Family Guy/Season 1

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Death Has a Shadow[edit]

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.

[Stewie approaches Lois, who sits at the kitchen table]
Stewie: Hello, Mother.
Lois: Well, hi, there, sweetie!
Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!
[Stewie holds a box of hand grenades in front of him]
Stewie: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance: Return my mind-control device...or be destroyed!
Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. OK, here you go, honey.
[Lois places the mind-control device on top of the box of grenades]
Stewie: Yes, well, victory is mine!
[Stewie runs out of the kitchen carrying the grenades and the mind-control device; a moment later, the grenades detonate]
Stewie: [screams] Damn you all!

I Never Met the Dead Man[edit]

Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
Phone: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli "airplane style."]
Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

Chitty Chitty Death Bang[edit]

[in Lois' womb]
Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.

Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house, because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Mind Over Murder[edit]

[Lois is daydreaming while washing the dishes, Stewie throws his bottle at her.]
Stewie: Damn you, woman, awake from your damnable reverie!
Lois: [sighs] Honey, I'm doing the dishes.
Stewie: [sarcastically] Oh, well, a thousand pardons for disrupting your flatware sanitation ritual, but, you see, I'm in searing pain! [points to his mouth]
Lois: Oh, you're just teething, Stewie, it's a normal part of a baby's life.
Stewie: Very well then. I order you to kill me at once!
Lois: Oh honey, I know you're hurting, but Mommy has to clean up the house, all right?
Stewie: No, it's not all right! For the love of God, shake me, shake me like a British Nanny!

Peter: I can't even watch TV anymore. All the shows are starting to run together.
Narrator of Homicide: Life on Sesame Street: This show contains adult content and is brought to you by the letter H. [wailing sirens; inside an apartment, a phone rings, and Bert groans as he tries to pick up the phone; he finally picks up]
Bert: Hello? [sighs heavily] Son of a bitch. I'm on my way. [he gets out of bed naked; to Ernie] Some poor bastard got his head blown off down at a place called Hooper's. [he puts on his pants, drinks out of a beer bottle, and coughs]
Ernie: Bert, I wish you wouldn't drink so much, Bert.
Bert: Well, Ernie, I wish you wouldn't eat cookies in the damn BED!
Ernie: Bert, you're shouting again, Bert!
[Bert groans in disgust while comedic instrumental music plays in the background]

A Hero Sits Next Door[edit]

Brian: Gosh, I'd like to help you, Peter, but uh, I've gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Meg: So, do you like music?
Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
Meg: Uh, you first.
Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Fish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

The Son Also Draws[edit]

[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

[last line]
Peter: Canada sucks!

Brian: Portrait of a Dog[edit]

[Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy!]
Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?

[after seeing the news about the heat wave]
Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

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