Family Guy/Season 5

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Stewie Loves Lois[edit]

[First lines]
Tom: We interrupt this program with a special report. Quahog is seeing its worst flu epidemic in years, due in part to a severe shortage of flu shots.
Diane: Let's go live to Asian flu correspondant Tricia Takanawa. Tricia?
[Cut to a sick Tricia in a bathroom]
Tricia: Diane, I... [throws up in the toilet]
Diane: Thank you, Tricia. We now return you to Robin, Boy Wonder.
[Cut to a car on a cliff with four females screaming inside]
Robin: Hey, don't worry. I'm here.
Passenger 1: Robin? They sent you?!
Robin: Yeah. Everyone else was busy, so they sent me.
Passenger 2: What the hell are you gonna do? You don't have any superpowers.
Robin: Uh, I got a cellphone. [looks at his phone] Oh! No bars.

Mother Tucker[edit]

Ollie: Lady's old!

[at dinner]
Peter: I want some ice cream.
Tom: No, Peter. You finish your food.
[Peter takes his chair to the fridge, much to Tom's dismay]
Tom: You-- Hey. You get back here right now, mister.
[Peter stands on the chair and reaches for the freezer]
Tom: No. Don't you-- Get down from that chair, or you're in big trouble.
[Peter opens the freezer and extracts a carton of ice cream]
Tom: You put that ice cream back right now. I mean it.
[Peter closes the freezer, comes back down with the ice cream, and takes his seat]
Tom: I'm not kidding around. I'm not gonna say it again.
[Peter removes the lid from the carton and is about to eat one scoop]
Tom: If you put that ice cream in your mouth, you're gonna be in big trouble, young man.
[Peter slowly takes a bite of the ice cream, then Tom zips toward him and slaps him on the behind repeatedly; Peter wails in agony]
Peter: I hate you! I hate you! I want my mommy!
Tom: [drags him out of the kitchen] Well, I'm the best you've got!

Hell Comes to Quahog[edit]

Horace: Hey, Peter, Lois called to remind you to pick up Meg at the roller rink.
Joe: No!
Quagmire: Oh, we're just getting started!
Cleveland: Meg is my least favorite of all your children!
Peter: It's alright. We'll just move the party to the skating rink. Who's sober enough to drive? [nobody answers] Uh, okay, who's drunk, but that special kind of drunk where you're a better driver because you know you're drunk? You know, the kind of drunk where you probably shouldn't drive, but you do anyway because, I mean, come on, you got to get your car home. Right? I mean, I mean, what do they expect me to do, take a bus? Is that what they want? For me to take a bus? Well, screw that! You take a bus.
Cleveland: I'm that kind of drunk.
Peter: [throws Cleveland the car keys] Shotgun!

Lois: So, how was work today, Meg?
[Peter raspberries]
Lois: Oh. Peter, you lost your job because of the Super Store. You shouldn't blame Meg.
[Peter raspberries again]
Lois: And you can stop making that fart sound every time someone says Meg.
[Peter raspberries yet again]
Brian: So, how was your day exploiting the town's resources, Meg?
[Peter raspberries again]
Chris: [laughs] Meg.
[Peter raspberries again]
Chris: MEG!
[Peter raspberries even louder]
Chris: Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg! Meg!
[Peter raspberries 7 times]
Chris: [quietly] Meg.
[Peter raspberries quietly]
Meg: I'm not gonna sit here and take this! I'm the only one in this family who has a job!
[Peter whispers into Brian's ear]
Brian: Yeah, like she'd get paid for that.
Meg: What did he just say to you?
Brian: Nothing. There was-- It's like if you-- Forget it. It's nothing, Meg.
[Peter raspberries again]

Saving Private Brian[edit]

[about Brian leaving the army]
Stewie: You can't leave, man, that's desertion. They'll come after you like Peter went after that hockey coach. [pause, but there's no cutaway] Oh, no clip? Oh, thought we had a clip. Nope? Okay. Uh-uh, you can't leave, Brian...

Brian: All right, it shouldn't be too hard to get us kicked out.
Stewie: Right. We've just got to convince them we're not army material. Ready?
Brian: All right, let's do it. [they start making out]
Stewie: Wow, look at how gay we are! I am so gay, with my gayness!
Brian: Me too! I'm... I'm a homo!
[Another soldier walks up to them as they continue making out]
Gay soldier: [effeminately] Any room for one more?
Stewie: Hell yeah! [Brian slaps him]

Whistle While Your Wife Works[edit]

[Peter lights a bunch of firecrackers and holds it in one hand, showing it to Quagmire]
Peter: Quagmire, check it out! I took ten M-80s and stuck 'em all together. I call it "Peter Griffin's Bunker-Bustin'-Mega-Ultra-Super..." [the firecrackers explode all at once in his hand, knocking him down to the ground; screams; holds up his fingerless hand to everyone] HOLY CRAP!!! [he, the rest of the Griffins, and Quagmire all scream in shock]
Joe: [enters] What happened!? [sees Peter's hand; shocked] OH, MY GOD!!!
Stewie: You know, no huge hurry, but I'm sorta outta juice over here. [taps his empty cup] Bone dry.
Chris: [finds one of the missing fingers on one of the wheel's of Joe's wheelchair] There's one of Dad's fingers!
Meg: We have to hurry! I learned in biology, if you get 'em back soon enough, they can be reattached!
Cleveland: [enters, with another of Peter's fingers in his hair] What's all the commotion?

Stewie: Now, why in the world would you be embarrassed about dating her?
Jillian: Oh, my God, Brian! I was watching something on TV about this guy named Hitler. Somebody should stop him!
Stewie: [to Brian] Are her parents brother and sister?
Brian: Can you please leave now?!
Stewie: Oh. Now I get it. She's a moron! But a moron with large breasts, you can use as mountains for your Matchbox cars or whatever it is grown-ups do with large breasts.
Brian: Shut up! That's not it at all.

Prick Up Your Ears[edit]

Peter: [reading Meg's sex pamphlet] "If you have sex, your penis will fall off and land in another dimension populated entirely by dogs who will eat it". Well, that's something I'd like to avoid. Well, this changes everything! From now on, I too will be "obstinent".
Meg: Abstinent.
Peter: Absent.
Meg: Abstinent.
Peter: You're grounded.*

*On the DVD and Adult Swim version, Peter says that "...he'll be as untouched as the turn signal on an Asian woman's car," followed by a cutaway of an Asian woman causing a car accident.

[after sex]
Peter: Oh, that was fantastic. Hey, where'd you get that tattoo on your lower back?
Lois: I don't know, Peter. Meth is a hell of a drug.
Peter: What?

Chick Cancer[edit]

Peter: Oh, Smilla, your sense of snow is equalled only by your sense of love!
Lois: Peter, have you been up all night watching chick movies?
Peter: Lois, before I found these movies, women only made me cry through my penis. Now they make me cry through my eyes.

Brian: So what happened?
Stewie: Well, you wanna know what I learned this week? Being a grown-up sucks. Women, Brian- what a royal pain in the ass. It's like, it's like, why can't you just hang out with guys, you know? Just live with someone of your own sex, just do what you would do with women, but with your buddy, you know wha- why don't guys just do that?
Brian: They do, it's called being gay.
Stewie: Oh, that's what gay is? Oh yeah, I could totally get into that.

Barely Legal[edit]

Connie: You know, Meg, there's no dogs allowed here, so you're gonna have to leave, but Brian can stay.
[She and another couple laugh]
Brian: [drunk] You know, Connie, I think I have a theory about why you're such a bitch.
Connie: Excuse me?
Meg: Brian, let's just go.
Brian: No, no, no, no, no. Hang on. Hang on, Meg. Hang on. You see, Connie, you're popular because you developed early and started putting out when you were 12. But now you can't stand to look at yourself in the mirror, because all you see is a whore. So you pick on Meg to avoid the inevitable realization that once your body's used up by age 19, you're gonna be a worn-out, chalky-skinned burlap sack that even your stepdad won't want. How's that? Am I in the ballpark?
[Connie leaves in disappointment]

Meg: Morning, cutie!
Brian: Hey.
Meg: I had so much fun last night, Brian. Hey, I thought maybe we could go get some coffee later.
Brian: I-- I don't think so.
Meg: Oh, come on! Who's a good boy? Who's a good boy? Huh? Who's a good boy?
Brian: Me.
Meg: (speaks baby talk) Oh, yes, yes, yes! Who's a good boy?!
Brian: I am. I'm a good boy. But, no, no, no. Look. Look. I got stuff to do today. All right? Sorry.
Meg: Well, we should hook up, anyway. I'll bug ya later. (leaves)

Road to Rupert[edit]

Peter: How much for the gloves?
Brian: Peter, those are yours.
Peter: 10 bucks! $2! $7! $4! $5.50! $10! Sold! [slyly] Sucker. I would have gone to fifteen easy. I am so stupid.

Brian: (While running away with Stewie) How are we gonna get out of here?
Stewie: You still got the starting gun?
Brian: Yeah?
Stewie: Give it to me.
(Brian hands Stewie the gun) (Cut to a single green car at a stop light in Aspen)
Stewie: (To the driver of the car, while holding up the gun) Get out of the fucking car! Get out of the fucking car right now man! (breaks car window with the gun) Get out of the fucking car! Do it, do it, do it! I'll fucking kill you! Get the fuck out of the fucking car!
(While Stewie is screaming at the driver, Brian effortlessly removes the driver from the car, puts Stewie in the passenger seat, climbs into the driver seat and speeds away)
(Cut to a highway road back to Rhode Island; the car Brian and Stewie just stole is now seen driving back to Quahog)
Brian: Did we just car-jack someone?
Stewie: We sure did Brian, we sure did.

Peter's Two Dads[edit]

Francis: [last words on his deathbed; to Peter] You're a fat stinkin' drunk!

Lois: So, Meg, your birthday's coming up, huh? You excited about turning...
Peter: Uh, Meg, I got 16 candles for your birthday cake. How does that sound?
Meg: That's not right.
Peter: So, less, more, too many, not enough?
Meg: You stupid son of a bitch! You don't even know how old I am!
Lois: Meg, that kind of language is not appropriate for a girl your age, or is it?
Meg: I'm gonna be 17, you jerks! [leaves]

The Tan Aquatic with Steve Zissou[edit]

Peter: [to Kyle] You got LEGOs? Aw, sweet! Lois only buys me Mega Bloks.
Lois: They're the same thing, Peter.
Peter: You know what, Lois? They're not the same thing. And the sooner you get that through your thick skull, the sooner we can get this marriage back on track.

[Brian teaches Stewie ballroom dancing. Stewie is wearing a dress, lipstick, and earrings]
Stewie: [whispers] I love you.
Brian: What? What'd you say?
Stewie: Uh, olive juice.
Brian: Olive juice?
Stewie: [whispers] Olive juice, you too.

Airport '07[edit]

[Peter has the couch out on the front lawn. Meg walks by]
Peter: Hey, Meg, come here. Have a seat. [she sits down next to him. Peter then does a fake yawn, stretches his arms out, and puts one around Meg]
Meg: Dad, what are you doing?
Peter: Meg, I'm a redneck. Which means I am about to do something to you that you will not remember until you're 40.
[Meg runs away, shrieking]
Peter: Meg, come back here! I meant sex!

Announcer: We now return to Carl Sagan's Cosmos, edited for Rednecks.
Sagan: I'm Carl Sagan. Just how old is our planet? Scientists believe it's 4-- [voiceover] hundreds and hundreds of years old. [normally] Scientists have determined that the universe was created by a-- [voiceover] GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! [normally] -big bang. If you look at the bones of a [voiceover] Jesus [normally]-osaurus rex, it's clear by the use of carbon dating that- [voiceover] Mountain Dew is the best soda ever made.

Bill and Peter's Bogus Journey[edit]

[Peter walks in on Lois in bed with Clinton]
Peter: Hey, Bill, you up for a little bowling? I swiped some money out of Lois' purse. I don't think she'll notice, 'cause she's here, humping you?!
Lois: [gasps] Peter! [starts putting on and buttoning her shirt] Look, I know this looks bad, and I feel horrible, and-and I know nothing I could say to you could possibly justify why I slept with Bill, except... [voice gets increasingly more lustful] I mean, Peter, the man presided over the longest economic expansion in U.S. History and... [inhales] he reduced the percentage of Americans on welfare to its lowest level in 33 years!
Clinton: 35 years.
Lois: 35 years, Peter!

[Brian and Stewie are at the toilet]
Brian: How do you think it works?
Stewie: I have no idea.
Brian: Look, Lois told me I had to start using the toilet and you're the one who's had potty training, so I'm counting on you to help me.
Stewie: All right, we're two intelligent guys. We can figure this out.
Brian: What's that big back part?
Stewie: Maybe that's where the wizard lives who operates this thing. It would be wise not to anger him.
Brian: I wonder what this thing is for.
Stewie: Brian, be careful with that. We don't know what it does.
Brian: [sighs] All right, here goes.
Stewie: Oh, God. Oh, God. Careful. Careful. Careful. Careful.
[the toilet flushes, frightening Stewie and Brian, who run out of the room]

No Meals on Wheels[edit]

Announcer: We now return to America's Next Top Model.
[in said show, a model stands before Tyra Banks]
Model: I just don't think you're being fair, Tyra. You don't know what it's like to grow up the way I grew up.
Banks: You know what? How dare you?! You don't know me. You have no idea where I come from, where I've been, how long I've been there, what I had to do to get from where I was to where I am now!
[a giant iguana pops out of her mouth, swallows the model, and swiftly crawls away]

[Peter zaps Brian with a single touch]
Brian: OW! Damn it, Peter! Stop it! I gotta tell you, you're pissin' me off worse than when I watched the O.J. verdict with my old roommate.
[flashback to Brian's old apartment with Brian and his roommate]
Foreperson: We, the jury, find the defendant, Orenthal James Simpson, not guilty.
Roommate: Yes!
Brian: What the hell?!
Brian and his roommate: What?!
[they point their guns at each other]
Brian: Maybe we should get new roommates.
Roommate: Yeah, maybe we should.

Boys Do Cry[edit]

Lois: Oh, it is so good to be home. You know, I wanted us to live in a place with real family values, but values don't come from where you live or who your friends are. They come from inside, from your own beliefs.
Peter: I agree, Lois. Like, for instance, if you're watching a TV show and you decide to take your values from that... you're an idiot. Maybe you should take responsibility for what values your kids are getting. Maybe you shouldn't be letting your kids watch certain shows in the first place if you have such a big problem with them, instead of blaming the shows themselves. [long pause] Yeah.

[the horse barges in and stops the execution of Peter]
Peter: Horsey! You saved my life!
Horsey: [in Gilbert Gottfried's voice] No problem, Peter! Glad to help out.
Peter: Wow! Gilbert Gottfried!
Horsey: That's right!
Peter: Awesome!

No Chris Left Behind[edit]

Lois: Peter, a little culture is good for this family. Besides, you liked The Nutcracker, didn't you?
Peter: No, Lois, I did not. The Nutcracker had zero physical comedy. And-and with a name like The Nutcracker, I thought, "Oh, this will be worth a few yuks." But no, Lois. That title wrote a check that the queers on stage refused to cash.

Lois: They cut a school's funding if it's got low test scores? This is not what the Founding Fathers had in mind.
[cut to the signing of the Declaration of Independence]
Founding Father: Okay, we're here to sign this declaration of our independence. Let's take role call first. Thomas Jefferson?
Jefferson: Here!
Father: Benjamin Franklin?
Franklin: Here!
Father: John Footpenis?
Hancock: It's "Hancock" now!
Father: Why?
Hancock: Mind your business, that's why!

It Takes a Village Idiot, and I Married One[edit]

[Chris is going door-to-door to try and get votes for Lois. He approaches one door, rings the bell, and the person inside answers. The camera stays on Chris as he talks]
Chris: Hi. I'm going door-to-door to campaign on behalf of Lois Griffin, who's offering real change for the city of Quahog. May we count on your vote next Tuesday? [the camera pans to the person at the door, who turns out to be Lois]
Lois: Chris, this is our house.
Chris: Ah. Then what is for dinner?
Lois: Pork chops.
Chris: Excellent.
Lois: Chris, have you been to any other houses?
Chris: I have not.
Lois: Would you like to come in?
Chris: Please.

Lois: Hey, you guys.
Chris: Mom, everyone on TV says you're running the town great. Maybe you could do some damn laundry once in a while.
Lois: What?
Chris: What?

Meet the Quagmires[edit]

Quagmire: [to Lois] Come here, baby, let's go play "Hide and Go Anal"!

[In the alternate universe]
Lois: Meg, stop staring at Mr. Griffin! I'm sorry, Peter. I'm afraid she's got her father's libido.
Quagmire: What can I say? I'm a Vagittarius! Oh!
[Chris, Meg and Stewie laugh; then they say "giggity" seven times in unison]
Ringwald: Hey, did you guys hear on the news about President Gore hunting down and killing Osama bin Laden with his bare hands?
[Brian looks up in shock]
Lois: I know! Who would have thought bin Laden was hiding out in the cast of MADtv?
Quagmire: Man, the perfect hiding spot - the one place no one would look.

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