give my baby any more dangerous drugs. From now on, it's nothing but fresh air, lots of hugs, and good old-fashioned Ritalin.

[hands Bart some Ritalin]

Bart: You said a mouthful.

[takes pills] [singing to the tune of "Popeye, the Sailor Man"]

When I can't stop my fiddlin' I just takes me Ritalin I'm poppin' and sailin', man!

[edit] Guess Who's Coming to Criticize Dinner? [11.03]

Homer: I smell cake! Cake that says (sniff sniff) "Farewell" and (sniff sniff) "Best Wishes"!

Nelson: Your old man has an awesome nose.

Bart: Oh, that's nothing. He can hear pudding.

man #1: everything's a rave; nine thumbs up? what the hell is that?!!

---

Newspaper editor: ...And to protect Mother Earth, each copy contains a certain percentage of recycled paper.

Lisa: And what percent is that?

Newspaper editor: Zero.

(Lisa frowns)

Newspaper editor: Zero’s a percent!

[edit] Treehouse of Horror X [11.04]

Tom Arnold: My shows weren't great, but I never tied people up and forced them to watch. And I could've, because I'm a big guy and I'm good with knots.

---

Homer: The sun?! That's the hottest place on Earth!

[edit] E-I-E-I-(Annoyed Grunt) [11.05]

(after it's been decided that the family will live on Grampa's old farm)

Bart: I'll dig an outhouse!

Lisa: I'll weed the floor!

Marge: I'll repress the rage I'm feeling! (plasters a fake smile on her face)

---

(Homer is offering tomacco to Ralph Wiggum and his father, Police Chief Clancy Wiggum)

Homer: Try some, won't you?

Chief Wiggum: Go ahead, Ralphie; the stranger is offering you a treat!

Ralph Wiggum: (Takes a bit and immediately spits it out) Oh, Daddy, this tastes like Grandma!

Chief Wiggum: (Does the same) Holy Moses! It DOES tastes like Grandma!

Ralph Wiggum: I want more! (Starts devouring more tomacco)

Chief Wiggum: Yeah, me too; so we take a bushel or a peck, or...? Oh, just give 'em to me. (Joins his son)

Homer: (chuckles)

[edit] Hello Gutter, Hello Fadder [11.06]

(Homer tries to bond with Maggie by dressing up as a Teletubby)

Homer (in baby talk): Look, Maggie, I'm Homie-Womie, the Teletubby. (sternly): And I'm all man in case you heard otherwise!

---

Homer: [playing peek-a-boo] Where's Maggie? Where's Maggie? [uncovers his eyes] Hey, where is she?

[edit] Eight Misbehavin' [11.07]

(As Apu and Manjula await the results of the pregnancy test)

Apu: Here goes nothing.

Apu and Manjula: (as symbols appear on the tester) Baby... baby... lemon.

Manjula: All that sex for nothing.

Apu: Well, that is a pretty grim assessment.

---

(Apu is asleep with the babies)

Manjula: Apu, it's 4 am. You're late for work.

Apu: Oh. I just had the most beautiful dream where I died.

Manjula: Oh no you don't! Not til they're out of college.

Apu: Listen, I'll die when I want to!

[edit] Take My Wife, Sleaze [11.08]

Homer: The first meeting of Hell's Satans comes to order.

Flanders: I move that we reconsider our club name. Make it something a little less blasphemous. After all we don't want to go to hell.

Lenny: How about the Devil's Pals.

Flanders: No, see-

Moe: Or the Christ Punchers!

---

Meathook: (to Homer)There's only one reasonable way to settle this, you and me in the circle of death.

Marge: Ohh, I just swept the circle of death.

[edit] Grift of the Magi [11.09]

Gary Coleman: Well, well, if it isn't the biggest rip-off since "Webster."

---

Fat Tony: I don't get mad, I get stabby.

---

Principal Skinner: This is a proud day. Now when people ask if we're in compliance the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1975, I can say, we are closer than ever before!

[edit] Little Big Mom [11.10]

(Homer tries to remember what the ski instructor told him in an emergency, but his thoughts get invaded by Flanders showing off his new skiing attire.)

Flanders: Feels like I'm wearing nothin' at all!

("Nothin' at all!" echoes several times.)

Homer: Stupid sexy Flanders... Ow, my legs! This is the worst pain ever!

---

Homer: Hello? Lollipop Land?

[edit] Faith Off [11.11]

Homer: (Cooking meat) Okay, who needs another lamb rack? (Marge and Bart nod no) Lisa? Ham hock, Try tip?

Lisa: Do we have any food that wasn't brutally slaughtered?

Homer: Well I think the veal died of loneliness.

---

Bart: Hey Brother Faith, how did you get the bucket off my dad's head?

Brother Faith: Well I didn't son, you did. God has given you the power.

Bart: Really? Hmmm.. I would think he would want to limit my power.

[edit] The Mansion Family [11.12]

[Mr Burns is filling in a medical form.]

Mr Burns: Let's see, social security number: naught, naught, naught ... naught, naught ... naught, naught, naught, two. Damn Roosevelt! Cause of parents' death: got in my way.

---

Doctor: Mr. Burns, I'm afraid you are the sickest man in the United States. You have everything.

Mr. Burns: You mean I have pneumonia?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Juvenile diabetes?

Doctor: Yes.

Mr. Burns: Hysterical pregnancy?!

Doctor: Uh, a little bit, yes. You also have thousands of diseases that have just been discovered, in you.

Mr. Burns: You're sure you haven't just made thousands of mistakes?

[edit] Saddlesore Galactica [11.13]

Wiggum: This is clearly a case of animal cruelty. Uh, do you have a permit for that?

Barker: No problem, sir, it's in my car.

<gets in, and quickly drives off>

Lou:You've gotta stop being so trusting, Chief.

Chief Wiggum: I'd rather let a thousand guilty men go free than chase after them.

---

Chief Wiggum: All right, show's over, folks. I'm afraid this horse is going to the dog food factory.

Homer: Good luck getting a horse to eat dog food.

---

<The family sit at the kitchen table, Homer talks about Duncan loosing every race>

Homer: Thats it! If that horse does not start winning soon then we are going on a trip to the glue factory and he won't be invited!

---

<Homer enters Bart's room having just been confronted by a group of Elves who have told him to make Bart and the horse lose the race>

Homer: Bart don't ask me why but you have to lose the big race.

Bart: LOSE THE BIG RACE?! Are you crazy this is what Duncan has been working for.

Homer: I know son but I have a feeling we have been pushing him hard.

Bart: It's just one more race and I've got a good feeling about this one dad.

Homer: Oh ok son. Don't you worry, I'll deal with those murderous trolls...

<Homer slams his clenched fist into his other hand like Robin from the Batman TV series>

Bart: Erm...Dad what did you just say?

<Homer realises what he has said and quickly tries to correct himself>

Homer: I mean...I'll deal with those murderous trolls...

<Bart looks on as Homer leaves>

[edit] Alone Again, Natura-Diddily [11.14]

Homer: Now, now, now, don't beat yourself up. I'm the one who drove her out of her seat. I'm the one who provoked the lethal barrage of T-shirts. I'm the one who parked in the ambulance zone, preventing any possible resuscitation. [notices Ned glaring at him] Yeah, I, uh, but there's no point in playing the blame game.

---

Homer: I'm sure your wife is dating a lot of people in heaven!

Ned: Are you sure?

Homer: Positive, there's a lot of hot people up there. There's John Wayne, Tupac Shakur, Sherlock Holmes-

Ned: Ah, now Sherlock Holmes is a character.

Homer: Oh he sure was! [does a sexy growl]

[edit] Missionary: Impossible [11.15]

TV: You're watching PBS.

Bart: You're watching PBS?

Homer: Hey, I'm as surprised as you. But I've stumbled across a delicious new comedy about soccer hooligans. If they're not having a go with a bird, they're having a row with a wanker.

---

[Homer has just arrived on the island and he doesn't know what to do]'

Homer: But I don't know what to do!

Craig: Well, we taught them some English and we ridiculed away most of their beliefs. You can take it from there.

[edit] Pygmoelian [11.16]

Moe: (after looking at his face in the year's calendar) Am I really that ugly?

Carl: Moe, it's all relative. Just like, is Lenny that dumb? (Lenny gasps) Is Barney that drunk? (Barney gasps) Is Homer that lazy, bald, and fat? (Homer gasps)

Moe: Oh, God, this is worse than I thought! (He, Lenny, Barney, and Homer break down sobbing.)

Carl: (looking at the view of the camera) See, this is why I don't talk much.

---

Lisa: [reading from a sticker] A gay president for 2084?

Gay Man: We're realistic.

[edit] Bart to the Future [11.17]

Homer Simpson: Oh, what a bleak and horrible future we live in!

Bart Simpson: Don't you mean "present?"

Homer Simpson: Right, right. Present.

---

[The Simpsons have a family meal at the White House, now that Lisa is President.]

Marge Simpson: So, how was everyone's day?

Lisa Simpson: Appointed a Supreme Court justice.

Bart Simpson: Bewitched marathon.

Homer Simpson: Searched for Lincoln's gold.

Lisa Simpson: Dad, that's just a myth. Lincoln didn't bury any gold in the White House.

Homer Simpson: Then what is his ghost protecting?

[edit] Days of Wine and D'oh'ses [11.18]

(as Homer and Bart are "celebrating" Trash Night)

Homer: I can't believe I found this muscle shirt.

Bart: Dad, that's a sports bra.

Homer: All I know is that I'm getting the support I need.

---

Bart: You did it, Dad!

Homer: [drunk] You can't prove I did it.

Lisa: No, you saved our lives.

Homer: I could do a lot of things if I had some money.

[edit] Kill the Alligator and Run [11.19]

Doctor: What you need is a good, long rest. I suggest Florida.

Homer: Florida? But that's America's wang!

Doctor: They prefer, "The Sunshine State."

---

(Bart gets paid three dollars for delivering Homer's mail)

Bart: Hey, this isn't real. This is printed by the Montana Militia.

Homer (threateningly): It'll be real soon enough!

---

Homer: Arizona smells funny.

[edit] Last Tap Dance in Springfield [11.20]

Ralph: My daddy shoots people!

---

Homer: For an evening or a week, there's no place like the mall. Food, fun and fashion, the mall has it all.

[edit] It's A Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad Marge [11.21]

Sqeaky-Voiced Teen: And God said, "Gather two of every flavor, anoint them with sixty-two sauces, whipped cream, and nuts, and ye shall call it, 'The Ark'!

---

Ice Cream Store Clerk: [after Marge throws sprinkles at his eyes] I can only see a horrible rainbow!

[edit] Behind the Laughter [11.22]

Lisa: To prolong the run of the series, I was secretly given anti-growth hormones. [camera switch to Homer]

Homer: That's impossible! How would I have gotten all four necessary drops into her cereal? [pause] What?

---

Homer Simpson: Why did I take such punishment? Let's just say that fame was like a drug. But what was even more like a drug was the drugs.

[edit] Season 12

[edit] Treehouse of Horror XI [12.01]

Homer: Did you see that? I did the deed, open the gates!

St. Peter: [reading a newspaper] What? Oh sorry, I didn't see that.

Homer: What? I thought you guys saw everything!

St. Peter: No, you're thinking of Santa Claus.

Homer: Well I'll be damned!

St. Peter: Afraid so. [pulls a cord, sending Homer to Hell]

---

Dolphin: Your majesty! You're free at last!

Snorky: They made me do tricks like a common seal!

[edit] A Tale of Two Springfields [12.02]

Moe: Homer stole our rock performers! That fat, dumb, and bald guy sure plays some real hardball.

---

Bart: C'mon, Lis, there's gotta be a way to lure that badger out.

Lisa: Well, according to whatbadgerseat.com, badgers subsist primarily on a diet of stoats, voles, and marmots.

Bart: [hunts through the kitchen cabinets] Hmm, stoats... stoats ...

Lisa: Stoats are weasels, Bart. They don't come in cans.

Bart: Then what's this? [triumphantly holds up a can]

Lisa: That says corn, Bart.

Bart: Must you embarrass me?

---

Kent Brockman: [about "New Springfield"] Scientists say they're also less attractive physically, and while we speak in a well-educated manner they tend to use low-brow expressions like "oh yeah?" and "come here a minute!"

Homer: Oh yeah? They think they're better than us, huh?! Bart, come here a minute.

Bart: You come here a minute!

Homer: Oh yeah?

[edit] Insane Clown Poppy [12.03]

Stephen King: I'm working on a biography of Benjamin Franklin. He's a fascinating man. He discovered electricity and used it to torture small animals and innocent babies. And that key he tied to the end of a kite? It opened the gates of HELL!

---

Marge: Look, Maggie. Christopher Walken's reading "Goodnight Moon"!

Christopher Walken: "Goodnight room. Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon!" (children listening slowly back away terrified) Please, children, scoot closer. Don't make me tell you again about the scooting. You in the red, chop chop.

---

Marge: Homer that's not prayer that's gossip.

Homer: Fine I'll discuss heavenly matters. (to God) So how's Maude Flanders doing up there, is she playing the field? Heh heh. Really all those guys? (family stares at him in shock) Amen. (starts eating)

---

Krusty: Listen, kid, I'm not the kind of dad who, you know, does things, or says stuff or looks at ya. But the love is there!

[edit] Lisa the Tree Hugger [12.04]

Marge: Oh no! My baby's up there!

Lisa: It's okay, Mom! [holds up rope] I have a safety line!

Homer: [to Jesse:] This is your fault, with your non-threatening Bobby-Sherman-style good looks! No girl could resist your charms!

Jesse: This was her choice, Mr. Simpson.

Homer: I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. I was lost in your eyes.

---

Jesse: I'm a level five vegan -- I won't eat anything that casts a shadow

Bart: I don't have a cap (to Marge)

[edit] Homer vs. Dignity [12.05]

Marge: When did we become the bottom rung of society?

Homer: I think it was when that cold snap killed off all the hobos.

---

Kent Brockman: Whether you're Christian, or just non-Jewish, everyone loves Santa Claus!

[edit] The Computer Wore Menace Shoes [12.06]

Leader of The Island": (to his female assistant after Homer bursts a giant bubble designed to stop him leaving): Why did you think a big balloon would stop people?

Assistant: Shut up! That's why!

---

(Cameras go the police getting all of the old stuff and taking Apu into custody.)

Wiggum: In the interest of our public safety, we have confiscated every bagel, donut, cruder, and bearclaw in the city. And some coffee.

Phil: Yesterday, Mr. X reported that your own department-- (Cut off by Wiggum)

Wiggum: I know. I know. But, I can assure the police do not take prisoners out of their cells and race them... Anymore.

Phil: What about using the electric chair to cook chicken?

Wiggum: All right, this press conference is over!

[edit] The Great Money Caper [12.07]

Abe Simpson: I can finally afford a crazy stripper wife!

---

Ralph Wiggum: [Covered in fake blood] I look like cable TV!

[edit] Skinner's Sense of Snow [12.08]

Kent Brockman: Roads closed, pipes frozen, albinos...virtually invisible. The National Weather Service has upgraded Springfield's blizzard from "Winter Wonderland" to a "Class 3 Kill-Storm"!

Marge: I don't like the sound of that "class 3".

---

Marge: This terrible! How will the kids get home?

Homer: I dunno. Internet?

---

Skinner: Yeech. It's getting ugly out there. What would Superintendent Chalmers do? (Chalmers appears in his mind)

Chalmers: Skinner!

Skinner: Eh, that's no good.

---

Nelson: (After finding Skinner) There you are! (Over walkie-talkie) Falcon to Eagle, have located Bag of Crap.

Skinner: Nelson, if you get me out of this I have a hall monitor position opening in the Spring.

Nelson: I spit on your monitors.

Skinner: I know. That's why the position's avalible.

---

(After a salt silo gets knocked down caused by Homer and Ned)

Nelson: What was that?

Lisa: It sounded like a silo tipping over.

Bart: Look, the snow's melting! (Martin licks the melted snow)

Martin: With a little help from our friend, sodium chloride! (Nelson begins to punch him, and Nibbles, the hamster comes to Skinner, in a Gym Dodge ball sack)

Skinner: You did it, Nibbles! Now, chew through my ball sack.

Nibbles: Huh? (Chalmers comes in a snow moblie)

Chalmers: Skinner!

Skinner: Oh, Superintendent Chalmers!

Chalmers: What are you doing in that ridiculous duffel, Seymour? And is that burning literature I smell?

Skinner: Uh- W-W-Well, sir, I, uh-

Chalmers: There'd better be a good explanation for this.

Bart: There is, sir.

Chalmers: Ah, then I'm happy. (He speeds away on a snow moblie)

[edit] HOMЯ [12.09]

Doctor: Mr. Simpson, this procedure could drastically increase your brain power, or it could possibly kill you.

Homer: Hmmm... Increase my killing power, eh? Let's do it!

---

(Homer is checking his stocks on the phone, using an automated system that responds to the name of the corporation with the stock results)

Voice: For automated stock prices, please state the company name.

Homer: Animotion.

Voice: Animotion: up one and one eighth.

Homer: Yahoo!

Voice: Yahoo: up six and a quarter.

Homer: Huh, what is this crap?

Voice: Fox Broadcasting: down eight.

(Homer grins with satisfaction)

---

(Marge is reassuring Lisa about the missing crayon.)

Marge: Sweetheart, a missing crayon could be anywhere.

Homer:(crashes through the window.) Who wants lottery tickets?

Marge: Okay. It's in his brain.

[edit] Pokey Mom [12.10]

Jack: Uh, which way's Mecca, I need to pray.

Marge: Mecca?

Jack: I'm just kidding. I'm Jewish.

---

Lisa: So how was it in the slammer?

Marge: Terrific. Bart, Sideshow Bob says he'll be seeing you real soon.

Bart: (Chuckles) That Bob.

[edit] Worst Episode Ever [12.11]

[Ralph enters the "Adults Only" section of the Android's Dungeon.]

Ralph: Everybody's hugging!

---

Comic Book Guy: I'll pass. Beer is the nectar of the nitwit.

Carl: Hey, you knocking beer?

Lenny: Nobody bad mouths Duff!

(Breaks a Duff bottle against the counter causing the whole bottle to break off)

Lenny: Ahhh, piece of crap.

Homer: Come on, you're here to make friends.

Comic Book Guy: Oh please. If I wanted to hear mindless droning I would befriend an air conditioner.

Moe: Oh now he's ragging on air conditioners.

Carl: Hey they keep us cool in the summer pal!

[edit] Tennis the Menace [12.12]

Homer: It'll be nice to entertain friends and have people over.

Flanders: Hey ya got a tennis court?

Homer: Keep walking Flanders.

Flanders: Will do.

Homer: Faster!

---

Kent Brockman: That's game set and match, but the real winner here are Marge's hors d'oeuvres.

Homer: Wow, how do you come up with such witty remarks?

Kent Brockman: (nervous laughing) Well... (Zoom's in on Brockman's ear piece, static is heard)

(Shows a car outside where two writers are typing)

Writer 1: Come on hurry up. (Writer 2 gives him a newly typed note) I guess you could say it