Family Guy/Season 1

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Death Has a Shadow[edit]

Stewie: Damn you, vile woman! You've impeded my work since the day I escaped from your wretched womb.
Lois: Oh, don't pout, honey. You know, when you were born, the doctor said you were the happiest-looking baby he had ever seen.
Stewie: But, of course! That was my victory day! The fruition of my deeply-laid plans to escape from that cursed ovarian Bastille. Return the device, woman!

Lois: Meg, finish your pancakes. Chris, elbows off your father.
Peter [lying down on the table]: Thanks, son.
Lois: 37 beers. Well, you're setting a great example for the kids, Peter.
Chris: Yeah, a new family record. Way to raise the bar, Dad.
Lois: Chris, you're 13. Don't talk like that.
Peter: Now, kids, Daddy only drank so the Statue of Liberty would take her clothes off.

Brian: Whoa! Ass ahoy! Hey, Peter, it's seven o'clock and you still have your pants on. What's the occasion?

Peter: Come on, you're worryin' about nothin'.
Lois: Oh? Remember when you got drunk off the communion wine at church?
[cutaway to a priest giving a sermon at church]
Priest: And so the Lord God smote poor Job with festering boils all over his body...
God: [sitting in one of the pews] Aw, man, I hate it when he tells this story.
Priest:...yet, miraculously, Job was still able to maintain his dignity.
Peter: [He is seen drinking lots of communion wine, he coughs] Woah, is that really the blood of Christ?
Priest: Yes.
Peter: Man, that guy must've been wasted 24 hours a day, eh?
[cut back to the kitchen]
Lois: And then there was that time at the ice cream store...
[cutaway to the family at an ice cream store]
Peter: Aw, butter rum's my favorite! [licks and passes out immediately]
[cut back to the kitchen]
Brian: And remember you had an Irish coffee the day we went to see Philadelphia?
[cutaway to a movie theater. Everyone is sobbing, except for Peter who stares blankly, then claps his hands]
Peter: I got it. That's the guy from Big. Tom Hanks! That's it, aw, funny guy, Tom Hanks! Everything he says is a stitch!
Tom Hanks: [on movie screen] I have AIDS.
[Peter laughing]

[Stewie approaches Lois, who sits at the kitchen table]
Stewie: Hello, Mother.
Lois: Well, hi, there, sweetie!
Stewie: You know, Mother, life is like a box of chocolates: You never know what you're going to get. Your life, however, is more like a box of active grenades!
[Stewie holds a box of hand grenades in front of him]
Stewie: Now, I offer you one last chance for deliverance: return my mind-control device...or be destroyed!
Lois: Oh, you just want your toy back. OK, here you go, honey.
[Lois places the mind-control device on top of the box of grenades]
Stewie: Yes, well...victory is mine!
[Stewie runs out of the kitchen carrying the grenades and the mind-control device; a moment later, the grenades detonate]
Stewie: [screams] Damn you all!

I Never Met the Dead Man[edit]

Stewie: [playing with his Sesame Street phone] Put me through to the Pentagon!
Phone: Do you know what sound a cow makes?
Stewie: Don't toy with me, Ernie! I've already dispatched with Mr. Hooper, I've got six armed men stationed outside Big Bird's nest, and as for Linda... well it's rather difficult for a deaf woman to hear an assassin approach, now, isn't it?
Phone: Can you count to three?
Stewie: Ho-ho, indeed I can! [pulls out a laser gun and shoots the phone with each number] ONE! TWO! THREE! Can I count to three? For God's sake, I'm already shooting at a fifth-grade level.

[Lois tries to feed Stewie his broccoli]
Stewie: Damn the broccoli, damn you, and damn the Wright Brothers!
Lois: My, aren't we fussy tonight? OK. No broccoli.
Stewie: Very well then. I--[Lois shoves the broccoli into his mouth. Stewie spits it out.] Who the hell do you think you are?
Lois: Honey, it's not gonna go away just because you don't like it.
Stewie: Well then, my goal becomes clear: The broccoli must die.

Chitty Chitty Death Bang[edit]

[in Lois' womb]
Stewie: [in his diary] Day 171. I've sprouted another finger. Counting the one from yesterday, [looks at his penis], I'm up to 11.

Peter: [after losing his Cheesy Charlie's reservation] Chris, this is a big day for you. Today you become the man of the house because when we get home, your mother is going to kill me.

Mind Over Murder[edit]

Soccer Dad: That's the tenth time today! Nice grab, orca! Hey, get Moby Dick off the field before he burps up a license plate!
Peter: Hey, hey, hey, easy fella that's my kid, now apologize.
Soccer Dad: Okay, I'm sorry your kid's a brain dead, stinkin' blue cheese [As he knocks the can of beer out of Peter's hand] fat ass!
Peter: Alright, that's it! [He punches Soccer Dad and everyone gasps]
Chris: Way to go, dad!
Boy: Hey, you hit my mom!
Peter: No, I hit your "dad".
Man: Whoa! Stand back. Give her some air.
Peter: You mean, give "him" some air.
Woman: Call an ambulance. She's going into labor!
Peter: mean, "he's" going into labor. [sound of baby wailing] Whoops.

Stewie: Shake me! Shake me like a British nanny!

Stewie: Argh! Damn it to the bloody bowels of hell!

Stewie: No no no, you imbecile! That's not talc; that's paprika! Aaahh! [Urinates on Peter] Take that!

A Hero Sits Next Door[edit]

Brian: Gee, I would love to help you, Peter, but I gotta go out in the hall and chew on the back of my ass for about five minutes.

Meg: So, do you like music?
Kevin: Oh, yeah. I played guitar in a band before we moved, but it interfered with my studies. What do you listen to?
Meg: Uh, you first.
Kevin: I'm into Garbage, Fish, Blur. My parents don't like me listenin' to that stuff, but I do, anyway, BECAUSE I AM NOT A ROBOT! [calmly] I also like Radiohead.

The Son Also Draws[edit]

[Peter and Chris are ostensibly trying to earn a merit badge for "insect study."]
Peter: Look, Chris. It's a whole family of wasps.
[The scene cuts to a wealthy family eating dinner]
WASP Father: My, Margaret, what a subpar ham.
WASP Mother: Perhaps I can't bake a ham, but what I can cook up is a little grace and civility at the table.
WASP Father: [after a slight, shocked pause] Patty, did you know that your mother is a whore?

Stewie: Stupid greedy savages.
Lois: Stewie, that's a terrible thing to say. This one particular tribe has lost their ways but most Native American are a proud, hard-working people who are a true to their spiritual heritage. They are certainly not savages.
Stewie: Well, that's funny, mother. Just this morning you said they were lazy like the dirty Mexicans. [chuckles] Just kidding. The Mexicans are a clean and industrious people with a rich cultural heritage.
Meg: Yeah, not like those dumb gargantuan Swedes. Actually, the Swedish people run a gammon from short to tall, and did you know that Sweden gave us brilliant inventor Alfred Nobel?
Peter: Yeah. That's more than we got from those free-loading Canadians... Canada sucks!

Brian: Portrait of a Dog[edit]

[Peter has a flashback of when he was on Jeopardy]
Trebek: [reads the clue] For $800, this chemical dye is found in over 95% of all cosmetic products.
Peter: [rings in] Diarrhea. [the crowd laughs] What? Oh. Oh. Oh. Sorry. Sorry. What is diarrhea?

[after seeing the news about the heat wave]
Chris: [about Diane] I think I saw one of her nipples!
Lois: Chris, that's a terrible word! [sarcastically] "Nipple". I'll chalk that up to the heat, mister.

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