Family Guy/Season 7
Family Guy – Seasons: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24
Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
- [At the bookstore, Brian is complaining about his love life]
- Stewie: Ah, things'll work out for you. Now, come on, let's forget our problems and get lost in the world of books. [picks up a book] Ooh! "Horton Hears Domestic Violence in the Next Apartment and Doesn't Call 911!"
- [cut to Horton the Elephant sitting in a chair reading a book. From another room, we hear a couple arguing]
- Man: You think it's easy workin' all day?!
- Woman: No-
- Man: You think I like it?!
- Woman: I don't think it's easy, but, yes, I do think you like it!
- Man: No, I- yeah, I like bein' away from you, 'cause I can't stand lookin' at you!
- Woman: You- [we hear a blow land. She screams and starts sobbing]
- Man: Hey, you think I wanna do that?! YOU THINK I WANNA HURT YOU?!?!
- Woman: NOT IN FRONT OF THE BABY- [we hear another blow land, and another scream, followed by more sobbing]
- Man: I DON'T WANNA HURT YOU! YOU MAKE ME HURT YOU!
- Horton: [continues reading] I'm sure there's two sides to this.
- Peter: You seem like a nice guy. Why don't you come over to my house for dinner tonight?
- Jesus: Okay. But I don't get off 'til 7:00.
- Peter: Great! We'll have a blast. After we eat, we can watch that YouTube footage of Marlee Matlin callin' Moviefone.
- [cut to said clip]
- Moviefone: Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
- Matlin: The Last Mimzy.
- Moviefone: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that. Please say the name of the movie you'd like to see now.
- Matlin: [impatiently] The Last Mimzy.
- Moviefone: You have selected 300. If this is the movie you'd like to see, say yes now.
- Matlin: No!
- Moviefone: You have confirmed 300.
- Mort: I wanna get back on the motorcycle.
- Brian: [sighing] I told you it's out of gas.
- Mort: Why isn't the time machine working?!
- Stewie: I don't know, Mort.
- Mort: I hate it here! I hate this goddamn place! It's all a bunch of shit! It's all a bunch of goddamn shit!
- Stewie: Okay, take it easy, man.
- Mort: [furiously] No! Fuck you, Stewie! I'm a Jew in Nazi occupied Europe! FUCK YOU! FUCK THE BOTH OF YOU!
- Brian: I didn't say anything.
- Stewie: Oh, thanks Brian.
- Mort: This is a bunch of shit!
- Stewie: Okay, you know what, Mort? Shut up! Alright, just shut the fuck up! I don't give a shit about you! You know, we could just leave you here!
- Mort: Yeah, right! Just leave me here, that's great! We're in occupied Europe, and if you haven't noticed, I'm Jewish!
- Stewie: Oh, I've noticed. Helen Keller would notice.
- Brian: Haha.
- Mort: Eat my ass, Brian!
- Brian: Don't you mean your assneck?
- Mort: Shut up, that's a real thing!
- [Adolf Hitler and a few Nazi soldiers capture Stewie, Brian, and Mort]
- Hitler: This filth is making a mockery of our Reich! Execute them! [the soldiers cock their guns, ready to shoot them, but Hitler interrupts them] Unless...
- Brian: Unless what?
- Hitler: Unless they can sing a charming musical number.
- [Stewie and Brian smile at each other as the music starts playing. A pair of hats and canes are tossed at them]
- Stewie & Brian: Whenever-
- Mort: [stands on the return pad] Damn it, will you two just get on the fuckin' time machine?!
- Carl: Hey, Chris, you know what I just got? That box set of Lord of the Rings. It's awesome.
- Chris: Yeah! But you remember the giant eagle they rode in the first one that then rescues them at the end of the 3rd one?
- Carl: Yeah. Yeah.
- Chris: Yeah, why didn't they just fly the eagle to Mordor instead of spending 3 movies walking there?
- Carl: Well, that's not what it's about, Chris. It's about the quest.
- Chris: I'm not arguing that with you. I'm just saying there's a hole in the story.
- Carl: Did you like the movie?
- Chris: Well, that's not the point.
- Carl: Did you like the movie?
- Chris: Of course. I love the movie. But look. I'm no writer. But if a fat kid like me with one finger up his nose is bumped by it, you'd think someone would've caught it.
- Carl: So, you didn't like the eagle?
- Chris: No, I did. The eagle was majestic and beautiful, but sometimes you have to sacrifice spectacle for a coherent storyline.
- Carl: Oh. Have you ever seen Krull?
- Chris: No.
- Carl: Yeah, you don't need to see Krull.
- Joe: [enraged; while cleaning his wheelchair] THIS IS MY WHEELCHAIR! THERE ARE MANY LIKE IT, BUT THIS ONE IS MINE! WITHOUT ME, MY WHEELCHAIR IS USELESS! WITHOUT MY WHEELCHAIR, I AM USELESS! [telephone rings] SHUT UP!!!
- Telephone: Okay!
- Peter: Ah! Aah! What is that?! What is that?! I feel somethin'!
- Joe: It's your spine, dude. It got, like, yanked up a bunch of notches.
- Peter: I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared...I'm scared -[vomits on Brian]
- Brian: Oh, God!
- Peter: Does this get fixed with ice or heat?
- Cleveland: Ice now. Heat later.
- [the New Brian is sitting on the couch with a slice of pie; Stewie comes up and sits down next to him]
- Stewie: Hey, New Brian. Oh, I see you're having pie. You know, pie isn't pie without Cool Hwhip.
- [Stewie doesn't get a reaction from the New Brian]
- Stewie: Everything's better with Cool Hwhip.
- [Still no reaction.]
- Stewie: Did you hear what I said?
- New Brian: Yeah, what about it?
- Stewie: It doesn't bother you the way I pronounce it? "Cool Hwhip?"
- New Brian: No, why would it?
- Stewie: Cool Hwhip. I'm emphasizing the H.
- New Brian: Sounds right to me.
- Stewie: Nothing ever bothers you, does it?
- New Brian: No, not really. I like everything.
- Stewie: God, he's a bigger buzz kill than Buzz Killington.
- [the camera widens to reveal Buzz Killington sitting on a recliner next to Stewie and the New Brian]
- Killington: Stewie, do you know why W. S. Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?
- Stewie: No...
- Killington: Because he was quartered on the port-side! [chuckles] Now that I've got you, let's both revisit the birth of the D'Oyly Carte Opera Company...
- [Stewie groans]
- Peter trying to get out of class, sees Quagmire through the door window, and smiles
- Quagmire: Yeah, I'm here to pick up my son.
- Teacher: Really, because you like you belong to that boy over there.
- Quagmire is shocked and horrified at seeing how many impregnated women carried his babies
- Quagmire darts out of the room, down the hall, and accidently runs into another classroom
- An average kid, that's just like him, thinks and asks if he's his papa
- Quagmire shocked and horrified, "Oh, GOD!"
- He accidently runs into another room, and sees a mixed Mexican child that looks just like him, and he shouts, "Oh, GOD!, again
- He makes another way into to another classroom, and finds an appearently Downs' Syndrome child asking if he's his daddy, and Quagmire shouts, again, "Oh, GOD!"
- Quagmire then runs into a hot chick, who he asks, "You don't have any kids, do you", she shakes her head, and he says, "Good... Hey, you wanna do it right here by the trash can?", and she gives the 'IDK', bashfully, and he smiles, with both of his thumbs up.
- [When the spelling bee is over and Peter won]
- Meg: Yeah, you're a smart fella', dad.
- Peter: Yeah, you're a fart smella'!
- Meg: What?
- Peter farts on Meg's face
- Meg then after the fact is disgusted.
- Peter: Come on, let's go home...
- [Stewie is trying to write a song on his guitar for Susie Swanson]
- Brian: What's it called?
- Stewie "Susie".
- Brian: [sarcastically] Wow, a song named after a girl. There aren't a million of those already.
- Stewie: Name 20.
- Brian: "Rosanna", "Roxanne", "Michelle", "Alison", "Sarah", "Angie", "Brandy", "Mandy", "Gloria", "Cecilia", "Maggie May", "Jessica", "Nancy", "Barbara Ann", "Billie Jean", "Layla", "Lola", "Polly", "Helena", "Jenny from the Block".
- Stewie: Name 6 more.
- Brian: "Sherry", "Laura", "Wendy", "Maria", "Peggy Sue", "Minnie the Moocher".
- Stewie: Name 5 more.
- Brian: "Tracy", "Jean", "Jane", "Mary Ann", "Eleanor Rigby".
- [Short pause; Stewie then throws his guitar on the floor and walks out]
- Stewie: Go fuck yourself.
- Brian: Oh, there's my laptop. Do you mind? I want to check my e-mail.
- Stewie: Go away! I'm editing this music video I'm making for Susie.
- Brian: [voice rising in pitch] Oh, really. Music video? Working on a little video there? Little, uh... little music video? Little compilation of visual images to go with the song? A little four-minute movie that tells the story of a...
- Stewie: Yeah, that only works when I do it.
- Lois: Peter, where have you been? You left for the market six hours ago! Did you get the beans?
- Peter: Lois, I've got something better! Do you know how you've always wanted a real diamond engagement ring?
- Lois: [gasps, touched] Oh, my God!
- Peter: That's right, I've bought a horse!
- [Peter sits in a doctor's office, undergoing a medical trial. The doctor fills a syringe with a black fluid.]
- Peter: Okay, what's next?
- Doctor: This is the Seth Rogen gene. It will give you the appearance of being funny, even though you haven't done anything funny.
- [He injects Peter with the fluid. Peter immediately grows a beard and curly hair, à la Seth Rogen.]
- Peter: [in Rogen's voice] Hey, doc, are we gonna be much longer? I gotta get some beers with the fellas before I go out on this date.
- Doctor: [laughs] How charming and chubby! I'm rooting for you!
- O.J.: Hi. Are you Peter Griffin?
- Peter: That's my name, don't put a knife in it.
- West: We don't want you in our town, Simpson! We don't love you as we did in 1993!
- [cut to Homer Simpson from The Simpsons]
- Homer: D'oh!
- West: And as for you, O.J., we don't want you here either!
- [Lois and Brian are touring the FOX News station, and Brian notices a large red button]
- FOX Employee: That one's kind of fun. It emits a sound that only Al Gore can hear. [presses the button, cut to Al Gore painting a portrait of fruit]
- Al Gore: There it is again!
- Tipper Gore: It's probably just wind, Honey.
- Al Gore: It's not the wind!
- Brian: Wow. Fred Savage is the greatest actor in the history of the world!
- Savage: That's all I ever wanted people to know.
- Lois: Well, if you let us run this story, I promise you they will.
- Savage: You've got a deal!
- Stern: [as the voice-over from "The Wonder Years"] Well, it finally happened. I had finally gotten the recognition I deserved.
- Savage: [angrily] I don't need you anymore!
- Stern: Well, Christ, Fred. You don't have to be a dick about it.
- [Stewie is standing beside the transporter controls with the entire cast of Star Trek: The Next Generation in the transporter pad]
- Stewie: This... was exhausting. This whole experience was absolutely exhasuting. You people have ruined Star Trek: The Next Generation for me. You are absolutely the most insufferable group of jackasses l have ever had the misfortune of spending an extended period of time with. I hope you all fucking die.
- Patrick Stewart: l still have five tickets to the carnival.
- Stewie: There was nothing for five tickets! We've been over this!
- Patrick Stewart: Well, then LeVar and l were going to pool hours for the Fuzzy Troll pencil topper.
- Stewie: Oh, yeah? You're gonna share that?
- LeVar Burton: Yeah, we were gonna share it.
- Stewie: Really? How's that gonna work?
- Patrick Stewart: Three days at my house, three days at LeVar's, and alternating Sundays.
- Stewie: For a pencil topper?!
- Michael Dorn: l have to pee again.
- Stewie: That's it. Goodbye. [pulls a lever on the control panel. The entire cast were teleported, but LeVar's drink doesn't and causes a stain on the floor] Fuck!!
- Tom and Diane: (both stoned) Here's Ollie Williams with the Blaccu-weather forecast.
- Tom: How's the weather look, Ollie?
- (cut to a stoned Ollie at a field)
- Ollie: (calmly) Not too bad.
- (cut back to Tom and Diane)
- Tom: Right on.
- Meg: [to Connie DiMico] Alright, let's do it. When we're done with him, he'll be more of an outcast than a seagull at an Adam Sandler movie.
- [cut to a movie theater]
- Adam Sandler: This is my old bicycle that I had from when I was ten...
- Seagull: [laughs]
- Adam Sandler: Sometimes the banana seat hurts my heinie.
- Seagull: [laughs]
- Crowd Member: Hey! Will you shut up?
- Seagull: No, you shut up, man! It's a comedy!
- Adam Sandler: When I ring the bell, it makes my pants feel funny. Ring! Ring! Ring!
- Seagull: [laughs]
- Connie DiMico: Oh, my God, I can smell him from here. [turns to Gina] He's perfect.
- Gina: God, you're right. He smells like Fred Flintstone's ass!
- [cut to Fred Flintstone, looking mad]
- Fred Flintstone: Hey! No one's asking you to smell it.
- Peter Griffin: Well, Chris, you must feel ridiculous.
- Chris Griffin: I do, Dad. And, Meg, I'm really sorry I was such a douche.
- Meg Griffin: Well, there is a way you can make it up to me.
- Chris Griffin: How?
- Meg Griffin: Tell me what it was like, being one of them.
- Chris Griffin: It was like basking in the warm glow of a higher intelligence as it envelops you and allows you to become part of its everlasting glory.
- Stewie Griffin: I flew today.
- Peter: You know somethin', Brian? I bet you'll make the late-night monologues.
- [cut to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon]
- Fallon: I mean, it's a little weird, isn't it? This new Lauren Conrad relationship? When asked about their sex life, Brian was quoted as saying: "Oh, yeah. We just do it my style".
- [laughter; cut to The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson]
- Ferguson: Have you seen the news about Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin? You know, a lot of these young Hollywood girls carry their little dogs around in their purses. But Lauren carries one... in her pants.
- [laughter; cut to The Tonight Show with Jay Leno]
- Leno: Yeah, so Lauren Conrad and Brian Griffin are now a couple. She gave that dog a bone, and... he gave it right back!
- [laughter]
- Brian: Lauren just finished a fascinating doctoral thesis on sub-orbital propulsion mechanisms that NASA is using for the next generation of space shuttles.
- Chris and Meg: Oooohhhhhh... Aaaaahhhh!
- Peter: So, Lauren, um, whenever I'm watchin' your show...you give me wood. Where do we go from here?
- The Shawshank Redemption
- [Red (Cleveland) is reading Andy's (Peter's) letter.]
- Andy's voice: Dear Red, if you've come this far, maybe you're willing to go a little further. You remember the name of the town in Mexico, right?
- [Red pauses]
- Red: FUCK!
- Stand by Me
- Richard Dreyfuss: [narrating] It was the meanest guy in town, Ace, and his whole gang: Beast-Man, Mer-Man, and for some reason, Norm from Cheers.
- Norm: Hey, gang. What, are we beating somebody up?
- Ace: [pulls out his switchblade] Now get lost. We'll take it from here.
- [As King Stewart enters the church]
- Citizen 1: [gasps] The king!
- Citizen 2: The king is here!
- Female Citizen: I didn't vote for him!
