Family Guy/Season 3
Family Guy – Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
- Brian: [Inspecting passengers at the airport for contraband] No drugs. She's good. He's clean.
- Joe: Well looks like that's it except for the flight crew.
- Quagmire: Hey-ey, Brian! What's with the Johnny Law routine?
- Joe: Say hello to our newest narc. He's a natural.
- Quagmire: Oh yeah? How good are you?
- Brian: [Sniffs Quagmire's crotch] You're back from Manila. You had Lumpia for dinner, then you made love to two Filipino women. [Sniffs again] And a man.
- Quagmire: You mean three Filipino women.
- [Brain looks at Quagmire seriously]
- Quagmire: [Realizes he slept with a man] Noooo!
- Brian: Hey, what might be a thrill for you guys?
- Chris: Ooh! Ooh! Eating a pebble!
- Cosby: [wears Stewie's hypnotic goggles] So you're just gonna just sit here and enjoy it.
- Stewie: [hypnotized] I'm gonna sit here and enjoy it. And I like pudding. And Ghost Dad was the best movie I've seen since Leonard Part 6.
- Peter: Hey, since I became President, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano. [laughs]
- [cut to Alyssa Milano in reality, watching the show]
- Milano: What kinda cheap shot...?! [to her lawyer] Joel!
- Joel: I'm suing. I'm suing. I'm on it. I'm on it.
- Peter: Yep.
- Joe: Yep.
- Quagmire: Yep.
- Cleveland: Mmm-Hmm. [they drink]
- Lois: [after seeing Chris' penis] Oh, my! Well, no wonder he's always slouching.
- Peter: How the hell did this happen? I'm supposed to be the man of the house. You must be so ashamed of me.
- Lois: Oh, Peter, I care as much about the size of your penis as you care about the size of my breasts.
- Peter: OH, MY GOD! [runs away]
- Diane: A tragic accident today in the north Providence area. A family of four lost their lives when their minivan swerved off the road and into a ravine, exploding on impact. [Tom snickers] You find this funny, Tom?
- Tom: No, no, no. I was remembering, I accidentally put my shirt on inside out this morning. It's fine now, though. So, so, what were you saying? A fashion show?
- Death's Mother: Death! Put your jacket on, or you'll get frostbite!
- Death: I don't have skin!
- Death's Mother: That's 'cause you didn't eat your beans!
- Lois: Okay. The psychologist wants us to try an exercise called "role reversal," where we pretend to be the person who makes us angry. I'll go first. [imitating Peter] Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's worthless and dumb and ignore her and only listen to me, Peter.
- Peter: [imitating Lois] I'm Lois. I break for yard sales. But I don't let Peter buy anything he likes, like that Narragansett Beer sign where the hot chick has two mugs for jugs. It was eight freaking dollars and we have a dozen places to put it!
- Stewie: Ooh, ooh, me next, me next. [imitating Brian] I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the small braided rug near the door.
- Brian: [imitating Stewie] I'm a pompous little Anti-Christ who will probably abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and fall in love with a rough trick named Jim.
- Peter: You just hit me!
- Lois: That's right!
- [Peter punches her back, knocking her onto the floor]
- Lois: You can't hit me, I'm a girl!
- Peter: Sometimes I wonder.
- Connie: Hey, everybody! Mr. Lazenby's getting arrested!
- [all the students in Meg's classroom exit and watch as the police arrest, Mr. Lazenby]
- Principal Shepherd: Now, what in God's name…? [opens door] Mr. Lazenby, what the hell's going on here?!
- Lazenby: Apparently, there's some law against teaching the evolutionary theory that Gil Gerard used a time machine, went back, and ejaculated into the primordial ooze.
- Principal Shepherd: This stupid country...
- Meg: I just wanna kill myself! I'm going upstairs right now, and eating a whole bowl of peanuts! [blank stares from Peter and Lois] I'm allergic to peanuts! [more blank stares] You don't know anything about me! [runs upstairs]
- Peter: Who was that guy?
- [Peter paces back and forth just as Mr. Weed is on his way over for dinner]
- Lois: Peter, calm down. Everything's gonna be fine.
- Peter: I hope so, 'cause if I blow this, I'm gonna have to go back to my old job at the Electric Company.
- [cut to the Electric Company with Peter and another man as Soft-Shoe Silhouettes]
- Man: D.
- Peter: -ot.
- Peter and the man: Dot.
- Man: B.
- Peter: -et.
- Man: Bet.
- Peter: Bet. I knew that. Slow it down, will ya?
- Man: P.
- Peter: -it.
- Man: Pit.
- Peter: Pit. C'mon, pal. It's my first dayǃ
- Man: F.
- Peter: -at.
- Man: Fat.
- Peter: Oh, that's it, buddyǃ
- [a fight breaks out between the two]
- [Stewie walks up to a lady hanging up a framed pot of flowers painting on the wall.]
- Lady: There we are. It's a Van Gogh print. Isn't it beautiful?
- Stewie: Oh, yes — I often fantasized about what this house would be like with more culture.
- [Cut to the boys sitting on chairs in a semicircle, in gentlemen's outfits, talking very quickly in a posh English accent.]
- Stewie: The port is quite good.
- Brian: Yes, quite good.
- Chris: Indeed.
- Peter: Most certainly.
- Brian: What year is it?
- Chris: '51.
- Brian: Ah.
- Peter: Delectable.
- Stewie: Indeed.
- Chris: Yes.
- Peter: [catches fire] Oh, dear!
- Brian: What is it?
- Peter: I've spontaneously combusted.
- Stewie: Oh, I am sorry.
- Peter: Oh, it's quite all right. I've grown tired of living.
- Stewie: Ah, very good then.
- Chris: For the best.
- Brian: Yes, indeed.
- Stewie: Oh, is it raining again?
- [Peter is driving Lois and Carol to the hospital as Carol is going into labour. Lois is comforting Carol in the backseat]
- Lois: [to Carol] Don’t worry, Carol, we’re almost there. [noticing the car has stopped suddenly] Peter, why are we stopped?
- Peter: [talking to the drive-thru ordering speaker] Uh, yeah, I’ll have three cheeseburgers..
- Lois: Peter, for God sake, she’s having a baby!
- Peter: Oh, yeah, that’s right. And a kid’s meal. And I guess I’ll have fries. [to Lois and Carol] If I have fries, is anybody else gonna have any? Because I don’t want to be the only one eating them, I feel like a fatty.
- Peter: [after Carol has given birth] Oh, my God!
- Lois: What? What?!
- Peter: [holds a crying baby] It's a beautiful baby girl.
- Carol: Oh, a baby girl! I'm so happy!
- Peter: But she has a penis. Well, we're gonna have to do something about that. [grabs a scalpel]
- Lois: [takes the scalpel] Peter, no! It's a boy!
- Peter: [at the police station, where the convicts are held] Hi, uh, excuse me, you guys. Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son, Chris Griffin. Uh, he's here to finger the guy who held up that convenience store. M-maybe you've seen him, his name is Chris Griffin. Oh, wait a second. I think I got a picture of him, somewhere...h-here you go. [gives the picture to the one who robbed the store] Yeah, you can go ahead and hang on to that, I got a ton of 'em at home. I was gonna throw that one out anyway 'cause Chris messed it up by writing his school schedule and a list of his fears all over the back of it.
- Peter: I don't know Brian... Maybe Lois is right. Maybe it is time for me to get a job.
- Brian: Yeah, Too bad you always blow it in the interview.
- [flashback to said interview]
- Employer: Okay, Peter, where do you see yourself in five years?
- Peter: [internally] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife, don't say doing' your wife... [aloud] Doin' your... [stares at the employer's family photograph] ...son?
- [the employer stares at Peter in confusion]
- [Brian dives into the race track and tackles Seabreeze]
- Meg: Oh, my God!
- Carter: He's violating Seabreeze!
- Peter: Oh, no, he's just awkwardly positioning himself... [shocked] Now he's violating Seabreeze.
- [Peter plays poker with Carter and his poker friends]
- Peter: Alright, guys, we're playin' Texas Hold'em.
- Ted Turner: Are aces high or low?
- Peter: They go both ways.
- Bill Gates: Hah, [to Michael Eisner] He said, "They go both ways".
- [all except Ted laugh]
- Ted: Like a bisexual.
- Eisner: Thank you, Ted. That was the joke.
- Miller: Now, I don't want to go on a rant here, but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowulf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first battle of Antietam. I mean, when a neo-conservative defenestrates, it's like Raskolnikov filibuster deoxymonohydroxinate.
- Peter: What the hell does "rant" mean?
- [Chris is watching a rap video on TV]
- Peter: Hey Chris, what you doing?
- Chris: Just layin' back in the cot, peepin' at this here homie. Yo, Pops, let me have some cheddar. Some player-haters be throwin' salt in my game and grillin' me over my gear, and I needs to be mackin' style.
- Peter: Well, uh... the important thing is you tried, son.
- Announcer: We now return to Touched By An Angel.
- [courtroom scene; a boy is on the stand]
- Prosecutor: [shows the boy a doll] Now, where exactly did the angel touch you?
- Boy: [points at the doll's crotch] Here.
- Angel: Oh, come on, who are you gonna believe? I got a freaking halo!
- [Peter enters Tom Tucker's office, falsely handicapped]
- Peter: Mr. Tucker, I have just become handicapped like Joe Swanson. And I demand commercial endorsements and a TV movie based on me starring Valerie Bertinerni.
- Tom: But, Mr. Griffin,...
- Peter: Ah-ah. [extracts tape] I even got the first piece you're gonna run: exclusive video footage of my tragic accident.
- [he inserts the tape in the TV/VCR, and video of him is shown]
- Peter: [on tape] Oh, no! A car going too fast to stop in time! AIEEEEE!
- [the tape cuts to a shot of a scarecrow getting hit by the approaching car, then cuts back to Peter, who is on the ground, wailing and flailing]
- Peter: I'm handicapped now!
- [Tom pauses the tape]
- Tom: Mr. Griffin, you can't possibly expect me to believe this. That was a scarecrow dressed in your clothes.
- Peter: Oh, come on!
- Tom: [runs the tape back] And when I freeze-frame,...
- [he pauses at a point where the car hit the scarecrow, and behind the wheel is...]
- Tom: That's you driving the car.
- Peter: Well, there's your hook!
- Tom: Get out.
- Stewie: Oh, it was just a dream. I needn't fear this Santa. If he were truly omnipotent, he'd have the testicular fortitude to show himself! See? I'm just barking in the dark. No one here but me. All right, where is it? Where's the wire? Show yourself, Claus!
- Lois: Stewie, go to sleep.
- Stewie: This doesn't involve you, Lois!
- Lois: Brian, you're not wearing the sweater I made you.
- Brian: Uh, w-well, it's a little warm in here...
- Lois: "Don we now our gay apparel."
- Brian: [puts his sweater on] Doesn't get much gayer than this.
- Goodman: It's a very rare species, the endangered White-Rump Swallow.
- Chris: [laughs] Rump.
- Peter: This isn't funny, Chris! [laughs] Swallow.
- [at a movie theater, the swallow in Peter's beard continuously eats Peter's popcorn]
- Peter: Damn it all!
- Patrons: SHH!
- Peter: Sorry! Sorry.
- [the swallow squawks loudly]
- Patron #1: Hey, shut up! Keep it down!
- Peter: Look, there's nothin' I can do. All right?
- Patron #2: Take it outside, pal!
- Patron #3: Have you ever heard of a sitter?!
- Peter: [jumps out of his seat] Look, it's an endangered species! What am I supposed to do?
- Patron #4: I'll make you an endangered species!
- Peter: Oh, good comeback, Potsie!
- Patron #5: I'll kick your ass! That's what I'll do!
- [all patrons clamor indistinctly until the swallow recedes into Peter's beard]
- Peter: Look, everybody just shut up! Shut up! He has stopped squawking! He's receded into my beard! We can all watch the movie! Shut up!
- [he sits back down, and all is silent for a moment]
- Voice: Eric, if you're in here, we're all goin' to Marty's after the movie.
- Jeff: [about his trophy, which is over his crotch] Is this the biggest thing you've ever seen?
- Dave: Hey, don't get too cocky. I had a big one like that when I was your age.
- Dottie: Oh, you were a show-off yourself, Dave. He brought it out on our first date.
- Peter: Lois, I'm scared. [drops his hot dog] Oh, I'll get that. [reaches under the table]
- Dave: Hey!
- Peter: Oh! Oh! Oh God, oh, Dave, sorry! Oh, oh, God!
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Chris, that's enough! Well, I'm sure glad to be out of there!
- Peter: You said it, Lois. What those people are doing just ain't natural.
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Did you hear me, young man?
- Meg: I don't know what the big deal was! I thought they were nice!
- Chris: Boobies!
- Lois: Peter?
- Peter: Do it. [everybody besides Chris puts on sunglasses; Lois reveals the Neutralizer from Men in Black, and uses it on Chris]
- Lois: Did you have fun at the circus today, Chris?
- Chris: Elephants are bigger in person!
- Lois: Brian, will you watch Stewie for a minute?
- Brian: Sure.
- Lois: And please keep a close eye on him. Remember what happened last time?
- [Flashback. Stewie, who has a round head, is jumping on Peter and Lois' bed. Brian enters.]
- Brian: Stewie, get down before you hurt yourself.
- Stewie: Shut up. You're not my mother.
- [He hits his head on the ceiling, which knocks it into the familiar lemon shape.]
- Brian: Good God, are you alright?
- Stewie: Fine. Why do you ask?
- Stewie: [encounters Pengrove Pig] Pengrove! I've come to live on Jolly Farm! Oh my, the Magic Tome! [opens the book] Well, it's... it's cardboard. And there are no words, there are just... What is it you've drawn here?
- Pengrove: Oh, that's Oswald Owl slamming Mother Maggie in one of them Chinese baskets, eh? [removes his mask to reveal a hideous laughing elderly man] Ah, dead brill, eh?
- Stewie: [yells; runs up to a smoking Mother Maggie] Oh, Mother Maggie, thank God! Something's wrong!
- Maggie: [in a heavier English accent than on T.V.] Whose stinky brat is this?
- Stewie: That's not your voice. Your voice is lyrical, like the gentle strum of a lute!
- Maggie: Piss off, ya grotty little wanker! [kicks Stewie off the set and resumes smoking]
- Stewie: It's a fake. It's not real.
- Brian: I thought it'd be best for you to find out on your own, kid.
- Stewie: I feel like such a fool. Don't even look at me!
- Brian: Hey, come on. Do you want to get some ice cream? That'd make ya feel better. Right? [Stewie shakes his head no] You wanna get some McDonald's? [Stewie shakes his head no again] You wanna take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes? [Stewie nods his head yes] Okay. Let's go take a dump in Mother Maggie's shoes.
- Dr. Hartman: Mayor West, you have lymphoma.
- West: Oh, my...
- Dr. Hartman: Probably from rolling around in that toxic waste.
- West: I see...
- Dr. Hartman: What in God's name were you trying to prove?
- West: I was trying to gain superpowers.
- Dr. Hartman: Well, that's just silly.
- West: Silly, yes. Idiotic, yes...
- Lois: Peter, did you take the money from the family jar?
- Peter: [dances] Who, me? Yes, me. Couldn't be. Then who? [stops] Yeah, I did it. I bought us volcano insurance.
- Peter: Lois, no one needs glasses.
- Meg: You wear glasses.
- Peter: That's only to fool the man from the draft board.
