List of The Simpsons crank calls
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The Simpsons comic books
The Simpsons Futurama Crossover Crisis
- Moe: I'm looking for a robot. Last name 100100 first name 100101.
- Calculon: Well, she's your mother, but it doesn't seem appropriate!
- Moe: Why you little... When I find out who you are, I'm gonna tear out your ram chips and cram them down your disc drive!
The Simpsons Comics Madness
- Bart: Yeah, is Heywood there? Last name, Yapinchme.
- Moe: Why you dirty... (Bart hangs up)
- Bart: Heh, heh. Sucker. fuck
"Homer's Odyssey" [7G03]
- Moe: Moe's Tavern.
- Bart: Is Mr. Freely there?
- Moe: Who?
- Bart: Freely, first initials I. P.
- Moe: Hold on, I'll check. Uh, is I. P. Freely here? Hey, everybody! I. P. Freely! [the customers laugh] Wait a minute... Listen to me, you lousy bum. When I get a hold of you, you're dead. I swear I'm gonna slice your heart in half!
- Homer: You'll get that punk someday, Moe.
- Moe: I don't know. He's tough to catch. He keeps changing his name.
"Moaning Lisa" [7G06]
- Moe: Yeah, Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
- Bart: Is Jacques there?
- Moe: Who?
- Bart: Jacques. Last name: Strap.
- Moe: Uh, hold on. [to bar patrons] Uh, Jacques Strap? Hey guys, I'm looking for a Jacques Strap. [bar patrons laugh] What? [to phone] Oh, wait a minute, Jacques Stra— It's you, isn't it, you cowardly little runt? When I get a hold of you, I am going to gut you like a fish and drink your blood! [hangs up as Bart laughs in front of Lisa trying to cheer her up]
- Bart: [to Lisa] Where's your sense of humor, man?
"Some Enchanted Evening" [7G01]
- Lisa: Aw, come on, Bart, not again.
- Bart: Oh, where's your sense of humor?
- Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.
- Bart: Hello, is Al there?
- Moe: Al?
- Bart: Yeah, Al. Last name: Coholic.
- Moe: Let me check... [calls] Phone call for Al. Al Coholic. Is there an Al Coholic here?
- [bar patrons laugh]
- Moe: Wait a minute. [to phone] Listen, you little yellow-bellied rat jackass. If I ever find out who you are, I'll kill you! [hangs up]
- Bart and Lisa: [laugh]
- Homer: I hope you do find that punk someday, Moe.
- Bart: A little pre-dinner entertainment.
- Moe: [answering the phone] Moe's Tavern.
- Bart: Is Oliver there?
- Moe: Who?
- Bart: Oliver Klozoff.
- Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Oliver Klozoff! Call for Oliver Klozoff!
- Bart & Lisa: [laugh]
- [Marge picks up the phone]
- Moe: Listen, you lousy bum. If I ever get a hold of you, I swear I'll cut your belly open!
- Marge: [hangs up] Goodness, must be a crossed wire!
"One Fish, Two Fish, Blowfish, Blue Fish" [7F11]
- Moe: Hello, Moe's Tavern. Birthplace of the Rob Roy.
- Bart: Is Seymour there? Last name Butz.
- Moe: Just a sec. Hey, is there a Butz here? Seymour Butz? Hey, everybody! I want a Seymour Butz! [the entire bar laughs; realizes] Wait a minute... Listen, you little scum-sucking pus-bucket! When I get my hands on you, I'm gonna pull out your eyeballs with a corkscrew!
"Principal Charming" [7F15]
- Bart: Hello, is Homer there?
- Moe: Homer who?
- Bart: Homer...Sexual.
- Moe: Wait one second, let me check. [calls] Uh, Homer Sexual? Oh, come on, come on, one of you guys has got to be Homer Sexual! [bar denizens laugh]
- Homer: Don't look at me! [continues laughing with the other denizens]
- Moe: Oh, no... [as Bart gives the phone to Skinner] You rotten little punk! If I ever get a hold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off!
- Skinner: You'll do what, young man?
- Moe: [taken aback] What? What? Wait. Who is this?
- Skinner: I think the real question is who is this, and where is Homer Simpson?!
- Moe: [realizes his mistake] Whoa! Whoa! Sorry, Principal Skinner, sorry. It's a bad connection, I think. [to Homer] It's for you. I think Bart's in trouble again.
- Homer: D'oh! [sighs] What's he done now?
"Blood Feud" [7F22]
- Moe: Moe's Tavern, where the elite meet to drink.
- Bart: Uh, yeah, hello. Is Mike there? Last name, Rotch.
- Moe: Hold on, I'll check. [calls] Mike Rotch! Mike Rotch! Hey, has anybody seen Mike Rotch lately?! [snickers from the patrons] [to phone] Listen to me, you little puke. One of these days, I'm gonna catch you, and I'm gonna carve my name on your back with an ice pick! [hangs up]
- [Bart and Lisa laugh]
"Treehouse of Horror II" [8F02]
- Moe: [answers the phone] Moe's Tavern....Hold on, I'll check. Uh, hey, everybody! I'm a stupid moron with an ugly face and a big butt and my butt smells and I like to kiss my own butt.
- Barney: Oh, that was a new one!
- Moe: [realizes] Wait a minute...
"Flaming Moe's" [8F08]
- Moe: [answers the phone] Flaming Moe's.
- Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a friend of mine. Last name Jass. First name Hugh.
- Moe: Uh, hold on, I'll check. [calls out] Uh, Hugh Jass! Can somebody check the men's room for a Hugh Jass?
- Man: I'm Hugh Jass.
- Moe: Telephone. [hands Hugh the receiver]
- Hugh: Hello, this is Hugh Jass.
- Bart: [surprised] Uh... Hi.
- Hugh: Who's this?
- Bart: Bart Simpson.
- Hugh: Well, what can I do for you, Bart?
- Bart: Uh... Look, I'll level with you, Mister. This is a crank call that sort of backfired, and I'd like to bail out right now.
- Hugh: All right. Better luck next time. [hangs up and breathes a sigh] What a nice young man.
"Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk" [8F09]
- Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
- Bart: Uh, yes, I'm looking for a Mrs. O'Problem. First name, Bea.
- Moe: Uh, yeah, just a minute, I'll check. [calls] Uh, Bea O'Problem? Bea O'Problem! Come on, guys, do I have a Bea O'Problem here?!
- Barney: Ya sure do! [bar denizens laugh]
- Moe: Oh... [to phone] It's you, isn't it?! [Bart laughs] Listen, you. When I get a hold of you, I'm going to use your head for a bucket and paint my house with your brains!
- [Bart continues laughing, and hangs up the phone]
- Marge: Bart, I want you to go down to Moe's Tavern. I need you to bring your father home.
- [Bart gulps hard anticipating what could happen when he gets there]
"New Kid on the Block [9F06]"
- Moe: [answers the phone] Yeah, just a sec; I'll check. [calls] Amanda Hugginkiss! Hey, I'm looking for Amanda Hugginkiss! Oh, why can't I find Amanda Hugginkiss?! [bar denizens laugh]
- Barney: Maybe your standards are too high!
- Moe: [to phone] You little S.O.B! Why, when I find out who you are, I'm gonna shove a sausage down your throat and stick starving dogs in your butt!
- Bart: My name is Jimbo Jones and I live in 1094 Evergreen Terrace.
- Moe: Aha! Big mistake, pal! I knew he'd slip up sooner or later!
- Laura: [on the phone] Hello, I'd like to speak to Ms. Tinkle? First name... [Bart whispers something in her ear] Ivana?
- Moe: [on the phone] Ivana Tinkle, just a sec. [calls] Ivana Tinkle! Ivana Tinkle! Hey, everybody, put down your glasses. Ivana Tinkle!
"The PTA Disbands" [2F19]
- [Moe is teaching Bart's class during the teachers' strike]
- Moe: Okay, when I call your name, uh, you say "present" or "here". Er, no, say "present". Ahem, Anita Bath? [The kids laugh at him] All right, settle down. Anita Bath here? [the laughing continues] All right, fine, fine. Maya Buttreeks. [even more laughter] Hey, what are you laughing at?! What?! Oh, oh, I get it, I get it. It's my big ears, isn't it, kids? Isn't it? Well, children, I can't help that!
- [Moe runs out crying. Bart then crosses Moe's name off a list of substitute teachers.]
"Homer the Smithers" [3F14]
- Moe: Moe's Tavern.
- Burns: I'm looking for a Mr. Smithers. First name Waylon.
- Moe: [believes this to be another prank call] Oh... So you're looking for a Mr. Smithers, eh?... First name Waylon, is it?! Listen to me, you! When I catch you, I'm gonna pull out your eyes, and shove 'em down your pants, so you can watch me kick the crap outta you, okay?! Then I'm gonna use your tongue to paint my boat!
- [Burns nervously puts his phone in a drawer]
"Bart on the Road" [3F17]
- Homer: Hello. I'd like to speak to a Mr. Snotball. First name, Ura.
- Moe: Ura Snotball?
- Homer: What?!! How dare you! If I find out who this is, I'll staple a flag to your butt and mail you to Iran!
"Homer the Moe" [CABF20]
- Homer: [answering the phone] Yello? [split screen, with the other half showing Bart on the couch at home]
- Bart: Uh, yeah, I'd like to speak with a Mr. Tabooger. First name, Ollie.
- Homer: Ooh, Bart! My first prank call! What do I do?
- Bart: Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger.
- Homer: I don't get it.
- Bart: Yell out, "Ollie Tabooger."
- Homer: What's the gag?
- Bart: Oh, forget it. [hangs up]
"Helter Shelter" [DABF21]
- [This prank is over a telegraph because the Simpsons are forced to live like it is 1895. Moe has a telegraph in his tavern.]
- Moe: Telegram for Heywood U. Kuddulmee! Heywood U. Kuddulmee? Big guy in the back, "Heywood U. Kuddulmee?" [Big guy stares at Moe angrily. Lenny and Carl laugh] Oh, do, that little, ooh...[to telegraph] I'm...gonna drive...a golden spike...where your Union meets your Central Pacific, stop!
- [Bart laughs]
"The Way We Weren't" [FABF13]
- Young Marge: Hello, I'd like to speak to Elvis Jagger Abdul-Jabbar.
- Young Moe: Hey, don't you try and prank me with a fake name. I will rip out your intestines and use them to make a lanyard! Hello? Hello? [groans and hangs up phone] And that's the origin of that.
The Simpsons Movie
- [As Russ Cargill levels a shotgun at Homer and Bart]
- Bart: Wait! If you kill my dad, we'll never know where the treasure is buried!
- Cargill: What treasure?
- Bart: You know... the treasure of... Ima Wiener.
- Cargill: "Ima Wiener"?
- [Homer and Bart laugh]
- Homer: Classic!
"24 Minutes" [JABF14]
- [Jack Bauer is in the middle of a fight and is talking to Bart, thinking that he is Chloe O'Brian]
- Jack: Chloe, I need those schematics now.
- Bart: What? Who is this?
- Jack: I'm Jack Bauer. Who the hell are you?
- Bart: Me? I'm... Ahmed Adoudi.
- Jack: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does anyone there know Ahmed Adoudi?
- Chloe: Ahmed Adoudi, wealthy Saudi financier disappeared to Afghanistan in the late '90s.
- Jack: Really?
- Chloe: No, Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up.
- Jack: Damn it!
- Bart: [laughs over phone}
- Hawaiian Bartender: Aloha.
- Bart: Aloha to you, I'm looking for Maya, last name Normusbutt.
- Hawaiian Bartender: Hang on, I'll check. Has anyone here seen Maya Normusbutt?
- [bar denizens laugh and the bartender there is upset. The scene switches from Hawaii as Bart calls a bar in Australia. The bar's name, Crocodile Drunkees]
- Australian Bartender: I've got a Drew P. Wiener here. Anyone expecting a Drew P. Wiener? I hold in my hand a Drew P. Wiener!
- Bar denizen: Better put it down then, mate!
- [He and the other patrons laugh. The scene switches from Australia as Bart calls a bar in Sweden. The bar's name, Inga Bar Beermans]
- Swedish Bartender: I shall enquire. Is there a Mr. Maifrend-Sergei, first name Olaf? Attention everyone, "Olaf Maifrend-Sergei!" [bar denizens laugh] Wait a minute, if I ever get a hold of you, I will thank you for showing me the futility of human endeavor.
- [Bart and Milhouse laugh]
- Tony: [voiceover] When I call for my Russian business partner, Yuri Nator, I don't expect to be screamed at like I was some 10-year-old punk making a prank call!
- Moe: Yuri Nator? Yuri Nator? Hey, my mouth is begging for a Yuri Nator!
- [Bar denizens laugh.]
- Barney: Be careful what you wish for!
- Moe: [to phone] Why you... I'm gonna chop you into little pieces and make you into a Rubik's Cube, which I will never solve!
"Love Is a Many Stranger Thing"
- [Homer is seen hanging himself in an attempt for Bart to save him. He pulls the noose and jumps off a tree, but ends up choking himself.]
- Dr. Zander: [to Bart] Well? Anything?!
- Bart: [on his phone] Can't look. Texting.
- [Cut to Moe's Tavern. Moe's cell phone chimes, so he picks it up.]
- Moe: Ooh, a text! [looks at phone] Let's see. Text message for I. M. A. Weiner. [to Barney, Lenny, and Carl] As you can all see, I. M. A. Weiner.
- [Barney, Lenny, and Carl laugh]
- Barney: I see it, Moe!
- Moe: Why, you! When I... [texts what he says] When... I... get ahold... of... you, I... [stops texting] Oh, damn it, I typed an F and not a D. Uh...delete, delete, delete, delete. Oh, crap, I just donated $20 to Haiti!
- [Cut to Bart]
- Bart: [laughs as he texts eight smiley face emojis and an ellipsis]
"Dark Knight Court"
- [Moe is on the witness stand of Bart's school trial over one of his prank calls]
- Skinner: Mr. Szyslak, what name did the defendant ask for when he called you at your bar?
- Moe: He asked for, um... Mike Rotch.
- Skinner: And then what did you say?
- Moe: Well, I said um.. I said "Mike Rotch, Mike Rotch." And then I... [starts crying] I'm sorry.
- Skinner: Take all the time you need.
- Moe: I uh... I uh... I yelled out, "Has anybody seen Mike Rotch?" [everyone gasps] You see, they... they thought I was asking if anybody wanted to see Mi... oh man, this is so painful... my crotch! [continues crying as everyone gasps and look at Bart angrily]
- Skinner: Thank you for your bravery today.
- Moe: I just had to make sure that he never did this to another bartender.
- [Moe tries to hang himself until his cell phone rings and he answers it.]
- Moe: [smiles] Hello?
- Bart: Hi, I'm looking for a Mr. Ron. First name: Moe.
- Moe: Moe Ron? Ugh, moron. It's you, you little puke, I'm gonna tie a rope around your neck, and hang... [starts hanging] I'll show you who's a...moron! [continues hanging]
- [Springfield is now living in a magical medieval world]
- [At Moe's Tavern]
- [A crow flies by with a message on its leg from Bart. When the crow lands on a table, Moe picks the message up.]
- Moe: Now let's see here. [reading message] "An urgent message for Milady Gwendolyn Partz." [to Homer, Lenny, Carl, and Barney] Uh, Milady Partz? Hey, has anyone seen Milady Partz? [cut to the rest of the bar patrons] Ah, come on, somebody grab Milady Partz.
- Barney: That depends - how big is your dowry?
- [bar patrons laugh]
- Moe: [writing a note while talking as the crow watches him] You little craven, if I ever get my hands on you, I'm gonna slice you open and drain all of your humors: blood, black bile, yellow bile...
- [Cut to Bart and Milhouse. The same crow who had given Bart's message to Moe has given Moe's message to Bart. Bart has almost finished reading Moe's message.]
- Bart:"...and phlegm." [laughs with Milhouse]
- [When Bart is stranded underground, he finds a telephone, with which he uses to call Moe.]
- Bart: I'm looking for a Ms. Culls. First name Tess, middle initial T.
- [Cut to Moe at his bar]
- Moe: Uh, just a sec. I'll check. Uh, Tess T. Culls. Tess T. Culls! Aw, come on, I know you're hanging around here somewhere.
- [Barney, Carl, and Sam laugh]
- Moe: Why you little... When I catch you, I'm gonna stick a beer tap in ya and pull till the foam comes out your ears!
- [Cut to Bart, who is still underground]
- Bart: [laughs, but then the phone wire catches on fire] [stamps on wire] Oh! [stamps again] Oh! [phone wire is put out but is now gone] [Bart groans in despair]
"My Way or the Highway to Hell"
- [Cut to France in the World War II time period with Marge's atheist grandmother Genevieve. Genevieve's husband Meaux (Moe) hears the phone and answers it.]
- Meaux: Cafe Meaux. Meaux speaking.
- Bart (French accent): I'd like to speak to Monsieur Pants, first name Pierre.
- Meaux: Un moment. Pierre Pants?! Pierre Pants?! Oh, come on, anyone in this joint Pierre Pants?
- [French and Germans laugh]
- Wolfcastle (German): Heil humor!
- Barney (American): [laughs]
- Wolfcastle: Laughing is for Germans only! [shoots a gun at Barney's leg]
- Barney: Ow!
"From Russia With Love"
- [At Moe's Tavern]
- Moe: No women, no buddies... [telephone rings] Ah, thank God, a friend! [answers phone] Moe's Tavern. Moe speaking.
- [Cut to Bart, who is in his bedroom with Nelson and Milhouse]
- Bart: Uh, hello. I'm looking for a Mr. Buttface [Milhouse laughs], first name Ima.
- Moe: "Ima"? Nobody's been named that in, like, a hundred years, and as for the rest, why don't you double-check that name, huh? Try saying it out loud.
- Bart: Ima Buttface? [Milhouse laughs]
- Nelson: Haw-haw!
- Moe: Yeah, well, mistakes are how we learn there, young fella. Good luck in your, uh, your journey into adulthood. [puts phone down]
"The Simpsons Guy" (Family Guy crossover)
- Moe: Moe's Tavern, Moe speaking.
- Bart: Uh, yeah, I'm looking for a friend, last name Kebum, first name Lee.
- Moe: Eh, hang on, I'll check. Uh, hey, guys, do I get a Lee Kebum? C'mon, look at the stools. Uh, is there a Lee Kebum? Er, somebody check the rear, I know I got a Lee Kebum.
- Barney: Then you probably shouldn't be handling food!
- [Bar denizens laugh. Bart hangs Evan Underwood the multi billionaire