Family Guy/Season 3
Family Guy – Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23
Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
- Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
- Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
- Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
- Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
- Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.
- Brian: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
- Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
- Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
- Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
- Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
- [cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
- Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
- Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.
- Peter: Yep.
- Joe: Yep.
- Quagmire: Yep.
- Cleveland: Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]
- Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
- Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
- Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
- Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]
- Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
- Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
- Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
- Death: I don't have skin!
- Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
- Lois: Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.
- Peter: [imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!
- Stewie: Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
- Brian: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.
- Peter: You just hit me!
- Lois: That's right!
- [Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
- Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
- Peter: Sometimes I wonder.
- Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
- [all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]
- Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
- Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
- Principal Shepherd: This stupid country...
- Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
- Peter: Who was that guy?
- [Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
- Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
- Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
- [cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
- Man: D.
- Peter: -ot.
- Peter and the man: Dot.
- Man: B.
- Peter: -et.
- Man: Bet.
- Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
- Man: P.
- Peter: -it.
- Man: Pit.
- Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
- Man: F.
- Peter: -at.
- Man: Fat.
- Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
- [a fight breaks out between the two]
- [Stewie walks up to a lady hanging up a framed pot of flowers painting on the wall.]
- Lady: There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?
- Stewie: Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
- [Cut to the boys sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly in a posh English accent.]
- Stewie: The port is quite good.
- Brian: Yes, quite good.
- Chris: Indeed.
- Peter: Most certainly.
- Brian: What year is it?
- Chris: '51.
- Brian: Ah.
- Peter: Delectable.
- Stewie: Indeed.
- Chris: Yes.
- Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
- Brian: What is it?
- Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.
- Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
- Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
- Stewie: Ah, very good then.
- Chris: For the best.
- Brian: Yes, indeed.
- Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?
- [Peter is driving Lois and Carol to the hospital as Carol is going into labour. Lois is comforting Carol in the backseat]
- Lois: [to Carol] Don’t worry, Carol, we’re almost there. [noticing the car has stopped suddenly] Peter, why are we stopped?
- Peter: [talking to the drive-thru ordering speaker] Uh, yeah, I’ll have three cheeseburgers..
- Lois: Peter, for God sake, she’s having a baby!
- Peter: Oh, yeah, that’s right. And a kid’s meal. And I guess I’ll have fries. [to Lois and Carol] If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because I don’t want to be the only one eating them, I feel like a fatty.
- Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
- Lois: What? What?!
- Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
- Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
- Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]
- Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!
- Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
- Peter: I don't know Brian... Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
- Brian: Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview.
- [flashback to said interview]
- Employer: Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
- Peter: [internally] Don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife, don't say doing your wife... [aloud] Doing your... [stares at the employer's family photograph] ...son?
- [the employer stares at Peter in confusion]
- [Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
- Meg: Oh, my God!
- Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
- Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.
- [Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker friends]
- Turner: Aces high or low?
- Peter: They go both ways.
- [Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]
- Gates: He said, "They go both ways".
- [all except Turner laugh]
- Turner: Like a bisexual.
- Eisner: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.
- Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
- Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?
- [Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
- Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!
- Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.
- Peter: You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.
- Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.
- Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel.
- [courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
- Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
- Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
- Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!
- [Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
- Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
- Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...
- Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
- [he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
- Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
- [the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]
- Peter: I'm handicapped now!
- [Tom pauses the tape]
- Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
- Peter: Oh, come on!
- Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
- [he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
- Tom: That's you driving the car.
- Peter: Well, there's your hook!
- Tom: Get out.
- Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
- Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
- Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
- Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
- Peter: My couch! My TV! [to Brian] What the hell did you do?!
- Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
- Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.
- Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
- Chris: [laughs] Rump.
- Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.
- [at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
- Peter: Damn it all!
- Patrons: SHH!
- Peter: Sorry! Sorry.
- [the swallow squawks loudly]
- Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
- Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
- Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!
- Patron 3: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
- Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
- Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!
- Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
- Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
- [all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
- Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
- [he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
- Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.
- Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
- Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
- Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
- Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
- Dave: Hey!
- Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
- Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
- Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Peter?
- Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
- Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
- Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!
- Lois: Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?
- Brian: Sure.
- Lois: And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time?
- [Flashback. Stewie, who has a round head, is jumping on Peter and Lois' bed. Brian enters.]
- Brian: Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.
- Stewie: Shut up. You're not my mother.
- [He hits his head on the ceiling, which knocks it into the familiar lemon shape.]
- Brian: Good God, are you alright?
- Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?
- Stewie: [encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
- Pengrove: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
- Stewie: [yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
- Maggie: [in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
- Stewie: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
- Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
- Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
- Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
- Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
- Brian: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
- Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
- West: Oh, my...
- Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
- West: I see...
- Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
- West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
- Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
- West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...
- Lois: Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
- Peter: [dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.
- Peter: Lois, no one needs glasses.
- Meg: You wear glasses.
- Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
