Family Guy/Season 16

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Emmy-Winning Episode[edit]

Peter: Family Guy has been around since 1999 and whenever it's time for the Emmys, they don't give us one. I'm sick of it.
Lois: Well, I'm not making another episode with The Simpsons. What did that give us? I'll tell you what it got us. More ink for The Simpsons.
Peter: Yeah. [reads newspapers] Simpsons plays down to competition, Simpsons step into the sewer, shame on you, Simpsons. [jealous] Those lucky bastards.

[Lois is reglected to the role of delivery person as Sofía Vergara takes her place in an attempt to win an Emmy]
Lois: [warning Peter as he shuts the door] Forget the freakin' Emmy. If you touch her ass, I'm...

[Stewie and Brian play the roles of Mitch and Cameron from Modern Family]
Stewie: I think gender reassignment surgery is very brave and the fat man should win some kind of award for it.
Brian: [correcting him] The fat woman.
Stewie: He hasn't chopped it off yet.
Brian: That doesn't matter. Peter already identifies as a woman.
Stewie: And on Karaoke night, I identify as George Michael. That doesn't mean it's true.

[Tricia plays the role of Lily Tucker-Pritchett from Modern Family]
Tricia: Daddies, I'm standing here, delivering my line with more emotion and less of a monotone than the actual Lily on Modern Family.

Peter: You guys aren't supporting my choice?
Quagmire: Well, what do you expect, Peter, I mean a sex change operation? Why are you doing this?
Peter: I'll tell you why I'm doing all of this. For me. M E. M E. I'm doing it for Emm-my.

Foxx in the Men House[edit]

[Peter goes to the bathrooms at the Chinese restaurant, but doesn't understand the themed gender labels]
Peter: Huh, samurai or geishas ... Which one am I? I'll just wait 'til somebody else goes in. [two Asian people with unidentifiable genders go into both bathrooms] Well, that wasn't helpful.

Anthropologie Store Owner: Sir, sir, there's nothing you can possibly imagine, that's strange or useless enough, that we don't have it here at Anthropologie.

[Peter watches two girls taking a dump, in the bathroom of a tennis club]
Peter: Deuce.

Nanny Goats[edit]

TV Announcer: We now return to The Last Man on Earth, plus these other 16 people, with more showing up every day.
Peter: Aw, no way they'll pull this off. A show with just one character and an unlimited number of other characters?

[Peter loudly plays a drum set]
Peter: FYI, my mom's not picking me up for a long time, because... [performs a drum roll] She's dead!

[Peter gets a message on his phone]
Peter: Oh, boy. Amber alert. Stewie was last seen with a goat in a 98 Toyota Tercel, heading north on I-95.
Carter: How do you turn those off, by the way?

Natalia: Next book, Everybody Poops... Blood.

Peter: Give me two of those round balls of butter and a bread stick. You'll see where I'm heading with this. Okay, look, look, look. [makes a phallic shape with the food] Here's what you want. [bites the bread stick in half] Here's what you got.

Follow the Money[edit]

Carter: You there, mailman!
Cleveland: Me?
Carter: No, the other black guy in shorts. Yes, you!

Cleveland: I also have a fat, weird son. Would you like a hug?
Peter: Yes, birthdays are the hardest.

Chris: Grandpa only gave me a dollar?
Lois: Chris, you write him a thank you note. That will is still wide open.

Drive-Thru Guy: Welcome to McBurgertown, what can I get for you today?
Peter: Hmm, what's the easiest thing to eat in the car? I'll have the huevos rancheros and an orange soda without the cap.

[Tom passes by Patty, Ruth, and Esther]
Tom: What do we have, ... up, too young.

Three Directors[edit]

Peter: Hi there, it's me Peter. You know, when it comes to making dreams come alive, there used to be nothing like the movies. So we thought it would be fun to ask a few visionary Hollywood directors to create his...let's be honest, HIS, own unique version of the same Family Guy story, "Peter Gets Fired". Of the countless directors we contacted, three did not say "no" immediately.

The D in Apartment 23[edit]

[Peter and Lois watch Meg do a one woman performance of "I Love Trash"]
Peter: Whose fault is this?
Lois: You're wearing a garbage bag as a cape, who do you think?

[Brian hits on a girl in the library]
Brian: So who are you reading?
Girl: George Elliot.
Brian: Ah, Georgie. I'm a big fan. I think he...
Girl: She.
Brian: She said it best, when she said. [looks at a page of the girl's book] Bantam Press, 1851.

[Peter goes into Dick's Sporting Goods]
Peter: Um, what's the name of this place?
Dick's Employee: Dick's.
Peter: [snickers] A... And what's that say on your shirt?
Dick's Employee: Dick's.
Peter: [snickers] Can I have two balls ... and a helmet?
Dick's Employee: Hey, you're the guy from the phone!
[Peter runs away, laughing]
Peter: [offscreen] Start the car, Chris!
Chris: [offscreen] Did you get him, Dad?
Peter: [offscreen] We got him!

Peter: Hey, Jerome. Gimme a beer.
Jerome: Oh, why? 'Cuz I'm your slave? Man, you're no better than your racist dog.
Peter: Come on, man. Brian was just making a joke.
Quagmire: I told you about Brian, man. I told you.

[a sensitivity mob gangs up on Chris and Meg in the lunchroom]
Sensitive Guy: Your dog wrote an insensitive tweet. You can't eat here.
Chris: Uh-oh, Meg. It's a sensitivity mob.
Meg: It was just a joke!
Sensitive Girl: There's no such thing as jokes anymore.
Other Sensitive Guy: Yeah, we live in a post-joke world.

Lois: This is getting out of control. We can't leave the house without getting harassed.
Peter: Yeah, yesterday I went outside to try to get the mail and I had a seizure.

[Brian apologizes to an offended angry mob]
Brian: Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to apologize...
Offended Man: Why did you say "ladies" first? That's sexist!
Brian: It's just... It's just a standard greeting. Let... Let me start over. Gentlemen and ladies...
Offended Woman: Ooh, says the man!
Brian: Okay, sorry, I... I, um. Humans in the audience.
Offended Basketball: I identify as a basketball!

Brian: What do you all want from me? Huh? Do you wanna ruin my life? Then, congratulations! You did it! Everybody hates me! I can't leave the house without getting harassed, no one will hire me...
Stewie: [offscreen] That was a problem, before.

Petey IV[edit]

[Peter is with Vladimir Putin in Russia, and is bored. He suggests watching TV.]
Peter: You got DirecTV?
Putin: We have Time Warner.
Peter: You got HBO?
Putin: We have Starz.
Peter: You got ESPN?
Putin: We have Fox Sports 1.
Peter: Does that come in HD?
Putin: 420P.
Peter: You got--?
Putin: Everything you say, I say something little bit worse.
[Peter thinks for a second, then asks one final question.]
Peter: You got Simpsons?
Putin: We have Family Guy.

Crimes and Meg's Demeanor[edit]

[Brian talks to Stewie over the phone]
Stewie: I'm coming over.
Brian: Hey, listen, don't think...You don't think you could snag a couple of rolls of toilet paper, could you? [silence is heard on Stewie's end] Stewie?
Stewie: [over the phone] I'm here. I just wanted you to have to sit with those words for a minute.

Lois: [offscreen] Kids, dinner's ready.
Meg: [mimicking Lois] Dinner's ready. [normal] Shut up.

Peter: So, what are you kids doing at school?
Meg: I got in trouble for saying something insensitive to trans kids.
Lois: What'd you say?
Meg: Well, a few of them started this a capella group, and they're all kind of chubby, so I said, you guys should call yourselves, The Trans-Fats.

[a vertical flip transition to Peter and Lois happens, but the image is upside down, causing Peter and Lois to fall to the ceiling]
Peter: Ah! Son of a bitch! What was that?
Lois: I don't know. Someone must have messed something up.

[Peter and Meg go to the Drunken Clam]
Peter: Hey, you wanna see where I was sitting, when you were born?

Peter: You were already drinking tonight, weren't ya?
Meg: [snickers] A little.
Peter: Well, I can't talk to a drunk person if I'm sober.

Don't Be a Dickens at Christmas[edit]

Lois: You know, Chris. You and your stillborn brother, Tmas were named after Christmas.

Lois: First, I need you to take down last year's Christmas lights and put up this year's Christmas lights.

[Peter takes a too full bath and the water spills out of the tub and fills the rest of the room]
Peter: Aw, now I wanna be on that side. [Peter goes to the other side, making the water go back into the tub] Well, that didn't work. Now to take a sliding toilet seat soaking wet dump.

External links[edit]

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