Family Guy/Season 3

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

The Thin White Line[edit]

Joe: [to Brian] Nice work, rookie!
Cop 1: You're a credit to the force.
Cop 2: Additional generic cop compliment, Brian!

Rehab Counselor: Wait a minute, Brian, you have a pre-existing relationship with this degenerate?
Peter: A degenerate, am I? Well, you are a festisio! See? I can make up words too, sister.

Brian Does Hollywood[edit]

Brian: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!

Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're going to just sit here and enjoy it.
Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm going to sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.

Mr. Griffin Goes to Washington[edit]

Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
[cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.

One If By Clam, Two If By Sea[edit]

Quagmire: [to the lesbians] So, have any of you ladies ever been penetrated?

And the Wiener is...[edit]

Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]

Death Lives[edit]

Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?

Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
Death: I don't have skin!
Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!

Death: (to Peter's ghost, trying to step back into his body through the mouth) Wait, wait, what're you doing? You can't get back in like that!
Peter: Well, I'm sure as hell not going in the back door!

Lethal Weapons[edit]

Quagmire: Hey honey, why don't you turn around and show me the Lower East side?
Transvestite: [in deep voice] Sure.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! Wait, pre-op or post-op?
Transvestite: Pre-op.
Quagmire: WHOA! Transvestite! Back off! [to the others] You're right. This place blows.

Peter: You just hit me!
Lois: That's right!
[Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
Peter: Sometimes I wonder.

The Kiss Seen Around the World[edit]

Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
[all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]
Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
Principal Shepherd: This stupid country...

Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
Peter: Who was that guy?

Mr. Saturday Knight[edit]

[Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
[cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
Man: D.
Peter: -ot.
Peter and the man: Dot.
Man: B.
Peter: -et.
Man: Bet.
Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
Man: P.
Peter: -it.
Man: Pit.
Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
Man: F.
Peter: -at.
Man: Fat.
Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
[a fight breaks out between the two]

A Fish Out of Water[edit]

Brian: Peter, did you read the fine print on this loan contract?
Peter: Um... if by "read" you mean "imagined a naked lady", then yes.

[The boys are sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly.]
Stewie: The port is quite good.
Brian: Yes, quite good.
Chris: Indeed.
Peter: Most certainly.
Brian: What year is it?
Chris: '51.
Brian: Ah.
Peter: Delectable.
Stewie: Indeed.
Chris: Yes.
Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
Brian: What is it?
Peter: It appears I've spontaneously combusted.
Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
Stewie: Ah, very good then.
Chris: For the best.
Brian: Indeed.
Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?

Emission Impossible[edit]

Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
Lois: What? What?!
Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]
Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!

Stewie: [after Peter heads for the bathroom] Come back here this instant, you fat bastard, and DO HER!!

To Love and Die in Dixie[edit]

Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.

Meg: This is our house?
Lois: Oh, come on, Meg. I bet if we fixed it up a little bit, it could be a piece of crap.

Screwed the Pooch[edit]

[Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
Meg: Oh, my God!
Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.

[Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker buddies]
Ted Turner: Aces high or low?
Peter: They go both ways.
[Bill Gates and Michael Eisner laugh]
Bill Gates: He said, "They go both ways".
[all except Ted laugh]
Ted: Like a bisexual.
Michael: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.

[just before Brian gets neutered, Peter has a vision of himself sitting next to an overweight Brian eating chocolate]
Brian: I love chocolate! But I can't eat it, because then I'll get fat. But it's SO good!

Peter Griffin: Husband, Father...Brother?[edit]

Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?

[Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
Peter: Hey Chris, what are you doing? I am sittin' here shittin' myself! Give me some Dr. Peppa!
Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, get me some cheddar. Some player-hater be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I need to be making style.
Peter: You be trippin', my man. Go hed and take 'ya dump, sun.
Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.

Ready, Willing, and Disabled[edit]

Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel.
[courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freakin' halo!

[Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...
Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
[he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
[the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing]
Peter: I'm handicapped now!
[Tom pauses the tape]
Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
Peter: Oh, come on!
Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
[he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
Tom: That's you driving the car.
Peter: Well, there's your hook!
Tom: Get out.

A Freakin' Special Family Guy Christmas[edit]

Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
Lois: "Don we know our gay apparel."
Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.

Peter: My couch! My TV! [to Brian] What the hell did you do?!
Brian: Me?! Who the hell buys a novelty fire extinguisher?
Peter: I'll tell you who: someone who cares enough about physical comedy to put his entire family at risk.

Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows[edit]

Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
Chris: [laughs] Rump.
Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.

[at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
Peter: Damn it all!
Patrons: SHH!
Peter: Sorry! Sorry.
[the swallow squawks loudly]
Patron 1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
Patron 2: Take it outside, pal!
Patron 3: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
Patron 4: I'll make you an endangered species!
Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
Patron 5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
[all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
[he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.

From Method to Madness[edit]

Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
Dave: Hey!
Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!

Chris: Boobies!
Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
Chris: Boobies!
Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
Chris: Boobies!
Lois: Peter?
Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!

Stuck Together, Torn Apart[edit]

[Peter is in front of a mirror, preparing for a party]
Lois: Look at that handsome man.
Peter: You son of a bitch! [punches the mirror]

Police officer: Why are you holding that infant's hand?
Stewie: Oh, we met on the Internet.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Yes, he lured me down to the park with promises of candy and funny stories.

Road to Europe[edit]

Stewie: [Encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [Opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And-and there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
Pengrove: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [Removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing old man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
Stewie: AAAAHHH! [Runs over to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
Maggie: [In a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
Stewie: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [Kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
Brian: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] Do you wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] Do you wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.

Family Guy Viewer Mail #1[edit]


Peter: Well, we promised Lois we'd use our powers responsibly, but I suppose doing the exact opposite couldn't hurt.

Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
West: Oh, my...
Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
West: I see...
Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...

When You Wish Upon a Weinstein[edit]

Peter: Lois, no one needs glasses.
Meg: You wear glasses.
Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.

External links[edit]

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