Family Guy/Season 8

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.

Road to the Multiverse[edit]

[Brian and Stewie beam into a universe animated by Disney]
Brian: What the hell? What's happened to us?
Stewie: I don't know, but suddenly I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy. It seems we're in a universe where everything is drawn by Disney.
Brian: Look! There's our house!
[Brian and Stewie run towards it]
Stewie: [laughing] Look how gaily we run!

[Brian and Stewie beam into the Robot Chicken universe]
Brian: Whoa, this is trippy.
Stewie: I should say so. We're in the Robot Chicken universe.
[Camera rotates around the two and shows Peter and Chris sitting on the couch]
R.C. Peter: Will you guys move? You're blocking the TV.
[Duke, Optimus Prime, Lion-O, and He-man enter the room]
R.C. Chris: Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers, Thundercats, He-Man! Yay! Those shows existed!
Stewie: How's it feel to be on a major network for 30 seconds?
R.C. Chris: Screw you!
Stewie: Bye!
[Brian and Stewie beam out of the universe]

Family Goy[edit]

Brian: That's the problem with this world: Too many people go overboard with what they believe, like Quagmire when he thought he was the one getting the spin-off.
[cut to: Quagmire walking down Spooner Street]
Quagmire: See you later, bitches! Have fun with your stupid goddamn Giant Chicken jokes and your Conway Twitty... Hey, why is there a moving truck outside Cleveland's house?

Spies Reminiscent of Us[edit]

Clerk: Have you made a reservation, Peter?
Peter: Uh... yeah! I did it before her!
Clerk: Who did you talk to?
Peter: Uhhh...Dave...Al-Jeff...illium...Tonio?
Clerk: Dave Aljeffilliumtonio hasn't worked here for four years!

Peter: Listen, I gotta tell you guys, I've watched all your movies, like, a thousand times.
Chevy Chase: You saw Cops and Robbersons?
Dan Aykroyd': And My Stepmother Is An Alien|My Stepmother Is An Alien|My Stepmother Is An Alien?
Peter: Almost all of them.

Brian's Got a Brand New Bag[edit]

Peter: [kicks the Drive Thru window] Keep the change. [zoom on Peter] Road House.

Rita: [after breaking up with Brian] You can leave my apartment key on the davenport.
Brian: [about to set them on the dresser] Here?
Rita: No. The davenport- the chesterfield.
Brian: [about to set them on the cushioned bench] On this?
Rita: No. Does that look like a divan to you?
Brian: [about to set them on the windowsill] Here?
Rita: [sighs] Leave them on the chifferobe.
Brian: [crossly] You know what? Just take your fucking keys because I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. [slams door]

Hannah Banana[edit]

Monkey: Now, I know this looks bad, me living in your son's closet and all, but it's a very complex situation. You see, basically, I got home from work one day, and found my wife cheating on me with another monkey.
Lois: Oh, that's terrible.
Monkey: I fell into a deep depression after the divorce which ended up costing me my job. All my money was gone, which means I lost the house. So I moved into Chris' closet just until I got back on my feet again. Wound up living in there for 9 years.
Peter: Oh, my God! You've missed so much! Like when America was attacked by mentally challenged suicide bombers.
[cut to the bottom of a skyscraper; a suicide bomber on a bicycle rides toward the building]
Bomber: Allahu Akbar!
[he suddenly crashes]

[the monkey has moved into Jake Tucker's closet at the end of the episode and does to Jake exactly what he did to Chris before he left]
Jake: Dad, there's an evil monkey in my closet!
Tom: [from outside the room] I don't care, son. I just do not care.

Quagmire's Baby[edit]

Peter: Now hang on, Quagmire, there's no guarantee that it's your baby.
Baby: Giggity?
Quagmire: Oooh, I say that...

Bitch Brian: Peter, I sharpened a pencil in my bum and now I need a band-aid.

Jerome is the New Black[edit]

[Brian and Quagmire are at a restaurant and it isn't going well]
Brian: I'm trying to establish a friendship with you. All I've done is try to be nice to you, and you still don't like me. How can you not like me?
Quagmire: Okay, I'll tell you. You are the worst person I know. You constantly hit on your best friend's wife. The man pays for your food and rescued you from certain death, and this is how you repay him? And to add insult to injury, you defecate all over his yard. And you're such a sponge. You pay for nothing. You always say [mocks Brian] "Oh, I'll get you later", but later never comes. And what really bothers me, is you pretend that you're this deep guy that loves women for their souls, when all you do is date bimbos. Yeah, I date women for their bodies, but at least I'm honest about it. I don't buy them a copy of Catcher in the Rye and then lecture them with some seventh grade interpretation about how Holden Caulfield was some profound intellectual. He wasn't! He was a spoiled brat! And that's why you like him so much, He's you. God, you're pretentious! And you delude yourself into thinking you're some great writer, even though you're terrible. You know, I should've known Cheryl Tiegs didn't write me that note. She would've known there's no "a" in the word "definite". And what I think I hate most about you is your textbook liberal agenda. How we should [mocks again] "legalize pot, man", how big business is crushing the underclass, how homelessness is the biggest tragedy in America. Well what have you done to help? I work down at the soup kitchen, Brian. Never seen you down there. You wanna help? Grab a ladle! And by the way, driving a Prius doesn't make you Jesus Christ. Oh, wait. You don't believe in Jesus Christ, or any religion for that matter because [mocks again] "religion is for idiots". Well, who the hell are you to talk down to anyone?! You failed college twice, which isn't nearly as bad as your failure as a father. How's that son of yours you never see? But you know what? I could forgive all of that, all of it, if you weren't such a bore. That's the worst of it, Brian. You're just a big, sad, alcoholic bore! [sighs, puts his napkin on the table, and sets to leave] I'll see ya, Brian. Thanks for the fucking steak.

[After Peter apologizes to Jerome]
Jerome: We cool, Peter. We cool. [They shake hands] But listen. There is something I gotta fess up to. While I was living with y'all, I had a lot of nasty-ass sex with Meg.
Peter: I don't care about that.

Dog Gone[edit]

[Peter's mishaps cause a car to crash into Cleveland's empty house; the empty tub crashes to the ground]
Peter: Oh, that's right. Cleveland moved.

[Brian announces he's starting The Quahog Aminal Equal Rights League]
Lois: Oh, that's a great idea, Brian. Maybe you could join PETA.
Peter: Join me for what?
Lois: No, PETA, the organization.
Peter: What organization?
Lois: PETA.
Peter: What?!
Lois: PETA is an acronym, Peter.
Peter: No, I'm not. I'm Catholic!
Stewie: Are we doing this?
Lois: No, Peter, I'm just saying if this meeting goes well, Brian could be part of a PETA rally.
Peter: Someone is having a rally for me now?
Lois: No, for PETA.
Peter: That's me! I'm Peter!
Lois: I'm not talking about you, Peter! I'm talking about PETA.
Peter: Someone better have something to say to me pretty damn soon or I'm gonna have something to say to them. I am very busy!
Chris: I think Betty White is in PETA.
Peter: That doesn't even make any sense!

Business Guy[edit]

Peter: Here are some of the new products we'll be unveiling. [flips page] The African-American heart monitor.
[cut to a scene at a hospital]
Monitor: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... [monitor stops] Aw, he dead.

Peter: Carter, I am gonna throw you the best bachelor party ever!
Carter: Why would you do that?
Peter: 'Cause I'm your pal and I want to help. Like Cheeseburger Helper.
[cut to Peter in the kitchen and Hamburger Helper walks in]
Hamburger Helper: Hey there, Peter. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family?
Peter: Sure!
Hamburger Helper: Okay, then let's...
[the camera zooms out revealing Cheeseburger Helper]
Cheeseburger Helper: Hold on there, Peter! I've got something even better!
Peter: Oh, really?
Cheeseburger Helper: You bet. How would you like to take a half a pound of hamburger and make a delicious meal for the whole family...with cheese?
Peter: What? Wha...I-I don't...I-I could just take cheese and put it on the thing he's doing.
Cheeseburger Helper: [shouting angrily] No! It won't be the same!
Hamburger Helper: [to Peter] Look, he's my brother. He didn't get enough oxygen at birth. He's never gonna be quite in step with the rest of us, and this is sort of my way of taking care of him.
Peter: Well, that's nice of you, but it was so much simpler when it was just you and me doing our thing.
Hamburger Helper: I know, but just let him have this one. Odds are he won't even come back with the actual food.
Peter: Okay, Cheeseburger Helper, you're on.
Cheeseburger Helper: [skipping merrily away] Yay! Cheese, cheese, cheese! Yay!
Peter: [to Hamburger Helper] I'm so sorry for your burden. You're a good brother.

Big Man on Hippocampus[edit]

[Peter has amnesia]
Chris: Hi, Dad. I'm Chris. I'm your son.
Peter: Never seen you before in my life.
Chris: Really? Then I must be invisible! [takes off his clothes and runs outside] Hey, everybody! I'm invisible!
Herbert: Oh, no, you're not! Hot diggity!

Peter: Morning, nice people who I still don't know your names and who mean nothing to me.
Lois: Well, I certainly hope that doesn't apply to me, especially after last night.
Peter: You got a point there, hot stuff. [smacks her rear end] And if sex with the rest you is half as good as it was with her, then I think we're all gonna get along just fine.
Chris: Yay!
Lois: Well, no, no, Peter. You can't have sex with the kids.
Meg: Well, I wish you'd told him that before he lost his memory. [everyone else gasps] It was a joke! I was just making a joke!
Stewie: That's your sense of humor?!
Meg: I was just kidding! God!
Lois: Meg, that's awful!
Chris: Geez, open your mouth for a joke once and that's what you come up with?
Brian: That's messed up, Meg.
Meg: I was just trying to be funny.
Lois: That wasn't funny, that was just dark.
Stewie: Yeah, that's your father!
Chris: [shoves Meg out of the kitchen] Oh, get out, Meg! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, get out! Out, out, out! Get out of the kitchen! Go on, and get out of here!
Peter: Heh, heh, heh.

Dial Meg for Murder[edit]

Joe: You're under arrest for harboring an escaped convict.
Meg: Oh, well, that's only fair, because, after all, I did hide him from the... [reacts] WHAAAA?!!

Woman: [about the rodeo] This is a disgusting display.
Brian: Boy, you can say that again. Nothing like a bunch of adult men teasing animals for fun. It's amazing that this is still legal. The only reason I'm here 'cause my idiot friend is in the rodeo.
Woman: I only came 'cause I'm writing a magazine article. One of the competitors is a 13-year-old female riding prodigy. Apparently she got on the bull to miscarry, and found out she had a talent for it.

Extra Large Medium[edit]

Diane: Our top story: The search for two local boys lost in the woods drags on into its third day.
Tom: That's right, Diane. Still no sign of Chris and Stewie Griffin. Here's the update from the local authorities who are overseeing the search party's efforts.
[cut to the park ranger at the forest]
Park Ranger: We're still very optimistic that we're gonna find these kids, and we just want to urge everyone not to give up hope.
[Joe and three other cops in the background]
Joe: All right, everyone, we are officially looking for corpses. Repeat, this is now a recovery effort. We are officially looking for corpses, so let's get back out there, bring back those dead bodies.

Ellen: Are you going to be this rude all evening? You haven't asked me anything about myself.
Chris: Oh, um, sorry, um... So what do your parents do?
Ellen: That's better. Well, my dad's an accountant and my mom is the former Governor of Alaska.

Go Stewie Go[edit]

[On the Jolly Farm set]
Randall: Quiet on the set! I'm trying to rehearse!
Julie: (to Stewie) It's okay. Randall's just getting into character.
Stewie: Is he playing a dick?

Lois: Meg, honey, I think we need to talk.
Meg: I don't wanna talk to you. Get out!
Lois: Look, I understand that you're upset.
Meg: You made out with my boyfriend. How could you do that?
Lois: I don't know, sweetheart. But I am so, so sorry. It was an awful thing I did. I never meant to steal him from you.
Meg: Is that what you think? You stole him from me? Are you kidding? You couldn't steal him from me.
Lois: Well, I do know a few things, Meg. And clearly, if I wanted him, I could have him.
Meg: You really think you stand a chance? Look at you. You're old. You're nothing. You couldn't even imagine the things I do for him. And this isn't about making out. This is about power tools. Yeah, I go to places you couldn't get back from. I'll do anything. You don't know me. [She rips a tooth out]
Lois: Oh, my God!
Meg: He hangs me from the shower rod with your old bras and then we laugh at you. Now get out of my room!
Lois: Well, when you're ready to talk...


Quagmire: If you have sex with her, you give her all the power, and if you don't have sex with her, you're gay.

Quagmire: [to Angela] Thanks for having me in your home, and I would have had sex with you but Peter neglected to tell me you were a dumpster fire.

Brian Griffin's House of Payne[edit]

Stewie: Wow, Brian, you must feel like Hitler after he wrote Mein Kampf.
[cut to Hitler with a publisher]
Publisher: Well, we read it and we don't like it...
Hitler: [dejected] Oh.
Publisher: We love it!
[They both laugh]
Hitler: You got me! I could have killed you, Mr. Weinberg!

[The executives want to cast James Woods in Brian's pilot]
Brian: James Woods is insane. And on top of that, he's, like, 60. The character of Byron is 25 years old
Female Executive: I know, I know. But what if he wasn't?
Brian: What? But he is.
Female Executive: ...n't.
Brian: My God, this is a nightmare. I thought you said you weren't gonna mess with my show.
Todd: It's a small change, Brian. You won't even notice it.
James: You guys aren't gonna fucking believe this. Call a tow truck. I just banged into some homo's Prius.

April in Quahog[edit]

Peter: So you gonna introduce me to your little friends?
Stewie: That’s Trap-Jaw, that’s Optimus Prime, that’s Destro, and that’s a Care Bear.
Peter: You having a tea party?
Stewie: No, we’re working out a land deal. Trap-Jaw is trying to get a variance to build an unpermitted structure within 10 feet of Optimus Prime’s property line. Destro’s the city councilman who’s telling Trap-Jaw that he has to file it as an accessory structure and even then it can only be built at the rear of the lot. And the Care Bear is just a Care Bear.

[the day after Peter, while on Crystal meth, jumps through Stewie's ceiling]
Stewie: When you jumped through my ceiling, you let an owl in. I know they're supposed to be wise, but all it did was shriek and throw-up half-digested mice.

Brian & Stewie[edit]

Brian: You've had energy bars this whole time? You idiot!
Stewie: Not energy bars. Jenny Craig Anytime Bars. And you bitched yourself out a bite.
Brian: All right, I'm sorry, all right? Can I have one, please?
Stewie: All right.
Brian: Can you give me a caramel one?
Stewie: No. You can have, um, um, you can have, um - You can have strawberry yogurt.
Brian: I don't like strawberry yogurt.
Stewie: Picky for someone who eats the same food out of a bowl on the floor every night.
Brian: Okay, I get it.
Stewie: A bowl that starts in the kitchen and ends up in the living room.
Brian: Shut up.
Stewie: Forgets four seconds later that he ate it.
Brian: Shut up!
Stewie: Ooh, harsh tone. You just got bumped down to coconut mint.

Stewie: Wanting to kill yourself... Well, I think that's pretty selfish of you.
Brian: How is that selfish?
Stewie: What would I do if you weren't here? Hmm? You're the only one who makes my life bearable.
Brian: I thought you said I was the best of a bad situation.
Stewie: I was just trying to hurt you because you hurt me. But the truth is you're my only friend, Brian. lf I didn't have you, I'd be lost.
Brian: Ah, you'd be okay.
Stewie: No, I wouldn't. I don't really care for anybody else. Just you. You're the only one I like.
Brian: Well, thanks.
Stewie: [uncomfortable] I like you a lot. I guess you could say I really like you. I would even dare to go a little further, perhaps. I care a great deal about you. A very great deal. Maybe even deeper than that. [mumbling] I... I love you. I mean, you know, not in like a, "Hey, let's have an underpants party," or whatever grown-ups do when they're in love. I mean, I love you as one loves another person whom one simply cannot do without.
Brian: Well, I I love you too, Stewie.
Stewie: You give my life purpose. And maybe that's enough. Because that's just about the greatest gift one friend can give another.
Brian: Thank you.
Stewie: Hey.
Brian: What?
Stewie: Will you read to me?
Brian: Sure.

Quagmire's Dad[edit]

[after Brian realizes that the woman he had sex with was Quagmire's father, he throws up for a long time, then screams]
Stewie: What?! What the hell?! What's wrong with you?!
Stewie: What?!
Stewie: [screams] Why?!
Brian: I didn't know! I didn't know it was her!
Stewie: OH, MY GOD!
[both scream]
Stewie: He didn't move! He's just visiting!!

[Brian shudders after his "accident" in the shower and tensely scrubs his fur coat with a sponge. He turns off the shower and puts a towel around his waist. He steps out and then looks at the mirror. Then he hears a bang]
Quagmire: [offscreen] Where is he?! Where is that self-centered, arrogant son of a bitch?! [Brian quickly runs to the master bedroom. He gets under the bed until...] Get out of there, you dirty little bastard, you're dead! [drags him out then punches and kicks Brian repeatedly through the house] If I ever see you anywhere near my house, I'll blow your head off! Now lay there and die, you piece of crap! [Quagmire exits]
[after beating Brian up, Quagmire exits the house, closes the door, and starts to walk away, but Brian, now bloodied and bruised, but still able to move, lividly opens the door]
Brian: Hey! [Quagmire turns around] I fucked your dad!
[he slams the door]

The Splendid Source[edit]

[two men in a car shoot Peter's back window]
Quagmire: What the hell was that about, who were those guys!?
Joe: I don't know but I'll tell you this, I saw one of them back at the bar in Stoolbend.
Peter: You think they were following us?
Joe: Either that or they got a grudge against our back windshield.
Quagmire: Aw, Joe, that's so dumb.

Peter: Hey, you know, Cleveland, you better hide the markers from your kids. Somebody colored in your Jesus.
Rallo: Somebody colored in your ass with too much ass, fat ass.

Something, Something, Something, Dark Side[edit]

Leia (Lois): Why you stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking... nerfherder!
[Han (Peter) punches her in the face]
Han: You can't use that word! Only we can use that word!

[The Milennium Falcon has just flown into an asteroid field]
Leia: We're gonna get pulverized out here!
Han: Look, we've got four or five of the main characters on this ship, I think we'll be fine!

[The Milennium Falcon has just flown out of the worm (Meg) in the asteroid]
Worm: How come I never get any lines in these things?
[Han (Peter) flies the ship back to the worm]
Han: Shut up, Meg.

[as Han is about to be frozen in carbonite]
Leia: I love you.
Han: Fuck off.

Darth Vader (Stewie): C'mon Luke, join the dark side. It's really cool.
Luke (Chris):: Well, who's in it?
Vader (Stewie): Uh, there's me, the Emperor, this guy Scott. You'll meet him, he's awesome. Oh, and James Caan.
Caan: I'll be your friend if you let me kick your ass.

[Slave 1 flees Cloud City and blasts away with Han.]
Leia (Lois): Oh no! We've lost Han! They've taken him to Jabba's palace!
C-3P0 (Quagmire): Well, even though we know exactly where he is, we should rescue him in three years.

Lando (Mort): Don't worry. We'll find Jabba the Hutt and that bounty hunter and we'll get Han back.
Chewbacca (Brian): Why are you wearing Han's clothes? [to the home audience] Seriously, watch the actual movie. Lando is wearing Han's clothes in this scene. It's really weird.

Vader (Stewie): Join me and we can rule the galaxy as father and son! Y'know? I mean it doesn't have to be as father and son, it can be just as, a-y'know- as two really close guys who just happen to be men y'know, just, two good-lookin' guys sharin' a cramped office runnin' the galaxy together — y'know just, gettin' the job done y'know — maybe we, maybe we do it occasionally, but it's not weird, y'know, cause we're just, two guys with ragin' goals, y'know? I mean it's not even about the doin' it part — but thats a part of it — but it's not- it's not the whole thing.

[after Darth Vader has cut off Luke's right hand, Leia is about rescue him]
Leia (Lois): [through the ships loud-speakers] Luke, if that's you, wave your right hand! [beat] I said wave your right hand! [beat] Your right hand!
Luke (Chris): [off-screen] It's me, you fuckers!

Partial Terms of Endearment[edit]

Lois: Peter, this is Naomi.
Peter: Wait? You mean you too used to, you know, bump Japanese cartoon monkey logo mouths?
Lois: Well, let's just say Naomi and I experimented quite a bit in college.
Peter: No way! My wife messed around with another chick! Thank you, God!
[cut to God sitting on cloud looking down]
God: Don't mention it, Peter.
Chorus: [sing] God! He knows what turns you on!
God: [to the home audience] Have fun!

[at the end of the episode]
Lois: Well, I think we made the right decision. I mean, sure. Havin' a baby costs a fortune. There's cutbacks on things we love. There's diapers and cryin' and late nights with no sleep. Flu shots and mumps and driver's ed and college tuition. But you know what? It's one more person to share the world with. Another little voice in the back seat of the car. One more Griffin to love and to love us in return.
[after a few seconds of silence, Peter turns to the camera]
Peter: [to the home audience] We had the abortion.

External links[edit]

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Family Guy and all related characters, episodes and quotes are a copyright of 20th Century FOX. The users, editors, administrators, nor founders of the Wikimedia Foundation DO NOT claim ownership nor authorship of the contents on this page. The contents of this page are meant for reference purposes only. Neither Wikiquote nor its parent company, The Wikimedia Foundation, have any affiliation with 20th Century FOX, or its parent company, News Corp, in any way, shape, or form.