Family Guy/Season 20
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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, productions of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
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- Stewie: Oh, look. Kylie's mom is out of rehab.
- [Lois hits Doug with her car]
- Lois: Oh my God! It's a kid!
- Stewie: It's Doug! Nice hit, bitch! Oh, and Elsa underwear! This day just keeps getting better.
- Lois: Well, thank you all for coming. Can I get anyone something to drink?
- Doug's Dad: I'm fine but Doug's mother would probably like three martinis and then to have unprotected sex with her boss at work.
- Doug's Mom: And Doug's father would love a glass of warm tap water and to never make more than $30,000 a year for the rest of his life.
- Doug's Dad: As a form of settlement, maybe this weekend, you can put together a tree house I don't wanna deal with.
- Lois: If that's what I have to do to make things right, then Peter and my children will build your son's treehouse.
- Stewie: Alright, guess now the four men awkwardly sit here, while my mom gives your mom a tour of the house that doesn't deserve one.
- Lois: [offscreen] And this is a room adjacent to the room we were just in.
- Doug's Mom: [offscreen] Ooh. This is a fun house!
Must Love Dogs
- [Lois goes as Marge Simpson for Halloween]
- Lois: [in Marge Simpson's voice] Happy Halloween, kids.
- Peter: I have to go do a dangerous speedball and become the least surprising death in Hollywood history.
- Wild: It me! Borat! You know. From that picture, Borat. Ever seen it?
- Meg: Yeah, that movie come out like 15 years ago.
- Wild: Well, I've never heard of it but it was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen.
- Trick-or-treater: Kill yourself!
- Trick-or-treater Dressed as Elsa: Trick or treat!
- Quagmire: Wow! That's the first Frozen I've seen in 35 seconds!
- Chris: Dad, can I ask you something about girls?
- Peter: Are you wearing a wire?
- Chris: VHS? What do those letters stand for?
- Peter: That information has been lost to victory.
- Lois: Stewie, when I was over, visiting grandma and grandpa, humiliating myself to ask them to keep paying for your preschool, ...
- Stewie: I know you don't understand me but I understand you.
- Lois: [takes out a stuffed monkey toy]... I found Chi Chi! He's like your doll, Reuben.
- Stewie: [to Rupert] I know. I know. I know. You called Joanna "Joanne" the other day. It happens.
- Stewie: What's on your shoes?
- Doug: Oh, these are called laces. I doubt you've ever heard of them, Mr. Velcro.
- Stewie: I know about laces! I've just never seen black ones! Jeez, why are you always such a dick!?
- Doug: It takes one to know one.
- Stewie: Where did you learn that? That was great!
- [Peter imitates Quagmire's behavior]
- Peter: Giggity morning, everyone. Lois, can I see you in the other room for a second?
- Lois: Sure.
- Peter: Alright!
Cootie & The Blowhard
- Brian: [reading his birthday banner] Happy birthday, dog?
- Peter: Sorry, I spaced on your name at the party store. Have a good one, Brent.|
- [Joe and Kevin come to the party]
- Peter: I don't recall inviting Kevin but sure.
- Brian: [offscreen] His name, your remember.
- [Chris goes to a gun counter at Quahog Sports]
- Chris: Hi, I'm a 15 year old wild card and...
- Gun Salesman: WELL, LET'S GET YOU A GUN, ALREADY!
- Peter: Let me ask a salesperson for help like a complete beta.
The Birthday Bootlegger
- Peter: Okay, Brian. What do you got for me?
- Brian: Okay, birthday jokes. [reading one of his jokes] We may not be colleagues, but there's no one in your league.
- Peter: Boy, that's a brick of the backboard. Chris, what do you got?
- Chris: I drove the family to Disneyland for vacation and when we got off the highway, the sign said "Disneyland Left" so we drove back home.
- Peter: ...Chris, that's going in the show. See that, Brian? Don't be afraid to pull our heart strings.
- Miss Tammy: Children, please continue independent day, while I go see if I just sneezed by tampon out.
The Fat Man Always Rings Twice
- Red Wiener: Say, can we go to the next scene with one of cinematic sideways wipes they used to do in the '30s?
- Mac: Eh, I don't know. I did a sideways wipe this morning. I don't recommend it.
- [Lois announces it's time to go to the Quahog tree lightning ceremony]
- Meg: Sweet. Tree lightning. Geuss that means it's showtime.
- [takes out a bag of eggs]
- Peter: Wait...what is this?
- Meg: Oh, nothing. Just my own tradition of putting four dozen hard-boiled eggs in a Kroger bag and passing them out at the tree lightning.
- Peter: Okay, we get it, Meg. You're dark and different. [whispering to Lois] Wow, Meg really is dark and different.
- Meg: Yeah, they call me "Meg the Egg" cuz of my big bag of eggs. I hope you guys don't start calling me that but you can if you want to.
- Lois: Good morning, Peter. Hope you enjoyed sleeping in.
- Peter: Oh, there's no sleeping in, when you're an alcoholic, Lois. You just never go to sleep.
- Peter: I'm often self-centered, confuse my words, and shellfish.
- Lois: How dare you buy me something that suggests I need exercise!?
- Peter: This is a loud way to say thank you.
The Lois Quagmire
- Lois: I went to The Fancington's Academy for insufferable girls. Our mascot was a well-dressed woman who yells at valets.
- Lois: Do people bring husbands to these things?
- Brian: You're not thinking of going without them, are you?
- Lois: Honestly, Brian. These girls come from old money so they can be pretty stuffy and judgmental.
- Brian: Well, [kills a bird and eats it] ...I'm still available.
- Quagmire: I read everything people leave on planes. I read The Da Vinci Code four times.
- Chris: Your lobster today is Dinty Moore stew, from a can too dented to risk on people?
- Stewie: What does "Dinty" even mean? Is it an adjective or a guy or a contraction like "Boy, he really screwed up that meal, Dinty."?
- Peter: The year 2020 was a terrible year for the Corona Beer company so they had to sell off all their TV commercial hammocks.
- Chris: The neighbor's sprinkler ruined whatever this is.
- Peter: Not so fast, Chris. I don't give up that easy.
- Chris: Good for you, Dad. Go knock on the neighbor's door and have a mildly uncomfortable conversation.
- Peter: I give up.
- Peter: Guys, great news. My uncle just died so we can use his HBO Max password until they cancel his credit card!
- Peter: Let's start with Game of Thrones, which aired 8 seasons and was beloved by America for 6 and a half seasons.
Hard Boiled Meg
- Tom: For those of you who don't know what VR is, I will now attempt to explain it without the aide of a teleprompter. You put a computer on your face and it's like this whole world man, it's crazy. I dated a chick whose little brother had one. Just nuts.
- Meg: Gentlemen, the going great is $20 a game over here. Who's got a pair of stones big enough to challenge The Mighty Meg!?
- Lois: Oh, good. Kids, you're just in time for breakfast.
- Chris: No time, Mom. The girl I stalk has field hockey practice at 8:00! I love a red-cheeked barbarian.
- Lois: How 'bout you, Meg?
- Meg: Can't. I'm weirdly the girl he's stalking. God, help me. I love the attention.
- Lois: Well, it's just you and me, Stewie. What should we do today?
- Stewie: I don't know, maybe forget everything that just happened?
All About Alana
- Stewie: [narration] Meet Alana Fitzgerald. How she got here is quite the tale and I'm here to tell it to you. I'm here to tell you all about Alana. And who am I? I'm Stewie, the talking baby from Family Guy. Do you really not know that?
- Chris: I'm home from camp!
- Brian: Welcome, home!
- Stewie: Meg's been wearing your clothes.
- Brian: Slippery slides are a nightmare of unexpected bumps and mishaps.
- Stewie: Really? Cuz the multicultural kids on the box seem to be having fun.
- [The multicultural kids on the box start talking]
- Asian Kid: Hi!
- Hispanic Kid: Hola!
- Black Kid: I'm a real boy who was put here by a witch!