Family Guy/Season 15

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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The Boys in the Band[edit]

(walks in on Stewie and Brian watching the extended cut of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that depicts Willy Wonka as a pedophile)

Lois: What'd he say? (to Brian): Brian, this does not seem appropriate to watch in front of the baby.
Stewie: "Not appropriate"? You took me to see Magic Mike XXL.
[cutaway to Lois trying to find a seat in the theater]
Lois: Oh, this one's wet. This one too. Also wet. Huh, this one's dry, but the back of the seat in front of it is wet.

Stewie: Ooh, I'm excited. This'll be great and those guys back at the factory can suck it.
[cutaway to Stewie and some other people working at a construction site]
Stewie: I'm gonna get out of this place one day.
Female Worker: Hey, Butch. Get a load of Stewie. He says he's gonna get out of here.
[workers laugh]
Stewie: You don't know me, man. I'm different. I got ideas.
Female Worker: Hey, Butch. You hear that? Stewie's got ideas.
Stewie: Shut up! I'm gonna go across that river and make it to the city on the other side. I'm gonna be a singer.
Female Worker: Bublé over here says he's gonna be a singer.
Male Worker: Hey, Bublé. I got a tune for you to sing. It's called "Get your ass back on the forklift. Lunch is over."
Butch: Hey, Stewie. Don't listen to those guys. Follow your heart.
Stewie: Shut up, Butch. You're the loser of this crew. Hey, guys. You hear that? Butch told me to follow my heart!

Peter: Chris is looking for work. Maybe he can help you out. Be your assistant.
Quagmire: Huh, maybe. [to Chris] Do you have any references?
Chris: Uh, Cowabunga, Schwing. Yadda, Yadda, Yadda.
Quagmire: Those are pretty good references. You're hired.

Olivia: Stewie? Oh, I thought it was you.
Stewie: Hey, Olivia, hey! What brings you here?
Olivia: Oh, the birthday boy and I met at Burt Reynolds' acting camp in Jupiter, Florida.
Stewie: Well, I'm glad to hear you're still acting. You know, the last time I saw you, you were-
Olivia: Burning in a cardboard house?
Stewie: Yep, burning in a cardboard house, yeah.

Stewie (singing as Brian hums along): I want a little brother/On second thought/I'd think I'd/Kill him dead. (stops, to the stage technician): Okay, can we cut Brian's mic off? His humming sounds like my table's ready at Chili's.

Bookie of the Year[edit]

Frank Sinatra Jr.: Stewie! Elliot!
Brian: It...it...it's actually "Brian". We've...we've met many time before.
Frank Sinatra Jr.: Then who's Elliot?
Brian: I ... I really wouldn't know.
Stewie: This is a bad start to whatever he's doing.

Stewie: You uh...you keep meatballs in your jacket?
Frank Sinatra Jr.: Oh, yeah. All my pockets are lined with Reynolds Wrap. I learned that from my old buddies, Dean Martin, Jr., Joey Bishop, Jr., and Sammy Davis, III.

Announcer: Step right up. Everybody take a chance on Whack-A-Big Pussy.
[Chris is seen playing Whack-A-Big Pussy, which is a game with Salvatore "Big Pussy" Bonpensiero from The Sopranos]
Chris: This is not what I thought it was! RAAAAGH!
[Chris gets angry and starts smashing the game]
Lois: Oh my God, Chris is out of control!
Peter: I know. It must be all the violence in movies and sex on TV.
Lois: Ohhhh.
Peter: See, I listen.

American Gigg-olo[edit]

[Brian enters the kitchen after a day on the job]
Brian: [to Lois] Wow, what a day!
Stewie: Please don't comment.
Lois: [ignoring Stewie] Oh, look at you. Did you get a job?
Stewie: Bitch.

Stewie: There's a rat trap in that cabinet ... with a foot in it ... and somewhere in this house, there's a footless rat.

Quagmire: Ladies, this is your pilot speaking. I am the full, upright, and locked position.

[the Who Else But Quagmire Guy comes up]
Peter: Oh, hey, it's that guy! Are you gonna say, Who else but Quagmire?
Who Else But Quagmire Guy: Uh, no, I, uh, wanted to know if Quagmire was available tomorrow evening.
Peter: Are you... Are you gay?
Who Else But Quagmire Guy: Uh, of course not, but I'm unable to properly have sex with my wife so I figures, you know, who else but Quagmire?
Peter: Hey, awesome cameo.

Inside Family Guy[edit]

Lois: Is ... is it your line?
Chris: I don't ... uh, I don't think so.
Stewie: I'm ... I'm sorry, whose line is it?
Gary: Cut! That was Peter's line. Where's Peter?
[Peter enters the room]
Peter: Sorry, I was in my trailer eating fancy nuts and smoking.

Lois: Well, it certainly isn't easy being in a family that also happens to star in a sitcom together. Especially last year when I discovered those naked pictures of that 18 year old intern on Peter's phone, but he explained that his phone number was the old number of ... uh ... of her ex-boyfriend, so ... what was it again? ... So, the cloud. That's right. So, the photos were on the cloud and the ... the ... the cloud pulled the pictures uh ... I mean, even if the pictures had not been sent directly to him and ... that's why he has them and we both called the Apple store and they said that they can't disprove that it doesn't happen and so, here we are. Still married. Still on the show ... and ... and it's happened five times since then ... some of the pictures have both Peter and the girl in them.

Peter: Oh, yeah. It's great, you know, doing the show with your family, cuz what guy doesn't want to go to his office and have his family there? You know, and then you go home after work and catch up with the family, [progressively gets more depressed as he keeps talking] and then uh ... next day same thing. Just trying to make it through the weekend, so you can uh ... spend some time with the family ... Isn't that the dream?

James Woods: It's not just the Griffins who work hard to make Family Guy what it is. Here in the props department, some sweaty guy is working on the Petercopter.
Sweaty Guy: That's right. You know, a lot of people don't realize, SEAL Team Six actually completed their mission in this puppy.
[cutaway to SEAL Team Six's mission killing Osama bin Laden]
Osama: Oh cool, Family Guy! Over here! I'm down here!

Quagmire: Look, don't get me wrong, guys. I think it's hilarious ... and I totally get that the sex thing is what made me popular, but ... would it kill us to just once tell a joke that brings glory to God?

Chris Has Got a Date, Date, Date, Date, Date[edit]

Peter: Alright, red light. Time to text and shave and whittle and floss.

Stewie: You've just gotta do what Taylor Swift does and shake it off.
Chris: Who's Taylor Swift?
[Stewie pauses in shock]
Stewie: Oh my God! Am I about to introduce you to Taylor Swift?
Chris: What is she, a singer?
Stewie: She's much more than a singer, Chris. She's ... she's ... she's the queen! A goddess! A gazelle in a high-wasted swimsuit!

[Peter fills out a form]
Peter: Name ... Peter Griffin. Criminal history ... This section is optional. I will skip this.

Stewie: [talking to Taylor Swift] Okay, so let's talk about Harry Styles. Now, you don't have to say anything. I'm just gonna slowly pull out this tape measure, and you indicate when I should stop. Okay, here I go. [Stewie starts pulling out the tape measure] Still going ... still going ... Oh my God, you bitch! Seriously?

Hot Shots[edit]

Lois: Peter, we can't have a bat flying around the house. We gotta do something.
Peter: Don't worry, Lois, I'll get rid of it. It'll be a piece of cake. Just like my penis enhancement. [cutaway to Peter at the doctor's office] I want it to hang down to my knees. [Peter leaves the building, with extremely short legs] They moved up my knees.

High School English[edit]

Gatsby: I came down here to think every night and gaze at that green light. It's where the love of my life lives. Daisy Buchanan.
Nick: Um, I hate to break it to you, but that green light you've been looking at is a gay gym called the Pump House. [nervously] I... I only know that because I... I saw a coupon that came with my rental.

Gatsby: You know, sometimes I just wanna jump off this balcony and into that pool down there.
Daisy: So do it.
Gatsby: Yeah, I know, right? [chuckles] Do it!
Daisy: Yeah, do it.
Gatsby: I know, I totally should, right? Here I go. 1... 2... 3... Whoa! [laughs] Can you imagine?
Daisy: Yeah, I can imagine. It would be fun. You should do it.
Gatsby: If only it here that easy, right?
Daisy: It is. It... It looks deep enough. It's your pool. It's your house. You can do whatever you want.
Gatsby: I know, right? Uh, you know, I can't right now. My pool guy's cleaning it.
[RJ is shown to be the pool guy]
RJ: Are you going to bone her?

Daisy: Nick, have you met Jordan? She plays golf and is what kids will someday call a duff.
Nick: Hey, yeah. Nice Tam o'shanter.
Jordan: I'll drink your finger bowl if you don't want it.
Nick's narration: In the book, I actually go on a few dates with Jordan. We're gonna skip all that.

Tom: I'd like to add another bit of pointless confusion that will make sense later. Let's everyone drive someone else's car.
Gatsby: Someone can take my coop.
Nick: I'm riding with Gatsby, I don't care which car.
Jordan: I'll take someone in Daisy's car.
Tom: I don't think Daisy said you could drive her car.
Daisy: Tom, why don't you take Jay's car?
Tom: Who's Jay?
Daisy: Gatsby.
Tom: Okay, I have never heard anyone call him that.
Nick: Look, if you're in your own car, you're in the wrong car.

Nick: So, you're seen any good movies lately?
George: We just saw Woman Tied to Railroad Tracks 5. Pretty similar to 4.

Tom: Hello, room service? I'd like a bottle of your second most expensive champagne.
Gatsby: And I'd like your most expensive bottle.
Tom: Wow, walked right into that one.

Tom: I hear Gatsby didn't even fight in World War I.
Nick: Wait, why is he calling it that? [worried] Is there gonna be another big war?

Tom: Hi, Huckleberry Finn.
Huck: Hi, Tom Sawyer. You're Tom. I'm Huck. [to the camera] Everybody good?

Carter and Tricia[edit]

Lois: Why the hell would Daddy buy the Brewery?
Brian: Well, there's children in the room. Watch your swearing.

Joe: I have to confiscate your license and you're gonna have to walk home.
Brian: But can't you at least just give me a ride?
Joe: No can do, Amigo.
Brian: Alright, I guess I'll just call an Uber.
[Brian calls an Uber and Joe's phone rings]
Joe: Are you Brian?

How the Griffin Stole Christmas[edit]

[Peter walks into the house, while the kids are watching TV]
Peter: You guys, what are you doing, watching TV? It's snowing.
Brian: Really?
[the kids look out the window]
Meg: Wow! It's so beautiful.
Peter: Isn't it? And you know what's a miracle, kids? Every single snowflake is exactly alike.
Chris: I don't think that's right.
Peter: No, it's true. Just like fingerprints.

Peter: Sledding was the second passion of the Christ.
[cutaway to Jesus winning a sled race]
Jesus: Eat this, for this is my dust.

Stewie: [to Susie] My sled has Dora on it because my parents got it at a yard sale. It ... It's still for boys though. She's about language acquisition, not gender.

Cleveland: You serious all this white stuff used to be water? Mmm, my word.

Brian: I've been crashing office Christmas parties for the free booze and the drunk women, who don't want to spend the holiday alone.
Stewie: Oh, so you're a Christmas party creep, just like the fat man is a pool party creep.
[cutaway to Peter and Chris at a pool party]
Peter: Now Chris, you're getting older, so it's time for you to learn the classic pool party game, Talk to someone's wife in a bikini, until they cover up uncomfortably. [Peter talks to Bonnie and stares at her] So, Bonnie. How are things going?
Bonnie: Oh, things are fine. Been kind of busy lately, what with Susie starting to... [covers up]
Peter: Okay, bye. [Peter leaves] Man, that was like two seconds.
[Quagmire comes up to him]
Quagmire: Hey, Peter. Hey, what have you been watching on TV lately?
Peter: Oh, you know, this and that. There's this show called "Shipping Wars" and it's actually kind of...
[covers up]
Quagmire: Okay, bye.

Chris: Dad, look! Santa's here! [gestures to a Mall Santa] I wanna sit on his lap.
Peter: Jeez, Chris, come on. You're in high school.
Chris: I'm gonna ask for a family trampoline.
Peter: Holy crap! Get your ass up there!

Passenger Fatty-Seven[edit]

Cleveland: Wow, so that was San Francisco.
[Joe has extremely muscular arms]
Joe: I didn't realize how hilly it was gonna be there.

[Quagmire kicks the guys out of the cockpit]
Peter: Joke's on him. I farted just before he kicked us out.
Quagmire: Aaah! Oh, God!

Cleveland: Oh my God! Those guys in first class have guns!
Peter: Cleveland, just be happy with what you have. Don't envy people.

Gronkowsbees[edit]

Joe: Hey, it's a commercial. Jerome, switch over to The Red Zone.
Quagmire: Screw that, I say we put on The Bone Zone.
Cleveland: What's that?
Quagmire: Oh, it's awesome. They show every sex scene on TV, without all the boring dialogue and plot.

Peter: I didn't see that in the newsletter this month. Just a big article about how to tailgate a speeding fire truck to get places faster. [cutaway to Peter tailgating a fire truck] Wait til they get to the golf course and find out there's no fire.

Peter: Oh my God! Our new neighbor is Gronk!
[Lou Ferrigno walks up]
Lou Ferrigno: Hey, I'm your new mailman. Former star of The Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno.
Peter: On any other day, that would be so exciting. Please give me my mail and go.

[Brian and Stewie are in a car, surrounded by bees]
Brian: What the hell are we supposed to do? We're surrounded.
Stewie: Hang on, I got this. [texting] Meg, come outside. We have pinkberry.

Peter's Def Jam[edit]

[Meg walks into the room with a buzz cut]
Meg: I said damn, what a wild couple of days. Anyways, sup with you guys?
Chris: Sorry amigo, not interested.

Lois: I'm gonna go take a shower, so I can blow my nose into my hands. [crashes into a wall] Ow! Dammit! I hate this house.
[Peter walks in as Lois leaves]
Peter: Morning, honey.
Lois: [offscreen] Go to Hell!

The Finer Strings[edit]

Brian: Ugh, this is gonna suck. 80% of these acts are either air guitar or girls dancing to songs from Frozen.

Lois: I'm glad you finally agreed to have the cataract surgery, Daddy.
Carter: I wish I hadn't. I can't see anything now. This is terrible.
Lois: Well, that... That's why the whole family came to support you.
Carter: Oh, really? Oh, wow. That's so kind. Who's there?
Lois: Oh, uh, ... Well, as you know. I'm here.
Carter: Who else?
Lois: Uh, Stewie and Brian.
Brian: Hey, hope you feel better soon.
Carter: That doesn't sound like the whole family.
Lois: [imitating Peter] Hey, hope those eyes get better soon, Pop. It's me, Peter. Shipoopi.
Carter: Oh, thanks for coming, Peter.
Lois: [mimicking Chris] I'm here too, Grandpa. [as herself] And, uh, and Meg went down to ... To put money in the meter.
Carter: Ah, I don't care.

The Dating Game[edit]

Tom: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, tonight's second story.

[Stewie walks into the room, groaning in pain]
Brian: What's wrong with you?
Stewie: It's my back. It's killing me.
Brian: Yeah, I'm not falling for that hot oil massage bit again.
Stewie: No, this time it's not a bit. I'm really hurt. I must have jacked it up, playing sports and not trying to dance like Beyoncé.

Al Harrington: Good afternoon and welcome to today's auction. I'm Al Harrington of Al Harrington's Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-Flailing Tubeman Warehouse and Emporium. Due to the presence of black mold, discarded half-eaten turkey legs, and an undulating rat king that no one dares approach, I have been devised to move these proceedings along as quickly as possible.

Cop and a Half-wit[edit]

Joe: Sorry I'm late. The pantry down at the station needed new shelf paper.
Quagmire: That's what they got you doing down there?
Joe: Well, that, and I'm also in charge of the office gerbil. And let me tell you, Lieutenant Nibbles is quite a handful. He'll only eat real cheese. Not processed.
Cleveland: You buy special cheese for a gerbil?
Joe: Yeah, I have to. He outranks me.

Joe: It may not sound exciting, but I play an important role. I go through all the body cam footage and take out all the parts where the cops go pee pee.
Cleveland: So, you're just erasing cop wieners all day?
Joe: Eh, not erasing. Sort of cutting them together into a funny montage, we watch on birthdays.

Saturated Fat Guy[edit]

[when Chris kills himself when Peter tells him he runs like a girl, he is shown at his funeral in a dress]
Peter: Run like a man, you get a suit.

Peter's Lost Youth[edit]

Father: Next up, our fantasy weekend for two at Fenway Park.
Peter: Oh, man. This is it.
Father: And the winner is ... Peter Griffin!
Peter: Holy crap, I won!
Brian: Wow, good for you.
Meg: Congratulations.
Chris: I LIKE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY YOUR NAME OUT LOUD!

Airport Security Guard: Sir, you're not allowed to be on the carousel.
Peter: Well then, maybe you shouldn't have named it such a fun word.

Joe: I've got that murdered jogger's Discman you wanted last week. Still bloody.

Meg: Mom, you're really going to Boston? I didn't even think you liked baseball.
Lois: Oh, I'm not going for baseball. I'm going for shopping, the hotel spa, and two days of away from you life-sucking turds.

Meg: Okay, now you heard Mom say I'm in charge. So, I just wanna lay a few ground rules.
Stewie: Yep.
Meg: I promise we're gonna have fun, but there will be a schedule.
Stewie: Uh-huh.
Meg: Just to keep everything running smoothly.
Stewie: Sure, gotta have boundaries.
Meg: And I may assign a chore or two.
Stewie: Sounds great, Meg.
Meg: Because, it's actually more fun, when everyone pitches in.
Stewie: Hey, by the way.
[Stewie sprays Meg with a garden hose]
Meg: AAAAAAAAH!
Stewie: I'm gonna flush your retainer down the toilet.

Lois: Alright Peter, I'm gonna go. You wanna hand me some cash in front of the other men, so you feel powerful?
Peter: Instead, why don't you just take my Minions Discover card?

The Peter Principal[edit]

Principal Shepherd: [over the intercom] Good morning, students. Today at 3:30, James Woods High will be hosting a cross-country meet, which also happens to be where Lorraine has threatened to take my children. Across the country. And here's today's Tuesday trivia question. Does this sound like yelling? Because apparently, this sounds to some people like yelling.

Jock: Well, well. If it isn't Meg Griffin.
Meg: Leave me alone, you guys.
Jock: Relax, we're taking the day off from bullying.
Meg: Oh, thank God. [opens here locker and her face gets burned off] Very funny. Who put the ark of the covenant in here?
[the bullies laugh]
Jock: Meg is so stupid. She couldn't handle the glory of God's love.

Principal Shepherd: I just listened to two hours of butt-dialed sex between my wife and the ADT alarm guy.
Meg: Why didn't you just hang up?
Principal Shepherd: Because I miss the sound of her voice. [bursts into tears]
Lady: [over the intercom] Principal Shepherd, your wife if on the line. She says, "Ugh! Ugh! Oh, God! Harder!"

Stewie: Please rub the H and the C off all the knobs, so people won't know what the hell's going on. I want the first 4 minutes of every shower to be confusion and anger.

School Board Guy: I know a number of our students have felt [mimicking students] traumatized by the events of this week [normal] and we take those concerns very seriously.

Dearly Deported[edit]

A House Full of Peters[edit]

External links[edit]

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