Family Guy/Season 13

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Family Guy is an animated television series created by Seth MacFarlane for FOX in 1999. The show was cancelled in 2002, but after extremely positive response to DVDs and reruns on Adult Swim, production of new episodes for FOX resumed in 2005.

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The Simpsons Guy (The Simpsons Crossover)[edit]

Brian: I guess we're in a town called Springfield.
Stewie: Springfield, eh? What state?
Brian: I can't imagine we're allowed to say.

Lois: Oh, this Springfield place looks nice. We should visit here again.
Brian: I dunno, Lois. This seems like a one-shot deal.

Peter: Don't drink the water. Everyone around here looks like they have hepatitis.

Lois: Thank you so much for putting us up until we find our car.
Marge: And thank you for not being a band of hippie murderers.

Peter: [to Apu] Hello, funny-sounding Cleveland!

Homer: Apu, a dozen donuts for our albino visitors.

Peter: Mmm. Yummy. Donut.
Homer: That's pretty good, but try it like this. Mmm...donut...
Peter: Mmm... donut...
Homer: I think you and I are gonna get along juuuuuuust okay.

Bart: Eat my shorts!
Stewie: "Eat my shorts." I love that! Is that a popular expression like "What the deuce"?
Brian: Probably more popular.

Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speakin'.
Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Ki-Bum, first name Lee.
Moe: Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Ki-Bum? C'mon, look at the stools. Uh, is there a Lee Ki-Bum?

Stewie: Hello, Moe? Your sister's bein' raped!

Bob Belcher: Yeah, we did it!
Homer: What's he doing here?
Peter: Oh, we gotta carry him 'cause he can't fly on his own. We let that other guy try and look what happened.
Cleveland: No, no, no, no, no, NO!!!

[after Homer drinks some Pawtucket Patriot Ale]
Peter: That's pretty good, right?
Homer: No.
Peter: Huh?
Homer: It's not good. This beer tastes exactly like Duff. It's just a lousy ripoff!
Peter: Hey, whoa whoa whoa! It's not a ripoff of Duff! It may have been inspired by Duff, but I...I like to think it goes in a different direction.
Homer: No, this is just the same as Duff, but, like, worse!
Peter: Hey, come on, now, this is my favorite beer you're talking about! Hell, I work for the company. It's my livelihood!
Moe: [takes the beer] Oh, yeah? Well, your livelihood is based on fraud. Look at this. [Rips off the Pawtucket Patriot Ale label, revealing the Duff Beer label underneath] Huh?!
Homer: [gasps] IT IS DUFF!!! Your beer is in big trouble! You can't just slap a new label on something and call it your own!
Peter: Well, maybe Duff should be in trouble for, you know, not being that great.
Homer: [gasps] Duff is an ICON!!!
Peter: Yeah, but some folks prefer Pawtucket Pat. I mean, don't get me wrong. I used to love Duff when I was younger, but I, I haven't even had it in like 13 years.
[Blue Haired Lawyer appears]
Blue Haired Lawyer: Be that as it may, I represent the Duff Brewery. And you sir, as a representative of Pawtucket Patriot Ale, are being sued for intellectual theft and patent infringement.
Homer: Ah ha!! Intellectual infringement. What do you have to say about that Griffin!?!
Peter: D'oh!!!

Judge: I've heard all I need to hear to make a decision. [The camera switches to the judge, who is revealed to be Fred Flintstone]
Fred Flintstone: If you ask me, neither of these beers is wholly original. They're both pale imitations of my favorite beer, Bud Rock.
Peter: Oh-ho-ho!
Homer: Ooh!
Fred Flintstone: But rendering a verdict is something I'm paid to YABBA DABBA DOOOOO!!!!!
Homer and Peter: Eh.
Fred Flintstone: And I find in favor of Duff!!!
Lois: Oh, no!!!!
Meg: Oh, no!!!
Peter: Oh, no!!!
[Peter and Lois look towards a nearby wall, expecting the Kool-Aid guy to crash through the wall and say "Oh, Yeah!". Suddenly, Peter's cellphone starts ringing.]
Peter: [Answers his cellphone] Hello.
[Scene shifts to the Kool-Aid guy, who has crashed through the wall of a courthouse in a different Springfield]
Kool-Aid Guy: Uh, hey. I'm... I'm in the wrong Springfield.

Homer: Hey, knock it off! There's a kid back there!
Ralph: Heh-heh, I'm in danger.

Krusty: Remember, kids. TV violence is fine as long as you don't show a nipple.

Kodos: Perfect, the Earthlings are destroying themselves.

Peter: It appears that I am now the only one with radioactive powers, which will allow me to unleash my fury... [the radioactivity wears off] Oh, I talked too long.

[Homer attempts to choke Peter]
Peter: What the hell? That really hurts!
Homer: No it doesn't! I do it to my son all the time!
Peter: You strangle your own son? That's insane! No wonder he's fat and stupid and masturbates all the time!
Homer: That's your son! (Chris Griffin)

Peter: [Homer throws multiple Emmys at Peter, who dodges them] Hey, that's no fair! I don't got none of them!

[the spaceship jumps over Springfield Gorge]
Peter: We're gonna make it!
Homer: Trust me, we're not.

[Homer is trying to kill Peter]
Homer: Say "hi" to Maude Flanders! [The spaceship almost falling down to Homer]
Peter: No, you say "hi" to Muriel Goldman!
Homer: Who?
[Peter's running, and finally the spaceship was falling down to Homer]

Comic Book Guy: Worst chicken fight ever.

The Book of Joe[edit]

Brian: Could you close the gate? A couple o' calves got loose. Pow!

Parent: You're awful!
Peter: Applause is customary.

Baking Bad[edit]

[following a tricycle-Big Wheel accident]
Boy: We should probably exchange numbers.
Stewie: Okay, I'm a 10, you're a 4.

Tom Tucker: Coming up: Local newsman shows a camera operator how to center a shot.

Mosquito: Hi, I'm the new nurse.
Lois: Get outta here. The blood's not for you.
Mosquito: Aww. Oh, look, an empty tire with some water in it. All right, I'm happy again.

Brian the Closer[edit]

[Brian is reluctantly showing Bonnie a house]
Brian: Bonnie, I still don't get why you want to see this house. The foundation is totally out of whack. I mean, the whole house is slanting down to that cliff over there.
Bonnie: Uh-huh. Can you open the sliding door? [Brian complies as Bonnie releases a wheelchair with a large bag of potatoes acting as weight. The wheelchair rolls easily through the door and smashes on the rocks below the cliff] I'll take it.

Lois: Now remember, Brian's very self-conscious about how he looks, so let's try to be supportive. Brian. Dinner.

Turkey Guys[edit]

Lois: Peter, we have people coming over and they're expecting a turkey!
Peter: If they're expecting a turkey, I'll just put on Evan Almighty! Zap!

Lois: Chris, are Brian and your father back yet?
Chris: No, and why are you saying the dog's name before Dad's?
Stewie: It's weird. Y...yeah, you're right, that is weird.

[Lois and Joe watch Kevin and his little person girlfriend have sex outside]
Lois: Oh, my God, it looks like he's chalking up a pool cue!

[Peter and Brian are listening to "Meet Virginia" by Train on the radio in Brian's car]
Peter: Brian, I love Train.
Brian: I fucking love Train.

[Peter has saved the Thanksgiving turkey from the bottom of a lake, while Brian has just got out of the water by himself]
Brian: Peter, what the hell? You chose a turkey over me? I almost died!
Peter: I swear to God, I thought dogs could breathe underwater.

The 2000-Year-Old Virgin[edit]

Joe: Hey, do you think if I let Jesus sleep with Bonnie, he'd give me back the use of my legs?
Peter: Joe, I don't speak for Jesus, I just get him trim.

Jesus: Lois, it seems like you learned the lesson I intended.
Peter: What lesson?
Jesus: Oh, you know, uh... That... this holiest of days is about... uh... appreciating our loved ones and, uh... resisting temptation.
Lois: Oh, so it was a test. Like when your Father told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac.
Jesus: Yes, that! That’s exactly right. Uh, well... I can see my work here is done...
Peter: Well taught, Jesus. Well taught.
Jesus: Yeah, I guess, who cares, I’m not even real. Merry Christmas.

Stewie, Chris, & Brian's Excellent Adventure[edit]

Rupert: Hey, everybody, just so you know, I'm straight!

1st German Soldier: Heil Hooters!
Otto: Careful, it might be a "booby-trap".

[observing the Titanic sinking firsthand]
Chris: This would make a great movie.

Our Idiot Brian[edit]

Brian: I mean I was having fun, making new friends, getting laid all the time, sleeping like a rock, but you made the call. You unilaterally decided I was better off a bitter alcoholic failure who could only hang out with a baby.
Stewie: Hey! We have fun.

Ruth: Your mom's so fucking hot!

Brian: [repeated line, after Stewie has tried to make him cultured after visiting the opera, going to yoga and to a fancy restaurant] This isn't the Kenny Chesney concert!

This Little Piggy[edit]

[Cassandra leads Brian and Stewie back to her tent for a three-way]
Stewie: Alright, let's lay some ground rules here. You take her left side, I'll take her right.
Brian: What? Uh, how about top and bottom or front and back?
Stewie: How about I take head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes?
Brian: Okay, you can have those.
Stewie: You just gave away the store mister.

Dr. Finklestein: [discovers cash in the dead man's billfold] It's a five! A five!

Meg: All right. See you later.
Lois: Where are you off to?
Meg: Actually, I met a photographer at Stewie's school yesterday, and he wants me to model for him.
[Peter pulls his ears to rip them off, and they come out when he does, causing blood to come out]
Peter: [showing his ears he ripped off to Lois] Lois, please send these back to the factory. I believe they're defective.
Lois: Oh my God, Peter, did you just rip your own ears off?
Peter: It was the easiest way to let her know the news was ridiculous. [Collapses]

Quagmire's Mom[edit]

Stewie: [whispering to Brian] Dairy Queen closes in ten minutes.

Judge: I have no choice but to sentence you to 20 years in prison!
[Judge bangs his gavel, everyone gasps]
Female Voice: Oh no you don't!
[everyone looks to the courtroom to discover an elderly woman at the door]
Quagmire: Mom?
All the men in the courtroom: Crystal?

Peter: [singing through microphone after waiting really long about throwing up in the sink] Out here in the fields… You know, that was me. I was the one who threw up in the sink.

Encyclopedia Griffin[edit]

Lois: Peter, are you just trying to take a knee until the end of the show? Peter, that's not gonna work, you can't just...

Chris: It's made of Skittles! You want to eat the baby together on the way home?
Lois: Yeah, I'd like that.

Stewie Is Enceinte[edit]

Peter: Now, what are the ingredients to a viral internet video?
Joe: Cats.

Stewie: I have a such craving for burgers. It's like my body is just craving red meat, and mint chip ice cream and only mint chip. Any other ice creams makes me want to puke. Is that weird?
Brian: Yes, Stewie. That's the one weird thing in all this.

Adam West: [observing Stewie giving birth in Brian's car] Mazel tov!

Peter: Remember how everyone liked that video of the monkey performing a sex act on that frog at the zoo?
Joe: You mean that frog?
Peter: What?
Joe: The frog in the miniskirt putting a quarter in the jukebox.

[A female frog in a blonde wig and crop top puts a quarter in the jukebox and starts dancing seductively to Bon Jovi's You Give Love A Bad Name while a group of male monkeys look on]

Peter: [filming on his phone] Bingo.
Joe: [with a worried expression] I'm concerned that frog's in more danger than she realizes.

Dr. C and the Women[edit]

[Peter takes Lois golfing]
Lois: what do I do? Just aim for the pond?
Peter: No, you're not supposed to hit it into the water.
Lois: But you hit it into the water.
Peter: [exasperated] I know I hit it into the water.
Lois: But why do they even have water if you're not supposed to hit it there?
Peter: BECAUSE IT'S FUN! WE'RE HAVING FUN! [growling in frustration, he furiously throws his bag of clubs]
Lois: Look! It went further than your ball!

[Lois and Cleveland finish a therapy session and return to the lobby where Peter is waiting]
Peter: Get all of her squawking out, doc?
Cleveland: Oh, I think we got to the root of the problem. Didn't we, Lois?
Lois: Absolutely.
Peter: Alright! Let's dope her up good. Turn that mouth off.

TSA Agent: There you are. Listen up, Meg. This TSA isn't sweaty enough for the two of us.
Meg: What? What does that even mean?
TSA Agent: It means stay away from Larry. I'm his girlfriend.
Meg: You are? Oh, my God, I thought you were a boy.

[Outback Steakhouse Extreme commercial]

Announcer: Hey! Are you a big fat bastard who loves eating at an outback steakhouse but thinks the portions are too small? Well, good news, fatass! 'Cause now there's the Outback Steakhouse Extreme! We don't have a blooming onion, we have a blooming...[squish!] pumpkin! You know what else we've got? [crash!] Elephant steaks! Fifty-pound elephant steaks! And why don't you wash it down out with forty ounces of malt liquor and ranch dressing, ya fat fuck? Outback Steakhouse Extreme: PUNISH YOUR TOILET!


Joe: Peter, be careful up there.
[Peter flips Joe the bird]
Peter: Is this being careful enough, Joe?

[Peter, Quagmire, and Cleveland are being swept towards the American Falls, one of the three waterfalls making up Niagara Falls]
Peter: [to Quagmire and Cleveland] Guys, keep swallowing water. We'll drink our way out of this!

Once Bitten[edit]

TV Announcer: We now return to yet another lndiana Jones movie.
Man: (hisses) Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?
Snake: Elderly potheads. Why did it have to be elderly potheads?
Brian: Is everyone warm in here? Is it warm?
Lois: Brian, are you feeling all right?
Brian: Yeah, I'm fine. It just seems kind of... (retching loudly)
Lois: Oh, my God!
Peter: Oh, Lois, your dog threw up.
Lois: Peter, Brian's clearly not feeling well. You got to take him to the vet.
Meg: Unbelievable! Brian throws up once, and you rush him to the vet. I was throwing up all night last night.
Peter: Good start. Keep it up, snack pack.
Brian: (chuckles) (retching loudly)
Lois: Peter, you got to take him now!
Brian: Lois, it's probably just something I ate. I'm fine. Really. I got more energy than a cruise ship conga line.

Peter: Alright, Brian, it's time for you to take one of these pills from the vet.
Brian: Uh, yeah, right. Can we do what we normally where we normally roll it up in a piece of cheese like you're fooling me?
Peter: Yeah, I guess.

Brian: Peter, get away from my ass!

Neil: [to Meg sadly] I'm sorry, but my friendship with Chris, is more important.
Meg: You're a JERK, Neil!

[Meg turns around angrily and runs away]

[Peter, drunk, throws potatoes at Cleveland's house]

Peter: [slurring words] This is 'cause I'm drunk!
Cleveland: Move out, Irish trash!

Roasted Guy[edit]

[Joe introduces Quagmire as roastmaster]
Quagmire: Thanks you, thank you, thank you very much. Joe, I'd tell you to take your seat, but I'd be about 15 years too late.

Quagmire: Well first off, Peter's always been special. In high school, he didn't play sports, but he did wear a helmet.

Quagmire: But I gotta say the worst part about being Peter's friend is knowing that eventually you're gonna have to be the fatass' pallbearer. Lift with the legs, right fellas?

Cleveland: Peter's got a small penis. But, hey, nuthin' grows in the shade!

Carter: As Lois' father, I hate the thought of her having sex with Peter.
Lois: And so do I!

Carl: I asked Peter what he got on his SATs. He said "Mayonnaise."

Mort Goldman: Peter's so fat and stupid, Lamar Odom tried to bang* him!

Jerome: Peter, you're loud. Ya can't hold down a job. You got a high blood pressure. You could be black if ya didn't have such a damn tiny ding-a-ling!

On the season 13 DVD, "bang" is replaced with "fuck"

Fighting Irish[edit]

Liam Neeson: I have played a lion in three separate films. Peter Griffin has never played a jungle cat of any sort, not even a smallish one, like a lynx.

Peter: You ever got your ass handed to you by a Type 2 diabetic?

[At kindergarten, Stewie is talking to a group of children]

Stewie: Hey, you know that old woman who lived in a shoe? She had so many children she didn't know what to do? I know what she should do: get your tubes tied, ya kook!

Peter (to the set security guard): We're here to see Liam Neeson, the guy who wears the same long jacket in his movies.

(Peter dresses as Mrs. Potato Head to lure Liam Neeson out, but ends up getting the attention of Colin Farrell, who pushes him down and rapes him)

Peter (as he walks away, still in the Mrs. Potato Head costume, which is now frowning and dented): The back is all mashed potatoes now.

Take My Wife[edit]

(during the "I Feel" exercise, where couples open up about how they feel by starting their sentences with "I feel...")

Lois: I feel... unappreciated. Like you don't want to spend time with me.
Peter: Okay, I feel a numbness radiating from my left arm.
Donna (to Cleveland): I feel like you should help out more around the house.
Cleveland: I feel like salty and sweet. (to the counselor): You got white-chocolate French fries?
Kimi (to Quagmire): I feel like my cervix hurts.
Quagmire (smiles): I feel pride.

Counselor: [while trying to help the couples find out more about each other] Peter, when's Lois' birthday?
Peter: Uh, let's see. When is Hitler's birthday?
Counselor: April 20th.
Peter: Wow. Okay, Noel. Yikes.
Counselor: Joe, what is Bonnie's favorite food?
Joe: Well, she must like ground glass because I keep finding it in my food.
Counselor: Cleveland-
Cleveland: Pass.
Counselor: Quagmire, what color are Kimi's eyes?
Quagmire: Shaved. S-sorry, what is it? What was the question?

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