Family Guy/Season 9

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century Fox. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation do not claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century Fox, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.

And Then There Were Fewer[edit]

Consuela: [greets each resident as they enter the mansion] Mr. Peter. Mr. Joe. Mr. Bonnie.
Stewie: [to Brian] She doesn't know what "mister" means.
Consuela: Mr. Mort. Mr. Muriel. Mayor West Mister.
Stewie: Oh, my God, seriously.
West: I know what you're all thinking but fear not, citizens. While I'm enjoying myself at this festive get-together, I've left the city in the capable hands of the Mayor-O-Matic 5000.
[cut to his office where we find out that the Mayor-O-Matic 5000 consists of a tape recorder, a broom and a paper plate with a face drawn on it]
Mayor-O-Matic: Take a letter, hold my calls. That's a matter for the Parks Department.

Jillian: [upon seeing Woods] Who's he?
Derek: James Woods.
Jillian: Oh, I thought he was a shark.
Derek: No, he was on a show called Shark.
Jillian: But he's made of wood?
Derek: No, his last name is Woods, but he's not made of wood. Nobody is.
[Seamus stares angrily]

Stewie: [after Stephanie is killed] I can't help but feel this would be sadder if she wasn't so heavy.
Lois: Oh my God! It was him! It was James Woods! He killed Stephanie!
Peter: Jeez, I knew he was crazy but I didn't think he was a murderer.
Mort: Oh, he must have brought us here to kill us all! Run! Run for your lives!

[The Griffins are driving away from the mansion, only to have lightning strike down a tree and destroy the bridge. Peter stops the car before it goes over]
Lois: Oh, my God! Peter, back it up!
Peter: Oh, really, Lois? I thought I might drive forward. I thought that-that might be a fun thing to do.
Chris: Stop fighting!

Herbert: Whoa-whoa-whoa! All right, look! Everybody but Chris just keep your pants on and let's figure a way out of this.
Diane: He's right. We've just gotta stay calm.
Lois: With a killer in the house?
Stewie: [In a rapper like voice] Killer in da hoouuuuse.
Peter: [scared] Oh, my God! I just realised something. James Woods hates me the most. That means he's probably gonna kill me next! [cowboy voice] Well, I reckon if I was a cattle rustler, I wouldn't be afraid.
Lois: Oh, Peter, that's good.
Peter: I know, Lois.

Peter: [dressed in armor] Check it out, I'm a robot from outer space! Hang on, I'm coming down. Go Go Gadget Skis! [Jumps down and crashes into Joe who is knocked out by a vase] Uh-oh.

[after a bookshelf moves revealing a secret room]
Stewie: Neh, my secret room's bigger.
Herbert: Mine's smaller.

[Jillian and Derek check the attic and a black cat jumps out at them]
Jillian: Hey, I bet that cat's the murderer. I'll ask him. Meow meow meow? Meow, meow-meow, meow?
Cat: [imitates Patrick Stewart] We don't all talk like that. I happen to be a professor.
Derek: Our apologies, sir.
Cat: I should imagine so. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some papers to correct.

Herbert: Chris, I'm worried with this killer on the loose, if I should die, then I just want you to know that, they might find some things. Strange things that don't make much sense to ya.
Chris: Um, okay.
Herbert: And there's gonna be a lot of talk. Nasty talk. And I just want you to know from me, it's all gonna be out of context.
Chris: Um...what does that mean?
Herbert: (frantically) It means if I die, you gotta burn my house down!

Brian: Muriel? [opens next door] Muriel? Muriel? [sniffs] Nothing.
Stewie: Well, you actually know what she smells like?
Brian: I know what everybody smells like.
Stewie: Carl?
Brian: Cheetos.
Stewie: Mort?
Brian: Pennies.
Stewie: Derek?
Brian: Brut.
Stewie: Joe?
Brian: Feces.
Stewie: Consuela?
Brian: Pledge.
Stewie: Seamus?
Brian: Wood.
Stewie: Quagmire?
Brian: Wood.
Stewie: Wow.
Brian: You know, I..have to admit, before this Muriel thing, I-I thought you might be the murderer.
Stewie: Oh, my God! So insulted. Y-- Trust me, if this were my work, it would be much more artful. There's a poetry to what I do. You know how I would've killed James Woods?
Brian: How?
Stewie: I would have electrocuted him causing a temporary paralysis, and while he was still conscious but unable to move, I would've reached into his anus and pulled out his lower intestine slowly, hand over hand like a fancy magician scarf trick. Then I would fashion the intestine in a crude giraffe and give it to his children as a Christmas stocking stuffer...and then as his eyes start to close in final submission to death's cold embrace, I'd point to the ceiling and say, "Is that your card?" And stuck to the ceiling is the card that he picked earlier. Oh, I forget to tell you, he picked a card earlier.
Brian: Wow! You're an artist.
Stewie: Oh, thanks, you're nice. I screwed that up.

Quagmire: Wait a minute... something's not right here. [sniffs] We're short one vagina in this room!

Peter: [after finding Stephanie's underpants] Oh, my God! Are those Stephanie's underpants?
Quagmire: Oh, God.
West: They're huge!
Stewie: Looks like the crotch got chewed on by a walrus mouth.
Lois: [laughs] Look, it's got flowers! Ha, I mean why bother? Who's gonna see 'em?
Chris: Maybe someone in space. [everyone laughs]
Quagmire: Come on, guys, can't we all just be glad she's dead?

Stewie: [after shooting Diane, who almost shot Lois] If anyone's going to take the bitch down, it's gonna be me.

Excellence in Broadcasting[edit]

Lois: Look, Brian, all I'm saying is it's not normal for people to change their political views so radically overnight.
Brian: Lois, no offense, but you don't exactly know what you're talking about. I mean,'re not exactly a fountain of political knowledge yourself.
Lois: You want to know what I think is happening here?
Brian: Oh, this should be rich and overtaxed.
Lois: I think you just got to be in the "out" group. Whoever's on top, whoever's in power, whoever's successful, you gotta be on the other side or you don't feel like the smartest guy in the room. All you are, my dear, is a contrarian.
Brian: Oh, please, you could not be more off base.
Lois: Oh, yeah? Let me ask, what did you think of the movie Titanic?
Brian: Horrible, one of the worst movies ever made.
Lois: Mm-hm, what about Slumdog Millionaire?
Brian: Overrated, just a terrible movie.
Lois: Cocktail.
Brian: Actually, not a bad film. You know, as classically structured cinema, Cocktail was one of the best films of its era.
Lois: You make me sick, Brian.

[Rush has persuaded Brian to go back to the Griffins]
Brian: Does this mean I'll never see you again?
Rush: Oh, I'll be around. Wherever there's a rich white guy in need of another tax break, I'll be there. Wherever there's a brain-dead woman in need of expensive life support her husband doesn't want, I'll be there. Wherever there's a country that needs to be invaded for reasons that don't exactly pan out, I'll be there, too. Oh, yes, I will be around.

Welcome Back, Carter[edit]

Carter: Ahh, that was excellent. When I clenched it, you took your fingers away. You were right to do that.
Peter: Oh my God! [Carter and his whore gasp in shock] Mr. Pewterschmidt, you're having an affair? Ewww!
Carter: No, no, this is my sister.
Peter: Ewww!
Carter: No, no, I'm impotent.
Peter: Ewww!
Carter: I mean, she looked at me while I did it to myself.
Peter: Ewww!
Carter: I mean, she's a man.
Peter: Ewww!
[Camera zooms through Peter's mouth to vocal cords, where a few employees suck up the word "EWWW" in a pipe.]
Employee 1: We need more e's and w's down here now!
Employee 2: We're trying, we're running out of letters!
Employee 3: Just turn the m's upside down and send 'em down here!
Employee 2: You can't just do that! There's a lot of paperwork before you can--
Employee 3: I don't care, I'll take the heat. Just turn 'em over and send 'em down!

Halloween on Spooner Street[edit]

[Connie and her friends wait impatiently outside the closet for those inside who are making out]
Connie: [knocks] C'mon, you guys. It's been well over 7 minutes. [knocks again] Let's go! Other people wanna use the closet!
[she opens the door]
Connie: You guys!
[she and her friends suddenly react at what they see]
Connie: Oh,... my... God!
[Meg and Chris, out of costume, are kissing in the closet; they suddenly stop when they notice that they are being watched, then look at each other nervously]
Meg: Chris?
Chris: Meg?
[both scream in shock]
Meg: OH, MY GOD! What are you doing here?!
Chris: Tryin' to grab some boob!
Meg: From your sister?!
Chris: I didn't know it was you!
Meg: Well, who did you think it was?!
Chris: Some bitch who cares!
Meg: [coughs] Oh, my God! Oh! We did so much!
Man dressed as Clinton: [in his underpants] Ah! Maybe I can get in on this!

Baby, You Knock Me Out[edit]

Tom: Now, since this is a televised boxing match, I'm going to be joined by a horribly disfigured former fighter providing barely intelligible commentary throughout. Any thoughts on the fight, Floyd?
Wetherton: Ah, I think that they are, they are gonna have, they are gonna be fightin' Diedre's last fight in the contrast to the later one is gonna be better than usually.
Tom: And how do you think that helps her chances tonight?
Wetherton: Well, the match lasting about up until the particular inaccuracy, but particular unusually that should be the ultimate determining factor in about the 12-round experience, heart of a champion, margarine hat.
Tom: Well, we'll be watching for that. We'll be checking in with you throughout the night, Floyd, and happy 23rd birthday.
Wetherton: You're welcome.

Brian Writes a Bestseller[edit]

Stewie: Brian, settle down. You're worse than that guy from Penguin Publishing.
[cut to the main office of Penguin Publishing; a writer talks to a penguin]
Penguin: You wanna get a book published, don'tcha?
Writer: Well, yes.
Penguin: Well, if you wanna be in black and white, black and white's gotta be in you.
[he smiles, and both he and the writer stare at the camera and each other]

Huffington: I think that this is simple exploitation of the American people who would be using the money that they spend to buy this book to actually buy something useful like legitimate health care that they actually need.
Brian: You know, what the hell's your problem, Zsa Zsa?
Huffington: What is your problem, Snoopy?

Road to the North Pole[edit]

[Stewie and Brian run into Quagmire and his niece in line to see the mall's Santa]
Brian: Glenn? Glenn Quagmire? Wow! What are you doin' here?
Quagmire: [not surprised] Oh, hi, Brian. Just waitin' for Santa, like everyone else.
Brian: Cool, cool. We'll just hang with you guys. [approaches Quagmire's niece] Hey, who's this little guy? Is this your nephew? Hey, buddy! You excited to see Santa? Hope you've been a good boy this year.
[her eyes fill with tears]
Quagmire: That "little guy" is my niece Abby, you douche. Her hair's short because of the chemotherapy.
Stewie: Uh-oh.
Quagmire: Do you know how much talking it took to get her outta the house because of her no-hair?
Brian: Gosh, I didn't know. I'm so sorry.
Quagmire: Oh, you're sorry? For what? That waiting in line is such a catastrophe for you'd rather destroy the confidence of a 5-year-old cancer patient?
Brian: Aw, c'mon. I didn't know she was dying.
Quagmire: Who said anything about dying?
Abby: Uncle Glenn, am I dying?
Quagmire: [holds her close] No, sweetheart, you're not dying, 'cause we're gonna see Santa, and he's gonna give you a new brain. [turns to Brian, unhappily gritting his teeth] Get outta here, Brian. Just get outta here.
[Brian and Stewie do so]
Stewie: Should've gone into politics, Bri.

Ron: The next morning, Stewie and Brian set out on foot for the North Pole. They were cold and tired, but Stewie was determined to carry out his plan to kill Santa Claus. As long as I've got all you people watching, does anyone wanna buy some pot?

New Kidney in Town[edit]

[Peter, still on Red Bull, is on The Price is Right with Drew Carey; it is time for the Showcase Showdown]
Drew: Everybody, welcome back to The Price is Right. Time to spin the wheel. Top winner for the day is Peter, so you're gonna be the first to spin it. Go ahead, Peter. Close as you can to a dollar without going over.
[Peter spins the Big Wheel rapidly]
Drew: All right. While we're waitin' for the wheel to spin, wanna say hi to anybody?
Peter: Oh, yeah, Drew. I wanna say hi to Lois, Brian, Chris, Stewie, Meg, Joe, Bonnie, Quagmire, Cleveland, Mort, Seamus, Adam West, Dr. Hartman, Bruce, Carter, Babs, Tom Tucker, Angela, Opie, Carl, Herbert, Jillian, Consuela, Giant Chicken, Greased-Up Deaf Guy!
Drew: [laughs] Okay. Sure they're happy to hear that.
[the wheel suddenly goes out of control and rolls out of position and runs over a few audience members as the rest exit; the wheel crashes through the wall]
Peter: Whoa! Paramedics, come on down!
[he laughs uncontrollably]

And I'm Joyce Kinney[edit]

Bonnie: [after hearing the news about Lois] Ha! Slut!

Friends of Peter G.[edit]

Tom: This man wants to testify!
Peter: Very well, my brother. Let us lead him on the path of righteousness!
Tom: This poor gentleman used to speak in long, eloquent sentences. But after years of drinking, he can only speak in short, choppy utterances. Why, at one time, if you asked him who his favorite musicians where, he'd say: Leonard Bernstein, Johann Sebastian Bach, and Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart. But thanks to that old devil hooch, it's all changed. Who's your favorite musician, Ollie?
Ollie: Cher!
Tom: He doesn't even like Cher.

German Guy[edit]

Herbert: [After Franz has been killed by his fall] Say good night, you Nazi bastard.

The Hand That Rocks the Wheelchair[edit]

Meg: Mr. Swanson, can I ask you a personal question? What is it like having a disability?
Joe: Well, it isn't easy. But it's like we handicapped say: "When life gives you lemons, make leg-o-nade.
Meg: I guess I can relate to that. I mean, sometimes it's really hard being me, so when life gives me lemons, I guess I just make Meg-o-nade.
Joe: That sounds disgusting.

Trading Places[edit]

[after an exasperated Chris blows up in front of Peter and Lois]
Peter: I think we should go live with Mom.
Stewie: I just heard all of that, and I just want to say this family is fucking disintegrating.

[fed up with the amount of money he has to spend for the family, Chris drags Meg across to Quagmire's house]
Chris: Meg has something she wants to tell you.
Meg: Chris, please, I'm sorry.
Chris: Say it!
Meg: Chris is a failure!
Quagmire: Uh, okay.
Chris: Now we're goin' to the Swansons'!
[he drags Meg, until he starts having an attack]
Lois: Oh, my God! I think Chris is havin' a heart attack!
Peter: [sits his wife back down] We're not opposed to leave the table.

Tiegs for Two[edit]

[after the fight and breakup]
Brian: Hey, you okay?
Quagmire: Yup. Just waiting for my car.
[Brian climbs up onto the bench next to him and stares out a few moments before speaking]
Brian: Look, I'm sorry I did what I did. Cheryl's great and I hope someday you get the chance to be with her.
Quagmire: No. I'm never gonna get that chance again. I blew it for good, Brian, and you know what? I deserve to be lonely. I'm no saint, I dated Jillian just to hurt you.
Brian: It's okay. It probably wouldn't have worked out like everything else. Hey, you know, maybe it took us stealing each other's girls to finally become friends.
Quagmire: [admittedly] Yeah, maybe.

Brothers & Sisters[edit]

Brian: Boy, Carol's lucky to have a sister like Lois.
Peter: You're tellin' me. I always wanted a brother or sister, but instead I got a broster.
[flashback to a young Peter playing until his "broster" comes in his room]
Broster: Hey, Peter, you wanna see my paginis?
Peter: Uh... Uh-- I-- Uh, I-I don't know.

West: Oh, by the way, I should tell you I got aides.
Carol: What?
West: Yeah, they're right over there waiting for me. [points to West's aides]
Aide: Ready to go when you are, sir.
West: Poor guys. They both have AIDS.
[cut to Robert Loggia in a black background]
Loggia: NOT OKAY!

The Big Bang Theory[edit]

Brian: Aw, don't feel bad, Peter. Hey, I know what'll cheer ya up. [leaves] Hey, where the hell's my banana thing?
Stewie: [appears behind the couch in Brian's banana suit and sings and dances] It's Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Peanut Butter Jelly Time!
Where he at?
Where he at?
Peter: [laughs] Oh, my God! Oh, Stewie! That is so funny! I did not see that comin'! [leaves]
Brian: But that was my thing.
Stewie: I'm pretty sure it was the Internet's thing.
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly!
Peanut Butter Jelly with a baseball bat!

Foreign Affairs[edit]

Peter: Now, I know some teachers think they're workin' outside the box when they have class on the lawn, but I'm gonna take it a step further. We're gonna do peyote in the desert.
[cut to Monument Valley; an eagle flies through the sky; Peter drives with Chris and Meg through the desert; clouds pass through the sun; Peter, Chris, and Meg walk on the sand; Peter and Chris look at each other, overwhelmed]
Meg: [dancing] Oh, it's beautiful! Everything is so beautiful! Come dance with me, Dad!
Peter: Soon, Meg. Soon. But first, I must inhale. [inhales] And again. [inhales] And again. [inhales, pause] Let's go to the Hollywood Hills and kill a bunch of people.

It's a Trap![edit]

[Darth Vader arrives on the second Death Star with a group of passengers]
Vader: Oh, my God. That was absolute hell! I just-- I don't understand why... I mean, we're in a galaxy far, far away, and we still have to change in Atlanta.
[Roger as Moff Jerjerrod enters]
Moff: Hi, Darth. You got any bags, or did you leave Mrs. Vader at home?
Vader: Wow, it's you? Are we already out of our own characters?
Tiaan: What?
Vader: How's the construction going?
Tiaan: Oh, fantabulously. Remember how last time they skimmed along a trench and then blew it up by shooting through a hole?
Vader: Yeah.
Tiaan: Well, now there's no trench.
Vader: Great. Is there a hole?
Tiaan: [pause] Yes.
Vader: What?
Tiaan: There is.
Vader: Well, if I were you, I'd repair that hole before the Emperor arrives.
Tiaan: The Emperor is coming here?
Vader: Yeah, he loves this place. I was there when he came up with the idea for the Death Star.

[flashback to Emperor Palpatine and Darth Vader at the Mos Eisley Cantina]
Emperor: Hey, Darth? Darth?
Vader: Yeah? What?
[the Emperor draws a circle on his coaster]
Emperor: That. That's what.
Vader: What? It's a circle. It's a good circle, I'll give you that.
Emperor: No. No, no. Space station.
Vader: What?
Emperor: Yep.
Vader: What?
Emperor: Yep, it is.
Vader: No way!
Emperor: It is. It is. Big time.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century Fox. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation do not claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape or form.

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