Family Guy/Season 12

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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Finders Keepers[edit]

Peter: [to Lois] I want you on my team for everything... except for sports.

[Stewie farts on Peter while he's sitting at the table reading a newspaper with an electric fan going. The fart travels back to Stewie]
Stewie: Ah! Friendly fire!

[a group stands graveside]
Quagmire: We're supposed to dig this kid up. Any volunteers?
Herbert: [in mining gear] I dig kids.

[Chris jets skis to Block Island with Meg]
Chris: Why are your nipples poking into me?!
Meg: Sorry! That happens when I'm cold.
Chris: But why are there 3 of them?!
Meg: There aren't! Two of them are moles.
Chris: Those numbers still don't add up!

Lois: Oh, look who's back; the grave robber.
Peter: Hey, Lois.
Lois: So, what happened? You find your treasure?
Peter: No, I realised something after you left; It's not the treasure that matters. All that really matters is the money you get in exchange for the treasure. I guess I had to learn that the hard way.

Vestigial Peter[edit]

Chip: Her voice! It's like God sneezing!

[after Chip has sex with Angela]
Peter: [glumly] Welp, now we know. I can taste what he eats.

Teacher at a PTA meeting: So, in short; your kids are all doing great. Keep reading to them every night and I think we're going to have a great year. So, unless there's any questions, thank you all for coming.
Cheetah: Eh, yeah... I noticed the hot lunch menu doesn't feature any gazelle.
[all the parents sigh]
Teacher: I'll bring that up to the board.
Cheetah: Yeah, see... I-I heard that last year and [laughing] he-h-here we are again.

[Peter is at the bar talking to his friends about Chip]

Quagmire: Remind me again. Chip is that African kid you adopted?
Peter: No that's Chocolate Chip. We gave him back to Kenya.

Quagmire's Quagmire[edit]

[Sonja smiles darkly as she locks a battered Quagmire in the trunk of his car]
Sonja: Giggity.
Quagmire: That's my word.

[Peter and Joe pound on the door of a storage unit while searching for Quagmire]
Joe: Quagmire, you in there?!
[muffled sounds from Quagmire are heard]
Peter: Oh, he's eating. [shouts at the door] We'll come back when you're done eating!

Ida: Okay, you guys. Where should we start looking for Glen?
Peter: Well, sometimes Quagmire likes to hang out under all the clutter in my garage, so why don't we just start sorting stuff and throwing stuff away, but obviously checking with me first before you throw stuff away.

A Fistful of Meg[edit]

Meg: He's going to kill me! I can already picture my funeral!
[cutaway to a graveside service, where Peter runs in and throws Meg's dead corpse under another casket]
Peter: Thanks, didn't want to pay for the hole.

[Meg looks to Chris for support against Michael Pulaski]
Meg: Chris, you have my back, right?
Chris: I don't know. [lifts up his shirt and sees his back covered with bacne] Yeah.

Mailman: [after Brian opens the door] Brian Griffin?
Brian: Uh, yeah, that's me.
Mailman: [gives package to Brian] Here you go.
[Brian takes off the tape and opens the package]
Brian: [sees something terrible in the package, it's revealed to be Peter's own penis he cut off] Aah! Oh God!
Peter: [laughs] What's in the box, Brian? I got you good! [Blood is coming out and comes to Peter's pants] I don't feel right. I want it back. [Collapses]

Lois: What's going on in here? [seeing that Brian has shaved off all his fur] Oh my god, is that a fucking rat? Peter, hold it down, I'm getting a gun!

Brian: You gonna put your clothes on?
Peter: Yes, yes, I swear.
Brian: You gonna keep 'em on?
Peter: Yes, I promise. I'll never bother you again with my body. Please, just make this stop!
Brian: Good.

Boopa-dee Bappa-dee[edit]

Man: You renounced your citizenship?
Peter: Oh, I did that on the Italian "Shut-up-a-You-Facebook."

[the morning after sex in Italy]
Lois: Last night was the best sex I ever had.
Peter: Me too. We haven't done it like that since we were engaged, but allowed to sleep with other people.
Lois: What are you talking about?

[Peter barges it to tell the kids about staying in Italy]
Peter: Kids, I've got an announcement...
Stewie: [sitting near the hem of Peter's robe on the floor] He's wearing a rubber.
Peter: We're staying in Italy. We're Italian now.
Brian: What?!
Meg: Are you kidding?
Stewie: Well, if we're going to be Italian, I guess we should start murdering our brothers.
[slips behind Chris with a garrote and proceeds to strangle him]
Chris: What are you... [starts to choke and struggle]
Stewie: [in an Italian-accented whisper] You break-a my heart, Chris. You break-a my heart.

Life of Brian[edit]

Stewie: [sees a car heading towards Brian] Brian, look out! [the car runs over Brian, breaking the hockey stick, and the toy net] Aah, Brian! [runs to him]
Lois: [runs out of the house with Peter, Chris, and Meg] Oh my God! [runs to Brian] Brian! Brian, can you hear me?
Peter: Holy crap! What the hell happened?!
Squirrel: [runs to Brian, kicks his face, spits] That guy sucked! [runs away]

[Peter is sitting next to a beheaded chicken carrying its head]
Peter: Aren't you supposed to be running around?
Chicken: Don't talk to me. You have a bad reputation in the chicken community.

Stewie: Dammit, Brian, you can't die! We were gonna do so many things together! We were gonna become windsurfers! I was gonna be a little better than you, but we were both gonna be good!
[Brian groans]
Lois: You guys, I think- I think Brian's trying to say something.
Brian: [last words] You've.... You've given me a wonderful life.... I love you all... [smiles gently before quietly passing away]
Doctor: [checks his heartbeat, but no reponse] I'm sorry.... He's gone.
Chris: [voice breaking] Oh my God.... He's....
Lois: [voice breaking] Yes, Chris... I'm afraid... I'm afraid that our Brian is dead.

Into Harmony's Way[edit]

Quagmire: [meditating] I can be Giggity. I can be Goo.

Stewie: Meg, could you zip up your fly? That's kind of wafting over here.

Chris: So did you get a lot of trim on the road?
Peter: [nodding] Chris, that's wildly inappropriate.

Quagmire: What was Simon without Garfunkel?
Peter: Wildly successful?

Christmas Guy[edit]

Lois: It's Stewie's first Christmas!
Stewie: Again?

Vinny: Whose leg do you gotta gagoosh to get an Amaretto around here?

Vinny: Georgette, I'm coming home.
Stewie: Who the hell is Georgette?

Stewie: Hey, who are you talking to out here?
Brian: A pretty awesome guy.

Brian: Wow, Stewie, thank you for saving my life! Y'know, a whole lot of other families would've just gotten another dog and moved on.
Stewie: Oh, oh, w... we could, we could never do something like that, Brian!

Brian: Thanks for everything, Stewie. You're my best friend, and I love you.
Stewie: All I can say, Brian, is you've been making really creepy eye contact with me all morning, and I want it to stop right now.

Peter Problems[edit]

[on Lois being hired at the grocery store]
Stewie: You know you've made it when you've got a teenage boss.

Peter: My hog cannot partake in the slop this evening.

Lois: Oh, Peter, you're up.
Stewie: That's not what I heard.

[Peter is reluctant to see Dr. Hartman about his impotency, stating he is embarrassed]
Lois: This shouldn't embarrass you, the size should embarrass you.

Grimm Job[edit]

Peter: Jack and the Beanstalk. And that title could be a fairy tale or a porn. Let's find out.

Rumpleforeskin/Quagmire: Where'd that thing come from? It's blocking my view of Little Miss Muffet's truffet.

[after the woodsman kills the wolf with a chainsaw]
Little Red Riding Hood/Stewie: You know, I'm not sure if that's our hero, or just a lunatic going house-to-house murdering people.

Brian's a Bad Father[edit]

Quagmire: [to Peter] You can't even walk and chew gum at the same time!
[cutaway to Lois walking on the sidewalk]
Lois: Come on!
[pull out to reveal Peter chewing gum while lying down on his face]
Peter: I'm doin' somethin'. [chews] One thing at a time!
[cutaway back to bar]
Peter: Well fine! I don't need your friendship anyway.

Peter: Now this is a gun without a safety.
[Peter's gun shots Quagmire, who screams in pain]
Peter: Quite the difference, huh?
Joe: Oh my god, Peter, that must be the dumbest thing you're ever done.

Mom's the Word[edit]

[during a meeting at the Pawtucket Brewery]
Angela: So as you can see, our output is up 1 1/2%. That's not net, I'm talking gross.
Peter: [under his breath] You do everything gross.

3 Acts of God[edit]

Quagmire: C'mon, guys! It's game time!
Peter: Alright! This is the greatest Sunday tradition ever...except for getting all my cutaway gags ready for the week. [cutaway] Okay, my great uncle wears a ski hat all the time Griffin will be followed by Nick Nolte's handkerchief, followed by Japanese Abe Lincoln, and then Monkey Rabbi. Hey, where's the Monkey Rabbi? Here's your torah, you'll be here on Tuesday at 9:00. Check in with Shirley.
Darth Vader: You gonna need me this week?
Peter: Uh, maybe. Maybe Friday. Uh, now where are the gays?
Gay Man: Over here.
Peter: No, no, no. The really cartoony gays.
Cartoony Gay Guy: Yoooo-hoooooo!!!
Peter: There you are, we're gonna need you guys all week.

Cleveland: Hey, Death. What are you doing here?
Death: Actually, I' for your show.
Cleveland: Ah, come on, man. I'm on vacation.

Peter: And you still won't give us an Emmy?! Come on!! If Modern Family did that joke, you'd be carryin' 'em around on your shoulders!!

Fresh Heir[edit]

Chris: Hey, Dad, are you busy? I was thinking we could spend some time together.
Peter: Okay, are you a television set of the Internet?
Chris: No.
Peter: Oh, then no.

[Peter checks up on his hairless twin brother]
Peter's Twin: Close the door! The moonlight burns!
Peter: It's almost Christmas. It's almost Christmas.
Peter's Twin: Christmas?
Peter: Yes. Keep being good, and all the eggshells and coffee grounds will be yours.
Peter's Twin: Can I meet the family?
Peter: You've overstepped! No Christmas!

Carter: [about his broken leg] The worst part about it is I can't have sex! God, I wish there was a way I could just do it myself, y'know, just to be done and napping within four minutes.
Chris: Let me show you something...
[time lapse. Carter looks relaxed]
Carter: That... was... amazing! And Linda Carter wasn't actually here?
Chris: No, that was just in your mind!
Carter: Incredible! So you can do that, like what, once a year or something?
Chris: No, you can do it basically whenever you're not doing something else.
Carter: Cool! Hey, next time I wanna try it with my hand.

Secondhand Spoke[edit]

[Stewie criticizes Brian's texting and driving]
Stewie: That was a stroller, not a speedbump.

Chris: What if I said "Hey there, shorty!"?
Stewie: I'd say "Have another donut, you albino gorilla."

Herpe the Love Sore[edit]

Tough guy: Smells like this guy's already wet himself.
Peter: Don't flatter yourself, that was from this morning.

[Peter receives a package that is actually addressed to Quagmire]
Peter: Huh, it says "Glenn Quagmire". But if you squint and imagine it says "Peter Griffin", it says "Peter Griffin".
Lois: Peter, it's Quagmire's. Take it next door.
Peter: Now, now, hold on, Lois. Now, this poses a very difficult ethical dilemma. Do I deliver the package to its rightful owner? Or do I open it up and see if it contains He-Mans?
Lois: Do not open that box!

[in a cutaway, Dorothy, the Scarecrow, and the Tin Man are walking along the yellow brick road, but stop when they see the Cowardly Lion standing in front of them]
Cowardly Lion: Hey. I'm the Rational Lion. So fuck you guys.

The Most Interesting Man in the World[edit]

[Bonnie obliterates a target of a figure in a wheelchair at the shooting range]
Joe: I think next time you should bring someone else.

[Stewie arrives just after Peter takes the wrong kid at the park]
Stewie: Hey, what happened to my new friend...that kid who sort of looks like me from behind?

[the family greets Peter after he has refined himself]
Chris: How were all your business trips?
Peter: Oh, exemplary, Chris.
Chris: I don't understand what either of those words mean.
Stewie: One of them was "Chris."

Peter: Shall we away for "relations."
Lois: I'm not sure what you're saying, but let's hump!

Lois: What's wrong with you, Peter?
Peter: Lois, I'm sorry.
Lois: How the hell can you possibly mistake another baby for Stewie?
Peter: Now, calm down, Lois. You're gonna say something you don't mean.
Lois: Oh, no, I'm not! You're an idiot!
Peter: You don't mean that.
Stewie: [Stewie looks Facebook on the phone] I already got a Facebook friend request from the dad. Is that weird?
Lois: Peter, I have put up with your nonsense for 20 years, but today you crossed the line. You let the helpless baby in the public park. And that's only an idiot would do!
[Lois walks away]
Peter: I'm not an idiot!

Baby Got Black[edit]

Peter: Awesome!

[Chris receives a steamy goodbye kiss from Pam at a restaurant in front of the lobster tank]
Lobster: Hey, Chris...these [clacks its claws] on her nipples. Ha, ha, ha.
Chris: [to a passing waiter] Kill that one.

Meg Stinks![edit]

Skunk: [to Brian] Oh, you don't like smell, huh? Well, sniff on this!

Brian: Holy crap! I'm so much faster on all fours!

[Lois and Peter discuss Anal Roberts University]
Peter: That is a tough, tough place to get into. That is tough. But once you're in there, you'll be surprised how much you like it.

[after Stewie has been jailed for teaching his penis at Mardi Gras]
Stewie: The rules of this city are very unclear.

[Peter reveals he would have rather have been a podiatrist but gave it up to become a family man]
Meg: You never got to pursue your dream. No wonder you hate me.
Peter: I don't hate ya, Meg. You're my kid.

He's Bla-ack![edit]

Cleveland: Wassup?! [The Cleveland Show theme music plays as Cleveland approaches the guys]
Peter: [normally] Oh, hey, Cleveland!
Joe: Hi!
Quagmire: Wait, don't you have a show to do...[chuckles] Oh wait, that's right!
Cleveland: Alright, I knew this was comin', everybody gimme your best shot.
Quagmire: Oh, my G... Where do I even begin? Y'know, it's not a good sign that this is the first time a lot of people are realizing you had a show!
Joe: Your logo was stupid. Looked like a big purple penis and your ratings blew.
Cleveland: We did about the same as Bob's Burgers.
Quagmire: That's your bar?! Oh, shame on you!
Cleveland: This is good. This is constructive.
Quagmire: The talking bear was so bad, Seth MacFarlane quit voicing him after Season 2.
Cleveland: It's hard to make a talkin' bear funny.
Quagmire: [laughs] It worked out okay in movie form.
Joe: What was supposed to be the show's audience? Who did you make it for? Like, some black guy who never met another black guy?
Cleveland: Anything else?
Peter: Yeah, here's four seasons worth of DVDs of what we've been up to. Y'know, just so you're back up to speed. And I'll warn ya ahead of time, these have jokes in 'em.
Cleveland: I...I don't have a DVD player.

Stewie: Hey, Lois, look, I'm smoking! You can't control dick! I'm a roof baby now!

Chap Stewie[edit]

[Stewie sees an alternate view of the theme song from before he was born and comments on Lois]
Stewie: She is camel-toeing the hell out of that leotard.

[Peter is shown using all the outlets for toasters]
Peter: Toast house!

[Stewie is on the stairs watching Peter and Lois arguing downstairs]
Peter: Lois, what the hell did you do? I just got a note from Goodwill thanking me for donating all my porn.
Lois: WHAT?! I'm sick and tired of you blaming me for things I didn't do! And I've got a bone to pick with you! I don't appreciate how you spray-painted "vile woman" on the bedroom wall.
Peter: That wasn't me! Must've been one of the kids!
Lois: That's ridiculous, Peter! Chris can't write, and we don't allow Meg upstairs!
[in a cutaway, Meg is stuck in the basement, and she scratches the door]
Peter: Well, you know something, I'm starting to think whoever wrote that is right!
Lois: Well, maybe I don't want to live with someone who doesn't respect me!
Peter: Well then, maybe I should just leave!
Lois: And where are you gonna go?! You got nothing else and nobody else!!
Stewie: And now for the closer.

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