Family Guy/Season 3
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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
The Thin White Line[edit]
- Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
- Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
- Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!
- Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
- Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.
Brian Does Hollywood[edit]
- Brian: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
- Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
- Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
- Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington[edit]
- Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
- [cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
- Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
- Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.
One If By Clam, Two If By Sea[edit]
- Quagmire: [to the lesbians] So, have any of you ladies ever been penetrated?
And the Wiener is...[edit]
- Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
- Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
- Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
- Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]
Death Lives[edit]
- Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
- Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
- Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
- Death: I don't have skin!
- Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
- Death: (to Peter's ghost, trying to step back into his body through the mouth) Wait, wait, what're you doing? You can't get back in like that!
- Peter: Well, I'm sure as hell not going in the back door!
Lethal Weapons[edit]
- Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?
- Transvestite: [in deep voice] Sure.
- Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait, pre-op or post-op?
- Transvestite: Pre-op.
- Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! [to the others] You're right. This place blows.
- Peter: You just hit me!
- Lois: That's right!
- [Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
- Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
- Peter: Sometimes I wonder.
The Kiss Seen Around the World[edit]
- Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
- [all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]
- Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
- Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
- Principal Shepherd: This stupid country...
- Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
- Peter: Who was that guy?
Mr. Saturday Knight[edit]
- [Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
- Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
- Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
- [cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
- Man: D.
- Peter: -ot.
- Peter and the man: Dot.
- Man: B.
- Peter: -et.
- Man: Bet.
- Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
- Man: P.
- Peter: -it.
- Man: Pit.
- Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
- Man: F.
- Peter: -at.
- Man: Fat.
- Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
- [a fight breaks out between the two]
A Fish Out of Water[edit]
- Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
- Peter: Um... if by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.
- [The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly.]
- Stewie: The port is quite good.
- Brian: Yes, quite good.
- Chris: Indeed.
- Peter: Most certainly.
- Brian: What year is it?
- Chris: '51.
- Brian: Ah.
- Peter: Delectable.
- Stewie: Indeed.
- Chris: Yes.
- Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
- Brian: What is it?
- Peter: It appears I've spontaneously combusted.
- Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
- Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
- Stewie: Ah, very good then.
- Chris: For the best.
- Brian: Indeed.
- Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?
Emission Impossible[edit]
- Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
- Lois: What? What?!
- Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
- Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
- Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]
- Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!
- Stewie: [after Peter heads for the bathroom] Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and DO HER!!
To Love and Die in Dixie[edit]
- Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
- Meg: This is our house?
- Lois: Oh, come on, Meg. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.
Screwed the Pooch[edit]
- [Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
- Meg: Oh, my God!
- Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
- Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.
- [Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker buddies]
- Ted Turner: Aces high or low?
- Peter: They go both ways.
- [Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]
- Bill Gates: He said, "They go both ways".
- [all except Ted laugh]
- Ted: Like a bisexual.
- Michael: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.
- [just before Brian gets neutered, Peter has a vision of himself sitting next to an overweight Brian eating chocolate]
- Brian: I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's SO good!
Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?[edit]
- Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
- Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?
- [Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
- Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!
- Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.
- Peter: You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.
- Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.
Ready, Willing, and Disabled[edit]
- Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel.
- [courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
- Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
- Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
- Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!
- [Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
- Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
- Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...
- Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
- [he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
- Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
- [the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing]
- Peter: I'm handicapped now!
- [Tom pauses the tape]
- Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
- Peter: Oh, come on!
- Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
- [he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
- Tom: That's you driving the car.
- Peter: Well, there's your hook!
- Tom: Get out.
A Freakin' Special Family Guy Christmas[edit]
- Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
- Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
- Lois: "Don we know our gay apparel."
- Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
- Peter: My couch! My TV! [to Brian] What the hell did you do?!
- Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
- Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.
Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows[edit]
- Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
- Chris: [laughs] Rump.
- Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.
- [at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
- Peter: Damn it all!
- Patrons: SHH!
- Peter: Sorry! Sorry.
- [the swallow squawks loudly]
- Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
- Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
- Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!
- Patron 3: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
- Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
- Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!
- Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
- Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
- [all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
- Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
- [he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
- Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.
From Method to Madness[edit]
- Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
- Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
- Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
- Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
- Dave: Hey!
- Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
- Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
- Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Peter?
- Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
- Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
- Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!
Stuck Together, Torn Apart[edit]
- [Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]
- Lois: Look at that handsome man.
- Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]
- Police officer: Why are you holding that infant's hand?
- Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.
- Brian: Shut up!
- Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.
Road to Europe[edit]
- Stewie: [Encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [Opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And-and there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
- Pengrove: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [Removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing old man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
- Stewie: AAAAHHH! [Runs over to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
- Maggie: [In a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
- Stewie: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
- Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [Kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
- Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
- Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
- Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
- Brian: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] Do you wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] Do you wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
Family Guy Viewer Mail #1[edit]
Supergriffins
- Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.
- Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
- West: Oh, my...
- Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
- West: I see...
- Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
- West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
- Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
- West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...
When You Wish Upon a Weinstein[edit]
- Peter: Lois, no one needs glasses.
- Meg: You wear glasses.
- Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
