Family Guy/Season 18
Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
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- Peter: What's the big emergency? Why did everyone have to come in on Monday?
- Bert: The internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe.
- Peter: So is Derek Jeter safe?
- [Umpire enters]
- Umpire: Safe! He's half black!
- Bert: Hey, there PG. Been a minute.
- Peter: Hey, Ernie. Uh, I mea-I mean, Cookie Mons-I mean Bert! Bert, sorry.
- Lois: I gotta say, Peter. I had reservations about this cruise, but you do seem more relaxed.
- Peter: Hey, good thing I had reservations on this cruise, huh?
- Lois: Go Stewie! Ha! Isn't this exciting?
- Peter: Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneeling during the national anthem.
- [Kyle Kaepernick kneels during the national anthem]
- Peter: Boo! Get on your feet!
- [Kyle Kaepernick stands up]
- Peter: Boo! Down in front!
- Brian: It's a meaningless event. Like a bar mitzvah.
- [cutaway to a boy's bar mitzvah]
- Rabbi: Today, you are a man.
- Boy: Great! Can I drive?
- Rabbi: No.
- Boy: Can I vote?
- Rabbi: No.
- Boy: Can I drink?
- Rabbi: No.
- Boy: Can I have sex?
- Rabbi: No.
- Boy: Can I cash the checks?
- Rabbi: Yes!
- Peter: Do you have oysters?
- Waiter: We do not.
- Peter: Ah, shucks.
- [Stewie wears a medal he won in a race]
- Stewie: Hey, Brian, you don't have a medal detector on you, do you?
- Peter: Okay, when I read your name, please respond with a "here". Griffin, Mac.
- Meg: It's Meg.
- Peter: Sorry, it looks like Mac. Griffin, Liam.
- Lois: It's Lois.
- Peter: Again, please respond with "here".
Disney's The Reboot
- Peter: That woman looks exactly like me.
- Lois: That's your reflection, Peter.
- Peter: Oh ... I'm beautiful.
- Von Jiner: As you may or may not care, Family Guy is in its 17th season, and since FOX is now owned by Disney, which will someday be owned by Netflix, which will someday be owned by Pornhub, we have decided that Family Guy is ready for a reboot.
Peter & Lois' Wedding
- Peter: This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told … The Mighty Ducks. It was a time of great nonsense,...
- Meg: Dad, why don't you tell us how you and mom fell in love and got married?
- Chris: And in go the earbuds.
- Quagmire: I got a promotion at Blockbuster!
- [everyone claps like in the theme song of Friends]
- Peter: Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news.
- Quagmire: I know, right? You know how I always felt like I was stuck in second gear? Well, this is a new gear!
- [Peter rants about the "fountain dancing" in the theme song of Friends]
- Peter: It was senseless. We were in our clothes for God's sake. Everyone got wet. It was cold. You know, there were originally nine friends, but three of them died of pneumonia. I'm still haunted by Chad's shivering last words, "Don't let Monica get Botox."
- [Peter and Lois shop at an adult bookstore]
- Peter: Lois and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I'm not sure that 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook. [Peter gets a notification] Ew, Meg. Don't "like" that!
- Lois: We're having people over! I just got off the phone with my mom and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving.
- Peter: I can't believe you invited the whole family. You know I hate big Thanksgivings.
- Lois: Don't worry, Peter. It's gonna be fun and I can handle most of the prep, myself. I just need you to go to the market and get some extra napkins.
- Peter: That's not so bad.
- Lois: Oh, and pick up some wine for the adults.
- Peter: I can do that.
- Lois: And put the extra leaf in the dining room table.
- Peter: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!
- Joe: Bonnie's sister is married to a real show-off.
- [cutaway to Bonnie's sister visiting]
- Bonnie: Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
- [Wendell enters, being a man with ALS]
- Joe: Wendell.
- Wendell: Joseph.
- Joe: It's just Joe, I think you know that.
Christmas is Coming
- Sign Outside School: Winter Choral Performance: We Can't Say Christmas Because of That One Family
- Peter (after the school chorus sings Jingle Bells): Aw, this is one of those weird, "third-verse-nobody-knows" songs.
- Chorus: Winter killed our child
- Medicine was rare
- He ran outside in his bare feet
- And then he died right there
- Peter (back in the audience): Glad that's over. Oh, God, there's four.
- Chorus: Please don't free the slaves
- It's a bad idea
- They'll try to get back at us
- And that's our biggest fear, oh...
- [Brian tries to explain Meg's orgasm after seeing Stewie's picture]
- Brian: Wow, okay, uh...Stewie. I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her Little Mermaid, Moana.
(Meg discovers that Peter is working as a mall Santa)
- Meg: Dad, I'm going to ask you one question, and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?
- Peter: No.
- Meg (relieved): Oh, thank God!
- Peter: Now, Meg, I got a question for you: is there really a weight limit for the escalator, or did I just meet some mean kids?
- [Peter names off things he'll have to be responsible for when Lois gets arrested while Joe tries to encourage him to find a good one to finish on]
- Peter: ...So long, bitchy 2AM blanket pulls.
- Joe: Ahhh, there we go.
- Lois: [from the back of the police cruiser] Fuck you, Peter.
- Stewie: Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.
- Brian: It's a they.
- Stewie: Good for they.
- Joanna: I'm getting my friend a birthday card in Spanish... but he doesn't speak Spanish! [laughs]
- Stewie: Oh-ho-ho-ho! He's not gonna know what it says! Oh, you're bad.
- Mort: Go on! Scoot! Get out of here! Or I'll do the cliché pharmacy price check jokes.
- Brian: You wouldn't dare.
- Mort: [over the intercom] Yes, I need a price check on extra small condoms!
- Joanna: [offscreen, laughs] That's the last thing he'd wanna announce! [laughs] Oh, God!
- Brian: How did you know what he was doing?
- Stewie: I read his book. "There is no greater motivation than the destruction of an enemy, and my enemy is Brian Griffin. One day, I will convince him to cut off his own balls, and that will be my greatest accomplishment." You said his books changed your life, but you didn't even read them. This is why you're nothing.
- [Peter and Lois try to calm down after a fight]
- Lois: Peter, I don't want to have to ground you. You're my husband and I just don't want you to lie to me.
- Peter: I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid.
- Lois: Act like a man and I'll stop treating you like a kid.
- Peter: Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.
- Lois: What?
Rich Old Stewie
- Stewie: Fart joke.
- [a hot shirtless guy walks into the room]
- Shape Shifting Valet: Sir, you need to get ready for your lifetime achievement award ceremony.
- Stewie: Thank you, shape shifting valet.
- Shape Shifting Valet: Remember sir, I can be any shape you wish.
- Stewie: Yeah, but you're already this so.
- Peter: I love coming to the ballpark. Drunken Irish in front of a fishbowl of minorities. What could go wrong?
- Brian: Wish me luck, Flat Stanley. (leaves in Stewie's time machine)
- Flat Stanley: Or you could just call me "Stanley". Not make fun of my body.
- Stewie: Well, that was fun but it didn't fill the whole episode, so in the Pixar tradition of killing time, here's a Family Guy short and don't worry, it won't be that creepy one where the Chinese mother eats her baby.
Start Me Up
- Peter: Nothing like drive time radio to remind me that I don't make enough to afford satellite radio.
- Weenie: Hey hey! You're listening to WQHG 97.1 and we are Devin and Lawrence formerly known as Weenie and the Butt.
- The Butt: That's Devin. Those nicknames no longer fly ever since several women came forth with allegations of sexual misconduct against each of us.
- Brian: [trapped inside the kitchen] Is there food on the floor? I can clean it up!
- Lois: No!
- Brian: [observes the party from the kitchen] Joe dropped a cracker! Joe dropped a cracker!
Better Off Meg
- [Meg calls her family and they don't believe it's her]
- Peter: Okay, Meg. If this is you, what's your birthday?
- Meg: March 23rd.
- Peter: I have no idea if that's correct. Good day, sir.
- [the Griffins, sans Brian, are on vacation during a hurricane]
- Meg: Where's Brian?
- Lois: Oh my God. When we evacuated, I think we forgot him.
- Peter: It's okay, Lois. I left him chained up in the gully in the backyard.
- [cutaway to Brian nearly drowning in the backyard back at home]
- Brian: Guys?...Guys!?
Movin' In (Principal Shephard's Song)
- [to start a complete script, see: "Movin' In (Principal Shepherd's Song)" at the Transcripts Wiki]
- Principal Shepherd: Okay, Chris. While you make these announcements, I'm going to be massaging your shoulders, just so I can say in court that I do it to everyone.
- [Chris misreads the morning announcements and Principal Shepherd corrects him]
- Chris: God.
- Principal Shepherd: Good.
- Chris: Movement.
- Principal Shepherd: Morning.
- Chris: Anglebird.
- Principal Shepherd: Everyone.
- Chris: The stagnant cancer muting.
- Principal Shepherd: The student council meeting.
- Brian: Stewie, how can you afford an entire opera in your room?
- Stewie: Oh boy. Brian's upset because someone has something he hasn't. You know what I'm getting for your birthday? The ability to be happy for other people.