Family Guy/Season 18

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was canceled in 2002, but after a positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Bert: The internet pretty much only lets us fire white males, so if you're not a white male, you're safe.
Peter: So is Derek Jeter safe?
[Umpire enters]
Umpire: Safe! He's half black!

Meg: I gotta say, Dad. I had reservations about this cruise, but you do seem more relaxed.
Peter: Hey, good thing I had reservations on this cruise, huh?


Lois: Go, Stewie! Ha!, Isn't this exciting?
Peter: Yeah, but I don't like little Kyle Kaepernick kneelin' durin' the National Anthem.
[Kyle Kaepernick kneels during the National Anthem]
Peter: Boo! Get on your feet!
[Kyle stands up, but his gigantic afro blocks Peter's view]
Peter: Boo! Down in front!

Brian: It's a meaningless event. Like a bar mitzvah.
[cutaway to a boy's bar mitzvah]
Rabbi: Today, you are a man.
Boy: Great! Can I drive?
Rabbi: No.
Boy: Can I vote?
Rabbi: No.
Boy: Can I drink?
Rabbi: No.
Boy: Can I have sex?
Rabbi: No.
Boy: Can I cash the checks?
Rabbi: Yes!
Peter: That woman looks exactly like me.
Meg: That's your reflection, Dad.
Peter: Oh ... I'm beautiful.
Quagmre: You! You son of a bitch! This is all your fault!
Peter: This is the story of the greatest trilogy ever told … The Mighty Ducks. It was a time of great nonsense,...
Meg: Dad, why don't you tell us how you and mom fell in love and got married?
Chris: And in go the earbuds.

Quagmire: I got a promotion at Blockbuster!
[everyone claps like in the theme song of Friends]
Peter: Gleonard Quagmire, that is fantastic news.
Quagmire: I know, right? Do you know how I always felt like I was stuck in second gear? Well, this is new gear!
Meg: Dad and I are stocking up for a very special anniversary evening and I'm not sure that a 5% discount was worth checking in here on Facebook. [Peter gets a notification] Mom. Don't "like" that!
Lois: We're having people over! I just got off the phone with my mom and all the Pewterschmidts are coming here for Thanksgiving.
Peter: I can't believe you invited the whole family. You know I hate big Thanksgiving.
Lois: Don't worry, Peter. It's gonna be fun and I can handle most of the prep, myself. I just need you to go to the market and get some extra napkins.
Peter: That's not so bad.
Lois: Oh, and pick up some wine for the adults.
Peter: I can do that.
Lois: And put the extra leaf on the dining room table.

Joe: Bonnie's sister is married to a real show-off.
[cutaway to Bonnie's sister visiting]
Bonnie: Denise, Wendell, it's great to see you.
[Wendell enters, being a man with ALS]
Joe: Wendell.
Wendell: Joseph.
Joe: It's just Joe, I think you know that.
[Brian tries to explain Meg's orgasm after seeing Stewie's picture]
Brian: Wow, okay, uh...Stewie. I think I know what happened. I can't tell you explicitly since we're owned by Disney, but let me just say that Santa made her "little mermaid Moana".

(Meg discovers that Peter is working as a mall Santa)
Meg: Dad, I'm going to ask you one question, and how you answer it will determine the rest of my life. Were you the Santa at this mall yesterday?
Peter: No.
Meg (relieved): Oh, thank God!
Peter: Now, Meg, I got a question for you: is there really a weight limit for the escalator, or did I just meet some mean kids?
[Peter names off things he'll have to be responsible for when Meg gets arrested while Joe tries to encourage him to find a good one to finish on]
Joe: So long, bitchy 2AM blanket pulls.
Peter: Ahhh, there we go.
Meg: (bleeps) Dad.
Stewie: Look at this, Brian. Genderless baby announcement.
Brian: It's they.
Stewie: Good for they.

Brian: How did you know what he was doing?
Stewie: I read his book. "There is no greater motivation than the destruction of an enemy, and my enemy is Brian Griffin. One day, I will convince him to cut off his balls, and that will be my greatest accomplishment." You said his books changed your life, but you didn't even read them. This is why you're nothing.
[Peter and Lois try to calm down after a fight]
Lois: Peter, I don't want to have to ground you! You're my husband, and I just don't want you to lie to me!
Peter: I lie to you 'cause you treat me like a kid!
Lois: Act like a man, and I'll stop treating you like a kid.
Peter: Look like a kid, I'll start acting like a man.
Lois: What?
Stewie: Fart joke.

[a hot shirtless guy walks into the room]
Shape-Shifting Valet: Sir, you need to get ready for your lifetime achievement award ceremony.
Stewie: Thank you, shape-shifting valet.
Shape-Shifting Valet: Remember sir, I can be any shape you wish.
Stewie: Yeah, but you're already this so.
[Peter calls Meg into his baseball player office]
Peter: Hey, thanks for coming. Take a seat.
Meg: What's up?
Peter: [sigh] This is really the toughest part of the business, isn't it?
Meg: Oh my God. Are you trading me?
Peter: Looks, it's nothing personal. You've been very professional as a family member but ... here's the thing. We're sending you down to American Dad!.
Meg: No! What? No!
Peter: Well, they're not excited about it either. I guess I could call The Orville.
Meg: [sigh] I'll do American Dad!.

Chris: I can't believe my dad's a hero.
Peter: Oh, I'm no hero. I'm just a white guy doing what black people were already doing. In other words, a hero.
Priest: Now, the bride and groom would like to share a moment of silence to honor the family members who have passed. They may not be with us in person but they are with us in spirit.
[Everyone shares a moment of silence]
Stewie: Poo-poo!
Brian: No! We do not touch poo-poo in this family! We do not touch poo-poo! No! Hands up! That's it. Now there are no bubbles later.
Stewie: Yes! Bubbles!
Brian: No bubbles. You lost the bubbles.
Stewie: Yes! Bubbles!
Brian: Maybe you can earn them back but as far as I'm concerned, you lost the bubbles. They're gone. They're probably gone.

Brian: Wish me luck, Flat Stanley. (leaves in Stewie's time machine)
Flat Stanley: Or you could just call me "Stanley". Not make fun of my body.
Peter: Nothing like drive-time radio to remind me that I don't make enough to afford satellite radio.

Weenie: Hey! You're listening to WQHG 971 and we're Devin and Lawrence formerly known as Weenie and the Butt.
The Butt: That's Devin. Those nicknames no longer fly ever since several women came forth with allegations of sexual misconduct against each of us.
Brian: [trapped inside the kitchen] Is there food on the floor? I can clean it up!
Peter: No!
Brian: [observes the party from the kitchen] Joe dropped a cracker! Joe dropped a cracker!
[Meg calls her family and they don't believe it's her]
Peter: Okay, Meg. If this is you, what's your birthday?
Meg: March 23rd.
Peter: I have no idea if that's correct. Good day, sir.
[the Griffins, sans Brian, are on vacation during a hurricane]
Meg: Where's Brian?
Chris: Oh my God. When we evacuated, I think we forgot him.
Stewie: It's okay, Lois. I left him chained up in the gully in the backyard.
[cutaway to Brian nearly drowning in the backyard back at home]
Brian: Guys?...Guys?!
[Chris misreads the morning announcements and Principal Shepherd corrects him]
Chris: God.
Principal Shepherd: Good.
Chris: Movement.
Principal Shepherd: Morning.
Chris: Anglebird.
Principal Shepherd: Everyone.
Chris: The stagnant cancer muting.
Principal Shepherd: The student council meeting.

Brian: Stewie, how can you afford an entire opera in your room?
Stewie: Oh boy. Brian's upset because someone has something he hasn't. Do you know what I'm getting for your birthday? The ability to be happy for other people.
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