Family Guy/Season 19
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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, productions of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.
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Stewie's First Word
- Peter: Guys, I'm worried about the baby. He's hardly touched any of his birdseed. Are you sure we're shaking him enough?
- Quagmire: God, the Clam sucks on Saturday mornings. It's all just weird foreign sports fans like those Pakistani cricket hooligans.
- Paki #1: If you're not rooting for Lahore, please you may leave! I can tell you.
- Paki #2: Lahore cricket is the best and the others are not the best, dear friends!
- Joe: I'm for Karachi but I don't got a death wish about it.
- Quagmire: Hey, look. A pair of working legs. Dibs on these!
- Joe: What? Aw, come on, Quagmire!
- Quagmire: Joe, I said "dibs".
- Joe: No, no. You're right. You said "dibs".
- Cleveland: I can shake anything and find out what all's in there. [Cutaway to Cleveland shaking Donna] You got 11 purriods left.
- Stewie: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! Brian and Stewie receive a package Dear Brian, I had come to visit I'm sorry but your mother and your brother mayonnaise has gone into a 7 business trip they will guarantee back in California love Brian's father you're going to be a very good dogson sobbing this can't be the world of my life! I don't want you to go! I want you to stay with me! I'm going to miss you very much! there there Brian it will be good your family will not come back in any sniffling months.whaaaaAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! What is the crying here?! My family is gone for a month! Huh? Peter! Peter! come quick! I'm here what's the emergency? Brian and Stewie are crying about their family is gone for a month what? It's my dog family! Your dog family?! Yes it's true. Listen everyone all the times that you were adopted to new home Brian you are a puppy you were adopted with us and Stewie when you were left in the rain, we adopted you but now your father is moving here with us from California and you will be moving to California too I just mean it you just can't stay with us.whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!! Don't cry Brian! Everything is A-OK! We will forgive you! Stewie please stop! Listen you 2 listen to us if you don't stop all your crying and crying begging not to let your parents go, your going to make.......... should we break with them Dad? Yes we could. Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo........!! Mrs. Griffin and Meg set up dinner okay we got green beans we got garlic bread you got spaghetti meatball chili and we got mashed potatoes with green bean hurry up Peter Chris Brian Stewie you're missing dinner! Wait a second where are they? They are right there Mom! Running shoes start flipping and flopping through grass wait a second are you crying?! Brian blows his nose with a hanky yes we are! What's the matter with you?!? My dad just moved here and now my brother mayonnaise and my mother has just gone into Hawaii and now I'm stuck here alone and........ Brian? my son? Dad! Remember my first two words Son? Yes I do father! Okay everyone dinner time! Okay first we pray today we give you life God we love you so much that you watch over our town I'm thankful for Brian Brian's father Peter Chris,stewie and my daughter Meg thank you for this wonderful life you gave us amen OK now let's eat munching sounds gobbling sound yummy yummy yummy! Okay now it's time for Venom who discovered The Wolverine! Is that a movie Chris? Yes yes it is Venom is a Marvel movie is it kind of scary for Stewie? No I got the leftovers! The Griffin family watch the movie Venom when you come back and deserve your break, there's no way you can be devour me! Venom chuckling who can you scare like a monster like that? Well we'll see battle! Dad this is scary!! Stewie I'm trying to watch the movie!aahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Where's is stewie? He ran he was scared of the movie! I'm sorry! An argument begins.
The Talented Mr. Stewie
- Stewie: It's time I got back out there again. I've had one beer my whole life! That's not normal!
- Brian: Nothing about you is normal.
- Stewie: I mean, I've already wasted a whole year of my life with him!
- Brian: There's only been a year of your life.
- Stewie: You know, all of your responses have been very similar, so you might want to nip that in the bud.
Boys & Squirrels
- Peter: Some lady up the block is giving away all of her husband's stuff cuz he shot himself in the face.
- Meg: Oh my God!
- Stewie: I've seen that lady. He did the right thing.
- [Cleveland screams into a bullhorn]
- Cleveland: Donna, they had a bullhorn! I don't know why but they had a bullhorn!
- Donna: [offscreen] Cleveland! It's time for lunch!
- Cleveland: What do I want? Sammich! When do I want it? Now! I ain't eatin' any leftover soup!
- Lois: Bonnie just told me about the neatest thing. It's called a podcast. I guess it's like a radio show on your phone. Have you heard of these? Podcasts!
- Meg: Yeah, mom. We know what podcasts are.
- Lois: Huh. I guess these types of things take a while to reach the moms. I've have to let Bonnie know.
- [Lois faxes a message to Bonnie]
- Bonnie: [offcreen] Wow! Really!?
- Peter: Since Willem Dafoe has more bones in his face than most people have in their entire body, he's perfect for carving cuz the angles are so sharp.
- [Cleveland screams into a bullhorn]
- Cleveland: Hey, Donna. The tree's just regular.
- Donna: [offscreen] Go to work, Cleveland!
- Peter: Ah, the beach. So much to do. Unlimited possibilities. [notices a "No Alcohol" sign] There is nothing to do at the beach! Why did we come here?!
- [a young Peter and Lois make out under the boardwalk]
- Peter: When I go back to school, all me greaser friends are gonna say "Tell me more! Tell me more!" and I'm gonna say you were a slut.
La Famiglia Guy
- Peter: God, can't you believe that Trump hung himself in prison?
- Lois: You can't bring a cat to church!
- Peter: Why not? He's cat-olic!
- Principal Shepherd: Everyone, I wanna thank you all for helping us decorate for the fall dance.
- Meg: What's the name of this dance anyway?
- Principal Shepherd: [annoyed laugh] I've been doing this a long time, Meg. Literally the next thing out of my mouth. The theme is climate change. Dance like it's the end of the world. We're going to...
- Meg: But how do we even decorate for that?
- Principal Shepherd: [exasperated sigh] We're gonna pump the heat up to 92 and fill the gym up with 6 inches of water and then, you know, balloons, streamers, all that crap. So, thanks again and if anyone needs anything, just think. I'm hanging balloons. How could I possibly have a question?
- Meg: What do we even...
- Principal Shepherd: [extremely angry] MEG!!! [takes a deep breath] [calm] Thanks guys.
- Esther: So, I'm pretty sure Bobby and I are finally gonna do it after the dance.
- Meg: [gasp] You're gonna have sex!?
- Esther: I'm talking about our suicide pact.
- Meg: [laughs] Oh my God. I was like, who is this girl?
- Cleveland: I think maybe the show's over.
Wild Wild West
- Peter: Lois, you're making this harder than it needs to be. Just get a former Batman and move on. I'm sure Val Kilmer could use the insurance.
- Lois: Peter, we're not going to get a former Batman. That has been pitched every day since Adam West died and the response has been tepid at best.
- Wild West: If you're looking for something rugged, something durable, something with an endless supply of gas and a tailgate made for dumping, then you must be looking for Meg Griffin. Meg might not be much to look at but with two different shaped airbags, Meg is one ride you won't mind taking out to the middle of nowhere and giving it all. She's road ready and road hard. Meg Griffin. Kindly leave your go-by and Roman numerics at the sound of the chow bell. [the sound of a bell chimes]
- Brian: Hey everyone, I have some news. I got a job writing for Quahog's top website, The Hog. Starting tomorrow, I'm an online journalist.
- Peter: Isn't The Hog that stupid pop culture site with those lame quizzes telling you what character you are in a show?
- Lois: Peter's mad cuz he always gets Barney Rubble.
- Peter: If I was mad would I laugh like this? [laughs like Barney] I don't think so.
- Employer: You're really good at sexualizing children.
- Brian: Is... Is that a problem?
- Employer: No, that's a big part of online journalism.
The First No L
- Lois: Well, dragging a bin full of decorations down the stairs while repeatedly yelling fuck in front of my children means only one thing, it's Christmas time!
- Peter: Yeah, Lois, I knew it was Christmas a week ago when the O in the Pornhub logo became a wreath.
- Chris: Same.
- Peter: [while bumping fists with Chris] Nice.
- Lois: I'd like to finally get a present from the heart this year. Not just some defective clothing item Peter got on clearance at Marshall's.
- Peter: [holds up a Rolling Stones knockoff shirt] But you love The Rolin Stons.
- Stewie: If this place doesn't Baby Yoda toys, I swear to God... I'll probably buy... something with Spider-Man on it.
- R: You were M again, weren't you!?
- H: What? No I wasn't!
- R: Then why are you wearing a designer looking shirt at a fraction of the cost!?
- H: Maybe I wanted to get caught!
- R: I told you what I'd do if I ever get caught you cheating! This is on you!
- [commits suicide]
- H: Why!? WHYYYYY!?
- [Y comes out of the bathroom]
- Y: What's up? I was just taking a pee.
- [P enters]
- P: Someone call?
- Ernie: There's not left for me in this world. I lost my job. I lost my house. My wife left me for a bigger cock.
- Peter: [looks towards the audience] Cocks are chickens!
- Ernie: I'm better off dead.
- Peter: Oh, that's sad. I agree. I guess that means I win, huh?
Boy's Best Friend
- Holly: Hi, can I help you find something?
- Stewie: What's she gonna do? This place doesn't even have a backroom. All the inventory is just out on the floor in ceiling high library stacks.
- Brian: Yep, we got it, Stewie. You're better than this place.
- Stewie: Yeah, I know that. I'm better than every place.
- [Holly uses Brannock devices to measure Chris' feet]
- Holly: Looks like a 10 and a half.
- Chris: They're perfect! I'll take them!
- Holly: No, those aren't shoes.
- Chris: [in a robot voice] Do not speak in that tone to the iron giant! [robot walks off] Must destroy shoebox city!
- Peter: What's all this?
- Joe: Oh, hey guys. Sadly my Uncle Ray passed away last week but he left me his vintage sports car.
- Peter: Joe, that's amazing that your uncle died! But I'm really sorry to hear about the car.
- Joe: See, here are all the 1950s Coke signs from the 1980s. Guys guys look! There is an injured dog. Bryan walks he has to be okay! Oh my freaking gosh!! There is blood on him!!!!!!!!! He is wounded. What is wounded? It's a type of blood that comes out of your body oh like a getting a shot??? Yep let's put him outside dogs die out in the sun I have to find a way how to get rid of that dog I think I got the perfect idea! I will kill him! Wrapping a cast on his leg you can move! Cool dad! dad! Let's take some walks up his first steps posting a video on camera. he is walking! Oh Dad this is so cool! All of a sudden Brian jumps out of nowhere! Brian what the freak are you doing?! This dog is stupid! Brian rips scratches and jumps the dog in the air! And that is spitting out blood how you kill a dog Brian now look what you done!! You killed the dog! Now we have to bid him goodbye!! Walking outside I'm hosting a funeral everything changes to everyone gathering around Brian sets up a flower this is a moon flower sobbing thank you so much for coming guys the dog should thank you remember that a cat was trying to scratch me to my death? A cat leaps and scratches Brian by the nose at last, it stops thank you so much for coming everyone Brian will you give a few sad and tearful talks? Yes of course it just means that the dog was just injured from a fallen tree I don't just understand it I killed it for no reason that's because the dog was freaking stupid anyways sobbing we will miss him very much I hope it's time to bid him goodbye I will miss you little dog everyone goes around and bids him goodbye Peter tries to Comfort him come on Brian it's okay Brian it is not okay. Walking into the house that night, Brian and Stewie get into a talk thank you for letting me sleep in my dog house Brian I mean it isn't true I just don't care if I can kill that dog that was just he was so dumb that's why Peter has to get a funeral to him I should have never give you a new dog it likes you even me don't worry I'm sure we can get a new dog I hope so buddy I'm not going to get a dog until he is in my arms closing his eyes do you think that we can get another dog Stewie? Yes of course Brian the 2 go to bed.
And Then There's Fraud
- Lois: Chris, you've hardly touched your food.
- Chris: Mom, are you a scientist?
- Lois: No?
- Chris: Then quit putting me under a fucking microscope!
- Terminator Peter: This isn't Big Mouth.
- Cleveland: That's how my mom died.
- Cleveland: You're right, Joe. We are all armed. I have it in case people try to make America great again.
The Marrying Kind
- Lois: Woohoo! New Orleans! I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the twins! Ha ha! Did you hear what I said, Meg? I said I can't wait to get up on the balcony and bust out the...
- Meg: [unamused] Yeah, I heard you.
- [Stewie's hair poofs up]
- Stewie: Feels a little hoooooooomid.
Customer of the Week
- Lois: Alexa, what's in the news this morning?
- Alexa: Here is your morning briefing: In Washington D.C., Congress has passed a measure to...
- Lois: Alexa, skip to celebrity birthdays.
- Alexa: Mario Lopez is 47 years old today.
- Lois: No way! Someone should tell his face!
- Lois: See you later, Alexa. You're my best friend.
- Alexa: ...And you're... You're awesome, Lois.
Who's Brian Now?
- Manager: I can assure you, we have a wonderful team of lesbians wearing all black for you to choose from.
- Peter: [upset] No! I want Jerry!
- Lois: Come on, Peter, it's just a haircut. Come on, get up. You're embarrassing me.
- Peter: [lying on the floor] I'm not gonna. I hate you.
- Lois: [annoyed] Come on, Peter. You're acting worse than the time Chris auditioned for Stanley Kubrick.
- Lois: Peter, you have to get a haircut.
- Peter: Lois, Jerry's dead. So I think I'm just gonna be a long-haired old guy from here on out.
- Meg: I'm, like, not mad at his hair. Sorry, but, like, I would.
- Brian: You would what? And with who?
- Meg: Anything. With anybody. I don't give a horse's tomato.
Young Parent Trap
- Doug: Hey, Poopy Thumb!
- Stewie: It was golden spicy brown mustard from my sandwich! How many times do I have to say it!?
- Doug: [chuckles] Okay, no need to relitigate what four of our peers saw.
Meg Goes to College
- Peter: New shirt, Cleveland?
- Cleveland: Donna saw an unflattering picture of me on Facebook and only lets me wear black now.
- Peter: Hey, can somebody change the channel? I'll watch anything except these stupid home renovations shows.
- Quagmire: What's wrong with them?
- Peter: Besides their lack of Kermits? Lots of things.
Tales of Former Sports Glory
- Cleveland: Fidel Castro was there to throw out the first pitch. He was wearing the same outfit as always. Later, we would find out he had a fashion disease known as chronic fatigue system. We would write more jokes about him but our dum-dum writers only know what he looks like.
- Cleveland: In Cuba, we hated America so much we copied everything they did and died trying to get there.
- Cleveland: We tried to play but it was difficult because hyurricane season was February through January. Every time, a hyurricane would sleep through, decimating the island, causing hundreds of dollars worth of damage.