Family Guy/Season 16

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Emmy-Winning Episode[edit]

Peter: Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it.
Lois: Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons. What did that give us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for The Simpsons.
Peter: Yeah. [reads newspapers] Simpsons plays down to competition, Simpsons step into the sewer, shame on you, Simpsons. [jealous] Those lucky bastards.

[Lois is reglected to the role of delivery person as Sofía Vergara takes her place in an attempt to win an Emmy]
Lois: [warning Peter as he shuts the door] Forget the freakin' Emmy. If you touch her ass, I'm...

[Stewie and Brian play the roles of Mitch and Cameron from Modern Family]
Stewie: I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.
Brian: [correcting him] The fat woman.
Stewie: He hasn't chopped it off yet.
Brian: That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman.
Stewie: And on Karaoke night, I identify as George Michael. That doesn't mean it's true.

[Tricia plays the role of Lily Tucker-Pritchett from Modern Family]
Tricia: Daddies, I'm standing here, delivering my line with more emotion and less of a monotone than the actual Lily on Modern Family.

Peter: You guys aren't supporting my choice?
Quagmire: Well, what do you expect, Peter, I mean a sex change operation? Why are you doing this?
Peter: I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this. For me. M E. M E. I'm doing it for Emm-my.

Foxx in the Men House[edit]

[Peter goes to the bathrooms at the Chinese restaurant, but doesn't understand the themed gender labels]
Peter: Huh, samurai or geishas ... Which one am I? I'll just wait 'til somebody else goes in. [two Asian people with unidentifiable genders go into both bathrooms] Well, that wasn't helpful.

Anthropologie Store Owner: Sir, sir, there's nothing you can possibly imagine, that's strange or useless enough, that we don't have it here at Anthropologie.
Peter: I know the one thing you don't have: black customers.
(the store owner screams and melts)

[Peter watches two girls taking a dump, in the bathroom of a tennis club]
Peter: Deuce.

Nanny Goats[edit]

TV Announcer: We now return to The Last Man on Earth, plus these other 16 people, with more showing up every day.
Peter: Aw, no way they'll pull this off. A show with just one character and an unlimited number of other characters?

[Peter loudly plays a drum set]
Peter: FYI, my mom's not picking me up for a long time, because... [performs a drum roll] She's dead!

[Peter gets a message on his phone]
Peter: Oh, boy. Amber alert. Stewie was last seen with a goat in a 98 Toyota Tercel, heading north on I-95.
Carter: How do you turn those off, by the way?

Natalia: Next book, Everybody Poops... Blood.

Peter: Give me two of those round balls of butter and a bread stick. You'll see where I'm heading with this. Okay, look, look, look. [makes a phallic shape with the food] Here's what you want. [bites the bread stick in half] Here's what you got.

Follow the Money[edit]

Carter: You there, mailman!
Cleveland: Me?
Carter: No, the other black guy in shorts. Yes, you!

Cleveland: I also have a fat, weird son. Would you like a hug?
Peter: Yes, birthdays are the hardest.

Chris: Grandpa only gave me a dollar?
Lois: Chris, you write him a thank you note. That will is still wide open.

Drive-Thru Guy: Welcome to McBurgertown, what can I get for you today?
Peter: Hmm, what's the easiest thing to eat in the car? I'll have the huevos rancheros and an orange soda without the cap.

[Tom passes by Patty, Ruth, and Esther]
Tom: What do we have, ... up, too young.

Three Directors[edit]

Peter: Hi there, it's me Peter. You know, when it comes to making dreams come alive, there used to be nothing like the movies. So we thought it would be fun to ask a few visionary Hollywood directors to create his...let's be honest, HIS, own unique version of the same Family Guy story, "Peter Gets Fired". Of the countless directors we contacted, three did not say "no" immediately.

The D in Apartment 23[edit]

[Peter and Lois watch Meg do a one woman performance of "I Love Trash"]
Peter: Whose fault is this?
Lois: You're wearing a garbage bag as a cape, who do you think?

[Brian hits on a girl in the library]
Brian: So who are you reading?
Girl: George Elliot.
Brian: Ah, Georgie. I'm a big fan. I think he...
Girl: She.
Brian: She said it best, when she said. [looks at a page of the girl's book] Bantam Press, 1851.

Brian: About to see the new Kevin Hart movie. Just kidding. I'm white and went to college.

[in the movie theater lobby]
Girl: Hey, are you @dogbackwards from Twitter?
Brian: I am. Are...are you a fan?
Girl: [angry as she throws a drink at Brian's face and a cup at him] You racist jerk! I hope you get foot-and-mouth disease!
Brian: What the hell was that?

[Peter goes into Dick's Sporting Goods]
Peter: Um, what's the name of this place?
Dick's Employee: Dick's.
Peter: [snickers] A... And what's that say on your shirt?
Dick's Employee: Dick's.
Peter: [snickers] Can I have two balls ... and a helmet?
Dick's Employee: Hey, you're the guy from the phone!
[Peter runs away, laughing]
Peter: [offscreen] Start the car, Chris!
Chris: [offscreen] Did you get him, Dad?
Peter: [offscreen] We got him!

[Lois goes into Stop 'n Shop]
Lois: Hey, Sid. Happy Mango Mandy.
[Sid scoffs]
Lois: Hmm. Those nighttime information technology classes must be really getting to Sid. Hey, Curt.
[Curt scoffs]
Lois: Curt? Come on, it's me. Lunchtime Lois. [Chuckles, then goes over to another grocery store member] Gill, help me out here!
[Gill scoffs]
Lois: Gill, no! Uh, what about Barbara? Is she back there? She can clear this up. Let me talk to Barbara!
Curt: She doesn't want to talk to you either. Nobody does. Not as long as you're living with that racist dog.
Lois: Oh, come on! It was just a bad joke! Where's Stanley? He'll vouch for me. Let me talk to Stanley or Henry. Somebody help me out here!
[Lois goes over to the grocery staff members, calling their names, but they all scoff at her]
Lois: You can't freeze me out like this. We're on a first-name basis!
Curt: They're on our name tags, Lois.
Lois: But I don't even have to look! [breaks down in tears, quavering] I don't even have to look!

[at the Drunken Clam, Quagmire, Joe, and Cleveland are drinking beer when Peter steps in]
Peter: Hey, how come no one told me we were going to the Clam? [to Jerome] Hey, Jerome. Gimme a beer.
Jerome: Oh, why? 'Cuz I'm your slave? Man, you're no better than your racist dog.
Peter: Come on, man. Brian was just making a joke.
Quagmire: I told you about Brian, man. I told you.
Peter: Come on, he deleted his tweet.
Cleveland: But the hurt has been RT'd in our hearts.
Joe: Peter, you better get out of here before I start saying "sir" like a cop.
Peter: Come on, Joe, I...
Joe: [holds up his hand in front of Peter] Sir? Sir? You've been asked to leave.
Peter: Joe, it's me, Peter. I....
Joe: [folding his arms] Sir. I don't want to have to ask you again. Please leave.
Peter: All right, fine! [he leaves as Joe starts shouting, "Sir!" at him]
Quagmire: No, Joe, Joe. He's leaving. [Joe continues shouting "Sir!" some more as Peter disappears] Joe, Joe. He's gone. It's okay. He's gone.

[a sensitivity mob gangs up on Chris and Meg in the lunchroom]
Sensitive Guy: Your dog wrote an insensitive tweet. You can't eat here.
Chris: Uh-oh, Meg. It's a sensitivity mob.
Meg: It was just a joke!
Sensitive Girl: There's no such thing as jokes anymore.
Other Sensitive Guy: Yeah, we live in a post-joke world.
Meg: Chris, maybe we should just eat outside?
Chris: No, Meg. We're eating here.
Sensitive Guy: I'd like to see you try.
[In slow-motion, the guy flips Chris' hat, making it fly, while Chris in slow-motion, raises his tray causing his food to fall down, and whacks the guy's face with it. Blood comes out of his mouth and he falls to the floor. The whole school charges at Meg and Chris, and they fight the whole school]
Chris: [exhausted after he and Meg killed almost every student] It was....a joke.
[He and Meg leave the cafeteria, leaving the whole school lying on the cafeteria floor]

[Outside, the people are clamoring in front of the Griffin residence]
Seamus: [from outside the window] Can you put it on the Canucks game?
Lois: No. Go away. [closes the window curtain]
Seamus: [from outside, off-screen] Loser!
Lois: This is getting out of control. We can't leave the house without getting harassed.
Peter: Yeah, yesterday I went outside to try to get the mail and I had a seizure.
Lois: And that may not be protester-related, but still, you gotta do something, Brian!
Brian: What do you want me to do? I deleted my Twitter account, my Instagram, Facebook, everything! People still won't leave me alone.
Lois: You have to apologize. Go outside, do it now. Tell them it was a mistake and how sorry you are, and maybe they'll get off our backs.
Brian: Maybe you're right. I gotta face them and hope they'll forgive me.

[Brian apologizes to an offended angry mob]
Brian: Hello. As you all know, I'm Brian Griffin.
Quagmire: [offscreen] Boo. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
Brian: I want to read a few words.
Quagmire: Boo. Liar. Boo, Brian Griffin. Boo.
Brian: Anyway, I want to...
Quagmire: [still cuts off Brian] Boo. Apologize somewhere else. Boo. Boo, Brian, boo.
Brian: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize...
Offended Man: Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!
Brian: It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...
Offended Woman: Ooh, says the man!
Brian: Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience.
Offended Basketball: I identify as a basketball!
Brian: Humans and basketball.
Offended Man: I'm a parrot who mimics but doesn't comprehend them!
Brian: Humans, basketballs, talking parrots, and-and whatever else is out there.
Offended Woman: "Whatever"? It's whoever.
Other Offended Woman: No one likes you, Mary.
[Everyone continues clamoring]
Brian: All right, all right, just-just calm down, okay?
[Everyone stops clamoring]
Offended Woman: Now you're tone policing us!
Offended Man: That makes me uncomfortable. Anything that makes me uncomfortable in 2017 should be illegal!
Brian: [when no one lets him apologize for his extremely raced tweet] You know what? Fuck you! [everyone gasps in horror] I'm not a racist, all right? I just told a bad joke. There's a huge difference. But nobody on the internet ever takes the time to ask themselves "Is this worth freaking out over?", Or "Are there bigger problems in this world than this tweet?". Well, I assure you there are! And just for the record, I love black people! I've watched tons of black porn! So what do you all want from me? Huh? You want to ruin my life? Well, congratulations, you did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harrassed, no one will hire me...
Stewie: [offscreen] That was a problem, before.
Brian: I can't turn on my phone without strangers telling me to kill myself, or that they're gonna kill my family. LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M THE SELF-RIGHTEOUS LIBERAL DOUCHEBAG, NOT YOU! I'VE KISSED A TRANSSEXUAL BEFORE, HOW MANY OF YOU CAN SAY THAT?! WHERE'S MY FUCKING MEDAL? I'M SO FAR LEFT I'M SPINNING IN CIRCLES, YOU SHITHEADS! INSTEAD OF KILLING MYSELF, I SHOULD KILL ALL OF YOU!
Mob Man: I'd like to see you try.
[in slow-motion, the man approaches Brian, and punches him in the nose]
Brian: Ow! Geez. [he returns to the house, with all the people clamoring and throwing stuff]

Brian: Well, we started the dialogue.
Lois: You screamed black porn at the top of your lungs in front of women and children.
Brian: I am not the person those people out there say I am.
Lois: I know that, but you also haven't done much to prove that you aren't.
Brian: I know, I know. All I have left is you guys. Thank God you have my back.
Lois: We think you should move out.
Brian: [shocked] What? [A loud thud is heard; someone is throwing something at the Griffin house]
Lois: Brian, listen. We love you, but they're throwing things at our house. We've got to keep our family safe.
Brian: Are you serious? You're okay with this?
Lois: Does this show pan across our disapproving faces answer your question?

Petey IV[edit]

[Peter is with Vladimir Putin in Russia, and is bored. He suggests watching TV.]
Peter: You got DirecTV?
Putin: We have Time Warner.
Peter: You got HBO?
Putin: We have Starz.
Peter: You got ESPN?
Putin: We have Fox Sports 1.
Peter: Does that come in HD?
Putin: 420P.
Peter: You got--?
Putin: Everything you say, I say something little bit worse.
[Peter thinks for a second, then asks one final question.]
Peter: You got Simpsons?
Putin: We have Family Guy.

Crimes and Meg's Demeanor[edit]

[Brian talks to Stewie over the phone]
Stewie: I'm coming over.
Brian: Hey, listen, you...you don't think...You don't think you could snag a couple of rolls of toilet paper, could you? [silence is heard on Stewie's end] Stewie?
Stewie: [over the phone] I'm here. I just wanted you to have to sit with those words for a minute.

Lois: [offscreen] Kids, dinner's ready.
Meg: [mimicking Lois] Dinner's ready. [normal] Shut up.

Peter: So, what are you kids doing at school?
Meg: I got in trouble for saying something insensitive to trans kids.
Lois: What'd you say?
Meg: Well, a few of them started this a capella group, and they're all kind of chubby, so I said, you guys should call yourselves, The Trans-Fats.

[a vertical flip transition to Peter and Lois happens, but the image is upside down, causing Peter and Lois to fall to the ceiling]
Peter: Ah! Son of a bitch! What was that?
Lois: I don't know. Someone must have messed something up.

[Peter and Meg go to the Drunken Clam]
Peter: Hey, you wanna see where I was sitting, when you were born?

Peter: You were already drinking tonight, weren't ya?
Meg: [snickers] A little.
Peter: Well, I can't talk to a drunk person if I'm sober.

(after Meg impresses everyone with her drinking)

Meg: What can I say? I'm just full of surprises, like the end of The Usual Suspects
(cutaway of Peter, Meg, and Lois watching the famous ending of Verbal Kint limping away, only to correct his walking, implying that he was really Keyser Soze)
Peter (gasps): He was gay the whole time!

(after seeing Quagmire escape getting caught by a jealous husband by catching an airplane with a grappling hook and flipping Brian off as he flies away)

Brian: I hate the guy, but he is good.

Lois: [enters Brian's shared hospital room] Oh my God Brian, are you okay?
Brian: Yeah, I'm fine.
Lois: [to Brian's roommate] Annie, are you okay? So Annie are you okay? Are you okay Annie?
Chris: What happened to her?
Lois: She's was hit by...uh, she was struck by a smooth criminal.
Chris: That was fun mom. We don't get to do a lot of that kind of stuff together.

Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas[edit]

Lois: You know, Chris. You and your stillborn brother, Tmas were named after Christmas.

Lois: First, I need you to take down last year's Christmas lights and put up this year's Christmas lights.

[Peter takes a too full bath and the water spills out of the tub and fills the rest of the room]
Peter: Aw, now I wanna be on that side. [Peter goes to the other side, making the water go back into the tub] Well, that didn't work. Now to take a sliding toilet seat soaking wet dump.

(as Patrick Swayze is shaping a naked Peter on a pottery wheel)

Peter: Is this how Jonah Hill was made?

[Peter discovers that an aging Brian is sleeping on his grave site]
Peter: Oh my god, I'm dead! How?!
Patrick Swazye: You died from a fire started by your MILF on a shelf.

Boy (Dog) Meets Girl (Dog)[edit]

Dog Bites Bear[edit]

[Lois tapes pictures of food and drinks to Peter]
Meg: What are you doing to Dad?
Peter: What? I'm going to the grocery store.

Chris: I can't tell if they have a really good marriage or a really bad one.

[Brian leaves the room in anger and Stewie acts like Rupert is talking to him]
Stewie: [chuckles] Yeah, you're right. I bet he is on his period, whatever that means... [covers his ears, as through Rupert is telling him what it means] LA LA LA LA! STOP STOP STOP! GROSS GROSS GROSS! EW EW EW! NO NO NO! EW!

Peter: A loaf of bread, a container of milk, and a stick of butter. A loaf of milk, a container of bread, and a Joe Dirt DVD. A Joe Dirt DVD, Scarlett Johansson, and treasure from a fish tank.

Peter: Oh, Mr. Boo Berry! I'm your biggest fan!
Boo Berry: You're not the one threatening me on Facebook, are you?
Peter: No! No. No, not... not you. Not you.

Peter: This is the best thing to happen to be, since I became a wise cracking, fourth wall breaking superhero! [cutaway to Peter as Deadpool] Call me Redstool. The treatment didn't give me powers, but it did spread cancer to my anus.

[Brian realizes he tore apart Rupert]
Stewie: Bear killing bastard!
Brian: Oh my God, Stewie, I am so sorry. I... I... I was drunk. It was an accident. I... I must have thought he was a chew toy.
Stewie: So? If you were driving drunk and ran him over, would you still go to jail? Yes! You killed him!
Brian: Let me make it up to you, please. How about you kill something I love?
[Stewie puts a gun up to Brian's head]
Stewie: How 'bout I do that?

Send in Stewie, Please[edit]

[Stewie makes a long winded description of Dr. Pritchfield, proving to know a lot about him]
Stewie: See? I guess we do know each other a bit.
Pritchfield: You seem like a very lonely little boy.
Stewie: [in tears] Oh my God, I am! I'm so lonely! [cries] You can see inside my soul!

Pritchfield: It is creating a bit of a controversy. [pronouncing "controversy" as "con-traw-ver-sy"]
Stewie: 'Scuse me?
Pritchfield: A controversy.
Stewie: I don't know what that is.
Pritchfield: Controversy.
Stewie: Contrawversy? [realization] Oh! Oh, controversy.
Pritchfield: Apologies, those of us with British accents, pronounce it "contrawversy". But how would you know that?
Stewie: Yeah, how would I know that? Look, Dr. Pritchfield, Cecil, if I may.
Pritchfield: It's pronounced "Seh-sel".
Stewie: Dammit!

V is for Mystery[edit]

Watson: Holmes, there's something I have to tell you. I'm getting marr...
Holmes: [cutting him off] I deuce, Watson, that you're getting married!
Watson: I just said that.
Holmes: Yes, but I had deuced it first.

Watson: He's got a gun! Look out, Stew ... Holmes! God, this is gonna be so annoying.

Veteran Guy[edit]

The Woof of Wall Street[edit]

[Stewie enters Brian’s car after school.]
Stewie: What a day! I asked Mrs. Watson if she had any kids of her own, immediately she put me in a time out.
[Brian pulls away from the school and rear ends Consuela’s car.]
Consuela: Ay dios mio!
Brian: Oh great, it’s one of them!
Stewie: Brian!
Brian: Stewie, adults are allowed to say racist things because of traffic.
Consuela: My ‘98 Toyota Corolla! We all have ‘98 Toyota Corolla.
Mikey: ¿Qué?
Consuela: I allowed to say racist things because of traffic.

[The guys offer to watch the Drunken Clam after Jerome has to take care of her mother on Long Island for a month.]
Jerome: You guys would really look after this place for me?
Peter: Of course, running a bar has always been my dream! Well, that, and waking up a rooster. [Cuts to Peter slowly sneaking up on a rooster sleeping on a fence] AARRRGH! [The rooster wakes up and falls off of the fence.] Enjoy the rest of your Saturday.

[Carter and Barbara are eating at a fancy restaurant across from the Drunken Clam when Carter hears “Life is a Highway” playing from the lively bar.]
Carter: Fuck, we went to the wrong place.

[Brian is in a cage waiting to be killed and made into a protein shake. He hopes to be put down peacefully, but is frightened to see Michael Vick walk into the room where the dogs are murdered.]
Crowd Voiceover: Vick!
[Brian becomes more afraid when Eli Manning follows Vick.]
Crowd Voiceover: And Eli Manning!
Brian: I didn’t know that about you.
Eli Manning: Oh yeah, I’m a real idiot psychopath.
Closed Captioning: [On the bottom of the screen] This isn’t true, but this show is written by Patriots fans.

[Joe, Quagmire, and Cleveland are watching Jerome beat up dummies of them]
Quagmire: Great idea, Peter.
Dummy Peter: [In place of the real one] Thanks, guys! [Dummy Peter realizes he is fake.] Oh no, I left the real me in there!
[The real Peter is getting beat up by Jerome in the window of the Drunken Clam.]
Peter: It’s working guys, he thinks I’m me!

Dummy Peter: [After the real Peter was beat up by Jerome.] Hello others, I am the father! Where is the mother, and what type of sex does she like to have?

Family Guy Through the Years[edit]

Peter: For 60 years, Sunday has met God, Football and Family Guy and later, to a lesser degree.

Switch the Flip[edit]

HTTPete[edit]

Mayor West: [reading from the book of Just Jared] Death be the ultimate fail.

The Unkindest Cut[edit]

Are You There God? It's Me, Peter[edit]

[Peter prepares to meet his end and says good bye to the family]
Peter: If anything were to happen to me, Lois, I'll miss you more than Life...the cereal, but not the board game which I quite enjoy.
Lois: Ok.
Peter: And Meg, I'm sorry I'll never get a chance to walk you down the aisle...at Costco to furnish your sad, single-lady apartment.
Meg: [sarcastically] Thanks, Dad.
Peter: And Stewie, it kills me that I'll never see you become a man...-loving twink.
Stewie: Is anyone gonna stop him?
Peter: And Chris, whenever you're feeling defeated, I want you to always reach for the Stars...-ky and Hutch DVD that fell behind the entertainment center. Sorry, you were the last one.
Brian: What about me?
Peter: You're a dog.

Peter: Wha..What's going on?
Lois: Peter, enough is enough, that couch is coming off. We're sick of your shenanigans.
Peter: (grunts) How dare you?! I work my ass off to bring home the bacon for this family, And all you can say is, "We don't want bacon, we want actual money!" Well, I don't have money, I spent it all on bacon!
Lois: Peter, put yourself in our shoes.
Peter: I can't! My feet swelled up too much from all the bacon. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to sleep on the couch on the couch.
[Peter walks and bumps onto the door with a couch and he grunting and he wants to come out from the bedroom]
Peter: Chris, give me a hand with this. Alright, you ready? All right, 1..2..3.
Chris: (grunting)
Peter: Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.
Chris: Okay, all right.
Peter: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. stop, stop.
Chris: What? What?
Peter: No, no, no, no, no. Twist it.
Chris: What? I am.
Peter: Just look down, all right? Just--just look at me, look what I'm doing. All right, see the way I'm twisting?
Chris: Okay.
Peter: Okay, ju...No, no, no, no, no.
Chris: Wait, what?
Peter: You know what? All right, just--hang--just put-put it down. put it down. Just drop it, drop it.
Chris: Alright, alright!
Peter: All right, let's...Let's just hang on and figure this out. All-all right, okay. I-I got it. I know what we're gonna...Okay, okay, y--you--we--here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna cushions off, unscrew the legs, take the mattress out, and this whole thing's gonna be a lot simpler. It's easier than we're making it. (grunting) This isn't working. You know what? Just give me a push.
[Chris pushes on the couch; Peter to fall down on the stairs and he dies]

[Peter gets a reprieve from dying from God]
Peter: Thank you, God!
God: Bless you, my child...pornography fan.

External links[edit]

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