Family Guy/Season 17

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Married… with Cancer[edit]

[Brian chats with Jess]
Jess: Tell me about it. He called me a dick earlier. [slides one of her cups to Brian] I'm Jess.
Brian: Thanks! I'm Brian. Well Jess, bottoms up!
Jess: If you're lucky.
Brian: So this place... ah, worse than Syria, don't you think?
Jess: Yes! Everything about it is awful: the people, the music... [says it with Brian] if you can call it music.
Brian: Oh my God, we were grumpy and bitter at the same time!
Jess: [giggles] I like you, Brian! You actually say what's on your mind.
Brian: Hey, life's too short, right?

Dead Dog Walking[edit]

Stewie: It's possible we've taken this too far.

Brian: I'm warning you, if you kill me, the internet's gonna freak out.

Lois: Oh, Meg. You have to babysit for Stewie, Saturday.
Meg: Nope.
Lois: Okay. Chris, you have to do it.
Chris: What? That's not fair. I have a party to go to.
Lois: Sorry, Meg found pictures on your father's computer and she's blackmailing us. She can do what she wants until we get some dirt on her.
Peter: I didn't know it was supposed to be hard before I took the picture.

Pal Stewie[edit]

[Peter finds that Lois has tricked him into attending a self-empowerment seminar]
Peter: You lied to me! You said we were going to Baskin-Robbins!
Lois: I said we were going to bask in Robbin's glow.
Peter: [accusingly] You know what you did.
Lois: I do.

Stewie: This is a drone. Grown men, who have never had sexual relations fly them over people's houses to try and… see something. I don't know.

Tony Robbins: All of you here are capable of greatness.
Bruce: [offscreen] Yaaaay!
Tony Robbins: But some will never achieve it.
Bruce: [offscreen] Oh no!

Peter: Your head is the size of a picnic watermelon.
Tony Robbins: Ha! I've been told that.
Peter: And you sound like you were lost at sea, and told not to drink sea water, but drank sea water.

Tony Robbins: Peter, I was once a lot like you. Unmotivated dangerously obese, always relying on cutaways…
Peter: You know, that reminds me of the time…
Tony Robbins: No, Peter! No more cutaways! Stay in the present!

Big Trouble in Little Quahog[edit]

Stewie: [explaining his cat face paint to Brian] I'm a calico and my name is Humphrey.


Regarding Carter[edit]

Lois: You bought Vine and shut it down.
Chris: I did what?

Stand by Meg[edit]

Kevin: More appetizer?
Meg: No thanks, cauliflower gives me the scoots.

Principal Shepherd: Parents of a failing student, say what?
Peter: What?
Lois: No, Peter, wait!
Principal Shepherd: Nope. Too late. He said it. I'm marking it. [Principal Shepherd goes to a chalkboard, where he gives himself a tally mark] Didn't get The Wus. They're very smart. Asian. Maybe they didn't understand me. I don't know.

Chris: [rapping] Alexander Hamilton was white!

Lois: Why, Meg, don't you look pretty today?
Meg: Thanks, Mom.
Stewie: She's gonna ask you for something.

Judgy Sitcom Mom #1: Oh hi, Lois. Gosh, I just love how you always look so comfortable.
Judgy Sitcom Mom #2: I know. Are those pajamas?
Judgy Sitcom Mom #3: And I'm the black one, for unrealistic diversity.

Chris: I can't believe I have to go to vocational school. Does this mean that I'm a failure?
Lois: No, sweetie. It means that we're failures.

Teacher: Alright, settle down, ya yuks. We got a new student, Chris Griffin. So, everybody give him an Ayyy!
Students: Ayyy!
Teacher: Look at that. Your first day and you got all Ayyys!

[husband uses the bathroom and goes back to bed, without washing his hands]
Wife: [yawns] Did you wash your hands?
Husband: Yeah.

[Meg is sitting on the couch and Peter walks in]
Peter: Alright, time for Bethany Frankel. America's favorite chattering pirate skeleton.
[Peter sits down on Meg]
Meg: Dad! Dad, get off me! Get off me, Dad!

The Griffin Winter Games[edit]

Meg: [telling her family about the Olympic team] I'm a bi...
Stewie: Knew it.
Meg: ...athelete.
Stewie: Didn't know it.

Con Heiress[edit]

Stewie: [suspicious] What are you up to?

Lois: Peter, I need you to mow the lawn. It's out of control.
Peter: I can't mow the lawn, Lois. The Friends of Distinction are out there, Grazing in the Grass.

[Cleveland falls asleep on the toilet]
Donna: [offscreen] Cleveland? You okay in there? Cleveland!
[Cleveland wakes up]
Cleveland: Wha… wha… wha? What? Uh...yeah. Yeah, I'm fine. Mmmm, that was a good toilet dream about my neighbor and his lawn.

Peter: Now, to start the mower, you grab this pull cord like so, and give it a nice hard yank.
[Chris tries pulling cord, but it doesn't work]
Chris: Can I change my grip?
[Chris pulls the cord in a way that emulates masturbation and the lawnmower starts]
Peter: Wow, much better.
Chris: It's a more familiar motion.

Chris: Did you know Corey got recruited by ISIS? He disappeared and now there's this guy doing ISIS videos and they think it's Corey.
[Chris pulls up one of Corey's ISIS videos]
Corey: Assalamu alaikum guys, this is Corey. Here to talk about making a dirty bomb with stuff you can find in your kitchen.

Cat: I like this party.
[Chicken walks by]
Chicken: Pussies.
Cat: Cock.

Quagmire: That's a...that's a freshly oiled binge.

Peter: You're seeming kinda cocky, and I hate cocky. Boo, cocky.

[Herbert explodes]
Chris: Well, he often said he wanted to explode all over me. He finally did.

Pawtucket Pete[edit]

Peter: [eulogizing Angela] I may have lost a boss, but Heaven has gained a princess.

Bert: Attention, everyone. Do not adjust your TV sets. We are an interracial couple.

[Peter refers to the interracial couple]
Peter: Two sets of disappointed parents, right there.

Shelia: Now that Angela's no longer with us, we will be your new bosses.
Bert: We're splitting the job because one of the shareholder's favorite songs was "Ebony and Ivory".

Bert: Now some of you might find the idea of two bosses, unconventional, but...
Shelia: We.
Bert: Assure.
Shelia: You.
Bert: Nothing.
Shelia: Will.
Bert: Be.
Shelia: Different.

Hefty Shades of Gray[edit]

Joe: Hey, you guys ever check Zillow?
Quagmire: Joe, who don't you shut the...
[Peter puts his arm on Quagmire's chest]
Peter: Tell me more about this silly word.

Cleveland: You might have a g-g-g-g-disembodied spirit in your house!

Trump Guy[edit]

[see Ivanka Trump for the first time]
Meg: Holy girl boner.

Stewie: Dad's working for the Trump White House?
[cut to Stewie in his recording booth]
Director: Uh, hey Stewie? Could we do that again? Maybe a little more energy?
Stewie: [sips coffee] Uh, no?
Director: I... I think we can use it.
Stewie: [sarcastic] Oh, hey. That's awesome.

[Peter and Donald Trump walk through The White House]
Peter: Wow, The White House is great. There's no wonder you spend two days a week here.

Bri, Robot[edit]

Meg: Open your presents.
Chris: Yeah. You got one from Rami Malek, star of Mr. Robot.
Brian: Wow. He gave me the dark circles around his eyes.
Meg: Oh, cool! Did he also include his dead soul monotone?
[Brian looks in the present]
Brian: No, I don't... oh, oh, wait, hang on. [dead soul monotone] I didn't see it at first, because it was under some tissue paper.

Peter: Can I get a Minion cake for my next birthday?
Lois: We'll see, Peter.
Peter: Like a real one, like not you making it.


Cleveland: Joe, what are you eating your ice cream out of?
Joe: They ran out of those batting helmets, so they're serving it in athletic cups.

Peter: I'm using the ladies' room. How bad could it be? [goes into the ladies' room, a girlish scream is heard, and Peter exits] I saw a mouse.

Family Guy Lite[edit]

Peter: [referring to Stewie's lyric in the Theme Song] I swear, he says the F word.

No Giggity, No Doubt[edit]

[Quagmire frantically hands Courtney a cotton swab to conduct a DNA test]
Quagmire: Here, rub this up and on the inside of your cheek]
Quagmire and Courtney: Giggity!
Quagmire: Ahhh! Stop staying that!

You Can't Handle the Booth![edit]

Brian: For you kids out there, DVDs were plastic dics…
Stewie: I... I got this, Brian. Have you ever been at your grandmother's house, and you look at her weird old computer and there's like a crack on the side of it? That's DVDs.

Island Adventure[edit]

Brian: From the moment we arrived, I've either been drunk or ejaculating.
Stewie: These are things you don't say to a baby.

Throw It Away[edit]

Peter: Ugh. I can't believe you dragged me to The Flow. This is gonna suck.
Lois: Oh, knock it off. It's not gonna be that bad. Besides, I couldn't leave you at home. Last time I did that, the kids walked in on you looking at internet corn.

External links[edit]

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